just my rambling

well i am feeling a bit better today..i think it did help to get out of the hosue ..even if it was just to go to work..it helped..and being around ppl where i had to talk helped to...still not completely ok..but better..

talked to someone at work about the taxes stuff and i got to refill out forms today...and that will be one less thing to worry about at least...and also asked the about how i would be filing taxes from two different states and they told me i needed to call the irs but they thought i would most likely have to file in both states..which is fine..i just dont know what to do about it..so some time in the next few weeks i need to get that figured out..spcially if i know that i will be getting a refund back from my nc job ....not sure about the va job yet but since they have taken so many taxes out..maybe ill get two refunds ! and maybe just maybe ill use some of that money to buy a computer! that would be super awesome..when do taxes start anyway..cas i should plan my next trip home around getting that done...maybe ill take off a couple days of work..but that is still fair enough away in the future that i dont have to worry about it right now..

its supposed to rain and freeze and what not tonight..so im thankfully safe in the apartment with the heat on...i need to get better about keeping the heat on now that its staying cold..and i also need to work better on wearing a jacket..and warmer clothes..

cant believe tomorrow is the last day of 2009..wow..what will 2010 bring? will it be a better year?

just feeling really hopeless...and not ok...

have razors again too

i dont know whats going on with me right now :(

home, christmas and back to work

christmas eve wasnt a good day in the end..chhristmas was better and was able to control the anger a bit better..didnt cut while at home..but have razors again..and now that im back at my house things are feeling a bit quieter and i dont know just quiet i guess..need time to regroup from the trip home and cant do that until umm next week...sad but i think we will be rescheduling t and pdoc from next week cas of money..trying to be ok with that..but i know it needs to be done or else ill just worry and worry and worry about money and all that..cas the way thigns are looking right now i wont even have all the money we neeed for rent on time..ugh..seriously my goal is to catch up onfinanaces next year and learn to budget ... but really eevery since the accident funds have been all over the place..and i need to get the taxes thing in order so yeah..and wow im rambling a lot right now..sorry for jumping ahead into next week already..but i need to plan since i keep worrying about all of it..im having trouble letting things go again..ive been worrying more lately..and the huge anger issue athome the other night was a little bit concerning..but i dont know what is causing it...

ok but to back track a little bit..christmas day was pretty fun..with my brothers and sister and opening gifts and all talking and trying to show each other everything at once..im super excited cas we got 2 gift cards to barnes and noble and new books, a watch, clothes of course, a talking coffee mug that makes my day, a poster of edward lol from my brother, new cooking stuff, a sock monky bookmark! its so cute, scarves, fuzzy socks, mittens, calendar, candy lol..but it was fun..and thn i went to work and the girls gave me things too and it was nice and fun..they made me laugh a lot last night, and i went and borrowed 4 books from one of the girls lol..im set for things to read for now :)..and it was kinda interesting working without my shift partner last night..and even more astonishing that the girls tell me im there favorite..me ?! really ?! but a couple constantly tell me that..and as soon as i got there yesterday i had them tell me that they had waited all day for me to come and had been upset when i didnt show up yesterday morning with my shift partner lol..but it really does surprise me how much i geniuly care about the girls in my group..so fast

so im still laying in bed..feeling tired..but trying to relax a little before having to get ready for work..i promised the girls i would cook a better dinner tonight for them..and i will. i do like cooking for them most days ! and we have so much ham left over there! goodness..and i hate that it will ahve to go in the trash..im like really?! i will bring it home before i let it be thrown away..that is one thing that kills me about my job..like the girls almost always have tons of left over food from meals..but they only have one day a week where they can actually eat left overs..and if its been in the fridge for 3 days we are supposed to trash it...doesnt matter what it is...and if we cook on monday and its somethign they really like..it will be thrown away before they can even eat it again..and so its a lot of food that is thrown away there..and so i try when i can to bring left overs home..it makes no sense to me you know to just throw it away when its still perfectly fine..and good..and edible..there are some things that are so gross like vegtables that i would never bring home lol..but there are some things that we do like and when we cook a lot of something at work i try to bring some home for yvonne too..but yeah..loads of ham left from yesterday that will most likely get thrown away tonight or tomorrow..so yeah..

dusti is happy im back lol..i can tell

hmm cant think of anything else to talk about though...going go warm up food before getting ready for work..and then off i go !

todays thoughts

feeling pretty quiet today...and sore lol...thinking alot about different things..which is never a really good idea at all...maybe i just need to go and take a nap or something? its only 12 and it feels so much later than that..sad that the snow is melting and that its all sunny today..didnt want the sun to come back ..but i guess if i have to go home on wed then i need the sun to melt the snow! so i can drive and not have mommy freaking me out..she already told me not to go and lpay in the snow cas i could fall and get hurt yeah ok..im not gonna go play in the snow cas i could fall ?! i fall everytime i get around snow! and it hasnt hurt me yet..so just had to ignore that one..because it was nice being outside..in the snow and having fun..which is prolly why im so sore and achy today..

yvonnes bf will be out by the fiirst of the year..and that makes me really happy...he has be in out apartment since i got here and so it will be nice for him to go..and im going to h ave to talk to yvonne about him giving back his key cas if he has his own palce he shouldnt be here without her..i think that is worrying me a little bit..

yvonne has been letting me use her computer ..and we talked a little about my future of owning a mac lol..and she mentioned waiting until tax free weekend and all of that..which i hadnt thought of at all..cas im only thinking short term and wasnt at all thinking long term lol..but it does make sense to wait and save up..well i knew i wouldnt be getting a laptop next week or anything lol..but she brought up the future trip to new york..and i really want that..more than a new computer ...so the trip has to come before the computer..which is fine and all..i just needed to be reminded of what i had going on and what i was planning for..i mean ive already looked up train tickets, and the show prices..and the awesome seats are like $168 i think..but they are up there and i want to sit in the front..i do i do i do..if i have to save and if im postivie im going, then it is going to be the most awesome trip ever..and ill save from jan till sept to make it work...and since ive conned yvonne and oompaas and my sister into possibly going..i have a lot of planning to do! so i just need to not forget and start wanting other stuff..cas that will happen to and i know i kinda stick at controlling impulses...big time...i want so much..and just kinda blow up what i need..so yeah...thats what i have to work with...

trying hard not to think about going home because that will lead to being overly stressed and anxious...trying hard just not to think..cas the past few days the depression has been back and forth but when its at the front of my head it is pretty bad..i wonder if the cymbalta can make the lexapro not work anymore? or maybe its not the right dose yet..but its not working ..or helping..and i think its making me feel a little worse but im not sure..i still have another week or so before seeing the pdoc to figure out if it helps or not..had to fight myself last night not to take any more than i was supposed to of the sleep med..because i kept thinking i wanted to sleep and one just wasnt enough...so yeah..assumming my head is a bit not ok right now...and as much as i like the snow it is leaving me feeling really trapped..closed in sorta..i cant leave and go out..but i spent a lot of time outside yesterday and it didnt really help the fear that was setting in..it was just the fact that i was trapped inside that started to get to me as the day wore on...maybe im just super weird and cant really have a completely nice thing without something making it not ok i dont know

but tomorrow its back to work so im going to try hard to make today as relaxing as possible...and then its work monday and tuesday..and then home w,t,f, and i have to drive back really on friday so it wont be a lot of time at home that day..cas i have to work friday evening..and i said i would come in early to help cook dinner...and i dont mind that at all..because i do enjoy them when they arent all at each others throats..and thats less time i have to spend at home..

so my goal for the day is just straightening up..and doing laundry...i realize i dont have a lot of time next week to get it done so it needs to be done today so i can start packing and what not..

i also need to reschedule my labwork appt..cant make it there next week..and i want to do as little driving in the snow as possible..because im just not used to it and it scares me..so ill reschedule...and hopefully will keep the next appt..

so yeah..i guess thats all my rambles for today..i think there are so many thoughts going on in my head today that everything is just kinda quiet and still...

snow day!!

it snowed here in va yesterday and some of today..yvonne says we got over a foot of snow..we are kinda snowed in ..well the cars are covered but people are just kinda digging themselves out of the snow if they need to go somewhere..but im not driving today or tomorrow..i dont plan on driving until i have to actually show up at work and thats only cas i have too! ugh..i had to drive last night to get back home while it was snowing and it freaked me out big time..it was highly stressful and anxiety provoking and really hard to see cas it was dark when i was coming back home..so i like the snow i do..but i know that i really need to prepare better for it..like i dont have anything to get ice and stuff off of my windshield..and stuff for an emergency..i mean ive never been in snow like this and so theres a lot i dont know..but i guess ill be learning and learning fast..
but the snow has been has a lot of fun..just with like playing in it and stuff..i have been the ringleader of that..i wanted a fort and so everyone has helped me build one..we are still only about half way done with it but we so have a fort in the works :) it is fun..it was a lot of fun actually..and have had numerous snowball fights..and just in general goofing off in the snow..

but here are some pictures of all the snow

....just to much to deal with

im trying to pull my thoughts together to actually write and get some things out..so i guess ill apolgfize now for rambling horribly..im really tired right now..i actually woke up at a decent hour this morning but after being up and running a few errands this morning im home and just worn out already..

i keep thinking about what happened the other night and it just frustrates me..that i was so easily lead into arguing with a kid..and it wasnt the argument really..it was just how defensive i felt that made me want to argue and argue and keep arguing because i was right and she wasnt..and it wasnt even a big deal but i was mad..she was mad first for some other reason but it came out over the stupid video game..and then i got mad and just yelled right back at her..given she was way more disrepectful in her yelling because to state her point she went and just had to start cursing at me..which i dont like anyway..and so yeah..it wasnt cool at all..i was mad..i am mad..frustrated..disappointed..ugh..because this was from one of the kids i actually liked you know..its common knowledge in the cottage that she likes me ..hmm adult figure type like...but that she does..and so to have her blow up at me like that was unexpected and really hurtful :(..and yeah i took it incredibly personal..i did..and i completely admitted that to my supervisor when i talked to her about it..but once i cant past the anger at having my feelings hurt ..i realized it was more of the having to defend myself that made me feel more agitated and anxious..because then it wasnt completely about the kid anymore ..i was way back into needing to defend myself to stay out of trouble..once it got to needing to defend myself i knew i was in trouble and it all just goes down hill from there..and so thats why the agitation was so bad the other night...i dont like feeling like i need to defend myself .. i really dont...it puts me on edge.it makes me think im wrong..when i knew i wasnt in this particular case..i wasnt wrong..i was doing my job and she was just taking her anger out on me..which wasnt ok at all either..and i guess i had just gotten to comfortable with them..and kinda just forgot that they have there issues to and even though its been a good few weeks, there blow ups can happen over any thing..and be directed at anyone...but it still doesnt make it ok at all...one of the other s taff that was there that night went with her to her room..and talked to her about how she was acting..and made her apologize in front of the group to me..but i didnt believe her apology at all..i really dont..because she didnt mean it..because she did it only because she had to..and because she went and laughed the entire time she talked and didnt once look at me..i told her ok after she was finished but i did not tell her i accepted her apology at all..because i didnt...i went outside for a few minutes before the apology because i thought i was going to cry i was so upset...but came back in and finished what i was needing to do..but i was just out of it for the rest of the night..i didnt want to be bothered or talked to..and couldnt deal with any of the other girls being around me or to close to me..i had to tell one girl to not hug me without asking..and she apologized for the girl who had been so rude to me.which was nice..but it didnt really make me feel better..my shift partner told me not to let it get to me..but i cant not ..because i cant sit there and explain why it is that it bothers me so much..and it all pertains to past stuff..not all present stuff..its hard to skip over the missing details and expect to be understood..and i think that is why i had such issues talking to my supervisor about what happened and how i wasnt dealing with it..she also told me not to take it personal, that it wasnt about me..etc etc..which is true but at the time thats not what i wanted to hear..i know its not about me..i know im there to work with the girls ..but i have stuff going on to and not being able to talk about it or be understood completely puts me in a really hard spot..i dont want to spill my life story to my supervisor..i really dont..because its not her business..but in refusing to share then that means i have to get used to not being understood completely ... its like im just setting myself up to fail and its not fair..i would lose my job if they thought i couldnt handle it because of my own mental health issues..and i like my job...and i dont know what to do about it...i went to work yesterday..almost was late but managed to get there just on time..and it was like i didnt want to be there..i was detached for the majority of yesterday from my group, from my shift partner..just from everything..i was quieter than usual for work..and im sure some of the girls picked up on it...the particular girl who got into the yelling match with me stayed away from for almost all of yesterday..i didnt talk to her unless i had to, i talked to all the other girls..and just couldnt give in enough to talk to the one girl..so i didnt ...i told my supervisor i was mad at her and so i just wasnt going to talk to her for the day..but i also think that the girl knew what she had done was really wrong..and she didnt know how to really make up for it..and so she just stayed away from me..she was really quiet yesterday and where she is normally right next to me for most of the day when im working..i rarely saw her...and so last night before she went to bed i just went and told her that i was disappointed with her, and still upset with her for how she acted..i told her we were ok but that im not gonna just you know stop showing up for something..but that it wasnt cool and that i didnt want it to happen again..she said ok..so i think a couple days away from them all will be good..give me time to process and try hard to let it go..but im just not sure about it..i need to let it go because if i dont it will just bother me ..and i think in general im back to being ok with the kid..because no its not worth it to hold the grudge..even if i want to hold it..but just the defensive feelings im having a hard time letting go..what it makes me think about ..etc..that i dont want to let go..the upset i dont want to let go..and i may have the most horrible memory ever..but im pretty sure ill remember the feelings associated with the other night..i will...just because of how much it brought up..i later pushed it away..and tried to ignore it ..but it was still pretty obvious something was up with me..and i made it home and everything without seeing my roommate or her bf cas i was afraid if either of them had said anything to me i would have blown up or had a melt down..had to control myself big time and not take to many meds to quiet my head when i got home..the urge is there..and im trying to keep the thoughts out of my head..but its not easy..

mommy is up to her usual tricks it seems...demanding my time to do stuff for her..telling me what i should and shouldnt do..etc..its stupid..it sucks..its not fair..and it makes me tired...everything makes me tired..not to mention it makes me feel crazy needing to be on meds..and maybe its just the waiting to find the right combo and having to try so many options before the right one is found that bothers me more...cas i think it will be a lot of switching things around i guess..if the cymbalta doesnt help..and im not even sure i know how to tell if it is helping..i feel the same..just tired..i sleep more but im still tired..i dont know..i dont want to eat..maybe ill keep the cymbalta just for that ..

the meds are ok i guess..havent broken out with a rash or anything weird...i dont think there has been any change at all..except for sleeping through the night..so no idea what to talk to the pdoc about tomorrow..i see t and pdoc tomorrow..fun ..well i kinda really want to see t because i didnt see her at all last week..and it makes me anxious not to talk to someone during the week..which i hate admitting..but i think its wearing on me a little..not being able to keep a stable safe place yet..and i know its just scheduling issues that get in the way ..but still its bothering me..for as much as i dont talk..you would think i would be thrilled to not have sessions every week..but i think its just something at going and it being there and an option that calms my head down..and so not having it and all the time and space inbetween sessions starts to just leave things crowded in my head

hard couple days..

im glad im off ttoday and tomorrow

zoning

im dragging with getting ready for work today..really am..i dont know..im ok just kinda blahish too..which i noticed last night..and one of the girls kept asking me if i was ok..cas i would tend to just kinda sit and stare if nothing had my attention completely...its like im getting lost a little in my head..and i end up just kinda doing nothing for a bit..i dont know..i mean im not sad..but i guess im kinda presenting that way..im a bit more quiet than usual..and thats saying a lot cas im not that talkative anyway..but yeah i dont know ..

ooh we got the wii last night lol..well the cottage did...and it was fun..i played the mario kart one with the steering wheel..and then they played bowling and stuff..but it was fun :) im sure we will play again today at some point.

long night

tonight is what i would call a very very late night..i ended up staying over at work for almost an hour just trying to finish paperwork and talking and all that..its overtime so im not to worried or feel overwhelmed about it..i was feeling rather awake for that hour..so it was pretty ok...but work tonight was ok overall..one of the girls had a breakdown and ended up talking to me for almost an hour..i really did just want to get up and hug her but i couldnt..but she was in tears talking to me..and she had a lot on her mind..cas she said it all..and i actually told her that i had been in therapy and that it was hard..and that i knew where she was coming from..i think that helped but it was hard cas then i felt completely vulnerable and out there..and i was trying hard to control my reactions..but i think i did ok..but then the time just flew by..and it was time to go and i wasnt finished of course an so stayed..but she did tell me that i should be a therapist.. all i did was listen and well advise ..

and then i creeped myself out big time..cas i needed to go to the atm and its after midnight..and the one i find without going out of the way was an atm that was not a drive up on..so i had to get out of the car and go and stand at it..and i was so scared and creeped out and the longer i stayed there the more creeped out i got! i can make myself paranoid pretty quickly cas yeah..not cool at all and next time ill so go to a drive through one..

but now im home and waiting for the meds to kick in..im tired..but not sleep tired yet..

not incredibly happy

just wasnt up for doing anything atall today :( after that appt this morning..well the pdoc is ok..shes nice enough..her questions were what set me off and they should have been expected..but i was more worried about going and meeting her than the actual wquestions ..so it was unexpected..and hard..really hard..all the abuse questions..a couple the doc gave up on getting me to answer because i couldnt..had to keep telling myself to calm down and relax and that it was ok..and it didnt help and it was pretty bad emotional wise i guess..it caused a lot of upset feelings ..and a lot of remembering what hadnt been thought about since leaving the other t..so not good this morning...she added 2 new meds...one for sleeping and one for the depression..and all three together i have learned will be almost 200 dollars a month ... shocked the crap out of me..2 of them dont have generics and im assuming that even with insurance im paying full price for them..ugh ...so that is going to take a lot A LOT of planning to make it all work..and then with seeing the pdoc and various t's im just feeling a little overwhelmed ...i see both the new t and new pdoc next week..and my old t did manage to move my appt for me so im going home only once..thankfully..

and old t did call me today..which was unexpected and made me really happy and i told her some of what was going on and the changes but it wasnt a phone session..just a touch basis type thing cas i kept emailing her bits and pieces..and so yeah..she called me actually before she got the message about needing to change appts..so it was nice..and she told me that if the pdoc hasnt asked all those questions she wouldnt have been doing her job...i wasnt to pleased with that observation
..im worried about the med changes a little bit..just reaction wise...but i was expecting it..so i guess that may make it a little easier..

and the pdoc wants me to go and get bloodwork drawn to have my thyroid and what not checked to rule out any physical issues..and so i have scheduled that for friday so that i can get it out of the way and not stress about it..

so i technically start all the new stuff tomorrow..but the sleeping one i took tonight as i was leaving work so that i wouldnt be up half the night just worrying about stuff...

so we will see i guess
just stressed a lot right now and trying to stay in control because that is the most important thing for us..is control..and seeming in control..and not losing it..and yeah..its just getting harder and harder

ugh

i dont want to see the psychiatrist today..i dont .

actually im just scared and feeling really sick right now...like the whole nine yards, dizzy, headache, nauseous ..very nauseous ..and i just want to go back to bed

awesome picture

i got it in an email and had to keep it :)

daily rambles

wow..it feels so late and i feel so drained right now! but its not even 7 yet and i just want to go back to bed..ugh..just been a pretty quiet day..no going outside since earlier yesterday..and i realized a bit late that i was prolly back in isolating mode..but oh well..its back to work tomorrow and i guess im ready..but it still makes me feel a tad bit overwhelmed..essh...but i did good this weekend..i actually cleaned up! and got all my laundry done..well the last load is in now but i actually did it all and i can see my floor and its so nice lol..

i ffell asleep earlier and really it turned into a 3 hour nap..which i guess i needed but im still tired..but i know ill be feeling more awake later on and then unable to sleep..oh well i guess..

watched a little bit of monsters inc tonight..and then got distracted and stopped watching it and played sims yet again..but given up on that for now..and just online doing stuff..maybe go and lay down and read for a bit soon..

i dont know im feeling a lot quieter than usual..not sure what to say..to much to say and so i dont say anything at all..

im trying harder to be more sociable with yvonnes boyfriend ..im trying ..thats all i can promise..with that one..

hmm pdoc this week but no therapy...im on the waiting list for therapy and if i can be squeezed in ill go..but it not its ok i hope..i realize that the week after that ill have therapy twice that week cas of seeing both the old and new t's ...and then the week after next is the week ill be heading home for a few days for 'christmas' and then i guess ill need to figure out if mommy is actually coming up here for christmas..i hope not but we will see...yvonnes grandparents will be here for like a week or so around christmas too..and im glad i have to work..but i do like them..so im not to worried about that..

but other than that..things are ok i think..not horrible..not great..just kinda moving along..

yes. today is a lot better. im very very glad for that.

and it is a very proud feeling being able to go and pay rent.

i knew something was bothering me

maybe i can actually write something that makes sense ...

you know with the meds and well missing that one day and feeling so horrible..i know for a fact that the meds stop me from feeling super uber depressed and suicidal..and that should be a good thing..why isnt it a good thing? why dont i let it be a good thing? how can i miss feeling that bad? that one day of feeling absolutely horrible made me realize that it has been a while..that my feelings that were so comfortable in all there wrongness and badness werent there anymore..why would i want them back ? now? when i should be feeling safer and calmer? oh i dont know ..i really dont..i have no idea why im even thinking of any of this..its all so depressing and yet its what i know..its the feelings that im am comfortable with..and the neutral things are just kinda moving along feelings are bothering me a lot..because i am so out of my comfort zone i want to go back to the feelings that i know..and can understand...i dont like all the new feelings..all the this will be ok feelings..they arent mine and i dont want them..i just dont..

but i was thinking about it this morning ..something different .. and its the list of rights that the new t gave me that is bothering me so much..she wants me to read them every day..and thats no biggie..i can read them..i can read them 50 times a day and it still would make no difference..i would still refuse to really truly believe any of them..i think they are lies..like someone just sat down and thought of every single thing that i didnt believe and put it in one nice little list just for me to have and ignore..i should believe them though..they are true..i do have those rights..just like everyone else..but i read them and consider them all wrong..theres something about them that i dont like and so i cant believe them..they arent true and if i hadnt said i would read them i wouldnt even be looking at them..i read them and can see mommy telling me they are wrong..that i dont deserve anything..i have to earn respect and love and caring..all things that i dont really go after ...and it still surprises me when im told im trusted..when im told im good or caring or i have patience..no i dont ..im not any of those things..everyone is just lying to me and its not fair..why cant everyone just see things my way and leave me alone about it . maybe i dont want to change..has anyone thought of that? or bothered to ask me that? :snoopy no thats not fair..its not a fair questions. because my therapist ask me again and again what i want and i cant tell them anything..the words are still locked in my throat and i cant say them..because its wrong..because its attention..because i just cant say any of it..i think i want to much..i always want..im not happy with what i have..i have to want and want and want..no..im just used to wanting..because i cant be contained..because love can be bought and sold and its just a matter of who is offering the highest price at the time..gosh..sometimes..sometimes the depth of feelings is so overwhelming..so surprising and scary..things i know i shouldnt think or want..and i do..they are all there still hiding in my head..just waiting to slip into my thoughts..or twist things around until the worst things seem completely ok and completely attainable..somehow the wrongness of wanting to die isnt that important...but figuring out how to do it is...figuring out triggers isnt as important as occasionally making sure i walk right into them..just for the effect it causes..all things i should know not to do..all things ive been told again and again to stop doing and i wont..i cant..i cant have them and so i want it more..i cant deal with emotions on a more normal basis and so i just make things worse for myself..i should talk like a normal person and i cant..i should i should i should and i cant..i cant do anything and yet im still alive..i still manage to get out of bed in the morning and eventually make myself focus enough to go to work..i was distracted enough at work today that i wasnt watching the clock..but some days all it is, all i can do is move through my day in hopes that it will become late enough that i can safely go to bed..thats all im after..an escape..i still want an escape and i havent found one...i get so mad at my old t ..because i cant talk to her..i want to talk to her..i do and i cant and it hurts a lot ..

i accidently cut my finger the other day while cooking...i dont know what i was thinking holding the knife like i was..but i knew ..i had thought i was going to end up cutting myself if i wasnt more careful..and i did..it was so surprising..pain and then nothing..it was a small cut..but a little deepish..but i look at it and wonder if it will scar..i look at the girls i work with who i know are cutters and i look for there scars..i want to know if they are like mine..if they can be seen or felt..i always worrry people will be able to feel my scars through my clothes..i get anxious if anyone touches my arms ..i get paranoid that every one has figured it out but no one questions me on it..would i even bother lying if they did ? would i even care enough to try to come up with some lie? i got a good look at my arms this morning..and i felt nothing..my arms are ruined and will never be fixed..i hoped before that the scars would fade in time..but i really looked at them today and i know that they wont..not really...the ones on my lower arm have been there for almost 9 years and they are just as obvious as ever..so the ones higher up are not ever going to go away..i will be hiding then forever..because who is going to understand..in my day to day life..why i cant wear a lot of stuff..or do a lot of stuff..or go to have a shot without freaking out about it? how can i explain the thinking and logic behind why they are there?

there is just to much tonight to have to deal with..

not really right

something really is bothering me a lot right now...and i guess it started yesterday evening sometime..because i had a lot of mood issues yesterday ..up and down and up again just to turn around and go back to being incredibly depressed and sad..which i really do think are two different things...i woke up feeling depressed and out of it..but not sad..i just dont want to do anything..my anxiety with the real world is kinda going through the roof right now and i have no idea why..

-sigh-

it hurts that im still only important when im needed to do something ... for someone else

today..thanksgiving

im ok

feeling a bit more focused now..and was cleaning up a little bit...made it to work and it was actually really nice..three of the 7 girls were there today and so it was really really nice! made dinner and it turned out good..did some of the girls hair..and just kinda in general chilled out with them..

came home and was to tired to really make any more food ..except then like four hours later decided i did want food and started cooking some stuff..so yeah lol..but then had 2 bananas and a brownie with ice cream and dont want the food anymore ^o) but i dont know..something about sweet potatoes that smells like thanksgiving to me lol...so yeah..

when i first got home from work i was starting to feel really sad and down..ok depressed .. and it was wanting to cut depression :( read a book...and just kinda stared and forgot where i was in a way..didnt want to be bothered..and well yvonne came home but had plans to go out and that made me madder ..ugh..but finally got out of bed after her and her bf left and started playing games online..and then wanted food and so that led to cleaning up..and now feeling more ok..more focused..but still really tired.. taking a break right not though because my back is hurting a little bit..so just kinda wasting a bit of time before doing anything else..

but yes..feeling better..and thats good...3 more days of work and then off! cant wait..

and tomorrow i get to take some of the girls to the movies..dont know what we are going to see but it should be a nice get away

-sigh-

tired
work
more work
i really just want to sleep right now and i dont have the time


but at least its not a rainy thanksgiving

....

just..all of it makes me so tired :(

thats all

...

made it home safe and sound ..well to my sisters...going home today at some point

going home :(

its upsetting though..that the fear of going home is still there..that im still afraid and pressured to be at home and to be good i guess...i have to portray that im good and fine and happy, that i love being here and everything is working out great..im not allowed to be anything else at home..i hate the shifts it causes inside..just to be at home and to be ok enough to get through being at home..its only 3 days.you would think from the anxiety and stress that i was going home forever :'( :snoopy i hate that i need help just to be at home for 3 days..i just hate all of it right now..im sorry i said i would be home because now im just freaking out about it..so many expectations that i cant liive up to but i keep trying to..ive been pretty low key with dealing with myself lately but within the past couple hours..some pretty mean things are back in the head and its like i have to be not confident about anything to go home..just to prepare to be told that i cant do anything right..that i should be doing so much more..that im not living up to expectations well enough..i need to try harder..i need to work harder and do more..prove i am capable to live on my own..im not good enough ok i know that..but going home means that i have to live it..i go back to judging everything there is to judge about myself..what i wear, i what eat, what i have..what i need to do..what i should be doing..im not trying hard enough, i need to be happier.. i should be all of this stuff that im not and its like ive failed before i even get anywhere...im depressed before i even make it out of the house to go home..and then i have an entire 4 hour drive to think and worry and stress about all of it before i even get home.its like if i can make myself feel bad enough before i even get to mommy then whatever she does wont be able to hurt that much..i am better at it than her..ive had loads of time to practice what works and doesnt work for making me feel horrible..and i know how to get it started but its much harder to turn it back off and leave it alone when im not around mommy..i dont want to be reminded that im not good enough or that im bad or flawed in some way..it makes me tired..and i dont know..because its just i know i shouldnt do it..let myself get caught in the cycle of being so mean to myself..i know i shouldnt..i know ways to avoid it..but as soon as its started in conjunction with going home..the rules change and it doesnt matter what i do to myself as long as i keep up the idea that im fine and great and happy..no room for sadness or fear..there just isnt..its like being able to turn on a light swtich in my head whenever i need something to change or something to happen..cas ill freak out until i actually get home and then its like a huge game starts and i have to refigure out the rules before im killed..maybe not killed but its not like im the best at judging how far i can let things go before i start pulling back from myself...thats all it is..a game that has to be figured out..its not about winning even..its back surviving long enough to get out again..3 days is an eternity at home.. a lot can be said in 3 days..and not much of it will be good if its coming from mommy..being able to sink back into kid mode is not always a good thing..it really isnt..

jls

just...the usual

im supposed to be going home today..and i am..but i dont want to..and so there is a lot of fighting i guess going on about going home and when and why..no not seeing linda this time she is out of town :( cant afford to see her twice anyway...but we are fighting hard to deny old rules i guess..because its going on 10:30 and i have yet to leave..i have yet to get ready in any form or fashion and actually i just want to go back to bed and just kinda forget i said i would be going on ... but its just i feel rushed..mommy called a few times this morning to ask what i was doing and where i was..and i wasnt even awake yet..much less on the way home...but its just the rushed feeling is there..ill be in trouble if im late..i need to go home..i have to go home..why havent i left yet type thinking..when in reality i can go whenever i want to..i dont have plans for today and not many for tomorrow...i dont have to be home at any specific time but it feels like im breaking rules by taking so long to leave and get home..i cant even decide if i want to go to my sisters first or just go home..mommy is expecting me at home which makes me not want to go..i dont know .. im just feeling stressed out about it big time and i havent even left yet..there are so many things to do instead..i dont want to drive..or anything.

yesterday was not good

missed meds yesterday...it only took about 12 hours to get back to feeling pretty suicidal..

you know what..

today was an awesome day..im calm, and happy, and just in a super good mood considering i just got off of work! surprising i know

you know what? today was an awesome day at work..really it was and itts still surprising me..i came home from work completely calm and in a great mood..im barely even tired! i got to work this morning and its saturday so they are getting to watch tv..they played video games for a while had lunch..dealt with some of the girls being mad about not being able to go of campus but that didnt last long..so then i was there with only 3 of them and not 6 and they all just kinda did there own thing for a while...and then one of them asked if they could pull out there legos..and it all just went downhill from there :P i sat on the floor with her ..in the middle of the living floor and had lego races ..my car lost.and was blown to bits more than once lol..dude it was awesome :) she had loads of legos and people and even some girl legos and made a castle kinda and a car and she raced them with me :) and then we walked around the circle outside and then a church group showed up with dinner for the kids..and it was like real food..they had a whole turkey!! and cake and umm yeah cake ! and we painted apple piggy banks ! and really cant wait to get that back and its a yellow apple! i had the brightest one in the bunch lol..and then we had dinner and the dessert was super sidetracking and so i stopped eating dinner in lieu of having cake ! aand then we played bingo and i won two pairs of new socks ! and that was super duper fun :D i actually enjoyed being with them today big time..its fun making them smile and laugh and have fun..

sex and such

So last night I was wondering if people without trauma in there history can have issues with sex and touching and being with someone?

Because I can swear up and down that nothing happened growing up you know, no one can prove anything happened and so if i dont say anything or tell anything then its like im 'normal' i guess. but i have major problems with having people to close to me, like just standing and talking. i hate being touched, and i never ever see sex happening in any form or fashion. i dont even like anyone being in the same bed with me .. there are exceptions to that one cas obviously the kids i babysit and i have shared a bed with like siblings and friends every so often, of course nothing involving sex or anything ever went on..its like well sleeping. and it makes me think that im just a walking contradiction i guess. i can say nothing happened. but everything just kinda screams that something did happen.. i cant pretend that i want a relationship..because in general i really dont know if i do or not..or who i like or not..i like being able to keep people romantically away from me because then that is just something i dont have to worry about..you know..i dont have to worry about being expected to do something i really dont want to do..

but if i had grown up with nothing having happened would i still be struggling with the same issues ? would i have learned differently and been ok with being touched and all that?

if you could wake up to a miracle ?

I went and saw my new therapist this week..i guess she was ok..im not sure yet what i think about her..shes was ok is all..her office is worse than lindas and so not my fault that they both have the same name! haha..kinda funny though..but i went and it didnt kill me..although i thought it was going to..im still not liking that i have to change..and im still mad that linda wont move up here and keep working with me..i guess i know that she really cant just pick up and move like that..but i still want her to.. but so i saw the other therapist and answered her questions for the most part..tried to pay attention and not get to incredibly stressed out with it..but she asked a question and it was umm..if i woke up tomorrow and i miracle had happened over night what would it look like.,,i really hate the what would it look like questions..but anyway that was the question and i gave her an answer and she asked me to think about it a little bit more..and as soon as she asked the question i was thinking like holy cow you know..if it could be anything at all..then i wanted like a castle and a dragon and i would be in the middle of this awesome meadow..and so on..but then i had to reign myself in and so a little more control than that..and i think i ended up telling her that i was going to have a house in like alaska and that i was going to be happy and travel and get to do whatever i wanted...but its like thats just the surface stuff...because if i had a miracle and things could be the way i wanted them to be then i just think it would involve more than just the surface stuff..more than just wanting to be happy..more than just having my way..i admit i havent really thought about it..and i almost forgot completely about it..but i was thinking about it tonight and i still am having a hard time getting past the surface wants..the easy wants...im afraid i guess to look any deeper into what i truly want ...how would things be different for me then..how would i really see things? because i think underneath it all im not real sure what i want..or even how i want things to be different..i want to be happy is my catch all..i can say it an imply so many different things..who ever i tell it to can imply there own meanings i guess..but i really have a hard time figuring out what i want out of life..what i want with my miracle..

so..

if i woke up tomorrow and had a miracle..what would it look like?
well i do want to have a house..i want to be comfortable..i want to live in a safe place..and some how i have labeled alsaka as being completely safe..because its completely removed in a way..you cant just take a trip to alaska..you have to plan and prepare..and really just want to go..but just a safe place..i would want to wake up without my scars..and i would have my sister back..i would have love and support but i dont know from where yet..because i dont want to be married..im not even sure i want kids in my miracle world..but i do want love and support and acceptance..dusti would be there of course..with my penguin..but what else? i would be comfortable talking and being..and i would remember my life..that would be pretty nice to wake up too..a new world..a new start in a way...but maybe im looking at it the wrong way..i look at my scars some days and hate them and wish they would go away..but ive looked at them long enough to know that i may not be as comfortable without them..i dont know how to be without them i guess..so maybe i just want to be okay with them and not really get rid of them..or have them go away..i just want to be normal i guess..but theres no such thing as normal..and its hard to explain ..i want to be able to wake up in the morning and not wish i was dead before i even make it out of bed..i want to not worry about everything ..i want to be able to deal with myself and what i think and feel without freaking out or ignoring it..i want to like myself and who i am..and be okay with it..and not wish to be like everyone else..i dont want to stand out.but i want to be noticed..i want to be needed..and i guess im not really talking about a miracle anymore..this is just how i wish things could be..safe and removed..i dont know..guess ive gone and side tracked myself ...

guess ill talk about other things for a little bit..

its been raining here for like the past 3 days..its miserable..and cold..i even wore a jacket today! a real one..it was so cold..i finally went and ran errands today..got some things paid..went to the store..traveled richmond a little big..found some new areas kinda..sent mommy some money..and she was upset that i didnt send more..but i couldnt..so oh well..trying not to stress to much about that..but money really is worrying me..just more so because of going home twice next week and having to you know need gas money and money for food and everything..so just worried you know..im excited to see linda next week also..i want her..to see her and talk to her and just be back in her office..i miss seeing her..

the depression is still really really hard right now..but i have an appt with a new pdoc in dec..so hopefully it will be straightened out soon..

just kinda all over the place right now i think..i napped earlier and woke up feeling so out of it..i am proud of myself i guess for getting out today and getting stuff done..i know im isolating myself big time..but i dont want to be bothered..i dont want to be around anyone..and that would be how i know the depression is an issue again..i was doing better you know..a little bit better anyway..but im working the next three days and so ill be around ppl a lot..but now in my time off i just need to be alone..and have quiet...im in the house alone and still it feels loud..and not quiet..i dont know..

im kinda looking forward to parts of next week..im going home monday and tuesday to see linda nad my sister..and im staying at my sisters place..mommy doesnt even know ill be in town..which im fine with..less to stress about you know..i asked my sister to not let mommy know..and she hasnt ..and its not like im gonna tell her..but then i come back to va for work ..and then friday i head home again..and will be home until monday..which i really am worried about..just being back at home and feeling trapped again and everything..i hope it goes ok and that ill have enough to keep me busy and just kinda ok..but i dont know..its all so hard some days..and i know i have to go cas i said i was and i do miss the kids and seeing everyone..and just a change of scenery will be good right now i think..especially with feeling so depressed lately..so ill deal with to the best of my ability..and just hope i handle it...and if nothing else i can always go and stay at my sisters place again..if i really truly cant deal with being at home..

but i guess thats all for now..i think im all written out for the night. but im feeling a bit calmer ..so i guess i really have needed to write

depression sucks

i dont know what is wrong with me today...going so slow with getting things done..i had every intention of leaving the house and running errands before work..but im still sitting here..ready to cry because i cant do anything ..cas im sad and i dont know what to do about it..im getting ready to go to breakfast with yvonne instead of going and doing what i should be doing before work...its going to be a busy day at work..and i was elected to go to some church thing that im not really to interested in tonight with some of my group..its raining outside and i cant find my stupid umbrella at all..and i dont want to get wet and its just bothering me..i think right now everything is just bothering me.. i just want to go and lay back down..i think money is worrying me a lot right now..and im struggling big time with figuring out what i can and cant pay ..and im stressed about what i owe mommy and if she will be mad if i send her less than what she is expecting from me...and i ..i just i dont know .. its so esy to sink into depression and just want to hide from the world..i want to hide..i probably wouldnt havee made it out to do anything before work if yvonne hadnt asked me to go to breakfast.. i would have gone and laid back down and pretended i forgot i had anything at all to do with my day..just because today is kinda all over the place ..but i guess i should go cas i really dont have a lot of time before wor k and have to get out of the house if i expect to do anything at all.

and its almost monday

im so tired..so i have no real idea why in the world im still up and on the computer.

hmm tomorrow is monday and im kinda looking forward to just having something to do with my day..well most of my day..it really does take me all morning still to get my head together enough to even make it to work! ugh..but im glad tomorrow is monday..im glad to go back to work..

yvonne put my desk together tonight for me..and its cool not having to lay on the floor to use the computer..im back to sitting up and typing and it feels so weird..and less relaxing to sit up to use the computer vs stretching out on the floor! but its good that its done and thats one less thing to worry about.

other wise..things are pretty much the same old same old..still feeling sad off and on today but its better today than yesterday..so that i was really glad for..yesterday just kinda sucked..but today was ok i think..made dinner and it turned out really good. so that made me happy. told mommy today that i wouldnt be home for christmas and so i think she is going to come up here for a day or something..which i can deal with..its only a day..so ill have to deal with it..but thats later and so i shouldnt stress about it now..

umm messed around with my blog today..considered giving yvonne the link but i cant decide yet..its weird enough having her truly knowing about the scars..but oh well...i live with her..so ill have to get used to it i guess..

but yeah im really going to bed now

insurance woes

so the good news is..i have insurance

the bad news is ..that my copay for therapy is more expensive than paying out of pocket (on the sliding scale for my other therapist)

i know i shouldnt complain but that i wasnt expecting at all ..ugh

not great

Currently feeling really really depressed, I want to cry and the thought of being alone tonight scares me a little bit. It is entirely my fault I guess for triggering myself into such a bad mood, but now its here and I have to deal with it some how. I dont want to deal with it though, I just want to lay down and sleep and not think about how badly im feeling.

What is it about parents that lets them be able to excuse there actions? To make it ok for them to hurt there kids because they want to, because they can? Who had the bright idea to think that up and then let parents run with it. I wasnt a toy that could be broken and put back together over and over again. I just broke and stayed broken i guess. I am not ready to forgive and I dont want to, but I think the expectation is there. Im supposed to forever, Im supposed to be better and ok. Im not though, and any thing can set me up to feel horrible. I hate triggers, I really do.

It is so easy to start thinking about bad things, to want to cut or hide, or isolate. I have a roommate and sometimes I still feel alone. When I lived with mommy it was the same thing, if she was home I wasnt alone, if my brothers or sisters or someone else was there. Then I wasnt alone but i always felt alone. I was always in my own space and couldnt be touched, or reached or hurt. I was alone and I made it that way. It not getting any better. Tonight when yvonne came and home and told me she was spending the night some where else, i was worried for myself. I could have done any number of things to let her know I wasnt really ok but I cant do that. I still cant do that. Now Im alone, I feel alone, and just hurt right now. Im not physically hurt in any way though.

the sadness eats at me, and makes me feel so hopeless and lost. Always when feeling like this I want the pain of cutting or doing something that hurts. I crave it in a way I think, to escape everything else. Some escapes can only be obtained I guess through pain. It makes me feel crazy to want the pain, to want to hurt myself on purpose, because it will make me feel better for a little while. Even knowing that doesnt make me want it any less. I know it, thats something that is familiar and safe and easy. All I have to do is clean up the mess, although Im majorly into I dont care mode right now. and its hard to do anything at all.

build a bear

it was a surprise trip and wasnt supposed to get anything..but ofcourse as soon as it was mentioned i got up and got ready to go..but it was hard to cas the anxiety is so high right now :( wasnt to ok at first but then got out this evening and once we were there at the mall the mood improved..and then went to the toy store and sat on all the expensive furniture and went to build a bear and the pj store and was in a happier mood...but then we went to dinner and for some reason the mood just dropped big time..and i was restless and anxious and just done with the evening..and i dont know..mommy called and maybe that caused some of the worries and concerns to start up again.. had been doing so good not thinking about it and just trying hard to enjoy the day but after talking to mommy and going to dinner..it was just kinda downhill big time...still to the point of feeling like i want to cry..im nervous and just upset in general..i want to be left alone and at the same time i want to be asked whats wrong ..but i wouldnt answer..not with the whole truth anyway..

and for the rest of the week ..

it turned out ok seeing the eap lady..it didnt kill me...but im not staying with her..she referred me to another place that accepts my insurance..and so once i actually get my insurance info i guess ill be going there..or call and see..

talking to linda today really was very helpful..i enjoy talking to her on the phone actually when i know its the only way to talk to her..before when i could go to her office i didnt like talking to her on the phone as much..but now its ok...told her all about yesterday and that i didnt like the lady..and yeah i so need to get over that.. but now i just pretty much have to wait until i get the info in the mail and go from there..no need to owe anyone else any more money if i can help it! but thats just kinda where all that is at..but really i was only with her for like 30mins ..which was fine with me..i let her know i had been in therapy for a while and just needed to get back in it before january..and so on ..we talked some about like the changes and well that i need to give myself a bit of a break considering ive only been here for 3 or so weeks..i told her it was taking to long to adjust..but well ill try harder to slack off on that end of things..or try to anyway..but she gave me the number of a place that has a bunch of t's and even 2 pdocs on staff and because of the med issue which i talked to her about a little bit..she mentioned that i should call as soon as i could..she did let me know also that the eap thing..is there if i needed it..and its 3 sessions for each time i need it..which i thought was fairly cool..not that i will need it again if i go to therapy but just the option i guess is nice..no idea really what can be solved in 3 sessions ..but maybe thats just me :blink: but it was ok..almost didnt go..had some issues with getting out the door

training today was pretty interesting..because one of the first things that was addressed was taking care of yourself when you arent at work..doing stuff to calm down and allowing yourself to let go of the frustration for a while and then pick it all up again the next day..but not to go home with it and let it stress you out.. and just kinda going over when to step back..and how to calm kids down and all that..and it really is rather interesting..and this part of it at least im not sorry i have to go to..because it is learning a lot of info that is helpful...but this week has been really quiet work wise..its nice to be home before its dark outside you know..and im looking forward to the weekend too..no work..just quiet im hopin and time to relax and chill out..and do nothing for a couple days...

well planning on trying to put my desk together and work on stuff in the apartment for a while this weekend..cas things really do kinda need to get put away..and its just a pain in the butt having the computer on the floor..kinda cool but really a pain..

not thrilled ...

i see the eap person tomorrow afternoon...im not thrilled at all..and its like im almost determined to not like her at all ..ugh..something i just make things so much harder for myself than they need to be!

frustrated with myself

im currently frustrated with myself for a lot of things...some dealing with money and lack there of and some dealing with how ive been replacing all of my wanting to cut feelings with overeating big time...its frustrating and i know better..i really do..and instead im irgnoring what little good sense i have and just kinda saying screw it to everything because i want something to fill the ache of wanting something else..i did a pretty stupid thing this morning and weighed myself...and it was like holy crap i really hope that number is wrong :( its depressing and worrysome at the same time..and its also something i know i can work on and do better at..but im not trying at all right now..i know im not..it is a bad cycle of wanting and not having and replacing one bad habit with another..and some of it is that im so stressed when i leave work and the only places open to get anything to eat is fast food..i know for a fact that ive been getting to much fast food the past couple weeks..im not denying that at all..i eat to late at night..etc etc and so on..and i know im doing it and just keep overruling myself because at the time i think i want it..i may not even be hungry but i think i want to eat..when im really jus stressed and sad or upset or something..but eating makes me feel better because i cant cut...and id almost rather i was cutting..ugh..

and then the money issue comes up..and really i just cant do anything about that one right now..until next month and i start getting paid again...everything is kinda on hold right now until rent is paid and then ill be playing catch up big time next month..but i just get so worried about it..and i know that in reality i cant do anything until i have money..so i have to wait..and be patient..but its nerve racking cas i know i owe so manyn different places money for different stuff..and it is super frustrating..so im trying to wait and not stress..but i am...

not to mention there are a lot of issues with the pdoc place ..and ill be out of meds soon and they cant get me in for an appt...and i need to talk to them about the meds anyway..the lexapro is helping keep my anxiety under control..but its not really helping the depression anymore...i think it helped a little bit but it didnt really do a lot for the depression..and im a little afraid of being put on something else..but the depression is becoming an issue again.. i dont want to leave the house and im sad all the time again..not suicidal but just kinda sad and wanting to be alone and not around ppl and just alot of the old stuff ..old thoughts and feelings coming back up...and id rather they didnt get so bad again..so linda is going to call and see whats going on with that..and ive been talking to her once a week now on the phone..cas i was having such a hard time with things..and then next week i have the eap lady to go and talk to and im hoping she will be able to explain my insurance a bit more..well the mental health part of it anyway..and then ill just go from there..

but i think ive rambled on enough for one morning..

i guess this is progress

well decided to try the eap program first and see..because i think with my insurance it may be easier going through them and having them explain it to me ..and if nothing else it will give me a few free sessions to work with and figure out what im going to do.or where to go from there ..but the only thing with the eap program is that its short term..and i know short term wont work ..well i guess its support and its better than nothing but worried about forming a relationship with someone that i know i wont be able to stay with..and that does make me really nervous..but its next week..and yeah..will see how it goes..

i wont forgive

im upset, not really upset but just thinking. forgiveness has been on my mind since yesterday and going to the workshop thingy about it, and i didnt realize it still upsets us so much. normally i dont consider it much at all, well i think i did for a little while but i guess the thoughts come and go like everything else. but this was pretty straightforward chat about forgiveness and things. and well first i realized i will suck horribly if i ever had to go to group therapy, because it makes me zone out so badly..but also that im so far from forgiving and letting things go that its just hugely disappointing..knowing it will be good and knowing it wont happen at the same time is hard.. i mean i listened to the convo from yesterday..most of it anyway..but then anger got in the way of listening and so it was kind of in and out but anyway..there is a huge huge refusual to forgive anyone for anything..im bad about holding grudges..i dont think the world owes me anything..but the people who have hurt me deserves something..i dont know.its like i deal with myself every single measly day..all the depression and anger and sadness and hate..i have to deal with it and live with it, and adjust to it..and its like all the people who hurt me just get off so easy.they have nothing to deal with..they dont have to fight to get up in the morning and make it through the day like i have to..they dont have to make sure they have fifty million little toys around all the time just to stay in my small little space of reality..its hard and it makes me so so mad..because none of this will be solved in a day, a week, a year down the line...what do i have to look forward to? a life full of hurting and therapy and meds just to stay calm enough to get through every stupid day? thats what i have to look forward to..a life of constantly wanting something more that cant be put into words..being forced to hope that there is something better because it cant get any worse..its not fair ..and so yes it makes me very very mad..and i refuse to forgive.i dont want to..i dont think i want revenge..but i want something..i want them to know how hard it is..to live..to die..to survive..

the same way the hope of things changing with mommy still is a huge huge issue...i cant let it go..i can get close..i can be right there..ready to let it all go..and then i change my mind..i never stop wanting it..i never stop needing it..the drive to have her approval is as strong as ever..the need to have it is as strong as ever..and it doesnt matter if i know somewhere in my head that its not going to happen..that it will never happen..i have to believe it will..i need to believe it will..because if i dont..if i stop believing that it will happen..all ill have to think about and look at is the loss of two sets of parents that i just wasnt good enough for..

a little better

things have calmed down for me a little bit..im feeling more focused and just kinda put back together i guess...i called linda the other day and left her a message..and then got to talk to her twice..and she is calling me today..well later in the afternoon..which i am really happy with..i havent cut..the urge isnt as strong anymore..still there but i can work around it..i was in the store wed i think and had to leave because i wanted razors so bad..and linda told me that if my job was causing that much stress then i need to look for another one..well if i go back to cutting and what not then it may be better to look for anotther job..but i dont want another job.im determined to keep this one..i like the people there..im starting to know them a little bit..i just have to keep in mind that i am super easily triggered there..and i have to be even more careful about shutting down completely...again..and so the search for a new therapist has to start a little sooner than i hoped..im not managing very well not being able to actually see linda..talking on the phone helped but its not the same thing..i have to see someone and know they are physically there..and linda cant really be that for me anymore cas she is to far away..but im not happy to have tofind a new one either..maybe it will be better i guess to find one while im still talking to linda i guess..but i still dont like the idea very much at all ... so its been a pretty busy and emotional week i guesss

but heading to Roanoke va to go to this art show...its called healing for creativity...some of the workshops do sound pretty interesting..i didnt submit anything but i do want to go and just kinda look around..im going with a friend who lives in va too..and its a weekend thing :) so a bit excited about that

not feeling safe

im not feeling safe at all today..overwhelmed and scared..i gave in and called linda and left a message earlier but she hasnt called me back and that makes me nervous too..im afraid to even go to the store right now because i want to cut so much..going to the store is just an opportunity to get razors..i want to have them..not use them..but how long would that last ?? how long before i would give in to the urge and cut again? im supposed to be a role model..im supposed to be doing better..and instead i think feel like im falling apart all over again..i dont know here yet and so no i dont feel safe or stable here..im not stable..but i have to keep it together enough to get by..and like usual ill make to be in control by tomorrow morning..but for tonight..im just all over the place..and out of it..out of focus a bit..back to being more forgetful again..its been a steady decline i think in the past couple weeks..after moving..and then the triggers and upset feelings from work last week just kinda pushed all my issues to the surface..and i cant deal with them..and im back to wanting an escape..any escape at all..

sad feelings - collage

hmmm

i made it through a full week of work..and i survived..im worn out and completely drained and have to be up in a few hours to go back to work..but i made it ..

doubting things big time

im doubting myself a lot right now..worried about things..tonight was my first big trigger with my job..and i guess i really should have known it would happen at some point..but i was hoping slightly i would make it through the first week without having to deal with all of them and me too..im not so sure about any thing right now..and im still really on edge and cant calm down enough to go to sleep..so im writing and i really hope it helps because i have to go back to work in a few hours and deal with them all again..and its not really dealing with them its just there behaviors that i cant deal with i guess...tonight it started off with them yelling at each other, and then one running away from the group screaming, and crying and more yelling, and them not listening to anything..and they just talking about triggering them selves and i think that bothered me..because they talk about it like its nothing..and that its ok and all that and that bothers me a lot..i know some things that trigger me but not all of them and its not like im going to go and share it with the whole world..maybe im just feeling jealous about it all..because i do want to be able to talk about it like that and i cant..i wont..im still stuck with keeping things secrets ..even from myself but all of it just bothered me alot..and its like i cant deal with myself because i have to be strong and capable and in control from the girls and i cant break down or freak out ..and i get myself into enough trouble for not acknowledging my feelings..and now its like i have to push all my thoughts away because work is not the time to deal with my issues at all..but once i push them away then i wont deal with them at all..and i dont know what to do about that .. tonight it was bad because i wasnt expecting it to happen..and that would have been my first mistake..i should know better than to go to work ..especially this job and not be aware that i can be easily triggered..but then its like i cant get away to calm down and its like again that whole..im ok as long as i look ok type thing..and it doesnt matter if im freaking out or not about something.if i dont show it them im still in control somehow and thats not entirely true..because i can hold it in and not say a word about it and ill just end up doing something stupid later on..tonight my first thought was cutting..or hurting in some way to get out of my head..given i wouldnt do it at work..but i cant even hold myself to that because i have cut at work before..for various reasons..and im trying not to cut but the urge came back pretty hard tonight and it sucked..but i think the biggest issue with controlling myself tonight is that i wanted..needed to be alone fora bit and i couldnt..there were a million other things i needed to do and i needed to help with the girls and all there meltdowns..and i cant melt down or freak out..and i think im going to go back to being super controlled and not talking about anything at all because of being afraid that it will become to much to handle..and that saying nothing is better than sharing or talking..and i will go back to right where i was last year at this time ..cas oh last year at this time i was very very suicidal and not ok and all that ..and i really would rather not have a repeat of that but i dont know..the more i lose control the more in control i have to be..appearance is everything and thats how i always manage to keep my out of controlness under the radar..i always seem ok..i can always say im ok..and sometimes im not..sometimes i am..

i dont know im going to bed though..i have to go back to work tomorrow and sunday and then im in training for most of next week..

im really really hoping that once im more used to my job it will be better..but until then i think its going to be a big big struggle to keep myself safe

a long day..a long week

since ive had this open for forever..i guess i should actually write something in it..

im so tired..like energy drain maximized or something..i knew i was tired earlier but then i went to fix dinner and the mess in the kitchen annoyed me and so i just had to clean it up some ..and it wasnt my mess but it was just a community mess and so i just went and got it more in order and cleaned up a bit...im going to have to just go a bit slower i think..cas the more on edge i feel..then the more the messiness of the apartment becomes a bother and theres just nothing that can be done about that right now..im out of space to put stuff and we cant really get rid of stuff until we have a desk and bookshelves to get things off the floor..so trying to be calm about it but yes the mess is starting to bother me big time ... im trying to be patient but its hard cas i want it all put away and neat and organized now..and its not and ugh..its starting to drive me crazy

but today in general was overwhelming..and i think having a hard time at home made today seem even more overwhelming than usual...i had a ton of paper work to fill out..and then i had to get a drug test and a tb test..and then i had to do a benefits thing kinda and none of the 401k info makes sense to me ..and makes me feel so stupid and dumb..because i try to read it and it makes my head spin even more..and then i met my supervisor..and learned all the cottage/group stuff/computer stuff..the morning paperwork stuff was like job guidelines, reading the handbook, and signing away my life lol..the cottage stuff was more knowing the layout, where everything is, what ill be doing, etc..and by then i think my head was swimming in exhaustion..but then i met my group of girls and there are 6 girls..and they are an interesting bunch..they knew i was coming and starting and so as soon as i say the group they you know said hi and everything..but im still new and so they were showing off and all that good stuff and so they were a little all over the place..but i guess its better that i see them like this now and not later..not that it surprises me but yeah..that nice grace period ppl like to tell you about when starting with groups doesnt really happen all the time lol..id rather forego the grace period of super good kids and just let them start out as they are..saves me the stress later..if i can get out all my frustration now..then ill be better able to deal with them later on..but in general they are nice kids..but i know im gonna have to be super super careful because my supervisor was telling me about each of the girls and 3 or more of the 6 have abuse issues on top of other things, one has s/i and sui issues also..and so i know there will be issues that will be a big big problem for me if im not careful and if im not paying attention.. but in general just a lot to take in today..all the new people and place and getting used to things..i know its going to take time and everything but i hate being the new person and not knowing things...but im sure them starting me off with a full week of work was there way of helping me to get to know my group and the rules and guidelines and all that better ! i work from tues - sunday with thursday off this week :dunce im going to be busy to put it nicely ..there are a lot of things im thinking about and worrying about and all that and im worried about being on time and showing up and all that..mornings really arent my strong point ..maybe i just need to make sure im sleeping enough and having enough time to kinda destress ..but i say that and cant think of a thing to do about it thats healthy :-/ im supposed to be setting a good explain you know..i cant go back to cutting cas of feeling so stressed out :(

but i guess the good news in all of it is that i have a job, i showed up, i was on time and looked presentable..i think i made a good first impression..and my benefits once im done with the paperwork will start next month! that i am excited about..

i have so much info to read and go over and i just cant do it tonight..ill have to look at it tomorrow before heading in to work..

so i guess im going to bed..i dont think i can handle anything else today

new job

well
ummm
i start my new job tomorrow...i think im feeling ok about it because its just orientation stuff and meeting people tomorrow..not really doing anything yet..

im nervous but it could be worse...i know it will be more overwhelming tomorrow but i have to go if i want to find out about my schedule..i have to go if i want to find out anything really lol..and well once i go im working and that means a pay check in the future lol..so if i needed motivation then thats it!

but i think its just like always..new people..new place..new schedule..ugh..i just have to wait it out until it becomes routine and im comfortable with it..and then it will be ok..i hope

pretty bad

going home was pretty bad .. even though it was only for a couple days it felt like forever ..i would cry..i want to cry but i cant..i wont ... mommy keeps me home this morning to talk..one of those random heart to hearts that i want no part of..but she had one this morning..she told me what she was upset/worried with me about and i listened and agreed to do better...my scars are a big concern for her..shes worried...she thinks ill be put in the hospital or not have a job because ill be considered crazy...i told her i cut because i was stressed out..she told me not to be stressed because theres nothing to be stressed about..she told me i didnt even have to think because she would tell me exactly what i needed to do or say or something..she told me what to i needed to eat..what i needed to wear..what i needed to do..that i needed to talk to her or someone if something was wrong but that nothing could be wrong .. i had to explain where the scars where and i got the convo about how she stays up late at night worrying about me..which is funny cas i most certainly dont stay up late at night worrying about much ..and most certainly not worrying about myself :( its just shard and makes me feel stupid and that i shouldnt even bother trying to do anything ..my scars make her ashamed...she told me that her plans for my future is to have them grafted off..i had no say in that decision at all..and i dont even know if i want them gone ...i guess i should but i dont know..but i guess the scars are bad and i should be ashamed of them ... how can you put that something is wrong with you and you cant be crazy in the same sentence? how is that supposed to help me or make me talk ?

it doesnt change

going home still sucks and makes me sad :(

update of sorts

a lot has happened..its hard to get my head around all that is going on..so many changes and upsets all at the same time..some i cant fix at all right now and have to just wait out and some are well just kind of ok and moving along..its scary though..knowing that ive moved and am now living in va completely..i have an address..i have an apartment..i have a job..im on my own again in a way and that is overwhelming all by its self..i mean i do like it..i just have to get used to it again..i have to figure out what my limits are again..im so used to being told what i need to do that having to tell myself what to do makes me nervous..im still looking..over my shoulder waiting for mommy to just pop up and yell at me for slacking off or something..and on monday it was really hard and overwhelming because that was kinda the first real day alone and i wasnt ready in some ways..i made it through it though, it just took a little work and a lot of distracting myself ..because for the first time in months i was wanting to cut..and urge was strong and thankfully i didnt have anything to use! but it has passed now and i think im slowly feeling better about things..things are still a huge mess in the apartment..my room is done because well ive had the time to spend putting stuff away you know..so that was ok for me..but i still have a lot of stuff downstairs and this weekend i ahve to go home and get the rest of my stuff that got left at home and some stuff from mommy...and spend a little time with the kids i babysit cas i didnt get a chance to say goodbye to them..cas of working and packing on my last week there..i didnt have time for much really! but ive moved now and its still a bit shocking..cas i would be the only one i guess that didnt believe i would go through with it..i really didnt..but like linda told me..i kept doing all the stuff to move even if i didnt think i was going to do it...

other things are kinda suckish..money is horrible right now..but im done complaining about that..what happened wasnt my fault but the money from my check is gone and will not be refunded so im stuck..and its going to be a sucky few weeks..very very sucky..but ill deal with it..and im opening a new account, at a different bank ..the overdraft fees at bb&t are just to much to deal with right now..so im going somewhere else..

dusti likes it in the new place..she is happy i think to be able to just kinda roam around the apartment and not be locked in just my room anymore..

but thats about all i guess..thats going on..

i start work next week and im a little bit nervous about it..but i think it will be ok..i hope it will be ok!

today is a not good very sad day :(

not good

let the panic start now..the serious holy cow im leaving..really leaving in a week panic..theres so much to do...so many different things that need to get done and i get overwhelmed and scared..and this morning just sitting here i have to fight the tears...why cry? what is there to cry about ? i should feel overjoyed about leaving and i dont...just sad having to say goodbye to everyone..all of my clients ..i have to say good bye the to them this week...one after the other all week..it will just be a week of saying good bye and then moving and more saying goodbye..my sister is upset that im leaving..everyone is upset that im leaving..i keep upsetting everyone.im not upset just sad..because i know im going, i know i have to go..that if i want to stay sane i need to go..and i guess it helps that yvonne knows im freaking out about it ..well i told her i was scared..i left out the freaking out part cas i dont want her to worry..i did tell her that im nervous about stopping therapy..and well we will see..im scared ill get there and just fall apart..that ill have so much time alone that i dont know..just scared and freaking out already this week..im nervous and afraid :(

one week

so hard to believe how big things will change in such a short amount of time..there really doesnt feel like its enough time left...now the worries and panic is becoming overwhelming and i just feel rushed and out of sorts with things.. i know once i am there things will calm down a bit but getting there is well ..yeah ...

dusti stuff

but yep went to the vet this morning with dusti and she took it really well...well as well as she could manage with being completely scared to be there..she cried a little on the way and was super quiet on the way home..but as soon as we got in the house she was back to her usual self..but i like the vet we went to..it helps that its like 5 mins from home and so i think ill keep dusti there..for now anyway..i have to bring her back in a couple weeks (on the 10th) to get her skin checked out again..cas she has a small infection from the fleas and how much she has been scratching..and has to have antibiotics for it..im sure ill have stories to tell about that one! i have to give her medicine twice a day for two weeks! and i found out that the little bump that she has is a cyst...noncancerous thankfully..and the vet drained it and what not but let me know that most likely it will come back..as its been doing but now at least i know what it is and im glad i do..so i can stop worrying about it..and ill just let the vet drain it when we go and see her..cas im so gonna be a good owner and take her to the vet like im supposed to and actually keep track of her shots and things.. and i did feel horrible for the fact that my cat has fleas and i couldnt get rid of them no matter what i tried :( but the vet explained that fleas just kinda come with the territory and even if you bring them home on you its not a huge thing as long as you get it taken care of..and that did make me feel a bit better..but still..ugh i hate it...but the vet did tell me that dusti looks good and healthy..so im glad that im not a completely suckish cat owner cas i do take very good care of dusti! and dusti actually didnt run away from me when she was out of her carrier and she was ok with the docs handling her. .but then they were firm when they picked her up and moved her and stuff and not scared at all...so that was good..they all talked to her and i liked that..i didnt like when they stuck the thermometer up her butt to get her temp...silly me thought they were gonna put it under her tongue like a normal doc! but no..and dusti thinking she was the amazing hiding cat went and walked across the counter and tried to hide behind the rolls of paper towel and then assumed she couldnt be seen lol..and the vet finally moved the paper towel cas dusti was so intent to get behind them! and so she sat over there for a while and just looked at me..and then she decided she wanted to sit in the sink lol .but i am super glad i took her and i hope she starts feeling better and not itchy anymore soon

less than two weeks !

im moving in less than two weeks..how did it come to this ..im scared and worried but im handling this move a whole lot better than my other ones..i really am and i know i am..but still im scared...i started packing a bit last night...just one dresser ..and it was hard..i have to get rid of some stuff that i dont need to take with me..i have to go through everything and organize and i know that i still have a long long way to go with it..i dont know :(

scary realness

im moving in 2 weeks..really truly moving and it scares the crap out of me...everything is just about in order and every piece of the puzzle is starting to be put into place..and its all happened one after the other in the past week or so...first we got the go ahead with the apartment, then i got the job, then mommy made the reservation for the moving truck yesterday..i gave my notice kinda last week and this week i have to make it final..all thats left really is packing...i have two weeks to pack up my room..and then its moving and theres nothing else..thats everything...i never really thought it would happen..i really didnt..and it makes me so sad but at the same time i know this is my ticket out of being at home and i cant not take it...its not ok at home and i stayed a lot longer than i should have in hopes that it would work out and be ok and its hasnt changed yet..and so i cant keep hoping that it will change..it hurts to much to keep hoping and to constantly be let down..and so now its time to move and i cant change my mind anymore about it now..everything is in place..almost everyone knows...i have to go..i am going..im ok with going but still im just scared a little bit..ok a lot...starting over..being in a new place...last night i was worrying about how i would deal with the new job ... and how i would handle it..so many things to worry about..but i guess its ok..i hope its ok..ill be worrying a lot the next couple weeks ...

just...wow

things are changing so much now...they really are...all in one week i found out i got the job i interviewed for, i got the apartment we applied for, i told my supervisor that i would be moving, dee and all of them know im moving...and im happy i am..but im sad too..guessing the excitement over yesterday has gone again..but it was nice you know..but now im just sad to be leaving because now its like yes your really leaving..nothing else is in the way anymore..nothing else can be put off..ive filled the requirement placed by mommy and now she cant even stop me from going..and that means im actually leaving..and that is scary..i guess part of me was just positive something would happen and i would just end up staying or i would really back out of it..or i wouldnt have a job..or something..something would happen ..i would have sabotaged myself in some way and it wouldnt have worked out..and given ive tried hard to go as slow as i possibly could with all of it..and still time kept moving and things kept getting done and now its time to go almost...2 weeks..and ill be moving..wow..its really just hard to believe..it really is..it is a lot to take in..and get used to..im worried a lot about it..and scared about it..but it looks like im going and wont be talked out of it..maybe i have grown up a bit lately..

just a little upset i guess

you know its interesting i guess..maybe its just sad i guess that once someone else is in the house then im kinda forgotten again ... with my older brother home again.its like mommy is doing everything for him and im once again not important enough to remember...she made dinner last night and forgot to call me..but she called him and fixed his food (which i dont agree with at all but whatever) she made him breakfast this morning and im forgotten..she did even be annoying and yell to make sure i was still alive this morning..and as much as i hate it when its actually happening..when it doesnt happen its like i dont matter anymore :box it shouldnt bother me and it does... it always bothers me..and now im slightly upset that my brother is even here and i wish he would just leave again :-/ and i just lost the last of my cash to her and my brother...yeah im really hating this right now..

well good news

we got the apartment...have to pay a full months rent for the deposit but i really dont care lol..i was expecting that and so its not a surprise or anything at all..but yvonne called and told me last night!

too many feelings

ooooh i am so so so very mad and upset right now..maybe its not mad maybe im just frustrated to the max..so much for calming down and getting my head to feel a little more together...why is it that as soon as everyone knows im leaving they want me to stay..the lady i babysit for called me tonight and offered me a job..a salary job..tutor the kids and assisting with stuff for her..stuff i do anyway but now it would be all official and what not..and it upsets me because a couple months ago when i needed a job and would have stayed for the job it wasnt available..and now it is and im leaving already..i cant change my mind now because its too late for that.. i would have been able to afford to stay..and now im leaving and its not even a possibility anymore but now the offer is out there and i had to turn her down when she told me about it..she asked if i would help her get it online and stuff..but its like :censor it would have worked out so well and now i cant do it..im not upset about leaving ..im upset about losing the chance to have a stable job, keep my therapist, live somewhere not at home..but it was too late...i cant disappoint yvonne like that..that would be awful and she needs me as much as i need her..friend wise to just be around and accessible and stuff..it seems so unbelievable ...you know..i waited and waited and hoped for the tutoring thing..but it just came to late..:( and that does make me very very sad :(

but sad feelings aside..i really am feeling rather scattered right now still..and not completely ok with things..once i was up this morning and moving around after turning in paperwork super early..i felt ok..i almost felt happy..it was shocking...i actually saw both of my clients today..without calling out or switching anyone around ..and i am happy about that..its been a while since ive done that... but seeing the baby of course does brighten my day..and they had a new little puppy ..and it was fun of course using the playdoh and things..and so all that was ok...but then the person i saw after t was ok too but a little harder cas i was thinking about all the stuff from t and it was making me a little nervous and on edge but not horrible to deal with...

t was well t..it was fun and incredibly distracting today..thanks to me and wanting to do everything but therapy lol..i showed her the new book from yvonne and gave her a picture which she is going to hang in her window..talked about the interview and going to va..and she told me she was proud of me..more than once actually.. :$ and then we talked a bit about moving and putting in my notice and all of that..and she told me how important it was to not wait..and yeah i had planned on waiting ..but talking about it with her and her well refusing to do it for me..made me worried and i knew if i didnt do it today then it would have done it all week and i didnt really have much more time to play with in that area..and sooo i worried and stressed about it and back out of actually doing it and finally just managed to get it out and kinda let one of my supervisors know..she is going to let my other supervisors know and then well i have to tell all my families :( and im not looking forward to that at all..but anyway back to t stuff..so we talked about moving and ending with her..and well she told me that she thinks i need to have a goal of ending with her completely by january..and finding a new t in va by then :( ...but in the mean time i can talk to her on the phone and see her when i come back to nc to do stuff..so that will have to work .. but im not to pleased with it really..and im worried big time about not having reg face to face t .. i really am..and i know we will be ok but that doesnt ease the fears any at all...but then i managed to sidetrack t yet again by showing her pictures online..and asking about her tree and who would remind her to water it..and yeah..lots of distracting today.. but left her feeling once again almost happy in all its creepy weirdness..(no idea what was in my juice this morning!)

and i told one of my families kinda already that im leaving today..i told my clients guardian but not my actual client..she doesnt need to know yet...but i was happy cas her aunt told me that they may have found her a group home to go to and that is what she needs..she needs some independence and living on her own..but i have to tell my other families and im not really looking forward to having to do that..one family in particular that i may have to beg one of my supervisors to help with cas they are not gonna be happy that im leaving ..

but maybe its just been a lot to take in for one day..i dont know..im tired and feeling so many different things that it just frustrates me right now..all of it

rainbow cake fun :)

rainbw cake fun :) :) it was awesome