things...

today has not gone well..and i really cant figure out why...maybe its not that they havent gone well but its just that things are so hard with no money that im just thinking everything is messing up again...

im ready to cry about money and all that stress and theres nothing i can do about and i hate it so much..i spent my last $7 on gas..both my accounts are negative right now..and i just dont have any money coming in at all until the end of august..and mommy says not to worry? how can i not worry?! i dont have enough gas to even get through tomorrow and she tells me not to worry..i am worrying..i am stressing..i am struggling..i filled out for food stamps and emergency aid with the social services place and im waiting to hear back from them..and im doing everything possible to stay in the house and save on gas as much as possible..i spent my other money on food for the cats..and drinks..and i have nothing now..and it is something i have never experienced..i dont like having to depend on other ppl to support me..i dont like knowing that i really cant do anything right now without mommy..and that i still have all month to look at with nothing..i struggle with thinking i cant do this..that im going to fail..that i have failed..and im frustrated and upset with myself..it was never supposed to be like this..and you can bet it will never ever freaking happen again..starting as soon as i start getting paid..money will go into savings..this happening has taught me quite a few valuable lessons..onces i wish i never had to learn..no the world is not going to be wrapped up and served to me on a silver platter..i mean yes i work for what i make..but i realize that i take a lot of things for granted..i mean i already know i have the tendency to be incredibly materlistic..but i guess i just assumed that there was never any need for a back up plan..and so i wasnt prepared at all..and things are beyond suckish right now..but they will get better..god i hope they get better...i just dont know what im doing to do..i had been doing so well catching up..and now im behind again..

i saw linda today and i left her feeling very upset..like whatever i wanted from her today i just didnt get..and i kept saying things i shouldnt say and i was getting all nervous and scared and had to ask her to stop looking at me at one point..and i just i dont know what was wrong with me today..i guess my pride is hurt and i cant deal with it..just cas we were talking about money and stuff and finding resources..and i didnt explain my feelings well and so i left feeling fairly upset and unsettled..and ive been thinking about it..and still cant get past being upset to figure out what it is that is upsetting me so..but ill try to figure it out..

orientation for my 2nd job is tomorrow..and im glad to just be getting that over and done with..im anxious to find out about pay from that job and when ill be actually be getting clients and all that..and well since i know officially have an 804 number..i just need to get my license changed and ill live in va officially..its kinda funny that ive been here this long and still have all my nc stuff..

ive gone 10 days with no fast food at all..its getting easier..but at the same time its hard...like today i left the cpr thing feeling sick and lightheaded from not eating..and i just wanted to stop and grab something to eat and i couldnt..and i came home and made a sandwich and started dinner instead..im trying so very hard to eat healthier..and ive just been working really and getting rid of the fast food..cas i ate that a lot ..and ive been eating more chicken and sometimes veggies..and now with no money you know its hard and i only have whats in the house..and im trying hard to manage..but umm i wore some jeans today and literally they were falling off of me...like way more than usual and every time i stood or really moved i had to pull my pants up..it was such an annoyance..i mean i can tell my body is changing some..but nothing thats noticeable to anyone else..and sometimes like today i eat worried that im not eating enough..cas im trying to save food and everything..so im going to eat a good dinner tonight..and then ill be able to have left overs for lunch tomorrow..and well leftovers pretty much until there all gone..i cant afford to throw food away like i usually do..and so ill be eating rice and chicken till im royally sick of it..

-sigh-

i guess i just needed to get all of that out..maybe i can ask yvonne to loan me a little money for gas..i dont know..

im not struggling..but at the same time things are not ok ...

but ill have to write more later on..

shamed...

i really struggled tonight to let go and just fill out the application for food stamps and stuff..ive had the application for over a week and just looked at it..i couldnt fill it out..i could barely fill it out tonight..i want to cry because i did fill it out..i just have to take them in tomorrow and drop it off and wait for a phone call ..and see what happens...im not holding out much hope..but i will see i guess...was almost crying trying to myself to fill out the stupid application and i couldnt do it..i couldnt admit i need the help..even though im worried extreme about money and bills and all that..i couldnt do it..somehow mommy worked it into me to never except help..to manage by myself..ive told mommy before that i would never be able to apply for food stamps or anything cas it was embarrassing..i dont care that i may need them now and any other help i can get..i dont..its not often i care about labels and all that..but for this the stigma is huge and it really bothers me..and i dont want to be seen as someone who is just playing the system..i dont even like the stupid system! and well the darn unemployment thing was just beyond depressing..its like really i worked my butt off for months and didnt qualify cas of why i was fired..but everyone else under the sun can get them.its so stupid..and just old things play heavily on all of this for me...mommy could manage with all 8 kids and working and managing for the most part you know..and i cant even manage with just myself..and just have failed miserably the past couple months .. i really truly hate this..all of it..and finished the paperwork about the 401k and im thinking that its not even worth it to cash out what ill get back..but i dont feel i have the choice anymore..i just cant think of anything else to do..and mommy is giving me as much as she can and i feel guilty for that too..and so i keep telling her that im fine and that im managing and thats not completely true..and it all gives me a headache..i really truly dont consider myself to be better than anyone else..i dont..but to me having to do this really is the ultimate failure.. :(

todays complaints...cas thats all they are

well i have run errands and now im at home for the day..worn out of course..and only went like 3 or 4 places..a couple really were just in and out and so they shouldnt really count..but got done what i needed to today..went to the phone place and changed my plan..wasnt expecting to have to pay to get the new phone but did and that pretty much ruined my other plans..but now i have that in place and two 804 numbers..i had to give up my 910 number..sad to see it go..ive had that number for years..called mommy on the new number and she didnt even pick up the phone so she told me when she called me back lol..but now she knows that 804 numbers belong to me..and im gonna have to write them down until i learn them..and then went to target and pick up a few things..and then went to the grocery store for something simple..i think this may be the first time i have EVER gone to the grocery store and only come out with one thing.. but got cat food at least..and the kids got a couple things for a dollar..and now yeah..now i just have to drive as little as possible to conserve gas...its pretty pathetic and depressing all by its self to deal with the money situation..i mean i have struggled with money.but always manage you know..and this time i cant even manage..i have what i have and thats pretty much it...i thought i would have a little extra for gas but the phone took that..and so now i have like less than $10 dollars for gas and everything else this week..it is frustratingly depressing..and i realized to late that yvonne has been using my laundry detergent and now i dont have anything and really needed to do laundry..and ill just have to figure something out i guess...

sometimes...

sometimes i think my problems and issues just arent serious enough to need help...i start thinking that i can deal with all this stuff on my own and ithat i dont need to tell anyone what is going on with me..i feel the need to just pull away from everyone..like ive shared to much and ive talked to much and now i need to be quiet..being quiet will kill me in the end..because my bad thoughts hide in the quietness..because ive gotten so good at hiding things..at leaving information out..i know all about how to say what i need to say to get people to stop questioning me..i would never stay in the hospital long if it got to that..i need to think like i was before..when my silence did protect me..when i didnt have to worry about anyone hiding out anything about me..sometimes i think that its just not worth it..that there is nothing worth fighting for and i want to give up..i dont even know why..i just want to give up on everything..worries and anxiety get the best of me and im afraid...sometimes im afraid of myself..sometimes im afraid of everyone else..of everything else..and i feel lost and confused..i know that i shouldnt compare myself to others..not when it comes to stuff like this..but i do..i run into ppl online who struggle so much more than i do..and it hurts me that i cant help..that i cant do anything at all to make things better for them..and i run into people who stay in crisis..who demand so much ..who need so much..and i just cant give it..it becomes to overwhelming and i get lost in it..i want to help i do..but i end up just thinking that im not as bad as them..and so i dont need the same kind of help..i get so jealous of the people who get to have therapy lots and who have lots of support and love and it feels like im just alone and struggling..and lying to everyone about whats going on with me..i want to go back to keeping my secrets and shutting everyone out..not that ive let all that many people in..but i do just want to shut down..i want to hide..and go back to pretending that everything is ok and fine..when really things are just falling apart..things are always falling apart lately and sometimes it so hard to keep pretending..i get so tired of pretending..i get so jealous of the people who can talk about what happened to them..and i cant get the words out..i cant tell any thing..im still trapped in my silence..i still struggle..but i dont feel i deserve help..i dont feel i deserve anything..and i wish linda would just agree and let me go..i want her to give up on me so that then it wont matter any at all what i do to myself..i dont want to have to tell her what i do..i dont..i want to be alone..but i die in all the aloneness..i make myself think i dont want linda to care..i dont want her to help..and i go out of my way at times to push her away...im completely screwed up..and i dont know why i even bother

cant connect tonight

i know i have really struggled the past few weeks..and tonight i was thinking about it and cant connect with any of what went on..i feel fine now..i dont see or even really remember how bad things were like 4 days ago..i dont understand..i keep thinking about what t said..about how she is very glad im back to work and that we dodged a bullet. she cant have been talking about me or anything i would have done?! i would never actually kill myself or try or anything..i dont want to cut or hurt or do anything like that. im fine..im in control..i dont know what she is talking about

todays..thoughts..ideas..feelings

well today has been relatively uneventful...mood has been alright you know...went to training and left to see t and then went back to training..struggling some today with wanting to just go and have fast food for dinner..but trying hard not to give in..wont give in cas cant afford it but yeah..seems like such a minor thing all things considered..but its super imposing at the same time..maybe will go and find a snack or something since im feeling really hungry right now..

t was interesting today i guess..i mean we talked about how things were going and how the work stuff was going..meds..you know the usual stuff...and t was all positive about me and i had to change the subject after a while..but she just said you know that she could tell i was feeling better..and i actually talked some you know..and she said that i had done good you know..all things considered..and she said that the self talk was a good thing..positive/negative and being able to tell the difference and all that.and that i had managed you know..and only cut twice..and no matter how much i tried to downplay all of it she kept bringing it up and told me that i needed to take ownership and i told her that i didnt see what the big deal was..and then we talked about my lack of being able to take a compliment..and to get her to change the subject i gave her my journal..and she skimmed it/read some parts..and talked about some of it..one of the first things she mentioned was about whether or not i was truly myself when i was with her..dont know how in the world she pulled that from what i wrote..hmm ok so maybe i guess its maybe possible to come to that..i mean she sees me pretty much every week and she talks to the pdoc and me and you know i told her that with her thats prolly the most im like myself..but she just had to take it further and told me that she felt that i would start to open up and then shut back down..and yeah i do that..i do it all the time..she also told me that she felt i told the truth about things...so it was interesting you know...surprising really at how much she can pull from things..and of course i know i write more in depth than i ever talk..and so yeah..but im not sorry i gave her the journal..im really not..it just made me nervous while she had it..she commended me on my ability to pull myself together and keep living life...i dont understand her at times ..i told her i pulled myself together because i had too..because i didnt like having the hospital hanging over my head..and that is true..you know..i didnt feel i had the choice of continuing the way i was..and so you know i did what i had to do..

hmm orientation was fairly fun today..i passed around pictures of bounce lol..and we all talked about cats and pets and it was fun...im so surprised you know..cas its starting to set in that they expect and trust that i am able to counsel children and there families..that im trusted to counsel them..and it is a scary scary thought..im going to have my own laptop and business cards! from the company..and i can go to the office late in the evening even to do paperwork...i like having that level of trust back..like im trusted to do my job and i dont need someone looking over my shoulder all the time..that is nice..but it is nerve wrecking also..cas i am being trusted..does that make sense ?

gotta figure out the phone situation but im not as worried about that...i can easily give the phones back and redo the adding a line thing..not a big deal...i think there was just some over excitement last night and it was like midnight that this was being done and umm the free phones and the smart phones and all that and yeah..a little to many choices all at once..but it is fixable lol..

the second job called today and asked about orientation and i asked for it to be next week..ill admit i lied about why i couldnt do it on friday..but they agreed to rescheduling it for next week and that is better..i really want both jobs to work out..but i will understand if i have to back out of the second one...i want to see how it goes though..figure out which company i prefer if i cant keep both...i mean either way i would still have to find a second job..ugh..cas with moving in september..im gonna need the extra money..so yeah..but im hoping for the best...

my old supervisor got back to me and im going to meet her next week inorder to get my things..and like i thought im not allowed on campus anymore sad.gif but im going to have to let that go..and move on..and its not as often now that i get sad about not seeing the girls ..but sometimes i just get caught up wondering what they are doing..and how they are doing..but soon i will have new kids to worry about and help and i guess thats where my attention needs to be...

i am glad im busy again..i am..but at the same time being so busy is worrying me lol...my back to planning and replanning my schedule..trying to fit everything in..and i know logically its not as full as i feel it is..but yeah..i guess i feel like i have purpose again..t was very glad i was back to work also...cant say i blame her ..

although i guess right now the major stress is you know wondering how to make my last bit of money last as long as possible...had to get gas today and that made me anxious..and so im working with maybe $30 to last as long as i can..and i dont want to ask mommy for any more money when i know she is going to be paying my phone and rent...and so yeah..will manage..again because i just have too...

but thinking ill go and get that snack now..and watch something funny for a little bit..i think im all talked out for now..

back to work....so it begins

today is my first day back to work...well its just orientation but its something to do ..and im nervous about it..but well it has to be done lol...and of course i feel like i didnt sleep at all and i did..it was hard waking up with the alarm clock and i wanted to just hit the snooze button but i needed to be up..cas i knew itwould take me a while to get moving and all that..but im up and soon ill start getting ready..and it is wow..its been a month and it feels like i havent worked in forever..but i am glad to be starting..i am..im just worried about focusing in the afternoon part..i am really nervous about that...

a bit sad that i dont see t this week but ill call her tomorrow and let her know that i dont have an appt and kinda just touch base..its not the same but it will have to do..but the week after i see her and pdoc and hopefully will get the meds worked out..the dose needs to be changed..or something added on or something..

hmm stiill waiting to hear back from my supervisor about the stuff i left at work..which i kinda needed one thing today..but hopefully she will get back to me and let me know how ill be able to get them..

but gotta go and make breakfast ..because it would not be good to like pass out or something at the orientation...and since i dont know how the day will go or if they are providing lunch or not..i better bring snacks or something..and im glad i dont live very far away so that i can like come home for lunch if i have to..im trying hard to not eat fast food..thats my first goal..actually..once i stopped flipping out and made a goal that is..the first is to give up fast food and it really is like a day to day thing ..but working hard at it..

but ok im really going now...still things to do and all that fun stuff.

the usual

having a lot of trouble staying focused..i think thats been going on all afternoon/evening...i really am starting to feel that 'not' feeling good is becoming the norm..like expected 3 hit and i started spazzing out..and of course i was still out doing stuff..seemed like i was just going so slow and taking forever to do anything..all emotion was drained away..and it was like how i was with t the last time i saw her..blah..but finished errands at least..umm issues at the doc again..and they took my bp and there were issues with that of course..but it was around the same as it was on friday by the end..which i was ok with..it is still disappointing though..but then just made a couple stops and came home...it makes me feel pretty useless to ha ve to take a break after being out :( so frustrating... umm but umm cleaned up some i think and made dinner..and it turned out pretty good..and i took a picture of it and sent it to my sister lol..it was great..she hates me now lol...but cleaned the kitchen and now back to laying down because head is all sorts of not ok .. about to take meds though..and hopefully that will help..but nothing really helps anymore.. ok no feeling sorry for myself tonight...dont have the energy to spare really..and have to be up early tomorrow to join the real world and go to orientation..but gotta finish laundry and what not hopefully tonight before i fall asleep..and umm get stuff ready for tomorrow..and all that..
gosh i thought i had so much more to say but i guess not..prolly need to make myself get up now and do something..

...

feeling fairly awful tonight...

thats all :(

just disappointed with myself

i am very disappointed with myself..fairly ashamed too..i went to the doctor yesterday for a tb test and was told that my blood pressure is really high..scary high..it was 160/100..the doctor freaked me out and started talking about strokes and all that .. and told me i needed to start checking it more often..i was on blood pressure meds in high school..dont remember why i stopped taking them but i did after a while...and never really thought about it again you know..lately though ..well not even lately.like within the past couple years ive gained a lot of weight..and i havent been paying attention much to what i eat or anything..and i havent cared and all that..and i know im not doing anything at all to take care of myself and be healthy and all that..and its coming back to bite me in the butt big time...im scared and freaked ..and feel like im just going to drop dead at any minute thanks to the rediculous doctors yesterday..and its just embarrassing to be told that well im not taking care of what i need to be ..and well i wasnt there for my bp so they just gave me a little print out thing and let me go..but i know i need to make some changes..and i am..i refuse to have to go on bp meds right now..if diet and exercise dont do it then i will..but i mean it doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure out that i need to lose weight and eat healthier and all that..but its scary and overwhleming a little bit too...i know changes dont happen over night and that its so hard and i have to take it a day at a time..i need to use up the food i have now and then go from there...i spent a bit of time yesterday just kinda researching and looking up stuff..and theres something called the dash diet that i want to look into..its made specifically for helping to lower blood pressure..when i get back on my feet im joining a gym and going to start working out at home now though..i mean i have an elipitcal that i never use and its just collecting dust downstairs...the sad part is that i know all of this stuff..i have been obsessive about dieting and counting calories before..i have exercised and ate healthy and all of that..and its like i just ignore it when i want too..i need to go back to keeping a food journal and knowing what im eating if i want to make changes..i just have to put the effort into it..and know and understand that its important...i know stress and meds and all that also could be playing a part in it..but im sorry 160/100 is just high i dont care what anyone says and im the one that has to work to get it down...i told nia about it yesterday and she was supportive..you know..told me i needed to start taking care of myself and all that...i told mommy and she flipped out and started demanding that i go right back to the doctor and get meds and all that...i told her that it would be more helpful if she stopped trying to tell me what to do..she didn't..and she keeps bringing it up..but i told her...i mean really this isnt about her..its me and what im going to do..her giving me directions and telling me what to do isnt helpful..its just overwhelming..im not a child i dont need to be told what to do..but anyway..i have a lot to work on..a lot of changes to make...and taking care of myself means no more cutting ...

actually wanting to do things today...more focused and clearheaded. i guess this is an improvment..maybe the new meds will help..

reasons why i have to keep a second job..

- well i currently/very soon will be behind on bills..i am behind on some..
- i need tires on my car..and a tune up..cant work without a car
- dusti and bounce both need a trip to the vet..cas they are scratching.and bounce needs her shots..
- im moving in september and rent will be almost double what it is now. plus possible moving costs
- birthday trip that we will very much want to take
- holidays and such and traveling
- there are things i just need in general (ie work clothes, food, etc)
- therapy, meds, and pdoc to pay for

i know it is going to be stressful, i know it will be hard and i will be so busy and all of that..but this has to work out..i dont have any other choice..

thoughts

feeling quiet..and worried..

wondering why yvonne spent the night here..

tired.dusti work me up to be fed and i know the meds are still fairly strong in my system..and so im really dragging right now..

trying to figure out a plan of action..but really all i can think of is taking a shower..thats my ridiculous goal for today..

not good

my head hurts..my eyes hurt..ive cried so much the past couple weeks that i dont think i have any more tears left. was very zoned out this evening after getting the letter about the unemployment..all the worries i ihad been trying to hold off came crashing down..tomorrow is like the day of choices i guess..because it will be whether or not i can get all the meds..and will have to go from there..and if i cant .. then ill just have to deal with stopping some and keeping others...i cant keep crying over all of this..but im at a loss..already im trying to figure out how to make what money i have left last..i have dusti and bounce to think about..i have so much on my mind..

ive cut again..and its like going back to the beginning..back to trying to stop when all i want is the emptiness from cutting..i just want to lay down and stop thinking..i am suicidal but i wont act on those thoughts..i have to show up to work on monday..cant have anyone thinking im not okay.

state of mind - Merril Bainbridge

Where do I go from here
Or am I just a clock spinning round
Everything seems unclear
Confusion is raising it's head
And I can't make a sound
I feel it tearing at my soul While I'm asleep
I feel it driving me to something I'll regret

What if I make the change
What if I loose all my courage
This time
Everything seems so strange
Try but I can't seem to make a decision
That's right
I feel it pounding like a drum inside my brain
I feel it if it doesn't stop I'll go insane

I feel it tearing at my soul while I'm asleep
I feel it driving me to something I'll regret
I feel it pounding like a drum inside my brain
I feel it
I feel it if it doesn't stop I'll go insane

I feel it
I feel it
I feel it
I feel it
I feel it

overwhelming day...very overwhelming

just need to get this out...head is so full and feeling so agitated and anxious...

well my morning started out with a phone call from my job that im starting next week..and that i have to get two more references..it has to be a supervisor..and so i have to figure out who i can get in touch with at my old job in nc..and talk to them..cas at first i was thinking i would have to get in touch with my supervisor from my job i just lost and that i didnt want to talk to them..well i didnt know what to say to my supervisor to get her to fill out a reference for me..and i was just getting upset and stuff about possible getting to see the girls and all of that..and it was hard to let that go...so that was worrying me..

went to t and talked to her..and it was hard..like nothing she said could get me out of how i was feeling..i refused a lot of her suggestions today because i just wasnt feeling good and was just having a hard time...we talked about how i was feeling and the cutting and the med situation..she told me i needed to talk to the pdoc and i wasnt to keen on that idea and said enough and agreed to consider calling the pdoc about the meds..(well i left her and was just sitting in my car figuring out where to go when pdoc called me..and i asked her why she was calling..which then turned into im sorry what are you calling about..t was fast in getting a hold of pdoc and telling her what was going on with the meds) i guess i cant blame her cas i wasnt sure i would have stuck to calling pdoc..and i would have just let it go or something..so pdoc talked to me about starting a different med that would be a lot cheaper and is like lexapro..and i told her i would call her back because i just needed to think..i was getting to much information pushed at me and i couldnt think..so im going to look up that med..cas essentially its like starting new with means possible side effects..with possible withdrawls and im just not happy or hopeful about the med situation right now..im not happy or hopeful about anything right now but thats another story..t talked about what it would take to keep seeing her..$70 a session..with the understanding that i could not pay right now..but would have to pay on it..im thinking about the bill i would rack up..im thinking about what it would take to just say no and stop going..thinking about how long it would be before we finished falling apart without t ..all of that went through my head..all of it is still going through my head..she said that would be how it would have to be until insurance kicked in but that as soon as i had insurance again it would be back to the usual price or something cheaper..since i dont know what type of insurance it will be...we talked about plans for me to be safe..and what i would need to do..absolutely refused the hospital...did agree to call her if things got to be to overwhelming..agreed something else but forgot what it was but in general my understanding is i need to keep it together and not end up with giving anyone a reason to try putting me in the hospital..no..talked about money and lack there of..and it was an overwhelming session..and i just feel like i am pushing t just to push her..want her to just be mad and give up cas im not willing to try or anything anymore..she told me again that i needed to keep holding on and not give up..cas i have so much to look forward to..i didnt make an appt for next week with t..but my appt for pdoc is still scheduled for a couple weeks..but she said she would call in the meds if i agreed to taking them..so all confused and overwhelmed by all of it..
really am on overload right now with all of that...

and then to add to the mix of everything going on..i was offered another job ..which i accepted for a number of reasons.. partially just want to be so busy that i just stop thinking about everything else...partially i just need the extra money..and i know it may not work out long term..and there's the possibility that it can work out long term..i don't know..but i want to try..i really do..and its just the orientation..i just want to be busy again..i need something else to take up space in my head..so will have to see..

failed

ive been trying to figure out what to write..how to get my feelings out..and nothing is coming out of my head..i think ive just shut down..and i dont know what to do about it..

got so so upset last night..so caught in all the bad thoughts and cut..not bad but not simple little cuts either.cant even bring myself to take care of them..and so they just hurt and are all gross right now..i keep thinking ill get up and do something.and i dont..like i know they are there but i can block them out and not deal with it..but they are there..and they are open enough to prety easily get an infection if i dont do something..but all i have is peroxide which i found this morning..realized there is nothing else..and im pissed that i have to go to the drug store for first aid stuff..i am..well i dont have to..but i should. i ca nt decide. i dont want to leave the house to day. feeling panicked a bit i guess..i dont know ..thinking about leaving just makes me feel off somehow..i just want to be still and quiet..and think about nothing at all..why is that so much to ask for..ive gone and ruined everything once again..cept all i want is the empty dead feeling from cutting..no thoughts.no worries..i think i was almost happy at the small moment of release..just everything went away..ill tell t tomorrow shes just wasting her time on me..since its pretty obvious i cant be helped..

down the rabbit hole...

im sinking ..again..its a very very bad space..cant seem to escape from any of it any more..all it takes now is one thing..almost anything..but the thought spiral is going strong right now..and im right back into blaming myself for everything that has happened and nothing is really helping..im just stuck and feeling soirry for myself big time right now..the sad feelings are so strong and overwhelming and i just want to lay down and shut out everything again..one semi good day and it cant even last a full 24 hours..and already it feels like i am just right back to where i was the other days this week..im really surprised that i am not feeling suicidal at all..i really am..i dont even want to cut..i am like completely getting sucked into the sad thoughts though and i really am struggling again..and it makes me so tired and worn out..cas its all repetitive and i have no idea how to get it to stop..i didnt realize how much the meds stopped all the repetitive stuff..i had forgotten all about that and now the meds are not there any more and its all coming back.and i cant deal with it...its like it was before i started the meds..when it was so easy for me to just feel so badly so fast and easy and my options were getting so so slim and not all that great...it really wasnt ok then and its not ok now..i know i said that i was fine without the lexapro..and ill manage..but its not going to be easy at all..the effexor alone isnt enough..and the chance that i wont be able to stay on that is pretty slim too..and it all just kinda sucks and is hard..but i know it will be a while before its all fixed and i have to deal with that ..i really do..and its i dont know..im trying to write..i am .. i keep writing and its always the same stuff..it is always the same thoughts..and i cant get rid of them..i cant escape them..im a depressing mess and if i could manage to escape myself i would...

but yvonne is back for some reason and its pissing me off and so i need to go and lay down or something i else..

what gets triggered in t?

i think something t said a couple weeks ago is bothering me ..i dont know..we were talking about eye contact again..umm it was before i had to go for my job interview. i told her that i could make eye contact when i had to you know..for a job interview i know i have to make some eye contact, i have to look at the person im talking to. im by no means great at it but i can manage it enough to get by and get the person im with to realize im looking at them i guess. but with linda i cant do it, i could do it with the linda before that, or the other therapist ive had. i couldnt do it with my teachers who knew way to much about me, or anyone who knows to much about me. im back and forth with family and almost never with mommy. but with the kids i watch i can look at them..it was back and forth with the girls i worked with, sometimes i had to force myself to look at them. i think its a little easier if im looking at someone and they arent looking at me at the same time..its like some of the pressure is off that way..but im off track..umm she asked me what gets triggered in therapy that i cant look at her..cas after talking for a bit she mentioned that i was making a choice to not look at her. i was like no its not a choice..its just something that i do..that i have to do cas i get nervous and all that..but i know its worse in therapy or when i have to talk one on one about personal stuff..its a lot worse..but i cant do it..i get so scared and nervous and anxious and ashamed i guess..gosh after umm almost 9 years in and out of therapy im finally slightly accepting that i need to go to therapy because theres a lot i have to deal with..but at the same time im still ashamed that i have to go..that i need someone else to step in and help me deal with stuff because i cant do it by myself..its like the ultimate failure..not being able to deal with my life and manage and all of that..but then having to talk about all the hurts and stuff makes me go way beyond just being anxious..because then it turns into like breaking rules and talking and not keeping family stuff quiet and being in trouble and then i really cant get the words out..and start just kinda losing focus and changing the subject..and you would think i would realize that doing all that just keeps me in therapy even longer...and its pretty obvious what topics i dont want to talk about cas i keep managing to get around talking about them..just cas linda starts asking questions and i start feeling trapped and scared and hoping that something will happen to get me out of there.. and saying i dont know a million times when i do know..and then it all gets confusing and im frustrated because i still cant seem to talk to her..and i want to but i cant..cas being scared and ashamed still wins out i guess..so guess thats all i got for now...and then i just cant look at her cas im afraid of what she sees in me but also what i would see from her reactions i guess..and maybe its just kind of a protection thing..cas i do work awfully hard to make sure i never look at her eyes..and i can see her when im in her office..without looking directly at her..i can tell and notice things about her..but i just cant look at her while im with her..and i dont know..

not accepting..

this...all of this that is going on now with money and insurance and meds..will never ever happen again..never.. i feel so stupid for letting it all happen..and blame myself every single day for messing up and just causing all of this..i do..but somewhere in my head i guess i know ill get through it because i have to..but i also know that i have a few days before i even have to bother doing anything else that concerns people or talking or interacting with anyone..i dont want to talk..i dont feel like talking..i want to be left alone but being alone is killing me..and i know everyone is busy with there own stuff i do..but still..oh well for me i guess..i hate how hard im struggling right now i do..and im just making it worse i guess because im not trying hard enough to get through it..without all the negative thoughts and what not..im tired..i sleep all the time..and if im not sleeping i may as well just be staring off into space for all im actually doing..im mad at everything..im mad at myself i guess..once i start working again..and start getting regular paychecks..i know ill be putting money into savings now..ill work three freaking jobs i dont care..if it means ill be able to save and live and not have this happen again..it makes me so so tired..and upset..and im angry that the unemployment is a bunch of bs..im very angry at that..and theres still a chance i wont get anything..how am i supposed to live ??! how am i supposed to manage anything ?? its all so stupid..all these programs put in place to help you and the guidelines make it so difficult to even qualify..i need help and i cant even get it..im embarrassed hugely by the fact that i cant afford to buy food and should go and apply for food stamps..but shame stops me from going and actually doing it..im trying to stretch out what i have..plan going to the grocery store down to the last penny..and still i know i wont be able to manage..and it is upsetting so very much..im ashamed to need the help..and even more ashamed that i dont qualify for most of it..im calling the free clinic on monday and seeing if they can help me with meds..and after that im just out of options...i guess..its just so disappointing..all of it..and its all my fault..because im just so stupid and trusting .. ive ruined everything..

...

not much to talk about today. didnt go anywhere. didnt do anything. napped. watched tv. played games. just feeling hopeless.. again

im just tired of all of this

the more i try..the more i fail..

i had to call the unemployment place today..and got told that i wont be cleared to even receive unemployment until i have my hearing..ok fine..my hearing is aug 13th..i dont have enough money in the bank to live on and i dont know what to do..im freaking out..and i call mommy and tell her and she just says not to worry..how am i not supposed to worry?!?! i may end up not being able to even fill my other prescription..and will have to wait on it..if i cant i cant..but just worked so hard last week to be able to get the prescription and now im right back to not being able to afford it..if i had gotten the unemployment it would have been ok and i could have managed..but now im just at my wits end trying to deal with all of this..every time things just start to feel better a little bit something else happens that sends me back into being so very not ok..i dont know what to do..and i know i will have to just manage because i really have no choice..but theres no money for anything at all..and even starting work week after next wont help because it will be into august before i even get my first check from there..and its all just so hard to deal with..so there will be no library..and no grocery store..no anything really because i cant afford to spend the money...and no driving because i need to save the gas and make it last as long as possible..geez i may as well just exile myself to the middle of no where because thats what it feels like im ending up doing already.. :(

yvonnes boyfriends grandmother died yesterday..and she called and told me that she wouldnt be spending the night at the apartment anymore...not that she has been here anyway...so i am alone..and i just h a ve to suck it up and deal with it..but i just keep falling apart..

today

slept pretty good last night i think..was up kinda late but it was ok..just waking up and feel awake but i know ill end up napping again..but trying to be ok with that ..your right..maybe i just need the extra rest..trying to be as ok as possible..but of course worrying about everything right now...paid as much as i could bill wise..and what left isnt much at all...and trying to keep that for next week so i can get the script filled..the pharmacy called me the other day and told me it would be $123 for the meds..and i said i would come and get it next week..and so im hoping so so much that it all works out but i am worried..was looking around online last night and found an assistance program for the lexapro but now that ive been off it for so long im not sure i want to start it again right now..i dont know..the effexor doesnt help the sad feelings..hah im not anxious..but im so so very sad and quiet..hmm dont know really..maybe ill talk to t about it next week..bounce kept licking me last night.shes so cute..she laid right in front of me on the pillow and licked my nose..hmm not sure what im going to do today..im trying to figure out something to do..

super cool that avatar is coming back to theaters ! that is so awesome. its coming out next month !! i hope it shows in va..gonna be so upset if it doesnt. despicable me came out today..but going to wait to see it..maybe will see something thats already been out for a while this weekend. ooh grown ups is out. maybe i can use my free ticket to see it.

hmm guess i need to get up and do morning stuff..

just struggling

i am sad. i am angry. im trying not to cry. all day ive been by myself and i guess it is just adding on to everything else. im alone and upset. thats a great freaking combination. im trying so hard not to cut. i am. but ive been thinking about razors for a while now. i never got around to throwing away the last new set that i got.ages ago..still have them and i want them . i am trying though. im trying to do something but i dont know what yet. just upset with everything..upset with the way things are turning out and keep thinking its all my fault..like i just keep reminding myself that i just screwed up big time with all of this and now im paying for it. yesterday i was thinking that it has been a while since you know ive been able to make myself suffer for something ive done..not being able to take the meds is making me suffer. i feel awful and there is nothing that will help that..nothing is helping any of the feelings..i just feel lightheaded and sick and not good. i just lay down because moving makes me feel awful..laying down makes me feel awful because i shouldnt lay down so much..but i cant deal with anything anymore. i cant get myself to get up and do anything..i forced myself to sit up tonight and i couldnt even last an hour before i had to lay down again. i napped for over 3 hours this morning after sleeping a lot last night .. i should go and take the sleep meds now but inside i just want to keep laying here becuase i dread walking up the steps..im so stupid ..and i just cant get past that all of this is all my fault. i have to remind myself that linda told me i had to keep trying and not give up but thats exactly what i want to do..i want to just give up and just cry and i dont know..just not be here. being here is to hard to deal with and i dont know how to get my head to stop anymore. i argue and lose..i try and fail..and nothing works..maybe i am hiding..and lying all day long to mommy. yes im fine, of course im fine, im just tired..i can lie all day long to her because i dont need her worrying about me..or asking me if im 'doing' anything..damnit i dont even have skin left to do anything with.well i do but cutting all over my lower arms would not go over well with anyone i guess..but lately i dont care one bit about the scars..im= just want things to be better and there not better..and really they are all getting worse..they all just feel worse and overwhleming and im tired..im just done with everything you know..i dont want to have to do anything that all...i have to go out tomorrow..and only because i have to will i try to deal with not feeling well and go to the interview i have tomorrow..and i have a meeting thing that is scheduled for tomorrow that i said i would go to..but i dont know about that..going and listening may be good...it may make me feel worse..so i dont know about that one..and thats my days...nothing planned for the weekend..nothing planned for anny days..any more..i just dont know what im doing..im sinking into all of this and just cant see any way out at all..i keep saying i just have to make it to the next hour without doing anything..i have to make it to seeing linda next week..i think about how i need to just get up and do something and i cant..and i know better..i do..how many times have i told someone else not to do exactly what it is im doing?! im not stupid but i seem to be dead set on making myself think i am..linda said it was a mistake what happened at work..when i told her i had messed up everything..but it isnt..i messed up..and then everything fell apart..and weeks later i still cant get a grip..im still not able to move on..because i keep thinking and worrying..and more things happen and i just go back to all the bad thoughts..hopeless thats what it is..just feel hopeless..and nothing is ok..

I learned there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead, others come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready, you see.
Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me.
-- Dr. Seuss

no meds...

i thnk the meds ..or lack there of are already effecting me...it is hard..and i am angry..

i used the last of the lexapro on saturday...and the effexor will only last through to next saturday maybe...and what i have left on the trazodone im trying to keep for an emergency...im going to the pharmacy this afternoon maybe..to see how much the meds will cost without insurance..and i signed up for the card on the effexor website that said i could get my script filled for like $4. i hope they are true..im very worried though...when i missed all of the meds on friday i thought my head was going to float away..it was hard to concentrate and my head just felt so heavy and weird..it was not a good feeling ..

it is really hard to think about all of this though...tomorrow may be my last therapy appt..and that makes all of this even harder...losing meds and therapist all at once..and i really have no idea what to do or how to handle it..

4th weekend

its been a busy one. went to water country today :) all day and we actually rode the rides ! and played in the pools.. and it was fun. going to dc tomorrow and the zoo!! it is fun having nia here. it really is.

10 steps back

i found out today that my insurance has been canceled. i cant get my meds filled..and looks like i will be stopping them all at once... im not sure if i will even be able to see t next week cas of all of this ..and its like everything is just stopping all at once..cant afford it anyway..upset and shutting down fast..i cant deal with this

super cute bounce :)

no more therapy

hmm so im trying to be realistic..i am...and im realizing that realistically i may not be able to go back to therapy after a couple weeks and i wont be able to see the pdoc either. i see the pdoc thursday and im worried about telling her that im losing my insurance..linda already knows..but the pdoc doesnt..and we will have to talk about meds..and that is really worrying me..all of it is pretty much worrying me..because even if i get this job..benefits dont come in for 3 months! and that wouldnt be until like october..i have no idea how ill manage all that time without therapy..and if i cant cover meds i really dont know what ill do ... ive read that the withdrawl from effexor is awful :( and i already know that even missing a day on the lexapro leaves me feeling not okay...and yeah..im not even sure i can afford to ask for a 3 month supply of each..cas all together for one month the meds are about 80..and so a three month supply would be about 240 or so..and as of right now i only have one check for july..and rent and car stuff has to get paid..and there wont be much left over...crap crap double crap...i hate all this..and i dont know if ill even have enough time to talk about it with t tomorrow...

tired

well i actually completed my goal and cleaned for 2 hours before stopping..but now im like so tired and worn out..i feel like ive been going all day and im just tired...and still have some things to do...but really we like got the floor clean in the kitchen and downstairs bathroom..and i just gotta get the dishes in the dishwasher before i go to bed tonight..and then i completely cleaned my room..closet included..and like swept and the vacuumed and mopped my room! bounce tried to help and like chased stuff out from other things and i got to throw them away lol..and then she sat in the litter box while i was cleaning it out lol..i still have to dust and do laundry but can do that later in the week..i was gonna go it tonight but energy was gone..but finally have a clean room. and feel like ive done something today.

and for some reason my legs are cramping a lot tonight..it stinks..and it was both legs at the same time and i could feel the muscles cramping..and ive even been drinking water today! i don't get it..maybe cause i was sweating a lot today..i dont know..but i hate getting them..they hurt so much :(

if i stop and think about things i get really nervous about tomorrow...still not sure what im wearing and super worried about well messing up or saying something wrong. the lady said its like a panel thing and that it will be with ppl already working in the field..and then i start thinking they are gonna ask me like super hard questions or something..but i do see linda before going ..and i always feel more together after seeing her..so im hoping that will help me get through the interview! i couldnt convince myself to try to change or cancel the appt..really kinda want to see her..so yeah i have those two things tomorrow..and im gonna try to go to the unemployment place on wed..and then i see the pdoc on thursday.. gosh i really need to write stuff down cas im forgetting things again..took me a couple days to remember i had pdoc this week..even though i know i talked about it last week..ugh really need to get a planner thingy..

hmmm wow still cant believe how tired i am tonight..

but yeah..think positive...gotta remember that

things are looking down

today..tonight..its just not good. the sad feelings are so overwhelming and it feels like im suffocating under all of them..i dont want to do anything at all but just lay here and stare at nothing at all..keep playing a repetitive game on facebook because i dont have to do anything but match colors over and over and it just leaves room for thoughts to run all over my head..its tiring and i hate how the mood is so back and forth right now..one minute ok and the next almost into wanting to cut or worse..its not fair..so much worrying and thinking and wondering..ive really messed up :( :( thats what my big conclusion is..that ive just screwed up big time and now im paying for it

things are looking up

this morning i got my sister to kinda help me with getting my resume up and running..my trial for office is up and its so annoying not being able to use word or anything..and so i got her to make a couple changes and what not. she sent it back to me and i emailed my resume to 3 different places today..and you know that was going to be my job searching for this week. cas i just couldnt get rid of the thoughts that i needed to apply for something..but anyway sent out my resume to 3 places..and seriously less than 3 hours later one of them called and asked to set up an interview! i was shocked..i wasnt expecting to hear back so quickly or at all..but the lady called me..and i have an interview with her on thursday afternoon. and benefits are included after 90 days...and i think i could manage to keep my insurance i have now for a couple months or so...but yeah..its surprising and it gives me a little confidence in myself..that maybe i havent screwed up big time..

but with that can the overload in my head cas there is obviously a lot to say about this..and the need to prepare and make a good impression..which i cant do alone it seems... gosh i hope my hours will be a bit more normal...but im not getting overly exccited..i know this is just an interview..but i will try my hardest..and check out the place and everything..

well on to other things..
i finally got up and showered after being in bed all day..and well i went to the grocery store and picked up stuff for dinner...im making twice baked potatoes and baked chicken and corn on the cob :) ..tomorrow i plan to run errands..and what not..i need to get some things and pay a couple bills and all that..but really going to chill out ...

it doesnt feel like the world is going to end today. it really doesnt

nervous ...unemployment

well darn..i paid a bit more attention to the unemployment site tonight..and completely filed my claim .. like the entire thing..and i have the confirmation number and everything! and now i just wait i guess and see what is decided..but im nervous already...i mean i told the truth about why i was fired but of course now im worried about it..and wondering if i shouldnt have told the truth..but if they call and ask my job they would find out anyway..and my job said of course things would be kept confidential..but i was fired and the unemployment paperwork asked what happened...ooh i hope i didnt do something wrong

i cant do this

hi
things have been quiet today. didnt go out and ive just been tired. couldnt sleep last nght and i think i just kinda fell asleep sometime after 1am..and then i woke up at 7:30 and then took a nap for a couple hours a little while ago. i dont really know how im feeling..i dont think im really feeling anything anymore.. :box the pass couple nights been taking two of the sleep meds and still i cant sleep..:(


i am going back home on sunday..or early monday morning..just missing my space and my stuff and dusti and bounce. im nervous about leaving my sister though..cas here she is always around you know..and always checking on me..and when i go back to the apartment it will just be me..and well im afraid to be by myself i guess in some ways.

im struggling to even get words out right now..i better go :(

things kinda suck

i came to nias yesterday...she told me i needed to come and i didnt have any better ideas so i came..and it has been a distraction..but she can only be with me so much..and tonight i am feeling sad and depressed...very sad and depressed..i dont know what to do ..i know i said that i want to take a break from everything..you know..and i can do that here at nias..but the thoughts gone stop...im still thinking about the girls..about my job..about how empty my days are right now..i dont have work to worry about ..but i have every thing else to worry about ..and im stressed and not stressed all at the same time..i cant deal with looking for another job right now..and im trying to be ok with that..nia has been talking to me about jobs and school and umemployment..and its all overwhelming..but you know i know she is trying to help and she keeps it to a minimum ..but i know she is thinking about it as much as i am..and mommy is thinking about it...and im trying to move on and be brave and just let it go..but its hard..i hate it..i really do..just still at a lose..still struggling...still hurt and upset :(

the worst thing that did happen

i was fired...i made a mistake..and didnt think through giving my keys to one of the kids..and i lost my job over it..

i feel stupid..and sad..very very sad..all ive done is cry for the last 2 hours..
i wasnt allowed to say goodbye to the girls..they will think i abandoned them :'( :'( i managed to call nia and t..well t asked me to call her and let her know what happened either way..but just called my sister to call her i guess..and she told me to come to her house..and im not completely sure about it.but i think i am going. being alone is not good. all im doing is crying and having lots of really really bad thoughts. i dont know how im gonna manage anything right now..i dont feel like i can do anything but lay down and cry right now..im not allowed to go back to my job at all.. i had to give back my keys before i left..and ive already been locked out of my job email..i cant go back there at all..i guess i better start getting stuff ready so i can leave...

stupid stupid me

im ready to cry right now..am so overwhelmed and scared and worried..my supervisor tells me that she and one of the program directors need to talk to me tomorrow..and she said they had some concerns from the weekend..and i asked what it was about and she just told me that i needed to be there at 11 tomorrow..and i kept asking what i had done and she just kept shaking her head and told me that i would find out tomorrow :( what the hell?! i really for the life of me dont know what has concerned them..and im trying to think back to wait happened over the weekend and yeah i have a few things that could possibly be what its about but i just dont know..and the worry is killing me..i would have rather just have done it all today so that i wouldnt worry..but now they are making me wait..and i could very well go to work tomorrow and end up losing my job and what them ?! i have already gotten one strike against me from months ago..and what ever this is will be strike two..and ill be right back to proving that i can do my job or whatever..but i dont know..i really dont..maybe im not cut out for this type of work..and maybe i just need tof ind something else..and maybe im just thinking the worse right now and i cant help it..im trying to be rational and sane and its not working..im ready to be told t hat im fired..just like that..i mean it all sucks...and its so upsetting and frustrating and im mad...so so so mad because ive screwed up again..and im assuming heavily that my job is on the line again...and some how ill just keep messing up and this will be one more failure to add to the long list i have already ... i just need to go and hide and forget i exist

bordering on being very depressed

i am tired.
last night the overnight ppl were both late. i didnt even get to leave until after midnight. because we had to wait, because the kids could not be alone. iand it didnt help anything that i was just so tired and out of focus..driving home last night was scary. it is frustrating because of leaving so late and having to turn around and go back in the morning. im supposed to be there in a half an hour but the overnight said i could come in late. so i have maybe an hour or so, but i dont have any desire to get up and get ready for work. i want to stay in bed and sleep or do nothing, and have absolutely no one say my name. I dont get off tonight until 11 again and i have to be at work at 9 tomorrow for training. it makes me want to scream in frustration. it really does. right this minute i could care less about how much overtime i was getting. i really dont care. because i have to be at work almost all week again and it is hard when im so stressed out and anxious.

yesterday while at work i worked on my final exam for the class im in and i was stressing about it big time..like i was positive i was going to fail and like lose my job..not even joking..i wasnt understanding the questions and i was just freaking out...but i manged to get it done..and i had one of the girls helping me get the answers online last night lol..but i finished it and sent it in on time..and i got an email this morning and i only missed one question :o .. it made me happy and took off some of the stress i was feeling.

but i guess im going to get something to get and then get ready for work...

im just tired...very very tired

completely out of my comfort zone

so i have talked with t alot about you know getting out more and meeting new people and all of that..and i have lots of issues around that..cas im so quiet and its so hard for me to talk...

but the other day i was messing around on craigslist..and ran into this meetup site..and it has all sorts of meetup groups about all sorts of different interests and things...and i happened to find one for umm depression/bipolar/anxiety and joined it..and there was a meeting tonight, like a support group type thing and i actually went! barely said a word but i stayed the entire time and just kinda listened ..and ended up frustrated because i could understand and relate to a lot that was being said..but i couldnt talk :blink: well i couldnt get the words to come out..but the ppl were very nice..and tried to make me feel comfortable lol..but well me being me..that wasnt happening tonight..

but well i think im gonna go again..the meetings are every week but i can only go every other week because of work..but i really think i want to go again..

and hopefully the more i go the more at ease ill feel..cas goodness my anxiety was through the roof ..and i was fidgeting all over the place !

...

its not often i hate work

but today i did..i hated them all.. -sigh- ok not all of them..but a select few had me wanting to just go home and say forget it..i was stressed and anxious and ugh..

a bit nervous

so i was thinking today about another trip i want to take..well not a trip really its like a conference thing and its next feb ..and a friend i know online and in person is going ..and i told her that i would like to go also..cas its right at disney world and im sorry but i can not pass up a trip to anywhere near disney world lol..but i told her and i have been thinking about it since yesterday and wondering if it was a good idea..and if i should go..and all that..and once i decided to go i immediatly started to worry what mommy would say or if i would tell her...this is the first time i have ever ever in my whole life started doing things that i want to do..and started to i guess have some say in my life and where its going and suddenly that is super duper scary..im nervous about it..and i know that what im doing its mommys concern at all and that i can pick where i want to go or not go and she cant tell me yes or no..but still the worry is there..i think i want her approval..i guess..but i dont need it..and i guess thats the biggest difference right now..

and maybe seeing linda and having her tell me in the past couple weeks that i am doing a lot of stuff that im not giving myself credit for or accepting..and its hard to acknowledge the good stuff..but i guess she is right..i am doing stuff..im starting to do stuff..and it is different and nerve wrecking..big time..

guess i still have a lot to get used too!

Bounce :) :)

dentist

well made it through the dentist yesterday...crashed completely after the dentist appt...like went and the power was out you know..at the dentist office..and then like the xray machine wouldnt work right cas i was to tall..go figure...but then that worked and kinda started spazzing having so many ppl touching me..and messing with my mouth..but saw the doc..and found out that all my wisdom teeth have come in..and there is space for them..but a couple are being removed cas they have cavities..but that wont be until aug..and im going to be sedated..so worried about all that...and then it just so happened that they were able to do a teeth cleaning today too.,.like really the hygienist lady said she had an opening and i was there..and so agreed to stay and have it done...and the lady was nice but again..way to up close and personal :( almost 2 hours later i got to leave...and actually the doc said that all things considered my teeth are in good condition..and i mean i havent been to the dentist in forever! so that was cool..but then it was like i left and stopped at the pharmacy..and my energy went out the window..i was so hazy..like eyes going weird and everything was kinda hazy..and anxiety started to come and i really just wanted to go home and lay down..and i did make it home and talked to yvonne for a little bit..and then napped for a little while..and was more alert when i work up..but still kinda out of it..just worn out again..like i used up all my reserves of feeling okay to get through the dentist appt..and once i was done..i was done...but i went and its over with for now..thankfully..

yippee

i got through the work weekend without killing anyone...but today im just tired and worn out as usual..

but good news for today is that i got a new kitten :) she is tiny and gray and likes to jump.. i still havent figured out a name for her. but i will post a picture a little bit later. she is very cute. dusti is not very happy but as of now she has stopped hissing at the poor little thing. so im hoping that in time they will get along !

tomorrow i really have all of my appts and all on the same day..t..pdoc..and dentist..yuck yuck and double yuck..my wisdom teeth dont even hurt anymore..but i guess its better to go anyway and see if they will need to come out..but yeah..tomorrow is going to be busy! i dont think there will be any med changes tomorrow..i think im doing ok..but i dont know..will talk to the pdoc about it tomorrow.

i havent really decided what im going to do this weekend though..kinda want to go home just to get away from stuff and work and all that..but now with the new kitten it will be a little harder ..cas i dont know if yvonne will be around and the kitten will need to be watched .. but staying up here i know i wont do anything..but i dont really have the money to go home either..so frustrating..and i cant decide what i want to do..like i really want to get away..work killed me last week..but yeah..other stuff to consider..

there has been something ive been thinking about that mommy said to me that is really bothering me a lot..but im not sure how to write about it just yet..i thought i was ok with it ..but i keep thinking about it and worrying about it and so i guess it really is bothering me :( blah

oh i went and bought a umm mini grill and a weedeater thing today..and spent my afternoon getting rid of the weeds in the back patio area and it does look better..but goodness it was hard..harder this time than the first time i did it but i dont know why...but i figured it was things i needed you know..for the future too..yeah prolly shouldnt have spent the money ...but yeah..cant do anything about it now and i guess i am a little proud of myself for getting out there and actually doing it..i still have to set up the grill and all that..but i may wait on that..im not to interested in grilling out anymore lol..but i have it!

overwhelmed...

if anyone else says my name or asks me for anything i really think i may cry :( am just very very overwhelmed from worrk this weekend..its been way more stressful than usual and i feel all out of sorts..like just drained and worn out ..and i just want to sleep and sleep and sleep..im tired..im tired of hearing my name..and darn it im tired of everyone needing something from me every 5 seconds..

really feel the need to just disappear next week

small steps

welp i managed to find some motivation last night and actually cleaned my room. i can see the floor again and things are in order and that does make me feel calmer and more settled. i had just been putting it off and putting it off and finally just did it...and this morning ive been working on getting laundry worked on..and managed to get 2 loads finished and one half done.and now i just gotta work on sheets and stuff..and hopefully ill be caught up by next week! but now i gotta get ready for work..yay...NOT..but nah its not so bad

other randomness

i think the last med increase has helped chill out my anxiety...a lot..like im in neutral with almost everything..im not feeling stressed or on edge or anything..im just kinda chill all the time now..and sometimes it bothers me..and sometimes it doesnt..i mean goodness im on 150mg of effexor now..and i think it can only be raised one more time..but between that and the lexapro i think im managing..i mean im not suicidal and all that so i guess i am alright. but i see the psych doc next week so we will talk about it more then im guessing..the only real side effect is that im hot all the time..like really really hot and sweating..ugh its so gross..and i have such issues with controlling my body temp these days..but yeah..im guessing its manageable in the end..it could have been a lot worse side effect wise..im still kinda unmotivated at times..but when i know i have to go to work i can of course pull myself together and get things done..but when im off and stuff..i kinda just dont do anything..or it take forever for me to talk myself into getting out of the house and stuff..

i also have an appt to go to the dentist next week. to talk about my wisdom teeth..and i have to set up an appt for like the general teeth care..cas well i think ive screwed up one of my top teeth but im not sure..and my wisdom teeth dont hurt anymore..well the one that came in doesnt hurt anymore..but i cant tell if its pushed all the way out or not..so dentist is a good first step..next tuesday will be super busy!

im also getting a kitten next week..on monday...all ive decided on so far is her name lol..im naming her wednesday :) i think its so cute..i talked to nia about it this morning and she told me i should name the kitten lint! but nah lol..lint would be going a bit overboard since i already have dusti and her name is one of a kind :) but i am very excited about the kitten. i am talking to a lady who has some kittens she is planning on giving away and i hope it doesnt fall through! but i talked to my therapist about it to and she told me that she thought it was a good idea ! and that the kitten would keep me busy. i told mommy about it to and i told her that i would have to bring the kitten home with me if i was home over the holidays and stuff. and she said ok.

but yeah..i think..i guess things are alright in an overall since..things are still super weird with yvonne..so that one is really just kinda hard to manage i guess..and she is still leaving..but yeah

completely random sidenote..mommy told me i sounded happy the other day..weird!

goodness..so much is going on!

so i had a training yesterday on boundaries at work. and it was pretty interesting you know..i mean yeah they made the mistake of feeding us and then lecturing for 3 hours but hey you cant win them all lol. but yeah realized that my boundaries are better but there is still room for improvement. and for some reason my boundaries with the girls kinda depends on the girl. like i have that hugs me 2 or 3 times a day, and sometimes she just kinda stands next to me and i have my arm around her..and i get the feeling that she needs that connection you know..and i dont mind having her close to me or letting her hug me or something..but of course i never like go to them for hugs or anything..and then i have some that dont like hugs at all..and some that ask for hugs..and some that just kinda randomly touch my arm or something.. but i would never be like that with adults you know...its fine with the girls but not with anyone else really. but today i asked to be a goal buddy to one of the new girls..bcause both of the goal buddys i have now will be leaving soon..and i really find the new girl very likable..but the kid told me tonight that she was very happy that i was her goal buddy because i made her laugh and she liked me. and i guess it just made me feel needed..and wanted..and that is a nice thing. i also had another girl tell me she loved me today..completely innocent you know..and she told me to never forget that i was special..shocked me to say the least..because im not looking for stuff like that from these kids..i know they have there own stuff to deal with and i can only be there to help and support and teach..but some of them do surprise with with there sincerness at times.

hmm today has been..gosh today has been a day of nothingness...seriously..i got up..played online..did some stuff for mommy online, napped, watched tv, started laundry, and seriously thats been my day...i was so worn out this morning! it was not funny..well i fell asleep on the floor last night..and yvonne scared the crap out of me in the middle of the night..cas she was supposed to be out of town..but she left something and it was like 3 in the morning i just kinda get the feeling that someone is near me.and she is there and yeah..super creeped..but a little while after that i got up and went to bed..and then i got up this morning and just didnt have energy to do anything..and i know with this being my long week i have to prepare myself for working the weekend..but i guess i just feel like i should have done more or something..i dont know..

still feeling tired though..not completely ready for the weekend but it should be ok..im hoping it will be ok!

so whats going on...

well therapy and pdoc this week were helpful...meds went up again..and trying to deal with all that..feeling extra tired and im hoping that will pass quickly..seriously i think i may take a nap at work if im only with one girl..and then tonight im leaving straight from work to drive home..cas of henrys graduation..so yeah...

hmm trying hard to stay positive and focused.taking things a day at a time. but still really stressed out and anxious and just trying to hide it.

struggling ...just with everything

is it written somewhere that this is the month were everything possible has to happen?! have i somehow wronged the universe and this is all just payback for something that i screwed up and dont remember doing

:( my shift partner is leaving..she accepted a new job..and is putting in her two week notice today...im shocked and really wanting to cry about it .. we worked well together..we got along..im worried and scared..very worried

just feeling like things keep happening and its all out of control .. dont know what to do..feel very sad and unsafe and worried...stressed to the max right now about everything..and now yvonne isnt going with me this weekend and ill have to take that long drive by myself.and mommy is all worried . and shes asking if ill come home after the graduation and i cant decide anything. i odnt know what to say or do or anything right now. talked to the nurse at work today and she looked in my mouth and told me that teeth are coming in at the back..and so my wisdom teeth are coming in and it just hurts and its a pain eating and drinking or doing anything right now that involves face muscles..so have to go to the doc tomorrow. and have to go before t and pdoc tomorrow and that means getting up early and ..really just want to stay in bed and hide..




really want to cut ..thats all we want right now is to be able to just forget all this mess for a little while..just a little peace and quiet ..and the more out of control all this other stuff feels the more cutting looks better and better..cas it helps..because it can be controlled in the mess of all this out of control stuff..cant do this..really really cant

last night was not good

And so tonight everything just kinda came crashing down. I feel very very sad and broken. This is depressing, im depressing. Actually I guess it would be more than even depressed because I think for a little while tonight I was almost suicidal again. Im sad I cut but im upset because I stopped. I didn’t want to stop. I never wanted to cut. I wanted to stop thinking and I liked it. I always forget that part of me really likes cutting and it does make me feel better. It makes me tired and gives me a little bit of quiet..why do I even want to die again. I don’t think its so much wanting to die as it is just wanting to make things stop. There is way to much going on, and it is very overwhelming and stressful. Im trying to deal with it but its not working and I tried to listen to Yvonne and hear what she was saying. Nothing has changed though, and so it took a while but I realize now that what I have missed in all of this is my need to blame someone and that became blaming me. It felt like I was just waiting for something to blame myself for so that I could have a reason to just yell and be mean to myself. I wanted it in a way. I wanted to hurt, and the more I was mad and telling myself I was stupid and all of this is my fault the more it made sense to cut. That was the next stop, because of course it got way out of hand before I managed to realize I needed to stop. Then the only thing that could get it to stop was cutting. I wrote some, I made myself get up and walk around when I realized I was getting really anxious. I worked on a collage and nothing helped. None of it did. Now im just sad, and trying not to cry. I was really very angry earlier, and now its all just sad feelings. Im not angry anymore at all, just tired. I don’t like what is going on or how things are playing out. It just makes me anxious all the time. And if I had been paying attention I would have realized something like tonight was going to happen. I wasn’t paying attention though and was thinking I was fine and dealing with everything. I guess saying im a liar would be going a bit far, but I don’t care. I just hate all of this, I hate having to struggle so much with everything.
Today im still feeling really out of it. I don’t feel good, and im sad. Very very sad, the thoughts well the negative ones anyway just wont stop. Im stupid for just about every possible reason today and ive only been up for like an hour. I just want to stay inside today and not do anything..but I know that is not a good idea and so im forcing myself to stick to my plan of going to the movies. I have to because if I don’t ill just stay inside and not be okay. I can go to the movies and not be ok and I guess that’s a little better..i guess im a little worried about work this week, when im feeling so down and my mouth hurts..not thrilled about having to go to the doc this week. Id rather not but well I have to because im not sure if its my wisdom teeth coming in or something else. I feel like im falling apart in every way possible right now, and that is depressing.

very frustrated

im trying . hard to stay positive but it is taking a lot of effort to manage that..trying to do one thing at a time..and i know that today i have to go and talk to the office here and see if i can move my part of the lease to a one bed room..and if not then ill know i do need to start looking for a new place to live...but the first option would be trying to stay in this apartment complex..and i talked to both mommy and nia last night about it..and i think it does make me feel better that you guys and they are on my side i guess..and upset with me about the whole thing..it helps me see that im not overreacting i guess..but mommy also said that she would help me money wise if i needed it..and i would rather that didnt happen..but i dont know..and not knowing makes me anxious..

when yvonne was explaining it all to me yesterday she said that she would you know help me find another place and all that...but im not sure i want her help at all right now..and she said she is going to talk to the office..but i know that if i wait for her it may be a while before she goes and i dont have time to wait for her...so im going to see about my part and what happens if the lease is broken..i want to here it from the ppl in charge i guess...but if there are fees or something then no im not paying it..yvonne said that she wouldnt be able to pay rent here and where ever she moved too...so i really do not think i will be able to stay in the 2 bedroom..even with help..well let me change that..staying in the two bedroom would limit me being able to do anything at all except pay bills and i wouldnt be able to afford al of them...and the one bedroom is still going to really push the limits i guess when it comes to money...and im just worried..there is no time to even start putting money aside to cover moving costs or deposits or any of that kinda stuff ..if it came to moving to a completely new apart complex..did i mention im massively frustrated :censor and im mad mad mad that she told me when i asked her that she may not be going to ny and asked if i would consider changing it to a different date...and i really really just ugh i hate it...the whole point of going was because it would be my birthday..and changing it to over the holidays would be kinda not ok..cas of work and going home and all of that..and i dont really want to go then..i want to go in september..and she knows this..ive talked about it for months....i dont want to change my plans i dont .. am i being mean or selfish if i go without her?.. i dont know

im very glad that i have t today..can feel the thoughts getting very very not ok

last night was not a good night at work at all
i really dont want to go to work today

.....

today has been pretty chill...like really..ivve just been in a pretty neutral mood all day..some up and down moments but they were short lived...im slightly frustrated with the cable but im just trying to keep calm and calling the cable place to see about getting it fixed some how...its just being weird and not working..and its frustrating cas i just had to pay a heck of a lot of money to have it put in..so darnit it needs to work!

but the evening got away from me and i wasnt feeling good and was just reading and resting and well 3 hours later i realize that hmm i kinda need to get up lol...so of course i get up and come to the computer lol..i am about to go and clean up my stuff from dinner and then maybe head to bed..since it is almost 10 right now..the day has gone by fairly quickly

hmmm

yesterday was hard..therapy was hard t was very very hard today. :( we are feeling very sad and not connected..not contained it what it was earlier..like being outside was hard cas i thought i was going to fly apart..

very upset with t for being so understanding..she didint yell at me for cutting or isolating so much this past weekend...she did ask me to work on not cutting and not isolating..and she said it was good that i was working this weekend...we spent particularly the entire time talking about yvonne leaving and how i was feeling..and really it was to the point that i was biting my lip to keep from crying..but i think she could tell i was really beyond being ok..and she asked what i needed before i left and i couldnt tell her that i just wanted reassurance and well maybe a hug..i told her i didnt know and asked her what she wanted to tell me..and she went off and listened all this stuff she wanted me to know..and it did help..but made me want to cry even more..and then i had to go to work after i left her..and tried hard to pull myself together..but didnt do such a good job of it..and was crying in the car when i got to work..and just kept my sunglasses on for as long as i could..i was quiet and to myself..and really did take a while before i left more able to particpate..like the need the be quiet and still is really strong right now..i want to isolate so so very much..i want to be alone..and im at work where that cant really happen :(...i just need to think..without interruptions..and im afraid if i think at home it will not end well..but i have to do something because there are to many thoughts in my head..i cant process it all... :snoopy just made me realize that we are far from dealing with all of this..very far..because talking about it just ppulled all the hurt and sad and angry feelings back up..and well if i got to the point of crying then yeah there is still a lot to deal with...

well i wrote that yesterday

today just feeling tired..but i got internet and cable hooked up today and that does mamke me feel a lot better...i have missed it lol..

but just feeling a little quiet and to myself today..not in isolation mode..but just kinda alright being alone today..

thoughts from today..and well the past few days

really am struggling to deal with all of this...im upset and sad..and it doesnt seem to be going anywhere at all..i dont know what to do at all..im trying hard to think more logically and rational today..im trying to get myself to answer and identify what it is i need to do to make this work..and that scares me..all of it scares me...i feel like im going to fail again and end up going home..maybe thats what the big part of it is that im afraid to look at...failing and needing mommy to bail me out of trouble again..or some how convince me to come home..but i keep reminding myself that i have a job here..i have a reg paycheck here..and thats how i need for it to stay..i need to depend on myself...i need to be able to keep up with my bills and take care of myself and make this work...im an adult ..not a child..i can take care of myself when i have to..now it not the time for me to break down..because that is all mommy needs to start telling me that i cant do this and that i need to move home...im not going to tell her yet anyway..maybe ill wait until over the summer before telling her...i decided today that over the summer ill have to find a part time job..because it will be a lot more expensive living on my own...but i think im done with roommates...this time around with yvonne has been really disappointing and its been more like living on my own than with a roommate..and i think that maybe thats just what i need to do..and find a place that i like and can call my own for a while..because darnit i hate moving..i hate things changing..i really really do..and now i have to change things again..and the not knowing if its going to be a good or bad change wears on me...

i have yet to talk to yvonne...i have spoken to her once in the past 4 days..she has yet to come and tell me what is really going on...and its disappointing that still im the last on her list to talk to..cas she just assumes ill be there i guess..she is the cause of turning my world upside down and she doesnt even stick around long enough to talk to me about it..she has asked once and that was well four days ago..and i told her i wasnt ready to talk and i wasnt..but then i havent seen her and its like well .. ok..i get tired of waiting for her to remember me...of waiting for her to remember that she is supposed to live here too...i guess im just feeling very very betrayed by her..like she is becoming like everyone else who lets me down..she needed me when it was convenient for her..she got me here..and then i just wasnt as important anymore .. i wasnt needed anymore because i was here and not going anywhere..and its hard to think like that...but it feels true..i may be wrong..i may not be..but im going on how it has been living with her the past 6 months ... she is never around..and then she comes in and buys me stuff and then apologizes for being a bad roommate and she promises to be around more..and nothing changes..she is not here..and thats all there is to it..and more often than not when she is here she has company..so what am i supposed to think? how am i supposed to act? maybe i do need to step away and just have to depend on myself for a while..maybe i need to prove to myself that i can make it on my own..and that living alone is not the end of the world ..

this is kinda what i asked myself this morning to help bring order to my head...i think there are still questions i need to ask myself but i dont know what they are yet ...
What is the situation ?
• Yvonne is moving
What does that mean for you ?
• Im going to have to move because I cant afford the two bedroom alone
What are your options
• I can stay in va and try to make it living by myself
• I can move back home and try to stay safe
• I can move somewhere else and start over….again
Of the 3, which do you prefer?
• Staying in va because I like it here, because I have a job, and docs, because im managing and am ok here, and I have friends here
What are you going to have to do inorder to make staying possible?
• Im going to have to start looking for an apartment
• Im going to have to start saving so I can afford to move
• Over the summer I may have to find a part time job
• Everything is going to have to be put on hold once the summer is over because of moving and making sure I can afford everything

i guess thats a step in the right direction..but im not sure either..but i think i better get my mind on something else for a while because i can feel that im starting to get overwhelmed by all this again

just... i dont know

i want to shut down. i want to just stop thinking and worrying about everything right now. its overwhelming and stresses me out ..i am stressed and i dont know what to do at all. yvonne is leaving in september. which means ill have to figure out what im going to do..im getting slightly paranoid thinking that ill be forced or tricked into going back home..i dont want to go home..ill kill myself if i go home again..but staying here isnt going to work out either..well not staying in this apartment..and that means moving and moving is just overwhelming by its self and i always freak out and just have a hard time handling stuff when i have to deal with moving and packing and everything. i cant do it..its not even happening until sept and already i feel like my world has come crashing down..and im upset..very very upset and i keep pushing all those feelings away..yvonne spent all the time to convince me to come here and i do and then shes not even around..and now shes leaving..and i can understand the reasons behind it...but right now it feels like she just did everything for her benefit and i just went along with it..and now im stuck...and she told me the other night that we needed to figure out what to do about me ..and that makes me mad to because i can take care of myself and i dont need anyone doing anything for me..because ill do whatever i have to do in the end..but i dont need anyone feeling obligated to 'take care of me'. im not a child. i just cant think because upset feelings get in the way..and i get caught up thinking that ill have to go home..it feels like i just moved and now now i have to look at moving again..i have to figure out how its all going to work out..and i dont know how it is..staying in the apartment i have now is not going to work money wise..without a roommate.. and im not all that sure about living with someone i dont know...moving into a 1 bedroom would take a lot of planning and budgeting because up here most 1 bedrooms are almost $600..and im sure i could find some a little cheaper but well safety and all that becomes an issue and i dont want to live in a crappy apartment and not feel safe there if i have to pay for it..and that is just a lot of money..and im just feeling lostand alone and all out of sorts because i cant figure any of it out.. i told nia what was going on but not mommy..but she will have to know soon enough i guess..but i dont know how to tell her because i know she will ask if im moving home..and i dont have an answer for that yet..i dont want to get guilted into it..i dont want to go home..and no matter how much i keep saying it i still cant convince myself that it wont happen..i dont trust myself to stay calm and rational when talking to her..and so im stuck..i feel like i need to figure this all out now. i need to know what is going to happen and how im going to do things..and its to early to figure it out..and i cant let it go..im worrying and thinking about it all non stop because i need for it to work out..and i dont know if it will..
cut yesterday
and i plan on canceling t for next week..partly because im in training and im not sure about going in late..and that is bothering me..and partly because i dont want to talk to anyone..i dont even want to talk to yvonne right now..and i know it will lead to me just isolating big time this weekend..not that i had plans anyway but i just want to be alone and quiet..and i guess i want a little more time before i have to admit to cutting again..but i know i will be all over the place from missing a session..i dont think ive missed a week since i started with this linda..and theres a lot going on and so it may not be my best idea in the world..but for now i havent canceled it yet..so i dont know..no desire to go right now but that could change over the weekend.

crowded

saw t yesterday and im frustrated...i mean i wasnt feeling good and i know talking to her yesterday was just confusing because i couldnt manage to think and make sense of anything..and it was fine going but its starting to feel like im not doing anything in therapy..and that bothers me a lot..becuase i know its my fault..and that i can try harder to talk to her and talk about stuff..but i hardly ever do..and then half the time i forget what i even talked about..or i dont remember what ive said..and its frustrating..last night i was thinking about it and i dont know..its just very frustrating..

and i think im gonna have to cancel t for next week because im in training and i dont like that at all..but its to stressful trying to figure it all out..and i dont know what to do..i can be late for the training i guess but that wouldnt make a good impression at all..but i dont want to miss t either..its just bothering me a lot right now..and i cant figure out what to do about it at all..

actually had dinner with yvonne last night..and she apologized for being a bad roommate and friend..and she told me some that is going on with her..and well the possibility of her moving to where her grandmother is if her grandfather passes away..he has cancer and the chemo is really not going well..and so she is worried and its not looking good..and so in everything the chance of being here without her is on mind and worrying me...no im positive that whatever happened i would stay here ...in va..and just figure out what i wanted to do..school or work..i would not move back home...i cant do that..but i dont know...we are going to be moving though in sept/october...because the maintenance here is not good...my freaking ceiling is leaking and they wont fix our door...so yeah...going to start looking for a better place to live..

just so much going on in my head and imm not feeling good and so its all even more overwhelming and frustrating.. :

sick

allergies..and sinus issues are really getting to me the past few days...i spent the weekend at work and feeling so sick and out of it..i couldnt call out sick..and so i went in and had to force myself to focus..today im trying to relax since im off..but im still feeling really miserable..

struggling with med changes

today has been up and down..which im learning more about now as its kinda bed time...i feel like its bed time..and have felt that way for about an hour or so but struggling to just stay awake...its like im getting bouts of energy and then it kinda goes away and i feel so so tired..and then a bit later i feel more energized again..and its back and forth..its weird..and im guessing its just me getting used to the meds but its hard cas im expected to be awake and all that for work...but i managed to run errands and even got stuff put away before i had to lay down and take a break..and then i had to get up when oompaa came over..and i was alright..we got the yard started..and then went to dinner..but once dinner was done it was like a steady fizzing out..and i just didnt have the energy to do anything else..and so i came in..and have spent the time just laying down..trying to sleep and then trying to not sleep.. im really hoping all this will pass..i mean really am feeling more better than yesterday..but still some struggles...but going to go back to laying down now