RIP Flower 7-7-13 thru 7-9-13

Meet Flower.... she was only 3 days old but she died this morning.  I want to think that she knew she was loved and cared for in the short time span of her life.

loved her already.

where im at....

ok well my head is now full of thoughts and wants and worries so im going to try to write a little bit and then get to actually doing some work before i have to leave the office...

ok deep breath and calm down...

im tired..well guess thats the first thing..eh thats nothing new though..im always tired...like i want to go home and go to sleep so bad right now...but well cant cas of work and all that ...blah...

see the doc next week and hoping that she can shed some light on the whole stomach issues that i am having..spending a lot of time in the bathroom again..and i think i would prefer the stupid gallbladder pain to not being able to eat..cas if she tells me to do the whole rice, applesauce, toast or whatever diet ..im gonna scream bloody murder in the doctors office...i would rather just watch what i eat and just deal with it..i dont know...it pisses me off that im getting sick again after eating..and yesterday was pretty bad..and all i had was subway..a sub..turkey and ham and cheese..mustard. let, tomatoes, pickles..salt and pepper...what in that should have made me sick??  but i know my food isnt digesting right..because i am able to identify things after going to the bathroom...and i dont know why that is happening..i dont know why my medicine is coming out again...i dont freaking know why it takes less than an hour for food to go all the way through my body and then decide that it cant handle it and yeah..i end up having issues...its frustrating..because sometimes i can time it ..sometimes i cant..sometimes its fine and nothing happens anyway...and sometimes like yesterday..i end up in pain and end up at home because im hurting...i dont understand...i really really dont..

add in the fact that the meds make me not want to eat and that i am losing weight and its like..fuck me..im not sure i want to lose weight like this..im really not..and at the same time im crazy enough that its like ..yes finally losing weight..finally gonna get everyone off my back...finally doing what everyone wants me to do..and so on and so forth..

i just dont know what ppl want from me anymore...how much changing do i need to do exactly??

and the whole therapy thing...i have to admit i am improving..i am not as depressed..i dont want to die..im not worrying about whether or not i am good enough all the time...no..im ok..most of the time...im managing..im not cutting...eating issues..yeah..but there are different circumstances making that worse...and so i wonder if i do need to be in therapy anymore...i really wonder...i wonder what i want to work on...i wonder what it is that i need to work on..is it past stuff..is it present stuff ?? i really dont know right now...im trying to think about it and im trying to figure it out..and im not pleased that there are two weeks where i wonnt be seeing alice because she is out of town...ugh...but i gotta figure out where i want to go with this...and as much as i dont want too..i think im gonna go ahead and move it to every other week...right now i dont need to see her weekly..and im rellying on her a lot i think..still..although she makes me answer my own questions and what not...but yeah a lot to think about with that in the next couple weeks...off the top of my head..its dealing with the anger....eye contact/fear...gaining self confidence / trust..or continuing that one...ive been with alice a year..and for most of that time i havent cut..ive been suicidal yes..wanted to cut..came very very close to cutting..but didnt in the end..and ive almost reached 7 months without cutting at all...its been a while since ive made it this long...its been forever since i havent relied on it...used it to make me feel better...things really have changed a lot..i mean ..no i still dont have the highest level of like for myself..but im not comtemplating whether or not im going to have to kill myself for messing something up...im beginning to stand up for myself with mommy and not giving in to her and everything that she wants or doesnt want..and not letting her rule everything i do...and im making my own choices..and well mommy is just mommy..she can say what she wants..do what she wants..and try to tell me whatever it is that she wants to tell me...but in the end im still making my own choices...im doing things on my own..without her ..without her input...and that is something that i never really figured would happen...im pulling away from her...i am..and that is what i need to do...i cant change her..but i can change me...and thats the important thing...

annnnnd i want some freaking chicken wings lol..the bbq ones from wing zone...yum yum yummers...maybe tonight for dinner...dont know yet

but ok..calmed down a bit..so back to work...well starting to work... heh

thinking in overdrive

sometimes i am left really truly wondering if i am a bad person..if i am really awful and evil and selfish and then get mixed up with trying to figure out what is true and what isnt true..it is confusing to condemn myself and then stop believing it all within the same time frame...

going home is a trigger...actually i think that some how i have managed to trigger myself and i dont exactly know how but mood is taking a big big nose dive and im kinda at a loss for what to do to help..ok not at a lost but i gotta get past the 'i dont care' feelings..and then ill do something..maybe.  maybe ill just go to sleep and stop thinking about all of it..there is a lot on my mind right now and i am worrying a lot about things..things i cant control..my head hurts...ive had a headache all day..it stinks...

there is a point to this i think..sometimes i start writing and then forget completely what it is that i was writing about...

sometimes i get caught up in the whole this is what is wrong with me..and i start to list the labels and it is a waste of time..i mean i am who i am ..labels or no labels..and right now i am having a depressing period but it will go away again..just gotta last through it..and if that means laying here and rambling on and on about nothing then so be it...

i think there are things on my mind from going home..and i dont know how to talk about them..i dont know how to deal with the thoughts and so i hide them..hide away from them..but they are still there..they keep overwhelming me at all the wrong times...

the first issue is relating to being adopted..
the second issue is what happened when i was a a teen or something...

the first being a family secret...the 2nd being something that happened that i was blamed heavily for ..because of my age...and i took the blame..i still have the blame..and even now i want to scream my innoence to anyone that will listen..but to get the whole thing out in words is super hard..to acknowledge what it is that i was blamed for..and what i let happen without stopping it..


and im going to stop because i am feeling incredibly angry right now

something i dont want to forget .....

while at home this weekend...there was an incident that i dont want to forget because it is important...because i know it happened...

i was getting my hair done....mommy was in the kitchen, uncle jr, and nia...and they were talking about something to do with babies...and the kids mommy used to have...watch..whatever ...

uncle jr made a statement..he said...

i remember when you got both of them...talking about my sister and the other little girl whose name i was never able to remember..(angelica)

mommy jumped right in and said

you mean when i got angelica..


never did she say anything about being pregnant or having any of us...never...there are no pictures...we all just sorta show up...

but i already know i am adopted...i know nia and henry are adopted...we all know sissy and wayne and the older siblings are adopted..how much my younger brother and sister actually remember i dont know...not that we were told so much as just i was nosey...and the more she tried to get me to stop ..the more i was determined to go through everything...and i found the adoption papers on my younger brother and sister...i found the newspaper article for my sister and i...i know the name of the adoption agency..but the agency is no longer in business...

but no one will tell me anything.not that i have asked...but all the adults ..all the aunts and uncles and everyone ..someone should know something...someone should have told us/me the truth...its to late now to go back obviously ... but anything can happen...and this seems to be a secret that mommy is intent on taking to the grave with her...and i juts dont understand why :(

Sisters baby shower

 

Well the baby shower was a success.  the first party i have ever had a part in planning in my life and it turned out really well. i never want to throw another party again! but yes it went well.  This is a picture of the cake i picked out :)..my sister was super surprised !!! 

but i was in charge at the shower..like having to talk in front of everyone and plan the schedule and get everyone going to the games and food and stuff...i hid out a couple times when i got super overwhelmed and was juts having a bit to much going on in my head and feeling nervous and stuff...

but no one else was helping me....like with getting everyones attentino and things..and so i was left to do it..left to run the games and all of that..and i was scared but i did it..i had too...i didnt want to mess up my sisters shower...

and by the time ppl were leaving i was worn out completely...tired and sore and achy and wanting to stay away from ppl completely for a while..and just worn out...im still worn out and its monday..the party was saturday...its just there were about 30 ppl there..and i had to speak in front of them..and be social and talk and keep things on track and it was alot and it was so out of my comfort zone...but again i did it...

and i made this punch ... i kid you not i juts threw it together ..and everyone liked it lol...it was so funny..i was asked repeatedly what was in it..and im like umm ppl i really truly just threw that together in like 10 mins and made it up while at the grocery store!!!

it was a good time though..and i will..i can say that i am proud of myself..i know it went well..i was told it went well..

it was super uncomfortable having everyone looking at me lol..but well got past it...

eating changes ....

you would think i would be rather thrilled that im not wanting to eat as much right now..and i am..but im also annoyed..i mean heck not eating is great for me because it keeps my binging down...and i lose weight..the issue it that now im all mad cas i like eating and not being able to eat makes me upset...how weird is that ???  i want to eat gosh darn it..i wanted my breakfast this morning..and i felt like i was stuffing myseelf trying to finish and i couldnt even finish my food...my usual at ihop that i can eat without a real issue and this morning it was a struggle..and this makes me upset...why in the hell does this make me upset????? i dont understand myself at all right now..

where the last week has gone ....

i was going to write this later but well...the thoughts are on my mind now and i better get them somewhere before i forget what it is that i want to write down...

i had forgotten about this particular entry...dont know why..my head is pretty out of it right now...fuzzy..confused..having lots of trouble concentrating...

when i wrote the other post i was feeling pretty bad depressed wise....but had pdoc and t the next day and saw both of them...and worked out a med change that i seem to be handling much better...she switched me over to the other form of welbutrion..so instead of being on sr im now on xl..and i think it is working...i dont have much to go on really cas right as i was changing the meds..i caught a cold...and it has turned out to be a pretty bad cold at that...

hmm wed my throat started hurting..wasnt a major thing...just kinda noticed and moved on...thursday it was worse..hurt eating..headaches..general confusion..not having energy or motivation to do anything at all...did go and pick up some mucinex..cas i was coughing and i knew i wsas trying to get the cold to come out but it wouldnt ..and mucinex does help with that part of things...friday comes along and im worse not better...everything is still going on...go back to the pharmacy and get a different type of medication...changed to the dayquil/nyguil stuff..and thought it helped a little bit..eating was still a major pain because it hurt to swallow anything at all..cept soup...so my diet for the past 4 or so days has been soup, tea, or bread..with the occasional something else thrown in until i gave up trying to eat it...watermelon worked too...saturday comes along and i wwake up and cant open on of my eyes which freaks me out..cas i start thinking i have pink eye....got my eye cleared up and it was a little pink but not the itching hurting that comes along wtih pink eye...mom and sister both telling me i sound awful...which brings me to yesterday...again i had been taking the over the counter stuff..and it juts wasnt working so great...again being told i sound awful..and that it was hard to understand me talking...i wanted to give it one more day..before going to the ER ...because that was the only option...ER because the clinic i go to you have to have an appt to be seen..and so i knew i wouldnt be able to be seen there...i was kinda hoping i could slip in and see my med doc and get her to prescribe me something ..but it didnt get to that point...at first i was fighting hard not to go to the hospital..putting my hope and well wellbeing into the over the counter stuff and hoping it would kick in..but i was miserable..congested..hungry and not hungry..cold and hot..and trying to breathe and talk at the same time was getting harder..and so yesterday afternoon when mommy again pushed going to the ER i didnt fight her on it..i was tired..i was sick..i couldnt see any other way out of it really..and at that point i dont even think i cared...i was a little angry that i couldnt wait until tomorrow you know...but oh well on that one...

so off to the ER i go...driving slowly because my attention is all over the the place and i cant focus...the long freaking walk from my car to the emergency room about did me in..i was so tired!! but no one else was in there and so i was checked in immediately..and almost juts as quickly got a face mask to keep my germs to myself..i was taken back to a room just as fast...and the doc came and saw me almost immediately...talked about what had been going on..meds i was taking..etc...tested me for strep..i was just glad i got to lay down and not have to do anything for about an hour...finally the doc lets me now its nothing major..no strep..no pink eye..no im gonna die tomorrow..etc...he told me i have an upper respiratory infection with a bit of bronchitis thrown in...and so i left the er in 3 hours (no kidding) and headed (very slowly) to the pharmacy..only to fi nd out that the 3 prescriptions where going to be over $100...money that i didnt have at all...ready to cry and freak out i called mommy and she told me she would get the money..so i ended up borrowing the money from my sister and her husband to my utter humilation..promised them a million times to pay them back..but the whole thing was overwhelming ..and i was beginning to cry while at the pharmacy...so got the medicine and some juice and just came home..started the antibiotic and the steriod thing right away...the inhaler i do find a bit amusing .because i havent had to use one since i was a kid..spent yesterday evening sleeping off and on...but headache wouldnt go away at all...finally at around 11pm figured out i hadnt eaten since like 7am..and should prolly fix something..so made my little english muffin sandwiches with fruit and some chips..and some orange juice...stayed up a bit longer..and then again fell asleep...silly me had left the sugary stuff from making tea earlier in the day all over the counter in the kitchen..and so my surprise at finding the ant kingdom on my counter was not pleasant...got that cleaned up and sprayed down..before fixing my food..ugh i hate ants..but now the sugar is safely in the fridge away from the like creepers...and this week once i catch up once again on work stuff..i will be giving the apartment a good once over..well once i can do it without having a 'i cant breathe attack' but there is a major need to find some order in the chaos that is my apartment..and i think that will help with feeling better too...

but that all brings me to this morning..and pretty much where i am at now...already took the antibiotic since i managed to get that one started at 5pm yesterday..but im up early so its not a big big deal..trying to wait till at least 8 to take the other meds with my regular medication..and i have to actually eat with the steroid one..ugh..so at 8 will take those....i was waiting for the energy boost but i think its taking affect pretty slowly lol.just my luck...i did manage to start some laundry and take out the trash though so that was a plus..and dang it im getting tired again ...freck...

but the coughing has been more productive this morning...as in im actually getting the gunk trapped in my lungs and sinuses out...its so gross though... so so gross...having to do that hacking nails on a chalkboard throat clearing to get the gunk up and out..and it hate when other ppl do it..and hate it juts as much when i do it !! it drives me crazy..and yep its so gross..but its coming out...gotta keep telling myself that..

but i am feeling better already...and it hasnt even been 24 hours yet..my throat isnt as sore...im becoming less congested the more i cough gunk up...i can think again a little bit...im more interested in what is going on around me..

my body took a beating these last 3 or so weeks ... and i know i will need to take it slow to regroup and once again get back to where i can manage and not tire out so quickly...but today will be an at home paper work day...no going anywhere..while im getting used to the meds..and all of that....

but maybe laying down for just a little bit longer will be ok..

whats going on .... changes

im sorry in advance if this doesnt make sense..im trying to sit up and write but head is still spinning and iim not thinking all the clear ..stupid cold ..but anyway


i had a sorta lunch meeting wed with my old supervisor..and i had been waiting patiently for her to get her businness going and all that since she left the office..ooh about a year and a half ago...we have stayed in touch...big time stay ed in touch..

well talked to her wed and she told me that within the next 3 months she plans to have the boys program up and running...a home for boys ages 5 - 12....

the position she offered me (like she actually started the conversation with i know you have kept asking to live with me) !..is a live in overnight position...i would be moving into the home with the boys which would mean downsizing majorly for me...because i would be going from an apartment to a room...but i get to keep my cats with me!! ... my days are free so i can do whatever i wanted..have another job or not ..i wouldnt have to pay any household bills anymoree..which would allow me time to save and catch up on some of the outstanding bills i have floating around..

there was be an easier way for me to get health insurance through the hospital because there will be a decrease in income ..i would still be making a paycheck..and i would get to work with children again... and i will be back to seeing my supervisor almost daily which has the kids so excited...and this is working with a lady who knows that i have 'issues' some big ones..and still she offered me the job..and of course there is the piece that i will no longer be living alone...

i will be a change..and take some getting used to..but i think i can make it work..having my own place isnt that important..i just need my own space...and it will be less stress having the hours for when the kids are actually sleeping..and these will be more low risk kids so no super major behaviors...some behaviors...but not restraint worthy behaviors..

we have thought about it none stop for the past 2 and a half days and cant see any reason as all to not take the job....really cant..becuase there would still be time and space to work on our own stuff..or have a small part time job..and time to go and visit my sister ! we even did a pros and cons list..adn there were only 2 real cons..and about 12 pros..

and the kids are talking about it in a way that says that will get a family again...a good family...thankfully my super visor will keep the boundaries in place..and of course we would be learning to keep the boundaries in place..but starting off ..the supervisor is strong enough for both of us...(i have worked with and spoken to her on a personal level quite a bit, and yes the question of living with her had come up quite often...

but it is the change i have wanted..it is the job i have been for pateintly...ive waited and waited for her to tell me this news..and now she tells me and it only took two days to decide..really less than two days cas i would go with her anywhere..literally..

i am excited i am..right now though im juts to sick to care about anything ..

but i have about 2/3 months to downsize..pack...and figure out what it is that we absolutely need lol..its like going back to college gosh darng it!!!! and we wont discuss how i have clothes everywhere (in the closet, on the closet, out of the closet, in baskets)well you get the idea...a lot of downsizing to do !

but this will be a good move i think..this is somethingi want...now to juts keep my current job..because my plan is to reduce my hours there to part time..and only have a couple clients to work with during the day...and then having my full time job at nights...

and we will be able to get out of this financial hole of school bills and med bills and all of that..

ok
now going back to lay down

jls

i am not angry

i feel the need to completely deny that i ever feel angry..im trying to shut it out and ignore it..pretend its not there because i know there is a lot of anger..stuck somewhere inside of me..and it is kept under tight tight control..not to be seen by anyone....i think since living by myself mostly my anger comes out at home..because there is no one watching me...mommy knows how to get me to react..and then uses what i say when im angry against me. then it really is time to shut down every thought.every feeling..its like being able to turn every thing off because reacting will only lead to more issues..more arguing..and i dont like arguing ... having a simple debate fine..that can even be fun..but i dont like yelling or arguing or fighting or anything because it makes me nervous..and puts me on edge..like i have to completely be on guard if i am around any of that becuase if not then ill get sucked right in to it ...

but back to anger...the reason i am afraid to express it is because i know there is a lot of anger...i feel like im truly a bitter and angry person..and that ive just managed to hide it away..but if i let it out then i wont be able to keep control of it...i wont be able to keep myself together at all.

i dont want to be that anger person who lives there life alone because they cant come to terms with whatever it is that they need to come to terms with.  i want to forget but i cant..and i dont remember to even forget it..it was juts wrong ..all wrong and messed and hard..and i was stuck there..i was left there..i lied and so i stayed there...there was saving grace..no person to come and rescue me.. and im not really sure i managed to rescue myself...some part of me made it out alive..but im not sure it counts if im still trying to kill that part of me..i want to get rid of the hurt part..the sad part..the guiltly and ashamed parts. i dont want to feel broken and that i dont fit in because i juts cant relate to anyone..

yes im angry..very very angry..and it does make me afraid and so i push it away..make it go away becuase that is what i have to do..i learned early on not to cry..i was told pretty specifically not to cry...but the rest of it?  did i convince myself of the whole black and white thinking?  everything is one way or the other no inbetween...i try to think about the things mommy has told me..and i can be fairly positive in that i learned it from her but again as i learned it, it changed and grew and became my own.  silence was my friend.  i worked hard to not express anything..dont look at anyone ..dont show anyone you are upset..and now one will question you...no one will care..and then it doesnt matter at all..nothing matters..and slipping through the cracks is the easiest thing ever..even now i still work hard to make sure i am not seen crying...it takes an awful lot for it to happen anyway..but still id rather not be seen..and that was a hard learned lesson..

i want to say i dont have anything at all b=to be angry about..that my life was great..that im juts messing things up talking about all of this and talking about things that should be better left forgotten..i still worry mommy will find out..i worry that she already knows and will somehow usse the information against me..i tell her over and over that i enjoy coming home, that i like talking to her..but how can she not hear the emptiness in my voice with these questions?   yes she has seen the scars now..and i am ashamed ..but still it is about her..and how upset she is and how worried she is...it was 4 years before she found out and then just told me that i needed to be in the hospital..and that something was wrong with me...and she asks if it is her fault..if she did something..and that she feels she was a good parent..

but im the one who remembers stuff..its normally my brothers and sisters who remembers and then she denies it...all of it...i didnt mention anything about the plastic baseball bat that i was hit with and tried hard to hide as often as possible..i didnt mention the trying to run away, or being forced to eat out of the toliet..no that wasnt me..and i wouldnt have said it even if i had remembered..no..this was listening to my older brother and getting little bits and pieces that made sense..and alot of confusion for what didnt make sense..and then mommy gets so pissed off because i dont remember anything..i told her i didnt remember having birthday parties and she was so mad...swore up and down that i had birthday parties .. well im happy for her but i dont remember ...how do you forget your entire life?? ive forgotten everything and get so upset because i cant remember anything and i try too..

why am i angry..i think my anger and sadness get mixed up with each other ... i think im angry and sad right now but the sadness wins out..or maybe its sadness and hurt but burt is not an actually emotions..juts sad then...upset..because because i was stuck in a place that i didnt want to be and that was not safe or happy for me..but if i say that then i am being selfish..i am the bad one..i had everything growing up..how dare i even say anything bad against mommy..but what about me?  how is it that in a family as big as mine no one has bothered to tell me the truth??  why has no one told me i was adopted?  why am i not allowed to have anything of my sisters?  how could so many adoptions be hidden and no one know about them??? really if you looked at a real picture of my sisters, brothers and i..it is easy to question whether or not we are all actually related..but no...it was denied...never told..never mentioned..but i know..i ofund out by accident but i know...fast forward to mothers day this year that was really not a good weekend..and i remember now...i dont like mothers day..why celebrate someone who doesnt like or want me?  someone who tells me repeatedly that she is only hurting me to make me better? why is it that i would like a day representing mothers and i have two that juts didnt/doesnt want me?  whats the point?  all things i push away..and try not to think about .. and when i do think about it..i get angry because i wonder what i did that was so wrong that made everyone hate me..hurt me..push me away..and i wonder why now im stuk looking for a mother that im not allowed to have..and get so jealous of childs and adults even who do have great relationships with there parents..and its like im just standing there watching what is going on with everyone else..and realizing and wondering why i wasnt able to have that too.  why was i hit with so many things or pinched or slapped or had things thrown at me or protected...the time when it really mattered no one was there..and that is just gone..the sad thing is ..i know she was in the hosue at the time...the sadder thing is that i knew better than to mention a word of it to her...i would have been in trouble..i would have been the one hit for not doing what i was told...i didnt act out then..i was to sheltered for that...mommy is good at using what i say or do against me..i may not remember..but she will...and if she is mad at me about something ..then i start to panic and worry about what i may have done or said that i dont remember..what i might be in trouble for..what i may need to apoligize for...i am inheriantly bad i  guess...broken.messed up..and sometimes i dont think that there is any point at all in continuing to try to be ok when it is something i fail at almost each and every day..

i dont understand why i was the one that was picked on..excluded..not allowed to do the same things that my siblings were able to do..what did i do that was so bad ?? what is the hell is so wrong with me?  i could prolly associate everything that is wrong now with something that has happened in the past..thats the part of things that keeps getting in the way of stuff...no i wont look at anyone because im afraid of being in trouble..afraid of being judged or hit or yelled at..i dont trust ppl i dont know..and until i can determine if you are safe or not then i will not say anything at all to you..im messy now ..well unorganized because mommy pushed cleaning so so much..and my room was often a mess...and the way to help me fix that issue was to come and dump everything out..rip everything off the walls..empty out my closet..and then give me a time frame to get it cleaned up in...and those times i did actually cry..because it was overwhelming..because it was like having to start over every single time...and it was always a race against the clock...i can hear if anyone is walking around outside of my door when i am at home..i have to be really quiet and listen to make sure that no one is sneaking up on me..i cant be in a room without knowing a way out or being able to see who is coming and going because i spent so much time getting cornered and trapped in places...and being caught meant being in trouble...i truly do prefer to be hit vs being yelled at ...the yelling and threats and disapproval never go away..but the hitting has to stop at some point... sometimes my yougner brother and sister tried to protect me...but still i was the target..i was the one who had to work twice as hard ..the one forced to do all the things i was afraid of and didnt want to do..but again those are activities that a kid should be happy to be involved in...but i wasnt..i was to shy to like activities that brought attention..i didnt want to be looked at ..and mommy made sure i knew that i wasnt good enough..that i wasnt measuring up..that looks is all that really mattered..and me being overweight is a sore sore issue with her..at least 2 or 3 times a week i am quizzed on what i am eating or not eating.what i should eat..how i should dress what i should wear..over and over and over..i know the whole conversations in my head..i dont need to be told anymore what is wrong with me..i know what is wrong with me..it has been pointed out to me my whole life..over and over..never being told you are ok...and now mommy will tell me that i look nice in something and i dont believe her...there is always a but ...there is always something that i could have done better with or something i forgot to do..

somehow ive managed to trigger myself horribly...and it just makes me sad..my thoughts go in circles and i get confused...i dont remember what i was even writing about anymore because so much has come out..and instead all i want to do now is hide away..and have things perfectly quiet...i thought i was getting better..but i really must be deluding myself big time on that one...im not better..im not worse...im just stuck in the middle ..wondering what it is that i need to do so that i dont forget that i am the target..that i am the one that needs to hurt or be hurt...no im not cutting..havent burned in forever...back and forth between over eating/purging/and not eating..but even that is not as often...instead im just stuck in my head..thinking..wondering..wishing i could be someone else..someone better..anyone better..but im just me..and that is just not good enough..i try ..i really do try to be good and nice and kind so that i will be liked..but i fail at that too..there is so much that i fail at ...

i dont think i can handle writing anything else tonight...i think im done before i feel the need to calm myself down and do stupid things..guess its cartoons ..

sad and angry

i listen to this song and i hurt...thats all i do is hurt...the song is associated with a show i used to watch called higher ground...disturbed teens...wilderness treatment program..so on and so forth ... the scene is heart breaking for me...does anyone understand how hard it is to face the truth ?  to acknowledge the hurt and pain?? to someone else without just breaking down?  how long have i lead on to the secrets..how long have i worked to keep them hidden and out of my head?  push away the thoughts..pretend they are not there..give myself the childhood that i wanted..not the one that i cant even remember...not the one that fills me with fear and shame and guilt...not the one that lets me believe that i have to punish myself..and hurt myself..and be mean to myself...i dont want that life anymore..it is to hard...the price of it is to high now...and im not sure i can pay it anymore..not without needing that punishment to go along with it...needing some sort of outlet to release the anger and hurt without letting it become overwhelming..and the anger turns into sadness anyway...always...the anger burns out and sadness sets in and takes over and it is hard to feel hopefful in a world that has given me more pain thatn anything else...i just hurt...im hurt and angry....so very very angry..

I Wait

i look at you
not speaking
but you understand
the need to be held
to be hugged
to have the fears chased away

i wanted the safety of your arms
bury my head into your neck
mold my body against yours
somehow be able to stay with you for always

but you let me go
and i cried inside
i screamed for you to take me back
to never let me go

you understand the fear
the hurt, the sadness
and still you let me go

im not yours to keep
and you are not mine to steal away
yet i crave your affection
i crave your attention

i cry out for you
but you are no longer there
i wait for you
but the time continues to pass
the days turn into months
and all im left with is the memory
of the safety from your arms
the promise that you wouldnt let anything hurt me

why isnt that enough? 
 why do i want more ?
i want you to keep me
to make me yours

i promise to be good.
i promise to follow the rules
then you pushed me away
and broke my heart

yet, it is still you that i want
it is still your safety that will protect me
your arms that will show i am loved
and that i matter

so i wait
wait to see you again
wait to have your attention again
wait for you to hug me again

and still i will pray that you never let me go

if this is what i have escaped them please please make it go away again...pleaase ... i am becoming locked in myself...and soon there will be no way out..

i dont know what i want...

ive been thinking about this since i saw alice earlier today..and i really truly dont know what i want right now..from anything..and i think that the feeling so aimless and hopeless with everything is what is causing me to just shut out everything and ignore life and everything in it because it has become so repetitive..i do the same thing every week...work and go home..and sleep..thats it...no real motivation or interest to do anything else..and so i did try to self medicate myself for a few days but that didnt work either ..stupid valium..well i prolly need a higher dose but no..im not gonna take them ..ill stick with what i have for anxiety..and im getting sidde tracked big time...i think this is going to take a while to work through..and its like back to one of those great images ive worked out in my head....standing in front of a huge door that is not locked but it is closed...and to go through it is the choice that is laid out before me...step into the unknown..or stay where i am comfortable and can hide or dissappear or not be noticed...but what is on the other side?? and what do i need to get there??  is it really therapy?  do i need to work on really having to depend on myself? will i have to deal with the steps backwards to get myself back on level ground? what do i want to do with myself..with my life...again i feel stuck in some incredibly lonely place..juts watching everyone else live and have a life..and im stuck..wanting it but not going for it..not doing anything to get it or have it..and so it slips by me..

im asked what do i want...and i dont have an answer... im not happy but i dont know what particularly is not making me happy..is it me?  maybe im just destined to never be a happy person..i mean i manage..i pretend..i do what i absolutely have to do..and after that..i juts hide..pick myself apart..all the things i have messed up have to be accounted for in some way...im not really taking things out on myself currently..and im not even sure how i feel about that anymore..

shouldnt i want to feel better?  maybe pulling up the past stuff isnt what i need to work on..i mean staying in the present is hard enough..and makes me tired...i cant deal with the past and the present..and with my thinking i jump ahead into the future too..

i want someone to organize my thoughts...tell me that im being irrational..not thinking this through...

for some reason turning 30 this year is a big deal...but why? ok well i know why..im constantly seeing other ppl being pregnant, getting married, having fun, doing things, going places....and me i stay at home...do i want to go back to school?  do i want to adopt? do i want to even stay in richmond?  in all areas i just dont know what i want to do...and not knowing means that i am not doing anything at all ...i try to hide the sadness..i do..but its not working so great...not all the time anyway...i know good and well mommy could figure out that i was not happy while i was up there for mothers day...but it didnt matter..she could over look that completely..and all she needed was my continued agreement that i was having fun..that i was happy i came..thats all that was important...not the fact that i was upset and struggling..that i may have been suicidal..that i was wanting to cut..that i was silent for most of the weekend...no all of that can be ignored..because its not important...the price of being around mommy is going to kill me one of these days..like im back to just waiting for something to happen...and lately ive been so so angry...easily upset..easily overwhelmed..i dont pay attention when i drive because my mind is else where..i dont want to be around anyone or anything that creates to much noise..i just want silence..and solitude and then i drown in the emptiness..because there is no one to help me get out..to pull me out of myself..

i want to tell alice and courtney and susan to just not waste their time on me..that i havve failed at this..and will keep failing because i dont know what to do to help myself anymore..and they can spend there time helping someone who is more deserving..someone who is willing to work...me...all this time in and out of therapy..on and off meds..and still im broken and screwed up and illogical..to myself...i would never say any of this to someone else...cant have anyone else thinking or knowing that i am just a mess...and there is nothing that helps me.. i could give me..go ahead and go back to all the stuff that worked with helping me numb out completely...to just be able to go back to drifting off and just not caring either way..im still looking for an escape...but i have to prefect my mask again...its slipped off and i need it to be firmly back in place...i dont need anyone looking at me and wondering if i am safe anymore...wondering if i have done something...if i havent killed myself yet..i dont think im going too..if the pills and the cutting and purging didnt do it years ago..im fairly certain its not going to happen now...but there is a very fine like between being ok and not being ok..and i seem to be walking it pretty constantly lately....

maybe i have given up..i dont know..i mean one weekend with mommy and how many times was something esaid about what i was wearing ? how i looked? what i was eating? i know already that i am not good enough but did i really need the constant reminder ?  and the continued reminders on the phone..every day..dont mess up..dont screw up..dont do this .. dont do that...my world is full of donts..the self loathing still runs very deep...and suicide is still something that i wait for..not really acting on it...but jut waiting for what is going to happen...sometimes i really wonder why i was stuck in this life..when i dont fit in..i dont understand it..im afraid of everything..and so i stay alone...completely alone in some half assed attempt to keep myself safe..but a lot of things happen when someone spends to much time alone...cant think of anything good that comes from it...

so where does this leave me exactly? i still havent got the faintest idea..but i think i will end up stopping therapy for a while..see what happens....give myself the test of staying safe ... but i dont care either..and again my thinking goes back to leaving before i get hurt.let me leave her before she can leave me.maybe it doesnt hurt as much that way...but what do i know??? 

nothing

5 months....5 freakin months...

For some reason today I felt the need to check my progress..to see how far I have come..to acknowledge it somehow...

it has been 5 months...5 full months without any cutting..

in the past 5 months..the urges have come and gone...some serious but most arent...its only been this past weekend where i was ready to do damage...serious damage...but calmed down and have been able to move past it..and not act on the thoughts...had i been alone i would have..i had accepted that..and the negative thoughts took off..but i didnt do it...i didnt ...

for  5 months my skin has been able to heal..my skin has remained intact...no bleeding..no new scars made by me...nothing...the smaller scars are fading away..the bigger scars are now just there...no anger or shame about them anymore..they are just there..

am i feeling proud of myself ??
am i able to better manage??

how in the world did this happen??

maybe questioning it is no the way to go...it is what it is you know..it happened..stuff happened..but i am still alive..i am still breathing..and the choice to hurt myself or not is all mine..and no one elses...i can make the choice to be and stay safe...

i can make the choice to live my life without the shame and guilt that can come with the self harm...


its been 5 months... and a lot has happened in these 5 months and still i havent self harmed...i havent

and this is where i am....today

I have been thinking about this alot since yesterday and after the stressful weekend that has caused some changes inside. T and the med doc are both quite confident in 'my' ability to think things through, to stay safe. Going into the weekend the thoughts were very unsafe,negative, down right not good. I do believe that had the argument with the mother not happened, this would have turrned out differently. Acting on impulse without thinking has been the cause of a lot of unsafe behaviors. Instead of acting, ended up driving and managed to get to a place where acting out was not going to happen, at least not that day. The plans were stilll there, the thoughts still there, all weekend the thoughts overwhelmed us. Needing/wanting a way to release some of the pressure building inside..may have been really down while out of town, among other things but did not act out at all..pushed aside the things that were causing more stress..drove my sister crazy cas it was jut funny..you know just did what we needed to do inorder to get through...can home on sunday and still the thoughts of hurting and being unsafe were the dominant thoughts. we had already cancelled t in a fit of anger so who cared you know. Yesterday i called the pdoc about a med issue and talked to her just a little bit..just enough to know that things are not going great right now..and she told me to remember to think..to remember how far i have come..stuff that i would normally not even care about .. or be able to remember when am feeling way to many things..and most of them are not good things...

yes there is a point to this .heh

after talking to her and making some noncommital sounds of agreement for staying safe and everything..ir ealized that the thoughts had calmed down...the desire/urge was still present with some thoughts..but overall the need to act on them had lessened a lot...and somehow it happened without t, without s/i, without any thing that majorly was harmful at all...yes still feeling a bit down and worried about some things that are going on with work..but the acting out needs are almost gone..am isolating a bit still and planning to spend the day at home again..but compared to what was being planned..ill take the staying at home..really i will..

i can look at it and at least acknowledge that maybe t is slightly, just a little bit right....we can manage..and we can deal with and get through the harder things..it may take time and a lot of writing and suport from other places (like here and some friends on fb and things)..but going back to the old ways didnt happen...

it is a little mind boggling really...to be able to see and understand that we got through it...am getting through it...and managing.

I told the guy at work yesterday that I didnt want to talk about my weekend and he respected that..and didnt push...sometimes no i cant hide the sadness..the anger yes ..except on fb ..but well thats a different story compeltely! the sadness just seeps out.until it has run its course..and we have to ride the wave until we can get to the other side...

this is good? this makes sense?

there is no t this week...kept that session cancelled..but will reschedule for next week, as now i need to talk to her..to get some sort of direction/guidance...to figure out where i really stand with all of this...im not ready to admit that she is right...not to her anyway :P...but i can consider the option that maybe being in t weekly is no longer needed...


just a lot of thinking this morning..

thanks for listening.

broken and depressed

sneaking online so sorry if this doesnt make a whole lot of sense..but im being watched prety closely by my mom and sister and so yeah..its ujst sad and miserable and i hate them all right now.

had a work issue and am behind with some stuff and so i tried to be an adult about it and told my sister i wasnt able to come up this weekend and visit..an almost 7 hour drive for me...less for everyone else..but us..im two states away..it is a long freaking drive...so my plan became to just stay at home and do my work stuff and get caught up..without having to worry about the stress of driving for such long periods of time you know...my sister said ok...my mom said no..she said i was messing up everyones plans by not coming..that i would do more work surrounded by family..that i should have known better than to get behind..and so on and so on..until i lost my temper and said forget it..ill just come..i dont care..whatever..and again she won..she got me to fricking loss my temper and say i would do exactly what it was i didnt want to do...spending money i dont have..to drive all this way..just to be excluded for the most part anyway..because im supposed to be doing my work and everyone else can be having fun and playing and goofing off..and im just being watched...told to work..told to focus..and just because im being told to do it nad forced to do it..have i done much ???? nope ...because im mad..i feel so so mad and angry and being passive aggressive just is not helping..because again im only hurting myself by not getting my work done but i dont even care riight now...i wanted to leave this morning and go home..you know early...mommy again said no..said i have to go to church..but then i can miss the family breakfast out and go home..becuase yes that is really really fair...and again i am being the one sent on my way when everyone else gets to stay and have fun..because i have so much work to do..becuase i have such a long drive..it didnt matter at ALL yesterday or friday when i said i could stay at home and then i would be able to have my space and get stuff worked on..no i had to come up and be with family because other wise i would have messed everything up...so i came..and realized a little to late that again it was mommy whose plans would have been messed up..becuase she said she just wanted everyone here for mothers day..my brothers and sister would have managed ..cripes they wouldnt have cared much..its not like i was able to contribute anything anyway...and so my mood is back and forth between being so so very angry..and so so very depressed...because i rushed to pack and everything a lot of stuff got left at home..wasnt able to pick up all of my meds...cant drive on the anxiety meds becuase they will make me sleep...so cant even stay calm right now...oh i can pretend..im great at pretending..and im my impulsiveness and anger went and cancelled t for next week...thoughts of just not caring and wanting to be left alone and all of that was overwhelming..still is...the need to isolate and be alone is so so so strong right now..and im tired...just tired of all of it...havent self harmed in just about 5 months and this weekend i in my head are thoughts of getting ahold of more tools...finding a way to release some of the feelings that are just growing and growing and being stuck inside of me..without a way to get out..and i keep quiet and it just keeps growing and i dont know how to release it anymore safely because it has gotten so so big .. i should have kept my mouth shut...dealt with it on my own..but i had to put all my pride aside and ask for assistance from my job..let them know that i was struggling and having a hard time keeping upwith my work stuff..and im most likely looking at being put on probation at work....again...i know its been coming and ive just still slacked off and not been able to manage and all this stuff..and in the end im just behind and it is my fault...no one elses...and so i have to deal with the consequences..i have no choice really..and so my thinking is very down and negative...im very on edge...struggling to manage ...struggling to get through the day...struggling right now to just make it home and be back where i feel safe..im not safe here..not with mommy here..not when she doesnt listen to me..not when she has voluntarily fricking touched me and rubbed me and patted me like im a child without my permission...i try to move away from her and it doesnt work...then im told i dont love her..that im being selfish..that im wrong and dont care...that she is only trying to help and that she cares and so i am still wrong because im messing up her trying to care for me...but i dont want her care...not now..not before..it was never there when i actually needed it..and now its to late..and uncalled for and not wanted and uncomfortable..im not a child..im a frickin adult..and to be touched like i am a child is unsettling...and a bother and again causes a lot of anger..shes the one who taught me not to be touched and now she breaks the rules and wont leave me the heck alone..i dont understand anymore..im to tired to fight her anymore this time..she has won..she has broken me..and i dont know how long it is going to take to repair the damage..i really dont...

i have messed up...ok

i dont know how else to say it...ive messed up..thats it..all..i dont know what else to say...i dont know what else i can do...im sorry i just freaking scrwed up everyones plans...im sorry for being a screw up and for messing up and for just not doing what i know i needed to do...for whatever reason...im sorry ok...and i try to fix it..to do the right thing..make the right choice..and its thrown back in my face...yep..thats me..just  a fucking screw up..thank you for the reminder..thank you for letting me know just how well i have messed things up..and messed everything up for everyone else...thank you for the reminder..i do really appreciate it...

i am not a mother...i am just me

i am not a mother in the sense that i have children.  i dont have children.  i work with children, i spend time with the children of the people that i do work with.  i care a lot for the children that i grew up babysitting.  i have children that i have worked with in the past who i have lost touch with and that does make me sad...but i still think about them.  i remember the children i work with because i want so much for them to grow up and be happy and healthy.  not all of the children i work with have behavioral issues or mental health issues...but my wishes for them are all the same...i will protect the children that i am close to with every fiber of my being. i dont want to see them hurt..i want to see them smile, i want to hear them laugh..i want them to know that there is happiness, care and comfort in the world..i want them to know that they can be anything they want to be, that their lives are not set in the area and conditions that they have grown up in.  I want for them what i didnt have growing up.  i may not have any children myself..but i have influence over a small group of children.  the ones who come and talk to me and ask the same questions three times because i am listening to them..because they just want attention..they want to be heard..they want to feel like they matter and that they are important..and i may not be able to do everything i want to for them..but i can at least help them feel loved, wanted and important... that is what i do...that is what i strive for...i dont want to watch these children grow up thinking that there circumstances are all define them..that all they know is what they grew up with...and there is more to life than that...they have their whole lives ahead of them..and i want them to know that..to understand that there is a whole world to explore and see...that the world is not just where they live, what they hear, and what they see on  daily basis...there is so much more...so very much more...

self medicating and a lot of thinking....

have you ever done something just because you know it is going to get a reaction..because it will force someone to pay attention to me...because im a danger..because i need to be monitored..because i need to be helped...normally i spend so much time just pretending to be okay that sometimes it is hard for me to realize when im really not ok...the big obvious times dont count....its the smaller ones..the ones that build up over a few days and then come crashing down on my head when i cant take it anymore...

im trying to be okay..but everything in me wants to go and just do every negative cpoing skill i can think of..and i know it is jut a reaction to realizing that no i am not seeing alice tomorrow and it is upsetting me...because i want to see her..i need to see her..i dont trust myself...maybe i just dont want to trust myself...afraid to be accountable for my own self...with no one checking in with me, its like im suddenly all alone again...i have to deal with myself by myself and that is not ok ..i dont want to deal with myself..yes  i want to be taken care of..loved..needed..everything i didnt have growing up ..i want it now..and i go all crazy trying to get it and trying to make it fit what ever idea i have of how i want it...and then it doesnt work and im so so upset..but am i really setting myself up for failure?? im to old to be taken care of in the way i want to be taken care of...and i know it is my childish thinking at times that has me wanting to act out now juts because i dont want to be ok...what happens when i truly become ok? when i can manage and cope?  and im choosing to ignore all of that right now as i write this because i think ive been holding all of this in since last week and didnt get any thing out..and so now today comes along and i end up with medication that i want but that is not mine...not enough to OD on or anything..but enough to numb me out completely...i want to hurt..scream..cry..something..anything.. i want to feel something but all that i want is nothing good...i am surrounded by dark clouds and nothing positive or nice is getting through right now....im trying hard not to act out ...to do things on purpose..to hurt myself in any number of ways...just for the attention..the care it will bring..the concern..the undivided attention...i want that..as much as i dont want to admit it..that is what  i want..and now it is being taken away from me..and i dont like that...i feel like im being pushed back out into a world that i just dont fit in to..ive tried..and it doesnt work..and then i dont try and im told that im not trying hard enough..i dont want it bad enough..that i like being screwed up..that im getting something out of it ..and i really wish i knew what it is that i am getting because i dont know...im somewhere in the middle with everything..im ok but im not..i work but i dont...i live but im still trying to die in some form or fashion..and it may not be anything overt or over the top or anything...but the little stuff just builds up and then and then im stuck...and still in the same place...going back and forth and waiting for someone to come and save me ...i just want to be saved..

i think that is what one of the big issues is...i wanted therapy to cure me..and i can agree that i am more stable right now..but i was still looking for a cure..i wanted to be fixed..i wanted alice to fix me..and all the other therapist too...i want them to do it..i want to show up and be fixed..and thats not how it works..this time i actually worked..with alice and not against her as i would have usually done..maybe i was sick and tired of going back and forth..and maybe what it is that i need is to accept where i am and learn to depend on myself and trust myself..but the fear is there...how can i depend on myself now when ive spent so long trying to avoid that very thing..and now its juts happening..some how it is happening and without me even realizing that it was..some how i have begun to do things for myself..i may whine and complain and freak out repeatedly but i do manage when it counts...when did this happen? how did this happen?  im not sure this was supposed to happen...as much as i dont like being in therapy..that is a safe place..in her actual office..not the waiting room or the building itsself..just her office is safe...and i will be losing that safety..i will be losing the person who listens to me ramble and get  confused and get upset and doesnt get mad at me about it..or tell me im being stupid or that im repeating myself a million times...what will it be like without that? when i have no one there to help or talk to or juts be around for a little while to get my self to calm down a bit..what then...

i dotn know...i can feel the stress tonight in my shoulders..and neck...im holding on tight to something and it is making my body hurt...im trying to relax and distract myself..but the sadness and confusion is weighing in on me..and i wonder what ive done wrong in all of this..why am i being let go ?? dropped? pushed away? my body hurts right now..my mind hurts..im just tired and wanting to sleep and not think anymore...i want to not have to think anymore..i dont want tomorrow to get here and at the same time i know that i cant avoid it...

and so that is where the self medicating comes in to play...i want peace and emptiness...right now..thats all i want...

there is a choice to make..and it is my choice....

i am stuck..well not really..i know what i want to do but i dont want to jump the gun and commit myself to something that is not going to work out or be hard or struggle and all of that..i dont know..im juts confused...

ok the situation is ...

i have been asked if i want to rent a house...a nice house..in a good neighborhood...spacey..washer and dryer..through ppl that i know and feel comfortable with already...