not with it today

yep its going to be a busy week at work i think..and well it didnt help matters at all that we came to work and the power was out in all of the cottages! its frustrating because well we cant do anything at all..and well cant cook or do the online paperwork right now so we are kinda just stuck...and its soooo boring..i almost fell asleep on the couch waiting for it to get to 3 so we could go and get the girls from school! am still feelings pretty tired though..

well had t this morning and did talk some a bout the wanting to cut, and attention and need and all that..and i kept losing focus with her...shutting down kinda..and well she could tell and would get my attention again..but then she would start talking and asking questions again and it would happen all over again...and i tried to talk to her about it..but i couldnt really explain the 'going away' or what was happening..and it was upsetting and hard..and i was working to keep things under control and not completely lose it cas i refuse to do that..and losing control would be directly related to letting the anger really come out and thats something that i just can not deal with or let happen..i just cant but just having trouble with staying focused today...feeling a little off and on edge..but managing...im really hoping work will be fairly low stress today cas well we cant stay in the cottage..so yeah...and then saw the pdoc and i think im still a little upset with her for telling me that theres a chance she may transfer me to someone else..and well i of course turned it into she doesnt want to work with me anymore..and i wasnt ok with that at all..but then well i told t and t talked to her about it and so its ok now..but we will see..i may just refuse to see anyone else..but i know that change would not go over well at all..but with the meds no changes except increases the effexor which i wanted anyway...and she did mention that maybe i cshould consider spliting up the lexapro and take half in the morning and half at night to kinda help level out the fatique..but i dont know about that yet..cas im so used to taking it all at once in the morning and that im ok with..but i am more tired..and some of that may also be related to the fact that this weekend and this being the long week at work is draining my engery big time..and its just taking me some time to regroup and deal with it all...and i was reading online about the side effects of the effexor and im really thinking i need to get my eating in order and im gonna have to really work hard at staying a bit active..cas of course one of the side effects is weight gain..and i dont think it was a big issue before..but im most certainly not making it any better!...so just some things i need to keep an eye on and of course any other weird things that may happen cas of the dose going up...

but just trying to deal with the day and make it to thrusday.so that we can get a break from it all..just for a little while...i know this weekend will be weird a bit because my shift partner wont be here friday or saturday and so the other shift is trading in those days ..so ill be working with one that im not completely comfortable with..and one that im semi ok with those two days...so a little worried but i think it will be ok..i hope it will be ok but yeah guess thats all.

back to not ok

I need to write before I forget this. im struggling tonight with being safe and making good choices..I know I am..and im also feeling perfectly okay with making very bad choices tonight just for the outcome..I realized today that I wanted attention..on the drive back to va I started thinking that I really wanted attention and that I didn’t know how to get it..except if I did something bad..and then I would have loads of attention..I just wanted to be noticed..talked to I guess…just being at home lleaves me feeling very depressed and detached and alone..and being at home with mommy does not get my needs met at all..I don’t know what my needs are exactly but they just arent being met..I don’t feel needed or important at home and so its just hard being there..and I struggled last night to while at home..but I still havent cut…im waiting to cut..I want to..well kinda..I have a whole list of things that I can do to get some attention..and im assuming the attention is going to come from linda because she is the only person I would tell about it…but I want her to be mad at me..I want her to yell at me..I want a reason to just keep cutting..it wouldn’t be the same if she just wasn’t mad..I want her to be mad..I want her to react..I just want her to do something..and I don’t think I really know what it is..I keep thinking I want attention..but I don’t know how to ask for it..except to do something I shouldn’t do..and it bothers me that im okay with that…that I would cut just so that I would have to tell her..just so that she would be concerned and care and make sure I was ok.. L it confuses me because I don’t cut for the attention at all…I would hide the scars from everyone else..but I don’t know..I just want something and im not sure how to go about getting it..

I also realized that I don’t live at home anymore today…I know it took a while..6 months to be exact..but that’s what else I was thinking about kinda off and on this weekend..the fact that I don’t live at home..all my stuff is gone..I have to ask mommy if I need anything..I really truly don’t live there anymore..and that is scary too..

the scars
im trying towrite..I want to cut..or cry..both things that just bother me a lot..im struggling to keep myself together..but the sudden warm weather is really getting to me..and im having a hard hard time dealing with it..and the scars..I want to be normal and im not..ill never ever fit in..because ill always have to make sure im being careful..I always have to be careful…im sad..no im past just being sad..I don’t know what I am..im hurt and just cant focus..im not ashamed of myself..im ashamed of the scars..and that they will never go away…and ill never be able to do anything like anyone else..I don’t want the scars..I want them to go away..and they wont..and all the overwhelming feelings make me want to cut even more..wanting attention aside..I want the tears to stop..its not often that I cry about the scars or cutting or anything..but this week it has really been constantly on my mind..and I know I should just kinda let the feelings happen and all that but I cant..they scare me because they are so overwhelming..all the yelling and negative thoughts are to much to deal with…I don’t want to deal with any of it…

im home
im depressed
what else is new :(

really struggling to deal with the fact that the weather is warming up and i cant relax or be comfortable because of the scars...i hate it..i want to be like everyone else and go swimming and have fun and i cant..cas im always worried..its not fair..and im not happy right now at all..

have been home since friday but im hoping to be heading back to va in a couple hours..need to get away

worn out

well im struggling to focus and get stuff done to go home...obviously im not doing so hot if im still laying down messing with the computer..but i needed to check some things before i left and well then i had to write..and well here i am...again not doing a darn thing worth talking about...this has been a really really off week..

yesterday at work really did wear me out..i was asked to come in early and i did..and then i ended up having to do all the paper work from last night and ended up staying an extra hour and still didnt get it all finished and so i brought it home with me...i was literally about to fall asleep on the couch with all the paperwork on the floor..and the overnigiht staff finally told me to just go home and take the ones i hadnt finished with me..but that i would need to have them back by sunday..which i was like ok..cas it gives me a reason to come back on sunday at a reasonable hour..i do have to take them back though cas i dont want to be in trouble for taking them with me! but ill deal with it...and then earlier that day one of the girls pushed over the grill that we had usedd to cook on and the grass started burning! which was really scary..but we got it taken care of and put out and all that..but then the girl walked away and i had to follow her..and we ended up walking in the rain and i got soaked and that just kinda killed my mood...i wasnt mad at her..just mad at the situation..cas i had to walk around in wet clothes for like 4 hours! no i was not happy..and then there was a mix up with communication with the relief person i was working with last night..and one of the girls ended up walking outside at night..and when i found out about it..it was like darnit shes not supposed to be out there at night..and i had the relief person go and get her...but then she spent a couple minutes walking with one of the boys..and its was like holy crap im gonna be in so much trouble for this :unsure: and so im just worried about what is going to happen about that..i mean yes it was a mistake..and no i didnt do it..but im afraid ill be held responsible and lose my job ..and all that..its frustrating..but i called my supervisor last night and told her about it..so that it wasnt like i was trying to hide it or something...so i guess i did what i could and now i just have to wait and see..but its just worrying me a lot.. :snoopy

but trying to let it go i guess for now..if anything happens it wont be until monday when i go back to work..so yeah..

not really feeling good right now..i think its just a mix of everything..and then random cramps and allergies and everything just happens at once..i cant say im to interested in taking that 4 hour drive home..im really not..but im hoping ill be up and moving and out of the house by 1 at the latest..so that gives me a little time to run around and clean up some before leaving..cas things are a mess right now..and i havent packed or anything..im just tired and worn out..maybe getting away will be good..i dont know..


i see the pdoc next week though..i think im going to ask her if she can go up on the effexor and maybe the trazodone..but im not sure yet about the trazodone..i dont know why im back to not sleeping and being so tired..and its just been within the last week that its been happening again..so im not sure..but yeah..guess i better start moving or something..

hard night

have really really been wanting to write today..so many thoughts in the head today..the need for quiet and stillness is strong..and i guess its because there is so much chaos inside..not even the work chaos bothered me today..well there wasnt a lot of it but my mind was not in work...i kept going to sit outside because it was quiet..calm..still..i realized there is worry and anxiety and it all has to do with going home..now that we have decided to actually go the worry is setting in..and im scared..well not scared just anxious..im still afraid to go home..even now im still afraid..always afraid to go home..even for just a couple days..i feel small and so so alone..it gives me a headache..actually this week i cant seem to get rid of my headache..the sadness creeps in and takes over and i dont know what to do about it...my sister has pneumonia..and so i feel like i have to go home now even more to check on her and see her and make sure she is ok..there is not enough quiet...its bothering me that i cant have quiet..and that makes me think of stupid things to do to reach that level of oblivion..where nothing matters and everything is ok..it would be so easy to just say screw it and cut..but that cant happen..i dont want it to happen..but i just dont know..

bad things

had a hard night.. couldnt sleep but was so so so tired...was up until after 2 i think..and then there were thhunder storms that got me up again..and had trouble relaxing enough to go to sleep..and now im up again..and im still tired..

really anxious about t today..cas going to have to tell her about yesterday..feel guilty not telling her..and i just dont feel good right now..i still dont want to do anything at all..and have been talking about it some ..and it wasnt as much of an accident as i first thought..which makes it worse..i guess..i dont know..its just all messed up..and the effects are ones that werent counted on..guess its safe to say i know that i cant go up any higher on the lexapro because i cant function with it any higher..worried t is going to be mad at me..for doing it..

just really disappointed and sad from shopping today :(
thats all

lots of thoughts

i couldnt sleep last night..and so im up already..i want to sleep...im so tired..but still im awake..i think there is just stuff bothering me and its starting to get the best of me..im really very jealous right now..of everyone else..i feel like i dont fit in anywhere..i never have so what would make now any different..im upset that i cant manage to make friends or talk to people..and i try to make myself feel better and say that it doesnt bother me when it really does :( i hate this..i hate not being able to relate to the people i work with..i can relate to the kids..i wish i didnt relate to the kids so much..i want to be ...i just dont know what i want to be..who i want to be..i just feel like this is something im overreacting to..why should it matter you know who my shift partner is friends with..it shouldnt bother me so much that she has taken to the people we work with more than i have..but ive started comparing myself to her..i want to be like her..i want to be talkative and happy and just good...and im not..and that upsets me...

i was talking to one of the girls yesterday..and we were sitting outside ..just the two of us..and i was listening to her talk..and as i was responding to some things she said i just told her about something i had said to my therapist.and told her that i had been in therapy for a long time and that i was just getting to the point of accepting that...and it was one of those 'right moment' kinda things..because she is one that i can see really improving and moving on and having a life...i want to see her move on and succeed i really truly do...because i just know she can.. in talking with her i realized that i dont want my past to define who i am anymore...im not a victim, im not a child..im just me..with all my faults and umm not faults..and i have to make do with me..which is something that im really struggling with..but more noticeably now..cas well i dont know..it just is..

im feeling down today..i wantt to pull in on myself..shut everyone else out..i want to be quiet and alone..very very alone..because once i figure out that im feeling jealous i just want to do bad things..because being jealous is not a good thing to feel..

well since im up i may as well do something productive..but really i just want to lay in bed and feel sorry for myself..im useless..hmm yeah i better stop writing because the words and feelings are just getting really negative :(

a lot of different thoughts..

today has been ok so far but im drifting and i know i am..i have such a headache..and i know its because work ..well the team meeting today was really triggering...because the new girl is an active cutter and actively suicidal and so talking about it and well listening to it being talked about ..just kinda caused a reaction..and its been so good lately you know..no cutting or anything..and now its like the urge is really really big and it makes me nervous..did wear a short sleeved shirt today but have been keeping a jacket on all day because today the scars are shameful and sad..and no one here has really asked me about them..and i guess on some level the therapist and them could prolly figure it out..but i dont want to just go and make it super easy for them :( ...because im sure me actively cutting would make me lose my job or there would be a whole lot of extra stuff placed on me to make sure i was getting 'help'..and i dont want that..and yeah my cutting...our cutting is way more serious that the girls here do or have done..and they really dont know how bad cutting can be..but i do ..and it is not something i want to talk about with the girls or have it implied or anything..because i know eventually there will be a girl who does ask about the cuts..and i dont know what to say...i have mentioned to some of the girls that i just had a hard time growing up and left it at that..but i dont know..its just hard..and i wish the headache would go away...i just kinda want to go home... i dont think im feeling very grounded at all right now..im not in panic mode..but feeling a bit on edge and off...
i didnt cut...do believe the urge is still there but its not as strong right now...its going to take some getting used to with the new girl..but will have to figure out something...

feeling really confused about a work relationship..and im not sure what it is i wants from it..it confuses and embarrasses me a lot

but ran a few errands this morning..and trying to stay on top of laundry..and making sure i get it done today..but i just kinda want to go back to sleep cas i feel like ive been up for forever and its still barely 11..

dont think i will be doing much today..not really liking the warmer weather...its so hard finding tshirts that are long enough :(

but anyway..guess thats all..kinda rambling i think

im doing ok

all things considered im actually doing ok...ive gotten over my inital panic from last week of feeling 'to' okay. i saw linda today and well i actually told her that she needed to stop helping me..and after she got a laugh out of it she asked what i meant and that i had asked a very loaded question...at first i was just upset..well from last week..i was upset that i was feeling better..calmer ..not as depressed..and then i was worried cas i started thinking that i was ok and nothing was bothering me and so i didnt need therapy anymore..and after today well i know thats not true. linda told me that yes i was making a lot of progress but that i had a long way to go still..and i guess that calmed me down in a way..cas i was thinking that if i wasnt in crisis then i didnt need therapy anymore and i dont know how to 'be' without therapy..i need her and so the thought of being better was just really bothering me a lot...but after talking about it i guess im feeling better...i know i can get through the week at least..and this is my busy week with work..and we now have 10 girls!! i think im gonna end up with gray hair and i dont even need my own kids to make it happen! haha kinda funny..

struggling with whether or not i want to go home in next weekend..i dont want to ..but i may end up at home..and then i wont have to worry about going home for like a month or so...but i dont know..i really just want to stay here cas in all honesty i cant really afford to go home...not if im supposed to be saving for the cruise and everything..and then getting to henrys graduation..and yeah ..lots of money i dont have ...but im managing..again ..no idea how i am..but i am

nothing thrilling

well we are getting a new girl in the group today...and we will have 10...i think i may go crazy!! .. good grief its going to be wild in the cottage...but i guess we will manage lol...gosh 10 girls again..crazy!

hmmm feeling kinda blahish today...i dont think im feeling good but im not sure .. weird dreams last night..but not scary..just kinda weird..i keep saying i need to go to the store and i dont want to..which makes me realize im isolating for some odd reason..and i dont know why just feeling quiet and i dont know..im glad i dont have to work today though...i have to go to bed early tonight because i have t tomorrow super early in the morning..like painfully early in the morning lol..and im hoping ill be alert or something when i go..i do want to see her..so thats good at least...

hmm made a really good taco salad last night for dinner...maybe ill have the rest for breakfast lol

heads moving really slow right now..and i dont feel like im really saying anything important so ill stop for now ..

things are just to different

today has been hard on some different levels...had t this morning before work and i really need to stop seeing her before work ..but its like we talked about family history..kinda going over what i remember and what i know type things..names and places...which in a sense is ok because its not like im calling names or revealing anything..but at the same time its not really okay either..cas once i start with all the easy stuff then the hard stuff will start slipping in..and still im not reacting as badly as i normally do..or how i have reacted in the past..and i think that is the part of it that is confusing me the most..its like im just waiting to see what is going to happen..how far she can go before she meets real resistance and refusal...she asked about being disciplined as a kid and i shut down really fast..she told me i shut down..i had all these thoughts going through my head and i could say them and i just kinda started drifting away...i asked her to change the subject...and we just kinda skipped it..but she let me know that that wouldnt be the end of it either...and im not real sure about that either..but i guess ill see..i cant do anything but wait..i know nothing real hard was figured out from what i told her today..but still im a little bit nervous...but thats it..and i dont know...i think im more nervous 'waiting' for the reaction to happen..waiting for something to happen....im waiting for all the upset feelings..for all the no breaking the rules feelings..and its not happening..and i dont know why...it bothers me that im not in 'crisis' all the time..that i cant ask for support or anything because theres nothing wrong with me..feeling ok makes me wonder why i need therapy or anything at all..i dont know

not much going on

have been feeling really quiet lately...the weekend was hard and super tiring and i still feel a bit tired but a lot less stressed..enjoyed my days off actually ..went out to lunch with a friend yesterday and we ended up at build a bear and so i have another bear lol...i need to ban myself from that store! i cant go in there and not get something!

worn out

the long weeks really do wear me out...its so hard and so tiring to make it to sunday..and now its sunday and all i want to do is go to bed and sleep..mondays after the long week always end up with me doing nothing at all...its like a need a full 24 hours to even regroup and kinda rejoin the real world..some weeks are better than others but good grief..its hard...

dont know what else to say though..ill be glad when tomorrow gets here.. guess thats all

just thinking

ive been feeling pretty quiet the past couple days...a lot on my mind but none of it is necessarily bad..just consuming...not even overwhelming which is really surprising me...i saw linda twice this week..and im glad i did..i am..we talked about lots of different stuff..work, life, the usual rambles..but the second time i saw her we ended up talking about therapy..i told her i thought i would be in therapy for the rest of my life..and i do think that..but after talking to her maybe i need to rethink it a little bit..i dont know yet..she explained the different types of therapy to me..and all that..and we talked about talking about past stuff and if it was important or not..and she told me that talking about the past isnt always something that has to be done..and that made me feel super happy..i immediately started trying to find a way to get out of talking about it..and that was enough to let me know that i needed to talk about it..well i need to talk about it..but im not ready yet..i dont know what to say..or what to do...but we were talking about it and as usual my defenses kicked into high gear..and i started thinking no nope, absolutely not talking about it..immediately the wall that kinda blocks everything came up too..but it was different this time..it wasnt as overwhelming..it didnt make me feel all over the place, suicidal, or super depressed...it made me a little sad..but none of the usual stuff that comes up with talking about talking and feeling like breaking the rules an all that..it is hard..and im trying to just not worry to much about it..cas its different and that means i have to just get used to it..but it is a little hard to wrap my head around..things really are starting to change..and im not sure how i like it yet..
it still makes me worried..and im scared ill be in trouble..but talking to linda may not kill me...but i havent decided yet..still just thinking about it..

but hmm dont know...started the new meds..and i think it is helping me focus a bit more...but it does make me more tired..but im hoping that will stop to in time..

also talked to my gyno doc..and the biopsy came back normal..she is keeping me on the medicine that i started for now and see how it goes...im upset that my insurance didnt cover the lab costs though..i owe almost $600 for that! and it sucks..i mean goo grief im struggling with money now and so to make it better my insurance goes all stupid ..ugh..its ridiculous..and so so soooooooooooooooo stupid...

gotta figure out money for may..and henrys graduation and cruise and all that..it is going to be a struggle...and somehow ill have to get it handled..cas ill have to drive down to his school..and pay for a hotel room and all that..and then money for traveling when it comes to the cruise and everything .. and then i have some car issues going on that i need to figure out money for too..ugh everything needs money! its so frustrating..im afraid that ill have to get a part time job ..but im trying to wait out the summer for that..before i start looking and all that..cas if i get a part time job i want it to be in something that is not connected in any way to social work or troubled kids..i want my part time job to be a break! but for now its just still an idea..im not sure how ill be able to handle a second job ..and all that..

so yeah..quite a few things going on...a lot to deal with but its not stressing me out so much..maybe im dealing with it better .. i dont know

movie - precious

i ve been trying to write but just keep losing focu..s.sometimes i just want to give up and go away and not have to worry about all of these stuff..im tired..and i guess meds are starting to kick in some..it has seemed like this day has gone on for forever..it was so so so slow and dragged on...i finally got out of the house for a little while.....well the natural light bothered me for a while..it hurt my eyes and i just felt disconnected again..im so weird..but umm did like 5 loads of laundry today..and even put them away...still have some big things to do like sheets and towels but all clothes are done...and it took forever and i guess im proud for finishing it..but i couldnt do anything else today..it was just to much..will have to clean up the kitchen again tomorrow before leaving for work maybe...i really need to make a list so i can go to the store on thursday..we are just out of stuff and i feel responsible to get it..i guess..somehow..i dont know

watched precious today..it was hard...some parts i couldnt look at and had to stay slightly distracted throughout the movie..but in general i watched it..and managed ok..but then it got to the point where the mom explained her reasoning behind letting it happened...explained why she blamed her daughter for what happened..made excuses and then had the nerve to ask not to be judged..that upset me more than anything else..i could have managed fine if that part hadnt been in the movie..but i just cant deal with parents who are at fault for something happening to their children and then they blame the kid..they hate the kid..they try to make themselves feel better ..and its all a bunch of bs..how is it possible that parents do this stuff..and just leave there kids to suffer..it makes me upset..it hurts..it makes me sad..for the kids..for what has happened..but its never about me..im not sad about me at all..the movie itself isnt the worst ive seen dealing with abuse..i mean come on i watch lifetime all the time when im at home or when i had cable..i read books about abuse..i watch shows specifically that i know will trigger a reaction from me for the sake of seeing how it plays out..and sometimes the reactions are really bad..and sometimes they arent...but the one thing that i always see..is the mom blaming the kid..the mom choosing to place the child second to someone else..the mom wants the relationship with her husband or bf over the safety of the kid..and its not fair..its wrong..i cant understand how a parent can do that...how a parent can ever not put there kid first..it bothers me so so much..it makes me afraid ..and i hurt for all the kids who have been hurt, or not believed..all the kids who tried hard to get help and they were turned away for the needs of a parent..no its not fair at all..watching that movie today almost made me want a baby..but i had to remind myself that i would be a horrible parent..that i would get upset some day and do something stupid and my kid would hate me forever..i cant forget that..before i make a mistake and end up with a kid..how that would happen i still dont know..but yeah..sometimes my irrational thinking can take over really quickly..so i dont know..thoughts are just all over the place ..and i have to many questions in my head as usual

collages

quiet day

im doing alright i guess...really wanting to see my therapist but just trying to stay calm..and not think to much about cutting...because in my emptiness yesterday i realized that it was cutting that kinda grounded me with all that...instead i just watched a movie and eventually fell asleep..im still tired..and im still not doing anything important...i really need to clean up and i just cant seem to find the motivation at all to do it...the messiness is really bothering me..but i lose interest so fast..and i keep pulling stuff out and not putting it back..and so its a little bit frustrating..hopefully ill mkae some headway with it though sometime today..i really want to take a nap though..

i made a couple of collages yesterday night too..ill have to see if i can get them to post on here..ill have to get better pictures of them..

im actually almost excited about the cruise in may..im hoping it works out..i really am..still a bit jealous about it at the same time..but ill get over it..i want to go..i want to get away...maybe thats why im looking forward to it so much..its a chance to get away from things.even if mommy will be there..i just need a vacation..im thinking ill just go ahead and take off for a week and a half from work..well some of those days im off already but ill have to get all that figured out too...

hmm not much to talk about though...feeling kinda blahish...still slightly disconnected i think

thinking

.i think something about today really has just been bothering me...i have really felt disconnected in a way..like all of the past stuff isnt there anymore ..like im so close to being normal..so close to being like everyone else..i want to be like everyone else..i want to be normal..or sane..or just together good grief...i just want stability..and its been so touch n go lately..that today really is throwing me for a loop..its not nothing can get at me right now...and so what do i do? i try to make myself feel something...i try to make myself have a reaction to something..just so that i can remind myself im still alive..that im still here..that i can still have a normal reaction..and i cant... i cant feel anything..im just here..and all emotions have been sucked away..all thoughts are just thoughts..all actions have no real meaning..and time just keeps moving..time always keeps moving

i dont know whats wrong wiith me...i feel okay and so i question it..now i wonder if something is wrong with me...i guess i just think that im always supposed to feel sad or depressed or agitated..and so a day where none of that is present actually worries me ?! how is that possible...i wanted a completely dull and boring day and thats what i got..and now im worried about it.. i should be happy nothing is going on..i should be happy that my head is almost completely calm and slow right now..and i want to be..i really do..but i cant just relax with the thoughts..its just to different to deal with..and its days like today when i really questions why i have to go to therapy..or take meds or any of that stuff..i feel fine..im not thinking about the past..or work or really anything..i could live the rest of my life and never question anything about my past...i wont have to deal with the stress or anxiety anymore .. why cant it be like this always...i wonder why im not screwed up enough to need constant support and understanding.. it should be a good thing that i can manage some days without freaking out or being in crisis...but thats the time when i feel more invisible..because nothing is going on..i dont know

sigh

well..things are better i guess...im not feeling as hopelesss anymore..still super stressed and just worried but some of the panic is easing...i saw my therapist on tuesday and the first thing she said is that i seemed distressed, shut down in some way..that something was wrong but she couldnt figure out what..which is really shocking..you know..i work so hard to seem ok..and i seem to be failing at that lately..but there is so much going on in my head lately that going just once a week isnt helping as much either ..and i know i really cant afford twice a week..but i wish i could..just when i start to get comfortable talking its time for me to go...and its just hard..im trying to trust her but i dont know..still worried and anxious..i did tell her about the pdoc stuff and that it was upsetting me..because well my pdoc doesnt know that you cant tell me stuff like that..and then just let me leave..because it led to my irrational thinking just going all over the place..and so yeah..

im still feeling hurt about my old t...still sad..but no longer angry..still struggling to feel safe..but the world is not a dark dark unwelcoming place anymore..so i guess ill live some how...i still want to talk to her..i want to see her ..and be in her office..i still want someone to kind of take her place and that wont be happening...that makes me sad...she cant be replaced..but theres nothing to fill the hole she has left..i still struggle to put words into it and make sense of it...i still feel like i was just gotten rid of and i know thats not true..but im trying..

im not going home this weekend and i think that has lessened some of my stress too...im not sorry i cant go home..i honestly cant afford too..and so mommy cant argue with me about it..she cant..but now i know im going to have a quiet weekend here and im ok with that ..i have to clean up and stuff so yeah ...

tonight was a hard night at work...im tired..and stressed out..agitated..we had two girls run away...one came back by herself and one came back with the cops...the first girl though is the one who decided to lie about everything and start cursing me out..now i can deal with a lot of stuff..i can but being cursed at really gets to me..and it gets to me fast..and i tried hard to stay professional..i did..but i called the girl a liar, and got up and stopped talking to her..i asked the other staff to come and talk to her..i couldnt do it..because i know that being cursed at like that is a huge huge issue for me..and i just kind of immediately went into defense mode and needed to get away from her..i was mad..i was very very mad, and felt the need to argue with her, had i kept talking to her it would be been me going to her level and just ugh..i left the office and got the other staff but my agitation was so high, i was about to cry, and had to tell another resident to just not touch me..i couldnt deal with it..one of the therapist in the cottage at the time asked if i was ok..and i said yes..didnt matter that i looked like i was mad, or that i was so close to crying i didnt know what to do with myself..the therapist told me that my face didnt match what i said..but she didnt push me to talk..and i got a few minutes to calm down and collect myself..but i was done..i couldnt deal with anything else .. it was hard tonight..i really did ignore the particular girl for the rest of the night..i didnt talk to her or look at her because im not ready too...i dont want to talk to her..and im having trouble being professional about it..because from a professional stand point i HAVE to talk to her..from just a reg old me stand point..i want to hold a grudge and let her know i dont like her, or trust her, and i dont want to be in the same room as her...but thats being childish isnt it..thats just putting me on her level once again..and so im glad i have a few days to kinda calm down and just try to work my way through all the feelings...but i dont know..it was a struggle tonight..a big big struggle :(

hopeless

things are just very depressing right now..im feeling worried and tired..and stressed out and anxious...i feel like im always going to be this way and nothing can help me..

i saw the pdoc today and talked about the meds and stuff..and shes adding a new one..to see how i handle it and if it helps..i wish i could just make myself happy and then none of this would be an issue..but i cant..i cant do anything it seems ...but im trying effexor..going today to see how much it is going to cost..and if i can get it filled this week...she talked about mood stabilizers and other stuff that could be possibility if i really cant handle the current type of med..and well she also talked about the possibility that she may not be able to help me..just based on her experience and stuff..and i know shes giving me fair warning but its like im just losing everyone right now..and it stresses me out..and my thinking went down hill really fast...irrational or not..
i just feel like i am falling apart..and i really cant be helped

not feeling safe

things have been really hard this week. . had t o see the gyn again and it was really painful..they did the internal ultrasound..and then did a biopsy...both hurt a lot and made me just kinda shut down big time..im waiting for the gyn to call and talk about the biopsy and stuff...but i think the new meds are helping with getting the bleeding to stop..

saw t this week and i dont know...im not feeling safe at all..not in a suicidal way or anything but just in a really broad kinda way..i dont feel safe..i want my old t..i dont know what i want or how to make it better..i realy dont..its tiring ..and its like theres an underlying layer of anxiety that just refuses to go away..

last night

last night..i dont know how to even begin to describe how bad last night was...the day was ok you know...i hung out with heather at her house..i watched tv and got to play online, and ingeneral was ok..i left to go to the movies with yvonne and i know i was a little pissed off that yvonne was late getting to the movie because i hate missing the previews..but i let it go..i was fine in the movie..but once i got into the lobby after the movie was over i started to freak out..it was to crowded..and way to loud..i dont know what i was feeling but i was thinking that i just needed to get out..and i left the lobby as fast as i could...and you know went to my car..i was a little shakey..but nothing horrible..i got in my car and was getting ready to leave and i just flipped out...i couldnt breathe, and i was shakey, and i couldnt calm down..i didnt know what i was supposed to do..yvonne had already left and so i was by myself..ii wanted to go home but couldnt get myself to drive..and ended up turning my car back off and just sitting there..i made myself take deep breaths and it didnt really work for me..i spent almost 2 hours sitting in my car because i couldnt get myself to drive home...the first 45 minutes or so..i was trying hard to calm myself down..i messaged heather a lot and that was helpful..cas she kept asking me questions and stuff..and then i messaged yvonne and asked her to come back because i was still at the movies..and so she came back and sat in my car with me for almost an hour...before i drove home..and even then i wasnt completely calm..but yvonne followed me home, and then stayed home...i laid down and well took my meds for the night and just waited for sleep to come ..i didnt want to think..i didnt want to feel...i wanted to cut and i was really suicidal last night..i told yvonne that it would be better if i wasnt at home alone...i told her some of what was going on while we were in my car..but still i just feel like im falling apart..and more and more stuff is just being added onto my overloaded brain..i cant deal with anything else..and it just feels like i keep having to deal with stuff..

i dont know if it is meds or just an overload of stuff that made me freak out so badly last night...i have never freaked that badly..ive never been unable to drive :( i hated that i needed help..and had to ask for it..i hated that i was almost willing to sleep in my car before asking yvonne to come back..i want to talk to my old t..i dont feel safe at all anymore..but i cant talk to her anymore..and im not sure about contacting the new t just yet...

and to make it all just so much better..im back to bleeding really heavy again..and it hurts and makes me so tired and cranky...but i go back to see the obgyn on tuesday..i hope i make it ...

im going to try to be okay enough for work tomorrow ..but im really not sure..i dont know anything right now

things suck

i saw my other therapist yesterday...well now my only therapist..and she picked up on that something was wrong pretty quickly..i told her what happened..and she listened..and she had me do a safety contract thing ..which im not liking very much currently..but i agreed to it..so im just trying to stay busy and all that..its hard..im out of focus with everything..most of the time i dont want to do anything but just lay down and forget i even exist..it hurts to much to think..work was a good distraction yesterday and i have to work today but the weekend is in front of me and i dont really know what to do..im trying hard to just let the feelings happen and not fight them..but its hard and overwhelming to feel so so sad and upset..

hurt..hurt

today has been a horrible day...sitting at nias still trying not to cry and trying to hold myself together but its not going so well..i still have to drive home tonight..and im just dont know if i can even make the drive safely right now...thats how out of it i feel..i dont want that many hours alone in the car..i really dont..to much time to think and struggle..and i cant drive if im crying..and i hurt...i think my heart crashed and broke into a million pieces..and it will never ever ever be fixed..it cant be fixed..i dont want to talk to anyone ..or do anything..i want to call in sick to work..i dont want to go see the new linda tomorrow..i dont want to even look at the stupid building where the new linda is..

i saw the old linda today..and it started off ok..it did..but then we talked about stopping again and i didnt want to..i asked her to move to va a million times and she still says nno..and i eventually told her that i was trying to hang on to her cas i would miss her and miss talking to her..but that coming to see her wasnt the same because of course i cant talk about any of the big stuff with her anymore..and that it was just different..and she started to talk about how it seemed like the relationship was turning into more friend than client and therapist..and that it broke all sorts of boundaries for me to keep seeing her without working on anything ..i understand i do..but i told her i understood..and then i started to cry..not like bawling but just started to tear up..and i wouldnt look at her at all..and she kept talking to me and telling me that she would miss me to, and that it was good i was able to identify my feelings and everything..and i tried hard to pull myself together and it wasnt working..cas of course i started thinking i was horrible and would never be able to come back and see her anymore and that she didnt like me..and all this stuff..she asked me if i wanted to make another appt or what i wanted to do and i couldnt even answer..i was trying to control myself so much...eventually i told her that i wasnt going to make an appt to see her..because if i did then i would want to keep seeing her and i cant keep going cas i wouldnt stop..i would want to just keep going..and i cant..and so i just kept starting to cry..and it was bad..she asked if i was crying and i said no..even though i was sitting right in front of her ..and it was pretty obvious that i was crying..and yeah...she asked if it was ok to hug me before i left and i let her..which just meant i started crying even harder..and ended up putting my sunglasses on so that it wasnt obvious i was crying .. over 2 years of seeing her and i never cried..i dont care what we talked aboutt..and today i cried..:( i feel miserable and sad...very very depressed and just not ok..and i have to drive home tonight...i am not ok

the look of disgust mommy gives me makes me regret everything ive ever done :( all she has to do is see me and immediately i just fail to live up to expectations...everything immediately goes to weight..its pathetic and stupid and i know its coming and it still hurts ..

i give up!

i need cable in my life..my life isnt complete..i need my distraction back..oh my gosh..ive missed tv so so much ...and wow im like glued to the tv..and just flipping through channels..back and forth and back and forth and so much to watch in so little time..ugh i have to go back to va in a couple days..i cant cram 4 months of no tv into 3 days! my head will explode lol..but really if the internet still isnt working when i get back next week then ill have to figure out how to get it and cable in the house..but gonna have to research it all a bit more..

hmm well im annoyed with riley and harris already and its just because well they have friends over and they are kinda in there own world..i mean in general im just kinda hanging out but yeah..i think im separating from them a bit more..they can manage with me and i can manage with out them..its nice seeing them though..but again things are changing because im not around anymore..im not always seeing them and so it just feels like im losing touch with them i guess ..i dont know...everything is just weird at home..things are different...im different and its just hard to fit back into my neat little box of nothingness..i cant..i wont..i dont know..

not to mention that its snowing! i left va to get away from the snow..and the snow followed me...its actually snowing in wilmington and its sticking! the weather is so weird lately...

went and saw the new percy jackson, the lightening thief...it was ok..i mean i liked it and it was good but i think i need to see it again..greek mythology is really very interesting...but hmm cant decide yet..

but hmm meds are kicking in and i think im gonna start drooling on my keyboard if i dont go and lay down..

yesterday was not ok

I have a lot of worries in my head right now…the obgyn visit yesterday has been a big trigger and things are still bothering me a lot..i really do hate that..its not fair…I feel like I was tricked into it ..when I could have said no…but the need to have the bleeding stopped overruled my good sense to get up and leave..had I left Im not sure I would have gone back..so I stayed and had the exam and tried really hard not to cry..why are my feelings hurt? I think I just feel tricked into having the exam..when im the one that went..i was trying..well I am trying a little bit harder to take care of myself..but one thing at a time..and I kept putting off going to the doc for this particular issue and its still an issue..and because I keep bleeding through my clothes some days..i knew it was important to go to the doctor..but I don’t know..i just thought that since I was still bleeding then I wouldn’t get an actual exam..stupid doctors..why are there even doctors for this stuff..ugh..its stupid..and it hurt..and I didn’t like it..and I just want to throw a tantrum and refuse to ever go back again..but I do have to go back in a couple weeks for an ultra sound..and id rather have my teeth pulled..because there are two ways to have an ultra sound and one is incredibly invasive..and well id really rather not..but good grief it will get them to stop looking at me I do the stupid ultra sound..i mean I do want to know whats wrong..but id just rather it could be figured out in a different way….completely my fault for getting myself to believe that I wouldn’t have to have an exam because I was bleeding..darn it..i want to let it go and move on but I cant because I think im still super duper triggered about other things..and I don’t want anyone to touch me at all..and I just want to like hide for a while..i went to work when I left the doc yesterday..which was a lot better than going home and drowning in depression and bad feelings…I don’t like remembering and at least at work I was distracted..but I figured out pretty fast that I didn’t want to be at work and I wasn’t ok..but I stayed because I had to. Because its my job and I needed to stay..but I talked about it a little bit with heather and nia and yvonne..and that helped a little bit..but still im not ok about ..and im trying to keep it together long enough to make it to linda next week..i need to talk to her..because this is one of those times where its getting really bad really fast and I don’t know what to do to stop it..im trying not to cut…its just thoughts now and I feel like a baby for not being able to handle the stupid appointment..i really do..
But on to other things…im super duper tired..and the increase for lexapro isnt doing anything..or helping my mood any…im more tired..but its only been a couple weeks I think..so ill go until I see the pdoc next and hope that she will figure something else out..i know one of the other meds she talked to me about was wellbutrin..but there was another one too..so yeah really need to see her too..
There has been lots of snow here..and im fighting with whether I like it not ..i mean I do love snow…I love how quiet it makes everything seem..but so much snow in such a small amount of time is overwhelming..and it gets in the way of other things..like well work and doc appointments and all that…the need to play in it has lessened..and well all the dirty snow really bothers me..like serious bothering me and I cant figure out why..it just does…and well falling on the ice is a pain in the butt too..but im trying to go home this weekend..i think a change of scenery will be nice..ive been here for a month and a half and I guess I am still adjusting to all the changes..and so im hoping going home for a few days will be helpful…its also helpful that mommy will be at henrys school until Saturday I think and so I don’t even have to see her until Saturday evening sometime…which eases some of the stress of going home..but im hoping the weather will stay clear enough for me to get home, because it is supposed to snow again this weekend…and of course mommy has already told me not to come if the weather is bad…so im trying to keep an eye on the weather reports as much as I can anyway..
Im thinking that if the internet keeps not working then im just going to go ahead and have it installed or something..its really really inconvenient not being able to get online..and its hard to deal with..because I miss my usual people that I talk to, and it makes me lonely, and im worried about my farms :P on facebook..haha yes they are super important..but im trying to find a good deal on cable and internet..and I know I would have to cover the bill for a while which is fine..but I just want to make sure im getting a good deal..but ill work on that next week I hope..if the internet still isnt working..i mean it has been like 4 months of borrowed internet and that I should be thankful for..but now I guess its time to step up and start getting things squared away a bit better in the apartment..once the living is clearer then I think ill go ahead and set all that up.. I miss tv, and just the background noise really…so im hoping ill be able to take care of that soon..
Had a talk with yvonne last night…well yvonne came and had a talk with me and I interjected a few sentences every so often..i think I was a little spaced out and not all together last night but anyway..i think I hurt her feelings ..when I asked heather to go to my appt with me..hmm I didn’t really ask..she offered…but whatever still the same outcome..and then cause of the snow and me freaking out..heather took me and then dropped me off and work..yeah my car didn’t move yesterday..which in retrospect was kinda silly since the roads were cleared..ok off topic…umm so yeah talk..i agree it was one that needed to be had..but as usual I wasn’t expecting it..ive been so caught up in my own world..and I have been a bit more just weird lately..and im always slightly mad at yvonne and im not real sure why..but it just ends up with me kinda staying to myself..and stay bothered by whatever it is…maybe something is bothering me and I just havent figured out what it is yet..i don’t know..i just need to chill out..and calm down..im always on edge and I guess its just kinda drifting into everything im doing or not doing..and I don’t think its helping that I spend so much time alone…and then yvonne comes in and its like shes intruding on my space..and that’s not really fair..i cant claim the entire apartment as mine because im here the most…I think I already have and so I need to work on chilling out with that..so yeah things to work on.not the end of the world..

Hmm guess that’s all I had to talk to..just needed to clear my head a bit..

frustrated...

i finally made myself go to the doctor today...and for my trouble i was referred to an ob/gyn ..and that appt is tomorrow afternoon..the doc today today me it may be cysts causing the bleeding but that she wasnt sure and thats why she was referring me...and i understand completely..but i dont WANT to go to the ob/gyn..i really dont...i didnt want to go to the doctor today but the issues with bleeding through everything is causing a big headache in general..and with going home this weekend..i figured i better do it now .. so im trying hard to keep appts and actually go and do what im supposed to be doing ..and im super nervous and scared about it :( ..ugh its been a stressful few days. ..

i am going home this weekend..i really am missing riley and harris..and i think a change of scenery will help my mood a bit..

sssssssoooooooo

hmm whats been going on....well two big things have happened this week...

1) i got a new computer :) a laptop..it is my first super duper new out of the store laptop and it is awesome! i used part of my tax money on it..and im very glad i did..and im currently struggling a little bit with whether or not i need to tell mommy and i ha ve to constantly reassure myself that its not her business..that it was my choice..and i was responsible and used the rest for catching up with bills and everything..so im proud of myself for that..i got something i wanted big time..and it was all about me and no one else..

2) my shift partner was let go at work..i have to fight myself not to say she was fired but i think she was..i had no warning or anything..i showed up to work on tuesday and was told that she was no longer working there and thats it...i am still sad about it..and worried about her..but im sure she was told to not like talk about it or anything..and i really wish the supervisors or someone would just tell me why it happened :( and no one will..and that part of it is really bothering me a lot..and im just having a hard time with it...

thats all the big stuff for this week though..im worried about work this weekend because it is supposed to snow again and im afraid ill be trapped at home and i have to go to work..snow or no snow..and so im just worried about that..im planning on just putting extra stuff in my car incase i do get stuck over the weekend..trying to plan ahead..

but otherwise things are same old same old..nothing to interesting going on i guess

whats going on...

hmm i should write...but i keep putting it off..i want to write though..i always want to write because i have to get things out of my head...

i have become more guarded though..with everyone ..and i know a lot of it has to do with the fact that i was at home so long..and that i had to be careful always of what i said or didnt say. it doesnt help that i forget so much stuff, and then of course having mommy swear ive said or done something that i dont remember..but its just hard to let go of that need to keep things to myself...yvonne is right in that im not talking to her as much as i used to..and its not really anything to do with her as like a roommate or anything..im just really needing to ..well im feeling the need to just be quiet..very quiet..and i know its bordering on being incredibly isolating and depressing..and i should know better..but things are still to new..im still adjusting i think to the move and all that..and so all i have to comfort myself is silence or well all the stuff i shouldnt be doing..im going to try hard to talk about all this with linda though..cas im doing it with her too..and struggling so much makes me want the old linda and not the new one...but the old linda isnt the same anymore since moving..and the comfort of telling her stuff is slipping..because like she told me there is no followup...i cant get to her anymore..and that makes me really really sad..and the new linda is trying and im certainly not making it easy on her..but im also not trying as hard as i could be with therapy..and i know that ..i read this article the other day about blocks with therapy and i still have more than im comfortable admitting..and i use them all the time..when am i going to get the picture that showing up is not enough to make all this stuff better...and neither is glossing over all the old stuff or not talking about...its all the old stuff thats affecting me..its all the old pain and hurt and shame and guilt that i go out of my way to ignore..that makes me soooooo hard to deal with..i want to make excuses ..i really do..but thats all they would be ...excuses..i need to try harder..i need to care more...even after all these years i still see suicide as an answer to everything..and now with stoping and starting meds i have more means to act on those thoughts if i wanted to..but ive had the thoughts for so long that i can think or not think about them as i need to..tthey are just there..and i can either work around them or focus way to much on them..im gotten pretty good at working around them though..i guess...i am more comfortable talking to the pdoc though..shes ok i guess ..shes careful not to give me to many meds at once..so kudos to her..cas if i had it my way id prolly just take everything and be so out of it all i could do was sleep...that would be nice..which lets me know that underneath things im still feeling super depressed..

it is hard..all of it..some things i try to work on..most i dont..most i just hope will magically get better if i ignore it long enough..which is prolly why i seemed to forget all those coping skills i had to do last year to keep myself from dying..they seem so silly and not important right now..and i forget to use them until its to late..after the fact i beat myself up for not trying harder..for giving in..for giving up..and theres just some point the in whole circle that i keep missing..and so i keep just staying stuck and annoyed and sad with all of it..my chest doesnt hurt anymore..but the urges are still there.. i thought about finding my hidden razors the other night and didnt do it..all the willpower i could dig up had to go towards not cutting because i think i would have the other night and i dont even remember why...those thoughts are still very vvery overwhelming..and it sucks

the new linda asked me something during the last session and asked me to think about it...something about why working with the girls triggers me...hmm no maybe im implying what the question should have been..it was something along those lines though..rats for forgetting..but working with the girls is really hard for me..harder than i ever imagined it would be..and maybe thats way im questioning if this is the right job for me..right now..yeah its experince..yeah its a job..but i dont think i like residental very much..i know im not planning on staying for to long at this job though..i want to stay for now though..to learn and try and because in general i do like the group..im trying to be okay with the possibilty that thsi may not be the right job for me..and trying to be ok with that too...but i think the biggest thing is just that their need for attention, to be noticed, loved, accpeted..clashes with my need for the same things...i cant get that from the girls and i think i try to some times..i like when they say they miss me or that im nice or their favorite...those are nice things and i love hearing them..but at the same time im supposed to be there to make sure they are ok and working on there stuff..i cant keep letting my stuff come up and get in the way...and so then i turn and go and do stuff i should do because then it means ill tell and someone will care enough to ask if im ok..and notice me..which is really interesting because i hate being looked at and noticed but i want it all the same..i keep trying to have it both ways and it doesnt work like that..being with the girls does bring up my own issues..a lot more than i like..unresolved stuff i think linda mentioned..and i wanted to tell her that all i have is unresolved stuff...oh now i remember..she asked why i shut down after she asked me that question..she said it looked like a lightbulb went off and then i shut it all down and didnt say anything..i know my immediate response to her question had been along the lines of all of it is reseolved issues..which i thought and did not say..and just as quickly i stopped it..i didnt stop thinking..i stopped responding..a defense mechanism im sure..and im sure that most people would not even notice i was doing it..but linda saw it..and questioned it..but also gave me time to think about it..and it was annoying i guess...i told her i would think about it but had no real intention of doing that..i wanted to forget it..i didnt want her to know..but if i dont let her know ill be working on all this same stuff for forever..and i dont want that either..im not sure about the thoughts that happened that lead to me just kinda shutting down..i dont think i paymuch attention to them..umm i started thinking that it was bad, that i needed to be quiet..that she was just getting to close and so i had to stop responding to her..i needed to go away in some way..move back i guess..which i cant do physically..but in my head its a completely different area..and i can do what i want..i can hear or not hear..i can move back and forth..i can just go away..and hide behind answers that give nothing away..because i still have a hard time telling my secrets..i still feel like ill be in so so much trouble for telling..i also noticed the way her voice changes when she wants me to really get something..i forget what i asked her ..but she voice tone changed big time..and i have to fight myself not to respond to it..both lindas do that..they can go from normal to soothing depending on the subject..and i have to pay more attention..because it draws me in and i feel like i cant let that happen for some reason..why would anyone care about me or what happens to me..because if i really truly wanted to die no one would be able to stop me..and that thinking makes me feel super duper guilty..im not suicidal..really im not..but the thoughts are there always..and i worry about the promises i make to stay alive..to keep fighting all this stuff that seems like its not changing at all..its not fair .. i want to be better..i do..but puting the effort into dealing with everything may kill me by itself..facing the truth is not an easy thing at all..and denial has been mmy best friend for so long i cant seem to live without it...depending on the new linda to keep me alive is a control that i cant seem to give up..i have to have the control..i dont want anyone else controlling me..but me having this specific control is going to get me killed..because its all about how far i can push myself before i die without anyone catching on...if im not telling her or yvonne or anyone that im really suicidal or really depressed..then i cant expect them to help..sometimes im not even sure if i want them to help..admitting that something is wrong borders on being a secret...i just kinda toe the line and tell just enough to let them know ..but its the details i leave out..and i just outright lie in some cases...not telling is lying..saying im okay when i know without a doubt that im going to cut is lying...but ive been so used to it being ok..that showing im ok is enough to be left alone..im not supposed to crack under the pressure..which i guess is way i got so good at hiding all the bad thoughts..all the scars..people see what they want to see i guess..and im not noticable enough to even warrant that kind of attention...thats what the big difference in between the girls in my group and me..i didnt act out like they did, and thats why i never ended up in a residental place..i wasnt a problem..i was the most helpful, quiet, shy kid imaginable..and so no one bothered to question me..there were a few slip ups that got me into a hell of a lot of trouble..and lying was the way out of them..after swearing to be good, swearing to say what i was told to say..smiling and doing what was expected of me..and no one cared..i played my part to well..i lived and breathed the lies of my childhood until i believed them ..and called everyone else a liar..but now..little bits of truth push through and i cant believe them..im afraid to believe them..my little bubble of safety has been popped and im alone trying to deal with myself..half truths, and lies dont make for a very good story at all..its all or nothing i guess..and right now i have nothing to go on..little pieces of memories do not calm my fears..because what i remember is what scares me into silence..and then i go back to pretending..to hoping im wrong..to not being able to look in the mirror because of how i judge myself..and then i cant look at anyone else because i feel like ill die from shame and guilt..because i dont want to be judged or looked at or noticed..i dont want to have to talk and bring the focus on myself..i just want to slip through and get out..i want to go back to being able to hide..but i cant even get there anymore because im not supposed to cut..the calmness..the nothingness ..i cant have that anymore..

hmm well guess im just being super depressing right now..and i really didnt know so much was on my mind today..the solitude makes me reflective..and puts me in a questioning mood i guess..

so ill write about something else for a little while

the snow is awesome..dusti is confused by it..which is really funny..she spends most of the day sitting in the window just watching and listening to the water dripping..

im feeling better...sick wise anyway..im trying to stay on top of taking all the cold meds and what not..but i still have to go to the doc next week :( not fun at all..hmm oh meds were increased last week...instead of adding anything new..she just upped the lexapro and trazodone for now...with the possibilty of adding wellbutron next month if the increase wasnt helping...i need to research that drug a little bit and see what its all about..i dont mind trying it..but i think the lexapro increase is clearing my head a little bit..maybe it will help with my current never ending foul mood with everyone..im not trying to be mean..but im just always pissed off lately when im not by myself..so yeah..

guess that is all though..im tired now..very very tired...

ive been entertaining myself the past day or so with watching tv online..im currently watching season 1 of the l word...its an interesting show..a bit embarrassing for me with some scenes but the show itself is actually pretty good

snow pictures

:)

dusti is not a fan of the snow lol and the water dripping from the roof is not pleasing her !

struggling

therapy is becoming a big big struggle..i want to talk but cant..im worried very much about being in trouble..being caught..old stuff that i know is completely illogical and not going to happen..but its enough to make me anxious and not want to do anything at all for linda...fear is a big big issue for me :( and im not sure what to do about it

once again feeling sorry for myself

i am once again struggling with myself..and wanting to just yell and scream and cry right now...its so easy to fall back into bad habits..so disappointing how easily i seem to forget all my coping skills..all my things im supposed to do inorder to stay calm and sane..and im not doing anything of them..and instead i keep doing all the stuff i shouldnt do..and i feel so stupid..and worn out from worrying about it all..right now im not feeling good..my throat hurts..my head hurts..and i cant even get up the energy to get up and move to take my sleep meds..cas im afraid to move..im afraid ill be sick again..i told myself over and over that i just felt sick and so throwing up was an accident.i was just helping along what was going to happen anyway...its been so long..i was doing so good and its like the more out of control things feel..the more i want to go back to my comfort zones..i want back the things that hurt and make me feel less crazy..but thats not true..i miight feel less crazy but the acts alone make me 'more' crazy..its the acts i have to live with and deal with..the guilt and sad feelings..the beating myself up and thinking over and over that i should have odne better..i should have tried harder..im so stupid ..and it all seems pointless right now..i do want to cry..i want to do something and i finally had to give in and write because my thoughts were not stopping or slowing down..i was distracted..i am distracted and upset with myself..and i feel miserable and that makes me feel so much worse..i dont want to do this anymore..i hate struggling to much..and i realize that the work stuff is adding fuel to the fire of sorts ...work is out of my control is most ways..but once im at home needing to have control goes overboard..im back to waiting to just forget everything to not think or deal with anything anymore...im just tired..and feeling really hopeless...maybe thats what it is..it all seems hopeless cas its never going to really stop..whats the point in even trying...

just...i dont know

i was thinking yesterday about how people just take it for granted that ill always be there to help, to talk to, to do something with..and maybe im juts kinda relating it yvonne the most right now because she does have her own life and i guess im just jealous that she does. she goes out the friends and hangs out and everything, and sometimes she asks if i want to go and sometimes not..most of the time i chose not to go..but then its like she gets busy and im busy and we kinda just dont see each other for a few days..and then she comes back and wants to do something and i may not want to be bothered at all..and i feel bad about it..but at the same time i get annoyed too..everyone just always seems to want me when its convinent for them..and i think i just get stuck waiting..and hoping that ill be needed...and i know that i should go out and make friends of my own, and find my own things to do..but i get scared even thinking about that..yvonne is safe and so i think im more content waiting for her to remember me i guess...but meeting someone new and having to talk and interact and have my weird work schedule..is really hard for me ..which makes this whole thing pointless..but guess i just needed to get that out of me head ..

made it through the weekend with work...and today im juts soooo tired and worn out..i think all the stress and worrying about work is really tiring me out...im doing my best..and im working hard to be more observant and see who is where..but today im tired..and just feeling i dont know sad..depressed..alone..i keep telling myself that i need to get up and go out and do something..i need to run errands..and i cant even convince myself to get up and get dressed..i just want to lay here and do nothing..i want to go back to sleep actually..but getting up would be good..i can go and get lunch and get some fresh air or something..anything..cas staying inside all day will just end up making the depression worse..and i dont want that...

nervous...

really nervous about work today...just agitated and i keep thinking about it and worrying and trying to figure out how exactly i want to do things..im nervous for my shift partner..and well she has a meeting today and is super worried about if she will be fired or not..and theres not much i can do but wait with her and see what happens..but im also super nervous about the weekend without her..and how that will play out...so a lot going on in my head ... i did email linda yesterday and asked her to call me...and im trying hard to keep writing about all my thoughts and stuff cas i think i really need to keep talking about it and ill have to bring it up with the new linda on tuesday next week..im constantly reminding myself to take it a day at a time because worrying so much is really just driving me crazy..but i keep worrying and ugh..

my sinuses are a pain right now..but finally went and bought some meds yesterday..made myself go out a couple times yesterday so that i wouldnt isloate myself and just feel sorry for myself..so i went out..and still felt super sorry for myself but at least i was doing it away from home, and was still able to distract myself a bit moree..

other than that the usual stress and what not is going on..thinking im having super weird dreams but i never remember them anymore..i see the pdoc next week and i think i want to try another antidepressant..dont know which one..but will see..and figure it out with her..

worked on my taxes yesterday and got most of that stress out of the way..

mmm dont know what else to talk about..really not feeling good but just gonna have to relax as much as i can before work today..

things are just not good at all on the job front

today...today has been a really depressing day...therapy was hard and really rather triggering of some old things about relationships..and mommy and how they are just unequal..and it was hard..but i told her about the horrible time with the eye contact thing and how hard it was .. and she agreed to stop looking at me for little bits of time while im with her and letting me talk..it takes some of the anxiety off if i know shes not looking at me and was able to talk a little better with her..but still left really sad and out of it :(

and then i went to work and things kinda hit rock bottom after a few hours...i sat through the team meeting because its wednesday..and team is always on wed..but then my supervisor let me know that she needed to talk to me..and then made me wait for a couple hours before actually talking to me..so my anxiety was already up by the time i made it into her office...and come to find out the talk was about all that has been going on in the cottage..and how im doing..and to make a long depressing story short..i got a warning..:( ..about how im working and what i need to improve on..because im letting things slip up and kinda being sucked into agreeing to stuff that my shift partner wants to do..and i know i have to be responsible for my shift but i really just wanted to sit there and yell that it wasnt my fault :( it was hard to sit there and accept the criticism..it was hard to sit there and just kinda take it for what it was...i guess my supervisor was being as helpful as she could be..but i dont take criticism well and so its hard...by the end i was getting teary and had to really fight myself not to cry in her office...im trying to be as positive as i can about it..because well my job hangs in the balance..but then the negative thoughts still creep in because it is a big big deal..and im really unsure of myself right now..and having a lot of doubts about my job and everything..and being realistic i have to wonder if this is the right type of job for me :( maybe im not ready to tackle residential kids..and i tried and just couldnt deal with it..but i wonder will i be ok with it if i was fired and how that would affect me..maybe im trying to take on to much right now with the kids in the group and my own stuff..but i want my job..i really do...im learning and all that..and i know im not perfect and i know i have a lot of areas for improvement..but if i dont improve i will lose my job ..and then where will i be..?! ..im stuck in worse case scenario right now :'( and its really scaring me..i know i can only do my best and if its not for me its not for me but i feel like a big failure right now..i cant even do my job..and my shift partner is possibly looking at losing her job and i feel like its my fault..and im just confused and sad and upset...i know im being given the chance to prove that i can do this..that i can take the criticism and fix the things i can..but im still scared..and anxious..i dont like having my supervisor tell me that she doesnt feel safe leaving my shift partner and i with the girls..i really dont..because i dont want to do anything to hurt the girls but my trying to overly nice and compensating is just leading me into trouble..i have so much to work on ..its overwhelming :( ..its like sitting and again hearing a list of just everything i have done wrong ..and its hard...

im just sad..what will i tell mommy if i lost my job? she would kill me...
i just dont know anything right now
im really very depressing right now..so ill stop.

pathetic ..

ive been sitting here for a while doing nothing worth mentioning..just thinking about everything and nothing and getting no where with it..i wish i could process what was going on in my head but i cant..to many thoughts of everything and nothing and it just gets confusing..i want my old t..not the new one..and im not even sure where to go with that line of thinking because i know its not the same anymore and thats not helping all the current sad feelings..actually ive just been sitting here feeling pathetic and sorry for myself and upset and sick and not many happy feelings..just a general im screwing everything up feelings/thoughts..i just dont know what to do with myself today ..lots of bad bad thinking today..its tiring

struggling with keeping silent

It was a hard day yesterday, disappointing in so many ways. Now I know what it is about the girls in the group that rub me the wrong way when they are all over the place like last night. I would never use my past as a way to make my behaviors now okay. I would never treat anyone with the amount of disrespect that they use with staff there. I dealt with a lot growing up and I am not dimishing there issues or struggles at all, but being hurt doesnt give them or anyone else to right to treat another person like shit. Its not fair, especially when I have done nothing to them. I do not make excuses, I do not use therapy, or cutting, or anything else I struggle with as a way to get over, as a way to acheieve some goal of proving I can get away with anything I want. It is not fair at all, and I do not like it. They are not getting the big picture at all, and they can sit there and point out someone elses behavior and then blame there behavior on the fact that they are in treatment. It makes me mad, and bothers me because they wont be in treatment for forever, they will have to rejoin the real world, and they cant deal with it. They are going to end up just getting themselves in a whole lot of trouble with how they treat people.

and so when one of the girls last night asked me about my attitude i let het know I was dissapointed and upset..and that their behavior had been unacceptable..its like they think there behaviors just disappear..like they can act like the biggest jerks imaginable and then conviently forget about it when it suits them..i dont forget or forgive that quickly..i dont care who it is..yes ill be at work on monday.. and yeah ill have to interact with all the girls..but there is nothing written that says i have to like them..and right now there are 2 that im really not liking..because they know better, because they are just trying to get over .. and because they are being so so so selfish.not once did they consider the outcome of there actions..not once and thats what pisses me off about it..because theres the entire group tothink about..not just the two of them..and ugh..i was mad..i am mad..disappointed upset..all of it..the inabilty to let the anger go makes me question my job a lot right now..and again its one of those do react or do anything while so upset because then ill regret it..and its been 3 months..and there have been a lot of weeks where things were not like this..but the past week and then this week its like they are just off the wall and it sucks..i know it wont last but its stressing me out..

i dont know what i need to do right now..i really dont

feeling stupid..

work was hard today ..on a professional/emotional level..cas today was the first real 'issue' with me that was brought up today..and it was about me and my shift partner..and so it was hard to sit and listen and be tod that there will be 'more talks' about how we are supervising the kids i thought i had been doing a pretty good job with it..cas it always feels like im watching them and constantly counting and checking on who is where..and it was hard not to be ddefensive with it..and im just worried about what will happen...the whole worst case scenario type thinking..and its hard not knowing what will happen..i mean i dont think ill be fired but im scared that i will be ..and i know its just anxiety that is getting the best of me..but that doesnt help the anxiety at all ..and i know im stuck waiting it out for now..but just feeling overwhelmed iwth it..tried to be an adult but it bothered me alot and i just wanted to be by myself and cry..but that couldnt happen..and so i had to apoligize for some things from the weekend..my shift partner did also..and it was hard..i feel stupid..and the team meeting today made me feel even stupider..because the girls are becoming more and more sneaky..and i just feel like im falling into some of the manipulations without meaning to..cas i want the acceptance and love just as much as they do and so they are doing things and im not picking up on them..and then having it spelled out for me makes me question EVERYTHING and its a lot..i dont mean to fall for it..but ive never had it all pointed out to me either..and its hard..because im really not picking up on it all the time..and it feels like i need to just step back and relook at all the girls in the group..it makes me nervous..and my supervisor and the director both gave me the same info on grooming behaviors and i read a little bit of it..and my biggest question is 'what exactly is the difference between emotional grooming and emotional abuse?' it looks/sounds the same to me but there is a difference somewhere...the same way i read the descriptions and its like i know this..ive been told this..and it was for the same result..cas im getting that grooming either kid to kid or adult to kid ends up for the same result..someone has to get the power and control and someone else ends up being hurt and trying to please and believing all these lies and its just hard and so so confusing...i know im learning and im still new but im bothered that i dont know some of this stuff..


-addition--

guess writing out the feelings got it out and ive calmed down..still feeling really sad and off in some way..but at the same time i know that its not the end of the world..it just feels like it i can get through this..i can be an adult and professional..i said my apoligizes and now all i can do is wait it out and see what else will happen..but in the mean time ill just have to work harder to prove that im doing my job..that i can deal with the girls..that i can be there and do what i have to do..easier said than done but im not going to give up..i like my job..and its just interesting you know how its the staff thats responsible for the gilrs being all off the wall ..thats the part of all of it i dont like..because when my supervisor talks about it, its like its something that me and my shift partner are doing wrong..something that we arent paying attention to, and the feeling i get is that we are not good enough and the other sets of staff are perfect and all the 'bad' stuff happens when im working..and i dont think thats fair either..yeah most of the other staff have been there for a lot longer than me or my shift partner has..but its not fair either to dump all the bad things on us when its not true...the other shifts have trouble too..and its not like every day something is going on..but those days dont count you know..its just the days when stressful stuff happens that we are noticed and things are commented on...but when things are fine and the girls are just there usual selfs then its not important for them to say good job or something...im not looking for praise or anything you know..i can do my job either way..but some positive acknowledgement would be nice...my shift partner was talking about that particular thing the other night and i didnt think i agreed with her..but maybe i do..but no ..i wont give up..that would be silly...its one strike ..thats all...it means ill be watched a bit more closely..it means ill have to work a bit harder at proving i belong there..that i can do the job..thats all..i can and will move on..


im calm...im collected... i can do this

im really am calmer..just still sad though..the bravado is gone for now i guess..but all the current work issues aside im tired...meds are startign to work i think .. bed ..and sleep and nothingness soon..been messing with itunes tonight and cleaning up my ipod..its full and needs to have some of the music taken off..really truly annoyed with mommy but thats not going way anytime soon...but no more lending..stupid thing to do..but just focusing on getting through the week. well getting through tomorrow..and then i can relax for 3 whole days..!

just thinking

something has been bothering me and i guess i know what it is now..im feeling lost about what im doing..the holidays are over and its back to work, or school, or whatever ppl are doing and it feels like im not doing anything..im working full time but it doesnt really feel like i am..im trying to get myself together but that motivation comes and goes..and i dont know .. i still feel like i should be doing so much more but i cant deal with anything else right now..ive been thinking about grad school and feeling jealous that i havent gone back yet and everyone else has ..and that is a bunch of bs..not everyone in the world goes to grad school and i know trying to go now would be a waste because i couldnt deal with it..but i keep telling myself i want a couple more years..i want a little more time..and then ill go back..the only thing that hasnt changed is that i do want to go back to grad school..i really do..i just cant pin point a time...and now im in va and theres a college really close to me that i could apply to of course..but not now..i need to get myself together before i tackle that stress.and im not ready to yet..i know im not..but that doesnt stop me from feeling like im lacking in some way..that ive ssettled for something less than everyone else..that ive given up i guess and i havent..i dont think..im trying hard to do what i know is best for me..and that worries me i think..im trying to give myself a break on a lot of things and really i just end up not thinking about them..but i guess thats better than making myself take on to much stuff or something...

but on to other things..im tired..of course..but i think im catching a cold..i really dont feel good today..right now..i justwant to lay in bed and not move..and so ill have to remind myself that i can do that all weekend..just gotta get through a couple days of work..

the more i think about it..the more i do want to go vegetarian again..which annoys the crap out of me..but im waiting because i have to be sure im not doing it for mommys benefit..i really do..

same old pressures

all the distractions aside..i showed up for therapy right on time..i was worried i would be late..but made it...was a frustrating session..i am being stubborn over really small issues and refusing to give in or agree to do what she is asking me to do..and it really doesnt make sense..its not the end of the world..but the world may end before i give in type thinking with her today..maybe i really did have somethign to talk about and since we didnt talk about it i refuse to do anything for her no i really really dont make sense at all.. but it was nice to see her...wish i was being/feeling a bit less stubborn about things..ugh..really need to get my head together and come to terms with some things...

mommy is pushing for me to become a vegetarian again..and its like shes slowly wearing me down on that issue...the topic for the day with her was..'its a new year, have you cut down yet'.. because that is what i want to spend all my time thinking about..food..dieting..etc..etc..etc..stupid..thats all i need you know..ive been worrying about it alot anyway..food and stuff lately..but having it constantly thrown at me that i 'should' be dieting makes me anxious..i should be doing a lot of things that im not currently doing and its just hard i guess...its either all or nothing..cant be a part time vegetarian..really what would it matter..i mean yes it has its benefits..yes it is a bit healthier..yes i could do it again..3rd times the charm...but do i want to do it? thats the part i cant agree on...no..yes...maybe..i dont know..its not even a question of if i could do it..ive already done it..ive done it more than once..-sigh- i just dont know..it makes me feel bad that i cant even make up my mind on something so simple ..but eating is not a simple thing at all..its not..its hard and overwhelming and involves a lot of thought and planning and patience..so no i dont know what im gonna do about it..geez maybe vegetarian is the happy medium for me..give me a break from eating and all that..and it would give me time and space needed to kinda figure out what i do what to do instead of heading back into binging and purging or not eating..why do things have to be so hard...

work tomorrow and thursday..and then the weekend off..a nice long and boring break..thats what i want..i had to take a break from reading today...to many books crammed in yesterday..my head was spinning trying to process so many different stories..so today has been video game day...almost beat kingdom hearts..but still have a bit to go before i really beat it..

and now im tired..and sleepy and a bit stuffy lol..not sure if its sinus's or the meds still..cas one of the side effects for trazodone is congestion..and eevery morning these days i wake up super congested..but im guessing its a mix of being slightly sick and the meds...i think im feeling a bit better without the cymbalta...calmer in a lot of ways..i think ..and the next pdoc appt is at the end of january..so there will be changes then i think..maybe will try something different again and see how it goes..

doubt...

if anything else happens at work this week i may need to be committed :( ... you know it makes me sad that one of the girls in my group told me that im different..that i dont smile anymore..have i become that out of it? that depressed? im hoping it was just the meds messing with me..but no i think the depression is back..im sadder..quieter..different..today was hell..plain and simple..im tired..im worn out from this week..im drained and theres nothing left to give..there was a fight in the group today..between two ggirls..the victim was pulled backwards out of her chair by her hair..hit and scratched and pucnhed and the poor girl didnt fight back...the other girl ended up being restrained by me..one of the residents grabbed her first but then i was there and asked the resident to let her peer go and then i had to restrain her..and move her..and let her calm down..the girl she attacked was hurt..the director of the program spent 2 hours sitting in the office with us trying to get this girl to talk..about why..why she did it..she had been starting to walk away..she had been doing the right thing and then she just snapped..and turned around and started hitting the other girl.it was bad..the rest of the group was shocked..i was in the room but not near enough to them to break them apart first..i think everyone was shocked ..everyone stopped and just kinda looked..and then we reacted...thinking back on it now..there is so much that could have happened..it should have been avoided..you know..i should have moved faster..i should have been closer..i shouldnt have been distracted with another resident..im worried now..wondering if i did all i could ..was there something i missed..was there something i forgot to do...i was at such a loss..i hate restraining and this is the first time ive had to restrain a kid in almost 3 years..and it hasnt gotten better being forced to hold a kid to stop them from hurting themselves or someone else..there isnt :( im worried im not doing my job..that the fight is a direct reflection on me..but i was there..i saw it..i did what i could..but i still think i should have done more.. i dont like it..and this all happens after having run aways, and room searches, and all kinds of drama this week..so im just tired..very very tired..

im annoyed big time..that i loaned mommy money..and now im broke..beyond broke until i get paid again..and so im worrying..trying to figure it all out..trying to figure out what i need to do..and im stuck..i cant do a damn thing until i get paid again and it makes me so so mad..im lucky i put away money for therapy next week or i wouldnt be able to go..i barely have enough to cover meds and everything and its still going to screw my account up..no more loaning money..i cant..not until things are more in order and stable..im still playing catch up and it sucks..im sick of just getting by..i am..

surprisingly i dont want to cut right now..i want to sleep for a month but i dont want to cut...i had a bad dream last night..about nia getting married and i was wearing a sleeveless dress but i had the new cuts on my arm and i couldnt wear it..i messed up the wedding..it was not a good dream...i think i had a couple bad dreams last night..

-sigh-

i can do this..i can make it to monday..i have noo choice but to make it to monday ..

stress at work ...

work has been super stressful this week..we have had girls run away and they are all becoming way more sneaking and just ugh..a lot of arguing and yelling and hard things ... we have 10 girls in the group now..and there is always something going on..


there is something about yesterday that is really really bothering me..with so many girls in the group now we had the director come and talk to us about some of the behaviors..and maybe that is why im feeling so stupid...juts about all the girls have SA in there history..i knew that..but they are all starting to show 'grooming' behaviors..and that im just not understanding at all..im not getting how and why its going on..and i think ive been on the receving end of a couple attempts at grooming from the kids and i didnt even know or realize it..and its juts like little comments, or touching without asking..and i know my boundaries with them arent the firmest..but just the conversation yesterday is really bothering me because im not getting it.. but then i feel disappointed becase its one of the older girls that are kinda playing the younger girls for fools..and all that was learned yesterday is making me step back and relook at the girls..and i dont want to judge them because i know they are caught in this huge cycle of hurt and love and not knowing how to just be friends..but they are in a way preying on each other..trying to fullfill some need to dominate and hurt and its bothering me in a really big way..maybe ive juts been super naive but im feeling really manipulated by some of them..and i shouldnt i dont think..i dont know.. i need time to process and think through it but one day is not enough ..i have to be with them all weekend and im afraid my hurt feelings arent going to go away that quickly... i cant even tell if im taking it to personally and that makes me a little afraid to approach my supervisor about my concerns..i dont want to be told again not to take it personally ..i dont

im just worried..and on edge and really really confused

cut ttoday..
i should feelworse about it than i do ..

not ok

i dont know what to do right now..i dont know whats going on with us at all i know ive been tired today cas of how late we were last night..but today i dont know..i mean i got off work and my mood immediately fell big time i mean i was big time not ok..lots of bad thoughts and lots of rage and anger...and it was kinda directed at yvonnes absence..but it wasnt really about her you know..its just she ended up being the target in a way..but she wasnt here thankfully when i came home..and that just made me even more mad! i couldnt win for losing today..and then she came home and we were gonna go to be a move but the later it got the more i wasnt ok an the bad thoughts just kept getting worse ...it took a lot of energy to even talk to yvonne..i couldnt talk..i didnt want to talk..i was overwhelmed and not ok and sad and ready to cry all at once..i think i was suicidal at some point but i dont know..i almost told yvonne that i was suicidal a little bit and didnt because i didnt want her to know..i did tell her i was sorry for taking out my bad mood on her..mood lifted a little bit when she took us out for ice cream..and then we came home and we are alone again..and im not real sure about any of it right now throw in issues with food and not feeling good and im just one big ball of fun right now

Officially 2010!!!

wow

happy new year!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i realy really hope 2010 is an awesome awesome year! good things to come . i hope for good things to come !