is it making excuses..

is it making excuses for not applying for grad school if i say i dont want to rush and try for fall semester...regardless of the reasons i have which i really did think were reeasonable and i have looked at the school website and the applications and all the stuff involved and decided i didnt want to do it now..but it is wrong for me not to try or put some effort into it? i dont know

...

you know what...if i get sick or something i hope i dont die because all anyone seems to worry about is that i have no insurance..i havent had insurance for like 3 years..whats the big deal now?! i dont get it..and now im being told to look for a better job and to apply for grad school and all this stuff and its like ok can i do training at this place and see if i even like it first before i have to go and plan the rest of my future?! i dont know what i want to do..i dont know where i want to go to school or anything..and i do want to go back to school i jut dont know when or how or anything and its just hard trying to juggle everything at the same time and figuring out what im supposed to be doing to make everyone else happy..because my being happy just isnt that important..

you ever get the feeling that you just arent wanted around.

sigh

feeling a lot of stuff right now..no idea what im supposed to be feeling..but mommy is not feeling well again and i feel guilty and selfish for not showing more concern..but i try and then she just start telling me all this stuff i need to do and i dont want to be near her anymore and i just have a hard time controlling my temper..what little one i have..and it sucks..and im just tired of getting so defensive when i know im supposed to be patient and give chances and all this stuff that just doesnt happen when im around mommy..and im feeling sad today..woke up yelling awfully in my head..kinda almost as bad as it was getting before..and it kinda threw me for a loop becuase i wasnt expecting it at all to be like that ... cut this morning..well a little while ago..considered burning ..considered all of it again and it just i dont know..it was calming..in ways i hate to admit and then its like if im caught ill be dead..ill be so far beyond dead i dont know what to do if mommy happens to find out and go threw with her threats of a hospital if i did it again..ill just forget that i never stopped in the first place..feeling off today..really really off and upset..

nothing to interesting

trying to waste time before going downstairs but im hungry and so guess ill have to go eventually..its been a buzy weekend and im tired..feeling really worn out..funny cas i spent the week being bored out of my mind and then the weekend hits and its back and forth for babysitting..not that i mind because i do love going over to there house and i have to admit i fixed a killer dinner for them last night lol..couldnt even eat part of it but the mac and cheese was really good..finally gave in and ate some..and then we went to the grocery store in the middle of the niight for candle and sprinkles and prtty much all things junk food and went back and made rice krispie goo :) which is what we ended up calling it lol..and it did look like spiderwebs as i let them play in and decorate them ..i told them the next time we made some i would dye it a different color and then they could decorate and play in it..i was going to let them play in the food coloring last night but there were no gloves and there hands would have been covered in food coloring we couldnt get off! i dont think there mom would have been to thrilled with that part of it but then she was quite pleased that we had made them..and it was a lot of fun..and then the oldest one ended up watching titanic with me ..well the last part of it and i told him im never ever watching a serious movie with him again lol..we get to the part where jack dies and there doing the cheesy ill never let go part..and of course she does let go and the first thing he says is .. 'she let go! she said she would never let go and she let go' im laughing at him and telling him thats not the point but it was really funny..i think my ugh reactions are off a bit lately..we were playing online on the howrse site and i was checking his and we sign in and his horse has died..now in any other circumstance i wouldnt have found it funny at all..but we laughed about it all night..and it was a semi serious thing..like his horse had died and even thinking back on it now its still really funny...ah we are a pair lol..and then i was laughing at him about his birthday gifts he is asking for..he wants an itouch..and i had never heard of those and so i asked him what it was and he tells me its an iphone without the phone..ok that just makes no sense to me at all and ive been laughing at him all weekend for that ..and he keeps bringing it up because he knows i find it funny ...its been weird..but still enjoyable ..actually well anytime not spent at home is enjoyable..and i feel bad for saying that

never good enough

i thought getting a job was what i was supposed to do? i thought it was good to you know send out resumes and get interviews and find a job..i thought that was the important thing...and i was so happy and pleased yesterday because i had managed to have and go to an interview and not drop dead because i was so nervous and i went and talked and felt ok and even comfortable there talking with the lady who was doing my interview..and i was ok when i left and so excited when i got home..and then mommy comes home and just asks a few questions and then how much im going to be making and its like ok fine i knew it was coming but still it just kinda sucked being asked anyway..because she doesnt care that i have a job all thats important is how much i make as usual..and then she starts asking if im going to be putting in more applicatins and still looking for another job! i thought the whole point of saying i found a job was so that i could stop looking..no i dont plan on staying there forever and no i dont really mind that there are no benefits included..and yes ill be working come feb..but no i hadnt freakin planned on putting in any more appliactions..see i have this loyalty part of myself that i kinda like to keep in my head and if i get a job im not going to just up and quit before i even start because something with benefits comes along..and i wanted this job because it wasnt in an office and i wasnt going to be stuck behind a desk and i still get to work with kids..and everything i want for now in a job! and then in my free time i can look into grad schools or moving or whatever it is i want to do after this because i cant stay here longer than a year..i dont want to and i have no intention of doing it..so by this time next year ill be doing something else and ill have saved up enough to get a new car and pick some random place to live if im not in school or something..but i dont really know ..but why ruin my good mood to question whether or not im going to keep looking..its my choice right ? even if its just for a few months a job is a job and bills dont happen to stop just because i dont have a job..and now i wonder if it was the right choice i guess..all it takes in one person to doubt it and then tell me about it and its like maybe i did the wrong thing..maybe i shouldnt have agreed to do the training..maybe maybe maybe ugh..its not fair! i wanted to be happy about it and i was and now its like i dont care..no acomplishment or anything..like i did everything for nothing..and it doesnt matter..
and to make it all better mommy called me a pig last night..i wasnt even doing anything..i just happened to be standing in the kitchen talking to her about something else and she just asked if i wnted dinner and i couldnt decide but was going to say no anyway and she just turns around and tells me not to be a pig..well gee that was score one ofr self confidence there..and suddenly my glaring lack of pain lately comes back full force..and i wonder when was the last time i really did anything at all that hurted big time..its like well you could care less about how i felt anyway so why not just go ahead and make sure i can do make it hurt more..and i can..its just a matter of whether i really want to do it..and i do..i was trying and i was putting effort into being at home and staying ok..but now i could really care less..im here and ill stay here because i have no where else to go but its like ill just go back to doing what i was to stay calm and well here in a matter of speaking..i want to say its not fair but it makes no difference either way does it? no it doesnt matter at all..so much for trying..im still nothing

just shoot me plz

i got a job!!!!

and im back..and i can say i got the job i dont start until feb but i got the job ..the next training starts at the beginning of feb and then ill be paired up with ppl to work wwith!!! and since its a homecare thing my hours arent set in stone lol..but the lady who interviewed me was really nice and once she started i stopped being nervous! and it helped that i was kidna doing the same thing at my old job...but im feeling much much calmer now



and now i just have to find some way to make extra money for the next three weeks lol

oh my gosh

'im not really me unless im pretending to be someone else'

well of all the places to go and visit on line this morning.i ended up at healthboards..its been two years since i was last there!!! god it seems like forever ago..and going back it still annoys me how they named the si board..not that its a big deal or anything..but still i ended up looking around a little bit and it makes me sad that all the old ppl have kinda drifted away..we all just kinda stopped going and now the board is overrun with new ppl..and i guess thats not entirely fair since i havent thought about the board in forever but i just liked it more before when i knew the ppl better and we were our own little group..i miss them..and only sometimes talk to one of the girls from my time on the board..i hate how we have all lost touch with each other .. but i posted anyway asking about the old ppl so maybe some are still hanging around..

interview

feeling really nervous and anxious but at the same time im not..i think i got so bored being stuck at home that a job interview is a huge step in the right direction..i think and i hope so anyway..finished the application finally this morning..i was stuck on listing the job duties from my other job and i feel like i left some out but i got the main ones..and i didnt realize how nerve wrecking that could be..when im just listing what i did .and as i couldnt sleep this morning i was thinking about strengths and weaknesses..because i just know they will ask and that question always stops me dead...i freeze up and cant think of anythiing at all to say..i think ive been told to always have at least 2 or 3 for each incase it comes up..well i dont think saying im a spazz counts as a weakness at all!! so im still thinking about those.easier coming up with strengths even if i may not completely believe them..but for now thats not the point..i want this job and so im going to do everything possible to get it and relax and be myself (whoever that may be lol) mommy im guessing will call later to wish me luck but i guess she forgot this morning..

its official

im am so far beyond broke right now i have no idea what to do about it ... feeling so nervous about the interview tomorrow..ive become stand in cook and maid at home..fun and i dont know why i was expecting otherwise...and if nothing comes of the interview tomorrow then its back to filling out applications all next week..i hate this i really do..i dont handle to much free time well at all..went out today just to get out of the house and run a few errands and mommy calls looking for me because no one picked up the phone at home..not my problem if wayne doesnt want to talk to her and yet she keeps questioning me about him like i care one way or another what he does..i dont not in the slightest..but i find it funy she implies im fully capable of finding a job with no help but my 26 yr old brother needs everyone looking for him..makes no sense to me..

hmm

kinda miserable how fast the depression thing can creep up on me..kinda annoying..but just been kinda down the past couple days and i dont really know why..kinda feeling left out and invisible at home..and spending my time alone in a house full of ppl..how does that work?! worried and stressing about finding a job because there are a million things to be paid and it all keeps piling up because well gee i cant pay anything ugh...just barely managed to make enough to cover my insurance with last weekends babysitting..and thats with spending almost nothing for anything else..and then all these other things just keep coming up and i want to scream from the stress of it all..if i could have anything in the world and not have to worry about giving it back then all i ask for is a couple thousand dollars to pay bills with..not even play with and ive had to really really restrain myself from buying new books..and lately thats all i want and all i do..i go away and read..what i think about 5 or so books since christmas!! that would be a ton of reading for anyone else but its just not enough..i cant figure out any other way to go away so reading it is..hmm went to the employment place and didnt like it at all...i just got the feeling that they didnt care a bit and they saw to many ppl and had to much stress...whatever the reason was i just didnt feel comfortable there..waited for almost an hour to be called back for about 10 mins and i was done! it was so annoying..ugh..i have no desire to go back there at all..id rather read every newspaper and look online to find a job...and actually i do have an interview on thursday that im a bit nervous about..im trying to keep my options open but this particular place doesnt start training again until feb! a whole month away almost and thats implying that i get the job..still holding out for the first one ..but i know ill have to start putting in more applications..so im checking the newspaper again today when mommy gets home just to see if there is anything else i could apply for..i dont know..im going crazy stuck at home and every day mommy is asking if i heard anything or if i have any money and all this stuff that i dont have answers for..its like a neverending supply of stress and worry and anxiety right now :(

speechless

im speechless right this minute...and i guess thats saying alot lol..but have you just ever gotten a comment that just floored you in its unexpectedness and honesty? and that it came from someone who knew and worked with me for a summer so its not as if it came out of the blue from some person i never met..but this is an honest to goodness real person who saw me so frustrated i didnt know what to do over the summer at the camps..and who i worked with in passing and greww to like a lot but from afar you know because im not big on making friends and everything..but she was just so carefree and my kids loved being in the art room with her ( this person was the art teacher for the summer camp) and i knew she had been in the psych hospital and had an ed..and it was just one of those if you only knew kinda things but anyway..this is the comment she left on my myspace page


You know... I always looked up to you in awe... I want to be where you are someday... in the way you act... interact with the kids... deal with life...
Just wanted to let you know!



i wrote her back and told her thanks but i keep going back and looking at the message because it surprises the heck out of me..its like that little vote of confidence ive been missing lately..i never exxpect anyone to look up to me or tell me ive done anything good or well you get the picture..and part of me is fighting hard to not take it for what it is and question why and everything but this is one of those random times when i want to nice feeling it leaves..i do..

therapy

i woke up thinking about therapy this morning..weird dream about having therapy over the phone when i hate talking on the phone and i was falling asleep on the phone and just felt guilty for not talking and yea it was really weird..why is it that i cant just say ok ill go..its not a big deal just talking right ?? and yet you would think i was a step away from signing my death sentence or something..it just scares me so much and its so humiliating having to need to go to therapy in the first place..i hate thinking i need help regardless of how much i do need help... its just ingrained to deep..hide everything and everything will be ok and now i get seem to get away from that..i dont know what to say or what to talk about and somethings its like ill die if i get to close to saying to much anyway..sometimes its like just standing in front of a wall and i cant get around it or through it or anything and im just stuck and no one can help me..i cant decide and i dont know what to do...also work up this morning really wanting to hurt and that turned into cutting but then i couldnt decide where to do it not if i wanted to do it..how screwed up is that?! if nothing else screamed go back to therapy well that did and still i want to fight it all the way..and even if i went eventually they would have to get my info from my other doc and that worries me too..i keep thinking she will write that the only way to get info out of me is to make me write it down..yea its true but i dont want anyone to actually say that about me..and i dont even know what she would say and im prolly just freaking about about nothing..

ok day

today is friday and that is pretty much cleaning day at home for as long as i can remember..so its just kinda i know that before i can actually leave the house without feeling guilty about it ...and im babysitting tonight anyway..so i actually put some effort into cleaning my room and got all of dustis stuff straightened up..and went through the clothes i plan on giving away and got them bagged up and everything..and did my hair and now i have to just clean the bathroom and the kitchen and play a game of scrabble and then ill get dressed to get out of here..well just to go to work but thats ok..not much to write about... feeling better today at least and im guessing some of not feeling good is just my body getting used once again to my changing eating habits..i really should just pick something and stick to it! but i guess in a couple weeks ill be fine and for now im not to worried..dusti was trying to get on mommys bed last night with mommy in it..but when mommy told me about it today she wasnt to mad but now i have to make sure dusti doesnt get out of my room at night..and the nia and everyone is all freaked dusti will go in there rooms at night..but oh well..ill just keep her in my room at night..but i hate that if im not here then they just try to lock her in my room all the time and wont let her out..its not like she does anything to anyone at all but nia is still scared of her..other than the usual stuff today has been alright..it helped that the house was quiet for part of the morning

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

power and control

for some reason ive been stuck on ages again lately...keep wondering where the blame is supposed to be placed when the ages are incredibly close together and one is being hurt..maybe both were hurt i dont know..and i asked my questions in a couple places and eventually the subject got around to who had power and control and who didnt...wasnt really based on age either..and i rarely give power or control much thought because im used to doing what im told regardless..but in a way thats me giving up what little control i may have over something..and now ive been thinking a lot about how that plays into things and its odd because it really has nothing to do with age or size or gender or any of the other obvious deciding factors..because when i think about it i go to the most obvious thing ..someone had to be older and so someone had to be able to say stop or something..but that may not a completely accurate assumption..because if one person is being forced i guess to do something they dont want to do then one of the two had to know to stop fighting..or somewhere along the line leading up to everything someone learned to not say no inorder to make things easier and look where it got them..none of it really makes sense though..and im not even sure what im looking for anymore

in some sense im not doing well at all..im worn out trying to keep with everything..and this morning mommy got back so im up before 8 because she was yelling at me about money and whether i was looking for a job or not..doesnt matter that she woke me up and i wasnt completely keeping up with all the questions..but its like oh i dont know just hard...feeling really dejected about things at home..

on the other hand i was asked to spend the night over the weekend because the kids parents are going out of town..and i told her i would..i need the money i do but i also like being over there as i told her last night..i took the boys to barnes and noble yesteerday and it was fun..like our third trip there in a couple weeks lol..i helped them pick out books..and the youngest one got where the sidewalk ends which is one of our favorite books and i was reading it to him last night for an hour..and the oldest got eragon even though when we talk about that book we have to talk about the night i took them to see it and he fell asleep in the first 20 mins of it :). i knew he would but the two other kids i was with wanted to see it and we had to go to a late one lol..so now the rule is no late movies because riley will fall asleep in it! i cant believe they are turning 11 and 9 this year..and still its jsut ive known them forever and im treated like im the greatest person ever when im with them..ill have to bring my camera so i can get some new pictures of them...we were watching videos on youtube yesterday and i showed them the funny one from the blue man group and they are going around singing the chorus part of it lol..and we watched school house rock and shel sliverstein poems and some music videos..and it was fun..

sometimes

sometimes it is as if i dont even fit in in my own house...even here my ability to do things is based on how much i can give someone else..

not feeling good..starting to worry about mommy coming home tomorrow night..

2008

its 2008...i stayed up all night in the end lol..that last hour was just painful !! but still managed to stay up and caught the ball dropping on tv..and then it was over and it was just another day.. just weird...came over to dees house early to straighten up a bit and feed the dog..dont plan on staying long though because they are coming home today and im not really feeling like babysitting but i will if i have to..and then i will prolly just be hanging out at home today..and waiting for the world to return to normal tomorrow!



but still im really hoping 2008 will be a good year..cant help it