long day

finally im starting to feel half way normal again...i might actually try to listen to what mommy said and not worry about it for now..sure it will only last for a few days but i need a break so ill take what i can get..today was well a heck of a long day..classes should just be banned and lets make the world a better place...still woke up feeling like i had been run over with something my back hurt so much..what ever i did i swear ill never ever ever do it again! but its getting better now so maybe its not so bad..policy was ok, practice bores me to tears..and i finally finally managed a 100 on my bio quiz and then of course i started swearing i put the wrong answer down and hmm maybe i failed but still i know i should have made a 100..rats now ill worry until thursday when i get my score back..anyhoo hlth was ok..depressing but not horribly so..i think it will take me the whole semester to get used to that class..and while im on the subject why havent i gone to get an hiv test? well besides the obvious i dont have a reason but still now i think it would make me feel better to be 100% sure. hmm got to finally catch an episode of supernatural and that was gret of course..my weekly scare and decent looking guys are always fun for an hour of my night..and thats pretty much how dull my day was..took my vitamin yay me..and im such a dork but still after almost 6 months of skipping them heck 2 weeks is an accomplishment.

randomly today i was thinking how much i want kids..like seriously..and once i realized where it was going i stopped the thoughts or tried to..but still its like weird everyone expects me to have kids first! do i look like a parent or something? is it written somewhere that i am destined to have kids?? and then i think of growing up and how i was so positive i wanted to have kids..twins actually..two little girls..one would be named nicole of course and the other i dont know yet but my first daughter just has to be nicole..other wise she really will be forgotten completely..i think she has been forgotten but i try to remember even if it is just what ive been told i still try eventhough it makes me so sad *deep breath*..hmm right now im really liking savannah or sierra as names for daughters..i think those are pretty names..i think of if ill see olivia over break or justin and julius..suddenly i miss all my kids i watched..the more i think about it though the more its like my drive for having kids really has nothing to do with the kid..yes babies are cute and soft and completely lovable without trying and for some reason smell so good all the time minus the diaper arena..but really its nothing to do with the actual kids..its for the relationship. having a baby is like having someone who needs you completely, they depend on you for safety, food, love, all of that stuff without attachments..so i realized that today..and then of course i got back around to my usual stuff as in heck no im not having kids..one im not doing what it takes to get kids and the actual having a baby part makes me hurt thanks to all the stupid hospital birth scenes on tv where the women scream bloody murder at everyone..funny yes but still painful and im not sure i could take a shot in the back..yet another ouch factor..and besides i would be a horrible parent..all that stuff about how you turn out to be just like your mom is something i just odnt happen to want and if it takes not having kids to make sure it doesnt then so be it..maybe henry or nia or wayne even will have kids before me and i can help them...henry and nia most likely..i told henry once that when he had kids i would just keep them for him to make sure they did things like eat ..henry will need all the help he can get when it comes to kids lol..hmm was it him or wayne who put the diaper on backwards?! not that i can speak heck i put shoes on the wrong foot..another good point my kids are so going barefoot until theres like 3 and then ill just put letters on the bottom of their shoes for them and save myself the trouble..hmm ok rant on kids over for now..its just creepy that sometimes i still want kids, huge responsibilty or not..but it wont be happening any time soon, any time in the near or far future either if i can help it...

hmm the weather is weird as anything..to hot but im cold, to cold but im hot..i swear rawl just induces hot flashes when you walk in the building that had the heat on so high..ugh..and as much as i hate being hot,,im possibly working at a camp..essh but that interview will be next week and i cant forget that..along with a bunch of other stuff i will have to get done..oh well ive rambled enough i guess and now im tired

sick

im sick of being sad

sunday

for some reason these days just never want to end. i have no idea what to do with myself..i did my hair at least it was starting to annoy me and thats about all..i havent even cleaned up the huge mess i left in the bathroom. i got a call about the camp thing and i have to do a phone interview next week for that. otherwise are the same i guess but i did talk myself into painting last night..weird pictures that i of course cant explain..started a new book and nothing is on tv so im watching dark angel..i really want to watch higer ground and im not sure how that will make me feel..sometimes its ok and sometimes its not. one of these days mommy is going to catch me lying about the church stuff..i really really hope that she doesnt but still it makes me feel guilty..i know i dont go and i have yvonne on call to lie for me if it even comes up and mommy asks her if i go to church or something...it really shouldnt be a big deal and it is..and hmm sometimes i wonder if i should go back and at least give it another try but church just isnt my thing..maybe its just religion in general or maybe its just i dont trust what i cant see..ok ill go for the last choice..i dont even trust what i can see..hmm im back to letting everything slack off again, i dont want to be bothered but yvonne is worried and paying a bit more attention to me when she can..she got into a play and now she will be uber busy and ill be by myself alot..not that im worried ill do anything because ill just bore myself to tears and sleep more than i should to keep myself from doing anything..i dont want to be bothered and i dont want to be alone really either..thats like the sad and mad thing..theres always something that has to be at odds with each other in my head..it cant just leave me alone...im trying to think of something i want to eat but ive munched all day on junk food and now i want to go b/p but i dont want to cook to have a reason to but its one of those things i just know ill do eventually and i should go ahead and do it to get it over with..so wants going on that has completely screwed my head up for my weekly crisis..i found out thursday that i wont be getting fin aid for next semester and its not like i have thousands of dollars just lying around for me to use..its my fault it happened though and if i hadnt screwed things up for almost two years then my grades wouldnt have sucked and i would have graduated on time and i wouldnt be stuck now..mommy says not to worry and i said ok but i will worry i am worried..i dont know what im supposed to be doing..i keep thinking that if i am suicidal then i have to tell someone..im stuck telling someone and so i keep talking myself out of it but it takes so much work doing that..finding something to stick around for..and now linda and jenny are asking me to make sure i dont go anywhere..talk about random conversations..it really sucks promising that though.feeling to much and nothing is dulling it out..still i promise to try and i think about what happened to susan and she said she would try and i havent heard from her in overa year, she promised to try and she didnt..no idea where she is or even if shes even alive anymore..and that sucks because i really really wanted her to be ok..we were supposed to do so much stuff, we talked about the oddest stuff and it was ok with her..but now i dont know..too much going on..my whole little be nicer to myself im so planning on starting that in a few weeks..after you know i stop sucking so much

long day

no better, a little worse. still wanting to go away but i dont know..yvonne is worried and that my fault to for writing what i did in my other journal..maybe i did want her to worry but not that soon..she in turn wrote this whole long thing about why im around and eventually got around to telling me she needs me and i dont get that often..i dont ask for it either but this morning when i read what she wrote for the first time it was a huge surprise..some of that stuff i had forgotten and she said she is going to add more stuff to the list and i told her not to and she said she will anyway..im hoping she will forget about it. maybe ill print it out so ill have it just to have. i still cant really put whats going on in my head into words yet..im so mad and sad at the same time..no idea how they work so well together but for now they are and i think it will all just end up with me at the health center getting my leg looked at..still its starting to not hurt anymore and all i want to do is add more to them..well not burn again but i dont know about that either really

hurt

everything in my head is just yelling at me to say im fine and i really really really want to but them i remember why i wont be able to sleep tonight and i know im not really fine..if i said i was fine all day long then maybe ill get around to believing it again. i think ill have to come up with something else to be besides fine. oh like maybe the whole truth..not that i lie i just dont like ppl worrying and fine is just fine..not good not bad just somewhere in the middle. at least i was calmer today..but ive learned calm is not exactly always a good thing..im still stuck in major blame and nothing is helping..i keep trying to make it go way and nothing is working..prolly not picking the safest things i could think of to try but im not really into dangerous zone either..yet..and everything hurts and im not complaining but i wouldnt mind sleeping off all of it for a long while..i want to forget what ive done but i cant do that either..now i just wonder what im doing and what ive done in less than 24 hrs and why it wont stop and why it has to hurt and why i just cant manage to make it all go away.

if today got any better i would be dead and even thats not good enough..this is my fault and nothing will change that

dont know

something is seriously bothering me i just dont know what yet...kinda funny i got completely lost in the hospital today..all the construction around the hospital had my usual way blocked off..so i learned a new way and maybe the hospital isnt as creepy as i like to think it is..i found the gift shop..but crossing the street is still really scary with the whole moving cars thing..hmm today i figured out that maybe im not a compelete lost cause..why i dont know but since i dont see it ill let to let other ppl see it for me..and i got that i dont really need mommy to make myself feel horrible..ive perfected the art of being mean to myself..the whole control thing will take some time as will a heck of a lot of other stuff..im trying incredibly hard to not start yelling at myself cas i really want to just to do it..still working on the emotion thing and so far ive learned that i spend most of my sad for some reason and the rest of the day i dont but i can pick out saddness..and if i take out love the info i got isnt that bad..i think before i pull out the book on parents even though i can think of 50 million reasons for why thats not a good idea but if im gonna do it i have to start before next week..the closer it gets to the 10th the more ill end up getting stuck in my own little world..or suicidal which ever works..but anyway what i thought up on the way home..im not seriously scared anymore and i dont know when it happened but the thought just kinda threw itsself at me today..still a bit scared of talking because i know eventually all my ok topics will be talked out and theere wont be anything left to talk about except everything else..but im not scared over the reactions anymore kinda or against my better judgement im learning how to trust..slowly but learning all the same. hmm my head hurts but i have to get going...

so

march 1 is s/i awareness day and besides the fact of forgetting it every year i really think i should at least remember it...i saw a post about somewhere online a couple weeks ago and thought about it and then forgot about it..so much for awareness if i dont even hear anything about it..i was thinking about it last night for some reason and not that i have anything to do about it..so i posted it a couple places just so other ppl would know.

tired but im really about to start getting ready before i manage to miss the bus

im pretty sure i waws thinking of something else when i started writing but now im forgetting it so ill finish later i think.

depressing class

the more interesting my health class gets the more depressing it gets too..and we had a speaker today a guy living with aids and he was a good speaker and he got his point across..good grief he got it across and yea i so know im not doing anything that would put myself at risk and yet im still scared i will get this virus or some other life threatening disease and then ill die..its like ok so im never touching anyone and im never doing anything and ugh i think im just overly paranoid..and every week in class just makes me more worried i will get something..i leave myself open to infections enough now i dont really need or want anyone else giving me anything..so im in class listening to this guy talk about his mistakes and it was hard listening to it because he didnt come right out and say you know by the way i have aids..no it was talk for a while, ask us to questions and then ask how it is he would now..by then i was wondering but i wasnt sure and not to be a complete spazz but he looked so normal and healthy and not what ever image i happen to have of someone with hiv or aids..it was surprising in a lot of ways because he went through a lot and hes dealing with what he has to and of course acceptance managed to come up and it was just a depressing talk even though things worked out for him..and so i came home and so told yvonne to be safe because well just because

i didnt skip any classes today..even when most of the class left early in bio.i stuck it out because getting the notes off line just wouldnt help me because i wouldnt even read them..i need to write them down and so ill be stuck in class every time not leaving early..practice bored me..policy turned out better than i was expecting it too..i got my paper back today and i was so convinced i had done horribly on it and i was ready to just you know cry in class or something equally weird and i ended up getting 9 out 10 points..so much better than i was hoping for because by the time i even turned it in i was just hoping to get higher than a 5..and we got out early in health depressing class or not..and then i went to the store with shameeka and that was fun and i got rent and now im watching it..although im pretty sure it wont make me feel much better..hello movie on aids here..talk about bad choice of movies but i like it all the same and i wouldnt have been able to buy it without watching it and now ill juts stay up..and i found out my phone got here today and its at the office so im going to try and get it tomorrow before i have to head over to hike around the hospital..i really want it because my phone now i just want to throw out the window..ive wanted to throw it at the wall a lot too just because i dont want it or like it and its just an argument magnent or something...so ill get that tomorrow and so how i managed to get all my work caught up that has been due lately and i havent done it..even did good on my grade replacement thing..talked to henry and as usual that was fun and dusti is well being dusti..and im going back and forth so i guess im done for the night

tuesdays should be banned

i dont want to go to class
im putting off getting out of bed and i think im gonna be late anyway
and i dont want to see what i managed to do yesterday.hmm but ill have to look at them at some point. maybe i should take care of them or maybe ill do it tomorrow.

random

woohoo actually been taking my vitamins for a whole week...so it took all day to come with one halfway good thing.

otherwise hmm same old same old..so i drowned out the night with sitcoms..and house is not a show for me..geez that doctor made me mad..i miss strong medicine and it sucks they ended the show..now i have to work on getting the dvds..guess thats all..im working on some new project not sure how it will turn out but ive decided i will just have to figure out some way to like and be nice to myself that kinda wont end up with me dying..and im pretty sure i would rather suffer a year of math classes but oh well..something about sacrifices comes to mind..nah a year of math would lead to suicide so i guess im taking the good part of the deal. how its gonna happen i dont know but i guess ill have to think of something eventually.

the journey

The Journey- Mary Oliver


One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

little steps

i go down stairs this morning and see all this stuff on the floor and for a second i seriously thought something had exploded..and then i remembered we had a silly string war last night..yvonne came back last night with her mom and i got vday presents from her mom and she gave us silly string again..and we proceeded to empty both cans in about 20 mins and now its all over the walls and carpet..and it was fun last night but cleaning it up is going to be a killer..dusti and ming cant decide what it is so they go back and forth between sniffing it and advoiding it..kinda funny because when we were spraying each other with it last night they were hiding and we did it with yvonnes mom sitting right there..not that she wwas yelling at us because she was giving tips on how to get each other lol..but yvonne did start it this time..i think i started the last one we had and i still lost it becuase someone i got trapped in my room covered in silly string..and then she took dusti for ransom and i had to get mind for ransom and still i lost but it was..and i got a really cute ducky washcloth and car ebear chocolate and umm hot toddy drink mix which im not sure i like because you put whiskey in it but ive never had it so i dont know..i might just give it to yvonne because i know she likes it and a few others things and it was really nice..

fun aside im in a really crummy mood and if i could feel any worse right now i have no idea what i would be doing..its just im getting so mad at what i did and the more i try not to think about it the more i notice it..and the more i just think about how bad i am and how much i suck and it keeps going back and forth between them..im trying hard to keep it from going any farther than that but its not working great and its making me want to cut..and as i was talking to myself this morning i keep telling myself to stop it and its funny because the sec i say stop i do for like 5 secs and then i start again..for some reason im refusing to let myself forget what i did and as annoying as it is its getting on my nerves..ive been at it all morning and the yelling at myself doesnt hurt but my side does and i really just want to stop and cry and i wont and i really want someone to tell me it will be ok and i wont go ask because that would kinda mean id have to come up with some reason for my side to be hurting in the first place and i wont do that either and the meds i ttook this morning made my headache go away but its like my side is hurting more the longer im awake..and the more it hurts the more upset i get..i should have known better..this is just a sucky day..stupid ongoing day and i would prefer to juts stay in bed and forget im alive but im not sleepy and just laying in bed would make things worse..not even thinking about rent coming put is lifting my mood..i want to throw something and i guess its a good thing i have nothing breakable handy i really just want to destroy something..theres only so much i can handle doing to myself..so thats out...or maybe not..that would be two weeks down the drain..i dont care i just want my head to leave me alone..accept the inevitable and forget about it...i just kinda know i wont make it through the day..and i know ill just feel worse about it but for now thinking about that i have to get out of bed at some point and go to campus and if i just go now i wont think clearly about anything and it would be a waste.. i have to calm down for one thing or else i wont even make it out the door..its like ok deep breath and some where in there concentrating will start but it wont be enough..nothing works

a little bit earlier i was randomly looking at my collection of books and i had forgotten i had one on acceptance..prolly because i havent finished it yet but i looked at it for a little while and lucky me and actually at the part on acceptance..read it for a min got annoyed and put it back...one of these days ill get around to finishing it..took me almost a year to read the one on parents and that was after swearing off ever finishing it but curiousity got the better of me and i finished it..and thinking about it now makes me remember why i didnt even like it..ugh stupid ook anyway and i didnt believe any of it.maybe i just didnt want to..right now everyhting really really bothers me but not what i wanted to write about anyway..why cant i accept anything? everything is stupid..nevermind

really bored

its only 8 and im already considering going to bed..its either go to bed or stay mad at myself..for some reason i didnt realize until i started hurting that i b/p 3 times in less than 24 hrs..i dont know what i was thinking but now it just hurts moving because my sides hurt alot right now..randomly noticed it while i was laying on the floor playings sims..so i ate ice and now i cant stop shaking either..right now everything sucks and hurts..i feel like im gonna fall apart for some reason..its like well i wanted to hurt and so i am but when i was thinking about it i didnt exactly want this..and now im done complaining..but i remembered the other part of what i was thinking about last night while i was reading..it was boundaries..i couldnt remember what it was this morning when i was writing..but it said that we make boundaries as kids and there in place by the time your 2 and they either stick or get screwed up..as a kid what do you need bounudaries for? i cant come up with any reason for having them that young and ive been thinking about it but then i had to consider what my definition for boundaries was..and i think its like your either blocking something or protecting something..i know everyone has boundaries but i dont know when or why i made them and i cant even think of any i happen to have..i pretty sure i have some but with the definition im thinking of i cant get any to come up..maybe i have the wrong definition of what they are...im being really stupid because ive taken enough classes that i should know the correct definition of the word anyway and i cant think of it..i cant think of how they are made either..its like the personality thing..my theory is that kids are just born with a certain personality and then it grows as they do and its pretty much set by the time they hit school age but changes can still be made as things happen in life..and that makes sense just because well it does.my personality is umm boring at best i manage to bore myself..but if i cant even figure out who i am i cant really say my personality is stuck..i think it changes like every week..so what makes a person who they are? why do ppl do the things they do..or more specific why do i do what i do..since it eventaully gets back to me somehow..life would be grand if i could figure out one little detail about anything but right now im not sure what im trying to figure out anymore..i half talked it over the someone is lying to me thing i wrote a few days ago and what i keep getting centers on self esteem and lack thereof and that for some reason mommy has managed to get me to believe all of this stuff that isnt true..and it sucks because i keep trying to come up with excuse i can think of to get the blame and its just not working..like when i try really hard to define why im a bad person and i cant think of anything..its like having someone sit there and tell me over and over i suck just because they can until i believe and then years later i find out that maybe im not really bad but then all the other stuff wont go away..and i dont like any of it but its like really what will be lefet once its all gone..i dont know how exactly but i know eventually i will get around to making it all go away..and for half a second suicide came up but the problem with that would be thats kinda forever and i dont think i want that..i would miss my movies to much to be shallow for a second..sometimes i feel guilty for promising that i wont do it when i guess if i was weighing the options seriosuly i wouldnt care much about what i promised..unless it didnt work and then i wouldcare because then i would have to go and tell them what i did..not that it would matter much since she lives half way around the world..besides if it didnt work i would be in so much trouble..ok changing subjects before i start thinking about all the reasons suicide isnt gonna work..umm all ive done is seriously confuse myself right now..im just to annoyed with myself to want to think about anything right now...i cant believe i let myselffor what ever reason b/p that much..i couldnt have been that bored..ok so i was but it was more than that..im trying hard not to cut so to know if i can do it or not and in the process ive gone back to b/p when it does the same thing just in a different way..before i would have given up the purging without a second thought and now i dont know..i still dont like it and i still dont want it but im still doing it..or maybe its just i was looking at my arm today while i was wearing a tshirt and i can see where i have cut and they are random spots on my arm and if the weather keeps being stupid and it gets to hot for long sleeves ill be in a lot of trouble if mommy sees my arms..ive been thinking hard for a new place to cut to stop the scars from showing as much as it always goes back to my wrist because if i leave them alone long enough they go away completely..my wrist is just starting to look normal again but still mostly i think about just going back to cutting there again..weird thing with having to see them..thats mostly why i dont like doing my legs..i cant see them like during the day..and its only been two weeks nothing great i guess but if im purging it doesnt count as stopping..technically speaking they all are done on purpose..no i dont have the flu and accidently had to throw up dinner..its stupid and doesnt make sense and i suck for doing any of it in the first place and now i dont know

finished my book

since im just laying here trying to get my head to stop hurting i figured i would write here to stay just a little bit busy..the puppy is laying on my legs and dusti is prolly wondering over the house because the puppy is laying on my legs and my door is open..but anyway nothing much to talk about..wasted most of yesterday doing god knows what and today i cleaned up a little bit and i cant decide if i want to tackle making lunch or not right now..maybe in a little while i guess but i finished my book last night..a million little pieces and lies or not it was a really good book, the ending was sad and someways and good in other ways but still the whole book just really made me think about life in general..like how addictions can really screw a person up..and how technically speaking they never really go away.. for some reason i always thought that if you went to treatment and stopped then you were considered 'cured' but it doesnt work like that..its just this ongoing battle between right and wrong in a way and it turns into how strong can you be to get through it..one one level it seems like such a waste to work so hard at trying to overcome something just to turn around and learn that it will just always being the background wanting for the chance to jump at you..but then its like you are constantly proving you can beat it and stay sober or whatever the addiction happens to be..maybe its better knowing and maybe its not...so what makes an addiction an addiction..is it a habit that got out of control or something thats not technically good for you that has turned into a need, something you cant live withoout and see no way of giving it up? or it could be as simple as wanting something regardless of the consequences..reading that made me so glad i never tried drugs ..ok that and the requeim for a dream movie that scared me away from drugs for my life..it was like watching people at there worse and then watching it go a step farther..its like being trapped in something you cant get out of..and if with help it doesnt go away things cant look that bright..maybe it will be a test of character and strength for the ppl who do manage to make it through..maybe they found what it takes it make it and keep making it because they know how bad it can get...or maybe in just being a spazz and thinking way to indepth about it..

early night

im going to bed soon because im bored and for some reason making plans for tomorrow..i slacked off and didnt really do any homework today but i will need to get it done while im not doing anything tomorrow..sidenote yay me i get to wear shorts for tonight anyway..kinda sad that still makes me happy..so umm didnt really make it through the day without b/p now all im hoping for is that i wont be sick tomorrow..that whole adverse affect thing kinda really sucks and ive been trying to find something to do but thanks to the sleepytime headache stuff im slowly turning loopy..and now its kinda fun listening to my head..i wonder if it will snow tonight, its cold enough for it if the rain would stop..rain is depressing so it can keep raining but then it will just turn into ice and thats not fun. i wanna go to the movies and if i could talk someone into going and seeing eight below that would make my week..not counting on it and i really hope it will still be out when i go home for break..i know riley and harris want to see it.

thinking

am i undervalued? ive been thinking about that sense yvonne mentioned it the other day..i cant decide on it

i want to do something i just dont know what it is going to be..i want a new movie im getting a new movie on wed and im trying to talk myself out of ordering out because i wont do anything but b/p..its just looking really appealing right now..maybe i need to go clean up the kitchen until i stop thinking about what i want to eat..i have every intention of cleaning the kitchen though because its starting to annoy me..i just want to hurt right now not a lot but enough to get things back on an ok level.

i finally got to upgrade my phone yesterday because my phone now is just way to small and half broken thanks to dusti..im surprised i managed to keep it working for as long as i have..but by friday by new phone should be here..i cleaned my room this morning and that kept me a little busy for a while and then i just took a really long break with dusti because it is funny watching her attack her new toy..mostly she just napped next to me while i was reading..rent comes out tues and i cant get it until wed..ill have to remember something to talk about on wed but its not like my weeks are that exciting..my life would bore everyone..maybe ill color or look up new books online..ive been trying to remember to work on the identifying emotions part of the mindfulness stuff and its kinda hard and im still not good at catching most of them..like right now i feel sad but 5 mins ago i felt alone and 30mins before that i was nervous and before that bored and before that i dont remember but i go through what ever emotions i do have really fast..most are gone before i have the chance to even think about why its there..oh well. im dog sitting for the night since yvonne went home with allen i dont mind..not like i had plans on doing anything any way

awake

after 12 hours of sleep i really should be really rested and i am kinda..more than i have been all week and im feeling better today at least..im just hanging out in bed because yvonne has company and im staying out of the way. not sure what im going to do today. i have to type up some stuff for class and clean my room since i have stuff all over the floor again..

im a dork

i forgot to get more medicine at the store when we went last night and now im feeling horrible..some of it prolly from eating at like 1 in the morning..random night when i was planning on going to bed early and then didnt because we walked to the store and i looked at all the new stuff in the grocery store...i think im the only person who actually likes going to the grocery store, there are a million things to look at there and its entertaining..after a wasted a millionn hours doing nothing in there we left and came home and i watched a movie and yvonne colored because i got her a new coloring book..and we took a million online quizzes to figure out which disney heroine we were most like..i got cinderella and alice and they arent even in my list of favorites..cinderella i can understand but good grief alice in wonderland ive watched maybe twice and i dont like that movie much..still it was kinda fun even if i did have to share my bed..and then i wasnt sleepy so i read some more of a million little pieces and that book just makes me think about just about everything..i cant relate to what he has done, lies or not but i can relate to how he thinks..considering ive ne ver been in rehab but i can guess getting to the point where ppl are telling you to stop what your doing or you will die just isnt a good thing..maybe everything really is about control..because my first thought was i would be mad as heck if i had someone telling me i couldnt do something because it would just make me want to do it more when i have someone else taking control of it..and im really stupid for completely forgetting i do have the occasional person doing that in a not so good way...most of the time its just ppl imply and really want to believe ive stopped and that makes me feel incredibly guilty because i cant really say well no i havent and just let them think what they want..so i thought about it and its not some ppl i guess mommy says stop flat out but my teachers and doc say find something that doesnt hurt..now its like ok just how hard am i actually trying to stop? i dont know it comes and goes..whenever i care enough about the consequences..last night i cared though and it sucked because nia wants me to work at this camp with her over the summer and ive slowly been working on the application but it says i might have to get a medical exam..and im healthy enough i guess but its been a long time since i have done like a physical and i dont really plan on going to get on soon and i would really hate if i cant get the job becasue of a stupid test..i told mommy last night i would worry about it once i found out for sure if i needed one or not..but i know ill worry because its my fault in the first place..its not like i can give the blame to someone else because i have a bunch of scars in various places that cant be explained..mommy says blame dusti if anyone asks about my chest and she did it once and they told me i needed to get rid of her..that made me mad because she answered before i could say anything and then i was dumb enough to agree by not correcting it..what would i have said anyway..and after that it was just she told me constantly to pull my shirt up and that i needed to becareful with what i wear..now everything is are you sure your chest is covered, will this or that be long enough and its all because i care.well no its not.you care yes but not about the scars becasue you dont have them yoou care because im a reflection of you and somehow i managed to screw it up enough that you can be called a bad parent if anyone knew so i guess everyone wins if no one knows.. i cant say its ever been about me..only when it counts and only when you have an audience and ugh..all the same its hard having my control constantly picked away its not like i have that much anyway and i would like to keep what i do have but thats not working out so hot..the odd thing being before when im asked i would swear up and down its never about control..now its ok maybe it is about control because everyone eventually gets around to saying stop and that just doesnt work..thats like handing them all the control and im left listening to what everyone wants me to do and thinks is best for me..sometimes i would prefer that happened but not with the s/i they could have anything else and everyone who knows just saw fit to pick that..and then they have all picked the wrong thing...yes i have some amt of control over the s/i because well i do it but its really not that simple..i dont consider myself to control that though because when i try to stop like serious try to stop and i make evvery effort possibly and try every thing i can think of to stay busy and get my mind off things my head will start turning it into the only thing that will make anything better..its like do it or die kinda and its like just sitting on the floor watching someone else do something ten times worse than anything ive ever done and still i want it but i cant and then i have to go back and forth between wanting it and knowing what will happen if i do it..its always the same thing and it doesnt change but i miss out on that thought in the process..it always calms for a little while and then its like this whole statisfaction thing because i have done it and im not stressed or mad or sad or something but then i start feeling horrible ive gone and done it again because im a dork or a wimp or something for not being able to stick it out and not listen to what i somehow manage to tell myself..good or bad i want it all the same like now i really want it and have since yesterday but here i am writing and seriously just making it worse because im thinking about it more than i need too..write and forget or write and remember or not write at all and slowly drive myself up the wall thinking about just how bad i can let it get before i manage to stop it..the not so good thing being if it gets far enough along the only way to even begin to stop it is to cut hmm lately ive been wanting to burn but that one is just more of a pain thing and i work at not doing it because i really dont know how to take care of burns...umm back to the control thing..if i dont control it then it cant be taken away but if its my head then regardless of how im getting the message across to my self its still my message right? i dont know somehow ive made it become not mine and its someone else but umm yea that just so makes me sound majorly crazy..on the other hand i completely control the b/p..that i can turn off and on whenever i want too...since im the on who can stop it when it goes to far and only do it enough to make whatever point im trying to make..that one not many ppl know about and its harder for anyone to try to get that away from me..but if i would give up the b/p before i do the cutting then it cant be about control i dont think..that would mean i want someone to take the control for b/p away from me but let me keep the cutting that i dont really consider myself controlling..and now ive confused myself completely..or maybe because more ppl do know about the cutting and from the start i couldnt keep the control for it so i turned it into something where i can say the control isnt mine and then to everyone else i can say ok ill stop because well just because..but less ppl know about the b/p and that one is almost exclusively mine so i can do what i want with it..its not like im asked everyday if i go and you know throw up dinner..but i am asked everyday indirectly if im still 'ok' as in am i cutting..like i would be dumb enough to say no! ill take the guilt and shame and feeling like a waste of time for that stupid lie..but if i feel guilty for still doing it when im asked and actually say yes then im not getting anywhere am i?..maybe not..ugh this is really starting to make me drift off..like ive gotten to the point of where im not thinking of anything anymore and so im gone without really being gone..like when i completely zoned out in class and i have no idea where i was but it wasnt there..that is a very weird feeling and its only been really bad once..i dont know how i did it but i hope i dont do it again..and its so hard to explain that feeling because well now im thinking about it..it was more than my usual zoning out because i was there but i wasnt..just really weird and i dont even remember what triggered it now..just i dont know..i think im just gonna go back to bed for a while

sick

i hate being sick..ive been waking up not feeling good and it always goes away after a while but today i leave like staying in bed just so i dont have to move...im glad i dont have my 9:30 class today im not sure i would have made it..still i need to get up and figure out what im doing because i need to go to campus anyway to write my paper and to see if i can get the application thing to work and if not print the thing out..nia wants me to work with her at the talisman camp this summer...and its not that i would mind doing it its just i was looking at the application and its long as heck but it says i might have to do pass a doc exam im guessing its like a physical or something but i still dont really want to have to do it..other than that i dont have a problem doing the application..im not really expecting to get the job but ill fill it out because nia asked me to and if i do go it will be fun..nia had fun last summer when she went and the pay is good..but still me and bugs umm no..i talked it over a little with her yesterday and she was telling me there are other areas i could work in that wouldnt make me completely out camping in the middle of no where..as much as i have always wanted to go camping i would you know prefer not to have to do it in the summer with like bugs and dirt..lol so ill just have to see what happens..not that i had plans for the summer anyway...dusti has been calmer than usual i guess..i think her ultimate goal is to knead a hole in my blanket..shes already put a million holes in one of my shirts but its an old one..i liked it but now i have to like it with little holes in sets of 4 going across it..as much as i move around at night half awake and half sleep and end up pushing dusti accidently she sticks it out most nights..which ever way im sleeping she always goes for the spot behind my knees..the dog does that too..or random mornings if im awake and dusti has gotten my attention enough to be sitting right in the middle of my chest or on my side refusing to move until i pet her..but its ok its nice when its not 5 in the morning..when i woke up this morning with her in my bed i was thinking about how long it took me to get her to even let me touch her..that was a highly paitent thing and noow she actually comes when i call her and lets me pet her or sleeps in my bed or sweatshirt since clothes are her other favorite thing to sleep on..oh well im off to waste my day