i know whats wrong...

since im having a small moment of clarity..im going to try to write this before i manage to lose my mind again...

this past week has been very triggering..just the information..the restraints..the role playing scenarios...the talking and more talking about cutting and trauma and how it effects kids and adults..how it can so easily be triggered...etc...just being so tired and not able to think things through as much...my thinking has gone back to being incredibly impulsive..which is how i managed to burn myself repeatedly the other day and not really care to much about it...im actually sadder that it didnt scar...and because it didint my thinking about doing it has just been nonstop...one method doesnt give me the relief i am looking for and so i have to do something else..something that will give me what i want..and i know what i want to do..it really just is a matter of when i do it..but anyway...whats wrong...

in the past week...yes i have had a lot of information thrown at me and a lot of thinking and remembering ...and the part of all of it that i wasnt acknowledging was just how jealous i was about the fact that yes these kids are in treatment..but these kids are being cared for. supported. lsitened too...they are safe...and even though it is a treatment place...at teh end of the day its not about the behaviors..the fighting.the aggression..its that these are kids that are in a place where their behaviors are just screaming that something else is going on...there is something they need help with...they are visibly, either verbal or nonverbally saying that something is wrong...and then there are people...a lot of people..who respond ..who help..who listen..who help get the kid to calm down...and as much as i may not want to admit it..i am so so jealous.. because i didnt get that...because i did so well at hiding and lying and all of it..that i grew up and had to stay where i was..and there was no escape or help or anything..and i dealt with it..by myself..because there was no one else there..because there was no one to ask for help..there was no one for me to go to for help..and so i grew up in some ways..but not others..and now im still having to pay for my past...i know i shouldnt complain...but its just not fair .. i had to stay...and now im all screwed up in so many ways..and have to work so hard to deal with life and the world and live when i really dont feel as if i fit in anywhere at all...

during the training..the lady who did most of it was a very hands on person...and so on the first day filling out the medical forms..i was honest...even though i didnt want to be and put down what im being treated for..medical and mental..i wasnt fired on the spot..so i guess thats something..but throughout the week..more so on the last couple days...because of it being more hands on or whatever..she would come over and just randomly touch my shoulder or back..given each time it was for a reason...but in my mind it was comforting..because i was feeling some sort of not ok or slightly out of it..and she would most likely be explaining something i didnt want to hear anyway..but yeah..it was comforting.. touching my back is completely different than touching me anywhere else...it doesnt get a fearful response..vs touching my arm or face or chest or whereever...at the time of course i dont think i was able to identify it as comforting...but yesterday when i was able to let sarah know that i liked when she touched/rubbed my back...it was comforting...and safe..given when im with her im not afraid ..but i guess with having so much trouble


one phone call fro mommy and my whole day is going downhill...i was very nicely told that i need to work on paying mommy back ..and not think about going to noa's birthday in july ..because i have to pay mommy back..and of course i need to eat more vegetables and less meat and what not....what not  to do ... etc ... i just am going to lay down ...

getting triggered

its been a while since ive managed to trigger myself on purpose.... because of the reaction..because of the need to feel something ..anything...because i want to stay out of my head for a little bit. because i dont know..it works ... when did giving myself burns become so ok again...i remind myself that i dont have razors and so not cutting is ok..but burning really isnt better ..i know this..why do i keep forgetting this ? nothing else matters...the stress of everything is just i dont know..i have a headache..it is very systemmatic..getting triggered on purpose...i know what will do it..and its either books or movies that will do it..and today i guess my choice is movies...youtube is great for having cliips of the most triggering parts of movies...and then i just make it better and watch them over and over and over...

bad mood...not feeling good.just go away

im trying to keep to myself right now..im in a horribly bad mood and im just trying to deal with it and not act on anything im thinking ... im not feeling good at all today..and i dont know why...im frustrated that i am literally bleeding all over the place and im afraid to sit on any freaking thing ..and im tired and have a headache and im hungry and dont want to deal with being around anyone and i managed to sleep all morning ... and now im up again and just feeling crummy...i want to do something but i cant..crap right now i just want something to eat that is not a sandwich ... thats all i eat lately...thats kind of all i have money for when i have money...and tomorrow will most likely be a small trip to the store for more sandwich stuff...i hope..things just suck right now....id rather go to work because then i can at least get a meal ...how sad is that...i can tell that im just going to complain..so im going to stop writing .  maybe ill juts go bang my head on the wall or something...again just feeling like a total useless loser ...

sigh

half an hour to gather the motivation to brush my teeth...i think that is a bit excessive..but whatever...

im not very ok today

i had weird dreams...i thought i was watching a movie...but waking up i think i realized that it wasnt a movie...sorta of had a fairy tale theme...one princess type person which was me i guess...gigantic house...snow...flying or something or else like it...being locked up and having to find a way out...that sort of dream i guess ...it was stuck on repeat...i kept going through it ....same thing..maybe little timy changes each time..maybe i was better at escaping...im not really sure....

i think i woke up on the wrong side of the bed today...im hurting both physcally and mentally and i just want to hide...i dont want to deal today..i dont want to be around anyone at all..i dont feel very good and i just want to sleep...the urges to go and burn myself area really strong..i dont want to talk or be near anyone at all..the need to protect myself is strong...but i will fail at that today..because i have to be touched and held and restrained ..and just thinking about it almost makes me cry ...i dont want to do it..and it makes me feel like a child throwing a tantrum...i really dont have a choice..i have to do it...i have to do something to get myself together and i dont know what it is ... i cant think it through this morning...maybe i should just come back home today..im really on edge..and i want and dont want comfort all at the same time...given i cant get it...my goal today is to just get through the training without crying i guess...i think i should make my lunch today...my head is mush and my thinking is going so very slow right now...i better get up though...i dont think im feeling to on top of things today...

just tired

tonight i am tired...my brain hurts..my body hurts...for a couple reasons..and im slightly dreading the restraint training tomorrow...handle with care..but yes..either way it will involve restraints...and that just makes my head hurt...today was cpr and first aid..and in my illogical mind..we got to the part on first aid..and which part did i perk up on ???  burns...if i cursed now would be the oppurtune moment for it ..because as i sat there thinking about burning and how it can be done quite easily...and how that would be better than cutting...i went through the entire thought process..i had the entire plan worked out...and it took less than 30 mins to get it planned out...i thought of how and where and why and with what...very quickly..no i havent done it...but the thoughts are there... i had actually completely forgotten about burning ... i had..its been so long..but looking at the material today on how to treat burns and i was right back to where i was almost 8 years ago..willingly giving myself 2nd and 3rd degree burns for the hell of it.because it hurt..because it wasnt cutting ... because burns are easier to hide..and dont require the same amount of attention....because i cant seem to control myself and let the thoughts go..

again things are just overwhelming and disappointing... was denied the apartment ... and i want to scream in frustration...because its getting to where i will be out of time and need to move like now..and its like...sorry...no place to go...and im worrying that i will end up going to an area where i dont want to be..or have to look outside of richmond ... and im just running out of time and no real idea of where else to look..its tiring ..and stressful...and disheartening ...

talked to mommy a few times today and my brother is making some really bad choices right now..and now i cant really manage money all that great...but i dont have 3 children..and i want to just shake the two of them and make them get a clue about what they are doing ...sigh...but again they are both adults ..and they are responsible for those boys ... and even though i hate it completely..im not in a situation at all to help them..right now i cant even help myself ..

and so i guess im just feeling frustrated...and worn out..and trying to figure out how im going to make it ... i really am....i havent been feeling to good today though....not much fun ...

another day of to much thinking

today was the 3rd day of training and i completely over slept this morning....like woke up at 8 and was supposed to be at work at 8:30..and had a 30min drive in front of me....ugh..so this morning didnt get off to a great start..i hate being late and feeling rushed...i really do...and so i just felt kind of behind for most of the morning.... the training was on sexually acting out youth...not to be confused with adult sexual offenders...because in virginia children can not be classed as sexual offenders at all...at 18 that rule changes...but until 18 these kids are not called sexual offenders even though they may have victims and what not...so i did learn that this morning...but it was the details that got me..half of the time i couldnt even read the darn power point...my eyes kept going all fuzzy...and its like geez its been a while since i have had to actively not be able to deal with something and go out of my way to just not take in the information...because it was bringing up to much of my own stuff..and it was all getting mixed up in my head...and so yes i was dazed out for most of the morning...barely spoke at all during this training ... after lunch was a little bit easier ..but the morning training effectively had me thinking all over the place....got out a little bit early today though..and was able to come home without getting stuck in traffic...

mommy found out about her account and well yes i got the lecture i was expecting..but she did wire me some gas money...and i was able to get a few things from the store...but the whole situation makes me feel like such a loser .... like once again i cant manage anything at all and that i am just struggle to make it through each day..and all i can think about is how to survive another day..and to figure out where ill be going or how im gonna get money for gas or food and when ill be getting paid again and what not...now as the month is passing the half way mark im worrying about where im going to live..what is going to happen next month...so on and so forth... as much as i try i cant escape the anixety and depressing thoughts...im tired of going to training and having to listen to stories about the kids and what behaviors they are showing ...i dont want to hear about the kids who are cutting, or the trauma...after 3 days of it..im just to triggered on a personal level to be any good to anyone else ...im to tired in the evenings to do anything but just lay down and try to calm down...

i guess im managing on without the meds...i can tell the difference though...and of course im now thinking of if i even want to start them again...because im managing ... right ... no i dont want them..i cant afford them...lucky me cas everything is just sucking right now..maybe i should give courtney a call and see if she can help...i know kind of not to completely trust my thinking right now...but my ideas that i come up with are completely doable in my head..im fine and dont need anything at all...i can ignore that i dont have money for anything..and that i literally an using change to just get a drink during the day because that is all i have..but whatever...it could be worse...i try not to focus on just how much worse it good be..i dont want to give the universe any ideas for throwing something else at me to deal with right now...i got a small thing of cat food today too...i cant let them starve...but as time goes on...the more its like ok..i cant come first right now..i dont need anything....the cats need things more because i have to take care of them...that makes sense doesnt it? i am thinking clearly arent i? yeah either way i look at it though i am still a loser .. and im just trying not to let anyone know that...well not let anyone know that i am thinking that..because it will get me no where...with anything..so ill keep my thoughts to myself ... i have to keep everything to my self so that no one will  figure out that im cracking apart...that as each day passes i just become a little bit quieter...a little bit more withdrawn...i force myself to get up..and just pretend im ok during the day and then hide all night ... i can tell how tense i have gotten in the past couple days...my back hurts..my neck hurts...i cant relax pretty much..i feel more aware of anyone being in my space...and a lot of things are juts getting to me...i dont know why..i just feel bad and its affecting everything again...im tired..and i dont really think im suicidal ... but i guess im closer than i have been...or maybe im just back to where i was..i really dont know...the thoughts are coming a bit ..but havent reached the overwhelming point yet...how sad is it that i just get so upset that i cant even afford to go and get razors...yeah i can use other stuff if i had to...and it really isnt that hard to break open a shaver and take out the blades...but that is an act of desperation..and i am not there yet...im afraid i will begin to seriously relapse and it will just be bad...very very bad....

i dont know what i need right now...maybe ill go ahead and take the dang trazadone and go to sleep...at least then im not actively thinking about anything...

just triggered and floaty

i dont really think that my head is working correctly right now....i dont know...the training material today was hard for me to deal with...just because it was about trauma, how kids deal..how it affects them..how it affects other people...how the past and all of that can cause all sorts of issues if not handled currently from a staff standpoint.... i am the staff...i am supposed to have these kids best interest at heart..and that is not the part that worries me...what worries me is being able to deal with there stuff and my stuff..because i know i will be asked about the scars on my arms..i know i will be questioned to death by the kids..and it is just plain and simply put that my issues mirror some of their issues so closely that i am afraid i will lose focus and do something stupid..and i dont know how to explain my concerns to anyone at work because im afraid that i will lose my job...because i cant deal...and i dont want that.. i understand completely what my issues are for the most part ...and that is the problem..i sat there today..and just couldnt stay focused on what she was talking about..or retain any of the information...i kept getting weird ringing in my ears...i was probably dissociating really badly and of course that was a topic too...-sigh-  i dont know what to do...i know i can do the job..ive done it in the past..and each time i am a little bit more stable with it...but this is diffferent...this feels like it is my last chance to prove that i can do my job...that im worth something...but again ..i really dont know..because i know i will shut down...that i cant take all of my concerns to work with me because i am supposed to be the professional..the one who can deal..the one who can relate and still stay separate from it....but again it is the past that haunts me...and listening to it..listening to the effects, to mirroring..the issues that come along with children who have been traumatzed and abused and it makes me so very sad...because i wasnt able to get help as a kid and i grew up and still dont understand the way the world works..my past still affects me on a daily basis...ive done thearpy..i understand the congnitive distortions, i know i have boundary issues, and trouble with the whole black and white thinking....all things i know about my self...all things these kids are dealing with...and it just makes me afraid that i will fail...which is learned helplessness in all its fine glory...another topic that we spent quite a bit of time on today...and all the information is stuck in my head with no where to go...im trying to contain my thinking and how im feeling and im not so sure that i am doing a very good job with it...

and i figured out today that i am trying to attach myself ...to the lady doing most of the training...what fun ..not only am i completely crazy..im already trying my hardest to find ways around boundaries already...to have my own needs met...and not getting them met juts leads to other behaviors that i really dont want to focus on right now....because none of them are healthy in any way at all..and none of them are beneficial in any way...and it is my need is all of its mixedupness..and continue to try and get and cant have and so it just messes with my head and keeps messing with my head...

i think ill go and lay down for a bit...

need to write...

my anxiety is all the way up right now..like im feeling completely jittery and nervous right now..im laying down but it still feels as if my body is moving..like im not still at all..and my thoughts are going back and forth..and i think it scares me a little bit..to feel so unsteady i guess...but im trying to deal with that..and trying hard not to go ahead and knock myself out sleepwise for the night...i want to just sleep so bad right now because i am thinking so much and feeling so nervous...i have all of one of the klonpin left..and i want to scream and cry about that by itsself...i already felt that my attention in the training today was awful..i kept looking out the window, i kept fidgeting, i couldnt sit still..i wanted to turn around in my chair and i couldnt get comfortable..and i felt like i was a mess..but at the same time i was asking and answering questions...at times...but i wanted to be there..its been a while since i have actually wanted to be at work...or even out of bed for that matter...but i wanted to be there..i had truly forgotten just how much i like the residental setting ... i like the stability of the instability ...

im sleepy...ill finish tomorrow

feeling miserable

i keep telling myself to get off of fb for today..that all the posts about good mothers and loving mothers and all of that is doing nothing but making me feel more upset and miserable..and ive spent most of the morning i guess just trying not to cry...i called mommy this morning and did what i was supposed to do ..but i cant escape the numerous posts popping up all over facebook..and i hate it..and i wish i had a mother that did love me or want me..and didnt just beat the hell out of me and then swear that she doesnt remember anything..oh well for me...jealously, anger, all of it...is in my head today..and im just feeling tired and cant seem to get to sleep

sigh

i think i need to stay off of facebook for today...it is more upsetting than anything else...

calmness

so i want to write but i truly cant figure out what it is that i want to write about...i had a long conversation with sarah tonight..and it was good to just lay down and talk...we talked about lots of different things..and i think it was the closeness that meant super alot...but i am calm and back at home and just tired ... a bit thoughtful but mostly tired...i think ill save everything else for tomorrow...for tonight..ill take the calmness..

a father figure or lack there of..

I think I have lived my life with really making a big deal out of not having a father that I know or grew up around ...I have uncle's who I see every so often..but really growing up all I remember is mommy..there was no one else..but I guess at some points there were other men in the house..friends of hers..again nothing that should have am affect on me..but tonight the thoughts are making me sad..the lack of a father figure..a safe person..I have so many mom issues that I don't think there is time for any daddy issues.. so I really don't know why it's bothering me so much tonight...I really don't

inconsiderate assholes

bounce is hiding and taji is just missing  

the dog is downstairs now and i just want to yell at him to shut up

im really angry  and i think i nee dto calm down but i cant

just thinking....

i havent been doing to much today...have a scheduled walk for this evening after im done with training though....my head hurts a lot right this minute and im not even sure why...i took a nap earlier i think..and then i was woken up by alan building something across the hall or whatever...and then i got a call about the residental job..and of course that training starts next week..and is a full week long training...and i find out today what clients im starting with..and suddenly im like ..omg plz only give me one client or so  until i get through next week....because now i am watching as my free time slips away from me ...and im figuring that the building of things for the room across the hall is for the new couple moving in...with a dog...goodness...my head is turning into scrambled mush...maybe ill be more clear headed later on

whirlwind

so much is on my mind right now...im worried and nervous and overwhelmed..and there are so many different things going on that i dont even know where to begin...

im worried about myself, and being safe...im worried about sarah and her being safe too..im worried about taji and bounce, im worried about working and money and my current living situation..and it feels like all i do lately is worry...and earlier today i was thinking that the depression is winning..that i juts am feeling so hopeless and so concerned that i dont know what to do with myself..and i would have continued to feel sorry for myself had tramaine not come and made me get up and go walking with her...i had to explain to her tonight what depression was..not for my benefit but for hers so that she would be better able to support her boyfriend...i wanted to open up more...i wanted to truly explain why it is that asking mommy for money is such a big deal..or why it is that i get so upset with her..or not being able to talk to her...i couldnt explain why and i ended up coming across sounding like a spoiled child..the fear of telling mommy that the bank acct is overdrawn is alive and well and i cant explain that to anyone...i dont want to see courtney because im afraid that she will tell me that she cant help me..i dont want to get dependent on the meds but i dont think they are helping...and in a week or so i will have to come off of them any way until i have the money to get them filled again..and that will be a lovely happy time, im sure...im dreading it..i know i will be sick and then suicidal and then do stupid things and well i guess life will go on...and i will once again juts be a failure...im trying so hard to be positive and i just dont feel it...i wake up in the morning and im almost sad that im still alive...there is no joy unless im with or talking to sarah...i can pretend enough with tramaine..and pretending with nia and mommy...but mommmy of course took the info i gave her and ran with her..and now im sorry i ever said anything to her about the living situation..because now she is pushing and being repetitive and demanding..and i am getting upset and more stressed out about it all...because she is really making me feel as if i dont care about taji and bounce at all...i would die if anything happened to my cats...i love them more than i love myself...crap right now i dont even like myself...ugh...

i saw the bh lady today and ended up talking a bit about my mommy issues...and that is a topic that if brought up..i have a very hard time letting go of..because with the conversation comes the thoughts and yearning and wants for a mother..to feel safe and cared for and loved...and the rejection that comes with that is very hard for me to deal with...i can i explain just how hard it is to be my age and still feel like such a child at times..needing so much guidance and attention and well yes my jealous spikes horribly in these situations..and i prefer to not think about it..because bringing it up makes me feel so very alone..so very lost...but it did come up..and on the heels of that i was informed that my labwork is continuing to be not good and my mood just fell and refused to be picked up today..like i said..i can fake it ..but i feel that i am lost in my thoughts..and there is no way out...im afraid to acknowledge just how much i need someone to talk too...but again the results of the last therapist have broken me to the point of where i am truly afraid ... that i cant be helped..that im just broken and useless and a waste of space..

and yes im in a very negative mood right now..im sad and struggling and i dont know where else i can go...because again i am noticing that when i get this overwhelmed..i want to sleep..i want to sleep to avoid...i want to sleep because my waking hours are plagued with thoughts of cutting or how to die or why i want to die..and how easy it would be...i would rather sleep and ignore the thoughts..i dont want them..because it is so easy to fall into their trap..and get sucked in and not be able to get myself back out...silence protects me from myself..but the more that piles up against me..the more i can juts feel myself crumbling under the pressure...and then i have to work hard to remember that noa and curvon need me alive...i cant let myself forget that...sarah, yvonne, and nia need me..taji and bounce need me...i cant die..no matter how i might try to convince myself otherwise....i cant...

maybe i do need to talk to courtney... -sigh-   im tired is hiding what im really feeling which is im suicidal ... crap

i am done with today...

i really am done with today....i am...enough has gone on today that i am juts not in the mood right now for anything else....

i am an adult..i dont need a damn consequence for something that i did not do...shit i wasnt even here on friday night..i got back yesterday late afternoon..and didnt even surface until the middle of today...i didnt mess with anything or take anything..but everyone is supposedly getting a consequence because money is missing....when my money was missing..nothing was done about it...i can understand being pissed off and upset and all of that..i can...but i have no need to be in their bedroom...i hide out in my room most of the time im here anyway....i just want to scream and hit something..i really do...

proud

today my younger sister graduated from college..with her undergrad in education :)   it took her a while but she finished..and i am proud of her for not giving up and sticking with it.

it took me a while to graduate too...that 4 year thing is seriously just a guideline..essh

and maybe i got ahead of myself ...-sigh-

today has been one of those days where things just keep messing up....i want to cry...but im too hot right this minute and my head hurts and im again trying not to panic...my tire was flat today...put air in it...my tire blew completely on the way to the store..thankfully i wasnt by myself and between me and my roommate we got it changed by ourselves..because even though i stopped in a parking lot of a shopping center..NO ONE offered any help at all...i was practically in front of a dang autoparts store for crying out loud...but whatever....my car jack thing ended up getting broken in the process though...i dont have money for gas right now..i really dont have the money to have my tire replaced...and then the air stopped working in my car..which is a major major issue for me because i dont do well when im getting to hot.i really dont...and missing my meds yesterday has me feeling like crap today..and there is ANOTHER couple moving into the house..taking the other basement room..and they have a dog! the main ppl in the hosue had already told me that they where planning on moving by the first of june...so why rent out the other basement room..that is being used for storage by everyone for a month?? i dont understand...i really really dont..that will bring the amount of ppl in the hosue to a grand total of 8...and that is to many for me...i already know that..and yes im looking for an apartment and all of that..but im still here for the month you know...im already feeling crowded and they havent even moved in yet..the last person who was in the other room stole $300 from me..but there was no evidence you know...i dont like this set up at all anymore..at least now with the other single girl we are looking for an apartment together..so that will help a lot financially....but just am feeling so overwhelmed right now..and the stuff i need to get done for the job will cost money too..and im juts frustrated i guess...sorry for complaining..

maybe...maybe things will be ok

its been a few days i think...since ive written and quite a few things have happened....i have accepted a job...doing the same thing but i think it will be for short term...and for short term i will manage...for kathy i will manage..i will not disappoint her or dissappoint sarah or nia you know...not again...kathy vouched for me with this particular job and i dont want her word to not be true...i want them to be proud of me...i want to be proud of me..i want someone to be proud of me..i want to just prove that i know what i am doing..that things are going to work out.. that i can do my job and do what is expected of me...i can and i will...because as much as it hurts to admit..yes i had a hand to play in losing my past jobs...whatever the reason..bad timing..personal issues..bad choices on my part...whatever it may have been..it was not that i was in no way involved...no  i am smart enough to realize this and acknowledge it...im not perfect..and i guess i need to start living with that knowledge..im not better any anyone else and would never think i was..but in the job world i can get easily distracted and downplay what it is that i do..and end up sabatoging myself and my job and then i end up being fired and getting stressed out and depressed and suicidal..and its a never ending circle..and i just need it to stop...i want stability so i need to make and keep things stable...in all parts of life...which brings me full circle and the issue of therapy comes back up again...i am willing to look for another therapist..im afraid and scared though..i dont want to be hurt again or told that i cant be helped..i dont want to feel so helpless and lost and just not worthy of being helped...so...again it is about me...how i am seeing the world..how i am viewing myself in the world...what i feel i deserve or dont deserve..and it is so very hard to break the cycle of thoughts...as much as i can say its not going to happen ..that im going to be able to stay present and do what i need to do..im afraid that ill still get caught up in my head and there will once again be a repeat  of the past job...yes there are still things going on..there are a lot of things going on..alot to deal with and think about and just trying to maintain...and im scared that  i wont be able to manage..that it really will be a repeat..that i will once again fail and be just a nobody...a worthless nobody...

i guess it all comes down to figuring out what it is that i want..and what it is that i am willing to work for ...i want a job, i want a place to live, i want to be caught up on bills and not stressed about money...i want to be healthy and not think about dying, etc..and i want to be able to be with sarah...and it seems like it is a lot ..but so much of it is all just connected to each other...to do anything i need a job...with the job comes the money..but the other piece is therapy/meds..something...that is the piece that i am still so very unsure about ...i no longer hide the scars as much as i have done in the past..because the scars arent going anywhere..but i do want to be honest when i say i am not cutting..which means coming clean to courtney..and at least letting her know that things were getting kinda bad for a while there...

and right now...today..i am feeling more hopeful about things..im afraid yes, stressed to the max about money ..yep...used all the money i had for my car insurance..yep..but somehow it will work out ..it just has to...and so i will be careful...and if nothing else i will sell my other laptop if i can...because i have a feeling that this month is going to hurt majorly in the financial part of things...but i have a place to stay at least....and a bit of gas...and i guess sometimes i really just have to wonder at what more do i need..truly...

i know that there are a couple bills i majorly need to get paid off and out of the way...and work done on my car..but right now i have nothing to put towards anything and so i am stuck waiting...right now i have to get my priorities set..so that i have an idea of what i am working towards...of what i am working for...and right now there are 4 things....1. to find a place to live, 2. to have the money and stuff needed for both sarahs and noas birthdays in july, 3. to have everything paid off for the cruise by the due date and save money for getting to fla...4. getting my health in order...  that is what i am working for..that is what i want and that is going to take some planning and hard work and all of that...but i have to get my head in order...my head is my downfall..my thinking..my distorted thinking...all of it...it is my head and how i view things and how i view the world that gets my stuck...and i feel like i have to go back to the basics..silly things like making sure i get up and shower every day...make sure im taking my meds..that sort of thing...so simple it seems but it is so hard for me to do at times..and i hate that...i feel so gross...and i cant get out of my head long enough to even bother convincing myself to do something as simple as going and taking a shower...yeah at times i do feel incredibly pathetic...and so very unsure of myself...

but last night...even though i was up and down and fidgeting which may just have been partially because i was without my meds...but i spent the night with sarah...and well firstly i would just like to point out..that two people can infact sleep on a twin bed...the problem comes in when some people dont want to share lol...but anyway..no i just get antsy and feel trapped if i am unable to get enough space..and its like i fight myself to stay close to her and then fight myself to back away some...i guess im feeling a bit confused on things again..because my want to be with her all the time isnt possible right now of course..and i dont want to crowd her when i am with her..but then i lose control of my thinking so very easily around her..and i know im an adult..and that she is an adult ..but the fact that i cant seem to stay in control of myself scares me...because if i am not in control then who is? i try not to let my whiny 'i need 100% of your attention at all times' get out..but the thoughts are there..and i dont think that is fair..to be wanting all of her time and not wanting anyone else to have her time...which lets me know on one hand the attachment to her is only getting stronger....but on the other i am still fighting to not become lost in her...i guess its juts that me and attachments happen quickly sometimes and this time the attachment is completely different ..because sarah is not older than me..and she isnt someone that i am looking at as a mother figure...she is instead someone who i see as being equal to me...and i have to remind myself that there are still boundaries...i cant throw the pieces of myself at her and ask her to put me back together so that i dont have to hurt anymore...ask her to stay with me when im not feeling good or ssad i can do..being around her and not being afraid i can do...but again i think that it is just i dont know how to be in a relationship..and so im questioning myself and my wants to death..and being afraid of what i may or may not like or want or any of that...giving voice to desires is still something that terrifies me..like i can like something but i cant ask for something type thinking...which makes no sense because i do ask her for things but maybe im wrong and only think i ask for things and instead im juts thinking questions and not saying them outloud...and well there is still the small issue of juts forgetting everything at certain times..and then trying not to get lost in feelings that makes me never want to be away from her...those moments of empty headedness takes everything away for a while..which is prolly why i forever want to do things or think about doing things or just darn thinking in general that leads my head into a very dirty place...it is still a surprise at just how much of a dirty mind i have...and i could even go into a long explanation of why..and how it happened and why im so ashamed of it...and maybe i will one of these days ..because of course i have to analyze myself to death...but its like taking years of not being able to have something..or being forced to have something involuntarily and making it possible to ask for it...yeah..you may as well just ask me to go and become president or something..that might in fact be easier than facing the things i happen to think about pertaining to adult relationships...i may be naive but again my knowledge comes from books, movies, blah...and some of that stuff is just highly embarrassing all on its own!  so them my easily impressionable mind gets ahold of these things and its like...frick..frick..frick..double frick..kill me now type thinking/feeling...i really wonder how i come up with some of the things that i come up with...and i still cant explain how i manage to lose clothing so very easily around her...and i dont think i meant to ramble on so much about this...but i guess again..that at the bottom of it all is the fear that i will not be able to let go of the thought/want of being hurt and allowing things to happen with sarah to happen that dont cause that kind of pain..yeah warped thinking yet again...i cant escape it....

but my head is starting to hurt..i think i will lay down for a little while...

but we did watch nanny mcphee this morning..and that made me happy..and sleeping and being help maybe me happy too..getting up and getting dressed cas of darn aides coming did not make me happy...oh and i got to watch spongebob this morning too...

that little paragraph alone makes me really question if i will ever be ok and adult at the same time...-sigh-   yeah..going to lay down and give my head a break ... lack of meds does have me feeling a bit off right now...