the usual

having a lot of trouble staying focused..i think thats been going on all afternoon/evening...i really am starting to feel that 'not' feeling good is becoming the norm..like expected 3 hit and i started spazzing out..and of course i was still out doing stuff..seemed like i was just going so slow and taking forever to do anything..all emotion was drained away..and it was like how i was with t the last time i saw her..blah..but finished errands at least..umm issues at the doc again..and they took my bp and there were issues with that of course..but it was around the same as it was on friday by the end..which i was ok with..it is still disappointing though..but then just made a couple stops and came home...it makes me feel pretty useless to ha ve to take a break after being out :( so frustrating... umm but umm cleaned up some i think and made dinner..and it turned out pretty good..and i took a picture of it and sent it to my sister lol..it was great..she hates me now lol...but cleaned the kitchen and now back to laying down because head is all sorts of not ok .. about to take meds though..and hopefully that will help..but nothing really helps anymore.. ok no feeling sorry for myself tonight...dont have the energy to spare really..and have to be up early tomorrow to join the real world and go to orientation..but gotta finish laundry and what not hopefully tonight before i fall asleep..and umm get stuff ready for tomorrow..and all that..
gosh i thought i had so much more to say but i guess not..prolly need to make myself get up now and do something..

...

feeling fairly awful tonight...

thats all :(

just disappointed with myself

i am very disappointed with myself..fairly ashamed too..i went to the doctor yesterday for a tb test and was told that my blood pressure is really high..scary high..it was 160/100..the doctor freaked me out and started talking about strokes and all that .. and told me i needed to start checking it more often..i was on blood pressure meds in high school..dont remember why i stopped taking them but i did after a while...and never really thought about it again you know..lately though ..well not even lately.like within the past couple years ive gained a lot of weight..and i havent been paying attention much to what i eat or anything..and i havent cared and all that..and i know im not doing anything at all to take care of myself and be healthy and all that..and its coming back to bite me in the butt big time...im scared and freaked ..and feel like im just going to drop dead at any minute thanks to the rediculous doctors yesterday..and its just embarrassing to be told that well im not taking care of what i need to be ..and well i wasnt there for my bp so they just gave me a little print out thing and let me go..but i know i need to make some changes..and i am..i refuse to have to go on bp meds right now..if diet and exercise dont do it then i will..but i mean it doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure out that i need to lose weight and eat healthier and all that..but its scary and overwhleming a little bit too...i know changes dont happen over night and that its so hard and i have to take it a day at a time..i need to use up the food i have now and then go from there...i spent a bit of time yesterday just kinda researching and looking up stuff..and theres something called the dash diet that i want to look into..its made specifically for helping to lower blood pressure..when i get back on my feet im joining a gym and going to start working out at home now though..i mean i have an elipitcal that i never use and its just collecting dust downstairs...the sad part is that i know all of this stuff..i have been obsessive about dieting and counting calories before..i have exercised and ate healthy and all of that..and its like i just ignore it when i want too..i need to go back to keeping a food journal and knowing what im eating if i want to make changes..i just have to put the effort into it..and know and understand that its important...i know stress and meds and all that also could be playing a part in it..but im sorry 160/100 is just high i dont care what anyone says and im the one that has to work to get it down...i told nia about it yesterday and she was supportive..you know..told me i needed to start taking care of myself and all that...i told mommy and she flipped out and started demanding that i go right back to the doctor and get meds and all that...i told her that it would be more helpful if she stopped trying to tell me what to do..she didn't..and she keeps bringing it up..but i told her...i mean really this isnt about her..its me and what im going to do..her giving me directions and telling me what to do isnt helpful..its just overwhelming..im not a child i dont need to be told what to do..but anyway..i have a lot to work on..a lot of changes to make...and taking care of myself means no more cutting ...

actually wanting to do things today...more focused and clearheaded. i guess this is an improvment..maybe the new meds will help..

reasons why i have to keep a second job..

- well i currently/very soon will be behind on bills..i am behind on some..
- i need tires on my car..and a tune up..cant work without a car
- dusti and bounce both need a trip to the vet..cas they are scratching.and bounce needs her shots..
- im moving in september and rent will be almost double what it is now. plus possible moving costs
- birthday trip that we will very much want to take
- holidays and such and traveling
- there are things i just need in general (ie work clothes, food, etc)
- therapy, meds, and pdoc to pay for

i know it is going to be stressful, i know it will be hard and i will be so busy and all of that..but this has to work out..i dont have any other choice..

thoughts

feeling quiet..and worried..

wondering why yvonne spent the night here..

tired.dusti work me up to be fed and i know the meds are still fairly strong in my system..and so im really dragging right now..

trying to figure out a plan of action..but really all i can think of is taking a shower..thats my ridiculous goal for today..

not good

my head hurts..my eyes hurt..ive cried so much the past couple weeks that i dont think i have any more tears left. was very zoned out this evening after getting the letter about the unemployment..all the worries i ihad been trying to hold off came crashing down..tomorrow is like the day of choices i guess..because it will be whether or not i can get all the meds..and will have to go from there..and if i cant .. then ill just have to deal with stopping some and keeping others...i cant keep crying over all of this..but im at a loss..already im trying to figure out how to make what money i have left last..i have dusti and bounce to think about..i have so much on my mind..

ive cut again..and its like going back to the beginning..back to trying to stop when all i want is the emptiness from cutting..i just want to lay down and stop thinking..i am suicidal but i wont act on those thoughts..i have to show up to work on monday..cant have anyone thinking im not okay.

state of mind - Merril Bainbridge

Where do I go from here
Or am I just a clock spinning round
Everything seems unclear
Confusion is raising it's head
And I can't make a sound
I feel it tearing at my soul While I'm asleep
I feel it driving me to something I'll regret

What if I make the change
What if I loose all my courage
This time
Everything seems so strange
Try but I can't seem to make a decision
That's right
I feel it pounding like a drum inside my brain
I feel it if it doesn't stop I'll go insane

I feel it tearing at my soul while I'm asleep
I feel it driving me to something I'll regret
I feel it pounding like a drum inside my brain
I feel it
I feel it if it doesn't stop I'll go insane

I feel it
I feel it
I feel it
I feel it
I feel it

overwhelming day...very overwhelming

just need to get this out...head is so full and feeling so agitated and anxious...

well my morning started out with a phone call from my job that im starting next week..and that i have to get two more references..it has to be a supervisor..and so i have to figure out who i can get in touch with at my old job in nc..and talk to them..cas at first i was thinking i would have to get in touch with my supervisor from my job i just lost and that i didnt want to talk to them..well i didnt know what to say to my supervisor to get her to fill out a reference for me..and i was just getting upset and stuff about possible getting to see the girls and all of that..and it was hard to let that go...so that was worrying me..

went to t and talked to her..and it was hard..like nothing she said could get me out of how i was feeling..i refused a lot of her suggestions today because i just wasnt feeling good and was just having a hard time...we talked about how i was feeling and the cutting and the med situation..she told me i needed to talk to the pdoc and i wasnt to keen on that idea and said enough and agreed to consider calling the pdoc about the meds..(well i left her and was just sitting in my car figuring out where to go when pdoc called me..and i asked her why she was calling..which then turned into im sorry what are you calling about..t was fast in getting a hold of pdoc and telling her what was going on with the meds) i guess i cant blame her cas i wasnt sure i would have stuck to calling pdoc..and i would have just let it go or something..so pdoc talked to me about starting a different med that would be a lot cheaper and is like lexapro..and i told her i would call her back because i just needed to think..i was getting to much information pushed at me and i couldnt think..so im going to look up that med..cas essentially its like starting new with means possible side effects..with possible withdrawls and im just not happy or hopeful about the med situation right now..im not happy or hopeful about anything right now but thats another story..t talked about what it would take to keep seeing her..$70 a session..with the understanding that i could not pay right now..but would have to pay on it..im thinking about the bill i would rack up..im thinking about what it would take to just say no and stop going..thinking about how long it would be before we finished falling apart without t ..all of that went through my head..all of it is still going through my head..she said that would be how it would have to be until insurance kicked in but that as soon as i had insurance again it would be back to the usual price or something cheaper..since i dont know what type of insurance it will be...we talked about plans for me to be safe..and what i would need to do..absolutely refused the hospital...did agree to call her if things got to be to overwhelming..agreed something else but forgot what it was but in general my understanding is i need to keep it together and not end up with giving anyone a reason to try putting me in the hospital..no..talked about money and lack there of..and it was an overwhelming session..and i just feel like i am pushing t just to push her..want her to just be mad and give up cas im not willing to try or anything anymore..she told me again that i needed to keep holding on and not give up..cas i have so much to look forward to..i didnt make an appt for next week with t..but my appt for pdoc is still scheduled for a couple weeks..but she said she would call in the meds if i agreed to taking them..so all confused and overwhelmed by all of it..
really am on overload right now with all of that...

and then to add to the mix of everything going on..i was offered another job ..which i accepted for a number of reasons.. partially just want to be so busy that i just stop thinking about everything else...partially i just need the extra money..and i know it may not work out long term..and there's the possibility that it can work out long term..i don't know..but i want to try..i really do..and its just the orientation..i just want to be busy again..i need something else to take up space in my head..so will have to see..

failed

ive been trying to figure out what to write..how to get my feelings out..and nothing is coming out of my head..i think ive just shut down..and i dont know what to do about it..

got so so upset last night..so caught in all the bad thoughts and cut..not bad but not simple little cuts either.cant even bring myself to take care of them..and so they just hurt and are all gross right now..i keep thinking ill get up and do something.and i dont..like i know they are there but i can block them out and not deal with it..but they are there..and they are open enough to prety easily get an infection if i dont do something..but all i have is peroxide which i found this morning..realized there is nothing else..and im pissed that i have to go to the drug store for first aid stuff..i am..well i dont have to..but i should. i ca nt decide. i dont want to leave the house to day. feeling panicked a bit i guess..i dont know ..thinking about leaving just makes me feel off somehow..i just want to be still and quiet..and think about nothing at all..why is that so much to ask for..ive gone and ruined everything once again..cept all i want is the empty dead feeling from cutting..no thoughts.no worries..i think i was almost happy at the small moment of release..just everything went away..ill tell t tomorrow shes just wasting her time on me..since its pretty obvious i cant be helped..

down the rabbit hole...

im sinking ..again..its a very very bad space..cant seem to escape from any of it any more..all it takes now is one thing..almost anything..but the thought spiral is going strong right now..and im right back into blaming myself for everything that has happened and nothing is really helping..im just stuck and feeling soirry for myself big time right now..the sad feelings are so strong and overwhelming and i just want to lay down and shut out everything again..one semi good day and it cant even last a full 24 hours..and already it feels like i am just right back to where i was the other days this week..im really surprised that i am not feeling suicidal at all..i really am..i dont even want to cut..i am like completely getting sucked into the sad thoughts though and i really am struggling again..and it makes me so tired and worn out..cas its all repetitive and i have no idea how to get it to stop..i didnt realize how much the meds stopped all the repetitive stuff..i had forgotten all about that and now the meds are not there any more and its all coming back.and i cant deal with it...its like it was before i started the meds..when it was so easy for me to just feel so badly so fast and easy and my options were getting so so slim and not all that great...it really wasnt ok then and its not ok now..i know i said that i was fine without the lexapro..and ill manage..but its not going to be easy at all..the effexor alone isnt enough..and the chance that i wont be able to stay on that is pretty slim too..and it all just kinda sucks and is hard..but i know it will be a while before its all fixed and i have to deal with that ..i really do..and its i dont know..im trying to write..i am .. i keep writing and its always the same stuff..it is always the same thoughts..and i cant get rid of them..i cant escape them..im a depressing mess and if i could manage to escape myself i would...

but yvonne is back for some reason and its pissing me off and so i need to go and lay down or something i else..

what gets triggered in t?

i think something t said a couple weeks ago is bothering me ..i dont know..we were talking about eye contact again..umm it was before i had to go for my job interview. i told her that i could make eye contact when i had to you know..for a job interview i know i have to make some eye contact, i have to look at the person im talking to. im by no means great at it but i can manage it enough to get by and get the person im with to realize im looking at them i guess. but with linda i cant do it, i could do it with the linda before that, or the other therapist ive had. i couldnt do it with my teachers who knew way to much about me, or anyone who knows to much about me. im back and forth with family and almost never with mommy. but with the kids i watch i can look at them..it was back and forth with the girls i worked with, sometimes i had to force myself to look at them. i think its a little easier if im looking at someone and they arent looking at me at the same time..its like some of the pressure is off that way..but im off track..umm she asked me what gets triggered in therapy that i cant look at her..cas after talking for a bit she mentioned that i was making a choice to not look at her. i was like no its not a choice..its just something that i do..that i have to do cas i get nervous and all that..but i know its worse in therapy or when i have to talk one on one about personal stuff..its a lot worse..but i cant do it..i get so scared and nervous and anxious and ashamed i guess..gosh after umm almost 9 years in and out of therapy im finally slightly accepting that i need to go to therapy because theres a lot i have to deal with..but at the same time im still ashamed that i have to go..that i need someone else to step in and help me deal with stuff because i cant do it by myself..its like the ultimate failure..not being able to deal with my life and manage and all of that..but then having to talk about all the hurts and stuff makes me go way beyond just being anxious..because then it turns into like breaking rules and talking and not keeping family stuff quiet and being in trouble and then i really cant get the words out..and start just kinda losing focus and changing the subject..and you would think i would realize that doing all that just keeps me in therapy even longer...and its pretty obvious what topics i dont want to talk about cas i keep managing to get around talking about them..just cas linda starts asking questions and i start feeling trapped and scared and hoping that something will happen to get me out of there.. and saying i dont know a million times when i do know..and then it all gets confusing and im frustrated because i still cant seem to talk to her..and i want to but i cant..cas being scared and ashamed still wins out i guess..so guess thats all i got for now...and then i just cant look at her cas im afraid of what she sees in me but also what i would see from her reactions i guess..and maybe its just kind of a protection thing..cas i do work awfully hard to make sure i never look at her eyes..and i can see her when im in her office..without looking directly at her..i can tell and notice things about her..but i just cant look at her while im with her..and i dont know..

not accepting..

this...all of this that is going on now with money and insurance and meds..will never ever happen again..never.. i feel so stupid for letting it all happen..and blame myself every single day for messing up and just causing all of this..i do..but somewhere in my head i guess i know ill get through it because i have to..but i also know that i have a few days before i even have to bother doing anything else that concerns people or talking or interacting with anyone..i dont want to talk..i dont feel like talking..i want to be left alone but being alone is killing me..and i know everyone is busy with there own stuff i do..but still..oh well for me i guess..i hate how hard im struggling right now i do..and im just making it worse i guess because im not trying hard enough to get through it..without all the negative thoughts and what not..im tired..i sleep all the time..and if im not sleeping i may as well just be staring off into space for all im actually doing..im mad at everything..im mad at myself i guess..once i start working again..and start getting regular paychecks..i know ill be putting money into savings now..ill work three freaking jobs i dont care..if it means ill be able to save and live and not have this happen again..it makes me so so tired..and upset..and im angry that the unemployment is a bunch of bs..im very angry at that..and theres still a chance i wont get anything..how am i supposed to live ??! how am i supposed to manage anything ?? its all so stupid..all these programs put in place to help you and the guidelines make it so difficult to even qualify..i need help and i cant even get it..im embarrassed hugely by the fact that i cant afford to buy food and should go and apply for food stamps..but shame stops me from going and actually doing it..im trying to stretch out what i have..plan going to the grocery store down to the last penny..and still i know i wont be able to manage..and it is upsetting so very much..im ashamed to need the help..and even more ashamed that i dont qualify for most of it..im calling the free clinic on monday and seeing if they can help me with meds..and after that im just out of options...i guess..its just so disappointing..all of it..and its all my fault..because im just so stupid and trusting .. ive ruined everything..

...

not much to talk about today. didnt go anywhere. didnt do anything. napped. watched tv. played games. just feeling hopeless.. again

im just tired of all of this

the more i try..the more i fail..

i had to call the unemployment place today..and got told that i wont be cleared to even receive unemployment until i have my hearing..ok fine..my hearing is aug 13th..i dont have enough money in the bank to live on and i dont know what to do..im freaking out..and i call mommy and tell her and she just says not to worry..how am i not supposed to worry?!?! i may end up not being able to even fill my other prescription..and will have to wait on it..if i cant i cant..but just worked so hard last week to be able to get the prescription and now im right back to not being able to afford it..if i had gotten the unemployment it would have been ok and i could have managed..but now im just at my wits end trying to deal with all of this..every time things just start to feel better a little bit something else happens that sends me back into being so very not ok..i dont know what to do..and i know i will have to just manage because i really have no choice..but theres no money for anything at all..and even starting work week after next wont help because it will be into august before i even get my first check from there..and its all just so hard to deal with..so there will be no library..and no grocery store..no anything really because i cant afford to spend the money...and no driving because i need to save the gas and make it last as long as possible..geez i may as well just exile myself to the middle of no where because thats what it feels like im ending up doing already.. :(

yvonnes boyfriends grandmother died yesterday..and she called and told me that she wouldnt be spending the night at the apartment anymore...not that she has been here anyway...so i am alone..and i just h a ve to suck it up and deal with it..but i just keep falling apart..

today

slept pretty good last night i think..was up kinda late but it was ok..just waking up and feel awake but i know ill end up napping again..but trying to be ok with that ..your right..maybe i just need the extra rest..trying to be as ok as possible..but of course worrying about everything right now...paid as much as i could bill wise..and what left isnt much at all...and trying to keep that for next week so i can get the script filled..the pharmacy called me the other day and told me it would be $123 for the meds..and i said i would come and get it next week..and so im hoping so so much that it all works out but i am worried..was looking around online last night and found an assistance program for the lexapro but now that ive been off it for so long im not sure i want to start it again right now..i dont know..the effexor doesnt help the sad feelings..hah im not anxious..but im so so very sad and quiet..hmm dont know really..maybe ill talk to t about it next week..bounce kept licking me last night.shes so cute..she laid right in front of me on the pillow and licked my nose..hmm not sure what im going to do today..im trying to figure out something to do..

super cool that avatar is coming back to theaters ! that is so awesome. its coming out next month !! i hope it shows in va..gonna be so upset if it doesnt. despicable me came out today..but going to wait to see it..maybe will see something thats already been out for a while this weekend. ooh grown ups is out. maybe i can use my free ticket to see it.

hmm guess i need to get up and do morning stuff..

just struggling

i am sad. i am angry. im trying not to cry. all day ive been by myself and i guess it is just adding on to everything else. im alone and upset. thats a great freaking combination. im trying so hard not to cut. i am. but ive been thinking about razors for a while now. i never got around to throwing away the last new set that i got.ages ago..still have them and i want them . i am trying though. im trying to do something but i dont know what yet. just upset with everything..upset with the way things are turning out and keep thinking its all my fault..like i just keep reminding myself that i just screwed up big time with all of this and now im paying for it. yesterday i was thinking that it has been a while since you know ive been able to make myself suffer for something ive done..not being able to take the meds is making me suffer. i feel awful and there is nothing that will help that..nothing is helping any of the feelings..i just feel lightheaded and sick and not good. i just lay down because moving makes me feel awful..laying down makes me feel awful because i shouldnt lay down so much..but i cant deal with anything anymore. i cant get myself to get up and do anything..i forced myself to sit up tonight and i couldnt even last an hour before i had to lay down again. i napped for over 3 hours this morning after sleeping a lot last night .. i should go and take the sleep meds now but inside i just want to keep laying here becuase i dread walking up the steps..im so stupid ..and i just cant get past that all of this is all my fault. i have to remind myself that linda told me i had to keep trying and not give up but thats exactly what i want to do..i want to just give up and just cry and i dont know..just not be here. being here is to hard to deal with and i dont know how to get my head to stop anymore. i argue and lose..i try and fail..and nothing works..maybe i am hiding..and lying all day long to mommy. yes im fine, of course im fine, im just tired..i can lie all day long to her because i dont need her worrying about me..or asking me if im 'doing' anything..damnit i dont even have skin left to do anything with.well i do but cutting all over my lower arms would not go over well with anyone i guess..but lately i dont care one bit about the scars..im= just want things to be better and there not better..and really they are all getting worse..they all just feel worse and overwhleming and im tired..im just done with everything you know..i dont want to have to do anything that all...i have to go out tomorrow..and only because i have to will i try to deal with not feeling well and go to the interview i have tomorrow..and i have a meeting thing that is scheduled for tomorrow that i said i would go to..but i dont know about that..going and listening may be good...it may make me feel worse..so i dont know about that one..and thats my days...nothing planned for the weekend..nothing planned for anny days..any more..i just dont know what im doing..im sinking into all of this and just cant see any way out at all..i keep saying i just have to make it to the next hour without doing anything..i have to make it to seeing linda next week..i think about how i need to just get up and do something and i cant..and i know better..i do..how many times have i told someone else not to do exactly what it is im doing?! im not stupid but i seem to be dead set on making myself think i am..linda said it was a mistake what happened at work..when i told her i had messed up everything..but it isnt..i messed up..and then everything fell apart..and weeks later i still cant get a grip..im still not able to move on..because i keep thinking and worrying..and more things happen and i just go back to all the bad thoughts..hopeless thats what it is..just feel hopeless..and nothing is ok..

I learned there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead, others come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready, you see.
Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me.
-- Dr. Seuss

no meds...

i thnk the meds ..or lack there of are already effecting me...it is hard..and i am angry..

i used the last of the lexapro on saturday...and the effexor will only last through to next saturday maybe...and what i have left on the trazodone im trying to keep for an emergency...im going to the pharmacy this afternoon maybe..to see how much the meds will cost without insurance..and i signed up for the card on the effexor website that said i could get my script filled for like $4. i hope they are true..im very worried though...when i missed all of the meds on friday i thought my head was going to float away..it was hard to concentrate and my head just felt so heavy and weird..it was not a good feeling ..

it is really hard to think about all of this though...tomorrow may be my last therapy appt..and that makes all of this even harder...losing meds and therapist all at once..and i really have no idea what to do or how to handle it..

4th weekend

its been a busy one. went to water country today :) all day and we actually rode the rides ! and played in the pools.. and it was fun. going to dc tomorrow and the zoo!! it is fun having nia here. it really is.