just not ok

I guess I need to write..maybe im just confused about everything lately and have no real idea about what happened last week…the problem is that I do remember what happened … kind of…its like it happened to someone else..someone who isn’t me…im fine..i feel fine..im not suicidal..im not wanting to cut..my mood is fairly stable the past like 2 or 3 days or something…but I know that for 2 days I was suicidal..i was very suicidal, and unsafe with myself..i was unstable..out of control..however you want to describe I was completely out of my mind…I mean I got to the point of feeling like I was going to either have to call linda or take myself to the hospital because I wasn’t sure what I was going to do..given I wouldn’t have gone to the hospital without a lot of other stuff happening..but I know I would not have voluntarily walk into the hospital and just say ‘hey I want to kill myself..so help me’..i cant see that happening ..and yes I was suicidal but I guess this time I cant say that something wouldn’t have happened because I don’t know..i wanted blades but didn’t let myself buy them…but even without them im sure I thought of other ways to die..i really don’t know what was going on..i just felt so alone..so out of it…so completely on edge and invisible…and I know now that feeling invisible is a huge trigger for me..and I know that I need to have a set plan or something in place if that happens again..a plan to keep safe of course…because I cant ..because I forget what to do to stay safe when im like that..i forget everything that makes sense pretty much when I am like that..and its not good..but then when im feeling fine again..its like those bad days didn’t happen..and that there is no point in making any list or making plans for the next time..i don’t want there to be a next time … but then ill just forget about it anyway…the last time something like this happened was before I moved to heathers..last summer and all of that..when I was really going downhill fast..except it lasted longer I think than a couple days…but that was the other time when things were really bad and when I got out of it I forgot about it..i wasn’t able to connect to the feelings..i couldn’t connect to the thoughts..or emotions..heck I couldn’t even believe I could feel that badly…that hopeless..that ready to die…but I can..and it happens every so often…I guess it would be helpful if I could keep track of the times when I am emotionally unable to handle anything else..i know there have been other times but I don’t remember them…I know of the one that just happened and the one from the summer..but even those just feel like stories that I have been told about someone…its something that I haven’t actually experienced when I have…it was me..i know because I glanced back over what I wrote..because I saw it, and read it..and its in my blog so I know it came from me…but at the same time it just feels so alien..i don’t know..maybe I was expecting this to happen you know..i was afraid of being alone..and well I freaked..i flipped completely out and I felt alone..i was alone..and I couldn’t handle it…and it happened and now it feels like it was a million years ago and im fine now and able to manage again..yeah I worked a little harder to get out of the house because I knew I was isolating and making it worse..the feeling were so overwhelming and consuming..and its so hard to explain how I let myself get like that..and I don’t know how it stopped..i just woke up and it was over..i felt better…calmer..more in control..and I don’t know what changed or what really caused the change..i don’t and its so confusing and I hate feeling confused..i cant figure myself out anymore..and I just try to get through the day without freaking out..and I try to stay positive when I really just want to go somewhere and die or go and run away and hide..and just ignore everything..im supposed to be working on staying present and I don’t want to..i don’t want to be present when all I want to do is die..or cut..or something else that just hurts…or maybe I do want the pain because that I know is real …I watched a video a couple weeks ago I guess and there was a very graphic scene involving cutting it..and it was a trigger..a big trigger..i was afraid I would give in to the urge..i wanted to give in to the urge..i wanted to just cut and be done with it..last week I wanted to cut and well die I guess..how is it possible to even what to die one day..and to not care another..i don’t think I want to die though..i just want a break..from life..the whole idea is rather funny because I consider my life to be very boring and dull and yet I want a break from it…sometimes I cant deal with my life..i cant deal with my thoughts..my feelings..my emotions…sometimes the hate I feel towards myself is so very overpowering…sometimes I don’t know how to keep myself alive when its like my  whole goal is to manage to kill myself…I am afraid for myself..im afraid of myself…and then I get caught up in proving I am in control of myself..that I don’t need help from anyone..that I am fine..and I think that if I can convince everyone else im fine then no one will be able to stop me from killing myself…how is that for messed up..and I really don’t think ive thought about that particular thing in a long time…its like I have to protect everyone else from really finding out what I am doing or planning…and I guess my plan changes every so often but the outcome is still the same..in the end I have managed to die..either on purpose or by accident.. why am even writing all of this down…I don’t know what I want..or who I am..what I am..whatever…I got so good at pretending that im afraid ill never be able to stop..im afraid ill never be able to know who I am…but then I don’t like myself and I guess I wonder what the point is..i wonder what im supposed to be doing … I wonder if ill ever get around to actually helping myself..its stupid I guess..that I cant help myself..but I want to help everyone else.. I need to help everyone else because that’s all I have to measure my self worth…but I still feel like I am dying…much slower than before since im no longer cutting..but I am still dying..its feels like im just managing until I figure out how ..to do whatever it is that I am wanting to do…is it bad of me..to think of dying so much? To want to die so much?  Maybe some of the weight of all of this would be taken off if you would just talk about it you know..instead of pretending that things are ok and fine…how is it so easy to forget that all the years of being quiet has gotten you nothing…but again talking about all of this just makes me feel like doing something stupid or over medicating so I don’t have to deal with myself…I cant talk about it..i cant even force myself to talk about it..i cant say what happened..i wish that it was possible for linda to just read what was in my head without me having to say anything…but again that may not be safe..my heads not even safe for me..im not sure I would voluntarily invite someone else into my head…my head is crowded enough as it is…but well I guess its time to stop writing this…I have to work on work stuff..fun…hmm yeah guess that’s all I have to say for now..

return of sanity...

i guess i can stay that...say that i am sane again...say that i am back outside of my head and able to feel like i can function like a normal person....i hope like heck that what went on yesterday is over and done with but im not sure..i can still feel the same thoughts and feelings in my head and just waiting to take over..to push me over the edge..and i promise next time that i will call and ask them to get in touch with linda...i managed last night although it took everything i had and then some..and even at the end of it i wasnt sure what i was going to do or what i wanted to do..i really didint...i think it helped this morning knowing that i had a goal in mind..a plan..an appointment that i had to go to...having something external to focus on helped..and it was something that was not related to work and so that made it easier to focus and not try to talk myself out of it....my plan for the weekend is to get out of the house..on saturday im going to the movies and then the library for internet purposes..and sunday ill have to figure out someplace to go..but sunday is also supposed to be rainy and snowy so it may turn into just being in the house but i have books and can work on collages and stuff at home...plus i need to clean and do laundry and paperwork and stuff...so lots to do..but just gotta keep up the motivation to actually do stuff...writing helped some yesterday..and then i went home and watched a movie until i felt tired and laid down...it was hard for me to fall asleep though because i had taken a nap yesterday afternoon...but i slept...weird dreams again and woke up feeling a bit sick and nervous..but am feeling better now..and i am out of house and everything....
so im going to just spend a bit more time in the library working on some work stuff that is due today so i can get it emailed in..and then ill prolly just go home and take it easy...give myself a break you know..or at least trying to give myself a break..

what is happening to me?

it has been a while since ive felt this suicidal..this bad...this close to cutting just to give myself a break....im wearing myself out trying to stay stable and sane..and well to put it nicely it is not working at all...i feel invisible and that is a big big trigger for me...because i start to wonder what i need to do inorder to prove that i am still alive..that i am still functioning and making it through the day..and that i am still here..i wonder what the point of all of this is and why im even bothering..i feel empty..im a nobody a waste of space...and the thought of just dying and being done with it all is very appealing to me right now...i want to cut and i keep thinking about the knives at home..i dont have any blades anymore and im not allowing myself to go to the store because i know i will get some and then use them...i wonder if i need to call linda and i wont allow myself even that..because somewhere in my head im being yelled at and told to suffer..isnt it nice..when even your own head is against you...i feel sad and lost and alone...loneliness has been really bad ..is really bad right now...and i dont know what to do to make it go away..i dont know how to make it better for myself right now..i really dont...how much longer to the bottom of what ever it is i am having to deal with because i just want to get there and be done with it...right if i get to the bottom then all thats left is going back up..well darn it i just want to level out..i would be very happy to just reach a neutral zone...and figure out what in the world is going on...the problem is i dont know why im feeling so badly..maybe i dont want to know why..maybe im just so screwed up that its logical that i would fall apart now..i mean all the long months of holding it together and getting by ..and its like well ive reached the end and now its time to fall apart...im not allowed to fall apart living with someone else..im not allowed to fall apart at work..or at home or anywhere really...i guess..and then i end up in my apartment and alone for the first time in months..and its like ok grace period is over..let the real stuff go on and happen now...and its like all that is been trapped and all that i refused to let out or acknowledge or deal with is all coming out now..and it is overwhelming..and scary..because i dont trust myself to stay safe...i dont trust myself at all and i worry about what i will do...i worry about forgetting or not remembering something ive done and it turns into a bad bad situation...i have to check and recheck my meds in the morning to remind myself that i am taking them..because i forget..and dont remember what im doing anymore..i remind myself to go to work and then forget and am late more often than not..well that and most of the time lately i dont want to go to work anyway..i want to hide or run away..or forget that im alive and just sleep ..i want to just sleeo forever and never have to talk to anyone or deal with anything...i want to forget i exist the way it feels like everyone else has done....i feel invisible..and completely alone...and that is never a good thing for me...its just not because it leads to things that i dont want to do but feel i have to...i have to remind myself that im alive and that involves constant pain or making myself suffer..or just doing stupid things....and then..i just end up more messed up than before... sometimes it just feels like there is no hope left for me ..and i should just give up now and save myself the trouble of giving up later on...

insecure....

i think that is my problem lately...im feeling really insecure with all of the changes going on..and i guess im not being validated enough to make it all seem worth it...like im just waiting for something to happen to mess it all up..im waiting for 'me' to just mess it all up and i dont know what to do...logically i know things are ok and that things are fairly good right now..even with all of the struggles going on...but at the same time its like ok things cant be good for to long without something happening..i wonder if i am going to screw up things..somehow cause things to mess up..and so i just i dont know go through the day and just keep hoping for something to happen but i dont know what im waiting for..i dont know what i want to happen or what i need to happen..i dont know how to validate myself or my feelings or anything..and maybe that is what i saw t for..thats what t did for me..made me feel normal..and stable at least for a little while...i know im supposed to be feeling all positive and everything but i dont know..lately the depression is getting the best of me..and im not sure what to do about it..i have a stable job that allows me plently of free time..i have a paycheck give or take lol...you know i have bounce and a place to live and a car that works and still the depression is weighing heavily on me...im finally back on my correct meds and now its like they arent working :( and i dont want that to happen...i just want to be happy and stable..and nothing seems to give that to me..not meds..or therapy..or working..nothing...and i just am at a loss i guess for what to do to make it better...maybe i need to give the meds more time cas really its only been a little while that they have been right....but still the depression is big and overwhelming right now...to the point of not wanting to get out of bed..and not wanting to go to work..and i really dont want to have to deal with a med change .... most of the time i feel better..i do...but i guess i dont feel ok enough of the time to make it noticeable..and that is tiring...because most of my free time i am spending alone at home, or sleeping at home..if im not at work then im alone now without my sister around..and i know its not good to be alone so much..but i cant help it...i feel like i need to contain myself..to somehow stay in control of myself and my emotions and if i am at home alone and feeling crazy then no one is looking at me or laughing at me or anything...but i am really cut off with being at home and not having internet..because most of my interactions is online and stuff...and so its like im setting myself up to just fail at everything right now...some days i have to force myself to come out and use the computer at the library or take my computer with me to work or something..i just dont want to do anything at all...

today my client asked me if i ever get mad...he told me that he couldnt see me mad..and that i was also so humble...and part of me was thrilled that my 'control' is still so very much in place..and that nothing can cause it to sllip...and at the same time he mentioned that he was baseing it on what he saw when i was with him.and that he did not know how i was the rest of the time..and well i told him i got mad ..and i left it at that..but i guess it is still really important for me to appear in control and normal and sane..when really my head is just at war with itsself and its just tiring trying to stay present and get through the day. i told linda on tuesday that i really didnt know how i managed to do my job when i felt so crazy and unstable most of the time...i dont understand how i do it..i dont understand how i can give so much..and be expected to give so much when i feel like i am just out of anything to give..i have just been sucked dry and i dont have anything to give anyone ..but i would give to someone else before i even considered giving to myself or doing self care or something like that..maybe thats why im feeling so at odds with myself lately..

found this qoute in a book...

"He wondered which was worse...a child whose spirit could not outlive a broken body; or, like himself, a man whose apparent health hid a soul that had died years before."

i guess i just wonder sometimes what i am really fighting for..what i am alive for...and why all my plans from before never managed to become anything..i dont want to die you know..but sometimes i guess i just find the idea appealing...and i just want a break from life...to just get away...to leave for a while...

no i dont know whats going on at all...

my own worst enemy....

thats what i am today...i am at war with myself..with my thoughts..feelings..emotions..all of it...i cant deal with how i am today and that is casue for concern i guess...and i just cant figure out why...its pretty bad today..and i have a major headache and am feel very just 'no touch/no talk' mode..and i dont know how to get out of this mood...right now im just hanging out at my work office using the internet and seeing if that will help..but i dont think ill stay to long today..because i just want to go and hide out at home or just isolate big time...i dont know..

life goes on i guess...not feeling to positive about things today

disappointed right now

kinda disappointed in things right now and how they are working out for my 10 yr old client...his foster family didnt work out and he is being packed up and taken to the agency as we speak...im sad and worried for him and just frustrated that it has taken this long to come to this...since i started the mom hasnt wanted him..and the dad pushed for it..and this kid has been left in limbo for months..just kinda knowing something is going on and not being able to do anything about it..and then the family places his ability to stay on his behavior..how can you tell a 10 year old that he can stay if he is good enough?  how can you tell anyone that ?? and so yes i fully believe this kid gave up...this kid has been in what 7 foster families?  and they are expecting what? a miracle?  and so im told i HAVE to go to this meeting this afternoon..regardless of my plans of course...im told i have to speak for this child that no one wants...and help them figure out a placement for him..or tell them something they dont know about the kid..and how he is..and im just frustrated...ive been told i need to know where i stand on the issue..do i want him to stay in the placement..or do i not...do i stay in the middle and let the 'adults' fix this...and no i firmly believe that the placement should have ended before christmas..the kid has been told again and again that he was not wanted..and he got left in the house without the correct support for his issues...so no i dont want him placed back there...and i dont know what they are going to do to find him emergency placement..or even if ill be seeing him again after today..because of where he may be placed..and it is frustrating...and disheartening..just not knowing what is going to happen...it really is...

depression seems to be winning out the past few days.....big time...i just want to sleep..and really all im trying to do is make it to next week so that i can just get my meds filled...thats pretty much all

upset...

You know I really really pissed off right now and im trying to let it go and move on but I keep thinking about it and it makes me mad…I really wonder if I am just expected to be happy all the time…am I not allowed to be sad or upset or have a bad day with out it being questioned or commented on in a way that makes me wish I hadn’t said anything…and yet im considered paranoid when I say that stuff has a way of getting back to mommy..freaking a ..someone tells mommy that because of stuff I have posted on facebook that they can tell I haven’t been happy..or there was a time I wasn’t happy…really??  Why is it her busy?? Why does it feel like im being told on? Why is it not ok for me to have a bad day or something without mommy having to end up questioning it…its not her business..its no ones business to go back and talk about what ive written or posted or whatever..i feel like im always going to have to ce nsor what I say because someone it will be used against me in some way..god a lot of stuff has happened in the past two months..i would say that being sad or not happy was perfectly acceptable..job issues..pet issues..money issues..no I haven’t been happy darn it…there is a lot going on and im sorry that im not able to always present as being happy..to freaking bad..

There's a little truth to every "just kidding" - a little knowledge behind every "I don't know" - and a little hurt behind every "I don't care".

 

"Tomorrow, you promise yourself, will be different, yet tomorrow is too often a repetition of today."

     -- James T. McKay

 

well...

well im not online at my apartment so for the next week or so ill be scarce...ugh..hate not having internet..cas it leaves me feeling so isolated..but my sister is here for the next couple weeks and that will keep me busy..

things are going alright with the apartment...lots in place..but still have things to put away you know...but its coming together..it really is :)

meds are stilla bit messy and i know that its affecting my mood big time..so yeah..really wanting next week to get here...really need my meds!

where has this week gone??

i really cant believe that today is friday...i dont know where the week has gone..im not ready for it to be friday or maybe im just not ready for mommy to be here for like a day and a half...ugh..trying to be calm and in control but still the anxiety and fear is creeping it..and i keep going over and over in my mind everything that she will be yelling at my about...things with my car..things about the apartment..things about me..just endless lists of what is wrong with me and my choices i guess..and its just adding to the stress of everything ..i just want to get through this weekend as quickly as possible..

things are just a mess in the apartment and i feel utterly useless with trying to get things unpacked and put away..i get so overwhelemed and barely manage an acutal hour before i have to stop and lay down or something..and things are just pulled out all over the place..and i am just overwhelmed with all of it..not being able to find stuff and not having places to put stuff. and just all of it...i am not sure of what im doing and i dont feel like im doing all that much..and im not...maybe things will get put away with mommy here..ugh..

im just tired and my meds are going to be right for a couple weeks..and so i have to deal with that...and because of not working much this week..ill be getting in massive hours next week to make up for missing so many this week..but next week things will be calmer at least but yeah..not at lot of hours this week at all..so next week ill be playing catch up big time...

hmmm guess thats all ...lots on my mind and just a lot of stressing and trying to figure out what to do about things...going to have to make some decisions about therapy and medicine due to price...i have a financial screening thing at the free clinic next week..and hopefully if i get in there that would help out a lot..and if not then ill just ask about prescription help...i also printed off info about a couple medication assistance programs that i need to look at again and take to my pdoc...and see if i can get her to fill it out for me..

and then preferrably with my next paycheck ill be able to start really paying on my bill at my therapist and pdocs office..its really high ... and logically ..i know that i have to go to every other week until i can get insurance back and everything...but i hate that idea...i really do...but really i have no choice..its either keep running up the bill ..or go every other week and be able to slowly pay off the bill..ugh..

oh i wasnt approved for insurance...that was a hard hit to take...and the insurance they are advising me to look at would be almost 800 a month and thats not even remotely possible..and i wouldnt do it anyway! thats ridiculous big time...and so yeah eventually ill have to look for another job..but right now im making money..and getting hours and its  stable job...im not interested in looking for another job..and it just means ill be without insurance for a while..and ill deal with that..oh well...guess to many things working out at the same time is to much to ask for! 

i did it

i have an apartment..!!! i am moving stuff in..im staying here...its still overwhelming and different and small..but its mine..its going to take forever getting everything moved in and what not..since i dont have as much help as i thought i would have..but its ok...it will get done..one step at a time right..

...sigh...

i can not put my fears into words.  i am afraid.  it hurts to breath and i panic.  i cant explain to anyone how bone deep the fear is..how mind numbing and consuming it is.  it overwhelms me and leaves me stuck..confused..lost..and still very very afraid...you know how every has there one thing that messes them up?  well moving is mine..i am in panic mode. i am struggling a lot right now.  i want to cut but instead of cutting i turn to food..i stuff down the feelings..i control the food..in this mess of my life that is feeling so very out of control..so very off balance..and it is as if i am just floating out in the open alone..because it is hard to find someone to understand why i fear something that is supposed to be a good thing..how can i ask for support or for someone to understand my fears right now..i should be happy and im not..i should be excited and instead im frozen in fear..i move tomorrow..i sign the lease and get my keys tomorrow and im dreading it..im  dreading being in my own place..locking the door and just listening to myself think..im scared of being alone and forgotten..and instead of falling apart like i want to do i stuff the feelings away...i pretend im fine and happy...i pretend im in control when i just feel so off balance and afraid..and i just deal with it..

not sleeping much last night is catching up with me big time..and so i made myself take a trazodone..and im forcing myself to go to sleep..and ill wake up early and finish packing and organizing..because im afraid that after tomorrow i will be in my apartment..i will be staying there ..instead of driving back and forth..no bounce..no company...gosh i hope ill be able to get online at the new place..

but even with all the fear i try to force myself to think of the positives of moving..no more hour long drives at night to get home..no more being accountable for other ppls stuff..no more sharing and being socialable if i dont want to be..the pros are not all that great you know..i mean deep down i know that i am tired of living with someone and not having my own place..i know that..and understand that..because its like here i am expect to prove that i am responsible and not a child...i sometimes get the feeling that i am seen as a child still..when im an adult (ha t would be proud of that one)..and i guess im just tired of living up to others expectations..im tired of being expected to do all this stuff..to be a certain way..and given at heathers the expectations were there ..but at the high perfect or nothing extreme..but still my faults with money and planning are pointed out a bit..and i am jealous of not being able to be as put together and they are :( yes i know it is time to be on my own again..to prove i can be on my own and live and be an adult and pay bills and all of that..its time to move on again..and if forcing myself to go through with it is how its going to be then so be it..

also realizing that i need my freaking medicine...and my medicine without insurance is going to run almost $400 .. im still waiting to hear about insurance..and in the process i have an appointment next week to do the finiancial screening thing at the free clinic..and see if i can get some help with my prescriptions..not having the lexapro is messing with me and i can feel the depression settling in big time...im not happy or calm or even as present anymore..the celexa doesnt do it..and if i have to spend the 240 for the lexapro alone then so be it...i need it...i really do..and not having it is just messing with me..so by the end of the week i will know if i can pay for it out of pocket..and it not then ill have to wait until the middle of the month...but gosh i really hope ill have the money to get the meds after bills i have to pay tomorrow..crap furniture can wait the way im feeling right now..

all the furniture and stuff is just a headache..i keep finding stuff i like and then someone else buys it before me..or someone tells me they will hold it for me and then they end up selling it anyway...im frustrated all around with that..and trying to make it all work and i just want to give up...maybe a break for a few days will help clear my head and stuff...maybe just getting stuff into the apartment and not stressing about actually moving will be good..i dont know..

im feeling really gross and everything from the constant binging lately :( its been pretty bad..the food issues going on..but i just dont have the energy to deal with all of that right now..i dont ...

anxiety, fear, cutting...urges..

today it all fell into place in a way..the anxiety..the fear.. the uncertainties...i want the release..i want the calm emptiness that comes from cutting...i want the calmness...the anxiety is winning..im anxious and scared and just i dont know..all day ive walked around..wondering what im doing..not able to focus ..not able to think fully...im functioning but i dont know at what level...the fears are setting in..mommy coming is causing a lot of feelings..a lot of fear and i dont know how to calm my thoughts down..i just want to do things that hurt..things that i know will work..i want to just stop my head for a while..thats all...i dont know what to do with myself...i want to sleep and cant..i changed the tv to something a little more light hearten..im writing..what else is expected of me?!? when is it ok to give in to the urges..and i am screaming bloody hells at myself for actually throwing away my last blades the other day...why did i do that?  what possessed me to do that..i want them..i need them....i dont know what i need...the fact that im not seeing t this week is suddenly loud and present in my head..i know im not seeing her..i know i cant call her..but i feel like im breaking apart..i cant deal with all of this again..i cant do it..i dont want to do it and i dont know how to make it better..i just want things to calm down..i want a break from thinking..from doing..i just want a release and i dont know how to get it..and so i just stay stuck and anxious and on edge...thats all

just disappointed i think..

im feeling really very dejected right now...worried and just feeling really stressed...also struggling with really bad cramps and i just want to go home and go back to laying down for a while..but cant do that..im out until later on..so i guess i just need to suck it up and deal with it..actually slept all night last night...so thats good..still tired but its not nearly as bad as it has been..
got bounce to the vet this morning and got my windshield wipers replaced..

and as im doing all of this and realizing that well the money i have is only going to stretch so far and so i am a bit upset about not being able to have everything set up and in place and all of that right from the start...i dont have the money..and im upset about it...a couple unexpected things came up..and so i ended up with less money than i was planning on..and it is frustrating..i mean ill have the money for the deposit and rent ..but not much for anything else..and that is bothering me a lot..because i had it all planned you know..and things just dont work out like that..and im frustrated and upset...looking all over the place for living room furniture..but ha ve given up on bedroom furniture for now..i have enough to get by until i can find something that i really like..and i have a bed..so i cant complain you know..i just really wanted to have everything all set up..while i still had help with moving and things...but its going going to work out like i have planned so i am having to go back and regroup and replan and figure out what i can and cant do...and i keep reminding myself of my sister coming up and staying for a week and then traveling..and since im not going to have much money i want to tell her not to come..but i do want her to  come ugh...plus i have to get food and other stuff for the apartment..and im trying to budget and everything and its all just feeling very messy right now...im going to look around in thrift stores and stuff this weekend and see if i can find some good stuff..and maybe ill luck out..i dont know..im waiting on responses to emails that ive sent ppl but of the 3 emails i think im only going to consider one based on price..and the others ill have to say no to due to being so expensive...its like i had it all worked up so much that now that things are kinda having to be replanned its a hard blow..and i just want to give up and say screw it to everything..but i have to remind myself that this is a good thing.moving and that it doesnt matter if i have everything at first...its ok..gotta start somewhere you know...and well i will just save and get other stuff as i can..just :( still disappointing a lot...

did reschedule my gyno appointment for later in march because i cant afford it right now...so that ggives me a little more time on that..and im trying to figure out how i can stretch my other bills you know..i think all i have left to pay right now is just my phone..and then ill be done with feb stuff for the most part..and will just be looking at stuff for march...but with that comes you know a lot of stuff..and additional bills..and i am catching up..but its still going to take time..and i just need to remember that..and that i will slowly get caught up and i just cant give up..so i will just work on one thing at a time..and of course the most important thing is getting the rent and stuff paid...and the rest i can work around..

no t  next week...which is cause for some concern...but will manage all right i guess..and money wise i know i cant complain...and well i guess ill have to talk to my sister about money and stuff..and get all that squared away..i mean no we werent going to do like major expensive things while she was here..but just the traveling to get her back home..and making sure i have money for that..and a little spending money for food..cas will have to get groceries and stuff for the new place...possible cleaning stuff...and then all the stuff like paper towels and garbage bags and things...and i need a book case..i have books all over the place and i need somewhere for them to go..so that is a must..but most likely no circus...so maybe another time..a movie would be cheaper anyway..

guess im just kinda unsure of things and how they will be working out right now...

not ...a ...good...day

today just has not been a good day at all really just wanna go to bed ... and just not deal with anything else today...


car died while working
living set was sold.ugh .. dam me for feeling guilty about possibly getting another set
not feeling good
feeling super stressed and anxious
tired
very tired
just feeling very out of sorts today..
just want to give up on today..
actually think i have given up on today

shock..

am i  really moving?  am i really getting things set up? packing, organizing, planning...wow...it seems all so surreal...so distant and yet it is right around the corner...im having trouble concentrating...there feels like there is so much to do..so much to get done..and i get caught up in figuring out what i have to do and what i have already done...im scared...very scared of the change..and im caught somewhere between happiness and terror..im afraid to be alone..but i crave the silence...the stillness of being alone...im worried about things working out and planning on things not working out..and feeling afraid of things...im fidgety today..big time...im counting down the days..and i really want to cry because it all seems so close..and im scared of it all just blwoing away from me before i can grasp it..becuase this is freedom in a way that i have not had it before...this is me living alone when i know i can afford it..when i know that i will be able to make it work..this is me changing from almost the year ago when things completely fell apart..and seemed like death was the only way ouy because i had screwed up so very much...and still it took months and a lot of failures and mistakes..and chances..and changes to get where i am right now..today..at this moment...a lot of rejection..a lot of thinking and processing and fear...and lot of doubt and second guessing ..and a heck of a lot of tears...and im at this place..where i am about to move out on my own again..where i am planning and looking towards the future..and actually able to see just a bit of hope..and a bit of freedom..a place to call my own..completely and utterly..a place where i will be safe and alone and able to express myself anyway i want too...and at the same time i am very afraid of that freedom..im afraid that i will mess it up some how that i will struggle and just screw it all up somehow..but im trying not to think of that...im trying to keep facing forward and moving forward...but right now im just afraid to take another step...im stuck in that space where i have become to comfortable..and im afraid to step into the unknown and move away from what i know..but isnt this what i wanted?  isnt this the freedom i have wanted since i was old enough to think of running away...all i want is a place to call my own..a place to feel safe..and free ..a place to be myself without fear from anyone...and i am standing at the door..right now...im standing in at door and all i have to do is open it..and step through. .and gain all that i want...and fear stops me...fear blocks me...the unknown keeps me chained in this spot..and i am unable to move..or decide..or just go with it..knowing that it will happen either way does not help..i know that come march 1st i will hasve the keys to my new apartment...i will be moving items in..i will be moving furniture in..i will be gradually moving to being on my own...and yet..still i am chained in this spot..and i am unsure of which way to go...

physical, mental, emotional..for the love of all thiings ..its just a difference

for the love of god you do not catch HIV by eating behind someone, or drinking behind someone..or touching a person who has HIV...HIV is not AIDS..there is a difference..and yes people live there lives every day ..normal lives with HIV...

im disappointed in the ignorance of the world today..i really am..it makes me upset to hear someone tell me that his family condemns him due to his diagnosis..it bothers me that still now people are afraid of the things they do not understand..and it frustrates me that people can not see past a diagnosis...it doesnt matter what the dx is..

i have mental issues..that if ppl know would treat me differently..would see me differently..and so i keep that stuff to myself..because i can appear normal..

i happen to know someone with hiv and i treat him no differently than i treat anyone else i know..yes there are precautions because of the possiblitly of an accident or something..but just general everyday interactions are no different..i see him no different..i dont shun him or make fun of him or ignore him..and i would never never hurt him the way others hurt him by treating him different due to a diagonis..

i dont understand the world today..i dont understand that there is still so much ignorance..and closed minded judgements...im just disappointed in everything today..

moving on the brain...

well against all the odds...and well there were quite a few odds!! we are moving next month...the first weekend of next month actually..and so i am overwhelmed with moving and packing and furniture..and well throw in mommy and her major concerns with me moving and wanting to control it and well yeah ..my head is on overload!!!  i have to still finish paying all the fees...plus get the power switched over..and the cable and internet turned on...and then on the 1st im will be able to get the keys..sign the lease..and it will be done...and im moving..i almost didnt think it would happen...i was afraid of not being able to find a place and feel safe and all of that..but i have...i did..and things are moving along quite fast actually...possibly found an affordable living room set...and thats awesome..so now im looking for an affordable nice complete bedroom set..and thats what im going to be spending my tax money on...and then finishing up with the fees and everything with my pay check..and so my mind is a million miles away now...im focused on moving and all of that and packing and getting rid of stuff and everything...if i can find a good bedroom set then im going to be giving my old bed to my cliennt..cas he needs one..and i would feel better knowing that i could help him...hes also getting one of my tvs...cas somehow i have 3! and well im trying to have the bulk of stuff moved in before mommy comes so that she wont have a reason to stay long and everything..and my sister may be coming and staying with me for that first week..but thats not set in stone yet...but im hoping she does..it will be nice to have company...

so as for other things..work is work..nothing much changed there..set with 3 clients and getting between 30 -35 hours a week..so thats good..gotta work on paperwork this weekend though and get it all turned in..

the bleeding is undercontrol again...went to the gyno on umm wed..and she started me on a birth control pill and had to talk to me about not being able to not take the meds..so it looks like im on birth control indefinitely to control the bleeding...i have an appt to go back and get an ultra sound again in a couple weeks..but due to money that may or may not happen ..well it may not happen this month and i may have to push it back to get things for the apartment taken care of before that since im self pay for now..

i did apply for insurance yesterday and so im waiting to hear back about that and see if ill even be able to be covered..

but other than that things are well going as well as they can i guess...slowing able to pay things off now that im getting more hours at work and a steady paycheck...so thats good..and then i have to just do what i can you know..

but yeah ..breakfast and then getting ready for work!  but its friday! thank goodness...still having issues with energy and being worn out really easily..and i need to go and pick up my meds today and that will be like 150 ...ouch..but i need those meds..so yeah..no complaining..hopefully soon ill have insurance and will be able to get help with the meds..although i feel like im starving darn birth control...

hmm possibly going to the movies this weekend..and that will be my outting for the weekend..cas gas prices are crazy right now..so yeah the benefits of moving are pretty good...i will save on gas and what not..and for now things are fine you know...im not looking for another job..im managing...taxes next year will suck since im going to be considered self employed ..and owe all the taxes that isnt taken out of my check now..so yeah...im wondering what im going to do about that..but for now...its going to have to be ok...

bounce is bouce and doing her own thing of course :)  hmm gotta make lunch today...no more buying fast food and stuff..went a little crazy with that yesterday..so yeah..gotta make lunch..and umm yeah..guess im going for real this time lol

a bit nervous i guess

so i have this person who may or may not turn into a relationship type thing...but because of something that happened i kinda pulled back  a bit..and just stopped with the always talking to this person and everything..and lately for whatever reason the need to talk to him and i need to be with him..and thats its own sort of problem cas we are like a million miles apart..but i dont completely understand the feelings and i dont know how to explain what i feel towards him..and then the whole relationship things gets messy cas i say him but well its not really outwardly a guy/girl thing and well yeah...messy situation...but well i guess the whole reason i am even thinking of this is because i had a dream about him..a intimate dream but not like full out sex dream..but pretty up close and personal..and it just goes against everything i know about touching and being alone and everything..and i dont know..it makes me uncomfortable and yet i know that deep down i want it..i truly want to be loved and touched and held and kissed and all of that..but i dont know..it all confuses me and i dont know where to talk about it..

permanant state of pms

i feel like shit to put it nice and bluntly ... im sick..theres just something wrong with me ..and i dont know what to do to help it...its going on 2 months of a non stop period..im tired..worn out..drained of energy..the meds the gyno gave werent the right ones..and now im looking at a trip to an emergency room because i dont have the insurance or the money to cover a visit to the gyno..rather one bill than two..but im deathly afraid of the hospital and im trying hard to put it off as long as i can..but the constant bleeding is getting to me..im tired and cranky and i just want to lay down and sleep forever...im tired of the bleeding and i know i need to go to the hospital..but fear is stopping me...im afraid and thats the bottom line..but the bleeding is heavy and not stopping and im afraid because its not getting better its getting worse..and im stuck..

dream - control vs no control ....confusion

so i got a dream analyzed today by the clinical supervisor ..and well its making me think...and so i need to write it down and see if i can remember what she said..

ok so the dream....

i wake up and im out of it..feeling drugged kinda..and decide that i want to go to get something to eat..and so i go to like mcdonalds and i drive there but i cant get my car to go into the drive through correctly..and so i finally just park and get out...and i go into mcdonalds and get something to eat...someone i know gives me something to eat..and i sit there a little while..before deciding to leave..and then i leave and i cant find my car..the parking lot has expanded and  grown and im lost and cant find my car and start to freak out and i have my keys and i keep just walking around and looking for my car..and i cant find it anywhere..and so i end up in like this basement..i go down somewhere..im underneath something..and down there i see this guy..and i realize rather quickly that where im at is not a good place to be..like my head is screaming danger..and i start to go backwards and and climbing back up and out..and the dude is following me..and keeps following me until he catches up with me..and well um hurts me..and then im like back to wandering the parking lot except now i dont have anything..i dont have my keys or money or anything..and am starting to really freak out..i run into my brother..and he tells me i odnt need to call the cops..and that i need to go home...im trying to convince him that i need to call the cops..and instead he gets me to go home with him..i go home and im trying to tell mommy wait happened and that i lost my car and that im sorry and freaking out about being in trouble with her...and she tells me again to not call the cops..and so i stay at home for a while..im positive i know who has my car..im accusing this person awfully and like saying all sorts of things and trying to convince everyone tht i know where my car is and who has it...well im not being listened to so i leave the house and am walking on this patth behind my house..and it leads to this big field and there are tons of people there and they are like setting up for some big thing..and im trying to walk by and not call attention to myself and im sneaking along and i see people i know but i dont approach them and no one approaches me..and i just am kinda watching and walking..and all of that..and so i make it through that and end up in a big parking lot type area..lots of cars and im looking again for my car..and trying so hard to find it and i cant and im positive that you know if i just look hard enough i will find it..and then i wake up...

she asked me what the theme of the dream was..the mood...and i told her that you know it wasnt happy..but i wasnt sure..another lady in the office asked if i was afraid or disillusioned..and i told her that at some points i was afraid..and finally i said..the dream wasnt based in reality..and i dont know how i came up with that ..but i feel that its true..there are parts of it that i cant put into words that makes me think of the nonreality parts..of now some things i saw or did just werent normal or realistic..and so i just told her that it wasnt based in reality..

and then she analyzed...


so i explained my dream to her..and it was a pretty long one..and well what she told me was that in the dream it started out that i was in control..and that i may have been zoned out and dazed but i still have control because im driving my car..and that i couldnt get the control to go where i wanted...going for food means i was looking for nurishment..losing my car means that i was losing control..lost control....going down into the basement arera means going back into my subconcious and there i find something that i dont like and so i am trying to get away from it..but it follows me out..and hurts me (that part i added in because i glossed over the well details for that section) ...but then ive still lost control because i cant find my car..and that im still looking for it means that im still trying to find that control...running into my brother and going home shows that im going to somewhere famialiar somewhere that could cause comfort...going home and not being allowed .convinced to call the cops shows that they think i dont need help..that i am fine...leaving the house again shows that i am still looking for my own answers..looking to get my control back in some way...running into the large group of ppl that im trying to get by without being noticed shows that i am not listening to others opinions and still trying to find my own way..and that i awake before finding my car shows that i am still looking for my answers..looking for my control ....

and now im not sure if i want to scream in horror that she spelled it out for easily ..or if i want to go and hide under a rock or something for thinking that she knows to much..ugh..i dont understand how one dream can be so accurate..maybe im looking to much into it..but its easy to believe her..its easy to believe her take on it..because she doesnt flying spit about my life outside of work..and yet she tells me all of this stuff that is fairly accurate..and its scary..creepy even...and im not sure how to take it yet..she asked me if it was accurate..and i told her i needed to think about it..but it is accurate..that part is obvious..in the worse way its obvious..but it throws me off big time..cas it makes me want to ask her about another dream but the other dream was highly involving pretty blanant sexual abuse and im not sure how to word the bring without revealing the true nature of what was going on..i want to know what it means but im afraid at the same time to come out with something that personal...that indepth..that real...i dont know if i can even sit in front of someoone and get out the words..and although i really want to know what it means..i dont know if i can...i have yet to say the words 'abuse or sex or physical or emotional' none of it..i cant say it..i cant speak it or acknowledge it..or anything..and i know that the one time it did come up with my old t i sat there for a long while trying to figure out a way to say what happened on a TV SHOW! it wasnt even about me..it was a stupid tv show and i was trying to explain that the girl was hurt..by her dad..and i was trying to tell my old linda what happened on the show..and i got so choked up..so scared..i couldnt get the words out..i couldnt tell her..i tried and got so frustrated and scared and just couldnt do it :(  in the end i just told her the girl was hurt..i didnt say how..i didnt explain anything else..i was able to give all the details about the show right up until the part that showed what happened..right up to the part that showed how she was hurt..and i couldnt talk anymore..i couldnt say anything or think or get myself to calm down due to the fear..and i was afraid..very very afraid....i dont remember what we talked about linda and i after that..i know we touched on how hard the conversation was for me and she tried to get me to talk about why and what caused me to close up..shut down...and i couldnt tell her..i didnt know ..:(  i still dont think i know or truly understand how big the fear was/is .. i not sure i can ever get to the bottom of all of that...

yep..i can do without the drama...

im getting horribly fed up with online drama lately...god message boards are horrible right now..everyone crying and complaining and attacking and just acting completely childish and stupid ...and its a pain in the ass...really people grow up..if you dont want to read something then dont..you dont have to comment on everything..you dont have to always say your piece ..good grief just let stuff go...im backing away from some of the message boards im on becuase the drama is tiring and bothersome and i read some of it but cant keep up anymore..so i just have a couple small places now ..and i guess it leaves me feeling more lonely lately..but just ugh..its riduculous...and i had to have a go at someone who wrote a completely inappropriate post in my opinion to someone..and was mean and rude and demeaning and i took his comments personally..and just had to say something..so yeah..tried to rein in my feelings and stay objective..but yeah will see..but really sometimes i just want to shake ppl and make them see that THEY are responsible for themselves..and they need to grow up and take some responsibility for their actions and move on..good grief...im beginning to think that online worlds can be just like high school..there are just as many cliches and picking on and bullying and all of that bs..and its a waste of time..and its  disappointing..you would think a group of adults could act well like adults...ugh

on edge...

feeling really on edge right now..bad dreams ..and just feeling scared and worried..i want to check and make sure my car is still out side..-sigh-  no not a good night for sleep..ive got to start taking my night meds again..

so yeah

completely decided there will be no  stressing this week....

im sick of stressing


ugh


heres to a no stress week!!!

my ramble on taxes

since i am feeling so anxious about my taxes and my refund that im getting back...that im just stressing on what i can or cant spend the money on...gosh my head has blown up the amount and what i want versus what i can get are not even in the same catergory anymore...cas what i want keeps changing..what i need stays the same..and the amount of money stays the same..yet the wants go up and down every single hour!! ugh..and i try to contain it and to work with it..and it is a bit annoying you know..so i figure ill make a list of sorts ..just for the sake of doing one...

-1st what i need to get done -
windshield for my car
license concerns
bills
bounce being updated on all shots and getting spayed

-2nd what i want-
ps3 w/ little big planet
clothes
sneakers
money in savings
furniture
new camera

-3rd what i just want to blow money on-
a vacation
clothes
impulse buys (books/movies/music)
art stuff

well you get the idea....
so my new plan for that money..is to wait until i get it all and move it into my savings account until both state and federal are deposited..and then when i h ave it all and have one amount that im looking at..im going to make a new list....one for important things i need the money for..and one for things that i truly want..and havent been able to get for myself since june of last year...yes i have been livving on a budget and no im not doing great with it..but things for myself have been few and far between...

and surprisingly ... i really want to just get out of town for a few days...i dont know if i want to see nia or go home yet..but just getting away..taking a few days and just driving and being away from job stress and life stress and just laughing and having a good time and no worries...and if i can just last a bit longer..then i think ill make it that first weekend in march ..and go up to nias place...check out sc..see what it has to offer..and use that as my get away..wait no..second weekend in march...heck lol gotta go to my staff meeting ..so yeah prolly the second weekend in march..yeah i think thats the plan...yeah i need to get away..

guess this is what i needed to see

All the pieces in the puzzle are in your hands! Don't go out looking for someone to complete you it will only give you the feeling you are incomplete. Life's strongest glue is being happy to be you. ~ Dodinsky

 

im feeling like i dont live up to expectations lately..that i just keep failing and disappointing ppl and everyone and its frustrating big time...i feel so inadequate in my life right now...like im not trying hard enough..like im not doing enough..like i constantly have to apologize for just existing right now..and its disappointing...i feel like a nobody..a failure..a waste of space..and i dont like this feeling...im wishing i felt more positive but i guess for right now im in a down phase and its not going anywhere for now...-sigh-

so i was on facebook today and saw this quote and decided to save it in my blog...i needed to see it and find it and i guess its like a pick me up in some ways...i have to start living for myself..and i go back and forth between knowing that i am enough and wondering why im not enough...one of these days i will understand myself..and like myself and know truly that i am enough..but i dont think that today is that day...:(

lately....

lately i just have felt like ive over stayed my welcome here..and i really feel that its time to go..move on..figure out what else my next step is going to be...i just get the vibe that its time for me to go  :(

may have done something really really stupid :(

theres a possibiltiy of having a bad drug test...i took meds that werent mine..and then had a drug test and i thought nothing of it :( and i got a call today about bringing in my med history..and i said yes without thinking about it..but the stupid med isnt on my history and now im pretty much screwed and freaking out..wondering what to do about it..and how to fix this..and ugh...gosh ill never take meds that arent mine again..i just wanted to focus :(  god i really need to think through these types of things..ugh... :(  upset and feeling really stupid..

really frustrated ...

things are feeling really off right now..and i dont know how to deal with it i guess...im scared about things and feeling kind of a lone in figuring things out...i normally use message boards as my main support system and even those are not helping right now..and im not really 'sharing' right now..im just kinda reading and existing there but i dont feel as though i even fit in anymore..and i dont know how to explain it..just kinda not sure where im going with things currently..

im really upset with myself for my eating lately...its been disgusting to put it nicely and well a darn mess..i dont know whats gotten into me but it needs to stop..fast food is my downfall big time..and it sucks at how easily i am at like just giving in and saying screw it and just grabbing fast food instead of cooking or fixing lunch to take with me..i mean already my plan to eat healthier has flown out the window and im right back to where i was..and im doing just as bad now as i was last year..and im completely aware that im doing it..which makes me even madder..and i have a million and one excuses but at the end of the day its just me and my choices..and well yeah..its either change it or do something about it right...i havent had fast food so far today ...well i dont really consider fast food as subway..so ive had subway today...but well even so i still feel as though ive binged and made a mess of things...i know i need to cook ..and make enough to last a few days but funds are low and yeah..no idea...-sigh- this weekend ill try to get some money together so i can at least go and get stuff for lunch and everything..

still no word yet about the job or the apartment..and so im feeling incredibly frazzled and out of sorts right now..just wondering and anxious and just ugh..i just want to hear something..anything!!

im not sleeping very well..i think im having night mares but i dont remember enough of them to say yes or no on that one...i do know that in one i was trying to be abused so that i would fit in..and i was looking for ways to be hurt..which is unsettling..but dont really remember them..but im tired...on the way to work this morning i struggled to stay awake..and it got to the point where i actually thought i had taken my night meds in the morning..cas i dont really read bottles when i take my meds..i go on looks and just take them..but i was ready to fall asleep in the seat on the way ..and i just wanted to lay down and not even go to work..im feeling more awake now..but still a huge underlying tiredness...

but guess thats all i had to say for now..

nervous and frustrated ...

i dont know where my money is going...im planning and budgeting and still i cant seem to get a handle on things..i understand that it takes time and effort and that im prolly hoping for a miracle after like a week ..and so yeah im feeling frustrated that im not sticking to the budget and that i dont have the money i need to get things done...im frusstrated and broke and i just want to scream...and once again i just keep telling myself to make it through the day..the week..the month...i just have to get through the month and next month with taxes and possibly a new job things will look better..things will be less stressful...but i have to get through the freaking week first ...and ugh..i dont know how to do it..i dont know what to do..and im stuck again...

i did my taxes last night and well im going to be getting a refund back..more than i thought i was going to get...especially since i was freaking out about owing taxes and not getting a refund at all..but welll yeah..as it turns out i am getting some back..and all ive been thinking of is what i want..what i need and what i should spend the money on...and im frustrating myself even more because wanting stuff overshadows what i need to use the money for and im just ugh...i have things i have to do..you know..but im going to spend my refund on my car...i need my windshield fixed..i need to get some work done on my car you know..and so i know i need money for that...and then i want to use some to get some things i need...like well clothes and shoes...and well then i want a new video game system...a ps3 and a couple games...and then i start to feel guilty becuase there is so much other stuff dealing with bills and things that i need to use the money for ..and all i can think about is what i want..and how much fun i can have with the money im getting back..and so i feel stuck with it all..maybe i will break the money into three parts...1) savings  2)bills 3) fun 4) car...ok so 4 sections..and maybe i can figure out a way to make it even and still feel like im doing something productive with the money and not just blowing it ..i dont know...still got some time on that one though i guess ...

and well feeling really nervous and anxious about the possible job and the apartment stuff...the waiting is driving me crazy..and the longer i wait the more crazy and anxious im feeling about it all..and well i guess im just distracted lately..i dont know...

-sigh-  im not feeling like i know much right now..

confused and wondering .....

so..i saw linda today..and i am feeling a bit put off right now...bothered i guess is the way i am feeling..and its well bothering me..darn it...linda talked to me today about my process and well nearing the end of reaching my goals and being able to move on without her..and well it was as usual in one ear and out the other..but im getting the feeling that she is very serious about this..and is going to whether i want her to or not bump me down to every other week..like within the next two weeks..and no i dont like the idea..yes im incredibly worried about messing up or moving backwards..and well all sorts of things are going on in my mind right now..and im frustrated...very..because if i want to be logical yes i can acknowledge my improvements...i can acknowledge that ive grown and am in general doing better of dealing with things..and im not hurting myself persay..and all of that..and im talking more..and so technically i am reaching my goals..but at the same time i hate that im reaching my goals..and im feeling very mad at myself for even being in this spot...and i dont know what to do about it...im sure i have homework but i dont remember what it is..im hoping i remember it by next week because well im sure this conversation will be not dropped...but i dont know what im supposed to do...i wonder why i am getting better..im wondering if i really am getting better or if im just faking...but i go to see linda every week..and she knows everything pretty much that is going on with me..and how im feeling and stuff..and still she says i will be ok coming every other week..am i the only one feeling my craziness and unstableness ?? am i making up that im feeling crazy and unstable..ugh...because yes i am doing better..but im afraid of the change..and of not needing the help..i understand that with therapist you know ..they are all different..they all get u to a certain place and then its time to move on..but then i feel so jealous of the people who keep there thearapist for years and years and who have that stable never ending support..but then i have to wonder about what the real goals are..and whether or not i want to stay in therapy forever...dont i want to feel better? to manage better?  isnt that the chance my therapist is giving me? and i guess its either i take it or leave it..but its happening and i just am going to have to deal with it...i dont like it at all though..and im still not sure how im really feeling about it...a lot of upset and sad feelings about it..wondering if somehow i have screwed up things for myself again...im afraid to lose the support though..im afraid to trust myself and acknowledge completely that i really am doing better...she didn't mention you know not seeing me at all..and i guess i need to have clear set boundaries in place for like emergencies and crisis and all of that..but im wondering will i manage?  how will i manage?? i cant ignore the logistics though..every other week will free up my schedule a bit..it will give me more time and space to pay off my huge bill...and get all that in order..and it will get me through the well possible gap in insurance..so i can see the logics of it..but i dont want it..and it makes me want to just sit down and throw a flat out tantrum and figure out a way to make her keep me..and to keep seeing me every week..and im just upset that i am improving i guess.. i think i really need to figure out what it is that i want right now..and im feeling just kinda unsure of things ... and unsure of where to go from here ..and what it is that i need to do...

but as for other things..im feeling a little doubtful you know..about decisions and jobs and where im going from here...i am waiting to hear back about the job and the apartment..and should know something about both by friday..either good or bad news...and so then ill be able to move forward from there..but the anxiety and fear that the waiting is causing is a bit of a bother...im nervous..and scared...and i keep wanting to go over and over the choices..the pros and cons..heck sometimes i just want someone to tell me what the right choice is..but im trying to keep writing out my thoughts and doubts and fears about it all...i asked one of my supervisors at work about change and well moving on and stuff...and she told me to trust my instincts..and to go forward with whatever i decide fully..and she also told me to write out the pros and cons and stuff...so yeah got a lot to think about and process still..ugh..

still having an issue with the bleeding and what not..and im wondering if i had the wrong script called in..and i cant remember which med i had that worked...cas i had two meds i tried..and now i cant remember..but yeah..its still a problem..and its just making me tired that i cant like fix this..and i dont want to call the doc yet..but ill have to..cas its just bothersome..and i dont think im feeling good..or maybe im just tired of dealing with it..and i just will go to the doc so that it will stop..i am very tired of dealing with it..and well im tired of buying new undies..essh..so yeah will have to go soon..or as soon as i know for sure about insurance and money ill go..

all of a sudden today im not feeling well..i was fine this morning and almost in a decent mood..and then saw t and that got me down a bit..but i was able to refocus on some work stuff for a while..and then i went to run errands and kinda got down again..and then with all the female issues being a big problem today..im just feeling tired and out of it a bit..and just tired...im worried that i have some medical things going on ..and im just kinda afraid to go to the actual doc and find out that i have all this stuff going on..and suddenly im a little worried about possible diabetes because ive been going to the bathroom a lot but i know that im not drinking enough to be going so much..i know im dehydrated and should be drinking way more water..than the soda that im constantly drinking..but ive never had a problem with my sugar or sugar processing before..and im not over the top with sweets and stuff..im really not...i dont believe ive gained weight recently..i think im pretty much staying level with things weight wise..but yeah im letting myself become afraid of things that i dontt know and im prolly blowing all of this out of proportion...but still the underlying thing is that i need to go to the doc and im putting it off and blaming it on all sorts of things..and well truthfully no i dont have the extra money yet ..and i feel like im already on so many meds..and will have to keep adding on more and i just have so much stuff going on..and suddenly i have to start paying attention to all of this stuff..and taking care of myself and all of that and its overwhelming...very overwhelming...

and well on to kitty issues of the week...bounce has ear mites..and well the vet gave me meds for them..once a week for a month..and she will be fine...ive given her the meds twice now..and shes still scratching a bit..but well yesterday i noticed a sore on her face..underneath one of her ears..and its this little red spot and it looks a little inflamed..i asked heather to look at it and she mentioned it possibly being from scratching too..and she gave me some ear wipes and a itching spray..and im keeping an eye on it..and well im hoping it clears up ..but it could possibly be another trip to the vet..ugh...and well shes going to get spayed on friday..and so that will be a super early day because she willl have to be dropped off at 7:30am..essh..thats gonna be a long long day...and well im not sure yet if i need to do the vet instead of doing the spaying..and see...well i guess really i need to figure out money first and then figure out plans...i think its gonna be tight until the 15th...and so yeah..

goodness...i once again have so much going on...and i wonder why i always feel so stressed out!! darn it

-sigh-