down down down

i need to get out of the house..i need to do something...im going crazy with worry and waiting and trying to stay safe..and the more i think about going to the store today..the more i am thinking about how nice it would be to get razors...to have them..not use them (deluded i know)...but thinking clearly is not a major point right now...im not really sure what is a major point right now...im just down and tired of worrying about everything..im tired of waiting for my phone to ring..im tired of waiting to be given a chance and it makes me just again feel as if i am good at nothing at all...i talked to an old coworker yesterday about her interview at the same place i interviewed ..and again by the time i g ot off the phone with her..i was just thinking and telling myself that i did an awful job..that there is nothing good about anything ive done..that my resume and my interview were junk and should be thrown away and never looked at again...on and on and on...and the more i worry..the more negative i get and its frustrating ..and im afraid ill juts spend my days laying down and ignoring everything around me...juts realized that i forgot about another bill ..and i just want to cry..im tired..but this is not sleepy tired...this is all of my concerns and worries are sitting on my shoulders and it is going to break me..and then ill die and be left alone...

maybe i should give courtney a call...but i dont want to be forced back into therapy either...not right now..well if i was forced now it would be a useless thing...but maybe just to talk a little bit or something..i dont know...it may not be the best idea to tell the person who controls my meds that i am feeling pretty suicidal .... maybe ill just keep quiet for a bit longer... just wait and manage and just keep quiet ..i dont know...im told i can manage...so i guess thats what ill do...

time for meds...yay me..

feeling...well feeling a bit to much

im super tired and slightly drugged so im hoping that this will make sense. .. ive had mommmy hounding me for most of thedaay for one reason or another and you know something random..im completely sad that they have once again taken away teh chili and cheese burrito that i like from taco bell...crazy i know..but i like it and they keep taking it away and yeah... but im feeling down..and sort of wanting to drink which is a huge clue that i am trying to drown out some issue..its like going down the list of addictive behaviors and picking the next one on the list ..seriously ..i dont need another thing to have consume me...ill take the dang depressino on its own ..at least that i know will keep me from doing anything stupid ...drinking just to numb out will not be a good idea...so yeah..im a little freaked out though because of the recent breakins over here and im in the basement and so im a little bit freaked out but i am in the basement and its not like i can drag my stuff somewhere else..there is no where else for it to go...but ive locked the door back again ..so that it cant be opened from the outside..and that helps me feel a little safer but im still nervous aobut it ...and a little bit scared.  did i say that already?  hmmm i talked to sarah today and she is sad and upset and i dont know how to make it better...i will keep being there though.  taji has been clingly..and its only at random times and i know she is eating but i rub her and i cant tell shes eaten at all...i need to get them to the vet .. dang it i keep falling asleep and i kinda kinda gotta pee .. haha i gotta pea .. i should listen to the song again.  it makes me laugh..and since i am at risk of seeming like ive completely lost my mind..i think i should go to sleep.. i took my meds tonight. yay. i took them on time even...and now im falling asleep..i need to do laundry..maybe ill do that at some point this week..or sunday maybe..maybe the days will stop running toggether...yeah sleep.  i think ill write tormorrow. yep

lack of control ...

i am pretty straight forwardly hiding out today..the weather is gross..im feeling depressed..i see no real reason to even get out of bed...i really dont....

cancelled my appointment to see the bh person today...i just am not up for filling out one of the assessments on how i am feeling ...im sure suicidal and depressed will not go over well....

once again i am forced to accept help from mommy...because i have no other choice....and i hate myself all the more because i cant say no..because i dont have the extra money for food and stuff...thankfully i am able to pay my rent without her help....but now the control that she has is switching over to food and what i can and cant eat or get at the grocery store..and im juts stupid enough to believe that if i cross some line..get something im not supposed to get..that she will know..and i will be in trouble...

i am supposed to be pricing a grocery list that she made for me...every single thing that i can get and is acceptable...she put on the list...told me to price it...told me that now that i dont have the money to buy whatever i want then that means i will be able to eat healthy and since i refuse to go back to being a vegetarian..then there are only certain things i am allowed to have....and it just makes me feel stupid ... that i am in this situation..that i cant even go to the grocery store without assistance because im obviously to stupid to even bother with making a proper list for the store...i really feel like just crying right now....i know i need to get food..and im trying to not go and get food because i need to make sure the rent is paid and the cats are fed...and i know letting mommy give me money for groceries and gas is going to come back heavily and bite me in the butt...it is....

and so the control changes but it is still the same...there is no real freedom for me right now i guess..and the sooner i realize that i am trying to fight a battle i cant win then i guess the easier it will be...

but i was told that im trusted enough to be able to go to the store and get what i say i will get....im just so glad i have that little bit of trust that means absolutely nothing to me...i wasnt going to ask her for money..i was going to go with my plan of sandwiches and noodles until i started working again...stupid me for voicing that plan out loud...it was very stupid of me...

why is it so hard to understand ..that i am a failure

i am a failure ... completely .... i dont know what im going to do...im stressed out and keep being told that i have nothing to be worried about...im trying to hold back the tears ... right now...and i dont want to talk to anyone right now... im sorry i dont sound happy or want to do anything..im trying to hang on but each day it just gets so much harder...and so i guess ill just keep my worrying to myself...id rather not here that i just need to pray or that i dont need to be depressed and taking medication...the more interesting question would be to ask when am i not depressed??? 

another day of stomach troubles from not eating all day and then eating to fast i guess....next time ill just not eat.. im sick of my stomach boycotting food..

ill prolly juts go back to staring at the ceiling or something...

stuck and anxious ,,remember and death

 i am feeling stuck and well anxious right now...worrying and trying not to..trying to tell myself that something is going to work out..that next week will be my week and i will get a call about a job...the inactivity of not working is beginning to scare me, that i will become to comfortable with doing nothing...but i dont want to end up lost within myself...

im not really sure what i am feeling actually...am i upset? sad? down? depressed? okay? worried? stressed?  i really dont know...i really dont know.

I feel reflective but i dont know why.

I think i accidently got triggered yesterday and the thoughts are still hiding under the surface. I know the thoughts that hide.  The insecurities, the questions, the why me, the how come i ended up hurt and afraid of everything but only I seem to remember? What is wrong with me?

Mommy says she doesnt remember.  Mommy always asks if she was a good parent, she says she was a good parent, that she scarficed so very much for us, but at what cost?  I was strong enough to stand against her, and so i was broken. Repeatedly broken on purpose because she could do it.  She told me she did things on purpose because of my reaction, because then I would blindly agree and not argue.  No one was there to tell me anything differently...I believed her.  I still believe her and still question just what it is that i remember.

What is it, the beatings, the humiliation, the forced social interactions, the need to behave, to be seen and not heard, the knowledge that you do not cross mommy, the fear of being in trouble, the fear of not remembering and getting in trouble, the threats, the pain, the yelling, the comparing, my life but it is one i do not remember fully.  anyone who meets mommy know would swear i was just being an ungrateful little bitch, that I was making things hard for her. How could I be so ungrateful, so mean to her..but how do you explain just how mean and hurtful she has been to me?? how am I the one that is wrong and spiteful and bitter? All the years of hurt got locked so far away..the yelling and comments about myself became my own..and I am better at breaking myself these days than she is...

It makes me sad, to think about a life that feels like it is not my own.  To know and fully understand that I do have two sets of parents that did not want me.  No one has explained the adoption, no one has remembered my sister...and so I am truly alone in regards to a biological family. So many different scenarios could have happened, but no one has told me the truth.  no one has told me why.  left to my own devices who am i to believe?  what am i to believe?  should i be greatful that i was not pushed through the foster system? but instead ended up in a home where nothing i did was good enough?  where punishment was anything that was close enough to hurt?  where fear ruled, and hiding and being invisible was important.  to break the rules meant days of worry and fear, days of threats until eventually there was pain.  There was no protection, never any protection.  but mommy swears she doesnt remember..how can she not remember?  how can she forgot when she made me eat out of the toilet, or all the times she hit me with the bat or brushes or brooms or belts, or switches..or the piece of trim that had fallen off? how do you forget calling me a slut and a whore when I wasnt old enough to understand what the words meant. I knew they were bad but not what they meant.  I was bad that was the message.  She knew everything and I knew nothing.  I had nothing.  My stuff destroyed on a whim..because my room was messy..i held no attachment to anything because nothing was mine. how she believed other men over me. i wanted her to kill me when she threatened to.  she had the knife, so why did she not go through with it? i was defenseless? i had nothing to protect myself with? and probably would have stood there and not fought back.  I would have welcomed death...there was nothing in the world for me at all.  when things became sexually she was not there..but she was..i was told to obey, to be nice, to play...she had no idea of the game that was played, or the resulting acting out..that i am ashamed of...the inability to say no..the inability to know that it was ok to say no ..to stop it..but i was older so it was my fault. i was bad and nasty and disgusting....but fear kept me silent, and defending myself was not worth the trouble...i am destined to be alone because she has said so...but im not alone..and it is in moments like this that i hang on to sarah like a life line...to keep my from drowning in my thoughts....mommy choose others over me...again and again and again..she choose others over me..she ignores me and demands my attention..she expects so much from me...expects me to be so much..and i do not have the energy to combat it...it is a useless fight...because who would believe me? what does this mean? for me? for my life? for anything at all?

my thoughts still control me....the words and rules and promises and hurts control me...she told me i was crazy..that i needed to be in the hospital...but no one is allowed to know..so i stay out of the hospital..even when i am looking death in the face...i stay out of the hospital...because that is against the rules...because then everyone will know im crazy and that is not okay...but there is no longer any help for me...ive tried to find the help...therapy, meds, talking, writing, there is nothing left to try...and even my therapist gave up on me..so what do i have to live for?

one thing that i really truly can not deal with is a parent who choosing someone else over their child...i cant handle that..there is no forgiveness in me for that...

im just quiet im not crazy
i dont need the meds
i dont need anything
i need to smile
i need to get out of the house more
i need to not eat
that is the recommendations of mommy...

sometimes i do feel like dumping all the meds down the toilet and never taking any of them again....not take them and see what happens...

i just want to lay down and hide

underneath it all

the meds calm me enough that i can think. it might not be real clea thinking or even coherant .but i think.i think that the suicidal feelings have been hiding from me..right ubnder the surface and i havent noticed. but tonight i can feel it. i want to die. i want to go away. i want a break. thats all. a break . it was hiding real good. but i found it. the thoughts n feelings. the sadness and darkness. the negative wants to consume me. take me away from everything  i just want quiet and nothing and everything. i donnt know

i know im looking for an excuse to not face my problems..im trying not to let my mood effect everything else going on around me ..but really all i can seem to do is worry and worry leads to panic and panic leads to tears and tears can led to one or two things ..sleep or pain....i know that i juts want a drink right now to numb out..but i juts took meds and hopefully will fall asleep soon..im tired of today...im tired of trying ..im tired of being a failure ...im not sure about tomorrow at all..i dont want to go to the wedding..but i cant just skip it..i dont want to deal with a lot of ppl right now...who knows maybe i will even feel like eating tomorrow...i made tuna tonight...and by the time i was done i didnt want it anymore...i was starving..i ate at like 8 this morning...and just a couple sprites during the day..tuna was supposed to be dinner but now i dont want it anymore...or at least not tonighit..

im feeling very unsure of myself right now

i dont know how im feeling right now.....i guess i prolly am a bit on edge with the storm and everything..and then not feeling good..and i guess im starting to worry a bit about tomorrow and there being extra people in the house and everything...i think i am more than a bit on edge...because of the stupid weather i wont get to see sarah tonight..stupid stupid weather...

one of my jobs that i interviewed for did call me today..but i didnt get the position....i did get referred to the richmond part of the agency though...so im not sure how i feel...i of course thanked him for referring me along and letting them now i was a good candidate...but still it makes me sad..and i guess all the waiting and worrying and things are beginning to wear on me..and im trying to stay positive about things..but every day doubt slips in a bit more..and i wonder what in the world i am good for...what i did to get back in this situation...and it juts feels like everything is closing in on me and i cant breathe...i cant think..i want to lay down and forget the world exists..im not good enough...for anything..maybe that is all that i need to remember....

im tired and i feel like crying and i want sarah and i dont know...just a mess right now

weird dreams ...

this is one of the rare days i wish i could remember what i was dreaming about ..i know the theme was judgement, injustice, etc..things along those lines..and i kept waking up and trying to think about what i was dreaming but then i would go back to sleep..and now i forget ..but i dont feel good currently...not sure why...and not to thrilled that it is storming because i really dont like storms.well thunder and lightening..i really dont like..and i hate how i feel when im scared of something..

but i did get bunches of hugs from curvon today..and i got to old the baby and play with him for a couple hours this morning.  that did make me happy.

and some pictures i was sent on facebook made me happy to.  maybe i will go and look at them again since im feeling kind of out of it...

5 months....

i was reminded today that it has been five months...there have been happy times, sad times, angry times, and times for apologizing and regaining trust...but we are both still here..we are both still there for each other..she wont let me shut down and shut her out..and i make sure she is taking care of herself...loving someone is not what i thought it would be...neither a bad or good assesment..it is just different...and it is really just being able to lay down with her and know im not alone that calms my mind and my heart...the other things are perks ..the laughs and talking and jokes and traveling and breaking down and building up..quiet talks about the future, about the present, about the past...hearing and listening to what is said and not said...caring and thinking about her when i am not with her....that is what love is..and that is what i have found. 

what is beauty?

when i first opened up and felt like writing tonight..i reallly did not plan on the topic being about beauty at all...but i was on facebook and saw the post for who was chosen as the most beautiful women and it was Lupita Nyong'o...now i havent seen 12 years a slave yet..but i will soon..maybe tonight if i can find it online somewhere..but this is a woman whose picture i looked at and for a moment i thought ' i want to be beautiful too'...

beauty and me and not things that i associate together at all...i am me..sometimes i tolerate myself..but i see nothing beautiful about myself...and its taken a long, very long time to get to the point where i CAN tolerate myself..and look in the mirror and actually focus in on myself ...gosh i avoid mirrors, i avoid looking at myself..i dont evene have a mirror in my bedroom..and will literally walk out of the door in the morning without looking in a mirror at all..because there is no point..because i still have the same face that i grew up with..i still have the same face that has been told time and time again to change...to be someone else..to be something else..to be better, prettier, nicer, than i was...so why look in the mirror....like i said ..there is no point...

i am not ashamed of how i look..but i can be very critical of my looks..i am very critical of my body...critical of the scars..critical of what i have put my body through and lived to see another day...but no i dont think i am ashamed of my body...standing naked and looking in the mirror embarrasses me..and i dont do it often...but when i am alone..and it is just me..and there are no extra eyes around to judge or torment me..then i dont care ..i wear what i want..i can do what i want..and there is no shame..i am comfortable..almost comfortable in my skin...

but insert society, insert work, friends, relationships, any of that ..and the wanting to hide away comes back...again not so much because of shame..but more because i have been told over and over again that i am not beautiful..that i am not wanted..that i will never find love or get married or any of that...i am told i am stupid and worthless and that i need to lose weight, not eat, restrict, that i should care more about myself, i should take care of myself more...over and over...at least two times a week there is a conversation about me..how i look, what i wear, am i making enough effort...this is what i grew up hearing, and maybe i come off as not caring..no i dont wear make up because i dont like it..because i was made up as a child and didnt like it then either....normally i am in jeans and a shirt and sneakers..unless im going to work..and working is not all dressy either...when i want to i can put effort into how i look i guess...but if the message i got and still get is that i am not good enough..that i am not beautiful as i am..then no amount of make up or dieting or anything will change that...

the sad thing is...that i always am thinking about, comparing, looking at my body, at the bodies around me..wondering why i cant look like them..wondering why i got stuck with the body i have..why cant i pick a new body? why cant i look like how i think i want to look in my head?  where is the button to change me into someone beautiful??

so i guess the question is still...what is beauty? what makes a person beautiful?  it is more than accepting who you are..it is more than being comfortable in your own skin...it is just so much more than that...but i never learned what that was...i never learned that beauty is something that is individual for each person..its not the make up, or the clothes, or the money, the body, the special hollywood status...because even with all of that..i am almost certain that i will not feel any more beautiful then than i do now...

i know all the says..beauty is within, you have to love yourself as you are, you have to accept who you are..be comfortable in your skin, say what you feel, be honest, love, laugh, confidence...that is what beauty is...but again that does not work for me..how do you combat 30 years of feeling not beautiful..of being compared to everyone around you, of not fitting in because of body size or skin color or the type of clothes i wear or how i talk or what i like...

it is hard to feel beautiful when all of my thoughts focus on what is wrong with me..i was talking pictures of myself today..because of my hair...i love my hair..i love the purple thats in it...does it make me feel beautiful?  no..do i smile when other people comment on my hair?  yes... i want to be noticed, i want to be included and wanted and feel important and that i matter...yes i want to be told that i am beautiful..but i want it to be because i am me...and not what i can become..or who i can become...i want it to be because they mean it...and arent trying to make me feel better or something..i already know how i look..my look hasnt changed since i was kid for goodness sake...

im sorry if i have managed to disappoint anyone...

 

this is who i am

got distracted

ok so my last post was completely not what i had actually planned to write about...no i had something else on my mind...

and its more curiousity than embarrassment right this minute  ( that could change)



so

a couple of my roommates are swingers..they are a couple...and their personal life isnt my business..but the swinger part i had already figured out..so it was more or less confirmed today...so yeah...but anyway...i may be naive about a lot of things but i am fully aware of what the swinger lifestyle entails..and while i have no real interest in it..the whole situation is just sorta interesting in a majorly this is not my business sorta way..i mean ive seen the other couple in passing and its not as if anyone is walking around the house naked or whatever...but what is the drive behind it? just liking sex or just liking being with a different person ..and well it takes cheating almost out of the equation if both are aware of course of who is sleeping with who..but cheating can still happen...as i learned today..and the guy was forgiven...but its just different..not good or bad...just different...

which is a huge illlogical roundabout way has me thinking of other things...relating to relationships and not..and kind of just how to bring up conversations ..i know i have to work on getting past the whole shame part of it..and realizing that well it is what it is...but how that is done?  i have no idea..

to be continued

secrets and lies

as im sitting here debating on if i want to eat or not..im choosing to ignore the fact that my head is hurting and that i am feeling a bit sick..and all of that...sometimes you gotta make choices..and thankfully i have pasta for tomorrow..i ate some this afternoon for lunch ..so i can have the rest tomorrow...and i dont have to worry about figuring out what to cook...because no matter how i try to get things worked out in my head..nothing is working out..and im just frustrated with all of it..

i know i am hiding today...i knew i would end up hiding today but i again tried to convince myself otherwise...tried to convince myself that it was ok..that i would be ok ... but no... reality hit me squarely in the chest this morning..and now..all ive done is lie to mommy about what i have and dont have money wise..and i keep getting so defensive talking to her..i try not to ..but it takes almost nothing and im angry and dont want to talk to her..i dont want to be questioned..i have enough worries going on without needing her questioning every single thing..of course she asked if i was getting paid this week and of course i said yes...what difference does it make if i said no?? my lack of being able to care for myself is staring me in the face and i can feel that it is slowly picking away at me....its sad how badly i want to cut just for a bit of relief...just so i can sleep or think or just manage to do anything without being plauged by worry...i talk to nia and im so jealous..and i hate how jealous i am..its not good to compare..but again my struggles are mine to deal with alone and in secret..thats what mommy tells me...more or less that is what she tells me..and i try hard to keep my secrets to myself...and them slipping out is making me want to punish myself more and more...i hide so i dont have to talk..i dont have to lie if im not talking to anyone ...

i feeling to many things right now...and i look at the time frame that i have inadvertently set for myself and all i can see is me failing at all of it....and then the negative thoughts take over and my head is full of thoughts that i dont want to have...and i know exactly what i am doing...that is the part of all of this that just makes it all seems so wrong and worthless...i know i am trying to push ppl away...there are not that many people i talk to anyway..but the few i do talk to..have lives of their own..they have families and jobs and dont need me and my depressing mess of a life getting in their way...i really would give almost anything to go back to being able to hold on to my silence like i did in college...not speak to anyone..and then there is no one to ask questions..no one to notices scars..no one to notice anything at all ...

i know the saying is that things will get worse before they get better...but how much more do i have to deal with ?  what else can happen ?  what else can i do or not do...and reaching out for help is just like being lost in the dark...no one can help me..i cant even help me...but again..as long as i can keep my mood neutral and/or slightly drugged whenever i am around anyone else..then what is there to know..what is there to do...smile, pretend, repeat, and push away all thoughts of anything else...i remember now why i relied on cutting...i remember why i needed it to get through the day..to get through the hour..maybe i will just sleep the days away....at least if im sleep i wont be thinking...

well .....

i talked with heather this morning...and well i guess i have a more confirmed time frame....and im looking at 2 months....job and a place to live in the next two months...i can do this...i hope i can do this...

just frustrated and to much thinking ......

i am trying not to fall into the trap of depression...i really am..but it is hard..as i sit here and it is monday and i am doing nothing...im not working..im not doing anything productive i guess...and it is making me feel useless....so very useless...things are piling up around me and im getting stuck in all of the worrying and confusion about what to do..what i will be able to do..where i will go if it comes to that...im trying hard to find a job..that is the first delima. ..  the second delima is finding a place to live that i can afford...the third delima is actually making it to the first and second delima outcomes in one piece ...  i want to give up..throw a tantrum...just a bit down..and trying to deal with the world i guess ... i dont know yet...


i got my insurance stuff in the mail..and well while its nice having it..im really not sure if it is going to be helpful...like with meds and stuff.i think they will be more expensive with the insurance..ugh..its all frustrating...

i was trying to talk to mommy this morning and she wasnt listening to me..and that just made me upset....and maybe it was stupid to get so upset over it..but i did..and i guess i need to figure out what im going to do..and that is what it keeps coming back too...finding out what i am going to do...but job is first...the rest will have to come after that...

im just thinking to much...and have a headache..and am feeling sorry for myself...

my life, my loves

anxiety

i keep looking on facebook and all of the happy easter/he is risen pictures are getting to me..i dont want to look at either of them anymore...i dont know what about today has me feeling so anxious..but im just bothered and annoyed and frustrated and not feeling good and im complaining....i need to stop complaining..maybe i do need a nap to clear my head a bit....who knows...im such a loser

feeling angry ....

i dont want to ruin the day or the weekend...i just always forget how much arguing and cursing at each other and what not is a big trigger ...and now im home and feeling sad and alone and i want to go back to sarah and i cant ..and im angry that taji and bounce werent taken care of..and that my stomach refuses to calm down ..and im sick of my bang period ..and i just feel so gross and pathetic right now...

ssssooooo about yesterday

i want to write about yesterday but i need to go to the bathroom soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad and i cant because im going to have the dang drug screen done in like an hour and if i go and pee now i wont be able to later....and so i have to hold it..and i just feel like hopping around the room trying to hold it in .... yes this is my sad life at the moment ! goodness...

but about yesterday....yeah..death warmed over..i felt awful ..went to my interview..and then went over to sarahs and completely crashed...like sleep refused to let me go..and i kept falling asleep and trying not to fall asleep and still falling asleep...it took a bit before i asked for pain meds...the pain comes and goes..but when it comes it hurts like crazy...right now im not hurting and am feeling able to get up and stuff...but yesterday it wouldnt stay away..and i hate how needy i get when i am not feeling good..sarah stayed with me though..good heavens i really hope i didnt start crying or anything..but i stayed over at her place all afternoon and evening...

and i guess the part i wanted to write about was the conversation we had before i came home...because it has me thinking very hard...and i guess sometimes i forget that this is life and something there really are worries going on for both of us..about different things..about the same things...and kind of just being reassuring and listening and being able to kinda figure things out a bit...or wee where things are at...  it does make me sad that i am afraid of things that i want to do because im scared of not being able to stay in control..and how much the past has warped my mind and im not sure all the time what it is that i am wanting or why...no i dont want to be hurt...but there is a fine line between pain and pleasure...and i think that confuses me ... because what i want..or what i want to try/explore/whatever it may be involves massive amounts of trust and equally massive amounts of vulnerability from both of us...and i think i pull back more...i will accept but not give as equally ..because of fear...im starting to slowly do different things..but i realize that for both of us..the nice, kosher, simple sex stuff isnt completely what is needed...and that doesnt concern me..i think it actually makes me feel a little bit better..knowing that im not completely hanging out in left field by myself because shame and guilt prevent me from talking about or asking about things that i like or dont like..

it really makes me think of the entire submissive role type things.....as much as i find the role appealing ..i dont think i am truly completely submissive...i like having the control..but i dont want it all of the time...i dont know...im trying to figure out where i stand on the whole submissive and control spectrum...i really think im afraid to give up control completely...which could be some of why i have a harder time with getting the end result and stuff...hmmm not sure ....

feeling sick...

you know i realize that the mierna thing is going to help in the long run...but right this minute i want to rip the darn thing back out juts to stop the cramping and hurting...walking hurts..sitting up hurts..i feel very sick and im supposed to be getting ready for my interview...i want to cry in frustration because i know my attention is deivided right now..and im not really sure about being able to focus as much as i need too today..im going to take some midol and hope it helps a little bit..cas i need to get up and get out of the house...dont throw up...thats my goal...i hope i manage the interview ok ...crap