rambles

well once again i came home yesterday from work and just crashed...i try to stay awake and accomplish something..anything..but end up sleeping..and then i try to fight the fact that im sleeping and just go back and forth between awake and asleep until sleep wins out anyway...blah..

im so so so happy its friday...this has been the longest week ever and its been a struggle..

yesterday..i ended up calling lady because she had texted me the night before and had eased some of my fears that she wasnt going to talk to me anymore and had given up on me and things...so i called just to say hi really..and we talked for a bit..and she told me that she knew i ahd been thinking that she wasnt going to talk to me and had kicked me to the curb and stuff..and i wanted to deny it ..but yeah she was right and i told her so...she told me that i had no trust in her..and that did make me stop and think for a little bit..i mean how is it that i know i trust someone?? i trust my director and my supervisor and t..but how did i learn it was ok to trust them? i dont know..it was prolly a time thing..and the longer i know them the more i learned to trust them..or maybe its the conversations we have had and that they have kept them confidential and all of that..hmm but it was nice to talk to her..and we have missed her..and i can say that now that im not wondering if she is still mad at me..so that has taken some of the worries off of me...and i did go to bible study on wed..but had a full blown panic attack and left in the middle of it..i didnt leave the church persay but i was just wandering around the hallways and pacing and having trouble with getting grounded again..i dont know what happened..i think i was feeling trapped and surrounded and there were just to many ppl around me..and i started to freak out...i had to constantly refocus my attention to get the shaking to stop..and yeah finally when i was just not able to handle it i left..and wondered until it was over with ..and then went back in..because of course i had left my bag and everything inside and couldnt technically leave..but i was to scared to go back in and get my stuff..so i had to stay..yeah..it was one of those nights..and i was telling lady about it yesterday and she of course asked why i didnt ask bishop or one of the ppl i was comfortable with to pray for me or sit with me or something..and i told her that i couldnt bother anyone..and she disagreed of course and said no..i needed to let someone know because if i had left then no one would have known if something had happened..soo i agreed that if it happened again i would let someone know..literally..i think in my head i was telling everyone and like just yelling and screaming for help..but nothing was being verbalized and so no..no one know that i was freaking out pretty badly..and well pacing and talking to myself is not the way to look normal in church

and yesterday i worked of course..and ended up with a client at this meeting thing..and well in the end the women we were talking with told me to keep up the good work...which surprised me..but i said thank you..didnt contradict her because i was feeling to tired lol...but then a bit later on i was with this same client and we were talking in my car as i was taking him home...and he told me that i was a blessing to him..that he really didnt know what he would do without me..and some other things..but all you know positive stuff..and ive been working with this particular client for about a year and a half...ive been with him through a heck of a lot of stuff...and i never expect to hear stuff like this you know...and i know its more than the extra stuff i do for him..more than what i can get for him or give him..i listen to him, im not afraid of him or his medical/mental issues..he makes me laugh..and i generally enjoy going out to see him..he told me yesterday that he doesnt like seeing me sad..and that the other week when i had the whole conversation with lady and was sorta at work..i was really sad and out of it..and he told me that he didnt like seeing me like that because it made him sad too..he said he likes seeing me happy..and i did tell him that i am doing better from that day...and i am..i just forget sometimes that my mood can affect him just as much as his moods can affect me...not to mention this particular client is a great car person and again fixed my air conditioner yet again in my car for me..but yeah lol..he was my all time favoritest person yesterday after that one..he knows i get rally hot at times and so my air conditioner not working was not ok lol..

but yeah..i mean i dont expect thanks or anything like that from my job..i do what i can you know..and it hurts and worries me alot when i cant fix all of my clients issues and concerns and all of that.because i am more of a support person..i can help and advise and listen..but i cant make them do anything..thats the stinky part about working with adults...i cant make them do anything !!


but otherwise ..things are going as well as they can be...just trying to get through the day...feeling calmer and better now that my meds are back in order ..and that is a good good thing..but im also still feeling really super tired all the time too..and having nights like last night..where i was sleep by 7:30..and stayed sleep off and on until after 6 this morning..goodness sleep is most definitely not an issue for me right now! all i want to do is sleep..but i go and see the pdoc next week..and will talk to her about the meds and what not...and no t next week..and prolly not the week after that either..blah..stupid massive bill...but yeah it will be ok..im hoping..

did get good news from the doc earlier this week..and was told that i made my goal for my a1c...and its come down a lot in the past few months..and its where it should be..but now i need to keep it there!

so guess thats all...i think its gonna be a quiet weekend though..full of sleep and well sleep..and umm laundry lol...not going to church this weekend because of the women being off on the retreat..and well the balance of men and women in church on sunday would be really off and that makes me uncomfortable because the people that i am more comfortable with are the women who are going on the retreat..of course..so yeah..anxiety is way high ..so just going to avoid it as much as i can and not go on sunday...
ok guess ive rambled on enough

limitations to accepting someone?

i was having a chat today about a recent struggle i had with the pastors wife..and it wasnt really a struggle it was a conversation that left me feeling very hurt, sad, rejected, disheartened...a lot of not so good stuff..but more than anything else i was hurt..i believed that she would not judge me..i wanted to believe that she was like this ultra special person and that she would be able to support and love and care for me..

but i have had to do a lot of thinking between then and now..and yes it still hurts me..the whole thing..because its like i had her on the pedestal and that she could do no wrong...i wanted her to just make things ok for me..i wanted her to believe in me..and not give up on me..and of course support me.. but from the conversation this past week..i realize that with her acceptance comes at a cost...acceptance comes with guidelines..and rules..and if i cant conform then ..i am judged..i am condemned..i am not accepted...and that hurts me..because i went into the relationship wanting her to be a parent..wanting her to be my parent..and she isnt my parent..and its not fair for me to have so many expectations of her..for me to want so many things from her...i was willing to do what she wanted..i was willing to try and to be good and to be what she said i should be..to do what she said i should do...because i felt like i had too..and so when i failed it was hard for me to accept.it was hard for me to come to terms with..i wanted to be perfect for her..but my past will not be gone just because she has said me so..i cant erase years of hurt and pain and shame and guilt and all of that after talking to her a few times..im not able to stop behaviors right then and there because she believes that it is not ok...

i am not my scars..i am not my past..but i am also not this automatically positive person either..it takes a lot of work and constant effort for me to feel ok and to feel like i can manage..and once again i was pulled into someone elses idea of what i needed to be doing and how i needed to act and think..and that never lasts for long..that never works for long .. and when i had a set back..it made me feel as if i just messed everything up..and i dont like feeling like that..because it was becoming to much of like how things were with mommy..how things are with mommy..and i dont want that..i dont need that..i will not allow that to happen..

if i do decide to keep going to church..then i need to learn to control my boundaries..and i will have to accept that my scars are there and that they do not define me..i am not my scars..i am able to laugh and talk and care and love regardless of the scars..the scars are a result of a behavior..i am not doing it for attention..i am not doing it to die..i am able to manage and keep myself under control ... the cutting is a behavior..a symptom...

i know that i did not do a good job of explaining..and i did not explain what it is that i wanted or needed from her..my desires to be protected and cared for got in the way..and maybe i just wasnt even sure what it was that i did want from her..i know that i have to let her take the next step though because i asked to talk to her..and now i have to wait for her to answer..i will give her space and all of that..i will not push..and i have to be able to accept what she decides..and be able to understand that it is not necessarily a reflection of me..i have to learn that not everyone is able to accept the cutting..not everyone can accept or understand the self harm..the desire..the urge..the needs that are all tangled up into it...and i just need to be more careful about it..it is not something that has to come up in common conversation..it is not something that has to be known..i am more than that and i have to remember that..

i cant make anyone else accept it or deal with it..but i can teach others about it..i can educate and advocate.. i can work to change how people see it...i will not continue to be forced to be silent and to hide and to pretend..its not fair..i am different..i am not crazy..im not stupid..i dont deserve to be locked away anywhere..and i do not need to worry that i am unable to help someone else because of my own behaviors..i am getting help..i am working on controlling my behaviors..i am working to learn other things to do to help get through the urges ..im learning to work through the thoughts and feelings and emotions..i am not just cutting and that is it..no i am in therapy..i am talking..i am asking for support..i am trying..regardless of what other people say or see..i am trying my hardest to get past this..to get through this..

i guess i am just disappointed that it is in church that i find that i am not accepted..and maybe it is fear..people are afraid of what they do not understand..people are afraid of the unknown..i wanted to be accepted..to not be judged..to be valued and cared for and supported..and maybe i will have to look for those things outside of the cutting...i have linda and others for the support of the self harm and when i am struggling with that..maybe i need to view church in a different way until i am stronger..until i understand more..i am not willing to completely give up the care i have gotten from some people there..i cant let that go..i dont think i can...

today....

today has been a hard hard day...i truly think i lost my mind earlier this morning..i just couldnt get it togther at all..i couldnt remember anything..i couldnt deal with anything..and gosh darn if i didnt almost forget about my t appt!  i was flipping out..and it was not pretty..to put it nicely ... but i did make it to t..and my mood was so depressing and hopeless..and the funny thing is that t completely connected it to what had happened with the pastors wife last week..and well the med issue..but it was a lot of what happened with the pastors wife and wanting so much from her and it hurting so much to realize that she is human just like everyone else..and it hurts..a lot..but i have to be able to sepearate myself from it and not let it consume me..and it was consuming me..and so we did talk about all of that..and i told her that i would be getting my meds like right after i saw her ! and i did..and holy cow my head has been going off all day..its like having fireworks going off in my head and not being able to control or stop them..little pings that make my head hurt and gives me headaches and makes me feel so sick and unable to manage..i feel so hateful and tired and queasy..and i swear to never ever ever run out of my meds again..that damn effexor is gonna kill me! gosh darn it..but i got it filled today and now the waiting for it to take effect is going on..and right now im feeling awful physically..but im more clear headed because i really did lose my mind and have had like 4 normal conversations today..this evening...i must have been really really sick to actually call people without being forced to and actually hold a conversation..and it didnt kill me..and i was able to talk about some of my stuff..and some other stuff..and just random stuff..and it was nice..and i even talked to kathy..and talking to her did make me feel loads better..and she told me that she was proud of me..and i told her that i was feeling super mean and hateful lately...cas of med stuff so yeah...im hoping that i really just need a couple days for the meds to kinda kick in and i can rejoin the real world without wanting to like hurt other people..cas gosh darn my head has not been a nice place lately...

but i also had to see the diabetes doc today..and you can imagine my surprise when i was told that my lab work has come back and it is great..my a1c is down to 6.1 and that ive reached my goal :) :)  given not the best day for me to receive the news but darn i am proud of myself i think..i know that once i am feeling more clear headed then i will be feeling better about it..i told kathy and a couple other ppl about it and they were happy for me..and that helped a lot..and so i am feeling calmer about things...i think ive been sorta talked out for the evening..and i am feeling really tired and worn out now..i think ill be calling it an early night tonight..a very early night lol..

feeling crazy does seem to make me more talkative..i think i called a lot of people this evening...it was a distraction..a good one..i did have some good conversations..

but my headache is starting to return so i think ill go back to laying down for a bit..

coming to terms with the truth..and understanding my choices

sometimes being told the truth about yourself..just sucks..it hurts..it makes you sad..if makes you angry..but in the end its still the truth isnt it...

i can sit here and say over and over again that i dont like lady anymore..that i dont want to talk to her anymore because she hurt my feelings..because she isnt accepting me where im at...i could go on and on and on about how unfair it is and how i should be able to just get supported and get coddled and hugs and everything that I want..because that is what makes me feel better...  but the truth of it would be that if i did that..id i said that..then i am staying right where i am comfortable at..right were i know things and understand that if i drive her away then i will just look for someone else to fill her place..i will look for someone who will give me what it is that i want..and will not challenge me on anything at all...i think that was the problem..that she challenged me and made me feel so uncomfortable..and for me the uncomfortable feelings turned into she is being mean and doesnt like me type thinking..and that i am just doing everything wrong and failing and so on and so forth..i dont like being challenged..i dont like being forced to look at myself..because ys i may have been working on things and slowly doing new things and all of that..but i was also finding a comfortable space to stay in all of the newness..i was still finding a way to hide..a way to pretend..i was falling into the trap of listening to so many other people telling me once again what it is that i need to do..how i need to feel..i was being told that being positive is all i can do and that if im not being positive then i am making the choice to be negative and to stay miserable...again and again i keep being told that im just not trying hard enough..and it makes me angry..and yes i tend to do stupid things when im angry..but this time i just withdrew from life..from everything for a few days..i needed time to think..to process..to feel sorry for myself..to regroup in a way...i needed to figure out what it is that i wanted..what it is that i am willing to work for..

and do you know what did it?  do you know what happened that got my head to wrap around the fact that i am worth more than i think and that i am important to people?  i was at the movies with a 3 yr old..and yes he fell asleep..goodness i was hoping he feel asleep lol...but he went to sleep and i moved him into a more comfortable position because looking at the kid i didnt know how he didnt want up with a major crink in his neck from the way he was sitting..but anyway..i moved him around so that he was leaning against me..still at an odd angle but the kid was sleeping good obviously because no amount of action going on on screen woke him up..but after a good while and a few repositions ..im looking at this kid and realizing that i do love him..and that i would do anything to make sure that he was safe and happy and cared for...i realized that i am capable of love,that it is ok to love..that i can love him and not be afraid..i spend so much time walking around and thinking that i am unlovable..that no one wants me..that im not needed..that im not important..and its not true is it?  i do have people that love and care for me..and maybe its just that i need to hear it more often than someone..but i am not as alone as i tend to get myself to believe.. but yes all it took was a small child to help me realize that even with all of my own stuff...all of my own hurt and pain and fear..that i am not lost..i am not destined to just die and go away...i may be negative a lot of the time..but it has lessened.. alot too..i may things that are not ok and are scary but they do not completely stop me anymore either..i am not awful or bad or stupid .. im just me..i can with my past..i have my baggage..i have my hurts and my hang ups...i have my scars..but i am still me..happy, sad, upset, lost, confused, hurt, disappointed, alone, all of it...none of it lasts forever..none of it can keep me trapped anymore..it wont keep me trapped anymore...

it has taken a lot of thinking of processing..of feeling so hurt and sad and useless..to realize that this is my path..my journey..and that i can ask for help and support..but that i cant expect everyone to understand in the way that i want them too..i know that jessica, kathy, fatimah, linda, some of my docs will understand that the cutting is just a symptom of something more..something deeper that needs to be addressed..but i cant expect that same sort of understanding from everyone..and i think that is where i made the mistake...i wasnt prepared for the judging that was a result..and it may have been unintentional judgeing but i felt judged all the same...and i felt that i wasnt making the progress that was expected of me..and so when i did cut..it was like i did the ultimate disgrace..i failed so badly that there was just no more hope for me left at all..that there was no point..that i just might as well die and get it over and done with so that i wouldnt have to deal with anyone elses disappointment..i guess you could say that i over reacted just a little bit...lady had a right to say what she said because it was her feelings..and i dont think she meant to hurt me as badly as she did..but again i also didnt tell her just how much what she told me hurt...but i just dumped all of this on her..the cutting, the hurt, the confusion..i made her acknowledge it..and then expected her to just deal with it and make it better..and in her mind..her telling me to stop was enough..she expected me to obey..she expected that i would do what she wanted...because i wanted her enough that  i was willing to obey...but it doesnt work like that..it doesnt just go away because she wants me to not hurt myself..because she told me that its not okay to hurt myself..because she like mommy threw in the statements about hospitals and needing help and needing to be watched and all of that...and that made me feel worse...that made me feel crazy and stupid and like there is something so messed up with me..that there is something so wrong with me that i will never be able to control myself that i will never be able to stop and let go of the urge..the need to hurt myself..but that wasnt fair..and i should have figured that out much sooner..i should have realized that being told to stop..to get rid of my tools..to rely on her..wasnt going to work out like that..it wasnt going to just stop and be tied up into a neat little box and put away for the rest of my life...how many times have i told someone that you cant MAKE someone stop..that you cant take away what is possibly keeping them alive and expect it to go the waay you want it to go...you cant force someone to stop and think that is all it is going to take...i knew all of this..and i ignored it..because i wanted her to be proud of me..i wanted her to want me..i wanted her to tell me over and over again that i was important and needed and that i would be ok...but that was part of the problem..i forced myself to comply with what she wanted from me..the same way i complied with what mommy wanted from me...i said i would stop..and i did for a few weeks..but the urges were still there..the thoughts were still there..and once it got to the point that i was considering just cutting and lying i knew it wasnt going to work..and so then all the guilt and shame and feeling like a failure came up full force..it was like i had once again not been strong enough to stay safe..to keep myself 'clean'..the more i said no ..the more i wanted it..and i didnt want to die..i just wanted to hurt.  i wanted a break...i expected her to understand the need..the desire..i expected her to accept the set backs and to keep going along with me all the same..and that wasnt fair of me...i understand now that i didnt explain the cutting well at all..i showed her yes..i shocked the hell out of her yes..but then i let her come to her own conclusions and let her think that this was just something that i could easily stop and get past ..when its not..maybe i ended up accidentally setting myself up for failure on this one...maybe it was that my need for approval outweighed everything else..i wanted her approval..i wanted her attention..i was willing to do what she wanted me to do inorder to get it...but it doesnt work like that..and i suppose that this outcome really shouldnt surprise me..it hurts...it hurts alot because i feel like i have just been completely judged and condemned in one conversation..and that is all there is to it..and thats not completely true either...because the more i think about it..the more i realize that i am going to have to stand up for myself on this one...i may have cut..i may have hurt myself..and it may seem wrong to her..but i am not just my scars..i am not going to be labeled by them either..i may hurt myself but i am not on deaths door..i am not going to drop dead at this minute because i cut myself...dear god she would have put me in the hospital if she knew everything i have done to myself on purpose...and maybe it is the anger that i have been missing in just all of this..i could go along with what everyone else tells me..i can agree that its bad and wrong and all sorts of stuff..and i did it without reacting..without anger...but this time i am upset..this time it feels like i am being judged based on my actions first and the rest of me second...and i dont like that..which also begs to point out that i have to stop doing that same thing..hiding behind the scars..defining myself by the scars...i am more than just the scars i have..and i have a lot of scars..and if i stop and think about just how much i have scarred my body it is very depressing..but the only thing my scars have stopped me from doing is dressing a certain way..thats all...i feel embarrassed when im at the doctors office of course..and god forbid i have to get a darn shot for some reason...but the world goes on..my day goes on..the scars arent going away..the recent cutting was a set back..not the end of the world..

more than anything else though..it was the statements about my ability to help others that hurt more than anythings else..i may not be able to consistently help mself or not hurt myself ..but i would never ever hurt another person..i would do anything in my power to help someone else..to reach someone else..to support and care and do everything i could to let someone else know they were not alone...my ability to help and work with someone is not solely based on what i am doing to myself..it doesnt make it better no..it doesnt make it easier...but i am not harming someone else either..and my one behaviors have lessened ALOT in the past couple years...my thinking is not constantly dangerous..and i know when i have reached my limit of being around others and when i need to step back because im not doing well myself...i would not harm another person because i am not in a stable frame of mind..i wont..i understand the need to get my own stuff in order so that i will be more effective..not because people are afraid of me.or because people are doing worse from talking to me or something...no ..its not like that..i know that i am a good worker..a good counselor...i know the areas i struggle with..and yes i can benefit from being a bit ..ok a lot more assertive..but i know what im talking about..i mean it when i tell my clients i understand how hard it is going from one day to the next..or how much of a pain it is having to take medication every day and having numerous doctor appointments to go to..im not making that up..im not playing with them or invalidating what they are experiencing..hell i could BE them...and my director knows enough to be able to identify if there is something major going on..crap i would prolly tell her...I AM NOT A DANGER TO MY CLIENTS .. im not..and i never have been...sometimes it is my clients that keep my from being more of  danger to myself..i may doubt a lot of things about myself...but i do not doubt that i do a good job with my clients..i may feel unimportant and not needed at times..but with my clients i know what when i am with them..i am with them..for good or bad..im not afraid of them..or their mental or health issues..i care about them..maybe more than i care about myself..but no i would not harm them..i would never ever harm them..and i dont like that it can be implied that because of my own behaviors then i am not fit to do my job..that is not true..and i will not believe that..

today is sunday..and today i feel like i can rejoin the world..that i am ready to rejoin the world..and deal with life outside of my apartment...i had a hard time wed - friday..a very very very hard time..and so i just kept to myself..slept a lot..thought alot..i have not hurt myself because i dont want too..not because ive been told that i shouldnt do it..or that i need to not do it..and im stepping back a little bit from church...my thoughts on that is confused still..and still hurt..so i am just going to give myself more time to figure out what it is that i want from the church route..that and i really do plan to talk to lady about some of this..because i need to know where im at with her..for peace of mind i guess..i think i have been pushing myself to much to do all this stuff..and to appear like im doing so great and better an well all it has led to is a mini break down..so yeah..backing off may be good for a little bit..no sundays anyway..but i do like bible study so i may do that by itsself for  a little while..

the interesting thing in all of this..is that i thought about it ..and thought about it..and thought about it somemore..and still didnt ask anyone else what i should do...i pulled back from everything..i stopped posting online..and just it a couple places know that my feelings had been hurt big time and that i felt the need to hide and just be quiet for a while..i still feel the need to be quiet..and to think..and to just figure out where i am at...heck i really do think that if i had the money i would have gone away this weekend ..somewhere...just away for a few days...just to get away from everything that is bothering me and wearing on me..nad making me question things...instead i just stayed home and well did nothing..today i am going out for a bit..errands to run..but still coming home and just being is still on the schedule..that and i need to go and get my meds before my head explodes..

i keep being told over and over and over again that i have to chose ..i have to make the choice to decide what it is that i want to do..what it is im willing to fight for..i have to decide if i want to be miserable or to be free..no one can make that choice for me...everyone keeps telling me thing..over and over and over...but this time i am listening...this time i think i had to understand that my illusion of how life should be played out isnt how it happens...i may want acceptance..but acceptance starts from within..and if i had been able to accept myself and what happened on wed..then maybe the conversation would have gone better on thursday and i would not have felt like i was being judged...

i am only in control of my behaviors..my actions..my thoughts..my beliefs..thats all i have..thats whole i am..i cant trade in for a new model...i cant start over and gain a whole new past ...im where im at because of my past..im who i am because of my past..i may not be perfect..i may not be the nicest at times or the most helpful..i mean have days where im down right mean and hateful and well yeah you get the picture...but im also the person who will do everything i can to help someone else..im the person who listens to whatever and i will sit down and give a child the same attention i give an adult..i laugh and smile and play and do so mcu other stuff...all of these things..the good, the bad, the ugly..it all makes up who i am..and i may be different..i may be follow the norms...i may do things that makes no sense to anyone else but me gosh darnit..but take it or leave it...i am me...and me is all i know how to be...

Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen.
Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different.
~ Stacey Charter

 

There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it!
I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love!
I am a whole complex package.
Take me... or leave me.
Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.
When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.

‘Often we don't even realize who we're meant to be because we're so busy trying to live out someone else's ideas. But other people and their opinions hold no power in defining our destiny.’ ~ Oprah Winfrey

 'Do you really want to look back on your life and see how wonderful it could have been had you not been afraid to live it?' ~ Caroline Myss

 'Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us. ' ~ Marianne Williamson

'Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.' ~ Raymond Lindquist

 

 

Hurting

Im trying hard to keep writing because i am feeling so very sad and broken. I just want to be heard and accepted but again it is being pointed out that i cant expect others to accept me if im not willing to accept myself. I really do feel the need to stay here and just exist for a few days.  Quietly away from everyone. I just need to think. Figure out what it is that i am wanting from myself and everyone around me. Im disappointed in myself. I am.

needing to write....

last night was a haze...a huge huge haze..im just not sure what happened really..i wanted to just not be apart of anything at all..i dont want to be around anyone ..im feeling very sad and confused...my feelings are hurt..but then the truth hurts doesnt it..the truth hurts and it sucks and it makes me sad to know that other ppl see me as being untruthful and of playing games...have i really completely lost touch with who i am ? have i just become a make up of what everyone else wants to me be?  how far have i come just to go backwards and still stay stuck?  why am i holding on to the past so very hard?  why is it that i havent been able to let things go..to move on..to know that the past is just that..the past and that it can no longer hurt like it did then?  why am i stuck locked in these feelings of sadness and hurt and loneliness? i dont mean to do it.i dont mean to play games but i do manipulate..i manipulate awfully :( and i feel awful...how screwed up am i really?  how much has the past just messed me up?? why cant i see what other people see in me..why do i have to struggle so much with everything?  why do i have to learn that its ok to be happy..it ok to not want to hurt myself..

i want so much to get attention..to get support and care and understanding and yet i keep messing it up..i overload and push away and do things on purpose ..until im just left by myself .. until i am just alone again..

it is wrong of me to expect that everyone will be able to accept the cutting..accept the scars...its not fair for me to expect that from others..i have been spoiled in a way i guess..in that the ppl i work with..my therapist..my past teachers..understood..the drive..the urge..what was behind it to a certain extent...but someone else..just a person i know may not understand it like them..it is odd and wrong and bad..and i feel ashamed...i am shamed of what i have done..i am ashamed of how much i feel i need to do it..im ashamed of the scars and how much i have destroyed myself..she tells me its wrong..that its crazy..and she is right isnt she :( am i crazy? do i need to be institutionalized? do i need to be locked up...locked away...is there something wrong with me ? what do i do? i know its not normal..it is a coping method..not a great one..but a coping one all the same...is it fair for me to expect her to understand and support something that she considers to be so wrong..something that she sees as being a sin..why do i want so much from her? why do i need so much from her ?  its not fair...i just want her to want me..to accept me..i want her to love me and parent me and need me..i want her to parent me..and im hurt that she is not able to be in that role..she wont be in that role..and maybe that is what is causing so much hurt right now..that she is not able to be what i want her to be  for me...and im feeling alone..very alone and confused..because i dont understand what it is that i need to do..what it is that i want to do...what do i have to decide...

what do i want..i am so tired..tired of all of this...but the hurt doesnt go away..the hurt never goes away..

 i just want to hide away..i want to ignore everyone and everything until i get it figured out..i dont know what i want to do..i dont know what i should do...but i am just feeling sad ...very very sad and unsure and afraid..

yesterday

I was on the receiving end of one of those conversations i dont like at all. The one that points out that i am just playing games and not going forward or making any real progress and that im nit trying hard enough. The question was raised about how i can be helping other people when i am not even helping myself. My feelings are hurt. Except im not even sure if i have the right to be hurt about what i was told. She told me i needed to make a choice. I needed to decide if i wanted to truly be better to be free. But once again i am being pulled into everyone elses idea of what better looks like because i dont know. Am i really just telling everyone what it is that they want to hear? Am i just playing along and just saying all of this stuff and not really applying any of it? I dont know what it is that i am supposed to be doing or what i need to do to get
Better. Im at a loss really. Im feeling pretty down and just really unsure of things. I just want to take a break from everything for a couple days. I need to think. I need to just get away from everything right now. Its all making me feel so tired and overwhelmed and unsure

failure

failed on the s/i today...

just wanting to sleep right now and hide away from the accusations that i am just not trying hard enough to get better maybe i should be locked up somewhere..since i cant seem to get a handle on this out in the real world

why do i have to keep fighting ???

the feelings are overwhelming..the need to hurt myself..the need for release..the stress the worries the fear the anxiety..its all in my head and im afraid of how badly i want to release it..im afraid to the point of panicking ..im afraid that i still want to hurt myself..i worry that i am not strong enough to get through the urges ..and not even the threat of being put in the hospital is swaying me..i want to hurt..i need to hurt..i need to remember that i am alive..i need to remember that i am still breathing..that i am still here..im afraid because it feels like i am nothing right now..that i am just taking up space but that there is nothing substantial to me..that i will really just go away..that i am just not worth anything at all..and the sadness becomes overwhelming..and i feel sad..im not afraid to die..im not afraid to go away..i want so much to make it all stop..to make it all go away..i just want things to be calmer..i want things to go away..i want things to stop..cutting is bad..cutting is wrong..cutting hurts..it hurts..the scars the pain..the shame..why cant i stop..why do i have to keep thinking that i need it..that i have to have it..that only it will help me feel better..why cant i save myself ...

very disappointed in NC

the amendment was passed to deny gay marriage in nc :(  i have no intention of every moving back to NC. That is not fair that ppls rights are being judged and taken away.  love is love. that is all.

After a While (Kirk Franklin)

"After a while"
Kirk Franklin

[Chorus:]
After a while, after a while
This too shall pass
After a while
Scars will heal, you’ll love again
It won’t hurt you after a while
It won’t hurt after a while

[Verse 1:]
Stuck between if and when
You pray and tried
But still no end
God’s purpose soon you’ll understand
It won’t hurt you after a while
It won’t hurt you after a while

[Chorus]

[Verse 2:]
So when the pain has come to an end
And now your heart is whole again
Help someone who needs to know
That it won’t hurt them after a while
It won’t hurt them after a while
It wont hurt them after a while

the weight of secrets...

i have been having a hard day..well one i think i needed to seriously sleep off the meds ..that clonazepan is breaking me..but it is calming me down some but not enough..i just want to escape which lets me know that i most likely wont be able to keep taking it for a long period of time at all..because i want to take more than im supposed to..i want to just get to that place where i dont have to think or feel or even acknowledge anymore anymore..nothing has gone on today..ive laid around for most of the day..not doing anything..napping off and on..and still i feel just down..sad..wanting to hurt..feeling alone..i want to know that i matter..i want to know that i am loved..i am wanting support a lot..and i think that last week was so stressful and tiring to me and the after effect is that i am feeling more alone ..more unsure of myself..i want to believe that i matter.. that i am important..but instead all i am doing/ thinking is doubting..wondering what anyone wants to do with me..wondering what the point is..wondering why i am supposed to be bothering with any of this..and it is upsetting..because i know that it is so easy for all of the thinking to get worse..so easy..and i dont want to feel worse..i was having a few good days .. i want to keep those good days..and it makes me sad that my head just cant give me a break..am i really making the choice to stay stuck and sad and miserable?  i am trying?  im trying freakin hard not to hurt myself..not to cut..it would be so easy to give in to those thoughts..when i am looking for an escape..and i want an escape..and im using a couple things for an escape..warped things..bad things..bad thoughts under the guise of feeling good for a little while..but the pretense..the thoughts in the situation are bad..they are hurtful..demeaning..horrrible..but .. but i can get past that if it gets me what i want...im just as bad as some pervy guy or something..i am :(

my secrets are going to kill me...its just a matter of time..they already weigh me down..they make me so tired..they hurt me..they make me afraid..they make me think that it is ok to die..that i can escape this pain..this confusion..all of this lostness...that with death i will be able to finally find peace...all i want is peace..freedom..silence..safety..
but i have nothing..i am still waiting..when is it ok to stop waiting ?

thoughts...feeling sad

Sooner or later, Time comes bearing a gilded mirror in which you can look at yourself and see that you were always worth more than you thought, always more beautiful than you knew, and always stronger than you ever imagined. And should the day come when you lose sight of your ability or your worth again, take down the mirror and let your older, wiser eyes bear witness to what was, and will be, forever true. ~ Sandra Kring

Today ...-sigh- today..im not sure what it is but something has me feeling very sad today..i want to withdraw..i want to hide away..i dont know...just feeling down..

 and at the same time i feel like my time line for being better, becoming better, getting better..is not fast enough..like im still focusing more on the negative stuff and somehow i am just causing myself to stay stuck..to not get better..:( it makes me feel bad..it makes me feel like i am still just lacking..that im still just a failure..and i have been trying so much harder to be more positive..to not get caught up in the negative stuff..and its just i dont know how to explain that its not so easy to just turn it off..to just BE better..to just BE more positive...and i feel like people think i am just making excuses when i say that i am having a bad day..or that i am not doing so great for whatever reason..and i dont know..yes i know that the bad feelings will pass eventually..but sometimes its so much harder having to sit through the feelings and wait it out and realize that i am just sad and hurting and that there may not be a set reason for why i am feeling like that..maybe im just feeling sad today..maybe i dont need a reason..but yes this morning when i was out and about i did feel very sad and upset and irritable..very very not ok with things you know..i was thinking about hurting myself a little bit..i was feeling alone..and i ended up calling lady..and she talked to me for a good long while..she listened..but she pushes the be positive..dont believe the lies..get out of my head..and i know that yes i prolly do need someone to just tell me like it is and not coddle me..but i was in a mood to be coddled gosh darn it..and so i was getting mad at her because she wasnt telling me what i wanted to hear..and instead telling me all the stuff i prolly needed to hear..i needed to be told to not cut..to not hurt myself..she is quite serious about putting me in the hospital if she finds out im still hurting myself..and i havent since the last time i did it which was about two weeks ago i think..it feels like forever..it does..and still the urge to just stop my head becomes overwhelming at times..there are still times that i just cant deal with things you know..and i dont know how to manage myself without hurting..and i knew perfectly well that i wasnt going to cut today...my thinking wasnt that far gone..but lady also told me that i needed to be honest with myself because if i was thinking about it then eventually i would have done it..and yes i know that she is right about that..with enough thinking about it and wanting it then i would have convinced myself that it was ok to cut..that it was ok to hurt.. but i havent..so umm we talked for a while and im supposed to be still working on thinking more positively and telling myself positive stuff..but one of the things that upset me a lot was that she asked me something and i told her that i wasnt important..and her response was that ok if i keep saying that then she is going to say it to..and i told her that i didnt want her to say it..i told her it was ok for me to say it but not ok for her to say it..because well i guess that then i start thinking that she really is going to give up on me or something..and i depend on her and others to keep contradicting me on that kind of stuff..i dont want her to give up on me..i dont want her or linda or jessica or kathy or any of the people that i care about to give up on me..i may push them away with everything i have but i need them..i need them to the voice of reason when i cant find any..

do i sound enough like a borderline person yet ?!?! ugh

but something i did think about today..was that ... the jealously part of things  that keeps coming up for me and causing me to feel so upset and terrirtorial and what not...growing up there was always someone else around..i never really had one on one attention that was positve..or helpful or caring or comforting..and so i avoided it at all costs because i didnt want any attention because for me attention was a negative thing..ive im bad yes ill have attention and nothing good will come of it..if i am in trouble i got attention..if i was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and i got attention, i am sure that it wasnt anything good that was coming from it..so attention is a double edged sword really..i dont want it..i hate it..i hate feeling like im being watched..i hate having someone looking just at me..i hate it because it makes me feel inadequate..it makes me feel scared and nervous and anxious..but i want attention..i want attention so so so much..and the people who currently give me attention all have you know their own lives and stuff..but i want 100% of there attention..i dont want to have to share there attention with anyone or anything..i want them to just have me and for that be enough..i want to be enough for someone..and i think that is why i get so jealous..because i get so caught up and attached to them and then i dont want to have to share them..i dont want to have to share them..and i get mad when there are others that get there attention..i dont like it..ive always had to share..its never just been me and me alone..:( 

maybe im just feeling sorry for myself today or something..well i know i am..but well yeah

i ended up taking nap when i got home earlier and i think my dreams were a little weird not scary completely but just different..not scary i dont think...

im about to take my night meds and just lay down some more..im feeling tired and worn out this week..i think the heat is really affecting me a lot..im tired..really really tired..

 

i really want to say this for the last damn time

i have facebook because i want it. not for someone else to read something i write and then take it back to mommy. i am not a child. i dont need anyone telling her anything that i am writing or doing. for the love of all things ugh..if you have a question or a concern ask me damnit..i think im old enough to know what i am saying..i dont live at home. i dont tell mommy everything. if im not okay then damn it that is my problem to deal with..not your problem to take to mommy and question..crap i hate that so much..and it makes me so upset when she ends up questioning me about something..damn i didint even post anything remotely upsetting or worrisome yesterday..am i not allowed to have a bad day?? am i not allowed to say what ever in the hell i want to say on MY page?? i think that is crossing a line..a boundary or something . and it pisses me off.

thats all

ramblings

today has been ..i dont know how to really describe today..i mean it wasnt a bad day..it wasnt..for the majority of the day i was feeling ok..there was a little time when i started to feel out of energy..tired and cranky and a little sad...but it passed..i had to work to contain my irritability...i really did at times with a couple clients..but i did and it ended up being ok..i actually came home and cooked dinner..a big thing for me lately!! and then i actually called kathy and talked to her :) which did make me feel happier..and i know that when i see her i will get a hug..and im trying to be patient..i really am..but darn it i wish she was still at the office..but i did tallk to her so ill take what i can get..its not like i can make her come back..i dont know how many times ive asked her to come back..but ok..umm ive not really thought much about what i wrote earlier..i guess im thinking about it..still woondering about it..wondering what is different..wondering why now you know...why not years ago??  so much could have been avoided..i could have joined the world of the living so long ago..but its now that things are changing..now when i have found support and care and love..a steady supply of it..am i able to see that things can be different..that things can be ok..has everything in my life led me to now?  right here? have things happened as they are supposed to?  did i need to have the hurt and pain and all of that to understand where i am at now? i want to say how unfair it is..but thats the way it happened..kathy says that forgiveness is key..forgivness for me not for them..for me..and well i think that for me..i need to accept before i can forgive..i need to be able to speak what has happened..speak it honestly..feel it..know it..let it go..and then i think ill be in the place to forgive...im not rushing it..i dont think i can..ive tried and nothing good has come of it..nothing at all..so yeah..overall i have been calm today..my mood has been ok i think..but well eating an actual dinner has made me feel tired ..darn ... cas i have a butt load of notes to get done..yikes

so just some rambles..nothing very thrilling ..

there comes a time when you have to admit that you need help ...i guess this is my time

IT IS NOT FAIR THAT BECAUSE OF MY CHILDHOOD I AM FORCED TO FIGHT AND STRUGGLE TO JUST GET THROUGH THE DIE WITHOUT HARMING MYSELF OR TRYING TO DIE. ITS NOT FAIR THAT I AM STUCK DEPENDING ON OTHERS BECAUSE I AM AFRAID TO TRUST MYSELF. ITS NOT FAIR THAT I DONT SEE MYSELF CLEARLY AND THAT MY OPINIONS OF MYSELF ARE SO WARPED AND DANGEROUS AND MESSED UP. ITS NOT FAIR THAT THE ONLY THING I CAN DO TO LET GO OF THE PAIN IS TO CUT AND BURN AND PURGE AND ANYTHING THT WILL HURT. I DONT KNOW HOW TO SPEAK UP FOR MYSELF. I DONT KNOW HOW TO SAY THAT I AM HURTING. I KNOW SILENCE, I KNOW HOW TO HURT AND NOT SAY A WORD. I KNOW HOW TO HIDE AND PRETEND AND BE IN CONTROL OF MYSELF. I DONT KNOW HOW TO LET GO OR ASK FOR HELP OR BE HEARD. I WANT ATTENTION AND I PUSH IT AWAY. I WANT CARING AND COMFORT AND INSTEAD I ISOLATE AND TELL MYSELF I NEED NOTHING AND NO ONE. ITS NOT FAIR THAT MY LIFE IS PASSING ME BUY AND I KEEP WATCHING AND WANTING BUT NOT FULLY ABLE TO BE IN IT..ITS NOT FAIR THE CARDS I HAVE BEEN DEALT IN LIFE. ITS NOT FAIR THAT I WASNT PROTECTED. THAT I WAS HURT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. ITS NOT FAIR THAT NO ONE SAW WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME. NO ONE NOTICED THAT I NEEDED HELP. THAT I NEEDED SOMETHING. NO ONE WAS THERE FOR ME. I WAS LEFT ALONE, I WAS BY MYSELF. MY SILENCE TRAPPED ME AND MY SELF HATE GREW AND GREW. NOW IM ASKED TO CONTAIN IT, TO STOP IT BUT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS JUST HOW BIG IT IS. HOW MASSIVE IT IS AND HOW EASILY IT TAKES OVER. I KNOW THE HATE. I KNOW THE SELF LOATHING, THE DISGUST, THE VOICES THAT TELL ME I AM NOTHING. I AM WORTH NOTHING. I WILL BE ALONE FOREVER. I HIDE BEHIND THE WORDS. I HIDE WITHIN THE WORDS. I HAVE ACCEPTED THOSE WORDS AS TRUTH. NOW IM TOLD THEY ARE NOT TRUE. THEY ARE LIES. THEY HURT ME THEY ALLOW ME TO HURT MYSELF. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO BREAK DOWN YEARS AND YEARS OF LIES AND HURT AND PAIN ?  WHAT EXACTLY AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN IM NOT SURE OF WHAT I BELIEVE. I HAD PLANS. PLANS TO DIE. PLANS TO RUN AWAY. PLANS TO HIDE. PLANS TO NEVER NEVER SPEAK ABOUT MY PAST.  NO ONE COULD KNOW. NO ONE WAS THERE TO HELP. I COULD MANAGE. I DID MANAGE. ALL IT TOOK WAS CAUSING A LITTLE BIT OF EXTRA PAIN AND I COULD GO THROUGH THE DAY. I COULD STOP THE THOUGHTS. I COULD QUIET MY MIND.  I DIDNT SEE THAT I WAS DESTORYING MYSELF.  WHY WOULD I SEE THAT WHEN I JUST WANTED TO DIE?  I WAS NOTHING WORTH SAVING. I WAS NOT WORTH ANYONES TIME OR EFFORT. I DIDNT KNOW THAT ITS NOT OKAY TO HURT YOURSELF. MAYBE I DIDNT WANT TO KNOW IT.  I MADE MYSELF BELIEVE IT WAS OKAY.  THAT I WAS ONLY HURTING MYSELF AND NO ONE ELSE. I DONT MATTER, ITS OKAY IF I DIE. NO ONE WOULD MISS ME. NO ONE WOULD NOTICE. I HATE YOU. I HATE ME. I HATE EVERYTHING. I DONT WANT TO HURT. I DONT WANT TO FEEL SAD AND ALONE AND MISERABLE AND UPSET AND CRAZY. I DONT WANT TO BE LOOKED AT LIKE I AM CRAZY BECAUSE I HAVE SCARS THAT I CANT EXPLAIN. SCARS THAT I DONT WANT TO EXPLAIN. BECAUSE NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. AND THEN PEOPLE ARE AFRAID. PEOPLE LOOK AT ME DIFFERENTLY. I AM BROKEN. I FEEL BROKEN. I FEEL TIRED. VERY VERY TIRED OF FIGHTING AGAINST MYSELF. TIRED OF FIGHTING EVERYONE ELSE FOR MY PEACE OF MIND. I GIVE UP. i just give up. its like having to start over isnt it. except i cant start over from the beginning. i really wish i could. i wish i could just take away all the years of hurt and pain and guilt and shame and fear and tears and wwords..there are so many words that i wish i could just take away and not have to hear..i wish i could have a family that loved me and wanted me and accepted me. i wish i could take away all the scars..both inside and outside. because i think im finally realizing what it is that i have been doing. i worked so hard to hide from the pain. the hurt. the fears. ive never been able to say i was abused. i was hurt. i was used. i was broken. i couldnt say that i was touched, or held  down, or hurt. i couldnt admit that i wasnt able to say no or well im not completely sure if i remember saying no. i couldnt admit that maybe the affection that came with being hurt like that made me not resist as much..i believed i had to do it. i had to do what i was told. i had to be good. i had to do everything possible to be good and stay out of trouble. but trouble kept finding me. i stayed in trouble. i wasnt good enough. i was bad. i stole, i lied, i was awful. no matter how hard i tried it wasnt enough and i kept trying and kept thinking that i just needed to try harder. that there was just something about me that made me so awful and if i could just hurt that part of me then i would be good. i would be loved. i would be wanted and accepted. i am still trying to hurt the bad part of me. im trying to hurt all of me. i know the words now. i tell myself over and over and over just how awful and bad and messed up i am. i say i deserved it, i blame myself for my short comings. for things that happened. it was all my fault. i deserved it. i didnt follow directions. i didnt do what i was asked to do..why did i have to fight so much. until i stopped fighting and i believed everything i was being told. i had to fight the urge to defend myself. i had to stop reacting. i had to see that i was awful. i had to because then that made it okay. it made what happened ok. it didnt matter what i thought or wanted or anything. if i was told i was bad then i was. if i was in trouble for something then i had done it..i could empty my head..i did empty it because then there was all this extra space to take in all of it..all of the mean words, all of the hurt..i had to lock myself away from anything that gave me attention. i was locked away from myself because i couldnt deal with anything. i think that i am still locked away some where. maybe not as firmly as before..but still i am trying to protect myself from being hurt..from being used..i dont want to become any more broken..there is no more room in my head to deal with that..ive never been able to completely tap into the pain and hurt and fear. i go around it. i hide from it. i pretend its not there. and then i end up confused when someone else tells me that they hurt for me. that they are angry for me. why do they feel these things and i dont ? i dont understand why it is that no one agrees with me when i say i am just bad and awful.  things that make sense to me do not make sense to other people.  what i believe makes sense to no one but me..and it is rather easy for others to poke holes in my beliefs and tell me that it is not true. there has been safety, a very weird and warped sense of safety..but safety all the same with hiding within my dysfunction.  i dont not walk around playing the victim but i tend to demand things from others that they may not be able to give..i transfer my feelings and needs onto people and then tend to drain them completely..i dont mean to but my ability to give and feel and all manners of positive relationship things are a bit messed up..i want from them but i dont want to give anything in return..i want my childhood back..i want parents. i want to feel protected and safe. sometimes im afraid that my desires will lead me to being in situations that i am not in control of. i end up pushing people away. isolating so much that no one knows me..i want to be forgotten and hate when i am forgotten. i want attention and hate when i have it. i want to be touched in a lot of different ways but will only accept hugs from some people..i have to remind myself that i am not going to be hurt. that im not going to be expected to do anything in return..i still become afraid though. im afraid of people who hold power over me. im afraid of men in general..and have recently been told that its not fair to group all men in one category..i can be polite and speak when im expected to but then i shut down. im really good at shutting down. im good at disappearing into my head and just not being present..if i am afraid. or  scared or sad. my need to be in control of myself is so strong that i cannot break for anyone..i cannot let anyone see me vulnerable because that causes me to feel anxious and scared and i tend to do not so good things when im feeling exposed in some way.  things are never about me..never about what i want..or need..its about what others need from me..what others want from me..what others have to say about me..how others see me..how am i supposed to know who i am when ive never mattered enough to figure it out..

this is different. this feels  different. writing this. im not upset anymore..sad yes. but not dangerous sad..just sad.  i think the part of all of this that i have missed..like the whole healing/recovery scope of things..is that i have to feel all of this..i have to feel it and acknowledge it to be able to let it go..and maybe the goal is that each time it will be easier..that each time it will hurt a little bit less..that each time ill be able to pick up the broken parts and let them fit back together..i have to acknowledge the hurt and all of that instead of ignoring it and pretending it is not there..i have to feel it inorder to be able to move past it..the build up of all of it is not going to magically go away..i may really it to be like that..but its not going to work like that. and i will stay where im at..neither moving forward or backwards. im not completely sure what to do with all of the feelings/emotions/thoughts..im afraid i wont be able to handle them..and i guess that is where the support thing comes in..i have to be to ask for support and help and encouragement..and i have to know that it is okay to ask for those things..i also have to come to terms with the fact that this isnt going to change over night..oh i really really want it to..but i have to be honest and know that its not going to happen that way..i have been really worried about not being able to deal with all of this..all of the past stuff..all of the emotions and feelings that come with all of the past stuff..but i can deal with it or not but all of it is still there..and it will come out eventually in some form or fashion..and if im not ready to deal with it then i will die..or go crazy..well crazier..but its like i have to prepare for what will come and what will happen..i guess thats the goal of like therapy and everything..to be able to figure out how to deal with all of this stuff without it becoming so overwhelming and consuming and not letting it completely destroy me..not letting it destroy me anymore..which also means that i have to keep letting linda help and well let her know that i do need help..is this what it feels like when you have to reach that place that lets you know that you really cant do this on your own? i do feel a bit dejected..defeated in a way..like i tried for so long to keep it together..to show that i could manage..and in that i think i was refusing everyones help..oh i would go to them to talk to them and hear what they had to stay..but i think i still thought i was supposed to do it on my own..and being told that the choices were up to me..that i had to decide didnt help matters at all..but maybe that was just my mind twisting things around..there is a difference in accepting help and assistance and guidance..i still have to make the decision to do whatever it is that i am going to do..but i dont have to stand there alone ..its not me against everyone else..its sorta me and the people who support me against the hurts that have caused me to develop some not so great habits and behaviors and coping stuff...i hadnt been able to fully accept that doing this alone was not going to work..and i tried..i tried really hard to prove that i was managing and in control..and i probably would have managed alone until i did end up killing myself in some misguided attempt to find relief..i dont want to die..and not dying is a daily battle that i will have to deal with until i can manage to not feel that i need it anymore.slipping up doesnt mean that i have failed..it doesnt mean that i am have to start over again..it is what it is (omg linda is in my head gosh darnit)..it wouldnt be fair to not know that there will be slip ups and prolly a lot of them..but the important thing is being able to move past them and not go backwards because of them..

im feeling very drained right now..tired..but oddly calm..im not afraid..i want to take a nap though..a long long nap..i hadnt planned to write all of this..but my head had other plans obviously..im not sure right now what it is that i am thinking. maybe im all thought out for the day..yes.. i think that i am all thought out..

this is true..and thoughts on today

"If just one person believes in you. Deep enough and strong enough. Believes in you hard enough and long enough. Before you knew it, someone else would think, "If he can do it, I can do it" Making it two. Two whole people who believe in you. And maybe even you can begin to believe in you too." by Robin and The Muppet Gang

 so saw this today...on facebook of course...sometimes facebook is where i go to feel better about things..about life..since the changes..a lot of people are sharing quotes and pictures and stuff..and i try to snag the ones that i find or that i like and all of that..but a friend had this one posted today and well i do see a lot of truth in it..i dont believe in myself much at all..but sometimes it is helpful to know that there are other people who care and believe in me..and im hoping that at some point i will be able to believe in myself too..i have them until i am able to do for myself...until im able to believe by myself..

yesterday was rather hard...sad...today i woke up in a better mood..but am currently not feeling so great at all..which lets me know that i need to prolly check my sugar..joy..ive got to get better with that..not looking forward to all of the meds either..well next week i think i have like 4 scripts i need to get filled..with a fifth coming on friday..and if i cant afford the pain meds then ill just be sleeping for about 3 days if the pain is bad..but trying not to think about that because it makes me very afraid..so yeah  

but today..im supposed to be writing about today..umm this morning i said goodbye to my little house guest..and it was an okay couple days.but again im glad to have my house to myself..im so tired and i have such a headache..and i really just want some time to myself.its like i need to build up my resources again so that i will be able to manage the next time i have to have company..but i took him home and then i went to church..and i debated the whole way to church..heck i was debating with myself yesterday about if i wanted to go or not..i wasnt sure ..i wanted lady there and she wasnt there..and that made me sad..and so i got there a little bit early..and was just hanging out in the back..i had claimed a seat in the back..where i was safe and could see everyone around me..i was ok there..but goodness there are a few ppl who just refuse to let me get away with sitting in the back..and so i was in the back minding my own business..and one of the usher ladies who checks on me like every single time she sees me..asked if i wanted to move up to the front and sit with the person i was sitting with on wed..and i told her that i wasnt sure..and she left..and so i was just in my own little world again..and then jessica comes along..and she sees me.and says hi and keeps going to her seat..and i kid you not..that less than ten minutes later the usher is back and asks if i want to sit with jessica..and darn it if i didnt move..i was undecisive majorly..but crap im drawn to jessica..and so eventhough i really wanted to stay where i was so that i could hide..no i went and sat with jessica..in the front..and my anxiety went through the roof..i was very scared and nervous and anxious..so so sooooooooooooooooo anxious..i was very close to having a full out panic attack..and i think that having the sides closed off really bothered me..it made the space seem so small and closed in..and i felt like i was just surrounded by people and that i wasnt safe..and well so on and so forth..just wasnt a comfortable experience for most of church today..and well a lot of the men were not in attendence because they had there confrence thing this weekend..and so it was like tons of women and children and the occansional guy..but no where near the number it usually is..but still i was freaking..and so elder spoke today..and i do like listening to her..i think its just something in her voice that draws me in..and holds me there..and well i find it so interesting that when she is up there she preaches with her eyes closed..i noticed that way back when she preached the first time one sunday..well the first time for me..and it was like holy cow her eyes are closed..and well of course i would notice that...haha..but yeah i pointed it out to her today..and she told me that she does do that and that she isnt good with eye contact and stuff and i was like yes..finally someone else who struggles with it and so i have no need to work on it..yeah irrational thoughts popping up really fast..but anyway..so she was preaching and i was just zoning in and out..thinking about what she was saying and mixing up things in my head..and wondering what it is that i want..and what it is that i believe..and i just kept thinking that i am so tired..im tired of fighting with myself..im tired of being sad..imm just tired of everything..and its so hard and i need help..that was my general line of thinking...which is a bit different than it usually is on a sunday during church..but somehow in the jist of all of my thinking and wonderings i got the bright idea to go up and get prayed for...which surprisingly didnt not raise my anxiety..i was scared yes..and incredibly nervous..but i was less anxious than i had been at the start of services..and so i waited..and kinda was having to talk myself up to it.because i was afraid of standing in front ..of like everyone..and when the time came i asked jessica if she would go with me..and well of course she did..she was more than happy to go..while i was a lot more reserved about the whole thing and still feeling nervous you know..but finally i followed her up to the front and completely stopped right at the end of the very first pew and was wondering if i really needed to go any farther..and jessica stood next to me for a second but then she moved around me and moved farther in front and had to motion for me to come and stand next to her..cas again i wasnt so sure about moving..but i got up there..and stood next to her..and had to work really hard to ignore that there were people standing behind me like just watching and so elder came over and i wasnt thinkking of changing my mind..heck i was already up there..might as well go through with it...but i was just afraid..and she asked me two questions..one was what do i want to be prayed for..something along those lines..to which i answered i dont want to die..i mean that is my biggest fear right now..that i will convince myself that its ok..that i really can find peace in death..so i told her that..and then she asked me if i was ready to give myself to god..and i did hesitate on that question..because i wasnt sure..i mean i dont know..i didnt know..but i shook my head yes after a few seconds..i mean again i had to think about a conversation that i had with her a few weeks ago..and she asked what did i have to lose by trying this..by asking god for help and accepting his help..i mean i have tried everything else havent i? what else is there left for me to try?? at the time of course i told her that i would think about it..and i have been thinking about it..i have been thinking about what she said and what lady says and what alisha has told me..and i think about what jessica has told me..and they all believe so fully..so completely..and i look at them and wonder what it is that i am missing..what it is that they are experiencing that i am just not a part of..and i dont understand..but yeah so i answered her questions and then she started to pray for me..and the thing is she had one hand on my forehead and one on my back..andn although it felt weird ..i mean it was ok..but i also had jessica on one side of me and someone else who stood in front of me that i wasnt able to place at the time..because she came later and i didnt see her..but i was prayed for with passion..and again my reaction was minimal..and for a bit i wondered if i had missed something..but i had to stop that and just accept it for what it was..i did feel comforted in some way...i felt quieter in my head..confused a bit also but it was about a different religion question.. and then i got lots of hugs from elder and jessica and alisha and a couple other ppl who names i dont remember at all..i feel bad for not knowing anyones name..i really do..but i was calmer.. jessica told me that she was proud of me..which embarrassed me...elder also told me that me going up to the front was a big step for me..and again i felt a bit embarrassed..like why are they so interested in me..both tell me that they love me..and i think there really is a part of me that just completely soaks up there positive praise and words and all of it..and i may appear to be embarrassed and quiet and all sorts of things..but i am hearing them..i may not understand it all..and i may wonder why..but i do soak it up..because i dont get that praise from anywhere else..its just church and well work sometimes...but outside of that its just not there..oh and linda..cant forget her..and so then i left and came home..but i wanted to write about today..im still going over it in my head..trying to work things out..trying to figure things out..hoping that i am somehow moving in the right direction..i have to believe that im moving in the right direction and that the outcome will be that i will not be afraid anymore.and that i will feel better and feel happier and not want to die..i also cant help but notice that the day i do go to the front for prayer the pastor is not there..the fear of him is a very real and tangible thing..i am afraid of him and i know it is not fair..it isnt..but i dont know what to do about it..

but yes well that was the jist of my morning..it wore me out..im tired...like sleepy tired..not weary tired..im feeling a little bit sick to my stomach and have a headache ..which may be med related..i really dont know..im just not feeling so hot...

my goal though is to work on a bit of paperwork later on tonight so i can get it turned in tomorrow morning and be on about my day..i want to get it done so that i dont have to worry about it anymore... i just want to turn something in you know..if i have to make corrections then i can do that..but gosh getting them in on time has been really bad...and with so many new meds being introduced next week..im gonna need all the advantage i can get...so for now im just laying down and maybe ill read a bit as i wait for my upset stomach to settle down..and maybe sneak in a nap..and then ill get up and completely do paperwork..thats the plan

stuck in the past...

today has been a very hard day..and although i have been babysitting all day..im still feeling very sad and upset..i dont want to hurt myself i dont..but its as if this huge pit of sadness has opened up and im being sucked into it..and i dont know how to get out of it..if i could i just would shut off my head and everything in it..because im tired..i dont want to have to deal with myself today..i dont want to really deal with anything today..and im trying hard to stay patient with the little boy im watching..and we are having quiet time now..ive fed him for like the 6th time today..so yeah its quiet time...

the past stuff though is really pushing at me today..im afraid of being hurt..im afraid of mommy..im afraid of being hit and im afraid of being left alone..and i cant seem to figure out which is real and whats not..logically of course i know that i am here and mommy isnt and that im not at home and that im not being hurt..but i think that its happening..i feel thats its just all happening and my feelings of need being overwhelming..because its like suddenly i need my supervisor..i need the pastors wife..i need someone to tell me that i am ok and that im not going to be hurt..and that im safe now..my fears are just being made so much bigger..and im getting stuck with wanting what i cant have..and somehow i inadvertently sent a message to lady about staying with her..and promising to be good..and once i woke up..i apologized for it..and realized that i am just displacing my feelings horribly on her..and its like she has somehow moved into parent role..and i guess i may need to tell her that..cas i was messaging her earlier and telling her that i wanted her to be here..and that i was nervous when she wasnt here..and so im feeling really upset that she is out of town..and its like i have no right at all to feel that..she is an adult and has her own life and can go and do whatever it is that she needs to do anytime she pleases..but i find out about it and its like its a personal blow..and i feel hurt that she isnt here ..and i need her to be here..and she told me that she cant be the only support person and that i need to reach out to others and tallk to others..and i dont know how to tell her that i just want her and no one else..but then she mentioned that you know something could happen to her or she could just not be available ..and yeah that caused more freaking out..because then my thoughts became like omg you cant say that..dont say that..nothing is going to happen to you..i dont want anything to happen to you..and yes i know that im being irrational..i do..but still i cant seem to get a handle on them..and its just going back and forth.wondering about past stuff..confusing it with present stuff..wanting comfort and not able to get it..and just feeling so mixed up and confused today..and my headache is coming back..and im not sure what it is that i want to do..i just keep thinking that i dont want to hurt myself..i cant do that..but i just dont know what it is that i do want to do..or if i want to do anything..i am trapped in my head today..a lot trapped ..

if this is a med induced issue then i hope like heck that it passes quickly..if its not and im just crazy ..well thats something else..but yes..i figured there would be some issues with stopping the med..but goodness..did it have to happen so darn fast..ugh

"Change your thoughts and you change your world." ~ Norman Vincent Peale

 

 

“We have more possibilities available in each moment than we realize.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

a bit long winded

you know i think i may have used this picture before but it makes sense to me...a lot of sense...it is really really very hard work trying to repair years of hurt, pain, fear, brokeness, and not so great habits...i think its the wiating that is making me feel so out of sorts..like i want everything to change right now..i want things to be better right now..i dont want to wait..ive waited for a long long long time..but i guess thats not completely right either...its like im just waiting for things to magically change for me..and i keep being told that i have to make the choice..that i have to figure out what it is that i want..what is it that i want to work for..fight for..and again this is one of those things that keeps coming up and so im thinking that yeah this would be an important thing to think about and consider you know..and still i sit in the middle of so much indecision..and fear..afraid to move forward..sick with fear about moving backwards..and so i seem to just stay in the middle..and i keep looking to other people for the magically answer that will suddenly make things click..and make me see suddenly everything that i have been missing...you know that one time that i do want someone to tell me what to do..no one will darn it?!?! how is that fair?? and so i think about it all the time..wondering what i want..wondering what im doing..trying and giving up all in the same day...its a constant battle to move me my mind away from the negative stuff..and think about other things..if i dont stay completely vigilant then the negative stuff takes over and i end up feeling sad and depressed and lonely..etc .. but staying so vigilant is so tiring too..its so hard..and i do want to give up..i hate that i have to do all of this extra stuff just to feel normal..to be normal..medicine, therapy, talking, sharing, venting, pdocs..ugh..its like a never ending line of things that im supposed to be doing..and i do feel like i am lacking..and that would be a negative thought..instead i should say/think something like ok i am trying my hardest to gain control of myself and what is going on..thats more positive i think...

ive had a major headache for a couple days that i cant seem to get rid of..my head just hurts and im just feeling so tired and out of sorts because of it..i dont want to be bothered..i dont want to hear anyone talking to me and well yeah..all of that...

hmm well yesterday i didnt get to talk to lady at all..like sit down talk..i saw her for a little bit yesterday after bible study..but it wasnt the same..did get a hug from her..and from one other person..and so i think my attention/comfort needs are being kicked into high gear.but yeah no session with her or t this week..so i think my head is a bit full of things..and questions and wondering..but yesterday well before bible study when my head was getting away from me..i did call lady and talk to her a little bit about some of my thinking and stuff..and she encouraged me to go to bible study..she may have told me to go..but i dont remember..i think wanting to see her was the driving force with showing up..but anyway did go..although i do believe i was physically ill from the anxiety :( i hate that happening..its like i get so worked up..and afraid..and then i feel so sick and awful until im actually in the thing that had me so afraid in the first place..but well lady's daughter was waiting for me..hence lady had told her to look out for me..and gosh darn it she was definitely looking out for me..cas she snagged me as soon as i like walked in..and we hung out for a bit waiting for her mom to come but she didnt cas she was still in some meeting ..and of course my head is going crazy and im feeling jealous about her being somewhere without me..but her daughter was ok i guess..she tried to talk to me and i asnwered her sometimes ..but my anxiety about just waiting and being in church was making me feel all over the place and i think i was just having trouble focusing..and she vetoed my idea of sitting in the back of the church..i told her i wanted to sit in the back..i told lady i wanted to sit in the back..i explained that the front made me feel anxious and like everyone was looking at me..and etc..and of course they both said no..they said that the more i sat in the front then the more i would get used to it...i really wasnt to fond of that little plan..but sit in the front i did..well i was in the 3rd row on the side..and was really freaked and uncomfortable..partially due to being in the front..and partially due to what the topic was...heh the topic was self talk and how it affects you, how it happens..etc and so forth .. and so yep i was like you have got to be kidding me..and well the conversation that went on was helpful i guess..i think..it had funny moments and it made sense you know..about how negative stuff kinda just happens and how hard it is to work towards being positive and how the negative could cause other problems like health problems and mental problems and stuff..so again it was one of those things that i prolly needed to hear big time..but my nervousness did cause me to kinda zone out at times when it felt like i was just like wearing a huge flashing sign that said look at me..i have issues..ugh..but sat through it with lady's daughter..and after it was over..i was just sitting there and she asked how i thought it was and everything..which led to a completely different conversation about how i was feeling and how i was thinking and so on and so forth..and her daughter shared some of her story with me..and told me that she could relate to some things i was dealing with like the negative thoughts and negative self talk and fear and anxiety..and i listened to her..i tried to listen to her..she again gave me the speech about making the choice to feel better, to fight for myself..and we had a conversation about how suicide is a ticket to hell..and i dont want to go to hell..i dont want to keep hurting..i just want to be happy..but i think the question that keeps coming up is just how hard am i willing to work to get it..how hard am i will to fight for it..how much am i willing to change and grow and get what it is that is waiting for me..whatever that may be..and she talked to me and told me a lot of different things..which makes me really wish i could remember things better..but yes i stayed with her and all of that..and soon after that left to go home..but one of the things that was mentioned last night in bible study was that the more a person tries to hide..the more visible they are..which irks me so much lol! i try to hide..i do hide..but yeah..major uncomfortableness at a lot of different points during the service...and then at the end when i was just sitting with ladys daughter and talking about my fears of being watched and stuff..and her daughter so nicely pointed out that i was not being watched and that no one was paying any attention to me..but that i was staring down everyone else..which i immediately realized i was doing..i was just sitting and watching everyone talking and stuff..and i didnt mean to stare..i just needed to see where everyone was..what everyone was doing..ugh im so very weird.. but yeah that was yesterday..

completely came home and took a little to much of the sleep meds...i was completely out of it this morning trying to wake up..wont be doing that again..it wasnt a suicide attempt or anything..i just wanted to sleep and not wake up a million times during the night..but yeah..well i slept..thats for sure..

and then this morning ..hmm well this morning i had an appointment to see a new pdoc...and i made it to the appointment just in time..but with the first meeting she asked all the background questions and what not..and she was ok to talk with ..it was hard as it always is have to talk about my background and my issues and what im doing and working on and all of that..i dont like doing that...and so we talked about my medicine and how i had been feeling and everything...and well there has been another change to my meds..the doc pointed out that the wellbutrion could be making me feel more anxious..and the thing is i have been more anxious lately you know..but i wasnt thinking it was a med issue..so the new plan is to stop the wellbutrion and adding in clonazepan...to help with the anxiety ..with the hope that once im feeling less anxious about everything then i will be more able to talk and work on other things and get the full effect of the other meds..but also stopping the trazadone because of the sleep effects of the clonezapan ..so yeah will see how it goes...because the other option would be to try zoloft..so yeah..hoping it will help..i dont like the med changes..i dont ..but i just feel like i will make more progess if i can get my mood stabilized..just let me get settled in that way and i think with less worrying and anxiety i would be able to think and process things and not feel so afraid of like everything..but the really unnerving thing was that i saw the pdoc today..talked to her for over an hour..and im positive i looked at her a couple times maybe..but because of what we were talking about my eye contact was exceptionally bad..but we set up an appointment before i left and then i went and checked my schedule and had to go back in to reschedule. and well the dude went and got the pdoc for me..and i swear that when she came up to the front i didnt recognize her at all..i didnt know who she was..and wouldnt have answered her if she hadnt asked me about the appointment time..i was freaked and forgot what i  had even come in to tell her you know..i mean i truly did not know her..it was like she was this entirely new person was standing in front of me..but i swear i had just talked to her..for a freakin hour i talked to her..and then i couldnt even recognize her?!!?!  it was very unsettling..very :( but anyhoo i have the script for the new meds..but cant get them filled until next week after getting paid..and yeah..also was able to find out that i can get my effexor through them again at no cost..but it will take a little while for them to come in..so yeah that will be really helpful..due to how expensive that darn medicine is...but yeah am hoping that it will even me out and all of that..

and so yeah..thats been the past couple days i think..the weather has been pretty irky..rainy and wet and chilly..the chilly part i am fine with lol..the rain i could do without...and im helping someone out this weekend and babysitting for friday and saturday..i dont mind..i really dont.cas im going to really assume that the kid can keep himself entertained lol..i mean yes he talks a lot but i dont mind that at all..so it will be an interesting day and a half at least..im hoping to find something free to take him to do on saturday..and it will get me out of the house ..so will try to find something..i wish i did have money so that we could go out and do something fun and spend money lol..but nope..no money at all..so yeah it will be no like eating out or anything ..so just a quiet day im hoping for..well as quiet as a day can be with a small kid..

but yeah im trying to take it easy this evening..my head is still bothering me a lot..im not really tired per say..but im just trying not to do anything to aggravate my head anymore..

hmm made chicken quesadilla  for dinner..turned out quite good :)

ok i guess thats all of my rambling for today...

just another day...

i dont know how to even describe today..i think a lot of the day was spent in shut down mode..just doing enough to manage i think..just enough to get by..i struggled against just giving up and going home..calling it quits on everything for today and just coming home..all i wanted to do was sleep..and hide..

i did work this morning..and into the afternoon..and then i ended up going to the office to work on paperwork..although it was at that moment that i was really struggling with the need to hide and just give up on everything..i got a message letting me know that i wont be able to talk to lady tomorrow..:( and it was like my whole world just kinda dropped..i know that maybe im over reacting..and maybe im looking into all of this to much..i dont know..but i just had a hard time dealing you know..i was upset and hurt and sad and my head was not in a good place at all..and so yeah i was struggling ..but instead of going home i did go to the office..i figured it was safer there..i wouldnt be alone there..and although i was majorly distracted and struggling i did get a portion of my work done at least.which was something..and when i reached a point of not being able to handle anyhting else i just stopped and turned in what i had...and i came home and just crashed..i wanted to sleep but instead i read for a couple hours and then my head kinda rejoined the real world..im a bit more alert but still really tired..i think not sleeping so well is affecting me..and im going to take my meds soon and just get a full nights sleep..

i mean yeah im still really sad and out of sorts and feeling like there is so much pressure in my head..i am feeling a lot like i have no one to talk to..im freaked out a bit..ok a lot..but im no longer in danger of hurting myself..those thoughts have passed and i have passed into numb shut down phase..but i am not thinking of anything dangerous...im just tired you know..worn out and tired and not wanting to deal with anyone at all for a while...

so yeah..the plan for tonight is food, a little bit of work..meds and then sleep..hopefully a full night of sleep ..

Just as we cannot see that a seed has taken root until it breaks through the surface, so we cannot always see our own growth happening until it does the same. ~ by Sandra Kring