FUCK IT

BLOODY FUCKING HELL I NEED MY DAMN HEADPHONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IM SO PISSED OFF AT EVERYTHING NOW..EVERYTHING AND NOTHING AND I WNT TO GO HOME AND SLEEP. SCREW WORK...SCREW LIFE...SCREW ALL THIS SHIT

I CANT IGNORE THE WORLD WHEN IT IS SLIPPING INTO MY EARS AND I CANT BLOCK IT OUT.. FUCK FUCK FUCK

INSERT SURVIVAL MODE NOW..CAS DAMNIT TO HELL I WANT TO SCREAM AT EVERYONE ..

BITE ME


IM MAD AT HAVING TO BE UP THIS MORNING IM AMAD AT THE STUPID PAPERWORK IM MAD TO BE MAD. IM ANGRY IM UPSET IM BORED AND IM BROKE.  FREAKING FUCKERS

where has my life gone ??

I am upset right now..and trying hard to keep it together and maybe this will help since i am not at home and all i want to do is go home...

therapy was a lot today...a lot of thinking and trying to remember...and i cant remember and it is so upsetting..and hurts so much that i dont know my own life..that i dont remember my own life..that i cant place ages on anything that happened..that all i remember is the fear and hurt and sadness and just praying so hard to just die and be set free...that was what i wanted...really that was all i wanted and nothing else ...but i dont know why..i can guess and speculate ..and i will prolly be accurate but what proof do i have?  what is going to make all of this make sense??

forget it

fear/safety/outings

so im supposed to be working on this thing for therapy..trying to pinpoint what it is that happens to me when i am out in crowded places or something..what is it that scares me or makes it hard for me to manage..andd i just want to say screw it ..i dont know..leave me alone..but i know that is just my highly pissed off mood talking right now..and that this is really more iimportant than i am currently willing to give it credit for..so i need to calm down and think for a little bit..and then i can go back to being pissed off ...

ill give an example first since this just happened.

i went to the bingo thing with a client...a group activity..but an expectation ..so i couldn't get out of going ..although i did not want to be there at all... but i go and thankfully its not as crowded as it has been...but still it is more people than i feel comfortable with...so immediately eye contact goes away..im afraid and so i cant look directly at anyone.. on one hand i guess i know that nothing is going to happen to me..but at the same time i am so afraid that something is going to happen...i sit so that i can see the door...but still i feel like i am being watched and looked at by everyone ..and it freaks me out..i have to remind myself to breathe..and focus on my client instead of everyone else..but i am aware of everyone else around me..somehow i can keep track of who is where when it comes to who i feel is to close to me..i was very glad the tables were set up differently so that i wasnt sitting directly back to back with someone..and i picked the sit that was on the end so that i didnt feel trapped or completely closed .... even though i knew some of the ppl there..i still mostly talked to only my client..because fear and being uncomfortable kept me silent... i mean the bingo did end up being fun...but my anxiety was up the whole time..and at the end it jut got worse as things got louder ..and there were juts to many people walking around me and i felt like i couldnt escape any of it...and i dont like that..finally i just sat down and tried to focus on my own stuff ..like what i actually had to carry and take with me...and still all of the way home i was anxious..nervous..

now this little event took place in an area where i should feel safe..its at the clinic where i go a lot of time..but it was in the basement ..and well basements freak me out anyway..dont know why but i prefer to stay above ground..whatever..but going down stairs is the first part that caused my anxiety to rise...and the familiarity of some of the ppl there didnt make me feel better..it just made me feel like i was being watched more..so i kept my head down...tried to stay out of ppls way..didnt speak much..etc..i didnt let myself focus on anyone but my client compeltely..and so yes i was aware that there were 2 ppl at the table in front of me..4 at the table behind me..and at least 6 or 7 at the table across from me..and again it was less crowded than usual ..but still..in my opinion it was crowded..and i dont think i felt completely safe....i dont know..

i just dont know today....

i woke up feeling confused..sad...messed up..angry...broken...a very low self esteem day i guess..i dont know


jutsw so so pissed off from talking to mommy yesterday and just not knowing how to deal with it and so i went to sleep pissed off and angry and i woke up pissed off and angry...its stupid ...its a waste of time letting her get to me so easily..but she did..she does..and today ..well last night..it just pissed me off..im doing something to help her out and she puts all of these restritions and what not on it and tells me ive messed up and all this mess..and its like fine..next time dont ask me to do it..and i did tell her that..i told her they can do it themselves..and leave me out of it..im sick of being yelled at for shit that i didnt want to do in the first place..and why in the hell did she have to ask me when my sister is at home for most of the day and could have done the same thing??? wtf..and so yeah i end up pissed off and just upset and pissed off and wanting to be completely juts left alone ...im tired of this stupid shit...i am..just leave me the hell a lone ok...

fearing fear ..

my fear of everything is overwhelming me right now and the need to hide is so strong...there is so much that i want to do..some many things that i want to be able to participate in and im afraid..afraid to be looked at..afraid to be noticed..just flat out afraid to be in a group of people that i do not know...and as much as i want to engage and be included and a part of it...im just not sure...and im continuing to miss out on everything..and it is depressing to me...i dont want to go to work really ..i dont want to be around anyone ..i just want to be left alone..with my thoughts ..and to just sink lower and lower and just not have to deal with having to put up with anything or anyone ... im still so tired of everything and i know that it is my way of avoiding things...say im tired...say that i dont want to be a part of things...and then i am able to hide away..because im ashamed of myself..im ashamed of who i am and what i am...im ashamed that i cant be like everyone else..that i am flawed..that im not socially acceptable..and it makes me sad..and then the negative thoughts start and i am just afraid...

technically there are three things that i want to be able to do right now...

i want to go to the support group meeting thats every other week i think..but im afraid 

i want to do the work out thing thats twice a month at the clinic i go to..but im afraid and ashamed to be seen trying to work out..in a group..when i am so gross and disgusting..

i want to go to the ww meeting once a week..but again i am ashamed and afraid ..

three seemingly simple activities and i cant deal with it...im afraid to do it..im afraid to put myself out there because i dont know what will happen..and i know that if i put it off and put it off then it will juts get worse and i will never go..but it is heart stopping fear juts even thinking about it..i dont know what to do...

i know how the conversation will lgo..face your fears..doing it a little bit at a time..continuing to go even though i am afraid .. that i will get used to it with time..but it is getting past the fear that is the biggest issue... if i cant get pass the fear then i will stay home and hate that i am missing out..but stepping out and getting involved is so overwhelming that i am afraid before i even have to do it..and this is me just thinking about this stuff all week..the stuff that i kinda want to do but then feel so depressed and ashamed of myself and my body that i just want to hide away...that i just want to disappear...and not do anything or go anywhere at all...my isolation is just so big right now i dont do anything..i go to work and come home..thats it..thats all i do..

i do want to be omre involved..i want to get out of the house and do things..but i feel like i need a damn knlonopin to even calm down enough to think about this without flipping out...its ridiculous..and i feel ridiculous because im struggling so much with something that is so simple...and im jut failling miserably at it all... because i am afraid ...because the world and the people in it scares me..because new situations are not safe and its even less safe if i am by myself...what in the hell am i supposed to do????

i dont know

i dont know whats wrong..im tired and cranky and in a bad bad mood..and i cant seem to let things go and im ancious and paranoid and just not ok and i dont even know why...shouldnt i be feeling better??? im not in pain physically anymore..well for the most part..but now mentally im ready to crash and burn...somehow there is to much in my head now..to much thinking that i cant get away from..to many wants and not enough time..the need for comfort and i feel stupid because i cant give it to myself..i want to go back to the hospital just to be taken care of..not because anything is wrong..and i think somewhere in my head im letting things get to the point where i mayj uts end up back in the hospital..except this time for mental stuff..and ill be damned if that is going to happen...no no no..it hasnt happened before and it isnt happening now...i dont care what i need to do..to keep myself out of the hospital but i will...i dont want to be there and im not going there and i dont care how much comfort i may think i want..it wont be coming from anyone in a hospital..

i dont want to see susan or courtney today...i really dont..i want to just hide at home and forget the rest of the world even exists...now may not be the best time to talk to me...just saying

something good...how could i forget lol

IM GOING TO BE AN AUNT :) :) :)   


MY SISTER IS HAVING A LITTLE GIRL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UBER UBER EXCITED !! 

im trying...somewhere in my head im trying

stay stong
dont give in to the urges

almost 4 months
keep breathing
today is a new day .

ssshhhhhh

and my thoughts are consuming me tonight.  im tired and just thinking a lot about things...worrying and scared and trying not to panic...but my thoughts are on the war path...and im upset and tearful because i wasnt saved..i wasnt helped...and i am alone now and will be alone for forever because i am to broken to have anything better...because there is no one for me..no one to understand the hurt and shame and guilt...because sometimes i think my eyess are dead...that i am dead inside...broken..gone..empty..there is nothing there..there is nothing left for me...nothing left in me...i dont want to be bitter..angry..but sometimes i do feel so bitter because i am so messed up..because i am stuck hiding and pretending and surviving and trying to just get by...i dont know what to do..i dont know what i want to do anymore...right now anyway..i guess it will pass...i know it will pass...but right now...the depression wins out...and all i have is my silence..my silence stops the tears...stops the talking..stops everything for a little while...but its not the silence that i want..i want the numb empty feelings..i want my head to turn off, to be quiet ... and silence does not stop that .... cutting stops that..and im fighting to not take the meds that i have..trying not to hurt myself...trying to remember that i can get pass this mood..get past these thoughts...but when im in the middle of them it seems like there is no end in sight....there is nothing but never ending pain and loneliness

“I can change the story of my Life. I am the story.”

more and more and more thinking

things have been really hard this week..having to adjust to the limiations the body has currently..and i know they wont last for forever..but just not being able to do stuff and having to take breaks..and getting tired so easily..its frustrating and i dont like it..and so all the stuff my mom was telling me and is still telling me is overwhelming my thoughts..and i have no patience for myself at all..i know i need to rest and be careful and take it slow but my mom just wont let it go and has told me now more than once that my particular surgery has a 3 - 5 day healing time.and since im still not up and about then im not trying and im just being lazy and on and on and on...im still sore and hurting..no not as bad..and i can tell things are healing up..but its like im not getting there fast enough..and so that means i try pushing myself..and end up over doing it and then i cant do anything anyway..ugh ...

and not feeling safe still from mommy being here..i am  so so so worried she is just going to show back up..and stay again..and its not like she listened to me when i asked her not to go in my room..and so its like once again our privacy is violated..our space is violated..and just dont have that same level of comfort any more right now..and trying to again take things slow and go out when i can and know that i have the keys to the apartment and there are no extra keys going around or anything..and that mommy cant get back to my house anyway with out help ...but still the fear and paranoia has set in..and hiding in the house is going on..afraid to go out..afraid something is going to happen..be it surgery related or mom related..but the safety issue is a big big deal...and i know i cant keep hiding in the house but i dont know what else to do right now..come monday i have to leave the house and go to work..

and mommy pulled the same thing she always does when she is around me lately...she asks all these questions aobut if she was a good parent..and that i had everything as a kid..and so on and so forthh...looking to me for answers and comfort i guess..and what do i say ? would i really say no you werent a good parent..when you are in my house and helping take care of me while i cant do it myself and you really think im going to say no?!!?!i guess i said some form of yes...promised to do better..to be healthier..to get out more..all the stuff that she tells me i need to do...and because i couldnt do for myself ..all body privacy was once again violated..but just not ready to get into that one...but i dont like being touched..or petted or laid against or any of it..and she does it on purpose..but then with these conversations she says she was a good parent and doesnt remember anything or didnt do anything bad and its like i cant wrap my head around any of it...how can she not remember ? i mean my memory isnt the greatest but gosh darn there are some things i am pretty sure on..things that have been remembered and brought up by my brothers and sisters...not me...and still she says no..she says it didnt happen... am i that stupid that i forgot everything ? but most of the time its not even me bringing stuff up to questions..its my brothers and sisters and im the one just listening ..and wondering because a lot of the time i dont remember ..and i need to think you know...and all it does is confuse me..make me doubt everything...but i know what she has said..what she still says..i know what she has accused me of..and said ive done...i know that because she still says it..and she hides it in that she says its better i hear from her before i hear it from someone else..and she is only trying to help me.. i dont think that is the kind of help i need

i just dont know...trying to keep it together ... and still just not really together..and now there are issues with controlling who is out and all of that..and not being able to keep things in order..and there are all the issues with the surgery and being in the hospital that has caused upsets too..and it feels like everything is juts completely on overload right now...

monday i have to go to work..i cant miss any more work..taking forever to do stuff or not..i cant miss anymore work..and that means that yes i actually do have to get up and do all the daily stuff...i have a lot of paperwork to catch up on tomorrow..so that it can all be turned in on monday...plus i have doc appts myself next week..and i think ive managed to schedule like 3 appts on the same freaking day and i dont remember..and its worrying me so so much..cas i dont know which doc im supposed to see when..and then trying to get back into a schedule with my clients and seeing them..and knowing that i cant be out all day just yet has me ready to juts cry in frustration...

i dont know what im doing right now...just trying to do what i can and leave what i cant alone..but i worry and stress and worry some more...-sigh-

Patience....or lack there of

I can be super duper patient with everyone regardless of what they may or may not have done..but when it comes to myself and my mom i have no patience what so ever...i want to push myself and then i hate myself when i fail...i cant do anything and the smallest tasks still tire me out completely...i went to the grocery store ..a  normal trip to the store..i dont think i did anything out of the ordinary..but well i just feel like i should be doing so much more..and im tired..so so so tired...i spent the morning laying down and finally got myself to get up and go to the store..still forgot a couple things..but really not even or than two hours..and im ready to fall over and take a nap..im so worn out...and it frustrates me...so so so much...-sigh-

can you handle the truth?

my mom was here for a full week..a full out week..and it was not easy...i tried hard to keep my temper in check and thankfully most of the time i wasnt feeling good anyway..bu this is mommy and mommy doesnt take being ignored lightly..

from the very first day she got here the questions and accusations started..what have i been doing..why is my apartment such a mess..why dont i talk to her more..what do i have to hide? etc

she asks me if she was a good parent..she says she was a good parent and i look past her and think about everything else..i remember the hitting and yelling..i remember the threats and the pain and the sadness..i remember wanting to die every single day and not being able to do it..not going through with it..i remember when i stopped crying..and i remember when cutting became my cry for help i guess..but by then it was just to late...to late to safe me..to late to look for me...to late to say you cared..to late for im sorry and i love yous..it was all fake..and wrong and i dont believe it..i dont want it..

mommy came and i was expecting some things..but not everything...she asks me if she has done something..she tells me to be honest..she tells me she was a good parent..that she gave me everythin i wanted..that i got to do so much stuff as a kid...but what i dont remember is being loved..i dont remember being hugged..and i dont remember being wanted..

i dont have answers for her questions..i dont know how to make her feel better..because it goes against what i am feeling...what i know...it makes me doubt what i remember..and it makes me wonder what is so wrong with me that i only remember the bad stuff...where is the good stuff?  where is the fun and all of the things that mommy is so sure she did for me..but pretty much i guess she is asking why i am so messed up..what is wrong with me? why dont i date more..why dont i go out more?  really when i do bother going someone im questioned to death about it..when i go on a trip im questioned so much its not even fun anymore..when i do go to visit a friend i have to call home multiple times a day to check in..for what??  what am i doing?  what does she think im doing ??

am i really the only one who remembers?  am i making this all up?  i remember the beatings..the hiding..the fear..i remember knowing on some level to never ever go to mommy for anything short of me dying on the floor..and even then i could question the need to really tell her or ask for help...no if i couldnt figure it out by myself then i just didnt need to know it..i was more afraid of her than i was of anything else..i am still afraid of her...she still controls me so very much and i still cant seem to break away from her completely..

while she was here this past week..i didnt realize that some of her questions made me doubt what i knew .. doubt the little bits and pieces that i did remember...she says she was a good parent..ok..yes we did travel a lot as children..we went to amusement parks and to visit family..we did all that i guess you are expected to do as a child growing up..in that extreme i guess i was lucky..ive traveled a lot of places...seen a lot of things...but at the same time ..we were all used against each other...my brothers and sisters  and i...i knew to be quiet ..but sometimes it was the simple little questions that would point out that someone was lying about something..and somehow i just got the short end of the stck at those times...

mommy says she doesnt remember..but how can she forget?  all the times i got the shit beat out of me for things i didnt do..only once i got a real apology..and again .it was one of those its a little to late for that...you cant take the beating back..how is she able to forget all the different things she used?  anything within range..brushes..brooms..extention cords.. the broken base board..the plastic baseball bat..switches..whatever she could find..and when that wasnt enough..she would stand behind me and tell me e verything that was wrongw ith me ..everything that was wrong with what i was attempting to do..which was most likely cleaning or something...how could she forget all the times she threatened to leave me at home ...while my brothers and sisters were free from the same rules that i had...they didnt have to do what i did..they didnt have to clean like i did..and then i was never ready in time and so i was threatened with being left..with not being included..

she hated me..so why couldnt i hate me? i just got better and better at it..and i hid it well...anything could set it off and beacuse i was saying it all quietly to myself in my head..no one even knew just how much it was that i hated myself..hated everything about me..tried to kill off the parts of me that i didnt like..or want..and i was reminded quite often that there were a lot of things about me that just werent good enough..how i was compared to my brothers and sisters..why couldnt i be like them..

she seems to have forgetten that she made me eat out of the toliet...that she beat me for stealing food..because i wasnt allowed to have what my brothers and sisters had...she swore i pushed my younger brother down the steps..and i dont remember..i try to tell her i dont remember..and then im just in even more trouble..how could i forget?? well damnit how can she forget?? all the embarrassing, humiliating things she did to me..in front of other people...she told me that i wasnt able to go out with my brothers and sisters on a holiday because i had to stay at home and clean...and i wasnt allowed to go..i watched as everyone else got to go to the movies or something and i was left to clean up...i stopped asking for help..there was never ever any point at all..

stay up at night and think about how to run away...wonder how no one saw the unhappiness...and well i didnt matter i guess...i had a mission to die and i was going to make it happen...why did i care..mommy threatened to kill me anyway..and i wanted her to do it..she had the knife and everything and would have saved me the trouble...but again another threat..another lecture about how im nothing and she hates me..but i couldnt juts leave...i needed permission..i wanted permission to just leave..and i have never gotten it..and so i am tied to her...and cant get away...but i am still the awful selfish one because i dont visit enough..i dont care enough..i dont give enough...

the times i did need protecting no one was there...except she was there..in a different room..but i was the good girl..she said go play and so i went..but the game i didnt like.. i guess after that i started messing up all my dolls and what not..trying to make them better..trying to kill them...hurt them and love them...that was the game..that was what i understood.. the more it hurts..the more love there is...mindless puppet..act without thinking..move and play and do without responding..dont hold me down..dont want behind me..dont stand behind me...dont give me an ultimatum for something i want..dont make me do something i dont want to do...

you worked hard to scare me into submission and now you wonder why i stay away from everyone???  why im afraid of men?  you taught me well...and then you called me a whore for my trouble..you swore i as a slut and that i would be caught...the naive child i was believed you and didnt understand what was supposed to be happening to me..what exactly was it that you were so positive i was doing?  what was it that i constantly needed to be punished for?? but no i never did end up pregnant did i? how said is it that i was well into college before i even understand the meaning of the words whore and slut..college?! but fear of being caught at something..paranioa at being caught ..kept me in line i guess..the mindless little idiot that i was..the clueless little idiot that i was...and it was that naive little kid that got pushed into the real world..a world i didnt understand and wasnt ready for...and still i messed up..i was a screw up..and everyone knew it..

what i was 3 the first time i tried to run away from what i was told by my older brother...after that i think i was watched more closely i guess..but even then i wasnt the center of attention..not that i know or remember..i dont remember ,,my life is slipping me by and still i cant seem to grasp on to it or keep up with itt..i still forget...i still dont remember...and at these times all i have is my silence..all i can do is lock myself away to keep myself safe..and with mommmy here and in my space..no i havent been feeling safe at all..

well this is my update for what is going on...

so much has happened..and i dont know where to begin really...im tired


ok well now that ive actually had this open for about 3 days..i think ill actually write...i need to write today as my thoughts are becoming overwhelming and i am sad..i am thinking to much..i an trying to keep resting and healing but at the same time worry is plaguing me...and im just afraid i think...


so what has happened?  gosh has it really only been two weeks?  I saw the surgeon again to just talk to about why the surgery was canceled..and that led to the surgery being rescheduled for the 20th of march..a week..i flipped out majorly..i was crying and sad and unable to cope at all for that week..i wasnt feeling well and then stressed about mommy coming and everything was just happening so fast ..and i was scared.. very very scared..but like all things the days kept moving and the surgery date got closer and closer ..and i was thinking about running away..disappearing..taking enough meds to juts knock myself out..anything to get myself to calm down and stop the freaking out..i met with the nurse at the hospital and had the procedure explained to me..what was going to happen..etc..it was then that i was told i would be pretty much naked..and that caused a whole different set of problems...the scars i have are only hidden if i am fully dressed...i couldnt be naked..i didnt want to be undressed..i couldnt be undressed...and again i flipped out...mom and sister came up the day before the surgery..and the day of the surgery i showed up..scared..anxious..wanting to be anywhere but where i was at...but i was there..it was a lot of waiting and finally i was taken back after having to force myself to go to the bathroom before the surgery could happen..but eventually i was taken away..and to the or waiting area..watching the nurses and docs and feeling so scared and anxious..finally told the nurse i was still partially dressed..blah blah blah...and had to finish getting undressed and all of that..finally i was given something to help me calm down and i was moved into the operating room at like 3ish..and then everything juts kinda happened all at once..and i know one of the nurses did ask about my scars and i told her something..and the masks and things were put on me and i was told to just breathe..and somehow the next thing i knew ..i was being told to wake up cas i was finished and the surgery was over..it was after 6 or so i think..i was going in and out big time.i know there was a tube down my throat when they tried to wake me up the first time..the next time i woke up it was gone but i was still having a lot of trouble with focusing and the nurse was telling me the surgery was over and that i had done well and i was just trying to tell him my throat was hurting or something..and after a while i was taken to my room..cas i had to stay over night..and mommy and nia found me in my room..and i was still trying to wake up fully and talk but was in pain and sleepy and fuzzy headed..they  stayed for a little while and then i told them they didnt have to stay at the hospital because my sister was pregnannt and not feeling well..so i told them to go home..and then they left and i was scared cas it was so quiet and dark and i couldnt do anything ...the nurse was really nice though..and was super energetic to be so darn late at night cas i called at random times for different things..mostly something to drink and to get up and go to the bathroom...i came to really like the nurses..i think i liked feeling like i was being taken care of..that someone was paying attention to me and bringing me things..and it was ok because i was supposed to ask..i got pain meds a couple times and did a lot of sleeping off and on...more random lab work..checks and other stuff..morning came and i was able to talk to my doc and he filled me in a bit more on the surgery and what had happened..and that the gallstones were all near and in the bile duct at the bottom of my gallbladder and he said that was probably causing a lot of the pain that i had been dealing with...so it was removed and the liver biopsy done too...he told me my liver was abnormal but that the results would come back in a couple days..but that i would find out more at my follow up appt with him in a couple weeks..but i was told i would be able to go home on thursday..and that i just had to go to the bathroom by myself..well that was the problem..i had to go to the bathroom but i couldnt and i tried and tried and still couldnt go..and so the doc decided that i would have to have a catheter because my bladder was super full and i wasnt going to the bathroom...i hadnt been to the bathroom in hours..almost about 24 hours by the time the doc came around...it had been long enough that the doc said i couldnt go home until i went to the bathroom by myself...

well the catheter had to happen and it took three nurses and i was trying hard not to cry because its not as if they were being gentle about the whole thing..i know it had to be done..but with them not knowing my issues already and me not telling them..well it was juts a big deal and overwhelming and a lot to deal with..and they got it in..after two or three tries..i dont remember but it took more than one try..and it was like me not being able to do anythign at all while the nurses are like holding me open and sticking the stupid cath in and looking for my bladder and all of that..and so they got it..and of course i went because well the tube was there and my bladder was full..but finally it was done and they were taking everything out and one of the nurses said something to me and i just started crying...dont know why..maybe i was just really truly overwhelemed and scared and having that whole thing done when i dont like being touched ..much less having anyone that up close and personal and just being embarrassed and upset and hurting and ugh..i was just a mess for a little while..i was able to stop crying after a few minutes..and the nurse did let me get up and sorta clean myself up a bit..because of course through all of this i still had my period .which just made it all worse in my opinion...but then i was able to calm down and get myself together....one of my coworkers stopped by and brought flowers..and then my mom and sister came and stayed until i was able to go home...i actually ate my lunch and was able to thankfully go to the bathroom on my own and was able to go home..

couldnt do anything at all i was in pain..and then having my mom telling me that i couldnt take the pain meds the doc had given me..and so i was hurting a lot and still trying to do things for myself and not able too...mom decided that i needed to get up and walk and her idea was that i needed to actually go out..like out in town walking and what not..i could barely get in and out of the car ..but i had to go and i had to walk..and the pain almost had me in tears and i just wanted to lay down and she wouldnt let me..and so she kept yellling at me about my breathing..cas i wasnt taking in deep breaths at all and my breathing juts got more and more shallow..finally though friday we came home and i just laid down and went to bed..i couldnt do anything else..saturday was a repeat...more out and about and me struggling to walk and do anything and not being able to get in and out of the car without help..and so by the time we got to having lunch that day i juts broke down and started crying again...because i was hurting and i hated that i couldnt do things by myself ..and that i needed them to help me..and i just wanted to be by myself and all i wanted to do was go home again and lay down..and my trouble with breathing was just getting worse...and i couldnt breathe..and not even laying down when i did get home got me to calm down and breathe...and so i ended up back in the er cas i couldnt breath...all sorts of tests done..all came back normal..no blood clots..no pneumonia..just not breathing in deep enough and getting in enough air...aand so  sunday i got to go back home...and again another day out and about and again my breathing got worse the more tired i got..and by this time i was feeling upset and not able to have my own space and having my mom here and telling me what to do..and what to eat and what not to do and just ugh..i didnt realize i was getting so triggered you know..and finally monday comes and tehy leave..and i did appreciate all they did for me..i really did..and do ..but i know i needed some time to myself...needed some time to just collect my thoughts and calm down from all that had gone on..and take things slowly..and take the pain meds.and juts rest you know...

and i guess that leaves me where im at today...feeling better overall..but still hurting a bit and still struggling with sleeping..because of pain...afraid to leave the house and what not...safe here ..not safe out in the world..trying to keep myself as sane as i can..and work on some work stuff to email in..and all of that today...i keep saying im gonna go out and see my clients but im afraid to drive..because i am still hurting u no..but i cant hide out in the house either...

but some things ha ve come up inside with mommy being here..and everything...and so just having to go a bit slower with things right now...

and no t this week..and ppossibly no t next week..not sure on that one yet...but hopefully ill talk to courtney today at least for a little bit..and get some things out..

i mean yeah things could be a lot worse..and i am starting to feel better..and the cats are back at home now..so now i just need to focus on getting better...and not over doing it...thats the plan...

but still feeling a bit on the sad side of things...i dont know

God, Religion, Anger

It is not often that I talk about my anger at god relating to my past and experiences and things...most of the time i just keep it to myself you know..becuase it is so hard to understand why it is that i am so mad..i dont understand why i wasnt helped..why no one noticed how unhappy and hurt i was..how could no one notice?? was i that invisible ?  did i deserve it that much ?  was i that bad  ?   i dont know. i dont understand..all the times i was forced to church and was told that praying and being good and following the rules was what i was supposed to do..that god would save me if i prayed hard enough..if i tried hard enough..and i prayed..i did..i prayed as hard as i could asking for help and i was left there...i was left to be hurt..i was left and my sister was taken..i was left to be hurt and picked on and abused..and after a while i just stopped trying to ask for god to help me..i figured i wasnt important enough to be saved..that i had done something so very wrong that there was juts not any help left for me...i thought about dying, killing myself, running away, car accidents, death, so many different things just to escape a life that i wasnt able to deal with..and instead i ended up staying there..i lived and am still living..but my mind is broken..my heart is broken..and my body is broken...how do you ask for forgiveness for all the things ive done ?  all the wrongs i have let happen or did myself..what forgiveness is left for me ? how do i find it ?  am i worth it ?

shame

shame is an interesting thing...sometimes i am not ashamed at all..and sometimes the need to hide and protect everything i possibly can dealing with the self harm is strong..and right now being in a situation where my body is not able to be completely protected..and i am afraid and ashamed...i cant hide if im not allowed to even wear my own clothes..and i count on my clothes to keep the bulk of the scars covered up and out of the way..vulnerable just doesnt even begin to cover it really..im just scared and tired and want this to be over with...now...

Sixx: A.M. Lyric video of SKIN off THIS IS GONNA HURT

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YL2b3DDp18



"Skin"

Paint yourself a picture
Of what you wish you looked like
Maybe then they just might
Feel an ounce of your pain

Come into focus
Step out of the shadows
It's a losing battle
There's no need to be ashamed

Cause they don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart

Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you've got
That you are not your skin

Oh [X2]

When they start to judge you
Show them your true colors
And do onto others
As you'd have done to you

Just rise above this
Kill them with your kindness
Ignorance is blindness
They're the ones that stand to lose

'Cause they don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart

Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you got
That you are not your skin

OHHHHHHHHHH

Well they don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart

Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you've got
That you are not
That you are not your skin

finding the truth does not really help...

i have been against the surgery since before i even knew i would have to have surgery...didnt want it..not possible to even talk me into it..and then im presented with a situation where surgery is really the only option..one that it has taken a good while to even accept...never got around to liking it or wanting it..but somewhere in my head i know what it has to be done..it will be done and now it is much to late to back out of it...that being said ..ive had a million and one excuses about what can go wrong..why the surgery is not a good idea..why i dont want to do it..what im afraid of...and in all of it..i have missed the biggest most obvious reason ever..and i feel super stupid for not getting to this before now..and now it is to late..and there is nothing at all i can do about it...

the problem is not completely the surgery..its not being in the hospital..its not having to deal with the doctors and nurses...yes being put to sleep freaks me out..but while talking to the nurse today i realized that the bigger issue for me is that im not going to be allowed to stay dressed...and will only have the hospital gown..and no other protection at all...no other safety between my scars and the rest of the world..there is no way to hide..and i am not comfortable with that at all..and there is nothing i can do about it..no i dont want to talk to the doctors about it or explain it..but they will not be able to be hidden from the nurses or the doc...information i conviently left out..because in my head i was able to stay dressed..and i didnt have to get completely undressed..and yet somehow it never crossed my mind that i would be pretty much naked..wtf am i going to do...with my own anxiety going on..now i get to add in mommys comments and directions..and i dont think i can handle it..im not so sure i can handle it...and i have to take so many things into account and it makes me tired..and sad..and ashamed...very very ashamed..which is why i just wish i was going to be by myself ..so that i wouldnt have to answer to anyone..so that i would be able to scrap up just a bit of dignity..and instead..i feel like im left with nothing at all..and so no i am not feeling safe ..im not feeling protected...im scared..and mommy coming does not make me feel better...no it just doesnt ...

:(

Silence

I am shutting down, withdrawing, I dont want to talk to anyone.  I dont want to be near anyone.   I just want to be left alone for now.  I am scared, nervous, and anxious, and it feels like I am running out of time. I dont feel safe, and my space will be invaded next week.  All these months of hurting may finally end and all I can think about is how afraid I am.  How much I dont want the surgery anymore. I dont care about the hurting.  I am afraid and I am sad and I no longer now how to even be heard about it.  I am tired of all of it at this point.  Im tired of the back and forth, the indecisions of the doctor, waiting, being afraid that I am dying.  I dont care how simple of a surgery this may be, and also because there is a chance that I will have to get the full out surgery and so still I will be walking into surgery without knowing completely what is going to happen. It may be simple. I may be more than that but I dont know.  Still I have all of these days of waiting to find out.  I cant do anything at all about it. I cant do anything and  I know I am being irrational, I know I am not thinking clearly at all.  I am currently very anxious and hurting.  I am supposed to be going in and having lab work done and things.  I say that like i am not going.  I am going and I hope it goes okay.  My fear has become an almost tangible thing.  The need to move, to hide is strong. I want to disappear, I want to be alone.  Maybe it is that my mom will be here next week for an undetermined about of time that is making me more anxious.  This is my space, my area, and my space is about to be invaded big time..

I wont have taji and bounce here either.  I am to worried about my sister being pregnant and around the cats/cat litter.  I am sad about it, very very sad about it but I am trying to keep everyone elses best interest in mind.  Not so much my interest per say.  I know they will be safe with my friend, but at the same time I am terrified that they will forget me,  they will no longer want me.  I am feeling very insignificant,  easily replaced, easily forgotten. I feel like i am abandoning them at a time when I need them the most.

At a time when I should be reaching out more for support, knowing that I am having a hard time dealing with this.  Instead I am hiding.  I am silent. I am just trying to make it through the day and the closer it gets to the surgery the more afraid I am. Im not even sure I can handle a session with Alice next week.  Im so worried about everything right now.  I feel like there is so much to do before mommy gets here.  I know she said that its ok and she knows that I am not a daily cleaner, but at the same time I know she will get here and I wont hear the end of it.  I will be reminded again and again of how useless and stupid I am.  I will just be reminded that I am lacking in some skill and told that I need to be ashamed of how I am living.  Again I will have failed at life in general.  Everyone asks if my mom is coming up and I say yes.  That is not an easy yes to get out, there is so much attached to that yes and so few people know the real turmiol that comes with mommy coming.  I would be considered the most heartless and selfish person in the world if i even tried to tell her not to come. 

I have switched back to survival mode.  I have to manage.  I have to be brave and not scared. I cant show fear, I cant cry.  Everything is building up inside of me, all the fear and pain and hurting. The uncertainties, the rushing, the push to get answers and not being able to. The constant fears of failing, of more hurting, and I know I am not dealing.  Yet right now somehow whatever it is that is holding me together is very fragile, easily broken.  Am I safe? Am I stable?  Will I die by accident in surgery and be put out of my misery? Finally. It wouldnt be a far jump to say I am feeling a bit suicidal.  The need to just numb everything out, to juts let everything go and leave me alone for a little while.  I want to lay down and not have to get back up.  Going into the hospital with fresh cuts is not a good idea. I know that.  There are other ways of hurting myself that dont include cutting at all.  That is all I think about. That is my only escape from life.