forcing myself to stay awake

i need to be in bed..but i got sidetracked once again goingo ut with yvonne and then coming home and messing with pictures and watching a movie that i really liked and so im glad i bought it...spent some time in barnes and nobles reading a really intersting physch book about adults abused in childhood and it had my attention for a good while..i wanted to buy it but didnt because i didint have the money on me..maybe ill go back and get it..or most likely find a copy online if i really want it..went out for dinner and to a few stores..got my pictures from walgreens and instead of paying over 60 for them i got them for 20ish...307 pictures for 20 bucks..lucky me! hmm arm is doing really good from when i cut the other night..i didnt do a lot or anythin serious so im not worried about them and they should fade out pretty fast..im getting a cold and spent all day long sneezing up a lung in the hospital...cindy finally gave me some sinus meds but it didnt really help..i was still really foggy and out of it for most of the day but i didnt leave early or anything for it...went and said hi to the kids onthe floor that are used to me.set up a few appts for the rest of the week...managed fin aid stuff i hope...missed my advisor and had to email him..im really hoping that the hurricane thats supposed to be coming doesnt..and i should watch the news and find out whats going on..

something is making me really nervous and i dont know what..if i stop moving i get anxious and cutting has been in my head since i got out of the bookstore but i dont really want to because im afraid it wont help...its to late to do to many things but the meds i took are kicking in and ill be out in a little while..so many things are in my head right now that i cant get rid off..i want to talk to prof dunn but i cant and im really worried ill have to have another teacher meeting with like 50 teachers and me..i dont like the whole isolated feeling im getting and i miss the safety of camp and just want to go back...at least there i wasnt completely in the real world and i didnt have to worry about more than i could handle at a time...but now im back in school and i just worry all day long...because of what i read in the bookstore i have a lot of unanswered questions in my head...and i really want someone to blame it on but i just happen the be the only person around yet again..still majorly easy to blame things on myself but now i dont have a way to stop it...im trying really hard to drink more water again because i can tell i was dehydrated for a couple days and made myself drink...im trying to remember to take my vitamin in the morning and eat breakfast so i dont forget..so two morning in a row can be considered a small good thing i think...im not purging but im getting really close to being back under a 1000cals a day...and i count cals enough when i want to to know that its not a huge issue as long as what im eating isnt junk food...but still i know that under a 1000 is still considered starving which i refuse to let myself forget since i found it out...and i dont know if im trying or if im just doing it but i dont really care...im sitting here now and have been for the past couple hours talking myself out of eating anything because im not supposed to eat after like 6:30..i would push it up but im still around the hospital at 5 and if im cooking i need the extra time..and today was a fairly low day cal wise..but ill be ok..im guessing that since cutting doesnt work anymore i can do other stuff but i go back and forth between purging and not eating way to easily..and i dont want to purge just because it makes my nose bleed so not eating is next...im working really hard to control it without going overboard..next question would be and how will i recognize when ive gone overboard?! im really quite stupid at times and i should know better and i do know better..and i still refuse to see any of it..i could ignore it until all of it managed to kill me and i did use to think that would be ok...but i havent died yet..tried but nothing seems to work..and now of the tries were serious in the slightest but still..and i think im just making myself paranoid...and since i have to be up in like 6 hours i better go to bed and pretend to sleep

things arent looking so rotten

today was busy...really really busy..i woke up early because i needed to go get index cards and finish stuff before class..which i got done..i got my homework done and got the cards i needed...i went to class and it wasnt bad..i went and got copies and faxed my license to the insurance place...and then ran into dr bass and talked to her for a little while before she had class..went and talked to dr miller about a bunch of stuff...went to fin aid and talked to them and now i have fin aid! that made my day completely...i know im not drinking enough though because i was walking around all day and started to get a headache but it just made it worse since i didnt bother really stopping for lunch..but i now have fin aid and i finished most of what i had to do today..so now i just have to get ready for the rest of the week...still really disappointed about cutting last night..and it didnt help at all really and i dont know what im supposed to be doing..is it even possible to be really mad at cutting...ifs its possible or not i am..im mad at it for changing and not letting me know about it..and its not suppose to change without me doing it or wanting to do it..and it just sucks oh well i guess..just really confused again

stupid

i should have tried harder and i didnt ...if cutting doesnt help anymore then i dont know what my options are

a million headaches

i have another headache but thats because i took a nap that i didnt need to take and when i woke up my head wouldnt stop hurting..i didnt take anything for it and now i getto suffer but its been happening a lot lately...woke up yesterday close to 8 and took a nap around 1ish and then was ready to take another nap by 6..not cool and instaed of going to sleep i asked yvonne to take me to get a soda since we were in the middle of our road trip and i was being horrible company since i kept falling asleep in the car...but we went on a road trip yesterday and went to raleigh and of course went to build a bear and the disney store and other random stores...allen and justin met up with us at the mall and we went out to lunch together and that was ok..justins not bad and we get along ok but all the same nothing is going to happen..i met allens parents yesterday and im actually starting to get more comforatable being around him...we spent the night at allens house and i took justins bed and i tried to get out of it but he wouldnt hear it so i got his bed for the night and its incredibly weird sleeping in someone elses bed and after i stopped freaking out about it i fell asleep and it was ok...we came back this morning because mommy was supposed to be bringing my car but of course that didnt work out and still no car for me and no idea when ill be getting it and its really starting to suck..but i should have expected things to not work out like they were supposed too...but yvonne has been really nice about taking me places and to work and everyhting and i give her gas money when i ask to go somewhere...we are going to see over the hedge tonight and that will be a lot of fun because ive already seen it and she hasnt but it was good and i think she will like it...on the way back from raleigh she told me that she was really glad i was in her life and i really wanted to not believe her and say that she was just saying it because i was sitting in the car with her not doing anything..but no she explained it out for me and i just got around to believing what she said..its still uncomfortable having ppl say anything good about me and i am trying hard to deal with it and not freak out completely...ive gotten better at it but i dont know...im still confused about the whole someones lying to me and i dont want to think about what is true and whats not because it just gives me a headache...i know the truth because im not a complete dork but ignoring it just isnt working out..because if i think about it long enough without being interupted i can come up with a heck of a lot of junk i would never bother telling anyone because it wouldnt make sense..the fin aid stuff is starting to worry me because i cant really do anything on campus and my class has once again been dropped and i dont have the time to get anything done..tomorrow is going to be so busy going back and forth trying to cram everything in and not being able to i dont think...class is at a horrible time tomorrow and i still have stuff to do for that class that i havent finished yet...i did manage to get all of my clothes picked up for the mpst part and i need to get dusti to the vet sometime soon because shes not drinking a lot of water and im worried but i havve to wait until i find out about school junk first..mommy keeps telling me not to spend any money because i might not be getting fin aid and i know that if i dont get any now my bank acct will be emptied and then i will have to go home every weekend to babysit and that wont work out either..as if i dont have enough stuff to worry about..yvonne is starting to get annoyed with mommy because i was making her rush back this morning because mommy didnt know i was out of town and i knew if she came and i wasnt there i would be in a lot of trouble and yvonne didnt get why it would matter..and after a while it gets hard explaining anything about how things with mommy works because it really doesnt make sense at all...i feel stupid trying to explain any of it because it does sound like its wrong after a couple mintues..and im used to all of it and it doesnt bother me until it starts to bother someone else..we also talked about my inablity to yell ..which still surprises the heck out of me..i say i yell and everyone else says i dont and that i couldnt yell if my life depended on it...yvonne says she has never heard me yell and ive lived with her for almost a year and a half now..she also told me last night that shes never been mad at me because i was watching rent and i asked her if she ever got mad at me would she tell me in a song...so then we got on the convo of that shes never been mad at me and that im a great roommate and friend etc etc...so it was an interesting ride back this morning...we got back and colored instead of cleaning and listened to music and played with dusti and fell asleep watching a movie before coming to campus..she also told me for the fifty millionth time that the shirt i was wearing was nice...and i told her so and she said ok but i know the next time she sees me in it she will say the same thing..but i was thinking about why i didnt really like it and of course i know i dont have much self confidence at all and maybe thats all of it..i mean theres really no point in liking myself when i always hear i need to change something or stop doing something..kinda puts a damper on things..but anyway havent been purging since the last time i did it while i was at home...trying hard not to cut but i think thats just turning into a losing battle..things are just starting to crowd in on me and i cant fix any of it so it seems and it sucks big time..im not looking forward to tomorrow at all...but i guess ill just ha ve to see how it goes..a routine is starting to fall into place so maybe it will help..

thinking to much

yesterday i started thinking that maybe my iron has dropped more than it needed too..and i have no idea where ive stuck the vitamins i was taking and im not that interested in buying more..but my energy is dead and gone...if i didnt have to be awake i think i would be sleeping the day away...i told yvonne i was gonna try coffee this weekend and she told me i would probably spit it out if i drunk it black..but i have every intention of trying it and if i start bouncing off the walls maybe ill clean up my clothes that are becoming one with the floor right now..but its really hard focusing when i just want to sleep but all the same i made it through my first week of being at the hospital and getting the badge was still my favoritest part..and im a dork but getting to open the locked doors is majorly cool for no real reason..but i learned my way around the rehab part and learned how to do an assment and got to go on a couple trips with the physical therapists and patients that were a lot of fun..and everyone is really nice and helpful...and im feeling more comfortable being there i think..confusing learning all the names but im being included and the nurses and ppl have no problem with me tagging along at random times...still its nice to have off the weekend cas it was busy and stressful without really being expected to do anything..and i get to take my care bear lunchbox which makes my day too..and i was never sure when i would get to use it when yvonne got it for me a while ago...but now i get to use it and it works out..but other than it its going ok i think..

im going to talk to dr miller on monday and im not really worried about it but it sucks that prof dunn isnt teaching this semester..i miss her although i dont think ill e ver tell her that ...but still its not cool not being able to drop by her office whenever i wanted to..being on campus once a week is different than being stuck there for most of the week all day and not doing anything...its ok at the hospital and everything but i miss having time to waste during the day...and i had more to write but im getting tired so ill do it tomorrow i guess

hmmm

ive decided that i really dont like being scared and nervous about something and i dont like not knowing what is going to happen..it sucks royally and its a pain in the butt...my first day at the hospital really wasnt bad at all..saw a lot and learned a lot and forgot every name i was told but other than that it was fun..a little overwhelming but nothing horrible and having information thrown at me all day is nerve wrecking and i have no idea how people get used to it...fin aid is still screwed up big time and i just dont know how its going to be fixed..working everyday wont be to bad...class is going to be a big stresser and being in the hospital all day is really weird..it still makes me nervous just going back and forth on the floors..i cant help thinking that someone is going to jump out and grab me and put me in the hospital and ill never be able to get out again..i walked by the pysch unit a million times today and i asked if i ever got to go there and janet said not really but i could if i wanted to and set up the shadow thing and i said it would be fun..but i have no idea why i want to go..ok so i do know..i want to know how it works and what i ts like..and when i wasnt completely weirded out by it i was positive that somehow i would end up there and it would be so weird being in the hospital you worked at even for a short time..and im being really confusing right now..my head is all over the place im guessing and im in the library and dusti is gonna be so mad at me for leaving her all day and i went out to dinner with yvonne and it was fun..we were going to go to a movie but put it off for a few days..im gonna be by myself this weekend and im not sure i want that..im confusing myself a lot right now

...

its alright to be scared to be doing something new... i think..im putting off getting out of bed because im nervous and i dont know what im going to be doing..i would rather juts stay in bed all day and pretend to clean my room and eeverything but i cant..i have to get up very soon since ive lost almost half and hour doing nothing..i shouldnt worry since im pretty sure everything will be fine but i will anyway

bite me

life sucks and then you die - forgot where i saw that at but it was prolly some place i didnt need to be

yvonne is annoying me by trying to fix me up with on of her friends and i could tell her now that it wont work but instead ill ignore her when she brings it up

i did nothing but drag all my stuff from downstairs upstairs and now my room and half of the hallway looks like a tornado hit it and im just stuck in the middle

ugh so much to do but im going to bed anyway

uneasy

good news - i got my license today ...for some reason i dont care anymore so i guess the newness has worn off..but i get my car in afew days and then things will be just peachy..

or not even close

so i find out that as of right now i dont have any fin aid..what the heck am i supposed to be doing exactly?? they are dumb enough to tell me that my appeal was approved and now they dont even give me fin aid?! all they keep telling me is to wait until the admin guy makes a decision..well good grief classes start tomorrow and i have to go to the hospital..i dont have time to get to campus at any time anymore before 5 and what am i supposed to be doing if im technically not sign up for any classes because i know my schedule will be cancelled again soon..no idea what im supposed to be doing or thinking..i emailed dr miller to see what he says to do and at some point ill have to call mommy and tell her ive some how messed things up again and that i ahve to come up with a lot of money like now..things just have a really funny way of not working out when i think they are going pretty well...i had to go to a meteing today about field stuff and all of it is really overwhelming now..im perfectly fine being in dr bunch's class because i like her and i know she wont let me slack off but i looked at the sylabus and it freaked me out..we are in class once a week but theres all these huge projects that have to be done...i dont manage my time well and i know that but just looking at everything thats expected out of me is nerve wrecking and it makes me really nervous..just because maybe i know ill keep waiting till the last minute and then screw up and not graduate..now that everyone expects me to graduate ill be dumb enough to do something that will have me taken out of the program because i dont know how to handle stress in a good way..im perfectly fine with all the bad ways really..they dont bother me any more at all..maybe its just because im sitting here thinking about cutting...almost four months down the drain if i do..but then i talked to jenny well emailed her and we have once again decided that purging is the same as cutting..done differently but pretty much the same and so i can say im not cutting but i havent stopped doing the not so good things at all..and if i havent stopped then there isnt anything at all keeping me from cutting if i wanted too...and i also know that at any time reality will set in and i will realize that everything i just wrote is completely stupid and doesnt make sense and i know that but ill just keep ignoring it until i cant anymore..and im really not in a good mood right now at all..i have so much to do in the apartmnet and instead im sitting here writing this instead of putting my stuff away and cleaning up..just looking at the living room and how much stuff i have down to put away makes me want to scream and cry its so overwhelming..i have no idea where to start and i dont really want too but leaving it all down will make me feel really guilty...i dont want to be by myself right now but yvonne is busy and not here and so its just me and dusti for right now...i want to talk to someone but suddenly i have no one to talk to anymore...for a while when i started to not feel great i really wanted the safety of camp back...i knew if i talked there i would be listened too and i could talk about whatever i wanted to with bobbi jo and i was awfully close to telling her about cutting..we talked about dieting pretty often and i didnt come right out and say i b/p but i told her i did things that werent great at all and i also told to lay of fthe diet pills because they arent good..so i really want her right now but that wont happe nand im stuck with my own company and i dont want it...kinda funny i can bother myself without really doing anything..i cant figure out what im feeling really..and everytime i stop moving i juts want to cry...as much as i dont like therapy i keep going and now theres once again the possibilty i get to get out of therapy all together...and that bothers just because i have the whole contract thing going on and i kinda have to stay in therapy of some sort..and i just dont know if i want to start ovver...given its been a really long time with one person but ok i dont care...first thoughts just werent good at all and i dont want to think it anymnore but its in my head now...and i keep thinking about what i told the kids over the summer about how they need to be really careful about what they say and how it will affect someone else because onces its said it cant be taken back anymore..and you cant expect people to forgive you when you have seriously hurt there feelings...and i dont want to hurt anyone just because im in a bad mood..and i have a headache

i miss them

i just miss everyone from camp

obsessions

ok so i guess good news gets to go first....i found out today that im going to see te lion king on broadway in raleigh in oct with riley and harris and dee etc..she came in this morning and told me i needed to go and look up tickets for her and some other people and that i was going too..talk about surpirsed!!i asked her if she was serious and she was since im the one who got her credit card to buy all the tickets and i could drop dead for the amt of money she paid for those tickets but it doesnt hurt me any to agree to go..considering ive wanted to see the show since it came out like 6 years ago and ive never made it to ny to see it and when it was here i never got the chance to go and im sorry but i couldnt just shell out almost 200 bucks for one ticket! no way in a million years could i have done that..all the same i didnt have to pay and im going and it will be in oct and its not even like it can be taken away from me..mommy isnt in it at all..riley and harris want to go because i want to go...we talked about it today and seriously i watched the lion king every single weeked for almost two years and they watched it with me...i didnt make them or anything but it just kinda worked out that i liked it enough for all of us and so they watced it because it meant i was staying at there house instead of going home..if harris had his way i would never leave..riley told me today that i should go to cape fear so i could stay and babysit every weekend..dee always tells me i should transfer and just get a job being a nanny..and given the money is great and all i just dont want to be a nanny..i like kids and i like working with them but not as a nanny..riley and harris are in there own catergory since ive watched them grow up and im comfortable with them and them with me..why they like me so much ill never ever understand but i guess thats one of those things i dont need to look into too much becuase i dont know..if i ask them its simple stuff like because im fun and play with them and i know i dont do anything with them but what they see and what i see are the same in different ways..some day soon when i reread all of this i will wonder why in the world im feeling so incredibly mixed up right now..slighty sick and off but good grief im not getting my head today..yesterday was a really bad day and by the time i got home i had decided i was going to burn and nothing could talk me out of it..i wanted to cut but decided that would be way to messy to do at home..so it turned into burning and thinking about doing it made me incredibly happy because i was finally sure of something and not going back and forth..but then i get home and just didnt do it..got busy with other stuff and just stopped thinking about it really...i didnt do it last night and i didnt do it today but i did go and throw up..its depressing in so many wways..i wanted to stop and i almost thought i had and its all a bunch of lies..yesterday i started thinking that everything and everyone i saw and heard at camp was a bunch of lies too..everyone lies to me and it doesnt matter and what i want doesnt matter either because it iwll never be good enough..and i really want to believe all of that but i cant because i know bobbi jo and hollice didnt lie to me about anything..the fact that i could handle being touched and hugged without freaking out is enough to let me know i trusted them..everyone at camp i trusted not to hurt me in any way and no one did..almost three months of not being yelled at for anything is really good..i forgot for a wile that i was still a screw up..i ignored that i would have to go home and things wouldnt change at all just because i was gone..and the closer it got to going home the more i worried and the more i wondered if i would really be able to handle being back at home without doing any of the things i worked so hard to stop...it took less than two hours to remember that things dont change just because i really want them too..less time than that to remember i still suck and that doesnt really go away..and a couple days for the same old thoughts to set back in because i hear it all the time and have to agree with all of it because it makes no sense to disagree..three words to describe me at home weird, mean and selfish...three words to describe me at camp confident, dependable and determined..where has that person who lasted at camp gone?? i cant find any of the things they told me at camp anywhere in myself...i could i change so much in just a week..everything i thought i had figured out and dealt with has walked away..my head is always a back and forth battle because i try to hold on to what little bit of fun and safety i had at camp but im not at camp anymore and things arent the same either...the nicest thing ive heard since ive been back is that im not a bad driver but i still need practice...i have a whole list of things i need to work on and change though..its not that hard to see which side gets to win out..and i could fight it and disagree and for a while i refused to let go of all the things bobbi jo told me and how much i surprised her when i asked her if i was a bad person..but even that is starting to slip away..i remember what she said, i remember what they all said but its not that same when im not sitting there looking at them tell me...i believed them while i was at camp and it was fine there, i dealt with all the compliments and good wishes without disagreeing to any of them because i worked my butt off..tamara told me i had every right to brag because i had done a good job and i should be proud of myself...jim called me a goddess all summer long and wit hhim it was fine..what do they see in me that i dont see or believe..i know what they see in me but i cant believe it..not believing it though calls all of them liars and i dont want to do that..they dont lie to me..i asked bobbi jo to kidnap me before i left to go home..it was bobbi jo and hollice who stayed up and drank with me while mommy was two buildings away...i told bobbi jo my dreams and i asked tim about being a failure vs working hard..i let beth tackle me in the pond and got a million batteries from aaran for my camera..i would have never done any of that 3 months ago much less think about all of it and be happy..telling riley and harris about everything i did at camp is fun..its no big deal that i spent the better part of every week covered in paint or food..im not allowed to wear my sneakers anymore because theres paint and other junk on them..mommy tried to make me throw them away but i told her i wouldnt because they were signed and i wanted to keep them..so now im forever banned from wearing them...everyday i get up and do the same thing and still mange to get in trouble..my mosquito bites are a big issue..i keep scratching them and part of it is just a bad habit and part of it is because i like it in some weird completely not good way..i was seriously eaten alive and it shows big time on my arms and legs and it was my fault for scratching so much and im the only one who can be blamed for it..but mommy just keeps making me feel guilty for having more scars..no one will want to be around me because i have a million mosquito bites and it looks like i ahve some random disease..i would have thought it looked like i juts scratched my mosquito bites but i guess im looking at it wrong..i didnt realize working in the hospital would be such a big deal..who really cares what my finger nails will look like or if im wearing something new or something old...i have a million new clothes and shoes because im trying to make a good impression but i dont care..if its going to be this much of a hassle i dont want it..why have a job ill hate before i ever get to it..no point in graduating if ill have something standing right there to tell me everything that i might do wrong before i ever have the chance to do them...so much for having a chance to d o anything at all...im not trusted to do anything and what i do manage to do doesnt matter or count at all..no such thing as getting thanks for anything i do because its just expected of me..i have the time and so i need to use it well..if i do it fine but if i dont then im in trouble...if i forget im stupid or selfish..stupid and selfish should just be one word and save the world the trouble of attaching it to people..maybe ill get them tattooed on my arm and save mommy the trouble..i dont think she gets that i dont handle being at home well atall..she still thinks i started cutting because of school..prolly wont ever watse my time telling her the truth because i dont think she would believe me...for all the people who tell me im a horrible liar just havent seen me with mommy at all..i could drop dead tomorrow and it wouldnt matter at all..it wouldnt be noticed either..i would bet that mommy would have it fixed before i hit the ground and no one would ever know..i could just disappear and itwould be like i never existed...i had to deal al ot with control issues over the summer and i had the same conversation a million times..yes you are in control of everything you do and that no one can make you do anything..good or bad once its done you cant take it back...i told those kids again and again that it was up to them to change there behaviors and they swore they couldnt..but i kept telling them the same stuff until they listened to me and believed me..but im still a hypocrite in the worst way..i know now that i control what i do if i like it or not or want to admit it or not but i refuse to believe any of it..im still half expecting to be saved by someone..i still want to go away to get out of dealing with anything...the more i start to accept anything the easier it is to turn around and lose all of it..how many stupid times do i have to start at the beginning and do all of it over again..i knew better than purging today and i did it anyway because i had too..because i wanted too..i didnt cut yesterday or burn because i didnt reallywant too..thinking about it and planning it worked for what went on...i can sit there and hear how mean and selfish i am without moving ..tell me im good and ill want to go walk into traffic without looking back...it doesn make sense..i should try harder, i should want it more..i cant be wexpected to deal with a bunch of kids and there problems when i keep working really hard to ignore that i have any..all day today riley has been attached to my hip and hes forever rubbing my arms..and i keep moving my arm and pulling on my shirt because i dont want himi to get my sleeve to go up any more..i dont want to have to tell him i was in a car accident as a kid because there will be agood chance he will remember and ask mommy about it...especially after i tell him ive never broken a bone or been stitched up..not counting all the times i needed stitches and didnt get anyone..its my fault i have scars going everywhere across my body that i work hard for the most part to keep covered up...its stupid that it really offends me that mommy is trying hard to take away that control..i shopped perfectly fine before she ever knew about the scars and now i walk into a store and everyhting because a question about if its cut to low or will it cover my arms..i dont need or want the help...i bouguht shirts that i knew where cut way to low for me to wear without a jacket and then i got the bright idea to wear a regular tshirt under it to make sure my arms where covered up and it works fine..its not a big deal..but now all of it is a big deal andi dont know what im doing since i need help..im lucky i can still pick out my own clothes most days and thats even a hard won battle because theres forever something wrong with my outfits..i need to do this or change that...my head is going to explode one of these days..i watch myself take all of this and not do anything about it but keep breaking apart inside because its the only thing that works until even that turns into to much and i have to do something else...i wonder what will happen when i run out of things to do..where will i go, one of these days ill have to figure out that i cant be protected from myself beucase i cant escape myself..i have to live with everything i do but since im you know completely working on destroying whats left of my body just because i can i wonder if i can throw it away and get a new one
im sick of writing and tomorrow ill just be able to hate myself for staying up half the night

bored

really im so bored right now...ive spent all day doing nothing except straightening up while dee and them were gone but even that didnt take forever..so i watched tv and played online and just couldnt find anything interesting to do and no one was around to chat with...so im watching charlie and the chocolate factory right now..the new one finally and i really want to see finding neverland again...dee asked me the other night to find out when ill be out for holidays so she can plan the trip to disney world.. i cant beleive im actually going still..and i was asked to go to myrtle beach this week and i told her i wouldnt mind doing it if i got my license before i went...i got to drive to the store yesterday. oh granny is back now and in the hospital..mommy wanted her down here because driving to ohio just took to much..so she is here now.

back to reality

i miss being a camp..it was simple and we had the same schedule every single day..no surprises at all and nothing unexpected...kinda funny how easy it is to get used to that..but now its over with for a year and im back in the real world with all the stuff i got to leave behind for a good while...given i came to riley and harris's house today and they got back and ran to give me hugs...i did miss them..but also dealing with them isnt the same anymore..i spent 2 months working with kids who had serious problems and now its easier to see i guess the extremes kids can take when they are sad and so nothing else bothers me anymore...weird in some far off way im to tired to worry about right now...i should be sleeping but harris is taking over my bed rightnow and im working up the energy to move him..but i prolly wont so its no big deal..not to mention he wont be happy with me if i move him lol..

so camp stuff..really hard leaving and it was completely different from anything i have ever done in my life..when i went there i wasnt expecting to leave planning on going back..i didnt really think about the learning expriences or any of that..but theen i get there and never want to leave or that they would ask me to come back..but a lot of us are going back next year or planning on going back..white water rafting was my favoritest thing to do..rock climbing, the tower, and all the hiking was just really hard and tiring but worth it...my last great feat was rock climbing which linda even heard about..but i think ive scarred my knee up big time with that one though..but i did it and got to the top twice and paid for it big time the next day when moving was a pain in the butt...i keep wondering what all the staff are doing and if they are having fun...my last night was great though..i got my own closing ceremony and heard all of this stuff about myself that i never would have considered..suddenly im respected and and trusted by this whole group of ppl when i think i sucked most of the time...but hearing them istn the same as hearing someone else..because we were all stuck there together and i cant say i did something by myself because everything i did went back to admin really fast and i never got in trouble for anything..i wasnt yelled at for anything i did..instead they called it creative and staying on top of things..and the few times i did start to really doubt what i was doing..jon or arran out of the blue told me i was doing a really good job....i lasted throug all of it without cutting..scratched the heck out of every measly mosquito bite i got but i didnt cut..considered it but it wasnt really an option anymore..i dont think it will work the same but i wont hold myself to that either...now its just kinda wait for it to pass and then move on to something else...before i left i think i was hugged by everyone a million times and it was nice..of course then since it was my last night me hollice and bobbi jo were drinking in the laundry room when nia comes and tells me mommy is at camp..not that it messed anything up because i took her back to the swamp as soon as i could and went back but it was really unexpected but it worked out and so my last day was fun..leaving the girls was hard too..they woke up crying and promising to come back next year..the one we had the most trouble with will most likely be back next year..and it will be kinda cool seeing all of them or even some of them again..some i never want to see again but i will work with them if i have too...

hiking

today i get to leave for my last four day hike...not sure what to think about it since i really dont want to even go on this hike..im not feeling ready for it at all...but im going and we will finish and it will be over and done with and then it will be only like a week and a half before im going home.. and then a week before i leave to go back to school...im ready to go home though but back to my apartment kinda thing..i miss dusti and it will be fun getting to play with her again...working with the girls isnt that bad though..they are easier than the boys surprisingly but they give me a million headaches!...arran asked me to come back next year the other night and i would go between all the programs and i told him i would think about it...funny they really want me to come back next year..not that i have any plans anyway but still...i think it would be fun to live in asheville...

sucky day to leave for the hike though..not feeling good anymore and the dates just arent good at all but ill figure something out..

lots to tell

so ive finished my first two sessions at camp and last session was so so so hard...it really got to the point where i considered just leaving i couldnt handle everything that was going on and it was hard and it sucked but hollice and bobbi jo really helped with all of it..and i did feel better knowing all of us broke down once or twice and its not such a big deal..better to cry than do other stuff im guessing...but the kids went home today and i wasnt expecting to be so sad over it but just seeing the pictures of all of them and i miss them all ready..couldnt stand them most of the time they were here but i still miss them..and the more i say it sucks being here and it will suck going home im ready to go home..im also really considering coming back next year..so are hollice and bobbi jo..but still major cool that bobbi jo is in nc anyway! so im off for the next couple days and its weird having so much free time all of a sudden to myself! like no kids around and i can walk around any way i want too without having a million and a half eyes on me..suddenly being a role model is a lot of work..but not cursing or smoking is seriously good around kids..like they found out quick i dont like cursing around me..i can handle it with staff but not with a bunch of measly 11 year olds..the jerks but anyway they found out halfway that bobbi jo may smoke and the first thing out of there mouths is that shes not there role model anymore and they didnt like her..i mean good grief you would think the world was going to end tomorrow and bobbi jo was the cause of it...weird but i dont know..true they arent habits ive picked up but still no need to condemn the person who does it..but that really annoyed me with them..that and boys are a bunch of wimps..we had to do the 4 day hike this session and yea i did it once before but doing it again with kids is a lot different...i mean they couldnt carry stuff in there packs and they wouldnt walk and they cried everynight and i wanted to just leave them there or push them off the cliffs and i wasnt sorry when one was stung by bees because they were all just annoying me..here i am getting more stuff added to my pack and hating walking the more i did it and getting blisters and being sore just like them and i didnt complain..not once did i say a word to anyof them excpet to threathen to give them the god forsaken med pack i hated carrying that felt like it was a small child strapped to my body in additon to the 50pd pack i had on my back..and im working with girls next session and im ready for teh change...im a little sick of the boys..im tired of living with boys and how gross they can get really quick..but still im a bit worried about working with girls..yea im a girl but i could care less about makeup and guys and air head stuff..i like talking about movies and books and tv and random junk that wouldnt make sense to anyone else go figure..but still im working with bobbi jo and hollice again so it will work out somehow..and i kinda know one of the girls we have and shes a hand full..she was here for the first session and just watching her bothered me a lot...im ready to go home..like school home...i really really miss dusti and all of my stuff and being able to do what i want and getting to sleep till 9 and not eating 3 times a day..who knew eating on schedule can become mundane really fast..ugh..that doesnt make sense but im sitting here completely hungry and dont really want to eat camp food again...but i cant spend money either..so camp it is for now...

hmmm ive been at camp for a little over a month and a half..and really only three weeks left since im leaving the tenth of august anyway and then im going to try really hard to get abck to greenville as soon as i can..i really need to get mail and stuff i have no idea whats happening with the fin aid stuff..ugh its nerve wrecking not knowing anything..but anyway so ive been here for a while and ive talked more here than i have in my life..thats kinda what it feels like..i dont really have the option of not talking here because suddenly what i have to say really does matter and im asked what i think more than im just left to myself..if i dont want to talk i dont but more often than not i manage something to say..ive learned alot and not just about working with kids..i just kinda managed to pick up on a few things i needed to learn about myself..like i am a lot stronger than i give myself credit for and that being scared about something doesnt make it wrong and that giving myself a chance at something isnt the end of the world either...ive hiked a lot here and hiking is really good for thinking..and now i know there is a difference between working hard and failing at something..ive been thinking about my last homework assignment thing and im not afraid of it anymore..that ive thought about it much directly but just in general it doesnt scare me that much anymore..im still a bit leary of thinking about dying in a none dying way but just what would other people think of me isnt so scary anymore since i have people telling me all the time what they think of me and none of it is bad..i havent had anyone say anything bad about me the whole time ive been here...i get complimented more here than i have since i dont know when..the rocket i made once again was the best out of all the groups and tamara told me it was ok to brag and that i should brag because i was good at it..not in a mean way but because i am good at making those things and i like making them..i like hiking and i like rafting and i like all of this stuff i would have never considered trying in my life if i hadnt come here..ive been trying to find things that clear my head without a lot of hassle and i have that here...just without looking for it anymore i find it in stuff i wouldnt have considered doing ever in my life...and then i do it and like it and i can so it without stresssing about other stuff that bothers me..its not like i dont get stressed here becasue i do but i cant handle it the same way i usually do..the options arent the same and yea if i really wanteed to i could walk out of the kitchen wth a knife or a thing of salt but i havent..i dont think about it much anymore..i have so many bug bites the scars on my arm arent that important!! im being eaten alive here literally and bug sprays are a bunch of lies...i live in the stuff and i still get biten all the time..but anyway

funny how i can be so stressed out for most of the day and still manage to randomly think up other stuff..a lot of nights i just want to go to sleep but sometimes i want to do other stuff like write or read which im doing tonight just to get a break

kinda i dont know

'your silence will not protect you' bumper sticker


its been a weird few days..cried the other night because i was just way past being annoyed and upset..so i ended up just going off for a little while to be by myself but bobbi jo and hollice both knew i was crying..bobbi jo told me if i need to take a break to go ahead and so i did...cried for a while and then went back and still wasnt ok...but i just stayed quiet and didnt really talk to anyone for a while and ended up falling asleep and waking up feeling better but not great..like now im better but not completely...it took like a full 24hrs to get the viocodin out of my system..viocodin is just nice and beth gave them to me and i gave one to bobbi jo and it was ok..but still hmm hollice went out later that night and got me flowers and ice cream and sprinkles and some other stuff..and bobbi jo just listened to me...they both give really good hugs too..the touching thing is a little confusing here..like i still have my dont touch me policy somewhere but with the people im working with i dont mind them giving hugs..it really is all we have to give each other when things are hard...for a few days i was really thinking about cutting and when i couldnt do that i thought about burning and at the time i couldnt get anything to burn with..so i didnt..realy all thats left is crying or writing and i write all the time..i just didnt really care about the crying..and for as much as i dont do it and completely refuse to cry most of the time it just happened..i thought about stopping it and i did while i was in group and had to lsiten to all of it but after group i wasnt sure what i wanted to do anymore..so cry it was..and it wasnt a big deal...had i been at home it would have been a huge deal and mommy would have told me to just stop..she always told dont cry until i had something to cry about ..good grief i cried over everything for a while when i was younger..but that didnt last long either once i figured out crying wasnt the greatest thing to do because it just made things worse..so anyway..the kids for this session are just hard..i miss the younger kids..eventhough i still get to see tyler its not the same..he told me he would miss me when he went home and i told him i would miss him too..bobbi jo and hollice both tell me they learn so much..i had to talk to a kid who was being just umm having a hard day and getting aggressive and we had to make him go down the mountain and it was hard because it went from having fun to being incredibly serious in like minute..he threw the waterbottle and i just turned around and told him to go down and he refused to move so we picked him up and made him walk..we go for a while and he just starts talking about how he deserves to die and it was hard..i didnt believe him but just te fact that he said it made me realize he had thought about it before..but thinking about it and doing it arent hte same thing..still hearing some kid say that is hard..so we sit him down and i end up being the one talking to him..not that imentioned anything about being suicidal but just about how it is possible to control what you are doing and how you have to take responsibilty for what you do becasue no one else can..and when we were leaving i asked bobbi jo if she thought i did ok and she looked at me like i had lost my mind ..if it hadnt been so serious i would have laughed at her..but yea she told me that she was listening to me and wanting to change and saying how she had run out of stuff to tell him and that i did really good at staying calm and he was responding to what i was saying...hollice told me that in a way once before with tyler and its not that i dont believe them because they arent lying to me and i know that but its hard still hearing all of the positive stuff all the time..it just makes it that much more weirder because im not expecting it and im not asking for it...hmm so things are back to manageable..i leave for my four day hike on thursday and im kinda looking forward to it but not really..im worried about the kids we are taking on the hike but who knows maybe it will work out but im not expecting it to be the greatest thing ive ever done either..but at least i know i can do it this time..ive done it once what makes doing it again seem like such a big deal..and ive run out of stuff to talk about for now since i only have like 15 more mins before i have to go back to work!

been awhile

so camp is in full swing now..our first set of kids left yesterday and it was so stressful and some of the kids were just horrible because they knew they were going home and they played the i dont have to listen to you anymore card a heck of a lot and it sucked big time...i was so glad to get rid of a couple of ym kids but at the same time i already miss them and im worried about forgetting them..but my groups have changed too..this session im working with the 12 year old boys and im working with hollice and bobby jo and this session we are doing the four day hike and im already dreading it..but i guess it does make me feel better knowing that i have already done it and lasted through it in one piece so maybe it wont be so bad..still i will miss the little kids i had because the 8-11 year olds were fun too...so today is destress day and it is relaxing..heck i got to take a shower for as long as i wanted it to be and it was so srelaxing.. and im feeling better today..something was really bothering me last night and it hasnt completely gone away but its not so bad anymore..not really sure what it was but i guess ill figure it out soon enough..but all that matters for now is that i am feeling better...on the last night of the kids being here we had a closing ceremony thing and we all had to go around the circle and say something nice about everyone one at a time and it was fun and hard and unexpected..tamara and hollice had really nice things to say about me..tamara told me that i was quiet and calm and that was a good thing because i was thoughtful and not rushed to jump into anything..and then to make it harder we had to say something good about ourselves and i was not wanting to do that either but i did something i had learned instead and i said that i learned i was a lot stronger than i thought i would be..than i thought i could be..i have done a lot of things that i never would have ever in a million years considered doing..i talk more here than i have in my life and im listened too..just staff wise not kid wise because thats just something completely different..but people come to me asking for advice and just to talk..i really liked talking to jim and hollice and tamara and mina and just everyone..im still quiet but its not a bad thing...everyone says in paitent and once i did think i was but now im not so sure because i always feel like im just short tempered and who knows maybe i am patient..but camp is really more fun than i thought it would be..funny i dont mind being touched here like hug wise either..here its ok and needed and wanted and it helps...im so ready to go white water rafting again because it was a lot of fun and with al lthe rain we have been getting it will be so muc h cooler..but im alright if not a little off today but im nervous about tomorrow still..i think i will come back next year though..the kids i wasnt even working with them and they asked if i was coming back...maybe i will because i like it here..better than that maybe ill just move to asheville because i like it here..its quiet here and not busy and just overall really nice..and i should go soon since im slacking seriously on my summaries i was supposed to be writing like three days ago! but im fine even though i am being eaten alive by bugs..i got a skeeter stik yesterday and its cool becuase now i can carry it around and work on not scratching my bites...jim threathened to put me in gloves if i kept scratching because a bunch of my bites were just past being bites anymore...but its been almost two months with no cutting..i think this might be the longest ive ever gone without it! jim calls me goddess and has since the lifegaurd test but i dont mind because its kinda nice in its own way...but hmm things are cool here..the weather sucks a lot because its so hot and then it gets cold and then it storms for three days at a time..but things to do so im off..

ps if i see one more pb&j ill scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

camping stuff

ive been at camp for a little over a week or exactly a week and its been busy but fun and boring but tiring! ive gone up a mountain like 6000ft in the air at one point and it was so pretty and quiet and i got a bunch of nice pictures...i like everyone who works here and all of us counselors get along really well...ive done cpr and firwst aid training and got certified..i did the lifeguard stuff and swam the ten laps..i say twenty because of the way its counted but for the record i did what i had to to be certified...im not going to get certified though because im not comfortable doing some of the skills and i would hate to let some kid drown because i cant get comfortable in the deep water t ogo save them and im not a strong enouhg swimmer to save them..so i wont be certified this time..but the swimming stuff itsself was really really really hard..i was one of the last swimmers and so it ended up that everyone was just cheering me on and telling me not to give up and to keep going even though i wanted to stop and couldnt see because i kept wanting to cry i was so i dont know..by the time i was done there were people on both sides on the pool and everytime i went to one end all i could here was you know keep going and your doing great even though i was going so slow..i never ever want to get in another swimming pool as long as i live! im still really proud of myself for doing it though and everyone told me they were proud of me too and for some of the people who didnt finish i became like inspiration! still dont know how i managed that because i say i wasnt that great and i took forever to finish but knowing that i did it is ok for me at least for now..for some reason here its ok to be proud of myself for something ive done..i have other people telling me ive done a good job on something almost every day..more than once a day like they somehow know im not comfortable with it so they tell me and tell me and tell me until i am..i dont fight it so much here because i guess i know ive worked my butt off..last night was really hard because i found out that yvonne did osmething really stupid and now my bank junk is all screwed to heck and back and i cant do anything for it now..i dont know what to do for it and i dont even get paid for another couple weeks and jim saw me last night when i was almost crying and asked if i wanted a hug and i said no but he saw me this morning and asked how i was doing and i let him give me a hug..i wanted to cut, i planned on cutting but i didnt..i went and hung out in the art and craft room for a while and worked on the bad word jar i was making for camp and it kept me busy but it was quiet enough to lower my aniexty about everything i guess...still not feeling great but im not as upset as i was over it yesterday..im leaving to day fo ra four day hike with my group..all the groups go on a four day hike and im nervous about it but it helps knowing that everyone is nervous about it..i dont feel so alone...im still not comfortable having to do the fire stuff but matt said he would help me learn to light matches...so ill give it a try and hope like heck i dont start a forest fire because my method of getting them to light and then dropping them just might not be a good idea..but its like full out camping and we have to purify our water and umm bleach in water im not a fan of either ...but the people in my group know to remind me to drink my water and to keep giving me water until i do drink it..i actually finished more than 40oz yesterday! milestone for me considering ive still barely been getting more than 30oz of anything...eating is going ok i guess but i dont know..im actually eating tofu now ..not really veggies but im the only vegetarian in the group kinda and so everyone is forever asking why i decided to become a veggie person and everyone is still so supportive of it..i dont really stand out much..weird people come and ask me to help them with the knots we were supposed to learn be cause i caught on to them first..we do group every day three or more times a day, we have to make goals every morning and then they are checked on to see if we did them or not or how they were going..its not even that being positive is being crammed down my throat but it is a huge part of everything here...

like i could reall leave without writing..i dont think i would have made it out the door knowing i could have completely ignored mommy and thought up something to write but since im already getting yelled at ill make this quick..woke up feeling sick and of course got on line and got to talk to jenny for a bit .. still am and she always makes me feel better..so now im ok and slighty happy ..so im ok again and not really wanting to do anything but i know i need to fiinish pulling my stuff together so i can start cleaning up..so randomly i was thinking yet again about why im having second thoughts about camp and i guess it was one of those duh moments..some how i had been thinking around the problem that i still think ill leave and somehow ill be forgotten..two and a half months is a really long time to go anywhere thats not school and even thats a long time sometimes..but i have a few problems with thinking im going to be forgotten and it makes me nervous...i know im not the greatest person alive but i wonder how easy it would be to forget me...so now that i know whats actually bothering me im not sure i know how to fix it but ill figure out something...but im sure ill think about it plenty on the 6hour drive up there..ugh i hate being in the car for more than two hours now after that stupid chicago trip..and im back to complaining..so i think ill just go and finish cleaning up and what not

so not drugged

i should be in bed right now..but im way to nervous to sleep..im to nervous to think and im watching a fairly interesting movie about well something i didnt need to watch...and its well sad but has a good ending..so instead i watch dusti run back and forth and wonder if she will be ok without me...shes getting more used to everyone in the house because now she will come to the den with henry still in it..sure she still stays longer with just me but at least i know for a little while that dusti will be ok..after that i dont know but still hoping for the best at least..no idea what id do if i came back and found out dusti somehow managed to go away...so ummm i was thinking about how much i would agree to take anti anything right now..viacodin being way at the top of the list...prolly vailum next since ive done the prozac bit for a while and another one but yea viacodin would make it possible for me to handle anything and just be a smiling idiot while i did whatever i was doing..valium on the other hand would dull me out completely until i still didnt care but in a dead sort of way..but right this minute i dont care...i wouldnt take them anyway but thinking about taking them is keeping me from fidgeting off a cliff or something..im trying to sit still but i keep wanting to move or shake or pace or something but i cant because im just making myself worry more thinking mommy is going to come walking down the hallway and find out im still awake..but all the same ill have to go soon..and until im actually ready to leave i didnt think it would bother me so much...feeling seriously alone right now and i think i just made it worse than it had to be but mommy is working hard at getting to me and im trying hard not to let her.i dont want to give in..not now..i juts cant...not that i dont hear what she says but ifs she sint watching me like a hawk she ignores me completely unless she wants something.. soo i dont know..i just think i need to grow up and stop complaining..good grief ill settle for anything that will make me sleep right about now