another day

so went to work and did ok...got seriously down by like 2 and just wanted to go home..i left at 4 and took a million buses home but got here fine if not just more tired..now im just watching americas next top model which has since gone off...and now im bored...considering going to bed soon ..after i clean dusti's litter box ..i still cant figure out how the little bug kicked litter across the abthroom..good grief she keeps me busy..

ive decided that there is something thats just not right about wishing someone else would die..its wrong and mean and evil and i should be shot for thinking it in the first place...i dont know why i did it anyway..ok so i do but its just still wrong..it doesnt matter if i keep wishing i would die but good grief no doing it other people..besides i should know by now that doing that and having something actually happen would kill me literally..the guilt would eat me alive..today would have been good eating wise i guess had i not gotten i dont know and binged without purging..it was to the point of having a dizzy headache so i got home and ate leftovers and what not..i couldnt figure out what i wanted in the first place and so i just keep looking for something i did want..not really caring what i ate...but since yvonne was home i couldnt purge either not that i really wanted to...so tomorrow ill be really really good and make up for it and just have a snack or something before i get home..but still no carrying money with me because ill spend it and i cant..not even for food so its easier to just eat what i have and leave it alone...i was making lists today at work when i wasnt paying attention to what i was doing and it was just really for reminding me what i would have to pay for next month and stuff i needed for the rest of this month and it was really depressing and im sick of writing ..im running out of stuff to write

bad bad bad

valium...i know what it does now..i found two in a matter of speaking which means i was being nosy and looking through mommys medicine cabinet while i was bored today and she had valium..just 2 but i debated for all of five minutes before itook them..i put different pills in the bottle but im sure she wont notice the change..im guessing i could have juts taken the bottle but nah that would have been weird and wrong..i guess it wounts as wrong taking meds that arent mine anyway..but it put me to sleep this morning when i took it..i only took one since i didnt know exactly what it did..so i slept for a while and woke up feeling incredibly fuzzy and just slowed down..woke up a little after eating something but still it was a distant empty happy feeling i was left with..my head was empty for a while and i ended up going through and pulling stuff out of my closet to bring back with me..but still for most of the day i was really disconnected with everything and im guessing it had soomething to do with what i took but im not really sure..im fine now and tired ...well as fine as i can b e since ive been thinking about cutting and dying and hurting...just general stuff i think..well cutting i did have ever intention of doing..i was just getting really sad trying on my old clothes and i would have been ok if i hadnt pulled out shorts and started putting htem on...my legs are a mess..arms too but looking at my arms and noticing the scars fading a bit made me upset for reasons im not sure of but it just makes me worry..but i didnt ..still thinking about it but i guess ill be ok.. and im not sure about anything tonight it seems....mommy borrowed her money from me and for the whole ride home since im without a car again and mommy and wayne brought me back to school that i just kept thinking that ill be screwed if mommy doesnt pay me back..i just feel really stupid for giving in..not that i could have said no without getting into a lot of trouble..but it just sucks knowing i only matter when she needs something from me..time and money is all i have to give and all of it is hers in a way anyway..i could starve for a couple months and im not sure anyone would notice or care...i just dont have any extra money at all and if i leave what i do have for bills and stuff i already know about ill be ok but dusti's stuff will have to be gotten with grocery money..i have plenty of frozen junk for dinner and stuff so im fine..i need to stop going to the grocery store anyway..ill have to take the bus to work because i cant afford to give yvonne money for gas and its not fair for her to keep driving me around when i cant help with gas..not that i mind the bus it just takes forever to get back and forth between the hospital and campus and then home..but ill get used to it soon enough..things are starting to crowd in on me again..endless lists of things i have to do and get done like now and i dont have the time or the drive to do any of it..i want my time back..im sick of not being able to dowhat i want to with my day..i dont really work but i hate it tonight..i have to be up in 6 hours to get ready for work and instead im sitting here writing instead of going to bed..given ive only been home for an hour and i just couldnt go to bed without checking computer stuff...but i am tired..to bad i cant get rid of the stupid feeling...i cant get rid of the disappointed feeling either..i know better than to take random meds..but i did it over the summer and i did it today..i still have the other pill but i dont know what im going to do with it just yet...for now i guess i just have it to look at.

the lion king

there arent enough words in the dictionary to really describe how good the lion king was last night..i know the movie, i know all three of the movies ive sen them so much and the play follows the first movie very very well..im prolly the only person who knows that the he lives in you song is on the second movie not the frist one but it fit in the play very well..the costumes were great..on stage they were real ..regardless of the fact that you knew people were in them..there were tons of different animals and the music was beautiful..since i have the soundtrack now id say i liked the music a lot lol...but last night was the greatest time ive had in forever..6 kids..all of them by the end of the night demanding my attention..i promised mckenzie that the next time im at home ill go over and babysit her and ann mcbride...cameron and william were both happy to see me and cameron sat with me the second part of the play..harris was on my lap for the first part of the play and riley was on my lap for the second part. jenny and paula and dee told me that i looked nice and they were happy to see me..well not dee on the last part since ive been with riley and harris since friday...but it was good and i really wish i could go back and see it a million times..you dont get enough of that play..it was the best thing ever..the special effects were really good too and i still managed to cry when the dad died..good grief ive seen the movie a million times and still cry on that part...the animals came down the aisles!! at the beginning when they were all coming on stage..the elephant was huge and the litle baby elephant was so cute..the hyenas where silly and funny and zazu was great..of course timon and pumba were brillantly played and sounded just like they did in the movie! the lionesses where some of my favorite scenes though..they were just so pretty and elegant.the dances were so cool and the death scenes/falls were so slow and drawn out but completely believeable ... rafikki who you couldnt understand at all for the most part was the most captivating because of her voice..you might not have understand what she said but you listened to all..harris and riley were right last night was one of the best days of my life...talk about getting lost in the movie the play is like going to a different world for two hours...im really happy dee took me...


hmm other stuff...annoying binging but not purging ..which sucks a lot but i just didnt want to feel sick yesterday...been taking my vitamins still..the times range a lot but i remember to take them eventually...mommy is planning on borrowing money from me again and she says she will pay my bills for dec but i just dont really believe her and i cant say no...so she will get the money and ill be lost for a while..as long as i have money then i guess im useful but as soon as i start asking for money then im the bad one for not using my money wisely and wasting it on money..she likes to forget i hand over more money than i ever spend on movies to her for stuff...ill never hear the end of how much money she put into the car but she wont say anyhting about how i had to finish paying for the dumb thing..ill have to pay to have it fixed today if it can be...what am i supposed to do if i cant get a job when i graduate ? i cant expect her to pay my bills..given she says dont worry she will handle it but then make me feel like im lower than everything because im making her spend all of her money on me...seems like either way i lose out in all of it..as soon as she has what she wants then what exactly am i needed for? i have a project due next week that i need to start working on...my fault for not starting sooner ig uess..but next monday will be really busy

ok

of course im at home and so im babysitting..i came to riley and harris's house yesterday afternoon and i prolly wont be going home until monday...last night was fine, we played and played and watched a movie and we all fall asleep around there room at like 10! but there parents were home so it was fine lol.not like i havent ever fallen asleep with them not home but i try hard to stay awake and im fine most of the time..today there mom and dad went to the nc state game and riley and harris stayed with me..riley went off to play with some of the neighborhood kids and harris of course stayed home with me..we played with and lost his new pet turtle..which he found in someone else's yard but its a outdoors turtle..no idea how it got over here but its harris's pet now and i volunteered to name it edgar lol..harris didnt like that name though but i keep calling it edgar and he calls him ross..we also made it a boy turtle so im hoping we are right..but after that we couldnt find it..riley comes home and they find it thankfully cas harris thought the turtle didnt like him cas it left..but its found and that is over with..played computer games, watched a movie, made cookies and rather good ones at that..found a recipe on line and ended up making butterscotch chocolate chip cookies..we talked a lot about tmorrow..riley tried to be a detective while i was cooking dinner and half arrested me...they finished the cookies and took baths and cleaned up and we danced a million times to the oliver and company songs..only with this two would i dance to anything ..but we did and it was a lot of fun..one at a time because as it turns out keeping the other one busy with something makes baths go so much quicker lol..bt still getting them in the tub is like talk and calm down time for them and we talk about a lot of stuff...they ran after me when i went to take the garbage out..and proceeded to follow me out side half dressed and we raced back to the house..harris came in first and me in second and riley was behind me. they are watching eight below again since we all fell asleep on it alst night and they are waiting for me to go in there so i can finish watching it with them..tomorrow is going to be a lot of fun..im letting harris read my lemony snikett book and hes reallyexcited about that.this morning he woke me up to read frog and toad..ive missed them though..i forgot how much fun i can have with them and not care. maybe thats why i like them so much..i can do the dumbest stuff ever but with the it doesnt matter..prolly cause they are doing it with me! but they have a hugely different outlook on the world..yvonne says she forgets the real life worries when shes with me..i forget them when i babysit.

when i die no one will notice until they need something from me

ohwell

i over slept this morning and so im still home...leave it to me to over sleep the one time i really needed to wake up early and get going..stupid stupid me...now i have a couple hours to kill and after staying up longer to make sure everything was packed and ready to go..ugh..waste of time and effort..cant believe i didnt recheck my alarm and make sure it was on!!! i suck

such a headache

i wacked the heck outta my head today while i was doing laundry..i wasnt paying attention at all and hit my head on one of the coin slot things..hurts horribly right this minute..i guess i should have put ice on it or something but oh well.. hopefully it will feel better in the morning...im leaving for home at like 5 in the morning..id rather leave early than late...ill make it home fine..i hope...im just tired and nervous..im trying hard not to purge...i refuse to move until the feeling goes away...im just losing energy really fast these days..all day long i want to sleep again..nothing else just sleep..sleep and forget..i dont feel like writing tonight

sigh

whats wrong with me?? i cant even make it less three days without b/p'ing anymore..the past couple months i havent been able to make it a full week without doing it i think..my weeks are split into whether or not im sick and stupid again..weekends are turning into long dull neverending days only sperated by if ive gotten bored enough to b/p..does it makes me bad if i look forward to doing it sometimes? no that just makes me a freak and i guess i spend to much time by myself on the weekends..my biggest fear when yvonne said she was going home early was that i would be by myself and that meant there wouldnt be anyone here to check on me in any way...im to old to need supervision, i should be able to take care of myself..and saying that just doesnt seem real..me take care of myself? uh no thanks...ok well this week i think its been everyday since sunday..its disappointing in a way..feeling so sick is not cool at all..this morning i wanted to just stay in bed all day my head hurt so much..spent the first part of the day in a daze everything was so fuzzy and i just wanted to go and lay down somewhere for a while..i woke up around lunch because we went to a vendor fair for home health and hospice and hospitals and med equipment info stuff..tons of free stuff..tons of candy (bad part) but overall it was fun and i liked it..went to client and just got so so tired again..i wanted to go to bed and forget the rest of the day..without having to think about anything but i stayed until it was time to go home..and then i waited for yvonne to come and get me and ended up playing thumb war and tic tac toe with a patient..he cheated of course but what can you expect lol..i actually beat him at thumb war but ive gotten to really like him..i say hi to him when i see him, i stop and let him give me high fives and we snap at each other..i gave him a pen today .. a big one kinda that he can hold and write with prety good even with his issues..issues or not hes good and he knows when hes playing..he finds it incredibly funny that im ticklish on my hands..i will miss him when he goes home in a couple weeks..i like talking to his mom since i see her so much..the other kids im getting to know to but carson just kinda happened one day during a meeting when his wheelchair eended up right next to me and we started playing games...random thought i got a free pill box today..funniest thing ever since theres all this free candy and pens and notepads which i have tons of now too..but just one place had the pill things and of course my first thought great just my luck..second thought being i might as well get one to look at for a while until i figure out what i want to do..much later i remembered i hadnt taken my vitamins for today..i could take them now but i think ill wait juts a little bit until my head stops hurting so much...yvonne left today for home..she started her fall break a few days early! but im gonna be taking the bus to work tomorrow..i could drive but the signal thing worries me and i dont like driving with them not working..im trying to think of a way to nicely ask for friday off so i can go home early in the morning. i know just telling the truth works best but i keep thinking about how stupid the truth is..ugh but i know ill end up telling the truth since lying is such a pain in the butt and i dont want to get stuck in a lie and forget what i said..i alrady know janet wont be there friday and i dont want to just call in sick, id rather tell her before hand and go from there..they have all been telling me im doing agood job with stuff..there are areas to improve in but overall i can hold my own..all the nurses ask if im staying when i gradute..the therapist ask me too..everyone asks if ill stay but not what i plan on doing..a few ppl ask what my plans are after school but mostly its being asked if im staying..i do want to stay i really really do but its also a change thing..im getting used to being in the hospital..im getting used to working on the teams and not being scared of asking the docs stuff...i know what the problems are and i know what the expectations are..im learning resources and connections in a way..yet again i dont want to have to change and learn new things..i like being in rehab and i want to stay where i am but its small in rehab here..and right now there arent any openings..there are only 7 social workers there and me and i dont really count..but theres not a lot of room for growing right this minute..i know that can change really fast but for now nah..janet agreed that me going to the job fair is a good idea but im feeling like im not trying hard enough to find a job and just going to the job fair is being lazy..regardless of the other hundreds of students that will be there..given im not trying to find a job and until like the last couple weeks or so i didnt care..but suddenly i realize that the semester is already half over and that makes me nervous and i really want to just cry because i dont know what will happen when i graduate..i really dont want things to change an they will ahve too..i cant belive not graduating is actually in my head..i know i cant not graduate..i cant stay as an undregrad any longer it just wouldnt work..i really dont want to take the field seminar again with a class i dont know...today when i told people i was graduating in june everyone said good luck and asked if iwas learning alot..and they were sincere..just kinda one of those things that cant be faked succesfully i guess..but all the same they were incredibly nice and had stories to tell..its just hard i guess..not knowing what iwll happen makes me so nervous..but the way im going..i wonder if ill make it to my graduation in one piece..last night when i was trying to go to sleep and feeling incredibly sick from b/p i was thinking about why i would rather die than let anyone know i do b/p..i dont know why i have the difference between throwing up and cutting when they kinda do the same thing..i dont know why one is better than the other and maybe ive juts stuck with the b/p longer...i have done it for an incredibly long time vs cutting for only 7 or so years..wow it seems like forever...guess it doesnt matter since ive ruined my body in a million and one ways...im going home this weekend and i have new scars running up my arm..and i say going up for some weird reason..they could be going down but either way what i did with the staples is highly noticaable and im realyl worried ill be dead when and if mommy sees them...its not cold enough for long sleeves and im just yelling at myself in my head for being so stupid and doing them anyway..i just suck more than usual lately..yesterday we went to the bridal store and i looked at all the pretty dresses and hated myself..ill never get married..ill never ever wear anything without sleeves in it..ill never have a reason to where anything that formal..and i learned that in the bridal store you so cant touch the wedding dresses..the real ones lol..i was touching them and yvonne told me to get away from them cas you cant toucht them..i just assumed she was making that up cas she is incredibly not thrilled about me forever telling her shes getting married..but no she was right..no touching the real wedding dresses..you can touch the formal dresses though..all the same those dresses are like $1000 bucks!! i would be paying for a dress for like 5 years..i dont want a dress you have to pay for in installments lol..could be fun but good grief no..not for a dress you wear like once and then never ever wear again! they were awfully pretty though..some were incredibly ugly but some where really nice and i would have loved to have them until you look at the prices and come crashing back down to earth! shopping was not my friend yesterday...now that ive completely depressed myself yet again i guess lil go and find my floor and finish setting up dustis new toy play climber thingy..and go to bed since i have to be up a bit earlier than usual

ugh

no energy tonight..its been a really really long day but not a bad one..tired and going to bed

Your Personality Is Like Heroin

You're capable of the highest highs and the lowest lows. Addicted to feeling good, you'll do almost anything to avoid pain. People seek you out, even though you can be quite moody. They're hooked on you!

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

hmm

today is slowly moving along..im tired but its to early to go to bed..went to class and actually drove myself to the doc..annnnnnnnnd i didnt even hit anything..my parking skills are horrible but otherwise im decent..still you can tell im so not used to driving! but i finally got over being really horribly scared and it was go or dont go and not going just wouldnt have been good..so last night hmm freaked for a while..went fora drive to the grocery store..b/p..adn then went to bed and tried to ignore how much it hurt..woke up sick and so i havent eaten really yet today..half a granola bar doesnt seem like it counts even if i want it to..althought the only reason im making a big deal out of it is because i havent taken the vitamins yet and id rathe rnot feel any worse than i do already..the longer i try to think of something to eat the more i cant find anything..not that i have a million choices but i have a few..ill wait a little longer and see if my stomach will not scream bloody murder if i eat..but mostly no energy right now..i think if i go lay on the couch ill be sleep before long. my attention has been horrible today..everything is distracting in the worst way.

stupid is so not the word

i cant get my head around the fact that i should have known better than to watch the little mini movie i watched...when i saw the thread and it had ed trigger on it lightbulbs or something should have gone off in my head..and if they had cas in sure they did i was dumb enough to not listen to them..and i dont know anything about karen carpenter..really i dont well i didnt and now i know more than i ever wanted to know..the movie i saw was really old and it was done with barbie dolls no less..i dont know how in the world its possible to make a barbie doll look sick and die but well they got it and it was done awfully good...i want to say it shouldnt bother me so much but it does..it was like a mini walk through the wondeerful world of eating disorders..and i guess i can say that if i didnt have one it wouldnt bother me so much...still i refuse to believe it..the topic of iepac syrup came up and i know how it works and ive even gone as far as to know where to get it from..its not like its that hard to find..its advised that parents keep some on hand incase there kids swallow some lethal liquid or soemthing to make them throw up..ive also spent way to much time on ed boards to not know the dangers that comes with it..and for once the dangers seriously outweigh the benefits...and ive never had the real urge to use it..id rather not die from the one thing i hide more than anything else.. i just know that if i took it i would be dumb enough to get hooked and die in a month..just watching it put me on edge in a really bad way..sitting still is not cool right now and because im not going anywhere im just getting more and more nervous about something that i cant really put a name on...i know better..i swear i do and it juts doesnt matter..for whatever it is i want the consequences just dont outweigh the benefits...i would die and not care and im at the point where i know its wrong but i cant fix it ..id rather it killed me..all of it not just the ed stuff...im feeling really really really stupid and childish and annoying and nothing makes sense..

nothing

dusti got me good in the finger when i was playing with her today..its not my fault she likes chasing feathers to the death and my fingerwas so in the way it seems. but now my finger is starting to hurt a bit..anyway..didnt do anyhting today..wasted a lot of time waiting for wayne to come..and he didnt earlier..so he called and said he was on the way and now im still waiting for him to get here..cleaned up all the major parts of the house..my room not counting cas i dont really care about that and its not like anyone else will be in there..i finished reading the lovely bones today and the book is good but its one of those books ill never be able to read in a bad mood..it did make me wonder if people can really watch you from heaven..cant read minds or anything but just watch without being able to interfer or anything..makes me consider if i believe in the unbelievable i guess..in the matrix deja va is a glitch in the system..i have really bad deja va sometimes..a bit deeper than just seeing something twice..

ok skip a day since i didnt finish writing this yesterday...wayne came and brought my car..i now have a car but im a bit scared of driving it...but all the same he actually came through on his promise to bring it to me..now im just looking at it wondering what in the heck im supposed to be doing with it!! but ill get more comfortable driving soon enough i guess...spent most of the day not doing anything and putting off doing the work i should be doing..stuff for class tomorrow stuff for therapy tomorrow..and i figure if i keep waiting long enough it will all juts finish itself and i wont have to worry about it...i always want someone to offer to drive me to therapy and im not that lucky it seems..i might be driving myself! its not that i cant do i just dont really trust myself to do it...mommy isnt helping at all with getting any better at it either..all day today ive just kept putting off going and driving somewhere..i keep starting other stuff which is mostly watching tv to get my mind on other things and i keep saying ill juts drive tonight..if you could take away all the other cars on the road i wouldnt have any trouble at all getting in the car...but since that wont be happpening ill have to face it really really soon...anyway..kinda feeling incredibly overwhelmed with all of this stuff..next week is fall break ..ok two days of next week is fall break and im ready for it..the weekends juts dont cut it not that im doing anything anyway..taking bubblebaths is so my newest favorite thing to do to waste time..ive found out that if i keep making the water just a bit hotter than i can stand it then as soon as my foot is in i cant think of anything else until the water cools off..once theres nothing in my head relaxing for a little while isnt that hard..its just an energy release in some weird way..almost the same way cutitng works..and a bubble bath is just a bath and i still dont like baths i just take a shower anyway after wasting a good while looking at nothing..but anyway...i was feeling incredibly ok after my bubble bath but now i dont know..im distracted but i dont know about what...i keep thinking of things i need to do and juts dont want to do...im waiting for yvonne to get back and she hasnt gotten here yet so im not by myself..but i shouldnt be expecting her to come and juts keep me company when i dont want to really talk to her either..and if i do go to the store how do i know i wont buy anything i dont need?? i keep thinking of everything i want to buy and i keep taking food off the list..like i can buy the book i really really really want but if i do then you know i cant go to the grocery store..telling myself i cant go to the grocery store hurts juts because i love going so much..but anyway ive never been one to not make myself suffer for the fun of it. so ill get over it..depending on how i look at it the whole thing could be an awfully good trade off..and i do want that book..i found a link today to all of these books on ed's ..and theres a lot of them i havent read before that i want to get all of sudden...i want to go home and get the other ones i have..i havent read any of them in forever...ive gotten rather crazy in the past few weeks..

so for some reason yesterday i was doing something that made me think about being really angry at someothing..and then of course my lack of being able to get mad ..well my lack of being able to stay mad for more than a passing thought..because i dont know why i cant when sometimes i really do want to be mad about everything and its just not there..at least not where i can get to it ...its always right underneath the surface but always out of my range..i know its there..because i can get mad it just doesnt stay and im not sure i like that..i have sad down completely but i cant get a hold on mad and its like well gee theres something missing but i dont know how to explain it or even make it ok for it to come back...when i really think about why its not there i just get lots of empty space and thats not any answer im looking for..dont know why..guess thats one of those things ill never be able to figure out..dont know how in the world i would be able to handle it anyway so maybe its better i dont have it..i could prolly die from saddness anyway

so tired

i dont think its my iron anymore...im tired..all the time again..i spend half the day yawning, wanting to go to sleep..i can and do stay awake but i start zoning out before i even make it to work..i dont get it..i have been taking the stupid vitamins and im still tired..maybe i should stop taking them and see what happens..if i start just falling asleep without being able to help it then ill know i have aproblem..i do sleep..im in the bed by 11..by 10 most night..sometimes even before that on weekends when i dont have to worry about staying up and keeping yvonne company when shes actually here..and even then im dead to the world by 10..and im up in the morning around 6:45ish..sometimes earlier but not later...by definition i shouldnt be tired at all and i dont know why..today i was actually considering drinking coffee just to wake myself up..i keep getting so cold in the hospital..i walk around in long sleeves or a jacket all the time there now..if i dont have a jacket im shivering by lunch..some days i cant feel my fingers im so cold and that normally only happens in the computer labs when i know they keep the air incredibly low...i keep thinking im the only one bothered by the air in the hospital..im always cold and im always pulling at my sleeves trying to warm myself up and i sit at the nurses station shivering because i can never seem to keep my body temp normal..when im hot at the hospital then the heat is on and blasting..the problem being i hate being to hot..i cant sleep when imn to hot and it makes me cranky really really fast..but im still eating ice a lot..and it doesnt help anything at all..so i dont know what to do..

i watched nanny mcphee tonight and it was a good movie..i liked it, but then i guess i just like movies like that..i know yvonne thinks its cheating off of mary poppins but that doesnt matter to me at all..its not the same and i like it but i know i wouldnt watch it around yvonne at all..she would just make comments until i didnt want to see it anymore...i want to keep it until next weekend when i go home so riley and harris can see it but maybe i wont...maybe ill just get a different set of movies to take home with me...but anyway..it was a funny movie..im considering if i want to buy it or not and i think ill end up adding it to my list..ill watch it some more this weekend ..and i have to watch yours, mine and ours too..i know riley and harris have already seen that one.

i made a cake tonight...im considering throwing the whole thing away..im annoyed with eating today..i was dumb and bought lunch knowing i would get french fries..and i did and lucky me im creeped out with throwing up in the hospital..thats one of those places that just screams get caught and your dead..so no throwing up there..havent thrown up all week i think..interesting since its been a while since i even thought that...ive set myself up to cut this weekend..im expecting it..i was going to do it the other night and went to bed instead..i keep trying hard to stay as busy as possible but i keep getting so much time to myself..no idea how to stay busy it seems...i dont do anything anymore..watch tv or play online when im not at work..i dont really shop or do anything..its not fun...im trying to not care what yvonne thinks is going on with me..i dont have to be happy if i dont want to..its to much of an effort being happy these days..not that im crying all the time or anything but nothing gets a reaction ut of me..the normal movie qoutes i know by heart that yvonne could say to make me smile doesnt work anymore..ive been trying to talk more with her when shes around..but shes not around much..busy with other stuff..i dont want to feel ignored but i guess its my fault..i dont depend her attention or even talk to her when i get it..why would she want to hang around me when im always in a bad mood i guess..not that i would ever ask her to just stay here and keep me company over the weekends..her boyfriend is her life and who am i to get in the way of that? she says just tell her to stay here when we talked a little about how i was supposed to get a tattoo and i said its ok cas everyone is busy doing stuff..when she asked who everyone is i told her it was her..but i dont let her not do stuff for my sake...id rather be in a bad mood by myself until i can work it out..except it kinda sucks when i dont manage to work it out at all..just keep being sad and wishing for an escape of some sort that refuses to come...ive set myself up to fail really..but right now i dont want to hurt..i just want to sleep and im freezing ..the winddows are just open and im freezing...gotta love the days i get to walk across the world to get home because yvonne cant pick me up...and in the rain no less..i just have bad luck that way..today when i have to walk all over the place and turn a 20min trip into a two hour affair and it pours all day long and cools off..i was just glad i had a sweater...oh well..made it home all the same i shouldnt complain..today i really almost had to stop and cry at work..teared up but didnt cry..neither janet or cindy were in today and so i had to deal with everything coming in for both of them..i had a list of stuff to do..i had a paper to get finished..i had to deal with the med stuff for a patient going home..i was back and forth from the office to the kids floor and back..a million phone calls..setting up appts..ppl looking at me like i knew what i was doing..its like as soon as the ones i report to are gone then im the one who knows everything..i had no idea what i was supposed to do about some of it..people kept finding me and asking me stuff...drained isnt the right word for what i was feeling by the time i got to go home..especially since i took the scenic route home..but it was just so busy trying to deal with so many different things..i had a list of stuff to do already but adding in the extra stuff took a lot of energy and patience..i did all of it and then some..today was a serious look into how much is expected of them even at the hospital..something is going on all the time..some problem that has to be fixed right then..nerve wrecking..get home and dont know what to do with myself..dont want to stay home but cant go anywhere..so instead i watch amovie and make a cake..i started reading the lovely bones and its a really good story..depressing but good in a way..makes me wonder what heaven really looks like..hmm i keep thinking about the homework ive put off writing..still putting it off but the subject is always in my head so i guess thats the trade off..i can think about it as much as i want until i actually write something..but even time for that is running short ..very very short actually and i might as well face my fears now..and even writing that makes me want to laugh..so instead of actually thinking ill face anything ill read my book and wonder about the fate of the world and maybe just maybe when im bored enough ill remember to write my thoughts on what i want to be said about me when i die..i remember it..ive thought it all out and even had answers for it at one point..now im not sure i care..

i have to..its not a want kinda deal

today was stressful, i did everything that was expected of me..i always do whats expected of me for the most part..still some things for tomorrow..i have to give myself grades though for tomorrow..i have to do my recording thing for class..i have to figure out if im going home..i have to do something...if i made a checklist of things to remember to do outside of work i dont think it would ever end...i have to find out graduation stuff, i have to go to the bank, i have to clean my room again, i ahve to do laundry, i have to get my car and then be to afraid to even drive it..not that it matters since mommy actually had to nerve to tell me to let someone else drive with me..if im gonna get into an accident then at least give me the choice to not take anyone else down with me..anyway..i have to do my project, i ahve to find a job, i have to look at grad school stuff, i have to find my resume, i have to understand im not looking for a job without a car..i ahve to finish orietation stuff but i cant with a car..i have to tell ym teacher i cant go to the confrence..i have to go to dinner with my teacher..i have to take care of dusti..but that i dont mind, dusti makes me smile..i have to do stuff for mommy..i ahve to prepare to be in charge for thanksgiving and christmas..i have to get gifts..i have to go home and babysit..i have to make sure dusti has a place to be when im not around..i have to find my clothes..i have to cover my arms and my legs..i have to start paying more attention to money, i have to just pay attention in general to things im ignoring..i have to grow up and be responsible and do my job and stop expecting for janet or arran to save me from whatever it is i need to be saved from...now in all of that and then the stuff im not even remembering to have to do what is it that i want to do? want is a luxury im not allowed to really consider...my want limits are died and gone since i bought 2 movies week..and then it was 2 kids movies..i was emailing someone about the movies and it just kinda hit me..i didnt have movies as a kid..i might not remember any thing else but i know i didnt have movies..i could waste money on worse things than movies i guess..but what kids doesnt get movies for no other reason than to have them..its been mentioned that i have an inner child that i dont happen to ignore and its not that..not really..yea i like my movies and that should be all that matters..but things are never that easy..i dont have an age..ive decided my age is nonexistent..its possible to grow up without growing up..my teacher asked me the other day if i really understood how much i influence people..and of course i looked at her like she had lost her mind to ever even consider that and me in the same sentence...but she does and nothing i say changes her mind..i went to her grad class for like less than two hours and you would have thought the class was about me as much as i was highlighted on..embarrassing for me in so many ways but only dr bass gets away with it...jon asked me once if i would feel better if he told me bad stuff instead of all the good stuff i was constantly hearing over the summer and i told him yea..it wouldnt feel so weird if he told me everything i was doing wrong..but how often do you get into a place where you dont do anything wrong..where you talk and you know your listened to..completely and utterly listened to..like you finally belong somewhere and it was the most unexpected thing ever...i miss camp..i miss jim calling me a goddess..i miss hollice and bobbi jo hugging me..i miss talking to all of them..i miss the emptiness of being in the mountains..and the more i look for jobs the more i know i cant move now..as much as i would be willing to take a job in asheville i couldnt move..to many things left to do and i would have problems seperating completely from greenville dusti is good for company but one sided convos can only go so far..ok no where i take that would make it any better lol..just make me sound crazier ..so ill go on to something else...i just want to yell at myself to get a backbone and freaking stand up forever and that would be ok depending on who im talking too...ok no it doesnt apply..funny how impressions ppl have of me are so wrong..someone told me its good that i knew what i wanted ..i looked at her like she was crazy..all summer i was told i was confident and resposible and all this stuff i never would even consider but they saw it and the difference there was i didnt see how to not believe them..now im not there and i dont have to believe anything anymore..i dont have a bunch of kids ready to pounce on the smallest grain of self doubt they can find..now its just me and i do a better job than they could have ever done...guess ive had a lot of practice..so ill go on to something else...im not looking forward to the weekend..im not even really looking forward to the weekend after that and i know im going to see the lion king..that should make me happy and it doesnt anymore..just random spurts of excitement...to many other things to think about and work on..maybe when it gets closer it will be different..maybe once i know its really happening ill be able to be happy and it wont matter..

hmm i wonder if bj would share viacodin with me again..could be fun .....life goes on as long as i remember what im supposed to be doing..and theres always so such to do..maybe i do need to go home for a weekend just for the change of scenery..but that would be this weekend but for now not even that will be happening..once again i wait for nothing, no mommy, no car..dont know why i expected things to be different..stop expecting stuff..less to be disappointed over i guess..i should stop forgetting that..yep maybe ill turn that statement into a postcard or something..make millions and live forever

gotta love how things change...not going home..dont know why it was ever a stupid option anyway..stupid me

the coolest thing ever

the coolest thing ever that could possibly happen with the least amount of thought so happened today!!! i was in clinic minding my own business watching the docs get the botox stuff ready for kids who needed them..and they have to mix them up and once i got used to staring at them mixing it i was positive i could do it and ive seen it done like a million or 5 times..and i pay attention everytime the docs mix it and im there..and today i was watching and bored and i asked if i could mix it and the doc said yes and of course he was doing a million thigns at once and i didnt really believe he would let me do it..but then he brought all the stuff to the table and told the resident to to mix one and for me to mix one..and for the resident to explain/teach me as like a teaching thing for the resident!! i mixed botox!!! it was so cool and i didnt poke myself or anything and i followed all of the directions and everything..but my supervisor got incredibly nervous lol and made the doc stop me although i was doing fine :) she told me i was never allowed to do it again either but it was so cool while i got to do it my one and only time so far..know that ive done it i dont think ill need to ask again :P i really just wanted to try it cas it looked incredibly neat and i just wanted to play with the long needle too..but i did it and for like 5 mins i had everyone watching me and it didnt bother me at all since i was so focused on doing it correctly..then i got back to the office and told cindy and lousie and would have told the others at the staff mtg but janet so told me not to do that...for some reason i didnt clue in to that not all docs would be comfortable with a student handling stuff..but i followed everything like i was supposed to and didnt mess anything up so it worked out..i really think thats like one of the coolest things ive ever gotten to do in my incredibly depressing short life.at the same time i told one of the head docs at the clinic and he didnt have a problem with it :) so not worried aall and it was still cool and its prolly horrible english to say cool so many times in one entry! ok enough about that...im half watching the little mermaid right now and thats really nice too..and i went to coldstone without getting ice cream..and that took ever ounce of strength i could drag up..coldstone is seriously my favoritest palce in the world but after everything i ate today and i just couldnt get ice cream..i wasnt hungry either but walking into coldstone made me forget that andi just wanted ice cream..and i was annoyed at myself for not giving in and just getting some..the longer i set in there watching yvonne eat her ice cream and other ppl coming in and getting ice cream i was positive i would crack and hate myself for it..i stared at the ice cream looking compeletly depressed im guessing and i just wanted someone to feel sorry for me really and buy me ice cream..but nope..i lasted untell the guy walked in yelling about fresh french vanilla ice cream..and then i told yvonne we had to go..and we left and it was ok..still faintly sad i didnt get ice cream but ill get over it...how sad is it that im completely going this indepth about freaking ice cream?!! who cares so much...but anyway then we went to the grocery store and my unusual obssession started..but i didnt buy junk food..maybe not being hungry helped..maybe not being able to waste a lot of money on food helped i dont know..not a lot seemed really interesting today.. i once again got yogurt that ill have to force myself to eat..if it kills me and it prolly will..yogurt is just ugh..but anyway..one more thing to just choke down and get it over with...i found this pills..which so count as diet pills but they do stop the hungry feelings for short amts of time...for now ive only taken up to two a day and the limit is 3 so im following the directions and what not..hmm anyway..not to ramble about nothing...the chef in the little mermaid is so violent its funny

stupid stuff

all the school shootings are getting really depressing...everyday there is someone else who has been killed for some reason or someone just trying to make a point...i was watching heroes tonight and the news commercial came on and with the happiest voice she put that there was a murder today and that the weather was going to be sunny tomorrow in the same sentence..it was completely shocking in a stupid way because im sure its been done a million times before and i just never noticed it until tonight..there is a way they put news stories up and it just doesnt make sense right this minute..

forgetting

i didnt have to go to campus today for class since it was online and that was really good since i wasnt feeeling like going anywhere anyway..wimped out and didnt go to the bank..or do anything until yvonne asked if i needed to go anywhere..so i went to target and got a barbie movie..and yes i completely feel my age buying a barbie movie for myself..and im so buying the little mermaid tomorrow..so i might as well buy them all now and yell at myself to grow up later after i have them...mommy asked if i would come home this weekend coming up..dee needs a babysitter and suddenly yea thers someone to come and get me...trying not to consider everything that could ha ve happened since i can use the extra money thanks to losing a bunch last week..but anyway trying to figure out what ill have to do to go home..because i dont know if i can leave early or anything..prolly could but hmm dont know...and then of course i have to figure out what dusti will be doing while im not here...

i am talking more with yvonne about the usual stuff..went to hallmark and found end of the year/christmas gifts for janet and cindy for letting me work with them for a semester and i think they will like them..but at least that will be one less thing to worry about when it gets to december and ill have all this other stuff thrown at me..ive been forgetting stuff..i seriously cant remember if i took my vitamins this morning..i know ive been taking them but i dont have a real set idea as to when i last took them..and since i cant remember i dont want to just take more and its to late now anyway..as much as i want to say i did take them today and yesterday and the day before that i dont know..i dont remember what i did last week..and what i did over the weekend is just one big blur not counting going to the movies..what have i been doing with all of my time if i cant remember anything..like ok yes i wake up and go to work in the morning and then i come home and do what? everything is running together big time..

you say
saving jane

I've been calling and calling for you
But you answer and I shut my mouth
I've been searching and searching for you, but myself I don't want to be found.

You say I am
You say let go
You say believe
But it's not that easy for me
You say wait
You say right now
Don't you see your already one foot in the ground
You say

I've been wicked and wild and wrong and I've wondered the price of my shame.
I've been hiding my face for so long it's a wonder that you know my name.

You say come home
You say I'm here
You say there's some things you just can't control.
You say let me
You say believe
Why do you search for the answers you already know?
You say

I am the way
and the light and the truth
Don't be mislead by the flight of your youth.
Have faith in the things you can't see to believe.
what if you had faith in me?

You say rest here
This is your home.
Don't you see that you knew I was here all along?
You say

bored...

today has been slow..didnt really do anything..watched a movie..started another book without finishing the two others ive half way through..didnt really clean anything up..got antsy and took a half a bubble bath and then a shower...im not a fan of baths and so the bubbles entertain me enough to keep me sitting still for a little while at least...now im fixing dinner and waiting until its time to go to bed..theres nothing coming on that im dying to watch tonight so ill have to pick out a movie and be happy with that..the little mermaid comes out again this week..and im really cant wait for that..i have it all planned and somehow on tuesday ill make it to a store so that i can buy it!! i still want to get barbie and the dancing princesses a lot...but for sure im getting the little mermaid since ive been waiting for it for like forever. still no car for me and im just getting ready to tell mommy to stop wasting her time and wait until i go home for fall break..but then she will swear im being ungrateful and selfish and ill get yelled at but still wont have a car...if i dont have it by the 9th then ill have to start figuring out a way to make it to my appt...dont really know who to ask since i have no idea where its at anyway..i have an idea of the area but i really have no idea ...its not like im trying to be right or anything but im tired of waiting around for nothing..not that i had any way of going anywhere but i do spend all my time waiting for something thats not going to happen it seems..still feeling sick but im hoping ill be ok with that soon too..i dont have my class tomorrow and that makes me feel better..i juts really have to go to the bank so i can change money around in accounts before i have to pay anything off my reg one..so ill prolly do that tomorrow afternoon..depending on what time i wake up..but since i get paranoid so easily i may have to go early i nthe morning..i want to go and pick up some canvas's..ive been really wanting to paint but i noticed a lot of my paint things are empty..just more money to spend i guess..but ill have to see what i can get tomorrow if i can.. this morning i woke up and read a message about how hard it is to deal with what causes cutting and such..and i ran through my usual who cares thoughts but after that i thought about how tired i was of all of it...maybe you just have to get to the point where you dont see how things can get any worse and you just have to start dealing with all of it no matter what happens...i dont know what happens and im not really sure ill be able to handle anything but im tired of all of it staying in my head..it drives me crazy..i dont know though..i keep wondering why it is i cant figure what i want to do when i graduate...im guessing it prolly has something to do with not being able to get around the past...as i was thinking about the benefits of staring at the wall while i was in the tub earlier i started thinking about why i always do whats expected of me and what im told to do..why doesnt anyone ask me what i want to do? why dont i ask myself? why dont i listen to the people who do ask me what i want to do? gotta love questions i cant answer