so tired

well the urge to clean has been more than taken care of tonight..i cleaned my room..like a cleaning overhaul really..swept, vacuumed, moped, dusted, put laundry away, picked up trash, etc, etc, etc..cleaned all of dustis stuff even...worked super hard to get as much of the cat hair and dust up as i could and i think i did a good job you know..and 3 hours later and after putting it off for so long im pretty much done..just gotta finish a few things tomorrow sometime and well whatever it is mommy wants me to do..cas since im the only one upstairs then its kind of assumed im in charge of cleaning everything up here anyway..but whatever..i did it and hopefully its good enough cas i dont have the energy to do it all over again..but i have to admit it is always nice to have a clean room..and some weekend when mommy isnt here ill actually combat cleaning my closet out..but not tonight..

went to therapy today and it was ok actually..talked..i gave her ..well i let her copy the 'story' im working on..actually didnt color today though..but we did talk about my newest collages and shes like them lol..its funny..but i was very glad i went..next week it will just be once because of going out of town i think..and thats ok..

i already told mommy i would be going up to see my sister this weekend ..at least one day..cant spend both days at home..not this weekend..just cant deal with it..

and i just have to see one cl tomorrow..the baby for an hour and go to my pdoc appt..and thats my day..so maybe ill do something fun inbetween that..since it will be a huge huge break lol..may just come home..but dont know yet..

but im having a hard time keeping my eyes open so i better go and finish up what i still have out tonight and just call it a night!

things arent going to change

i will be on my best behavior from now on until i have moved. Mommy 'talked' to me today, and talked, and talked, and talked. Everything that i need to work on, that I need to be more open and talk to her. That she is concerned and scared about the scars, and on and on and on. She says that she doesnt care what I do but then still turns around and tells me what I need to do. I had to call around about the insurance for my car..and get all that straightened out..and I was feeling so excited and proud of myself for getting my insurance lower for next month once i catch up with this months lagging bill of course..and I tell her about it in my new effort to be as good as i can be..and yeah she told me i should be excited..and in the same breath told me that i needed to keep looking for something better..i would rather stay with my current insurance now..i would..but still how i handled it isnt good enough to just be..no i still have to work on it..i still have to make it better some how...she has been asking more than once if I am gay or not, which I still dont think is any of her business but after the remarks over the weekend about setting me up with one of my sisters husbands friends I am just not even going there with her..i dont care how open she thinks i need to be with her..and i really dont think im gonna tell her any more than i do now..but i guess i will have to make some sort of effort in it all to keep things cool until moving.

same old stuff

im ok..just sad but thats nothing new..keep having to remind myself that what happened yesterday was not ok..and that mommy had no right at all to do what she did..mother or not ..i guess its just the way she did it and just assumed she would get her way..im tired of her getting her way..and making me feel bad in the process..linda said its not ok that she can make me feel so bad so fast..that its not good that she has that much control and that i do agree with..but living here i dont think it will change..after leaving maybe it will be easier to separate things out and have more space and boundaries ..long term time away..something..but chatted last night with a couple ppl online and they got me really distracted onto other things..and it was good because then i had to think about other stuff to keep up with the convo..and gradually the issues with mommy werent as overwhelming.. going back to lay down for a little bit before talking myself into getting ready to leave

well it was a good day..but its not now

am so so so mad at the mom right now..she has no right at all to touch me anymore..none and what does she do..decides to check my legs cas of bug bites and starts pulling up my pants and finds out i have scars on my legs..i told her no she couldnt see them and asked her to stop..and when that didnt work i asked her to please stop..and she let go of me..but i freaking know thats not the end of it..what will it be next?? will she wake me up in the morning and tell me that she stayed up all night worrying about me?? what will everyone think?? who will she go and complain about me too?? all this time ive kept the bulk of them hidden from her..aand today is the day she sees a few of them..god i wish she would just leave me alone..was feeling so much better and now im almost back to where i was..stressed out and on edge and worried..big time worried..maybe she will be too ashamed of me to even bother bringing it up again..but no im most likely not that lucky..and she will bring it up again..and soon..and ill just be a failure and someone to be ashamed of

monday blues

emailed that last post to linda last night and yeah pretty embarrassed about it now .. but i guess its good she will know right? i dont know..just i dont know :snoopy went to work today and well it was good to get out of the house and just go to work and worry about someone else for a little while..still feeling really sad..but not suicidal anymore..so thats good..just wish the sad feelings will go away too..came home a little late and just hanging out at home..cleaned up a little bit..and really just want to go and lay down..early early day tomorrow..with paperwork and stuff and hopefully being on time for work tomorrow and linda and everything..think im going to ask if i can come twice this week..i think the huge amount of time inbetween sessions is really making it hard to deal with stuff..after going twice a week for so long..really i think i can only handle my head for short increments of time

watching coraline ...again..dont know what the appeal is to the movie..but yeah..watching it again..

not really feeling ok

i guess i really should have seen this coming..but i didn't..all week i've been stuck thinking about other stuff..past stuff..not obsessively but just thinking about a lot of different things a lot..and i cant seem to get any of it out..and so i keep thinking about it..writing isn't helping so much because i think i keep not writing what i really want to write..but i still cant put any of it into words and it frustrates and upsets me..

today ..this weekend..just hasnt been good at all..im tired of being in the house..im tired of being asked what im doing with my money..im tired of being questioned and picked on for no reason...why did mommy need to bring up any of my money issues with nia today?? they werent her concern..and they most certainly werent nias but still she brought it up to show how selfish i am..she tells me how much ive messed up..how much i havent done..how wrong i am..over and over and over..and walking away doesnt take awawy any of the words she says..i still konw..i still hear and it all hurts just the same..and its just being in the house and not really allowed to go anywhere that makes it worse..i messed up again..said to much..and now im paying for it..i said i didnt have money and in mommys eyes i have been to the store to many times in the past couple days..she wants to know what i bought and then gets pissed off when i dont tell her..if i even leave the house now i have to tell her where im going..im not allowed to spend the night with nia anymore because mommy doesnt want to be in the house alone..i dont do anything and what i do have is being slowly taken away from me now...i want to cry in frustration..anger..something..i want to scream all of my anger and hurt at someone and maybe that is why the urge to cut is so very strong right now..i want to hurt..i want to make my head stop..i want everything to stop and i want to be left alone..i mentioned that i wasnt allowed to go anywhere to yvonne and she asked me if i was grounded..something that i have never outwardly acknowledged at all..i was never grounded..i was hit and yelled at and told i couldnt do something but it was never grounding..but thinking about this weekend and the fact that i have to sneak out while mommy isnt home and i guess it is being grounded in a way..how can i be grounded?? im supposed to be an adult..i cant be grounded! and at the same time i know that ive pushed my limit for the weekend ..and im back in being good mode..i cant deal with another argument about my lack whatever it is that im lacking in this time..yvonne even offered to come and pick me up today..but i couldnt go with her..i have to go to work tomorrow..i cant just disappear..i may not come back at all..

all of it makes me tired ..and im just so sad right now..depressingly sad and slightly suicidal..really want to cut but that has changed since i know i wont do it..now i just want to go away..to be left alone ..to not be seen..i have such a headache ..sitting up makes it worse..laying down makes it hurt more..and i end up just wasting time staring into space because theres nothing i want to do..i just want to lay down and forget i even exist until its tomorrow and i have to go back to existing again..for now..i dont have to exist anywhere and im sure it wont be noticed..its been a while since ive left this bad and it makes me upset because i thought i was better..i thought it wouldnt happen again and that i wouldnt be suicidal anymore and i wouldnt have to deal with anymore thinking that i wanted to just go away..and its not true...i thought taking the meds would make it all go away and maybe i was just fooling myself into thinking that it would and that everything would be ok and happy and nothing would be wrong and its not like that..and i dont like it at all..because i start to forget how bad it can be and then a weekend like this happens and i have to remember again and i dont want too..all of my energy has to be focused on making sure i stay still..making sure i dont go and take all the meds that i have..or go out and buy razors that i want a lot right now..that i dont just get in my car and drive until im lost or something..because then it means i dont have to be at home..i cant even get out of the house if i wanted because of the alarm that is on the downstairs door..the box thing is in the kitchen and so mommy knows every single time the door is opened..and if i go out she will come after me and what to know what im doing..and its just not even worth it to bother trying. it really isnt..and before i became so annoyingly depressed i was thinking about how much i hated that i was always so focused on making everyone else happy and how i didnt want to do that anymore..because it was just too much work..too much energy..and now im back to having to be good and quiet and just kinda go away in some way...have to stay slightly unfocused..slightly out of it to even make it through the rest of the day..and then tomorrow ill wake up and not be able to even remember what i did if anything..i dont like this at all

just upset

and i knew it.. yeah i beat her home but she still brought up that im spending to much money after telling her i didnt have any ..it upsets me that she wants to tell me what i can and cant do with my money :( its not her business what im doing with my money..its just not..she asked for some and i gave her what i had..and still thats not good enough..she says she doesnt care but still she brings the issue up..why does it matter ??!! its not her business or her concern..im not asking her for money..ill make sure i never ask her again for money cas paying her back is to hard..and ok maybe i had money ..a little more than i told her ..but why would i tell her exactly how much i had when i know all she is going to do is tell me she needs it for some bill..she brings up how much she gets for me..groceries and what not..points out what i buy ..she asked yesterday what i bought at the store..she tried to ask today what i bought and i didnt tell her everything..but just being asked like that makes me upset and nervous..im glad she cant get into my bank account anymore..i really am..im selfish and should be more giving..i should do more around the house..blah blah blah..its all so stupid

another day

yesterday was frustrating a bit..and a lot of that had to do with work and my cl being an well frustrating to put it nicely..but we ended up going to the library and that was nice since i do like the library..how im in the middle of reading 3 books i still dont understand but yeah lol..and then i some how convinced myself that i needed to buy 3 movies that the library had on sale.. i remember quite clearly thinking i did not need the movies..and yet i still end up walking out of there with 3 movies ! lol...good thing they were only a dollar each! and then i went and hung out with the kids i babysit..well they were back and forth and i was just there for a few hours lol..not really doing anything ....but it was cool..cas both of them are still the same little rugrats ever and both still randomly come and hug me when i least expect it..i told there mom she needed to stop sending them to camp cas i didnt have anyone to hang out with!

but have to go to work a little earlier today because then i have to go to the office and exchange toys :) and i admit i am a little excited about that ..i love toy exchange days lol..its an excuse to 'try out' all the toys! and then after that i dont know what ill be doing..may babysit..may just end up at home..mommy already told me that i cant go and spend the entire weekend at my sisters..and now i just feel a little stuck because i dont want to be stuck here at all home weekend either..but when i go up to see nia i always end up staying way longer than i planned! and then never get home before midnight when i dont spend the night..so i dont know what to do about any of it just yet ..

all out of words

thoughts

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rambles in general

today once again did not get off to a very good start with mommy..its been two months since i have been in the house alone with her and well yeah..way to much attention all at once again..and its just hard i realize once again to be just me in the house alone with mommy..on another side note nia will be moving home once rob goes over seas ..she doesnt want to and i cant blame her..its like we are all cycling through being at home right now..but still ill take my chances at struggling my butt off in va still..and yeah it will be a hard hard super hard struggle for a while..

but anyway..mommy had issues with my hair this morning..seriously..made me go and redo my hair ..why it mattered i dont know..but it upset me..because its like i was just going to my sisters..i put on decent clothes..i did the usual would mommy approve train of thought while getting dressed..and still something was wrong..something had to be changed..and it was just depressing you know..cas i started thinking again that i wasnt good enough..and it was upsetting..but i try not to think about it to much..but through out the day the thoughts did creep into my head..and i had to push them away..think about something else..and i guess its ok..well not ok but just managing somehow i guess..

but went up to nias today to get away from being at home and it was fun..for the most part..i caught up on laundry and that was nice cas i was getting a bit behind! .. and we cooked out and hung out..watched a movie.and in general chilled out...i was the one who cooked the food on the grill and the only bad part was that the smell of smoke was stuck to me..the food turned out good but yeah way way too smokey..still feeling slightly sick but i dont know if its from the smoke or from eating way too much! both are making me feel slightly sick and nauseous ..want to just go and lay down but yeah gotta make up my bed first and put laundry away and i dont think ill manage at all right now..didnt get back from nias until almost midnight..and im glad mommy was sleep already cas she would have yelled at me..specially cas i told her i would be home by like 10 or so :( but she was sleep and i slipped in without her knowing what time it was..she may still yell in the morning but ill be more rested then i guess..

my usual money worries are going on..going to have to chance plans a bit..and im trying to figure out a way to work it all out and well no idea how any of it is gonna work out just yet ..

still picking at bug bites..i need to never ever ever use white sheets..all the bleeding bug bites just get all over the sheets and well yeah..not cool at all you know but just have to deal with it..its really not anything new..its just not been this bad in a while..essh

scary moment tonight when i almost ran out of gas in creepyville..not cool at all and i will never push my tank to run on gas fumes again..was so scared and nervous and worried i wouldnt make it to the gas station!

my newest favorite picture

dusti had a cute moment today :)
and actually stayed put for me to take the picture!

somethings are good..somethings are badddd

today has been draining and im not even sure why..thinking too much i think..feeling way too guilty about things ..just things in general i think..i dont know..im so confused and quiet..i want to be alone..i want to be acknowledged but i cant have both..and so i just go for being alone..because talked about that a little with t..how i isolate myself when im not feeling ok..and it true..i do..i know i do..but its so hard seeking support or hugs when there is no one that i trust like that near me :box ..looked for my bear last night and didnt even have the energy to get up and find it..ill pull it out tonight though and stick her back on my bed

but anyway..went to work..it was ok i guess..i was a bit more zoned out than usual..and my side of the conversation with my cl did not really consist of many actual words..and i almost feel bad for not paying attention and for thinking that i just wanted my client to leave me alone... but we went and saw harry potter and overall the feeling when leaving was disappointment..im not sure yet about the movie..it didnt keep my attention very well..maybe cas i was waiting so much to see what was going to happen at the end..and how it all played out..need to go and see it again..it was enjoyable you know..but not as good as what i was expecting..

and then i came home from work late and got rushed to go to this meeting thing about some new way to make money..and as much as i hated being forced into going..it does seem like a good idea to sign up for it..and ill be hooked into my brothers info and so as he makes money, i make money lol..and every little bit helps you know..but its interesting enough to look into a bit more seriously..but then mommy and my aunt were there too and they just made it so much more confusing than it needed to be..and they kept asking if i was going to refer ppl and get ppl signed up..and its like really ?! umm how many ppl do i know and talk to during the day? the week? the year?? who do they think im gonna get to sign up..and its like suddenly there is pressure where there doesnt need to be pressure..

and now im just tired..all that sleep last night and im still so very tired

yesterdays rambles

all i want to do right now and lay down and just zone out..managed alright i guess until t..and the sessions are turning into me just confusing t and getting her sidetracked away from things i dont want to talk about..well i try but she always manages to get me back on track..and today we talked more about one of the incidents i do remember slightly..and it was just i couldnt focus once we got started..and i listened to her but kinda stopped talking to her..and then im not sure..was really anxious when i left i know that..wanted to s'i horribly... stop at the store and just give in and buy razors but didnt..went and got a late lunch instead and read a book until calmed down enough to go home..the anxiety was really bad for a while..she said we would talk about it more..how can i talk about something that only fills me with shame and guilt? i feel nothing else about any of it..i dont hurt for what happened..i barely remember it..but talking about it..trying to talk about it..only makes me ashamed..maybe cas the blame is still so much in place that i cant feel anything else right now..i dont know..i just want to forget it..i can forget everything else but this ..this i remember and i dont want too..i say i cant talk about it..i do everything to get her away from the subject..but like she says i keep going..i keep trying..i say no and refuse to answer her while at the same time handing over my journal for her to read which is always full of just about everything and then some..how can i say no..think no..want to get up and leave her office and still sit there and freely give her my journal..so that she will know whats im thinking..what im doing? it means i want to get better right ? feel better ? then i feel bad also for the questions that i truly have no answers for :(...things i should know and dont...she talked a little about how i had written about how by the time this particular thing happened i had already learned to be quiet and do what i was told..but i dont know how i why i learned it..i dont know what happened before that to make it just an important thing to know..i dont know why it is just an important thing to know... it was just there..its always been there..but something had to put it there right?? those thoughts and beliefs cant just drop out of the sky on me can they?

im just full of questions and half thoughts tonight ..and im not sure i can get all of them out..

my other shock for the day was going to the pdoc office...they all know me ..like the ones i see the most i guess or the ones ive talked to in the past..(outside of the secretary person) the therapist there and the nurses..all know my name and remember me?! i havent been there for over a month and i just walk in today and they all say hi and ask how im doing..i guess i just get so used to thinking that im not important..not noticed or remembered...and then something like today happens when i am remembered and it shocks me ...ive done nothing to be remembered for but i am.. i dont know why...but i did get more samples..thankfully..and the nurse signed me up for an assistance program..and so ill get 3 months worth of meds delivered to their office and i can just go and pick them up..which is a huge worry off of me! i was stressing so much about how to cover a 100 dollar prescription when i was struggling with everything else right now...so im hoping that before i move they will reorder them for me..and so that will keep me ok with meds until like dec lol..

but now im just going to go and lay down for a bit..and hope the pressure in my head will ease a bit

starting to get stressed

well its monday again...ugh...not to thrilled it seems..have a really bad headache today..right now..just wanting to go back to bed..lots of worries about different things filling my head..trying to figure out how im going to be cramming everything that i need to do into this week.. so much to do it seems and im trying not to let it be overwhelming and i think its getting there.. :snoopy too much to think about..too much to deal with..oh boy..yes i think i really really need to see linda this week..just to have a bit of calm in the midst of a whirlwind..

just trying to even remember what i need to do..and i think i should prolly write stuff down..i have to make up an hour or so with work this week cas i flaked and didnt show up last week..so i think ill just stay later tomorrow since t was moved to a different day..and i have to get paperwork finished for today and turned in so that will be on less thing to stress about..need to figure out some place to do laundry this week..and other work stuff..if ill be babysitting..what im going to do about my prescription that i cant afford to fill..i have to reschedule pdoc cas i cant afford to see him either this week..the usual work and other issues going on..and in that im sure ill be cramming in transporting my brother to and from work as needed... i think im just stressed...and its a different type of stress i think..maybe it just feels different cas of seeing things differently lately..i dont know..

lol..so i wrote all that and then forgot what i had to do for the rest of the week..guess i should make a list huh..i have been thinking lots and lots about money and issues and moving and all that will involve and i hate how that to deal with all the stress we keep moving the date back..but it makes no sense to stress over it so much you know..so we finally picked oct 3rd to move..because of having to pay for so much other stuff right now..and needing to catch up..and having more time to go and check out stuff in va..finally just decided today that money wise it may not work out as soon as i want it too and i just refuse to borrow the money from mommy to move...i will not have her complaining and blaming me for her not having money..and then demanding that i pay her back before anything else..i hate that and so if i want to do it myself then that means pushing it farther away..but today i picked oct 3rd and thats what i will be working towards...i hope..its makes sense doesnt it? seems logical and well thought out right?? sometimes i wonder whether or not im making much sense

but im feeling better..work was work and it was ok...finished paperwork enough to turn it in tomorrow..and have to work tomorrow and then wed is linda..and thats cool..im hoping i wont be conned out of money by money for gas cas im trying so so hard to hold on to that money for t and not spend it on anything else..even gas..i just need to make it to the weekend and then i get paid next week and can afford stuff again..but for now its like uh no useless driving at all

bad timing

last night someone slashed my brothers tires while we was out in town..my brother isnt one to have enemies or whatever but you could see where they were slashed..who does that?? why would someone just randomly go and slash someones tires..tires arent cheap at all and replacing all 4 of them is a huge chunk of money..that no one freaking has...last night we had to go out there...mommy decided i needed to go for reasons im still not sure about..crap she made everyone go out there and look at it..they called the cops and everything and everyone just says that yeah they were slashed..and that it seemed like it was personal cas his car was the only one messed up...i feel bad for him i do..:( this is the second thing to happen to his car in less than 2 weeks and he is supposed to be leaving to go back to college next weekend and without his car he is seriously stuck right now..and because i was the only one around home with mommy when she found out about all of this..im the one getting yelled at and stuff cas shes flipping out about whats happened..and she cant do anything about it..so im in trouble and get dragged into town in the middle of the night to sit and watch everyone else sit and try to figure out what to do..its all a big mess..with seriously bad bad timing

you know what..yes im incredibly pissed off

you know what why is it that as soon as something good or decent happens then everyone wants to say how much they were willing to help?? how is it that now that i have a car everyone suddenly wants to make remarks about how helpful they could have been?? what the hell..it just upsets me because for 4 months i struggled and tried everything possible to keep a car..i worked my butt off to keep a rental, my aunts and uncles knew i was struggling..and no one ..not one of them offered to help me or loan me there cars or anything..and today we are having dinner and they started asking about driving my car and i said no..that no one would be driving my car..and the response was to make fun of my refusal to let anyone drive my car..to tell me that i needed to remember that they would be the ones helping if anything happened and that they wanted to know where my heart was...well you know what..my heart is buried in some small freaking box in the middle of no where because i said no and meant it and it just pissed me off..how can they just sit there and say how much they would have helped and that i needed to remember that when things are hard..and that i wont always be in on top..wtf???!!! four months i waited for the car..and do you know who helped me in the end?? mommy..no one else..not one person stepped in for any freaking thing and now they want to say they could have helped..could haves arent getting me anywhere..could haves arent doing a damn thing for me..mommy is the one who with all her arguing and complaining helped me and loaned me her car and money when i needed it..yes i have to suffer the constant reminders about it but oh well you know..she helped...and she didnt stand up for me..she didnt mention how much it took for me to keep the rentals for so long..she didnt say anything and i end up being the bad one..the mean one for saying no that no one could drive my car..im so so so upset right now

im upset..anxious..really wanting to pace back and forth and ramble on with my thoughts..they are moving into things that i dont want to really think about and i get scared..i am scared..and so so jealous..maybe its not jealously at all but thats all i know how to identify it as..i knew when i started watching the tv show what it was about..i figured it out from the commercials but i had to watch it..i had to see what happens..and it always plays out the same way..the kid is hurt..they forget..they grow up..they remember for whatever reason..they confront whoever hurt them..they tell..they are believed..they end up in therapy..and everything is all happy and healthy and good and its all a bunch of bs and i hate it because thats not the way it happens..its not its not its not ..it never happens that way..really you want to know why i never said anything at all?? because mommy wouldnt believe me..because it would have been my fault..i would have been in trouble..i did something wrong..and i didnt do anything i was just there..i was just following directions..i was good, and quiet, and did what i was asked to do..i dont remember what happened..i really dont..and how can not remembering make me feel so afraid and upset? its like i know something happened..something always happened..but then i dont know what it was exactly..how far it went..everything gets all jumbled up and then nothing is there at all..i dont even know why its bothering me so much..its just it always upsets me that the way its played out on tv makes it all seem like its not as big deal..that it all turns out ok..and it doesnt..its not all fixed in an hour.its not always believed..its not anything at all..it all just .. i just want it all to go away

i got my car !

and its awesome!

ashamed and hurt and i dont know

how can i be jealous of a 14 yr old..how is it that im so easily dismissable and forgotten? how is it so easy for me to be replaced, pushed aside, ignored when i am standing right there??? how come i never get the attention i want from mommy when im doing everything she is asking me for? my niece is here..staying..one of them anyway..shes 14..we have nothing in common but shes family and shes here and so i have to acknowledge her every so often when i see her...today we are stuck cleaning up..like full household cleaning..every room, every stupid floor, everything dusted, swept, wiped down, etc, all 50 million rooms in the house must be cleaned...more family is coming tomorrow for the holiday..everything must be in order, everything must be scrubbed down..i didnt complain when she told me i had to help..i just grabbed my ipod and started working..its easier to ignore mommy when i cant hear her..but about an hour in she just mentions that my niece is such a good cleaner, and a hard worker..i am doing the same stuff, im doing what she has asked me to do and its like its not the same..im not working hard enough..im not good enough..im doing something wrong..theres always someone to compare me too..and right now its a 14 yr old..how come i cant be like her..how come i cant get the attention she has ..and it just hurt you know..im working my butt off for no acknowledgment what so ever..she is working her butt off and at least she gets a good job..something..anything..its like what i do doesnt count at all..and im ashamed of myself for being jealous..

its not fair :(

nightly rambles

Im ok..awake still and tired and well to many things to really mention but yes ok again. we have read two full books tonight which is prolly why im still wired completely and awake..but the first one turned into a trigger for some of the eating issues and i think that is what brought forth the sad feelings..

and mommy lost some money today and she kept asking if i had seen it when i hadnt but its like she wasnt trusting that i was telling the truth..just kinda i dont know ..made me feel bad..cas i told her no..and it was the truth and she just kept asking me like i was lying ..being accused of things is a big big trigger im guessing...guess today well tonight has been one thing after another in that aspect of things..

have been picking at bug bites again..they are all bleeding..yet again ..you would think i would learn my lesson and stop adding more spots to my already scarred body..but no..i keep picking..scratching..whatever it takes...but im not cutting ... and yet that doesnt make me feel happy at all

ok day

today has been ok i guess...

but im learning a bit more about how im dealing with the meds..and except for the tiredness the only other thing hanging around is the issues with eating..i take them in the morning and so i am trying to work through the tiredness during the day...i just prefer to take them in the morning vs at night..easier to remember and stuff ..but if i take it without eating then it kills my appetite for the day...if i take it with food then im alright..its so weird..maybe the heat today just made it seem worse..but in general i think im handling them well..

saw linda today..and that went ok too...she knows about the moving and thinks its a good idea..which i already could have guessed but it was nice hearing it from her..and she said that it shows a lot of growth you know..and we talked about ending vs transitioning..and mentioned that she would call some of the friends in va and ask about referrals..which i told her would help a lot..im thinking that it may take a while to get settled in and everything before i want to tackle the task of finding a new t..and knowing that linda would be willling to keep working with me (albeit not as often) made me feel better..because i think i may be back and forth a bit for at least a couple months..when i first move..mostly because of the kids i babysit and coming back on the weekends to see them...and then of course the possibility of not having a job and being able to come back on the weekends..fri - sunday..and being able to see t every couple weeks maybe..i dont know yet what to do about that..and also she mentioned that im moving right as we are starting to get anywhere with therapy..and i have to admit i had been thinking about that since yesterday ..and she does have a point..but i promise i didnt base the decision on whether or not it would help me get out of therapy..i guess it makes me feel a little guilty..just because of how it happened ..but gosh i think ive been with her long enough to know that if i dont want to talk about something..moving is not the way to get out of it :P and for that reason i know i will keep working on stuff..because im slightly afraid that if i stop now and then change therapists..the stress alone will stop me from talking about anything at all..and it took me so long to start talking to her as it is you know..stopping now really wouldnt be the best option

surreal

i really dont know why i even bothered with all the cleaning this morning..she didnt notice..i didnt expect her to but i still wanted it .. one of these days i will get around to not wanting it so much..to being able to let it go..but for now i still just cant..i hope it will be easier once i move..i hope a lot of things will be easier once i move

all the car stuff has drained me..im done..im tired of it all..going a different route and looking into used cars now..i was going to consider getting my uncles car but that will be to much stress and more 'family' in my business..so that thought didnt last long at all...it was a nice thought but i figured out it would not be the best thing..my other option..my only other option really is taking all of my next pay check and putting a down payment on a car..a used one..and going from there..and that is a huge huge leap of faith that it will work you know..but already im looking at not working from this thursday to next tuesday when i get a car 'hopefully'..cas i dont get paid again until next week..and well i wont get into how far into the negative zone my account has gone right this minute..but i really would just rather miss work for a few days instead of stressing about coming up with money for a rental car again..i just cant deal with that either right now..

bill collectors piss me off..really truly they do..i was nice enough to call and ask them to cancel a payment for me..and after being transferred a million times i ended up with the rudest guy ever..and im trying to explain that i dont have the money you know..and he keeps telling me that once its in its set in stone and what not and just annoyed me and i just finally 'almost' yelled at him that he could run my account or not but the money wasnt there..and that at least i was nice enough to call in advance and let him know..and in the end he canceled it..but good grief..

chatted with mommy about all the moving stuff and she is really ok with it...shocked the crap out of me..seriously..we really talked today about what i wanted to do about moving..and knowing that i would need a job and money and all of that..we talked about what i would need to move and offered different options even with leaving without having a job... its all so different all of a sudden you know..maybe its just knowing that im so so close to being away from here..and that struggling with my friend is not the same as struggling at home ..and ill take my chances up there you know...


and of course theres now the possibility of getting more hours at work..of course that happens now! when im looking at moving soon..

and you know what..i managed to have an entire conversation with my sister today about what i wanted...what i wanted to do..what i thought about all the car stuff and some other things going on..and it was ok you know..she listened ..and told me what she thought about it too..normally that doesnt happen...in a week ive managed to make more real decisions and stick to them than i have been able to do in a long long time..i can think through and decide something without freaking out about it...im thinking that it was a good idea for me to do meds for now anyway..

guess thats all of my rambles for today ;) im going to bed...i can relax a bit tonight because i already turned in paperwork for this week!! yep..i learned my lesson with the lateness the last time..they have gotten stricter about withholding pay if notes are late..and i was late for two weeks! crap you know..but no more late notes..nope nope :)

things are changing

yesterday..after months of refusing, of doing everything in my power to stay put and i guess suffer in a way..i told my friend that i would move to va with her..she flat out asked me yesterday if i would move up there with her..i freaked out about it for about an hour before telling her i would do it.. i want to go, i want to leave here, start over, get away from home..and this is my way out..this is the way to do it without having to do it alone..and freaking out even more about it..im going to live with some i know and am used too..and that is better i think..specially money wise to do it this way..i asked her to give me a month to get things in order..to get a car..so we are looking at me moving in aug..that would be the shortest amount of time..i may short for the middle of aug if im starting to feel a little bit rushed or things arent working out so well...but i figured a month was a far amount of time to keep me slightly motivated to stay on task and actually get things done..i hope

i told mommy last night..i told my younger brother and sister yesterday..my brother told me bye..my sister doesnt want me to go but after talking a bit she told me that she thought i had thought it out enough and that if thats what i wanted then i should do it...mommy told me that she hoped i would get a car and that as long as i was happy she was fine with it , she asked why..and i told her that i wanted to do it..:unsure: that upset me some..i wanted her to tell me that i had to stay..that she needed/wanted me to stay..i wanted a reason to be upset about it..i wanted a reason to be ok with deciding finally to go and i didnt get it from her..not yet anyway..because i told her while she was out of town and that is most likely why she was so nice about..but on that ride back from the hospital on monday i know the topic will come back up..i know she will ask more questions about it..i know she wont let it go so easily..

im scared..really scared..wondering if i am making the biggest worst choice ever..and yet im going to do it..i know i am...linda tells me that with some things you just have to do it..and try..and see what happens...it makes me so very uncomfortable..and scared and worried..but im not anxious about it..i guess i know that it is the best idea..even if it means leaving everything and starting over ... i dont know what i want to be told about it though..i keep asking everyone what they think..knowing that no one else can really make the decision for me..but i think i want someone to just want me to stay or something

crazy crazy day...but ill have to write more later on

you know what i was thinking the other day...
that there arent enough drugs in the world to make being at home ok

how depressing is that

feeling ok

so feeling better today..more settled at least..head is quiet again..have moved on i guess..you know the suicidal thoughts havent been around for a couple weeks now..its been so long since ive had a break from them you know.even yesterday battling all the shameful feelings i wasnt feeling sucidal at all..just lots sad ...but feeling better today and i think thats good ...im kinda glad now that i agreed to try the meds

last night mommy actually talked to me..and asked my opinion about stuff..not that i talked so much because my sister was talking more and i just added in a few things here and there..but i think thats why its so hard to let go completely with her...because every so often something like last night will happen and i can control my temper and not get defensive and stop listening or get yelled at or anything..even though it happens like once every 3 months or something..and even last night while talking i was still the second rate person because every thing that got her attention meant i would have to wait to finish what i was saying or telling her..and the phone ringing is a huge let down because then its like im forgotten again..and its not fair..but i still wait for her..and i wish i would stop

but umm pretty much mommy is going out of town for an entire week!! she leaves on tuesday and i get to take her to the airport at 5 in the morning..but i dont care because it will be a full week of freedom..no yelling at all..barely have to talk to her even..and she will be gone until next week..and holy cow its going to be so quiet..

im going back up to nias tonight and spending the night there..and coming back tomorrow in time for work..

so i guess im doing ok

-hard day

remembering things id rather forget..
lots of blame/shame involved and its all hard to work through because this is one of those things that i know ended up being my fault and i just cant get past that thought at all right now..

just worried....big big time worried about everything right now

failure

i just feel like a failure in everything right now..i cant do anything..i havent done anything..and it seems all ive done is really mess up in all areas of life

rotten rotten luck

things are just going from bad to worse ..and all of it is nothing i have any control over what so ever...i want to cry..scream..something..i dont know..its all so frustrating and hard

im without a car still and that is not looking like it will be taken care of any time soon..keep paying for the rental and not paying anything else..and so all of my bills are behind..and today mommy lets me know again that its my fault some how that this has taken so long..i wasnt aggressive enough..i didnt call enough..i have just messed everything up havent i :(

mommy is looking at possibly losing the house because of some loan thing not going through..and thats just added stress to all of this..and i dont know how that is going to be resolved at all

the pressure to find a job ..and move ..and all of that is being loaded on me..it would be easier for mommy with me gone ..just i dont know..i have to find a different job..maybe even 2 if i have too just to cover bills..but without a car i cant do anything at all..and i cant go anywhere with the car now because i cant get it refinanced until the other one is closed out..and im told that could be another month or more..and i cant wait that long i cant..and its not like i know anyone willing to put a car in there name for me..thats a huge commitment and just a huge thing to even consider asking someone..not that i would..but things are just really not ok right now with anything and im afraid of what is going to happen

usual stuff

i ended up falling asleep majorly early last night..all i did was lay down to just think a bit and the next thing i know im waking up a couple hours later with no idea that i had even been sleep .. but then i got up for a few minutes and went back to sleep..and then i got up a 4ish for a bit..and surprisingly enough there are cartoons on at 4 in the morning .and watched tv for a bit and then fell back to sleep..and now im up again and actually had to get out of bed since its time to get up for the day..and after all of that sleep im still tired! go figure

so i guess im a bit calmer from the upsets of yesterday..seriously worried about the car stuff..and im worried ill be not able to go to work tomorrow or friday..mommy tells me not to worry except i have no idea how not to worry! i cant go to work! and that obviously doesnt mean the same thing to her as it does to me.. and its all just frustrating big time

im applying for a part time job...or trying to anyway..the application is killing me ...its a faith based organization and so some of the questions are in regards to religion and testimonies and i have no idea what to put..essh because i realized that i will need something to do on the weekends and well working part time may be a really good idea..and it will be extra money you know..i will try to finish the application and get it turned in..but im not sure about those questions :( but then i saw another part time opening for the same type job that isnt faith based and i may apply for that also...im still waiting to hear back about the other job..and ill have to call the lady back again today and ask...but im still working on applications and things..so thats good i think..

but i guess thats all...some things with therapy going on but nothing new..

wow

it really is weird being able to think through so much ...really do miss the chaos but im guessing once im used to it then it will be much better to deal with..you know today i laughed and it actually felt like i meant it ..wow not even sure how to begin to explain that one..its just all feeling so .. oh i dont know

but i actually finished my work stuff and turned it in today..i think ill make it to bed tonight before 12!! gosh its been days since ive gone to bed before midnight..and then even better no waking up at 4 in the morning to finish paperwork!!! thats awesome :D

tomorrow is a new day..and it actually feels like that..its not something to be avoided

and wow if i start trying to become mary poppins please i beg you throw something at me!!

weekend

the weekend was ok..slightly boring..mommy was gone for a couple days kinda..and so it was quiet at home...and then i was babysitting both friday and saturday night and we had fun hanging out with the kids...played board games, watched movies at there house..the general goofing around that babysitting entails! but they were being exceptionally loving this past weekend..or maybe im just noticing it a bit more and accepting it..i dont know..but i had fun ..and then yesterday there were a few issues with mommy but trying not to think about it to much..ended up going up to nias and we went to the movies...was going to see up and couldnt because they only had the 3d version at that movie place and i dont like 3d movies at all..and want to see it just regularly ..so have to wait to see it ..and so we went and saw taking of pelham 123. and then i talked nia into watching the disney channel for a couple hours ..i did laundry at her place lol...and then we played little big planet..holy cow that is a fun game :) !! it was awesome..i made a little sock person and mine had blue hair and fairy wings and a magicians wand lol..i wanted the cape but nia had the cape so i picked the wings instead..and its like you get to race and go through all these different levels that different players can build and you can play online with other ppl..and seriously me and nia playing together didnt make it very far in the levels lol..she would leave me and then i would die because once you arent visible on the screen your lil character bites the dust..and so she left me, i left her, i set off bombs cas i didnt know what i was doing..and then once in a race she left me and i chased her down the ice and jumped on her sled lol..she thought i was going to die but instead i caught her and got on the sled lol..and of course this is the one game in the world where you can completely hit the other player! like i was creating my player and my sister kept slapping me and making me fall down..and then she showed me how to do it and we spent massive amounts of time chasing each other in the game just to hit each other ..specially if we were arguing about who cheated first

but this up coming weekend im gonna have to figure out something to do..some family thing going on that i have no intention of going too..so ill prolly just say i have to work or something and disappear a bit..

the car stuff is moving along but its not turning out so good really...the insurance that i have been waiting for so long to be canceled finally is..but they arent paying the full balance due..and so that leaves me with a balance i cant afford to pay..and not sure how that will play out with the finance company now because if i dont get reapproved for a loan for a car then i cant get one and ill be even more stuck :( so frustrating..the other better side would be that they just tack on the last of the balance to the new loan and ill just have to pay it off like that and ill be able to get a car...i hate all this

but its been a week on the meds..and its getting better i think..easier to feel ok with taking them now that they arent making me feel completely miserable..im able to think a little slower and not jump way ahead of myself and start worrying about everything but what i have to do.its still hard realizing that my thinking is moving slower and clearer..but im glad i can think and figure things out...with all that is going on i know that ill be staying in the area i am at now..since everything is being set up here..for a while longer..you know still looking for a job and hoping to move but the anxiety about doing it as fast as possible is wearing down..i can do it you know, i will do it but rushing and pushing myself to do it doesnt get me there any faster..so slowing down a little bit and being ok with it is a very good thing lol..

but im off to finish paperwork and get ready for work...fun times

need to ramble

i dont know what i want to write about..but there are so many things stuck in my head right now.. a lot about things that happened yesterday and what i didnt like about it..

therapy yesterday..was hard..i was going to say it sucked royally but changed my mind cas well i just did..but linda talked to the doc that i saw on monday..and they talked about me which i dont mind so much since i did give linda permission to talk to them and what not...but then she just had to go and bring up the questions about whether or not i was sexually abused...i dont care who asks me that question, the answer is always no..or i dont know..but i know saying i dont know is not better than just leaving it at no..i might as well be wearing a neon sign that says the answer is yes..but i wont say it..im not sure ill ever say it or acknowledge it or anything..i cant ..i dont want too..and i know linda cant do anything with it if i keep denying it..and i keep denying it..no matter what i want to say or not say it doesnt matter..i tell myself to calm down and say no, or not to say anything..but while she was talking to me about yesterday and i tried to listen to her but i was getting to scared..and it was back to standing on some line and being unable to decide what i wanted to do..stay and listen or run and hide..i wanted to run..hide..block out everything she was saying..but i think i was to scared to even try .. i was getting upset, mad at her for asking me, for making me think about it..work very hard not to think about any of it because i dont remember and i dont like thinking about it because then i try to remember what happened..and i cant...just little things that i dont like..i dont want to know it.after wasting forever and not being able to say anything i finally asked her if we could talk about something else..and she let me change the subject..its just still making me upset..

went and saw the pdoc yesterday also..seriously they made me wait so long i was going to get ready to leave when he came and got me..its just that there were so many ppl ahead of me and maybe he started late or something..but i waited for like an hour or so before i was even called back.. i guess he is ok..dont know yet if i like him or not..but it wasnt horrible talking to him ..and the convo wasnt all that interesting..his professional opinion is that i was depressed..gee i didnt know that..but he didnt change the meds or anything and that was good..but i have to go back next month..i almost managed to make it through the whole appt without him noticing or bring up the scars..and i was leaving his office..when he stopped me and asked me to come back for a minute..and of course it was like holy crap...and he told me he noticed the scars and asked if they were from cutting..didnt beat around the bush on that question..but i told him that i hadnt done it since dec and i hadnt and that brought up more questions about suicide..and then he started asking me if i had ever been in group therapy..he told me that i really needed to consider doing dbt group therapy..to help with the urges and cooping skills and things..he referred me..but also told me that i could talk it over with my therapist which i agreed to do..im just not sure about group therapy..he said that with dbt we arent talking about past stuff really.just more of talking about the here and now, being present, coping skills, etc...and i know it would prolly be a big help you know but it would also be a big big commitment..cas on one of the sites i started posting at about meds and what not..there were messages about dbt and its 6 months! like just starting out its 6 months...and its like well heck that means ill be staying in wilmington now! cas now all of my docs are here..and all this other stuff...its a lot to take in..and process and deal with..

bothered

im ok really i am..but im just off some how..it is so different having my head be quiet, having my thoughts just kinda drift without any real direction..i cant seem to be anxious or as nervous as i usually am and its bothering me..how can it be bothering me?! i should be happy..i should want this..and now that i have the quietness im not sure i want it anymore :( its to quiet, and still in my head..ive been present the past couple days but not focusing very well..and its different..its not good or bad..its just different..and i miss what i know and what im used to, even if it is all the bad and obsessive thoughts, and worries and stress..im use to that and can get past it i guess..and just kinda going from all to nothing has thrown me big time..and im not sure about it

feeling a little better

m almost feeling normal right now..nothing major going on in my head..and im not feeling horribly sick like the past couple days...the side effects are starting to wear off i hope...yesterday was bad on a unable to eat level because of feeling so queasy...but that feeling isnt there today and im hoping it stays away..so just the normal extra tired so far today..

head is a lot calmer the past few days..the anxiety isnt as strong..the depression isnt as strong either..nia and henry both asked me about a dance show that i normally watch and to see if i was watching it..my response was ..no aladdin is on ..the sad part would be they werent even surprised!! a lot of just laying down and watching cartoons and things when im not at work..

it looks like yvonne will be able to keep dusti for me for a little while..which means i need to stay on top of getting another job if i want to get her back...but she was asking me about it last night and of course i started to panic because i didnt want to let her take dusti but i know its best if dusti gets out of the house for a bit if possible... but now that im looking at her actually going im not sure anymore ... and dusti actually hissed at my brother the other night...i was in the room when it happened and it was like holy cow what just happened..dusti was protecting the door i guess and he was just getting to close is all i can think of because he wasnt even in my room yet...shes still the same with me..but yeah..shes not liking him to much at all lol

mommy confuses me :( she tells me not to eat and then tells me to eat and then i dont know..

yvonnes birthday is today and i was asking her about what she was going to do..and she told me what her plans were and then said that i should come too..and i said no because i dont have the money to drive up there and see her right now..and she told me that she would see if she can come and pick me up and we are going to the beach to see her mom and what not..which i dont mind..but i feel bad making her drive all that time to come and get me you know..but thinking about it over night i realized that i do what to go..i just want to get out of the house for a while completely..if possible...im super worried about money and paying for it and will prolly beg money from my friend while im there ..which in some ways makes me feel horrible because well i should have money but i dont stupid rental is really messing up that..and then just because i know she does a lot of things for me money wise and i dont want her to think i only do stuff with her cas she will pay for me if i cant cover it..but thats just me being stupid..cas she has already told me before that she knows i dont do anything for the money and that she likes to make me happy and get me to smile..so maybe i should stop worrying about it :-/ and find out if i can go..well if she can come and get me..because yeah it would be pretty stupid to not go..especially if i dont have to drive it..

but yes..feeling a bit better today

ok

some things are better today..after waking up today..was able to sleep but still really tired..but weird things with my eyes again when trying to wake up but now that im up it seems to be ok..still feeling really sick..but no worse at least..maybe that counts as improvement

but really im up super early so i can get work finished because im just sick of having it hang over me..and im afraid i wont turn it in at all if i let it go much longer ...and thats a whole paycheck ill be out of .. so maybe ill be able to take a nap or something or maybe ill just pretend i can take a nap and some how make it through the day without falling asleep !

they come and go..the side effects..that part i think is the most frustrating..i finally managed to eat something..my stomach calmed down and the thought of eating didnt want to make me throw up again so i grabbed dinner while i could..the sick feelings are coming back though and so i guess laaying down is the best option for now..i really hope all this passes quickly

stressed out ..but not

today has been interesting i think..

didnt do paperwork this morning --insert whatever curse word you like here-- big mistake but one that i will catch up on tomorrow morning

the interview was ok..lots of questions..i had a hard time looking at the lady but i did talk to her..

t was ok..managed to talk a bit more than usual :-/

and then the meds are giving me side effects already and i have to keep reminding myself that they will pass..and that i just cant stop the meds cas i dont like the side effects..they arent bad bad just annoying...the being sleepiness and then being unable to sleep is one..then today i can add headaches, and dry mouth, and blurred vision, and queasiness to the list... seriously its like im going through the list of all the side effects one by one..ugh..and then driving today for a bit my vision went all screwy..and it wasnt really blurred it was more double and not being able to really focus on things that were to far away..:( that was scary.and made me really nervous..but it didnt happen later when i was driving...i think maybe the added stress of today in general is making the side effects worse..and then not eating enough and being tired in general and then being really hot is making them be more prominent i guess :( im keeping an eye on them and hoping nothing worse happens..and im hoping that ill get to see the pdoc on friday.. but im worried about taking anything for my headache because im not sure if it would cause a reaction.. i wish i could take something to make me sleep or at least stop the massive headache but im afraid to mix anything right now with the lexapro..its so not cool that the meds that are supposed to help me emotionally..make me feel crappy pyhsically ...essh..so im just hoping i will wait it out and not stop them..but really its hard going all day and feeling so tired and out of it ..but at the same time i can tell the mood is lifting a bit and staying pretty level today..maybe its just from the thought that im taking the meds vs the actual meds since its only been a couple days but still..its just a weird different feeling..like something is going on but its neither good or bad yet..if that makes sense .. but otherwise okish today all things considered..and so im stuck waiting it out for now i guess..it does suck royally and its tiring ..

and now i can add lose of appetite to the list...im just going to bed

its early..i want to go back to bed

i just feel the need to say that whoever invented alarm clocks should be hurt seriously..or taken to the middle of no where and just left good grief

so im gonna go out on a limb here and say im a little cranky at being up at 4 in the morning..slightly nervous about the day but i think i just want to get it over and done with now...gotta finish paperwork..my fault for not doing it sooner...and then rush back to get ready for the interview and get there on time and then go to t and then to work..im tired just thinking about it..actually it doesnt feel like i slept at all last night..i think i got up every hour to mess with something or other and then laid back down..which is something i never do and so it is frustrating..tonight im going to bed super early..maybe it will help?! i know i have to be patient and let the meds even out in my system but the not sleeping thing when im yawning like ive been up for days is just not ok

its interesting though..because i can feel the anxiety about the day trying to build...but it only goes so far and then it kinda starts to back off again..slightly weird and alarming ...

crap i just want to go to bed and not even mess with paperwork until tonight..but if i just keep putting it off then i dont get paid ..and not even thats helping me right now because its just screwing up my paycheck.. oh i dont know..i was doing so good too..essh

today

today has been an interesting day..i went to work and attended a crisis meeting type thing for one of the ladies i worked with..she gets pretty suicidal at times and im sitting there thinking well crap is this what its going to come to me?? but it was ok..i was just helping the cl answer some of the questions..and i was late and i left early so im sure i made a good impression ..but i had to leave early to see the pdoc and they kept me there for an hour and a half! i was late getting back to work..essh...but this time it did go a little bit better in some ways..and well not as well in others...the lady i saw wasnt a pdoc she was an intern and she had real issues with that i hadnt been to see the pdoc yet and that i kept coming and not seeing him..so i have to go back on friday to see him..but again i have to wait to be told a time ...so i will see how that goes..but after i finished talking to the doc i was seeing today i swear everyone knew that i had been screwed over more than once with the scheduling and so they all promised you know that i would get in on friday to see him..so i guess ill have to wait and see what happens with that...the doc though i saw today put me back on lexapro because i had taken it before and i told her i dont think i had any reactions to it..and that i would prefer lexapro to prozac because that one i didnt like at all..and she gave me samples so i didnt have to spend the money on a prescription..and we talked about a lot of different things...she talked and tried to get me to talk..with in the first 20 or so minutes she stated that i wouldnt look at her..and a bit after that she told me that i had problems with talking about myself and what has happened to me, etc..which i find funny because shes right of course..those are two things i really dont deny at all..she wondered how i had managed to get out of seeing a pdoc until now kinda..considering you know that all of this has been going on for a really long time ... all of them ask about the hospital and what not ..but then we talked quite a bit about suicide and everything and she told me that her decision for putting me back on lexapro was because she didnt want to give me anything stronger that i could overdose on...and then she told me that she would prefer i was getting more intensive therapy..and i had to tell her that i wasnt leaving my therapist now so that issue she let drop..but back to the convo on meds..she told me that she thinks i will need a stronger combo of meds to help with the issues im having..but because of the sui stuff she didnt want to do that and will leave it to the pdoc to decide..thats the same reason kinda that she decided to stick to just starting me on one and seeing how that went before stopping it or changing it or something.. it just makes me feel really crazy to be told you know that i need more help, that im not getting enough :( i mean i would think i manage ok most days...but then bad days arent horribly bad..and the suicidal thoughts can be overwhelming on a pretty regular basis..but that doesnt make me crazy does it? i dont know..i told her i would try and i will and this time i wont just randomly stop them because i dont like taking them ...


i took the first dose today after i left the place and stopped to find info on the meds cas i had forgotten it all...and seriously i was ready to just go to bed a couple hours ago im so tired ..im trying to stay awake long enough to clean up a bit and organize work stuff to turn in tomorrow..but im not sure ill make it lol..and then theres the interview tomorrow but thats not even stressing me right now..mommy had her way and ill be wearing long sleeves tomorrow because i saw no point anymore in arguing about it you know...she had her say last night and let me know just how rotten and selfish i was.when all she was doing was trying to help and understand me..so i shut up about everything and just stood there and listened...and then the issue of dusti came up and things just fell apart from there...i wont cry over anything else but the thought of giving dusti away had me crying for an hour :'( not good at all


ps..i also showed the doc my arms and some of the other scars..the real ones..and she touched them and then told me that i didnt have to be ashamed of them ..that it would be ok

maybe thats exactly what im doing..looking for another way to kill myself and well its not like i have many options left..too much time away has made me not expect her to do anything and that was pretty stupid on my part..obviously i dont care if i die or not..obviously the scars will stop me from doing anything at all so why do i even bother trying..no i dont care..stupid me for thinking any different.take one away and something else has to take its place..maybe cutting just started it all..but thats not right because i was purging way before i started cutting..so i guess that started it..and then there was burning myself..which was a lot less messy..cutting and purging can both become really messy issues..but take all those away and then i was just suicidal..and wanted anything at all to make it go away..these days i guess binging wins most days for things to do to myself..but its not really done in a harming sort of way..i ijust want something to get my mind off of everything else..good, bad, upset, lonely, whatever it is..everything is all wrong..and i know given enough time i will do it and it wont matter..and its back to where it was a week ago..if i can just manage to pull away from everything then it wont matter and i can just go back to killing myself incredibly slowly..mommy wins again doesnt she ..she always win and then i just wonder what im doing..and what im thinking of doing will make linda so mad at me..it will make everyone mad at me..and that should concern me..i wish it did..but im almost wishing i could talk myself out of what ever it is that im trying to plan or think about or want..im thinking about everything all at once ..it has been made pretty clear that dusti is causing to much trouble for mommy in the house..even though she has been trapped upstairs and not allowed downstairs anymore..and im not here enough to keep her off of stuff and i was so sure i would never have to give her up..my head hurts with the stress of so many things and no way to work any of it out..theres no one to take dusti for me..and i dont know how ill keep her under the radar from mommy..maybe ill be able to find a job between and now whenever and be able to leave with dusti..if i gave her to the pound..there would be no reason at all for me to even bother coming home anymore..what will i need to give up inorder to keep dusti..food..breathing..living..there were other things in the nice conversation mommy had with me...and all that came out of it was that i have an attitude to much of the time, i need to lose weight, and i need to do something about dusti..not caring and working out killing myself and job search issues where in there too..and all done with my best interest in mind..how long has she been holding that conversation in..have things just been to quiet lately or something..i dont know..i should have expected something to happen..there were to many calm days i guess..but its all done with for now im assuming..one of those never ending dont let your guard down type days and i wasnt ready..my fault..but lets see how many stupid things i can do in a weeks time and go from there

curiousty killed something..i think

an interesting thing happened and i dont know why i never really considered it before...i didnt think twice when i put up a picture of me and one of the kids i worked with on facebook. it is a picture i like and find rather cute since it was one of his peaceful moments ..but i never put much thought into the fact that he could be mistaken for my child...i was shocked as heck when i got a message from someone telling me i had a beautiful baby..and it took a minute to even realize she was referring to the kid in the picture..and then its just funny..i guess thats just one of those things that would be assumed just based on the picture alone..but he is not mine..he is a cute kid..and there were times i wanted to take him home with me but no..i dont have kids and really dont think that will ever change..

but it was just one of those things that i forget ever even happen to me..at random times..i dont know

theres something else ive been wondering about dealing with cutting but ill have to write about it a bit later

what ive wanted to say all day


i dont like my reality
i need another one

and now im going to go and get lost in the world of the sims where everything always works out and everyone does what i say

im upset..angry..pissed off..annoyed..frustrated..trying to control myself..and my thoughts and none of it is going well because im to upset to even really be bothered with it..im really not liking the place where im supposed to be seeing the pdoc at ...i was rescheduled again today..after waiting for almost 45 minutes just to be told that i wasnt even on the schedule..and i dont know how that happened since the other lady called and told me i was when i was cancelled on last time..and its just so so stupid and a waste of time for me to keep showing up just to be told i cant be seen..hello ppl gas doesnt grow on freaking trees here..and im just mad and need to go and do something to stay busy

no i didnt get the job i interviewed for yesterday.
its ok. just a little disappointed.
:(

it didnt kill me

no ..not sleeping well at all..still so tired but also up and ugh..just want to go back to bed and not think about anything at all..maybe i just dont want to do anything at all..curl up under the covers and just sleep..i really truly hope next week is less stressful..

the interview yesterday was actually fairly ok..i thought i was going to be sick before i went lol but it wasnt to bad and so not very long ...but i talked to two ppl and they were nice and i could tell they had been working together for a good while just by how they were interacting with each other..they had a cat in the office..i only saw one but i think there may have been another one hiding :) it was a pretty small place and it would be a little more money but no benefits..and thats the really disappointing part in all of it..if i was offered the job im not even sure i would take it because of that and i want to just hold out a bit longer for more money and benefits..that would be the ideal thing...but yes it went ok. seriously the asked some funny questions and one stumped me but really who can think up a way to deal with an adult male wanting to go to the store in a pink tutu?! it took a minute to stop wanting to laugh to think of an appropriate answer..and the funny question was just being asked if i could use a computer ;) nope i have no idea how to use one :P but that all aside it was fun hanging out with my sister last night until i almost feel asleep on the floor and she sent me to bed..so now i have an interview next week and then ill work on more applications...its interesting because craigslist is pretty cool for looking up jobs all over the state..and there are jobs but they are so so far away :( and im taking like 5 hours and that is pretty far away all things considered..there is one i want to apply for because it is a job that is with the same company i work for now..just a different office and it would mean going back up to the mountains which i wouldnt mind at all..but im not sure about that..i want to ask my supervisors about that office but then that would let them know im looking for a job and i dont want to let them know that just yet..but i want to find out if it would even be possible to be transferred or something..but i cant decide..i want to apply but i think thats just to far away to want to deal with right now..and just sticking to the area i live in now and only applying around here, then i have to be a lot more patient in waiting for jobs and openings and things..but i guess i need to stop thinking about it all today..for now anyway...lots of stuff to do today and this week and just to catch up with things in general before next week

last night was seriously boring and tiring..4 hours of never ending boredom :boxer ok really it wasnt that bad the driving class thing..fairly informative..but i would have liked it a lot better if it hadnt been a $200 class..that was the really bad part because it just got in the way big time of other stuff..money wise..like every other freaking bill :snoopy im wiped out again and i now have 2 weeks before getting paid again and its so frustrating i could just scream..and the worries just dont seem to stop at all...hmmm all of it is just waiting and waiting and more waiting..

but on to other news..i got dusti a new flea collar because i just like those better and there easier i think tthan drops or anything and i dont think the drops work as well cas dusti is a furry little ball of hair to be a cat lol..can cats be groomed ? like getting a hair cut and stuff? i think hazard pay would be involved if anyone ever tried to groom dusti lol..but i worked on her last night a bit..and was coming her fur and all the little bugs are seriously creeping me out but i know she will feel better once i have them off of her so ill just suffer a bit longer and keep checking her to see how its working...i just keep wondering how she got them ugh..but she is a cat and i guess for fleas she is a pretty tempting meal deal..but i should be glad its not ticks cas those suck worse than fleas lol..and fleas i can get off much easier..and i should stop talking about bugs now before i weird myself out anymore lol. anyone want to volunteer to come and give dusti a little haircut?? if you make it out with all your fingers and toes umm you can have a coloring book ;)

and now im slowly trying to avoid starting my day..i really really am ..

its interesting that this week has been pretty level when it comes to feeling sad or upset or anything..but its been so busy with everything else..and i think it has helped a lot that mommy hasnt been home for a few days..i dont think ive even seen her for 2 whole days ..not that im complaining..ive talked to her on the phone an stuff..but havent actually seen her..just interesting you know..its easier ..a lot easier being at home without her here, and that still makes me feel really guilty

nervous..

and now im scared. nervous..i have a job interview today and everything about it is making me nervous. im afraid again that ill mess up or something and when i was talking to t about it yesterday she kinda pointed out that well the worse thing that could happen would be to not be offered the job..and thats not even the end of the world because i have a job and can manage a little bit for now any way. she also mentioned that it would be good practice .. i think she may have lost it lol..but anyhoo trying hard to stay calm and busy until then..i actually came up to my sisters and stayed the night because she is really only like 10 mins away from where ill be interviewing at..vs the hour and some i would have had to drive this morning to come..decided to come last night and just stay with her..less stress you know..and i need all the stress relievers i can get .. but im going..and hoping it will be ok and i wont mess up or anything..can only do my best..and work hard to look at the lady..but its just an interview..not the end of the world..i can do it..
funny though cas i was reading the email the lady sent me the other day..about whether i would be moving or not and one of the kids i babysit was standing next to me talking about something..and so im trying to read the email and all of a sudden i have him yelling in my ear 'nnnnnnnnoooooooo u cant move' lol..i had to tell him to calm down and that i wasnt moving anywhere yet ;) but the good thing that comes out of this..is that if i did get a job here..i could just come and stay at my sisters during the week and go to work..instead of driving the two hours to go home and stuff every day..and go home on the weekends ..just until i found a place to live..the only problem of course being dusti and making sure she was being taken care of while i wasnt there..because my sister refuses to let me bring dusti to her place..so that would be the only draw back for a while .. if it happened that way

but linda is right..i will just go and do my best and it will be ok and it wont kill me ..and ill go home and move on and if something comes of it great and if not its ok..and i still have another interview next week..and there will be other jobs to apply for..so yes it will be ok. i just keep to stay relaxed and calm..and mommy was mad at me last night because i wouldnt tell her in detail what i was planning on wearing for the interview..because i knew already what she would tell me about it and i didnt want to hear it..i dont need the added stress right now..i talked over my options with my sister and thats good enough for me..really it is..for now..eventually i need to find a better shirt and i couldnt find one i liked yesterday when i was shopping around a little bit..but its not the end of the world..i really dont have the money to spend on another shirt anyway and i have stuff to wear you know...but its not long sleeves and so she will be really mad at that because she is dead positive that my lack of being unable to get a job is because of the scars on the lower part of my arm..its only 3 noticeable scars which could have come from anything at all..and if im ok with them showing then a job interview isnt going to change that at all..and its to hot to be in long sleeves anyway..so no i have no real intention of showing her my arms ..and maybe ill keep looking around for another shirt but its not a top priority at all you know..it just made me mad that she started telling me what i needed to wear and what to say before i even managed to tell her anything at all..and so then i just refused to tell her anything...

today is going to be so so very busy..interview an then rushing back to my sisters to get changed..and then rushing back home to go to work..and then going to the driving thing tonight..gosh..im tired just thinking about it all...

still havent caught up on late paperwork .. all the running around has messed up the plans to get that done..crap..but once its late its just late..and so ill try to work on it tonight and stuff..but im not holding my breath because i can do it all over the weekend and catch up..i didnt want to wait that long though you know..its just every night has been something an then working and yeah..most likely just excuses but oh well..ill get it in..just a little later than i planned..

today is thursday..and tomorrow is friday and that means pdoc and id better not think about that at all right now..

its 6:30 in the morning and im about to go and run to the store because my sister doesnt have fingernail polish remover and i dont think having blue fingernail polish on would make a good first impression! :rb

and ill have to think about the doc a bit more..i keep just wanting to put it off and off and off until i forget i even need to go..but ill think about it ok.thanks u guys for the offers :)

and i wont even get on the money issues today..i get paid and all of it is gone ..:( between the rental for another week and the driving thing im in the dead zone for money ..babysitting really is all that is saving me right now..and i think it will be just once to see t next week cas of it... :snoopy but i think she had to move my appt anyway and so that makes it a little bit easier to cancel the friday appt..im just glad i kept money out of the bank for the pdoc and t for tomorrow already..so yeah..just another reminder on why i really do need another job and its just about being able to take care of myself

scared...yep

interview tomorrow
interview next week
pdoc on friday

im on overload right now
what am i thinking!

and i have nothing to wear

lots of thinking ...but thats not new

note to self...never never never ever try to give dusti a bath again lol..she was not happy at all and i couldnt even get under her neck..so yeah that didnt go very well at all but i lived so i guess it was ok! henry mentioned how pathetic dusti looked last night after her bath cas her fur was all slicked down and she looked about half the size she usually was..and well she just kinda looked like a little drowned and mad and unhappy all at the same time ..so i wont put her through that again..ive learned my lesson i suppose..but still have to do something about the fleas..so im giving it a couple days before i go and get her a new flea collar..that just worked best for her..so ill go back to it..and tonight i will clean my room completely..since it was just to late last night and i was just so tired when i got home..although her fur is awesomely soft right now lol..

dee and harry are out of town until sunday! which means one that im babysitting all weekend! and two, mommy isnt going to be home tonight or tomorrow night! which is even more awesome .. is it bad that it makes me that excited to know she wont be here?! i dont know..im not sure i care ..but it works out extremely well really..ill get extra money and still not be at home..after im done babysitting on sunday if its not to late then ill prolly go up and see nia she is sent me a message yesterday to ask if i wanted to hang out...i told her she had to be really bored to be asking me if i wanted to hang out ..but i know shes kinda just stuck up there..so ill try to go and drop by sometime..

well job stuff is becoming a little interesting..i have an interview next week and then i have to call a lady back about setting up an interview..and i realize that i was applying to the wrong places..which i do feel a little stupid about..i know i have a bsw but my experience has nothing at all to do with working at a dss..and i do kinda want to work in foster care but my experience kinda prevents me from even being considered..if i had done the collaborative i would have been a better candidate for the dss jobs.but i didnt want to..i dont want to work in dss really and so im not sorry about not doing the collaborative while in school...i know it would have made things a little bit easier job wise but the stress would have killed me...so this time around im apply for both actually..and the lower level dss jobs because i kinda have to get into dss if i want to move up and gain some experience in that area..but im also applying for QP jobs where my experience is at..and look i have almost 2 interviews already..i see QP jobs all over the state and i can apply for all of them..not that i would..but the option is there and somehow i just kept missing it big time...theres one up near the outer banks i want to apply for because it would be a lot closer to yvonne without actually being in va..there are some farther away than i like that i want to apply for but that makes me scared a little bit ...its not moving really that scares me..just that moving would mean stopping therapy..because unfortunately a 5 hour drive to come back for therapy isnt an ok thing..im not looking forward to starting that over..so im holding out for a job around here...the farthest away ive applied is fayettville and thats a couple hours away..i have an interview in wilmington which really would be very cool if i was offered that job..but the other interview that i need to set up today would be in jacksonville and thats only 45 mins away..and nia is there for now also..which would be cool and if they moved i would so take there apartment lol..not even kidding..there are a lot of jobs up near Raleigh but thats to busy for me..and other random places that are just to far away to truly consider..the only one really being elizabeth city because its closer to yvonne..i may apply anyway and just see you know..i try to remind myself that linda tells me being offered a job doesnt mean i have to take it...driving 5 hours to interview would kinda blow if i wasnt offered a job though lol..but thats what this is i guess..putting yourself out there( which i truly dont like) and hoping for the best..or hoping for anything..but im sticking to my agreement and doing applications and what not..and trying not to stress to badly over all the other stuff like moving to far away, and stopping therapy, and well interviewing lol..although i dont think it will be as bad as the dss interview where i had 3 ppl staring at me...the QP positions i think will just be one person talking to me and thats not as bad..so thats moving along i guess

umm yesterdays therapy still has me thinking..not sure just yet if its in a good or bad way though..im just somewhere in the middle of it wondering what to really think about it all...i actually went and gave her what i wanted to..i never do that..i always convince myself to wait or its not important or something..and yesterday after rambling on about random things for a bit, i finally got around to giving her what i wrote a few nights ago..and then i gave her an email i got because well i figured maybe she would agree with my view on it..which i should have known wasnt going to happen.but i could hope darnit..but then linda goes and agrees with it all and its like crap there goes my plan to keep ignoring it all..but thinking about it and not being a dork about it i know that i havent been ignoring it at all..just kinda trying not to think about it to much..and hope that it would stop or something..but i dont think thats possible anymore..but i dont like it still..it bothers me and thats what i have to write about for homework..in some way that ive slightly forgotten..ill have to think about it a little more and figure out why its all bothering me so much..and then on friday i have the appt with the pdoc that im hoping wont be changed on me again..

thursday night i get to waste 200 bucks for a stupid 4 hour class that i have no desire at all to take ..but ill be there because if not it will be back to court for me and id rather just lose the $200 now and get it over with so its not hanging over my head anymore..i kept pushing it back and now i have to go pretty much..thursday is my last chance..

you know i was talking to a friend from camp last night..havent talked to her in a really long time and have missed her a lot ..and she has a lot of junk she is dealing with too and we chatted for a long time about what was going on and how things will eventually get better if we wait them out long enough..and its just annoying you know how different the world seems when you are in college..things are just not the same..once you graduate and get out of college things kinda bite royally..and its all a struggle in some way..we talked about the lack of money also which just makes everything worse ..essh

i really really need to stop fighting the need to go and see a reg doc..ive put it off for so long but now the issue im trying to avoid isnt getting any better and im sure its getting a little worse actually..not life threatening or anything but just a huge annoyance..and slightly bothersome..but the issue of paying for it and going and not wanting to be looked at..and it makes me anxious big time even just thinking about it..also stinks that the clinic place i could go to only accepts new clients on weds nights and that would mean not working on a wed..after that its whenever but the first appt has to be a wed and thats a slight problem you know..and im using it as a big big excuse ..and im trying to talk myself out of the excuse because its obviously not hard to call out for my wed person and get a fill in or something..but i hate losing the hours right now ..i dont want to.but i know im supposed to be taking care of myself and going to the doc would be one of those things i should do as needed and not put it off until it gets worse like now...but the excuses just cover up the anxiety and i kinda dont want to go..(do we see a trend here of no doctors) ..hmm i wonder if i consider linda a doctor? i dont think so..well i dont see her as like a medical doctor..im ok with her but not with anyone else..but crap just something else to worry about..it seems ..maybe if i tell the family today that i cant come next week then ill have to go to the doctor..and wont be able to talk myself out of it..i dont know what to do about that one..just yet..gosh its been so long since ive been to the doc..a real one.for like a check up or something..in college i had to go every so often to be patched up a bit from bad cuts and they gave me a tetanus shot once and massive antibiotics a couple times..but gosh i seriously think its been like 7 years or something maybe more...i think the last real time was before i left for college..and maybe not even then..im really not sure..i know when i worked at the camp the first time in 06 i had to get a physical but i think i refused to do it completely cas of the whole undressing thing..was in high school when the cutting started and i think thats about the time i stopped wanting to go to the doctor..something happened but i dont remember what..it may have just been a reaction to the scars..but im not sure

headache and annoyed...

have a major headache today...moved my morning person to tomorrow..and completely slacked off and didnt finish paperwork cas i didnt feel good and didnt want to do it..so ill have to do it later tonight..

not ready for t at all..worked up way to much..thoughts keep going back and forth and im losing track of them..i want..i dont know what i want..i want to go back to bed

im annoyed because somehow dusti has gotten fleas and it really makes no sense how since shes an indoor cat..maybe its from her being in the windows when they are open? i dont know .. im assuming there fleas but maybe they are just bugs of some sort..but they arent ticks..of that much im sure...but now i get to freak out about that along with everything else..and will have to go in search of shampoo of some sort for her today..and see who is brave enough to tackle giving her a bath :blink: its not an easy endeavor at all lol..and poor dusti wont come near me for a while afterwards lol..but i know she will need to go to the vet soon anyway for a checkup...but getting the annoying creepy little bugs off her is a big big priority for today..but i need to call the vet to and figure all that out..i dont even remember where her carrier is its been so long since ive had to use it..

not sleeping

im not sleeping good. and its starting to bother me a lot..normally sleep isnt a problem, it just pops up every so often and makes trouble and then goes away again..guess that means i have to take something to sleep tonight, so i better get all my work stuff finished so i can sleep in tomorrow morning..

im glad its monday though, back to the ususal stuff and that makes me feel a bit better..found a couple more jobs to apply for..and decided against applying for one i really liked because its part time and moving the 7 hhours to get there if i got the job really would not be worth it unfortunately ..slightly disappointed in that but now im glad i reread the announcement thing..but its ok ..i get completely stuck thinking that now is like all the time i have..i forget that its not like that and i have tons of time to get things done (in a general sense here)..and that moving, or getting a new job, or going back to school all dont have to happen now and it wont be the end of the world to do the school thing later on..going back to school is one of those things i really am completely sure about..and it would be one of the only things im completely sure about! but im also pretty sure now isnt the time to add on the stress of school on top of everything else..so then a couple more years away wont hurt anything..