ok day

today has been ok i guess...

but im learning a bit more about how im dealing with the meds..and except for the tiredness the only other thing hanging around is the issues with eating..i take them in the morning and so i am trying to work through the tiredness during the day...i just prefer to take them in the morning vs at night..easier to remember and stuff ..but if i take it without eating then it kills my appetite for the day...if i take it with food then im alright..its so weird..maybe the heat today just made it seem worse..but in general i think im handling them well..

saw linda today..and that went ok too...she knows about the moving and thinks its a good idea..which i already could have guessed but it was nice hearing it from her..and she said that it shows a lot of growth you know..and we talked about ending vs transitioning..and mentioned that she would call some of the friends in va and ask about referrals..which i told her would help a lot..im thinking that it may take a while to get settled in and everything before i want to tackle the task of finding a new t..and knowing that linda would be willling to keep working with me (albeit not as often) made me feel better..because i think i may be back and forth a bit for at least a couple months..when i first move..mostly because of the kids i babysit and coming back on the weekends to see them...and then of course the possibility of not having a job and being able to come back on the weekends..fri - sunday..and being able to see t every couple weeks maybe..i dont know yet what to do about that..and also she mentioned that im moving right as we are starting to get anywhere with therapy..and i have to admit i had been thinking about that since yesterday ..and she does have a point..but i promise i didnt base the decision on whether or not it would help me get out of therapy..i guess it makes me feel a little guilty..just because of how it happened ..but gosh i think ive been with her long enough to know that if i dont want to talk about something..moving is not the way to get out of it :P and for that reason i know i will keep working on stuff..because im slightly afraid that if i stop now and then change therapists..the stress alone will stop me from talking about anything at all..and it took me so long to start talking to her as it is you know..stopping now really wouldnt be the best option

surreal

i really dont know why i even bothered with all the cleaning this morning..she didnt notice..i didnt expect her to but i still wanted it .. one of these days i will get around to not wanting it so much..to being able to let it go..but for now i still just cant..i hope it will be easier once i move..i hope a lot of things will be easier once i move

all the car stuff has drained me..im done..im tired of it all..going a different route and looking into used cars now..i was going to consider getting my uncles car but that will be to much stress and more 'family' in my business..so that thought didnt last long at all...it was a nice thought but i figured out it would not be the best thing..my other option..my only other option really is taking all of my next pay check and putting a down payment on a car..a used one..and going from there..and that is a huge huge leap of faith that it will work you know..but already im looking at not working from this thursday to next tuesday when i get a car 'hopefully'..cas i dont get paid again until next week..and well i wont get into how far into the negative zone my account has gone right this minute..but i really would just rather miss work for a few days instead of stressing about coming up with money for a rental car again..i just cant deal with that either right now..

bill collectors piss me off..really truly they do..i was nice enough to call and ask them to cancel a payment for me..and after being transferred a million times i ended up with the rudest guy ever..and im trying to explain that i dont have the money you know..and he keeps telling me that once its in its set in stone and what not and just annoyed me and i just finally 'almost' yelled at him that he could run my account or not but the money wasnt there..and that at least i was nice enough to call in advance and let him know..and in the end he canceled it..but good grief..

chatted with mommy about all the moving stuff and she is really ok with it...shocked the crap out of me..seriously..we really talked today about what i wanted to do about moving..and knowing that i would need a job and money and all of that..we talked about what i would need to move and offered different options even with leaving without having a job... its all so different all of a sudden you know..maybe its just knowing that im so so close to being away from here..and that struggling with my friend is not the same as struggling at home ..and ill take my chances up there you know...


and of course theres now the possibility of getting more hours at work..of course that happens now! when im looking at moving soon..

and you know what..i managed to have an entire conversation with my sister today about what i wanted...what i wanted to do..what i thought about all the car stuff and some other things going on..and it was ok you know..she listened ..and told me what she thought about it too..normally that doesnt happen...in a week ive managed to make more real decisions and stick to them than i have been able to do in a long long time..i can think through and decide something without freaking out about it...im thinking that it was a good idea for me to do meds for now anyway..

guess thats all of my rambles for today ;) im going to bed...i can relax a bit tonight because i already turned in paperwork for this week!! yep..i learned my lesson with the lateness the last time..they have gotten stricter about withholding pay if notes are late..and i was late for two weeks! crap you know..but no more late notes..nope nope :)

things are changing

yesterday..after months of refusing, of doing everything in my power to stay put and i guess suffer in a way..i told my friend that i would move to va with her..she flat out asked me yesterday if i would move up there with her..i freaked out about it for about an hour before telling her i would do it.. i want to go, i want to leave here, start over, get away from home..and this is my way out..this is the way to do it without having to do it alone..and freaking out even more about it..im going to live with some i know and am used too..and that is better i think..specially money wise to do it this way..i asked her to give me a month to get things in order..to get a car..so we are looking at me moving in aug..that would be the shortest amount of time..i may short for the middle of aug if im starting to feel a little bit rushed or things arent working out so well...but i figured a month was a far amount of time to keep me slightly motivated to stay on task and actually get things done..i hope

i told mommy last night..i told my younger brother and sister yesterday..my brother told me bye..my sister doesnt want me to go but after talking a bit she told me that she thought i had thought it out enough and that if thats what i wanted then i should do it...mommy told me that she hoped i would get a car and that as long as i was happy she was fine with it , she asked why..and i told her that i wanted to do it..:unsure: that upset me some..i wanted her to tell me that i had to stay..that she needed/wanted me to stay..i wanted a reason to be upset about it..i wanted a reason to be ok with deciding finally to go and i didnt get it from her..not yet anyway..because i told her while she was out of town and that is most likely why she was so nice about..but on that ride back from the hospital on monday i know the topic will come back up..i know she will ask more questions about it..i know she wont let it go so easily..

im scared..really scared..wondering if i am making the biggest worst choice ever..and yet im going to do it..i know i am...linda tells me that with some things you just have to do it..and try..and see what happens...it makes me so very uncomfortable..and scared and worried..but im not anxious about it..i guess i know that it is the best idea..even if it means leaving everything and starting over ... i dont know what i want to be told about it though..i keep asking everyone what they think..knowing that no one else can really make the decision for me..but i think i want someone to just want me to stay or something

crazy crazy day...but ill have to write more later on

you know what i was thinking the other day...
that there arent enough drugs in the world to make being at home ok

how depressing is that

feeling ok

so feeling better today..more settled at least..head is quiet again..have moved on i guess..you know the suicidal thoughts havent been around for a couple weeks now..its been so long since ive had a break from them you know.even yesterday battling all the shameful feelings i wasnt feeling sucidal at all..just lots sad ...but feeling better today and i think thats good ...im kinda glad now that i agreed to try the meds

last night mommy actually talked to me..and asked my opinion about stuff..not that i talked so much because my sister was talking more and i just added in a few things here and there..but i think thats why its so hard to let go completely with her...because every so often something like last night will happen and i can control my temper and not get defensive and stop listening or get yelled at or anything..even though it happens like once every 3 months or something..and even last night while talking i was still the second rate person because every thing that got her attention meant i would have to wait to finish what i was saying or telling her..and the phone ringing is a huge let down because then its like im forgotten again..and its not fair..but i still wait for her..and i wish i would stop

but umm pretty much mommy is going out of town for an entire week!! she leaves on tuesday and i get to take her to the airport at 5 in the morning..but i dont care because it will be a full week of freedom..no yelling at all..barely have to talk to her even..and she will be gone until next week..and holy cow its going to be so quiet..

im going back up to nias tonight and spending the night there..and coming back tomorrow in time for work..

so i guess im doing ok

-hard day

remembering things id rather forget..
lots of blame/shame involved and its all hard to work through because this is one of those things that i know ended up being my fault and i just cant get past that thought at all right now..

just worried....big big time worried about everything right now

failure

i just feel like a failure in everything right now..i cant do anything..i havent done anything..and it seems all ive done is really mess up in all areas of life

rotten rotten luck

things are just going from bad to worse ..and all of it is nothing i have any control over what so ever...i want to cry..scream..something..i dont know..its all so frustrating and hard

im without a car still and that is not looking like it will be taken care of any time soon..keep paying for the rental and not paying anything else..and so all of my bills are behind..and today mommy lets me know again that its my fault some how that this has taken so long..i wasnt aggressive enough..i didnt call enough..i have just messed everything up havent i :(

mommy is looking at possibly losing the house because of some loan thing not going through..and thats just added stress to all of this..and i dont know how that is going to be resolved at all

the pressure to find a job ..and move ..and all of that is being loaded on me..it would be easier for mommy with me gone ..just i dont know..i have to find a different job..maybe even 2 if i have too just to cover bills..but without a car i cant do anything at all..and i cant go anywhere with the car now because i cant get it refinanced until the other one is closed out..and im told that could be another month or more..and i cant wait that long i cant..and its not like i know anyone willing to put a car in there name for me..thats a huge commitment and just a huge thing to even consider asking someone..not that i would..but things are just really not ok right now with anything and im afraid of what is going to happen

usual stuff

i ended up falling asleep majorly early last night..all i did was lay down to just think a bit and the next thing i know im waking up a couple hours later with no idea that i had even been sleep .. but then i got up for a few minutes and went back to sleep..and then i got up a 4ish for a bit..and surprisingly enough there are cartoons on at 4 in the morning .and watched tv for a bit and then fell back to sleep..and now im up again and actually had to get out of bed since its time to get up for the day..and after all of that sleep im still tired! go figure

so i guess im a bit calmer from the upsets of yesterday..seriously worried about the car stuff..and im worried ill be not able to go to work tomorrow or friday..mommy tells me not to worry except i have no idea how not to worry! i cant go to work! and that obviously doesnt mean the same thing to her as it does to me.. and its all just frustrating big time

im applying for a part time job...or trying to anyway..the application is killing me ...its a faith based organization and so some of the questions are in regards to religion and testimonies and i have no idea what to put..essh because i realized that i will need something to do on the weekends and well working part time may be a really good idea..and it will be extra money you know..i will try to finish the application and get it turned in..but im not sure about those questions :( but then i saw another part time opening for the same type job that isnt faith based and i may apply for that also...im still waiting to hear back about the other job..and ill have to call the lady back again today and ask...but im still working on applications and things..so thats good i think..

but i guess thats all...some things with therapy going on but nothing new..

wow

it really is weird being able to think through so much ...really do miss the chaos but im guessing once im used to it then it will be much better to deal with..you know today i laughed and it actually felt like i meant it ..wow not even sure how to begin to explain that one..its just all feeling so .. oh i dont know

but i actually finished my work stuff and turned it in today..i think ill make it to bed tonight before 12!! gosh its been days since ive gone to bed before midnight..and then even better no waking up at 4 in the morning to finish paperwork!!! thats awesome :D

tomorrow is a new day..and it actually feels like that..its not something to be avoided

and wow if i start trying to become mary poppins please i beg you throw something at me!!

weekend

the weekend was ok..slightly boring..mommy was gone for a couple days kinda..and so it was quiet at home...and then i was babysitting both friday and saturday night and we had fun hanging out with the kids...played board games, watched movies at there house..the general goofing around that babysitting entails! but they were being exceptionally loving this past weekend..or maybe im just noticing it a bit more and accepting it..i dont know..but i had fun ..and then yesterday there were a few issues with mommy but trying not to think about it to much..ended up going up to nias and we went to the movies...was going to see up and couldnt because they only had the 3d version at that movie place and i dont like 3d movies at all..and want to see it just regularly ..so have to wait to see it ..and so we went and saw taking of pelham 123. and then i talked nia into watching the disney channel for a couple hours ..i did laundry at her place lol...and then we played little big planet..holy cow that is a fun game :) !! it was awesome..i made a little sock person and mine had blue hair and fairy wings and a magicians wand lol..i wanted the cape but nia had the cape so i picked the wings instead..and its like you get to race and go through all these different levels that different players can build and you can play online with other ppl..and seriously me and nia playing together didnt make it very far in the levels lol..she would leave me and then i would die because once you arent visible on the screen your lil character bites the dust..and so she left me, i left her, i set off bombs cas i didnt know what i was doing..and then once in a race she left me and i chased her down the ice and jumped on her sled lol..she thought i was going to die but instead i caught her and got on the sled lol..and of course this is the one game in the world where you can completely hit the other player! like i was creating my player and my sister kept slapping me and making me fall down..and then she showed me how to do it and we spent massive amounts of time chasing each other in the game just to hit each other ..specially if we were arguing about who cheated first

but this up coming weekend im gonna have to figure out something to do..some family thing going on that i have no intention of going too..so ill prolly just say i have to work or something and disappear a bit..

the car stuff is moving along but its not turning out so good really...the insurance that i have been waiting for so long to be canceled finally is..but they arent paying the full balance due..and so that leaves me with a balance i cant afford to pay..and not sure how that will play out with the finance company now because if i dont get reapproved for a loan for a car then i cant get one and ill be even more stuck :( so frustrating..the other better side would be that they just tack on the last of the balance to the new loan and ill just have to pay it off like that and ill be able to get a car...i hate all this

but its been a week on the meds..and its getting better i think..easier to feel ok with taking them now that they arent making me feel completely miserable..im able to think a little slower and not jump way ahead of myself and start worrying about everything but what i have to do.its still hard realizing that my thinking is moving slower and clearer..but im glad i can think and figure things out...with all that is going on i know that ill be staying in the area i am at now..since everything is being set up here..for a while longer..you know still looking for a job and hoping to move but the anxiety about doing it as fast as possible is wearing down..i can do it you know, i will do it but rushing and pushing myself to do it doesnt get me there any faster..so slowing down a little bit and being ok with it is a very good thing lol..

but im off to finish paperwork and get ready for work...fun times

need to ramble

i dont know what i want to write about..but there are so many things stuck in my head right now.. a lot about things that happened yesterday and what i didnt like about it..

therapy yesterday..was hard..i was going to say it sucked royally but changed my mind cas well i just did..but linda talked to the doc that i saw on monday..and they talked about me which i dont mind so much since i did give linda permission to talk to them and what not...but then she just had to go and bring up the questions about whether or not i was sexually abused...i dont care who asks me that question, the answer is always no..or i dont know..but i know saying i dont know is not better than just leaving it at no..i might as well be wearing a neon sign that says the answer is yes..but i wont say it..im not sure ill ever say it or acknowledge it or anything..i cant ..i dont want too..and i know linda cant do anything with it if i keep denying it..and i keep denying it..no matter what i want to say or not say it doesnt matter..i tell myself to calm down and say no, or not to say anything..but while she was talking to me about yesterday and i tried to listen to her but i was getting to scared..and it was back to standing on some line and being unable to decide what i wanted to do..stay and listen or run and hide..i wanted to run..hide..block out everything she was saying..but i think i was to scared to even try .. i was getting upset, mad at her for asking me, for making me think about it..work very hard not to think about any of it because i dont remember and i dont like thinking about it because then i try to remember what happened..and i cant...just little things that i dont like..i dont want to know it.after wasting forever and not being able to say anything i finally asked her if we could talk about something else..and she let me change the subject..its just still making me upset..

went and saw the pdoc yesterday also..seriously they made me wait so long i was going to get ready to leave when he came and got me..its just that there were so many ppl ahead of me and maybe he started late or something..but i waited for like an hour or so before i was even called back.. i guess he is ok..dont know yet if i like him or not..but it wasnt horrible talking to him ..and the convo wasnt all that interesting..his professional opinion is that i was depressed..gee i didnt know that..but he didnt change the meds or anything and that was good..but i have to go back next month..i almost managed to make it through the whole appt without him noticing or bring up the scars..and i was leaving his office..when he stopped me and asked me to come back for a minute..and of course it was like holy crap...and he told me he noticed the scars and asked if they were from cutting..didnt beat around the bush on that question..but i told him that i hadnt done it since dec and i hadnt and that brought up more questions about suicide..and then he started asking me if i had ever been in group therapy..he told me that i really needed to consider doing dbt group therapy..to help with the urges and cooping skills and things..he referred me..but also told me that i could talk it over with my therapist which i agreed to do..im just not sure about group therapy..he said that with dbt we arent talking about past stuff really.just more of talking about the here and now, being present, coping skills, etc...and i know it would prolly be a big help you know but it would also be a big big commitment..cas on one of the sites i started posting at about meds and what not..there were messages about dbt and its 6 months! like just starting out its 6 months...and its like well heck that means ill be staying in wilmington now! cas now all of my docs are here..and all this other stuff...its a lot to take in..and process and deal with..

bothered

im ok really i am..but im just off some how..it is so different having my head be quiet, having my thoughts just kinda drift without any real direction..i cant seem to be anxious or as nervous as i usually am and its bothering me..how can it be bothering me?! i should be happy..i should want this..and now that i have the quietness im not sure i want it anymore :( its to quiet, and still in my head..ive been present the past couple days but not focusing very well..and its different..its not good or bad..its just different..and i miss what i know and what im used to, even if it is all the bad and obsessive thoughts, and worries and stress..im use to that and can get past it i guess..and just kinda going from all to nothing has thrown me big time..and im not sure about it

feeling a little better

m almost feeling normal right now..nothing major going on in my head..and im not feeling horribly sick like the past couple days...the side effects are starting to wear off i hope...yesterday was bad on a unable to eat level because of feeling so queasy...but that feeling isnt there today and im hoping it stays away..so just the normal extra tired so far today..

head is a lot calmer the past few days..the anxiety isnt as strong..the depression isnt as strong either..nia and henry both asked me about a dance show that i normally watch and to see if i was watching it..my response was ..no aladdin is on ..the sad part would be they werent even surprised!! a lot of just laying down and watching cartoons and things when im not at work..

it looks like yvonne will be able to keep dusti for me for a little while..which means i need to stay on top of getting another job if i want to get her back...but she was asking me about it last night and of course i started to panic because i didnt want to let her take dusti but i know its best if dusti gets out of the house for a bit if possible... but now that im looking at her actually going im not sure anymore ... and dusti actually hissed at my brother the other night...i was in the room when it happened and it was like holy cow what just happened..dusti was protecting the door i guess and he was just getting to close is all i can think of because he wasnt even in my room yet...shes still the same with me..but yeah..shes not liking him to much at all lol

mommy confuses me :( she tells me not to eat and then tells me to eat and then i dont know..

yvonnes birthday is today and i was asking her about what she was going to do..and she told me what her plans were and then said that i should come too..and i said no because i dont have the money to drive up there and see her right now..and she told me that she would see if she can come and pick me up and we are going to the beach to see her mom and what not..which i dont mind..but i feel bad making her drive all that time to come and get me you know..but thinking about it over night i realized that i do what to go..i just want to get out of the house for a while completely..if possible...im super worried about money and paying for it and will prolly beg money from my friend while im there ..which in some ways makes me feel horrible because well i should have money but i dont stupid rental is really messing up that..and then just because i know she does a lot of things for me money wise and i dont want her to think i only do stuff with her cas she will pay for me if i cant cover it..but thats just me being stupid..cas she has already told me before that she knows i dont do anything for the money and that she likes to make me happy and get me to smile..so maybe i should stop worrying about it :-/ and find out if i can go..well if she can come and get me..because yeah it would be pretty stupid to not go..especially if i dont have to drive it..

but yes..feeling a bit better today

ok

some things are better today..after waking up today..was able to sleep but still really tired..but weird things with my eyes again when trying to wake up but now that im up it seems to be ok..still feeling really sick..but no worse at least..maybe that counts as improvement

but really im up super early so i can get work finished because im just sick of having it hang over me..and im afraid i wont turn it in at all if i let it go much longer ...and thats a whole paycheck ill be out of .. so maybe ill be able to take a nap or something or maybe ill just pretend i can take a nap and some how make it through the day without falling asleep !

they come and go..the side effects..that part i think is the most frustrating..i finally managed to eat something..my stomach calmed down and the thought of eating didnt want to make me throw up again so i grabbed dinner while i could..the sick feelings are coming back though and so i guess laaying down is the best option for now..i really hope all this passes quickly

stressed out ..but not

today has been interesting i think..

didnt do paperwork this morning --insert whatever curse word you like here-- big mistake but one that i will catch up on tomorrow morning

the interview was ok..lots of questions..i had a hard time looking at the lady but i did talk to her..

t was ok..managed to talk a bit more than usual :-/

and then the meds are giving me side effects already and i have to keep reminding myself that they will pass..and that i just cant stop the meds cas i dont like the side effects..they arent bad bad just annoying...the being sleepiness and then being unable to sleep is one..then today i can add headaches, and dry mouth, and blurred vision, and queasiness to the list... seriously its like im going through the list of all the side effects one by one..ugh..and then driving today for a bit my vision went all screwy..and it wasnt really blurred it was more double and not being able to really focus on things that were to far away..:( that was scary.and made me really nervous..but it didnt happen later when i was driving...i think maybe the added stress of today in general is making the side effects worse..and then not eating enough and being tired in general and then being really hot is making them be more prominent i guess :( im keeping an eye on them and hoping nothing worse happens..and im hoping that ill get to see the pdoc on friday.. but im worried about taking anything for my headache because im not sure if it would cause a reaction.. i wish i could take something to make me sleep or at least stop the massive headache but im afraid to mix anything right now with the lexapro..its so not cool that the meds that are supposed to help me emotionally..make me feel crappy pyhsically ...essh..so im just hoping i will wait it out and not stop them..but really its hard going all day and feeling so tired and out of it ..but at the same time i can tell the mood is lifting a bit and staying pretty level today..maybe its just from the thought that im taking the meds vs the actual meds since its only been a couple days but still..its just a weird different feeling..like something is going on but its neither good or bad yet..if that makes sense .. but otherwise okish today all things considered..and so im stuck waiting it out for now i guess..it does suck royally and its tiring ..

and now i can add lose of appetite to the list...im just going to bed

its early..i want to go back to bed

i just feel the need to say that whoever invented alarm clocks should be hurt seriously..or taken to the middle of no where and just left good grief

so im gonna go out on a limb here and say im a little cranky at being up at 4 in the morning..slightly nervous about the day but i think i just want to get it over and done with now...gotta finish paperwork..my fault for not doing it sooner...and then rush back to get ready for the interview and get there on time and then go to t and then to work..im tired just thinking about it..actually it doesnt feel like i slept at all last night..i think i got up every hour to mess with something or other and then laid back down..which is something i never do and so it is frustrating..tonight im going to bed super early..maybe it will help?! i know i have to be patient and let the meds even out in my system but the not sleeping thing when im yawning like ive been up for days is just not ok

its interesting though..because i can feel the anxiety about the day trying to build...but it only goes so far and then it kinda starts to back off again..slightly weird and alarming ...

crap i just want to go to bed and not even mess with paperwork until tonight..but if i just keep putting it off then i dont get paid ..and not even thats helping me right now because its just screwing up my paycheck.. oh i dont know..i was doing so good too..essh

today

today has been an interesting day..i went to work and attended a crisis meeting type thing for one of the ladies i worked with..she gets pretty suicidal at times and im sitting there thinking well crap is this what its going to come to me?? but it was ok..i was just helping the cl answer some of the questions..and i was late and i left early so im sure i made a good impression ..but i had to leave early to see the pdoc and they kept me there for an hour and a half! i was late getting back to work..essh...but this time it did go a little bit better in some ways..and well not as well in others...the lady i saw wasnt a pdoc she was an intern and she had real issues with that i hadnt been to see the pdoc yet and that i kept coming and not seeing him..so i have to go back on friday to see him..but again i have to wait to be told a time ...so i will see how that goes..but after i finished talking to the doc i was seeing today i swear everyone knew that i had been screwed over more than once with the scheduling and so they all promised you know that i would get in on friday to see him..so i guess ill have to wait and see what happens with that...the doc though i saw today put me back on lexapro because i had taken it before and i told her i dont think i had any reactions to it..and that i would prefer lexapro to prozac because that one i didnt like at all..and she gave me samples so i didnt have to spend the money on a prescription..and we talked about a lot of different things...she talked and tried to get me to talk..with in the first 20 or so minutes she stated that i wouldnt look at her..and a bit after that she told me that i had problems with talking about myself and what has happened to me, etc..which i find funny because shes right of course..those are two things i really dont deny at all..she wondered how i had managed to get out of seeing a pdoc until now kinda..considering you know that all of this has been going on for a really long time ... all of them ask about the hospital and what not ..but then we talked quite a bit about suicide and everything and she told me that her decision for putting me back on lexapro was because she didnt want to give me anything stronger that i could overdose on...and then she told me that she would prefer i was getting more intensive therapy..and i had to tell her that i wasnt leaving my therapist now so that issue she let drop..but back to the convo on meds..she told me that she thinks i will need a stronger combo of meds to help with the issues im having..but because of the sui stuff she didnt want to do that and will leave it to the pdoc to decide..thats the same reason kinda that she decided to stick to just starting me on one and seeing how that went before stopping it or changing it or something.. it just makes me feel really crazy to be told you know that i need more help, that im not getting enough :( i mean i would think i manage ok most days...but then bad days arent horribly bad..and the suicidal thoughts can be overwhelming on a pretty regular basis..but that doesnt make me crazy does it? i dont know..i told her i would try and i will and this time i wont just randomly stop them because i dont like taking them ...


i took the first dose today after i left the place and stopped to find info on the meds cas i had forgotten it all...and seriously i was ready to just go to bed a couple hours ago im so tired ..im trying to stay awake long enough to clean up a bit and organize work stuff to turn in tomorrow..but im not sure ill make it lol..and then theres the interview tomorrow but thats not even stressing me right now..mommy had her way and ill be wearing long sleeves tomorrow because i saw no point anymore in arguing about it you know...she had her say last night and let me know just how rotten and selfish i was.when all she was doing was trying to help and understand me..so i shut up about everything and just stood there and listened...and then the issue of dusti came up and things just fell apart from there...i wont cry over anything else but the thought of giving dusti away had me crying for an hour :'( not good at all


ps..i also showed the doc my arms and some of the other scars..the real ones..and she touched them and then told me that i didnt have to be ashamed of them ..that it would be ok

maybe thats exactly what im doing..looking for another way to kill myself and well its not like i have many options left..too much time away has made me not expect her to do anything and that was pretty stupid on my part..obviously i dont care if i die or not..obviously the scars will stop me from doing anything at all so why do i even bother trying..no i dont care..stupid me for thinking any different.take one away and something else has to take its place..maybe cutting just started it all..but thats not right because i was purging way before i started cutting..so i guess that started it..and then there was burning myself..which was a lot less messy..cutting and purging can both become really messy issues..but take all those away and then i was just suicidal..and wanted anything at all to make it go away..these days i guess binging wins most days for things to do to myself..but its not really done in a harming sort of way..i ijust want something to get my mind off of everything else..good, bad, upset, lonely, whatever it is..everything is all wrong..and i know given enough time i will do it and it wont matter..and its back to where it was a week ago..if i can just manage to pull away from everything then it wont matter and i can just go back to killing myself incredibly slowly..mommy wins again doesnt she ..she always win and then i just wonder what im doing..and what im thinking of doing will make linda so mad at me..it will make everyone mad at me..and that should concern me..i wish it did..but im almost wishing i could talk myself out of what ever it is that im trying to plan or think about or want..im thinking about everything all at once ..it has been made pretty clear that dusti is causing to much trouble for mommy in the house..even though she has been trapped upstairs and not allowed downstairs anymore..and im not here enough to keep her off of stuff and i was so sure i would never have to give her up..my head hurts with the stress of so many things and no way to work any of it out..theres no one to take dusti for me..and i dont know how ill keep her under the radar from mommy..maybe ill be able to find a job between and now whenever and be able to leave with dusti..if i gave her to the pound..there would be no reason at all for me to even bother coming home anymore..what will i need to give up inorder to keep dusti..food..breathing..living..there were other things in the nice conversation mommy had with me...and all that came out of it was that i have an attitude to much of the time, i need to lose weight, and i need to do something about dusti..not caring and working out killing myself and job search issues where in there too..and all done with my best interest in mind..how long has she been holding that conversation in..have things just been to quiet lately or something..i dont know..i should have expected something to happen..there were to many calm days i guess..but its all done with for now im assuming..one of those never ending dont let your guard down type days and i wasnt ready..my fault..but lets see how many stupid things i can do in a weeks time and go from there

curiousty killed something..i think

an interesting thing happened and i dont know why i never really considered it before...i didnt think twice when i put up a picture of me and one of the kids i worked with on facebook. it is a picture i like and find rather cute since it was one of his peaceful moments ..but i never put much thought into the fact that he could be mistaken for my child...i was shocked as heck when i got a message from someone telling me i had a beautiful baby..and it took a minute to even realize she was referring to the kid in the picture..and then its just funny..i guess thats just one of those things that would be assumed just based on the picture alone..but he is not mine..he is a cute kid..and there were times i wanted to take him home with me but no..i dont have kids and really dont think that will ever change..

but it was just one of those things that i forget ever even happen to me..at random times..i dont know

theres something else ive been wondering about dealing with cutting but ill have to write about it a bit later

what ive wanted to say all day


i dont like my reality
i need another one

and now im going to go and get lost in the world of the sims where everything always works out and everyone does what i say

im upset..angry..pissed off..annoyed..frustrated..trying to control myself..and my thoughts and none of it is going well because im to upset to even really be bothered with it..im really not liking the place where im supposed to be seeing the pdoc at ...i was rescheduled again today..after waiting for almost 45 minutes just to be told that i wasnt even on the schedule..and i dont know how that happened since the other lady called and told me i was when i was cancelled on last time..and its just so so stupid and a waste of time for me to keep showing up just to be told i cant be seen..hello ppl gas doesnt grow on freaking trees here..and im just mad and need to go and do something to stay busy

no i didnt get the job i interviewed for yesterday.
its ok. just a little disappointed.
:(

it didnt kill me

no ..not sleeping well at all..still so tired but also up and ugh..just want to go back to bed and not think about anything at all..maybe i just dont want to do anything at all..curl up under the covers and just sleep..i really truly hope next week is less stressful..

the interview yesterday was actually fairly ok..i thought i was going to be sick before i went lol but it wasnt to bad and so not very long ...but i talked to two ppl and they were nice and i could tell they had been working together for a good while just by how they were interacting with each other..they had a cat in the office..i only saw one but i think there may have been another one hiding :) it was a pretty small place and it would be a little more money but no benefits..and thats the really disappointing part in all of it..if i was offered the job im not even sure i would take it because of that and i want to just hold out a bit longer for more money and benefits..that would be the ideal thing...but yes it went ok. seriously the asked some funny questions and one stumped me but really who can think up a way to deal with an adult male wanting to go to the store in a pink tutu?! it took a minute to stop wanting to laugh to think of an appropriate answer..and the funny question was just being asked if i could use a computer ;) nope i have no idea how to use one :P but that all aside it was fun hanging out with my sister last night until i almost feel asleep on the floor and she sent me to bed..so now i have an interview next week and then ill work on more applications...its interesting because craigslist is pretty cool for looking up jobs all over the state..and there are jobs but they are so so far away :( and im taking like 5 hours and that is pretty far away all things considered..there is one i want to apply for because it is a job that is with the same company i work for now..just a different office and it would mean going back up to the mountains which i wouldnt mind at all..but im not sure about that..i want to ask my supervisors about that office but then that would let them know im looking for a job and i dont want to let them know that just yet..but i want to find out if it would even be possible to be transferred or something..but i cant decide..i want to apply but i think thats just to far away to want to deal with right now..and just sticking to the area i live in now and only applying around here, then i have to be a lot more patient in waiting for jobs and openings and things..but i guess i need to stop thinking about it all today..for now anyway...lots of stuff to do today and this week and just to catch up with things in general before next week

last night was seriously boring and tiring..4 hours of never ending boredom :boxer ok really it wasnt that bad the driving class thing..fairly informative..but i would have liked it a lot better if it hadnt been a $200 class..that was the really bad part because it just got in the way big time of other stuff..money wise..like every other freaking bill :snoopy im wiped out again and i now have 2 weeks before getting paid again and its so frustrating i could just scream..and the worries just dont seem to stop at all...hmmm all of it is just waiting and waiting and more waiting..

but on to other news..i got dusti a new flea collar because i just like those better and there easier i think tthan drops or anything and i dont think the drops work as well cas dusti is a furry little ball of hair to be a cat lol..can cats be groomed ? like getting a hair cut and stuff? i think hazard pay would be involved if anyone ever tried to groom dusti lol..but i worked on her last night a bit..and was coming her fur and all the little bugs are seriously creeping me out but i know she will feel better once i have them off of her so ill just suffer a bit longer and keep checking her to see how its working...i just keep wondering how she got them ugh..but she is a cat and i guess for fleas she is a pretty tempting meal deal..but i should be glad its not ticks cas those suck worse than fleas lol..and fleas i can get off much easier..and i should stop talking about bugs now before i weird myself out anymore lol. anyone want to volunteer to come and give dusti a little haircut?? if you make it out with all your fingers and toes umm you can have a coloring book ;)

and now im slowly trying to avoid starting my day..i really really am ..

its interesting that this week has been pretty level when it comes to feeling sad or upset or anything..but its been so busy with everything else..and i think it has helped a lot that mommy hasnt been home for a few days..i dont think ive even seen her for 2 whole days ..not that im complaining..ive talked to her on the phone an stuff..but havent actually seen her..just interesting you know..its easier ..a lot easier being at home without her here, and that still makes me feel really guilty

nervous..

and now im scared. nervous..i have a job interview today and everything about it is making me nervous. im afraid again that ill mess up or something and when i was talking to t about it yesterday she kinda pointed out that well the worse thing that could happen would be to not be offered the job..and thats not even the end of the world because i have a job and can manage a little bit for now any way. she also mentioned that it would be good practice .. i think she may have lost it lol..but anyhoo trying hard to stay calm and busy until then..i actually came up to my sisters and stayed the night because she is really only like 10 mins away from where ill be interviewing at..vs the hour and some i would have had to drive this morning to come..decided to come last night and just stay with her..less stress you know..and i need all the stress relievers i can get .. but im going..and hoping it will be ok and i wont mess up or anything..can only do my best..and work hard to look at the lady..but its just an interview..not the end of the world..i can do it..
funny though cas i was reading the email the lady sent me the other day..about whether i would be moving or not and one of the kids i babysit was standing next to me talking about something..and so im trying to read the email and all of a sudden i have him yelling in my ear 'nnnnnnnnoooooooo u cant move' lol..i had to tell him to calm down and that i wasnt moving anywhere yet ;) but the good thing that comes out of this..is that if i did get a job here..i could just come and stay at my sisters during the week and go to work..instead of driving the two hours to go home and stuff every day..and go home on the weekends ..just until i found a place to live..the only problem of course being dusti and making sure she was being taken care of while i wasnt there..because my sister refuses to let me bring dusti to her place..so that would be the only draw back for a while .. if it happened that way

but linda is right..i will just go and do my best and it will be ok and it wont kill me ..and ill go home and move on and if something comes of it great and if not its ok..and i still have another interview next week..and there will be other jobs to apply for..so yes it will be ok. i just keep to stay relaxed and calm..and mommy was mad at me last night because i wouldnt tell her in detail what i was planning on wearing for the interview..because i knew already what she would tell me about it and i didnt want to hear it..i dont need the added stress right now..i talked over my options with my sister and thats good enough for me..really it is..for now..eventually i need to find a better shirt and i couldnt find one i liked yesterday when i was shopping around a little bit..but its not the end of the world..i really dont have the money to spend on another shirt anyway and i have stuff to wear you know...but its not long sleeves and so she will be really mad at that because she is dead positive that my lack of being unable to get a job is because of the scars on the lower part of my arm..its only 3 noticeable scars which could have come from anything at all..and if im ok with them showing then a job interview isnt going to change that at all..and its to hot to be in long sleeves anyway..so no i have no real intention of showing her my arms ..and maybe ill keep looking around for another shirt but its not a top priority at all you know..it just made me mad that she started telling me what i needed to wear and what to say before i even managed to tell her anything at all..and so then i just refused to tell her anything...

today is going to be so so very busy..interview an then rushing back to my sisters to get changed..and then rushing back home to go to work..and then going to the driving thing tonight..gosh..im tired just thinking about it all...

still havent caught up on late paperwork .. all the running around has messed up the plans to get that done..crap..but once its late its just late..and so ill try to work on it tonight and stuff..but im not holding my breath because i can do it all over the weekend and catch up..i didnt want to wait that long though you know..its just every night has been something an then working and yeah..most likely just excuses but oh well..ill get it in..just a little later than i planned..

today is thursday..and tomorrow is friday and that means pdoc and id better not think about that at all right now..

its 6:30 in the morning and im about to go and run to the store because my sister doesnt have fingernail polish remover and i dont think having blue fingernail polish on would make a good first impression! :rb

and ill have to think about the doc a bit more..i keep just wanting to put it off and off and off until i forget i even need to go..but ill think about it ok.thanks u guys for the offers :)

and i wont even get on the money issues today..i get paid and all of it is gone ..:( between the rental for another week and the driving thing im in the dead zone for money ..babysitting really is all that is saving me right now..and i think it will be just once to see t next week cas of it... :snoopy but i think she had to move my appt anyway and so that makes it a little bit easier to cancel the friday appt..im just glad i kept money out of the bank for the pdoc and t for tomorrow already..so yeah..just another reminder on why i really do need another job and its just about being able to take care of myself

scared...yep

interview tomorrow
interview next week
pdoc on friday

im on overload right now
what am i thinking!

and i have nothing to wear

lots of thinking ...but thats not new

note to self...never never never ever try to give dusti a bath again lol..she was not happy at all and i couldnt even get under her neck..so yeah that didnt go very well at all but i lived so i guess it was ok! henry mentioned how pathetic dusti looked last night after her bath cas her fur was all slicked down and she looked about half the size she usually was..and well she just kinda looked like a little drowned and mad and unhappy all at the same time ..so i wont put her through that again..ive learned my lesson i suppose..but still have to do something about the fleas..so im giving it a couple days before i go and get her a new flea collar..that just worked best for her..so ill go back to it..and tonight i will clean my room completely..since it was just to late last night and i was just so tired when i got home..although her fur is awesomely soft right now lol..

dee and harry are out of town until sunday! which means one that im babysitting all weekend! and two, mommy isnt going to be home tonight or tomorrow night! which is even more awesome .. is it bad that it makes me that excited to know she wont be here?! i dont know..im not sure i care ..but it works out extremely well really..ill get extra money and still not be at home..after im done babysitting on sunday if its not to late then ill prolly go up and see nia she is sent me a message yesterday to ask if i wanted to hang out...i told her she had to be really bored to be asking me if i wanted to hang out ..but i know shes kinda just stuck up there..so ill try to go and drop by sometime..

well job stuff is becoming a little interesting..i have an interview next week and then i have to call a lady back about setting up an interview..and i realize that i was applying to the wrong places..which i do feel a little stupid about..i know i have a bsw but my experience has nothing at all to do with working at a dss..and i do kinda want to work in foster care but my experience kinda prevents me from even being considered..if i had done the collaborative i would have been a better candidate for the dss jobs.but i didnt want to..i dont want to work in dss really and so im not sorry about not doing the collaborative while in school...i know it would have made things a little bit easier job wise but the stress would have killed me...so this time around im apply for both actually..and the lower level dss jobs because i kinda have to get into dss if i want to move up and gain some experience in that area..but im also applying for QP jobs where my experience is at..and look i have almost 2 interviews already..i see QP jobs all over the state and i can apply for all of them..not that i would..but the option is there and somehow i just kept missing it big time...theres one up near the outer banks i want to apply for because it would be a lot closer to yvonne without actually being in va..there are some farther away than i like that i want to apply for but that makes me scared a little bit ...its not moving really that scares me..just that moving would mean stopping therapy..because unfortunately a 5 hour drive to come back for therapy isnt an ok thing..im not looking forward to starting that over..so im holding out for a job around here...the farthest away ive applied is fayettville and thats a couple hours away..i have an interview in wilmington which really would be very cool if i was offered that job..but the other interview that i need to set up today would be in jacksonville and thats only 45 mins away..and nia is there for now also..which would be cool and if they moved i would so take there apartment lol..not even kidding..there are a lot of jobs up near Raleigh but thats to busy for me..and other random places that are just to far away to truly consider..the only one really being elizabeth city because its closer to yvonne..i may apply anyway and just see you know..i try to remind myself that linda tells me being offered a job doesnt mean i have to take it...driving 5 hours to interview would kinda blow if i wasnt offered a job though lol..but thats what this is i guess..putting yourself out there( which i truly dont like) and hoping for the best..or hoping for anything..but im sticking to my agreement and doing applications and what not..and trying not to stress to badly over all the other stuff like moving to far away, and stopping therapy, and well interviewing lol..although i dont think it will be as bad as the dss interview where i had 3 ppl staring at me...the QP positions i think will just be one person talking to me and thats not as bad..so thats moving along i guess

umm yesterdays therapy still has me thinking..not sure just yet if its in a good or bad way though..im just somewhere in the middle of it wondering what to really think about it all...i actually went and gave her what i wanted to..i never do that..i always convince myself to wait or its not important or something..and yesterday after rambling on about random things for a bit, i finally got around to giving her what i wrote a few nights ago..and then i gave her an email i got because well i figured maybe she would agree with my view on it..which i should have known wasnt going to happen.but i could hope darnit..but then linda goes and agrees with it all and its like crap there goes my plan to keep ignoring it all..but thinking about it and not being a dork about it i know that i havent been ignoring it at all..just kinda trying not to think about it to much..and hope that it would stop or something..but i dont think thats possible anymore..but i dont like it still..it bothers me and thats what i have to write about for homework..in some way that ive slightly forgotten..ill have to think about it a little more and figure out why its all bothering me so much..and then on friday i have the appt with the pdoc that im hoping wont be changed on me again..

thursday night i get to waste 200 bucks for a stupid 4 hour class that i have no desire at all to take ..but ill be there because if not it will be back to court for me and id rather just lose the $200 now and get it over with so its not hanging over my head anymore..i kept pushing it back and now i have to go pretty much..thursday is my last chance..

you know i was talking to a friend from camp last night..havent talked to her in a really long time and have missed her a lot ..and she has a lot of junk she is dealing with too and we chatted for a long time about what was going on and how things will eventually get better if we wait them out long enough..and its just annoying you know how different the world seems when you are in college..things are just not the same..once you graduate and get out of college things kinda bite royally..and its all a struggle in some way..we talked about the lack of money also which just makes everything worse ..essh

i really really need to stop fighting the need to go and see a reg doc..ive put it off for so long but now the issue im trying to avoid isnt getting any better and im sure its getting a little worse actually..not life threatening or anything but just a huge annoyance..and slightly bothersome..but the issue of paying for it and going and not wanting to be looked at..and it makes me anxious big time even just thinking about it..also stinks that the clinic place i could go to only accepts new clients on weds nights and that would mean not working on a wed..after that its whenever but the first appt has to be a wed and thats a slight problem you know..and im using it as a big big excuse ..and im trying to talk myself out of the excuse because its obviously not hard to call out for my wed person and get a fill in or something..but i hate losing the hours right now ..i dont want to.but i know im supposed to be taking care of myself and going to the doc would be one of those things i should do as needed and not put it off until it gets worse like now...but the excuses just cover up the anxiety and i kinda dont want to go..(do we see a trend here of no doctors) ..hmm i wonder if i consider linda a doctor? i dont think so..well i dont see her as like a medical doctor..im ok with her but not with anyone else..but crap just something else to worry about..it seems ..maybe if i tell the family today that i cant come next week then ill have to go to the doctor..and wont be able to talk myself out of it..i dont know what to do about that one..just yet..gosh its been so long since ive been to the doc..a real one.for like a check up or something..in college i had to go every so often to be patched up a bit from bad cuts and they gave me a tetanus shot once and massive antibiotics a couple times..but gosh i seriously think its been like 7 years or something maybe more...i think the last real time was before i left for college..and maybe not even then..im really not sure..i know when i worked at the camp the first time in 06 i had to get a physical but i think i refused to do it completely cas of the whole undressing thing..was in high school when the cutting started and i think thats about the time i stopped wanting to go to the doctor..something happened but i dont remember what..it may have just been a reaction to the scars..but im not sure

headache and annoyed...

have a major headache today...moved my morning person to tomorrow..and completely slacked off and didnt finish paperwork cas i didnt feel good and didnt want to do it..so ill have to do it later tonight..

not ready for t at all..worked up way to much..thoughts keep going back and forth and im losing track of them..i want..i dont know what i want..i want to go back to bed

im annoyed because somehow dusti has gotten fleas and it really makes no sense how since shes an indoor cat..maybe its from her being in the windows when they are open? i dont know .. im assuming there fleas but maybe they are just bugs of some sort..but they arent ticks..of that much im sure...but now i get to freak out about that along with everything else..and will have to go in search of shampoo of some sort for her today..and see who is brave enough to tackle giving her a bath :blink: its not an easy endeavor at all lol..and poor dusti wont come near me for a while afterwards lol..but i know she will need to go to the vet soon anyway for a checkup...but getting the annoying creepy little bugs off her is a big big priority for today..but i need to call the vet to and figure all that out..i dont even remember where her carrier is its been so long since ive had to use it..

not sleeping

im not sleeping good. and its starting to bother me a lot..normally sleep isnt a problem, it just pops up every so often and makes trouble and then goes away again..guess that means i have to take something to sleep tonight, so i better get all my work stuff finished so i can sleep in tomorrow morning..

im glad its monday though, back to the ususal stuff and that makes me feel a bit better..found a couple more jobs to apply for..and decided against applying for one i really liked because its part time and moving the 7 hhours to get there if i got the job really would not be worth it unfortunately ..slightly disappointed in that but now im glad i reread the announcement thing..but its ok ..i get completely stuck thinking that now is like all the time i have..i forget that its not like that and i have tons of time to get things done (in a general sense here)..and that moving, or getting a new job, or going back to school all dont have to happen now and it wont be the end of the world to do the school thing later on..going back to school is one of those things i really am completely sure about..and it would be one of the only things im completely sure about! but im also pretty sure now isnt the time to add on the stress of school on top of everything else..so then a couple more years away wont hurt anything..

ok trying again

somehow today...after becoming upset as usual over old things, and the thoughts starting to go haywire made me just realize that all of it is wrong..all of it is just warped in my head when it comes to thoughts and seeing myself and all of that..it makes sense to me but when i try to explain or try to make someone else understand it the same way i do..then it doesnt make sense anymore..i always wonder how it is that no one else agrees with me when i say im bad or stupid or something..i really do engage in some heavy transference a lot of the time..and it gets to the point of thinking that everyone else is lying to me or wrong or just not seeing it right..and i think mommy is right but then that doesnt make sense either because mommy is wrong..but what she says is more important for some reason..maybe i just cant seem to break that bond/dependence/whatever..actually i think ..well im thinking that im having a hard time seeing all of it from anyone elses point of view..i know my point of view..and i would think i could imply mommys point of view if i tried hard enough..but then i have loads of other ppl telling me all this good stuff and i wonder how so many people could be all wrong about me...and then its all confusing again..everyone cant be wrong..well they could but the odds of that happening are pretty slim..and someone has to be wrong in all of this..maybe i shouldnt say wrong..maybe its just ppls opinions and thoughts and actions cant be controlled by someone else..but i can control myself..i think..and i try to control everyone elses thoughts about me by not believing them when they are saying nice things because that goes against what i am used to hearing..and even though there are times i completely like hearing nice things about myself.i always forget them just as quickly..but i can think about all the negative stuff for days without stopping for anything..and mommy just feeds into it and makes it worse..or she starts it and i let it get worse without trying to stop it or without putting effort into realizing and acknowledging that she is wrong or that she is not telling me the complete truth..linda says i have to decide what i want to believe..as she has told me a million times and im still trying not to decide..i have moments of clarity that i have to admit are happening a little more often these days..but still they are fast moments of thoughts where it all just makes sense and i know with the utmost certainty that i am not stupid or bad..that i am not flawed in some huge way or just destined to forever be bad or in trouble..at some point it all has to stop..and im not talking stop like suicide or anything..but just stop like thinking wise about things that cant be controlled or even fixed overnight..which would then mean stopping just about all of my daily thoughts..and that is pretty funny..but i guess im just still so caught up in wanting to be wanted/loved by mommy..and so there is still that drive to be exactly who she wants me to be and to do what she wants..but if i cant even be in the same house and not feel suicidal then that should be an even bigger flashing sign that something is wrong..i want it to be better..and im afraid to let go of that..what will happen if i stop hoping for things to get better with her? what will happen then? the disappointed of being rejected on a fairly continuous basis is just getting harder to deal with..and i think that just adds to all the negative thoughts..how can i be good enough at anything when im always being told im stupid or that i should be doing something, i should be doing better. im not managing to live up to some expectation that i had forgotten was even in place, theres always something else to strive for, something to be better at..but it has rarely ever been what i wanted..i did what i was supposed to do, not what i wanted to do..and now having to decide what to do with therapy stuff is really hard..i wait still to be told what to do and linda doesnt do that..she wont tell me what to do..things cant always be right or wrong can they? its not bad to want out is it? im trying hard to remember i have options and all roads seem to lead to leaving..and im having to become ok with that..the world will go on whether im at home or not..but i guess id rather it went on without me being so suicidal and just stuck..i dont think i ever really truly want to die..i think its more of just the idea that dying means not having to deal with any of it anymore..that it will all be over and done with..but i dont want to die..i want the hurting to stop, i want the thoughts to stop, id like the chatter in my head to give me a break some days..but none are things that suicide would make better..and knowing that does nothing to make it better..not really..i cant comfort myself or remind myself that ill feel better in a few days because im not sure anymore..im not sure ill be able to keep convincing myself that suicide wouldnt help anything or make anything better..
guess i should stop rambling now

thinking

no im not stupid, or bad, or worthless or unimportant..or anything else i can come up with..or mommy can come up with..so i just decided today for some reason..its just so hard now to sit and agree and listen to all of it and let it make me so upset ..when i know its not true and i just get sidetracked into believing it because thats easier than trying not to believe it..but now is hard to agree to it and maybe it is because i have linda telling me over and over that its not true..and shes just managing to get into my head and take up space..maybe its just that im older and can see it more clearly..
and im having a really hard time writing this..maybe ill add more later..maybe not

you know what..

i want to travel...thats what i really want to do..i want to just go and see everything and learn about all these different places..all the different cultures and lifestyles and just see how there are so many different extremes to the same world..i want to go to Alaska and see the northern lights..i want to go to Australia and camp in butterfly gorge..i want to go and see New Zealand, Ireland, i want to go to England, Paris, Spain, i want to go back to DC, and Colorado, and visit all the random places that are in the middle of no where..and i want to remember it..

snoop

the adorable puppy i got to play with today at work :)

again

im sad
again
it really shouldnt surprise me at all..but i am and im glad i have to go to work and i cant back out of it ..because if i could i most likely wouldnt show up and that means staying at home and i dont want to do that either..so work it is for a few hours and then babysitting later on tonight..which will keep my busy for today at least..and maybe tomorrow i can figure out something to do to keep busy..if i get paid tomorrow then i can go and run errands a little bit..get caught up on a few bills and what not..fun i know..maybe ill get that book ive been wanting..but im taking my client to the library today so maybe ill be able to find something there that i want to read..and im just rambling so i guess im done

im just mad at everything right now..it all sucks and i hate it and i dont know

i want to scream

well ..really disappointed right now..surprisingly..the pdoc place let me know when i got there that they needed to reschedule me to next week because of more scheduling conflicts..they get one more try to get it right or whatever..the waiting and then not having it happen is making me really upset and its not helping the anxiety about the appt at all

you know..in everything that has happened this week..i have yet to tell mommy that i have a job interview..i dont want to tell her..i dont want her to ruin it by telling me for a week everything i should be doing or what i need to do..i dont want that..maybe ill wait until the day of the interview..i dont know..maybe i just wont tell her at all until afterwards..i dont know

why do they say it has to get worse before it can get better? why cant it just be better? now..i want it to be better right now and not some undetermined amount of time in the future..i dont want it to get worse and im not even sure it can but waiting around for it to get better is even harder..and i dont like it..at all

anxious..nervous..and thats about all

going in circles

today ... omg lol to put it nicely..my head is still spinning in circles from everything that has gone on today. first i finished 3 job applications this morning, one in email and 2 that i had to take to the post office to mail..and it just so happened that like 5 hours later i get a call from the place i emailed this morning asking me to call back and talk to them about my resume and stuff..and i freaked out almost instantly because it was like just way to soon and i was working myself up to just the possibility of a phone call or something..but no they called..and a few hours later i managed to pull myself together and called them back and talked to the lady and she sounded nice enough..and the interview is set up for umm june 9th..so its not to soon and it gives me some time to get used to the idea..and that makes it a little bit better..and then the pdoc place called which so makes me wonder if my t called and asked why i didnt get an appt lol...but anyway they called and so i have an appt to see that doc on friday which im also worried about ..went to work and that was ok..and then had to be an adult and take care of bills and getting things changed around and all that fun stuff and it all worked out ok for now i think...some things just have to be pushed into next month it seems..but one i had to cancel paying on completely for this month because it just wasnt going to work out..and then of course keeping the rental for another undetermined set of days...

.my head hurts big time right now and now im babysitting

im tired

for the second night in a row im so so tired..its only 9 and im ready to go to bed..im thinking about tomorrow and what i need to do tomorrow ..im a little worried about tomorrow but it will be ok i guess.

i saw linda today and it was ok..we talked about my weekend and how to help me feel better and handle the downtime at home better..which i dont think will ever happen but im going to have to try harder at it..-sigh- i hate it here but im stuck here..so i have to deal with being here for now..and that means dealing with it..somehow .. i want to believe what linda tells me but im not sure still..how can i not be sure? every day i come home and feel horrible or i talk to mommy on the phone or even just end up in the same room as her and get criticized or talked bout or picked on or something and it hurts..it always hurts..and i just still keep waiting..and i dont seem to really understand what happens..i notice it sometimes..more now than ever before but im still waiting..and maybe it is just harder because i am at home..because i am still dealing with it all every day and its harder to separate it..i wish i could just believe linda and everyone else..although the image i got from her today is still pretty funny about the balancing scales..and mommy vs everyone else..it makes sense seeing it like that..it really does..i even got distracted writing today and made a mini sketch of it in my journal..but maybe just knowing that its wrong and hurtful is enough to start with..tonight it was a little easier to let mommy just do her thing and kinda ignore her and not listen..but at the same time i was really tense when i figured out she was upstairs..i still wished to be any where else..the tension was in my shoulder and neck again because i was paying so much attention to listening and just waiting to see what was going to happen..so i dont know..maybe it will just get better in time..maybe im starting to see things differently and need to be a little more patient..i dont know

hmm i have a couple things to work on before seeing linda on friday..why is it so hard to tell her everything? :( i wanted to tell her what the bad thoughts were..i wanted to tell her all of them and instead of that i only told her a few..and now i want her to tell me the reasons why all of them are not true and not just the ones i told her about..because i told her that some of the bad thoughts were just that i was stupid, and that i couldnt do anything right, and that i was bad...but in addition to those i was thinking you know that i was worthless, that i deserved to die, that i was horrible and a waste of space..there are so many bad thoughts and i get so caught up in them but it is hard ..really hard to voice them to someone else..and it makes me sad..because then i just start thinking that im not trying or something..but umm im supposed to be making a list of things that i have done right ..and i think about it and i really do think that i worded it wrong but i cant figure out how i want to word it..because i cant think of anything that ive done right..maybe it should be things ive accomplished or something..and then i need to come up with some things to do on the weekend, to get me out of the house and away from mommy..and im still at a loss for both of those right now..no idea what to write or say about them..and i know trying to do it tonight isnt a good idea since all these things are rolling around in my head.and that it may be easier tomorrow or the next day to think about it and really put some effort into it..and who knows maybe one of these days i will get around to believing that im not bad or stupid or any of that stuff..i want to believe it..i do

and linda is going to call the pdoc place and ask about why i didnt get in for an appt..so im guessing she will fill me in on that on friday

so now im thinking about a lot of different things as usual..trying to figure out what i like to do..i dont know anymore..considering trying out watercolors..i feel like drawing actually and that is surprising since i am well not a great drawer..but i miss painting a lot right now and i want to paint and cant..so i just need to figure out some way to get the pictures out of my head..i dont know how to talk about them and i cant afford to lose any more words lol..seriously

well i guess im done rambling for the night..

"I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure--which is: Try to please everybody." - Herbert Bayard Swope

today..thoughts on the hospital

my head has been hurting all day today... i think im just feeling a little sick and didnt sleep well last night..i keep having dreams about abandoning a baby..its the second time ive had a dream like this that i remember..last night i seriously left the baby on the side of the road and just walked away..even thinking about it makes me feel horrible..beyond horrible..and its hard..last time it was just leaving the house and not knowing with whom i left the baby with..this time i completely just walked away and left her all alone..and i wouldnt let myself go back and when i did go back to check she was gone..and then i didnt know what happened and that made the dream seen 10x worse..i dont know how i come up with some of this stuff..but that really didnt help my mood at all upon waking up this morning..i wasnt ok in the slightest..but as usual i got up eventually and made it to work and did what i was supposed to do..and it makes me so mad that i cant just have my breakdown and actually breakdown..no i have to keep doing stuff and turning things in and calling my therapist..i did call linda this morning..it took a little while but i did it..and she actually picked up and that scared me a little since i was working myself up to leaving a message..but then i had to talk to her..and told her that i wasnt ok and we had our usual suicide is not the answer type chats..and she gave me ideas for staying busy tonight and tomorrow until i see her..and that was fine..it gave me time to focus a bit..clear my head a little in talking to her..but then she mentioned that the hospital was always an option and of course the refusal was almost instantaneous ..i was so mad that she even voiced that one to me..and i told her no and that it just wasnt an option and that i refused to go..and she said ok..she let me know that she would prefer it was my choice to go to the hospital..but that if she had to she would put me in the hospital..and i know that is always an underlying issue..i know that its her job to keep me safe if she knows im planning something..but i really would never ever talk to her again if she forced me into the hospital..i would never forgive her for that..so she let the issue drop..and things were ok again..but then me and my lovely head just seemed to latch on to the idea of the hospital later on..and wondering if maybe it was a good idea to just go and try and get a break from things in a safe place without having to worry about anything that stresses me out..get me away from home, etc..there are a lot of reasons it wouldnt work..like not being able to afford it, and having to possibly tell mommy, and missing work, and just my life stopping for a while you know..that is not ok..but then the cons would be being in a safe place, having constant support, getting a break from things, learning new coping skills, getting more support in place for outside of the hospital..there are just as many on either side..and its hard to decide which is the right way to go..if i cant keep a hold on the suicidal thoughts with lindas help then maybe she is right to mention the hospital as an alternative..because if she cant help then i dont have anyone else who is close enough to me to help..and then i would most likely end up in the hospital anyway for trying to kill myself and where would that get me? i want to die and then i dont want to die..i want to go away and just have a break you know..a real break..but just stopping everything for a few days in the hospital may not be the way to get a break..maybe it is the next step..maybe the hospital for a few days would help get me leveled out a bit and more able to deal with the daily stuff of being at home until i moved and everything..right now its easy to take off a week from work..but i dont know how long i would be expected to stay in the hospital if i went that route..i would want to plan it and figure it all out before agreeing to do it..i would need to plan it out or else i wont agree to it..its odd that a part of me really wants to say ok ill go..just screw everything and go to the hospital..the more rational side disagrees and refuses to just stop everything for a stay in the hospital..i dont know what i want to do..i know that i am being more and more unsafe with myself and that its just getting worse..if i told linda the truth and let her know honestly how often i was suicidal i would have been put in the hospital a long time ago..i really want to stay out of the hospital..i will still refuse to go..but its just part of me wonders if maybe it will be better to go and get help in a stable place now..and see what happens over being forced into it because i cant think about anything but killing myself anymore..

i havent figured out anything

there will never be a way to get all of the pain and hurt out..there just arent enough words in the world for that..it takes all of my control not to react.not to just go and hurt myself to feel better, to stop the desire to cry, to block out all the thoughts and hurt from myself..cant get it out of my head.. i just want it to stop

thinking

im about to fall asleep ..but i cant because im babysitting and im supposed to be awake and well awake ..but its almost midnight and ive been up and yeah im starting to just want to complain about why im so tired..

today has been interesting..well t was interesting..we talked about moving and jobs and what i need to do in order to move..and ive decided that if the option came with my sister then i would consider it but waiting till then to make a decision would not be a good idea for me..last minute rushing leads to a break down pretty fast..and it would be best to avoid that..but it was easier than usual today to talk to her..i tried harder..but then the conversation went back to eye contact and it was hard but thankfully we were ending and i couldnt stay lol..but she said we would talk about it more later..and she was telling me you know some of the reasons she thought it was so hard for me..and something about it is bothering..something i am trying so hard to remember and it keeps slipping away from me..something that is so close to being discovered in a way and i cant get ahold of it..i dont know what it is im trying to remember right now..but something is on my mind and maybe once i sleep a bit it will be a little bit clearer..i dont know

hmmm

maybe things will be ok i guess..i dont know..made it through yesterday with no major upsets but then it could still all fall apart really quickly..im hoping its over and done with..im hoping it will be ok..im just hoping that nothing else happens..

have been thinking alot about things ...putting a lot of stuff into perspective in a way i guess..because it really does seem like life and everything involved is just passing me by and im missing it because im so caught up in a million different things..someone asked me the other day ..well mentioned that maybe i was doing to much, trying to do things for everyone else..and i thought about it and really had to wonder why it never really occurred to me before..how could i have missed the most obvious of things you know..i never really think about slowing down.i think about doing more..i need to do more, i need to help everyone..and i do have time alone but even then some times its just spent waiting to be needed by someone..waiting to need to do something else and i dont really always use the time to do things for me..maybe backing off of things a bit is a good idea..but i dont know how because i look at everything i do and its all important..it all seems important i guess...but maybe not being at the beck and call of everyone will be a good thing..getting a job and moving and just worrying about myself and my job..and it does make me feel selfish in a way..but if im completely worn out from helping everyone else then i wouldnt be much help in the end..its all so confusing in some ways...

maybe i will plan a little trip or something at the end of the summer...maybe sooner than that..i cant decide..but i know a trip somewhere would be nice..and im not even sure i want to do anything with anyone else.i just want to get away for a few days..i would have considered going up to see yvonne for her birthday but then the no car thing gets in the way of that and its pretty last minute now..and then if i went up there it would be staying in a hotel again..and thats more money..theres someone i consider a friend who lives in georgia that has asked if we could meet and hang out and im considering it..if i went that direction i could stop and see stephanie cas she is pregnant and i am happy for her..gosh it seems like forever since i lived with her lol..good grief we watched pbs every morning before classes..in college no less barney and reading rainbow and all of those shows..yeah it has been a long time since ive seen her..so i dont kow yet what i want to do..but just thinking..cas i know ill need money to get away for any amount of time...and maybe ill just go back to the outerbanks for a few days..maybe i can drive it without getting lost this time lol..that would be a good thing..but the summer rates are so high for the outerbanks ..essh..everything costs money and thats exactly what i dont have right now..

but i found a job that i want to apply for..a couple hours away from here..going to mail it out today..and then theres one i think ill work on this weekend and see about sending that one it also..

rob is going to cali this weekend..and he will be gone for a month..and then he comes back and it looks like he really will have to go overseas around aug or so..mommy wants nia to move home, and nia is pretty sure she isnt going to do that at all..and i dont blame her..mommy expects her to move home..and i hope nia doesnt cave and come back..it would be good in some ways but not good in a lot of others and the good really dont outweigh the bad..

lots of things just going on...

oh the pdoc i most likely wont be seeing today because its to last minute with them and rescheduling...ive called twice this week to find out what time i was given and they are still working on the schedule and the appointment was supposed to be today..and i cant just leave work at the drop of a hat to go to an appt..therapy is different because i know the time well in advance and i know how to work around when i need to leave..so im guessing it will just have to be rescheduled..no biggie..i will get there eventually..and not spending the 90 bucks to see the doc will be a good thing this week..cant really afford it anyway and so waiting will be fine..

and then im hoping all the car stuff will be taken care of in this upcoming week..i had to rent another car yesterday and it was more expensive..more money gone..another paycheck totally wiped out by getting a rental..and now i really am not keeping up with bills and its frustrating big time.. but im babysitting this weekend at least and im hoping that will take care of some of the money issues for another week at least..i live week to week..not even paycheck to paycheck anymore..it sucks

big big mistake

things are well not all that great...i made a really really bad choice and now i could be in a whole lot of trouble and i dont know how to make it right now .. am sorry it all happened now and it was an accident you know but still i made the choice to lie about what happened instead of telling the truth because i was scared..and now if it comes back to me lying i will be in a lot more trouble..and its all just waiting and seeing what happens right now..eventually im guessing the truth will come out and ill have to live with the consequences ..but still its really hard and feeling miserable big time about it

this morning kinda did not get off to a good start ..i was stupid and forgot to take the bandaids off before going downstairs this morning..she demanded to see, as if i was lying about them being bug bites and proceeded to tell me i needed to stop doing that to myself..and so i just walked away and didnt really say anything..im not dumb enough to actually cut my ankles again..to hot for that because of wearing shorter pants and things..but yeah just went and did something else for a while..until got distracted on something else...

going to be taking the rental back on monday and getting all that taken care of i hope without having to be overdrawn but i think by the end of it i will be and then ill just be using mommys car until thursday when ill have the money to get another rental car and hopefully i wont have to keep it as long...its crazy ive spent over $2000 on the rental ..and then mommy doesnt get it when i say i dont have money... but im trying to be nice and not flip out around her because she is letting me use her car for a few days..and i know ill just have to make sure to help with gas money and thats a little more manageable..

but now im not at home..i came to the kids i babysit house to look after the dog and just hang out for a bit..and will be going home later on..no point in going home to do nothing..i can do nothing here and its a lot quieter..im trying hard not to complain at home because now with the younger brother home, and the older brother in and out a bit more..i keep getting stuck with cleaning up everything upstairs where all r bedrooms are..and its like well if we are all so called adults then there is no reason they cant clean the bathroom..but still it falls on me..to clean everything upstairs..and they get to go and do whatever..but its always like that so makes to sense to expect it to be different now..but still its upsets me a lot and its a waste to even bring it up anymore because then the conversation turns into how selfish i am..and how i dont help out enough..and trying to avoid that :(

hmmm

its friday night..im at home..and suddenly incredibly incredibly bored ..and no money to do anything and dont want to waste the gas and go anywhere until tomorrow..essh

but today has been pretty quiet...just trying not to worry about money because i just cant do anything about that and ill have to deal with an overdrawn acct if it comes to that..tomorrow i get to tackle the massive amounts of laundry i have been putting off and that gets me out of the house for most of the day! that is a good good thing :) ..maybe will go and buy a new book..and i cant believe i just wrote that but we went to the bookstore today and that was a big big biggggggggggggg mistake lol...but i went and worked with the baby today and he was so funny ...the first 15 mins i was there he cried and wanted his grandmother..but then he figured out i was the one with the toys and he came and played with me..and then when it was time to go and i had folded up the mat we use..he goes and takes the mat back down..unfolds it..and sits on it and looks at me :) as if i was supposed to be staying longer and he forgot im assuming that it took forever to get him to sit on the mat in the first place! (its been a couple weeks since ive actually worked with him)..but he is a cute cute kid :) and he did all this and the kid is only 1! and then went and saw my other person and it was ok with her too...got really sad around the time to see t but doing ok with that..wanting to talk to her as always ..but will have to wait until next week..essh..and then i got a message from my friend saying that she was trying to come and visit me for a couple days..sunday and monday and i told her to let me know..it would be awesome if she came

just the usual

I have been thinking a lot about this week and everything that has happened and how today I have felt ok regardless of everything going on. Im trying so hard to let things go, to just believe the people I know and trust and not pay as much attention to what mommy tells me. I have been reading all the messages to some of my posts in other places and it makes me wonder why I want to believe mommy so much and ignore everyone else. That makes no sense to me at all, why disagree with the responses I want to hear and keep and believe. I know it makes it harder because I am at home and it is so much easier to get caught up thinking mommy is right when she isnt. It makes me sad really, all of it but I know or Im trying to know that it I am capable of thinking for myself and that I can think what ever I want, but I just need to get control back from her. T points out that if mommy can make me feel so bad then I am giving her a lot of control over me and I dont like that all. It is so weird I guess thinking that well things can be as simple as just wanting it enough. I wonder if I am making any sense at all right now.

Im tired of all the car stuff, it will be another couple weeks before things are final and well after tomorrow I am not even sure I will be able to work without a car. I told mommy earlier in the week that I couldnt afford the car any more and she gave me the money to keep it for a couple extra days (which makes me feel really guilty). I dont know what I will do about it anymore, but worrying isnt getting me anywhere, and I am guessing mommy will tell me what she has decided since she is going to be the one I borrow the car from for work if it ends up going that way. And that means I have to make sure to keep calm and level headed around her and not freak out. No babysitting really makes things a lot harder money wise, and this is another weekend of no babysitting and im going to be stuck at home, because I need to keep what little money I have for gas and getting to work. Am sad I had to cancel t for tomorrow, but had to and will have to just be ok with it, deal with it somehow. I am worried a little but not horribly since I am feeling ok and I know that I can make it to next tuesday if I have to. but then next week is the pdoc appt also and I would only be seeing t once next week anyway to help with the costs of the pdoc. everything involves money and i dont have any :( ..and to make next week even better, i have to do the driving school thing next week. $200 i dont have that i will have to use to cover the costs of that..so my next paycheck will not be going very far either..

i dont exist

is it possible to disappear? to just not be some place? to be surrounded by people and still not be seen?

the brother, the mom, and i were having dinner today. one of the few times we ever eat together at the table, at the same time. the phone rung and the mom was talking and the person on the phone asked what she was doing. the mom said that she was having dinner with her boy. i was sitting right next to her, i was talking to the brother before she picked up the phone. but at the same time it is as if i am not there, i cant be seen or heard or acknowledged because i am not important or for whatever reason. the brother pointed out that the mom did not mention me on the phone, i told him i didnt exist.

i want to cut..i have my razors on me..left the house with them..came back home and have yet to put them back..i want them and im not sure ill be talked out of it..but im sure linda will try..

because of all the car stuff going on i have to put therapy and the pdooc appointments on hold for a couple weeks..i cant afford the car and am really worried about what im going to do for work when i take back the rental this week..i cant keep the rental later than wed really..i could try for friday but that would leave me with absolutely no money at all and i dont get paid again until the end of next week..and next week i have to do the driving sschool which is a lot of money and cant be avoided at all..im behind again on everything and i did try so hard to make sure i would be able to catch up..but i cant..just cant make any of it work..and im afraid to lose the support of t right now but i dont have a choice..

i want to give up..quit trying to do anything at all..slightly suicidal right now..but i know i have to leave soon so all my thoughts are just centering on how stupid i am..unimportant, invisible, etc etc...pretty bad thoughts all morning..and it doesnt seem to be letting up at all..im tired of this..all of it..tired of things not working out..and i dont want to deal with anything else anymore..if i cant get to work ill lose my job and my job is not one where i can just be dropped off..so it will just be one more thing to add to the list of failures right now..

not important

im just not important enough for mommy to take time off from work to help me with the car stuff
its always been this way and i guess it always will. she will find the time to help anyone else, any of my brothers or sisters, she will leave work early or take time off or go in late to help them with stuff..and then i need her to do something for me or help me with something and everything else just has to come first.theres no time to help me..or she cant take the time off of work to help me..what did i do that was so wrong?

ive changed my mind

cover letters are the bane of my existence

resumes i can handle now..but ive been trying (obviously not very hard lol) to write a cover letter for an application for an hour and a half and im still no closer to getting it done now than i was when i started..its frustrating and being frustrated makes me want to quit trying...but i was doing so good..managed to finish 2 applications yesterday..one was online but did not need a cover letter..and one i have to mail in today..and then i was just looking around and found a couple i wanted to apply for but they are in va..and then this morning i was looking around again and found one in wilmington i would like to apply for but the stupid cover letter has me stuck and i cant send it without one..but i just dont know what to write in one..i dont get them i guess..really do consider them a waste of space but im guessing thats just me...been trying to figure out where i want to work..job type wise..and i know i can go to a department of social services..but i just dont want to..the more i think about it the more positive i am that i stayed out of the child welfare collaborative for a good reason..yes it means that it is harder to get a job within the dss..but its just something i am not ok with doing..it stinks that there are so many job openings for the a/t, foster care positions..and they pay really well of course..but its not for me..so im going in the other direction and looking into residential programs, counseling, case management type stuff..things i know i can handle and deal with and not freak out to badly..and so now i just have to keep an eye out for jobs i like and make sure i apply for them ..

insert a few bad words about cover letters and such..and now back to worrying about what to write

wow..completely and utterly..just wow

today of all random days i did what i have been putting off and afraid of for months..today with no distractions or demands from anyone i managed to finish updating and changing around my resume, i finished two job applications one online, and one to be mailed tomorrow..regardless of the outcome i managed it..i finished it..finished more than i thought i wold actually..and im proud of myself because i know i worked hard on it..and made myself finish it and not get distracted away from it..it took the better part of four hours to get it all finished but now it is..and its a huge weight off my shoulders. really shocked that i managed it. really am