i just want to go home

my mind is all over the place this morning and im finally giving in and writing ...i cant think clearly and its making the depression worse...am i doing the right thing..will i be able to manage...what in the hell is going to happen to me?? i just want to sit and cry and just i dont know go away.  im trying my hardest to be strong but i am afraid..im scared and lonely..and being in the hotel alone makes me feel awful...yes i have tv and internet..but i dont feel safe here..i have the door locked and i know no one can get in ..but its bigger than that..its really important for me to feel safe and at a hotel..alone..i juts dont..and i have no choice right now..so i wont complain anymore to anyone..ill keep my thoughts to myself..but it feels as if everything inside of me is breaking ..and there is no way for me to put any of it back together..im afraid to leave the hotel..im afraid to stay..i worry that taji is not doing well..and i just dont know what to do anymore...

i know i need to go back the the apartment and clean up and what not...but im afraid again of leaving the cats for to long by themselves..i know they will be ok ..but the fear is still there...im afraid that someone will open the door and they will get out ..and i wont be able to find them...i dont want to lock them in the room..but that would mean i have to stay in the room until housekeeping comes by..i guess..i dont know..to make sure no one will open the door after wards..and its not as if i need housekeeping anyway really...

i think my fears are juts getting to that overwhelming point..and im just struggling to maintain...and i only have nia and sarah to talk to really...mommy said no one else should know..that would be bad..who would i tell anyway??? but again ..my failure is a secret..my inability to care for myself is a secret...and in the process of moving things..i did find and bring my razors with me...

im not feeling good these days..coughing..and tired..and sad...always sad ..

 i keep thinking about wanting to go home...thats all i want..but then i have to remind myself that i no longer have a home...that im juts out here in the world and there really isnt any help for anything...

i just suck and i know it..and i need to get better at hiding it...

the office person told me yesterday in an email that she is worried about me..and i didnt know how to respond so i havent...i dont have the energy to tell her that ill be ok because i dont know...im living day to day..and i dont know anything beyond that...

as much as i need stability right now..the only stable thing i have is sarah..and now im even farther away from her.. no nothing is stable..im not ok..im not anything ...i just want to sleep the days away and not worry about anything at all...its to much...all i do these days is worry and stress and im tired...i really am..

i want to just give up ...

im tired and frustrated and dont feeling good and rushed, panicked, stressed, worried...so many things..i want to sit down and cry but i need to pack..i need to finish packing and cleaning and all of it...im struggling to get it done..having a hard time managing right now...so much to do and im feeling completely alone and trapped in my apartment ..

im frustrated with my job and that i cant get my pay...why in the hell did they give me a money order..wtf...and now im at the mercy of the post office to get it cashed..and keep being told that the money isnt there..what am i supposed to do??? i need money if im going to get through the next few days ..and instead im stuck with something that i cant do anything with..

yeah i jutsw want to cry..i want to curl up and go to sleep and i cant even do that because i have thrown away all of my blankets...not gonna get into why but i did...so im sitting on my mattress surrounded by my stuff that i can no longer stand the sight of..and i want to scream ...

Today....Today I honor the ones who did not make it.

Every day a child is killed by someone they know, someone who is supposed to love and care for them...Everyday children are sold, tortured, abused, neglected...

I made it out a live...broken..sad...lost in a world that i dont understand but i am alive...


Since it has been on my mind the past couple days ... i just felt the need to say that for all the children who did not have a chance to grow up, did not have a chance to feel love or be loved in a kind and caring way..Your lives were not in vain. Each of you have a story, each of you had a place in the world, no matter how short it was..

You are remembered in the hearts and minds of those who have survived ..

since im avoiding i may as well reflect..

in two days..it will technically be our two month anniversary...wow..writing it, thinking it, saying it...completely blows my mind...i feel happy thinking about it..at peace sorta...because i know now that our friendship and relationship is really strong..and that we are communicating..even if it does end up causing hurt and anger ... things can be put back right...and well that is one truth that i dont think i will ever forget...nor the fact that i was forgiven...so im going to focus on the good parts..the support, the comfort, the fun, and laughs, and kisses, and other fun things that im not so much scared of anymore...i keep thinking that valentines day is coming up and for the first time in my whole life, i have someone to spend it with...no idea what to do..but juts the fact that i have someone to spend it with is enough..and makes me smile...it calms me to know that sarah loves me as i am..as i love her.

how far would you go...to protect your secrets...

i do believe i have triggered myself ..not on purpose..but all the same the depression is crippling tonight...the anxiety is making me anxious...and the sadness overwhelms me...

you know reading books about abused kids is something i have done for as long as i remember..sometimes i find them intentionally..and sometimes i find them accidentally...but i read them all the same...and the reactions as always different..there is always something that jumps out..that clings to me..and i want an answer to it...

tonight the question is..how far are you willing to go to keep your secrets..and i say secrets..but its more than that...its guilt, shame, fear, hate..all of it..

i know how far i would have gone...i planned to die with my secrets..never letting anyone at all know my shame...or letting anyone see my shame or admit to anything being wrong..it was more important to just blend in..to disappear..i was more than willing to die to keep them..i was probably well on my way to death without revealing anything because it was to much..the shame was overwhelming..the need to punish and hurt myself ruled my mind..i wasnt allowed to tell..i wasnt allowed to speak..i dont know if those were my rules or someone elses..but they were rules all the same..and breaking the rules called for punishment..failing meant punishment..either from me or from mommy while i was younger..but gradually i got older and so the punishments changed...and the punishments came from me..from inisde of me..i didnt need any help helping myself down..i knew what to say..i knew what to do..i knew it all..and never once had any intention of revealing any of it..

who would care? who would notice?  why did no one notice? i think that hurts the most...no one noticed..no one noticed that i never talked..that i was usually hiding somewhere .. that the fear mommy has instilled in me is still alive and strong..and even now as an adult..no one understands that the same rules still stand at home..dont move without permission..dont think..dont ask..dont do anything...it was the unspoken rules that controlled me and kept me silent...even now it is the fear of being in trouble with mommy that breaks me..that stops me cold and i cant think..i cant process..i can shut down..i can cry..i can hide..but i cant function...and the fear controls me...the fear still controls me ..

overwhelmed

no more hiding from life...my world is crumbling at my feet and all i can do is watch because all of it is out of my control.  i see everyone else going on with their lives and i want to yell and scream and tell them to stop..tell them to pay attention..tell them i am not happy...im very afraid of this week..im afraid of worrying and being scared and feeling so overwhelmed with everything.  Im not so sure about any of this anymore.  I wonder why I hang on just to be let down over and over .... this isnt the depression talking..this is im tired of life talking and am completely ready to give up and call it quits..im tired of fighting..im tired of crying..and i feel completely alone ..i know im not completely alone but it just feels like i am..im getting sucked farther and farther into to my head..and i dont want anyone else there..i want to be alone to hide the fact that i cant seem to manage right now...that im back to crying and its not as if i can get a lot of stuff done if i cant see straight..crying makes me sleepy...and i would rather not be seen or talked to or looked at righth now...im seriously just sitting here ..picking my poison ... what will it be..cutting, pills, burning, throwing up, most of my meds are at sarahs house because i was stupid and left them this morning...so the pill option isnt as good...i already know what it will be..its not a hard choice to make ... just something else i will have failed at this month...i tried..i really did but thats not good enough...i need to be dead inside for a little while..to be able to deal with mommy and to deal with moving and to deal with possibly ending up in a place that scares me hotel wise....i dont want mommy to come..i really dont...i dont want anyone to come and see just how far i have fallen...but mommy is making sure of that...i can count on one hand who actually knows whats going on with me..i may keep secrets ..but mommy is better at than me..not that there is anyone to help...and mommy used money this morning...that was the fuel to let me know that im not doing enough..that i cant depend on her..that i cant do anything ..that i still owe nia and rob..that she cant come and rent something and drive up here on her own..and mommy is telling me over and over what it is that i need to do..i feel stupid and rushed and pushed..and i cant be rushed..i just cant...i know most of my triggers and that is a big one..my head hurts...my body hurts..everything hurts right now...and as much as i want to destroy myself..i think ill just take a couple vailums and lay back down..the crying has stopped again..so maybe the headache will go away too..i dont know...im not putting much hope in anything at all right now...and i have to be even more careful on the phone..especially with mommy...no sadness..no tears..no nothing...i may as well be dead already...silence is my friend..i guess

it snowed

im so happy it snowed..and it stuck..its not a massive amount..but enough that digging out my car out scares me lol..i love snow i do...but i dont drive in it..and i most certainly dont trust my tires right now for anything...

but i woke up this morning and figured out it was snowing..and so of course i walked outside..snow makes me happy..just watching it makes me happy...and now watching it melt already makes me sad.

slightly panicked about possibly driving today..but im not sure..i may juts call it a day and pick up with everything tomorrow. essh

guess i need to write...

im feeling calmer this morning..yesterday i thought the world would end and i would end right along with it.but the world didnt end and neither did i...the depression is hitting hard..and so is the need to hide and shut down and not say anything to anyone at all...only a handful of people know the situation..and i guess i want to keep it that way...i dont want anyones pity...i will manage...in the end i always manage somehow...

went to therapy today..and actually told alice why i didnt come in last week...we talked a bit about crying and how that is a healthy skill..and how much ive grown over the past almost 2 years with her...in the past week..all the times i wanted to give up, give in, cut, burn, ugh i thought about all of it..but the razors are still in the living room where i left them..the package is open ..and i even had one out to use at one point .. but i put it back and just cried and cried and cried some more...and as much as i dont like it..i guess i can at laest acknowledge that yes crying is a natural thing...dont know it though.and i dont like that i cant control...these days tears are so close to the surface..its like anything and everything is able to set me off ... but therapy is now moved to every 3 weeks..because im managing..because im staying safe..because thinking is not the same as acting..so on and so forth..things have been royally shitty...and i didnt cut...i almost wonder what has happened to me?  what has changed?  there is a small number of people who i want to be proud of me...alice is one, kathy and sarah are the others..nia at least acknowledges that things suck..while mommy constantly tells me what i need to do or should be doing or something..being on the phone with her gives me such a  headache..but this is one of those times that i have to control myself and my temper and my reactions...she is being nice enough to drive up here..and help me get my stuff out of the apartment..

the court stuff happened..i have 10 days...maybe an extra three days after that..but the end result is that i will be out of this apartment by the end of next week..the plan right now is for my stuff to pretty much go to storage..until the other apartment is ready at ashley oaks...so many changes.so much upheveal...right now im afraid to hope..to think. to plan to far out..because things keep changing and not working out..and im getting worn out...the stress and worry has turned physical..and i can feel the tension in my back and neck..it still hurts me to get up or move certain ways because my sides still hurt a lot...i will have to get things organized and put up or give away..and some things i see no point in keeping ...i guess mommy is right in that its the clothes that are the biggest issue...and some things im gonna try to sell and some things im just trashing..i want this to be a new start...getting some stability..some normalcy...its just that 2013 was filled so many negative things...a few positive things but really negative and scary stuff..and it has leaked over into 2014...but i want things to get better..i want to feel better again..crap ill even go and work out with roxanne juts for the stability..im hoping by feb that things will be more stable..

and tomorrow ..i will be able to make things right with sarah...as sucky and sad as the past few days have been...im glad i told her what i did..because i was guilty and feeling guilty and i just couldnt keep it up...and so tomorrow i will set that right..and we will go from there...when we talked on sunday..i do believe we have agreed to slow down a bit...keep spending time together, getting to know each other, all of that..no rushing into anything...but working through stuff...i was so afraid that i would lose her..and i didnt..yes things are a bit different right now..but she is still in my life and that means i am not alone..i just cant lie to sarah...it hurts me and it hurts her...so long ive spent keeping my secrets..and she wants me to talk to her...to tell her..and that is scary..so many things come alive in me when i am with her..and some things i am getting a bit more used to. never in my life would i have thought i would be ok being undressed around anyone...but with sarah i can be undressed in like 20 seconds and not care ..ok the self concious feelings do still come and go..and im ashamed of the ruin that is my body..but i guess that will take time...and sarah is giving me all the time in the world...to get comfortable with what i am learning about myself ...the fears still creep in though..i wonder how screwed up i am to like the things i like..and it scares me...but am working on it..

tomorrow i actually have to work work..and hopefully will find out more about my missing check...this current job is frustrating me majorly...which reminds me that i need to call kathy back..but anywhoo..i have food and ill have gas..so yeah..will manage...thats what i keep telling myself...damn i need a new happy pill...im depressing myself these days...

but yes i am better than yesterday..and i feel that tomorrow i will be able to face the world...its going to be a busy day...so i think im gonna go play some fb games for a bit and then just lay down...already took meds so im pretty sure ill be sleep really soon

no tears..grow up

fear is setting in..a lot of fear..im afraid..and on the verge of crying..on the verge of cutting..on the verge of something to get the fear to ease up a little bit..how did i get to this place ??? and why cant i get out of it?  how did things get to the point that i am staring at being homeless for the first time in my life..something i never thought would happen in a million years..but i am looking at it...and it is not a pretty picture..and im sad and depressed and scared and just tired..im not sure i can do this...i dont want to do this..and instead all i keep thinking is that if i cut i would be able to sleep..over medicating would do the same thing...but no...i think i want to hurt..and i need it to be a visible hurt...something to see..but i am afraid..and am now crying because i cant even decide if i want to hurt myself or not...i really do think there was a lot of truth when i told sarah earlier that i was afraid of ending up in the hospital...that is still a fear..a real fear..and all i can do is lay here and cry...hidde  and cry..i need to hide from myself at this pointt..because i dont know what else to do..ill go finish crying now. if i make it through the night..i guess ill grow up tomorrow

the past

 

I think i forget sometimes about my past, it gets wiped away..for a little while i have a clean slate..nothing sad..nothing harmful or hurtful happened..i had a great life, got to do so many things..and then there are the days when i know that just the wording of what i just wrote doesnt make any of it true...all i have to do is change a couple things and my life becomes what it actually was..sad, depression, hurtful, shameful, i have been lied to my entire life..and because of one lie i will never be able to find out if my real parents even wanted me, i will never find out if they even know that nicole died years ago..my family left me and i was placed with a family that didnt/doesnt want me...that is my life..alot of tears and anger that i forced out of my mind..the yelling, hitting, threats and torment i try to forget..but today i talked about some of it and it is now on my mind..im feeling nervous and a bit paranoid .. i thought i was coming to terms with my past..but no i dont think i have...because juts talking about it almost had me crying like i had lost my mind...and i have to remind myself that its not ok to cry...its not ok to hurt..that i deserved it.that it was my fault..that i am bad and selfish and completely alone..

more another time 

maybe writing will save me

maybe it will...maybe it wont..at this moment im really not feeling to confident in anything at all ...

my head hurts from crying..and i want to do not so very nice things..pick your posion...what shall it be ?  its like spinning a wheel and waiting to see where it lands...i think its sad that i have enough options for ways to hurt myself that i can pick and choose..what to do..what not to do..no i wont die..i never die..but again..but i think i want and what will actually happen are by no means the same thing...not the same at all..my mind can be a horrible place for thinking and planning..i dont want to hurt..no. i do want to hurt..but i am afraid i will make a mistake..go to far in the quest for silence and emptiness...dont forget you deserve it..never forget that..never forget your place..remember...remember what mommy says..remeber you are worthless, evil, selfish, liar, thief, hated, not good enough..stop pretending ..stop trying to convince yourself of anything else..but in the end..mommy is right...as always she is right...and she is always there to remind me that i am awful..and i am left wondering why she didnt kill me way back when she had a chance?  why let me live just to tell me over and over that im not enough..that ill never be enough..and no amount of trying will make me good enough for anything or anyone..

tears and dark places

maybe i am not all out of tears...because i am sitting here crying..thinking..and crying..writing and crying..staring at nothing and crying...trying to figure out what to do and crying...

i dont want to be hated but i am afraid i will be...i dont want to be left alone but again..that is a possibility...

and i hate myself..the more i think the more i hate..and the more i hate.the more i want to stop feeling...the more i want to hide and disappear..and just go away...pretend i dont exist..make myself remember and believe that i truly am worthless..an that i will always end up messing things up..and then i remember all the times that ive tried so hard to destroy myself..how close ive gotten to ending up accidentally dying...and not caring one bit...i wanted to die..i prayed for death..and it never came..no matter what i did..i woke up the next day..hurting and upset that my eyes even opened..and today...today i pray once again for death to take me..i messed up..and deserve to die, deserve to hurt,  deserve to be punished..

my mind wanders and i am back in the dark place that i tried to leave so long ago..the place where pain becomes something to strive for..not avoid..where feeling numb is the goal..and i find that this is a place where i am comfortable at...still comfortable...after all this time..the dark place is where i am comfortable at..the place of pain, guilt, shame, horror...and yet my mind still hides it from me...until the time when it is needed..for when i need a hiding place...so easily i am pulled back into it..so easily i begin to want it...to crave it.. and will do anything to reach that height of emptiness...and then..maybe then..sleep will take me ..

let me go

what am i waiting for ???
a savior ?
a friend?
someone to talk to ?

no

i remember my place
ive learned it well
its two steps behind everyone else
take away the love and happiness
joy, fun, smiles
and i am what is left

nothing, empty, lost
a shell to hide within
to watch a world that i do not belong in
to hurt but not cry
to smile and hide the pain
silence is my friend
silence will let me go

i have no words...

i have no words left... i have managed to burn the last bridge i had i guess..and now i am paying for what i did...maybe im not cut out to be with anyone at all...maybe i should have kept myself alone..but i didnt..i tried..and i lied, and i failed..and now i dont know what to do..waiting, hoping, prraying..but im not sure for what..god has never answered me before...so instead i choose silence...complete and utter silence...throw myself into work..so i dont have to think and hurt...pack..sleep..and get through the day...i can feel it more acutely than ever before...the lonliness, the emptiness...the need to numb out..to not think..to sleep..my thoughts have already entered into the black hole..what is left for me exactly ?? i told her i would wait..give her space..let her figure out what she wanted..and i will live with her answer..im afraid i will lose her...and i guess i will have to wait and see...back to square one..back to being alone all the time..how easy it is to lose everything at the drop of a hat...the guilt was eating at me..and so i told her ...after lying about it..and it was a physical seperation that happened...she pulled away..and i cried like an idiot..hoping for what? a second chance?  forgivness?  any glimmer of hope that things arent over...she asked to go home, and let me know that she wouldnt be coming over again for a long while..that she wasnt sure about living together...and the fear has set in again..what is going to happen to me exactly..but i guess i will find out on monday..one way or another i will find out..and then i will have to figure out what to do..where to go..suddenly being alone hurts so much more than before..i feel sick..all day ive felt sick...and i think im gonna stay off of fb for a bit...i dont know what to do..im hurting and dont know what to do..i hurt her..after i told her over and over that i wouldnt hurt her..and i did..so many thoughts..and soon everyone will hate me..and i cant blame them...i really cant

im horrible
i remember now
im not meant to form any relationship with anyone
cas i mess it up
i break it up
and end up alone in the end...

trying to remember to breath..trying to remember that i am alive..but all i can think about and feel is the emptiness that is my heart..and what i need to do inorder to make it go away for a little while...

acting on impulse is never good..but since rational thought has left me..i guess impulsive thinking it is...

now...now i am broken

sometimes....

sometimes i dont want to have to be strong
i dont want to be the one that manages everything
i dont want to be the one that has to fa ce the world
with or without a smile
i want to be sad
i want to be able to cry and not hide
i want to be able to ask for support and get it
i dont want to be told that im strong
that i can handle things
that im doing good
please can i just have my pity party
please can i give up
call it quits
run away
disappear

but

where would i be if i had no one at all
no one wondering, thinking, caring, concerned about me
what if no one was there to care at all
no one there to let me know that things will get better
that this is a sucky time but that it wont be forever
what if no one noticed the struggle
no one noticed the silence, the fear, the struggle
where would i be then
would i even still be alive

sometimes i dont want to be told im strong
that i can handle things
but that is what i need to hear
when i am ready to give up
and give in
call it quits and give up

no i am still here
i am strong
this wont last forever.

something that is funny..in a really sad way

in the midst of e verything that is going on...i am frustrated enough with my job to really truly consider looking for something else...

ok fine my check was held until i turned in my work ..but ive turned in my work now and i am still having to hunt down my pay check...everyone has to be cleared to release MY freaking money ... and i dont like that...yes i messed up but i fixed it..and now i want to be paid..and instead i am waiting and being ignored and left ... it is frustrating me ..more so because of all the apartment stuff going on..i need the money...i need to get paid...and instead im stuck waiting...no i dont like that...

i spent two hours today waiting..after being told that i had to get things turned in..i rushed and pushed and forced myself to get things done inbetween seeing clients..and finally made it to the office...only to be told that the director had to give the go ahead...well she didnt call back...ok...she comes to the office and disappears into the office with a couple of the office ppl..and the office admin knew i was waiting..and i waited..and waited..missed going to the pharmacy for meds..due to waiting...anxious and frustrated waiting..but being patient, waiting quietly...and then they all leave and i am left there with no answers..and no check..i know the office admin saw me before she actually left and knew i was still there..but she left anyway with nothing said to me..and i had to call HER to ask her what happeneed..and was told that something else had come up and that she hadnt been able to talk to the director about me...but she had called/messaged the director at like 4pm...and at 6pm there is still no answer ..and the director came to the office at like 4:45pm and i am sitting there waiting..

no..im not comfortable there..im not...so looking will begin...im not doing this...

more thoughts...

yep well i was right in that alice called to check on me...and we rescheduled for next week..talked a little about what is going on..but left a lot out...no point in sharing it...

i think im about to head to the office though..since being at home just brings on more tears...

you know..i think mommy is pleased that i dont have the money to go grocery shopping..because then i cant buy anything im not supposed to have...she has told me so in the past..this would not be any different at all...

no point at all in any of this...

im tired

no such thing as happiness...

im sad..broken..useless...hopeless..alone..empty..

and still the tears come..they dont seem to stop anymore..just crying..i think my eyes are broken and they are just leaking uncontrollably..but still i have to hide it..because im not supposed to be sad..or breaking down..or anything like that..if i talk to mommy and she even thinks ive been crying or am sad or something she will attack and grill me..until i swear im fine and that nothing is wrong...i could talk to nia but i dont want her worrying..she has enough on her plate right now..with school and noa and all of that..my problems dont need to get added to hers...and so it really does feel like i am having to deal with all of this in silence...writing about it doesnt really help anymore..and im to ashamed to let anyone know what is really going on ..so i end up crying by myself almost everyday...sarah does know though..i promised i wouldnt shut her out..but every day i juts want to give up a little bit more..im scared...i really am..scared that i wont be able to keep myself safe..that i wont care...everyday caring goes away a little bit more..and im wearing down..the need to manage and be calm and do what i need to do..unfortunately goes hand in hand with cutting when i am this overwhelmed and stressed out..and again its like i have to stay hidden until i can pull myself together enough to leave the house..or go to work or do anything...but there is not much that i can do right now...i dont have money to do anything and i used what i did have to get cat food..and so i pretend im not hungry..and that i dont need anything at all..and that im fine..because i would never ask anyone for money again..because its just another failure on my part...and i dont want to have to deal with owing anyone else money...i cant even keep up with what i owe everyone now...no need to make it worse..at some point this week i will have to find boxes...i need to pack..trying hard to get caught up with work..i am...

skipping therapy today...i have enopugh shame and guilt right now to deal with..and i dont want to talk about it ..alice will prolly call..i dont know..i may or may not answer...i dont feel like talking to anyone today..i just want to hide ...disappear.. do something to calm my head down..but there is nothing safe..

ill go finish crying now..and then its back to paperwork ... no need to let work stuff get any worse...
ddont need to screw up again..

breaking....

maybe ill just record my breakdown in writing...maybe it will make me famous...if im lucky..maybe ill just be ignored and forgotten..quietly slip away and no one will ever find me ...


this month is barely started and already i want to skip it..let it go by..do something, anything to just ignore the days and let them pass..

i have to be careful when im on the phone with mommy..no sadness allowed..nothing but planning and packing and doing what im told is allowed..

doing what im told..and so ayes i kept my cool while i talked to her..explained what i was going to do and planning and all of that...

and still im sitting here crying and trying to figure out what in the hell to do...finally managed to get the apartment place on the phone this morning...the end of january...thats what im looking at ..not the beginning..not the middle..but the end..what the hell am i supposed to do..not that its important to anyone else i guess..i have to find some place for taji and bounce to stay..and for them to be safe and cared for... me i dont care..

Friday...

i woke up at 3:30am...yet again... im so sleepy..i want to go to sleep..instead i actually got up and made an attempt to clean the kitchen and the bathroom and take the trash out...more than ive done in a couple days...

im not feeling as badly as i was yesterday..still pretty down though...im not going to do anything to hurt myself...not today...today..well later this afternoon im going over to sarahs for a couple days ... maybe juts having company will be good..and i like her company..and i just want to be held a little bit..because i am feeling very alone .. lost...empty...

my body hurts...stress is a pain in the ass...i forget sometimes that when i get really stressed it starts to come out in other ways...so physically im hurting..i havent done anything at all to make my side hurt again...maybe done some stuff that would make other parts sore.heh. but yeah .. gotta keep reminding myself to not hold in the stress and tension..because it is just building up...but right now im still to close to cutting to really let go of anything...oh well for me..

have to go to work in like 3 hours for a bit ... not really feeling like it but guess i have to go...

will be spending my free time for the next three days doing notes anyway..so yeah..fun times ...

im just tired ....

how many times have i said im tired...when i really mean

im sad
im hurt
im angry
im depressed
im feeling hopeless
im feeling suicidal..

all of these fall under tired..because it is ok to be tired..its not ok to be anything else on the list...so im tired..and no one notices because its not completely true..oh i am tired..worn out..worn down..but it is more than that too...so very much more than that..

whats going on ???

I really really wish i had a simple and straight forward answer for what is going on...so much is going on...so many things that are having to change by force really and i dont like it..i try not to shut down but i do...ive been very very close to cutting lately...and i did the ultimate no-no and went and got razors...the ones i like..the ones i prefer to use..im not angry with myself for getting them though..just sad that my thinking and how i am feeling has gone backwards so much right now...that im thinking its ok to hurt myself juts for the release..for the break..so that i can breathe just a little bit easier...its not a want..its punishment..for messing up..for getting to this place both physically and mentally...for feeling like i really truly have screwed everything up and that there really is no hope that things will get better...I know where they are, I havent opened them, or used them...i just have them...

but i guess maybe i should explain things a little bit better .. heck maybe ill even make a list..ugh

well the holidays were a big trigger..going home..being around my mom..knowing that if i wasnt careful that i would be told i wasnt good enough..being at home and still not feeling as if i am at home..im juts some place where my family happens to be..and it is more so at christmas and that small bit of time in aug/july..where i realize that my biological family is dead..my sister is dead..my parents if they are still alive..the biological ones..dont know me..and so in a sense they are juts as dead to me as my sister is...during the holidays i spend my time confirming for my mom that i am happy..that i like being at home..that i got what i wanted..and in return..i get yelled at and watched like a hawk ..and for the life of me i dont know why she hates me so much...i do everything to let her know that i am so very happy to be at home and that she is a great parent and blah blah blah..and what i get in return is a lecture about what i need to do to fix myself ..how to be better..to do better ..to be just more than me..i dont have to explain anymore to alice why i feel so badly around christmas...but to everyone else (minus a couple ppl)..i am happy and excited and going home and seeing family and everything that i am supposed to do...everything that i dont want to do...so yes..my sadness that hangs over my all the time doesnt go away..it gets worse..and no one sees it...

but the holidays are over now..and that does make me happy..but my cloud of darkness just seems to get darker ...

in less than two weeks now..i am looking at being evicted..going to court and everything..one of the few things that scares me senseless is having to go to court..i dont care what the reason is for.just being in court makes me so anxious ..to the point of being sick..and im going to court..i have to..even if it is juts to manage to get a couple extra days in my apartment..that i have to have packed up between now and then...that i have to be prepared to move to storage between now and then...which then means i need to get paid so that i can get a storage..find a place to stay if the other apartment isnt ready..the worry doesnt go away..the fear and just wanting to give up doesnt go away..every since i lost my other job in sept ..i have done everything i can to hang on to my apartment..and i just cant afford it anymore...right now i juts cant afford anything at all and im afraid..because my ability to ask for help is still not that great...im facing possibly being homeless in two weeks and have no idea how to make it better..except for winning the lottery maybe..but realistically..i could be my own client right now..trapped in a no win situation..owing money to everyone and not having enough to live on..i tried..i did everything i could..i borrowed, begged, pleaded..and still couldnt stay caught up..and now because i am even stupider .. i didnt get paid this pay period...and so as i realize that i have once again screwed things up..my frame of mind is just not in a good place.. there is to much to do and not enough time to do it in...pretty much i will most likely spend next weekend packing and crying and doing who knows what..maybe hiding and sleeping..

and the world goes on..the world keeps moving..and i go to work and dont turn in my stupid paperwork because things are so hectic outside of work that paperwork is the last thing on my mind..but i have no choice really..and i know that..im not complaining about my check being held...yes it was stupid on my part..yyes i deserved it..but in the end i will get it...preferably next week..ive been trying to work on notes and stuff today and im not feeling good...i want to lay down but it makes me feel sick..i want to sit up but that just makes me want to lay down again..i cant ask mommy for money ..so of course now it is a battle to see about keeping the cats fed at least..and gas in my car so i can go to work and pretend that my world isnt crumbling at my feet...because no one cares..outside of my mom and sister..only alice, sarah and roxanne know just what it is that i am facing...and there is a time frame now attached to alice..as im pretty sure i will be stopping therapy soon..

if i cut ..i will have wasted all the work i did in the past year...yes i understand set backs, mistakes, one thing doesnt ruin everything else..but sometimes i am still ashamed of my scars..the ones i have put on my body..and that is pretty much all of them...crap im pretty sure i could easily get a one way ticket to the hospital psych ward..but what would that help??? my stuff and my apartment would still have to be packed up..i would still have to move...i would just be forced to allow someone else to do it for me ..and that i dont think i want...some things are juts not for other ppl to see...so that is not a real option... and i right back to where i started...looking at my apartment and the overwhelming task in front of me...in the next week..because really thats all i have..i cant kid myself and think i have more time..i cant make anyone give me more time...and im pretty sure not paying my rent means i need to leave..and i dont want to go to court..have i mentioned that yet?? crap ill take the stupid judgement and some how work on paying it off..but going to court makes me feel like im going to be yelled at for messing up..and its one of those things that i want to go to alone so that no one will be there to see me cry..juts incase i cant keep myself under control...and on the other hand..i guess i have some idea of what i am walking into..and so there is no point in crying about it anymore..

im tired of crying..im tired of everything..im tired of being strong and capable and whatever else it is that i need to be..when will i be able to call it quits?  give up?? stop fighting?? stop fighting with myself...stop fighting with the world..just i want a break..i really do..and im not going to cry while writing this..im just not..

in the midst of all of this..the one high point in all of it is that sarah is in the picture..the one person i can be around and not feel completely scared and anxious..i can ignore the rest of the world when i am with her..and without her i am just sad and lonely..things really have changed alot since we started talking way back in aug..i have to remember that it is 2014...so everything is past tense..except being evicted...that is actually a 2014 happening... but anyway..met her in august..and after a lot and i do mean a lot of talking and hanging out and everything..we started dating in nov...and then things kinda just took whatever course they were going to take because now..now there arent really any words to describe where the relationship is at..it scares me and makes me happy at the same time..i want things i never thought i would want..and past things are making me doubt what i want ..and how i feel..and im embarrassed i guess...at how easily i slipped away from not wanting anything at all..to wanting everything and then some...aand it still takes me a while but i am trying to ask her for what i want in certain situations...fear and shame are still getting me though..filling my head with old thoughts and things ive been told in the past..it sucks..that i actually have a real shot at finding happiness and accepetance..and im still trying to analyze the crap out of it...i dont want to do that...i work hard to juts enjoy when im with her..because i know that at some point she has to go home..and then i just become the crying needy dork who doesnt know what she wants and cant seem to let go...

i dont know..maybe its the depression talking..i would like to say that im normally not this negative..but thats not true...i havent outwardly been this negative in a good while...but old habits die hard..and right now..negative and mean and hateful are the ways that i am viewing myself...but i would never view anyone else like that...that would be hurtful to them..but i cant say that about myself...no..i guess this has just been the trickle down effect..things that are bound to happen and there is no way to stop them...i can accept i guess that i will destroy myself ...ive been trying for years..what makes now so much different?? but i had stopped trying..with alice and courtney..i told them what was going on..i did..and they helped...but now i am slowly pulling back from them..i know i am..because at some point soon i will be again forced to say goodbye to alice..and only see courtney every once in a while for med refills...there is no point in telling them anything else anymore...and so again..i fall into acceptance of things that i have no control over...but i can completely control just how mean i am being to myself..and that has no limits at the moment...so my list is long and intricate ...

this is what happens when you start to think things are ok..and that things are manageable...then the real world finds you and breaks you in half and then leaves you to die...i guess im just waiting for the "and then you die' part..but that would make sarah sad..and i dont want her to be sad...

back to very quietly walking that fine line between ok and not okay...and the further i walk..the more i end up on the not okay side...but i am good at pretending ... i can pretend to be okay until i die...until i have to pretend though..i guess ill be hiding at home..until tomorrow anyway ..when i have to go to work ... i can fake some happiness right ? i can at least fake neutral if nothing else..

oh i didnt bother with making a new years resolution this year...i see no point to it..and i dont need the extra ammo at my disposal when i fail at that too..

i guess that is all i have to say...my head is tired..and i really am trying not to cry...but thankfully taji and bounce keep my secrets for me..

one year clean

I am writing this and i am not sure how i really feel about it.  It is a huge step since i had never been able to make it past 3 or 4 months..before I would give in to the urges, to need an escape or a way to hide from the emotions that I did not want to feel.  I realized this earlier today..what the date was..and I cried.  It was as if I was saying goodbye to an old friend all over again.  Love and hate all at once. I have bared my scars for the past couple days, without fear, without hiding.  The scars will not fade anymore.  They are there to stay, to show that I am still alive.  Maybe I cant see the achievement in this yet, but one day I will.  It was not easy, it was a struggle, a daily struggle to be safe, to be calm. to think and not just react.  Through everything that has happened in the past year..I did not try to solve it with a razor. i have cried, screamed, cried some more, thought, overthought..did i mention crying?  It has been different..it has been hard..and scary not being able to go and use the immediate calming technigue that had worked for years..to not revert back to old habits..to understand that it is ok to be sad or hurt or angry or well anything..its ok to feel..and now I know that it is okay to say that I am not okay.  It is still hard admitting it at times, but my cicle of support is growing and filling in.
I guess the main thing I am trying to keep understanding, is that no matter how upset, sad, scared, angry, or hurt I became, that cutting did not make it better.  I was hurting myself and had convinced myself otherwise.  The truth is though, that I was hurting myself, on purpose, I deserved it, I needed it..I wanted it..
Now I understand that I can live without.  That there are other ways to express how I am feeling.  I am still learning to use my words..but I am no longer in the same place that I was a year ago. I will never go back to that place. Yes it lasted for a lot of years, but that is now the past.  There is no need to revisit that past anymore.
-jaded

i am

I am loved
I am important
I am not alone
I am wanted


That is enough for me
Now I have to remember it

morbid thoughts

this week has me feeling pretty down...ok majorly down and depressed and worried and scared and all sorts of things..im tired and worn out..and every day it feels like such a chore walking into my house when i come home...

this really has been a week from hell..arguments with mommy about money...arguments about going home for christmas, going home for christmas and being separated from sarah...i dont like sleeping alone anymore...i want to be near her but my mom has other plans and is determined to have sarah in the other mom and both of us cant sleep in there cas the bed is not big enough...im planning on making this trip as short as possible..it was lovely being told that my christmas gift will be gas money to go home with...i feel so loved and important :(  im glad i at least was able to get sarahs gift..i cant really afford gifts for anyone ... well i plan on getting noa something..but i feel stupid going home with nothing..knowing that i cant afford to do anything for anyone right now...and im being forced into once again...

so many worries going on right now..and i dont know what to do about any of them..will i even have a freaking place to live come next week??? im tired of all of this..the worry..the stress..the fears...and trying to manage and failing miserably...im tired of crying..and fighting and struggling ...i really am...this week..im juts all out of positive ... im not happy..im to nervous and scared to be happy...and its beginning to present in my body...im tired and sore and worn out..im trying so hard and still things are all messed up and and hard...

brother was in an accident tuesday night...a bad one...one of the passengers in the other car died...im scared for him...im worried for him..and i am practically hundreds of miles away and cant do a damn thing to help at all ..no the accident wasnt his fault...but at the same time .how do you deal with knowing someone has died?  a 19yr old...it is sad...very depressing ..and makes me feel guilty that i am glad my brother is still alive...what does that say about me..how horrible i am ... how useless i am ..

god i wish i had someone to cover for me with work today because im afraid that i cant handle it..right now im sitting and writing and crying as if the world is ending ..and maybe for me it is...when is it ok to throw in the towel and say im done?? im tired..i dont want to do this anymore..?  and it took till now to realize that the suicidal feelings/thoughts have woken up...geez im really stupid for missing this...really very stupid on my part..

feeling like a failure

right now i am majorly feeling like a failure...like i have messed up and kept messing up and now things are juts all screwed up...losing my job was the worst thing that could have happened...everything has fallen from there..and yes im working now but the effects of not losing for like a month is far reaching...i owe everyone..my bills are behind..im struggling to just keep my head above water..and im sinking..sinking hard and fast right now...im not making enough to catch up and live where im at..and pay bills and pay car stuff..and my mom told me that im not giving her enough money back from what she loaned me..and i still need to pay for gas and food and all of that...after trying to pay on other stuff...and so today..after ive been seriously worrying and stressing about money and what can be paid and all of that..my mom calls and i tell her what she can take out of my acount and she tells me that she had been expecting more...she asked if that was all i could spare...im sorry i dont have more..im sorry there is one thing that i HAVE to pay to avoid things getting worse dealing with my job and my old job and all of that..so that money has to be taken out of the equation..and im making less than i had been making ..and so yeah im stressed out..worried..scared..waiting to be evicted from my apartment..wondering if i will be spending christmas packing and trying to figure out where ill be staying..if the other apartment isnt ready..and i told her that if i couldnt afford to come home for christmas then i cant do it..i wont be guilted into it..i wont ask to borrow money...if i cant come then oh well...but it was after talking to her that i guess it all hit me..and i started crying..while sitting in the car..waiting  for a client..it took a while to get myself under control..well about 40 mins to get myself under control..and i was able to finish work and all of that..and just came home...and still have been crying off and on all afternoon...just trying to figure things out..trying to figure out what im going to do..trying to not think about the future that im completely unsure about right now..im tired..im depressed..im scared...and no i dont have the slightest idea of what to do...crap i may end up in a hotel for a little while..who knows..i just dont know...and i want to be able to spend time with sarah..and have privacy..and just not be so scared about everything (and insert more tears) ... ive been talking to her since i got home..and trying hard to be honest and tell her that i am scared and everything...it is hard admitting ...it is hard to juts ccry and cry and not fight the tears...no cutting..no dying...just crying and trying to be ok with the fact that i am upset and overwhelmed to the point of crying ..for lack of anything else to do..anything safe..i want to sleep but cant seem to fall asleep..so ive just been online and listening to the tv...

i just dont know where things are going right now..and im scared and feeling hopeless and like a failure...thats all

changes..love..and fear

to say things are changing would be putting things very very nicely...i feel as if everything has been uprooted and its all looking for new space..a new setting..something that will feel comfortable again...my head, my body, my thoughts, my heart, my soul...all looking for something and afraid that accepting it will cause everything to fall apart...trusting myself..is still a very fragile thing..i trust  sarah..who is my girlfriend..so ill prolly write a lot about her and things..just a warning lol. 

maybe i should start a little more at the beginning...sarah messaged me first..on good ole okcupid...a site i joined on a dare..and didnt really think much of it...i joined and kinda of left it at that..but sarah messaged me in aug..and i guess i had been on the site for a couple months or so..but we started emailing ..and i found she was easy to talk to..which for me is a majorly big deal..silence has been my best friend for so long that well being able to talk so freely with someone was overwhelming. i wanted to talk to her..and tell her things..

and then we actually met...and  i found out that i liked her company, i liked her mean cat even, i think i just liked her in general...like we could be friends type like...fast forward a couple months..and things changed a bit..i was spending more time with her and missing her when she wasnt around..i was there for her when she was struggling with things..and she was there for me...and somehow gradually..it became more than just a friend like...but i didnt understand what i was feeling...i was afraid ... very afraid..i didnt know what to do or think..or how to even really express to anyone how i was feeling..and again it was sarah who listened to me ramble on and on about the past and how things were..and different things that happened and being afraid and not understanding..and not once did she tell me to stop or to grow up or anything like that..she talked me through it..told me to talk to my therapist (yeah if you read any part of my blog its kinda easy to figure out that i am in therapy)....but from the beginning i had let her know that i was dealing with past issues..in therapy..on meds..the whole shebang...i felt guilty not telling because i know i can get attached and attach strongly and quickly..and tend to become a burden for ppl because my boundaries are so underdeveloped...and well i wanted her to know what she was getting into in a way...and still we hung out..i had told her that i was comfortable just with being friends at the time..that anything more scared me..and she was able to comfort me and calm my fears..

right before thanksgiving..we had a couple of indepth chats...about different things..and the end results of those was that i was in a relationship..i have a girlfriend..me..the person who was positive that i would be alone for forever..and i have someone who i miss on a daily basis..who i worry about if i dont hear from her during the day..who i talk to about everything..good and bad...and i think it was when i realized that i missed her when i wasnt aroudn her that let me know somewhere in my head that something was different...this was not the same as me hanging out with yvonne and talking...no it was completely different..and took me to a place where i had no idea what i was doing or feeling or what i wanted...i was afraid..i am afraid..

i talked to one of my docs a little bit about and she asked me if it made me happy for someone to tell me that i was beautiful...and as much as i wanted to deny it ...i couldnt...it did make me happy..it made me feel wanted, needed..important...i still am very confused though..and still plan to talk about the whole relationship issues/fear that i seem to be having in therapy..but for now sarah gets to listen to all of my random questions..no matter how embarrassing ..she listens..

so skip ahead about a week and thanksgiving hit..and i went downhill pretty quickly emotionally...i didnt keep the fact that i was struggling from her..and she told me more than once that she would be there..and that things would be ok...we went to my home for thanksgiving..a place that still fills me with fear and terror...but i went and sarah went with me...and its just interesting how things turn out...how suddenly i am ok with being near her and allowing her in my space without fear...that i can help her with what she needs and she helps me..we talked a lot while at home..and i was able to tell her a lot of what i was afraid of..ask her for comfort..well soemtimes ask...still having to work on that one...and i think we got closer..both physically and emotionally..some things happened and had to be talked through...but it was all ok..i was able to ask her to kiss me..it may have taken a lot of time and effort on my part to juts get the words out ...but in the end i did..and i have asked a lot for that...

we spent wed - sat at my moms house..and came back home yesterday..and the lonliness set in quickly...yes we talk multiple times a day..but its not the same..i miss her presence..i miss her holding my hand .. i miss her kissing me and comfoting me when im scared..and being at my own apartment just magnifys the lonliness...i know right now it is not viable to be with her all day every day ..but that is what i want..i want to be with her..and be able to tell her i love her and want her and need her in my life.. even today ..less than 24 hours since i saw her and the fears came back..and i talked to her about them and was able to calm down...

im still struggling to understand the changes in my body...how my thoughts are suddenly full of embarrassing things...that i want so much and am afraid to ask for it..that i dont want to have to keep myself under control..but im afraid of losing control or giving it up...and then i end up confused and sad because i cant figure out the words...i keep thinking about being able to see her on tuesday..and what i want is by far not the innocent, harmless thoughts of someone who has never been in a relationship...im aware of what is involved in a relationship...and even though it embarrasses me to no end ..what i think about makes my mind wander into so many different things...im afraid though that my fear will keep getting the best of me...that i will be afraid and shy...and not ask for what i want..whatever that may be...

you know out of everything that has happened in the past few months with sarah and the relationship growning and changing and becoming more...it is simply the fact that i willingly showed her my arm..at some point im sure i will show her the rest ..but my upper arms are destroyed from cutting..the scars will not fade...they are as faded as they are getting...but i showed her ...and she kissed them..no yelling, no fear, no disgust, nothing like that at all..she held my hand and kissed my scars..and something inside of me settled down just a little bit...this is different..this is personal..this is not me talking to my therapist or my med doctor...i didnt have to explain..i didnt have to defend them...they just are ..the scars..its like everything about me that i have learned to hate and destroy and hurt..she accepts ...she accepts me as i am..she has told me so more than once..and i am having to learn to stay in the moment..to not let the past or the future have so much control anymore...the one thing that i have wanted for so so long..and denied that i wanted it for just as long..is right in front of me..and she is waiting for me to come to whatever terms it is that i need to come too..and i dont want to mess that up...i dont want to lose it...i hate how much the past has affected and is still affecting me..i hate how controlling the fear can be..how overwhelming..how much i have to fight to actually voice what i am thinking or feeling..but i am trying...a year ago i would never had accepted anything more than friendship..and now i am in a relationship and am able to allow someone else into my physical space...i know it takes time and all of that to get past the old stuff...i dont want the old stuff to mess up what i am able to have now..it all gets a bit mixed up at times ..in my head...but i think sarah and love are slowly beginning to win more of the disagreements...yeah im still afraid...this is all new to me..and even though i feel completely stupid for not knowing any of this..how to deal with any of this..or how to even put a name to what i am feeling...its happening all the same..

i have to keep reminding myself..that im not going to be hurt..that its ok...i have to remind myself when the fear becomes overwhelming..or the loneliness comes.. but im not alone anymore...not completely..because where i end..sarah begins..and i think that is th.e way it is supposed to be

still afraid ....

as i sit here..7 in the morning...doing nothing at all but thinking..i am still filled with fear..i feel stuck..and at a complete standstill because i dont know what to do..im afraid of going home..even now...im 30 years old and going home...the thought of going home still reduces me to an almost childlike mind frame...im afraid and anxious and scared..and i feel like crying because im feeling all these things and i dont want to feel them..i have to much to do..but the fear stops me ..and i end up thinking ... overthinking..the tension is back ..not even the medicine helps this one..and i know that..and i know ill need to be careful with the stupid medicine..im not looking for an escape ..i have to remember that..i have to remember to stay present..to not get sucked into playing mind games with her...but i cant relax...over and over i think about anything that might get me in trouble..anything that might cause an argument..did i pack the right things..how do i look..how am i acting...do i sound happy enough..i juts want to lay down and not have to think about it...not have to deal with it..but still the tears come ...the fear..the wanting so much for things to work out..and going home and coming back more broken than when i left...im trying to remind myself that i will have sarah there..and noa..and nia..but still i feel so unprepared..im not ready..i need more time ..crap..maybe i shouldnt have written this morning...at least im allowing the tears this time..i wont cut..even though i want to..i wont hurt myself ..but the skipping meds and not eating is doing the same thing..its just the scars arent visible..i want to be happy..i really do..i want to be thankful and grateful and all of that..and instead i sit here crying because im afraid ..it makes me sad that i still have so many ways to hurt myself without doing it directly...i get scared and the old thoughts come back.and i try to not listen to them..but its over and over..all i hear in my head is how worthless i am..how stupid..that im not good enough..i go through all the times i remember being at home..how many arguments..how many times i managed to get in trouble ..how many times did i get hit or yelled at or ignored..why do i even want to go home..im driving myself crazy with this...i dont need any help being mean to myself..i think ive got that one covered...i am my own worst enemy..i wish i could say that i wasnt feeling suicidal...i wish i didnt want to hurt myself juts to get out of my head for a little bit..and with glaring reality i realize that i dont see alice this week..i talked to kathy yesterday and that helped a little bit ..but yesterday is not today..and yesterday i was crying like i had lost my mind..i dont know what i want or need...everything is just mixed up right now...and i have less than 24 hours to pull it together and get myself under control...the negative thoughts take over and i dont remember why it is that ive worked so hard to not hurt myself..to not cut.. or burn because that is more easily hidden...its been a long time since ive considered the burning...yeah..im not really feeling very capable of anything today..

needing to write for right now ...

im upset..and i know i have a right to  feel how i feel..but im tired and angry and just so pissed off with what is going on...and it makes my head hurt...im trying to stick to the agreement that was made but im not making enough to stick to it..again my fault for thinking i would be able to make more than i thought i was making...and now like everything else i have fallen behind and of course miss i dont care about you and your issues comes along and yells at me on the phone..and im trying to be calm and collected and not react..i am...but i have no one to blame but myself and now there is no record of what i have paid and ill be damned if im paying it again....oh forget it...im tired..this is making my brain hurt...im sad...and im just hurt and stupid ...until this gets behind me..i feel like im juts spending all this time watching my back...-sigh- forget it.

i am afraid...

i realized tonight that thanksgiving, going home, and taking a friend home with me ..is causing a lot of anxiety..im scared that she will end up liking my family more than me..and then want nothing to do with me..or that my mom will treat me like she always treats me and someone else will see it..and my friend will hate me and believe what my mom is saying..and ill be left alone..in general going home is really hard..but realizing that its coming and soon and with all the other stress going on..and i am freaking out..im wanting back the old habits..i want to sleep and hide and go away...i dont want anyone to know that i am going downhill..i dont want to mess up...

im wanting to hide ..and have quiet..and not deal with anything..

the depression is hitting hard..and i have to hide it...always have to hide it..

yesterday

even as i write this i can ffeel anxiety in my shoulders..i can feel the stiffness the pain ..i cant seem to relax and i dont know why..ok maybe the conversation that i had with my friend the other night has be a bit anxious...money and lack there of has me very anxious...moving..the cats..just -sigh- so much going on ... and im trying to ignore it all..and i cant ...i just cant because ignoring it makes it worse..and i end up completely stressed out ...i dont like this..im trying ..ok maybe not as hard as i could be..but im trying arent i?? im working..living...trying to get by...trying to catch up..just freakin trying ... and im just struggling with it all..so very much..

not even writing this is helping right now..so signing off until later on

what do i want..

i want to be with someone who tells me im beautiful
someone that im not scared to be around
someone i feel safe with
someone who wont hurt me
someone who cares about me
loves me
knows me
and still wants to be around me

You can't go through life thinking everyone you meet will one day let you down.

i dont know what i have to offer anyone ... i dont feel that i deserve to be loved..have love..shoot most of the time i struggle with just being friends with a person..forget about love for a sec..im afraid though...that is so vulnerable ... loving someone else...and i want to question it..i want to understand it..it makes me cry because i dont understand..because i am 30 years old and i still dont understand .. why would anyone like me? what have i done to show them i am worth being liked? loved? tolerated? 

but i do want to be loved. i want to be happy..i just want..

maybe i have it wrong though...i keep thinking that i dont deserve love..that i cant have it..that i need to run from it...but i have already been told that she wants more..that she has feelings for me..and no amount of doubt and confusion on my end is changing her mind...maybe the question should be am i willing to accept love...am i willing to put myself out there for someone else and to have whatever it is that we have...

she said she will wait for me...to feel comfortable..that she wont push..but my panic and fear are overriding everything right now...and im afraid to identify what has me so scared...

fear of being different

you know..i wrote that sentence and realize that it is so pointless and so significant all at the same time...its pointless because i am different..because i have been judged by many, including myself..i have been labled and hurt and scorned and forced into things..i have been picked on and bullied to the point of wanting to die..wanting to run away and hide... 

tonight i am talking with a friend and the conversation has turned serious and my thoughts are hitting the usual blocks that i have built up..and the fear comes in...im scared but of what ? like terrified that someone likes me more than a friend..and i cant wrap my head around it...i dont understand it...growing up i didnt have much in the way of feeling like i was liked unless i had something someone else wanted..but she likes me and ive done nothing to make her think im worth anything..i havent done anything that ..i havent done anything to make her think i am anyone special..but she said she liked me..and i knew it was more than juts a hey im your my friend..

but i truly can not wrap my head around it..we talked about it a little bit tonight..and she said that she would wait for me..wait for me to be comfortable with the idea of 'more' ..

i know what i want but i am afraid to make mysself that vulnerable ...i dont want to put myself on the line like that...trusting someone with my feelings completely...trusting that i will not be hurt..that i will be loved and happy...but i am afraid to believe that i can have that..afraid that i dont deserve it..that it will be taken from me...

no no no

i really am having a hard time putting into words what it is that is bothering me so much right now....im tired..and wanting to sleep during the day..so i know there is something i am trying to avoid..im sleeping for hours at night..and this is the day time i just want to sleep to be sleep mood i think..and so yes something is up...

but what is it??
stress about moving
stress about being approved for the apartment
paying my rent or letting it go at my current apartment
two possibly sick cats
owing everyone under the sun money
travels and holiday sh!t
worrying about traveling and holidays
trying to keep myself together with the holidays and my own sui feelings that come up
work
paperwork
my mom being all nice and accomadating to someone else..and i feel like im going crazy...
the debt i owe someone
not being able to afford to do a damn thing right now

take your pick...it could be any of those..it could be all ... there is to much to think about...to much to deal with and yes..i want to go to sleep and hide and pretend...

there is so much in my head and im so upset right now because of stuff relating to my mom more than anything else..like yes i have a friend..and for the love of god we are only friends..but she invited her to thanksgiving..and im not stupid..i know why she invited her..and i know her underlying reason for why she invited her..but those i can even let go of...its the simple fact that she is being so nice and accomadating and all of that for my friend..and its like what happened to acting like you cared when i was a kid or when i needed help???where was all of that care and conceern then ??? but now its like ok lets put on a good impression for a friend so that she will have a good time and feel welcomed and all of that..and i feel like a liar..llike my feelings and pain and issues arent valid at all because my mom is now so caring and helpful and nice ..and its like all those years ago..did i make that stuff up??? did i threaten to kill myself and hold the knife to my throat??? no that wasnt me..that was fucking mommy..but no one else seems to remember than...no one at all..and im left out by myself for being ungrateful and selfish and unloveable and just stupid stupid me...she will end up liking my family better than me..and then ill be by myself yet again...

i guess maybe i am forgettable..completely and utterly forgettable 

just down and sad and i dont know.

overwhelmed..

thats what it is right now..juts flat out am overwhelmed to the point of driving my self crazy..im scared and anxious and worried and did i mention scared and anxious?
as much as i want to back track and start somewhere at the beginning..i think it will be easier to juts start from today and go backwards from here..
today i go to have the second appt at the apartment place where we may be moving..i dont want to go because well i hate moving..i hate packing..im no good at it..im overwhelemed with having to do it alone and figure out how to get it moved and all of that...but im getting the apartment with a friend and so i cant cancel the appt for today...we have worked so freaking hard to get to this place and now i dont want to do it because im scared..because i know how quickly and easily i get overwhelmed when i have to pack and move...but i have to go..i keep telling myself that i have to go
when inside it feels like everything is just floating around..nothing is grounded..nothing at all...ive spent most of the morning juts watching the clock...watching the time go by..knowing i need to get up..and still just laying here afraid to move...i tried juts a little bit to reach out for support but i dont know how to ask for it ..i dont know how to say that im floating around in my head ..and need something to hang on to before i juts get blown away completely...where is the logic in any of that...trying to calm down and i get..im worried about everything possible..logically and illlogically im worried...im just freaking out and trying to stay calm and because of this .silence is winning out..and the need to hide and just think and process become overwhelming..

adding on to that is the fast that my mom has been helping me financially for the past month or so...a lot..and i try not to ask ..i really do..but in the end i had to..and so yes i was able to borrow money..with the understanding that i would be paying it back...the rules on that have changed thoguh..my mom had orginally said dec..but now she says nov..and if im moving in nov ..how in the world am i supposed to be able to pay her and my sister back ? but thats not important to anyone else but me i guess...being behind on everything even with help..has me freaked out..and that is juts on going stress since like sept ... having a debt that i HAVE to pay back that has nothing at all to do with my family has me stressed because that could cause me a lot of additional trouble if i dont pay it back...and so money and finances has me almost in tears on a daily basis right now..im working yes..and have worked all month but because of the job..my checks are behind..so i wont be getting paid until nov..and i know my first check is going to be really low.. but stuff has to be paid..and so its like ok..ive lasted this long on almost nothing..whats a few more weeks...and moving expenses and stuff we need and meds and all of it ..and its all hanging over my head and i dont know what to do to make it stop or make it better and im worried and scared and really wanting to cry...ive worked all month for checks that are already being divided and used for other things...i thought i would have a little more time..but i guess not...

im all out of positive right now that things will work out..i really am...i cant think anymore ..im tired of thinking and worrying and feeling so stressed out...having a lot of trouble with getting grounded today..and i know that going and looking at the apartment and what not is causing a lot of fear and worries..my mom calling and questioning me constantly has me on edge...the faact that i still have to borrow monney from her and what i owe her keeps increasing makes me want to just sit in a corner somewhere an cry..

i feel stuck..things are loud and quiet and messed all up inside..the fear is getting to us..and all i want to do is hide away and not deal with any of it...my head hurts..i spend all day trying to figure out what to do about all of this..where to somehow find extra money or something..i have to figure it out..i juts have to ..and not being able to makes me feel so so so much worse..like i keep failing at all of it..and im trying my hardest and still things are just messed up..and things are getting better..little by little..but all i can seem to see is the stress of everything that is not working out..yet..or isnt able to be fixed yet...

im tired. :(

things are moving back into just not ok zone..

im tired
annoyed
frustrated...just ugh
i want to cry

it is not often that i call myself a suvivor...it is a word that i avoid..i dont really know why though..i dont feel like i have survivied...i feel like i have managed to get by, to stay alive, to some how slip through and keep slipping through...i dont know ...

i saw a meme today and pretty much it asked what you would say to your yougner self..using two words..and im getting so so angry that i cant think of what i would say..what i would want to hear...so much fear and hurt associated with growing up and being at home and living at home..but i cant think of a single thing to say that feels right..

and cutting it down to two words is ugh frustrating me even more..

its not that i dont have anything to say..its that i dont know how to make it short and to the point..i want to explain..i want to  understand..

what would i say to the girl i was ..the girl i dont know..the girl i dont remember?

what was it that i wanted so badly back then?  protection? love? help?  what was it...

actually two words be darned ... i would tell myself... "you are special"  & "you matter"

that is what i would want myself to know back then..that no im not invisible, im not bad or stupid or selfish or crazy...i would want to be able to believe that i am important and special and loved..and that i matter..that someone, somewhere needs me to be alive..to be here...

guessing i found my breaking point ...

i think everything has piled up to the point of juts being to much to deal with..i want to sleep and just ignore all of it..i want to lay down and forget the world exists...i was doing ok..and i do know the exact moment when i started going down hill and have been unable to pull myself up...

on friday..before i ever talked to mommy..i figured out that there was going to be an issue with the money....i waited as long as i could but in the end i had to tell her...it became my fault...i messed up..i screwed up..and so for that i guess i have to pay..which means that the money she was going to loan me..i didnt get..i got less and was told that i would have to make up the rest ...i have money for a tank of gas...nothing more..i look at my fridge and i could cry right now...actually i could just freaking cry period at how completely messed up things are right now..ive tried and tried since i lost my job at the beginning of sept...tried to keep fighting..tried to figure things out..tried to think of everything possible i could do..and still ...im messing up...im tired of fighting this..im tired of depending on my mom for everything right now..and yes my pride still gets in the way....i refuse to ask for help until its to late...until im already in some whole that i cant get out of ...i dont want to do that..i wish i could just say i need help and what i need..but fear ... shame..guilt..pride...all of it fills my head and instead of asking for help i sit quietly..going over the numbers in my head ..repeatedly thinking of something to do. anything to do that will help...how can i stretch what food i have..how can i keep the cats fed and taken care of...ive never looked at the calendar so freaking much..wishing for the days to hurry up...wishing for next month to come....

i know that for the next few months i will be scarificing heavily...because there is something that has to be paid out of my check each pay period...before i even get around to paying bills and then there is all of the money i owe mommy and nia and rob..that i have to pay back...and so even working and trying to get my hours up..are going to keep me struggling for much longer...

there is still so much to loook at ...yes im working but getting paid wont happen until nov...moving will have to happen in nov...paying bills and all of that will have to happen in nov...my car stuff..my medicine..my cats stuff...all of it has to be put off ...for more and more time..until i can catch up..until i figure out how to catch up...

add in a few more worries for a friend who is struggling and waiting for a bed at the hospital to open up so she can be admitted...im scared and worried for her...and when i was in the hospital with her the other day..it took all i had not to give in and ask to be admitted..i just wanted to be taken care of..for a little bit..except i cant do that...i can never do that..and i will struggle with that issue alone...im a freaking adult and still i cant seem to figure out the real way to self sooth...god i just want a hug..i want someone to tell me its going to be ok..and that its ok to cry...i just want to be held and allowed to break down for a little bit..just for a little while...

im frustrated and scared..and im trying so hard to keep it together..but this weekend..i seem to keep falling apart...im worrying and crying and hiding and fighting ..but for what ?? what is the point..because i dont know anymore...i really dont ...

taji is sick and there is nothing i can do for her until i get paid..im afraid my cats are going to die before i will be able to afford to take them to the vet...

my medical stuff is all out of wack .. my sugar is running to high..i cant afford the healthy food..and right now im eating more junk food than i should..but im cooking when i can..but im still skipping meals too...i have a new meter to keep track..im checking..i am..but even that is becoming to much to deal with..and i dont want to do it..i dont want to know what is wrong anymore..i dont want anything else to be wrong...

just hiding and avoiding the past couple days..i dont have the energy to fight anyone...no energy to yell or defend myself against mommy..there really isnt any point in that at all...i want to take my meds and juts stay in a safe emptiness where i cant be touched..where i cant be hurt...im just tired...

changes are making me feel out of place....

things are changing...yes i am fully aware of that..i am stable most days...trying to replace the negative with positive..working to keep hang on the negative thoughts..to remember that i am ok and will be ok and that the hard times will pass...

and at the same time..i find myself annoyed with some of the places i visit online..just that it seems im not on the same level as them anymore..im not constantly in crisis..im not feeling suicidial..im not actively cutting or hurting myself...yes i still have some things to work on yes..but sometimes..i just dont know..

im beginning to once again feel like im not fitting in..that im just hovering somewhere between managing and being okay..will the good days outweigh the not so good ones...

im taking my meds..im seeing my doc..im trying to deal with my life and do what i need to do..and i trying to let go of everything else...i want things to be different...i want to be happy and find happiness..and i am afraid..but i want it so so badly..im trying to understand that it is possible for me to be happy..with myself..and with my life...i want it to be happy..safe...protected...

now i wonder about the future more than i wonder about the past..the fear and hurt and pain is there but it gets a little bit smaller each day...im talking about it...honestly.. for me..i dont think i need to hash out everything in the past...deal with it and let it go...and that  i think is something i have been doing without therapy in all honesty...

but i am afraid of being better..im afraid of losing the support..im afraid that i will e left to care for myself with no support at all ...

i dont know

Things are definitely changing.

things are changing...im hoping for the better. i really am...

i started my new job this week..found a possible apartment place that accepts 3 cats and is incredibly affordable! got my car stuff handled, and will be making money again soon. well in a month.  but you get the idea.

i saw my therapist yesterday and had an interesting conversation with her. about how i am doing ..progressing, gaining more confidence..and it was embarrassing..but for once..i did not fight her on it. i did not argue with her or go against what she was saying.  i actually almost completely accepted it. after the holidays we will be talking about whether or not i will be continuing therapy...and i think that all things considered..i may stop therapy for a while..see how it goes...i want to hit my one year mark with my current therapist..well my one year mark for no s/i...i just gotta make it to january 1st...and if things go the way im wanting them to go...everything will start looking up by that time next year also...ill be able to save and have a roommate who i actually like and get to keep both taji and bounce!  i am worried about the apartment stuff a little bit...but also excited too...im trying not to worry and juts wait and see how things will play out..but well the worry is there all the same..i mean i want a new start..a fresh start..a place that will allow me to have peace of mind..and be able to have fun and not worry..that is what i want..well i want taji and bounce too ..and even emerson.who is sarahs cat..i think there will be a fit to see which cat sleeps the most...bounce or emerson...and then comes the little stuff like making sure the cats see the vet before moving..as i want them groomed completely..im trying to figure out what i want to do with my furniture..or lack there of lol...i dont think i really want much out of my apartment..furniture wise...but i say that and its like ..umm where am i going to get a bed from then?!?!  im getting ahead of myself majorly.. -breathe- ok first gotta get the apartment...and well that may not be as straightforward as i want it to be..i dont mind them running my credit..shoot ill tell the guy i have sucky credit..but i dont want my job to be the thing that makes us not get approved...thinking that makes me feel really sad..because i want this so much and im not sure if my information will help or hinder things...i really dont want this to mess up..i know there are ways around having my credit run and all of that..but i have to talk to sarah about it and see how she feels..i think if we put both of the applications in..and let them run them and then say whether or not mine passed through would be a starting place...if mine doesnt..then maybe sarah can allow on her own for the apartment and i can just do the notary thing that says im helping her finacially to make up the rest of the money..and of course the bills would still be split of course..but yeah..gotta start somewhere...and i need to find my birth certificate.. we will need a couch lol..a table..chairs ..suddenly my lack of furniture is glaring its ugly head ..blah..of course im worried about furniture at a time like this!

but yes so many things are changing..it is slightly scary..i almost cried today when i realized i was able to pay my rent...really almost cried..

ive been good this week and am taking my meds like im supposed too...trying not to take the night one to early..but i am sleepy and want to go to sleep..but if i go to sleep now ill be awake at midnight..and that wont be helpful at all .

guess that means i will have to keep myself busy this evening...fun times