small steps

welp i managed to find some motivation last night and actually cleaned my room. i can see the floor again and things are in order and that does make me feel calmer and more settled. i had just been putting it off and putting it off and finally just did it...and this morning ive been working on getting laundry worked on..and managed to get 2 loads finished and one half done.and now i just gotta work on sheets and stuff..and hopefully ill be caught up by next week! but now i gotta get ready for work..yay...NOT..but nah its not so bad

other randomness

i think the last med increase has helped chill out my anxiety...a lot..like im in neutral with almost everything..im not feeling stressed or on edge or anything..im just kinda chill all the time now..and sometimes it bothers me..and sometimes it doesnt..i mean goodness im on 150mg of effexor now..and i think it can only be raised one more time..but between that and the lexapro i think im managing..i mean im not suicidal and all that so i guess i am alright. but i see the psych doc next week so we will talk about it more then im guessing..the only real side effect is that im hot all the time..like really really hot and sweating..ugh its so gross..and i have such issues with controlling my body temp these days..but yeah..im guessing its manageable in the end..it could have been a lot worse side effect wise..im still kinda unmotivated at times..but when i know i have to go to work i can of course pull myself together and get things done..but when im off and stuff..i kinda just dont do anything..or it take forever for me to talk myself into getting out of the house and stuff..

i also have an appt to go to the dentist next week. to talk about my wisdom teeth..and i have to set up an appt for like the general teeth care..cas well i think ive screwed up one of my top teeth but im not sure..and my wisdom teeth dont hurt anymore..well the one that came in doesnt hurt anymore..but i cant tell if its pushed all the way out or not..so dentist is a good first step..next tuesday will be super busy!

im also getting a kitten next week..on monday...all ive decided on so far is her name lol..im naming her wednesday :) i think its so cute..i talked to nia about it this morning and she told me i should name the kitten lint! but nah lol..lint would be going a bit overboard since i already have dusti and her name is one of a kind :) but i am very excited about the kitten. i am talking to a lady who has some kittens she is planning on giving away and i hope it doesnt fall through! but i talked to my therapist about it to and she told me that she thought it was a good idea ! and that the kitten would keep me busy. i told mommy about it to and i told her that i would have to bring the kitten home with me if i was home over the holidays and stuff. and she said ok.

but yeah..i think..i guess things are alright in an overall since..things are still super weird with yvonne..so that one is really just kinda hard to manage i guess..and she is still leaving..but yeah

completely random sidenote..mommy told me i sounded happy the other day..weird!

goodness..so much is going on!

so i had a training yesterday on boundaries at work. and it was pretty interesting you know..i mean yeah they made the mistake of feeding us and then lecturing for 3 hours but hey you cant win them all lol. but yeah realized that my boundaries are better but there is still room for improvement. and for some reason my boundaries with the girls kinda depends on the girl. like i have that hugs me 2 or 3 times a day, and sometimes she just kinda stands next to me and i have my arm around her..and i get the feeling that she needs that connection you know..and i dont mind having her close to me or letting her hug me or something..but of course i never like go to them for hugs or anything..and then i have some that dont like hugs at all..and some that ask for hugs..and some that just kinda randomly touch my arm or something.. but i would never be like that with adults you know...its fine with the girls but not with anyone else really. but today i asked to be a goal buddy to one of the new girls..bcause both of the goal buddys i have now will be leaving soon..and i really find the new girl very likable..but the kid told me tonight that she was very happy that i was her goal buddy because i made her laugh and she liked me. and i guess it just made me feel needed..and wanted..and that is a nice thing. i also had another girl tell me she loved me today..completely innocent you know..and she told me to never forget that i was special..shocked me to say the least..because im not looking for stuff like that from these kids..i know they have there own stuff to deal with and i can only be there to help and support and teach..but some of them do surprise with with there sincerness at times.

hmm today has been..gosh today has been a day of nothingness...seriously..i got up..played online..did some stuff for mommy online, napped, watched tv, started laundry, and seriously thats been my day...i was so worn out this morning! it was not funny..well i fell asleep on the floor last night..and yvonne scared the crap out of me in the middle of the night..cas she was supposed to be out of town..but she left something and it was like 3 in the morning i just kinda get the feeling that someone is near me.and she is there and yeah..super creeped..but a little while after that i got up and went to bed..and then i got up this morning and just didnt have energy to do anything..and i know with this being my long week i have to prepare myself for working the weekend..but i guess i just feel like i should have done more or something..i dont know..

still feeling tired though..not completely ready for the weekend but it should be ok..im hoping it will be ok!

so whats going on...

well therapy and pdoc this week were helpful...meds went up again..and trying to deal with all that..feeling extra tired and im hoping that will pass quickly..seriously i think i may take a nap at work if im only with one girl..and then tonight im leaving straight from work to drive home..cas of henrys graduation..so yeah...

hmm trying hard to stay positive and focused.taking things a day at a time. but still really stressed out and anxious and just trying to hide it.

struggling ...just with everything

is it written somewhere that this is the month were everything possible has to happen?! have i somehow wronged the universe and this is all just payback for something that i screwed up and dont remember doing

:( my shift partner is leaving..she accepted a new job..and is putting in her two week notice today...im shocked and really wanting to cry about it .. we worked well together..we got along..im worried and scared..very worried

just feeling like things keep happening and its all out of control .. dont know what to do..feel very sad and unsafe and worried...stressed to the max right now about everything..and now yvonne isnt going with me this weekend and ill have to take that long drive by myself.and mommy is all worried . and shes asking if ill come home after the graduation and i cant decide anything. i odnt know what to say or do or anything right now. talked to the nurse at work today and she looked in my mouth and told me that teeth are coming in at the back..and so my wisdom teeth are coming in and it just hurts and its a pain eating and drinking or doing anything right now that involves face muscles..so have to go to the doc tomorrow. and have to go before t and pdoc tomorrow and that means getting up early and ..really just want to stay in bed and hide..




really want to cut ..thats all we want right now is to be able to just forget all this mess for a little while..just a little peace and quiet ..and the more out of control all this other stuff feels the more cutting looks better and better..cas it helps..because it can be controlled in the mess of all this out of control stuff..cant do this..really really cant

last night was not good

And so tonight everything just kinda came crashing down. I feel very very sad and broken. This is depressing, im depressing. Actually I guess it would be more than even depressed because I think for a little while tonight I was almost suicidal again. Im sad I cut but im upset because I stopped. I didn’t want to stop. I never wanted to cut. I wanted to stop thinking and I liked it. I always forget that part of me really likes cutting and it does make me feel better. It makes me tired and gives me a little bit of quiet..why do I even want to die again. I don’t think its so much wanting to die as it is just wanting to make things stop. There is way to much going on, and it is very overwhelming and stressful. Im trying to deal with it but its not working and I tried to listen to Yvonne and hear what she was saying. Nothing has changed though, and so it took a while but I realize now that what I have missed in all of this is my need to blame someone and that became blaming me. It felt like I was just waiting for something to blame myself for so that I could have a reason to just yell and be mean to myself. I wanted it in a way. I wanted to hurt, and the more I was mad and telling myself I was stupid and all of this is my fault the more it made sense to cut. That was the next stop, because of course it got way out of hand before I managed to realize I needed to stop. Then the only thing that could get it to stop was cutting. I wrote some, I made myself get up and walk around when I realized I was getting really anxious. I worked on a collage and nothing helped. None of it did. Now im just sad, and trying not to cry. I was really very angry earlier, and now its all just sad feelings. Im not angry anymore at all, just tired. I don’t like what is going on or how things are playing out. It just makes me anxious all the time. And if I had been paying attention I would have realized something like tonight was going to happen. I wasn’t paying attention though and was thinking I was fine and dealing with everything. I guess saying im a liar would be going a bit far, but I don’t care. I just hate all of this, I hate having to struggle so much with everything.
Today im still feeling really out of it. I don’t feel good, and im sad. Very very sad, the thoughts well the negative ones anyway just wont stop. Im stupid for just about every possible reason today and ive only been up for like an hour. I just want to stay inside today and not do anything..but I know that is not a good idea and so im forcing myself to stick to my plan of going to the movies. I have to because if I don’t ill just stay inside and not be okay. I can go to the movies and not be ok and I guess that’s a little better..i guess im a little worried about work this week, when im feeling so down and my mouth hurts..not thrilled about having to go to the doc this week. Id rather not but well I have to because im not sure if its my wisdom teeth coming in or something else. I feel like im falling apart in every way possible right now, and that is depressing.

very frustrated

im trying . hard to stay positive but it is taking a lot of effort to manage that..trying to do one thing at a time..and i know that today i have to go and talk to the office here and see if i can move my part of the lease to a one bed room..and if not then ill know i do need to start looking for a new place to live...but the first option would be trying to stay in this apartment complex..and i talked to both mommy and nia last night about it..and i think it does make me feel better that you guys and they are on my side i guess..and upset with me about the whole thing..it helps me see that im not overreacting i guess..but mommy also said that she would help me money wise if i needed it..and i would rather that didnt happen..but i dont know..and not knowing makes me anxious..

when yvonne was explaining it all to me yesterday she said that she would you know help me find another place and all that...but im not sure i want her help at all right now..and she said she is going to talk to the office..but i know that if i wait for her it may be a while before she goes and i dont have time to wait for her...so im going to see about my part and what happens if the lease is broken..i want to here it from the ppl in charge i guess...but if there are fees or something then no im not paying it..yvonne said that she wouldnt be able to pay rent here and where ever she moved too...so i really do not think i will be able to stay in the 2 bedroom..even with help..well let me change that..staying in the two bedroom would limit me being able to do anything at all except pay bills and i wouldnt be able to afford al of them...and the one bedroom is still going to really push the limits i guess when it comes to money...and im just worried..there is no time to even start putting money aside to cover moving costs or deposits or any of that kinda stuff ..if it came to moving to a completely new apart complex..did i mention im massively frustrated :censor and im mad mad mad that she told me when i asked her that she may not be going to ny and asked if i would consider changing it to a different date...and i really really just ugh i hate it...the whole point of going was because it would be my birthday..and changing it to over the holidays would be kinda not ok..cas of work and going home and all of that..and i dont really want to go then..i want to go in september..and she knows this..ive talked about it for months....i dont want to change my plans i dont .. am i being mean or selfish if i go without her?.. i dont know

im very glad that i have t today..can feel the thoughts getting very very not ok

last night was not a good night at work at all
i really dont want to go to work today

.....

today has been pretty chill...like really..ivve just been in a pretty neutral mood all day..some up and down moments but they were short lived...im slightly frustrated with the cable but im just trying to keep calm and calling the cable place to see about getting it fixed some how...its just being weird and not working..and its frustrating cas i just had to pay a heck of a lot of money to have it put in..so darnit it needs to work!

but the evening got away from me and i wasnt feeling good and was just reading and resting and well 3 hours later i realize that hmm i kinda need to get up lol...so of course i get up and come to the computer lol..i am about to go and clean up my stuff from dinner and then maybe head to bed..since it is almost 10 right now..the day has gone by fairly quickly

hmmm

yesterday was hard..therapy was hard t was very very hard today. :( we are feeling very sad and not connected..not contained it what it was earlier..like being outside was hard cas i thought i was going to fly apart..

very upset with t for being so understanding..she didint yell at me for cutting or isolating so much this past weekend...she did ask me to work on not cutting and not isolating..and she said it was good that i was working this weekend...we spent particularly the entire time talking about yvonne leaving and how i was feeling..and really it was to the point that i was biting my lip to keep from crying..but i think she could tell i was really beyond being ok..and she asked what i needed before i left and i couldnt tell her that i just wanted reassurance and well maybe a hug..i told her i didnt know and asked her what she wanted to tell me..and she went off and listened all this stuff she wanted me to know..and it did help..but made me want to cry even more..and then i had to go to work after i left her..and tried hard to pull myself together..but didnt do such a good job of it..and was crying in the car when i got to work..and just kept my sunglasses on for as long as i could..i was quiet and to myself..and really did take a while before i left more able to particpate..like the need the be quiet and still is really strong right now..i want to isolate so so very much..i want to be alone..and im at work where that cant really happen :(...i just need to think..without interruptions..and im afraid if i think at home it will not end well..but i have to do something because there are to many thoughts in my head..i cant process it all... :snoopy just made me realize that we are far from dealing with all of this..very far..because talking about it just ppulled all the hurt and sad and angry feelings back up..and well if i got to the point of crying then yeah there is still a lot to deal with...

well i wrote that yesterday

today just feeling tired..but i got internet and cable hooked up today and that does mamke me feel a lot better...i have missed it lol..

but just feeling a little quiet and to myself today..not in isolation mode..but just kinda alright being alone today..

thoughts from today..and well the past few days

really am struggling to deal with all of this...im upset and sad..and it doesnt seem to be going anywhere at all..i dont know what to do at all..im trying hard to think more logically and rational today..im trying to get myself to answer and identify what it is i need to do to make this work..and that scares me..all of it scares me...i feel like im going to fail again and end up going home..maybe thats what the big part of it is that im afraid to look at...failing and needing mommy to bail me out of trouble again..or some how convince me to come home..but i keep reminding myself that i have a job here..i have a reg paycheck here..and thats how i need for it to stay..i need to depend on myself...i need to be able to keep up with my bills and take care of myself and make this work...im an adult ..not a child..i can take care of myself when i have to..now it not the time for me to break down..because that is all mommy needs to start telling me that i cant do this and that i need to move home...im not going to tell her yet anyway..maybe ill wait until over the summer before telling her...i decided today that over the summer ill have to find a part time job..because it will be a lot more expensive living on my own...but i think im done with roommates...this time around with yvonne has been really disappointing and its been more like living on my own than with a roommate..and i think that maybe thats just what i need to do..and find a place that i like and can call my own for a while..because darnit i hate moving..i hate things changing..i really really do..and now i have to change things again..and the not knowing if its going to be a good or bad change wears on me...

i have yet to talk to yvonne...i have spoken to her once in the past 4 days..she has yet to come and tell me what is really going on...and its disappointing that still im the last on her list to talk to..cas she just assumes ill be there i guess..she is the cause of turning my world upside down and she doesnt even stick around long enough to talk to me about it..she has asked once and that was well four days ago..and i told her i wasnt ready to talk and i wasnt..but then i havent seen her and its like well .. ok..i get tired of waiting for her to remember me...of waiting for her to remember that she is supposed to live here too...i guess im just feeling very very betrayed by her..like she is becoming like everyone else who lets me down..she needed me when it was convenient for her..she got me here..and then i just wasnt as important anymore .. i wasnt needed anymore because i was here and not going anywhere..and its hard to think like that...but it feels true..i may be wrong..i may not be..but im going on how it has been living with her the past 6 months ... she is never around..and then she comes in and buys me stuff and then apologizes for being a bad roommate and she promises to be around more..and nothing changes..she is not here..and thats all there is to it..and more often than not when she is here she has company..so what am i supposed to think? how am i supposed to act? maybe i do need to step away and just have to depend on myself for a while..maybe i need to prove to myself that i can make it on my own..and that living alone is not the end of the world ..

this is kinda what i asked myself this morning to help bring order to my head...i think there are still questions i need to ask myself but i dont know what they are yet ...
What is the situation ?
• Yvonne is moving
What does that mean for you ?
• Im going to have to move because I cant afford the two bedroom alone
What are your options
• I can stay in va and try to make it living by myself
• I can move back home and try to stay safe
• I can move somewhere else and start over….again
Of the 3, which do you prefer?
• Staying in va because I like it here, because I have a job, and docs, because im managing and am ok here, and I have friends here
What are you going to have to do inorder to make staying possible?
• Im going to have to start looking for an apartment
• Im going to have to start saving so I can afford to move
• Over the summer I may have to find a part time job
• Everything is going to have to be put on hold once the summer is over because of moving and making sure I can afford everything

i guess thats a step in the right direction..but im not sure either..but i think i better get my mind on something else for a while because i can feel that im starting to get overwhelmed by all this again

just... i dont know

i want to shut down. i want to just stop thinking and worrying about everything right now. its overwhelming and stresses me out ..i am stressed and i dont know what to do at all. yvonne is leaving in september. which means ill have to figure out what im going to do..im getting slightly paranoid thinking that ill be forced or tricked into going back home..i dont want to go home..ill kill myself if i go home again..but staying here isnt going to work out either..well not staying in this apartment..and that means moving and moving is just overwhelming by its self and i always freak out and just have a hard time handling stuff when i have to deal with moving and packing and everything. i cant do it..its not even happening until sept and already i feel like my world has come crashing down..and im upset..very very upset and i keep pushing all those feelings away..yvonne spent all the time to convince me to come here and i do and then shes not even around..and now shes leaving..and i can understand the reasons behind it...but right now it feels like she just did everything for her benefit and i just went along with it..and now im stuck...and she told me the other night that we needed to figure out what to do about me ..and that makes me mad to because i can take care of myself and i dont need anyone doing anything for me..because ill do whatever i have to do in the end..but i dont need anyone feeling obligated to 'take care of me'. im not a child. i just cant think because upset feelings get in the way..and i get caught up thinking that ill have to go home..it feels like i just moved and now now i have to look at moving again..i have to figure out how its all going to work out..and i dont know how it is..staying in the apartment i have now is not going to work money wise..without a roommate.. and im not all that sure about living with someone i dont know...moving into a 1 bedroom would take a lot of planning and budgeting because up here most 1 bedrooms are almost $600..and im sure i could find some a little cheaper but well safety and all that becomes an issue and i dont want to live in a crappy apartment and not feel safe there if i have to pay for it..and that is just a lot of money..and im just feeling lostand alone and all out of sorts because i cant figure any of it out.. i told nia what was going on but not mommy..but she will have to know soon enough i guess..but i dont know how to tell her because i know she will ask if im moving home..and i dont have an answer for that yet..i dont want to get guilted into it..i dont want to go home..and no matter how much i keep saying it i still cant convince myself that it wont happen..i dont trust myself to stay calm and rational when talking to her..and so im stuck..i feel like i need to figure this all out now. i need to know what is going to happen and how im going to do things..and its to early to figure it out..and i cant let it go..im worrying and thinking about it all non stop because i need for it to work out..and i dont know if it will..
cut yesterday
and i plan on canceling t for next week..partly because im in training and im not sure about going in late..and that is bothering me..and partly because i dont want to talk to anyone..i dont even want to talk to yvonne right now..and i know it will lead to me just isolating big time this weekend..not that i had plans anyway but i just want to be alone and quiet..and i guess i want a little more time before i have to admit to cutting again..but i know i will be all over the place from missing a session..i dont think ive missed a week since i started with this linda..and theres a lot going on and so it may not be my best idea in the world..but for now i havent canceled it yet..so i dont know..no desire to go right now but that could change over the weekend.

crowded

saw t yesterday and im frustrated...i mean i wasnt feeling good and i know talking to her yesterday was just confusing because i couldnt manage to think and make sense of anything..and it was fine going but its starting to feel like im not doing anything in therapy..and that bothers me a lot..becuase i know its my fault..and that i can try harder to talk to her and talk about stuff..but i hardly ever do..and then half the time i forget what i even talked about..or i dont remember what ive said..and its frustrating..last night i was thinking about it and i dont know..its just very frustrating..

and i think im gonna have to cancel t for next week because im in training and i dont like that at all..but its to stressful trying to figure it all out..and i dont know what to do..i can be late for the training i guess but that wouldnt make a good impression at all..but i dont want to miss t either..its just bothering me a lot right now..and i cant figure out what to do about it at all..

actually had dinner with yvonne last night..and she apologized for being a bad roommate and friend..and she told me some that is going on with her..and well the possibility of her moving to where her grandmother is if her grandfather passes away..he has cancer and the chemo is really not going well..and so she is worried and its not looking good..and so in everything the chance of being here without her is on mind and worrying me...no im positive that whatever happened i would stay here ...in va..and just figure out what i wanted to do..school or work..i would not move back home...i cant do that..but i dont know...we are going to be moving though in sept/october...because the maintenance here is not good...my freaking ceiling is leaking and they wont fix our door...so yeah...going to start looking for a better place to live..

just so much going on in my head and imm not feeling good and so its all even more overwhelming and frustrating.. :

sick

allergies..and sinus issues are really getting to me the past few days...i spent the weekend at work and feeling so sick and out of it..i couldnt call out sick..and so i went in and had to force myself to focus..today im trying to relax since im off..but im still feeling really miserable..

struggling with med changes

today has been up and down..which im learning more about now as its kinda bed time...i feel like its bed time..and have felt that way for about an hour or so but struggling to just stay awake...its like im getting bouts of energy and then it kinda goes away and i feel so so tired..and then a bit later i feel more energized again..and its back and forth..its weird..and im guessing its just me getting used to the meds but its hard cas im expected to be awake and all that for work...but i managed to run errands and even got stuff put away before i had to lay down and take a break..and then i had to get up when oompaa came over..and i was alright..we got the yard started..and then went to dinner..but once dinner was done it was like a steady fizzing out..and i just didnt have the energy to do anything else..and so i came in..and have spent the time just laying down..trying to sleep and then trying to not sleep.. im really hoping all this will pass..i mean really am feeling more better than yesterday..but still some struggles...but going to go back to laying down now

not with it today

yep its going to be a busy week at work i think..and well it didnt help matters at all that we came to work and the power was out in all of the cottages! its frustrating because well we cant do anything at all..and well cant cook or do the online paperwork right now so we are kinda just stuck...and its soooo boring..i almost fell asleep on the couch waiting for it to get to 3 so we could go and get the girls from school! am still feelings pretty tired though..

well had t this morning and did talk some a bout the wanting to cut, and attention and need and all that..and i kept losing focus with her...shutting down kinda..and well she could tell and would get my attention again..but then she would start talking and asking questions again and it would happen all over again...and i tried to talk to her about it..but i couldnt really explain the 'going away' or what was happening..and it was upsetting and hard..and i was working to keep things under control and not completely lose it cas i refuse to do that..and losing control would be directly related to letting the anger really come out and thats something that i just can not deal with or let happen..i just cant but just having trouble with staying focused today...feeling a little off and on edge..but managing...im really hoping work will be fairly low stress today cas well we cant stay in the cottage..so yeah...and then saw the pdoc and i think im still a little upset with her for telling me that theres a chance she may transfer me to someone else..and well i of course turned it into she doesnt want to work with me anymore..and i wasnt ok with that at all..but then well i told t and t talked to her about it and so its ok now..but we will see..i may just refuse to see anyone else..but i know that change would not go over well at all..but with the meds no changes except increases the effexor which i wanted anyway...and she did mention that maybe i cshould consider spliting up the lexapro and take half in the morning and half at night to kinda help level out the fatique..but i dont know about that yet..cas im so used to taking it all at once in the morning and that im ok with..but i am more tired..and some of that may also be related to the fact that this weekend and this being the long week at work is draining my engery big time..and its just taking me some time to regroup and deal with it all...and i was reading online about the side effects of the effexor and im really thinking i need to get my eating in order and im gonna have to really work hard at staying a bit active..cas of course one of the side effects is weight gain..and i dont think it was a big issue before..but im most certainly not making it any better!...so just some things i need to keep an eye on and of course any other weird things that may happen cas of the dose going up...

but just trying to deal with the day and make it to thrusday.so that we can get a break from it all..just for a little while...i know this weekend will be weird a bit because my shift partner wont be here friday or saturday and so the other shift is trading in those days ..so ill be working with one that im not completely comfortable with..and one that im semi ok with those two days...so a little worried but i think it will be ok..i hope it will be ok but yeah guess thats all.

back to not ok

I need to write before I forget this. im struggling tonight with being safe and making good choices..I know I am..and im also feeling perfectly okay with making very bad choices tonight just for the outcome..I realized today that I wanted attention..on the drive back to va I started thinking that I really wanted attention and that I didn’t know how to get it..except if I did something bad..and then I would have loads of attention..I just wanted to be noticed..talked to I guess…just being at home lleaves me feeling very depressed and detached and alone..and being at home with mommy does not get my needs met at all..I don’t know what my needs are exactly but they just arent being met..I don’t feel needed or important at home and so its just hard being there..and I struggled last night to while at home..but I still havent cut…im waiting to cut..I want to..well kinda..I have a whole list of things that I can do to get some attention..and im assuming the attention is going to come from linda because she is the only person I would tell about it…but I want her to be mad at me..I want her to yell at me..I want a reason to just keep cutting..it wouldn’t be the same if she just wasn’t mad..I want her to be mad..I want her to react..I just want her to do something..and I don’t think I really know what it is..I keep thinking I want attention..but I don’t know how to ask for it..except to do something I shouldn’t do..and it bothers me that im okay with that…that I would cut just so that I would have to tell her..just so that she would be concerned and care and make sure I was ok.. L it confuses me because I don’t cut for the attention at all…I would hide the scars from everyone else..but I don’t know..I just want something and im not sure how to go about getting it..

I also realized that I don’t live at home anymore today…I know it took a while..6 months to be exact..but that’s what else I was thinking about kinda off and on this weekend..the fact that I don’t live at home..all my stuff is gone..I have to ask mommy if I need anything..I really truly don’t live there anymore..and that is scary too..

the scars
im trying towrite..I want to cut..or cry..both things that just bother me a lot..im struggling to keep myself together..but the sudden warm weather is really getting to me..and im having a hard hard time dealing with it..and the scars..I want to be normal and im not..ill never ever fit in..because ill always have to make sure im being careful..I always have to be careful…im sad..no im past just being sad..I don’t know what I am..im hurt and just cant focus..im not ashamed of myself..im ashamed of the scars..and that they will never go away…and ill never be able to do anything like anyone else..I don’t want the scars..I want them to go away..and they wont..and all the overwhelming feelings make me want to cut even more..wanting attention aside..I want the tears to stop..its not often that I cry about the scars or cutting or anything..but this week it has really been constantly on my mind..and I know I should just kinda let the feelings happen and all that but I cant..they scare me because they are so overwhelming..all the yelling and negative thoughts are to much to deal with…I don’t want to deal with any of it…

im home
im depressed
what else is new :(

really struggling to deal with the fact that the weather is warming up and i cant relax or be comfortable because of the scars...i hate it..i want to be like everyone else and go swimming and have fun and i cant..cas im always worried..its not fair..and im not happy right now at all..

have been home since friday but im hoping to be heading back to va in a couple hours..need to get away

worn out

well im struggling to focus and get stuff done to go home...obviously im not doing so hot if im still laying down messing with the computer..but i needed to check some things before i left and well then i had to write..and well here i am...again not doing a darn thing worth talking about...this has been a really really off week..

yesterday at work really did wear me out..i was asked to come in early and i did..and then i ended up having to do all the paper work from last night and ended up staying an extra hour and still didnt get it all finished and so i brought it home with me...i was literally about to fall asleep on the couch with all the paperwork on the floor..and the overnigiht staff finally told me to just go home and take the ones i hadnt finished with me..but that i would need to have them back by sunday..which i was like ok..cas it gives me a reason to come back on sunday at a reasonable hour..i do have to take them back though cas i dont want to be in trouble for taking them with me! but ill deal with it...and then earlier that day one of the girls pushed over the grill that we had usedd to cook on and the grass started burning! which was really scary..but we got it taken care of and put out and all that..but then the girl walked away and i had to follow her..and we ended up walking in the rain and i got soaked and that just kinda killed my mood...i wasnt mad at her..just mad at the situation..cas i had to walk around in wet clothes for like 4 hours! no i was not happy..and then there was a mix up with communication with the relief person i was working with last night..and one of the girls ended up walking outside at night..and when i found out about it..it was like darnit shes not supposed to be out there at night..and i had the relief person go and get her...but then she spent a couple minutes walking with one of the boys..and its was like holy crap im gonna be in so much trouble for this :unsure: and so im just worried about what is going to happen about that..i mean yes it was a mistake..and no i didnt do it..but im afraid ill be held responsible and lose my job ..and all that..its frustrating..but i called my supervisor last night and told her about it..so that it wasnt like i was trying to hide it or something...so i guess i did what i could and now i just have to wait and see..but its just worrying me a lot.. :snoopy

but trying to let it go i guess for now..if anything happens it wont be until monday when i go back to work..so yeah..

not really feeling good right now..i think its just a mix of everything..and then random cramps and allergies and everything just happens at once..i cant say im to interested in taking that 4 hour drive home..im really not..but im hoping ill be up and moving and out of the house by 1 at the latest..so that gives me a little time to run around and clean up some before leaving..cas things are a mess right now..and i havent packed or anything..im just tired and worn out..maybe getting away will be good..i dont know..


i see the pdoc next week though..i think im going to ask her if she can go up on the effexor and maybe the trazodone..but im not sure yet about the trazodone..i dont know why im back to not sleeping and being so tired..and its just been within the last week that its been happening again..so im not sure..but yeah..guess i better start moving or something..

hard night

have really really been wanting to write today..so many thoughts in the head today..the need for quiet and stillness is strong..and i guess its because there is so much chaos inside..not even the work chaos bothered me today..well there wasnt a lot of it but my mind was not in work...i kept going to sit outside because it was quiet..calm..still..i realized there is worry and anxiety and it all has to do with going home..now that we have decided to actually go the worry is setting in..and im scared..well not scared just anxious..im still afraid to go home..even now im still afraid..always afraid to go home..even for just a couple days..i feel small and so so alone..it gives me a headache..actually this week i cant seem to get rid of my headache..the sadness creeps in and takes over and i dont know what to do about it...my sister has pneumonia..and so i feel like i have to go home now even more to check on her and see her and make sure she is ok..there is not enough quiet...its bothering me that i cant have quiet..and that makes me think of stupid things to do to reach that level of oblivion..where nothing matters and everything is ok..it would be so easy to just say screw it and cut..but that cant happen..i dont want it to happen..but i just dont know..