regrouping ... need to think

ok deep breath...

right now i know i am bordering on being very unstable emotionally/mentally... im having a hard time managing..im having a hard time working...im hurting myself in a lot of different ways on purpose..and really it feels like i am back to just being in survival mode..thats all i can manage..and im worriied that it will get worse before it gets better..i really am..although a repeat of yesterday will not be happening any time soon...i felt awful..and out of it.and not able to concentrate at all ..it sucked..and i couldnt sleep last night at all..it was one of the i think im sleeping but im not completely sure...

but right now there is so much going on in my mind..and maybe it is just that it is th end of the year and i am looking at what ive done or not done..and worrying about what i should be doing...and again i am letting others fill my head with so many different things and questioning my actions and all of that...so many issues..money, moving, jobs, babies..so much going on..and just not enough time and energy to even begin to tackle any of it..and so i realize that i need to back off of some things and work on one thing at a time..oh yeah..add in therapy and doc appts too..and yeah my schedule is full...essh and it is becoming overwhelming ..and so i need to back off of some things and i need to be okay with that..

i got my lease renewal letter yesterday and i really truly thought that i was going to end up with them not wanting to renew my lease since i am late half the time paying it..but no i got the renewal letter yesterday and that made me realize that i kinda dont want to move...i mean i have been looking at houses and whatnot for rent and stuff but alot are in areas that i am not comfortable in...but i am comfortable with where i am at now..and i am going to wait a little bit longer before moving anywhere...at least another year..  right now i want to focus on my current job and my current notes and therapy..that needs to be my focus right now..because that is what is going to allow me to keep working..i have found a couple jobs that i do want to apply for...but at the same time i am still holding out for working with kathy again...so im not looking hard for a job..but the two i do want to apply for comes with full benefits..and that is what i need right now..more than anything else..i need benefits..

and so regardless of what everyone else is wanting me to do and telling me to do..i need to slow down and think through some things..im pushing myself at the wrong time..and i know that if i keep pushing nothing good will come of it.because i will just become more depressed and not able to manage and shut down..and right now the whole bordering on shutting down thing is hard hard to do...

so yes i have to make plans..yes i cant stay where i am at forever...yes i will move on and all of that..but for now i need stability more than anything else..right now im not strong enough to face the unknown..im not strong enough to do that..not right now...and so yes my focus needs to change just a bit...i need to find stability again..because i am lost without it..

goals

my goal for the week is to go to work every day and do my paperwork

my goal for the week is to take things a day at a time and not jump ahead of myself

my goal for the week is to honestly let t know what is going on

my goal for the week is to do my household tasks and make healthy choices 

thats all

trapped in silence
i look for peace
but i find lonleness

i look for comfort
but find darkness and fear

i am trapped
afraid
lost

i know the words
i know i can set myself free
but i dont
i dont speak
i dont say anything but i watch
i observe without acknowledging
i look without seeing
and i wait

i wait to be noticed
i wait for someone to care
i wait for someone to hear the screams that are trapped
the screams that i can only show on my skin

the evidence is there
the pain is obvious
but you are trapped too
trapped because you dont notice
because you dont see

im asking for help
but im not able to use the words
instead my story of pain, fear, sadness and anger
show on my skin
i can see it
but i am trapped by my silence

you can see it
but you are trapped
by your judgement 

memories

my thoughts over power me
overwhelm me
scare me
i want the past to come alive
i hated the fear and terror
but there was pleasure with the pain

i dont remember exactly what happened
i dont remember refusing or saying no
i stayed quiet and walked away inside
it didnt hurt me
it didnt touch me

now the thoughts come back
the fear, the shame, the guilt
but i want the comfort
i need the wanting, the pleasure
i need the release
but the shame becomes overwhelming
wanting what i hate
needing what i hate
wanting what i dont remember

hold me please
ill be good
touch me please
ill tell you i like it
but when i sleep and try to remember
all i feel is the terror
knowing that something was wrong
that this was wrong

but somehow it has become twisted
somehow it has become more than just a fleeting memory
it consumes me
smoothers me
i dream about the pain that no longer hurts
the helplessness that i no longer feel
and i want it
i am ashamed that i want it..

sometimes....life just has to change...

i am still feeling really down..and all out of sorts this weekend...all weekend..ive just been struggling ..and it is hard..and frustrating and im just so easily irritated by everything ..still want to cut...

ugh

but anyway thats not what  i wanted to write about anyway...what is on my mind is my job..and i know on one hand im slcking off on my jojb horribly..like really badly...note wise..client wise its the same old same old...but with one of my clients at the hospital on friday..i learned that there is a position available ..a counselor/case manager positiion...through the hospital...and dear god it comes with full insurance!!!!!!!! i would be stuck in a 9 to 5 but i could deal with that..i could end up in a field that i really truly do want to work in...i could...and i can apply..well i can ask for more info...i am qualified..i could do the job..i could..but at the same time i am afraid...very very afraid...why would i give up my easy cushy job for the unknown?? how would i give up my clients?? how would i manage with having to be present and accoutable every freaking day??? how in the hell do people do that?? ugh .. im going to email the guy though before i lose my nerve...and at least ask to be pointed in the right direction for the application and everything...and to find out what is required...what is expected...im afraid...so so afraid...but without fear how will i be able to face the unknown and be willing to step outside of my comfort zone..how will i be able to learn and grow and improve...but dear god if i get the job..i dont know how in the hell im going give my two weeks notice...that i am afraid of!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

reflections and insight...

-+i would assume that for all logicstical purposes si am a little late for the whole reflection and insight speech...

after a little over 4 months ..i cut..why..i dont know..i was overwhelmed..worried about so many things..just having a hard time dealing with things..life..people..i spent two days last week doing absolutely nothing..no work..no paperwork..no writing..no reading ..nothing..the hours slipped away and i cant remember doing a single important thing in those 50 or so hours..and then i did go to work 3 days and struggled to care..struggled to pay attention..i wasnt up for anything ... and i dont know what started it..i mean i wasnt thinking that the trip home messed me up that much..i thought i was managing ..i thought i was ok..but i guess that isnt 100% true..it would have been nice to figure out
';'/;'''' a little bit sooner that my depression was getting worse..and maybe i did realize it and just hoped it wou pld go away..hoped i would be able to manage..in the end..it was just overwheleming until it got to the point of wanting a way out..i wanted to cut earlier in the week..i had gotten as far as finding and taking out my razors..but when it came down to it..i couldnt do it..i couldnt let myself do it..so i used my 2nd escape route and took enough meds that i knew i would sleep and then i wouldnt have to think...i think my dreams where bad last week but i dont remember them..i know i was afraid..that i was in danger..but i dont know from who or from what..but sleep was not good if i did not take the meds to calm down..add in all the worrying about my brother and his car situation..and money issues and bills and everything and its just ..it became to much..i couldnt think..i couldnt breathe..i wanted to hide..and so in the end i cut..not completely bad .. well the cuts could have been a lot worse and had i not cut my wrist they probably would have been worse..but there is a certain amount of restraint that comes into play if i am cutting my wrist..that is a fine line to the playing with because ive gone over and over the vein in my wrist and as much as i want to just cut and watch it bleed ..i know that doing it would get me a one way trip to the hospital..and i have to restrain my desires to die..and just go with the need to feel something..to get out of my head for a little while...and for a little while it worked..my head was clear..i could think..i wasnt worried or scared..i had something to focus on..becuase i am competely ashamed to say that i missed it..the pain..seeing the cuts..knowing that if i kept at it then everything would stop..i didnt want to die..i just wanted things to stop..i wanted a break from myself and i didnt know how else to get it...

so fast forward a bit..and i realized that i had messed up that i was right back at square one and i was ahamed of myself..ashamed of what i had done..and then i didnt know what to do..i covered them up and went to work...and i just kept wondering how it is that no one else knew..no one else could look at me and see just how much i had messed up...they couldnt see my fear or my worries...it was just another work day..and i was just one more person passing through...i considered calling courtney..i knew i wouldnt be able to get to alice until next week..refused to even consider calling crisis..i wasnt having a crisis..i cut and i stopped and i went on with my day..the crisis was over and done with..but i knew i needed to talk to someone because i didnt trust that i wouldnt get home and just keep cutting..i wanted to hurt..i needed something to break though the fog that was covering my mind...so i spent some time going back and forth texting with a friend..and i dont know.it wasnt helping..i was getting angry..i was begging for forgivness..i was obssessed thinking that she was just going to hate me..be mad at me..i worried..well i still worry that alice and courtney will be mad at me..becuase i failed..because i was trying to stop and i couldnt ...so as paranioa set in my client was asking about going and seeing his case manager at the clinic..great you know..i had managed to talk myself out of calling courtney..but the odds of being in the case management part of the clinic and not seeing courtney was just not in my favor..because as much as i wanted to avoid her..i wanted to talk to her..i was feeling guilty and shamed and i just didnt know what to do with myself..so i got someone to see if she was available and just as i was hoping she wouldnt be out in time for me to see her..she completely comes out and its like crap!! so i asked if i could talk to her for a little bit..and of course then i couldnt even figure out what to say...words escaped me..as much as i wanted to tell her what i had done i couldnt..i couldnt get the words out at all..it didnt help at all that courtney started asking what happened because i looked guilty..and so i told her first that i was being mean to myself and hadnt taken my meds this morning..which at the time was a great idea...but i also knew that if i didnt get them soon i was really going to start falling much faster..and told her as much..and of course sitting with her ..i could see just how not smart that idea was..because at the time that morning it was me against the world i guess..and i was determined to win..but in reality...you know that place that i sometimes forget exists ..i realized that it was not smart at all and that i truly wasnt hurting anyone else but myself..because i know that without the meds..i become much omre unstable...much faster..not to mention when i didnt take the pysch meds i didnt take any of my other meds either..so it was like great...but the plan had been i was going to just not taken any of them anymore..that was my idea of how to get back at whatever it was that was bothering me so very much..but in telling courtney this is realized that well in about 3 hours i will feel awful..and if i start withdrawing from the medicine it would just cause  even more problems..told her that..and then after wasting some more time avoiding looking at her..i managed to tell her that i  had an accident..and the this is ..courtney isnt stupid .. not knowing my history..because first of all i was just all out lying..well avoiding the complete truth..it was an accident..it was a calculated accident..but all the same ugh..i dont know..so i just said i had an accident and that my cat had scratched me..which then turned into her asking if i was telling the truth or if i had cutt..and she asked to see ..and i showed her..because well she asked..and i guess on some level it eased my conscious just a little for someone else to know..i told her..well promised to take care of them..and all of that..and she was nice enough to let me know that of course she would be telling alice about my impromptu visit today..and i of course started to tell her that she wouldnt see her again before i did..and of course that was shot down pretty quickly after i was informed they have a staff meeting on monday...so then it really was like crap crap double crap...but i also know i went to courtney for a reason..and yes as much as i may have half heartedly objected to her telling me she would tell alice..i already knew she would..i wanted her to tell..not that im to thrilled to be admitting that..at the time i truly was worried but later after thinking about i knew what was going to happen..i knew courtney wouldnt keep it to herself..and so i dont know maybe it will help calm me down knowing that alice will know before i see her...i didnt promise courtney that i would get rid of my razors..i told her i would think about it...but right now i am afraid to get rid of them..im afraid to be without them completely..not now..i just need to get through dec in one piece..which is saying alot because the need to destory myself is still pretty strong in my mind..

i worked until about 3 and then i was starting to shut down..i knew it was happening and i knew i couldnt deal with being around anyone else..i finished working with the person i was with and made it home..but my focus was shot..i wasnt paying attention while i was driving.. i was to busy thinking..i was getting caught up again in a lot of negative thoughts..and the realistic stuff just wasnt getting through..i was not in a good place at all by the  time i got home..and my need for reassurance was through the roof..and without knowing how to get it or where to get it from..i messaged two different ppl to talk..to distract me..i knew what i wanted..and i was obssessing over telling them what happened and why..i asked them repeatedly to not be mad at me..but i was becoming upset..angry and stopped wanting to talk just as quickly
as i had said i did want to talk..suddenly i wanted to be truly left alone..i left alone..i was alone..and i didnt want anything from anyone..which lead to my minor breakdown..and i say minor only because i dont know what else to call it...it is not often that i am upset to the point of crying..and most importantly never about myself. but yesterday i started crying and cried for a little while..trying to figure out how the day had gotten to this point..and in the mix of all of this i realized that i wanted kathy..that i wanted to talk to her..that i wanted a n hug from her..i didnt call or message her..because i didnt know what to tell her..i didnt know how to ask for anything at all..so i cried and just felt epically sorry for myself..i had managed to isolate and trap myself so completely that i did not know how to get out of it..went through the whole my head hurts i cant breathe type crying spell..and finally i started to think that i needed to calm down..that i need to just be still for a while ..and so i actually used the little music thing that i have on my kindle..and it did take a little while before i could hear and actually focus on the music and not my thoughts..i was able to quiet down..i shut off every mode of communication that i had..my phone was off..my computer was off..i couldnt be reached at all..and eventually i spelt.. i slept for almost 4 hours before i started to wake up again..and woke up completely disoriented..and so so tired.. i did apoligize for my behavior with the two ppl i had been talking to earlier..but i still wasnt up for talking much or anything..so all i ended up doing was eventually getting up to feed the cats and get something to eat and i laid back down..and went back to sleep... i kept thinking that i needed to write yesterday,,but i couldnt .. i didnt have the words..i couldnt remember..

when i work up this morning..my head was clearer..i was calmer..the need to punish myself has lessened quite a lot..and i even managed to get up and go to the grocery store this morning..

now i can look at yesterday with a bit of objectivity and realize that it was just a bad day..and that i made a mistake..that today is day 1 again but that it is ok..well trying to be ok about it ...

so i will see what today brings..i am tired and will most likely be sleep again soon..but after that..and tomorrow..i dont know..i cant look that far ahead when im having trouble in the present.. it becomes to much ...

sometimes..i really am just so tired of all of this..of struggling so much just to do the daily every day stuff..when  all i really want to do is get in bed and never ever get up again...sometimes i just dont want to do it anymore...i just dont know ..

worrying ... its breaking me

my worrying this week has magnified by about a billion...right now everything is worrying and scaring me ..and im freaking out..its just suddenly everything is in my head and all i can do is worry...im worried about everything, money, my job, my clients, my family, all of it is weighing on me..adn i try to stay calm but it doesnt help anymore..its tiring ..and i cant seem to get out of my mood this week..i have been down all week but as it gets closer to pay day and just not knowing what ill be able to pay..i am worried and scared and freaking out...and its christmas and im just i dont know...im feeling like a failure again..still..like i cant do anything at all right and its all my fault ...why do i have to be such a screw up ??  why does all of the work have to go down the  drain just because my fear gets the best of me ... i dont know..i just need to calm down..and breathe..and refocus ... try to refocus .. when all i want to do is hide and cry..im overwhelmed...and going downhill very quickly ..

nothing important

i keep thinking that i shou.d write .. i keep opening this to write and still nothing comes to mind...today the depression is winning and i just want to stay in bed and do nothing..talk to no one..be around no one..i cant deal with it today.. my thoughts are just low grade suicidal which means absolutely nothing to anyone but me..ive thought about suicide so much that yes there are levels to it for me...these thoughts i wont act on...but doing something not good to alleviate them is something completely different...i realized i was looking for a new escape again yesterday when i wanted to seriously overmedicate..just cause...had i been able to get ahold of what i wanted i would be on cloud 9 right about now...and so its prolly a good thing i dont have them..but still its like my world crumbled just a little bit when i couldnt get them..i dont know..i dont want to write today

Holiday writing (thanksgiving 2012)

read at your own risk i guess...nothing to happy in it...

Wed.

I made it home around 8:30 tonight.  I left at about 3:15…its safe to say that the traffic coming out of Richmond was crazy and so nerve wrecking…after almost two hours of sitting in traffic going incredibly slow and still being close to my own house I was ready to just go home and say screw it…but I stuck it out..and it took longer than planned but I did make it home safely…was super tired when I got home..but spent a little bit of time saying hi to relatives and a friend of mommys…talked to my sister and her husband..messed around with them as usual..and we got a super late start on some of the cooking that my sister was doing for thanksgiving..so yeah im kinda writing this at almost 2 in the morning while im waiting for the meds to kick in and calm me down because I am so so anxious and scared right now…see mommy was cooking and doing a million things when I got home so that is why my sister wasn’t able to start on her stuff..but mommy left some sweet potatoes on the stove and asked me/us to watch them..ok whatever…once we had my sisters stuff kinda situated and cooking.baking we all went to the den and was just talking and watching tv…I truly forgot about the sweet potatoes completely..my mind was on other things..and after about an hour and a half nias husband is suddenly like ‘umm I smell something burning’..which after about  a second I remembered that the sweet potatoes had been on the stove…so we all go running to the kitchen and the entire kitchen is filled with smoke..because the potatoes had boiled out and had started burning to the pot..so I freaked out..and my sister moved the potatoes but they were still on the stove ..so I opened the windows in the kitchen and then moved the whole pot to the sink to see about saving some of the potatoes..because mommy was going to be highly pissed off that I let them burn..she did tell me to watch them and I forgot..and so I told my sister that it was group effort and that I shouldn’t get in trouble by myself..but of course then it was like well I was told to watch it and whatever..but I know that if it had been an issue my sister would have helped me..but mommy had fallen asleep and so shse wasn’t aware of what had happened..so im working on trying to save the potatoes but I end up getting so freaking paranoid that mommy is going to come out of her an deverything will just go to hell at that point ..and so every little noise has me ready to jump out of me skin because im so scared that she is going to come into the kitchen and raise hell for messing up the food ..and seriously my sister said at one point ‘ that I seriously looked like a kid who had been caught doing something wrong’ because I had heard something and thought it was mommy and had completely lost focus on what I was doing and instead had turned around to watch behind me..yeah we laughed it off..but it was true..i was more afraid of being in trouble than anything else..like seriously afraid and worried and scaared..and especially because this is all for like thanksgiving food and so messing it up is a big big big deal…so I managed to get the potatoes out and peeled and got rid of the burnt parts…and tried my hardest at scrubbing the pot out..i scrubbed until the stupid scrubber thingy was breaking apart and sticking into my fingers..and I knew I had to stop..cas I couldn’t get anything else out of the pot..given I got most of it..but there was still a little bit in the bottom part that I couldn’t get..and so of course im still freaked out..but I had cleaned up the pot and washed everything and put the rest of the stuff away..and was just sitting and sorta watching my sister and her husband working on the other stuff..when mommy came out of her room and immediately said something was burning..now by this time of course nothing was burning anymore..and like an hou rhad passed since the actual burning had taken place and so everything was sort of cleaned up and put away you know..so there was no evidence really (yes that is how we said it, get rid of the evidence) ..so mommy comes out and asks about something burning..and I turn around because for whatever reason im standing at the sink again..and I tell her that its nothing, that we took care of it…and since she had just woken up she didn’t realize some of the differences in the kitchen..like the windows being open..and that sorta thing..she just said thanks for peeling the potatoes and I said ok..and she turned around and walked back out of the kitchen..and we..well I turned around and quickly closed the windows and put everything back..and escaped as fast as I could…I didn’t want to be around when and if she figured out what happened..and im pretty sure she will ask about it when we are all up and moving again in the morning..but for now we have escaped..and I am just having a hard time calming down…I am going all the things I did as a kid..listening hard to see if anyone is coming upstairs or if anyone is standing outside of my door..im waiting for something to happen and I don’t like that because then I cant calm down..and im fighting the meds..and I know that if I fight the meds I wont sleep and ill end up taking more meds in hopes of sleeping and instead its not safe at all to be over medicated at home..but I cant relax..im in a place that I grew up in and I cant relax..i cant sleep because im afraid..but I cant stay up all night either..and so im just sorta waiting really…I know eventually ill go to sleep..but its different than me sleeping at my own house..at my own house I can fall asleep easily..im not afraid…but here..fear kicks in and im more afraid and anxious..becuase anything can happen and I have to be prepared for it..i cant be caught by surprise…I cant L so yes took only 2 meds so far and am laying down and listening to music…I cant really chat or keep myself busy online because there is no internet here at home..so I am just writing in hopes that it will help me calm down some…but I can feel the tension in my neck and sholuders..i know I am pulling in on myself..that im trying to protect myself…it’s a never ending job when im at home..it is..i have to be so careful..i have to notice everything and say nothing..it becomes confusing and so very tiring…

I have spent most of the past hours with my sister..and well looking back on it I h ave really no idea how much I actually looked at her..but I think I did look at her fairly often..like when we are talking I look at her..like I see her fully..i know I have her attention..and that she is looking at me..there were times when we were talking in mommys room and I was sorta lying on the bed..so I wasn’t really completely looking at her..but I don’t think I was purposely avoding her either..but I will try to pay more attention to it tomorrow..because I think tonight would count as autopilot mode..and I just did it..and its not until now when im actually writing and trying to remember that I realize I was just doing it or not doing it and not really noticing…so I will have to work on paying more attention to myself and my eye contact with her tomorrow…

But I think im all written out for tonight.  Going to try lying down and turning on a movie or something..maybe that will help…

Thursday

I woke up late this morning…like 10 am late…normally I am up at five but I guess being so nervous to sleep kept me up so late that I just overslept..i didn’t over medicate last night..but when I got up this morning I was  but disoriented..and it took a while for me to actually get up and moving…mommy was really mean and all over the place this morning with the whole cooking and what not..and she did figure out about the potatoes but nia told me that she said something to them about and nia asked her to not say anything to me about it…mommy still did..but it wasn’t an argument..and then of course mommy flipped out when we went to the store to get alcohol/mixed drinks…im 29 damn years old and I get a lecture on not mixing alcohol with my medication…now firstly she only knows im on meds for the blood pressure and diabetes..doesnt know I need meds to keep me slightly sane..so whatever..but really does she think im that stupid ??? that I would just a bunch of alcohol with my meds..give me a break..and the alcohol content in what we did get isn’t enough to do anything with anyway..it was just stupid..and made me mad but talked to my sister and she of course was on my side and just said to not let mommy mess things up for me..and then I helped with cooking and what not..and that took forever..and I think I got to hot because then I just wasn’t feeling good..once again..finally was able to come upstairs and get dressed…last of course..and stayed upstairs to kinda calm down and collect myself before going back downstairs…had dinner..talked..hung out..and finally got to a point where I was just not wanting to be around anyone at all..and so I am in my room alone..my thoughts are bouncing back and forth and they are not in a good place at all…I just am feeling so down..and I don’t even know why…just being at home makes me depressed..and I think im very close to feeling suicidal just for the heck of it..i was to cry..or scream or lash out or do something..and I cant..and so all of my feelings are just building up and building up and overwhelming me..and I do want to cut and I wish more than anything right now that I had brought my razors with me…I really do..i just want to hurt..i want to calm my head down..i want a break from things..i don’t know..im just stupid and a waste of space..nothing at all worth being here for..and sometimes I do know my triggers and yes I am triggered right now..which is prolly why my thinking is so bad and out of sorts..but I just laying down and thinking and just isolating..i want to be alone..i want to sleep..i want to just not have to think about anything..old stuff..new stuff ..past..present..future..whatever..im tired..

Friday

Well I did not go to black Friday at all…I was sleep yesterday by 6pm and did not truly get back up until 5am this morning..and even then I managed to go back to sleep after a while and sleep until 9:30am…spent some time talking to mommy..heard about what had happened with the whole black Friday stuff from my sister and mommy..and it was funny and I guess I felt bad that I didn’t go..but I know I wouldn’t have liked it..so I don’t know why im stressing myself out about it..but I am beating myself up big time right now..yet again…I just don’t know whats wrong with me..i don’t want to be bothered..i want to be left alone..i don’t want to talk or be around anyone right now..im feelling like such a loser..such a horrible person…and I don’t know if its just being at home that is driving the thoughts and feelings or if I truly am once again back to being completely depressed and suicidal … if I go by patterns ..then yes I am feeling more depressed once again … which makes me want to run to the med doc and get her to give me something else to make me happy..but maybe I am just not a happy person?  Maybe im just not made to socialize and be around a bunch of other ppl because it is just to much to handle..and one mistake just messes it all up for me..and I guess that whole cooking fiasco is what did it for me..just knowing I ruined something and being so so scared of what mommy would do..and just not being able to let it go..even know I still worry about it ..knowing that it is over and done with..but I am still afraid..im still on edge and unable to relax…im sad and quiet and just I don’t know L there is so much in my head and I cant think..i cant think anything out ..and so its all just stuck and its making me crazy..and I just end up panicking and worrying and isolating…yes even at home I can isolate..im afraid ill go home tomorrow and end up cutting just to relieve some of the pressure…I miss my cats..i have so much on my mind..im going in circles and I cant stop..my head keeps hurting and I just want to sleep..and I realized that once again I am using sleep for my escape..and I realize I just want to escape right now and so I know I have to be careful with my meds and everything..cas taking to many tonight will not be a good thing. I wont be able to function at all tomorrow and im supposed to be driving home…im trying to be happy and talkative and around other people..but I just suck at it..im just stupid and cant do anything at all right..

Since im feeling awful ..night as well add in my failed attempts at the whole eye contact thing…im not exactly sure why it didn’t work..but it didn’t work..i would go to bed thinking about it and planning to do it..but then at the end of the day..i try to remember what I did..if I looked at my sister..and I cant remember.  I cant recall anything at all..and I think I know I looked at her..but I cant measure it..i cant say how much or how little…I just don’t know..maybe I was just afraid ..afraid of acknowledging that I am completely screwed up and cant do this..but every stupid day I planned to try it .. and every single day im not able to remember a single thing..i don’t understand..i thought I tried..maybe I didn’t..ill just add this to my list of failures .. its frustrating ..not being able to remember..but things just get so confusing and out of sorts at home..and im trying to do so many things at once ..and I end up doing nothing because ive stressed myself out to the point of not feeling well..and not wanting to be around anyone cas I don’t want to bother anyone just because I cant keep myself in check and controlled..i used to be so much better at hiding all of this..but now it just slips out..and if im not happy I end up hiding because I don’t want anyone else to know..because im just a screw up and deserve to hurt or be in pain or lonely..whatever it takes for me to remember that I am worthless and not needed…that is all it can be. There is no hope at all for me..i will die..and no one will even now or notice..because its like im not even there..

Not completely sure writing tonight helped at all..i think I feel worse now since im activiely thinking about how messed up I am and everything is..i don’t know..just another failed attempt to try to do something that doesn’t help..and right now all I really want is my razors..but I don’t  have those..all I have are meds..and if I go and take like 6 of the lovely clonazepans I know ill sleep..i know ill be able to ignore the world for just a little while..i just need a little break..because next week..ill tell everyone I had a lovely trip home..because that’s all anyone cares about anyway..if I said well no I freaked out and panicked and was feeling down to the point of either dying or trying to die..buut no that’s not important at all..

Have I mentioned lately that I just hate the holidays..i really really do..

going home...

its the holidays...should be happy..excited...carefree...something

no

im afraid..nervous...anxious..scared..
i want to hide
i want to cry
i have to pretend that everything is fine

its always the same..
maybe a different outcome..but always begins the same

it is tiring having to think and rethink about every single thing ive done or said
trying to remember things ive forgotten that could be brought up
or cause trouble
i dont remember
and that scares me
i cant remember everything
and its the stuff i dont remember that gets me in trouble
because them im not prepared
then im not ready
then im caught by surprise
:(

cant cut
trying hard not to cut

promised us we would get a gift if we can make it to the end of the year ..without cutting again...

but without the cutting ..other things creep in..taking to many meds..over eating or not eating..beating myself up inside constantly...oh there are so many ways to be mean to me..and most no one would ever even figure out...thats the sad part .. thats the part that really hurts..being surrounded by people and no one knows what is really going on...

no.. i wear my mask well
at home it is firmly in place
everything is calculated, planned, prepared
there can be no surprises at home
there just cant...

eye contact...or lack there of...

eye contact....yuck

ok this is an issue that i have been avoiding for a long time...heck just in the past week ive avoided it as much as possible..but i still think about it because it is the topic in therapy for right now ..and yes i can admit that eye contact is a hug e huge deal...and does get in the way of this..and yes avoiding eye contact does show that i am nervous or scared or anxious or uncomfortable or shy.. but its so so so hard and scary to look someone in the eye for an extended amount of time..and even harder when i know the person is expecting me to look at them..

in some situations my eye contact is really bad...and in some situations my eye contact is slightly better but still not stellar..but in most cases i just sorta avoid it as much as i can..because i dont like it..because i get nervous..because im not sure what it is that the person wants from me...yes it is partially an attention thing...like i dont want to be noticed..and i dont want attention... and some how in my head it is worked out that eye contact means attention..and well attention means trouble..but it is more than that too..i have a hard time getting past the fear of looking at someone and having them really look at me...i cant hide..i cant avoid..its like being completely exposed and vulnerable all at the same time and it is to much to handle..

i talked about it with alice last week..and it did make me anxious..but i think i ended up feeling more upset than anything else afterwards...and surprisngly what i remember most about the whole conversation is how upset i got when she turned away from me...i was really getting upset about it and i didnt understand why...im still not completely sure why it bothered me so very much..maybe because no one has completely broken it down for me an told me that well it hurts there feelings...that was a huge eye opener and im not sure i like it..some how i only managed to focus on my discomfort and my need to hide and avoid..and didnt care one bit about how the other person felt..i didnt have any room in my head to deal with there feelings and my feelings all at the same time...so that was just something that i had never really paid attention too..and so the other person being/feeling hurt..truly never crossed my mind at all..and now i feel completely stupid for not realizing it sooner...but i didnt expect myself to have that much of a reaction to her turning away from me..i really didnt..and it was more upsetting than i really want to admit...but its confusing big time too because if you ask me i would swear i wasnt doing anything to the other person or causing them to feel anything..again i was just so wrapped up in my own head and with what i was thinking..and so being told that yeah it can hurt the other persons feelings was a big deal..because then i felt bad that i was hurting someone else and i really didnt mean to do it...well i dont mean to do that..and having alice pull out what it was that was bothering me so much was hard to deal with too...evasive does not work with her..i have got to remember that..

but i have been worrying about that since it happened...and maybe not so much in a (crap..ive lost my train of thought..ill have to try to finissh later on )

i am me..

We only become what we are by the radical and deep-seated refusal of that which others have made of us
~Jean-Paul Sartre

 

I found this quote this morning and it speaks to me ..on a deeper level...it makes sense..it sums up most of my life...i spent a lot of time being what others wanted me to be..doing what i was expected to do..being what i was supposed to be..and in the process..i completely lost who i was meant to be..i lost my likes and dislikes because i was so worried about becoming this perfect person...i was so worried about being accepted by others..that i was willing to do anything..i was willing to die if it meant that i had achieved this major form of perfection that i was after...it has been a long long 29 years of doing this.  i think it was at its worse between the ages of 4 or 5 to 28...at 28 i began to question my life a little bit more..i began to notice things more..i began to fight against my thinking just a little bit more...and this year i turned 29..and i cant help but wonder why it is that i am still alive..why have i not acheived my goal of dying? i was never supposed to make it past 18..but i did..and then i wasnt supposed to make it past 21 . but i did that too..so many things i thought i wouldnt make it to do and i did them.  i am still alive..and i guess that speaks for itsself.. but things have changed..and i really think that it has been in my time in va that things have changed the most...because its been here..that i have lost and gained only to lose and regain .. live and hurt and grow..thats the process of life isnt it...life isnt perfect by any means ..but i am slowly..and i do mean slowly...learning to live my own life..to do more things..to experience life and just not let it pass me by... 

something that  i have been noticing a lot of lately..is that where i am at in my healing..is not where i was a couple years ago...now i can look at my life and see where things were wrong..i can see the mistakes i made..and can acknowledge the lessons that have come with some of those mistakes.. it bothers me now to see others struggle with not being able to move forward..not being able to see what is going on...i by no means am all fixed or all better..but i know that the pain doesnt have to last forever..i understand that i still have a lot of life to live and it is my choice what i do with it...i am responsible for my life..my choices..my thoughts, my responses...i am not responsible for anyone else..i cant make anyone else do anything..or believe anything..and so the key for me is that i have to stop trying to convince other people to see things my way...that ok if i say im a bad person and they disagree then why do i have to fight them on it?  it has taken so long for me to even get to a place where i can doubt the whole im a bad person speech that i give myself at times...i am able to give myself more of a break these days..im able to sit and wait out my overwhelming emotions..or i shut down for a little while so that i can process what ever is going on and then i move on...i dont get completely suck anymore..i dont stop completely and just wait to be saved from myself..and there are a lot of reasons for that...in the past two years i have been told over and over and over..that everything is a choice..that i can choose what i want to do..that i can  choose to be happy or not..and ok that last bit is still really hard..but its no longer some far farfetched idea that makes no sense to me...its my opinion about myself that counts.. and how i see myself that matters. . im the one that has to deal with myself at the end of the day...im the one that has to put up with my thinking and emotions and moods ..not anyone else...and it is not fair at all for me to expect someone else to save me...i have to save myself..i have to want to save myself...i have to want to for things to be different..for things to be better..for things to change...if have to want it bad enough to be willing to go through all the mess to make it happen...and so while right now things are so up in the air and confusing and mixed up and down right depressing at times...i know that it is not going to be like this forever...i understand that life changes every day..that i change every day..that  i cant go back and redo anything at all..so all i really have is the choices i make now..how i think now..not what i thought in the past..and not what i think about for the future...only now is important...because now (in this moment) is all i have...nothing more, nothing less...

that being said..yes i still have a ways to go..a lot of thinking and processing to still do about things from the past that are still affecting my present life...but it is a work in progress...it is being able to step outside of my comfort zone and finding happiness and joy in the little things...i am learning to accept where i am at and realize that i cant force myself to go any faster than i am going..becuase that is setting myself up for failure..and so it is a fine line that i walk at times...a very fine line...but i am walking it..i am trying so hard to take the chance to make things different for myself..to grow and learn and heal...because i want to ..not because i am being forced too..and i know better than anyone else that forcing me to do something is the quickest way for me to shut down and stop doing everything...and knowing that means that i have to be careful with how much i am pushing myself..because old coping skills are hard to get rid of..and i know that it is so easy to go back to the old ways that brought immediate relief..and a lot of consequences.. it is a daily battle..a constant battle.. 

but i havent given up..i have people who believe in me more than i believe in myself..and it has taken me a long long time to acknowledge this..it has taken me a long time to realize that i do have people who care for me and my well being..and who are not going to hurt me...  like i said..it is a slow slow process..but i am steadily moving forward in it..a little bit at a time..baby steps..gotta crawl before you can walk..etc and so on ..all the stuff that i balked at and didnt believe before..just makes more sense now... 

i have been forced to do more on my own..to live on my own..to work and be an adult..i have experienced so much in the past 3 yrs in va...so very much...but i am still alive... i am still here...

and somewhere in myself i know that i will make it...that i will have a life that i am proud of...that i have to keep working on my own stuff ..and becoming more confident in myself..and the rest..well the rest will fall into place at the right time...

    

still sick ...

all weekend ive done nothing...im still not feeling well...my throat is progressivly worse...still a bit stopped up and tired and just out of sorts..so another trip to the store is in works for tomorrow..i feel awful..but i have to work tomorrow ..i do..cas im only working 2 days..wed im doing some stuff for me..hair, nails, etc.

im not depressed per say but im just not feeling good..still and i dont know why..

and i know im sick cas im having trouble breathing with my mouth closed...im breathing through my mouth because im not getting enough air in...maybe thats why i have such a headache...oh i dont know..i really dont .

feeling very very mean....

i know this is my blog and i can write what i want..so if you are easily offended and have no open mind then dont bother with reading ok....thanks



now im in a proffesion where i am expected to help ppl..to support ppl..to meet them where they are at .. and im good at my job..i do care about my clients..

but sometimes there is that one person that i interact with..be it in person, online, in a group, on a message board, in chat whereever..that i just have a HARD time relating to and understanding there decisions...why willingly stay in a place or with someone that is hurting you ??  as an adult...this is not a child who cant leave..this is not an elderly person..this is not a sick or physically disabled person..who is willingly making the choice to stay in an unsafe situation and it pisses me off...ive been hit and hurt enough that i swore to never be put in another situation that leaves me feeling powerless or in a position where i will be hurt..never again..i may not acknowledge it often but i am not a child..i can make choices...i can take care of myself and im expected to take care of myself first..screw the hell out out of taking care of someone else...ugh ..its so frustrating and upsetting and makes me feel so so so mean... because yes  i have issues..yes i have problems..yes i may whine and complain and moan and feel sorry for myself but at the end of the day i know that im all i have..good or bad choices im still all i have...so i work it out..figure out a way to move forward..i may feel sorry for myself for a few days even or completely shut down for a while..but i dont stay that way..not anymore...

i understand ppl are all in different places in there lives..i do..i understand ppl heal differently..and that sometimes people fall in love with people who are just wrong for them and there lives...but i just have trouble tolerating ppl who willingly put themselves in a situation that they know is bad ..and then just sit there and complain about it..swear that they are safer there than by themselves...this is an issue between 2 grown ass adults..and im sorry if i dont have the empathy right now..but i hear the situation and i look at it..and i can see or guess how it will end..and im trying to tell this woman that she needs to put herself first..that she needs to keep herself safe...and that she is an adult..and he is an adult ..and he can take care of his own da
mn self drunk or not...ill be damned if i allow someone to just hurt me..and know its coming..and this is not a marriage..this is a willingly staying at his place when she has her own apartment to go too..so no i dont understand and it makes me mad...it makes me wonder ... i understand domestic violence..i understand the need to stay and  try to fix someone..but deep inside this is diffferent to me..this is making a choice and setting yourself up to be hurt..and that is not ok...i dont care how much you feel you deserve it or its bound to happen...no no no no NO ..that is bullcrap..its lies..and ugh...

maybe its because im looking at it from the outside and not literally in the middle of it..maybe i am just talking out of my ass and just complaining and being mean and uncaring...i dont know..i do know that i am mad ..and that i have the right to be mad if i want too.. i dont like knowing ppl are being hurt..i dont like knowing children are being hurt..i dont like knowing that adults are making choices to stay in situations that are unsafe...but i am only in control of myself..and i have supported and advised and listened and tried to care for this person more than once..and still we have the same conversations...still i hear all about what she wants to do and cant..how life is worthless... and its in these moments that all the stuff my therapist tells me comes back to mind..that things are a choice..that you can leave if you want it bad enough..that you have to take care of yourself first and then take care of others...its not the other way around...you only have yourself...becuase other people come and go..some are good for you and some arent..but at the end of the day..again all you have left is yourself...and it may not be great or wanted or anything ..but still

ugh..i dont know..
i know its not my issue..but at the same time im being told this is happening and i want to help i do..but my frustration at the sistuation makes me want to just shake this person and tell her to open her eyes and look around for a minute at the situation she has put herself in..and mkae changes to make it better... does that make me mean ? selfish>?  uncaring? 

*sigh*
im going to watch cartoons ... sometimes life is to much to deal with ... it really is ...

pity party continued...this needs to stop

 

this week has been hard..both pyhsically and emotionally...im drained and worn out and sick..literally... and i just guess its been a steady downhill battle since last friday when i first got the allergic reaction to some of my meds..but at the time i didnt know it was that...so i went through the weekend..taking benadryl and hoping the swelling in my mouth would go down..and it did...insert some work issues saturday night that resultedd in a huge huge decision..that left me with houseguests for the week..which if you know me is a hard thing for me to deal with..like just having someone else in my space..so holy crap with 3 additional ppl in my small aprtment..but ok ...come monday..stress with work and what not...monday night..the swelling returns..slowly but by tuesday morning once again my mouth is swollen but i dont have trouble breathing...so thankfully i had a doc appt on tuesday and was able to see her and talk to her about what was happening..and so two of my meds got stopped..cas of possibly being allergic to them..back on benadryl and another allergy med to bring down the swelling...blood pressure meds changed..and the birth control stopped...so just kinda feeling crummy and tired all day tuesday..and then therapy which has been on my mind but i havent had time yet to write about it..but got through tuesday in some sort of haze...realized a bit late that the house guest thing was a huge huge responsibility due to one of the kids having to go to school and being here it was a 20/30 min drive every morning and afternoon :(  so just more stress on me..about the whole thing..cas getting her there and getting her home was just tiring by itself..wed managed to work most of the day..but again felt really tired and just worn out...thursday again i woke up congested and confused and sick...had an eye doc appt.. found out i need glasses..walked around most of the day unable to see thanks to the drops they put in my eyes..and so the strain with driving and working and reading gaave me a huge huge headache..and the more my head hurt the more frustrated and upset i felt...went to work..got incredibly frustrated towards the evening time with the whole late to pick up the kid plus issues with a client..i was just so angry and upset and had  a major headache i was so so soooo mad  ..and ended up wanting to just cut..but instead i sepearated myself from my houseguest..and spent some time driving in my car alone..and just listening to music..and so by the time i came back home i was calmer..at least enough to get through the evening..still not feeling great though...and so that brings me to this morning...again i wake up congested and sick..i thought i was losing my voice..coughing, headache, sore throat..just sick you know..and then i realized that i was feeling sick like time of the month sick..and so in perfect clarity i remembered that im not on the birth control any longer and that brings its own set of anxiety due to the issues that can happen with this..it may be normal..it may last two weeks..who knows :( but i dont want to deal with it..i hate the sick feeling..i hate the crampy and cranky and wanting to live on sugar and salt feelings...cas once i figured out what was going on i had already made some really poor food choices today and it just got worse as the day went on...but got meds at the store..and restocked up on some things..wasted to much money on food..junk food...and worked and STILL felt awful..stuffy and stomach hurting and  all of that..and well bleeding through my clothes which meant that my trip to the store turned into a bigger deal because i was still technically working so i needed to get myself cleaned up and everything..joy... but worked this morning..and into the afternoon and even picked up some extra hours helping out someone else..and then went to the grocery store..for again junk food..and came home ate lunch and crashed ..big time...woke up a bit ago and took meds and now im just once again laying down..having trouble breathing because im again super congested..but i want ice cream and i want to just go to bed...i still have to getmy scripts filled and start the new meds..but i just feel so awful that i dont want to add on possible side effects onto my already tired and worn down body...i cant deal with it..right now i dont feel like i can deal with anything..i just want to sleep and ignore the world for a little bit...i want peace and quiet..and my house guest have left..and so it is much quieter and  i think i feel lonely..but at the same time i know i was reaching my limit for having someone else constantly around and in my house..so now its just me and the cats again and we are just chilling out...my goal for the weekend is to just take the meds and sleep and recooperate..i cant keep feeling like this...i dont want to do anything..i dont want to get out of bed..i dont want to have to deal with anything at all you know..i just want to lay down...and so for the next couple days that is all i am doing...i have to give myself time to get better..or else its just going to get worse..and this whole not feeling good thing is getting old fast...its been a long time already and still im struggling and not feeling well...

so yes i am feeling sorry for myself..im tired and dehydrated and worn out and did i mention tired?? i think ill just go back to sleep after grabbing something to munch on of course...ugh...trying to stay awake long enough to get in one more dose of meds..but im not sure ill make it...

i just want to feel better...im tired of being sick and tired..i am

feeling sorry for myself

im feeling sorrry for myself...im sick and tired and did i mention sick ? and just want to sleep all freaking day long...im tired..very very tired

.....

there is a lot going on right now..and my desire to write is at an all time low..head is full and being sick and allergic to the meds is just causing so much of a hassle and i keep missing work cas of my reactions to the meds..and the whole thing is pretty frustrating...very frustrating..ugh.. i dont know..just kinda lost interest in writing right now..but head is on overdrive of course.. so i dont know...

update time...havent been feeling to well lately...

and just as quickly i have nothing to say...will try again later ..essh

well..the election is over

the election is over...all i have to say is that i am proud that i voted..proud that my voice was heard...and now im waiting to see what the next four years will bring.

that is all

adoption....

this is on mind a lot right now..and i know that it could go either way and so i am trying hard to not jump the gun and set myself up to be hurt...im trying hard...

but at the same time my feelings of hope and want and desire are on overdrive..so so much

something that i have wanted for a long time may be happening and im terrifed of the situation..very very terrified..im scared..im worried...but at the same time i want this..i want this child..more than anything i want him or her..

the thing is ... i happen to know someone who is pregnant..and is unsure of whether or not to keep the baby..ive talked to her and talked to her and talked to her...and she is willing to have the baby...but is still on the fence about whether or not she wants to keep the child...and i have told her quite seriously that i want to adopt the baby.. and i meant it..i mean it...i worry about the situation the baby would grow up in if she/he stays in the current family...just dealing with love and security and support...i want this baby to have so many chances..a life of happiness..a life of want and safety and love...

and so i have been thinking obsessivly about this..am i ready? can i do it? am i willing to have the responsibility of a child? one that i cant return??

and even with my doubts which are more about myself than anything else...i know in my heart that if it came down to it..i would say yes..i will say yes..

i have always wanted to adopt...i have...and in the past year my desire for a child has blown up out of poportion...like my clock started ticking and went into overdrive...and now im possibly able to adopt..and im trying to stay calm and not overreact or blow up or get so excited that i cant see straight...i have to wait..i have to be patient..i have to be hope and pray and hope that the mother makes a desicision that is in the best interest of the child...that is what i hope...

i know i will be involved...very involved in the pregnancy...so all i can do is hope and pray ... and hope some more...

i will work on my own stuff..i will become stronger and more confident and more assertive if that is what it is going to take..i will...i can ..

but for now..all i can do is be supportive and happy for her ..and put my wants on the back burner..i refuse to push her on the decision..i refuse to force her or convince  her...it has to be from her...it has to be her decision .. because i dont want her to regret anything..i dont want her to worry or have second thoughts...i want her to be comfortable with her choice...

and the important thing in all of this..is that i need to become stable..and be able to stay stable...ive come a long way yes..but there is still work to be done...there is still growing to be done...and im ready and willing...i will do what i have to do..i will

crud

just not been feeling good...headache..queasy..tired..so on and so forth..it stinks ..big time ..didnt do much of anything yesterday though..laid around..slept..took meds.. slept some more lol...like i said ..the usual ..

first thing next week..the cats get a trip to the vet..joy

hmmm not soo much to write about..head is fairly quiet right now..so i think it will be back to laying down and cartoons until i do go back to sleep...it is only 3am

Sleeping....

i sleep to hide
to avoid
to forget
to have silence
to not think.

it is hard thinking so much
especially when i am feeling so hopeless
useless
worthless

a nobody
in a world full of somebodies.

who am i trying to kid exactly ?
who am i trying to convince?

what exactly is the point
of trying
of living
of hoping

i am empty
numb
lost
broken

the pieces dont make sense
the puzzle is not connecting

so ill sleep for peace
ill sleep to forget
ill sleep because
in the end
that may be all
that
keeps
me
alive

Just Broken

Tonight I am feeling broken, lost, confused, hopeless.  I dont know.  Just completely disconnected from everything right now.  Im tired and not feeling well and just keep wondering why it is that I am the way I am.  Why is it that i dont remember?  Why dont I know who I am?  Normally I know it doesnt bother me.  I go through the day,  somehow I get through it, doing what i need to do, saying what i need to say.  But there is nothing there.  I am empty inside. I am broken. I dont understand. The disconnect is so huge that sometimes i wonder if i am even alive.  I see but dont feel. i live but dont engage. I walk, i talk, i laugh, i smile, but its nothing. it means nothing at all. it seems hopeless..this battle to stay alive. what is the point? what is it that i am supposed to be staying alive for?

trying...

trying hard not to sink into depression...im having a hard hard time relaxing..my anixety is up and the meds arent helping...but im glad its friday..i just want today to go quickly so i can come home and chill out...i think im catching a cold....yuck