can you handle the truth?

my mom was here for a full week..a full out week..and it was not easy...i tried hard to keep my temper in check and thankfully most of the time i wasnt feeling good anyway..bu this is mommy and mommy doesnt take being ignored lightly..

from the very first day she got here the questions and accusations started..what have i been doing..why is my apartment such a mess..why dont i talk to her more..what do i have to hide? etc

she asks me if she was a good parent..she says she was a good parent and i look past her and think about everything else..i remember the hitting and yelling..i remember the threats and the pain and the sadness..i remember wanting to die every single day and not being able to do it..not going through with it..i remember when i stopped crying..and i remember when cutting became my cry for help i guess..but by then it was just to late...to late to safe me..to late to look for me...to late to say you cared..to late for im sorry and i love yous..it was all fake..and wrong and i dont believe it..i dont want it..

mommy came and i was expecting some things..but not everything...she asks me if she has done something..she tells me to be honest..she tells me she was a good parent..that she gave me everythin i wanted..that i got to do so much stuff as a kid...but what i dont remember is being loved..i dont remember being hugged..and i dont remember being wanted..

i dont have answers for her questions..i dont know how to make her feel better..because it goes against what i am feeling...what i know...it makes me doubt what i remember..and it makes me wonder what is so wrong with me that i only remember the bad stuff...where is the good stuff?  where is the fun and all of the things that mommy is so sure she did for me..but pretty much i guess she is asking why i am so messed up..what is wrong with me? why dont i date more..why dont i go out more?  really when i do bother going someone im questioned to death about it..when i go on a trip im questioned so much its not even fun anymore..when i do go to visit a friend i have to call home multiple times a day to check in..for what??  what am i doing?  what does she think im doing ??

am i really the only one who remembers?  am i making this all up?  i remember the beatings..the hiding..the fear..i remember knowing on some level to never ever go to mommy for anything short of me dying on the floor..and even then i could question the need to really tell her or ask for help...no if i couldnt figure it out by myself then i just didnt need to know it..i was more afraid of her than i was of anything else..i am still afraid of her...she still controls me so very much and i still cant seem to break away from her completely..

while she was here this past week..i didnt realize that some of her questions made me doubt what i knew .. doubt the little bits and pieces that i did remember...she says she was a good parent..ok..yes we did travel a lot as children..we went to amusement parks and to visit family..we did all that i guess you are expected to do as a child growing up..in that extreme i guess i was lucky..ive traveled a lot of places...seen a lot of things...but at the same time ..we were all used against each other...my brothers and sisters  and i...i knew to be quiet ..but sometimes it was the simple little questions that would point out that someone was lying about something..and somehow i just got the short end of the stck at those times...

mommy says she doesnt remember..but how can she forget?  all the times i got the shit beat out of me for things i didnt do..only once i got a real apology..and again .it was one of those its a little to late for that...you cant take the beating back..how is she able to forget all the different things she used?  anything within range..brushes..brooms..extention cords.. the broken base board..the plastic baseball bat..switches..whatever she could find..and when that wasnt enough..she would stand behind me and tell me e verything that was wrongw ith me ..everything that was wrong with what i was attempting to do..which was most likely cleaning or something...how could she forget all the times she threatened to leave me at home ...while my brothers and sisters were free from the same rules that i had...they didnt have to do what i did..they didnt have to clean like i did..and then i was never ready in time and so i was threatened with being left..with not being included..

she hated me..so why couldnt i hate me? i just got better and better at it..and i hid it well...anything could set it off and beacuse i was saying it all quietly to myself in my head..no one even knew just how much it was that i hated myself..hated everything about me..tried to kill off the parts of me that i didnt like..or want..and i was reminded quite often that there were a lot of things about me that just werent good enough..how i was compared to my brothers and sisters..why couldnt i be like them..

she seems to have forgetten that she made me eat out of the toliet...that she beat me for stealing food..because i wasnt allowed to have what my brothers and sisters had...she swore i pushed my younger brother down the steps..and i dont remember..i try to tell her i dont remember..and then im just in even more trouble..how could i forget?? well damnit how can she forget?? all the embarrassing, humiliating things she did to me..in front of other people...she told me that i wasnt able to go out with my brothers and sisters on a holiday because i had to stay at home and clean...and i wasnt allowed to go..i watched as everyone else got to go to the movies or something and i was left to clean up...i stopped asking for help..there was never ever any point at all..

stay up at night and think about how to run away...wonder how no one saw the unhappiness...and well i didnt matter i guess...i had a mission to die and i was going to make it happen...why did i care..mommy threatened to kill me anyway..and i wanted her to do it..she had the knife and everything and would have saved me the trouble...but again another threat..another lecture about how im nothing and she hates me..but i couldnt juts leave...i needed permission..i wanted permission to just leave..and i have never gotten it..and so i am tied to her...and cant get away...but i am still the awful selfish one because i dont visit enough..i dont care enough..i dont give enough...

the times i did need protecting no one was there...except she was there..in a different room..but i was the good girl..she said go play and so i went..but the game i didnt like.. i guess after that i started messing up all my dolls and what not..trying to make them better..trying to kill them...hurt them and love them...that was the game..that was what i understood.. the more it hurts..the more love there is...mindless puppet..act without thinking..move and play and do without responding..dont hold me down..dont want behind me..dont stand behind me...dont give me an ultimatum for something i want..dont make me do something i dont want to do...

you worked hard to scare me into submission and now you wonder why i stay away from everyone???  why im afraid of men?  you taught me well...and then you called me a whore for my trouble..you swore i as a slut and that i would be caught...the naive child i was believed you and didnt understand what was supposed to be happening to me..what exactly was it that you were so positive i was doing?  what was it that i constantly needed to be punished for?? but no i never did end up pregnant did i? how said is it that i was well into college before i even understand the meaning of the words whore and slut..college?! but fear of being caught at something..paranioa at being caught ..kept me in line i guess..the mindless little idiot that i was..the clueless little idiot that i was...and it was that naive little kid that got pushed into the real world..a world i didnt understand and wasnt ready for...and still i messed up..i was a screw up..and everyone knew it..

what i was 3 the first time i tried to run away from what i was told by my older brother...after that i think i was watched more closely i guess..but even then i wasnt the center of attention..not that i know or remember..i dont remember ,,my life is slipping me by and still i cant seem to grasp on to it or keep up with itt..i still forget...i still dont remember...and at these times all i have is my silence..all i can do is lock myself away to keep myself safe..and with mommmy here and in my space..no i havent been feeling safe at all..

well this is my update for what is going on...

so much has happened..and i dont know where to begin really...im tired


ok well now that ive actually had this open for about 3 days..i think ill actually write...i need to write today as my thoughts are becoming overwhelming and i am sad..i am thinking to much..i an trying to keep resting and healing but at the same time worry is plaguing me...and im just afraid i think...


so what has happened?  gosh has it really only been two weeks?  I saw the surgeon again to just talk to about why the surgery was canceled..and that led to the surgery being rescheduled for the 20th of march..a week..i flipped out majorly..i was crying and sad and unable to cope at all for that week..i wasnt feeling well and then stressed about mommy coming and everything was just happening so fast ..and i was scared.. very very scared..but like all things the days kept moving and the surgery date got closer and closer ..and i was thinking about running away..disappearing..taking enough meds to juts knock myself out..anything to get myself to calm down and stop the freaking out..i met with the nurse at the hospital and had the procedure explained to me..what was going to happen..etc..it was then that i was told i would be pretty much naked..and that caused a whole different set of problems...the scars i have are only hidden if i am fully dressed...i couldnt be naked..i didnt want to be undressed..i couldnt be undressed...and again i flipped out...mom and sister came up the day before the surgery..and the day of the surgery i showed up..scared..anxious..wanting to be anywhere but where i was at...but i was there..it was a lot of waiting and finally i was taken back after having to force myself to go to the bathroom before the surgery could happen..but eventually i was taken away..and to the or waiting area..watching the nurses and docs and feeling so scared and anxious..finally told the nurse i was still partially dressed..blah blah blah...and had to finish getting undressed and all of that..finally i was given something to help me calm down and i was moved into the operating room at like 3ish..and then everything juts kinda happened all at once..and i know one of the nurses did ask about my scars and i told her something..and the masks and things were put on me and i was told to just breathe..and somehow the next thing i knew ..i was being told to wake up cas i was finished and the surgery was over..it was after 6 or so i think..i was going in and out big time.i know there was a tube down my throat when they tried to wake me up the first time..the next time i woke up it was gone but i was still having a lot of trouble with focusing and the nurse was telling me the surgery was over and that i had done well and i was just trying to tell him my throat was hurting or something..and after a while i was taken to my room..cas i had to stay over night..and mommy and nia found me in my room..and i was still trying to wake up fully and talk but was in pain and sleepy and fuzzy headed..they  stayed for a little while and then i told them they didnt have to stay at the hospital because my sister was pregnannt and not feeling well..so i told them to go home..and then they left and i was scared cas it was so quiet and dark and i couldnt do anything ...the nurse was really nice though..and was super energetic to be so darn late at night cas i called at random times for different things..mostly something to drink and to get up and go to the bathroom...i came to really like the nurses..i think i liked feeling like i was being taken care of..that someone was paying attention to me and bringing me things..and it was ok because i was supposed to ask..i got pain meds a couple times and did a lot of sleeping off and on...more random lab work..checks and other stuff..morning came and i was able to talk to my doc and he filled me in a bit more on the surgery and what had happened..and that the gallstones were all near and in the bile duct at the bottom of my gallbladder and he said that was probably causing a lot of the pain that i had been dealing with...so it was removed and the liver biopsy done too...he told me my liver was abnormal but that the results would come back in a couple days..but that i would find out more at my follow up appt with him in a couple weeks..but i was told i would be able to go home on thursday..and that i just had to go to the bathroom by myself..well that was the problem..i had to go to the bathroom but i couldnt and i tried and tried and still couldnt go..and so the doc decided that i would have to have a catheter because my bladder was super full and i wasnt going to the bathroom...i hadnt been to the bathroom in hours..almost about 24 hours by the time the doc came around...it had been long enough that the doc said i couldnt go home until i went to the bathroom by myself...

well the catheter had to happen and it took three nurses and i was trying hard not to cry because its not as if they were being gentle about the whole thing..i know it had to be done..but with them not knowing my issues already and me not telling them..well it was juts a big deal and overwhelming and a lot to deal with..and they got it in..after two or three tries..i dont remember but it took more than one try..and it was like me not being able to do anythign at all while the nurses are like holding me open and sticking the stupid cath in and looking for my bladder and all of that..and so they got it..and of course i went because well the tube was there and my bladder was full..but finally it was done and they were taking everything out and one of the nurses said something to me and i just started crying...dont know why..maybe i was just really truly overwhelemed and scared and having that whole thing done when i dont like being touched ..much less having anyone that up close and personal and just being embarrassed and upset and hurting and ugh..i was just a mess for a little while..i was able to stop crying after a few minutes..and the nurse did let me get up and sorta clean myself up a bit..because of course through all of this i still had my period .which just made it all worse in my opinion...but then i was able to calm down and get myself together....one of my coworkers stopped by and brought flowers..and then my mom and sister came and stayed until i was able to go home...i actually ate my lunch and was able to thankfully go to the bathroom on my own and was able to go home..

couldnt do anything at all i was in pain..and then having my mom telling me that i couldnt take the pain meds the doc had given me..and so i was hurting a lot and still trying to do things for myself and not able too...mom decided that i needed to get up and walk and her idea was that i needed to actually go out..like out in town walking and what not..i could barely get in and out of the car ..but i had to go and i had to walk..and the pain almost had me in tears and i just wanted to lay down and she wouldnt let me..and so she kept yellling at me about my breathing..cas i wasnt taking in deep breaths at all and my breathing juts got more and more shallow..finally though friday we came home and i just laid down and went to bed..i couldnt do anything else..saturday was a repeat...more out and about and me struggling to walk and do anything and not being able to get in and out of the car without help..and so by the time we got to having lunch that day i juts broke down and started crying again...because i was hurting and i hated that i couldnt do things by myself ..and that i needed them to help me..and i just wanted to be by myself and all i wanted to do was go home again and lay down..and my trouble with breathing was just getting worse...and i couldnt breathe..and not even laying down when i did get home got me to calm down and breathe...and so i ended up back in the er cas i couldnt breath...all sorts of tests done..all came back normal..no blood clots..no pneumonia..just not breathing in deep enough and getting in enough air...aand so  sunday i got to go back home...and again another day out and about and again my breathing got worse the more tired i got..and by this time i was feeling upset and not able to have my own space and having my mom here and telling me what to do..and what to eat and what not to do and just ugh..i didnt realize i was getting so triggered you know..and finally monday comes and tehy leave..and i did appreciate all they did for me..i really did..and do ..but i know i needed some time to myself...needed some time to just collect my thoughts and calm down from all that had gone on..and take things slowly..and take the pain meds.and juts rest you know...

and i guess that leaves me where im at today...feeling better overall..but still hurting a bit and still struggling with sleeping..because of pain...afraid to leave the house and what not...safe here ..not safe out in the world..trying to keep myself as sane as i can..and work on some work stuff to email in..and all of that today...i keep saying im gonna go out and see my clients but im afraid to drive..because i am still hurting u no..but i cant hide out in the house either...

but some things ha ve come up inside with mommy being here..and everything...and so just having to go a bit slower with things right now...

and no t this week..and ppossibly no t next week..not sure on that one yet...but hopefully ill talk to courtney today at least for a little bit..and get some things out..

i mean yeah things could be a lot worse..and i am starting to feel better..and the cats are back at home now..so now i just need to focus on getting better...and not over doing it...thats the plan...

but still feeling a bit on the sad side of things...i dont know

God, Religion, Anger

It is not often that I talk about my anger at god relating to my past and experiences and things...most of the time i just keep it to myself you know..becuase it is so hard to understand why it is that i am so mad..i dont understand why i wasnt helped..why no one noticed how unhappy and hurt i was..how could no one notice?? was i that invisible ?  did i deserve it that much ?  was i that bad  ?   i dont know. i dont understand..all the times i was forced to church and was told that praying and being good and following the rules was what i was supposed to do..that god would save me if i prayed hard enough..if i tried hard enough..and i prayed..i did..i prayed as hard as i could asking for help and i was left there...i was left to be hurt..i was left and my sister was taken..i was left to be hurt and picked on and abused..and after a while i just stopped trying to ask for god to help me..i figured i wasnt important enough to be saved..that i had done something so very wrong that there was juts not any help left for me...i thought about dying, killing myself, running away, car accidents, death, so many different things just to escape a life that i wasnt able to deal with..and instead i ended up staying there..i lived and am still living..but my mind is broken..my heart is broken..and my body is broken...how do you ask for forgiveness for all the things ive done ?  all the wrongs i have let happen or did myself..what forgiveness is left for me ? how do i find it ?  am i worth it ?

shame

shame is an interesting thing...sometimes i am not ashamed at all..and sometimes the need to hide and protect everything i possibly can dealing with the self harm is strong..and right now being in a situation where my body is not able to be completely protected..and i am afraid and ashamed...i cant hide if im not allowed to even wear my own clothes..and i count on my clothes to keep the bulk of the scars covered up and out of the way..vulnerable just doesnt even begin to cover it really..im just scared and tired and want this to be over with...now...

Sixx: A.M. Lyric video of SKIN off THIS IS GONNA HURT

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YL2b3DDp18



"Skin"

Paint yourself a picture
Of what you wish you looked like
Maybe then they just might
Feel an ounce of your pain

Come into focus
Step out of the shadows
It's a losing battle
There's no need to be ashamed

Cause they don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart

Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you've got
That you are not your skin

Oh [X2]

When they start to judge you
Show them your true colors
And do onto others
As you'd have done to you

Just rise above this
Kill them with your kindness
Ignorance is blindness
They're the ones that stand to lose

'Cause they don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart

Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you got
That you are not your skin

OHHHHHHHHHH

Well they don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart

Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you've got
That you are not
That you are not your skin

finding the truth does not really help...

i have been against the surgery since before i even knew i would have to have surgery...didnt want it..not possible to even talk me into it..and then im presented with a situation where surgery is really the only option..one that it has taken a good while to even accept...never got around to liking it or wanting it..but somewhere in my head i know what it has to be done..it will be done and now it is much to late to back out of it...that being said ..ive had a million and one excuses about what can go wrong..why the surgery is not a good idea..why i dont want to do it..what im afraid of...and in all of it..i have missed the biggest most obvious reason ever..and i feel super stupid for not getting to this before now..and now it is to late..and there is nothing at all i can do about it...

the problem is not completely the surgery..its not being in the hospital..its not having to deal with the doctors and nurses...yes being put to sleep freaks me out..but while talking to the nurse today i realized that the bigger issue for me is that im not going to be allowed to stay dressed...and will only have the hospital gown..and no other protection at all...no other safety between my scars and the rest of the world..there is no way to hide..and i am not comfortable with that at all..and there is nothing i can do about it..no i dont want to talk to the doctors about it or explain it..but they will not be able to be hidden from the nurses or the doc...information i conviently left out..because in my head i was able to stay dressed..and i didnt have to get completely undressed..and yet somehow it never crossed my mind that i would be pretty much naked..wtf am i going to do...with my own anxiety going on..now i get to add in mommys comments and directions..and i dont think i can handle it..im not so sure i can handle it...and i have to take so many things into account and it makes me tired..and sad..and ashamed...very very ashamed..which is why i just wish i was going to be by myself ..so that i wouldnt have to answer to anyone..so that i would be able to scrap up just a bit of dignity..and instead..i feel like im left with nothing at all..and so no i am not feeling safe ..im not feeling protected...im scared..and mommy coming does not make me feel better...no it just doesnt ...

:(

Silence

I am shutting down, withdrawing, I dont want to talk to anyone.  I dont want to be near anyone.   I just want to be left alone for now.  I am scared, nervous, and anxious, and it feels like I am running out of time. I dont feel safe, and my space will be invaded next week.  All these months of hurting may finally end and all I can think about is how afraid I am.  How much I dont want the surgery anymore. I dont care about the hurting.  I am afraid and I am sad and I no longer now how to even be heard about it.  I am tired of all of it at this point.  Im tired of the back and forth, the indecisions of the doctor, waiting, being afraid that I am dying.  I dont care how simple of a surgery this may be, and also because there is a chance that I will have to get the full out surgery and so still I will be walking into surgery without knowing completely what is going to happen. It may be simple. I may be more than that but I dont know.  Still I have all of these days of waiting to find out.  I cant do anything at all about it. I cant do anything and  I know I am being irrational, I know I am not thinking clearly at all.  I am currently very anxious and hurting.  I am supposed to be going in and having lab work done and things.  I say that like i am not going.  I am going and I hope it goes okay.  My fear has become an almost tangible thing.  The need to move, to hide is strong. I want to disappear, I want to be alone.  Maybe it is that my mom will be here next week for an undetermined about of time that is making me more anxious.  This is my space, my area, and my space is about to be invaded big time..

I wont have taji and bounce here either.  I am to worried about my sister being pregnant and around the cats/cat litter.  I am sad about it, very very sad about it but I am trying to keep everyone elses best interest in mind.  Not so much my interest per say.  I know they will be safe with my friend, but at the same time I am terrified that they will forget me,  they will no longer want me.  I am feeling very insignificant,  easily replaced, easily forgotten. I feel like i am abandoning them at a time when I need them the most.

At a time when I should be reaching out more for support, knowing that I am having a hard time dealing with this.  Instead I am hiding.  I am silent. I am just trying to make it through the day and the closer it gets to the surgery the more afraid I am. Im not even sure I can handle a session with Alice next week.  Im so worried about everything right now.  I feel like there is so much to do before mommy gets here.  I know she said that its ok and she knows that I am not a daily cleaner, but at the same time I know she will get here and I wont hear the end of it.  I will be reminded again and again of how useless and stupid I am.  I will just be reminded that I am lacking in some skill and told that I need to be ashamed of how I am living.  Again I will have failed at life in general.  Everyone asks if my mom is coming up and I say yes.  That is not an easy yes to get out, there is so much attached to that yes and so few people know the real turmiol that comes with mommy coming.  I would be considered the most heartless and selfish person in the world if i even tried to tell her not to come. 

I have switched back to survival mode.  I have to manage.  I have to be brave and not scared. I cant show fear, I cant cry.  Everything is building up inside of me, all the fear and pain and hurting. The uncertainties, the rushing, the push to get answers and not being able to. The constant fears of failing, of more hurting, and I know I am not dealing.  Yet right now somehow whatever it is that is holding me together is very fragile, easily broken.  Am I safe? Am I stable?  Will I die by accident in surgery and be put out of my misery? Finally. It wouldnt be a far jump to say I am feeling a bit suicidal.  The need to just numb everything out, to juts let everything go and leave me alone for a little while.  I want to lay down and not have to get back up.  Going into the hospital with fresh cuts is not a good idea. I know that.  There are other ways of hurting myself that dont include cutting at all.  That is all I think about. That is my only escape from life.

anowy snow day

i find snow to be very calming as it is falling...i like snow..i like watching it..i like being in it at night when everything is quiet and still...

i needed a calming day....i did

i dont want to do this anymore...

im tired..i dont want to keep doing this..i dont want to keep going from doctor to doctor..i dont want to keep hurting and no one being able to say why..i dont want to not be listened to..i dont want to be told that i need to be happy .. and i dont want to be told anything really..and i want to hurt...im realizing that i am wanting to hurt..to go numb to not feel anything anymore...just one more door slammed in my face today..and im tired of all of it..and i dont know what i want to do anymore..i dont want to try anymore..i dont like so much being out of my control..i dont ..im frustrated and tired and sad and drained and im out of ideas..i just want to be left alone..i dont want to talk to anyone or be around anyone or anything..i dont want to have to deal with anything..and now what am i supposed to do ??  keep myself safe ?? for a life i want no part of ?  not hurt myself when all i want is an escape??  lie and pretend becuase that makes everyone else feel better?  no im just a disappointment...a failure..nothing...

im nothing ... and i dont have the energy left to fight anymore ...not right now... i want it to be over and done with..i do...

the cycle begins

right now....right now im just feeling sorry for myself..i want to go to sleep and ignore everything ...im ashamed of myself right this minute..super ashamed of myself...

ive been purging ...binging and purging and hiding and lying and just its the whole cycle starting all over again..it used to be really bad..purging two or three times a day..right now its once maybe every other day..but all im doing is sitting here and thinking about which foods are easy to purge...im sitting here thinking about just how much i need to drink inorder to make the purging easier..all those numbers and tricks and charts and games are just filling my head again ...and i want it..i want something that will get the pain out..i want something that will just make me forget that im hurting ..that im feeling bad..that im just messing up..and i dont know how to stop it..im not sure i want to stop it...i tell myself that its going to be ok..that i can stay in control and that i only need it for a little while..and that it wont get out of hand...but is that what is going to happen?  can i honestly say that it wont get out of control?  this one i hide much more carefully than the si..i would rather die than to acknowledge that i am purging..and that i like it..i want it..it hurts and i need to remember what it is to hurt..i need to separate ...i need to be able to separate the pain out...i need something to focus on...and im just not sure what is going to happen...for now ..i will just track it...and track what im eating..and my weight..but i just dont know...i dont know how hard im willing to fight this one...not right now...

Self Injury Awareness

 

Today is Self Harm Awareness Day. I did not want to let it pass without doing/writing something to acknowledge it.

I have self harmed for years..My scars will not fade, but they are no longer an embarrassment. They are not something I have to explain if I do not want to. They are a part of my story, a big part because it was how I showed I was hurting. It was how I asked for help, even when I didnt want help. I hid it, pretended, lied, made up excuses...I did all of it.

Now I am working to gain control of it. To stop hurting myself and instead learning to speak and express what is wrong in healthier ways.

I have found hope in the midst of chaos..and I wish others the same.

Peace and Love

hopeless and tired

right now i am just feeling completely hopeless and tired of everything..i feel like everything i have dealt with for the past few weeks has been for nothing at all...its like being told my pain is not real..my pain is not important enough to be dealt with now..and what the doc wants me to do is to work on losing weight...and that is going to fix my problems?? i saw the report that said i had gallstones..and i am in pain often..it may not be excruicating pain..but it is pain...why cant he juts fix the thing that i know is causing the problem? and let me go from there?  so instead all the preparing and fear and everything has juts broken apart around me..and i dont know what to do or what to say...i really dont..i will go and see what the doc has to say next week as i dont really have a choice..well i have a choice but i might as well see what he has to say..and then i guess i will go from there... but i do know that i will no longer mention or complain about anything pain wise..whats the point?  if im sick..so be it...obviously its not bad enough to need immediate surgery so i guess ill live...and i will put it all to the back of my mind and just let it go for now...as i dont know what else to do..my head is not in a good place..and i do really feel like giving up..im tired of all of this...i really am...

what i want

i am feeling alone..and lonely..i want comfort..i fieel sick and i just want comfort..and i dont know how to get it or how to ask for it..and it just makes me feel even more alone..and i dont know what to do...depression is back..i am tired..im worn out..im tired of dealing with the hurting and not being able to do anything..i want kathy..i want physical comfort so bad it hurts..and there is no one to get it from..what do i do?  what do i need?  what do i want?  i just want to sleep...i dont want to feel anymore...

needing to address my feelings....

Lately i have been having some stomach issues...major stomach issues...my reg doc figured out it was gallstones after sending me for extra testing and all of that...she felt it was important enough to refer me to a surgeon to obviously get them removed..which means having surgery...which terrifies me so so much...

but i saw the surgeon on thursday..and it was a very shaming experience...i really feel that the doctor couldnt get past my size...couldnt focus on the fact that i was hurting..and instead told me repeatedly that i need to lose weight..that i should consider weight loss surgery..that its because im overweight that i am having problems not the pain from my gall bladder..and i listened...asked a few questions..felt really ashamed of myself...because once again its my size that is the problem..its my size that is being pointed out..and it hurt me..because i know im overweight..i know i should lose weight..i know all of that..but i didnt go see the surgeon to talk about losing weight..i went to him because i was hurting and i want that fixed...and then i can figure out what else is going on if anything..and so yes i was very hurt and ashamed and upset...i left without scheduling anything because i just couldnt get past what the doc said...talked to the person who had gone with me a little bit..and heard most of what she had said...but still i couldnt stop the tears from coming when i was by myself...i couldnt understand how things had gotten so turned out and messed up so quickly...i didnt know what to do..what to say..i know i am in pain..and i know my gallbladder is a part of it..there may be other stuff going on..but i can only deal with one thing at a time..when i was able to calm down and realize that i was becoming overwhelmed..and upset and struggling to plan what i needed to do..and it took a little while but i finally decided on a course of action...the gall bladder is something i know is wrong..something i know that can be fixed...and that is what will be worked on first...and i will deal with what ever surgery i end up having..and whatever i will be able to do or not do and recovery and all of that...i cant do a million things at once..and trying is only going to stress me out...and so i went ahead and asked for the surgery to be scheduled..i realized that i am the one in pain..and i really dont care what the surgeon thinks because i dont agree with his assessment..yes i am overweight..i have been overweight my entire life...i know that..but it is my gallbladder that is the known issue right now..that is what i want fixed right now...and the rest..well the rest is juts gonna hhave to work on it as it comes up...yes i know the importance of eating healthy..i do..i understand the need to stay healthy and get to a healthier weight..but i hate when that is made to be the whole problem..tell me something i dont know...tell me something useful...i refuse to have surgery to lose weight..i do..im not doing it..i dont care what anyone says about it..im not doing that...and so that is where things are at right now...between now and the surgery..yes i will be paying attention to what i am eating...yes i will be more vigilant about how i am feeling and not binging out on junk food..but having another doc tell me to lose weight is not going to get to me do anything..but the opposite really..tell me what to do and ill do exactly the opposite...i dont work like that..ill hear you and not hear you at the same time...but i just needed to get some of that out...

70 days

its been 70 days ... with no s/i  

do i feel proud of myself ???  i feel proud that even with all the stress and struggles going on..that i am still managing to not harm myself ...

fear....

i think that today in therapy i became down right scared..like heart stopping fear..and i dont really remember what the cause of it was..i know we were talking about my lack of eye contact..and i know we had talked about how it can be perceived...and somehow the anxiety turned into fear..i couldnt do it..i cant do it..yes it is a habit ...but i am afraid...im not able to protect myself if i look at someone and maybe that is the part of it that i need to tell alice..that im just afraid and scared and worried that something bad will happen and i will be hurt..becuase looking at someone means i am letting them in compeltely..im not avoiding them..im seeing them and they are seeing me..and i cant hide...i so very much want to hide..but what is it that i am hiding from?? the shame and guilt..the fear of being in trouble..of not being enough...the old thoughts of if you knew me..if you knew the real me..you would hate me too...i try to protect other ppl from my badness..and so i avoid connecting..i avoid all types of realtionships..i can be polite and nice and kind..but i still dont let many ppl in at all...because then i get hurt..and so i pretend i dont care..i pretend it doesnt hurt...at the bottom of it all is my non exisitent self worth..im not important..im not wanted or needed..and i still believe that..how can i trust myself when i still balked at the very idea of my existence...i may be more stable these days..and that is even a touch and go type stableness lately..im tired of fighting..for myself..with myself..against myself...i think the suicidal feelings and urges are sneaking back in..the need to hurt..the need to numb everything out...the need to just not exist...and im trying to fight it i am..but every day it gets a little bit harder...every day it takes so much energy...im closing in on myself..im closing in on everything..shutting down..trying to disappear...and im just tired...

i dont want to pretend to be happy..i dont want to pretend to be anything..but pretending is all i have..happiness and contentment still elode me..i cant find it...i want it but i cant find it..and maybe i just need to stop looking ..

sometimes i think i just want to know that i am needed..that i am important..that i am wanted...and maybe that is why my tired indifference has been so big today...i slept most of the day and this morning was close to tears when talking about what mommy told me...i am afraid to ask anyone else...and so the sadness and confusion has no where to go..i dont know what to do with myself..just sleep and not think...thats all...

my heart is broken...my mind will follow

my heart is breaking ..i can feel it..i know it..and there is nothing i can do to stop it..i cant fix it..i cant make it better..i cant do anything but hope that i dont manage to do anything stupid right now..my thoughts have become a single sentence of negativity..and thats all i hear..that im worthless..that im stupid..that im nothing...that no one wants me around..that im not important..that im not needed..over and over and over...what have i done?  what makes me so very bad and awful? and not worth anyones time or care or concern...i dont know what i was thinking...i really thought i could have the attention and care..that i would have the help and company..but again..everyone else comes before me..and i only get what is left over...maybe im not as strong as ppl think...maybe i need help and care too...maybe i dont ..i dont know...im just stupid stupid me..and no one will notice if i am not even here...

there is not enough to share...

i saw alice last week..and i told her that this wouldnt be the greateest week...but i was wrong...this week has been awful for all of the reasons that i didnt even list with her...the depression is hiting hard..and i did totally shut down for a couple days due to feeling super unsafe with myself...im trying not to do anything today that will get me out of the house to buy any razors...how long as it been?  12/15/12 was the last time i cut..almost two months..trying so hard to remember that and not go backwards again..but i am hurt..and once again i am reminded of just how important i am..and i am questioning what my worth is..am i important?  am i needed?  does anyone at all need me??  those are the thoughts running through my head..that has me ready to cry because i am feeling so hurt ..and alone..and i cant even talk to my sister since she is out of town..and i dont know...maybe im jut being a baby and over reacting..i mean i am an adult..i shouldnt need anyone to take care of me..i should be able to take care of myself..but mommy has once again put a limit on how much help she will be able to give...how much help i will truly need..for me there is a limit...and with the limit i would just rather not bother..i dont want it..i dont want her..and she has even made me doubt my sister being able to come and stay for a few days...and in the end it will jut be me..and i will just have to manage as i can...i dont know why i thought this would be any different..i really didnt...i dont ask for much..i really dont...but i wanted the attention..i wanted the support this time..because i am scared..but im not supposed to show that fear either..this is a simple surgery so what do i have to be afraid of?? no im not going to need much im told..mommy has told me and told me over and over that this is simple..that i will be fine..darn me for thinking anything different...darn me for thinking that i was important enough to just get the support and attention for this one time..but again i asked for too much..my needs cant be met..because i am to needy...because im a baby...and so i have been reminded of my place...reminded of what i can and cant have...and i feel so very alone..sad..broken...the pain is back..but again i will do what i am used to doing..smile and pretend it is not there...that is all im good for..stupid me for forgetting...i wont forget again...i wont..

anxiety....

To say things are making me anxious would be putting it nicely.... i found out yesterday that nia is on a cruise with her husband for valentines day..and the jealously was instant...i told her in the end that i was happy and hoped she had a good trip.. and i do..i am..maybe i am just feeling lonely lately..and just not feeling good and struggling so much to juts get through the day..im tired....and the urge to cut is just getting stronger..the urge to just numb out and not deal with anything is getting stronger..i want to sleep so that i dont have to think anymore.. my brother is having surgery today and i am scared for him..im ashamed at how jealous i am feeling that he is getting care and support and i am left alone to my own devices even though i am sick and been looking at having surgery for like 3 weeks now..but him getting hurt became more important..he needed immediate help and care..and so i am just back to saying that i am fine..no one likes a complainer and so i will just keep my thoughts and how i am feeling to myself..there is no point...no point in asking for anything at all..from anyone...

yesterday my anxiety spiked again with a work issue..and i was scared..i wanted to cry..and i didnt know what to do..i ended up at the dentist with a clients son...i had to go back with him because his mom couldnt do it because she is pregnant and they were giving the kid laughing gas ..which can be dangerous to pregnant women..so i went back with him..and the kid was having a tooth pulled and some fillings pput in...the fillings part was ok..he did a great job...but when they got to the pulling the tooth out..the kid lost it..and he was crying and calling for me and i couldnt do anything at all to help him..i told him i was there and finally i asked the doc if they could sit him up..becuase he wasnt hearing what they needed to do..and they got him sitting up and i was finally able to go and sit with him..and i held him..and talked to him..and got him calmed down..but with his tooth out it was bleeding and that was freakking him out and so he kept getting worked up..and so juts couldnt get him to stay calm...and i ended up calling his mom because she had walked to a different store and i told her she needed to come back now..and i ended up standing/sitting outside with the little boy..i was holding him..and got him wrapped in my coat because it was rainy and what not and we are just sitting outside..and i held him, and rocked him, and got him calmed down..and we just sat there for a while..while his mom went back to talk to the doc and go get him some medicine..and slowly he calmed down and was just laying against me..i talked to him, and kept him against me, and kept rocking him..until everything else was takin care of and then i got him in the car...and we went on with the day..but my anxiety was up..i was scared..i kept hearing him calling me for help and i couldnt get to him..i couldnt do anything until the doc was done..because the tooth was already out..it was just getting him to calm down and listen to the doc and getting him to help with stopping the bleeding by biting the gauze...and finally the docs moved away enough for me to get to him, and i hugged him..and held him..and told him over and over that he had done a good job...i had to talk to him and get him to look at me to tell him what the doc needed him to do..but becuase he was crying and pushing the gauze out of his mouth they couldnt get the bleeding to stop..and so he kept touching the area where his tooth was gone and freaking out more..and it was just so so nerve wrecking...they had to go to the store a little bit later and so i stayed in the car because i had you know blood and spit all down the front of my shirt from when he had been laying against me...which i didnt care about at all..but i wasnt aboout to walk into the store like that either..and so i used the time in the car to kinda calm down..i texted a friend and let her know that i was seriously worked up and needed help calming down ..and i played a game on my kindle and then put the relaxing music thingy on and had that play for a little while as i continued to try and calm down...and by the time it was time to take them home i was tired...worn out..achy..just not in the mood for anything at all .and i just wanted to go home and sleep and becuase they are so much farther away it takes longer to get to her..and its harder on me..driving back and forth to her...

my anxiety is raised anyway because of my appt next week to talk to the surgeon and finding out about all of that...i have asked someone to go with me to the appt..because i am scared..but will see how that goes...

there is juts to much going on right now..and i know i am just running myself down trying to do so much..but just sitting at home would drive me crazy..and the funny thing is that all i want to do is just stay at home and stay in bed...

maybe i willl find something nice to do for myself today as it is vday...i dont know..

hurting...

things are sudddenly moving to quickly and the fear is back..the anxiety is back..and all i can do is try to force it down..push it away..i cant be afraid..im not a child..this is nothing right..a little surgery..nothing to cry over..i dont neeed anyone to be babying me at all..im just stupid for forgetting where my importance lies..i forgot that anyone and everyone can come before me and now that my brother is looking at surgery before me..he is the one getting the attention..and care..and me?  well ive dropped back down to where i usually am..just waiting to be noticed..just waiting to see if anyone even cares..and so i am pulling in..i wont talk about hurting anymore it doesnt matter..i wont talk about doctors or surgury or anything because its not important..ive dealt with it in silence this long so what is a little longer...what does it matter at all.. just once i wanted the attention, the care, the support..and not even looking at surgery can i even get anyones undivided attention..so whats the point..

i dont care and no one else cares either..and i am alone..i dont know why i thought anything would be different..i wouldnt dare say anything to mommy..no she cant be in two places at once..and well my brother is more important than me and so she will go to him..because that is the right thing to do...because i wouldnt take that from him..he is the youngest..he will need the most help..aand me..ill manage..because thats what i do..i dont need anyone..

just sigh .....

as the morning has gone on..my mood has gotten lower and lower and im just feeling sad...and slightly sick..and did i mention sad..im feeeling like a major failure right now for having no desire at all to do my work..paperwork...still seeing my clients becuase they make me happy..and they make me smile...

i just dont know...

right now...im just exisisting ..i know i am..and it is frustrating..i dont want to be around anyone..i cant be around anyone for long before im in pain and just wanting to go home..yes im prolly using the pain a bit more to advantage but ..ive ignored it for so long .that now i cant seem to not be aware of it and it makes me upset to know that i have really legitly not been feeling good and now i know why..but of course there are conditions...ugh..and now i just want the darn thing out ..but it isnt going to happen like that at all..

im just complaining...and in a rotten mood...

thankfully tomorrow is the 1st and i will have money to pay bills and get food and all of that...ugh..i hate not being able to do anything ..and my acct is so far in the negative i cant do anything at all..and this is after borrowing money..and so it is frustrating me big time...

just not feeling to positive today at all..

and i went to sleep aruond 3 or so yesterday..and slept off and on until finally i made myself stay awake at 5am...havent eaten since about 12 yesterday..and im hungry but nothing is getting my attention food wise...so i dont know..

again...just in a lousy mood..

afraid

this is just one of those days..weeks ..months that i wish things had turned out differently...i know i should write about how i am feeling but i just dont have the words...im afraid...very very afraid right now...i cried and cried yesterday and it has taken a lot to not cry today...if i stop and think to much the tears are near to far away..im scared and feel trapped by the whole thing..and im tired of being to ld that its ok and that its just a small surgery and not to cry...ill cry if i want to cry ok..its not often that i cry but i couldnt get myself to stop cryinig yesterday..and today ive had more time to think and more time to feel and yes i know somewhere deep inside i will have to go through with the surgeryy...because i do hurt...lately my sides, stomach, even my chest hurts...its like a lingering soreness..i cant get comfortable...and i just dont feel good you know...and so im scared and hurting and just unsure of anything right this minute..i dont know whats going to happen..how am i  going to manage without work for two freaking weeks?? possibly...depending on when the surgery is i will have to worry about surgery, money, everything..what am i going to do?? what am i going to do with mommy here for more than a couple days? what am i going to do when i have to depend on others to help me ? when i wont have my own space...and then there is the scary scary thought of how it is going to be paid for..and so right now my anxiety is high..my depression is high..i want to hide..i want to be left alone..i dont want to talk to anyone at all..and im just trying to keep myself under control...because right now i just cant think..im afraid and i just cant process anything at all right now..i dont know what i want to be told..i dont know what i want to happen...but right now i am having a hard time working past the fear...

im tired of thinking ..

and this has turned into one of those weeks where i am not able to let anything go..ive been thinking about therapy since tuesday..and i think that is part of the reason i have had a headache for like the past 3 days..i just keep thinking and trying to figure it out..and come to some sort of logical conclusion that i can work with..i want to be able to work with it and deal with it..but the problem is of course identifying what the actual issue is..and ive thought about it and thought about it so much that it seems like more and more is piling on top of it and that i cant get to the bottom of it because there is just so much there..so much to get through..and i keep writing and trying to figure out what it is exactly and why it is so hard for me to do something that is so  so seemingly   simple...so this time i am going to write it a little bit differently and see if that helps any..ill just kinda list out all of the different parts and see if it begins to make sense ...and well the hope is that i can do this without overwhelming myself..because i can feel that tiredness that feels like its just everywhere in my body and i want to just lay down and give up completely..im tired..really really tired..

so in my thinking what have i unconvered about my feelings relating to eye contact..behaviors and what not...

- safety:  I think that avoiding eye contact keeps me safe some how ... that i have to keep myself safe so i dont allow myself to form relationships with others..if i can help it..i am viewed at times as being standoffish i think because i get so scared and quiet in social situations..

-anxiety: in one on one situations i am more aware of my lack of eye contact and being aware of it just makes me feel more anxious ..more so if it is an uncomfortable situation anyway..like seeing a doc or therapy or work..and if the anxiety gets bad then the eye contact is worse..then the anxiety turns into fear ..and all hope if pretty much gone if it gets to that point..

-isolation: this one is pretty similar to the safety issue..again if i dont allow myself to be around anyone or look at anything then i am able to isolate and stay safe

-learned behavior taken to the extreme:  i had forgotten about some things from when i was a kid..and again it was one of those how in the world did i forget these things?  but mommy was very clear when i was yyounger about who i could and couldnt be around..i was told repeatedly to never be alone with the father of the kids i used to babysit..i became afraid of him for no good reason..he has never done anything to me..but i can still barely hold a conversation with him..mommy would tell me what to say, how to say it..i would wait for her to tell me what to say and if i wasnt with her and had to talk or something then i would get anxious and scared...but again it may have been a learned behavior but it is at gotten to the extreme end of things now..or has been at the extreme end of things for a good long while now...

-attention/being noticed:  i dont like thinking i have anyone attention..i dont like feeling like i am being looked at ..mommy stares at me a lot..and it makes me uncomfortable..and i dont like when i am looked at because it makes me uncomfortable..becaue i dont know what the other person wants from me..attention meant trouble..attention meant i had messed something up..that i had done something wrong..

-not used to it: im not used to looking at other ppl...i spend so so much time alone that i really am uncomfortable in a group setting or if i am around more than just a couple ppl..but it also relates back to feeling that i am being watched, judged, looked at,

i dont know..i really have been thinking about this alot and it is just getting all mixed up and i cant seem to stop thinking about it and its just making me feel worse and even more stuck...

my headache is back..

yesterday...was not the best day

to say i was spacy today would be putting things very very nicely...i had a hard time this morning figuring out what it is that i needed to do..instead of going to work early..i watched a movie and thought about doing my laundry...i finally did get up and force myself into the shower..but seriously i was like a lost kid this morning..i went back and forth and back and forth and kept forgetting what it is i wanted to do or needed to do or anything..and then i started to get frustrated because i knew there were plenty of things i should have been doing..and instead all i did was watch tv..blah..but oh well i got out.and saw two clients..and for some reason have been super tired today..like really wanting to just lay down and sleep...i had a headache again today..during the middle of the day for a while..i had a headache yesterday too..im trying to remember when i started getting them often again and of course i dont remember...essh..and so i finished work and came home and actually are a real dinner..and am working on a food log..cas i see the nutritionist next month..and well there are some eating issues going on in my head..but nothing to the extreme..and so now im just laying down and thinking a bit..still thinking about the eye contact thing from yesterday..and wondering if i have managed to get to the bottom of it..its not anxiety well its a little bit of anxiety but more than that it is related to fear...a very very big fear of being unsafe around people i dont know..a fear of being hurt if i look at someone else..attention caused trouble..and so some how in my head it turned into this huge huge fear ..and ive gotten so used to not paying attention to my surrounding..and ignoring ppl around me..and not seeing things..that being asked to look at someone really is very terrifying...i thought it was anxiety when i was with kathy and she was standing in front of me..but in a room full of people i was partially focused on her and partially focused on making sure no one was to close to me..and kathy told me that she wouldnt let anything happen to me..and even then i didnt realize it was the fear that was overwhelming..i knew i was anxious..i mean i was in a situation that i was not comfortable with..but wanting to see kathy outweighed my good sense to avoid the party at all costs...but i did look at her a little bit..and just being near her was able to get me to calm down some..i had to know where she was at all times or else i would just feel completely nervous and on edge and just watching everyone but not able to completely focus on anyone..mommy taught me well..and i didnt realize it then..i knew i had trouble with eye contact for forever..like even as a young kid..but i didnt know why..i didnt understand why..but mommy was very clear on what could and couldnt be said..so i didnt talk...she told me not to be alone with males ..so i avoided everyone i could..that still didnt save me though did it..cas when i was pushed to be social i was hurt..again the irony of the whole thing is just freakin depressing.. and i better stop...yeah need to stop

i dont want to remember

i dont want to know
i dont want to remember
i just want to be left alone
but then thats not completely safe either
and i do believe i am not of razors
damn

dont look at me....

i am getting incredibly frustrated right now becuase i dont understand my own behaviors..and i cant seem to explain them to anyone else and make sense...not when it comes to eye contact..and i dont understand why it is that i cant figure it out..

i talked about it today with alice again..somehow we got on the topic..i dont remember how or why but i know we talked about it..and that is one topic that almost automatically makes me anxious and upset and then i get confused because i cant seem to explain why..i dont know what to say..i know the simple answers..but for some reason i know that the simple answers are not the whole reason..its just not...and there is something there that i cant figure out or understand..and im fighting with myself to understand why and am just getting more and more frustrated because it feels like im going in circles..

why is it so hard?  im almost ready to just throw a tantrum and say screw it and that ill just never look at anyone else again..but that is not smart..and i have a feeling that if i dont get better at this issue then i will be back and forth in therapy for a while still...

i know when i was with kathy at the party and she was talking to me..like standing right in front of me talking to me..i know i was scared and kept looking around..and she had to practically physically get me to look at her..but doing it made me so anxious i think i was shaking or doing something not in the range of normal behaviors..because she told me repeatedly that i was safe..how she knew i was scared i dont know..ive probably told her before..i know ive talked it a lot with her and that i get super nervous...and scared..and did i mention nervous?

so anyway..talking about it today..caused the same anxiety..i was scared..but of what im not sure..i trust kathy to keep me safe..but it still takes a lot for me to look at her and keep looking at her...but i trust alice too dont i?  maybe its just what we talk about that makes me so scared and nervous..and i honestly dont want the attention..but again there is just more to it and i dont know what it is ...and im trying hard to stop the urge to ask kathy or anyone else what they think about it..or how i seem to them or something..i cant figure it out and so i want someone else to tell me what it is that i am missing..but i need to figure it out ..

i know ive never looked at my therapists...well i think i looked at the therapist before alice a couple times when she asked me too..and if i could get past the anxiety enough to actually do it for a couple seconds..and ive glanced at alice..and ive glanced at courtney..and i still feel bad that i spent an hour talking to courtney when i first met her and then couldnt recognize her five minutes later ... that freaked me out..and now i know her and of course recognize her...i wonder if i told her that? hmm dont remember...but anyway i know with like first meeting ppl my anxiety is really high and i wont look at them...specially if it is in a area where i feel like i am being put on the spot or getting to much attention or something..and at work jessica and the other supervisors know that they have to literally call my name and get my attention for me to look at them..im listening..i can keep track of everyone in the room or everyone who is around me..but i cant look up..im afraid to look up..i wont do it..i dont want everyone looking at me..or noticing me or even looking in my general direction..but then i want the attention from certain ppl..and dont want it from everyone else..i want alices attention but i cant look at her completely..i want kathys attention bad enough that i will occasionally look at her when she asks me too...but something gets in the way..if i feel scared or threatened or forced i dont think i do it..because if its one of those then i know my anxiety is going up and im not even paying atttention anymore..because then i just want to get away..and remove myself from whatever it is that is making me feel uncomfortable or upset..

with mommy looking at her meant trouble..being noticed just meant trouble all the time as a kid i think..but i guess avoiding eye contact didnt save me from anything anyway..not really...i still got hurt..but still for whatever reason i believe that avoiding eye contact keeps me safe...i get afraid that if i look at someone then they will just figure out to much about me and that is not safe.. i worry that i will be hated if someone finds out anything about me..and so making eye contact when im talking about myself is harder ..at work or with clients my eye contact is back and forth..not steady..but it is back and forth..if im out somewhere shopping or something..i go out of my way to avoid other ppl..i dont look at anyone if i can help it..but im always polite you know..and i may be able to track what is going on around me..but im not focused on any one thing..and it is as if i am standing there and there are so many things going on around me..but i cant see anything clearly..everything moves past me..and i kinda of track ppl because if there are to many ppl around i dont feel safe at all..but again its the eye contact ..the lack of eye contact that makes me safe...and i was talking to amanada about it ..and she mentioned it possibly being a control thing..and i hadnt considered that before..i mean control does happen to be a big issue with me..i want control but i dont control a lot of things ..well it doesnt feel like i control anything...but then the stuff that hurts me i had control over..i could do it or not do it ..the choice was mine...im guessing that somewhere in my head i am making the choice to look away..to avoid something..but it is so automatic that it happens and i dont think im always aware of it...im very aware when it is a one on one conversation with like alice or jessica or something because then i do have their attention..and i want it and dont want it at the same time..its like im trying hard to get attention now good or bad attention it doesnt matter..i just want attention..but its like i want the other person to pull it out of me..i want them to figure out what it is that i want or need..and i dont want to admit that i truly do want attention...well safe attention anyway..and i think that is where the cutting and other stuff comes in...i may not care about myself but if i do something to hurt myself and then go and tell someone..then they care..then i have their attention ..and still i may not be looking at the person but i know i have their attention...

the really confusing thing though is how upset it made me for alice to not look at me..like on purpose..it was automatic anger practically..its like why arent you looking at me ..im supposed to have your attention and it cant be taken away..and if she is looking at me then i guess on some level i know that i do have her attention..but if she isnt looking at me then i dont have her attention...and that is very upsetting..i cant make her look at me or not look at me..but i feel very upset when she isnt looking at me..i dont know..

maybe i just dont know how to do it anymore..maybe its just that ive gotten myself so afraid and that im trying so hard to protect myself ..that avoiding eye contact is the only thing i know how to do..i dont feel i am able to keep myself safe..and so if i avoid everyone..avoid building relationships...avoid talking..avoid all of it then i cant be hurt in anyway..i want to be safe..to feel safe..and for some reason being around anyone else does not allow me to feel safe...there are people im okay with like not anxious around them..or as anxious around them..but with a lot of people the anxiety and fear wins out and it doesnt matter how well i may know them at that point..the issue has grown so so very big that it covers everything..every single part of my life...and i know that i do believe that if i avoid relationships then i am able to keep myself safe from other ppl..mommy taught me to fear other people..i know that..she would tell me to never be alone with the kids i baby sat dad..she made me afraid to speak to anyone about anything at all..she would take what i said and change it all around until i really was being convinced that i had said something and i didnt remember it..and if i dont remember and she manages to cover me and start asking me about it or something ..then i end up agreeing even if i might not be sure..and then i do believe that ive said it..and then i am not able to trust myself or my thoughts..which in a huge round about way still brings up what was talked about in therapy today...crapola ..it makes me want to scream because its all freakin connected and i end up going back and forth and confusing myself and mixing things up..and then i worry that im lying or making something up and i dont think i am..but that whole do i trust myself comes up and its like well i may not remember completely..but i remember some things i say..and if i was lying i would really be mixing myself up..

and now its time to stop because my thinking is getting a bit unsteady...and im getting a headache..and if i could i would probably cry or something because i hate feeling confused like this...

very very sad...

I got a message last night that let me know that a child i know and care for is in the hospital and that he has had another seizure...i was there for the first seizure he had and was able to help and support but this time it happened and i was not there..im not really able to get there..and i am scared because i am not able to be there and see him and see if he is ok ..i need to see him and hug him and talk to him and know that he is ok and going to be ok...i am not comfortable with them being so far away..and im beating myself up for not having the money to go and see them..and not being to help in any way at all..and so i am getting a little stuck in the negative mind frame..and i know it is just the fear and worry and anxiety driving it..but i want so much to be able to fix this and i cant and i just feel like a failure...all i can do is wait for updates and pray and hope and hope that it will be ok and the little boy will be ok..and i will be able to see him again...

not the best day..but calming down

its almost 4:30 and im finally feeling calm enough to actually do something..and all im doing is writing..i had an appt today..a doc appt..and i was very scared about going..didnt want to go..didnt want to think about it..etc..just not to thrilled about it..but i went..freaking out and all i went..and got there and checked in and all of that ..and it wasnt until the person doing the ultrasound came to get me and it was a guy..that was the first problem that started to cause a reaction and i really didnt want to do it...im not ok with guy docs or guy techs or whatever when it comes to myself and what not..and so it took a lot to follow him and not flip the heck out...the second issue was when he handed me a darn gown and told me i would have to undress  pratially...now i dont undress for anyone and my doctor my reg one anyway always asks before she touches me or something during an appt..and so that just sent my anxiety into over drive..but again i did it and went with him..and tried to stay calm and not freak out..and during the ultrasound there were a few times when i did feel so overwhelemed that i was close to crying..and i couldnt focus on him so i either looked at the little tv or at the ceiling and just wished for it to be over quickly..it hurt a bit..the way he was pushing and what not ..but im assuming he got what he needed..and i was able to leave..and i left quickly..and made it to my car before starting to really freak out..and the most pressing thought was going home..because home was safe and i was not feeling safe at all..took meds on the way home  cas hadnt been able to take them earlier ..and so was starting to feel bad in addition to feeling a lot of other stuff...and so made it home..somehow with donuts (no i dont want to know)...and laid down because was just scared and afraid and didnt want to talk to anyone or be around anyone at all...its been a hard day..tiring and draining..and i ended up falling asleep for a bit..but im sorta awake now .. but head is all messy and trying to just not freak out right now..feeling calmer though ..so that is good at least...and now will have to wait for the results and see what they say...fun

afraid

im afraid
that is all
trying to just take it as i can until my appt at the doc today...just gotta make it to the darn appt..ugh

why are the standards different?

with this whole adoption thing..why am i being held up against a whole different set of expectations?? i would hope that i thought about finances and all of that considering i am willingly taking the child..but it is frustrating that everyone just wants to know what my plan is..im not a child...i have a job..a place to live..food..and enough love for a child..why cant that be enough?? why does everything have to be focused on money...i hate that....how many ppl in the world have children that they cant afford? not saying that i am going to be struggling even more with a child..no..it means my spending habits will have to change...it will be that my priorities will change...and it just upsets me because i mean..once again im looking for the approval of others in all of this..and it cant be about them..its about me and what i want to do..what i believe i can do...but having someone not agree i guess just makes me feel doubtful..like im missing something...i dont know..maybe im just over reacting and in a bad mood this morning..i dont know..really need to get in contact with courtney..

a bit down

A while ago..well its been a few months now..but there was this church i was going to and there was a big big disagreement and i was judged pretty harshly about some things...but i stopped going and pretty much lost contact with everyone who was there...there was one lady who i considered a friend..and even though i left the church i thought she was my friend and would stay in contact...well she didnt...i texted her on more than one occasion and no response..nothing...i let her know i had changed numbers and still nothing..and so i stopped trying to contaact her..i figured i had done my part to reach out and be a friend and she had turned me down pretty much..and this week..out of the blue she sends me an email and asks how im doing and to let me know that she had lost her phone ...for 5 and some months she couldnt text? call? contact me at all?  but i answered her email..just saying hi you know..and asking how she was..and today i got a response back from her about possibly going to the get together thing on saturday ..the singlles group..and at first i was super excited about it..like yeah she really didnt just drop me..but then i started thinking about it and began to get nervous because well its at the church and that is a place i am no longer comfortable...and being nervous about who i would see and feeling put on the spot since i havent been to the church in months...and so the back and forth started up and i couldnt decide..i want to go because i do miss the physical comfort that i got from some ppl there...but i am afraid of being hurt again..of being judged...and its like going back would lead to so many other possibilities and im not sure if the pros outweigh the cons in this one..as much as i want comfort and care..i dont think it will be able to come from there..:(  and that does make me feel super sad...

well

im not sure what i want to write about..i want to update but i cant seem to connect completely to what was said in therapy this week...i dont know..i know i told her about what i remembered..and we talked about mommy and that relationship again...but its like watching a conversation and not being able to hear the words..i can see her talking to me..but i dont know or i dont remember what she is saying..even though i was super scared to tell her what i had remembered..it was important to tell her..i want this stuff out of my head..i want to be able to let it stop bothering me you know...im trying..i truly am...

but for now i am feeling ok...work got to be super stressful on tuesday..so i didnt work yesterday...im working today and tomorrow and then it will be the weekend..yay...

i have actually turned in most of my paperwork..and gotten caught up..i feel so much better knowing the stuff is turned in..so i dont know why i just make things hard for myself by not doing it..but gonna work on that...work on keeping up and turning my stuff in on time...i kinda do need to keep my job as i look for another one..blah...

but things are moving a long i think...i think the pain ive been getting in my side and my chest are more stress related than anything else..so i am just keeping tabs on it..and working to stay relaxed because tensing up makes it hurt so much more...no im not having trouble breathing or anything..and pain meds/muscle relaxers do help with the pain...so yeah..just trying to keep things as calm as i can for now...and just not worry...im trying hard not to worry...

i think there are some things that are making me nervous and fearful and im trying to not let that get to me... i dont know..maybe ill even go to the park this weekend and take a walk and just think...

but somehow there is a calmness right now..and i think that worries me a heck of a lot ...

poetry

Life or Death

my eyes lose focus
as i think back and wonder why
my body drifts away
as i wait for the plunge that will end it all
i wait
silent
i shed no tears because there are none left
i listen and wait
as the knife is pointed at me
words are whispered
but i dont hear them
I wonder if i am ready to die
I wonder about the life i never had
i grieve for the love i never got
and still i wait
for her to make the decision
i wonder if it will hurt
or if i will finally be at peace

hiding in the silence.

i think what i remembered was an accident..during therapy yesterday..and i left without saying what it was i was thinking about because well ..words just became to hard and i didnt know how to say what i was thinking..without crying..and so i stayed quiet..i think i was looking for answers in the back of the door i stared at it so much..but i left her ..as i knew i would..feeling very sad..and i made it to i guess the front door of the place before i did start crying..because my thought was .well what i remembered was..that mommy said she would kill me..she had a knife and everything..i dont think i said i single word the entire time she was standing next to me with the knife..i dont remember most of what was said except that she would kill me..that she could..and what would i have been able to do to protect myself?  to stop it?  what did i do that was so awful that this was the outcome ? and i remember what it was..she was told i had been rude to a male friend of hers..he was drunk and i had nothing to say to him...guess that made him very mad..he told mommy whatever..and mommy after waiting a few days retaliated and let me know just what it was that she thought of me..and so she took the knife and stood next to me..and started talking..and i think i lost focus..i didnt defend myself..i couldnt think of a response anyway..there really was no point at all..she said i was wrong..and so i was..there was not much thought involved on my part i guess..but even then..15 years ago or something...i wished she would just go ahead and kill me..stop the threats..stop whatever it is that is so wrong with me..just kill me and get it over with..i wanted her too..i dont understand why she didnt..i really dont...and it had been a while since i had remembered this bit of information..and i dont know what to do with it..what to say about it..or who to talk to about it..deep deep secret that needs to stay hidden away..because it proves just how awful i am..yesterday i think i ended up shutting down a bit..i didnt want to talk..i didnt want to do anything..i wanted to go home but instead i worked for a little bit...i wanted to hide away..and not have to think about the hurt and shame and guilt..and im afraid that where my thinking is going will cause nothing good at all..and so i trap my thoughts away in silence..if i dont speak then no one will know..but not speaking isnt the whole issue..because i will think and think and think about it...go over and over it in my head..and im afraid to say it outloud because of fear that i wont be able to get it out..that ill end up crying and messed up and all sorts of things...i am afraid for myself right now..im afraid of what i will end up doing to stop the thoughts..because that little incident from all the way back then leaves me feeling suicidal now...so silence and sleep are my escapes for now..to get through today and the weekend...and i dont know..have to make it through today first..and im not sure i even want to do that..im really not...

just some fav pics :) of well me ~ 2012

 2012 ---- Life, Family, Friends, Pets, Traveling, Care, Love, and Support :)