bored

classes are over and i could study for my last exam or correct my paper due tomorrow but i havent ..instead i watched tv and destroyed the kitchen in the name of creating something and it was good if not a huge mess..played and lost hours worth of sims time stupid game..my fault for not saving more often but now i have to do it all over again and that is nerve wrecking..so today i wake up and put off doing laundry again and instead i cleaned up downstairs and i have every intention of finishing my room and the bathroom once im done chatting and well writing..somehow ive managed to be incredibly sad but yesterday i didnt know where it was coming from and today im not really sure i care..still its worrying me that ill have to go home sooner than i planned since i dont have any money..and even me with my incredible 101 ways to waste money without doing anything logic just isnt working and even i cant make ten dollars last for 3 or so weeks..and even if not eating for 3 weeks does sound really appealing the more i think about it..i suck at fasting anyway..and as of right now im kinda trying not to die or anything..all the same if the option is going home to just not really eating for a while..ill take not eating...logic pretty much just idnt going to work with that one and im sure if i think about it long enough ill realize it wont work but i still have another week before i have to really decide anything..

im actually starting to look forward to camp..more so if mommy would juts leave me alone about how much i wont like it...i wont even know till i get there and then if i dont like i just wont like and ill know not to go work at a camp again but if i do like it good for me i guess...not really that big a deal and its not like im going to decide tomorrow that i dont want to go to camp anymore..id rather go..a full summer away from everything..could be more fun than im giving it credit for minus the no full time computer access...computer withdrawl times 50 will suck for a while but then ill get used to it like i do everything else..
and this is depressing...ill have to find something else to write about

sayings

If you can't read my silence, you're nothing. elizabeth i

I lack the assurance of youth. I question everything. elizabeth i

We dream on a budget here - finding neverland

Every time you suppress some part of yourself or allow others to play you small, you are in essence ignoring the owner's manual your creator gave you and destroying your design. -Oprah

Every time you tell the truth, you free others to be truthful.-Oprah

Forgiveness is the ability to let go of the wish that you can change the past. -Oprah

disney stuff is great

yvonne got me a new game today..played it once and still lost..15 minutes into the game im completely bankrupt and still managing to get more debt..its the disney princess monopoly game..im horrible at monolopy so it seems..but anyway it was fun and since its monolopy junior the money doesnt count for as much as it could...but we played for like an hour and it was fun even if i lost by so much..took the better part of an hour to get out of debt and that was only after yvonne and i both rolled until i got the number i needed to get extra money..but it was a hang out with yvonne day and we went to the bank and to the grocery store and out to breakfast that passe for lunch, we went to the bookstore and toys r us and target and got caught in the rain and i walked over the railroad tracks twice in one day, i walked into a tree, got while chocolate m&ms from yvonne, came home and learned that you do not under any circumstances put dish detergent in the dishwasher..had to get the bubbles out somehow once we figured out that it was bad idea after i told her the dishwasher was exploding on the floor..and so she started it by throwing bubbles at me and i was only defending myself..so bubbles ended up all over everything..and i had soap in my hair and cold and wet is not as fun afterwards but throwing soap all over the kitchen was a lot of fun and it dissolved on its own so it worked out..i made pineapple cake because i just happened to want some..and were going to the pool tomorrow because i seriously lack in the whole swimming laps dept so ill have to work on that..ssooo its been a busy day..and it would have been a little better had i not been ready to cry in the grocery store...most of the time i can defend wha ti eat how ever little it may or may not be..but for some reason today i couldnt find anything i wanted at all..and it did worry me because i couldnt think of anything i liked and well duh i eat for the most part..and i knew ive needed to go to the store all week because our fridge is like empty..and still is for the most part...im almost back to where i was before and im pretty sure eating once a day isnt completely healthy..and we got on that i dont drink enough to save a starving person so i still spend a better part of my day thirsty as heck and not drinking anything..and i know i should i just dont get around to it...problem wwould be that i dont think i care..i keep thinking i should be more worried about a lot of things that i dont consider important..weird things like if i eat on a reg basis which is important but at the same time it doesnt matter that much..but its been a really really long day..and the weather is still gross..the thunder and stuff scared dusti out of the window last night and its raining again tonight..and i actually have to make an effort to not hang out in bed for the better part of two hours tomorrow..and try not to think about spending the better part of a month going to the pool so i can get better at swimming laps..

today

Today has been interesting…woke up in a rotten mood and spent most of the day worried out of my mind and staying busy enough to not do anything really stupid..guess it worked since I didn’t end up cutting…now im just awake and not really sleepy but im sure by the time im done writing ill remember that its past my bedtime…so since ill have the house to myself tomorrow I can get some cleaning done and figure out laundry and all that fun stuff…most likely ill just put it off again but im not at home and I can clean up as little or as much as I want to..and if I could actually remember that when it counts things wouldn’t feel so rushed for no reason..so anyway..still really worried about the whole teacher thing and I half talked about it with yvonne today when we went to dinner..she agrees that the teacher is just being mean for trying to change the grades around to get back at us in a way…the whole thing is really just irks my nerves..now I remember why I work incredibly hard at not getting mad..and it sucks because I don’t think I can really control it..i had to take something last night to make sure I went to sleep and even then I wasn’t really sleeping for a long time..note to self don’t take meds in the wrong amounts…woke up wrorrying, spent the day worrying and im still worried…I should be completely worried out and im not..not even close, ill worry until I see my grade and even then I don’t think it will be better…this particular teacher I just want to see fired, it would make my day to know she was fired because she isnt nice..well shes nice when she wants to be..not really fair for our class to just let her get another group of students to screw over for a semester…ugh ok umm so that issue is still I don’t know..i just known its not good right now…maybe ill go talk it over with my advisor sometime soon…so not really talkative this morning and actually slept for the most part until 9 because I kept waking up last night im not really sure when I went to bed..so played sims and tak for a while..played trivial pursuit with yvonne and listened to a cd..and she went to work and I hung out around the house until I had to get ready..we went to dinner and then we went to a musical theatre performance and it was really good..yvonne caved in and got me an autograph from one of the girls I like..but overall it was a really good performance and I realized how much I miss the whole watching preformances..not being on stage because that I didn’t like at all but watching I loved, listening to the music I really loved too..hence I listen to a lot of music..i spend most of my day listening to music and even if its depressing it makes me feel better or keeps me from getting any worse..another way to keep myself out of my head kinda…hmm something ive learned today or noticed at least because trying to explain it makes it seem like it doesn’t work…im an incredibly realistic and practical but I don’t know exactly how it works..i don’t think I can explain it either..maybe its just one of those things I know…like when yvonne says im the most controlled and put together person she knows and im with her almost everyday but someone else can tell me im guarded…but if I was asked to describe me all I can come up with is being quiet..ive heard patient, nice, kind, caring, honest, controlled, evil, mean, and some others im prolly forgetting…all from different people though..still really odd that people could swear ive never been stressed a day in my life and that’s people who haved lived with me..taly looks at me like im crazy when I say ive been busy or stressed or something..and given almost all of the time people see me I don’t let it be known if I am stressed or worried or mad or anything because there was no point in it…yvonne told me last week shes never heard me raise my voice at anyone, she also said shes never seen me angry don’t think ive asked her how she would describe me but maybe I will ..we talked about adoption today too..well transracial adoption because I talked about it in one of my classes and I don’t have a problem with it and neither does she…we have decided that im going to adopt with I want kids and shes gonna have kids..2.5 kids to be exact and then I get to be the aunt who gives them everything they want which still would be tons of fun for me…where will we be 10 years from now? What will we be doing..will we even still see each other..life would be just a bit empty with out yvonne hanging around to do things with..

unfortunate

so im n ot dead yet..slgihty drugged but not dead..had a headache fore the etter part of a day and finally gave in and took something for it..and now im fighting sleep and not making any sense..maybe if im lucky ill sleep through tomorrow but knowing me ill be up at my usual time..i was going to sleep earlir and kenyetta came by with her baby and her baby is so cute..but it woke me up and then i played sims until i got bored and just kept thinkinag about how much everything sucks right now.i dont know what i want but since yvonnes not here it doesnt matter that much because if i wanted anthing i wouldnt be getting it..sleep tonight and somehow think of a way to not b e around tomorrow becuase i dont want to talk to anyone..sucks im almost out of meds that make me sleep..next would be staying awake but id rather just sleep the next three weeks away and forget about everything..didnt want to cut and all thats left is sleeping but i sill have to wake up tomorrowo and then i dont know nothing to do ..ill just think about everything and make myself feel worse i want to braek something and i have to keep out of the kitchen so i dont break anything..i dont like when im angry because then it takes forever to make it go away again and it sucks because its not the same reaction like hwat goes with being sad..still eventually got around to cnosidering cutting all other ideas werent good enough..could cut but i havent i dont want to not really.i wanted to cry earlier still do kinda i want to get lost somewhere and not come back ever..maybe ill be the second person on saturn..dont remembr if saturn is hot or cold cas i want to go to a cold place..relly cold and then ill walk around in a tshirt and freeze to death before i make it three steps..i cant find my bear anymoreo and i had her and i wan herso i wont get bad dreams and i hope i dont get sick..played the word association game with yvonne yesterday and that game can get depressing awfully fast..im not good the first word kinda things i can do secod or third word.. i think my arm died on me.doesnt really matter sence im forgetting what i want to say..ming is taking up my bed and i want to kick her off but thats to much efort so ill have to share

angry is not the word

there is no word in the english dictionary that can fully get how mad i am..yes i am perfectly fine about a lot of things and i can let a lot of things go but i just flat out refuse to let it go when my grade hangs in the balance of the most idiotic teacher ive ever had..and thats saying something because the lady is a freakin social worker and a bad one so it seems..earlier in the semester she got mad becasue one of the girls in the class sent her an email asking her to slow down or make copies of her notes because no one can keep up with she says in class etc...so the next class she comes in and me being clueless as to what went on wonder why it looked like she was about to cry in front of the class..well she gave this whole speech that flat out called us stupid and that it was our fault if we werent keeping up wtih the readings and it wasnt her responsibilty to make sure we knew what she was talking about when it went with the chapters in the book..and it would have been fine and dandy if she had left out the stupid part..no i didnt do the readings..but i came to class..no one did the readings ..and for the rest of the class no one said anything..after class i found out about the email that went to the teacher and i had to agree with it..this is the second time ive had her as a teacher and yes she does talk really fast and its hard to keep up with what she says..she knew this already, we told her in research, we asked every class if she could slow down and say stuff over...and now its an issue..so the whole thing went to the director of the dept and they didnt do anything about it...after that i never wanted to go to class..i didnt have a reason to listen to anything she said..theres that whole you have to earn respect to get it and she just didnt have mine anymore..but i still did my work, i turned in my work and i still showed up for class..didnt listen or talk in class but then i dont talk in any of my classes so that was nothing new..today i find out that she will be giving grades on participation..and only on that..all the work i busted my butt to do wont count at all and that really really makes me mad..i dont talk in class and thats because i dont like talking much..i didnt talk in this class because i didnt like her..but its not fair to grade on participation when there is other work i already have grades for..and in the handout from the beginning of the semester participation is only supposed to be worth 10 points..not a complete grade and its not fair ..i can handle losing most of those 10 points if i have to but i know my grades and i know im sitting somewhere in the b range..which im perfectly fine with...anything lower than that just isnt right or fair..ive worked way to hard to get my grades up to run into this now..geez even yvonne said in not so many words that the teacher bordered really heavily on being disrespectful towards the class and yvonne was in my class for less than 10 mminutes..ive had the lady for two semesters and the first time i was in her class i got the feeling she didnt like me..nothing to complain about i did myy work and ended up with an a in the class..this semester i guess the feelings were mutual..it takes a heck of a lot to get on my bad side and me being who i am i let a heck of a lot of stuff go for various reasons but now the choice is seriously bordering on me failing or passing a class that i dont need to fail only because i didnt participate..that whole stand up for your rights thing comes to mind and even if i might be the most agreeable person i know with just about everything i can think of i guess the line has to be drawn somewhere..

jealous

kinda sucks a lot when i realize i am jealous and i want to think im happy for her..i could swear and down i was happy for her and almost of the the time i am..but some nights like tonight when she is so happy and then talking about like grown up stuff with me ie sex..but talking about her relationship compared to nothing ive ever gone through gets a bit confusing because she wants my advice on the subject and i give her what i know but its not based on anything ive done...mostly just things ive picked up here and there, things i just know not to do..and after like the third topic change i realized that what yvonne has confused or not about it..its a good thing and i want what she has..i just dont really think ill get it..my whole warped vision of what love is and isnt will just get me in trouble..but all the same the being jealous part completely overshadows the being happy part..and the whole thing really just makes me hate myself more, because a lot of the time i do get a bit annoyed with yvonne for going on and on about her bf and because its not like we can exchange stories or anything on the subject..but i listen and talk and advise because well i just do and then im happy and completely loving hearing what they done or what trouble they manage to get into becuase they are funny and special ..but then i realize i dont have stories like that and if i did i dont know if i would bother telling anyone else about them..but still being jealous just gets in the way..now that im thinking about it i cant get it out of my head..it makes me want to cry..i dont like myself i cant expect someone else to do it for me or in place of me..i dont think there is a such thing as being able to form a relationship with someone when one person has to like the other person enough for both of them..it would wear them out in the long run and it wouldnt last without a heck of a lot of help..therapy comes to mind but it would just be really hard...the more i think about relationships in general the more i just refuse to be touched..its more than a protection thing i guess..almost always im fine with being by myself..not counting this weekend because i cut becasue i was feeling alone and still am..but when i start thinking about why i just happen to be alone it makes me feel worse about everything and more alone than ever..and i guess ill go to bed before i completely lock myself in a dark room or smoething

sucky couple days

i keep forgetting that im supposed to be working on accepting compliments ie good stuff and so when i hear it im not thinking about it..and then like half a minute later i do remember and go back and say thanks..and even though i say it i dont really believe it..my first thought when i hear anything good is that they are liars and second thought is say thanks and forget it..you would think i was walking in front of a firing squad when all i have to do is say thanks..i think it would be easier to do almost anything else..ill take any other homework now

when did things begin to change? it didnt happen all at once so i guess it was one of those gradual things that i wouldnt have noticed if it hadnt been pointed out to me..i question a lot of stuff but not as much as i do now..i spend a heck of a lot of time figuring stuff out, if that could be a job i would be rich by now..i just like knowing the why behind stuff and with mommy i cant do that..so i just half question stuff about her and question the heck out of everything else..

dont feel like writing anymore...this b eing the third one ive started and stopped

things to never do

lesson 1

marshmallows will blow up if you try to roast them in the microwave..but they get really big before they blow up..fun to watch and a pain in the butt to clean up

dreams

saying im scared would be an understatement..wake up on edge kinda thing..the suns out and i have to check under my bed to make sure theres nothing there..im starting to notice all the dreams i remember are about being chased..well a lot of them are any way..the one i had this morning was about being taken to this school place or an old house but i went there with someone i knew..i dont think i would have gone if it had been someone i didint know but anyhow they got me there..and i think it was someone i trusted enough to follow in the first place..but still i went and as usual things are never really what they seem..the place made me think of a hospital..some part of it was about getting blood and testing it for a reason i dont know..and i kept trying to get out and they kept chasing me..they keep managing to find me and i just end up being chased by some lady with a needle..had she caught me i really think she would have killed me..i dont think ive ever managed to really die in a dream though..but if you die dreaming does that mean you dont wake up again? i dont know but ive had this dream once before..same thing though..i end up somewhere i dont need to be and when i figure it out i try to get out and it doesnt actually work and i never know how it ends..just running though..always running from something thats trying to get me..ok someone who is trying to get me..my dreams seriously follow the same patterns..if i wanted to think about the ones i remember..like the time i dreamed i was stuck in this house that happened to be in some secret place under an airport..no idea how i managed to find it but once i was there i couldnt get out again..couldnt find the way out or who ever was there just wasnt letting me get out..or the other school one that ended up with me in the middle of something i didnt want to be dealing with..and if i got to wake up i didnt have to but anyway not a good idea to bring it up now..so my dreams end up being about being trapped or chased..im always somewhere i shouldnt be and then i end up being the one hurt or i cant help the one who is being hurt..and the dream i had where i couldnt help still left me trapped in a way..and that dream i dont want to have again either..dreams suck so it seems..as if i dont enough during the day to not think about anything i have to dream about all of it in completely off the wall ways..and then when explained doesnt seem that far off base which makes it all the more crummier..

thinking

what i would i do if i couldnt write..i think i would be able to drive myself crazy in less than a week..with no where for my thoughts to go i really could drive myself up the wall and it would be really fast...im in a depressing mood and watching rent and making it worse...the longer im by myself the more i want to cut...i keep thinking about when yvonne asked if i knew anything about cutting from my classes and that conversation could have been so different..i still feel a little guilty because she said she didnt know how to help her find and i could have just turned around and told her that she has lived with me for a year and shes helped without knowing she was helping..but i didnt..i dont know if ill ever tell her..or maybe i will when we arent living togethr anymore..dont know..

ive been trying

semesters over

hard to believe that the semester is already over for me...suddenly im that much closer to graduating and i have no idea what im going to be doing..ive offically passed my final general ed req..im done..and that really worries me for some reason..like i have no reason to be in school anymore hence they are about to make me graduate but i have no idea what im supposed to be doing after that? real world, get a job, establish myself..who do they think im trying to be?! id rather just i dont know do anything else but reality must set in at some time and bills dont pay themselves...oh well at least i have no one semester left for putting off thinking about all that.

went to the movies yesterday and saw casanova..went the day before that and saw the new world..went shopping on monday..wow tuesday was the only day i didnt do anything fun..no classes dont count as fun..went and did my make up test yesterday and i hope i did ok on it..but back to yesterday..it was fun, went to class and almost fell asleep in bio and that was only after i found out i wouldnt have to take the exam but i would have to sit through the whole class to sign the roll saying i stayed and woouldnt have to take it..yvonne came to two of my classes an inadvertently had to sit through both of them..one longer than the other but still not the most interesting classes ive had to sit through..i was a dork and didnt eat like i should have yesterday and so by 5 i wasnt feeling good and i was so sleepy..some of that being left over from bio but still i knew better...so we went to dinner downtown and it was really good minus the veggies on my plate..and we played phase 10 and went to expressions on a whim cause it was my bright idea to go in..ive always wanted to look i nthe store and yesterday was as good a day as any to do it..its actually a pretty interesting store..a lot of it just wasnt for me but theres tons of stuff to look at and i bought a talisman necklace..senerity and inner strength...i looked at all of them and there were some for happiness and love and everything but the only one i really liked was the one i got..its pretty though..wonder what mommy will say when she sees it..just a little worried she might make me take it off..hmm guess ill have to worry about that when it happens...if it happens...and then we went and saw casanova and it was good, it was funny, it was scandalous..good heavens but its was ok, not to many people having fun at the same time, but still really funny..and at least i didnt choke on a cookie..and i threw half a cookie at yvonne and i was having a perfectly fine night until i called mommy cas she called me and i didnt get it..some things it makes perfect sense to get yelled at about and for some things its just stupid..topic of the night was shoes..how do i get yelled at for wearing the wrong shoes..and its been a week or so since i did it but i still manage to get yelled at so i remember to never do it again...
never good enough one way or another.

rant

i keep half remembering and then forgetting what im thinking about..but time management is not my thing and all night ive been thinking of a way to make everything work out for today so i can come and take my test and go the the thing on campus and write my paper and not skip any classes ugh..time is never my friend and its the last day of classes for me..no idea where the semester went..working really hard to catch up and make sure ive turned everything in..i still have to figure out when i have exams and im really hoping i wont have to take the bio one...the weather just doesnt like me much so i go back and forth between wearing my jacket and not wearing it and some times im actually not cold go figure..i just wear it cause i dont like my arms much and im back to wearing tshirts and so i keep my jacket on as much as i can..but i figured out that all my stupid pants are getting to big for me..and thatsw saying something i guess..my fav pair of capris will be falling off completely pretty soon..and for some reason im not happy about that..conisdering i change how i eat like every week i dont really think much about the weight hting if someone asked..then i can just look at them like they have lost their mind but all the same i guess i have ...hmm i wonder if that can count as one of my good things or something..but all the same it annoys the heck out of me because i hate wearing belts and if i dont find one soon i wont be able to wear anything but then maybe i get to stay in the house all day..all the same back to half not eating anyway..and that doesnt bother me..not drinking bothers me a lot more..its to hot for me to only manage drinking less than 3ooz of anything..prolly still not even getting close to that either..

nothing

oddest question of the week...is mommy jealous of me? maybe not jealous but when i thought it up jealous was the first thing that came to mind..and then of course i had to laugh at just how off the wall that thought is..someone jealous of me is the same as someone walking off the earth..and everyone knows that is just not gonna happen..so how i thought it up..i was walking by myself across campus in the middle of the night and was half listening to music and half thinking..im still surprised i manage night to run into anything when i walk and think about a million things at the same time..before i talked to harris earlier i talked to mommy and of course went through the same old stuff but she said that harris had gotten something else for me..and that they are always getting me things but they rarely get her anything..and i didnt thinkabout it when i heard it because shes said it before..and while iwas in the movie tonight i remembered it and i dont know why she would keep bringing it up if she didnt like it or either she was jealous..riley and harris are two kids i really do like and for some reason they really like me..they still cry for me to come over, they cry when i have to go home, they call and now email me..and all i do is spend the weekend playing with them when i can..video games and online games, cooking and tons of movies, we play board games and shot targets in the backyard..for two days they have my undivided attention and somehow i have become etched into there existence if i want to be or not im there..and i dont even know why it would matter that much..i didnt start out babysitting them with the goal in mind to make them like me..there are times they annoy me so much and i dont want to be at there house or the times i dont let them do something or send them to bed early and they all but tell me they dont like me..and still an hour later they are back to sitting in my lap or wanting me to do something with me..weird how it works out actually..but i still dont get why it would make her jealous..but i really think she is maybe not a lot but enough to bring it up and point it out that i get special treatment sometimes..and then she has to make me feel horrible to make up for it or something..its not fair..

when i was asked why its harder to accept the good stuff over bad things i didnt really know except that it was just easier..but i do know..im starting to wonder what i dont know..and its not really i know i just dont notice it until it gets pointed out or i have to think up an answer..so anyway..good over bad isnt easy because as soon as i start to like something it will get taken away or just go away..if its good and i like it then i cant keep it..letting go though is different from accepting it i think..might not be..ended up talking half about suicide and other stuff..annnnnd darn now i forgot what i was going to say

kids are great

and i fully believe that as long as they arent mine...i got a call from harris when i got home today and he bought me a book as a surprise..i had been telling him that i wouldnt be able to go and see the new pirates of the carribean when it comes out over the summer becasue ill be at camp and he tells me today that he got me the book so ill have it to read at camp...so majorly nice of him..i told him i would have to come home and get it one weekend and then of course stay the whole weekend..wont be the first weekend in may 5..tali is graduating and ive been invited to her weekend of partying...hence her weekend of being as drunk as possible for two days..and i will so be responsible and and get just drunk enough to not care for two days ..will be fun though..going to a movie tonight i think..will keep me busy for a while and then ill have to get back to studying for my test that im taking tomorrow

delayed reaction

im such a dork..mommy was in another car accident and granny is in the hospital because she had a heart attack..mommy is ok and shes back at home now and in the process of trying to go see granny in ohio..and this is from like over the weekend and the end of last week and for some reason i didnt realize any of it until yesterday..i dont know maybe i was just ignoring it or maybe i didnt want to realize or think about any of it but now that i am it really sucks..i dont want to think about granny dying and all her health problems are justgetting worse and its not like we will get a chance to visit again anytime soon..mommy may go maybe but its the end of the semester and i dont want to just up and leave, i dont want incompletes and have to still turn in work when i get back..im going to camp ini june and my small 3 week vacation with nothing to do is looking really appealing and its incredibly not nice for me to not want to visit when i have nothing else to do..but i dont have money to do that either..still doesnt make me feel b etter about not wanting to go see her cause if she dies i dont know what ill do..first thought is not going to the funeral at all..no idea how i would get out of it but i dont want to go if it happens..i dont like them and i would just really rather not go to one..feeling incredibly mean right now..and now all the good news i got yesterday for school junk just cancels out..its not that important and i keep thinking about it..grades kinda do matter if i want to graduate..but i cant compare grades to family stuff..and the two really arent related at all but because its all i have right now ill take grades to family stuff..if i think about it to much ill just start feeling guilty again..but its not as bad as it was with mommys other accident..really no idea what i would do if mommy actually dies..major guilt trip for thinkingabout all the times i was younger and just wished she would go away to leave me alone and if it took her dying to make it happen i didnt care..but now shes been in two car accidents in a year both bad and some how i almost believed they were my fault..the first one more than the second one..like if i wished hard enough i could make her just leave..stupid

fun

note to self...licking marshmellows does not make them stick to someones hand..i went out with yvonne yesterday night and we went to dinner and shopping and she added going to the grocery store so i would go..no idea why i like the grocery store so much but i do...then it was decided we were going to make rice krispy treats and i was the difficult one and said i wanted chocolate chips and sprinkles in mine..and so we are going to put chocolate chips and sprinkles in them..we didnt make them last night though because we came in to late..so we will do it another night..and i looked at all the books in barnes and nobles..sat on the floor in hallmark beccause by 9 i was sleepy..actually ate dinner..froze to death because it was raining and there wasnt a lining thing in my jacket to it was cold and i was cold and wet..luckily it didnt rain all night or it would have sucked a lot more..talked about marraige and lack there of on my part but noy my fault i can bring it up now that yvonne has a boyfriend..i have to stay entertained some how..yvonne just puts up with it for some reason i havent figured out yet cas i bring it up every other week or so..shes half planning my none exisitent wedding anyway so it works out..i stayed busy enough not to cut when i really wanted to..talking to mommy does that really easy..but i didnt anyway..we played in the parking lot waiting on the bus and i wasnt doing anything but standing on the little bright yellow parking lot thingys and decided i wanted to conquer it and so yvonne decided to push me off..not that it took much work cas my balance is horrible so i kept falling off and pulling her with me..i lost like 5 games of rock paper sissors..and for making me lose my stick i of course licked a marshmellow and stuck it on her hand..i had planned on just throwing it at her but licking it was more fun..she stuck it on me when i wasnt looking and it was so gross..finally made it home and i cleaned up most of my junk all over the floor in my room and she did homework and then i finally went to bed..

before all of that i actually finally did my paper i had been putting off for forever and turned it in..i have to do some other work today and then maybe ill actually catch up with stuff..classes end for me on thursday..scary thought really..no idea what im going to do with myself not counting the camp thing but not being in classes for the summer..weirdness really..and i played video games so responsibly yesterday..because i just had to get my paper done and stop putting it off..actually working on it didnt even take that long and i could have done it a long time ago but i just didnt want to pretty much..i think im going to the movies on campus this week and next week..huge incentive for being free..yvonne is going home for the weekend and i think ill end up dog sitting but that will be ok

from yesterday

Just kinda feel like writing tonight not that that says anything..im forever writing something…still at home and all ive learned once again is that I really don’t like depending on other ppl to do stuff…now more than ever I wish I had my license so I could come and go as I please..no spending time looking for rides or waiting for someone to get some free time..now im just really mad at myself for not getting my license when I was in high school..even if I didn’t want it I should have gotten it…ugh stupid me..nias friends spent the weekend here and that didn’t bother me cas it was just two of them and I was gone for half of the weekend..but tonight all of her friends came over and my being who I am and not liking to many ppl around me at once started to feel completely trapped and in my own stupid house..well mommys house but close enough…I was in the middle of cleaning the house when they got back and so it was like endless people back and forth and I just wanted to tell them not to touch anything..my small ocd tendency prolly..but good grief if im cleaning up don’t mess anything up or touch anything because if I come back and something is not where I left it then ill just get mad and still fix it…no big deal I guess but its to hot here and its seriously making me cranky..i really prefer being cold to being hot..at least if its cold I can just put on more clothes..if its hot I can only take off so much..i know the air is broken upstairs but I don’t know about downstairs and im not about to be the one to turn it on and get in trouble or blow up the house or something..so hot it is..

Went to church this morning and the service was nice, julius and justin didn’t sing though but still it was really good from a completely non believing stance..it reminded me of catrinas church except at her church theres a lady pastor and while I was at sissys church I really started missing the whole church scene..might have just been missing the people at that church..i really want to see tracy and some other ppl..tracy gives really good hugs…gosh I havent been there in 2 years I think..i was thinking about it today and for as much as I don’t believe in church I still liked going..minus all the people and being close to ppl I don’t know..part of the reason I stopped going was because expects me to go and I don’t help it any by lying and saying im going..now I think I would go a bit more than I do if the choice was mine to make.. rebel 101 ..if someone keeps trying to make you do something and theres no way to get caught if you lie about it then by all means lie until you are caught…and there really is no way to catch me in this one unless I just flat out said I wasn’t going..i might just surprise the heck out of catrina and ask her if I can go to church with her one Sunday just to listen..so the church talk today was all about letting go of your past..i could swear sometimes its written on my forehead or something junk I need to hear..doesn’t matter if I want to believe it or not because if I hear it and start questioning it then I got something out of it…it doesn’t take a lot to get me to question some things..and if its something im having a really hard time getting in general then I can question everything I hear about it..given I don’t want to have to think about any of this stuff anymore but I cant exactly let it go either…forgive and forget came up..and I cant forget it if I don’t remember it and I cant remember it if im afraid to find all of it out..but I don’t let myself remember it maybe because I don’t want to forgive…I don’t really think I blame anyone else for how I grew up or what happened..im pretty sure I don’t but taking the blame is just as bad if its something I couldn’t control..i want to say I could control it..i want to take all of it and deal with it to stop myself from blaming someone else…but something stops me from really doing that completely…like somehow I really do know it didn’t work out like that and eventually ill find out the truth and until I do I wont let myself go any farther with anything..i keep hearing that accepting things as they are is really the important thing..and ive thought about it so much, ive argued with myself over it and I still cant decide..i don’t want to give up what little control I do have..no one can make me talk..everyone who knows highly advises I do though..and highly adivse still isnt making me do it..but I still go to therapy for some reason..the decision is still mine for that but I still show up..talk about nothing most of the time but I go..there is some reason for me going and its because she listens to me no matter how stupid the topic is…some weird working relationship that if it had to be broken down I have no idea how it formed..that would be one of those complex things youo don’t want to even have to begin to explain…somehow it works even if I sometimes don’t want it to..not that it makes things worse but its just a way to get new things to think about…I wonder if I can run out of space in my head…there has to be a limit to how many things can get crammed in there before I short circuit or something…just my luck ill be able to think about all of at once without anything happening..maybe ill just drive myself crazy ..could be fun but if I want to graduate I wont be doing that in any type of public way…majorly stressing to feel like im constantly going crazy thinking about something or working out some idea..it makes me think of being in this huge room, empty of course without a way in or out..i cant get out but no one can get in to get me either..theres no help but then theres no pain either not counting what I do..i don’t know what im waiting for but im waiting for something…maybe im waiting for the worse to happen..but whats the worse? Good grief ive seriosuly considered suicide and I don’t think it can get worse than that…im not afraid to die but I don’t think I want to die either..just seems like a good way out at times…and of course im really really careful but still..hmm wonder why I keep writing about suicide…its on my mind lately I guess..way more than it should be but in indirect ways..i seem to have some trouble doing anything directly when my head is involved..im starting to worry about everything..i have to worry..reminds me im not dead it..i could just cut to remember that but worrying works until it gets out of hand and then ill cut anyway...lately purging is back in my head..i keep telling myself i cant do it because getting nosebleeds isnt good and id rather they werent anymore frequent than they were..stopped again for now..maybe that’s why im thinking about it againa…maybe because I came home and mommy just got on my case again about losing weight..abck and forth..either I lose to fast or not fast enough..there is not common middle ground but its never good enough..always something that can be done better or differently…writing that just makes me feel really sad and hurt but not a really clear cut hurt..its bigger than that..deeper than that, just kinda hard to pinpoint I just know its there..writing about things that really make me sad makes me think of being little and being really hurt..the kind of hurt a bandaid and a hug just doesn’t fix not that I would have gotten either…but like I got hurt and then I went away hypothecally of course to fix my hurts but I never came back..doesn’t make sense because I know its there..i just cant really say why or how it got there I guess..im pretty sure if I reread that ill find out it doesn’t make any sense..like I know ive been hurt more ways than one but since I didn’t let myself cry over it, I had to find another way to cry, I had to find somewhere else to cry, somewhere that wouldn’t get me in trouble..my head is good for losing stuff like that..maybe that’s why I know I hurt but I cant find it..i know I cry but I cant find that either.i put a maze in my head and then I was a dork and forgot the way to get through it or in it for that matter..i really don’t think ive even begun to work on anything..tons of roadblocks..all made by me of course..somehow I knw it would come to this and I made it so hard to get any information what so ever..i confuse myself most of the time..but sometimes I can see everything so clearly it doesn’t make sense…if I was asked I wouldn’t b e able to say how any of it worked but I know…seriously I know a lot more than I give myself credit for..but then knowing it and applying it are two very different things…does there always have to be two sides to everything? Why cant it just be one way and I can just leave it alone..that would be making things to easy though and ill be doomed to forever go back and forth between everything..even if I know what I want to say..even if I know the whys behind everything I don’t know if ill ever say them…I was afraid, I am afraid..am I wasting my life? I want to think I should have done more than ive done..life is leaving me behind or kicking me out..wonder how I can get kicked out of my life..im pretty sure its possible though and if it ever happens I guess ill know what it is…at least now im tired enough to jhust sleep

today & yesterday

today is easter and we are going to church..me nia and henry are going to sissys church because her boys are in the choir and she wants us to see them..since mommy is out of town it will be a lot better..i can wear what i want too..mommy had been telling me all week what to wear and i said ok and then i just brought home what i wanted to wear..works out better and if she doesnt know then i wont have to get in trouble about it..when i showed nia the first thing she asked was if that was what mommy wanted me to wear and i said no..i dont think nia will end up wearing wht mommy picked out for her either..maybe i dont care much about appearance because mommy makes it so important..sometimes i do but not alot..so anyway..no need to be sad since i like hanging out with sissy and her kids and it has been a long time since nia henry and i went to church together..its been a long time since ive been to church period. so we are doing church and mommy left money for all of us to go out for dinner and then back to school for me for video games and homework..more video games than homework but ill make al ittle bit of an effort..

i did end up working some this weekend..not as much as i needed too but i have some extra money at least..watching riley without harris around is a lot of fun..the same way harris by his self without riley is a lot of fun..they argue to much when they are together sometimes and im forever making sure they arent hitting each other..but still i had riley overnight and it was actually fun, we watched remember the titans and the end of lord of the rings..we played video games and neopets and he took a 5 min shower..boys can take some quick showers..a quick shower for me is like 10 mins no matter what but mostly i can hang out in the shower for like 20 mins..good place to think..anyway riley has gotten a little hooked on ebay and i had to tell him over and over they he needed a bank acct and an email address and all this stuff he didnt have and he thought up the bright idea for me to order it for him and he would pay me back and it actually would have worked lol..but i didnt want to do that and he is trying to get an xbox 360 and i had to go over why it wassnt a good idea to get one for like 2 bucks when the game system is 400 by itsself..so he talked to his mom and we finally agreed on me helping him set up an email acct..and we did it and i made him practice getting into it by his self without any help and now he can check and write email..i told him he was offically on the internet now because he has an email address..and then he needed someone to write too so i gave him my email..and he has been emailing me back and forth..the first one i got from him was a surprise because he was practicing and so he told me to leave so he could email me..well i did and i got an email from him that said thanks and that i was the best babysitter for helping him set up all his email stuff..and it was completely unexpected but still really nice to get..i told him he was the coolest 9 yr old i know..its fun getting email from him. dee gave me an easter gift yesterday before i came home and that was really nice of her..and since i like bath and body works it was a great gift..

i went to the movies last night with henry and saw scary movie 4 and it was funny..those movies are pretty funny by themselves but it was fun getting to see it last night..there are still a bunch of movies i want to see but ill have to wait with the whole movies are free part of things..nia has friends staying over and i dont mind or anything as long as they clean up what they pull out..hmmm nothing left to talk about..and i have to finish getting ready

hm

i had something to write about but now ive forgotten what it was..i think it was one of those half asleep half awake kind of things and i knew i wanted to remember to write it down when i woke up..but then i woke up and just wanted to go back to bed and so now i forgot what it was..i guess if i was important ill remember it again..not feeling good and ive once again forgotten my vitamins..its been a couple days i think and i wont get them back until sunday..i think ill have to start carrying them in my bag so i stop forgetting to take them..

me and henry were talking about beer pong yesterday.fun but completely weird and random..