Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
hmm
I am feeling really anxious right now. I feel crowded and overwhelmed with everything and I have this huge desire to just go home and cry or hide and not come out for anything. Have you ever just felt so utterly alone in everything but still surrounded by people and responsibilities? Like the smallest slip up will send everything tumbling into nothingness? I dont know why, or better is I do know why and I dont want to take the time to admit it. I dont want to face anything right now and I cant help but think of how well i managed to shut down for a good while during my last semester of college because I was freaking out so badly and not wanting to do anything. Already I have lists forming in my head of things I need to do, things I have to take care of when it comes time for me to move home. Just thinking that far into things makes me want to cry and never stop. It is such a stupid idea and yet it is the only one I really have right now. There has been to much stress trying to pay all the bills and always coming up short. There has been to many expectations and all I do is fail miserably at all of them. I want to be able to say I know what I want and where Im going but once again Im just stuck and feeling alone through all of it. I dont know what to say to make myself be heard and I dont know what to say to make everything better. Im just feeling so nervous and on edge about everything and this morning pissed me off so so much at work. Maybe it is just fear talking and if I get it all out now then everything will be better once im calm again. but i dont know if just writing will be enough. its like all i have to do is find the one button that will once again shut me off until i can handle everything again. and i want to find it. i want to just go away and disappear but even that scares me because what if i go away and cant come back? there is a huge finality to the entire situation..when its all over what will happen? what will be left? will i manage it and survive? will i go back to cutting every day again? will i stop eating or just eat and start throwing up again? will i move home and go back to being suicidal and wonder how long it will take to give in just to get away. how many times a day will i have to hear im not good enough before I believe it completely again. when will i give up completely on everything? when will i go back to being a child and completely dependent on mommy when i will be in her reach again. how long will it take before i stop talking or my tears dry up because there is nothing left to cry for. once im there it will be harder to leave, i know it will be. it will be like being trapped again and the longer i stay the harder it will be to get out. then i have to say its fine for me to go home because i know i can. because i know i can and that i dont want to makes me feel 10 times worse.
nevermind..just going to bed
nevermind..just going to bed
orange snot and other stuff
Im only really writing this because it was a lot of fun yesterday and i worry if i dont write it then ill forget it.
im at work..nothing new there because its turning out that once again im ending up more on the weekend shift than anything else..so we are at work and saturday was a waste of a day because we had to stay in group for most of it to deal with an issue that we didnt even finish until sunday morning..and it was a stupid issue to begin with but then one of the kids thought they could outlast us counselors in the waiting game and thinking we would give in and they would get out of the whole thing..but nope with me and jim we are pros at waiting out a liar and so we waited for a almost a day and a half ..and we had already reached a conclusion for who we had thought did it and everything but we didnt call anyone out on it..so we made everyone wait and oh some of them were so pissed off..but anyway we got it dealt with on sunday and after all the chores and stuff we had to get done we were going to go bowling and shopping for some stuff..jim and i decided we would do something fun with them before all the other stuff happened and we were going to make halloween rice crispy treats..well the blowing didnt work out because they were crowded and we needed 2 lanes and it was getting late so we just went to walmart and hung out there and picked up some stuff for our activity..well of course we get in the store and im overly excited about the halloween sprinkles being on sale and getting to look at all the decorations and then i found the colored applesauce and had to look at it and the colored oreos and had to look at them too..a butt load of marshmellows later jim finally gets me out of the store because im fully ready to spend all of our money and stuff we dont need at all..and he walked away when i remembered i wanted jelly beans and wouldnt rest until i found some that i couldnt get in the end anyway lol..so seriously we got like 7 bags of marshmellows and then used 2 more bags we had here!! and we made orange and black rice crispy goo..ive only made rice crispy treats maybe once in my poor life and so we are in the kitchen making huge batches and im watching them melt and start going all gooey and sticky and finding it really funny..because we are trying to start dinner at the same time but taking all the big pots to put marshmellows in..well i start adding the orange food coloring and of course the store had to make it hard and not have just plain old orange ..nope so im mixing red and yellow together and got pink first..then it moved into a funny salmon color with like neon yellow streaks in it..and i kept adding in yellow and finally it kept going until i got some form of orange..but of course this is me and im having a great time laughing at the non orange mix in the pot and then i learned that adding the cereal and stirring it up part of the way and letting it drop back into the pot makes it look like snot..by now im not even trying to finish mixing it up because im having to much fun laughing at the orange snot ive turned out..and then i decided it looked like spiderwebs because of how it was pulling apart :) i think by then i was enjoying it way more than the other kids lol...and jim ended up with a slightly purple looking black but the kids did have a good time playing in it and making different halloween things..they made monsters and pumpkins, witchs hats, bat, rats..lots of different stuff..and it was a lot of fun..they asked to do it again at christmas and we have no problem doing it again at all..it was easy and fun and with guidelines it was a mess but without being really messy and of course it works out because i had fun doing it and jim didnt care that i was having a ball doing nothing but playing in the food coloring..he was happy i was happy..and im very proud of my bat thats orange and black and had colored sugar on it..although i am now sick to death of marshmellows!!!
the thing i dont get is that the kids had a great time doing it and the boss is being a dork and not letting them help plan out what they want to do on wed..it doesnt make sense because they are really coming up with some good ideas and they are being blown off completely ..its not fun and im not working on weds although it would have been a lot of fun if we were..im not going to complain and all the kids are asking that we come in on wed to join in..and its like i dont want to be here if the boss is just going to suck all the fun out of it...but all of the kids enjoyed yesterday and it took nothing to take the time to get the supplies and let them go at it..they entertained themselves and everyone participated so i dont see what the problem is..but im not in charge and so i guess what i think doesnt matter anymore...
im still really upset about the whole job thing but i dont know..right when its getting to the point that i can happy to come and hang out with my group i realize they are going home in a couple months..some are talking about coming back and its like i dont know if ill be here..im pretty sure i wont be here but i havent told anyone that expect jim and mommy because well i just did..some of them i would love to work with again..they are finally figuring out that me and jim do know what we are doing and we arent doing stuff to be mean to them..we were told by one of the kids over the weekend that we are the only ones that take initiative and do anything around here..we dont let them slack on the cleaning or anything when we are here..and the other side of the shift does..they are supposed to be counselors but when they are told about the bathrooms being clogged or something small that they can fix or get fixed they leave it for three days or more and then we come on shift and its like ok who did it and why hasnt it been cleaned up..and we are told that they told the other counselors and they did nothing to get it fixed..and its frustrating because we have other things we need to do and they are keeping things in order when they are on and so we always have to look like the bad guys because we make them clean and do what they are supposed to do...and its other stuff too like putting gas in the bus when they come back or cleaning the kitchen after meals correctly..checking there belongings to make sure they are clean and folded..keeping up with laundry..stuff like that..and to make things even better the wonderful office ppl have decided they need to lock up all the food!!!!!! this morning we come down for breakfast and everything is still locked and we cant get into anything to make the breakfast or get what we need and it seriously pissed me off..on mondays the manager is supposed to get breakfast done and he wasnt here..we dont have a key and this weekend we could only eat what was left out for us..who does that to a bunch of kids at school?? it makes no sense because sometimes the meals dont work out or the kids dont want them or its too late to fix a full meal at 8 at night and no one is hungry..its not fair at all that we dont have a key to get into stuff ..and i can understand the locking it part if ppl are coming in and taking food but we cant be locked out on school mornings when we are supposed to be making oatmeal or something and nothing is taken out and we cant get into anything..they had toast and yogurt for breakfast because that was all that was there and all we could make...im sick to death of our menu..im sick of cold cereal or instant grits/oatmeal for breakfast every morning..im sick of having spaghetti every week along with grilled chicken salad..every week its the same food again and again and again..im sick of being stuck in cold buildings because no one will turn the heat on for us because everything is locked and we cant get into it..the kids are sick of it because they tell us so..and then no one listens when we complain or ask for keys or tell them this isnt working at all...no it makes no sense to me and this morning just killed it for me and i was incredibly incredibly upset when i realized they expected us to make breakfast but well nothing is unlocked..no i wasnt happy this morning at all and im still a bit pissed off about all of it...
im at work..nothing new there because its turning out that once again im ending up more on the weekend shift than anything else..so we are at work and saturday was a waste of a day because we had to stay in group for most of it to deal with an issue that we didnt even finish until sunday morning..and it was a stupid issue to begin with but then one of the kids thought they could outlast us counselors in the waiting game and thinking we would give in and they would get out of the whole thing..but nope with me and jim we are pros at waiting out a liar and so we waited for a almost a day and a half ..and we had already reached a conclusion for who we had thought did it and everything but we didnt call anyone out on it..so we made everyone wait and oh some of them were so pissed off..but anyway we got it dealt with on sunday and after all the chores and stuff we had to get done we were going to go bowling and shopping for some stuff..jim and i decided we would do something fun with them before all the other stuff happened and we were going to make halloween rice crispy treats..well the blowing didnt work out because they were crowded and we needed 2 lanes and it was getting late so we just went to walmart and hung out there and picked up some stuff for our activity..well of course we get in the store and im overly excited about the halloween sprinkles being on sale and getting to look at all the decorations and then i found the colored applesauce and had to look at it and the colored oreos and had to look at them too..a butt load of marshmellows later jim finally gets me out of the store because im fully ready to spend all of our money and stuff we dont need at all..and he walked away when i remembered i wanted jelly beans and wouldnt rest until i found some that i couldnt get in the end anyway lol..so seriously we got like 7 bags of marshmellows and then used 2 more bags we had here!! and we made orange and black rice crispy goo..ive only made rice crispy treats maybe once in my poor life and so we are in the kitchen making huge batches and im watching them melt and start going all gooey and sticky and finding it really funny..because we are trying to start dinner at the same time but taking all the big pots to put marshmellows in..well i start adding the orange food coloring and of course the store had to make it hard and not have just plain old orange ..nope so im mixing red and yellow together and got pink first..then it moved into a funny salmon color with like neon yellow streaks in it..and i kept adding in yellow and finally it kept going until i got some form of orange..but of course this is me and im having a great time laughing at the non orange mix in the pot and then i learned that adding the cereal and stirring it up part of the way and letting it drop back into the pot makes it look like snot..by now im not even trying to finish mixing it up because im having to much fun laughing at the orange snot ive turned out..and then i decided it looked like spiderwebs because of how it was pulling apart :) i think by then i was enjoying it way more than the other kids lol...and jim ended up with a slightly purple looking black but the kids did have a good time playing in it and making different halloween things..they made monsters and pumpkins, witchs hats, bat, rats..lots of different stuff..and it was a lot of fun..they asked to do it again at christmas and we have no problem doing it again at all..it was easy and fun and with guidelines it was a mess but without being really messy and of course it works out because i had fun doing it and jim didnt care that i was having a ball doing nothing but playing in the food coloring..he was happy i was happy..and im very proud of my bat thats orange and black and had colored sugar on it..although i am now sick to death of marshmellows!!!
the thing i dont get is that the kids had a great time doing it and the boss is being a dork and not letting them help plan out what they want to do on wed..it doesnt make sense because they are really coming up with some good ideas and they are being blown off completely ..its not fun and im not working on weds although it would have been a lot of fun if we were..im not going to complain and all the kids are asking that we come in on wed to join in..and its like i dont want to be here if the boss is just going to suck all the fun out of it...but all of the kids enjoyed yesterday and it took nothing to take the time to get the supplies and let them go at it..they entertained themselves and everyone participated so i dont see what the problem is..but im not in charge and so i guess what i think doesnt matter anymore...
im still really upset about the whole job thing but i dont know..right when its getting to the point that i can happy to come and hang out with my group i realize they are going home in a couple months..some are talking about coming back and its like i dont know if ill be here..im pretty sure i wont be here but i havent told anyone that expect jim and mommy because well i just did..some of them i would love to work with again..they are finally figuring out that me and jim do know what we are doing and we arent doing stuff to be mean to them..we were told by one of the kids over the weekend that we are the only ones that take initiative and do anything around here..we dont let them slack on the cleaning or anything when we are here..and the other side of the shift does..they are supposed to be counselors but when they are told about the bathrooms being clogged or something small that they can fix or get fixed they leave it for three days or more and then we come on shift and its like ok who did it and why hasnt it been cleaned up..and we are told that they told the other counselors and they did nothing to get it fixed..and its frustrating because we have other things we need to do and they are keeping things in order when they are on and so we always have to look like the bad guys because we make them clean and do what they are supposed to do...and its other stuff too like putting gas in the bus when they come back or cleaning the kitchen after meals correctly..checking there belongings to make sure they are clean and folded..keeping up with laundry..stuff like that..and to make things even better the wonderful office ppl have decided they need to lock up all the food!!!!!! this morning we come down for breakfast and everything is still locked and we cant get into anything to make the breakfast or get what we need and it seriously pissed me off..on mondays the manager is supposed to get breakfast done and he wasnt here..we dont have a key and this weekend we could only eat what was left out for us..who does that to a bunch of kids at school?? it makes no sense because sometimes the meals dont work out or the kids dont want them or its too late to fix a full meal at 8 at night and no one is hungry..its not fair at all that we dont have a key to get into stuff ..and i can understand the locking it part if ppl are coming in and taking food but we cant be locked out on school mornings when we are supposed to be making oatmeal or something and nothing is taken out and we cant get into anything..they had toast and yogurt for breakfast because that was all that was there and all we could make...im sick to death of our menu..im sick of cold cereal or instant grits/oatmeal for breakfast every morning..im sick of having spaghetti every week along with grilled chicken salad..every week its the same food again and again and again..im sick of being stuck in cold buildings because no one will turn the heat on for us because everything is locked and we cant get into it..the kids are sick of it because they tell us so..and then no one listens when we complain or ask for keys or tell them this isnt working at all...no it makes no sense to me and this morning just killed it for me and i was incredibly incredibly upset when i realized they expected us to make breakfast but well nothing is unlocked..no i wasnt happy this morning at all and im still a bit pissed off about all of it...
Saturday, October 27, 2007
hurt
im so confused..im upset and hurt and really cant believe this is actually going on...i found out this morning that we are having performance meetings next week and that if we need to work on anything then we will be unwelcomed next semester..which i take to mean we will be fired at the end of this semester..and if you have nothing to work on then you will be welcomed back and its like you have got to be kidding me..i have been here since this program started..i have stuck it out and dealt with all the changes i didnt like and everything that has gone on and they have the nerve to spring this on me..i had only bee half looking around for a job..i didnt know what i really wanted to do or go and now this..without a job i have to move home and i would almost rather die than do that..i cant handle being at home and i cant afford to just stay here without a job now..if im told i am welcomed back next semester im going to turn it down..i dont know if ill ever come back here again..the one place i felt safest is slipping away from me..they arent doing enough to keep the ppl they have here and they arent doing so hot about hiring the ppl we need for the rest of this semester and they have the nerve to say they are going to be telling us if we are needed next semester...its crazy and stupid and my feelings are really hurt..i called mommy this morning almost crying because it was way to much to process and all i could think of doing was calling mommy and telling her i may be going home to stay at Christmas..and she said it wasnt a problem and dusti is fine at home but just being home makes me crazy..it really really does..and i dont want to go but its like now i have to suck it up and go home until i can move somewhere else..now that it is almost actually happening im not really sure what i want to do..im starting to get really scared because it will be less than two months and my life will be uprooted again..im going to the one place i hoped and prayed i would never have to live again..i get stressed enough just visiting and now im moving..preparing to move and i dont know what to make of it at all...ive been talking to jim about it and its like make plans ..but making plans makes me nervous..i cant be at work and start having panic attacks again..that would suck ..really really suck i just dont know what im supposed to do..i dont know where to start..
Friday, October 26, 2007
nerves
today i noticed that my eye is starting to twitch again..i dont know why its happening again now but maybe ill go out on a limb and say im feeling a bit more anxious than usual..maybe its just been a build up i dont know..but it really sucks ..its like my eye can just go out of focus for a bit when its really going all over the place.. and then i just stress out more because i cant stop it..ugh its not fair...one more thing to worry about..maybe it will stop again since it did last time..but i dont know..i thought i was managing i guess..maybe im wrong
Thursday, October 25, 2007
a bit of art
why art is sometimes so easy ill never know..maybe i dont need to know .. finally sat down and finished my collage..the first one ive ever done and im not really sure yet what it represents..maybe a lot of stuff all mushed together..maybe its just everything ill never bother saying..maybe someone else will see it and be able to read it perfectly and enlighten me as to what it means..art is funny like that..it can mean something different to everyone who looks at it..so its just art..
not much
you know whoever decided that it had to be women how had kids needs to really be shot..i bet it was a guy too..ugh..
ok so im not in the best of moods right now..mommy decided to call me at this morning while i was still sleep and scared the crap out of me..i was seriously out and had no intention of letting myself wake up any time soon and then my phone goes off and dusti goes flying off my bed and i cant find my phone and it was just incredibly loud..then of course i couldnt go back to sleep at all and all i want to do is sleep and not have to do anything else..cant do anything else anyway but at least if im sleeping im not doing anything incredibly stupid..i do have to do laundry and the remains of my latest art project is on the floor all over the place and dusti is loving having all the paper on the floor to play with..i remembered i randomly work on collecting pictures to make a collage and ive been doing it off and on since a little before the summer started..id get some magainzes and find some good stuff and cut pictures and stuff out and then lose interest in it and pack it all away..and a month or so down the road see a picture i really like and remember i have a collage started..and so its been off and on for a while..decided to work on it some last night until i got distracted and just stopped so paper and pictures are all over the floor ..i need to hang up all the clothes ive been pulling out and clean my closet again..i wish i could go through and get rid of clothes again...i have so many and keep getting more and im not wearing half of them and they take up so much space! maybe i can sell them or something after i find someway to do it..but just an idea..im playing around with..mommy is now very much dealing with my pay checks not that they are impressive or anything but because she has to keep giving me money to pay stuff and its like well sorry but i cant afford to pay all of them and still do things like have gas money or eat...cant really afford to go home for thanksgiving and i dont really want to go home for thanksgiving because it is a waste to only be off for four days to drive home and come right back..and i have to work before and after thanksgiving so its a pain in the butt..but of course coming home has to win because mommy says so..so yesterday was juts a lot of back and forth phone time getting yelled at about money and everything and the holidays..
ok so im not in the best of moods right now..mommy decided to call me at this morning while i was still sleep and scared the crap out of me..i was seriously out and had no intention of letting myself wake up any time soon and then my phone goes off and dusti goes flying off my bed and i cant find my phone and it was just incredibly loud..then of course i couldnt go back to sleep at all and all i want to do is sleep and not have to do anything else..cant do anything else anyway but at least if im sleeping im not doing anything incredibly stupid..i do have to do laundry and the remains of my latest art project is on the floor all over the place and dusti is loving having all the paper on the floor to play with..i remembered i randomly work on collecting pictures to make a collage and ive been doing it off and on since a little before the summer started..id get some magainzes and find some good stuff and cut pictures and stuff out and then lose interest in it and pack it all away..and a month or so down the road see a picture i really like and remember i have a collage started..and so its been off and on for a while..decided to work on it some last night until i got distracted and just stopped so paper and pictures are all over the floor ..i need to hang up all the clothes ive been pulling out and clean my closet again..i wish i could go through and get rid of clothes again...i have so many and keep getting more and im not wearing half of them and they take up so much space! maybe i can sell them or something after i find someway to do it..but just an idea..im playing around with..mommy is now very much dealing with my pay checks not that they are impressive or anything but because she has to keep giving me money to pay stuff and its like well sorry but i cant afford to pay all of them and still do things like have gas money or eat...cant really afford to go home for thanksgiving and i dont really want to go home for thanksgiving because it is a waste to only be off for four days to drive home and come right back..and i have to work before and after thanksgiving so its a pain in the butt..but of course coming home has to win because mommy says so..so yesterday was juts a lot of back and forth phone time getting yelled at about money and everything and the holidays..
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
trip, traveling, endless hours in the van and 20 discs of Eldest
well im feeling incredibly tired and a bit annoyed i figure ill write anyway...
the trip was a lot of fun..im glad i got to go back to Dc and we did so much more stuff this time...we went through va and w va..we took a scenic drive for a day and a half and after a while it was just boring but still pretty..it was just like trees tress trees and then mountains and sky and valleys and it was like wow.. where did that come from..we ended up camping in md when we got to the dc area..our campsites were all nice..and pretty and tons of deer all over the place...and most had bathrooms and that can make or break a campsite!!! so i cant complain about that :)..well we got to sc after what 4 or so days of endless hours in the van..and being stuck in the back with 8 kids is not so cool after about the first day..and i was not pleased at all that i asked for the front seat and ended up having to sit in the back because the teachers assistant said she needed it..well i was nice and held my temper when she asked and gave up the front seat..and oh it was miserable some days sitting in the back..but i didnt complain ..just dealt with it..and so all the arguing and bickering i got to deal with in the van..i was in charge of changing seats when they got to annoying and just couldnt manage to seat with each other..i dealt with all the annoying trip questions and when i was at my wits end i ignored them all and just had to g et out of the van for a while..and then after a few days of no showers the van didnt smell so good lol..so we made it to dc on thursday and toured the capitol building and the library of congress..and i would be happy to never ever ever EVER go back to the library of congress!! it was so boring..another pretty but boring building..the tour guides put me in a coma and i almost thought it was really possible to die of boredom in the middle of dc lol..we had a good guide at the capitol building and he worked well with our kids..but it was still a bit boring and now i remember why it is i never liked history much..its sooooooooooooooooooooo boring! and we went to the kennedy center and saw a jazz concert .. not great by my opinion but oh well it was a nice concert all the same...and the view from the building was great! it like we could see all over dc ..and we were there right at sunset and it was just a pretty place..we got to go to the zoo again and in the rain no less! but it was still really cool..we went to the natural history museum and the holocaust museum..the history museum was ok but the mammal room was the best part! the animals so were life like and big...and i saw the hope diamond and it wasnt that impressive but ill never own it! oh and the coolest part yet...we ran into lauren in the middle of the history museum! it was the coolest thing ever and made my day..i have missed her and how much she made me laugh and how she colored with me..and i was just standing by the bathroom waiting for my kids to come out, studying the map of the place and i just look up and Lauren is right in front of me!! it was so surprising and cool ..of all the places to run into someone from camp :)..the holocaust museum was a very humbling experience and im so glad i got to go..its like one of those places you have to go to really understand it and get the full picture..in school in younger years the holocaust is one of the few things that interested me ..and now its like geez the world can be stupid at times..i still cant believe that ppl actually believe it didnt happen?! please tell how it is that 6 million ppl were killed and you think it didnt happen?? did entire families just disappear randomly? give me a break..so yes it happened the the museum was really good and held nothing back..lets see well after that day i considered the trip to be over because we were starting to head back to the nc and well it was just seriously just more endless hours on the road watching the trees go by..although ive never really noticed summer change into fall until now...driving and being in the mountains you can really see the colors change..the trees are all colors of red orange and yellow..its so pretty seeing them all..its like being able to take a step back and really appreciate nature for what it is..a lot of the parks we went to had bunches of deer ..they came out at night and in the early morning and walked around the campsites or along the road..we saw bunnies and a fox even at one of the campsites..i have learned that the KOA's are the best of camping..i thought i had died and gone to heaven when i got to take a shower when we went to the KOA..it was like a private shower with a door that locked..yep it was appreciating the small things in life to the fullest! we ended up camping at a different campground on the way back because of distances and not getting there until really late so we went to a different one and it turned out to be really nice..and we had enough extra money that we could afford to be there for the last couple days..and then we headed home for good yesterday..woke up at 6 and got the kids packed by 7 and we were heading home..we made it back a bit before 12 ..unloaded some stuff and then left again to go and out to lunch..they all behaved very well at the restaurant and enjoyed it a lot..we went to an exotic pet store and saw the shark and alligator and fish and bunnies and little hairless baby mice and birds and turtles and snakes...umm it was dinner time when we went and it was bit ugh sickening but captivating at the same time..although then it just went back to being sickening because it was well feeding time meant well just use your imagination when it comes to snakes..but still a bit cool..and then we had the fun task of doing laundry with 8 kids..we spent a lot of money lol..and the kids for the most part did very well on the trip..they were not happy to have to listen to Eldest on the drive but well i wanted to hear it and so did jim so we elected to listen to it anyway ! that was fun because after a while i was being bribed to talk to jim about not listening to it anymore and they are getting pretty interesting with there brides lol..not that i accepted any of them but it was fun..they all said they had a good time on the trip and well i burned a few picnic tables and then managed to melt the stoves into one of them..not my fault i didnt realize the pieces were sinking into the table! and then i go and try to get them out and its like ummm we have a problem..they took pictures!!!! its funny but a bit embarrassing..and then we ran into a fire ban in va and the stove spilled and so the picnic table was kinda burning and well uncool because of course right then the ranger comes by! and at the same moment one of our kids has a melt down..fun fun fun...but overall it was a fun trip..a lot of fun if you can get past all the camping and lack of outside stimulation...
and then we come back to camp and we are treated as if we dont know what we are doing..it was a little unsettling being questioned about some of our expenses and it was just weird..its like we have done this before..we had more trust and freedom last semester but we have done nothing that should have made us lose that trust..so i dont know whats going on in the office but i would appreciate if they get there acts together..i find it very interesting that one of my kids told me they dont like the program manager..and i didnt agree or disagree with her but its like well gee shes only known him for like what 2 months and she doesnt like him..i was not pleased this morning when we were stuck doing shift change for and hour and a half..i just came back from a ten day trip with no breaks and then im being forced to sit here and pretend to care when all i want to do is get home and check on dusti and my apartment and make sure everything is ok..and no..im forced to sit there and listen and it was a waste because i wasnt listening..i wasnt paying attention..my attention was all over the place..i was tired and cranky and not wanting to be there at all..and im only off for three days..thats it..and then its back to work and its hard to get to back in the swing of things...i feel so out of place right now..i had forgotten what it was like to be gone and then come back..i hate out hard it is to get back into the swing of things..its more than just being gone for a few days ..i was gone for a week and a half and without tv or news or anything just kids and camping and kids and camping and more kids and camping..that was my world and then coming home and having internet and finding out about the fires in cali and bank stuff and money stuff and all this other stuff that is still here waiting for me when i get back..doesnt matter that i was gone or not..its all just waiting and i cant manage to decompress from everything trip wise at all..ugh..dont know why everything is overwhelming me right now..maybe im just overly tired and a night of sleep will help..i hope so
the trip was a lot of fun..im glad i got to go back to Dc and we did so much more stuff this time...we went through va and w va..we took a scenic drive for a day and a half and after a while it was just boring but still pretty..it was just like trees tress trees and then mountains and sky and valleys and it was like wow.. where did that come from..we ended up camping in md when we got to the dc area..our campsites were all nice..and pretty and tons of deer all over the place...and most had bathrooms and that can make or break a campsite!!! so i cant complain about that :)..well we got to sc after what 4 or so days of endless hours in the van..and being stuck in the back with 8 kids is not so cool after about the first day..and i was not pleased at all that i asked for the front seat and ended up having to sit in the back because the teachers assistant said she needed it..well i was nice and held my temper when she asked and gave up the front seat..and oh it was miserable some days sitting in the back..but i didnt complain ..just dealt with it..and so all the arguing and bickering i got to deal with in the van..i was in charge of changing seats when they got to annoying and just couldnt manage to seat with each other..i dealt with all the annoying trip questions and when i was at my wits end i ignored them all and just had to g et out of the van for a while..and then after a few days of no showers the van didnt smell so good lol..so we made it to dc on thursday and toured the capitol building and the library of congress..and i would be happy to never ever ever EVER go back to the library of congress!! it was so boring..another pretty but boring building..the tour guides put me in a coma and i almost thought it was really possible to die of boredom in the middle of dc lol..we had a good guide at the capitol building and he worked well with our kids..but it was still a bit boring and now i remember why it is i never liked history much..its sooooooooooooooooooooo boring! and we went to the kennedy center and saw a jazz concert .. not great by my opinion but oh well it was a nice concert all the same...and the view from the building was great! it like we could see all over dc ..and we were there right at sunset and it was just a pretty place..we got to go to the zoo again and in the rain no less! but it was still really cool..we went to the natural history museum and the holocaust museum..the history museum was ok but the mammal room was the best part! the animals so were life like and big...and i saw the hope diamond and it wasnt that impressive but ill never own it! oh and the coolest part yet...we ran into lauren in the middle of the history museum! it was the coolest thing ever and made my day..i have missed her and how much she made me laugh and how she colored with me..and i was just standing by the bathroom waiting for my kids to come out, studying the map of the place and i just look up and Lauren is right in front of me!! it was so surprising and cool ..of all the places to run into someone from camp :)..the holocaust museum was a very humbling experience and im so glad i got to go..its like one of those places you have to go to really understand it and get the full picture..in school in younger years the holocaust is one of the few things that interested me ..and now its like geez the world can be stupid at times..i still cant believe that ppl actually believe it didnt happen?! please tell how it is that 6 million ppl were killed and you think it didnt happen?? did entire families just disappear randomly? give me a break..so yes it happened the the museum was really good and held nothing back..lets see well after that day i considered the trip to be over because we were starting to head back to the nc and well it was just seriously just more endless hours on the road watching the trees go by..although ive never really noticed summer change into fall until now...driving and being in the mountains you can really see the colors change..the trees are all colors of red orange and yellow..its so pretty seeing them all..its like being able to take a step back and really appreciate nature for what it is..a lot of the parks we went to had bunches of deer ..they came out at night and in the early morning and walked around the campsites or along the road..we saw bunnies and a fox even at one of the campsites..i have learned that the KOA's are the best of camping..i thought i had died and gone to heaven when i got to take a shower when we went to the KOA..it was like a private shower with a door that locked..yep it was appreciating the small things in life to the fullest! we ended up camping at a different campground on the way back because of distances and not getting there until really late so we went to a different one and it turned out to be really nice..and we had enough extra money that we could afford to be there for the last couple days..and then we headed home for good yesterday..woke up at 6 and got the kids packed by 7 and we were heading home..we made it back a bit before 12 ..unloaded some stuff and then left again to go and out to lunch..they all behaved very well at the restaurant and enjoyed it a lot..we went to an exotic pet store and saw the shark and alligator and fish and bunnies and little hairless baby mice and birds and turtles and snakes...umm it was dinner time when we went and it was bit ugh sickening but captivating at the same time..although then it just went back to being sickening because it was well feeding time meant well just use your imagination when it comes to snakes..but still a bit cool..and then we had the fun task of doing laundry with 8 kids..we spent a lot of money lol..and the kids for the most part did very well on the trip..they were not happy to have to listen to Eldest on the drive but well i wanted to hear it and so did jim so we elected to listen to it anyway ! that was fun because after a while i was being bribed to talk to jim about not listening to it anymore and they are getting pretty interesting with there brides lol..not that i accepted any of them but it was fun..they all said they had a good time on the trip and well i burned a few picnic tables and then managed to melt the stoves into one of them..not my fault i didnt realize the pieces were sinking into the table! and then i go and try to get them out and its like ummm we have a problem..they took pictures!!!! its funny but a bit embarrassing..and then we ran into a fire ban in va and the stove spilled and so the picnic table was kinda burning and well uncool because of course right then the ranger comes by! and at the same moment one of our kids has a melt down..fun fun fun...but overall it was a fun trip..a lot of fun if you can get past all the camping and lack of outside stimulation...
and then we come back to camp and we are treated as if we dont know what we are doing..it was a little unsettling being questioned about some of our expenses and it was just weird..its like we have done this before..we had more trust and freedom last semester but we have done nothing that should have made us lose that trust..so i dont know whats going on in the office but i would appreciate if they get there acts together..i find it very interesting that one of my kids told me they dont like the program manager..and i didnt agree or disagree with her but its like well gee shes only known him for like what 2 months and she doesnt like him..i was not pleased this morning when we were stuck doing shift change for and hour and a half..i just came back from a ten day trip with no breaks and then im being forced to sit here and pretend to care when all i want to do is get home and check on dusti and my apartment and make sure everything is ok..and no..im forced to sit there and listen and it was a waste because i wasnt listening..i wasnt paying attention..my attention was all over the place..i was tired and cranky and not wanting to be there at all..and im only off for three days..thats it..and then its back to work and its hard to get to back in the swing of things...i feel so out of place right now..i had forgotten what it was like to be gone and then come back..i hate out hard it is to get back into the swing of things..its more than just being gone for a few days ..i was gone for a week and a half and without tv or news or anything just kids and camping and kids and camping and more kids and camping..that was my world and then coming home and having internet and finding out about the fires in cali and bank stuff and money stuff and all this other stuff that is still here waiting for me when i get back..doesnt matter that i was gone or not..its all just waiting and i cant manage to decompress from everything trip wise at all..ugh..dont know why everything is overwhelming me right now..maybe im just overly tired and a night of sleep will help..i hope so
Saturday, October 13, 2007
mindfulness...not
so what ive done the past three or so hours..
well the five hours before that i read two books i got from the library and really liked them!
but anyway five hours ago i.,,knowing i needed to pack i got distracted and
-checked my email
-posted on a message board
- channel surfed
-had a one person fashion show
-destroyed my closet pulling out stuff to pack ..and then left said stuff all over my room
-cooked dinner
-cleaned the kitchen and living room
-got dusti's stuff ready for the most part
-watched 3 eps of suv
-packed partially for the trip
-stared at nothing for a while
-talked to mommy
-rechecked my email lol
hmm guess thats about all .. talk about multitasking
well the five hours before that i read two books i got from the library and really liked them!
but anyway five hours ago i.,,knowing i needed to pack i got distracted and
-checked my email
-posted on a message board
- channel surfed
-had a one person fashion show
-destroyed my closet pulling out stuff to pack ..and then left said stuff all over my room
-cooked dinner
-cleaned the kitchen and living room
-got dusti's stuff ready for the most part
-watched 3 eps of suv
-packed partially for the trip
-stared at nothing for a while
-talked to mommy
-rechecked my email lol
hmm guess thats about all .. talk about multitasking
enlightenment of sorts
In the past week or so a lot has gone on. I have been really upset, sad, confused, lots of anxiety and stress, just a lot going on. I decided it would be better to just go away because my feelings are really hurt. I dont know the reasoning behind some of the things but I am worried about a friend and they are not returning my messages at all. I keep trying and keep being ignored it feels like. So now I am waiting and just hoping they are ok. good grief I lose track so very easily. hmm trying again to get my head to calm down and just focus on one thing at a time.
Today after my reappearance from a self imposed hiding bit, I have been thinking about well everything, worrying and stressing out about everything that i cant do anything to fix at all. Today of all days it is like a slap in the face when I realized that I dont fit in this world at all. I say that without being suicidal or even wanting to run away. For now I am feeling completely lucid if not incredibly sad. I dont know why it is I even came to that conclusion today but I did. I dont fit in and no matter how hard I try to, no matter how hard I try to fake it and pretend I dont think ill ever completely fit in. I cant pinpoint exactly what it is that makes me so different or unlikable. I have the huge urge to call myself bad or horrible or not good enough also, but then I guess I would have to turn it around and also say Im nice and caring and understanding. Im unerringly quiet, and isolated and I prefer to watch more than talk. When things are hard I watch the world continue and can never figure out a way to put myself out there and just let go. It did hurt my feelings a lot when one of the kids I worked with asked me how it is I managed to make it through life after we were talking about fantasy of some sort and I told her I believed in dragons and unicorns. I didnt bother to mention that believing in that was one of the things that got me through life. What she said was different than what I have been described as before, its not a secret that sometimes I can act a lot younger than I am, or that I still like getting stuffed animals, or watching cartoons. I still color in coloring books and I like having dessert before dinner. I have had kids tell me that I act younger than I am but that my real age still comes out when it has too, I have been told that I am the one bridging the gap between counselors and the kids because I am the one who will go to the playground and play for the fun of it. I have heard a lot of things about my behaviors some good some bad, and I want to say it doesnt matter but it does. I dont want to be seen as being different or odd or weird. I dont want to spend the rest of my life hiding or being afraid of the shadows. Yet for all everyone sees in me, I see nothing but fear and misunderstanding. I still do what im told, i do what is expected of me. I feel guilt over the little things and the big things. For how old I am I havent grown up, I have barely stepped into the world and I dont like what I see. I dont want it at all and so I dont accept it. I ignore a lot of what goes on around me and I prefer to stay as protected as I can in my own little world. In the world I choose to ignore my flaws are pointed out on a daily basis and I cant fight it. There will always be someone more deserving to take my place, someone who I am being compared to for my own good to show who I must be. I wont go as far to say I am an outcast because Im not. I have done the college scene, going out with friends, drinking, partying, having fun because I could, but there was always an emptiness I could never really put a finger on. Even then the people around me protected me in a way. They looked out for me because I was not used to any of that, I learned a little of protecting myself and staying out of trouble but not enough to brave the world alone. Then I found teachers in college who protected me, I found people who generally cared for me and I had no idea how to accept it and it still baffles me. Now I have the place I work, one of the safest places I have ever been, and there I am protected too. My coworker who I have now worked with for almost a full year protects me more than anyone I have ever met. He stands up for me and looks out for me, we spent a week partying in key west and everyone we met knew he came with me and that he wouldnt leave me stranded or alone for to long. and I mean a lot of people knew who we were by t he end of that week and it was one of the best weeks of my life that I can still remember. Is it written somewhere that I must be protected from the world? Is there something about me that says I cant handle the world or things in it? I wonder how long it will be before I really am forced to face everything without protection and what will happen then? I dont know or even understand how to have a relationship or make friends with someone I dont know. I dont know how to relax or be open or talk in general for reasons Im not sure Ill ever be able to understand. There are so many things I have never experienced or gotten to do because I had such a closed off childhood. Not that I remember it but I know mommy knew where I was at all times and if I wasnt with her then I was juts at home. Even know she knows my every move, if Im not at work then I am at home. Maybe there is something wrong with me, really wrong and it just hasnt been pointed out yet. Although with mommy Im sure she will find it eventually and tell me exactly what it is. But would life be easier if I wasnt so stuck in my fantasy world? If I didnt have darn good means of escaping when ever I wanted to or forgetting when things got to be to hard? It is really hard hearing people talk about being a child and things they did as children and I cant remember anything at all. The memory compartment in my brain is broken and everything is lost forever. There are some things I can remember but nothing is complete. I dont know how things got started or why, I remember some of the actions but never the whole story. I dont know what is true and what isnt true. I dont understand why it is I have such a great dislike for myself and thinking im horrible and bad but when asked I cant remember a real definite reason at all. I just know it is something Im supposed to think and so nothing will ever change my mind. It feels like I stick out like a sore thumb because I cant manage to fit in no matter how hard I try. Ill never fit in it seems. Yet, I have to take part in the world, even if it feels like I will disappear at any moment. I pretend and manage to get by with no real questions. Im quick to smile to hide hurt feelings, or ignore questions about how I am, because regardless of everything Im always ok. I always have to be ok and I dont care how close to the edge I manage to get no one world ever know. Why would anyone care? One of my biggest fears is being forgotten, yet im so easy to forget. There is nothing brilliant or special about me. So I know one day I really will disappear and it will be as if I was never there at all.
That is what I think.
That is what I feel.
That is what I see as being true.
Isnt it funny the things I can figure out given enough time. I dont know if I think it would be horribly bad to die alone or to die forgotten.
Today after my reappearance from a self imposed hiding bit, I have been thinking about well everything, worrying and stressing out about everything that i cant do anything to fix at all. Today of all days it is like a slap in the face when I realized that I dont fit in this world at all. I say that without being suicidal or even wanting to run away. For now I am feeling completely lucid if not incredibly sad. I dont know why it is I even came to that conclusion today but I did. I dont fit in and no matter how hard I try to, no matter how hard I try to fake it and pretend I dont think ill ever completely fit in. I cant pinpoint exactly what it is that makes me so different or unlikable. I have the huge urge to call myself bad or horrible or not good enough also, but then I guess I would have to turn it around and also say Im nice and caring and understanding. Im unerringly quiet, and isolated and I prefer to watch more than talk. When things are hard I watch the world continue and can never figure out a way to put myself out there and just let go. It did hurt my feelings a lot when one of the kids I worked with asked me how it is I managed to make it through life after we were talking about fantasy of some sort and I told her I believed in dragons and unicorns. I didnt bother to mention that believing in that was one of the things that got me through life. What she said was different than what I have been described as before, its not a secret that sometimes I can act a lot younger than I am, or that I still like getting stuffed animals, or watching cartoons. I still color in coloring books and I like having dessert before dinner. I have had kids tell me that I act younger than I am but that my real age still comes out when it has too, I have been told that I am the one bridging the gap between counselors and the kids because I am the one who will go to the playground and play for the fun of it. I have heard a lot of things about my behaviors some good some bad, and I want to say it doesnt matter but it does. I dont want to be seen as being different or odd or weird. I dont want to spend the rest of my life hiding or being afraid of the shadows. Yet for all everyone sees in me, I see nothing but fear and misunderstanding. I still do what im told, i do what is expected of me. I feel guilt over the little things and the big things. For how old I am I havent grown up, I have barely stepped into the world and I dont like what I see. I dont want it at all and so I dont accept it. I ignore a lot of what goes on around me and I prefer to stay as protected as I can in my own little world. In the world I choose to ignore my flaws are pointed out on a daily basis and I cant fight it. There will always be someone more deserving to take my place, someone who I am being compared to for my own good to show who I must be. I wont go as far to say I am an outcast because Im not. I have done the college scene, going out with friends, drinking, partying, having fun because I could, but there was always an emptiness I could never really put a finger on. Even then the people around me protected me in a way. They looked out for me because I was not used to any of that, I learned a little of protecting myself and staying out of trouble but not enough to brave the world alone. Then I found teachers in college who protected me, I found people who generally cared for me and I had no idea how to accept it and it still baffles me. Now I have the place I work, one of the safest places I have ever been, and there I am protected too. My coworker who I have now worked with for almost a full year protects me more than anyone I have ever met. He stands up for me and looks out for me, we spent a week partying in key west and everyone we met knew he came with me and that he wouldnt leave me stranded or alone for to long. and I mean a lot of people knew who we were by t he end of that week and it was one of the best weeks of my life that I can still remember. Is it written somewhere that I must be protected from the world? Is there something about me that says I cant handle the world or things in it? I wonder how long it will be before I really am forced to face everything without protection and what will happen then? I dont know or even understand how to have a relationship or make friends with someone I dont know. I dont know how to relax or be open or talk in general for reasons Im not sure Ill ever be able to understand. There are so many things I have never experienced or gotten to do because I had such a closed off childhood. Not that I remember it but I know mommy knew where I was at all times and if I wasnt with her then I was juts at home. Even know she knows my every move, if Im not at work then I am at home. Maybe there is something wrong with me, really wrong and it just hasnt been pointed out yet. Although with mommy Im sure she will find it eventually and tell me exactly what it is. But would life be easier if I wasnt so stuck in my fantasy world? If I didnt have darn good means of escaping when ever I wanted to or forgetting when things got to be to hard? It is really hard hearing people talk about being a child and things they did as children and I cant remember anything at all. The memory compartment in my brain is broken and everything is lost forever. There are some things I can remember but nothing is complete. I dont know how things got started or why, I remember some of the actions but never the whole story. I dont know what is true and what isnt true. I dont understand why it is I have such a great dislike for myself and thinking im horrible and bad but when asked I cant remember a real definite reason at all. I just know it is something Im supposed to think and so nothing will ever change my mind. It feels like I stick out like a sore thumb because I cant manage to fit in no matter how hard I try. Ill never fit in it seems. Yet, I have to take part in the world, even if it feels like I will disappear at any moment. I pretend and manage to get by with no real questions. Im quick to smile to hide hurt feelings, or ignore questions about how I am, because regardless of everything Im always ok. I always have to be ok and I dont care how close to the edge I manage to get no one world ever know. Why would anyone care? One of my biggest fears is being forgotten, yet im so easy to forget. There is nothing brilliant or special about me. So I know one day I really will disappear and it will be as if I was never there at all.
That is what I think.
That is what I feel.
That is what I see as being true.
Isnt it funny the things I can figure out given enough time. I dont know if I think it would be horribly bad to die alone or to die forgotten.
Friday, October 12, 2007
hmm
i have a really big headache right now..i want to go and lay down but i know if i go to sleep then ill just wake up feeling horrible so im trying to just stay awake but its so boring doing nothing..
i keep thinking..more like i keep having this little voice in my head telling me to break and admit i have a problem..a few problems..i was looking around facebook and ended up in the causes section and looked through them and of course i realized that suddenly there are a lot of causes/awareness things about s/i and ed's and everything that i work incredibly hard to ignore and i want to join them but im to ashamed to do more than just look at them and then forget i ever saw them..i worry what ppl would think of me if suddenly i was joining all of these things but not doing anything about it..im a fake..a horrible fake..tell me how can i go to work on sunday and realize i cant even really wear a tshirt because i have news above my elbow..a lot of scars and if someone took the time to look it wouldnt take much to read what some of them say..wasnt in a great mood when i did those and i also didnt think it would scar as badly as they did..and after that all the ones now on my wrist and arm and ugh i hate myself ... i have no self control and i suck because ive promised more than once to stop and i have yet to follow through with that..i stopped for a while but now its likke nope never happened..
something i hadnt thought of before though..if i do happen to go to the doc for whatever reason would they really make me go to a therapist if i have scars or would be just if i had new scars ? i dont know but now im worried..not that i have any interest in ever going to the doc..dont know
i keep thinking..more like i keep having this little voice in my head telling me to break and admit i have a problem..a few problems..i was looking around facebook and ended up in the causes section and looked through them and of course i realized that suddenly there are a lot of causes/awareness things about s/i and ed's and everything that i work incredibly hard to ignore and i want to join them but im to ashamed to do more than just look at them and then forget i ever saw them..i worry what ppl would think of me if suddenly i was joining all of these things but not doing anything about it..im a fake..a horrible fake..tell me how can i go to work on sunday and realize i cant even really wear a tshirt because i have news above my elbow..a lot of scars and if someone took the time to look it wouldnt take much to read what some of them say..wasnt in a great mood when i did those and i also didnt think it would scar as badly as they did..and after that all the ones now on my wrist and arm and ugh i hate myself ... i have no self control and i suck because ive promised more than once to stop and i have yet to follow through with that..i stopped for a while but now its likke nope never happened..
something i hadnt thought of before though..if i do happen to go to the doc for whatever reason would they really make me go to a therapist if i have scars or would be just if i had new scars ? i dont know but now im worried..not that i have any interest in ever going to the doc..dont know
Thursday, October 11, 2007
backwards
how long has it been since i really cut? i dont remember the last time it hurt this much..i should feel bad that ive ruined my wrist again..and my leg and my arm..i should feel bad that i didnt stop sooner or that i just watched them all and wondered if it would really hurt to die..but eventually i stopped again and now im just here..doing nothing..doing everything..trying to figure everything out and how everything will work out..feeling stupid for being so upset over something as small as not having internet anymore for a while..stupid me for spending money on other things..never doing anything but going to work and going home..nothing but i still get yelled at for spending money..i cant spend what i dont have..ok fine yes i do sometimes go to the store and actually buy food..and sometimes i dont..and so yep i actually get paid tomorrow..and lucky me im not even getting enough to cover the two bills i have to pay..talk about fun..somehow ive gotten so many bills racked up and im not making enough to do anything but try to not let things be over due..and yet i never manage to do it right and have to ask mommy about borrowing money..sometimes i have to pay her back sometimes i dont..sometimes i get promises that she will pay me back and sometimes she does sometimes she doesnt...but i hate borrowing money because then i never hear the end of it..because there is always something and somehow its just never right or good enough..but no big deal ..no one cares about my stupid repetitive rant about nothing..i need a longer wrist band..im considering not going home for thanksgiving..im considering moving someplace where no one knows me..i want to go back to key west..i dont know what i want..but i figure if i run long enough ill just end up lost somewhere...everything is sucking right now
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
work rant yet again
is it wrong to not like one of my kids?? i dont like ppl who brag and she seems so fake and selfish and ugh i dont know..i dont like her i really dont and i hate being around her..and the way she goes through the boys in the group makes me want to call her some really uncool names because she does it and she knows she is playing on everyones emotions and she enjoys it..more than once her behaviors have been laid out for her and she doesnt get it and i dont know how we can spell it out any clearer for her..i dont want to seem petty or stupid for this but i didnt really realize it until the other day..i knew there were issues there which i try hard to get over since i have to but now with all the other stuff going on with her i dont trust her..i dont want to be around her because she puts her bad mood off on others..she woke up in a bad mood this morning and i had to all but ignore her because she was bothering me...all the other girls in the group i like, even when they annoy me..even when i have to repeat myself a million times..i still have a measure of like for them..i enjoy talking to them or being around them and i dont feel like that with this particular girl..i dont know how to fix it..im not sure i want too..i want to see her through the semester and i want her to go and never come back..and that makes me feel guilty too..i dont like the way she refuses to get along with other ppl..i dont like how she goes running to certain ppl and ignore others..i hate that sometimes it seems like everyone is beneath her..the im a princess tirades are getting old really fast..
well thats one rant down about a million to go...
im really proud of one of our returning students..one of the girls in my group..i think ive told her a lot this past week how much she has grown up in the past few months..she is like a different person this time around and im so amazed at how well she is doing.. i think she will make it after she leaves this program ..if she even leaves..her parents pay a lot to send her here and she has been here almost none stop for a year in jan..but it is helping her..program going down the drain or not she is being helped and learning and i can tell..it was so shocking when i was talking it over with jim and realized that some of her behaviors are just about gone..the ones we had to correct her on so much in the first semester are not even an issue this time around..its shocking but humbling too in a way..its like holy cow ive helped her..ive really helped her and now i want to see her finish growing up..i want to see her graduate from school and go to college or whatever it is she has in her head to do after high school..
oh and it gets even better on the work front...we are getting a new kid!! this far into the freakin semester and we are leaving on sunday for dc and we are getting a new kid..i cant believe them..i really really cant and its going to be us that gets to deal with starting over with the entire group..because we are leaving and its not even like we can keep him at camp and let him learn how everything works..no we arent that lucky and i know he is only getting to stay so fast because his parents are willing to shell out the money to send him here..and it sucks that for some reasons the wonderful boss ppl havent taken into account what it is going to do to the group that is already set and just learning to work together to get a new kid..after losing a kid..its not going to as much fun in dc now because we already know the kids we can send off by themselves in publc and stuff when we go out..but we dont know him..he will have to stay with us all the time..no break .. ugh
well thats one rant down about a million to go...
im really proud of one of our returning students..one of the girls in my group..i think ive told her a lot this past week how much she has grown up in the past few months..she is like a different person this time around and im so amazed at how well she is doing.. i think she will make it after she leaves this program ..if she even leaves..her parents pay a lot to send her here and she has been here almost none stop for a year in jan..but it is helping her..program going down the drain or not she is being helped and learning and i can tell..it was so shocking when i was talking it over with jim and realized that some of her behaviors are just about gone..the ones we had to correct her on so much in the first semester are not even an issue this time around..its shocking but humbling too in a way..its like holy cow ive helped her..ive really helped her and now i want to see her finish growing up..i want to see her graduate from school and go to college or whatever it is she has in her head to do after high school..
oh and it gets even better on the work front...we are getting a new kid!! this far into the freakin semester and we are leaving on sunday for dc and we are getting a new kid..i cant believe them..i really really cant and its going to be us that gets to deal with starting over with the entire group..because we are leaving and its not even like we can keep him at camp and let him learn how everything works..no we arent that lucky and i know he is only getting to stay so fast because his parents are willing to shell out the money to send him here..and it sucks that for some reasons the wonderful boss ppl havent taken into account what it is going to do to the group that is already set and just learning to work together to get a new kid..after losing a kid..its not going to as much fun in dc now because we already know the kids we can send off by themselves in publc and stuff when we go out..but we dont know him..he will have to stay with us all the time..no break .. ugh
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
stupid
i feel
i feel
i feel
i feel
i dont know how i feel..i feel like jumping off a building or walking into the middle of traffic..i dont know..i cant figure it out right now..i have such a headache..i want to go home and i cant..i always when anyone asks how i feel..like i know..although ive been able to pinpoint it more in the past year or so i dont want to know how i feel..i dont want to know anything really..id rather just keep everyone else happy so they will leave me alone and not really question anything..isnt it funny how utterly alone one simple little thing can make you feel? i would really like to be clued in on why it is i cant remember half of my life..considering my age its prolly more than half but suddenly today looking through some old things i realize ive 'forgotten' a heck of a lot of stuff..its not fair that i cant remember my life..i was there so i should remember..its my stupid life and yet im never really sure what is true and what isnt..or something that happened vs something that didnt..sometimes its like a light bulb goes off and suddenly i do know something and sometimes its just like walking around in the dark waiting for a clue that someone can give me..well its not like theres anyone to talk about my childhood with..it would seem stupid to just say i forgot everything that i did as a kid..how is it that i find all this stuff that i never remember writing ? or making or doing? where does it all come from..it has my name it and dates and i guess i had to have written it but it doesnt ring any bells..nothing happened when i say them all except confusion and a million questions im not sure ill ever be able to answer...it really sucks and ever sense my enlightening moment earlier all i want to do is go home and just forget about it..except now its like theres a spotlight on the gaping holes in my memory...i try to make myself remember and get nothing at all..i wonder if its possible to never really get them back if they are completely gone..i hate this..i dont want to talk to anyone..i dont want to be around the loudness that is my group..i dont want to do anything right now..
and to make things better..mommy mentioned today about going out of town for thanksgiving..i dont want to go and i could really just kick myself for being stupid enough to tell her that i didnt have to work over thanksgiving..i want to work now..except if i did then it would be like two weeks straight and that would suck but i dont wnat to travel..i cant deal with being in the car for that long anymore with her..all the questions i dont want to answer and accusations of things ive never done..
i hate my life
i feel
i feel
i feel
i dont know how i feel..i feel like jumping off a building or walking into the middle of traffic..i dont know..i cant figure it out right now..i have such a headache..i want to go home and i cant..i always when anyone asks how i feel..like i know..although ive been able to pinpoint it more in the past year or so i dont want to know how i feel..i dont want to know anything really..id rather just keep everyone else happy so they will leave me alone and not really question anything..isnt it funny how utterly alone one simple little thing can make you feel? i would really like to be clued in on why it is i cant remember half of my life..considering my age its prolly more than half but suddenly today looking through some old things i realize ive 'forgotten' a heck of a lot of stuff..its not fair that i cant remember my life..i was there so i should remember..its my stupid life and yet im never really sure what is true and what isnt..or something that happened vs something that didnt..sometimes its like a light bulb goes off and suddenly i do know something and sometimes its just like walking around in the dark waiting for a clue that someone can give me..well its not like theres anyone to talk about my childhood with..it would seem stupid to just say i forgot everything that i did as a kid..how is it that i find all this stuff that i never remember writing ? or making or doing? where does it all come from..it has my name it and dates and i guess i had to have written it but it doesnt ring any bells..nothing happened when i say them all except confusion and a million questions im not sure ill ever be able to answer...it really sucks and ever sense my enlightening moment earlier all i want to do is go home and just forget about it..except now its like theres a spotlight on the gaping holes in my memory...i try to make myself remember and get nothing at all..i wonder if its possible to never really get them back if they are completely gone..i hate this..i dont want to talk to anyone..i dont want to be around the loudness that is my group..i dont want to do anything right now..
and to make things better..mommy mentioned today about going out of town for thanksgiving..i dont want to go and i could really just kick myself for being stupid enough to tell her that i didnt have to work over thanksgiving..i want to work now..except if i did then it would be like two weeks straight and that would suck but i dont wnat to travel..i cant deal with being in the car for that long anymore with her..all the questions i dont want to answer and accusations of things ive never done..
i hate my life
Saturday, October 06, 2007
im not feeling very thrilled to be at work right now..my feelings are hurt and im not even sure i can explain why that is..i hate being compared to other people..i hate it and its happened for as long as i can remember...it means im not good enough like i cam..it means there is always someone that is better than i am and its not fair..i hate that i do what im supposed to and i do my job and its the kids that are being stupid and selfish..they constantly compare what im doing vs what melissa lets them do..im not melissa and i dont work like melissa does and i dont want to be melissa at all..and yet they keep doing it and it hurts but i keep pretending that it doesnt..i keep pretending it doesnt bother me when they constantly say that they prefer to have melissa..its like well to bad you are stuck with me and what exactly is it about me that is so unlikable?? i wonder what it is that i do that makes it seem like i just have to be compared to someone else because i wont let them have there way...im not here to make sure they get to do the things they want to do im not..i dont get paid to make them happy like that..if they wanted to have there way then they can go home for all i care and right now i dont know if i even care at all..im tired of all of her little games and it annoys me..i know what my boundaries are with the kids and melissa just lets them do all this stuff like borrow her clothes and use her things..she lets them have there way and i cant do that...i may not be loud but i dont enjoy getting yelled at by the bosses for doing something wrong..and yet im still the one who isnt good enough..no im not a girly girl ..i hate wearing makeup..i hate dressing up..i like jeans and tshirts and things that are to big for me..that is how i work and thats how i like it..i refuse to change just so that a stuckup 13yr old will like me..im not sure i want that kind of like...i work with her and if a relationship cant form then to bad i guess..i know im not really doing anything wrong because the other kids i have no problems with..but yet it feels like there is just one kid who is intent on making things hard and then it is our fault..i dont get it..no im not that talkative but i do like to have fun and laugh and that just doesnt work with one of the kids..i hate that she is constantly calling us crazy or weird or freaks..im in a bad bad mood...
Friday, October 05, 2007
sad
no it doesnt upset me this time when i start thinking of things from the past..it just makes me sad..like something was taken away and i cant get it back anymore..maybe its just my mood has been kind of mellow lately i dont know..finding out i have to go to church is starting to set me off a bit.. i have no faith in religion at all, i have a hard time believing in a god that has done nothing for me. i followed the rules as a kid and still i stayed in trouble..a lot of trouble for things i could swear i never did, sometimes for things i never remembered doing or things i just had no idea about but got the blame anyway. kinda tiring after a while always having to defend my innocence for a crime i had no part in. it is easier to accept the blame right or wrong, get in trouble, hear about it for a month, think it goes away and then when im in trouble again she will bring it back up..there is always something to be yelled at about..past or present its always there .. for as much as i cant remember i know i was always in trouble..i went to a private school for a while as a kid..church every sunday at my school..church every day at school, morning and afternoon i think for prayers and stuff..i dont think i ever liked it but im not sure..i went because i was supposed to, thats all..im guessing time passed because i do remember being baptised but i dont know why i was..i just remember having to change into a white dress thing and there were a lot of us and we left and came back one by one..i think a lot of ppl were there ..dont remember..we moved and suddenly we had a church right down the road..we could walk to much and mommy made us go..she hardly ever went but she made us go..sometimes we tried to get out of it by being really quiet in the morning and not getting out of bed..if it worked and we werent called before 10 we could get out of going to church..more often than not that didnt go...i never asked to go out with friends or anything so when it was threatened that we couldnt do anything for the rest of the day if we didnt go to church it didnt bother me any..cant miss something i never did..but when she did go to church with us we learned fast not to sit anywhere near her..kids get a bit restless in church because it can get boring after a while but talking or doing anything near her earned a pinch that bruised and hurt like hell..and if you got more than two evil looks you might as well just give up and know your in trouble once church is over..dont get caught passing notes either..never really listened to what was going on..to busy trying to stay out of trouble..im guessing i was out of high school before i had any say in whether i had to go to church or not..but i didnt go in college until catrina started taking me..after mommy found out about my cutting and decided i needed to be saved i guess..she has no idea how much i need to be saved from myself..so i went with her for a couple years and liked the fact that they had a lady pastor..sometimes i could focus enough to listen and pay attention but when ever i did that i just questioned why it was everyone was so intent to believe and i couldnt...and it just made me anxious..lasted a little while but eventually i stopped going with her too..but then mommy got into the habit of asking if i went and i lied for a couple years about going although i never did..also swore id stopped cutting and hadnt accomplished that either..for the fact that i cant lie to save my life im still a liar..no interest in going to church at all and now i have to go with a bunch of kids who cant sit still..i know ill be working and having to pay attention that they are not doing anything they shouldnt be doing...but still im nervous and on edge about it..isnt it pathetic i guess that something as little as not being able to find a way out of going to church makes me so scared..guess its cas i was never given an option before...i still hate that all the times..all the nights spent praying for anything to take us away no one ever did..no one ever came to help..whats a kid supposed to think? did everything every stupid thing and still managed to get hurt...yea life is really fair
Thursday, October 04, 2007
ramble about nothing
today got off on a good start..i had one of my rare im ok days and decided to go to the library and the bank and out for lunch since i had a gift card...i put the last of my money in the bank and im completely out of options until im paid again and even then it will be like going to bills...i would like to pull a little bit out so i can have some cash on the dc trip..but if its not possible its not possible..and i really wanted something from the zoo this time..im saving the target gift card i got until closer to the trip because i want to use it to buy batteries for my camera..but will see..i may have to give in and just buy some food..but im trying hard not to just snack all day and not eat like a real meal..but then i just get bored and there is nothing to eat ..well more like i just want to eat because there is nothing else to do..so maybe it is good i have no junk food...all day ive been thinking of if i want to use what little extra i have to go and buy dinner tomorrow and i cant decide..ill prolly just wake up tomorrow morning and force myself to go to the store because for some reason i can bring myself to eat oatmeal..i have some but i look at the packages and have no interest at all in eating any of them...i had oatmeal for the first time last semester and that was only because it was down to eat it or starve for the day...i choked down the sweetest one possible and still had to give most of it away...it only took 23 years for me to decide oatmeal was edible but now of course ill only eat one or two flavors and it has to be a life or death situation..for some reason that i dont get i cant do oatmeal..and no idea why it is suddenly so important tonight but it is...so maybe i will..i refuse to tell mommy i could use some extra money..all i hear now is how much she gives me and its like well gee all of my money goes to bills and some i didnt even make! but get the fun chance to pay off...i cant believe i was dumb enough to give her the cards that were in my name..stupid..i never ever want another credit card for as long as i live..i hate debt from school and my car..i hate that my car needs to be fixed and i cant afford it..i hate that i need to go to therapy and i cant afford that either..but dusti is taken care of ! how sad is that..im so happy i got her extra food and stuff when i had extra money..score one for me..but as for all the other stuff its just stressing me out...i really hate that it feels like i was almost lied to about my raise that i didnt get ..ugh..but since it was nicely pointed out that it wouldnt be a good idea to quit without another job lined up i feel better...im trying not to feel guilty and i am waiting but still looking kinda..im not seriously looking until nov/dec though ...so now im just doing my usual thing and going back and forth between if i want to stay or go..because sometimes im positive im going and then my kids do something incredibly nice and its like yep im staying..but then that same day something else will happen with admin and its like nope im leaving..good grief how do i manage to hold a job!! i do i make anyone believe im actually doing a job is a better question because it always feels like im just a step away from going crazy..i dont know how i do it..maybe it only matters that everyone thinks im ok ...yep maybe thats it once again..im depressing myself..
dusti has been funny today..first off one of the only times she peacefully can lay still and let me pet her is when im wandering around in a towel after a shower..i think she just likes the material of the towel but she will stretch her long little body right across my chest and prolly stay there if i never moved her! a bit earlier tonight she was sleeping right next to me and suddenly i have little cat feet poking me in the side lol..she actually stayed that way for a while even with me fidgeting a bit..and its always funny when she is using her head to hit my heads so i keep petting her..
but as usual its 10 and im starting to tired out..seriously its like my off switch is pushed at around 10 and i just get sleepy and tired and nothing can make me think or do anything but go to bed and sleep..every night when im off its the same thing..bed by 11 up by 10..its creepy ive been sleeping later in the morning..i was surprised when i actually slept until 10..i never sleep that late!! weird sleeping patterns these days
dusti has been funny today..first off one of the only times she peacefully can lay still and let me pet her is when im wandering around in a towel after a shower..i think she just likes the material of the towel but she will stretch her long little body right across my chest and prolly stay there if i never moved her! a bit earlier tonight she was sleeping right next to me and suddenly i have little cat feet poking me in the side lol..she actually stayed that way for a while even with me fidgeting a bit..and its always funny when she is using her head to hit my heads so i keep petting her..
but as usual its 10 and im starting to tired out..seriously its like my off switch is pushed at around 10 and i just get sleepy and tired and nothing can make me think or do anything but go to bed and sleep..every night when im off its the same thing..bed by 11 up by 10..its creepy ive been sleeping later in the morning..i was surprised when i actually slept until 10..i never sleep that late!! weird sleeping patterns these days
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
tired
im tired today..well right now...i sleept this afternoon some..came home and just zoinked out for a few hours..so ofcourse i didnt pick up when mommy called like a million times..when i did call her back i got the usual where were you drill like i do anything but go to work and go home...its so stupid but its the same old thing..eventually woke up feeling sick and and watched a couple movies..chatted with a friend and now im waiting for antm to come on..i watched quest for camelot and have decided i would really like to become a knight..and of course i ended up chatting about that for like 2 hours with someone and she said she would become a knight with me and we talked about saving nations and then joining the order of the phoenix and having wands and dress robes and all this stuff that would make no sense to almost anyone else..and yet we talked for a couple hours about all of it and it was fun..she didnt tell me to act my age or grow up or anything dumb like that..im not sure what im going to do with my time off but i doubt it will be anything interesting..mostly staying at home..sleeping..figuring out money that i dont have to stress myself out more..
life is grand
driving home earlier was really weird..i started to get a headache before i left and when i did leave i was fine..but driving home it took a little bit for me to figure out i want really paying attention..i was driving without focusing on anything..my head just felt really foggy like i was in this haze that wouldnt lift...it lasted for about 15minutes or so..and then things were back to normal..it was weird
life is grand
driving home earlier was really weird..i started to get a headache before i left and when i did leave i was fine..but driving home it took a little bit for me to figure out i want really paying attention..i was driving without focusing on anything..my head just felt really foggy like i was in this haze that wouldnt lift...it lasted for about 15minutes or so..and then things were back to normal..it was weird
Monday, October 01, 2007
blah
i cant believe work is turning into a hassle right now..and it is more office based stuff ..like one person quit and just didnt show up over the weekend which meant that the other group was short staffed and they were supposed to be leaving for dc on sunday..well they couldnt leave and they left after lunch today but now there whole trip is off...and the manager had to go with them to fill in..the other group is short staffed for an entire shift..im worried they are going to start pulling the counselors from my group and moving us into the other group to help make up staff...but with two ppl gone or leaving it is haard on that group..that is one of the reason i wont just leave in the middle of the semester..i want to see these kids go home..good or bad i want to see it..and then of course there are van issues and renting a van and its like there is no way im taking a short bus to dc ..heck no not gonna happen..we had to take one to fla last semester and the kids spent more than one day in a broken down bus and at the mechanics it was not fun after the first time it happened..and that was a two week trip...i talked with jim today when i was more awake and not as annoyed with the time..but its like..i will be just so surprised if anyone stays in the end..i really would be..enough is not being done to insure that ppl stay..we are treated like we can just pick up all the slack and thats not fair..but more than just that too..hmm it seems like all i do lately is complain..i dont mean to but i dont really talk and this is the only place..well our journals are the only 'safe' place to vent...oh and to make it better the parents of our kids are not happy there kids havent been taken to church..well most of the kids dont want to go and one or two do..well if one goes they all go..and im not a fan of church at all and have no desire to go or take them but it is becoming an issue and so we have to do it..none of them have church clothes and i would have rather dropped dead on the spot growing up before i ever went to church in jeans..its just not something that was taught that was ok in the slightest..i dont care how liberal your church is..i cant go in jeans..i would rather not go..no im not going to dress up but i just cant do it..and we will be working on sunday and so we have to do the church run..ugh...its not fair..why should i have to be forced to go to church when i dont really believe any of it...im guessing it will be more of a watching them and making sure they are behaving but i dont know...it doesnt make me comfortable at all ...
but on to other news..im actually considering all the mental health place on wed at some time and just see what the process is to go there...my insurance doesnt cover it that i know...but i cant afford to pay out of pocket either..so i dont know if it will go anywhere..but ill call and see..ive been thinking about it and if i want to be logical about it...i wouldnt be comfortable changing jobs without having someone to point out all of my stupid illogical reasons for not doing it..i really need to have a person who will tell me when im being unreasonable but still have my best interest at heart...so ill try..and if i cant do it then i cant and ill have to figure out something else..
we were told we get to plan what we are going to do in dc for our trip in a couple weeks..we are making some stops in va too but for the dc part we are told we are getting money and that is it..no real plan for our four days there..so jim and i are just trying to remember what other places we wanted to visit last time and didnt get the chance too..we are definitely going back to the zoo and touring the white house ..for that is only a couple days worth of things..we still have two free days to do whatever we like..and we have agreed to go to the Smithsonian and the holocaust museum..
guess i better go back and rejoin my group now..
but on to other news..im actually considering all the mental health place on wed at some time and just see what the process is to go there...my insurance doesnt cover it that i know...but i cant afford to pay out of pocket either..so i dont know if it will go anywhere..but ill call and see..ive been thinking about it and if i want to be logical about it...i wouldnt be comfortable changing jobs without having someone to point out all of my stupid illogical reasons for not doing it..i really need to have a person who will tell me when im being unreasonable but still have my best interest at heart...so ill try..and if i cant do it then i cant and ill have to figure out something else..
we were told we get to plan what we are going to do in dc for our trip in a couple weeks..we are making some stops in va too but for the dc part we are told we are getting money and that is it..no real plan for our four days there..so jim and i are just trying to remember what other places we wanted to visit last time and didnt get the chance too..we are definitely going back to the zoo and touring the white house ..for that is only a couple days worth of things..we still have two free days to do whatever we like..and we have agreed to go to the Smithsonian and the holocaust museum..
guess i better go back and rejoin my group now..
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