im tired

for the second night in a row im so so tired..its only 9 and im ready to go to bed..im thinking about tomorrow and what i need to do tomorrow ..im a little worried about tomorrow but it will be ok i guess.

i saw linda today and it was ok..we talked about my weekend and how to help me feel better and handle the downtime at home better..which i dont think will ever happen but im going to have to try harder at it..-sigh- i hate it here but im stuck here..so i have to deal with being here for now..and that means dealing with it..somehow .. i want to believe what linda tells me but im not sure still..how can i not be sure? every day i come home and feel horrible or i talk to mommy on the phone or even just end up in the same room as her and get criticized or talked bout or picked on or something and it hurts..it always hurts..and i just still keep waiting..and i dont seem to really understand what happens..i notice it sometimes..more now than ever before but im still waiting..and maybe it is just harder because i am at home..because i am still dealing with it all every day and its harder to separate it..i wish i could just believe linda and everyone else..although the image i got from her today is still pretty funny about the balancing scales..and mommy vs everyone else..it makes sense seeing it like that..it really does..i even got distracted writing today and made a mini sketch of it in my journal..but maybe just knowing that its wrong and hurtful is enough to start with..tonight it was a little easier to let mommy just do her thing and kinda ignore her and not listen..but at the same time i was really tense when i figured out she was upstairs..i still wished to be any where else..the tension was in my shoulder and neck again because i was paying so much attention to listening and just waiting to see what was going to happen..so i dont know..maybe it will just get better in time..maybe im starting to see things differently and need to be a little more patient..i dont know

hmm i have a couple things to work on before seeing linda on friday..why is it so hard to tell her everything? :( i wanted to tell her what the bad thoughts were..i wanted to tell her all of them and instead of that i only told her a few..and now i want her to tell me the reasons why all of them are not true and not just the ones i told her about..because i told her that some of the bad thoughts were just that i was stupid, and that i couldnt do anything right, and that i was bad...but in addition to those i was thinking you know that i was worthless, that i deserved to die, that i was horrible and a waste of space..there are so many bad thoughts and i get so caught up in them but it is hard ..really hard to voice them to someone else..and it makes me sad..because then i just start thinking that im not trying or something..but umm im supposed to be making a list of things that i have done right ..and i think about it and i really do think that i worded it wrong but i cant figure out how i want to word it..because i cant think of anything that ive done right..maybe it should be things ive accomplished or something..and then i need to come up with some things to do on the weekend, to get me out of the house and away from mommy..and im still at a loss for both of those right now..no idea what to write or say about them..and i know trying to do it tonight isnt a good idea since all these things are rolling around in my head.and that it may be easier tomorrow or the next day to think about it and really put some effort into it..and who knows maybe one of these days i will get around to believing that im not bad or stupid or any of that stuff..i want to believe it..i do

and linda is going to call the pdoc place and ask about why i didnt get in for an appt..so im guessing she will fill me in on that on friday

so now im thinking about a lot of different things as usual..trying to figure out what i like to do..i dont know anymore..considering trying out watercolors..i feel like drawing actually and that is surprising since i am well not a great drawer..but i miss painting a lot right now and i want to paint and cant..so i just need to figure out some way to get the pictures out of my head..i dont know how to talk about them and i cant afford to lose any more words lol..seriously

well i guess im done rambling for the night..

"I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure--which is: Try to please everybody." - Herbert Bayard Swope

today..thoughts on the hospital

my head has been hurting all day today... i think im just feeling a little sick and didnt sleep well last night..i keep having dreams about abandoning a baby..its the second time ive had a dream like this that i remember..last night i seriously left the baby on the side of the road and just walked away..even thinking about it makes me feel horrible..beyond horrible..and its hard..last time it was just leaving the house and not knowing with whom i left the baby with..this time i completely just walked away and left her all alone..and i wouldnt let myself go back and when i did go back to check she was gone..and then i didnt know what happened and that made the dream seen 10x worse..i dont know how i come up with some of this stuff..but that really didnt help my mood at all upon waking up this morning..i wasnt ok in the slightest..but as usual i got up eventually and made it to work and did what i was supposed to do..and it makes me so mad that i cant just have my breakdown and actually breakdown..no i have to keep doing stuff and turning things in and calling my therapist..i did call linda this morning..it took a little while but i did it..and she actually picked up and that scared me a little since i was working myself up to leaving a message..but then i had to talk to her..and told her that i wasnt ok and we had our usual suicide is not the answer type chats..and she gave me ideas for staying busy tonight and tomorrow until i see her..and that was fine..it gave me time to focus a bit..clear my head a little in talking to her..but then she mentioned that the hospital was always an option and of course the refusal was almost instantaneous ..i was so mad that she even voiced that one to me..and i told her no and that it just wasnt an option and that i refused to go..and she said ok..she let me know that she would prefer it was my choice to go to the hospital..but that if she had to she would put me in the hospital..and i know that is always an underlying issue..i know that its her job to keep me safe if she knows im planning something..but i really would never ever talk to her again if she forced me into the hospital..i would never forgive her for that..so she let the issue drop..and things were ok again..but then me and my lovely head just seemed to latch on to the idea of the hospital later on..and wondering if maybe it was a good idea to just go and try and get a break from things in a safe place without having to worry about anything that stresses me out..get me away from home, etc..there are a lot of reasons it wouldnt work..like not being able to afford it, and having to possibly tell mommy, and missing work, and just my life stopping for a while you know..that is not ok..but then the cons would be being in a safe place, having constant support, getting a break from things, learning new coping skills, getting more support in place for outside of the hospital..there are just as many on either side..and its hard to decide which is the right way to go..if i cant keep a hold on the suicidal thoughts with lindas help then maybe she is right to mention the hospital as an alternative..because if she cant help then i dont have anyone else who is close enough to me to help..and then i would most likely end up in the hospital anyway for trying to kill myself and where would that get me? i want to die and then i dont want to die..i want to go away and just have a break you know..a real break..but just stopping everything for a few days in the hospital may not be the way to get a break..maybe it is the next step..maybe the hospital for a few days would help get me leveled out a bit and more able to deal with the daily stuff of being at home until i moved and everything..right now its easy to take off a week from work..but i dont know how long i would be expected to stay in the hospital if i went that route..i would want to plan it and figure it all out before agreeing to do it..i would need to plan it out or else i wont agree to it..its odd that a part of me really wants to say ok ill go..just screw everything and go to the hospital..the more rational side disagrees and refuses to just stop everything for a stay in the hospital..i dont know what i want to do..i know that i am being more and more unsafe with myself and that its just getting worse..if i told linda the truth and let her know honestly how often i was suicidal i would have been put in the hospital a long time ago..i really want to stay out of the hospital..i will still refuse to go..but its just part of me wonders if maybe it will be better to go and get help in a stable place now..and see what happens over being forced into it because i cant think about anything but killing myself anymore..

i havent figured out anything

there will never be a way to get all of the pain and hurt out..there just arent enough words in the world for that..it takes all of my control not to react.not to just go and hurt myself to feel better, to stop the desire to cry, to block out all the thoughts and hurt from myself..cant get it out of my head.. i just want it to stop

thinking

im about to fall asleep ..but i cant because im babysitting and im supposed to be awake and well awake ..but its almost midnight and ive been up and yeah im starting to just want to complain about why im so tired..

today has been interesting..well t was interesting..we talked about moving and jobs and what i need to do in order to move..and ive decided that if the option came with my sister then i would consider it but waiting till then to make a decision would not be a good idea for me..last minute rushing leads to a break down pretty fast..and it would be best to avoid that..but it was easier than usual today to talk to her..i tried harder..but then the conversation went back to eye contact and it was hard but thankfully we were ending and i couldnt stay lol..but she said we would talk about it more later..and she was telling me you know some of the reasons she thought it was so hard for me..and something about it is bothering..something i am trying so hard to remember and it keeps slipping away from me..something that is so close to being discovered in a way and i cant get ahold of it..i dont know what it is im trying to remember right now..but something is on my mind and maybe once i sleep a bit it will be a little bit clearer..i dont know

hmmm

maybe things will be ok i guess..i dont know..made it through yesterday with no major upsets but then it could still all fall apart really quickly..im hoping its over and done with..im hoping it will be ok..im just hoping that nothing else happens..

have been thinking alot about things ...putting a lot of stuff into perspective in a way i guess..because it really does seem like life and everything involved is just passing me by and im missing it because im so caught up in a million different things..someone asked me the other day ..well mentioned that maybe i was doing to much, trying to do things for everyone else..and i thought about it and really had to wonder why it never really occurred to me before..how could i have missed the most obvious of things you know..i never really think about slowing down.i think about doing more..i need to do more, i need to help everyone..and i do have time alone but even then some times its just spent waiting to be needed by someone..waiting to need to do something else and i dont really always use the time to do things for me..maybe backing off of things a bit is a good idea..but i dont know how because i look at everything i do and its all important..it all seems important i guess...but maybe not being at the beck and call of everyone will be a good thing..getting a job and moving and just worrying about myself and my job..and it does make me feel selfish in a way..but if im completely worn out from helping everyone else then i wouldnt be much help in the end..its all so confusing in some ways...

maybe i will plan a little trip or something at the end of the summer...maybe sooner than that..i cant decide..but i know a trip somewhere would be nice..and im not even sure i want to do anything with anyone else.i just want to get away for a few days..i would have considered going up to see yvonne for her birthday but then the no car thing gets in the way of that and its pretty last minute now..and then if i went up there it would be staying in a hotel again..and thats more money..theres someone i consider a friend who lives in georgia that has asked if we could meet and hang out and im considering it..if i went that direction i could stop and see stephanie cas she is pregnant and i am happy for her..gosh it seems like forever since i lived with her lol..good grief we watched pbs every morning before classes..in college no less barney and reading rainbow and all of those shows..yeah it has been a long time since ive seen her..so i dont kow yet what i want to do..but just thinking..cas i know ill need money to get away for any amount of time...and maybe ill just go back to the outerbanks for a few days..maybe i can drive it without getting lost this time lol..that would be a good thing..but the summer rates are so high for the outerbanks ..essh..everything costs money and thats exactly what i dont have right now..

but i found a job that i want to apply for..a couple hours away from here..going to mail it out today..and then theres one i think ill work on this weekend and see about sending that one it also..

rob is going to cali this weekend..and he will be gone for a month..and then he comes back and it looks like he really will have to go overseas around aug or so..mommy wants nia to move home, and nia is pretty sure she isnt going to do that at all..and i dont blame her..mommy expects her to move home..and i hope nia doesnt cave and come back..it would be good in some ways but not good in a lot of others and the good really dont outweigh the bad..

lots of things just going on...

oh the pdoc i most likely wont be seeing today because its to last minute with them and rescheduling...ive called twice this week to find out what time i was given and they are still working on the schedule and the appointment was supposed to be today..and i cant just leave work at the drop of a hat to go to an appt..therapy is different because i know the time well in advance and i know how to work around when i need to leave..so im guessing it will just have to be rescheduled..no biggie..i will get there eventually..and not spending the 90 bucks to see the doc will be a good thing this week..cant really afford it anyway and so waiting will be fine..

and then im hoping all the car stuff will be taken care of in this upcoming week..i had to rent another car yesterday and it was more expensive..more money gone..another paycheck totally wiped out by getting a rental..and now i really am not keeping up with bills and its frustrating big time.. but im babysitting this weekend at least and im hoping that will take care of some of the money issues for another week at least..i live week to week..not even paycheck to paycheck anymore..it sucks

big big mistake

things are well not all that great...i made a really really bad choice and now i could be in a whole lot of trouble and i dont know how to make it right now .. am sorry it all happened now and it was an accident you know but still i made the choice to lie about what happened instead of telling the truth because i was scared..and now if it comes back to me lying i will be in a lot more trouble..and its all just waiting and seeing what happens right now..eventually im guessing the truth will come out and ill have to live with the consequences ..but still its really hard and feeling miserable big time about it

this morning kinda did not get off to a good start ..i was stupid and forgot to take the bandaids off before going downstairs this morning..she demanded to see, as if i was lying about them being bug bites and proceeded to tell me i needed to stop doing that to myself..and so i just walked away and didnt really say anything..im not dumb enough to actually cut my ankles again..to hot for that because of wearing shorter pants and things..but yeah just went and did something else for a while..until got distracted on something else...

going to be taking the rental back on monday and getting all that taken care of i hope without having to be overdrawn but i think by the end of it i will be and then ill just be using mommys car until thursday when ill have the money to get another rental car and hopefully i wont have to keep it as long...its crazy ive spent over $2000 on the rental ..and then mommy doesnt get it when i say i dont have money... but im trying to be nice and not flip out around her because she is letting me use her car for a few days..and i know ill just have to make sure to help with gas money and thats a little more manageable..

but now im not at home..i came to the kids i babysit house to look after the dog and just hang out for a bit..and will be going home later on..no point in going home to do nothing..i can do nothing here and its a lot quieter..im trying hard not to complain at home because now with the younger brother home, and the older brother in and out a bit more..i keep getting stuck with cleaning up everything upstairs where all r bedrooms are..and its like well if we are all so called adults then there is no reason they cant clean the bathroom..but still it falls on me..to clean everything upstairs..and they get to go and do whatever..but its always like that so makes to sense to expect it to be different now..but still its upsets me a lot and its a waste to even bring it up anymore because then the conversation turns into how selfish i am..and how i dont help out enough..and trying to avoid that :(

hmmm

its friday night..im at home..and suddenly incredibly incredibly bored ..and no money to do anything and dont want to waste the gas and go anywhere until tomorrow..essh

but today has been pretty quiet...just trying not to worry about money because i just cant do anything about that and ill have to deal with an overdrawn acct if it comes to that..tomorrow i get to tackle the massive amounts of laundry i have been putting off and that gets me out of the house for most of the day! that is a good good thing :) ..maybe will go and buy a new book..and i cant believe i just wrote that but we went to the bookstore today and that was a big big biggggggggggggg mistake lol...but i went and worked with the baby today and he was so funny ...the first 15 mins i was there he cried and wanted his grandmother..but then he figured out i was the one with the toys and he came and played with me..and then when it was time to go and i had folded up the mat we use..he goes and takes the mat back down..unfolds it..and sits on it and looks at me :) as if i was supposed to be staying longer and he forgot im assuming that it took forever to get him to sit on the mat in the first place! (its been a couple weeks since ive actually worked with him)..but he is a cute cute kid :) and he did all this and the kid is only 1! and then went and saw my other person and it was ok with her too...got really sad around the time to see t but doing ok with that..wanting to talk to her as always ..but will have to wait until next week..essh..and then i got a message from my friend saying that she was trying to come and visit me for a couple days..sunday and monday and i told her to let me know..it would be awesome if she came

just the usual

I have been thinking a lot about this week and everything that has happened and how today I have felt ok regardless of everything going on. Im trying so hard to let things go, to just believe the people I know and trust and not pay as much attention to what mommy tells me. I have been reading all the messages to some of my posts in other places and it makes me wonder why I want to believe mommy so much and ignore everyone else. That makes no sense to me at all, why disagree with the responses I want to hear and keep and believe. I know it makes it harder because I am at home and it is so much easier to get caught up thinking mommy is right when she isnt. It makes me sad really, all of it but I know or Im trying to know that it I am capable of thinking for myself and that I can think what ever I want, but I just need to get control back from her. T points out that if mommy can make me feel so bad then I am giving her a lot of control over me and I dont like that all. It is so weird I guess thinking that well things can be as simple as just wanting it enough. I wonder if I am making any sense at all right now.

Im tired of all the car stuff, it will be another couple weeks before things are final and well after tomorrow I am not even sure I will be able to work without a car. I told mommy earlier in the week that I couldnt afford the car any more and she gave me the money to keep it for a couple extra days (which makes me feel really guilty). I dont know what I will do about it anymore, but worrying isnt getting me anywhere, and I am guessing mommy will tell me what she has decided since she is going to be the one I borrow the car from for work if it ends up going that way. And that means I have to make sure to keep calm and level headed around her and not freak out. No babysitting really makes things a lot harder money wise, and this is another weekend of no babysitting and im going to be stuck at home, because I need to keep what little money I have for gas and getting to work. Am sad I had to cancel t for tomorrow, but had to and will have to just be ok with it, deal with it somehow. I am worried a little but not horribly since I am feeling ok and I know that I can make it to next tuesday if I have to. but then next week is the pdoc appt also and I would only be seeing t once next week anyway to help with the costs of the pdoc. everything involves money and i dont have any :( ..and to make next week even better, i have to do the driving school thing next week. $200 i dont have that i will have to use to cover the costs of that..so my next paycheck will not be going very far either..

i dont exist

is it possible to disappear? to just not be some place? to be surrounded by people and still not be seen?

the brother, the mom, and i were having dinner today. one of the few times we ever eat together at the table, at the same time. the phone rung and the mom was talking and the person on the phone asked what she was doing. the mom said that she was having dinner with her boy. i was sitting right next to her, i was talking to the brother before she picked up the phone. but at the same time it is as if i am not there, i cant be seen or heard or acknowledged because i am not important or for whatever reason. the brother pointed out that the mom did not mention me on the phone, i told him i didnt exist.

i want to cut..i have my razors on me..left the house with them..came back home and have yet to put them back..i want them and im not sure ill be talked out of it..but im sure linda will try..

because of all the car stuff going on i have to put therapy and the pdooc appointments on hold for a couple weeks..i cant afford the car and am really worried about what im going to do for work when i take back the rental this week..i cant keep the rental later than wed really..i could try for friday but that would leave me with absolutely no money at all and i dont get paid again until the end of next week..and next week i have to do the driving sschool which is a lot of money and cant be avoided at all..im behind again on everything and i did try so hard to make sure i would be able to catch up..but i cant..just cant make any of it work..and im afraid to lose the support of t right now but i dont have a choice..

i want to give up..quit trying to do anything at all..slightly suicidal right now..but i know i have to leave soon so all my thoughts are just centering on how stupid i am..unimportant, invisible, etc etc...pretty bad thoughts all morning..and it doesnt seem to be letting up at all..im tired of this..all of it..tired of things not working out..and i dont want to deal with anything else anymore..if i cant get to work ill lose my job and my job is not one where i can just be dropped off..so it will just be one more thing to add to the list of failures right now..

not important

im just not important enough for mommy to take time off from work to help me with the car stuff
its always been this way and i guess it always will. she will find the time to help anyone else, any of my brothers or sisters, she will leave work early or take time off or go in late to help them with stuff..and then i need her to do something for me or help me with something and everything else just has to come first.theres no time to help me..or she cant take the time off of work to help me..what did i do that was so wrong?

ive changed my mind

cover letters are the bane of my existence

resumes i can handle now..but ive been trying (obviously not very hard lol) to write a cover letter for an application for an hour and a half and im still no closer to getting it done now than i was when i started..its frustrating and being frustrated makes me want to quit trying...but i was doing so good..managed to finish 2 applications yesterday..one was online but did not need a cover letter..and one i have to mail in today..and then i was just looking around and found a couple i wanted to apply for but they are in va..and then this morning i was looking around again and found one in wilmington i would like to apply for but the stupid cover letter has me stuck and i cant send it without one..but i just dont know what to write in one..i dont get them i guess..really do consider them a waste of space but im guessing thats just me...been trying to figure out where i want to work..job type wise..and i know i can go to a department of social services..but i just dont want to..the more i think about it the more positive i am that i stayed out of the child welfare collaborative for a good reason..yes it means that it is harder to get a job within the dss..but its just something i am not ok with doing..it stinks that there are so many job openings for the a/t, foster care positions..and they pay really well of course..but its not for me..so im going in the other direction and looking into residential programs, counseling, case management type stuff..things i know i can handle and deal with and not freak out to badly..and so now i just have to keep an eye out for jobs i like and make sure i apply for them ..

insert a few bad words about cover letters and such..and now back to worrying about what to write

wow..completely and utterly..just wow

today of all random days i did what i have been putting off and afraid of for months..today with no distractions or demands from anyone i managed to finish updating and changing around my resume, i finished two job applications one online, and one to be mailed tomorrow..regardless of the outcome i managed it..i finished it..finished more than i thought i wold actually..and im proud of myself because i know i worked hard on it..and made myself finish it and not get distracted away from it..it took the better part of four hours to get it all finished but now it is..and its a huge weight off my shoulders. really shocked that i managed it. really am

a lot of thinking..choices to be made

i can safely say i will not be awake half the night tonight, im tired, really tired ..but i did wake up with a much clearer head today..looking a bit more forward to the future slightly..realizing that i have a choice in a lot of things and i dont have to do things i dont like or dont want to do..how has it been this long before i even begin to realize that i can say no to something and it is not the end of the world. but its ok..better late than never right.

actually working on a couple of job applications today. things cant change right..if i dont take the steps to make them change...there is a big big worry that well the thoughts will get bad enough staying at home that suicide will just keep looking better and better..so really needing to just do something about that..and if i know already that the job i have now doesnt pay enough to make that change possible then i have to look at other options..as scary as that is..but the worry and stress about money and being at home and two of the biggest issues right now and its just getting worse and the stress keeps my thoughts in a really negative cycle (wow did i actually just write that ) but when i was freaking out about it last week you know i just had to tell myself to stop it and calm down and think for a minute..i tend to ignore logic when im panicking big time..and it was like ok you know this is really easy to fix if you can stay calm and just focus a little bit..and the thoughts were right and made sense you know..obviously the money issue is the easiest thing to fix..and all it means is getting another job..hopefully one close enough to keep the t i have now..but if not then that will have to be dealt with later on..but for now its like ok what do you need to do type thinking..and i let it go all week and just didnt bother or think about it really and then today comes along and its like..ok time to work on those applications..sending them in is a step in the right direction..and if anything comes from it then that will be a good thing..(yes i am incredibly lucid today lol.its been a while )

today

feeling really sad and tired right now..maybe a nap will help but i dont think it will.

made it through the appt today

made it through the appt today. really didnt think i was going to go at all..until i actually made myself get out of the car and go inside and then i knew i would go through with it..talked to the nurse first and then to the other lady that my t had talked to..and i managed to answer all her questions..there were some i didnt want to answer and it took me a little while to get words out..but in the end i managed i think..worked very hard to not drift away..because then i wouldnt have been able to answer so well..didnt look at her or the nurse though :bag was way way to scared to do that and manage to keep talking at the same time..but managed and it didnt kill me although i was pretty positive that it would..and now im so tired..drained really..the stress of keeping myself together and being worried about going to see the lady today..and all the other weekly worries really threw me off this week..i have an appt to see the actual pdoc but its not until the 22nd..so i guess i have time to prepare a bit more..

having major space and no touching issues..and i really think it is because i am wanting a lot a lot and the only way to deal with it is to make sure there is absolutely no touching or anything..again back to the wanting comfort from all the scary thoughts/things this week.. its just really hard having to do all of this alone irl..and so i have all this extra stress and fears and general upset going on and cant say anything at all about it.. it is really tiring and wears on me..a lot

what does it feel like to not be suicidal ?

i realized today that i have no idea what that feels like :( after the lady i was talking to asked me about it..

i dont know what im doing

i will try to write this and stay completely focused.but im not sure ill be able too..

im tired..and it makes me mad that when i say im tired at work with one family, im asked what i have to be tired about..im sorry but for the few hours im with them twice aweek does not show anything at all about my schedule..if i say im tired then im tired..thats it..im not looking for a way to not be tired i was juts stating what i was feeling at the time..but anyway..tomorrow is the intake for the pdoc and im nervous...scared about it..worried really..and im trying to stay calm and not think about it..if i think about it the anxiety will get the best of me and i may not make it to the appt tommorrow without cutting or something..i keep thinking that tomorrow is the day ill be around the pills i took before and i want one..good grief i want one..but i wont take it because i dont know what it will do and i cant fall asleep while im driving or do something else that ends badly..that would be pretty stupid..but really i just want to the numb oblivion..i dont want to think about it at all..i dont want to even realize i have to go..but i know when the time comes i will show up because thats what i do..i would feel more guilty canceling or not showing..i know its something i have to try..and im trying to be ok with that..im feeling craizer than usual today..and i know tomorrow i will just be really off until i get there..the waiting and watching the clock is going to be really hard.. :( i dont know how to make myself feel better at all about going even if i know that it is something that could be a good thing..im afraid i will try to kill myself one of these days and if it can be prevented then that is a good thing..

and well nia is telling me that rob is most likely going to be going overseas and im sorry for her..sad for her ..because without rob she is stuck..and so i can see why she asked if i would consider moving in with her..or moving somewhere with her..but she isnt being as flexible as she could be..i asked her about moving to wilmington instead of wilson and she pretty much said no..and im not sure i want to be that far away from my therapist right now..i really dont..but im trying to stay open minded about it..because moving in with her really is a way out..without spending a lot of money..it would mean changing jobs..starting somewhere new..but not being alone either..but i dont think its fair either that she is so set on where she wants to go and i dont have that same option..im applying for a different job here and if i get it then i guess im not moving with her..but at the same time i told her i would keep my options open and still look for jobs in the area where she wants to go..because there are benefits to being up there and it is a bit cheaper to live of there and i would be closer to ecu again and my teachers there..

with everything that is going on the need to find a better paying job is being more and more of something that has to be done..ive tried so hard to make it work and its just not .. the more i try the more it seems that i come up with more bills..i need more money..its something..its always something else.and without babysitting i wouldnt have made it for as long as i have..and i will miss my ppl i work with..ill miss my job..but i just cant keep it for much longer and expect to keep things going..and so i have to really think about what i want right now..i have to figure out what im trying to do..because now that im adding on psychiatrist services and having to pay for those the lack of insurance is a big freaking neon sign right now..the fact that i have to pay out of pocket means that i cant see the doctor that i want to see..and would prefer to see..and its one of those issues where insurance would have just made it so much easier you know..im sorry but i dont have $200 just laying around waiting to be used for something..and then i have to go to driving school and pay court cost in a couple weeks and thats another chunk of money that i cant really afford to lose but i have no choice..im still stuck paying for the rental and its like thats all im working for right now..is covering the rental and letting all my other bills slip..theres just no way any of it is working right now and it makes me sad..and anxious..and nervous..and im trying..im working..im doing what im supposed to do and its still not enough..and i try you know..because of babysitting i cant take another part time job because babysitting really counts as a part time job and i do make enough so that its worth it..but even that isnt enough some weeks..i live week to week..day to day..wondering what can be put off or not paid for a little bit longer..and insurance and car payments and everything else i have to pay..all of it is weighing on me big time right now..and i dont know how to make any of it better..im tired of trying to really..when i freaked out about it all on monday or tuesday..i had to remind myself that money was probably one of the easiest problems to fix..if i could just focus enough to try to find another job..one with benefits..one that paid a steady salary..cas right this minute my paychecks really are a wait and see type thing..i know my hours..and each week they are different.my paychecks are a surprise each and every time i get paid..and that is probably not a good thing you know..each time its like playing a very careful game of figuring out how to pay bills and stay afloat just a little bit longer..but this is one thing that i can fix..or work on fixing..and it scares me..it really does..but the stress of not knowing and not being able to afford anything is worse..it really is.. :(

another weekend gone

things are hard...very hard right now..and im tired of everyone and just wanting to quit and stop doing anything..the weekend hasnt been to bad though, babysat a bit..hung out with nia and rob..did laundry..messed around with putting music on my ipod..cleaned..yeah that was the extent of my thrilling weekend i know..and tomorrow i really do need to get up and go to work on time..and i have to run a few errands before work..and i hope i stay focused tomorrow morning

.....

i have an intake appt next week to see the psychiatrist..linda called today to help me set it up..and so now at least the intake is set up..and i told her i would show up..but im not sure about the talking at all..but i know meds wont work if i dont tell them whats wrong..but im not sure i can.

im incredibly scared about it...should i freak out now or later? *sigh*

now though i know all of what ive been officially dx'ed with i guess and its weird..it was weird having linda talking about me even though i was sitting right in front of her and had given her permission..it makes me feel crazy to have to see the psychiatrist and the possibility of meds is scary..when i have so much trouble taking pills correctly..and im just worried i guess..scared to go alone..

not really sure lately

empty..i keep trying to figure out something to write, anything at all..and i cant get words for any of my thoughts..im really hoping i will be going to therapy today..and at the same time i dont want to go either..i remind myself that its ok to be in therapy and its ok to need help and its not the end of the world..the fear about it still creeps up on me at times..and then i still want it anyway..my head confuses me ..

trouble connecting to anything right now ..look at all of my stuff and wonder if its mine or why i bought it..i dont like any of it..

going to see nia and rob tonight im told..or i was told last night..mommy mentioned it to me last night to let me know i was going..and i asked her why..i still have no interest in going but it looks like i am..i dont want to go or be social or do anything..i want to stay home

i couldnt throw the razors away..tried..and couldnt get myself to let them go..how completely messed up is that one..

im still upset with my cl that i saw yesterday..it took every ounce of control i had to stop myself from just yelling at her..and im sorry but she just went way to far with her personal hygiene issues and its just gross and nasty now and i told her so..and she is going to get sick if she keeps it up..and shes just not getting it..and im not there to tell her every day to go and shower or change her underwear or any of that stuff..i only get to see her twice..and im sorry but at 22 she should be quite capable of making sure she is being clean when it comes to her period and what not..and she isnt and its just all around frustrating..

and i guess i should start trying to get myself together enough to make it to work..may leave early..i dont know..would think i need to ground myself a bit but i dont know how

hmmm

am feeling rather lost right now..was the same way yesterday for a while when i went to the store..just wandered around for a while because i didnt know what i was looking for or what i wanted..im sure when linda mentioned me not knowing what i wanted she didnt mean that..but i dont know..sad..worried..the usual..

dusti is having some issues and not using her litter box and its pissing mommy off and im waiting for her to tell me that dusti has to leave..but for now or well after today she is going to be exiled upstairs and not allowed downstairs anymore..which is better than mommy telling me that she has to be locked in my room..but i dont know what to do about it..i dont like that she has to be locked anywhere..and i know my options are pretty limited with it being home and well mommys house..and if she says dusti has to leave then i dont think there will be any way to get out of that..and i dont want her to go to the pound or anything like that..so i dont know for right now..im not sure i could manage at home without dusti..

still stuck with the rental

therapy yesterday ..ive been thinking a lot about...trying to come to some decision..any decision..and i need to work on not saying i dont know so much..but also i know linda is right in a lot of ways..the not talking and not looking at ppl will not do anything but make me more nervous with having a different job and being able to function like a normal person..i look at the jobs and stuff online for my state and there are some i want to apply for but at the same time i know im not ready..i cant deal with it..and i know ive thought of all of this before but now i guess im actually thinking about telling linda..shes right in that i participate as little as possible..even though to me it feels like im doing everything i can..but im not when i think about it..i think ive just started to like hearing her talk..and i know that if im quiet long enough she will ask a question or make some observation and then i get to listen..but its supposed to be about me..and i look at trying to fill the hour with stuff about me and it is overwhelming..but at the same time it is completely possible..i always have stuff in my head that i need/want to talk about.and its just getting stuck..and unfortunately..i wont be staying here forever..crap just thinking about being here for another year makes me queasy..but for now i think thats how it is just going to have to be..and i think ill be telling myself this a million times over the next few months..when things are hard and what not..i want to feel better..be better..be okay and believe it..i dont want to be working on all of this still years from now..i know it will take a while.but if i have any hope at all of growing up i suppose then i have to work on stuff now..while i have the chance..and the time..and it scares me..actually trying..harder than i am now anyway..talking..looking at her...and its interesting in that i think looking at her and talking to her will be the hardest thing out of all of it..fight my instinct of looking down and away and not saying what im thinking..

i realize that i dont know what to call any of it..so i guess im not accepting it either ..maybe thats the first step..accept it..give it a name..all of it..thinking in my head isnt getting me anything at all..but i dont think ive ever said it out loud either..

but the other part that is bothering me in a way..well not bothering really its more of just stuck in my head..is that all of it..a lot of what im struggling with is in the past..its already happened..it cant happen again...its not happening now..and it is incredibly straight forward..but you would think this was the first time i heard it..linda said it to me yesterday and it did get me to stop and think...and wonder how it is i never realized that..suddenly its a big deal kinda..and im not sure what to do with it..it is in the past..and its super hard talking about it..but its not going to start all over tomorrow..and it something was going on now then it would be my choice to leave..or stay..not anyone elses..and the issue with the whole trying meds thing..its my choice to do it or not..not mommys and i have to fight myself to not say anything to her about it...i think i just want to be comforted in all the mixed up feelings of not knowing what to do..but i also know that telling mommy would not in any way bring any type of comfort...she would make it worse..and i dont want to have to deal with that on top of everything else..im not doing anything wrong, im not lying..its just not her business or concern..its not about her..its about me and what i want..and i need to keep telling myself that until i believe it..

i guess ive just worried and worried and worried so much that im all done worrying ..about all of it..and i say that today and i know that tomorrow it will be something different..today i woke up thinking about the whole med thing with linda again and wondering what i want to do about it..she says that meds may help with the anxiety and depression and maybe make it easier for me to talk if those arent getting in the way as much..and that part of it i had never really considered..im normally completely against meds because just having them around is not a good thing but then linda already knows that too and i guess it can be worked around..seriously though seeing the pdoc is super expensive..and then trying to afford meds and what not..not good but i at least told linda she could ask the pdoc how much it would be to see her and what the sliding scale would be..and then we could go from there..if it can be worked out then ill consider it.linda said it if the pdoc was a possibility then i could go back to seeing her once a week to put money towards seeing the other lady for a while..and then linda can just help with monitoring the meds and stuff since she sees me ever week..and then i wont have to see the pdoc as often..but im nervous about seeing the other doc and having to do it by myself and talk to her..and im assuming ..or maybe im just hoping linda will talk to her and tell her before hand that i dont talk and wont look at her...but even if she does the nervousness will still be there..wonder if linda would go to the appt with me..but still i have to wait until tomorrow to find out more about that..and then i was thinking last night that i wanted linda to go to the appt with me but i know if she did i would want her to do all the talking and she cant..i have to talk still..and i have to talk..ive done it before but its just always so hard..and i keep thinking i have to stay in control..i have to do all this stuff..i have to stand up for myself and get what i need and stop being so scared..and i dont know if i can..she also mentioned that the meds may help with my focus and staying on task and stuff

like not telling linda what had me so upset the other week...i have to tell her and i was so close and then backed out of it yet again..i should tell her, i want to tell her, but i get scared and dont say anything..and its the same thing..linda is right..we get to a certain place again and again with talking and then i just stop completely and refuse to say anything else..i cant say anything else..and i cant even explain why i cant..it just makes me frustrated and upset that i cant do it..its not fair..i want to talk and i cant..now i want to talk and cant ..

feeling quiet

well i gave in and went and bought a small fan..its just way to hot in my room since i had to switch rooms and lost the ceiling fan..and even mommy has stopped complaining about me having the window open..its was in the 80s today and in the house the heat just gets stuck upstairs and so i was suffering big big time..and it is miserable and makes me really cranky being in the house when its so very hot..so now i have a small fan for the window and it feels so so soooo much better..aat least i wont melt into a puddle anytime soon.

something has made me break out big time..and i hate it..im not sure if its just the heat and its a rash or if its something ive been using on my face..or i dont know..so im hoping it goes away..and since its only on one side of my face im assuming ive just touched or laid on something and had a reaction or something..so i got some different face stuff for sensitive skin and a milder lotion to see if that helps any..

ended up going to babysit for a bit..and getting out of the house was good..a break..able to regroup and just chill out for a bit away from mommy..so am feeling a lot calmer now..and sleepy but thats just because its so late..

..sigh...

ive calmed down...no im not going to do anything drastic..have loads to think about from therapy today..but ill have to write more about that later on...still thinking big time about parts of today..

what am i going to do

somehow i need more money than im making..and now a random credit that i had years ago and never used because mmommy had it is suddenly calling and telling me i need to come up with a lot of money i dont have..and even letting them break it up into monthly payments has me freaked out..because i dont know how im going to get the money at all on top of everything else..and i cant ask mommy for the money because i know she doesnt have it..but im all wiped out completely..and where am i going to find an extra $300 a month..but i dont want this hanging over my head either for another 10 years ..i was under the impression that mommy had taken care of it already but that was wrong..and so now i wonder why my credit sucks and its because i let her talk me into getting all these credit cards and then she uses them.and then the balances are never paid off and so they just keep getting higher and higher and higher and now im looking at a huge balance and no way to pay it ..and no money..and i started thinking..about how ill make the extra money..and you know what has to be stopped for now..and i cant keep therapy anymore..i tried and tried and worked so hard to make sure i had the money to pay for therapy and i cant do it anymore now ..its like everything possible that can be canceled or let go has to be for now anyway ..because im not working enough to cover everything..and i still have the rental..and am waiting out the car stuff..and now i have court costs from today and driving school..and reg bills..and school loans and everything is piling up big time..and im trying and i guess im just not doing a good enough job keeping up with everything..i dont know how im going to manage at all..and its like suddenly things are back to where they were before..last year about this time when i lost a whole bunch of hours all at once..well this time i have the hours mostly but its just not enough..because if i add in all i use in gas and food money..its just too much..and i tried for so long and its all over with now..
and im not sure ill be ok at all..but it doesnt really matter..because somehow i guess ill manage..except managing by myself is not the same as managing with therapy..and since i got razors today..i guess it will just turn into a count down of sorts..see how long i can manage..how long it will take before i just dont care anymore
what else can even happen today?! im at my limit..beyond my limit for what i can safely handle..and now its all overwhelming and stressful and scary..and to make not having therapy in weeks even better..i get to go and see her today after forever and tell her that i cant come anymore..great..just great

tonight im just wondering ..wondering about what im doing and not doing..what i want to do..jobs and grad school and all of that..suddenly i dont want to go to grad school anymore..not now..suddenly im looking at and thinking about the year ahead of me at home and dreading it with every fiber of my being..after today....i wonder how much longer i can stick it out before giving up..because im not sure ill last much longer..without something changing..more and more lately i want my razors..i want to go to the store and buy some..and have them..i want to go and take pills from my sister because i learned that she has some good pain meds..that i of course dont need..i went to a substance abuse class the other night and it was interesting..learned some new things..got creeped out by the extremes ppl go through just for a high..and wonder if cutting served the same purposes..im tired of all the stress and worrying and not knowing what is going on..

you hide and hide and hide until you can no longer find yourself..thats what i was thinking tonight..

i dont know why though..just thoughts floating around in my head..jealously is really bigg right now..wanting what other ppl have and just set on wanting more..on wanting to be like everyone else..but how can i be like everyone else without being able to manage more than a few days at a time without feeling so very bad..heck some weeks im lucky to get two days together where i feel ok..more often than not im working with hourly changes in moods/thoughts/actions..

ive been thinking a lot lately about how im not telling linda the complete truth about a lot of things..simple things that she could help with..like focus and attention..and staying present..all things i have been having such trouble with lately..

i just want to leave..but again..no place i really want to go..

i shouldnt have come home

but where else do i have to go?

Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up.

just frustrated

i lost the info i needed for court this friday..and now i actually have to go to court because i couldnt get the info in ahead of time..i cant get another copy until tomorrow morning and by then it will be to late..and im so frustrated because i know i got the letter..i remember telling myself that i needed to put it away and not lose it..and what do i do??! lose the stupid thing and now i really do have to go to court and i dont want to do that either ...and i just feel stupid because i knew i needed it..i knew i needed to keep track of it..and still i manage to lose all of it..i h ave looked and looked through all of my mail and normally im really good about just putting it all together and leaving it..but for some reason that one letter i just cant find and its annoying me so much... and it just makes me want to scream..

im frustrated because there was no therapy today
because its hot and im cranky
i freaking hate spring and summer because its to hot
still no car and that is just adding on to all the frustrated feelings and now im thinking i wont even be able to get another car and then i will be stuck..and so no job for me fun..heck that will cut my bills in half ..but its yeah all of it is frustrating and im tired and my eye is hurting a lot and i dont know whats wrong with it this time..and everything seems to happen now..stupid stupid so very stupid for getting into that accident..everything is incredibly messed up right now..

wow

ive been uber depressing lately..i should do something about that..

but it wont be today

well

i guess ive officially started to study for the GRE...its funny cas before i mentioned it to linda i was dead set on not taking it and wanting to get out of it..but then as soon as she mentioned that you know there are schools where you dont need to take the GRE to apply..and its like duh how could i forget about that..but then once i was reminded of that and that option was there i suddenly wanted to take the GRE..my first pick for schools really is going back to ECU..and if i have to take the GRE in all of its stupidness then i will..and i found a couple of really interesting sites to use..one for learning more vocab..and one that has like bunches of practice tests and essays and all of that...and then there are a couple prep classes through the college that i can take online for 6 weeks each and its 90 a class and i dont think thats bad at all considering that online the preps and classes are like hundreds of dollars for only 3 or 4 days and stuff..and i think that by stretching it out over 3 months for me will keep the stress down...and i think ill plan to take it in aug..or september depending on when the july class will be over with..and then working in the vocab thing this morning..i realize i know a lot more words/definitions than i thought i did..but then im always playing scrabble and stuff online..and what not..so im not worried about the vocab part..its all the other parts lol!..

but i think i just need to focus on one thing at a time..because i say i want to go to grad school but then im looking for jobs randomly and not even applying and i need to quit doing that...if i apply to schools and dont get in then thats something else and ill go on from there..if i do apply and get in then well it looks like grad school..so i really do need to do one thing at a time..and be ok with it..instead of always worrying and wanting to do something different.

totally random picture

dusti sleeping on my rubber ducky blanket
:)

i dont know..

im okay..i mean surprisingly pretty ok considering the week ive had..and its confusing to me but i guess i should just be happy..but how can i be happy when its just so weird? i was seriously wanting to die like 2 days ago..and then yesterday i wake up and actually i dont know have purpose or something..and its so hard to deal with..the ups and downs at times..and today i wake up and still im ok..just tired..a tad but nervous and frustrated about other just daily stuff but still pretty ok you know..

hopefully ..really hopeful that the car stuff will be fixed soon..yep still in a rental and yep still pretty much broke ..if i can make it to my next pay check that will save me once again.but the guy called yesterday and said that they almost had all the info and approval stuff and so im just hoping...trying to hope that it will all turn out ok.

babysitting again today and im so upset with harris for having a friend over and then leaving him to go with a different friend..and even more upset with them all about there behaviors in the movie last night..ugh..im now reminded why i do not have kids..if i needed a reminder well thats it..but now i know i wont be taking 4 to the movies ever again..but its ok..the apologized later..and i just told them they were being royal pains..to keep it decent..cas i was thinking they were being royal asses but i would never tell them that..so now its two of them and one is going home this morning and so then it will just be me and riley..and he has the whole day planned out lol..so he told me yesterday..and so we are going to the movies and shopping and out for lunch and ice cream..and you have to admit the kid can plan a day lol..but with just him it will be fine because he i know wont go away from me for long...i told them (riley and harris) the last weekend when we were at the movies that i was leaving them because i got annoyed at them for some reason and riley can running back to get me and harris asked for the money and kept walking lol..as much as i love the two of them sometimes im just really glad i get to bring them home to there parents at the end of the day. so today should be a really low key day.

i still havent written linda about what went one on tues/wed/thursday..i emailed her something but it wasnt the entire thing and i could have written a lot more..but im just scared i guess..but i know i will have to write it at some point or tell her..and if those are my options then i would rather write it..but i know its important to at least tell her what happened and why..ive been thinking about it a lot..and even if i cant figure out how to really say it i know i can try..i keep reminding myself thats its not insight im lacking..its the ability to talk in words so someone else understands me..there are so many things i need to work on..and its so hard thinking about it all and feeling so small and insignificant in it..i dont know..i feel so lost in it all and well im not letting her help me..and i know it..and i just want to tear my hair out because i do know all of it..good grief ive thought about some things so much and talked the entire issue out and had insight and made annoyingly good comments to myself on it..and then i go to therapy and its like im the dumbest person ever because i dont seem to know anything and cant talk about it or give details or say anything..and im not stupid you know..i know im not stupid..but still its a struggle..i was thinking yesterday while i was lucid and in a good mood..seriously i started referring to yesterday as a lucid period..but anyway i was thinking that theres an entire world out there and i can do what i want..i was looking up sharing an apartment and stuff yesterday just for the fun of it..and it was interesting..i cant afford to do that now..but its an option you know.. i can do stuff if i manage to get past the fear..but i let the fear.anxiety stop me every time..again and again .. i stop myself..i dont know ..its just frustrating because there are the days when im ok and can think about the future..and then there are the days when im so not ok i dont even want to keep breathing..and there is no happy medium..its all or nothing..and i think that is the hard part for it..and writing that makes me wonder about bipolar again but i know thats not me..i can be really low but the highs arent manic..its just ok..but anyway..thats whats been rolling around in my head ..

and i was also thinking about why it is i wont apply for a different job..and its because im afraid ill actually get it..thats it..so simple right? no not really..

why?

so many questions in my head right now..i dont really now why ..yeah im really logical at times haha..

but just kinda thinking of what the why/reasoning is behind the things that we do..just in general you know..why bother cleaning a bedroom that no one will see? or why clean your car? why go to school? obviously that would not be a question to ask a 10 yr old! but just what is the drive behind actions i guess is what im wondering..why did i just spend 2 hours cleaning and what not for no real reason except to do it..except to hope that i did enough of a good job so that it will be acknowledged..for the love of all things good the freakin floors got scrubbed! but it doesnt matter..its just something i did..it will be glossed over forgotten, not noticed..and in a few days it will be as if it never happened..or mommy will find the one thing i forgot to do and make sure to point it out because thats how this works..and still i want an expect it to be different..expect something ..anything to make it worth the time and effort..i set myself up to be disappointed..again and again i get disappointed..and still i wait and hope and wish..and it doesnt change..so why do i do it ? why do i keep letting myself get hurt again and again and again?

ive been back and forth trying to write this..wanting to write but not having anything to say..very sad and just want to go back to bed, i dont want to talk to anyone or be around anyone and i dont want to go to work or go babysit after work because that means being around someone and eventually having to talk and i dont want to talk at all..i want to be quiet and sit still and not think.and not cry and i dont know what i want to do..today is not friday, it cant be friday twice..thats stupid and i keep thinking it is..im sick of everything..but way to sad to even care..i keep oversleeping the past 3 days..and then i get up and all i want is to turn around and go right back to bed because thats easy and doesnt take any thinking at all..somewhere in there thoughts are getting to be very bad and i should care shouldnt i? i mean like try to stop it or something?

a lot to process ..

im so so very mad and its directed at all the wrong people and i feel bad for that. actually its only directed at my therapist and i know im not mad at her..i just think i am and i know im mad..and frustrated ..and then it was my brillant idea to start thinking that some how this is all lindas fault except well thats not true..because its my fault and i know this but im trying to ignore it because i dont want to think about that..or acknowledge it or think about it..because once i start thinking about that then ill have to realize why its my fault in the first place..

all of this is stemming from the simple little fact that i went to therapy and left and didnt say what i really wanted to say. this happens an awful lot but today it was just worse some how and i left and got so upset..because it was like well how could i go and know i wasnt ok and not say anything?! nothing at all? but thats what i did..and then it made me even more upset because i was able to leave and make it seem like i was doing ok and linda didnt question me on it because i gave no reason for her to need to. because she had no reason to ask me..thats how it goes..im always ok, im always fine..and no one needs to know any different..except linda cant do anything, cant help if im not telling her..and then i get mad and think she doesnt care because she doesnt ask me..or question me..and it all gets so mixed up and confusing..i can the logic in it..i can see the illogical part of it too..and i cant do anything just yet to make it better..i dont know how to tell her..i dont know what to say to make it better..i dont know what to say..but i want it to be better..but i need the anger to wear off first..even misdirected its to much to deal with..because ive been thinking about it all day and its taken most of that time to figure out i was mad and even longer to figure out the why behind it..and all of it is hard to deal with..because its like standing there and discovering the complete and utter truth and having to deal with it all head on because theres just no where to hide anymore..all these months of being so careful, so controlled, so just perfect in some way and its all going to have to come crashing down..because i cant go and tell her all of this and expect things to stay the same..because what she has worked so hard to get me to do will happen and that is the scariest thing ever..because once the fight to stay in control is gone i dont know what will happen..and that is the part that has always scared me..i cant control myself if im there telling her all of this stuff..but this is one of those things that she needs to know..once i figure out how to write it to her..

just need to write

Mommy came home today, she was home when I got home from work. I wasn't excited or happy or anything, it was just something else that happened today. Not really something that needed any extra thought but I was still worried about it. I didn't realize that what I wanted her to do was at least acknowledge that I was here and when she didn't it just hurt. I was waiting for her to say something, anything at all to me, that would have been a good thing, ask how my day was or what I did while they were all gone and she didn't. She asked what I wanted for dinner and if I had drank her sodas and then left. When she got back she asked me if I had changed the cats litter box which of course I had, and that's it. I didn't even know what it was I wanted, I just know I didn't get it and it is disappointing, hard to deal with. All of it just makes me feel incredibly sad. Like I don't exist, I'm not important enough to be noticed, wanted, needed. It keeps getting drilled in, that I'm just not good enough and I never will be, and maybe that is why the thoughts of not wanting to eat are coming up. I just want to hurt and I cant cut again because that's off limits in some way, but the ED stuff we haven't talked about in therapy and I refuse to bring it up because its not that important. Its like if I don't talk about it then it doesn't exist yet, and so it is easier to hide, easier to convince myself that its ok to do it. That I will get away with it because its so easy to hide if no one is looking for it. I feel slightly guilty but at the same time I don't care. Way to sad to really care, I hate feeling all of this stuff, I don't want to want anything at all, I dont want to know that something is missing and keep looking for it in all the wrong places. How can it not bother me that somewhere in my head I am planning to die and nothing will stop it.

really mad

mad mad mad..the most illogical anger ever..its confusing..right now im ready to just pack up and leave and its over a reason that makes no sense really..i mean its not my house its mommys and so of course she will have final say on something like getting a pet..but being told no makes me so so so mad..and it shouldnt but it does and its frustrating..because at work today there was an abandoned kitten that is staying at one of my cls houses now..and it has to be bottle fed its so small and cries and i got to hold it and it climbed up my shirt..and i wanted it so much.i wanted it..i promised to never ask for anything ever again..begged and begged my sister to ask for me..and she told me mommy said no..that she was just getting mad cas i kept asking..i dont ask for anything and all i wanted was one little kitten and being told no was just unacceptable .. ok please ignore the craziness in this .. but this makes me upset enough to want to just leave..and go somewhere else..how is that?! almost nothing else gives me that same urge..but today..right now i dont care at all..because leaving means i can do what i want..and can get another kitten and no one can tell me no at all..and if they dont like it then no one can ever come to my house i wouldnt even care...and obviously acting now would not be a good idea at all ..but good grief

this is all ive asked for in forever and i guess its just upsetting me at being told no..i dont know

i dont care
at all

always wanting what i cant have

i want to write, but i don't know what to say..my thoughts keep returning to the same things and none of them are good..i spent an hour today talking myself out of taking pills..they weren't mine but i just happened to sit there and look up all the bottles until i knew what they were for..and i wanted them all..i wanted to have them..and i couldn't just let myself give in and take them..and bring them home..what would i do with them? once i had them? how is it that i still check the bottles at one of the places i work just to make sure the pills are still there..again not mine but so easily accessible..so easy to just get them and keep them..but i don't know why i want them still..yesterday i wondered if it would hurt to really crash my car thats not mine..wondered that more today while driving..i wondered about purging..just because it would hurt in the end..i wondered about going to the store and looking at all the razors and what not..i wonder about not eating, dieting, becoming vegetarian again..and the more i think about it the more it makes sense..i keep wondering about all this stuff..and wanting it..and then making myself suffer because i dont want it at the same time..because i know none of it is good..because i know it doesnt help in the long run..but in the moment i want it all..some where in all of that the thoughts of dying are starting to come back again..wanting things to stop, to go away, to just drift along for a while and not really do anything..i think i just want a way out..everything is losing interest again..i wake up in the morning and wonder why i have to even get out of bed..when i dont want to..and instead i waste time doing every thing but what im supposed to do..what i need to do..because i dont want to deal with any of it..because its all to hard and i dont even know why..

is it weird that i think of all of this..that i wonder and wonder and wonder and cant come up with what to do to make it stop..all the time all these questions go around and around in my head and i cant seem to make them stop..because i get so caught up in trying to find away around the rules...trying to find a way to be the center of attention, to be wanted and cared for and important..and that means doing something really really really stupid..and i know it would be a bad idea to let my thoughts and wants take over..to get stuck doing something i dont want to do..just to get to the end result which would mean being cared for..having concern..i think about before it happens and its all appealing and nice and comforting in some weird way..but i know that if it happened..and once i had it..then i wouldnt even want it anymore..i would hate it so so so much..but that doesnt make wanting it any easier

ive spent the weekend spending money i dont have to fill a craving ..a need..a want..that refuses to be filled..and i keep trying and all it does it make me sick..and im sorry in the end that i even tried..that i wasted the money on something that was so short lived..so in the moment and once its gone its gone..and im left still wanting more..always wanting more..

mommy comes back tomorrow..im not excited..im nervous..on edge..worried something will be messed up some how it will be my fault or something..already im wondering what i need to make sure is cleaned and put away before she gets home tomorrow..what do i need to remember to do and not forget about before i leave tomorrow to go to work..because if i screw up and dont do something then tomorrow will become just what my days usually are i guess..

it never ends

hmmm

im tired..but i think its more than that too..its more than just being tired but the only way to really describe it is to say that im tired..everything just feels really quiet and sort of not there i guess..im just in my own little isolated bubble i guess..

and i need to go back up to nias place and i just dont want to really..but i know i have to because i get to get the rest of my stuff that i shouldnt have left there..and im sure that once im out of the house i will feel more together..but the appeal to stay put and stay inside is slightly overwhelming..urgent .i dont know..i mean its easter and i dont know..just another day to get through i guess..maybe im just upset because last night laura told me i needed to go to church after i told her i wasnt going..and i dont care that she told me to go but its just i dont know weird i guess..my choice and all and im not going and have no intention of going any time in the near future either.but you would think i was going to go to hell or something for not going to church..but i dont like it..hmm maybe its not that i dont like it, its just that i dont believe it..no i dont know why its bothering me so much..

muddy thoughts

i keep thinking that something will happen. that suddenly there will be some grand epiphany and everything will be good and ill have what i want .. and it doesnt happen..i guess being at nias place is just making me really jealous and out of sorts..

and i wonder if im making the right choice, doing the right thing? is hoping that things will get better even enough? i dont know..i wonder why i even bother..i guess i do know why i bother ..but i dont want to think about it right now..the past few days i havent really been thinking about anything at all..the sadness is back and i keep trying to ignore it..hope that it will just go away and it does but it always comes back again..i dont want to think..maybe thats it..i cant ignore it if im thinking about it..and all ignoring does is disconnect me and i dont like that any better..time slows down, time speeds up, i stop and the world moves on around me and i cant do anything about it.i think doubt is just kicking my butt today..all i want to do is wonder what if..and feel horrible because it seems like everyone else is so pulled together and i cant even keep my weeks straight. but i know im doing the right thing even if it does mean being stuck at home for longer than i wanted..school is something no one can just disagree with..trying is better than just blowing it off and i do like school..i wonder if ill be able to manage..i wonder if ill get in..but im not wondering if ill fail again..and its only a couple years..and then who knows..maybe by then ill have my head together a bit more and things wont be so helplessly not okay..technically 3 years before i have to rejoin the real work world..from the way im looking at things now..but that means i have to figure out what im doing now..technically im working..and well theres therapy too..and after that theres babysitting...and of course wasting time..and somewhere in there i need to get it together enough to start studying for the gre..and maybe ill even plan to take it in august.and see how it goes..3 months or so to prepare..because i think the applications for next fall have to go out by like feb or something..i dont know...maybe i can afford a tutor or something..cas i think about the math section and it makes me not even want to bother..essh ..but if i have to do it than i want to try my hardest..

why am i feeling so sad..dejected..lost..alone..confused should be my middle name..

i actually made it the entire time without calling my therapist..i wonder if shes wondering what im up too lol..but i hope shes not worrying..

hmm i dont know what im rambling on about..

massive storms

there were huge storms last night..thunder, lightening, rain, wind, etc..it was pretty bad..and i had the window open when it woke me up and freaked me out..it lasted about 45 mins or so..and then moved on..i dont like storms very much..


i finally made it to nias place...and am just hanging out..wanting to take a nap lol..thats how entertaining i am..good grief..but im tired and worn out and i have no idea why..so just hanging out doing nothing..

wow thats all the news i have..

fun :)

so this is what i did at work today. :) talk about fun and entertaining! and so something i would never consider doing at home! but i went to work late as usual and my clients aunt was painting the living and she has been really sick so i volunteered to help..and i told her i was gonna write my name on the wall and she said ok..so i got to paint and then that turned into putting hand prints all over the walls and then i made a bunny (please note the absolutely awesome bunny in the left hand corner :P ) and then i wrote my name and then i painted over the entire thing and it was like it was never even there which was even better..and then i got paint all over the base board and the floor and she told me not to worry about it :) and once i painted it over it i told her you could still see all of my hand prints and that i would forever be a part of the wall lol..

really?!

surprise surprise

i haven't cut in a little over 3 months this time..

there was the one time after Christmas

but even counting that one its still only been once in like 7 or so months

never would have considered that happening at all! a bit shocking really because i hadn't given it much thought at all..and then today i was counting backwards and it was a lot more time than i thought it was..

today i feel a little bit proud of myself

the usual rambles

since im falling asleep im almost certain that this will not make very much sense..

im feeling strangely hopeful tonight, thinking about the future some..what i want to do..what i plan to do..what my goals are..etc..the only thing ive been so steady about lately is going back to school..but i tend to keep trying to gloss over the fact that it will be another year before that is even a real possibility .. another 8 or more months before i know for sure..and then things will have to change a bit..ill be able to move on..go off and do my own thing..but still there is that huge empty time frame..to deal with..and i know it is probably better..safer..to do what im doing now..although doing it now means ill have the next 3 years for therapy and what not..and good heavens i wonder what im thinking when i consider that..but i guess grad school will open up a lot more windows...i can apply anywhere really..but ill try nc first and then go from there..that means i have to start studying for the awful GRE..awful awful awful ugh
but oh well

and then after grad school, i can go anywhere, do anything, live anywhere, get away from here..away from everywhere..and just i dont know..live i guess..i keep thinking you know how there are the kids in high school who ar the loners and to make them feel better ppl tell them that there life just hasnt started yet, that they will blossom ( yep incredibly cheesy word i agree) later in life and will be happy..i keep thinking that for me thats how its happened..except i havent found my great life yet..im still looking for it..waiting for it..even possibly hoping for it..and it will happen it just has to happen..you know i guess as long as some shred of hope is still there then something will turn around..something will change..and things will not always seem like they are now..

i want a house
a family
love

saw some really pretty houses in a random neighborhood today and wondered what it took to get one..to be able to fill up an entire house with just belongings and personal stuff and make it this great space to be in..and it is slightly overwhelming..filling up space makes me nervous for some reason..i wonder if i even have enough stuff for a whole house..i have to much stuff for one room but so not enough for a house lol..

yeah just thinking about weird stuff tonight

feeling miserable

missing linda a lot right now..wanting to talk to her or just be around her and maybe mot actually talk to her..sad sad sad thoughts.mixing my days up big time..lots of backtracking, stopping and trying to remember ..i hate how confused im feeling right now

the most logical rant i will ever have

as i was driving along talking to myself as usual because things with mommy have just bothered me so much today..and just out of no where i thought, clear as day that i will not be controlled..and i thought it and even managed to finish the entire sentence out loud although it took a couple tries because i was so shocked that i had even thought it. i mean on a reg normal day any number of random thoughts go through my head, some good, some bad..but it has never been that straight forward..that simple and straight to the point..never..and i think i was just feeling a little upset at the time, anxious, completely pissed off i dont know anymore..but it was just so unexpected and i dont know yet what im thinking about it now..

i think im a little bit leary of the entire thing because i know its true..because i know i am so easily controlled by mommy, because i cant seem to stick to no with her and get away with it..because there are so many little things that keep me locked in this constant battle with her..and today she was mentioning what i needed to stop eating and what i should be doing yet again..and it bothers me because its like she is poking and pushing on the part of me that thrives to be good and do what she wants..to count cals and not eat like it was a job or something..and im worried because it took a lot of work to stop the purging..to stop counting calories and not eating and everything else i was doing for years..and still the thoughts come and go..and its like..it feels like mommy is doing everything she possibly can to make me go back to it and no she may not even know what it is exactly that she is doing..but the end result will be the same..push long enough and i guess you get what you want..but that comes at an incredibly high price..because going back to that means dealing with all the thoughts centered around being perfect, being special, being noticed..and the end result has always been dying .. being perfect at all costs..giving up everything to be exactly what im expected to be..and i was always so comfortable thinking i would do that..and i would die..nothing else made any sense..nothing else could stop that thinking or stop the wanting it..now its not so completely set in stone and i guess thats the part that worries me..

im worried about who will end up with the control in all of this..what will happen..will i end up making a horribly wrong decision for no good reason..but what i thought was right..someone has to have control..but i guess the million dollar question is asking who will get it?..

not calm at all

i tell myself to calm down, to sit quietly, to be still and just wait and that it will be okay..and nothing helps..not really..im already thinking about tomorrow and just the small fact that there is no therapy..and once i make it through tomorrow ill think about friday and no therapy and im sure by wednesday ill be completely freaked out. i did tell linda i would last a couple days into the week..i would say that was fair warning and i would think i at least knew myself enough to know i would freak..and that i was worried about the uninterrupted alone time throughout the wweek..later in the week will be worse really and the weekend..you know four days without ..maybe a couple more than that because ive forgotten when they are coming back..but you would think i would be thrilled..overly excited..calmer ..anything..and im not..not really..mostly i just dont care..i know i have to work through friday and then im not sure anymore..the kids arent back until sunday and im sure i wont be seeing them before next week..and so it will just be time..way to much time on my hands and no distractions..i have the weekend to do whatever i want..and i cant think of anything to do..i almost convinced myself to go and visit nia but stupid me forget at that time that she was going with mommy and i cant go to there place..and i cant go to va because i cant afford it ..and so im just stuck at home..and i dont want to be here at all really..i mean i guess ill manage as always but ..the worry is still there

.....

am i doing something wrong? coming and hanging out at the kids i babysit house? god why does mommy have to ruin everything..make me doubt what im doing..when i know its ok..good grief im always over here but she always makes it seem like im doing something wrong..or bad or something..and its not like that..im invited to come and hang out..i had already talked to there mom and she was more than happy to let me stay..but then mommy calls looking for me and its like im not at home and i should be and i think she is so very jealous that i prefer to be any where thats not at home and its not even like im doing anything ..good grief..
it was a good day..
but doubt..worry..nervousness..just makes it all not okay again

a night full of thinking

"The self you invent, the self you live by, that is the self who is important. you are who you choose to be"
pg 259 locked inside

i read that tonight in a book and felt the need to copy it and keep it..but i also read it and reread it and it makes me feel angry a bit..i guess maybe because it seems like it would be so easy..so straightforward..you know what you want and then you just go after it..but its not that easy..and i dont know how or why it isnt..i mean i guess its just not the same to grow up and have everything handed to you all nice and dealt with..no trying needed or involved...it makes it more worth it to have to work for it..to have to want it ..to just want something so so much you are willing to do everything for it..its so easy to get caught up in what everyone wants..in what you should want ..how you should be..and its hard to stand out, to be yourself, to want to be yourself in a world where thats not really encouraged..where you learn at a young age to just be like everyone else..to fade into the background..to just be there and if you manage to do something good..to make some difference .then you are just lucky somehow..or you did something wrong to gain that success...why succeed or try or do anything when there is always someone there to tell you that you are wrong, or stupid or not trying hard enough..it doesnt make sense to me..i wish i could say that i knew with most certainty who i was and what i wanted out of life..what my goal was..what i want to just work for..and i know all the expected answers..i know that if i say im going to change the world that is enough..no one wants to know why though.no one cares enough to ask why and if on a whim someone did ask im not even sure i would have an answer for them..it is just so easy to go with the flow, to just get by..and getting by isnt enough anymore you know..i want more out of life than just to get by..and maybe thats what this whole thing has been about..ive tried for a year to figure out what i want out of life and i dont think im any closer to coming up with a brilliant answer..and im not ok with that at all..it makes me feel like im not doing anything to just live and breath and some how manage to make it through the day without trying to kill myself..the fact that i want to kill myself most days should concern me more than it does..but the thoughts have been there so much that it doesnt matter anymore..im not sure what the final push will be but i guess ill find out some day..but it wont be today or tomorrow or next week..it may be years from now..i dont know but i dont want to think about that either..i want to think about now, the present, and i cant even do that because i cant seem to stay present..i cant stay with myself through out the day and that makes me feel incredibly nervous and on edge because its not ok to do it i guess..because somehow its become the easy way out of dealing with everything that i dont like..its how i manage to be at home and stay there and still strive to be the good obedient kid..not a good obedient adult.. because suddenly nothing is completely clear anymore..and maybe that is why i have felt so quiet lately..well since friday..its like i have to come to terms with something i have known for a while..and just refused to really admit to myself..you know yep its completely ok to have a conversation with yourself ..of course your not crazy..blah blah blah .. linda didnt call me crazy though..im not sure if i really asked either..but maybe thats a question i dont need answered on top of everything else..maybe there is a way to find something better, to stay more present, to want to be here as linda likes to tell me now..coping or no i need to stay ..and im not sure i really like that..what will happen when i reach the day where i am able to deal with stuff as it comes ..and not freak out..and not do anything.and be ok and feel and not get stuck in a bad pattern of thoughts..im sure it will take quite a bit of time to reach that point but there are so many questions..always questions and never enough answers

festival time

today has been super busy..and im worn out now..tired completely and hurting some but i ended up agreeing to go downtown because its azalea festival weekend and theres a parade (which we missed), and concerts, and different shows and stuff..and then theres a huge downtown part with vendors and food and entertainment (bands, dance groups, music, etc) and it goes from friday to sunday and its well huge...the main girl from slumdog millionaire was the azalea festival queen this year..and the concerts where american idol ppl..for those interested lol..it didnt make me excited or anything but i figured i would share ..but anyhoo i hadnt planned on going because its just so crowded down there and in the middle of the day when its so hot outside and theres no shade it just wears on you pretty fast..and all the ppl are pushing and trying to get by, and the ppl with strollers are the worst and its hard to walk with out being run over by someone else..and its not really always on purpose but still its hard ..and i dont like crowds or to many ppl and hadnt planned on going at all..but mommy became rather insistent and i was the only one not going and everyone would be there and blah blah blah..so i agreed to go..and it was ok just tiring..and there was a huge pirate ship and you could even go in it and look around but got to scared to do that and so just stood off and bit and watched all the ppl on the ship but it was a really nice ship even if it was for pirates ..and saw some ppl that i hadnt seen since i left for college, just from the old dance studios, the instructors and stuff..and hung out with my sister and her husband and there friends ..and that was ok..walked around a lot and watched some of the dance groups, and ate lol..and now it feels like ive been busy for days and all i want to do is sleep lol..my sister and her friend invited me to go hang out with them tonight..and i would have gone but i got home and it was like nope not going anywhere at all..if my sister had come back home then she most likely could have talked me into going back out .. but she didnt and so i got home and it was like no..all my socialness for the day has been used up..but i mean it was nice to get out a bit..and it really surprised me when mommy said she was glad i was going to go out tonight with ppl my own age :wow that would have been the last thing i ever would expect to here from her..and im not going anywhere but her just mentioning that makes me wonder how much its noticed that i dont really go anywhere out side of working and stuff

what is bothering me?

issues with my car and not having one are really starting to worry me a lot and it makes it worse to be told constantly not to worry..how can i not worry when im just about out of money completely and cant keep the stupid rental any more..and all the waiting and waiting and waiting and still nothing and its been three weeks now..and finally today im supposed to be getting a call about the banks financing for another car and everything..and i know i cant be mad at them because well they are stuck waiting to and im sure they were going as fast as they possible could with mommy calling them a million times a day..and then she is telling me about what car i should get..and shouldnt lower myself and just settle for a car..and its like ok well i told you what i want..blah blah blah..later she tells me that they are asking about a different car because there is a sale going on and some type and its like ok i can go and look at it..not big deal..and as soon as i mention that she is yelling about how i cant just settle for anything and they have to work to get the car i want and on and on ...and yesterday she had the nerve to tell me that she saw the car the car ppl were asking about and thought it was a cute car and that you know if i needed a car and didnt have the money then i should consider going and seeing about the car i was being offered..when i mentioned you know not having the money to keep the rental it wasnt a big deal, im told not to worry, when i mention just getting a car because i need to stop paying for the rental again im told not to worry, not to just settle for anything...but she bring up the possible car and how nice it looks and suddenly its perfectly ok to settle for a car..how does that even make sense? if i knew it was going to turn out like this i shouldnt have bothered saying anything at all because i should have figured she would have last say..

ive noticed it more lately i guess..how mommy will ask me something..my opinion or what i want to do, or where i want to go out to..and if i say i dont care she will keep asking until i come up with some place..and then as soon as i give a place or say something i want to do..then she immediately tells me that i dont want to do that..that i dont want to go there, that i want whatever it is she is naming..and its just hard..because it makes me wonder you know if i even know what i want because obviously mommy is going to tell me ..why do i bother to think or do anything because it will just never work and it will always just end up with me not doing what i want to do anyway..why do anything if im not going to be listened to? why bother at all if it doesnt matter and ill be overruled or something

pulling apart

why is it so easy to get upset, start freaking out, going overboard with everything when i know that if i could just calm down it wouldnt be so bad..but even just mentioning calm down makes me so very angry..and i end up doing the opposite of calming down..i dont want to be calm..i want to scream and cry and break something..the sound of breaking glass is really appealing right now and its also something i know cant be done..how about i just go to the store and start dumping stuff on the floor just to hear it..i kinda want the little spikey ball thats in my car..that is pretty good with grounding..and im so flighty right now im wondering how i havent managed to jump out of my skin yet...im to cold and shivering but i dont like the feel of having anything on me currently..and well walking around with no clothes on isnt all that interesting..but i think i need to change..and this doesnt make any sense at all..

new addiction

playing farmtown on facebook..holy cow! its awesome and fun..and currently my farm is really very sad and poor lol..

thinking

why do i doubt myself? you would think i would be the one person who would believe myself and stick to my story and what i know..i want to do that but i dont..i cant..its like watching a movie except right when you get to anything big, theres nothing there..its so annoying and frustrating because then it just keeps moving along except the parts that are missing dont come in later..you cant guess as to what they were..or why they arent there..its just theres one thing and then theres nothing..and then it picks up again..all the implied parts are there..i was born..i went to school..i was good..and so on..but its all the little pieces no one else would care to notice that are gone..the birthday parties, growing up, actually being in school, doing stuff with the family, going on trips, visiting nc, moving numerous times..all things i should remember and i dont..i know it wouldnt be a minute by minute recalling of everything but happened..but just a sense that it happened would be good..would be more comforting..instead its like i just kinda woke up a bit more after high school i guess..but then i was to paranoid to really be much good..and i guess that now its evened out a bit..i can think more rationally..not freak out about everything..but still a lot of the same stuff comes up..its all still there but its just different now..

i think its all about control..i cant stay in control of myself if im going and talking about all this stuff..i have to remind myself that i can never not have control..i have to make sure everything stays in some order that im not always completely aware of..and maybe thats why the repetitive stuff is so comforting..i know what to expect..i know what im supposed to do..i can tell you everything i have to do each week before it gets here..i know my entire schedule..the layout and how its supposed to go..im certain that ill stick to it and then i wont forget anything at all..but then the actual week gets here and suddenly im not so sure anymore.no matter how many times i write it down or remind myself or look at a calendar i still manage to doubt what im going to do...its the same thing almost every week..same cls ..same times..same everything..within reason..and i cant seem to manage some weeks..and its not as if im going to (losing train of thought..not sure why)

i took a break from writing this and started thinking about protecting and what was going on and not talking..and ive come to the conclusion that im trying to protect my therapist..from myself..if i dont say anything then obviously there is nothing for her to do anything about or to think badly about or be mad at me..or any other way ive manage to work it out in my head..and i cant say it makes much sense at all because i know she if fully capable of taking care of herself..and doesnt need me to make sure she is safe i guess..but i dont know..i dont think im making very much sense lately ..i want to email her or talk to her or something..but im not sure of what i want to tell her..i think its just the simple fact of wanting her that is bothering me so much lately..want..need..back and forth..i should be able to take care of myself and i cant..well i can.but im not great at it and lag big time..and all this other stuff and its just hard and scary and i dont want to want her or need to talk to her a million times a week..because its just barely 3 days between sessions and how can i just fall apart in three days? and i think im worried about the scale thing i took..and i know it doesnt matter what the results of it is..because i cant say it will really change anything..it just gives it a logical name..and i dont want that either..i dont want to be classified as anything..not realy sure i want to be classified as anyone either but thats a different issue..i thought i was getting better at staying ok..but i guess i was just getting better at not realizing i wasnt ok..not a good thing to do...ive changed my mind.i dont want to know anything at all..