not calm at all

i tell myself to calm down, to sit quietly, to be still and just wait and that it will be okay..and nothing helps..not really..im already thinking about tomorrow and just the small fact that there is no therapy..and once i make it through tomorrow ill think about friday and no therapy and im sure by wednesday ill be completely freaked out. i did tell linda i would last a couple days into the week..i would say that was fair warning and i would think i at least knew myself enough to know i would freak..and that i was worried about the uninterrupted alone time throughout the wweek..later in the week will be worse really and the weekend..you know four days without ..maybe a couple more than that because ive forgotten when they are coming back..but you would think i would be thrilled..overly excited..calmer ..anything..and im not..not really..mostly i just dont care..i know i have to work through friday and then im not sure anymore..the kids arent back until sunday and im sure i wont be seeing them before next week..and so it will just be time..way to much time on my hands and no distractions..i have the weekend to do whatever i want..and i cant think of anything to do..i almost convinced myself to go and visit nia but stupid me forget at that time that she was going with mommy and i cant go to there place..and i cant go to va because i cant afford it ..and so im just stuck at home..and i dont want to be here at all really..i mean i guess ill manage as always but ..the worry is still there

.....

am i doing something wrong? coming and hanging out at the kids i babysit house? god why does mommy have to ruin everything..make me doubt what im doing..when i know its ok..good grief im always over here but she always makes it seem like im doing something wrong..or bad or something..and its not like that..im invited to come and hang out..i had already talked to there mom and she was more than happy to let me stay..but then mommy calls looking for me and its like im not at home and i should be and i think she is so very jealous that i prefer to be any where thats not at home and its not even like im doing anything ..good grief..
it was a good day..
but doubt..worry..nervousness..just makes it all not okay again

a night full of thinking

"The self you invent, the self you live by, that is the self who is important. you are who you choose to be"
pg 259 locked inside

i read that tonight in a book and felt the need to copy it and keep it..but i also read it and reread it and it makes me feel angry a bit..i guess maybe because it seems like it would be so easy..so straightforward..you know what you want and then you just go after it..but its not that easy..and i dont know how or why it isnt..i mean i guess its just not the same to grow up and have everything handed to you all nice and dealt with..no trying needed or involved...it makes it more worth it to have to work for it..to have to want it ..to just want something so so much you are willing to do everything for it..its so easy to get caught up in what everyone wants..in what you should want ..how you should be..and its hard to stand out, to be yourself, to want to be yourself in a world where thats not really encouraged..where you learn at a young age to just be like everyone else..to fade into the background..to just be there and if you manage to do something good..to make some difference .then you are just lucky somehow..or you did something wrong to gain that success...why succeed or try or do anything when there is always someone there to tell you that you are wrong, or stupid or not trying hard enough..it doesnt make sense to me..i wish i could say that i knew with most certainty who i was and what i wanted out of life..what my goal was..what i want to just work for..and i know all the expected answers..i know that if i say im going to change the world that is enough..no one wants to know why though.no one cares enough to ask why and if on a whim someone did ask im not even sure i would have an answer for them..it is just so easy to go with the flow, to just get by..and getting by isnt enough anymore you know..i want more out of life than just to get by..and maybe thats what this whole thing has been about..ive tried for a year to figure out what i want out of life and i dont think im any closer to coming up with a brilliant answer..and im not ok with that at all..it makes me feel like im not doing anything to just live and breath and some how manage to make it through the day without trying to kill myself..the fact that i want to kill myself most days should concern me more than it does..but the thoughts have been there so much that it doesnt matter anymore..im not sure what the final push will be but i guess ill find out some day..but it wont be today or tomorrow or next week..it may be years from now..i dont know but i dont want to think about that either..i want to think about now, the present, and i cant even do that because i cant seem to stay present..i cant stay with myself through out the day and that makes me feel incredibly nervous and on edge because its not ok to do it i guess..because somehow its become the easy way out of dealing with everything that i dont like..its how i manage to be at home and stay there and still strive to be the good obedient kid..not a good obedient adult.. because suddenly nothing is completely clear anymore..and maybe that is why i have felt so quiet lately..well since friday..its like i have to come to terms with something i have known for a while..and just refused to really admit to myself..you know yep its completely ok to have a conversation with yourself ..of course your not crazy..blah blah blah .. linda didnt call me crazy though..im not sure if i really asked either..but maybe thats a question i dont need answered on top of everything else..maybe there is a way to find something better, to stay more present, to want to be here as linda likes to tell me now..coping or no i need to stay ..and im not sure i really like that..what will happen when i reach the day where i am able to deal with stuff as it comes ..and not freak out..and not do anything.and be ok and feel and not get stuck in a bad pattern of thoughts..im sure it will take quite a bit of time to reach that point but there are so many questions..always questions and never enough answers

festival time

today has been super busy..and im worn out now..tired completely and hurting some but i ended up agreeing to go downtown because its azalea festival weekend and theres a parade (which we missed), and concerts, and different shows and stuff..and then theres a huge downtown part with vendors and food and entertainment (bands, dance groups, music, etc) and it goes from friday to sunday and its well huge...the main girl from slumdog millionaire was the azalea festival queen this year..and the concerts where american idol ppl..for those interested lol..it didnt make me excited or anything but i figured i would share ..but anyhoo i hadnt planned on going because its just so crowded down there and in the middle of the day when its so hot outside and theres no shade it just wears on you pretty fast..and all the ppl are pushing and trying to get by, and the ppl with strollers are the worst and its hard to walk with out being run over by someone else..and its not really always on purpose but still its hard ..and i dont like crowds or to many ppl and hadnt planned on going at all..but mommy became rather insistent and i was the only one not going and everyone would be there and blah blah blah..so i agreed to go..and it was ok just tiring..and there was a huge pirate ship and you could even go in it and look around but got to scared to do that and so just stood off and bit and watched all the ppl on the ship but it was a really nice ship even if it was for pirates ..and saw some ppl that i hadnt seen since i left for college, just from the old dance studios, the instructors and stuff..and hung out with my sister and her husband and there friends ..and that was ok..walked around a lot and watched some of the dance groups, and ate lol..and now it feels like ive been busy for days and all i want to do is sleep lol..my sister and her friend invited me to go hang out with them tonight..and i would have gone but i got home and it was like nope not going anywhere at all..if my sister had come back home then she most likely could have talked me into going back out .. but she didnt and so i got home and it was like no..all my socialness for the day has been used up..but i mean it was nice to get out a bit..and it really surprised me when mommy said she was glad i was going to go out tonight with ppl my own age :wow that would have been the last thing i ever would expect to here from her..and im not going anywhere but her just mentioning that makes me wonder how much its noticed that i dont really go anywhere out side of working and stuff

what is bothering me?

issues with my car and not having one are really starting to worry me a lot and it makes it worse to be told constantly not to worry..how can i not worry when im just about out of money completely and cant keep the stupid rental any more..and all the waiting and waiting and waiting and still nothing and its been three weeks now..and finally today im supposed to be getting a call about the banks financing for another car and everything..and i know i cant be mad at them because well they are stuck waiting to and im sure they were going as fast as they possible could with mommy calling them a million times a day..and then she is telling me about what car i should get..and shouldnt lower myself and just settle for a car..and its like ok well i told you what i want..blah blah blah..later she tells me that they are asking about a different car because there is a sale going on and some type and its like ok i can go and look at it..not big deal..and as soon as i mention that she is yelling about how i cant just settle for anything and they have to work to get the car i want and on and on ...and yesterday she had the nerve to tell me that she saw the car the car ppl were asking about and thought it was a cute car and that you know if i needed a car and didnt have the money then i should consider going and seeing about the car i was being offered..when i mentioned you know not having the money to keep the rental it wasnt a big deal, im told not to worry, when i mention just getting a car because i need to stop paying for the rental again im told not to worry, not to just settle for anything...but she bring up the possible car and how nice it looks and suddenly its perfectly ok to settle for a car..how does that even make sense? if i knew it was going to turn out like this i shouldnt have bothered saying anything at all because i should have figured she would have last say..

ive noticed it more lately i guess..how mommy will ask me something..my opinion or what i want to do, or where i want to go out to..and if i say i dont care she will keep asking until i come up with some place..and then as soon as i give a place or say something i want to do..then she immediately tells me that i dont want to do that..that i dont want to go there, that i want whatever it is she is naming..and its just hard..because it makes me wonder you know if i even know what i want because obviously mommy is going to tell me ..why do i bother to think or do anything because it will just never work and it will always just end up with me not doing what i want to do anyway..why do anything if im not going to be listened to? why bother at all if it doesnt matter and ill be overruled or something

pulling apart

why is it so easy to get upset, start freaking out, going overboard with everything when i know that if i could just calm down it wouldnt be so bad..but even just mentioning calm down makes me so very angry..and i end up doing the opposite of calming down..i dont want to be calm..i want to scream and cry and break something..the sound of breaking glass is really appealing right now and its also something i know cant be done..how about i just go to the store and start dumping stuff on the floor just to hear it..i kinda want the little spikey ball thats in my car..that is pretty good with grounding..and im so flighty right now im wondering how i havent managed to jump out of my skin yet...im to cold and shivering but i dont like the feel of having anything on me currently..and well walking around with no clothes on isnt all that interesting..but i think i need to change..and this doesnt make any sense at all..

new addiction

playing farmtown on facebook..holy cow! its awesome and fun..and currently my farm is really very sad and poor lol..

thinking

why do i doubt myself? you would think i would be the one person who would believe myself and stick to my story and what i know..i want to do that but i dont..i cant..its like watching a movie except right when you get to anything big, theres nothing there..its so annoying and frustrating because then it just keeps moving along except the parts that are missing dont come in later..you cant guess as to what they were..or why they arent there..its just theres one thing and then theres nothing..and then it picks up again..all the implied parts are there..i was born..i went to school..i was good..and so on..but its all the little pieces no one else would care to notice that are gone..the birthday parties, growing up, actually being in school, doing stuff with the family, going on trips, visiting nc, moving numerous times..all things i should remember and i dont..i know it wouldnt be a minute by minute recalling of everything but happened..but just a sense that it happened would be good..would be more comforting..instead its like i just kinda woke up a bit more after high school i guess..but then i was to paranoid to really be much good..and i guess that now its evened out a bit..i can think more rationally..not freak out about everything..but still a lot of the same stuff comes up..its all still there but its just different now..

i think its all about control..i cant stay in control of myself if im going and talking about all this stuff..i have to remind myself that i can never not have control..i have to make sure everything stays in some order that im not always completely aware of..and maybe thats why the repetitive stuff is so comforting..i know what to expect..i know what im supposed to do..i can tell you everything i have to do each week before it gets here..i know my entire schedule..the layout and how its supposed to go..im certain that ill stick to it and then i wont forget anything at all..but then the actual week gets here and suddenly im not so sure anymore.no matter how many times i write it down or remind myself or look at a calendar i still manage to doubt what im going to do...its the same thing almost every week..same cls ..same times..same everything..within reason..and i cant seem to manage some weeks..and its not as if im going to (losing train of thought..not sure why)

i took a break from writing this and started thinking about protecting and what was going on and not talking..and ive come to the conclusion that im trying to protect my therapist..from myself..if i dont say anything then obviously there is nothing for her to do anything about or to think badly about or be mad at me..or any other way ive manage to work it out in my head..and i cant say it makes much sense at all because i know she if fully capable of taking care of herself..and doesnt need me to make sure she is safe i guess..but i dont know..i dont think im making very much sense lately ..i want to email her or talk to her or something..but im not sure of what i want to tell her..i think its just the simple fact of wanting her that is bothering me so much lately..want..need..back and forth..i should be able to take care of myself and i cant..well i can.but im not great at it and lag big time..and all this other stuff and its just hard and scary and i dont want to want her or need to talk to her a million times a week..because its just barely 3 days between sessions and how can i just fall apart in three days? and i think im worried about the scale thing i took..and i know it doesnt matter what the results of it is..because i cant say it will really change anything..it just gives it a logical name..and i dont want that either..i dont want to be classified as anything..not realy sure i want to be classified as anyone either but thats a different issue..i thought i was getting better at staying ok..but i guess i was just getting better at not realizing i wasnt ok..not a good thing to do...ive changed my mind.i dont want to know anything at all..

today i just wonder why any of it happened at all..

i dont even get why this is bothering me so much right now..or why i hadnt thought of any of it before

struggling today

im not sure why...its such a nice day outside..and im thinking and rethinking about why i never said anything..why i kept my silence and expected things to be better..i guess on some level i just knew that telling would cause more trouble..you know .. i was the one that had to go back home, not whoever i happened to tell..i would have to deal with all that happened not them..how you you want help and at the same time hate it? how does it make sense that help would have just made things worse..it was one of those times when i guess you just kinda know..its better to just stay quiet and hope it gets better...and yet i was still the one who just had to open my big mouth..just for it to be investigated and nothing turns up..the guilt is worse than anything else..knowing it was my fault everything gets messed up and keeps getting messed up..the only better thing now is that there are no more kids at home and so there is nothing that can involve social services anymore..now everyone is old enough to make there own choices..and im the only one in therapy..makes me wonder a lot..younger sister was in and out of the hospital a bit for about a year for suicidal tendencies and what not..but i guess shes better now...and she did therapy for a while but thats stopped too..am i really the only one that just cant deal with it? maybe i was to sensitive? maybe im just looking at it differently and some how seeing it differently? i dont know..:( .its hard..makes me wonder if im crazy or really losing it because its like i need so much to just get through the day and they are all managing some how...maybe it just makes me feel weak in some way..like im not strong enough to last through it..i wasnt strong enough..they all have there lives and i dont seem to be doing anything at all...

im just sorry

i guess its possible to make a list of things im sorry for, well i guess anyone could make a list like that but it would be a waste of time...today im just sorry in general about everything i could possibly be sorry about and then a few things that most likely would make no sense at all..like im sorry im so horrible, im sorry for breathing..although i realized maybe that is why i always have to remind myself to breathe correctly when im really freaking out..i just start holding my breath and thats prolly not a good idea you know...yesterday was a miserable day and the urge to cut was really strong, maybe it was the urge to hurt that i was after and so i ended up wanting to cut..but i didnt..nothing to cut with and my days of breaking apart shaving things are long gone..those never worked as well anyway..but i guess since thats making me think of a lot of different thingsand just making me want it, then the urge to cut is still there and still a bit strong..yesterday i just ended up being really quiet..there was no point in talking or trying or anything really. mommy said what she wanted and made sure i knew that i was completely horrible and lazy i guess..but then as soon as she needed me to do something online for her she had nothing at all to say to me about anything..but once that was done then it was back to what it was before..and it made me upset enough to really wonder why i was staying, why i didnt just take all of my stuff and dusti and just leave..its a stupid stupid idea to stay here, just in general it is..im just setting myself up to fail big time at everything..i want a way out, one that i like and can deal with and i havent found one yet..i could try for grad school next year but i think about that huge span of time between now and then and it makes me nervous..i could find a job, a different one and move somewhere else, i could go to va, i could stop therapy, which is what would happen if i moved..i could do an awful lot of things..and none of them are anything that i really want..and i dont know why..i cant seem to get very far past wanting to just leave..and its not even classified as running away since i have a car and money (sometimes) and can do what i want..and instead im as trapped here as ive ever been and i dont know how to make it better..i currently feel like i have no control over my life at all..but i guess i do..since i can still decide what i do and when and all of that..it just feels like there is no control, no balance, no anything, and all of it is just confusing..i cant deal with my life anymore..maybee i could nevere deal with it and just got really good at ignoring it..maybe thats why i am so intent lately on just playing computer games, because they involve no thought at all, they are repeatative and stop me from thinking about my life..i am in complete control of something thats not real and that is comforting in some way..i dont like or want my life..and i dont know what to do about it..everyone else is happy and having fun and i wonder whats wrong with me? how come i end up choosing to just not really exist .. when i was answering all of those questions in therapy the other day, i really did start to wonder a lot about some of the things i write about..you know maybe its not ok that i can make everything feel like its not there, or dull myself out completely, or shut off what im feeling..i dont know what im doing..maybe its just that because i cant see what i want my life to be like..i can barely see myself making it through the day without doing anything incredibly stupid..doesnt help that i can forget my day just as fast..nothing is interesting anymore, but im just set in some routine that cant be broken..i know what im supposed to do and that is enough to make sure i leave the house during the day..during the week, there is structure of some sort..but then the weekends come and im left to my own devices and im at a loss as to what to do with myself ..most of the time i dont want to do anything at all anyway..most of the time i juts want to stay in bed or stare at the ceiling..sometimes i want to just go out and do something but the motivation to put energy into it is most always lacking..and without yvonne being so close i cant even go and waste time at her place anymore..im slightly worried about being alone for easter weekend..everyone is going out of town and ill be left here..with nothing to do..and i think about that huge span of time and wonder what i could get away with doing and thats not good..everyone picks to go out of town at the same time..no mommy is good, no demands will be nice, almost no expectations..for a few days..but ill be by myself..with nothing to do, and no where to go..and its not like my thoughts have been in the greatest place lately..what i want i cant have..im trying not to even think about what i want because i realized that while writing this that im feeling a bit on edge..im not sleeping good again, i want the pills back, i want my razors back, i just want something to make it all just stop

hmm

messing around with my blog again. i think its pretty :) :) and so very purple lol. my therapist would find it funny !

today is just not a good day at all

" I know how to disappear. I know that i can close my eyes and curl myself up into my mind where its dark and i am alone but not alone. my numbed body could unattach its self from the earth and float away and it wouldn't matter. i can just disconnect myself from my body and my body will disconnect its self from the earth."


from p225 Skin

therapy and figuring things out..sorta

so therapy was today. that's nothing new..this week has been pretty bad with all the confusion i guess in my head.. and we talked about it a bit more in therapy since i had emailed her..and im sure i lost all sense when i did that! good grief..i thought i was going to be sick waiting for therapy today because i was so nervous and just freaking out because i knew that she knew a bit of what was going on..so managed to talk about it some..and still managed to take forever ..but talked..and then she was talking to me about this scale thing for dissociation and asked if i would agree to do it..and i said it would be ok and the questioned just really made me stop and think..it was only 28 questions but i spent so much time thinking about them that it felt like so many more..and some were really hard to have to answer..where as the questions were in a more generalized sense but still i didnt realize how often i do some things..how forgetful i am..or how i dont remember places or people or things ive said or done, or how i can get so caught up in movies or books and just forget about everything else..and not remembering being a kid..and some of the questions made me a bit nervous..and some where just kinda funny..like being asked how often i talk to my self..i do that all the time and ..well i do it all the time when im alone..and i have to stop myself from being so noticeable with it when im like walking to my car or something..but i have entire conversations with myself..all the time..in the car, at home, at work, walking to my car, etc and so on..silly me thought that it wasnt a big deal or anything..and im guessing the connections are just being made now..but the whole seeming normal thing is quickly just kinda dwindling away..but just for as much as i talk to myself..you would think i had tons to say..i do say a lot, i never shut up when im rambling on to myself..but get me in a room with someone, practically anyone and i wont say a word..go figure .. we didnt finish the scale thing today..got it mostly finished but i skipped some and so have to go back and answer those and the last bit and then i guess she will tell me what the verdict is..wonder if ill be just like labeled crazy or un-helpable and then just pushed out the door or something..

movies..triggers..feelings

i do it on purpose sometimes...watch things that i know will upset me..read books that i know make me so antsy i cant sit still..listen to music that depresses me..and i do it because of the reaction..because then i know ill feel something..good/bad/horrible..whatever it may be ill have it and then i wont feel so numbed out..i was well on my way to just nothingness..but if im upset then i have to be aware of why or whats causing it..and so i have to just stay present i guess..but then now all the little annoyances are coming up again..and its a pain..4 times today ive had to really think and pay attention to remember what say it was..more times than i can count ive wondered if im doing what im supposed to be doing, if im working with the right client because im not sure..how upsetting is it that i cant even keep track of my own schedule it seems?! the worrying drives me crazy when i know im right and just cant seem to remember it..cant remember why i know im right and it still just doesnt feel like i am..

last night i watched a movie i really didnt need to watch and it brought up so many questions/thoughts about society and child abuse and how no one 'sees' anything at all until its to late..in the movie i watched last night..the girl died..so many ppl knew though, so many people could have saved her, stopped it, but after she was dead and it all suddenly came out ..everyone wanted to point fingers and blame someone else..no one knew what to do to help her..everyone who was in on it just watched her die and swore they were only doing what they were supposed to do..am i the only one who sees the wrongness in all of that..the wrongness in the entire movie and i watched it and wondered what in the heck people were thinking..why was is ok until something bad happened and someone ended up dead..it makes me disappointed ...it was a true story and that makes it even worse in some way...its not just a story line that was written, it wasnt just someone gets hurt and then they are saved and everything is ok..it was a reminder that not everything has a happy ending..not everyone is saved, or manages to make it until they are old enough to leave..sometimes its the simple questions like wondering how a parent can choose someone else over there kids..bastard out of carolina is a good one if your contemplating that one..but if you can make it through all the abuse that goes on that is..incredibly umm detailed in that movie..i watch all this stuff and it makes me so mad..so angry and upset and just sad..

how is it that in a family as big as mine there was no one to step in and put a stop to anything..no one did anything to help..i cant say i was really very verbal with asking because that would have been wrong..but still no one saw anything..but everyone could tell me i should be happy and grateful...i should be happy to be so lucky..to get to do so many things..but i never wanted all the material stuff..crap i know im incredibly materialistic..i always want something bigger or better, i just always want more..i should be happy with what i have..i wish i could be happier with what i have and im not..i like buying stuff, i like wasting money on stuff i dont need at all just because i want it, just because i happen to see it and as im looking at it and arguing with myself over whether to buy it or not, i know i dont need it or even really want it..but at the same time i just have to have it..i need it to fill so void i guess..some part of me that thinks that the more stuff i have the happier ill be..and yea there is a happiness involved but it is always short lived..i will wake up from the enjoyment eventually and realize i just spent a lot of money that could have gone to something else..thats how mommy works..when all else fails she bribes .. offers something that guilt just has no part in..bribing works so much faster..give me what i want..and im a bit more willing to cave..sometimes i dont want to, sometimes i do..its one of those things that i just know is happening and theres not enough will i guess to refuse..its easier to just accept it whatever it may be and just move on..sometimes i end up feeling guilty for being so easily bribed..as always though theres something missing....i dont know..i talk to mommy on the phone a lot during the day, every day..and for as much emotion and focus that i put into the conversation i could have been talking to anyone..most likely someone i didnt know at all..geez i put more energy and effort into sending a text message..but i talk to mommy and just zone out almost completely..i can make it through an entire conversation and say nothing but yes or no before im hung up on...i am most certain that i didnt want mommys attention, i dont want it now..i talk to her about as much as i can get away with and most of that has to be forced out..because otherwise i would sit in silence and not say a word to her at all..im pretty sure that if she could get away with it she would read my mail..

mommy is mad at me..you know how someone is just pissed off at you and just wont come right out and say it..but she is..and i know this because now nia is asked to look up info for mommys next trip out of town instead of me..if im not being used then i know she is royally mad at me..and i shouldnt care at all..but then once again i get compared..because nia can do it better, because nia does this, this and this and why cant i..and why do i always have to be so mean and whats wrong with me..so no i shouldnt care..but that doesnt make the hurt lessen any at all..there's always someone better..theres always someone i need to strive to be..i dont try hard enough..and it just goes on and on..i try hard to not listen at times but then that just means ive wandered off in my head somewhere and am not really focused on whats going on anymore..

all of it just makes me tired..
im tired of thinking, im tired of my head, im tired of where my thoughts get stuck and seem to play on repeat, im tired of all of it

maybe ...

i need to consider grad school again
a bit more seriously this time

today has been rather dull and boring and i have to admit that its been an ok if not boring day...and wow i think i forgot what i was trying to say.

played sims 2 for most of the day ..watched tv..read..the usual slow day stuff..and now i am really tired.. was up past 2am last night..and tonight time tired big time

whats new

i feel aimless again..slightly lost and just drifting along with nothing holding me..wondering if ill magically find the right decision to make and that everything will be laid out in front of me so perfectly..without effort or thought or anything..its just there waiting for me to find it..and its almost like i keep walking right by it and just cant see it or figure it out and i just keep missing whatever the opportunity may be..i do that with therapy to, stare at the window and just wait for the words that i want to say to magically appear and to make sense and to not feel so out of it..i guess..and i keep waiting and waiting and waiting and you know..you would think i would catch on to the fact that it doesnt work like that at all..it makes me feel hopeless .. all of it..i want it to be better but idont want to deal with bringing anything bad or hurtful up..but pushing it all away just makes me tired now..its like ive given up again..or im getting pretty close to giving up again..and thats not a good place to be..once you run out of the motivation to just keep yourself alive then what is left exactly?

truth vs lies online

how is it possible to watch someone just fall apart all at once and not be able to do anything at all to stop it..i know that meeting people online and forming a relationship is not the same thing as meeting someone you work with and being friends that way..and meeting someone on a board about cutting/drugs/abuse/etc..whatever it may be adds on a completely different complex and makes it that much harder..and i know with online and all of that you kinda have to follow your gut and you know believe what you can..and just leave alone what you cant..but it just makes me question myself at times...i wonder if im that needy..if i have a major crisis every other day and just demand attention or support or something..and i know its pretty tricky to just call someone a liar on a board dealing with abuse but some things just make me tired..i dont like when someone is constantly saying they are leaving or they are going to just go and take pills and dont care and its like why are you doing this on a message board where people live all over the place..and its not like someone is able to stand there behind you and demand you take care of yourself or tells you to stop being so so i dont know..its just not ok ..and for a long as ive been talking to this person its like she has fallen apart pretty fast...gained a lot of issues that werent there before and i know there is truth in it..but somehow its not all truth and that makes me feel bad to just completely doubt someone and there motives..it makes me wonder if i do the same thing..do i demand someone is always there telling me that im ok and that they care and that they will miss me or something..and its just a lot to deal with..when i could just as easily make a choice to just stop associating/talking to them..because now i see their messages and it makes me tired..it makes me wonder why i bother or what they want this time..and that makes me feel horrible and shallow and rude and yea just a lot of stuff..and i dont even know why im worried about it so much

slight slight improvement

finally at home again..its been a long long long day and im just feeling worn out. met with the new cl and her mom today and they are awesomely cool..all the kids are home schooled and so there mom is just so laid back and there dog is a big big biggggggggggggggg fluff ball! his name is coconut and hes white and has oodles of fur and hes raly nice and likes to be petted :) oh and the cl was nice from what i saw of her lol..but they are nice and i told my supervisor i would give it a try. so that was good.

later that day i was told one of my other cls lost hours yet again and so her case will have to be appealed yet again for the 3rd time in less than 6 months .. its so so so frustrating right now with all of that and im now up to 5 cls .. 4 adults and one baby..and so my wed, thursday and friday hours just keep changing ..and im back to working 5 days a week and still hovering on the line between full time and part time

car issues of the day...cant see about getting a car until all insurance stuff is taken care of and that can be a couple weeks...im not sure i can afford to pay for a rental for that long and am freaking out big time about it..but cant do anything about that either..mommy got a letter today about the taxes on my car and im not sure why it went to her but now i have to give her the money to cover that which you know is to be expected but its just coming up at a really really super bad time and thats $200 that im going to be out of for that..but now its just down to a whole bunch of waiting it seems ..and im trying to keep cool and calm..and just take it a day at a time..but it is so hard ..i keep seeing when i ran into the back of the other car..and i dont remember what i was doing that i couldnt stop completely in time..i swear i was paying attention but im not sure..you know i wasnt on the phone, i wasnt messing with the radio..what had my attention so very much before it all happened ..i just wish i could remember the before a bit more clearly..the actual moment i remember very well and driving is still really shaky/nervous a bit.but it was better today..not as paranoid..just realized that i need to drive..i cant work without my car, i cant do anything with out my car..so i cant not drive..i cant be to scared to drive..

pri training was alright tonight..i paired up with someone i knew and that made it easier..we laughed a lot through it..and i always forget that pri for this job isnt the same as with the other job i had..where as with this current one we are not allowed to do a full physical restraint..no putting anyone on the ground..so it was more of just blocking and biting and hair pulling and simple restraints..my other job you were put into a full restraint..from standing to on the ground..and that i could never deal with well..and its slightly funny cas the lady doing it was talking about you know not to do it if you were hurting and stuff and i was like well i was in an accident like 2 days ago..and she pretty much told me i didnt have to do the physical part..and i told her i was ok and would let her know if i started to hurt to much..and it was only a couple times that i had to stop and move back a bit because of hurting a bit..but i also think doing it and using a bit of muscle i guess worked out some of the soreness in my chest..im not hurting as much right this minute..actually feeling pretty ok right this minute..dont know what changed it..

went and saw race to witch mountain with my cl today and it was a pretty ok outing. wasnt feeling great while i was with her and had a huge headache during the movie..most likely made worse by not eating until today..and popcorn at a movie just isnt food..so felt pretty crummy but still went and showed up and did what i had to do i guess..her mom just didnt get it at all and i guess she just comes across as being really rather selfish about the whole thing..and i dont know how to describe it at all

wish i was sleeping better..but maybe tonight it will be ok...i cant sleep on my back and have to sleep on my side or stomach or else i just keep getting up and moving..and with being so sore in the chest area i havent been able to really get comfortable at all...but hopefully the soreness will be gone for good in a couple more days

guess thats been my day

dont feel good today at all

tolerance for leaving the house, and being around anyone is at an all time low right now

how..

how am i not supposed to freak out ..my car is gone..it cant be fixed :'( ive only had it for like 8 months!! and today im told theres to much damage..and fixing it would be more money than the car is worth..and if it was fixed it would take up to 3 weeks and i cant afford to rent a car for that long..so now its all messed up and its my fault and i dont even want to call mommy and tell her that my car is gone..and i dont have to worry about a deductable now because i have to get a different car and i dont want another one i want that one

.........

didnt sleep to well cas it hurt..where i got hit with the airbag on my chest..finally just gave up trying ..hand doesnt hurt as much today but still a pain to try and use it to d o anything..really would just like to stay in bed today actually i want to stay in bed for the rest of the week..nervous about everything..dont want to deal with work at all..but i have to do the training this this evening because i cant miss that at all and i need to call my job and let them no im dont really have a car right now..got a rental but i have to pay for it because it wasnt covered in my insurance..but renting the car took a huge amount of what money i did have..feeling very sad,very stupid ..never did manage to cry yesterday and i guess thats why the scary feelings are sticking around so very much..mommy keeps telling me how lucky i was..how i got off really easy because the cop didnt give me a ticket..he only gave me a citation ..im not feeling very lucky at all right now

was in a car accident

fighting tears big time right now..head hurts a lot .. got hit with the air bag..with mommy though since she had to come and get me and so no crying at all right now..my car got towed and well yea that would be why im with mommy right now, head is really spacey so sorry if im repeating myself .. first thing mommy told me was that she she told me that i drove to close to other cars and went to fast..the cop said i was doing about 30 when i hit the other car..which is what i had guessed i was doing when i had to write the statement thing..and no one was hurt in the other car either..and im tired..and sore and not wanting to be around mommy at all ..just want to go home ..very not ok

sick day

took a day off from work..just couldnt deal with it and did wake up not feeling good. didnt last but i figure better safe than sorry lol..and its easy to make up the missed hours later in the week...but managed to get some random things done..went to the store..got a huge gash on my ankle from shaving..and it was a complete accident..and it was one of those i knew it was happening as it happened..and i dont know how it ended up going that deep but it took a long while to get the bleeding to stop..and i can look at it and deal with it in a really detached sort of way..i wasnt glad i got the cut..little disappointed i still cant manage to shave without giving myself a million nicks but this one was pretty bad and of course this is the one time i had no bandaids at all to use..should put some medicine on it though..

have been thinking a lot about therapy and all of that and i cant really say ive come up with any answers or how to make it better..but i will try and try and keep trying i guess until i figure it out..makes it seem like it will take forever that way..but i dont know anything else and linda doesnt either..and that makes me scared and not wanting to go back but its not like not talking has made things super easy or better..and i do know that its up to me now and im just lost with what to do about it..

messed around with my layout here but i dont think ill keep it..

i dont know

i dont want to babysit today..im tired..disappointed..depressed..i always hate saying that im depressed but thats what it is i guess..i just want to get stuck in something else..a book, a movie, a game something..anything that will get my head away from where its at now..

therapy was well therapy and we talked about how easy it was on tuesday because of what we were talking about...and how today it wasnt easy anymore..and i was back to having no idea about what i wanted to say..back to losing my train of thought almost constantly because i was scared and cant focus when im scared..and then im just i dont know..i dont know how many more ways i can be told that im safe there and that its ok to talk to her and to just talk in general..i know this..i really really do..and i just cant seem to convince myself of that..ive done everything but talk to her..and good grief she has read my entire journal and still i dont talk to her..i think about it all the time and every time i manage to convince myself that its ok ..i just end up changing my mind again..and i dont get it at all.because theres something that just keeps getting in the way and i dont know what it is ..because its more than just being afraid..i stopped being afraid a few months ago..and the fear is there but its just different..and i dont know how to describe it at all

feeling wanted

last night i told dee and everyone that i was planning on moving to richmond..and the response was that they told me they wanted me to stay, that i would be back, that i couldnt leave..etc..and i realized that that was the response i wanted from mommy..short of her begging me to stay..i just wanted to feel like she at least noticed that i was going to be leaving and make just a something out of it...instead it was as if my news was about as important as the weather and no one paid it much mind..and it just kinda didnt matter at all..maybe she even expects that ill be changing my mind again..or that i wont go through with it ..i dont know..but i just wanted to be acknowledged a bit..and i wasnt not with mommy..but then i tell dee and riley and harris about you would think that 5 hours away was the end of the world to them...and riley was so excited and relieved when i told him that it would most likely be a couple months before i moved anywhere since i needed to find a job..and its funny because that is the reaction i was expecting from them..they made me feel wanted and needed ...but from mommy i dont really know what i was expecting but what i got was a big big let down..and i didnt even realize it until last night because linda asked what response i was looking for from mommy and i didnt know..she asked if i had wanted her to make a big deal and i said no at the time but now i know i wanted some sort of reaction..maybe her asking me to stay or think about it a bit more or something..and instead i was just once again passed over and other stuff was more important and in a huge roundabout way its just completely upsetting ..and disappointing..

but all that aside its been a few ok days..minus tuesday morning..but other than that ive been ok..a lot calmer..slightly more focused but not really doing anything either towards finding another job..but i feel better lol..so im just trying to take it for what its worth and just going day to day and being ok with whatever it is im doing or not doing currently.

it never goes away..completely

with the conversation i had this morning with mommy my confidence has taken a blow..because according to her i have one foot in deaths door obviously for being overweight and no one will hire me because of it..yea..great conversation this morning ..but she has my best interest at heart..and i know if she had the chance she would just go back to telling me what i can and cant have and that will just lead back to all the major issues with eating and purging and all of that..worked really hard to stop the purging..and obviously provoking the thoughts again is not a good thing..her 'helping' stopped being in my best interest years ago.. because food, eating and the like has always been an all or nothing type thing..random healthy episodes mixed in with a lot of unhealthy stuff..good grief i know every freaking diet there is..have done it all and it always stops after a while..starting thinking again about purging this morning and so i know the thoughts are becoming slightly obsessive but also had to think and remember that me purging does nothing to get back at mommy at all..since i know that is what is causing the thoughts to get out of control..

it says a lot about the relationship to know that she has to corner me to tell me what she feels the need to tell me

just another lovely day in my head

it all starts again

all day ive felt the need to write and im just not really sure what i want to say..im tired and cranky because its been so hot today..and i think ive been sick the past few days but its nothing complete..its like waking in the morning and feeling bad but as the day goes on it just kinda goes away if im not thinking about..and then at night or when things are quiet not feeling good comes back..and i start and stop meds pretty quickly and am forever forgetting to take them and so its hard to figure out whats wrong.

i guess i dont know..i guess im just kinda starting to doubt the thoughts from the weekend..wondering if im doing the right thing, if now is the right time to be looking for a job and moving..about how ill never know if i dont do it..worrying about having to say goodbye to all the people i work with now once i move..and just all the stuff is pressing on me and i get stuck still wondering what im going to do..oh i just dont know..mommy mentioned yesterday that i dont know what i want and i completely agree with that..i really dont know what i want to do..i have absolutely no idea..but well maybe that will change..maybe it will be all just one big mistake..one thing that i shouldnt do..or maybe it will be the greatest thing ever..because its more depressing knowing that i can go and have it all not work out and then know that ill still be able to come back home
reoccurring thought though has been that well its been over 2 months now without cutting..closer to 6 or so i think with only one set back..but i keep forgetting to add the time before Christmas and it makes it all seem rather minimal..but its a big deal.it is and i know it is but acknowledging it is just so hard..so scary..i should feel proud or happy or something and it is nice not having to worry about new scars and cleaning cuts and all of that ..but at the same time its like saying goodbye to a really old friend and feeling just out of sorts without it...keep trying to fill the hole thats left and nothing fits into it..theres nothing that makes it all better and that makes me sad i think..i just want it to be all better ..make everything nice and happy and ok and it doesnt work like that at all..and its hard i guess..

and its sunday

well today is the day i go home..and im just wondering about it..i still have a detached feeling about going home. im wondering about how long i can drag out going home. i want to stay here but that will take some time..since i think ive decided im going to try moving here..because i think about it today and it doesnt feel me with fear..its one of those decisions that i freaked out about because i wanted it and didnt want to admit it..and im still a little worried about admitting it .. but being here and hanging out you know around richmond a bit and just seeing that its not a horrible horrible place that i had worked it up to be made me wonder if i would be ok here..i wonder how ill manage ..what ill do..i dont want to be miserable for the rest of my life..well for now id like to not be so suicidal..that would work ..and i figured out that its been a little over two months since i cut..after xmas..but if i count all my time..its been about 5 months with one moment of giving in..but its just different i think knowing that im not thinking about cutting the same way anymore..or any of it really except well all the suicidal stuff..but im guessing it will go away too..with time...and i think that..well im hoping that by the time i find another job and a place to live that ill be ok with leaving my therapist..

yep..it does count..all of it

being away gives me the time to see what life could be like..how every day does not have to be a battle to just get through it all..it doesnt have to be all about just trying to escape away from my thoughts..because even being away from home doesnt stop the sadness but its just more bearable today..but now im stuck thinking about tomorrow and that it will all be over..it will all be back to normal..and it makes it harder to enjoy the time away...because it sucks being able to know how good or okay things can be and then to just turn around and it all goes away..and im back to being not ok and its just not fair and makes me upset..because today has been really good..not counting the spurts of sad feelings..but it has been ok you know..and it just makes me feel i dont know sad or something to know that tomorrow i have to go home..that tomorrow i go back to my life and i dont want to..i want to stay here and i cant stay here either

im feeling very very confused right now. i was talking about moving last night with yvonne and asked if she would live with me again if i moved here..and she said yes..like not even thinking about it she said yes..but later on she asked if i was serious about it and i told her that i was thinking about moving but i didnt know where i wanted to go..and she told me that she thought i would would do better moving farther away from mommy and i know that i do but i guess it was juts a surprise that she agreed so readily to living with me again or all the stuff she told me about thinking it would be better for me to be farther away from mommy..it only takes about 5 hours to get to richmond and thats where i would have to move if i wanted to live with yvonne again..but i guess it just kinda threw me because i asked and wasnt sure of the answer and im not disappointed at all with what she told me..but now im just wondering even more about what i want to do..wondering if i would really consider moving up here..becasue i could just as easily get an apartment alone and just be in the area or in va in general..and maybe not richmond specifically..but we are going there today for a little bit and ill see what i think about it..because i dont know..i was so dead set against living in a big city and to me richmond is a big city and it just puts me on edge..but theres a college there and so maybe its not as bad as im thinking it is..and its not like ive ever even been to richmond! so i have no idea what im basing my judgements on at all. maybe its just that i know i grew up in the city and then moved to the middle of no where and i wonder about my ability to just be in the city because of crowds and worrying about getting lost and all of that..and im sure new york is so not the same as richmond and its no where near what wilmington is like or rocky point ..but its just different and maybe thats all i dont like about it .. well change just isnt big on my list right now..and then comes the task of stopping therapy..which is its own set of problems ..starting over..with all of it..still wonder if i moved and stopped therapy would i even go back again..heck would i even be able to go back because im learning that money wise im getting a heck of a good deal with my current therapist and im paying out of pocket because i had forgotten how expensive therapy can be since im not having to pay full price for a session..im not sure at all that i would like billing therapy through insurance because then they would have to be told some of what is wrong or what we talk about and i dont like that at all..but thinking about it now im not sure how well i would do moving to a place where i didnt know anyone at all..i know when i lived in sc that i didnt do anything at all to make friends and yeah my social skills and talking are way not good..and i get scared to easily to even begin to do anything of the sort..but i already know yvonne and im meeting her bf today..my only other real choice would be indiana and thats really far away from mommy..but again still it would be a completely new place..new surroundings..being on my own..and im just doubting my ability to make it i guess..once i move id rather not come back you know..not sure id be able to deal with coming back

thinking

im still thinking..about everything and im thinking that everything is becoming some sort of an excuse..i want to move, i know that more than anything and that hasnt changed for the past year and a half..but instead im letting myself stay here..im letting myself settle and that worries me. a lot actually. all of those negative thoughts gets mixed into not wanting to upset some sort of balance that is going on..but its not really a good balance at all..i think of what i want and its all sketchy once again..im so peaceful right this minute..im calmer..my head isnt driving me to anything and i guess im more aware of what is going on around me..and its because im not at home..its because once im not at home im this completely capable person..im enough..and being scared of something doesnt get in the way..because once im alone then the thoughts of just wanting to hide and be quiet are stronger..but somehow i manage to make myself get out a little..i can do small things by myself..like going and getting breakfast although i was freaking out and nervous about it..and i was nervous because it was something i had to do by myself..and i almost managed to talk myself out of it be cause i get nervous and paranoid at times..but its not like anyone here knows me..its not like ill see any of these people ever again and so it shouldnt matter...but it does and i know its because mommy has gotten me so accustomed to being picked apart about everything..and it just makes me nervous and i get scared to be around someone i dont know..and so i dont know..but even with all of that im perfectly find being on my own..capable of taking care of myself..and i want to keep saying im not ready for another job..i can say im comfortable in my job with the people i work with..i can say that im going to miss riley and harris so so much..but if i dont like going home..or if im always thinking of ways to die then whats it worth to stay .. its not worth it to stay is it ? its not ok to let someone just walk all over me or guilt me into doing stuff i dont want to do. its not a good way to live..it makes me not want to live..and thats not good

where i would like to be

no idea where i took this picture at..but its nice :) and rather peaceful to look at

trip

finally its the day to leave..i need to get away, just a small break, give myself some time to think and be alone partially..and just chill out..4 days of absolute freedom..better enjoy it while i can because im sure it wont happen again until summer get here.

Americas next top model makes my life better

so much for doing anything

she goes out of her way to just make me miserable..she does it on purpose..she does it to be mean and make me upset for no good reason..i hate her :'( no i will never ever ever forget that i dont want to be here. i wont i wont i wont ..shes being extra mean tonight because im going out of town tomorrow..because i wont be here for a few days so i guess she has to just be as mean as possible until im gone..all night its been one thing after another..yes i know i have to clean up..god ive been told 10 times today alone that i need to clean..god i just want to pick up and leave and so everything i was thinking of this morning doesnt make sense anymore because i want to leave right now and not wait and i cant leave right now and its all just stupid..try to stay calm but feeling very very angry..wishing i was anywhere else right now..i wish it was tomorrow so i can just leave

soooo getting away

well its finally all said and done well kinda since im leaving tomorrow whether anyone has anything to say about it or not..ill be gone..and i really think im more excited about my random day at the beach than anything else. and im even more of a dork for thinking that this is the first trip in forever that ive been on alone..doesnt count that im going to visit someone..but just ingeneral you know ill have to get myself there, ill have to check in to the hotels and keep myself busy..without having someone else there to tell me what i should or shouldnt do..its so odd .. realizing that im seriously lacking in the social area..i wonder what ive done with my life..ok wel ilook back and cant remember my life..thats fun

but on to another topic..i was thinking about the pictures i took to therapy with me..and i look at them and there is no connection at all to the pictures of when i was younger. i look at them and what to know what was going on and what i was doing before, after, during, but i look at the pictures and there is nothing..no reaction, no happiness, no sadness, no anything, its just a picture thats all..but i look at pictures where i can remember and there is always a reaction..a good one if its a picture i allowed to be taken! but i know what happened, i can look at the picture and smile or talk about what happened..but thats only with older pictures..like the last couple years pictures..anything before that and its like theres no connection at all

jobs

i was thinking today about all the job stuff again and realized that i dont really think im ready for another job right now..and thats why trying to do anything to get another job just stressed me out and i ended up not doing anything .. i worried about everything but it never included actually getting a job..and today i guess i figured out what was underneath it all, driving all the worries ... and now i know..i wont let myself do anything to get another job because right now i just know im not ready for it..but i wonder if thats setting me up to be stuck forever..or ill forget that i need to move..but i dont think ill forget that either .. but i dont know..

stupid stuff

something has to change. something always has to change. i dont like that i cant even deal with being at home anymore..this was a weekend that left me wondering why i even bother in the first place..i know that i need to leave, that regardless of what everyone says or wants me to do i need to leave.but i just get caught up in everything else..and listen to what everyone wants me to do and wonder how i could leave..i tend to forget the their life will go on if im here or not..there will always be someone else to step in and fill my spot and everything will go on...its not as if the world will stop if i say i wont do something..and in trying to keep everyone else happy i just kinda keep forgetting that there are things i want to..that would probably explain why im always forgetting what it is i want..one moment to the next and i cant remember what it is i want to do..thoughts about moving and staying come and go pretty consistently ..and i always want it and then i dont anymore..and then i start to wonder how long it will take for me to try to kill myself because once i start thinking about it then its hard to stop it again ..and its always there anyway..just depends on how hard im thinking about it..reoccurring thought that never really goes away..and its pretty depressing to think that i cant even trust myself to go to work and not take pills..ok not steal pills because that makes me feel guilty..have to keep telling myself that it is stealing and its bad and ill be in a heck of a lot of trouble for doing it..all of it is frustrating..because im going out of town for the weekend and wondering seriously if ill even come back..always hard coming back...leaving and coming back is never a good thing..

i will die here wont i? i dont know i guess thats a pretty random question to be asking and even more random to expect someone to answer it for me.

just more of the same

feeling rather sad today. i dont know why though..maybe its just to many late nights and then not being able to sleep later than 7 because i keep getting up at 7. and im tired and not feeling good atall.

ended up babysitting yesterday .. i hadnt planned on going over there but then i got a message saying that he needed me cas he needed a friend and so i went and hung out with him..and we went to lunch and to a movie..and then i just hung out at there house for the night after i wasnt babysitting anymore..we watched madagascar 2..it was pretty funny.. i think mommy was pretty mad at me for staying over there..but what am i going to do at home thats so thrilling ? all i do here is stay on the computer in my room anyway..but it was just one of those conversations where she didnt really say what she wanted to but i know she was mad..also frustrates me a lot dealing with money with her..why does she insist on asking how much i get paid if it has nothing to do with her? what is so very important that she has to know?

its not fair and then like yesterday when the kids i babysits mom asked me about my job and how it was going and then mentions that maybe i should just keep that job and keep babysitting and i cant argue with that because with babysitting i make all my spending money and stuff..and it keeps me going..but then just the huge desire not to be here is still there and im back to not knowing what to do..i cant stick to one idea at all..and it is really frustrating and disheartening .. part wants to stay. part wants to go. part wants to die ok ignore that part

disappointed

i dont think well i dont really know what im thinking today, just really disappointed with everything right now. i cant believe i just completely flaked on finishing paperwork, what in the world was i thinking because it took forever to start turning it in on time again..good grief and now its like ill be right back to where i was again a few months ago when i just completely didnt care and stopped turning any of it in..but i cant just wake up on morning and decide that i dont want to care anymore. it cant work like that because that will just get me in a whole lot of trouble since when i stop caring i kinda just dont really pay attention to anything and i do stuff but its like im just not into it completely..i dont know feeling weird today and just not happy with things..funny cas i was thinking this morning that im not suicidal at all you know and now its like well im not but im back to feeling sad..and given enough time the sadness with grow into something else..im starting to feel incredibly closed in again..maybe its trapped but i dont know what exactly has me trapped currently..everything is depressing lately and i need to stop watching the news at work because it is just horrible..someone is always dying or some kid is on trial for murder..and on and on and on..you would think they would something happier to put on the news or something..im tired and really cold right now..i think incredibly is my newest favorite word..or maybe its going to be irrevocably since twilight is coming out in a matter of weeks and i can quit asking henry to find me a bootleg copy of it. cant even put a finger on why i like the movie so much but anyhoo it comes out soon and then i can watch it as many times as i want to.

have been thinking a lot about everything i guess lately..i dont know ..i think about stuff for a while and then its gone before i really figure any of it out..makes life entertaining and so frustrating ..because im sure it was important since i was rambling on about it to myself but if i try to stop it and write it down then i forget what i was thinking about..im sure most of what i have been thinking about is all the stuff from therapy..which is a pretty broad subject to just sit and think about..but it does take a lot of time..and you know im doing a pretty good job distracting myself from something but i dont know what it is. maybe i really dont know how to say anything about stuff at home, maybe ive spent way to much time trying to work it all out and make it all better that actually having to talk about it and really pay attention to it makes me not want to do it..currently all of it is just being fed into a funnel type thing..ha makes me think of a tornado ..but its just moving to fast and its all smashed together and its just really hard to pull anything out and talk about it ..i can watch it all move, gosh ive been watching it all in various states for so long, ive never had to figure out how to stop it..and now i have to stop it and im not even sure thats possible..

nope still cant get any thing out

just ugh

and have calmed down since the wake up issues this morning..sent linda the most evasive email possible .. seriously not sure the two sentences i wrote will make sense at all! but its sent now .. and so now im going to work on getting errands done, and going home and working on paperwork until i have to see my afternoon person..ill have to leave a little early from him but that will be ok..can make that time up easy..have to work friday now to make up missing my morning person today..but i got the kids off to school on time and there house is cleaned up and so im done until tonight when i have to come back..
its on monday..not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing

frustrated with the ipod

my ipod is still nice and great and completely the coolest thing ive ever had but it is just frustrating getting it hooked up to the computer. it worked yesterday on dees laptop but it does not install on mmy computer and it sucks ..i mean i could use dees computer but its just not the same..i want it on my computer and its not working and it was frustrating last night and still is this morning

pretty cool :)

i have a purple ipod :)

it was my nice thing for well i dont know why but i wanted one and could afford it after paying all my bills for the month! and its really nice ! and im excited

now i remember what i was going to write about .

my cl is getting some of her hours back! i wont have to take another cl to make up the lost time..but it will be like april before my paychecks are back to normal..the way the pay is done is so confusing because its a month behind..so in march im getting paid for febs hours and so on..which is mice in some ways but oh so confusing if i dont keep track of it..but they are also working to get this specific cl into a group home which makes me sad but she could so use it..it would get her around ppl her age..and the structure would be nice but then i wont work with her anymore and would have to get another cl if she did get placed..but for now im not goin to worry to much..and ill wait and see how it goes..maybe if i have to stop working with her ill just elect to really get another job ..since i keep not looking like i should..but then i freak out about non work stuff and wonder how ill manage a red job..blah..i dont know. but yea that was semi good news yesterday.

once again im the last one to know what my schedule will be :( hate that.. but everyone is going out of town and im suddenly in charge of everything else..so im babysitting tonight and tomorrow and spending the night..and then on monday i have to be there super early to get them up and ready for school and spend the night then too and take them to school on tuesday..and in all of this is my usual work schedule that im not changing because its not fair..and i guess i shouldnt complain since it means more extra money..and its nice to be able to catch up with bills..but its just everyone assumes i will do it..and i want to just say no and go and do something else but thats not the way things go.. and just all the little stuff like not being home and having to slightly pack and get stuff to go over there and i could be there longer than planned and dusti will have to have plenty of food and everything and getting work stuff cas that has to be finished ahead of time..and errands all over town that i need to run today..and yea schedule just got a lot fuller! was annoyed earlier about my brother and mommy completely telling me i needed to do his fin aid stuff for him..i had already told my brother i wasnt going to do it.but mommy tells me today that its due today and so i have to do it and i have to get it in..it took about 30 mins to find everything and get the info entered and i just wonder why no one else can do it? how is it that im the only one thats good enough to fill out the info..and its not even mine?! but mommy did thank me for doing it..got no response from me on it but whatever

im worried

i guess im ok

i keep trying to write and my mind keeps wandering on to other stuff and i dont want to write what im thinking about anyway. im ok just sad, tired, just lost i guess..i saw linda yesterday and it feels like it was forever ago.it feels like waiting another day and a few hours will be overwhelming.and idont want to do it. how can going two times a week not be enough to keep me ok? and now ive been given permission to call inbetween sessions just to touch base before things get really bad and im worried ill just call and call and call because i wont know what else to do..and i dont want to be a bother..but i know until friday i will refuse to call her..just because im still not sure how i feel about it ..not really..i know it will be helpful but knowing it and putting the knowledge to good use are not the same thing..i dont like it because it is like admitting that something is wrong..and i stop myself because i get scared..i dont like needing help.. i refuse to lose control..and at the same time im about half way between giving up control and maybe thats the part of it that im just not liking. i dont want to be needy person but someone pointed out to me last night while chatting that im not getting validation/support/caring from anyone else..and until she said it i hadnt figured that out i guess..but i want it so so much and i know that linda can only give so much..and i dont know what to do about it..yes i need her and want her to help and im awfully glad she can keep track of what the boundaries are because i cant..i dont know whats ok and whats not ok..i know the basics..i learned all that in school..i know what is acceptable and what isnt but at the same time i dont want to know it because it makes things difficult..obviously i cant go home with linda and i want to ..i want hugs from her but i cant ask for them.. i dont know how to ask for what i need because it makes me embarrassed to need something like that..i get hugs and stuff from riley and harris and the kids i work with and am around but its not the same..and with everyone else im still really stuck in dont touch me mode..and im not even sure i can let down my guard enough to accept a hug from her..its all confusing..

all gone

no more pills. it took me almost 3 hours to get rid of them but i did and i dont like it at all :(

...

i really wish i had good or nice or even helpful to say.

ive been looking at this and trying to figure out what to say and cant come up with anything at all. today hasnt been good. the pills i have been keeping were to much of a temptation today. managed to go to work but really didnt care about that today, did not want to be at work at all. but it was safer being at work that being at home. called linda because i was worried. really worried that i would do something not good without the intent to die. talked to her and the options were getting rid of the pills or hospital stuff. and i still refuse the hospital, its just not a possibility. but didnt want to get rid of the pills either and she asked me to call her back when i got off of work and was at home again. she called me before i talked myself into calling her back..but i talked to her a bit and agreed to get rid of the pills and then i see her tomorrow anyway..not sure how i feel about any of it and its so confusing because i was ok all weekend, had a decent weekend and this morning things were just not ok anymore..and i wanted the pills but its like what i was thinking wasnt mine at all..just thoughts that were in my head and that i wanted to act on because they were so convincing..

im still waiting to get rid of the pills
i dont want to die but i want the pills
but ive promised to get rid of them and i will
just still working up to it i guess

today is better. linda did help..and it was helpful telling her about the pills and the not plan thats not really happening and so on..talked some about tuesday to and how hard it was..and left her feeling better..also promised to not take the pills i had and to not go and take anymore from where i am currently getting them from..and she added in that i was not to go and get them from anywhere else either..and its pretty funny because as i was promising all this stuff i was still trying to figure out how to get around all of it..and then she went and changed it and i had to stop trying .and its pretty interesting because she asked what i wanted to do about it when i refused to agree to get rid of them..and its like i dont know but i told her not to worry..and she said she trusted me enough to know that i would stick to what we had agreed too..and i really do want her to trust me..wondered how i had earned that trust but anyway it was ok today..

i really am feeling better, but i know that it will most likely be important to kinda stay busy this weekend. not get stuck with to much free time when im not doing anything because im sure the okness may be shortlived and i dont want to help it along any. but home today since i dont have to work and i think ill just take it easy, get caught up on mail and stuff, have to clean up and whatnot as i was reminded of at 6 this morning but not going to complain about that because its not all that important..mommy can do her thing and i will do mine..maybe i will actually make it to the movies this weekend. really want to see a whole bunch of movies lol..but i will figure out something small to do each day just to get out of the house. specially now since the urge to not do anything is pretty strong.

things really are not ok

realized today that ive been collecting pills..to do what with i dont know but i have them all the same..

more hopeful collages

click to make them bigger!

collages - the not really hopeful ones

stupid

just feeling upset. feelings are hurt. alot well feel hurt anyway but then maybe im not
should have figured sooner or later mommy would let me know what i had been doing that bothered her for the week. most of it centered around my driving and speeding and having a car crash ..well the possibility of a car crash from my driving and that my car would end up in a ditch somewhere and its prolly not good that my response to it was well ok im sure you wouldnt care anyway ..but then the conversation moved on to what i had picked to wear today and why i needed to go and change because it didnt cover the scars on my chest completely..and she didnt want anyone asking questions..because she was so concerned and so worried..you know im sorry ive just managed to ruin her life so much.. how is it not important what i feel about the whole thing? the scars are on my body not hers..im the one that gets to deal with the questions not her..but its her problem..its her concern..its all about her, it always is and then what i think or want or feel just dont matter at all..because the question should have been how come you picked to wear that shirt today..or are you comfortable in the shirt..not go and change..shes concerned all right..shes concerned about if ill be seen as crazy or she will be called a bad parent or something..could care less about what i felt about any of it..because to her i stop a long time ago and it was just because of stress in school and everything and thats it..would hate to pop her bubble not that she would listen to me anyway..

anger makes the feelings of wanting to cut much stronger
sadness makes the feelings of wanting to die much stronger
being unable to decide just makes it worse all around

something ive never done

i started thinking today about how much i wanted to go camping and how much ive just been wanting to get away for a bit..just in general and wondering what i could do or where i could go..and i finally started thinking about taking a trip back to cumberland island..in georgia..a 7 hour drive from where i live and the fees and everything to go camping would be under $50 at the most...and so all i would need to do was worry about gas money and all the stuff i needed to take with me..and go from there..and its still just all in the planning stages but i think i really want to do it..i miss camping and cumberland was the most peaceful place ive ever been..i dont know yet if im going alone but i think it would be ok to go alone..not like many ppl can just take off for a week like i can cas my job is incredibly flexible..and if i want to go somewhere i can..but that would mean missing a week of work again! because i want to camp during the week when theres a lesser chance of being around a whole lot of ppl..but then i have to figure out everything i would possibly need to camp for a week..and then how much for gas and maybe a hotel for a night cas cold showers are ok for a few days but then its a pain lol..but ive never taken a trip completely alone..to spend time alone..its different..but i really do want to do it..

its fun because its the last thing anyone would ever expect me to do..just get tired of being told what i should and shouldnt do..if im an adult then i can do whatever i want too..and i guess its about time i started doing stuff i like to do..

today kinda sucked

ust very very very upset right now..having a hard time today with anger in general..so hard to control the feelings .. its just been one thing after another and if waking up at 3:30 to take mommy to work wasnt enough she volunteers me to stay the night tonight and now everyone is all worried that i wont have the kids ready for school tomorrow and that is just stupid..and work was a hassle and the girl was just having a day with things..and it was frustrating and then her mom is making plans for stuff for us to do which just means ill be running her errands with her my cl just gets to go along for the ride and i hate that..but ok..and then mommy calls me in the middle of work to let me know that i need to come and get her and no matter how many times i say i will be done with work at 3 no its not good enough and she just keep telling me i need to come and get her and she can run errands with us but i dont want that either and it was all stupid so what do i do??? go against everything i wanted to do and what made sense to do and go and pick up mommy in the middle of my job and take her around with my cl and her mom which could in a sense get me fired because im not supposed to do that but it doesnt matter at all because as long as mommy has her way then things are just peachy and what i have to say just isnt important at all and all the running around ive been doing to accommodate everyone just isnt enough and im sick of driving and taking ppl places and i hate having to plan around what mommys schedule is because this is the second time she has demanded that i come and get in the middle of me work day like i can just drop everything to come and get her..its not my fault her car isnt working and its not my job to make sure she can go places..because she wants to do everything for everyone and then complain about not having mommy and then starts wanting to know where my money is going and im not telling her and that just makes her even more mad and i dont care..and its all pointless..she tells me to do something and then goes and does it anyway..then tells me not to be mad..how stupid does she assume i am that i cant even use a vaccumm correctly and that i need to be checked behind on it..how many ways can you say you dont trust me when you go behind me and check what i said about something ..yea that makes me feel just freakin great

hmmm

im tired tonight but thats ok. have to take mommy to work tomorrow morning but thats ok you know...had a long conversation today with well myself about picking my battles..and it came up after mommy started hounding me about my taxes again..and how she was going to go with me and when i needed to do them and it is frustrating..it was frustrating and ii told her what i had planned to do and she didnt listen of course..and i just stopped trying to explain myself and let her have her say..kept telling myself that it was ok and that it wasnt something that i needed to be upset over because its the same argument every week..money is one of those things that there is just no point in even trying to argue with mommy about..because i wont cave and tell her where my money is going and she keeps telling me what i need to be doing with my money..but i think i did ok you know..but i noticed that if i slack off even a little bit on reminding myself what is ok and what isnt ok with mommy then the old thoughts start creeping back in and takes over and then i just kinda give up..the old thoughts are so automatic that it is just disappointing at how easy it is to get stuck in them...all i have to do is just lose focus and its like i was never even trying you know..its so hard to keep focused on something like that..was in the car at the time and when i started to drift off i made myself refocus on the music playing until i got my head back under control..and then it just started all over again..

Growth

I was cleaning out my bag tonight and pulled out the razors that i have been holding onto for months..i had them and could have done any number of things with them but in all the months i carried them around in my bag i only used them once, after christmas. Then tonight when I was looking through my bag and cleaning it out I found the razors again and just started thinking about if i needed them or not. I dont htink i need them anymore, I dont want them anymore. So I threw them away, and it took a while to do it, second guessed myself a million times and wasnt sure if i was really wanting to go through with it or not. In the end i threw them away, all of them and manage to walk away from them. Writing this now makes me wonder if I will be ok, if ill be able to keep telling myself that I no longer need them. and im not sure. but maybe thats the whole point, if i was sure about it then it would have been a lot easier to throw them away months ago. if it wasnt a struggle then there would be no point in doing any of it. This time I do feel proud of myself, because the choice was mine, i didnt need anyone to tell me what the right or wrong thing to do was. i am okay with what i did.

I realized tonight that growing up really doesnt have anything at all to do with age, well in a literal sense it does. Its all the stuff that you do that doesnt get noticed I think, that makes it more important. Doing the things you know will make you happy, taking care of yourself. I know I am fully capable of living on my own, of being safe. I know there is more to life than what I have settled for and I know i have settled into a comfort zone that I am afraid to step out of. Change is always so very scary for me, but Im tired of all of it now. Not in a suicidal way mind you, but just thinking maybe change is good right now. Im tired of all the arguing and being upset, of being so easily manipulated into feeling completely horrible for no concrete reason and i let it happen. ive let it happen for so long without noticing what was going on. and now im learning that it doesnt have to be that way. That its ok to take care of myself. talking about stuff is still really iffy and way at the bottom of the list of things im going to be doing. but at least its on the list! its just that i always think to myself that i would never allow anyone to hit me ever again but then i let mommy yell at me like im not even there and its in a way doing the same thing, getting the same result i guess. both hurt in a some way, both leave me feeling horrible. why stop one and not the other? Why is one ok and one not?

just thinking

today

today has been ok...hung out at home, chilled out for the most part, tried to keep my cool you know..went to babysit for a while and back home and so tired right now..but a friend of the kids mom was visiting and i know her kinda you know..just in passing and well only see her a couple times a year because she lives in a different state...but i know her kids, ive watched her kids and she has been coming for years you know ..but every time she comes she asks me to come over and just see her, she talks to me about stuff but nothing serious but just funny stuff..how is it that i can see her twice a year and she tells me that she is proud of me, that i do a good job, that she loves me..i see mommy every single day, every single stupid day i see her and cant remember the last nice thing she said to me. linda asked me yesterday if mommy told me anything good or nice..and i had to think about it..it makes me feel stupid and sad to have to think about it and then not be able to come up with anything .. what is so wrong with me? what have i done that just makes me so horrible..

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.

- Delicious Ambiguity.

so frustrated and upset right now. back to the same place i was tuesday. cant finish a complete thought. to upset to figure out what im even thinking about

just stuff

in a very very removed place right now..neither good or bad i dont think..just not completely there. you know kinda that standing behind the screen door feeling..you know its there but you can see through it perfectly..just kinda cant really do anything i guess. i dont know its kinda hard to explain now..was thinking about it this morning when i realized that i was having issues with time again..thinking though it is a response to what happened yesterday with mommy and the nephew..all the stress of dealing with them fighting an then the cops coming. im glad he left and cant come back..but that didnt just make all the stress go away. it really sucks that the cops arent allowed to do anything until someone gets hurt. then they can do something but any sooner and they cant..and then when someone dies its a big big issue because the cops could have stopped it from happening i guess..and as much as i dont really like the way mommy is i cant just stand around and let someone else hit her or stuff..thats just not ok ..and i dont like the nephew anyway. but it was just hard yesterday and took a really really long time to calm down enough to even think clearly..i was already working on processing stuff from therapy and so i was thinking really fast any way about a lot of things already..and then mommy came home and her and him just wouldnt stop and leave each other alone.and it just got worse really fast and then i just couldnt deal with anything else being in my head and i couldnt get my thoughts under control enough to even feel a little bit settled and together..and it sucked becasue then i couldnt seem to get myself to calm down and finish a complete thought..hate when i stop thinking in complete sentences..because then it means that im getting all the younger fears to and that just gets overwhelming really fast

and therapy yesterday was ok i guess..asked her to wait until next month before having me come up with something to talk about for the session and she agreed to it..and i didnt even think i was serious about that until she agreed and it was like score.. but now i only have one more session of not having to think of what to talk about and thats ok..maybe i just need to get used to the idea a bit more..i dont know..she told me she will make sure not to forget either..and thats like crap shes gonna tell in again to think of something to talk about..but later on i latched on to the fact that she actually listened to me and did what i asked..gave me what i asked for..

.talked about control and stuff again..but started thinking about a lot of different stuff after leaving therapy and its just all about stuff we did as a kid..how more often than not we did what mommy wanted and just knew better than to object..tried to refuse for a while but she always won in the end...by the time i got into high school the desire to talk was gone completely..my last year of high school one of my teachers told me that my walls were to high..that i was trying really hard to protect myself..and i guess she was right..i think i managed to get through most days of school without being noticed at all..i went because it meant i wasnt at home or around mommy. but i didnt really do much more than turn in the work i had too..didnt join clubs or do anything like that..mommy took me to school and picked me up when i stopped riding the bus because of changing schools..i always called it more of being sheltered but maybe it was a lot more than that..no it was a lot more than that..because it was like being her in a way..i didnt get into trouble.. i did what i was expected to do..i was with her all the time or she knew where i was..i didnt do anything or ask to go anywhere..maybe it was just being scared..maybe it was just knowing the answer would be no and i didnt want to risk asking and then be told something mean for why i couldnt go anywhere..weekends were the worse i guess because that meant being stuck at home for two days without anywhere to go..that meant there was absolutely no way of escaping anywhere..not even being quiet could save you on the weekend..to many empty hours..
hmm i dont know..

on edge

there really are no words to describe everything that happened today. feeling really upset and hurt still about everything. to make a long story short i have changed my mind, i will start looking for a job now. i cant stay here. i really really cant and it hurts alot even honestly acknowledging that.

mommy found out how much money i made this weekend babysitting and it was a bit more than i told her, so she tells me that shes hurt i lied, that i shouldnt have to lie about how much money i make. and i wanted to laugh and agree with her because its like no i shouldnt have to lie that she was right about..but i learned a long time ago to never tell how much i really made because she always managed to get some of whatever the babysitting money was. never even had a real job until i was half way through college. but even now she knows when i get paid, how much i make, and then tells me what i need to do with my money, what i need to pay, what i should or shouldnt be doing..but she says i can do what i want to do and then turns right around and tells me what im going to do. but its not her money, and she cant really have a say in what im doing with my money, because i know im using my extra money for therapy..but she doesnt know that and its not like im asking her to borrow money for anything at all..but shes all mad and pissed off at me now for lying and its like well when did i learn to do it? that whole telling mommy the complete truth is something that i know better than to do..specially when it comes to money..i dont think its wrong at all to expect her to give me gas money when im running back and forth to take her to work on top of all my other driving for my job..it was her bright idea to tell me to go and pick up my sister..again something i had no interest in doing but i did it..so why cant i ask for gas money? why does it make me bad to ask for gas money? when im doing something for someone else? if i had volunteered to do it then yea im not expecting someone to give me money..but mommy goes and volunteers gas money and my time and then gets mad when she finds out that i have more money than i tell her about..she told me i needed to quit my job and work somewhere else to make more money..that i needed to quit today .. she just went on and on and i almost considered you know telling her where all my extra money was going and decided against it..because thats just one more thing for her to hold over me..tell me im not capable to live alone or something for being in therapy..tell me i cant leave..but then later one i started thinking about it and thinking that maybe it would be best to stop going to therapy to just stop the money questions..but then started thinking about how long it would take to end up in the hospital if stopped going to t..was already set to go see her tomorrow and tell her i wouldnt be coming back..that i just cant be helped..that i was sorry for wasting her time..but ive calmed down since then..and i know it wouldnt be a good idea to stop going completely..but now im not real sure i can let go of the idea entirely either. theres still a huge part of me that despises having to own up to behaviors, to stop them..stopping therapy sounds like a good idea a little bit..but being completely logical its like fine stop and see how long it takes to try suicide..i wouldnt last a month.and thats pretty pathetic

started freaking out on the drive home..well on the drive to pick up mommy and then go home..paranoia set in pretty quickly..kept thinking she would hit me..and kept thinking that if she did i was leaving..was really scared and couldnt focus and drive cas kept thinking about everything that might happen..but none of it happened and i can calm down completely or lower my guard because as soon as i do she will bring it all back up again..and not expecting it will be worse in some way..harder to control answers when im surprised..and now with having to take her back and forth to work again..i know it will come up..it will it will it will.. its making me feel crazy..i know something will happen but i dont know when and so the waiting will drive me crazy..i cant calm down expecting something to happen and not knowing what it is..just cant