in therapy yesterday...we talked quite a bit about cutting and addictions (yes i actually started talking first..big shock i know)..and i asked why she hadnt asked to see the scars..because trust is a big deal and i often wonder if ppl look at me and consider me a liar about things you know..i dont look like i would do something like cutting and i always think ppl consider me too nice..too quiet to ever do such a thing as scar my body and on purpose..they wouldnt know how to take it..but anyway..she asked if i would have shown her if she had asked..and of course i said no...and that was the end of it for the most part..but then i thought about it a bit more later on in the middle of work no less and it was like suddenly i wanted her to see them.some of them anyway..i wanted her to make it real..make it so that i couldnt ignore them or pretend they werent there...i cant accept that i do it ..i cant expect anyone else to accept it..but with the T at least she can see and acknowledge them in ways i cant right now..at least there would be someone to hold me accountable in some way..because i cant seem to get that anywhere else in my life...

day by day

so im clamer once again..still really annoyed with everything..wondering about a lot of different things..a lot of them having to do with eating or not eating..im great with counting cals when i want too..and when i want to put forth the effort into it..given it does border a bit on being very questionable..but its like technically im not doing anything wrong and if im still eating its not a big deal..so ill just have to see what i do becuase i dont really know..and im not to sure im big on caring right now..pulled out my older food journal..and its a pretty interesting read if nothing else..so i dont know..not really making much sense i guess..

but back towork ...another busy day..another busy week..millions of things to do and get done..and as usual im behind in my paperwork..stupid and i do so know better and i just cant seem to get myself to do it before its due..but ok guess im done

excerpt from my other blog

"its like being asked to wake up the part of myself that i never wanted to see again..the part of myself that lives to please without question..to do and do and do until there is nothing left..to be exactly who is it im expected to be regardless of the consequences..she comes and goes every so often but never for long because i obviously kid myself into thinking that im ok and i dont need to starve or purge..stupid stupid me for believing that..because in this world no one gives a bloody care how you reach your goal as long as you get it..the world be damned if it kills you in the process..its like just watching a part of you die to please everyone else..and there is nothing else..only your goal..only getting there..and then..then i guess the world will see and you cant be ignored anymore.. what then?"

might as well give up now and save myself the trouble..

...

if i ever had to make a speech about something concerning mommy it would go kinda like this

thank you mommy because without you i might have actually thought i was worth something


life is grand
shoot me now



soo i finally got around to mentioning kinda maybe sorta that i was eating meat again to mommy..and she decided today that i needed to be reminded of what i could and couldnt have food wise..how does that work exactly? what other guilt ridden things will i come up with doing...

and dusti doing what she likes most

disneyworld..cute pics

hmm

started writing again...

Have You ?

Have You?

have you ever just suddenly wanted something so so badly that you would do anything and everything to have it?

have you ever just wanted to be like everyone else? to be seen as being like everyone else?

have you ever just wanted to not be there, to run so very far away that everyone forgets your existence?

have you ever wondered why it is you are unable to know who you are? what you want? what you need?

have you ever wondered what was the precise moment your voice was taken? the moment you became the spot on the wall? unnoticed? unheard?

have you ever just wondered why it is you had to turn out this way? why you have to be so different? so alone?

have you ever just wondered why?

not getting any better

i really do feel stupid for always seeming like i need help to cope with anything..i dont need help..i dont want it..but i write this anyway because i have nothing else to do that wouldnt hurt in some way..i dont know how to just let feelings be feelings..i cant handle having them or feeling them or dealing with them..i just want them to go away and they dont..they stay and bother me and pick at me until all i do is think about everything i dont want to think about..everything i would rather ignore and then i end up doing someething like cutting or something..and i want to be a good person and say i want to stop all that stuff ..but that would be just a flat out lie on so many levels..i hate admitting i like it to a certain point..it gives me what a iwant..instant relief from everything..anything..i can make things go away and i know when it has..is that weird..knowing the exact momment when you find the cut that is what you needed..its not the first one though..never is a few after that maybe..and it always makes me upset when i cant get the one i want..when the relief doesnt come..and yea guess i sound really crazy..and i didnt even want to really write about cutting anyway..because i was going to be a pain and ask my doc if scratching counted as counting and if i was supposed to be using my list of distractions to stop that..but that was kinda instant yesterday..hmm unexpected and had i been able to get ahold of something sharper i would have cut..but i couldnt so i scratched and it didnt really help but it calmed me enough for me to go to work and focus and not be all jittery..

ok but back to what i was going to write about...

i have finally decided that i am getting depressed again..the step beyond just being sad about everything..its more than that..i amuse myself with thinking of suicide..not doing it or ways or anything but just suicide in general..i dont want to be at home..i dont want to be at work..i dont want to be around anyone atall really..mommys car isnt working this week and i so hope tis fixed soon because having her home all the time is making me anxious..i never know when she will decide i need to be yelled at for something and the waiting is just as bad as the actual yelling..i dont like having to change my schedule to accomadate her and my sister to take them to work and places..its like it doesnt matter that i have to work or do other stuff..its only important that i do her stuff and her errands..thats all..and i cant say no..its one of those i know better than to refuse weeks..and constantly being quizzed on everything is putting me on edge..if i get a text when tell me please why i have to tell her who its from and what it s about? why does it matter..its not hers? but she asks and asks and asks until i tell her..if im online and she is in the room she wants to know what im doing or who im talking too..its not fair its stupid..im stupid..everything is stuck in my head and i cant get it out..i dont know what im doing..i feel like crying but i cant..and yesterday night i found out for sure that my cl i work with in the evenings will be moving..i have maybe 3 weeks left with him..and ive worked with him since feb..every week m - f for the most part..i dont want him to leave..i dont know how to say goodbye..ill never see him again or his family..im happy his dad found someone and they get to move to be with her and that she does well wworking with and handling my cl but its making me so so sad..its not like i can tell the dad that i dont want them to move.that they have to stay because i want them too..thats not fair at all and i would never ever say it but that doesnt stop me from thinking it.. i dont know what im supposed to do..yea ill most likely get someone new but i dont want anyone new .i want my same cls from now until whenever..i dont want them to leave or move or out grow the program for the younger kids..i dont like changes

blah week

having a really hard week..so much is on my mind and i cant get rid of any of it ..and the more i try to work it all out the more lost it seems i am..and then mommys car isnt working and so i get to add taking her places into my schedule..it helps that henry is home but he also gets to do what he likes and has other plans and his schedule cant be messed with like mine..and im freaking working! and he is playing around visiting friends...yea thats really really fair..and so im trying to keep my temper in check but i dont like having to wake up and take everyone where they need to go at 7 in the morning and then have to work until almost 9 at night .and being unable to go back home or do anything else because it would just waste gas and gas is to expensive and uh..nope really in a good mood this week..falling behind on everything because im so tired when i get home that all i want to do is go to bed just to wake up and have to do it all over again the next day..no not thrilled at all

..sigh

ive pretended so so much that everything is ok and nothing is wrong that i dont know whats true and whats not anymore..i dont know whats real..im so used to just pushing everything away and now im being asked all these questions and stuff and i dont know what i want to believe or what i should believe..i want to go back to where everything was just there and i could ignore it and make it all go away..and i cant now and its all scary and makes me want to question everything and its so hard..

so so confused

really off day...

therapy today..therapy that left me wondering about a heck of a lot of stuff..we talked about quite a few different things but i hit shutdown/distraction mode when she started talking and asking me about you know how my past has changed me or influenced me or if i thought it had..and everything in me just yelled aand screamed for me to say yes and get it over with..i thought yes..i wanted to tell her that i thought it had effected me and i just couldnt..i couldnt actually agree and say yes..there is something very very bad about doing that..i cant do that..its wrong its bad..on some level its placing blame somewhere..its admitting that something is wrong..something was wrong..things would just change if i said yes..doesnt matter if i think it or not..because saying it is different..saying it would make it all true and i dont want that..im sure she could guess that i would say yes but i dont think she can go anywhere with it until i actually voice that yes..and i dont know if i can..i dont know what will happen..i dont know what will change but i just think or know or completely believe that something will have to change if i said that..and that is a big time scary thing.i dont know if i can do that :(

and i went today and her office was changed around and it really unsettled me..i dont know what it was about how it looked today but i wasnt ok with it at all..something about it really truly bothered me and i told her so..and when i needed to buy time to think of answers for questions i brought up random issues with her office and what not lol..and she called me on some of it but still she answered my questions all the same..and then made me go back and answer the other questions anyway..but i dont know why it was so hard today in her office..i really really i dont know..it was weird

and we talked about eye contact and it was just one of those questions that i wasnt expecting at all..and until she mentioned it i really hadnt realized i didnt have a problem with eye contact when im with kids..but with adults and stuff it is a big big promblem and i dont know why..i dont know whats behind it..like yea it makes me uncomfortable and i dont like it which ive already told her anyway but its like theres a part of it that im missing and i cant figure it out..i dont know what im looking for but i dont know what it is..and its probably the most obvious thing ever and i just dont see it..its annoying the crap out of me and making me really anxious because i want to know and i should know and i dont..i cant figure it out at all..

might as well get this out now

made it home safely..was delayed for most of the morning because of really bad weather and the ride was still bumpy as heck coming out of fla..but the trip was awesome..it was like one of those rare tripes where i can do what i want and have fnu and not have to worry about you know someone being mad at me or telling me i cant do something or have something..i was ok for most of the trip..some down times mood wise but thsoe where mostly when i was by myself or something..and other times i was just to busy to really be able to focus on anything but walking ..gosh im so so sooooooooooooooooooo tired and out of energy right now still lol..have been up since like 6 this morning though and i swear my alarm when off and i almost wanted to cry i didnt want to get up..but i did and gott up and dressed and all that fun stuff..and the trip its self was cool..i think we rode just about every ride we wanted too..some more than once and a couple like 3 times lol..riley did awesome and didnt get sick on any of them..and i saw the fireworks and the parade of lights and the parade of dreams and had breakfast with mickey and friends and it was just so very cool...i had the youngest one telling me i was her substitute mom for when her mom wasnt around and all of the kids where either passing off on holding my hand while walking or waiting in line..or harris was notorious for sitting on my lap whenever i was sitting down and asking to be picked up but that was a definite no cas it was hot and i was dead tired when he was lol..i kept telling him it wasnt gonna happen..and it was like a vacation in a way..cas there moms were to tired at the end of the day to do anything but go be bed we stayed out so late! and did so much..and i made them go to the lion king show and it rocked! and i am really really so happy i got to go..im happy they let me go and paid for me to go..we had fun. and with the delay this morning we went shoping and stuff and riley got me some of the fuzzy posters im starting to do often and he surprised me with them and it really was so sweet

and then i came home and suddenly i wasnt to happy anymore..it was like i instantly strted dreading being home as soon as i realized the trip really was over and we were heading back to dees house..i wanted to cry..i was disappointed..i wanted to go back to fla..i almost meant it when i told them they could leave me in fla..but it was when i was actually back in wilmington that all the old worried set back in..i wasnt gone anymore..it was back to work..back to responsibilites..back to everything i dont want to think about anymore..couldnt ignore it anymore.and it came back with a venegence :( it makes me feel so so guilty becuase i should want to be at home..i should want to come back and now i can still be ok..and its not like that..and it sucks..geez i dont think ive ever really wanted to come home..not as a kid or a teenager or as an adult..it has always been something to be afraid of..something to seriously fear and hate and know that it cant be avoided for too long..and like every other time..i come back and its like defenses are back in place and there is no longer any peace or quiet ..

and now mommys car isnt working and already im just waiting to have more things thrown at me for what i need to do or help with..and im trying hard not to seem rude or anything but its so hard..like instantly things go back to the way they were and its like i have to do all this extra stuff and i cant get a break at all..and its hard when i dont want to do something and cant say that..because it is different when mommys car actually isnt working at all .. i hope i can handle it..all the extra stress

but guess thats about all for updates lol..think i covered everything possible

score

well first it rocks that there is a computer and internet in my hotel room!!!! that almost is as good as riding on a jet lol..so ill get to stay a little connected at least to my email and things and that does make me feel so much better..and this will be the only time ever this will prolly happen and im enjoying it so so much..its like holy cow it will take me forever to get money to come and stay at the disney contempary resort again..but to start from the beginning..we flew to fla in a jet..a private jet no less..no lines..no security..no anything..the jet was a bit on the small side but it holds 7 ppl and the pilot..the take off was awesome and i was facing the wrong way in the plane and it felt so very very weird not being able to see where i was going correctly...but read for a little bit ...played phase 10 a bit with like 4 kids lol..and it was only about an hour and 45 mins and we landed at a airport pla ce that was once again just private and everything and it was really nice and was like a big hotel room ..and so cool being suddenly i dont know slightly rich without doing anything at all..but anyway we are in the hotel that has the monorail going through it..we went to downtown disney tonight and had dinner and just walked around..went to the lego store and just wondered around a bit...and i have a room to myself! which kinda is ..hmm ok its the coolest thingever..ive never had a room entirely to myself..i can do whatever i want..not that i have anythign to do and im tired enouguh that i do only want to go to bed lol..but still its really really cool and now ill stop saying that

always a but

you look nice but
you did a good job but
you lost weight but

but but but but ..theres always a but..its never just good enough as it is..i suck

off to disney world

we leave tomorrow afternoon for disney world.. and i have to admit im getting a little excited..helps that im not paying for it but still excited all the same..packed tonight and will have to do cleaning and stuff in the morning..not up for it tonight..

maybe the trip will help me clear my head..i hope so..given it is a sort of a break..all ive been trying to do lately is find a way to get away..so maybe this will have to be the break i need/want..and then ill worry about next week when it gets here..or try too

oh well..not much to write about right now!

and now for the second part

this one i will have to work on a little at a time..my thoughts have slowed at least and now all the little pieces i missed in the last post are coming up in a way..

my life is a bit of a joke in some ways..i wake up, live in some sort of way, work, watch mindless tv, and go to bed to do it all over again the next day and the next day and the next..my life is ruled by whether or not i have the approval of mommy..that dictates my day..that dictates what i can or cant expect to happen..

i get afraid of changes..making changes..and then start to resist everything..good or bad..i dont know what to trust most of the time..i get so sad and dont know the reasons behind it..im unable to talk myself happy..i cant listen to myself..i can go away if i so choose when ever i want too..sometimes it feels like there so much inside of me that ill just explode if it doesnt come out some way..maybe thats why i cut and do all that stuff..

actually..hmm not feeling ok enough to finish this for now..will have to come back to it..
sorry

rant..

ok so therapy wakes up my head in the worst of ways..right up until its time for me to go aback and then i cant think of anything to say! god but as soon as im out of her office then its like jabber city in my head and im thinking of a million different things..and its such a pain in the butt..

but today well we talked about a lot of stuff but i realized after i left thats it not therapy in particular that i dont like..i dont like that im a social worker and can be trusted to go out and freaking help someone else and be supportive and caring and understanding and all that good stuff and its like when it comes to myself its like none of that matters any more..i cant analyze myself..i cant do anything for myself in that aspect and i hate that i have to go and have someone else help me when i should be able to do it by myself and not need someone else to point stuff out to me because i cant freaking see whats happening right in front of me..geez ive already done all this self reflection and self awareness..i suffered and hated having to do all of that but i did it and then never looked at it again ..but my teachers knew i had a hard time doing it and that it killed me to get it done and be as honest as possible and sane while writing it and trying so hard not to give any thing away..and its so frustrating..it shouldnt be like this..i should be able to do this by myself and i freaking cant..im a failure

geez how has my past effected me..i cant trust my own opinion..i always expect someone else to come along and do it better or tell me i did it wrong or yell at me about something..i cant stand to be asked what i want to do because i wonder why anyone would care what it is i think or want..i dont expect to be listened too..i dont expect to be noticed or wanted or cared for..i hate cleaning..i wait till the last minute to get things done..i feel guilty for wanting to do anything that doesnt involve anyone else..i dont like being called selfish or lazy..i don't consider myself to be good enough for anything...im not good enough..because im told im not good enough..i cant not go home ..even if i know ill be miserable and suicidal there.. i have to go because im expected to go..because thats what im supposed to do..i follow the rules to a fault and most of the time i dont even know what the rules are..i just know its something i have to do..or something im not supposed to do because it will cause trouble..or ill be in trouble..i cant speak up for myself because being noticed is just not a good thing..i cant have anyone walking behind me and not being able to see them..which made school a pain in the butt some days..i cant be touched by someone i don't know..even if its just on my arm or something..it took a couple of my teachers my entire time in the program before i would let them give me a hug when i went to see them..didn't really matter if i wanted one or not because i couldn't be touched and didn't like it at all..but somewhere in all of there asking i realized they were ok and wouldn't hurt me..took my old therapist all 5 years or so that i saw her.. i cant say whats on my mind..never the first thing anyway.. i have to think everything through from every possible angle..so i know what to expect..i have to watch more than talk because talking just leads to trouble..if im not noticed then thats still a good thing..my self worth/value depends on what others think of me and not the other way around..i have a hard time accepting compliments because i wonder who is lying to me and who isn't..i cant handle conflict..i cut, i burn, i starve, i b/p, geez i wonder if i would be blamed for killing myself if i 'accidentally' crashed my car into something..i cant kill myself because i wonder whether or not ill be able to go through with it and have it work..cas if it doesn't work and im saved then there will be hell to pay for trying..sometimes i want to run away from my life because i hate it so much...my thoughts race and i can give my a panic attack if i stress about some things way way to much, i hate being in a room thats completely dark sometimes..i don't remember anything..theres a part of me that refuses to grow and still seeks approval with a vengeance..i hate being told what to do..or what i should do from other ppl ( cause i do it all the time to myself) ..im ashamed of myself for my scars..im ashamed of who i am..i hate myself because i have too..because on some level thats what i think im told to do..if your told to always change then well theres something wrong with you that cant be fixed..so no im not good enough..i have to be everyone else..i have to keep everyone else happy..

blah..just lots of stuff..i dont know..so funny how i couldnt get my head together enough to tell her any of this..maybe ill just save myself the trouble and just take this next time..havent decided yet..kinda anxious about it all now..like that eventually someone will find out the whole story and (if anyone does then i would really like to be clued in on what has gone on with my life! PLEASE) then i just dont know..really dont

so what

god why do ppl always have to concern themselves with what i do or dont do..or what i eat ..or what i wear ..or how i look..what ever happened to me being old enough to do what i wanted to do without anyone else being able to say something about it? its not fair at all..my choice to call in sick today..my choice because its my job..my hours im not getting paid for..god i thought and worried about it all morning before finally deciding to call in the first place..because yvonne was here because tomorrow i have to be at riley and harris's house..becuase i have to do paperwork..because there were fraking things i needed to do and didnt have the time if i had to work today..ive gone to work sick ..i dont just miss days every week for the hell of it! god i have more sense than that..and i wouldnt just miss days because i dont want to go to work..that would be stupid.. that would end up with me losing my job .. so why would i do that? but why must everyone make comments about why im not at work? what concern is it of anyone else..im not asking for money to pay anything..ive worked my butt off these past couple months to make sure i would be able to pay bills and if i couldnt then i did when i had the extra money..geez i felt guilty wnough doing it in the first place..worrying about if they were going to be mad at me..or something..and i talked it over with yvonne and she didnt add pressure or anything at all..i told her i couldnt decide and she made me figure out what i had to do..and we spent the morning together..she came yesterday and spent the night since i couldnt go up there to see her..and we did dinner and watched movies at home and i got her a bday present of sorts..and we went out this morning and did some stuff and now im home again and she has headed back to school and im getting ready to do paperwork..no im not wasting the day in bed or anything..its so stupid..

and im probably over reacting in the first place..wasnt in the best of moods anyway from shopping for clothes this morning...everything is sleeveless or cut to low and i cant wear them..i could scream im so upset and annoyed over it..i mean its like a glaring sign pointed at me saying ive =been stupid and pretty much destroyed my body and it cant be fixed..and it is all my fault..and so i shouldnt be disappointed or hurt or anything but that doesnt stop it...went a few places and looked around and it was depressing on so many levels because i can only shop for certain things..and i have also been really really stupid and gained weight in the past year and that makes it harder to find clothes too..and it was all just to much today..and it just all turned into a big i hate you day..god if i could jump out of my skin i would just to get away from myself for a while..

a little worried

just because i was bored and didnt want to clean up i checked my blood pressure with riley and harris's dads thing..and it was highish..i really for the life of me cant remember the last time i went to the doctor and im not going now either..but i am worried a bit..my eating goes up and down so much ..not the healthiest either..i dont know i guess it would be stupid to say i dont want to be healthier..the question is i guess do i want to put the effort into it..i mean yea i want to do but i dont want to have to have a heart attack to do it. so i dont know..i dont want to have to take meds for it again..already done that once and stopped without a docs approval anyway..prolly not the brightest idea ive ever had either...hmm lots to think about though