hmmm

keep wanting to write..but dont know what to say

im not liking this week much because theres no therapy cas its a holiday..and i dont even like therapy so it bothers me that i get this upset when i cant go..

guess thats all for now

things are changing...

i just want to scream im so frustrated right now...with work stuff..it shouldnt take 2 and a half hours to get dressed and shower..it shouldnt and im so upset with my cl...i really really am..and she just isnt getting it and its all just frustrating and hard today

lots of worrying going on today..

showed t my journal yesterday..thought i was going to die..waiting for her to read it..but she did and now she knows a bit more .. and im not sure what i think about that..it makes me nervous..but i did it..and they are moving offices..and im not going at all next week cas of the holiday..so worried about that too..and hoping ill be ok..

restless night last night. couldnt sleep, didnt want to sleep, i dont know which one it really was but was up until after 2. started to feel really closed in and trapped and something was bothering me but i didnt know what it was. it was hard to put a finger on and ended up going and sitting outside for an hour at 1 in the morning. i couldnt feel my fingers anymore by the time i came back inside but just sat outside and wrote and i was even afraid of writing last night. i think a lot of it was just fear about everything that is going on, trying to write to let t know what is going on becuase im really doubting the ability to say it. maybe if she knows it will be easier, maybe it wont be, maybe ill still go and sit and stare at the floor for an hour for the next month and it wont matter what she does or doesnt know. but she keeps telling me she wants me to be comfortable and feel safe and i just dont know what to tell her to make it better. and then its just harder because i get stuck an stop listening and stop thinking about what shes asking me. i cant answer her if im not even paying attention anymore. i dont know is my default answer to everything she asks. i dont really remember what i wrote about last night but it took an awful long time to write it. but i think it was important at the same time. i think it may have been something about refusing to accept things, and not being ok.

maybe im not as ok as i think i am, since t the other day the sadness is the most overwhelming thing. last night it was a little more than sadness because i just stood and looked at all of mommys meds from her surgerys and wanted to just take the vailum. and yea that prompted the sitting outside and writing instead of staying inside. rather freeze than take the pills, and it wouldnt have been an overdose or anything because well there were only 2 pills in the bottle but thats because every so often ill go and take one for the hell of it and just sleep the day away. but today its just back to the neverending sadness. but im at work and well yea thats all i can account for is that im at work..

more issues with the bank this morning and my lack of paying attention at times, and wanting stuff i dont need and cant afford is starting to become a bigger issue. i hate the overdraft fees and it really doesnt matter if its accidental or not that just me losing money. and my next paycheck is beyond depressing and just lots of worries about money again. i hate money.

no..the world hasnt ended just yet

this has been a semi hard weekend..it was a hard week..but just being stuck at home with no distractions is the hard thing..no babysitting just kinda traps me in the house and i cant really get/find the motivation to go anywhere..so ive been home today and yesterday and both days mommy just wouldnt let up and leave me alone..im trying so hard to deal with it and let it go and ignore it and its not that easy :(..but trying and not cutting is something i guess...3 months last week with no cutting..hard to believe because i think ive gone past the longest ive ever done..i dont think ive ever made it more than 3 months before..the urge to cut is lessening a bit and i am glad for that..i really am because i still feel so guilty for wanting it..its confusing..and friday was so weird but in a good way because by the time i got home i was feeling ok..no worries..no fears..no anxiety or anything..my head was empty but not in a bad way or anything..it was nice to just feel ok and be ok and not worried..and its been up and down since then but no huge issues...just small ones ...and chatting last night did help calm my nerves alot..

but with that not worrying i had lots of fre time to think about so many different things..and i watched this movie that was really good but one of the arguments that they had in the movie was how the kid was so worried about hurting his mom that he was going to end upp giving up his dream..and he talked about how he didnt want to look back on his life in regret and i wondered if that is what im doing..but ive thoguht about it and no i dont regret my life..yea there are things/mistakes i wish i hadnt done but i dont think i would go back and change my life..even in all its suckiness i think i owuld keep my life..so no not regret but i kinda view my life iwth a whole lot of sadness..i wish i had stuck up for myself more..i wish i had said what i thought, found out what it is i liked in life...and its like i have to do it now but now there so much other stuff to work through to figure out who i am and what i want..but thats the key isnt it ? figuring out, knowing what i want and being able to be confident in it..i havent figured that out yet..seems so simple...you know..knowing what you want ..and just going for out..but trying to find it is so hard..because it should be there and it most likely is but getting to it is a whole nother story..

and then i started to wonder if im doing the right thing..if working on all this stuff is a good idea..will it make a difference? is it worth it?

but yea thats what ive been thinking about this weekend..

and hmm actually started talking with t last week...thought i was going to die ..seriously i was fidgeting all over the place..i couldnt focus..and it was really upsetting talking and trying so hard to get words out..but i did for a bit and then as usual i got to a certain point and just couldnt get anything else out..and then she took over and started talking and reassuring..and it helped but i dont think anything can make the fear go away...and she told me before i left that i didnt need to go and punish myself for talking..that i didnt need to go and cut or think about dying..that it was ok..which shocked me into thinking about something else completely..because i do think that underneath it all i think i was thinking that on some level..that i was bad and had to be punished..that i had to cut because thats the only thing that would help..that would make it better...and i was soo scared and upset when i left..just about everything.and i was worried i would go and do something stupid..or that i wouldnt be safe with myself ..and i havent cut..i didnt do anything..yea it helped that i had to go to a work thing after i left her..cas good grief it got me completely sidetracked..i had to talk and interact and i wasnt just stuck in my head..and i did feel more settled at least by the time i left and went home..still a bit on edge..but was a lot better..and so in one sense ive been alot better..headwise this weekend than ive been in such a long time..so maybe thats a good thing..i dont know..i wonder if i talking really was the deciding factor ..like make it or break it..and it is so hard to deal with ..talk or not talk..and i talked and well i didnt die in the process..but i dont know still...still really worried about it..

but gotta go and get dressed..cas going to dinner with mommy and her friend and im not to interested in going but need to get out of the house..so guess ill go and sit in silence for a couple hours..

....

worried about t tomorrow...worried that will go to t and it will be another hour of almost complete silence on my part :( its like all this stuff is there to say and cant say it and t is ending up guessing in a way and i cant seem to give a straight answer on anything.. afraid to give her the journal because alot of the writing is turning into this back and forth dialouge and i dont know how to explain it cas it just happens ...and most of what has been writing lately is about cutting or dying...and supposed to be thinking about trust and something else that ive forgotten...and it makes me feel bad because we do trust t..but maybe i dont trust her enough..but how come knowing i trust her isnt enough? she hasnt done or said anything to make me think otherwise...and she isnt pushing the hospital or even meds on me..and heck i even call when things get really bad..and still thats not enough i dont think..but i dont know what is missing or what it is that i need...and she trusts me to stick to my contract and everything and then i do feel bad cas she does all this talking about stuff and im just thinking about ways to get out of the contract or wanting to tell her its not her fault if anything happens..or a constant no to her questions and things she says..and i know that some of it is just automatic responses..and some of it is just refusing to hear what she is saying right then..im just scared that i will go and see her and one of these days she will tell me that she is tired of trying to get it out of me and that i cant be helped or fixed or whatever

thinking..

ive decided ...

no im not going to va with yvonne..to visit yes..to stay and live together again..no not right now.. im just not wanting to live with someone else again .. i miss having my own place, i miss my space to do whatever i want..

if i move now..i want to go back to asheville..i really do..but im not actively looking for a job up there either..because yes i want to move but i dont really have to move that far away..and if i move ill stop therapy and now prolly isnt the best time for that. so i will keep looking for a job around here but i am going to wait until after dec to start more indepth again...just right now isnt the best time to add on more stress ... it will just make me more stressed out and i cant deal with any more stress right now..

i want to go back to grad school..but i want to give it another year at least..maybe two before i tackle that issue..but i do want to go..i will go back to school. i dont know what i want to do just yet but i am going to go back.

im not going to be at home for christmas .. im going with yvonne to her grandparents..and i let mommy know today the dates and everything and so she knows i wont be here..and she is ok with it..for now anyway..shes ok with it..and so thats one less thing for me to worry about..i am a bit worried about going and being ok..but ill try to save that until we actually leave and go there..this will be the first time ive ever not been at home for christmas..its odd..and does make me nervous..and because of going out of town..i know now isnt the time to get hooked into a new job either and then take off for a week...im ok with waiting ..until after the holidays..maybe it will help take off some of the stress..but if i wait then i know i have got to catch up on paperwork stuff...

but i will make a goal so that i dont forget..that by feb i want another job..i will have my 2 years experience...maybe ill be ok with moving possibly farther away from my therapist now and being ok with starting over..but for now ill just have to deal with being at home and just keep going to therapy..and hoping that ill let her help me..

i really hope ill let her help me

i wish you enough

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

--

i got this in an email yesterday and i have read it countless times since then..it makes me think i guess..because yes i always want more..i always want what i dont have, what i cant have..but im not fine with what i do have..i ignore what i have in hopes of getting more, im hopes of getting something better..and that is not fair at all..because then i end up ignoring all the people that do care about me, i miss out on a lot of the fun, happy things i do because im always so intent on planning for whats happening next..for wanting so much more..and i understand its fine to want more..to want the best..but not at the cost of forgetting what it is you do have..and i think ive gotten so caught up in wanting to get better..to be better..to be like everyone else that i just dont pay attention to who i am..i dont know who i am..who i am has just gotten lost in the shuffle of staying alive and making it through the day..its like i dont have time to be myself because im always trying to be someone else..to live up to someone elses expectations of me..its not fair to me..im missing out on my life..and no this isnt the only reason but it is a big one..because underneath all of this is whether or not i like myself..if i am putting enough time into being ok with who i am..and i know i dont..i dont like myself..i dont like who i am or what i did..im not trying at all to like myself ..im trying a little harder to give myself a break..to not criticize so much..but still no where near being ok with myself or liking myself..and its not fair you know..

but again i know its one of those things that i have to decide..i have to be ok with..and accept and live with..

accept that im not like everyone else..its ok to be sad or happy or hurt or angry without needing to act on the impulses..

its up to me..and i just take a bit longer to figure things out..

what do i wish for myself? what is it that i want to do?

..

whats the right thing to do ?


i dont know

just..i dont know

just keep thinking..im tired .. i dont want to do this anymore.. i dont want any of this anymore..

went to therapy yesterday instead of today..because i actually called and left a message for her..and she let me come yesterday..and we talked about a lot of stuff..

i asked her why she cared..and if she trusted me..

she asked if i trusted her...and i told her i did and i do..but i think all she told me before i left about her caring was what i needed to hear the most..because yes i was thinking..planning on a way to get out of the safety plan thing..and she said she respects that i want to try to work on all of this with out going to the hospital..which calmed my nerves alot..also told her i was really worreid that she would be mad at me..and we talked about that a lot too..she did a lot of reminding me that it was ok to talk to her..ok to be there..that she couldnt tell anyone..outside of the suicidal stuff if i had a plan and hurting someone else..which i do understand..but left her feeling calmer at least..not so great today but will continue to try..

think will be doing a lot of writing today..tomorrow..over the weekend..

writing isnt the same as talking...i can write..its ok to write..its not ok to talk though..its just not..and if i dont tell her she doesnt know what to say to make it better or help me make it better..

lots to think about

-sigh-

just tired
drained

a part of me has just given up completely and i dont know how to get it back..

also talked about me moving to va..with yvonne...something else i think about but am afraid to commit too...cas i think it could be a possibility..but im not sure i want a roommate again..no i wouldnt mind her..but just in general..im not sure i can deal with it...living near her fine..but not together..but just the thought of moving makes me stop breathing..crap today almost lead me to having a panic attack and its been a couple years since ive been that stressed out..ha it was around the time i graduated..and moved..but anyway..i have been thinking about it some...and refusing it just as quickly..im not even sure what my argument is...

:(

today really has been a very not so good day..

most of the day i just fought off crying because things were so overwhelming..

woke up before 5 again..still not used to the time change yet...throwing off my sleep schedule...

today has been one of those days where everything is just going wrong..i keep losing everything..it takes me a million tries to get things out of my car because i cant remember what im supposed to be doing..my computer isnt working right and now i cant even get my work stuff off of it..the usb port isnt working and so it wont read my flash drive or my printer and this morning i figure this out at like 6:30 and its like freaking a this cant be happening..but the one time in weeks i actually try to get my work stuff in on time and some of the late stuff i cant even get my computer to work..and its just frustrating because now its turned into this huge deal and my comp works on wireless but not at home so i cant even stay home and email all my work to myself just to go and hope i can print it all off somewhere..without having to pay for it..and almost was ready to cry because it was so overwhleming..and then i got a message about some bank stuff and that was a loss of a good amount of money cas i wasnt paying good attention to what was in the bank and ..yea its just a crappy crappy day..and the longer it goes on the more i just want to say screw it and go back to bed..

went to t..and really almnost regretting i didnt back out of it..but that would have made me feel even more guilty..talked some about the crappy day..and how everything just isnt working out today..talked some about cutting..managed to confuse the t because i cant completely tell anything all at once and so its like piecing it all together without knowing where the pieces are..like t mentioned last week..but eventually i got around to telling her that umm things werent ok without the cutting..and then it was like shut down time in my head...and i kept thinking that if i said anything else something bad would happen..spent a heck of a lot of time looking at her door...trying not to cry..finally told her that i didnt know what to say cas i was worried she would be mad at me..and then stopped talking completely..listened to her for a bit..and then got to leave..she asked me to think about it more..and that we would talk about it next time..but may not be going on fri if she has to go out of town..and not sure even how i really am..lost in thoughts a million miles away..a lot of fear going around..upset feelings for saying anything..and its like im calling myself a big mouth but darnit but i said for the entire hour wouldnt even add up to like 20 mins :-/ justt feeling really lonely and upset...but once again no clear idea why...

disappointed..and other stuff

im feeling really disappointed in myself right now..well tonight.. i know im not ok..i know that last night i was seriously thinking a lot of not so good stuff..i didnt just want to cut but i was willing to cut just to get my head to stop..i was thinking that i would just cut and get it over with but then i started thinking it would be even more disappointing to cut and not have the same feelings as before.. i was worried that i would ruin my 80 or so days and then it doesnt work..and that would be really disapointing..and then having to tell that i did it.. i wanted to cut my arms .. i was willing to show them..but what would be the cost of giving in..i didnt last night but i wanted too..i kept thinking that i had to call her but i didnt want to because i didnt know what to say..i didnt know what i was thinking and i couldnt put it into words..i just wasnt ok..and so i did the bare minimum to get away with it but still the guilt over calling and hanging up without leaving a message kept me in check i guess..so i didnt do anything last night..eventually came home and took some sleeping pills and just went to bed..because i didnt know of anything else to do to keep myself safe enough i guess..but that worked i guess..i was sleep by 9:30 and then i had to wake up at 4:30 to take mommy to the airport..and freaking a the meds werent out of my system yet and so im struggling to drive and stay awake when all my eyes want to do is close and i just wanted to sleep..and it was so hard driving and keepiong focus this morning..hmm but then i went to see linda and i knew i asnt ok..i knew i was feeling suicidal and all this other stuff and i didnt tell her..i coudlnt tell her and i dont even know why... and thats why im feeling so disappointed in myself..like i knew it and i didnt let her hepl me...i feel calmer from seeing her but the feelings are still there and i didnt tell her and if i do anything its like crap..what wil she think? will she be mad at me..im very worried she will be mad at me..that really scares me..if i stress about it enough maybe ill tell her next week..maybe ill collect my thoughts enough to write it down and show her..i dont know..but its worrying me alot..and i guess it will all weekend...im upset i didnt call her when i knew i needed to talk to her..i got through it well enough but i just know talking to her would have made it a little easier..and then she would have known before i came today.. but it still involves me talking and telling her and im still not so good at voicing whats wrong..i still have a lot of trouble asking for help...asking her for help..letting her know whats wrong..i dont even know whats wrong most of the time..but we are going to back off from past stuff..because its just so hard and i dont know so much of it..maybe it will help..maybe it will give me time to chill out and calm down a little bit before trying to go back into it..theres plenty of other stuff to not talk abut im sure..if only i wouldnt get so distracted..-sigh- lots of thoughts in my head right now..

but onto a different subject...theres this photography show at the library in a couple weeks..and anyone can submit pictures.and i was umm thinking o f submitting some.but im nervous and cant decide if i want to or not..i mean i have som good pictures i think but just knowing i will be showing them someplace like that and have my name on it and ppl looking at it ..and the attention..oh it makes me so nervous and scared..but i want to ..i think i want too..and theres the option of selling them..and i have no idea how to price a snapshot! still thinking about it...wondering..worrying..cant decide just yet..

and now im so cold i cant think straight..mommy says no to turning the heat on..and i can no longer feel my feet. im shaking to much to do aynthing

from yesterday

this came up in therapy today and im not sure yet what i think about
it..

it seems so simple to ask for persmission to remember..but from who am
i asking? why do i even have to ask..when they are supposed to be
memories. and when it came up inside it was like i watched myself just
kinda standing in front of this huge wall...trying so hard to get
around it ...running into it again and again..and its like crap all i
need to do is get around it and i cant..its like knowing where
everything is at..everything i want to know and well dont want to know
is behind the wall and i just dont know how to get to them..it gets in
the way..its so frustrating..and the more i think about it the more i
wonder if asking is even enough...

i really dont know

feeling so confused and just out of it right now..wanting to just shut down completely and not deal with anything else..tried to remember things from the past..just the little stuff and besides being really dejected that there was nothing to remember..it was just made me feel really sad..talked some about the stairs thing..but couldnt remember what the 'trouble' was...yes something happened but as to what it was exactly im not sure :(...but then we talked about houses and well i remember one..but questions came up because the one we remember there wasnt a basement but we are positive one of the houses had a basement..so it was like remembering a house and a half in the vaguest way possible..wasnt sure if we moved or not..it was really bothering me so i went and asked mommy tonight while we were out..just asked how many times we moved living in the city...4 times..we lived in four different places..2 of which there is no memory of at all..how do you forget moving 4 different times? moving is a huge deal..packing and unpacking and putting things away..4 different houses..and i remember almost nothing? why is that? i dont know..and its really upsetting..its hard to explain away something that big...forgetting one yea maybe..2 ok fine..bad memory..or to small to remember...but freaking 4 is a bit much to not be remembering ... no thats just not ok...feeling really anxious and upset...and completely lost and sad

today

feeling better about things today. still just kinda processing it all and overall things are back to where they usually are between us..and i think she is waiting for me to bring it back up but since im not sure yet just what to say about it i havent said anything...and i have been thinking about it a lot trying to figure out where i stand on it..because in truth i am hurt she told because that is something that i end up having to explain..because then all the questions start..but i also know they are valid questions if you can look at a picture of me and my siblings and wonder why none of us look alike.. but I cant decide..

but yes it is better today..

and that being said today was sooooooo very unexpected in what actually happened vs what i planned to do..cas what i planned like going to the movies just didnt happen lol...and i ll going home didnt happen either...still at yvonnes house go figure ;) but it was a big deal because today i was supposed to go home to do stuff before mommy got there but she got home early last night and i saw no point in going home and being stuck there for the rest of the day...so instead i agreed to go to the state fair..and it turned out to be a lot of fun. i didnt ride any of the rides but i did win a huge huge hello kitty! and had ice cream with sprinkles and a funnel cake cas those are like the only reason i go to any type of fair lol..and yvonne bought me a really pretty glass snowflake ( that has been named snowie..seriously) and its hanging up in my car :) and it is really pretty...and i got 2 wooden roses a purple one and a blue one..and really wanted to go back and get like a few more but i was starting to feel really freaked out from how crowded it was and all the ppl there..and i looked at the flowers and the gardens and all the booths..and played the games ..thats how i won the hello kitty..the first game i played and i won ! it was pretty awesome and exciting..and i was really worried about going and being ok because well its the state fair its huge and today was the last day so it was really crowded..and traffic was horrible! but it was helpful being there with yvonne and it really was fun...i walked in and saw all the booths and all the different foods and it was like i want everything! so settled on ice cream first lol..and ran around town for a bit when i left there..and it got to be to late for me to drive home tonight and talked to mommy to let her know and she did her usual thing and i guess shes mad ive been gone all i weekend.. i dont know..but im not sorry i stayed..im really not..and yea its going to bite horribly that ill have to drive home in the morning but it will be ok..better than falling asleep driving tonight! so now i am feeling more settled..still having really not ok thoughts about stuff that happened in the past and its hard to deal with..but its better today i think..

long long day

i wonder if picking at scabs counts as si...i notice sometimes we are doing that a bit more than usual..picking at the legs or fingers when feeling nervous..dont know..i dont think im going for the pain factor because its not huge..but well i dont know..just picking at stuff..nothing big or anything and i think im just talking in circles right now.. head is all over the place and i dont know its been one of those days where things just kinda happened..came to help out yvonne and take her to go and get her car..which i didnt really mind you know..i wasnt doing anything else and it would have been something to keep me busy..but that turned into sitting at the car dealership for almost 8 hours...and i think it was just the combination of everything that slowly kinda led to us just starting to freak out about everything..not feeling well and being stuck in one place all day..and couldnt leave because would have felt majorly guilty about it...she got a car that she isnt great at driving yet ( a manual) and i dont understand why she did it when she is having so much trouble with it and getting so frustrated with it..and its stalling in traffic and what not and she gets agitated and starts yelling which in turns puts me on edge..and i mean yea its a pain a huge pain learning to drive stick and that i understand but i guess being stuck doing it at the end of a long long long day just made it worse and im sure it will be better once she gets the hang of it..but then teaching me to drive her car is next on the list and thats not gonna go over so well because i tried it today a couple times and seriously freaked and just stalled the car completely..and i dont know..blah its been a hard day..keep drifting off and thinking about so much stuff..getting hard to distinguish whats past and whats present..and found out that r friend shared something with her roommate that she promised not to share..and it was really surprising and hurtful ..and she apoligzed because it was brought up by her roommate and my first reaction was just crap why did you do that...its upsetting and hurts because i keep thinking that if mommy ever found out i told then you know more trouble for me to deal with..but i can understand it was an accident and im not sure if im upset or just disappointed about it all..and she has been saying sorry about it all night and trying to let me know that she is really sorry and im not making it easy for her at all..im not trying to be mean but i havent managed to catch up in my head all thats going on..and what she told was about family stuff and its like thats what we were talking about in therapy this week and that makes it even harder to process and deal with...so i dont know what to do..i dont want to talk about it and havent said much to her about it but i know it will have to be resolved at some point..because otherwise it will just turn into this huge deal.. but i dont know..part of me just wants her to be upset and feel bad about it be cause she broke the promise..and that really does make me feel bad..and im doing a whole lot of feeling bad today..really big urge to just get away from it all..i dont want to be inside but its dark outside so i dont want to be outside but i do ... and she also mentioned how i deal with being frustrated and how i dont yell and curse and what not..and she was comparing herself to me and it was not ok at all that she did that because then i felt like a hyprocrite..because shes telling me how well i deal with being frustrated and i just sat there and listened and kept thinking crap its all just a big lie..and if she really knew what was behind all the scars she has seen she wouldnt say that at all about me..and i didnt say anything at all..

lost in my head

...a ramble...

talked about family a lot in therapy today..and talking about it makes me realize just how much i dont know about it..i grew up with all of these people and dont remember then...we counted today..at times there were up to 11 or 12 ppl living in the house at a time..and i dont remember..how can i not remember..i couldnt even describe the first house we lived in..i knew nothing about it..what color it was or how many floors there were, or bedrooms or anything..i didnt remember..i lived there for 8 years and couldnt recall anything about it..after i left her i remembered the basement and something that got me in a lot of trouble..but that was after i left..i didnt remember moving to nc..but we did .. i know they added on to the house because we needed more bedrooms..i remember ppl coming and going..stay out of mommys way when she was at home..and its just that it makes me feel nothing to think about it..i cant imagine being an only child..if you put a toy down there was always someone there to pick it up and take it..everything was shared..nothing was really truly your own in a way..there were a lot of us but for some reason it was never crowded..you had your space in some aspects...none of the doors locked..none of the doors lock now cept the ones that go out..the bedroom doors dont lock..the bathrooms ddont lock..nothing locks..always check for locks..always need to see the door...

nevermind

today

(from this morning)
not really been feeling good lately...think its just a cold..or the starting of one..took meds last night and felt a little better cas couldnt sleep..but headache is back again and its so cold in the house becasue mommy said its to early to turn the heat one..and no one keeps socks on..and yea just feeling kinda miserable right now..( and for the record..no running out to the car with no shoes on when its freezing outside is not a good idea!!)

debating going to work..actually the way things are moving right now i really am going to be late but just not feeling good..need to stop by the store and pick something up..the correct meds for what ever it is i have..

had a weird half dream last night because i swear i wasnt sleep..but i was seeing it anyway..and t asked if i would start writing them down..so guess i will.although just thinking about it, it seems so easy to kinda read into but im not sure im liking what i think about it...but anyway here it is

i was going to pick up this cup ( i think it was a cup..) a coffee cup kinda cas there was a design of some sort on it..and as i was getting it, it just broke apart..and i was upset but then it was like ok the pieces are really big it can be put back together..and i went to get the pieces and was picking them up and they all broke into even smaller pieces..and that was even more upsetting..because i didnt know why it kept breaking..but they were still fixable..so i go and pick them up again..only they break again..and so on until i cant pick them up anymore..its all dust and it cant be fixed anymore...


dont know if there was anything after that...

i already know what i think about it but if anyone else has any ideas/insights feel free to share.

dusti is being funny and wanting to sleep on my back at night..so now its rather fun to just move around and she how long it takes her to get off! cas she will stand up and kinda wait for me to stop moving around and then lay back down..or grab onto the blanket until i stop moving but not get off lol..i actually had to get up before she really moveed!

hmmm but guess i better get going.

(and later)
was thinking on the way to work..not good i know lol..but someone was reminding me of what happened the first time we worked away from home for the summer..and how much we were able to be ourselves in the middle of being so far out of our comfort zone..but in the program i was working at we had to make daily goals..and actually work on them throughout the day..and most days we made really meaningless goals..but some days we made good ones about learning a new skill and stuff and would actually go and work at it..and when we were on the staff hike..yes 4 long miserable ( ok maybe not so miserable ) days in the woods..and accomplished all this stuff we set out to no matter how small it was you know..and the supervisor and other staff would just kinda tell me how proud they were that i was able to set a goal and actually work towards completing it..not giving up...they told me they were proud of me and then i was like the person who always did what she said she was going to do..heck somewhere in my head i can still make a campfire..i dont like doing it and will prolly never need the skill again but i learned how to do it..if i had to i could do it and not burn anything down in the process lol..cant believe i had forgotten that..that was one of the best times ever...even with all the stress involved working with the kids..it was still a really big deal you know...maybe all i need is a push in the right direction..and someone telling me that i really am doing it even if i dont think i am..

just a ramble

(and now)
feeling a huge urge to write today. i dont know what about but its like something is just going back and forth in my head and i dont know how to put words to it. really am missing my paint and things that are in storage and we can not get too. writing helps but something more hands on would be helpful too..mommy is going out of town this weekend and i cant say that im not happy about it. i would be happier if the nephew was gone too but thats just a whole nother issue all by itsself..maybe feeling a little nervous about t tomorrow..hmm yea not a huge deal or anything but just a nervousness that always surrounding going to see her..

went and voted today...glad that is over and done with!..one less thing to worry about..leaving work in a little bit and maybe just going home is a better idea...maybe read or just chill out a bit...been a long long day!!!

update of sorts

i realize i havent been writing here all that much..last week sucked and i didnt really want to write a lot anywhere..didnt do much but show up to work last week and well therapy..this week is a bit better..head not feeling so fuzzy and so i guess thats improvement.. im a slacker and still majorly behind on my paperwork and turning it in..to the point of messing with my paychecks now..thats lovely...my fault for not doing it ..but im just not interested in it anymore and thats bad..very very bad because if i dont do it then i dont get paid and thats not even enough to motivate me anymore..crap..depression has some part in it too..not wanting to do anything and just wanting to stay in bed and not even go to work in the first place..being at home is just getting harder and harder to deal with..and im looking for a new job i am but right now its not going so fast because im sick of looking and its a pain and its just more stress..and i start to freak out about everything when i start looking...but i know ill have too..even if i means giving up the cls i work with now..even if they dont want me to leave..if i cant keep up with my bills then its not ok..and i cant lol..so its not really ok..and its hard this month but next month is going to suck even more money wise..at least gas prices are going down..thats helpful...

yesterday i freaked out before therapy and seriously went to hide in the bathroom..questioned how long i could stay in there before anyone came to look for me..stinks that the doors are locked in the first place..creepy too..but eventually i made myself get out of the bathroom..but later on in the day i realized that i freaked out but didnt think of cutting at all..tried to remember what happened and what i was thinking about and it was mostly just me telling myself to calm down and being annoyed that i picked right then to freak out..but i didnt consider cutting..i dont know why..i dont even know how i managed to not do it..but i did..its slightly disbelieving you know..ive gone through so many different ranges of cutting and now even though i do have an entire pack of new razors ..the best ones no less..i still havent used them..havent even looked them..cas if i do ill remember that i really do want them and not be able to talk myself out of it..and yea there are still lots of times when i want them so very much and would do almost anything to have it but then the stupid little nagging voice reminds me that i have to call linda ..and i hate talking on the phone and well admitting that something is wrong..because its never just oh i want to cut and thats it...no its a long and drawn out process that i try hard not to think about.. and i also keep telling myself that its a choice..i remind myself of that a lot throughout the day now..its a choice and i have to make it good or bad..i have to remind myself that i dont have to cut..i want to ..id give up breathing some days to have it..but still the underlying thought is that i dont have too..crap linda has told me that so many times im actually remembering it..major crap..

lovely

therapy is staying at twice a week for now