back and forth

I dont need to make plans because i hardly ever stick to them..im supposed to be working on my paper and instead i spent the day shopping and spending money..i really didnt plan on buying anything and ended up wtih a bunch of stuff..i really want to be disappointed in myself but i dont want to cause i like what i bought and most of my money went to lunch anyway...yvonne and i went to olive garden..my idea incredibly because i dont like olive garden at all and iwas really just going to get breadsticks ane we ended up ordering appitizers and dessert..and it was fun and i poured diet coke into a wine glass and of course put my straw in it..and i even ate what i ordered and it was pasta free cas pasta is just kinda gross..yvonne ate some of what i ordered to because i wasnt eating it anyway..dessert was the best part..moinly because it had ice cream with it and i told yvonne i would bring my own sprinkles next time because olive garden doesnt have sprinkles for there ice cream..thats like me asking for ketshup at the hiabaci because i didnt like any of there sauces..then i fished the ice out of my drink by using straws as chopsticks and for the record that really just doesnt work..and that was aafter i spilled most of my drink swtiching cups..we went and looked at the kittens in petsmart and i got yvonne ballons and flowers for tonight and then proceeded to choke myself on the strings when i was walking out the door..we went to this really colorful store called pizzaz i think and she still managed to get me something without me seeing her..now i have princess tape :) that im so gonna stick all over the place...went home and changed for tonight and now im in the computer lab wasting time...its been a really busy day but fun too..i seriously think me and yvonne somehow complete each other..im her quiet side and shes my uninhibited side...and i got a new coloring book today and candy i didnt really need but got anyway..looked at stickers and posters in the craft store..talked about getting married and naming kids..odd convos..i think i was poked with a breadstick..and i did the usual and called most of the food on the menu gross

i dropped by prof dunns office today because i was trying to waste time while yvonne was doing some class work and i didnt really have anywhere else to go and of course she was in her office today and so i ended up talking to her...and now ive been stuck thinking about what she asked me..last time i was in her office i asked how old she was and i knew she had an older son and i had an idea of how old she was but i was still off .. she doesnt look her age at all, she looks so much younger infact, like not my age but not much older than me..and if i didnt know she had kids i would have been a lot more off with her age but anyway..she asked me how old i felt emotionally..the problem wasnt that she asked because i have thought about the subject before but its that she kinda implied i would say a much younger age than i was..and i didnt give her an age because i didnt want to and i had to think about it but the first age that came to mind was like 9..and riley is 9 and i know how he acts and well it doesnt really fit...so i said i didnt know and we talked about how like sometimes a kid can stop growing emotionally if something traumatic happens..and ive heard it before but its still a lot different coming from a teacher..i swear she seriously wants to know more about me and i dont plan on telling her much more than she knows and i dont even know a lot of myself..but anyway..thinking about it makes sense..more than i want it to because it wouldnt take a genious to figure out that im not socailly where im supposed to be at..emotionally it would take a little longer to figure out..and just knowing me in general wouldnt give that info away..like today i got yvonne a disney princess ballon and she told me that coming from me it makes sense..i know most of the pixar and disney movies by heart and yvonne knows that..she also knows that me and mommy dont really get along great..yea everytime i come back i have more clothes than i know what to do with but still..now im worried that maybe im childish and i really want to ask yvonne what she thinks because she knows me the most on a person to person basis because well i live with her..i could ask some ppl online but it wouldnt be the same becasuae they know me kinda by what i do and then by what i like..the ones i talk to alot know me a little bit but still its not the same as seeing someone everyday...besides yvonne hasnt ever told me i needed to grow up or change..sometimes when im in a bad mood ill tell myself that but i dont really mean it..im not really sure what id be if i really grew up...i know i havent not counting body growing..im stuck in some kid phase i just dont know which it is..maybe a part of it is denial because everyone seems to want to talk about that lately..like im really aviodiung something i dont want to see or deal with and eventually it will find a way out and i even try to ignore that and end up cutting or something..so it doesnt make any sense..if i know im doing it then why wont i stop..maybe not stop but why cant i see what im doing...hiding from reality doesnt work because when i do that i forget about all the good stuff i get to do..like going out with yvonne was fun..that really happened and there was nothing to change about it..but i dont know if ill remember it..i dont want to forget it but sometimes my head just has a mind of its own..and once i start grouping things together for whatever reason i start losing stuff in a way...i can hide stuff from myself but then iforget where it goes or how to get it back..somethings i know like the cinderalla clock, the march of the penguins posters, the princess stuff, the jack jack attack book..those i know i got and i remember them..but i dont remember what happened last year or the year before that or ten years before that..not really specfic things..more general stuff i guess..i dont know if im afraid to remember anything or if i just forget because i can..or maybe i dont forget at all and its all still in my head i just cant find it or recall it if i needed too..so in so many ways i am such a kid and as much as i might like it -end that thought for a sec- i want to be protected from being hurt and for some reason i dont see that happening as an adult..i want to stay a kid because that means there will always be someone there to make sure im ok..even if it doesnt happen the thought is there..i cant protect myself and in truth no one else does but still sometimes it just feels like im being looked out for..yvonne does it alot and her mom too..catrina and janet do it and in a way so does dr bass and prof dunn and dr miller..i think ive mixed up caring and protection..i know if anything really happened they couldnt do anything to stop it..but on a day to day basis i know that if i needed something they would help..and so that means my docc would protect me in a way too..i dont know..yvonne really has no idea how much she helps me without her knowing it..and i know that one day i will tell her..maybe all of it too but she does so much that i dont ask for that i really appreciate and randomly need and i have no idea what i would do without her..we talked about what things would be like if we never met..she said im her favorite roommate and that she would rather live with me than anyone else..and its not that i was looking for that when the convo started but still it was nice to hear...i dont want to lose that and i think if i change i would..llike suddenly i would be expected to do things by myself without help and deal with everything..like suddenly no one would care anymore..even if most of the time i dont even want anyone to care..and for some reason hearing that someone likes me makes me incredibly nervous..i told prof dunn today not to tell me why she likes talking to me..i tell that to dr bass too..i dont know why riley and harris prefer having me at there house..not my fault no one will play with them..yea they have my attention when im there..and riley and harris hug me so much..and as much as i hate being touched..ive gotten better about it..with those two it doesnt matter if i want to be hugged or not because they do it anyway..i think im just rambling now..im thinking of something that is just staying right out of my awareness..just writing until i can find out what it is kinda..but i ahve to go soon too so who knows..hmm back to the childish thing..maybe im lacking in the emotional dept more than i thought i was..and i call it not growing up but its all the same thing and all of it just has to be connected..cant work on one without everything else having to come up..not even going as slow as i possibly can and not talking about anything can stop any of it...all the stupid nights im afraid to sleep or like last night when i take enough meds to make sure i sleep or the nights i have so much going on in my head i cant sleep even if i want too..acceptance doesnt mean approval and thats something else im not getting..if i want to get to the bottom of everything then i have to accept it but that means i would really have to stop avoiding the truth..thats all i do..everyday all day..i dont think about what i know to be true..instead i make of other stuff or tell myself it didnt happen or say its all a lie that ive some how made up..but why would i make it all up? even yvonne picked up on how mommy treats me that last time she went out with all of us..if yvonne can see it then why cant i? why does the truth have to be so scary..why is it that i can completely go away when i dont like something? sometimes i worry i wont be able to come back..like i can go far enough away and get lost in my head..and then what would happen? what will i do? where in the world would i be? i dont want to get lost in my head..there are places even i refuse to go and its my head so that means i put what ever is there in there in the first place..and still sometimes im afraid of what i think about..i dont know how i can have so much going on in my head and still function every day..sometimes i wonder if i can get better..i wonder whats really the point of having to deal with all of this..why doesnt ignoring it work anymore..i dont think i will handle the truth well at all so i keep avoiding it..which i need to remember to write for my little homework thing im still putting off...its ok to comfort a kid and tell them everything will be ok..lie or not you still tell them that..and i want that..i dont think i ever got it because everything was my fault..everything is my fault..everything keeps being my fault and i dont know why or how to stop it..somehow ive gotten back to thinking i dont deserve to be helped..and i know i do make things incridibly difficult when they dont eneed to be..but letting it be easy doesnt seem right either and its not..none of it is easy and iwish it was..the scars on my wrist refuse to fade this time..

sunday

not sure this will be long at all..gave in and took something for my headache and im just hoping that it will put me to sleep for the night..im back in greenville and i came back with carmin and that was fun..and i hung out with henry and nia and one of her friends today..got a new cd that ive been listening to all night..and of course the song is just depressing but i still like it..not really sure why i have such a headache but its making me feel sick..the blister on the back of my foot just isnt getting better..i think it might be a little bit infected but im not sure but all the same i put meds on it and covered it back up and hopefully it wont feel so bad in the morning..all the walking on it lately with sneakers on just isnt helping it im sure..but i still say its to cold for flip flops..so sneakers it is painful or not...im trying hard not to be really mad at yvonne but i got home about 2 or 3 hours ago and everything is just a mess and most of the time it doesnt bother me so much because i leave my fair share of stuff all over the place..but today it just bothered me a lot and it upset me because i knew she was having company this weekend and i know shes doing her play this weekend so shes really busy but i just still think she should have straightened up a bit..if i ever ever have a boyfriend i really hope i dont change..i know when i see her tomorrow she will say sorry for leaving everything a mess but all the same i stll cleaned up..no point in just doing part of it and leaving the rest so i just did all the cleaning ive been putting off and got caught up i guess..now im tired and that may have had something to do with my headache too..i really hate that cleaning is so ingrained into who i am..as much as i hate doing it, i still do it without thinking..part of it is just me thinking i have to because if i dont ill get in trouble..part of it is just boredom..part of it is calming..and even all the time it takes for me to talk myself out of it..ill get around to doing it and as much as i hate to admit it im good at it..sometimes having everything in order just makes me feel like ive accomplished something..still i could swear at any moment mommy will show up and start yelling at me for forgetting to do something or how my room is because yes i cleaned the rest of the house but i didnt clean mine..everything is still on the floor because im just not feeling like cleaning right now anymore..my room always gets slacked off on because its not like anyone will be coming in here but me..i feel like im complaining alot right now and i dont want to..even though i was at home kinda i still had a fun weekend with riley and harris..i got to do a bunch of stuff and see laura..still the last part was benig around mommy and that just really can make the whole weekend suck..im going home agani in like 3 days..and not even knowing mommy wont be home doesnt make it any bettermedicated sleeps are the best..bedtime before all my words start running together

long day

major headache right now..but im going to go take something for it in a little while...a bit weirded out with all the people here for the garden tour and the ones who takes it upon themselves to just walk right in to someone elses house..not that i would waste money to look at a garden becasue its not my thing but oh well..its not my money either..but thankfully its getting ready to rain so im not complaining..its been a long day though..woke up early and went to the parade and then hung out downtown at the fair and of course ate funnel cakes and ice cream...went to the movies yesterday to see ice age 2 and the movie was funny..the neurotic squirrel being the best part and crazy sid ..had ice cream..in the process of teaching them phase 10..and im getting paid to house sit so of course im online..still really missing dusti. hmm bit dejected dealing with mommy but ill deal with that later..im actually ready to just go home but ill have to stick it out..

thanks to nia i now like saving jane and more of james blunts songs..my favorite being goodbye my lover for now..ill have to d/l all of those songs when i get back online again with my computer..mojorly disappointed ive been forgetting to take my vitamins..ive been forgetting a lot of stuff lately..sucks i missed my meeting on thursday..so a lot of things suck right now...but i saw some ppl today i havent seen in a while and im so tired all i want to do is go to sleep..ive gotten dehydrated without meaning too again...been happening alot lately and maybe the weather has something to do with it since its been so hot lately..dont know but now i have to really watch what i drink..because drinking to the point of being sick prolly wont help anything.

i miss dusti..its lonely here..everyone has something to do except me..without dusti i have no entertainment..i dont sleep great without dusti walking all over me or taking over the bed or looking out the window..i know shes ok with yvonne but still ill be glad when i get back..but then i know its prolly better to leave her with yvonne because well mommy just doesnt like her at all..so i dont know..same old stff..change this, you suck, stop that..and i need an on and off switch for my head

oh well

ever get the feeling that no one listens to you..its like mommy just flat out ignores what i told her last week..i already had plans tonight and i told her i couldnt go home until later tonight and now its like i never said it because she will end up here before i even get out of class and then i just have to go home..and i will end up missing my meeting because i guess it wasnt important enough to remember..good thing i told yvonne i couldnt go see her play tonight..i would have missed it either way..but im going on monday and that works out better...all of it is depressing..im expecting her to call and tell me she is sending someone else up here and i nneed to be home and ready..that just made me mad and so i ended up having to rush and get everything done and they were later than expected anyway..going home is to much work sometimes..to much effort to try to not listen and take out the important stuff without holding on to the stuff that just gets me in trouble..so i woke up early and did laundry and now im home between classes so i can get everything packed and in order..then i have to go to my other classes and maybe my meeting depending on when she decides to head up here..then i dont know..the more the day progresses the sadder i get..without any real reason..im back to really wanting to cry without any real reason...trying to keep my head as empty as i can just because it makes things a little easier..i have to keep reminding myself that cutting is bad and maybe i wont do it today at least and to keep busy im in the process of shooting silly string at my door..not my smartest idea since now i have it all over the floor too b ut it was entertaining and now dusti is studying the door trying to figure it out lol..guess ive wasted enough time..gotta go something productive..but watching part of narnia again looks way more appealing. that prolly goes to avoiding but i havent finsihed thinking about that just yet..got sidetracked yesterday and stopped working on it..i want to go to sleep..i dont want to go to class and ill suffer through going home because i said i would and ill be getting paid for most of my time at home..but still home is i dont know..i still dont think its right to not want to go home..ill be stuck spending the rest of the day listening to my head argue..makes me think of watching a tennis match...two sides, one for and one against and there is way more in the against side than the other one..the for side hardly ever wins but its still alwaqys the same fight, same argument, even if the against side wins nothing happens..more often than not i think that side gives up after a while..at least im not suicidal this time...not great but ill get over it.i always do after a while

might as well do the easy one

today was umm long..lost my phone and freaked out until i found it again and i just left it on the bus..and it wasnt that i even lost my phone that bothered me..it was that i would have to tell mommy if i didnt find it..kinda warped way tto look at it but it was the first thing i thought about after of course i yelled at myself for losing it in the first place..but i found it without any trouble and went and bought chronicles of narnia and now im watching it..walking is still a major pain in the butt and i cant walk around in flip flops with bandaids covering the back of my feet..so im just hoping it will get better before saturday..i found out i might be going to the circus and that would be a lot of fun..ive taken them before and they loved it..i thought it was great too and i think that was the first time i went to the circus..so home it is..hmm still dont really want to go but its just for a couple dayss...next week ill have to worry about when it gets here..and once again im completely forgetting what i was thinking of writing..so back on topic..narnia is a great place..ok now back on subject
why cant girls be knights

i know i have a few control issues..mostly centered around not having any but i never would have thought that would be a reason for why i liked playins sims so much..that would go for all video games..i really like the ones where i have the control to say what goes on and when and how..its just so much easier controlling something like that vs controlling like my life...but in reality as in like sitting on the couch reality its not fun controlling someone else or trying to control someone else..because there you waste so much energy worrying about someone else that i guess you start losing control of yourself in a way..i might not have the control dealing with myself but im pretty sure i dont control someone else..i think id rather just get my control back and leave everything else alone..or try to anyway..but i dont know if that would mean i would have to take away the control mommy has or come up with my own..not that im exactly sure how that would happen..can two people control the same person? maybe but i think eventually it would have to go one way or the other..it would be a battle all the time if two ppl controlled one..there would always be a conflict..always something thats not right..but thats kinda the way it is now..leaning way more on mommy for the actual control part and i just randomly manage to have control for little bits of time..so much stuff to work on it seems like..

skipping ahead..topic of the day is aviodance and why it works...i think i like it..never had to think about it really..almost second nature like a bunch of other things..so guess ill start with the basics..i know the definition of avoidance and when i think about it i just think of putting off doing something i dont want to do. and i do it all the time..most obviously with talking on the phone..i dont like it and i dont do it unless i have and even then i wait until the last possible minute to do it..i wait until i have to do it and there is no way out of it..but i think the same works for all the emotions im not dealing with or accepting..if im putting them off and not dealing with them it does nothing except turn around and come out in my dreams or make me refuse to stop thinking about stuff or do all the impluse stuff..more than i admitted to anyway..but not admitting it doesnt make it go away for good..avoiding it does nothing except make me afraid to sleep..all of that just makes me wonder why i keep doing it if i know it doesnt work as much as i like to believe it does..i do it because its the only way w

thinking

how do you gain confidence?? but thats the same i think as having self confidence/esteem/i dont know?? not that i have any of it on any given day but still...just started thinking about this a few days ago...its the end of the semester and so presentations and speaking in front of classes and since ill be doing my internship thingy next semester suddenly i will be spending most of my days talking and dealing with people..but i dont like talking to people not all the time but a lot of the time..kind of a ill talk when i ha ve to and thats it..but now that is really going to have to change..and with taht im guessing will come standing up for myself and self esteem kinda too..the problem being i dont really think i know the first thing about gaining confidence...maybe that will get me to talk more too i dont know...maybe i just have to get around to liking myself regardless of what im doing..and eventually maybe ill get around to stopping all the stuff i do that umm hurts me..which ive only lately even started to acknowledge...this is so turning into a year of changes you know...i guess things have to change eventually and its just like stopping and seriously looking around at everything going on with me and in the world..and one thing ive noticed is that a heck of a lot of ppl are dying..besides the point but every week some famous person has died or there is a natural disaster..hence im not liking the weather much..hurricanes and tornados and earthquakes and good grief im starting to think that global warming is getting kicked into high gear for some reason..ok umm forgetting what the point is again...not that i never noticed before its just now the news is kinda interesting..there is always something going on, something to look at or learn to not like..hence i really will leave my views on the president for another day cas that could take a while! but those thoughts aside there is tons going on that i just kinda ignored i guess..

hmm i was completely out of my mind or something and wore my shirt backwards for half of the day..i would have left it to if yvonne hadnt told me my shirt was on backwards before i releft the house! no idea where my head was this morning..especially after i so wondered why my shirt looked weird...finished one of my papers to turn in today and i have one more to work on due by 12 tonight..and another one i juts really need to work on so i can get it turned in...ugh..i was talking to shameeka in class today and she was telling me she hasnt been turning in work either and its like we wait till the last semester to start really not doing anything..maybe its just going around or something...but maybe its stopping now finally since ive started doing my work again..or trying to at least..that so has to count for something..skipping my night class to write my paper because well it has to be finished tonight..then home to clean and pack and just lots to do at home...

oh something ive learned this week..i dont have to not like something because someone else doesnt like it..until i got really excited over narnia coming out this week and yvonne and valerie just so not feeling the same way its like ok..i like it and you dont and who cares..valerie didnt like my movies either and i told her that i didnt buy them for her to like, i have them cas i like them..never thought i would say that but i get a bit tired of everyone inadvertently trying to get to say i dont like something or i dont want to do something because they feel that way..its not fair to me because you know contrary to popular belief there are a few things i actually like doing..sure they can be as boring as anything but i still like them..so maybe thats one of the things i kinda need to learn or at least work on it..

endless things

50 million things to do and it suddenly feels like there is not enough time in the day for anything

never assume

'Fortunate are the merciful, who fight without hatred or hate without remorse..'
'speak the truth even if it leads to your death'
'here at the end of the world you are not who you were born but who you were meant to be'

today has been dull but fun and entertaining i eventually..wasted most of the day playing the sims 2 and did a little bit of cleaning and more video games because breaks make the day more interesting..specially if they last for hours at a time..yvonne got home from rehearsals early and we ended up walking to walgreens and the grocery store and out to dinner..and i watched her get frustrated at her sims family she made and didnt know yet how to control..and given for first time players sims is hard to get a handle on..it took me a couple days to get the hang of this one..so it was a bit funny..but i still helped her..and i got her a couple cards because her play opens this week and ill miss opening night so i have to wish her good luck and everything..there cute but i think she will like them..counting money is depressing but i know i wont be able to get narnia when it comes out on tuesday..no matter how much i want to count it i cant come up with extra money right and that royally sucks but once again not the end of the world..and yvonne got me a disney magazine covered in narnia pictures :) and a kitten calendar and a card..she really sees something in me i dont see well i dont believe and thats not the same thing i dont think...we are watching kingdom of heaven now because well the movie has its funny parts and the whole im so marrying orlando bloom and if i have to stalk him yvonne has promised to go to jail with me to keep me company..but the movie is good too of course but there is a benefit in completely drooling over the main actor..and yvonne has given me almost all of her orlando stuff with captions that i have all over my room...and minus the big cut out that scares the heck out of me if im not careful i love all of it..ok im so off subject now..umm i did have a point when i strted i think..oh we got on the subject of cutting tonight a little bit..but it wasnt about me and i really dont think she knows..she was looking through a reader digest and she said she wished she had last months because there was an article on cuttnig and she wanted to read it..she said valerie did it..and since she said she didnt know how to help im guessing she still does it..but i know valerie a little bit like general stuff i guess..she was just here for a week, same as last year and here for yvonnes birthday over the summer and i didnt guess it or assume it or anything because i had no reason too..but yvonne brought it up and i told her i had a boook on it but that it was stupid..i told her i kinda knew a little bit about it but i didnt explain anything...i guess its kinda the same..i dont think valerie would have brought it up if she did question the scars on my arm..but she blamed them on dusti as a lot of people do...i read somewhere that s/i could be dubbed as the cat did it disease and that would mean there were some mean cats running around..and letting dusti take the blame for osmething she didnt do does make me feel guilty..but i dont correct it either..i know where dusti scratching me at and i can tell the difference but ppl see scars and if they know i have cat then the first thing is has your cat been scratching you or the cat scratched you...yvonne saw them before i ever got a cat but i told her i was in a car accident..i told her it gave me a lot of scars..and she hasnt questioned it since..even when i walk around with my wrist band on or when i have razors just laying all over my room when she comes in..right now i have qauze and bandaids all over my floor maybe razors too but she doesnt ask and idont say anything..not many come right out and ask..i wonder why though..im almost certain i would lie about it anyway..until i got my other journal online yvonne wouldnt have even known half the stuff she found out and even that isnt much..just that i caan get a bit depressed at times and the one time i half wrote about it she was worried..serious worried and wrote me this whole list of stuff about why she needs me..i keep a copy of it in my bag..its one of those things i know ill have forever and reading it makes me smile...but i guess it goes the same way..no one would assume i cut myself and gave myself all the scars and burns the same way i dont assume anyone else does it..if nothing else we are incredibly good hiders with all of it...

time moves up

i knew the time was moving up once i started seeing stuff online about it yesterday otherwise i would have gotten up and seriously been wondering if all the clocks were just wrong...so then i had to remind everyone so i wouldnt forget lol..i miss my watch but ill have to wait about getting a new battery for it and im not really sure where to go to get a new one..i see the signs all over the place when i dont need it and once i do i cant remember anywhere ive seen them..

finally have the house to myself again since valerie went home yesterday.not that she was in the way or anything i just like being by myself and after doing it for almost a year im kinda used to having things my way..but now things are back to normal i guess..same old boring stuff..still slacking off in almost all of my work due next week..3 papers..it would have been two if i would finish correcting the other one..i have to clean up and everything since i left the kitchen a mess..interview is tomorrow and i have my senior summary thing tomorrow too..its going to be a busy week and then home for the week and home next weekend too..trying not to stress about anything because im finally back into an even normal feeling...reg stresses but not a lot of extra stuff..prolly had something to do with playing the sims 2 all weekend..great game though and really good at wasting time but now i have to get some stuff done and so ill play more tonight or something..i might have to put a time limit on it so i dont play it for hours and get anymore behind than i already am..yvonne mom came yesteray morning and brought us easter gifts..i have a singing duck now lol..a bunch of candy and a coloring book and a few other thigns..really fun and a really nice surprise. mommy will be out of town for easter so that will be ok too..hmm guess i dont have anything else to ramble about for now..after spending the better part of a week and a half stressed about everything theres just nothing left to stress about..and well stressing just doesnt help much..since i still havent done my work anyway

ugh

can this week get any weirder..i want milk, i dont like milk b ut i want it..and this started today in the middle of my class..i was just sitting there minding my own business and i just start thinking about how much i want milk..forgetting i dont like drinking it in the first place..so i went and got some after class and of couse it was strawberry becasue im not a fan of plain white milk..but i think ill h ave to give in and drink some..because what i had today didnt help much because right now all i want to think about is getting milk and we dont have real milk and i dont drink soy milk..so it looks like ill be investing in organic milk again for a little while until this is under control..so logically i can assume i must be really low on calcuim or ssmething..why must i crave food i dont like ugh..

long day..but i did my presentation and actually got all dressed up..and made it through the presentation without to much stumbling over what i had to say..suffered through bio and actually passed the quiz today with higher than a 70..skipped policy..and killed my feet walking in boots all day..but im getting used to them..it took a lot longer this time to wear my feet out and now they are seriouslt hurting but its not to bad..ill just be wearing sneakers for a good long while..i dont think arran has ever seen me dressed up..i might shock her to death if i showed up dressed up..not in jeans and a sweatshirt lol..could be fun, maybe one day when ill be able to sit there without pulling at my shirt...went out to dinner tonight and learned that caramel apple, and chocolate martinis are really good..i actually went out and had less than two drinks! the veggie burger was good though and now im ready to go to bed but im chatting a little bit and looking up meanings of the milk thing

weird

after everything i wrote this morning i still went and half threw up..it was just not working this morning and so i stopped but then i was feeling weird for a long while..first because sometimes purging makes me really sick and because i didnt need to walk outside and be in the sun feeling that bad..its like being outside just made me want to go throw up and since i had to do thing on campus i was walking back and forth and started getting dizzy..and for a second really had to stop moving because i was really close to crying..and it was one of those you have so done this to yourself kinda crys..and the general crummy feeling and i wanted to go home and couldnt because i actually had to do woork today..so i did the logical thing and randomly dropped by teachers offices to stay busy and just my luck prof dunn was in her office..and we talked about school stuff for a little while and im going back on friday so she can help me with some homework stuff im been putting off..and then i went to dr bass's office and of course she was in too..after ive been looking for her for forever shes in her office today and we talked about my placement and shes really happy i got it to..and of course she would be the one to flat out ask about the cutting and she couldnt ask a yes or no question..no she wanted to know how often..given i pretty much avg once or twice a week and i told her as much but im still glad we couldnt talk long..since i wasnt feeling much like talking anyway..and then we run into dr miller on the way out and he asked me about the fin aid stuff whicch i still havent bothered trying to do or even finished deciding to do..and he keeps telling me they will help me with it..but i just dont know about htat...thinking about its like yes i could so use the money..im starting to worry a lot again about everything.. and im not doing my work and its like ok im not doing it but what the heck am i doing instead..and its nothing..literally i spend my days doing nothing..and yeet im still stressed eventhough i have the time to do all my work..i dont get it..yea im a bit more depressed than usual and maybe that has something to do with it..so anyway then i went and actually finished the project thing for tomorrow with kitta and im hoping it will go ok..i just want it to be over and done with now..im sick of looking at it...but we got it done and thats something..then i ended up going to a late lunch with yvonne and valerie and we played phase 10 for like an hour sitting in the resturant..then we went to the founders day party thing and got cupcakes and ballon thingys..i got a teddy bear on a stick and yvonne got a princess hat...but hers popped a little in like 10 mins..we ran into kenny and then made it home finally..spent the rest of the night watching tv and pigging out on pizza and talking to valerie since yvonne is at rehersal..but i think im going to bed soon..im tired..really really tired

stupid sun

is it just me or does the sun manage to get brighter every morning...maybe because it was so gray yesterday today is just an after affect and its not really that bright or maybe it should stop shining directly at my window..this is turning into a really depressing week..ive been trying to catch dr bass in her office for reasons i dont know yet, just want to see her i guess..and i told prof dunn yesterday that im seriously behind in all my worok and i am..working on the prject for tomorrow today with kitta and i have to do a couple things on campus before we meet and i dont need to hang out in bed all day even if it is what i want to do...and so i guess its good my new game hasnt gotten here yet becasue then i really wouldnt be doing any work...and i suck..and im a bit annoyed what i ddid yesterday and the nightbefore that arent hurting anymore..didnt really hurt to begin with...ive screwed up royally with eating and so yea i ate but without purging and no way i want to think about it makes it ok since it was pizza..i miss having the house to myself all the time..im just complaining a lot today..i forgot what i was thinking about this morning..something about being hyponotised could be fun in an incredibly creepy no idea what i would say kinda way..i think i would be really easy to hyponotise though and thats just creepy too..oh rant yesterday aboout being sick of everyone assuming ill do something or agree to something with out asking me..almost always ill say yes anyway but at least give me benefit of the doubt and ask anyway..maybe i should hide out in my room for a few days until i figure out the secret to disappear..maybe ill be doomed to suffer for eternity..and maybe im juts completely making things a lot worse right now than they need to be...but i sitll think the sun is stupid

nothing

i think it would have been a week and a half that i messed up by cutting last night..and so its like starting over tomorrow since i cant recount today...im supposed to be not eating today but that wont be working out since im feeling really sick right now..so ill stop being a dork and go get something to eat..everything is rreally starting to get to me..lots of work due that i havent finished..i keep trying to forget ill be going home next weekend..but a promise is a promise..and i think i slept wrong or something last night because im sore in the oddest places..

i would give anything for new blades

thoughtful content

now would be as good a time as any to just figure out a way to go away..but since im still half asleep from meds i didnt really need to take anyway and i dont feel like getting up just yet, all thats left is to write...not that i really have much to say..sleep is seriously becoming an issue..i sleep i swear i sleep and i wake up most days between 7 and 8 regardless of when i go to bed because saturday night i was up until after 2 and still woke up before 8..the problem is i want to sleep like all day..ive counted and i avg about 6 hours a night without taking anything..taking something i got around 9 hours last night..but i dont know why i want to sleep so much..i cant be awake less than 4 hours without wanting to take a nap..and when that goes away if it does then i know it will only go away for a few hours before im tired again..by 8 at night im completely ready to go to bed and if i actually did im almost sure i would sleep all night..and ive done that before..12 hours of sleep isnt the best thing ive ever done..i dont remember if it helped though..and napping during the day makes me not sleep at night..at first i thought it was the whole low iron part and i started taking the vitamins again..and since i didnt take them for a really long time im pretty sure my iron dropped alot and i dont know how fast it will build up again off of vitamins but ive only been taking them for a couple months now maybe..but now i think it might be worse than it was before..i just dont know why..i swear i sleep as in im not awake i dont think but when i do wake up its like i never went to sleep at all..im pretty sure i sleep now im not so sure what i do..maybe i never manage to get to the deep sleep stage part or something but i dont know..i was thinking about it last night and if i went to sleep everytime i got sleepy i would sleep away most of the day..id be up for less than 6 hours a day and that just doesnt make sense..maybe im not doing enough with my day or something...so i took something last night, to much of course but it will still put me to sleep and that i wanted..given it made me feel sick at the same time wasnt good though..i dont know sleep is stupid anyway and i dont see why it has to be so important..true ive never been a night person and when i want to go to sleep thats it i dont want to be bothered anymore, but im fine in the morning for a while so i dont get it..

funny thing i learned yesterday..leaving what i was feeling alone doesnt make them stay..because i was really mad yesterday more like bothered and annoyed but i think that fits in the mad catergory..and at first i was trying to make it stop and then i wrote and then i just stopped trying and put my energy into something else..and it was much later but eventually i realized i wasnt mad anymore..sad but not a big deal sad and that has stayed but its not to bad right now either..more like just feeling dejected about something i think..i read something about forgivness this morning and osmething about unhealthy interpersonal boundaries and the forgivness one made sense but reading it just makes it seem really easy and that annoys me because its not..then i thought its useless trying to forgive something i dont believe happened anyway..so acceptance still has to first anyway..still fighting the whole acceptance thing because i dont know..to many little ideas on it and i cant get to the main reason for it...everytime i wrote about it last week somewhere and got respones it all made sense but it still makes it seem to easy..maybe because it means i would have to let my guards down or something..in the last year my whole little protected world just started to fall apart and as much as i hate that it happened i guess it was time for it happen...unexpected but not the end of the world because i seriously ythink i started making another one..great now ive figured out i keep making safe places to the extreme and that would be what i call going away from awareness..i do it alot though..more than i should but i do like them better than the real world..now its like ok have them but know whats true and whats not at the same time..hiding in them and having them are two different things i think, and sense i have them for the purpose of escaping almost everything then they hinder more than help..even if i do prefer them to anything else...i hate to think that ill be stuck putting all of this together for the rest of my life however short it may be..i want to stop, i never wanted to know anything, forget i asked..but i guess that owuldnt work either..my head would find a way to make me rememeber and if i dont stop all the s/i stuff then im not forgetting anyway..just stopping for a while..i wonder if i stopped trying to stop all the emotions and stuff would i stop the s/i..i dont know i think it would make it worse..but if i used it to stop things then maybe it wouldnt make it worse..but i didnt cut yesterday when i wanted too..and im writing here because i dont want to cut..and now that im thinking about it again i want too..so ill finish what im doing now and go do something else like eat since its been a while and im starting to feel sick again..

ive been looking at the control thing i found online alot lately and the more i look at it the less it makes me mad or sad or anything..its just disappointing and hurts moreso because almost all of it is true..maybe i was just overly shocked when i found it the first time..its like rereading the toxic parents books..after the first time it gets easier..reading it still hurts but its not blinding denial either...now it just makes me think about everything, it scares me though..like one of these days ill actually know who i am and that im not a bad person..i think i live for the purpose of trying to make everyone see im horrible but no one believes me, not that i try incredibly hard to make it so..i just refuse to believe what they tell me instead..well im not sure now because i still really really want to believe mommy but funny only mommy can make me cry..i just dont like it..i dont like how much control she has over me and in a way i keep giving it to her..maybe i dont know any better or maybe i never saw it for what it was..maybe i didnt want to see it for what it was..

i dont know

i dont see how parents can not choose there kids over anyone else..i dont see why they do either especially if its a matter of safety of kids..it bothers a lot me that it happens..i watched bastard out of carolina again and its one of those movies that is made really really good but its one of those hard to actually like because it deals with child abuse...and ive seen it more than once..ive seen it enough to know the whole movie and still i just end up thinking the same thing..parents can really suck sometimes..and how in the world could anyone do that to a kid..the bad part being that it happens a lot and that sucks even more..now the fact that im alone just doesnt seem like its such a great idea..i cant even figure out where my head went...i feel so pissed off but i cant be that..more like i dont want to be that..and then i have to think about everything ive been hearing about the acceptance thing and its like ok then i know why im bothered i just dont know why i dont want it..if i let it staay it will wear off and ill just really really sad and i dont want that either...id rather just not feel anything..but for what its worth i guess ill try and if it doesnt kill me ill know its not so bad..maybe kinda sorta

saturday

today has been surprising..i foubd out that valerie was coming today for her spring bbreak not that i mind or anything at all..not like ill be around much i guess if i dont want to and then it wont really matter its not like shes my company and all the same i guess she will spend most of her time with yvonne...still it will be a little different not having the house to myself most of the day..guess i might actually have to do homeworkr and what not...so back today ended up going to see chronicles of narnia again and that was so cool since i had been trying to come up with a plan to see it while it was on campus all week..and i wasnt expecting to go and we end up going tonight which makes my fourth time seeing it and it comes out on dvd in a couple weeks and i cant wait..it is now one of my all time favorite movies and since ive seen it enough to know most of the words in it i was just going along watching the movie and thinking about how great it would be if narnia was a real place..i dont remember if i really like the books and i havent tried reading the books again but i know i wasnt a fan of the older movie..but this one i love and its so good..i dont have many problems iwth it at all..majorly cool...but talk about a great place to go when things are not great..i would love to go there if it was at all possible..but i know its not so oh well on that account..but still im so glad we got to go see it again..i dont even care that ive seen it four times..and then we went bowling aand i actually got the highest scoore the first game..that was the best ive bowled in forever not that i go bowling that often at all but still it was fun..came in second the next game but it was close...and then we went and played pool and that is one game ive never managed to get the hang off and since i was pretty much the worst of the three of us yvonne ended up pairing we me and we won but so not from my work..i got maybe 2 balls in and then managed to hit the white one completely off the table lol..now that takes talent! and came up and im still up and we played cards and i learned a new game and watching another movie but im going to bed soon since its like already 2 in the morning..still not thrilled about sleeping but bed it is..laundry and homework most likely tomorrow..but i got a sleeping bag today that was nice..i forgot of much ebay came in handy sometimes! but all the same i guess i finally got in some non depressing news..hmm its been a while wince ive managed to actually get my mind off of things for so long without doing something unsafeish to get there..something to think about

weeks over..kinda

the weeks over for me and that is good enough! im tired of this week and for some reason im back to being really tired really early..maybe im not sleeping as well as i think i am..roughly 6 hours a night but i cant get much more than that without taking something before hand..maybe i should go have another blood test..the same one ive been putting off for a long time..dont know though maybe it will go away again..i know i havent purged in at least a couple weeks and today i wanted to but talked myself out of it..i get random nosebleeds..hmm well getting them again, twice this week and its been forever since ive had one..maybe the weather is bothering me or im catching a cold or something..but minus the runny nose theres nothing else really wrong..maybe a headache but thats it..maybe i should take some sinus meds just incase..which means a trip to the drugstore..ive been trying out new recipes this week since i have to cook if i want to eat..eating to many nuts and things and ill have to work on that but otherwise its been ok..i actually ate broccoli more than once without throwing it up..and if nothing else i take the dorky vitamins like clockwork..dont know if there working or not..but im pretty sure im still managing to leave out a lot of vitamins and things from like everyday food..so vitamins it is if i dont want mommy to start telling me im gonna go into shock from not eating..stupid thing being ive been not eating for the last 5 or so years and before that i was throwing up..so its not like i dont know what im doing..anyway i actually managed not to cut today even if it was a crummy day and i wanted to but i didnt..made myself go to class which got cancelled and ended about school stuff and iwas ok enough to make it home in one piece..and then it was my usual stuff, waste time online, cooked watched a movie..and now im once again to tired to want to do anything but go to bed..not sleep but go to bed

empty would be good

i wont let up on thinkingabout acceptance..and its bothering me..well that and the small issue with forgetting thta bringing up dreams makes me not want to sleep, and them i have to think about everything that i associate it with..and thinking about all of it without trying to judge it or control just doesnt work..likke now i wont stop blaming myself..i want to say i cant stop but i guess if i wanted to i could..but saying i could just makes it seem easy when its not..like if i think about it long enough i can figure out a way to take the blame for all of it if i want it or not..same old thing i guess but now i just dont know..now it kinda seems wrong to try to take blame for something i didnt do moreso couldnt control..but i work so hard at breaking things arent and trying to change what happened..given then explaining it doesnt make since..but leaving it alone and just accepting it has never been an option until now..i keep wanting to think that you know this is supposed to be easy but i just go back and forth between not caring and just wanting to go away..semi suicidal but more into just hurting enough to remember im not dead yet...i thought about why i dont like the whole reality thing..because helpful or not the s/i is considered bad or wrong most likely both and then its like knowing its not good but doing it anyway..i should know this ive heard enough about deviant behavior..i know all about social norms and i know that off subject for a sec..being scared makes me want to cry..lately everything makes me want to cry...which is better crying or cutting..i would say cuttnig, which wouldnt hurt..neither..hmm back to my other train of thought..i know that i would be considered sick or something by ppl who have no clue as to why i do it..i guess they would be right htough..reasons for doing it aside i dont know..i keep wanting to tell myself its bad nad i need to stop and i havent yet..not even though i can tell someone not to do it and ways to stay busy so you might not have to do it..and i can ignore all of it..i know all of it, and ive done it at one point or another..but its like the rules dont count for me..not anymore..its gone far enough that i dont know if it can be stopped anymore..but more now than ever i can look at my arms and hate all the scars..hate myself for doing them..and they may fade some but a lot of them wont ever go away..i study my legs looking for new places to cut already knowing i dont like it..but i rarely take care of them these days..for the longest time i never believed anyone who told me take care, like they were juts saying it to say..and then one day it was just like oh you actually mean it, like seriously it matters what i do to myself..its still weird having ppl care and for me to even acknowledge it..its harder to completely ignore it..because the more something is bothering me the more i try hard to pull away from everyone because its better to not say anything so no one will worry..but its like maybe i do need them to worry because i cant or wont..cant goes with should..one of those things that just turned into a habit..things are going not well right now