There is so much to say and just no time to write it all out.

things are changing

i have been approved for an apartment...we are moving tomorrow..literally...it is taking everything i have but we will be out of the hotel...everything else will just have to work out somehow...but i will actually have an address and my own place again...

its been 7 months of back and forth and looking and trying and all sorts of things...but i go full time at my job next week..and we will have an apartment again...

hopefully we will be able to get all of my stuff out of storage by the end of the month..and i will be in a safe place..my own place again..with a roommate but well if we can stay in a single hotel room together..i think that living together will be ok..

its just that so much is changing all at the same time and im afraid that with the overwhelming feelings that i will start to go backwards again...looking for comfort in something..i am nervous about all the changes and afraid at the same time that i am losing the support that i am just beginning to accept...no more seeing liz...anita will possibly  go to every other week..and im not sure how helpful that will really be...i dont know..im just afraid that all of it will be pulled out  from under me...that so many things are happening..that something will happen...im just afraid i guess..

to much in my head

im feeling really frustrated and annoyed and trapped right now..and i have been feeling like this since yesterday and im feeling angry...because tramaine isnt listening to me and im trying to understand her side of things and where she is coming from..but at the same time im trying to get her to see that i cant make money appear out of thin air...and that what i do with my money really isnt her concern either...but all the same ..i went and applied for the apartment yesterday...and the same stress of not having the money to move in is still there...it hasnt changed..but she isnt hearing me on that...she is pushing for the apartment and its like...ok fine ill go apply but im not getting my hopes up until i know for sure..and even knowing for sure isnt going to be much help if i dont have the money to pay for it...and so the stress of the situation is just getting to me and im angry because i tried my hardest to explain that my check isnt going to be a lot..and that i have some things that i need to get paid out of this check...and she just keeps pushing past what i am saying...because she doesnt want to split up...and im just left feeling very trapped and upset...you know if things work out..great...but i cant stop worrying when i dont know if ill have the money...what am i going to do if i do end up with the money and then we have an apartment that has no food and we cant get stuff out of storage or even have a definite plan for getting the lights and what not turned on...and so yes i am scared...very very freaking scared and she is not understanding that...i want to be positive and optimist but right now it just feels like things are going to fall apart all over again...

i saw courtney yesterday and she upped my anixety med a little...ill have to see how that goes..she asked me to try it for a week and let her know...so ill do it today..but talked to her for a bit and then went to therapy and talked about the housing issue of course beacuse that is my main concern right now...and i did what i said i would do and i just feel so ignored..but then i explained my work schedule and im angry because i dont fit into her schedule anymore..i wont fit into liz's schedule either anymore..and ill be just left all alone again...and without the extra support...again im trying to wait and see if jane calls me with an appointment...but im scared nothing will be available for me..nothing at all..

my thoughts are being consumed again with wanting to cut..or burn or whatever..something...anything..everything is getting to me and im losing the ability to say what is wrong ...and that the little bit of support that i was starting to get again will go away...and im afraid of what will happen...or what i will do...

not eating...

sadly...last night and today i am feeling incredibly hungry...the problem with that is i dont want to eat because i dont have the food ... sad life i live...i feel like im starving and right now i would give anything to be able to get something to eat without being consumed by guilt ..because i need to keep money for other things..and food shouldnt be high on the list...like i need cat food...and ive been thinking and trying my hardest to figure out how i can make 10 dollars stretch to get cat food/litter and maybe something to eat..but every time i try to work it out..im out of money before there is any way for me to get anything...and i guess that is making me feel really down today...i will most likely go over to the lobby and at least make some toast or something and get some juice..and then i have to get up and get ready for my appointments...or i can just lay down until i have to go to my appointment and not go and eat anything...i dont know..this really isnt something that i feel like i need to argue with myself so much on..but i am...i do and it is frustrating..and sad...you know over the weekend when i was at sarahs and actually got to eat..like real food..i was feeling so darn guilty...because i was hungry and i shouldnt be going to someone elses house and eating their food..and i tried not to be a pig and constantly eat..or whatever..and that makes me ashamed of myself...i guess  a lot lately is making me feel ashamed of myself...so no i most likely wont eat anything..and ill go to the store and maybe be able to find something to eat that isnt expensive.. even at work i try hard to make myself refuse food because i dont want anyone to think i eat to much or something..even though not eating makes me tired..and this is depressing enough that now i truly am trying hard not to cry..

the other thing that is a slight issue is that some how i am getting sick in the mornings ..i dont have anything to throw up..but literally brushing my teeth is what triggers it..and it scares me because it has been leaving me feeling sick and inadvertently throwing up for like 10 mins or something..and then i panic and that makes it worse..because being sick and having nothing to throw up.hurts like crazy...i dont know why its started happening again...

yeah..depressing life 101..i should write a book

sleepy

uh im tired...  back to work today though..did i mention im tired ..essh

nothing

i dont know how im feeling right now...up and down..anxious..tired..my head wears me out...i cant figure out what it is that is getting at me...i dont know...im upset and i dont know why.. maybe im not upset..maybe im just feeling sad and out of sorts because i dont know how to deal with what i am feeling...im gonna go and lay down...

---

thinking
thinking
thinking
thinking
thinking


thats all

something is making me sad...

there is something that is making me sad currently and im not sure that i know how to describe it or even put it into words...its like emotionally im no where near being the adult person that i am supposed to be...and by not being able to be an adult emotionally..then i cant handle a lot of situations..or maybe it is that i dont understand some situations and so then i dont know how to deal with them...and i think that is why with some older women..my boundaries are lacking severely and i attach to them and i want them to want me..and i promise to be good and not be a bother or get into trouble...for my actual age..i know that acting/believing that is not correct...but i dont know how to stop it...i have been noticing it a little bit the past few days ...nothing like major..but just little needs for approval..the constant need for comfort ..feeling incredibly clingy and willing to do whatever is needed to have my needs met...and my needs may be totally innocent in nature..but because of my past..i know that there is just more to it than that...once i am in good girl phase i know something else is going on...im overwhelmed i guess...im trying to be good..but i still need that validation..i need something...and im not getting it..and im not really sure how to get it...maybe it really is just a control issue..which will be getting explored a little bit over the weekend..and that scares me and confuses me and excites me all at the same time...why do i feel such a need to not have control but at the same time fight so hard to keep control??

today i am struggling ...

i just woke up feeling stressed today...and the longer i have been awake the more stressed i am feeling..i dont know what to do but the stress is starting to wear me down a lot and im beginning to feeling incredibly hopeless and upset and stuck with things..and maybe that is why i am feeling so trapped and upset all of the time..its because that no matter i do i am still stuck here and there is nothing that seems to be willing to truly work out and it frustrates me..im sick of looking for apartments and houses..i cant afford to be in the hotel but i cant afford to be any where else either..and that is what is frustrating me...i dont want to agree to go over and live in whitcomb when i kow that is an area that i am not comfortable with..the areas i am comfortable in wont accept my applications ..well wont approve my applications and i am getting worn out from all of this..i spend all of my time worrying and stressing and this week im not even really working and so im already worried about my next check and what i will be able to do or not do with it..there is at least $500 that i need for something ..well for two things and im very worried that i wont have the money i need for the hotel..and ive been thinking about having to move back to a hotel over by the airport because they are cheaper..and the whole situation just makes me want to cry..and i dont want to cry which means that what i want is to hurt myself in some way....and food isnt the way to do it because that is already an issue...it will be something else..and then i will just feel even stupider for not being able to keep myself safe enough now...i keep thinking that i will just go and take all of my meds...i wanted to take extra klonipin last night because i just couldnt sleep but i didnt ...but waking up today and just having to think and plan and try to figure things out has me feeling hopeless and tired of trying...and i dont know what to do anymore..i dont know how to be strong anymore for myself or anyone else...and im truly trying my hardest not to cry right now..because well im supposed to be the strong one for tramaine even..and im supposed to be the one with a plan and the one who knows what to do..and i dont..im just some lost person with no idea what is going on and i dont like that at all...i realize now that the one thing i havent talked about with the new therapist is what exactly my plan is supposed to be when i feel like killing myself ... i dont think i trust her enough to be willing to call her..but right now im not really sure who i can call or talk to or anything of that matter..all i want to do is cut really...some great example im setting..when i cant even keep myself safe ...and its not even trying to keep myself safe from anyone else..its me having to keep myself safe from me..and that is a fight that i lose on a pretty regular basis...and i had been trying ...i was trying hard..i was doing everything that i was supposed to do and still im stuck in this situation with no clear way out and now its like fine..someone has to be punished ..someone has to be hurt..because talking is not an option anymore...talking doesnt do anything..it doesnt help...and im just angry..very very angry and i dont know what to do with it ...and so it all just comes back to me being worthless and a screw up and wondering how in the world things have again gotten to this point and i dont know what to do about it...im done trying..i just want to give up..how is it possible to work and be homeless at the same time..how is it that i can go to work and never mention just how much i am struggling outside of work...no one wants to hear that...no one cares..i show up...i do my job and that is all that matters...and then i am left alone with my thoughts..and there is no escape from them..there is nothing left to try for when every single thing has just not worked out...how many times do i have to fail before i can give up??

stability

i think stability is very important to me...like i need for things to be a certain way..i need to know what to expect..what is going to happen..and when things are not like that then i start to spiral ....and i say that because even though right now things are still very difficult..and confusing..little things are beginning to become more stable...like i have a job..im taking my meds..im going to therapy...and my mind is losing some of its negativity...im not constantlly feeling like i am needing to die...i am still feeling the urge to hurt and all of that..and i thnk that right now im struggling with eating on a regular basis...ive begun using ice again as a meal replacement ... like during the week i am going at least 24 hours every other day i guess without eating..and then im starving and want to eat everything...not good..but in my mind it is the lesser of two evils...it makes me angry that i am feeling almost ok...or at least more manageable...and its just that i start thinking im ok and then i start messing up..and end up not being able to stay ok...self sabatage at its greatest..blah

but i guess i can try to make sense of what is going on..im working and am in the process of accepting the full time position..for a job that is very tiring and stressful...but a job i can almost like ... if i get the full time position then i will be able to have benefits...which i really do need...maybe ill be able to get my meds cheaper or something...

still living at the hotel and that is stressful by itsself..and my roommate is beginning to bring guys over and that makes me really uncomfortable..but am still in the hotel...trying to find housing and what not .. but the only place willing to even give me half a chance is going to charge me double the security deposit plus a months rent to move in...and im looking at that almost $1500 and it is making me crazy...and i really really wish i was able to live in a place where i felt safer ... but i guess that is not in the works for me...and that makes me sad and very very anxious...but i have to fill out the application ..since getting out of the hotel is important...i just dont know what to do...mommy mentioned seeing if she could help maybe but i dont want her to do that either...i dont know..i just hate not having a place to live..a real place with a real kitchen and privacy..and all of that....so i dont know...

on my being a mental case....i guess im beginning to calm down..still a lot of anxiety about things but the depression refuses to lift completely..and im just sad all the time...i dont know...

dejected

feeling very dejected today....get paid tomorrow and no money to do anything significant with...can do the hotel but that is getting to the point of not being a good option anymore...but not getting approved for an apartment...and so tired of looking and tired of not being able to do anything..and not enough money for a deposit plus rent ..and im thinking we will end up looking at renting a room again..until we can save up...i dont know what else to do...

in a pretty cranky mood

i dont know

i feel out of it today..i cant tell if im depressed or suicidal..my thoughts go back and forth and wont settle down...im tired and angry and hurt and very very sad..and i dont know what to do about it...i had trouble sleeping..all i could think about was ways to make myself hurt..because i do deserve it..because i have messed up..because there is nothing left for me...im sorry i really just cant be what/who everyone needs me to be..

when is it my time to be happy?

i am feeling incredibly sad right now..and have been for the past few hours...im hurt that once again my choices are being taken from me..one by one..and i feel like im just stuck watching it all happen around me...the issue of my relationship with sarah is the root of all of this...and information is being passed along and no one freaking knows the whole story..and no one will ask me..but everyone will tell me what they think i need to do or say or not do...why am i repeatedly being reminded that this is my first relationship?  that i am becoming to involved, to consumed with one person...how is this different than anyone elses first relationship?? why is it so wrong for me to feel that someone else is important to me and that i care for someone else who is not family .... is it that im slipping away from all of them a little bit ..that i am going to someone else to talk to and for help ?? what is it??  this may be my first relationship but i have seen a lot of relationships..i have watched the outcomes of good and bad relationships...and i was always so very afraid of being hurt in some way that i stayed away from relationships...i stayed away from everyone because fear ruled me...but when i started talking to sarah something was different..i was ok talking to her..i told her i was afraid..that i didnt know what i was doing, that i hadnt been in a relationship..that i didnt know what i was looking for...we talked about my past and being hurt ..and why it is that i struggle with a lot of different things...and eventually..and very slowly it became physical too....me..i was positive that i would be alone..i had mommy telling me again and again that i am going to be alone and then tells me that i need to get out more and meet new people...so i started talking to sarah and it was ok...i met her even though i was scared and was able to see that she was safe..and that she listened to me...she understands my hurts, the scars, the tears...she listens to me when im not feeling safe and checks on me when i am being completely unstable...she has stuck with me through all of this mess that i have going on right now...she has already seen me at my worst and she is still there...she makes me laugh, and i dont feel like i have to pretend im someone else when i am with her...i can be myself and that is enough...and that is something that i am not able to have with many people...the fact that i have let her into my personal space is a very big deal...i dont like anyone touching me..and yet i ask sarah to touch me...even when i am afraid and if i ask her to stop she will...sarah has become important to me..and she makes me happy..and with everything that is currently going on and with everyone trying to tell me what to do and i have to keep reminding myself that this is my happiness..sarah is my happiness and no one can take that away from me...i hate that the doubts and confusion has been put in my head..but now i am feeling very clingy and unsure of myself..and im afraid that the stress of having everyone in our business is going to make her go away..and im just afraid ..and i want to reassure myself and her but i dont think i am doing a good job..i dont know how to make it right ... i just want to be able to make my own choice and right now my choice is sarah...no one has asked me why i want to be with her...and how can i even put into words that sarah is the one person who has truly stuck with me..regardless of how i am acting or not acting..if im talking or shutting down..she can make me laugh and then be serious with me..we talk about the future, the past and the present..i feel safe with her, and i feel safe with her being near me...it is an actual relationship..i am not her caretaker and she is not my mother...we talk through the difficulties and the issues and are able to regain trust and safety...sarah accepts me, and tells me that im beautiful and she knows that i dont think that..or even believe it..but she tells me all the same..we like a lot of the same stuff..we get along...taji and bounce like her...sarah is smart, and beautiful and she wants more for herself and for me...she has dreams and ambitions and things that she wants to do with her life...we fit together in a completely different way than i am with anyone else...this is a completely different relationship where i am able to be on equal ground with someone without getting the relationship warped or messed up because of past issues..when im afraid of something ..i talk to sarah about it...she is the one i turn to for support for love...and im sorry if no one else can see just how much it is that i want to be loved...how much i want to be accepted as i am..i had a talk with tramaine tonight after i got off of the phone ...and i mean we are in a hotel so yeah i knew she was listening...and she told me that i wasnt a loser...that it doesnt matter what anyone else says as long as i am happy....and in that moment i was truly glad that tramaine was here..because i really wasnt feeling very safe tonight...

im trying to be ok..im trying to think and not react..im trying so very hard to be confident and know that i am making the choice for me...doing what makes me happy for once in my life...and i can sit and listen to everything mommy wants to say and everything that yvonne wants to say...but why cant i experience what ever it is that i am experiencing and everyone leave me alone about it...i cant tell the future but im supposed to be living in the present...i need to stay in the present and live with what my life is now...and i dont want mommy to mess that up..

i knew i was right ....

i knew i was right..i knew it..and i wasnt stupid..and it did happen just as i said it did..yvonne was upset and said something to nia and nia somehow said something to mommy... i really must be a sucky person...i really do just fail at life ..

processing...trying to process

i really am wishing i could remember things better...im already getting holes in my head from therapy today...its like i still try to protect myself from myself and that means forgetting...always forgetting...but yes i went to therapy today and i just wasnt feeling it at all..i didnt want to talk to her...or see her..and almost stopped waiting for her...but we talked about the appointment this morning with the gyno and i didnt go into a lot of details about it..but the basics..and then we talked about my phone call yesterday and how it made me feel and the outcome i guess..and it still amazes me that someone else is able to see just how much control mommy has over me..and i hate that...i told her that sarah is my girlfriend and kind of what we talked about last night and how my mind had worked things out...but she was on my side...that i could be upset and hurt..and that i didnt want mommy trying to control my relationship..and she asked me to write down my feelings about sarah..because i told her that i have my own thoughts and then mommy tells me something and its like what she says becomes my thoughts too and then i get lost and confused and unsure of what i want to do....she was right in that i am confident in my relationship with sarah..i am...im going to write it but i need another journal since i cant print right now....but it was actually ok...talking to the therapist...it got me thinking...but yeah it went ok yesterday

i left therapy and was in my car when mommy called and yeah i was immediately defensive...but she again brought up me and sarah and got around to asking if she had upset me with what she said....i told her twice during the conversation yesterday that she had hurt my feelings with what she said..and i told her that she was assuming all of this stuff...pretty much mommy thinks i need to date more and fiigure out what i want...and was ever so nice to remind me that i have never been in any other relationship...add in a few of course you can be with who ever you want, and i love you regardless...and i wanted to bang my head on the wall from frustration...i did tell her that i am not planning on getting married any time soon... i told her that i had already talked to sarah about the lack of my relationship experiences ... im not stupid...and even with a serious lack of experience i knew my fears before anything even started...but she apologized for hurting my feelings...and now im just hoping that the conversation will be done with...im not sure yet if i feel completely safe with all of it and dealing with her..but i will see... i guess i was slightly braver since this conversation happened right after therapy...im not sure i would have admitted anything otherwise..but mommy did say that nia didnt tell her anything..and that she wouldnt do that...so yeah...backing off a bit with everyone..until i feel safer again i guess...i dont want my personal life to become the topic of the month...but i am glad i didnt keep my concerns and fears to myself about it all...and im glad that i did end up asking for clarification i guess from mommy...even though i never would have done it at any other time...my feelings were really hurt though..and the assumptions that mommy has about me just doesnt make any sense...i really think she believes i dont know anything at all..and yes i have done my share of stupid stuff..like just plain bad decisions...but i guess that comes with the whole growing up and being an adult thing..but i just started out really late it seems...ill make all of my stupid mistakes now ..but i guess that is how it goes...i suppose at some point my 'bad years' that i didnt have as a teenager would come up..and i think that right now..i am completely in leave me alone and let me experience life phase...who knows...but at least i have a partner in crime !

and my appointment yesterday to see the gyno was disappointing ... well the ultrasound hurt..and i swear i was once again trying my hardest to move away from the source of the pain..which meant trying to go backwards up the table..because speaking and saying that i was being hurt wasnt an option..but trying to get away was..and of course the dang ultrasound lady keeps telling me to relax and im staring at the ceiling trying not to cry or move...it sucked...and then i found out from the doc that my mirena had fallen out of place...like the basics of it is ..the mirena is put in your uterus..at the opening ...mine had worked its way out of my uterus and was making a journey down my cervix...and that is like a big nono is mirena world...so the doc took it out..i dont think pushing it back up was a viable option and i probably would have had a melt down if she had suggested that...yuck..but my options now are to either go back on the pill or retry the mirena...and im not to keen on retrying the mirena..because it hurt a lot last time and well if my body managed to push it out once...im not sure trying a second time is the best idea....the doc did give me a med to look up info on and see if i want to try it...but mostly right now im afraid that my period will start and not stop and ill be back to dealing with the same issue...and i dont want that to happen...i really dont...i just want it to stop because i just dont like it...and the doc already told me that she wouldnt give me a hysterectomy...i asked her..i told her i didnt need anything that was down there...slightly different opinion now....but i could still do without the stupid period...but i have to figure out something because if my period restarts i am not going to be a happy person .... i prolly need to make another appointment at the clinic to see the gyno ppl and see what can be done...or maybe ill tell courtney that im gonna die if she doesnt get my birth control back for me...blah..

last night i will admit that i pretty much lost my mind...concerning a very interesting conversation that i had with sarah ...but the end result may in fact make the whole conversation worth it...i am completely embarrassed by what i inadvertently asked for..but well interestingly enough the half made result was accepted...which has had me ridiculously happy and unable to sleep...which is how ive managed to actually write all of this ...because i was done sleeping like almost 2 hours ago...maybe it is ok to ask for things...hmmm im gonna have to think about that a bit more..

i cant make sense of the world

i couldnt sleep...ive finally given up on sleeping and im feeling rather sick and anxious at the minute...not to mention i have like two hours to drink enough that i will need to go to the bathroom again...yesterday is weighing heavy on me and the ones i would have talked to about it..i am not feeling to trusting towards...i talked to sarah but i know she is feeling really sad about it too...im not sure what else i can think about ..i already was worried about today and now my mind is running rampant on so many different issues..the clonazapan isnt working so well this time around..and it just makes me want to take more so that it will numb me out...especially today...

i dont understand what the point was though...why talk about me so much when im not even there..and i realize that is such a stupid question because mommy talks about me whenever she feels like it...and yes i have screwed up recently with money and things..but why talk about the one thing that makes me happy? and right now there isnt a lot that makes me happy.  i fully understand my choices right now..and in the grand scheme of things.i would have liked to hope that mommy, nia and yvonne would have been able to see that sarah is the one good thing right now...when everything else has just fallen apart repeatedly its been sarah who hasnt gone anywhere, and who has been supportive and been everything ive needed..she lets me completely break down and doesnt laugh at me or tell me to stop or suck it up...and ive never had that...i dont want to have to let go of the one person who cares about me and how im feeling..who tells me im beautiful regardless of my own self hate...

if it gets to a point where i have to choose..i will pick sarah...no i dont want to lose noa in the process..but my family is just having to much control over me..and it needs to stop..because its not fair..and now it is hurting someone who i love and thats not ok...

just sad

i
right now
i am just very very hurt...and sad...the anger has begun to drain away..but it is still there also...to think that two of the people i trusted have inadvertenly used information against me..hurts a lot..it really does...i dont have a lot of friends..and i really dont let many people know what is going on with me...but yvonne did know..and nia knows a lot...and now i guess i became the topic of conversation when mommy went up to nias this weekend...i dont know why..but i was...and now i have mommy telling me i need to have my own life...that i shouldnt be taking care of anyone..
my heart hurts
my body hurts
the sad thoughts are overwhelming me...

im annoyed and frustrated

someone has been telling mommy something ..and i can guess who it was ..but i dont know why...and it is frustrating and confusing to me and makes me feel as if i just need to not say anything at all about anything i am doing or not doing...and once again i am being told what i should and shouldnt be doing..that i shouldnt be giving all of my time to sarah...and its like geez i see sarah twice a week..im not living with her..im not freaking taking care of her..who told her any of this ?? and the only real conclusion i can figure out that is at the root of this sudden issue .. is that yvonne said some thing to nia and nia said something to mommy..and what was it?  that she didnt sleep in the bed with me?  that i wanted to hang out with sarah? im always doing something for everyone else..always...and the one time i find someone that i like being around and who keeps me from being lonely..and now everyone wants to give me their opinion on what i need not to do...im angry and hurt...i really am...because there is one bright spot in my life right now and everyone seems to be trying their hardest to crush it..and i dont understand why...no one asks what she does for me? all anyone else can see is the wheelchair and the extra help needed and that is not fair...suddenly it is an issue...and it is everyone else that is making it an issue...sarah is very independent...i am not stepping in and doing every single thing for her...thats not the way this is..thats not the way the relationship is...now there is a problem because im not spending time with anyone else....who in the heck do i have to spend time with ?  curvon im not seeing a lot because i am living in a freaking hotel...not because im only paying attention to sarah....because im working and if im not working im sleep and my couple days of being with sarah shouldnt be an issue...no one in my family knows any freaking thing about me....ill go back into my own little hole and go back to being alone and then wait for everyone to once again tell me that i need to be doing more..getting out more...but i guess i cant win either way....maybe i will just be alone..and that is all there is for me because im ruining everything for everyone else it seems...

freaked

im looking at the day and i am worried for myself...im freaking out and its just getting worse...maybe i should go ahead and take the dang meds and maybe that will help quiet my thoughts....everything is centered around my doc appt tomorrow..and the urge to just act out is massive right now..and i say act out because that is what it is..words fail me..but if i do something phsical then that is glaringly obvious that something is wrong...and i dont know how to explain how afraid i am...i cant stop thinking about the last visit and how much it hurt..and that i couldnt do anything to make it stop...and im going back tomorrow..what in the hell is wrong with me?  i thought you are supposed to not do things that hurt you..

i think ill hide today.