big step...?

threw out all the razors and what not last night..the ones that were easily findable at least..im not sure if there are anymore hidden around the room at home but the bulk of them have been trashed now

did it last night and then felt really not ok but painted a picture instead of doing anything else..and made it through the night..feeling a bit better about it today.

maybe it was a good thing to do finally..

possible job interview

i got a call yesterday about it and called back and left a message..they want me to go in on tuesday and interview..and i dont know..im happy but not at the same time..if i do interview and get the job ill have to leave my cls i work with now adn that makes me feel so guilty..but i also have to realize that im just not making enough to live on right now..im not making enough to keep gas in my car or to even save up to move out and its getting harder and harder and the bills just keep coming...my job isnt very stable at all..my cls lose hours and have been losing hours since before the summer started..im getting more hours now but im also being stretched pretty far and working with 5 different cls throughout the week..i make 4 different pay rates all within one check..and yes i feel guilty about it but i know if i get the job ill have to say goodbye to my job now..because ive been working with them for almost 9 months and i havent even hit the $10000 for gross to date..cas i checked my check last night..thats not enough at all to do anything with...so guess im doing the right thing..i think..i hope..ill just have to figure out how to say goodbye to my cls when the time comes

nothing ever really works out

i knew it would come up again..all the dress issues with trying it on and not wanting too..cept mommy brought it up in a way to let me know that the next time i have a job interview i need to make sure all scars are covered up...obviously my first impression is not a good one at all..and the lady who did my dress did call mommy and asked if she knew about the scars..if it was a secret before it wouldnt have been anymore.. mommy is just worried that she will go and tell someone else...which doesnt really bother me cas my first thought was fine i dont know to many ppl anyway..but after that came great now mommy has something else to yell at me about and if it gets back to her then things just wont be good.. do i need to wear a sign that says ive screwed up? would that make it better? just not feeling ok about things right now..

shut down mode

at work but zoning out a bit and well that makes it a little hard to work..but once again my cl is entertaining his self coloring and we are at the library so i have my computer and decided to get online for a little bit..

therapy was today..like clockwork..and i really didnt want to go.but i had decidded i was fine, that i didnt need to go..that things were magically better because i had a few good hours yesterday..but as usual it never lasts for long and now im starting to go off into my own little world again, where i dont really want to think about anything at all but thoughts keep getting through and i pretend not to notice them but well its kinda hard to ignore them..for some reason i got around to telling my doc that i and all of my siblings are adopted..but in saying that i always had to let her know that well thats pretty much all i know and im not supposed to know it..but bringing it up brings up other thoughts to and those are some that i dont want to think about..i dont know is an answer i give an awfully lot with her..sometimes i really dont know..and sometimes the truth is a lot more scarier and i dont want to tell her just yet..eventually i guess ill get around to letting her know but its hard..yes i have thoughts about being adopted..lots of them ..but im not sure im ready to go and actually tell what they are..piece by confused piece everything seems to just start falling apart..how come i just cant be bad..how come there has to be a reason behind it..im horrible..thats about it...but then i go and s ee her and she tells me that maybe looking at it differently will help..i dont want to..i want things to stay the same..i dont want things to change..and now that that little tantrum is out of my system.. i guess i know that things do have to change at some point..now or later..which ever..after i try to kill myself or before..well thats the way i see it anyway..i dont understand why it has to be my choice though..ok i do but i want someone to tell me anyway..geez linda has told me like 5 times..and each time i hear it and dont hear it..at some point i stop listening because i dont like what im hearing..i should work on that..

but anyway..this week i actually have homework..that i actually have to do..umm how the your not good enough stuff from mommy has affected me..and so on and so forth..forgot the rest of it..but i told her i would think about it and actually write what i thought about..guess that means ill have to pay attention to my thoughts..

Happy Birthday to me

Happy Birthday To Me



wow..im 25..and suddenly i dont know what ive done with my life..ok ive never known what ive done with my life..but its just harder to think about it and process it all today/tonight..

my birthday has been ok..nothing thrilling..for the most part just another day..yvonne came though friday night and stayed through to today..which iam really happy for..but i just wish i could have been happier about stuff more..mostly we just hung out..we went to the beach twice..i actually got a little wet this morning..surprise surprise..and we went to the movies and saw igor..and she got me a mini sock monkey that has been named micki..we went out to dinner..and wandered around wilmington for the day..today she helped me make a cake..she decorated it..and so i went and took the piece right out of the middle..the pictures are funny..it was just ok..im glad the day is over with though...

..

starting to feel really scared and anxious about my birthday tomorrow. mostly did stuff today with yvonne becasue she came yesterday night to visit. hung out and did some things today and we are going to the beach early tomorrow morning for a little bit..but i did ok most of the day without being to foggy/drifty..but now starting to zone out and feel too many things..really worried and sad..worried about making it through tomorrow..sad that im not happier about it..its my birthday..i should feel happy right? i dont know..im happy yvonne came but had a hard morning and didnt want to really do anything..but ended up having fun..stayed present..but now as things are dying down my head is drifting again...im feeling a little stressed about it all..trying to remind myself to stay calm..that its ok..and im ok..dont know if its helping or not..but i guess ill head to bed..its been a long day and if i stay up ill just stress more about it all..

today is better

calmer today at least. it has been a really really hard week. starting talking in therapy and i mean it really was the barest of anything i could have said and it just freaked me out big time. ended up going back..and surprisingly left her feeling calmer..left and my head was quiet so that was something..not really zeroing in on anything we talked about but i did want to find that thing on cutting to give her..but now of course i dont remember where ive seen it at..rats..

now just gotta make it through my birthday

silence

i dont want to be around anyone right now. i wish i had never said anything at all to my therapist about anything that happened. and most of all i wish i hadnt promised to not cut..because in doing the contract thats how i see it..the guideline is once everytwo weeks..but if i did it then i would feel like i just failed and wouldnt want to start again..still thinking about it..have been thinking about it since yesterday after therapy..and had almost convinced myself that it would be ok to cut..becasue it would jjust stop all the thoughts..didnt think about my distractions, didnt really think about anything and most certainly didnt think about calling linda..i dont want her to talk me out of what i want..but if i did cut an d didnt call theguilt would be horrible..during therapy yesterday after talking for awhile..she told me to call if i needed to, yesterday today whenever, she told me she had extra time on friday if ineeded to come back..yes im incredbily screwed up and suicidal..and will most likely have to figure out money to go back on friday because with my birthday being sunday im not exactly sure how ok ill be..im not even sure i can make it through today..much less the rest of the week. i dont want to be here .. i dont like being stuck in my head. i dont like thinking about everything that inever ewant to think about..i regret what i started yesterday but now im not even sure it can be taken back..ive already said it..and it wasnt eeven a lot..just a little bit about being hit and it feels like the world will end..that ill be in so so much trouble..and i want to take it back i really do. but i did tell her that i would give it a couple hours before i started to fall apart..and thats why she told me to call back..and it would have been nice if it had really been a couple hours..it was more like a few minutes after leaving her and my head just went all over the pplace and i wasnt ok anymore..i had been thinking i didnt want to say anything because she wouldnt be able to handle it..but now i know that wasnt true..all along the underlying thing was whether or not i would be able to handle it ..and i cant..i cant deal with it..i am bad..and talking about it only makes it worse

hadnt considered..

maybe im trying to hard with it all and its stopping me from getting to the bottom of any of it..and until a friend brought it up i really hadnt considered it much..but maybe i am trying to hard to just be like everyone else i guess..to expect that it will all happen overnight and it will all be ok and ill just start talking about everything cas thats how its supposed to be..and thats just not how it is..thats not how i work..so maybe i have been going about it all the wrong way and pushing to hard to get better in a way and have everything fixed and ok because thats how i want it to be..patience..tolerance..acceptance..all things i really do not currently apply to myself..i want to rush and thats not doing anything but making things harder in some aspects. i dont go to work and expect my kids to master something overnight. that wouldnt be fair to them. that would be asking a heck of a lot. but i do it with myself. i expect myself to do everything, to manage everything, and thats not fair at all.
guess i have been pushing a bit hard lately..will have to work on slowing down i think. stepping back a little bit. i think that will make things a little bit easier to manage if i would just chill out a bit im told

ok anyway..umm chatted a little last night about the s/i and eating issues..and how in giving up one, replacements are trying to come back. like the s/i and purging go back and forth. cant do them both at the same time, its either one or the other. and without cutting its like yes b/p is back. and that just is not good. cant replace it with something else that will be hard to give up. no havent really addressed it but id rather it didnt get any worse. so i was thinking about eating and there is a lot of worrying about how it is scary trying to eat and for it to be healthy without resorting to ed behaviors. its so hard finding the line between whats ok and whats not ok when it comes to eating and not going overboard with it. its another foreign area, do something because its good for you not because it will turn into another way to restrict or binge because i can..and because its easy to get away with. somehow things just have to be put into perspective and that would also have to involve ignoring a lot of what the mom says about me. because yes weight is an issue but i have to deal with it not her. so it cant be about her or what she thinks and wants. i have to cut down on the snacking and junk food though, and have decided to start actually cooking again. decided to just work on eating healthier/organic without being vegetarian. suddenly feeling more concern for the earth and what not and all the green stuff coming out is pretty cool you know.



so lots to think about..and maybe i do already have something to talk to therapist about tomorrow. maybe she will be able to help me come up with some ideas about how to have more patience and slow down some things..worth a try i think

so here it is..

my life is depressing..and im not saying that in a way to ask for pity or anything..because i dont know i dont want pity..i know my life has quite a few sucky points but it has fun times too..times full of laughing and silliness and fun and safety..when things really feel like they are ok..like the world wont end right this minute and im ok. but those times never last, they always go away and im just stuck..and alone in a lot of ways..my silence traps me..cant ask for help..i cant ask to be noticed or wanted..i dont want it and i do want it..

nevermind...cant figure out the words again..

thinking

how do you do it..just talk and talk and not really be so scared and worried. i cant get past that at all..and the more i think about it and wonder the more confusing it does seem. because it looking at it i guess its easy to say im not being very helpful with therapy..and im avoiding or in so much denial it makes no sense..but im not sure thats the entire picture..it cant be..yes i avoid but it just kinda gets all weird after that ..and then i just dont know..and this is all confusing..its just hard because im just scared of all of it and worried about things changing and really having to look at it all..i dont want to do that..

i want to give up..i really do..to just stop caring..stop thinking..stop living..stop questioning it all..

hmmm

wondering why the saddness doesnt go away.

im ok but im sad
im calm but im sad
im empty but still so sad

i dont know

another day

work was wonderfully busy today for the most part..it was gross having to clean my cls room..like some really gross moments but as of now her room is all nice and neat and organized...it took all day..but its done..and my supervisor came and well supervised lol..and she sat and watched and talked to my cl and its like finally you see what i say when its like seriously we do chores all day long! but it was ok..another tiring day at work...

it took some time to get up and moving this morning..i almost didnt want to go to work..almost showed up later as usual cas i didnt want to get out of bed again..

feeling kinda fuzzy again today ..so not much to talk about..

disappointed..struggling

feeling really disappointed..sad..angry..i dont know..its just so hard..maybe i cant be helped..maybe its not worth it to keep trying if i cant do it..i hate this..i go every single week..and its like its not enough to break through...everything is forgotten as soon as i sit down and start to get nervous cas i dont know what to say..i dont know what im doing..i want to give up..screw it..i dont want to try any more..


but then i wonder how long it will take before suicide starts looking better and better...maybe therapy is all that keeps me from going and actually doing it i dont know..like there is some line that has been drawn dealing with the T and i wont cross it..doesnt matter how bad it is..it just cant be crossed..big fear in doing that..because somewhere in all the thoughts today i kinda realized that there is an ultimate goal..and it comes up every so often and then goes away again..but its just for the longest time..dying..somehow it always goes to that i guess..underneath everything the want of escaping is to much...i dont know

fighting the urge to cut..trying still at least..

wow

feeling really tired today..want to go to bed but trying to stay awake because its still so early! have been up since like 5 or so because of having to finish stuff for work and then work was really tiring today..i was at my wits end with my cl today..and i was so agitated when i left her house..but yea guess its all catching up with me now...trying to get all the paper work done that ineed to turn in tomorrow and i will have caught up! finally !! i vow to work harder at keeping up with paperwork! gosh it bites getting behind in it..cas theres always so much to write about...but besides that..i have felt ok today..just coasting along...

tomorrow will make one month with no cutting..it is a little shocking!! but i think the proudness is starting to set in just a little bit. it is a big deal..i think..i hope..

and i also realized today that well .. i dont see therapy as the end of the world anymore..still get queasy when i have to go..but overall its not so bad...

just wow right now

hmm

well now that im actually considering writing ..i dont know what i want to say anymore..

having a hard day..pretty much..mommy is back home now and so things are back to usual i guess..was looking for more jobs so i can put out more applications..need to move..but not going to get into that..

finally decided that im going to take a trip to myrtle beach but im going to do it the weekend after my birthday..and i told mommy that i was going to go with yvonne because well if i just said i was going alone it would be a big big biiiiiiiiiiiiiig deal..so ill just have to remember to let yvonne know not to mention that she wasnt there..just a couple days to myself ...and i would go to ashevillle but thats a 6 hour drive and im not sure i can afford gas for that...so myrtle beach it is..hopefully i get to go..and can manage to get the money together for the hotel and everything..

maybe after i get a new job and everything i can plan a trip somewhere..maybe colorado! ha could be fun ..maybe oregon to see erika..dont know..but a really nice trip somewhere none the less.

feeling gross

today has been one of those eat everything in sight type days..every time i turn around i want something else to snack on ugh..i know its cause im bored and nothing is keeping my attention..

but the storm has passed and the weather is good and its such an annoyance..slept through most of it last night..did something not so good inorder to sleep through it last night..its not that i take the wrong meds often or anything..but the anxiety was killer last night so i borrowed meds..that well obviously i cant go and put back..but its over and done with and im alright..

hurricanes..and what not

im waiting for hanna to hit...have been waiting since yesterday and the more i wait the more stressed and anxious i feel..the waiting is driving me insane...making me feel all paranoid... it seems like its just taking forever thoughts are starting to go all over the place and now we are at home alone until tomorrow night sometime and its not that i feel unsafe..its just the anxiety is becoming overwhelming..the anxiety makes me want to cut..so just trying to keep it together..no need to make mommy think i cant even be trusted home alone..not cool..

think im going to go and try to sleep..dont feel like writing anymore

withdrawl and other things

i promise to never ever ever say anything at all about a person going through withdrawl from anything...it feels like im going through withdrawl..it feels like i want to just claw at my skin because i want release..and cant have it..wont let myself have it..thoughts of cutting just invade my head ..i want to yell or scream or cry..something..anything..i want the calmness..the escape..the relief..had therapy today ...wasnt pleased because i did call her in the end yesterday..didnt cut..freaked big time but didnt cut.and she got back to me last night while i was still up and we talked...and so she kinda knew i wasnt ok when i saw her today..we talked about lots of different things and i zoned out during some of it..but we talked a bit about cutting and how im getting frustrated with all of it because it makes me uncomfortable to have to deal with all of it without my usual means of escape..and i think that and want to just throw a tantrum..i hate that its true..i hate that i cant seem to escape myself anymore..i hate that i b/p the other day and now my chest hurts when i breathe to deeply..but thats something else entirely..its just hard..everything now..but she did congratulate me on making it through yesterday..and i told her i was more mad at myself than pleased that i had made it without cutting..but then we talked about other stuff and i asked her a question that she told me she didnt want to answer..have to admit that i felt rather pleased that i made her feel just a bit uncomfortable..i didnt mean to but once i knew she didnt like the question..it evened the playing field in a way..yea theres stuff i dont want to talk about and makes me uncomfortable..but its the same for her too..well not the same stuff or anything..but still..i wasnt sorry i asked.. i was disappoiinted in her answer for some odd reason though..but i did freak/shut down at the end when i asked the dumbest question in the history of questions and then never gave another straight answer..yes i know what the rules for confidentiality are..yes they have been the same for forever..and yet i asked her anyway if everything i said was confidential when duh yea it is..but she asked why i wanted to know and didnt have an answer..so i gave a really lame one..and believe me it was really lame! but she let it go and retold me all the info i already knew...and she asked if i was thinking of teling her something..and she also asked questions relating to abuse and yea my head just emptied of making complete sentences at that moment..and i really wouldnt look at her at all..like worse than my usual not looking at her..freaked when i left though..but just wrote and texted..and emailed until i left ok enough again..and then i went to work...

and now im getting ready to go and get mommy and im feeling nervous ...scared...anxious..i wish her trip had been longer..i wish i hadnt been so suicidal while she was gone and could have enjoyed it more..

not feeling very ok

i have to focus if im going to write but im not sure i even want to know what im thinking right now..i woke up wanting to die..which is a problem all by its self because its prolly not a good idea to wake up wanting to die..ok so my only thought before that was wondering where in the world dusti was hiding..but i wondered if i was dead..and then logic set in and its like well your still breathing so you arent dead..well to bad for me cas i wanted to be dead..just dont know why..just one of my lovely thoughts i try not to think about except now i cant freaking get away from them..the entire time mommy has been gone its been like seriously depressing and i dont know why..no i wasnt going to throw a party or anything but i thought it would be better..i thought i would ffeel better..and not feel so stupid or lost or confused..or angryy..thats a big one..theres no where for the anger to go..and i cant take it out of myself..and im really really regretting that i said i wanted to stop...or lessen or whatever when it comes to cutting..i really am..and the more i think about it the more angrier i get..and its like ok who gets to deal with it...and im obviously not because i dont know how and im still trying to avoid it...and then i think ok fine im mad at linda for making me agree to it..but its not even like she made me agree..my stupid idea..im really gonna have to stop thinking up ways to help myself..good grief it sucks big time..i hate it.. i really do..and then i have to wonder what in the heck it is im hating..because funny i havent cut..i figure my last and i do mean last effort is to call linda and i dont want to do that just yet..so i havent cut because i dont really want to talk about why i did it..but i want it so much...i need it..i miss it..i want it..thinking about it reall makes me want to cry.. and it shouldnt..it shouldnt be this hard..i shouldnt want it back and i do..i swear to stop again..i promise..i wonder if it would make a difference if i swear to be good...dont know when i was bad but ...

i dont know whats wrong with me today..or yesterday or the day before that either..everything suddenly got a lot harder..i want to cut but i dont want linda to be disappointed in me..i would be disappointed in me..not mad just disappointed..guess i need to know that they are different..

dont want to write anymore
nevermind all of it