annoyed

what did i ever do to anyone at all to make things so freaking miserable for me...its been decided im moving and this time i just dont really care..im to upset to cry this time and its more of just being like ok fine..where exactly do they think i have money hidden at so that i have to fix there stupid mistake and then pay more for it..i dont like it and i just dont like that they can screw up and im the one who has to pay to fix it..so ill let my lease run out but im looking for another apartment starting now..well starting the other day since i asked around the office for apartment book things since i was going to be moving..so now i have to borrow a lot of money from mommy that ill have to pay back in a few days..im off of work for now and i dont think ill be making it back before lunch..the way things are going now i dont think ill make it back after lunch either..im waiting for a phone call from mommy and then ill be able to figure out what i have to do..

i found out yesterday that the kid causing a lot of problems in our group is going to be going home today...right up until i found out he was actually going home i wanted him to leave..but as soon as i found out it had been done i felt really guilty for asking them to look into it..but then i think of all the things he has thrown at me and how he stomped on a 4yr old and i dont feel so guilty anymore..if he had gone of the rafting trip we are taking tomorrow and then done something to really hurt someone while we were in the middle of a river it would have been bad and that company wouldnt want us to come back...so for the best he is going home...
the session is almost over..camp is almost over..its been a really long and draining summer..nia was right the second year is harder than the first..a lot harder ..i was thinking last night about what i would say as my reasons for leaving if i had to get a new job..it was interesting because its like well i had kids who threw stuff at me, hit me, completely curse me out and tell me im mean and evil and hated them..etc etc and then i had kids who i saw again and got to work with saw how much they had grown up and matured and remembered what we had worked on last summer...its weird how the small stu ff can suddenly become the big stuff..but oh well..the semester programs are running into trouble because no one wants to work for the program manager..and they were stupid and fired jim and now theres no one to work..all the perspective ppl are saying no..not many of the summer ppl are planning on sticking around for various reasons..and its like ok theres a problem somewhere and linda needs to figure out what it is..im staying only because i said i would and after i talk to jon and things dont change ill let linda know im leaving too...but it will really suck if things dont change because i liked the semesters i just dont like being treated like i have no idea what im doing and picking up the slack of the manager and being blamed for everything that goes wrong..that isnt cool and im not doing it again for another 4 months...its not like i have to stay..i want to stay but i dont have to..i want to stay in aspen and i was talking to jim about the new life school and whether i would want to work there..i dont want to go to the boys school though..maybe ill even try my luck at one of the other programs and move out of state..i dont know..if at all possible i want to stay in aspen though..but i think ill start looking into some of theiir other programs and see which ones i like...but now i have to go

i just want to scream

hmm before i get started on my rant for the past couple days..i would like to mark down in history that today i was complimented by linda on my being calm in stressful situations..that aside i just dont even know where to begin ..i know ive learned all the restraints but its always with the assumption that i would just know it and never really have to use it..ive helped in restraints but never done a complete one on my own..but thats all changed now lucky me...im with the boys again and its the youngest group of boys they are so small and so cute..they are 8 and 9 and for most of them this is the first time they have been away from home..but overall they are just cute kids..but as in every group there is one kid who just makes things a lot harder than they need to be..the first day he freaks and starts breaking stuff..he threw rocks at us ..he destroyed my harry potter book..the one i just bought and he ripped pages out of it...im still upset about that and im not sure it will be going away any time soon..he had to give me the money to replace it but that book was all i wanted and had just bought when he decided to get back at me from telling him to stop something and messed it up..so anyway got through that...next day he freaks about something else and throws a waterbottle and hits another kid in the head..overturns a flowerpot and completely stomps on a 4yr old...i saw it happen and dont think ill ever forget him picking her up and throwing her on the ground and then stomping her in the back..so i did my job and pulled him to the ground..that i didnt like and i still dont..it makes me so mad thinking of him and knowing he didnt care..he hurt her because he was bigger and she was in the wrong place at teh wrong time...he has no remorse..i dont trust him i dont want to be around him..but he isnt going to be sent home at all...today he was restrained again by me because he tried to trip some kid on purpose and it was just because he was mad and wanted to hurt someone else..i couldnt believe he did it like just reached out and grabbed this kids ankle and laughed as he fell...he could have been in a lot more trouble..i grabbed him and moved him..but its like why do we have to be stuck with him..yea we got back and gave linda the whole list of things that he did and he was left to sit in front of the office to think it over..but seriously i dont get this kid at all..he is so smart and he does things like this?! y? i just dont know what we are supposed to do..i hate running to the office for help with a kid but seriously ive done everything im supposed to do to calm him down or talk to him or get him to do his consequences..and it doesnt woork...its killing my energy..right now all i want to do is have the summer end so we can move on and do something else..im tired of the summer stuff..its to crowded and way to overwhleming with all the noise and activity sometimes..i dont get how it can be so bothersome sometimes and i cant handle it but then sometimes i dont care at all..maybe im just to tired..ive been called mean and evil to many times to count..ive been told im hated and its like are you kidding me? ive had ppl i work with stand up for me and its like ok maybe im not mean..and i do try hard not to take what they say to heart but it gets hard...but hmm on to other stuff

kinda annoyed that ive been single staffed with 8 kids, one of whom is in need of a lot of extra help..and its like are you seriously telling me that you are pulling my costaff off of trail to do airport runs and leaving 2 staff to 15 kids? ugh its so annoying and tiring...in a million and one ways..im upset that i was left to work with the one person i really didnt want to be with and it stayed that way because no one else wanted to work with her and so i was left with her..its annoying..and it makes me wish harder for summer to be over and done with..i dont get her at all either and its like she spends so much energy trying to put on a good face for the office staff that its kinda sickening...i dont have enough energy to be that fake and its just ugh i want to tell her to give it a break..if you stay the entire summer that should say enough..but she tries to hard to seem like the perfect counselor..and she treats me like i have no say in some things..ive been here longer and i know how things go...its not a matter of whos better or not..its who can deal with everything thats thrown at them without cracking in front of the kids..and keeping their best interest at heart..i guess its hard seeing how much people can change depending on who they are around and who they are trying to impress..

all of the work stuff aside im thrilled to say i was a spazz and forgot about a couple bills i was supposed to be paying..and now they are late..still trying to figure out the loans stuff im supposed to be paying back and then all the fun reg bills..life is just a bunch of bills so ive decided once again..life is grand..but i was in walmart the other day and found crayons for 20cents and glue for 20 cents and got a new planner..maybe it will help me keep track of things better..i dont know if it will help or not..found out mommy is redoing the life insurance stuff on me..fun..i have to turn in the health insurance stuff..boo..and im losing track of everything right now so i guess im done

hate it

most of the time i dont really care about swimming at camp..id rather not be wet and have to be stuck blow drying my hair..but then some days i just really do want to go swimming and i cant anad it sucks..i have to plan for swimming because i have bathing suits but i dont let anyone else see them since i always swim fully dressedd..but its just a hassle and i hate all the stupid scars right now

sitcoms

wouldnt life be fun if it could be based off of sitcoms? any problem could be fixed in 30 mins...and hours if its really big..families somehow magically manage to be able to relate to each other no matter how big or stupid an issue may be..there is always some one there that magically has a answer to everything..when i was big into watching calliou all the time i thought about it then..that was like the perfect little cartoon family ..it still is but i dont have time to watch it as much anymore..but for all the shows i do watch that are sitcoms the old ones like boy meets world and step by step and family matters and a different world..everything has an answer..i wonder why things cant really be like that all the time ? and i guess if it was nothing would be as challenging or seem as important maybe..but maybe if it was like that then the world wouldnt be so screwed up..

im really really tired right now..like seriously all my energy has drained out of me..all the energy of being around the kdis are gone since they got to go home today..but this session was so much better than the last one..it was a good group and i was sorry to see them go in some ways..but glad in others..they were draining and i really didnt appreciate it being implied that since we had a good group then we didnt need the extra help when it was only 1 staff to 5 girls..and it happened a lot this session because of staffing issues and ppl quitting..so all the groups are understaffed and staff are pulled into different groups on a daily basis and it sucks because then there is someone how has a group of kids and they are the only one there...its not fair and without days off for days at a time its like we dont get a break...its easy to see why ppl in this field are so burnt out..there arent enough new ppl coming in and the old ones are used until there is nothing left...and yet i stay? why is it that i stay? and its funny when i say i live in my own little tali world but its partially true i guess..i dont do the things that would get me in ttrouble and i help where i can..i dont assume things will go as planned because thats just asking to be disappointed..yes i get stressed and tired and so very frustrated with the kids and with staff but its like..this is a job..what did i expect? this is a summer camp for now no less and its like ok umm have you ever seen an organized summer camp? when things go as planned then good but dont go in expecting everything to be perfect..your setting yourself up to be let down...i came back because i enjoy it..becasue it was listening to the kids say they have learned and grown in 3 weeks and want to come back..and it being told by parents that they appreiciate what we do and what we have to deal with..heck one set of parents asked if i would go home with them just to keep working with their daughter! i wasnt expecting that but its what i like..and then its the other staff ive grown used to and enjoy being around..i like that no one really cares i say its my birthday everyday and so they tell me happy birthday..no one cares if i wear the same clothes three days in a row because there is no time to change and no energy to bother..no one cares when its downtime and i pull out a coloring book or play with bubbles..only at camp can we have food/water/whipped cream fights and its an event for the day not something to get in trouble for..no one cares that i talked my group into washing my car and they volunteered for the job!!..only the ppl who work here can really understand the stories we talk about and the issues we have to deal with on a daily basis..no matter how small or stupid we have to deal with it...and then it was seeing some of my kids from last summer and seeing how much they have grown up..and become so much better at handling themselves..so i came back..and will again if i can..i like being here..i like the atmosphere and some how i manage to stay out of the politics of what goes on .. im not admin but im treated with the same status most of the time..and i know if i was offered a admin job i would have to say no..being in the office makes me crazy..the phones never stop ringing and i never volunteer to answer them..but i enjoy the kids regardless of being called some really bad things i still enjoy them in the end...

hmm all of that aside im glad for the couple days off..i need to recahrge..i need to be in the real world for a while..or pretend im in the real world at least..ive finally given in and agreed to go and see the new harry potter movie tomorrow morning..that will be the only treat for the time off..after that its laundry and more laundry and cleaning the apartment..ive slacked off big time with that and should be ashamed of myself for letting things get so messy..but its just i come and go with no real time to clean stuff up..i want to go and get a library card but im a little nervous about it..dont know why but i am...right now im just feeling really unfoucsed and trying to do to many things at once..

although ive finally gotten around to comprehending why it is i need to be held responsible for some thigns i do..with out someone there to check and make sure im doing it i wont do it..ill keep putting it off ..and putting it off..and agreeing to do it but still putting it off..its been 7 months and i have yet to do what i agreed to do before i left arran in dec!! before i graduated..and ive completely let it all slip on purpose yes but still...in school i was checked on heavily and now its just me and i dont really care it seems..i dont care enough

hmm

today is one of those overstimulating days and im getting a horrible headache and ive been single staffed for the better part of the last 4 days and i dont even get off again for another 4 days and im just ready to scream im so agitated and have absolutely no escape for now...im ready for the kids to go home.yes its been a great group overall but im ready for them to leave just so i can have a day off..an then its harder becasue a lot of the activities they are supposed to be doing gets cancelled and i cant do anything but try to keep them busy..and then they start bickering and arguing and having to call the dumbest issues ever on each other and so its just hard and tiring..i dont like it being implied that since i have the small group and they are good for the most part that it is perfectly ok to leave me with me group alone for days at a time beecause i can handle it..they seem to forget that being by myself means its just me and then and i cant get a break at all and i ahve to deal with all of there issues and everything..the other group we share the cabin with does help me out a lot because they have 3 ppl to our 2 ..so hopefully the next few days will pass without to many things going wrong and so that we can get them out of here safely...im just not feeling well and really overwhlemed right now...almost started crying this morning when one of the girls completely blew up over nothing and i told her i didnt want to talk to her anymore just to get away from her but then i had to deal with the rest of the group still..its just been a long long day i guess with no end in sight...hmm yesterday was the medieval fest and it was fun and all had somoe gross things thrown at me and got pulled out of the dining hall but i was completely pissed off that the sight group decided to start a food fight at the end of dinner and i was just standing in the doorway minding my own busniess and i get covered in mustard..that upst me and im guessing that outfit is completely ruined now..i cant even get time away to go and wash my clothes and it will stain horribly..im just getting a little tired of being ignored by the sight ppl..i prefer base and now i know why.its like we are on different planets now and if you didnt become friends during training then there is no time to even think about it now..we are kept to seperated and so the little rift that is always there between the two groups keeps growing..and now all the groups are horribly short staffed and ppl are just being pulled out of programs and put into other ones and then no one is happy and its harder to work with everyone..lots of work issues going on...so yea right now im just waiting for a break and thats about all..i just want some time to myself..

need to write

im starting to get really nervous about everything...a lot has to do with money and then it goes to work and then to life and then home and dusti and the list just seems to be busy right now...since the hike all ive done is pick at bug bites until i have most of them bleeding right now..its really hard because it did take until i was driving home tonight to even realize that ive traded posions once again..yea i havent been cutting but ive been picking bugbites all summer..im decorated in bandaids and i dont have any satisfaction at all until i make one bleed..and then of course everyone tells me not to scratch and its like ok..i tell the kids not to scratch and really mean it..it just really sucks becaause im not trying at all but i want them to try?! yea gotta love my logic at times...im tired and worried and just i dont know...money being my biggest worry right now..adn now i just kinda realize i shouldnt have done a lot of things and it sucks but everything is once again falling behind and its so stupid..and its my fault and i just cant figure out how to make any of it right no matter what..everything will bounce and then ill just have to spend even more money to fix it all..i think ill have to give in and move home in dec/jan..i just cant figure any other way out of things ..and it just really sucks..but i see no real way around it...home home home..just thinking about it makes me really want to cry or scream or run away..running away sounds good...run far far away and hide for forever..except then what would i do? cant run forever right? i dont want to be at home either but it looks like thats where im going..as much as i want to be by myself i just dont see it working out and being able to afford anything at the same time..where will i keep all of my stuff? what am i going to do with dusti? so many things are juts going back and forth in my head and i dont know how to deal with any of it..i keep seeing what little freedom ive gained going down the drain..and not coming back..ill be completely disconnected again..and the beck and call of everyone else once again..i have a killer headache and feeling really sick from binging as soon as i got home..i dont want to do what i really want to do...id really like to say i havent been cutting but scratching got a little of the same effect..i didnt stop i juts changed it again as i usally do..how much do i suck right this minute? its the same old thing and its like a lie i guess to even try and stop it..i dont have to asnwer to anyone right this minute so why dont i juts do exactly want i want to do without worrying about it? because im stupid and feel guilty over the smallest things..doesnt matter if it was my fault or not..if i was in on it and it is even remotely wrong then its supposed to be my fualt juts so i can come to terms with always being in trouble for reasons i dont think ill ever really understand..trouble is trouble is always attached to it...so why dont i just do what im expected to do and get it over with..but maybe

changing the subject

i dont think i have an entirely complete grip on the real world...how is it that suddenly i have ppl getting advice from me when i cant even remember most of what i do..why do things have to change..why cant i stay in my own little world and never come out..why is it that im so jealous over the most basic of human needs and hate myself so much for it..i dont need anyone at all ...but then i have yvonne who is a really great friend but i hurt her feelings because i wont talk to her..i think i hurt everyones feelings because i wont talk to them..but i dont know what to say and i hate talking about myself because im dull and boring and no one would want to hear anything i have to say..but then i have a lot of the ppl i wok with who take the time to say hi to me and ask how i am whether i give them a real answer or not..and i dont want that to go away either.. i try hard to be polite and nice but i think i fail miserably at it all the time ..and i think im just getting depressed again..

jumping subjects again

art was a lot of fun today..i colored a picture with a lepruchan in it and a pot of gold and it was full of colors..pretty ones..and i seriously talk to myself when im coloring..and then i made a wrinkled picture and got to paint overthe whole thing..and then i made a note box for the cabin and all the girls made their own and we can give them warm and fuzzies and it was a lot of fun..yvonne gave me a henna tattoo that really didnt show up well on my skin but it was still kinda cool having it on my hand for a while..and their is a kitten at camp..a little white fluffball named charlie and he is such a cute kitten and i really want him but i know i cant take him...dusti is still my favoritest pet ever and i would never just dump a kitten on her and leave for a week at a time..so no kitten for me

hmm why cant life just be simple and easy..guess it kinda just sucks for me that i cant remember when things were ever simple or easy

the hike is over

so im back from the hike and after a shower that took about 30 mins im starting to feel normal again!! woohoo for me...but overall this was the best hike we ahve ever done..we finished at 11:30 this morning and that was after making all the kids wake up at 5am and that was just painful in so many ways..i also no never to go without a sleeping bag again..its wasnt horrible but it would have been a little more comfortalbe...but im not one for sleeping outside and really being comforatable and its prolly good that i know that already..so it was so surprise when i woke up like 50times a night because i heard something or i was just freaking out and couldnt get to sleep..no bigi deal...but our girls rocked the hike big time..we did the whole 24 miles and on the 2st day even we did 5 miles in 3 and a half hours! talk about surprised! it was the coolest thing ever and oh so exhausting..each day we made it to our campsite by 5pm and that was even after having to stop for an hour in the lightening storm on the 3rd day...if we hadnt of stopped then we would have made it by 4 or before 4 but it was still really cool..that was the best we had done ever in the 5 times we have done the hike..maybe it really does get easier everytime...only saw one snake and a bunch of frogs and snails and slugs...the kids got to go swimming two nights in a row but i didnt since i didnt really pack a lot of extra clothes...we did have a campfire two nights though but had cold smores on the last night because of the rain and all the wet wood...but i had to hike in the fornt of the line the entire way and so maybe i dont really hold anyone up hiking at my pace..my pace got us done in plenty of time and i know i worked my butt off but its still just somewhere in my head that i could have worked harder..weird and stupid i know but oh well...right now im feeling ok..just tired and my feet really really hurt...there were no huge issues on our hike though..tons of bug bites and stuff but nothing major..some of the kids freaked during the lightening storm and i was scared to but its like ok do i calm them down or do i run for cover and worry about myself for a min..first one won out of course and so i calmed down the ones closet to me at the time in the front of the line and just talked to her and reassured her as much as i could that it was just a storm and it would have to stop at some time...i couldnt really say im afraid of sitting in the middle of a thunder and lightening storm too and i cant spare the energy to talk to someone else...but it was ok we all got through it in one piece but it really is major scary sitting outside with nothing but a raincoat on in pouring rain and really loud thunder and lightening with 7 kids and one other adult...funniest thing on the hike was the night me and the two CITS were trying to hang the bear bags..it was so funny and a lot of fun..like we were trying for a tree that was majorly to high and when we kept getting the wrong tree we tried for a different tree and then we started trying for a tree that was covered in branches and leaves that we couldnt get the water bottle to go through...and it was like projectile waterbottles flying through the air ! but we kept missing and it was still a lot of fun..like one of the CITs almost peed in her pants she was laughing so hard..and then the other counselor came and it was like ok the fun has to stop now...and its sucks a lot but that really is what it feels like..we were having plenty of fun just the three of us and then she comes and its not fun anymore..and she just kinda takes over...hmm i dont mind working with her at all but its like she changes when we are around the 'offical' ppl i guess and it sucks..because its like a control thing and suddenly im not really there anymore and she just tries to take over..so trying to figure it out...but there are only a couple weeks left in the session and then we are done and starting another session...lots has gone on in the work world and its like wow how much has i missed! ppl are quitting left and right and its like whats going on?

day off

as ive been laying here doing absolutely nothing and watching cartoons and law and order and then more cartoons and then watching pans labyrinth again and now im back to cartoons lol and inbetween all of that ive checked email fifty times and checked message boards and read and played on neopets and webkinz..yea its been a full day .. and im incredibly bored...i think ill try to take a nap before getting ready for work tonight and also i think im off again tonight because we are leaving for our hike tomorow and they try to give the staff the night off before the 4 day hikes..so hopefully i do..if not its not a huge deal but i hope so...i wouldnt mind getting one more night in a real bed..and i need to pack for the trip anyway..before going back to work i am going to look for a raincoat..im finally giving in and going to buy one if i can find one at walmart and its not expensive..if not then ill have to order one from sierra or campmor..i like those prices anyway ..im trying hard to plan for going to the movies when we are off next week..cas it will be after the new harry potter movie comes out and everyone really wants to see it! im trying to be patient!

i read the davinci code recently..finished it a few days ago and it was a really good book...it makes me really wonder about the ppl who spend their lives searching for things like that and how far ppl are willing to go to protect information and things..i havent seen the movie or anything yet but as usual the book of course will be much better then the movie...i was really disappointed in the blood and chocolate movie..i love the book and ive read it a bunch of times and i was so excited about hte movie and i saw it with henry while i was at home and it was just a huge disappointed..i cant even say it losely followed the book because it didnt! ugh but the way they changed was majorly cool..me and henry had our age old convo about whether vampires were better than werewolves and everything..he wants to be a werewolfish and i want to be a vampire minus the whole blood drinking thing..but anyhoo i really should like to buy that book..and i got a borders card so hopefully getting new books wont be such a huge deal..and ive learned that there is a build a bear in the mall thats alike around the corner..and i refused to go inside because i would have bought something and i cant...but it was really cool finding it and know i know its in the mall and ill have to be brave and take a trip to the mall by myself when i can to get one..

hmm nothing else interesting to talk about..i dont think

nothing to important

just nother day i guess..kinda feeling depressed kinda not..randomly dealing with wanting to cut or hide..feeling majorly tired and drained..im going to bed soon but im off and that is good at least..until tomorrow evening and then im back to work and on thursday we are actually leaving to go on our hike..not interested in going so soon but i have no real choice in the matter...i just want to get it over with more than anything..im ok working with the person im with now but i would have rather worked with anyone else..she is bossy and just rude to a lot of ppl she doesnt need to be rude to...normally when i go on my day off i worry about my costaff and this time i just dont care..and i dont know what it is about her that bothers me but i need to figure it out..yea ill be able to work it her and will but its not as much fun as it could be i guess..

so

im working with the girls for this session and im working with the one person i dont really feel like i know at all..yea ill work with her and be fair and everything but i would have preferred things turned out differently...i would have preferred staying with the boys..but oh well..just feeling tired and uninterested big time

upset

im completely mad at yvonne for right now and it really annoys me that she implies im mad and right after that asks if it is something she has done..for once can anyone just let me be mad without making me feel like i have to apoligize for it! its not fair that its allows the other way around and its never just about me for a little while..there always has to be some underlying reason that i am upset or bothered and it just cant be im having a bad day or something..does no one realize i have a life outside of camp and that im maybe not always compeltely happy..i may not show it at all but dont assume it ...and dont try to change it so that im suddenly worried that ive done something to upset you when its not about you in the slightest..i just dont like it at all..and yea i know yvonne has been having a hard time of things lately with her bf and stuff but dont start taking it out on me when ive done nothing but listen and be a friend and be helpful...im sorry if sometimes im not insterested in what is being said or im sidetracked and watching kids or doing other things i have to do and cant focus fully on anyone..im sorry ok..im sorry im dumb enough to actually think that what i feel or want is important and means something..because if im not helping someone else then i must not be doing my job right..but after the first few days does anyone bother to really ask how im doing anymore? all that matters is that im suddenly back and so the world must be right again..

ill stop whining now

once again..life continues

hmmm its been a long time..and yep a lot has happened and a lot of things have changed i guess...i made it through the funeral and i guess that is the most important thing..i missed a week or so of work and went home and it was really odd i guess seeing so many family members and just not being able to remember who they were..they remember me but i cant remember them..nia talked to me about something that happened and i just couldnt remember the person at all..nia remembered and i didnt ...it sucked...but all the random always crowded feeling sucked..there were always ppl around..always someone walking in and out of the house and i still cant do crowds..i stayed out of most of it thankfully but on the actual say of the funeral i had to be there..it was raining and sad and i wasnt worried about myself or anything i was fine..sad but fine...i was more worreid about mommy..i am still worried about mommy and that she is at home alone without anyone right now...mommy freaked at the funeral and wake..riley told me about the first time and i was there for the second one...ive never seen mommy like that and that worried me...i told henry to go be with her..all her sisters and brothers were there too but i think henry helping was good too..i couldnt do it..i didnt cry at all at the funeral and it was really weird seeing the dead body but now ive been to a funeral..and its not as scary as i thought it would be but id rather not have to ever go to another one..i dont know how it is that i am completely disillusioned about death..its like no one can die but i hear about it all the time on the news and in magazines and everything..but for some reason i just dont never apply it to me and my life..yes i knew granny was sick but i didnt think she would die..i thought she would be there for forever to argue with mommy and be annoying and demanding...but at the same time its like ok maybe i hsould have tried harder to get to know granny more...i saw her and did things for her but i didnt expect anything from her...i dont expect things from anyone..yes it was nice being at home for a little while but it was so hard..saw my godmother agin for the first time in over ten years..funny that she didnt recongize me nia or henry when we picked her up! she walked right past us lol...she told me everyday she loved me..it worried me that it is that easy to make the vulunerable part of me wake up and scream to be noticed..i hated that and i want to kill that part of myself for forever..but it made me think (after i got over the wanting to kill it and everything part of things) but how is it that i can halfway accept love of someone else or easily when i know them..am i really that starved for attention and love? im not a child i should be able to take care of myself..i cant but thats another story...dont know i guess

all of that aside im am back at work now and back at my apartment today...well our kids went home on thursday and im sorry to say im not sad at all..2 are coming back and i dont mind the two coming back but for most i wasnt sad to see them go...i came back and it was really nice having my kids running to say hi to me and tell me they missed me...it was nice having a lot of the staff saying hi and telling me i was missed and asking how everything was and how i was...and i am glad that i made it back before they left but that lasted all of maybe an hour before i was wishing i had stayed at home...once the two that caused trouble were mad at me again it was back to the usual i hate you..you hate me deal...they didnt listen and were just mad they couldnt get there way..and yea it still hurts and it sucks they are that clueless and stupid and full of themselves that they cant see what the point of being their is..it makes me feel like we did nothing the whole time we were together..but then during the closing ceremony all of us counselors got some good compliments from the kids..some were the usual your nice or funny and some were really well thoughtout and i was proud of my kids...but at the same time i found out that one of my kids wrote some really mean things about me...race wise really mean things about me..it was disappointing more than anything else..yea my feelings were hurt but im still trying to figure out what really happened and why and im not sure i will..it was like suddenly i had this kid apoligizing to me from something but he wouldnt tell me what...and i was like how can i accept your apoligy when i odnt know what happened..i asked clare and erica and they wouldnt tell me right then..but i found out anyway when i saw what it was and it hurt...its so stupid and i dont believe he was sorry at all..he was sorry he was caught that was all...i cant believe it...so our kids are gone and thats that...i hate to say i dont ever want to see some of them again but i dont..i dont want to be anywhere near them...

a few ppl came to my house last night and we got dinner and drank and partied and it was fun..but still i was glad when the louder ones decided to go home..and suddenly my fridge is full of alcohol ill never drink..and tons of junk food..but it was fun last night and im not sorry we did it at all...i spent the day with clare today and we hung out and went to the movies and shopping and the mall...ive lived here for over 6 months and today is the first time ive gone to the mall that is like 10 minutes from my house!i dont really like shopping by myself in the mall and ive never gone but there is a build a bear there so i learned!!!! i cant wait to tell yvonne that there is one here..i really want to make another one...and finally got to go and see pirates of the carribean 3 which rocked so much...and i had clare looking for webkinz with me :) and that was fun too...

it is back to work tomorrow afternoon and im ready to go back kinda but i hope this group works better as a group..not to mention i dont know who im working with or which cabin im going ot be in...so its just a bit weird right now i think...

hmmm on to other stuff...im not losing weight..ive gained a couple pounds..my fault really..i didnt care and went home and like completely had cake everyday..im being a pig and all the drinking alst night didnt help at all!! i want to start trying again..well more like pay attention to what im eating and exercising more ..my usual stuff i always swear to do but then stop doing after a couple days...but at some point ill find motivation i suppose and it will matter ..but for now im not sure i care...i stay in the same range give or take and its so stupid at times..but oh well...im actually thinking of joing a gym somewhere or moving my eliptical to the living room so i can use it and watch tv since thats what i do most of the at home anyway...just watch tv...and be online...

yep i still have a horribly incredibly life

freaking out

ive finally decided that im leaving at 5 tomorrow morning so that ill have plenty of time to make it home...but right now all i want to do is sit down and cry and not even really cry..more like sit down and cut but im half trying to keep a handle on that..not has hard as i could be but im trying..i gues it doesnt count if ive picked at all of my bug bites on my arms and legs to get them to bleed..same thing but a different way..so im just sitting here putting off everything i need to do and just getting more upset by the minute for not doing anything but still not doing anything..i dont know..i suddenly really dont want to go home at all..i found out i wont be babysitting at all because they are going out of town and im like are you serious that was my one way to get out of being at home..and i cant really afford to go but it has to be done and ill have to worry about bills and everything later..but still all of it is crowding in on me..i know ill go home and mommy will see all the new scars on my legs..i forgot about the new cut scars on my ankle.that stand out horribly..not to mention all the various bug bites covering my leg..or the fact that im going home and getting stuck and being around all these ppl i dont know or dont remember..i dont want to go to the funeral or do anything with it..i know ill get home and be expedcted to help out..nia is having health problems again and is in and out of the hospital for tests..henry is going back to school next week and i have to help him bring his stuff back..i dont know if im getting paid for my time off..i dont know ..i dont know how anything is going to work out and i hate that..sudddenly im back to just wanting to run away again..hide out and just disappear for a while..i dont want to have to deal with anything..i guess if i bothered to read back i could figure out the last time i was feeling so suicidal..and its the stupidest thing i guess..i hate how much money has to rule everything and no matter how hard i seem to try i cant do anything right it seems..i do everything im supposed to and its just not enough..nothing is ever enough..im such a baby who really cares whether or not im spending money to buy things i need or just using it all to pay bills and hope no one notices what im doing..gotta love how easy it is to completely rule out needing food..im horrible and thats about all..

empty

im feeling really empty right now...granny died last night and i was told about it today because i was stupid and didnt ahve my phone on me last night...its a good thing i was off today or else i would have left for my hike tomorrow and not known about it...i would have felt really guilty for not being at home when i was neeeded..no i dont want to go and when i finally talked to mommy about it she just told me what i needed to wear and that i better look decent..so ok fine whatever..i talked to arron and was given time off to be at home and i just have to come back when i can and its looking like ill miss the entire last part of this session at camp..im feeling guilty for missing the hike with my group when i know we have a hard group of kids..im worried about mommy and how she is not that she would even tell me..but ill worry i was worried this morning when i kept calling all her phones and she didnt pick up..henry told me..im just out of it right now..came back home after going and talking to aaron and just kinda shut down i guess and went to sleep...i hate just being here and waiting and doing nothing..i cant gohome until friday because i have to wait to get paid..and then i have to go and then i have to stay and help henry bring his stuff back...i refuse to ask mommy for money for the trip and im hoping that if im at home then maybe ill get to work a little bit for some extra money when im not needed by mommy to stay home...i already know ill be expected to clean and everything..i have to drive back to talisman tonight and get more stuff that i wasnt thinking about earlier and left..i dont want to see my kids at all right now..but i did let my coconselors know what was wrong and that i would be back..i dont know what to do with myself..im just waiting for now...

life update

...well i leave for the hike on wed and im really dreading it because of our kids..i worry if we will be able to do it in the four days with the kids we have...will they even be able to get along good enough TO hike for four days without crying or arguing..its just so annoying i guess...its hard being around then right now knowing how horrible they are are acting and it was bad enough yesterday that the manager and asst manager and director had to come to our group have have a talk about why it was inappropriate to talk about sex..it was really disappointing though and i cant believe that its a bunch of 9 and 10 year olds were talking about sex and the whole situation just really suckcs...we have the worst group on campus..and yep it just really bites...ive been called mean everyday since they got here..im the one that a couple just swears they hates me andi hate them..and its like fine call me what you like because i dont care but it still hurts..ended up crying a few days ago because it was beyond some of them just saying they hate me..they were positive they could get me in trouble with linda or aaron and i wanted to laugh at them it was so absurd but i couldnt believe them..and they are just positive im worried about getting in trouble and its like give me a break ive done nothing wrong at all..and its not my fault you dont like being told what to do and im not going anywhere...so i was crying and completely walked away from my group after telling clare i needed a break..and started crying and couldnt stop for a while..it was just build up of everything and it sucked..my feelings are hurt every day by some of the kids and then patched up by some of the kids..its so confusing i guess..quinn came and talked to me for a while and just kinda let me know my kids were brats and that im doing fine and etc etc..and then i left to take a break and she laid into my kids about how my feelings were hurt and that they shouldnt be saying those things..and im glad she did but it seems that no matter how much we talk ad talk and talk some of our kids just arent getting it..so yea the knowledge about how awful are group iis well kinda is common knowledge...one kids keeps running away and its somehow my fault so he says because im always picking on me..and he even got his say with aaron about me and i still wasnt in trouble...stupid kid..hmm maybe not stupid but just thoughtless...ive already told them i was here last summer and i was here inbetween to and i still have a job so i guess im doing something right...even mattt told me that you know linda and aaron would stick up for me in situations like this...im not worriedabout losing my job because ive done nothing wrong but its annoying thinkings i have to defend myself to a 9 year old...so work is just really a huge ball of stress right now and we really never get a break except on days off...and thats still only once a week...ugh but it hasnt gotten to the point of me questioning why im still here..but i talked it over yesterday with the same kids kinda nad its like why in the world do you think i would take a job were im around a bunch of kids that say they hate me when i can go home and be with the kids who really want me? its so simple but so incredibly hard to answer i guess..why is it that i stay here knowing i will get kids that say im horrible and they hate me when im not doing anything but my job? i know im not mean but i was told yesterday but one of the kids that im strict and thats a good thing..me strict ?! lol..fine i can handle being strict but im not mean to a bunch of kids who are only here for 3 freaking weeks..give me a break..and ive talked it over with the other two counselors i work with and they say im not mean and they do the same things i do but its me thats called out for being mean..so stupid...so rant aside what fun has been going on? we went rock climbing on sunday and i actually gave in and climbed again..and it was so hard but not as hard as the first time and i almost made it all the way to the top until i thought my legs would give out and i asked to be let back down lol..but i was a little bit proud of doing it of my own conviction i guess..and we went to the tower and i got to belay again which rocked...i cant wait for the rafting trip..bad kids or not that is still the best part of the whole summer and i get to go two more times! not to mention i get to work with the younger kids again next session..i asked for working with them specfically for one of the returning kids and ill have him...it will be hard but i cant wait! and after that i dont care which group i get..i dont hate my job or anything..whats a job without a challenge right? but im worrying about when i have to go home and if ill be able to stay here or if i should go ahead and go back to school now? i dont know..my rent is going up ...i have some bill issues i wasnt expecting and it just goes beyond sucking really...but mommy said she will have to start paying for the car payments and ill have to do the loan repayment and the other bills instead...i cant do all of it and i cant keep asking her to borrow so much money to pay my bills! i have a job and i still have to ask for money to pay bills ugh..its miserable and not much fun at all..but hopefully soon it will all even out and ill know what i need to do...so i cant decide what it is i have to do or should do..yes i want to go to grad school but i dont want to go home..i cant afford to live anywhere else...maybe i can talk to nia about getting a two bedroom apt..but i dont know about that either..yea it would work out if i had a car and we both had jobs ..and it would be half rent and stuff...and it would be easier and i would still have the freedom of being back but not at home home maybe? but i like my freedom too..i so no i still cant decide..but i guess ill have to figure out something soon..and for all of it i dont have to go back to school now anyway..im hoping for a raise in aug/sept...maybe if i dont stay with talisman for the semester i can stay in sc and just find a job here and make more money...i love talisman but i dont want to work for jon without some changes..just cant happen..i dont want to be stuck in a job where im not respected when i dont have to stay there..so maybe ill do that for a while and see what happens..but still ive given myself until dec and i will..and after that ill just have to see what i want to do..i may move apartments because of the rent going up with each renewal and that really bites!

so on to other non complaining stuff...no idea how long its been since ive cut or purged but ive been picking at my fingers and bug bites horribly..my arms and legs are a horrible mess of scars and bug bites that ive scratched and had to put bandaids on..sometimes i think i cant stop because i sit there and pick and pick and im not satisfied until they are bleeding ..and then i have the nerve to tell my kids to stop scratching or they will have to wear gloves..i tell them i had to wear gloves last summer and i did..still think a lot about purging though and i wanted to cut the night i was crying but talked instaed a little bit..but even all that aside im worried about yvonne alot..ive learned a lot about her in the past f ew weeks and its like for as much as im deathly quiet about my personal life she is the oppisite and is completely talkative about everything that is bothering her..a lot of ppl know about whats going on in her life maybe not all of it but enough to know whts bothering her..and i watch her and wonder why it is she has no problem sharing and i cant make myself say anything..but i know all of it already and im worried about how depressed and sad she is..she told me she wasnt suicidal but im still worried..for as unalike we are we are more alike than i would ever let on..and its more of we are alike in thoughts not behaviors i guess..because she talked to me about not wanting to be here anymore and feeling so sad and unwanted and its like shes saying what i think all the time..but thats the one big difference..shes saying it and im not..she will ask for help and i would rather die than let anyone know im having a hard time..and i dont know how to make it better because there is only so much i can do about her personal life..its not mine and i cant go in and make it better for her..or stop her from doing anything..so im just lost..i have to be ok to help her and thats that...so yea same old same old i guess

a bit overwhelmed

i dont know..im feeling a bit overwhelmed..really overwhelmed in some ways..im tired and have no energy right this minute and i just want to go to sleep really..but its not even 8 and we are rushing around trying to get things ready for the kids coming tomorrow..and im excited and nervous but really ready to get started..lots of cleaning and planning that had to get done...but ive been noticing that i dont do well when i have to mayn loud things going on at once near me..i knew i didnt really enjoy crwds but here when there are always like 5 different convos going on and games being played and laughing and everyhting going on at once and it makes me so nervous and agitated..and on edge..and some kids came today the teens did ..but after that its just i dont know everything feels really confused...i really want to throw up and it really annoyed me that i just figured out there is no privacy anywhere on this campus...kinda random i just figured that out today but its a pain in the butt..im used to being here with like max 10 other ppl not 70 and i got used to being able to go and get whatever i wanted whenever i wanted and know i have to ask and now im just to just counselor and i cant just walk into the office and grab keys to the nurses place and just go in..and it was surprising this morning when i was told i couldnt go into the nurses office without her being there..its like ok ive been here longer than a lot of you and whatever but fine ok im just a counselor and blah blah blah..not a big deal and i dont know why it bothered me so much but it did and it shouldnt have..i feel like im not pulling my weight and doing my fair share of stuff and it shouldnt be like that but it is ..i do tons..im all over the place and its like its not enough..like i have to prove i deserve to be here like everyone else...its stupid in a way and its not that i dont like being here i just dont know what im supposed to think..i get nervous easily and its not like i have tons of self confidence or self esteem or anything but being around so many ppl how just seem to pick things up really easy and i cant get the hang of stuff makes it hard...i can tell when my mood drops and i cant do anythingabout it..if someone asks whats wrong i say im fine..might be incredibly suicidal at that moment but it doesnt matter im fine..i dont know how to just give in and say i need a break or just to talk..i dont know how to just sit down and let someone know everything without worrying but its the worrying that stops me in the first place...its like always on the tip of my tongue to talk to someone but i dont know who i dont know how..for the little bit that yvonne pushes the more i refuse to tell her anything..i keep thinking one day ill tell her..one day ill finally let her figure it all out and leave it alone but i dont know if ill ever let that happen..maybe im not ment to be helped in whatever way it is that i need it..i dont know..i read the summary that was written on me after the hike since i was bad camper ..and its weird how easily im read sometimes...it was all completely appropriate and needed but i didnt know anyone noticed when i was withdrawing or being quiet and not talking or just needing to be noticed a bit more..i wasnt the loud one and i wasnt the most talkative but i was noticed just a bit...but still im feeling incredibvly misunderstood..i wonder how many ppl would keep making the purging comments if they knew i threw up after eating..given it was made as a joke and i didnt respond but it was enough to make me stop and think a bit..it had really been a good while since ive wanted to purge..mainly because the last time i did it i felt really really sick and gross and miserable for a night..and it just stopped again..maybe had something to do with being asked to stop but i stopped..and then the other night i went out for dinner and ice cream and first off the ice cream was to much sugar after the four day hike but really i just had a burger and fries and a huge ice cream cone and i felt so sick..really full and really sick and i said i was going to throw up and really ment it but i didnt..but i thought about it until after we got back to camp and was almost ready to cry because i couldnt figure out a release that wouldnt hurt..i didnt purge in the end..got sidetracked and talked to hollice for an hour and by then it was almost 1 in the morning and it was time to go to bed..but tonight i felt it again...for some reason today i was just really hungry and no matter what i ate it didnt help..there was dessert after dinner tonight and so i had dinner and whatnot and two pieces of chocolate cake and once again felt like throwing up..trying hard not to..still feel like throwing up and it sucks...i want to cut..i just want to do anything that hurts right this minute..so instead im trying hard to just be busy..i got my computer to hook into the wireless connection at camp and im writing here and half chatting..but its not really helping..i feel miserable..

hiking and other random stuff

so the staff hike is over now and ive completely another 23 mile hike and yes it was hard but not nearly as hard as last years..maybe becasue i knew more of what to expect and could still recognize parts of the trail and it wasnt all surprising and unexpected...but good grief i had forgotten how stressful and draining that hike is..physically and emotionally...almost cried once on the second day and then i was moved up to the front...yes im slow but then they all said i was able to set a great pace when i was in the front..and so i hiked the front most of yesterday and part of today and right now i just dont want to walk anywhere my legs are so so so sore and its a pain in the butt ...not mpving makes me feel so stiff and then i have to walk somewhere or get up and it hurts a lot ..so im hoping ill be feeling a bit less sore after a good nights sleep..for some reason i dont know why i cant sleep good outside but i really cant...i just get nervous or something and then i cant sleep and keep waking up...not for me at all i guess and maybe its just because i cant get comfortable..maybe i just need to wait until i have a better sleeping bag and everything but ill have to see..i got to play bad camper for like the whole hike at various times throughout each day and that was really fun but i was so still the fairly easy camper to get redirected..the others cursed up a storm and i did feel bad for the staff that had to deal with them and it did suck at times but they all handled it and got through it and we all finihsed the hike and i really was proud of everyone else but still wasnt proud of myself..everytime we had to do the proud, positive and learned thing i worked really hard to come up with group ones because it was easier and made more sense and i didnt see why it good at all to say i proud of myself when i wasnt..i hated that i still suck at hiking and its like yea i finished but i should have tried harder and worked more and its like ok you hiked 23 miles with everyone else and worked really hard and its still just not good enough at all and that really does suck in so many ways .. i can so be proud for someone else..anyone else and i cant be proud of myslf but i did the same thing as everyone else so what makes me so different? i should have done more..and i guess its not fair that im compeltely set in thinking that..no matter how much positive stuff i hear i will always have everything in my head to make sure i dont forget im a dork and stupid and all this other stuff...so yea it sucks...so besides having fun playing bad camper..it was the usual mindless hiking...on the second day i really wanted to just give up and quit and almost started crying for lack of anything else to do in the middle of the hike...the other days it just hurt horrible but i had to keep going..funny i was thinking today while hiking and listening to everyone checking on the ppl needing the extra encouragement and its like hmm slighty jealous..ok really jealous...and eventually i really did get around to thinking about why it was i was so jealous over something so simple..i really didnt have anything to do but think because i didnt want to talk ..i noticed i get really quiet when hiking and its because if i dont focus ill stop and yea i wouldnt to stop but i couldnt stop...but anyway hmm its like the ppl who got the extra encouragement just flat out asked for help..and no matter how much i hated hiking i didnt complain and i kept saying i was fine..i needed the extra encouragement and hated that i couldnt ask for it and everyone else just made it seem so easy..i suck..i really really do..i dont get how it is that some ppl can be so open about there lives and problems and just talk and talk and talk and get advice and feedback and everything and i cant...i want to sometimes but i cant..its miserable and no matter how many times i try to talk myself into asking for help i cant..like i was with tim while he was talking to yvonne about you know getting support and everythign and im sitting there listening but focused on something else and he got around to saying that you should be able to get support at talisman because you know your working there and you were hired because they wanted you..nothing to do with me but its just i wonder what it takes to be fired..i dont want to be fired but i cant get around thinking i would be..ive been told to many times that i will be fired for cutting..and you can look at my arms and legs and still see new scars..its cant really be lied away if i just sit there and say ive stopped when i know i havent..its not fair to them to do that...honesty works good for a lot of things and by not telling them im lying arent i? i guard my secrets as much as i can and when i have to share i really cant....so yea thats what i thought this morning during hiking..

other stuff doing the hike..given it was another 23 mile hike..even though i did it 3 times last summer its still a killer hike..but 23 miles is 23 miles and even with all that the whole thing in general was fairly fun..i watched some of the staff go skinny dipping and it was just holy cow look away..and i did..i worked really hard to look in the other direction! and of course one of the other staff not in the waterfall took there clothes and threw them on another rock and so they all had to get out of the water naked and i was standing by some of the clothes and tim asked me to hand him his and i wouldnt..just to be difficult :) and he said he would get down and give me a hug and i should have believed him and half did and i took off down the rock and he chased me until i had to stop and he gave me a hug and he was naked lol and they got a picture..and then they tried to go skinnydipping off the rope swing and there was like a church group with little kids camped right by the lake and itw as like umm nope no skinnydipping now..we stayed up late talking and friendly picking on each other..we played never have i ever one night in the middle of the parking lot near one of our campsites..and we looked at stars and had a belly drum circle...i saw another shooting star and that was cool..i slept with tim again lol..and stayed on my own blue thing this time! didnt see any bears but so almost walked over a snake! and heather almost dropped her pack on a copperhead..lots of snakes this trip! and i saw one in the water :) we stopped at various waterfalls and got to play in the water some with clothes on..and getting to soak my feet in freezing cold water when i didnt want to hike anymore really did help a lot...so it was cool..and i do like the two other girls i found out im working with..so im excited about the kids coming..im actually going to be with the younger boys and that i like a lot..im slightly worried because i do know some of the kids that are coming back but i know we will be fine..and i really do love working with arron and matt..they are so cool although i am sad im not working with yvonne..but there two more sessions and those havent been picked yet..so it will be fine and fun and another great summer and thats about all

hmmm

whether i want to or not we are going hiking tomorrow for the staff 4 day hike..im kinda looking forward to it kinda not..hiking is hiking and i suck at it..but then i still finish it suffer or not and after its all said and done how will i feel then? will it change anything at all except that i can say i finished another 24 mile hike .. will it give me anymore confidence in myself or who i am? i was talking yesterday about why i even came back to talisman when it wasnt the population i wanted to work with..and its because of the staff..becuase of the admin ...i had a talk with my program managers today and they said that they want to see me in more of a leadership role..and that they were really glad i had come back and that i was going to work in base again..they told me that they had seen a lot in my last summe rand that they hoped this summer i would keep growing and work on moving up in my strengths..it was interesting to say the least..i never see this stuff and i never believe it..but still i have ppl telling me every single day that they love me and they appreciate my help and all this positive stuff..and maybe one day it really will get through..dont know..highlight of my day today ..i got to play bad camper again!!! i packed my backpack wrong and they had to check and make sure i had everything i needed..well everything i needed was a fire extingusher, a roll of toliet paper, jenga blocks, a bible, bunches of stuffed animals, markers, candy, shoes that werent mine, pillow and a tennis racket..and i fit it all in and swore up and down i was ready to go hiking..and the counselors working with me actually did a good job getting me to realize that i needed to repack and couldnt take all of that because it wasnt a good idea..it was great..i talked about it all day and then when i got a backpack and walked into the office and just said i needed stuff to pack that was wrong ..and everyone just started handing me the most off the wall stuff possible.but it was a lot of fun..and during the hike ill be on meds and have to take them at teh weirdest times i could possibly think of..me and matt are on meds and the 3 of us are bad campers for the trip..so lots to look forward to but the hiking still worries me..i know i dont eat enough a lot of the time but when im hiking i really really dont eat..and i dont like a lot of the trail food and some things i just refuse to eat ..like summer sausage..its beyond gross..but i know ill have trouble if i dont eat but i cant bring myself to eat mcuh either...i already know im dehydrated and i know it will just get worse over the next four days while hiking..i think ill bring three water bottles on the hike because i know ill dehydrate and be miserable and thirsty all the time...its like yea i know what im going into but i dont know how to make it ok and deal with it...so i just go and keep telling myself im fine and that it iwll be ok...and i know ill get to the end but it will be long and hard...maybe ill be ok at the end..sore and tired and cranky but ok ! i found out i lost like 7 pounds in a week...dont know how or why but i did..i know it could be water and what not from not drinking enough water and whatnot but still im losing weight..and eating without throwing up..go me i guess...but now that im conciously thinking about it i know im not doing so well..but i also know that hiking for 5 days and not eating means ill drop weight really kinda fast...so ill see how it goes..im trying hard not to weigh myself now but i will in the morning...and then again when we get back from the hike...just to see..and even then ill be going on two more hikes after this..you know i learned today that you can burn up to 900cals from hiking for a couple hours..not like a walk in the woods but real hiking like we are doing..i never knew that?! i never bothered to learn or care really how many you used up hiking but its good to know i guess..and now ill obsess heavily about it but its good to know...

yesterday was yesterday was really hard...i knew when i saw it on the schedule that i should skip that talk on suicide and eating disorders ..i knew and everytime i looked at it the more i wanted to go and hear it..and i did and i couldnt make myself walk out in the middle of and i really wanted too..i really needed to get up and walk ouot and i didnt..i stayed and suffered and got so anxious and antsy and felt miserable...here i am sitting there and listening to all the signs of suicide and he touched on cutting a little bit but it was mostly catching suicide ideations before it gets into planning stages..so im just zoning out horribly thinking about a million different things..and no matter how sad i was suddenly feeling and no matter how many ppl i watched get up and walk out only to be followed by staff so they could talk if they needed too and i wouldnt move..i listened but didnt listen at the same time..and i hated it the whole time i was there because yea i can recount in detail what it is to be suicidal but then they would all know..and what then?? i would lose my job..and then what.. i would be lost and hurt and i dont know...and i hate not knowing..so i keep my secerts and keep my sufferings to myself..and it sucks all the more..because lately all i want to do is talk and i cant...i havent been really writing in my other journal to much but im going to have to ..ill take it on the hike with me...

tired

thats about all..trying hard to wake up and join the world of the living but still im sooo tired..came home and cleaned a little, watched tv, read, etc ..and then just went to sleep for a couple hours ..and now im up and not sure what to do lol...i want a milkshake and thats like all im focused on right now..i get to start playing the bad camper with the new staff starting tomorrow and i cant wait for that...its so much more fun when i already know what to expect and get to push them to the limits of patience and they still wont really belive us..but oh well.they will figure it out when the kids get here..

nothing

ive been really stupid lately...really having a hard time of everythign and i stay fairly busy but its not enough i guess..given office work is boring as heck and i try to go in and out of the office when i can..but linda has caught on to when im fishing for a way to be let out of paperwork duties and wont agree to what im asking to do...but its ok since i know she is glad im willing to do it and i do a good job with it..and its fun being in the office with everyone im comfortable with..but i am getting more comfortable talking with the new ppl..still in my own little world but im getting better...its so weird being there and not fitting completely into either group..like im not new but im not admin but i have admin privledges..i know how the camp works, i know where stuff is and how to get it or find it, i know some of the returning campers and i have tons of stories..not that anyone would believe them lol.its true that you cant understand talisman stories if you dont work there or have worked there...so anyway back to what i started off with ... hmmm really just out of it the past couple days..sad but not really .. yesterday was a crying day but i held that off and ended up cutting instead .. and one thing led to another and i have no promised to work harder at not cutting...no idea why i even gave in and agreed to it but i did and so ill try ..if nothing else i will try everything i can think of to stop .. .