sick day

took a day off from work..just couldnt deal with it and did wake up not feeling good. didnt last but i figure better safe than sorry lol..and its easy to make up the missed hours later in the week...but managed to get some random things done..went to the store..got a huge gash on my ankle from shaving..and it was a complete accident..and it was one of those i knew it was happening as it happened..and i dont know how it ended up going that deep but it took a long while to get the bleeding to stop..and i can look at it and deal with it in a really detached sort of way..i wasnt glad i got the cut..little disappointed i still cant manage to shave without giving myself a million nicks but this one was pretty bad and of course this is the one time i had no bandaids at all to use..should put some medicine on it though..

have been thinking a lot about therapy and all of that and i cant really say ive come up with any answers or how to make it better..but i will try and try and keep trying i guess until i figure it out..makes it seem like it will take forever that way..but i dont know anything else and linda doesnt either..and that makes me scared and not wanting to go back but its not like not talking has made things super easy or better..and i do know that its up to me now and im just lost with what to do about it..

messed around with my layout here but i dont think ill keep it..

i dont know

i dont want to babysit today..im tired..disappointed..depressed..i always hate saying that im depressed but thats what it is i guess..i just want to get stuck in something else..a book, a movie, a game something..anything that will get my head away from where its at now..

therapy was well therapy and we talked about how easy it was on tuesday because of what we were talking about...and how today it wasnt easy anymore..and i was back to having no idea about what i wanted to say..back to losing my train of thought almost constantly because i was scared and cant focus when im scared..and then im just i dont know..i dont know how many more ways i can be told that im safe there and that its ok to talk to her and to just talk in general..i know this..i really really do..and i just cant seem to convince myself of that..ive done everything but talk to her..and good grief she has read my entire journal and still i dont talk to her..i think about it all the time and every time i manage to convince myself that its ok ..i just end up changing my mind again..and i dont get it at all.because theres something that just keeps getting in the way and i dont know what it is ..because its more than just being afraid..i stopped being afraid a few months ago..and the fear is there but its just different..and i dont know how to describe it at all

feeling wanted

last night i told dee and everyone that i was planning on moving to richmond..and the response was that they told me they wanted me to stay, that i would be back, that i couldnt leave..etc..and i realized that that was the response i wanted from mommy..short of her begging me to stay..i just wanted to feel like she at least noticed that i was going to be leaving and make just a something out of it...instead it was as if my news was about as important as the weather and no one paid it much mind..and it just kinda didnt matter at all..maybe she even expects that ill be changing my mind again..or that i wont go through with it ..i dont know..but i just wanted to be acknowledged a bit..and i wasnt not with mommy..but then i tell dee and riley and harris about you would think that 5 hours away was the end of the world to them...and riley was so excited and relieved when i told him that it would most likely be a couple months before i moved anywhere since i needed to find a job..and its funny because that is the reaction i was expecting from them..they made me feel wanted and needed ...but from mommy i dont really know what i was expecting but what i got was a big big let down..and i didnt even realize it until last night because linda asked what response i was looking for from mommy and i didnt know..she asked if i had wanted her to make a big deal and i said no at the time but now i know i wanted some sort of reaction..maybe her asking me to stay or think about it a bit more or something..and instead i was just once again passed over and other stuff was more important and in a huge roundabout way its just completely upsetting ..and disappointing..

but all that aside its been a few ok days..minus tuesday morning..but other than that ive been ok..a lot calmer..slightly more focused but not really doing anything either towards finding another job..but i feel better lol..so im just trying to take it for what its worth and just going day to day and being ok with whatever it is im doing or not doing currently.

it never goes away..completely

with the conversation i had this morning with mommy my confidence has taken a blow..because according to her i have one foot in deaths door obviously for being overweight and no one will hire me because of it..yea..great conversation this morning ..but she has my best interest at heart..and i know if she had the chance she would just go back to telling me what i can and cant have and that will just lead back to all the major issues with eating and purging and all of that..worked really hard to stop the purging..and obviously provoking the thoughts again is not a good thing..her 'helping' stopped being in my best interest years ago.. because food, eating and the like has always been an all or nothing type thing..random healthy episodes mixed in with a lot of unhealthy stuff..good grief i know every freaking diet there is..have done it all and it always stops after a while..starting thinking again about purging this morning and so i know the thoughts are becoming slightly obsessive but also had to think and remember that me purging does nothing to get back at mommy at all..since i know that is what is causing the thoughts to get out of control..

it says a lot about the relationship to know that she has to corner me to tell me what she feels the need to tell me

just another lovely day in my head

it all starts again

all day ive felt the need to write and im just not really sure what i want to say..im tired and cranky because its been so hot today..and i think ive been sick the past few days but its nothing complete..its like waking in the morning and feeling bad but as the day goes on it just kinda goes away if im not thinking about..and then at night or when things are quiet not feeling good comes back..and i start and stop meds pretty quickly and am forever forgetting to take them and so its hard to figure out whats wrong.

i guess i dont know..i guess im just kinda starting to doubt the thoughts from the weekend..wondering if im doing the right thing, if now is the right time to be looking for a job and moving..about how ill never know if i dont do it..worrying about having to say goodbye to all the people i work with now once i move..and just all the stuff is pressing on me and i get stuck still wondering what im going to do..oh i just dont know..mommy mentioned yesterday that i dont know what i want and i completely agree with that..i really dont know what i want to do..i have absolutely no idea..but well maybe that will change..maybe it will be all just one big mistake..one thing that i shouldnt do..or maybe it will be the greatest thing ever..because its more depressing knowing that i can go and have it all not work out and then know that ill still be able to come back home
reoccurring thought though has been that well its been over 2 months now without cutting..closer to 6 or so i think with only one set back..but i keep forgetting to add the time before Christmas and it makes it all seem rather minimal..but its a big deal.it is and i know it is but acknowledging it is just so hard..so scary..i should feel proud or happy or something and it is nice not having to worry about new scars and cleaning cuts and all of that ..but at the same time its like saying goodbye to a really old friend and feeling just out of sorts without it...keep trying to fill the hole thats left and nothing fits into it..theres nothing that makes it all better and that makes me sad i think..i just want it to be all better ..make everything nice and happy and ok and it doesnt work like that at all..and its hard i guess..

and its sunday

well today is the day i go home..and im just wondering about it..i still have a detached feeling about going home. im wondering about how long i can drag out going home. i want to stay here but that will take some time..since i think ive decided im going to try moving here..because i think about it today and it doesnt feel me with fear..its one of those decisions that i freaked out about because i wanted it and didnt want to admit it..and im still a little worried about admitting it .. but being here and hanging out you know around richmond a bit and just seeing that its not a horrible horrible place that i had worked it up to be made me wonder if i would be ok here..i wonder how ill manage ..what ill do..i dont want to be miserable for the rest of my life..well for now id like to not be so suicidal..that would work ..and i figured out that its been a little over two months since i cut..after xmas..but if i count all my time..its been about 5 months with one moment of giving in..but its just different i think knowing that im not thinking about cutting the same way anymore..or any of it really except well all the suicidal stuff..but im guessing it will go away too..with time...and i think that..well im hoping that by the time i find another job and a place to live that ill be ok with leaving my therapist..

yep..it does count..all of it

being away gives me the time to see what life could be like..how every day does not have to be a battle to just get through it all..it doesnt have to be all about just trying to escape away from my thoughts..because even being away from home doesnt stop the sadness but its just more bearable today..but now im stuck thinking about tomorrow and that it will all be over..it will all be back to normal..and it makes it harder to enjoy the time away...because it sucks being able to know how good or okay things can be and then to just turn around and it all goes away..and im back to being not ok and its just not fair and makes me upset..because today has been really good..not counting the spurts of sad feelings..but it has been ok you know..and it just makes me feel i dont know sad or something to know that tomorrow i have to go home..that tomorrow i go back to my life and i dont want to..i want to stay here and i cant stay here either

im feeling very very confused right now. i was talking about moving last night with yvonne and asked if she would live with me again if i moved here..and she said yes..like not even thinking about it she said yes..but later on she asked if i was serious about it and i told her that i was thinking about moving but i didnt know where i wanted to go..and she told me that she thought i would would do better moving farther away from mommy and i know that i do but i guess it was juts a surprise that she agreed so readily to living with me again or all the stuff she told me about thinking it would be better for me to be farther away from mommy..it only takes about 5 hours to get to richmond and thats where i would have to move if i wanted to live with yvonne again..but i guess it just kinda threw me because i asked and wasnt sure of the answer and im not disappointed at all with what she told me..but now im just wondering even more about what i want to do..wondering if i would really consider moving up here..becasue i could just as easily get an apartment alone and just be in the area or in va in general..and maybe not richmond specifically..but we are going there today for a little bit and ill see what i think about it..because i dont know..i was so dead set against living in a big city and to me richmond is a big city and it just puts me on edge..but theres a college there and so maybe its not as bad as im thinking it is..and its not like ive ever even been to richmond! so i have no idea what im basing my judgements on at all. maybe its just that i know i grew up in the city and then moved to the middle of no where and i wonder about my ability to just be in the city because of crowds and worrying about getting lost and all of that..and im sure new york is so not the same as richmond and its no where near what wilmington is like or rocky point ..but its just different and maybe thats all i dont like about it .. well change just isnt big on my list right now..and then comes the task of stopping therapy..which is its own set of problems ..starting over..with all of it..still wonder if i moved and stopped therapy would i even go back again..heck would i even be able to go back because im learning that money wise im getting a heck of a good deal with my current therapist and im paying out of pocket because i had forgotten how expensive therapy can be since im not having to pay full price for a session..im not sure at all that i would like billing therapy through insurance because then they would have to be told some of what is wrong or what we talk about and i dont like that at all..but thinking about it now im not sure how well i would do moving to a place where i didnt know anyone at all..i know when i lived in sc that i didnt do anything at all to make friends and yeah my social skills and talking are way not good..and i get scared to easily to even begin to do anything of the sort..but i already know yvonne and im meeting her bf today..my only other real choice would be indiana and thats really far away from mommy..but again still it would be a completely new place..new surroundings..being on my own..and im just doubting my ability to make it i guess..once i move id rather not come back you know..not sure id be able to deal with coming back

thinking

im still thinking..about everything and im thinking that everything is becoming some sort of an excuse..i want to move, i know that more than anything and that hasnt changed for the past year and a half..but instead im letting myself stay here..im letting myself settle and that worries me. a lot actually. all of those negative thoughts gets mixed into not wanting to upset some sort of balance that is going on..but its not really a good balance at all..i think of what i want and its all sketchy once again..im so peaceful right this minute..im calmer..my head isnt driving me to anything and i guess im more aware of what is going on around me..and its because im not at home..its because once im not at home im this completely capable person..im enough..and being scared of something doesnt get in the way..because once im alone then the thoughts of just wanting to hide and be quiet are stronger..but somehow i manage to make myself get out a little..i can do small things by myself..like going and getting breakfast although i was freaking out and nervous about it..and i was nervous because it was something i had to do by myself..and i almost managed to talk myself out of it be cause i get nervous and paranoid at times..but its not like anyone here knows me..its not like ill see any of these people ever again and so it shouldnt matter...but it does and i know its because mommy has gotten me so accustomed to being picked apart about everything..and it just makes me nervous and i get scared to be around someone i dont know..and so i dont know..but even with all of that im perfectly find being on my own..capable of taking care of myself..and i want to keep saying im not ready for another job..i can say im comfortable in my job with the people i work with..i can say that im going to miss riley and harris so so much..but if i dont like going home..or if im always thinking of ways to die then whats it worth to stay .. its not worth it to stay is it ? its not ok to let someone just walk all over me or guilt me into doing stuff i dont want to do. its not a good way to live..it makes me not want to live..and thats not good

where i would like to be

no idea where i took this picture at..but its nice :) and rather peaceful to look at

trip

finally its the day to leave..i need to get away, just a small break, give myself some time to think and be alone partially..and just chill out..4 days of absolute freedom..better enjoy it while i can because im sure it wont happen again until summer get here.

Americas next top model makes my life better

so much for doing anything

she goes out of her way to just make me miserable..she does it on purpose..she does it to be mean and make me upset for no good reason..i hate her :'( no i will never ever ever forget that i dont want to be here. i wont i wont i wont ..shes being extra mean tonight because im going out of town tomorrow..because i wont be here for a few days so i guess she has to just be as mean as possible until im gone..all night its been one thing after another..yes i know i have to clean up..god ive been told 10 times today alone that i need to clean..god i just want to pick up and leave and so everything i was thinking of this morning doesnt make sense anymore because i want to leave right now and not wait and i cant leave right now and its all just stupid..try to stay calm but feeling very very angry..wishing i was anywhere else right now..i wish it was tomorrow so i can just leave

soooo getting away

well its finally all said and done well kinda since im leaving tomorrow whether anyone has anything to say about it or not..ill be gone..and i really think im more excited about my random day at the beach than anything else. and im even more of a dork for thinking that this is the first trip in forever that ive been on alone..doesnt count that im going to visit someone..but just ingeneral you know ill have to get myself there, ill have to check in to the hotels and keep myself busy..without having someone else there to tell me what i should or shouldnt do..its so odd .. realizing that im seriously lacking in the social area..i wonder what ive done with my life..ok wel ilook back and cant remember my life..thats fun

but on to another topic..i was thinking about the pictures i took to therapy with me..and i look at them and there is no connection at all to the pictures of when i was younger. i look at them and what to know what was going on and what i was doing before, after, during, but i look at the pictures and there is nothing..no reaction, no happiness, no sadness, no anything, its just a picture thats all..but i look at pictures where i can remember and there is always a reaction..a good one if its a picture i allowed to be taken! but i know what happened, i can look at the picture and smile or talk about what happened..but thats only with older pictures..like the last couple years pictures..anything before that and its like theres no connection at all

jobs

i was thinking today about all the job stuff again and realized that i dont really think im ready for another job right now..and thats why trying to do anything to get another job just stressed me out and i ended up not doing anything .. i worried about everything but it never included actually getting a job..and today i guess i figured out what was underneath it all, driving all the worries ... and now i know..i wont let myself do anything to get another job because right now i just know im not ready for it..but i wonder if thats setting me up to be stuck forever..or ill forget that i need to move..but i dont think ill forget that either .. but i dont know..

stupid stuff

something has to change. something always has to change. i dont like that i cant even deal with being at home anymore..this was a weekend that left me wondering why i even bother in the first place..i know that i need to leave, that regardless of what everyone says or wants me to do i need to leave.but i just get caught up in everything else..and listen to what everyone wants me to do and wonder how i could leave..i tend to forget the their life will go on if im here or not..there will always be someone else to step in and fill my spot and everything will go on...its not as if the world will stop if i say i wont do something..and in trying to keep everyone else happy i just kinda keep forgetting that there are things i want to..that would probably explain why im always forgetting what it is i want..one moment to the next and i cant remember what it is i want to do..thoughts about moving and staying come and go pretty consistently ..and i always want it and then i dont anymore..and then i start to wonder how long it will take for me to try to kill myself because once i start thinking about it then its hard to stop it again ..and its always there anyway..just depends on how hard im thinking about it..reoccurring thought that never really goes away..and its pretty depressing to think that i cant even trust myself to go to work and not take pills..ok not steal pills because that makes me feel guilty..have to keep telling myself that it is stealing and its bad and ill be in a heck of a lot of trouble for doing it..all of it is frustrating..because im going out of town for the weekend and wondering seriously if ill even come back..always hard coming back...leaving and coming back is never a good thing..

i will die here wont i? i dont know i guess thats a pretty random question to be asking and even more random to expect someone to answer it for me.

just more of the same

feeling rather sad today. i dont know why though..maybe its just to many late nights and then not being able to sleep later than 7 because i keep getting up at 7. and im tired and not feeling good atall.

ended up babysitting yesterday .. i hadnt planned on going over there but then i got a message saying that he needed me cas he needed a friend and so i went and hung out with him..and we went to lunch and to a movie..and then i just hung out at there house for the night after i wasnt babysitting anymore..we watched madagascar 2..it was pretty funny.. i think mommy was pretty mad at me for staying over there..but what am i going to do at home thats so thrilling ? all i do here is stay on the computer in my room anyway..but it was just one of those conversations where she didnt really say what she wanted to but i know she was mad..also frustrates me a lot dealing with money with her..why does she insist on asking how much i get paid if it has nothing to do with her? what is so very important that she has to know?

its not fair and then like yesterday when the kids i babysits mom asked me about my job and how it was going and then mentions that maybe i should just keep that job and keep babysitting and i cant argue with that because with babysitting i make all my spending money and stuff..and it keeps me going..but then just the huge desire not to be here is still there and im back to not knowing what to do..i cant stick to one idea at all..and it is really frustrating and disheartening .. part wants to stay. part wants to go. part wants to die ok ignore that part

disappointed

i dont think well i dont really know what im thinking today, just really disappointed with everything right now. i cant believe i just completely flaked on finishing paperwork, what in the world was i thinking because it took forever to start turning it in on time again..good grief and now its like ill be right back to where i was again a few months ago when i just completely didnt care and stopped turning any of it in..but i cant just wake up on morning and decide that i dont want to care anymore. it cant work like that because that will just get me in a whole lot of trouble since when i stop caring i kinda just dont really pay attention to anything and i do stuff but its like im just not into it completely..i dont know feeling weird today and just not happy with things..funny cas i was thinking this morning that im not suicidal at all you know and now its like well im not but im back to feeling sad..and given enough time the sadness with grow into something else..im starting to feel incredibly closed in again..maybe its trapped but i dont know what exactly has me trapped currently..everything is depressing lately and i need to stop watching the news at work because it is just horrible..someone is always dying or some kid is on trial for murder..and on and on and on..you would think they would something happier to put on the news or something..im tired and really cold right now..i think incredibly is my newest favorite word..or maybe its going to be irrevocably since twilight is coming out in a matter of weeks and i can quit asking henry to find me a bootleg copy of it. cant even put a finger on why i like the movie so much but anyhoo it comes out soon and then i can watch it as many times as i want to.

have been thinking a lot about everything i guess lately..i dont know ..i think about stuff for a while and then its gone before i really figure any of it out..makes life entertaining and so frustrating ..because im sure it was important since i was rambling on about it to myself but if i try to stop it and write it down then i forget what i was thinking about..im sure most of what i have been thinking about is all the stuff from therapy..which is a pretty broad subject to just sit and think about..but it does take a lot of time..and you know im doing a pretty good job distracting myself from something but i dont know what it is. maybe i really dont know how to say anything about stuff at home, maybe ive spent way to much time trying to work it all out and make it all better that actually having to talk about it and really pay attention to it makes me not want to do it..currently all of it is just being fed into a funnel type thing..ha makes me think of a tornado ..but its just moving to fast and its all smashed together and its just really hard to pull anything out and talk about it ..i can watch it all move, gosh ive been watching it all in various states for so long, ive never had to figure out how to stop it..and now i have to stop it and im not even sure thats possible..

nope still cant get any thing out

just ugh

and have calmed down since the wake up issues this morning..sent linda the most evasive email possible .. seriously not sure the two sentences i wrote will make sense at all! but its sent now .. and so now im going to work on getting errands done, and going home and working on paperwork until i have to see my afternoon person..ill have to leave a little early from him but that will be ok..can make that time up easy..have to work friday now to make up missing my morning person today..but i got the kids off to school on time and there house is cleaned up and so im done until tonight when i have to come back..
its on monday..not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing

frustrated with the ipod

my ipod is still nice and great and completely the coolest thing ive ever had but it is just frustrating getting it hooked up to the computer. it worked yesterday on dees laptop but it does not install on mmy computer and it sucks ..i mean i could use dees computer but its just not the same..i want it on my computer and its not working and it was frustrating last night and still is this morning

pretty cool :)

i have a purple ipod :)

it was my nice thing for well i dont know why but i wanted one and could afford it after paying all my bills for the month! and its really nice ! and im excited

now i remember what i was going to write about .

my cl is getting some of her hours back! i wont have to take another cl to make up the lost time..but it will be like april before my paychecks are back to normal..the way the pay is done is so confusing because its a month behind..so in march im getting paid for febs hours and so on..which is mice in some ways but oh so confusing if i dont keep track of it..but they are also working to get this specific cl into a group home which makes me sad but she could so use it..it would get her around ppl her age..and the structure would be nice but then i wont work with her anymore and would have to get another cl if she did get placed..but for now im not goin to worry to much..and ill wait and see how it goes..maybe if i have to stop working with her ill just elect to really get another job ..since i keep not looking like i should..but then i freak out about non work stuff and wonder how ill manage a red job..blah..i dont know. but yea that was semi good news yesterday.

once again im the last one to know what my schedule will be :( hate that.. but everyone is going out of town and im suddenly in charge of everything else..so im babysitting tonight and tomorrow and spending the night..and then on monday i have to be there super early to get them up and ready for school and spend the night then too and take them to school on tuesday..and in all of this is my usual work schedule that im not changing because its not fair..and i guess i shouldnt complain since it means more extra money..and its nice to be able to catch up with bills..but its just everyone assumes i will do it..and i want to just say no and go and do something else but thats not the way things go.. and just all the little stuff like not being home and having to slightly pack and get stuff to go over there and i could be there longer than planned and dusti will have to have plenty of food and everything and getting work stuff cas that has to be finished ahead of time..and errands all over town that i need to run today..and yea schedule just got a lot fuller! was annoyed earlier about my brother and mommy completely telling me i needed to do his fin aid stuff for him..i had already told my brother i wasnt going to do it.but mommy tells me today that its due today and so i have to do it and i have to get it in..it took about 30 mins to find everything and get the info entered and i just wonder why no one else can do it? how is it that im the only one thats good enough to fill out the info..and its not even mine?! but mommy did thank me for doing it..got no response from me on it but whatever

im worried

i guess im ok

i keep trying to write and my mind keeps wandering on to other stuff and i dont want to write what im thinking about anyway. im ok just sad, tired, just lost i guess..i saw linda yesterday and it feels like it was forever ago.it feels like waiting another day and a few hours will be overwhelming.and idont want to do it. how can going two times a week not be enough to keep me ok? and now ive been given permission to call inbetween sessions just to touch base before things get really bad and im worried ill just call and call and call because i wont know what else to do..and i dont want to be a bother..but i know until friday i will refuse to call her..just because im still not sure how i feel about it ..not really..i know it will be helpful but knowing it and putting the knowledge to good use are not the same thing..i dont like it because it is like admitting that something is wrong..and i stop myself because i get scared..i dont like needing help.. i refuse to lose control..and at the same time im about half way between giving up control and maybe thats the part of it that im just not liking. i dont want to be needy person but someone pointed out to me last night while chatting that im not getting validation/support/caring from anyone else..and until she said it i hadnt figured that out i guess..but i want it so so much and i know that linda can only give so much..and i dont know what to do about it..yes i need her and want her to help and im awfully glad she can keep track of what the boundaries are because i cant..i dont know whats ok and whats not ok..i know the basics..i learned all that in school..i know what is acceptable and what isnt but at the same time i dont want to know it because it makes things difficult..obviously i cant go home with linda and i want to ..i want hugs from her but i cant ask for them.. i dont know how to ask for what i need because it makes me embarrassed to need something like that..i get hugs and stuff from riley and harris and the kids i work with and am around but its not the same..and with everyone else im still really stuck in dont touch me mode..and im not even sure i can let down my guard enough to accept a hug from her..its all confusing..

all gone

no more pills. it took me almost 3 hours to get rid of them but i did and i dont like it at all :(

...

i really wish i had good or nice or even helpful to say.

ive been looking at this and trying to figure out what to say and cant come up with anything at all. today hasnt been good. the pills i have been keeping were to much of a temptation today. managed to go to work but really didnt care about that today, did not want to be at work at all. but it was safer being at work that being at home. called linda because i was worried. really worried that i would do something not good without the intent to die. talked to her and the options were getting rid of the pills or hospital stuff. and i still refuse the hospital, its just not a possibility. but didnt want to get rid of the pills either and she asked me to call her back when i got off of work and was at home again. she called me before i talked myself into calling her back..but i talked to her a bit and agreed to get rid of the pills and then i see her tomorrow anyway..not sure how i feel about any of it and its so confusing because i was ok all weekend, had a decent weekend and this morning things were just not ok anymore..and i wanted the pills but its like what i was thinking wasnt mine at all..just thoughts that were in my head and that i wanted to act on because they were so convincing..

im still waiting to get rid of the pills
i dont want to die but i want the pills
but ive promised to get rid of them and i will
just still working up to it i guess

today is better. linda did help..and it was helpful telling her about the pills and the not plan thats not really happening and so on..talked some about tuesday to and how hard it was..and left her feeling better..also promised to not take the pills i had and to not go and take anymore from where i am currently getting them from..and she added in that i was not to go and get them from anywhere else either..and its pretty funny because as i was promising all this stuff i was still trying to figure out how to get around all of it..and then she went and changed it and i had to stop trying .and its pretty interesting because she asked what i wanted to do about it when i refused to agree to get rid of them..and its like i dont know but i told her not to worry..and she said she trusted me enough to know that i would stick to what we had agreed too..and i really do want her to trust me..wondered how i had earned that trust but anyway it was ok today..

i really am feeling better, but i know that it will most likely be important to kinda stay busy this weekend. not get stuck with to much free time when im not doing anything because im sure the okness may be shortlived and i dont want to help it along any. but home today since i dont have to work and i think ill just take it easy, get caught up on mail and stuff, have to clean up and whatnot as i was reminded of at 6 this morning but not going to complain about that because its not all that important..mommy can do her thing and i will do mine..maybe i will actually make it to the movies this weekend. really want to see a whole bunch of movies lol..but i will figure out something small to do each day just to get out of the house. specially now since the urge to not do anything is pretty strong.

things really are not ok

realized today that ive been collecting pills..to do what with i dont know but i have them all the same..

more hopeful collages

click to make them bigger!

collages - the not really hopeful ones

stupid

just feeling upset. feelings are hurt. alot well feel hurt anyway but then maybe im not
should have figured sooner or later mommy would let me know what i had been doing that bothered her for the week. most of it centered around my driving and speeding and having a car crash ..well the possibility of a car crash from my driving and that my car would end up in a ditch somewhere and its prolly not good that my response to it was well ok im sure you wouldnt care anyway ..but then the conversation moved on to what i had picked to wear today and why i needed to go and change because it didnt cover the scars on my chest completely..and she didnt want anyone asking questions..because she was so concerned and so worried..you know im sorry ive just managed to ruin her life so much.. how is it not important what i feel about the whole thing? the scars are on my body not hers..im the one that gets to deal with the questions not her..but its her problem..its her concern..its all about her, it always is and then what i think or want or feel just dont matter at all..because the question should have been how come you picked to wear that shirt today..or are you comfortable in the shirt..not go and change..shes concerned all right..shes concerned about if ill be seen as crazy or she will be called a bad parent or something..could care less about what i felt about any of it..because to her i stop a long time ago and it was just because of stress in school and everything and thats it..would hate to pop her bubble not that she would listen to me anyway..

anger makes the feelings of wanting to cut much stronger
sadness makes the feelings of wanting to die much stronger
being unable to decide just makes it worse all around

something ive never done

i started thinking today about how much i wanted to go camping and how much ive just been wanting to get away for a bit..just in general and wondering what i could do or where i could go..and i finally started thinking about taking a trip back to cumberland island..in georgia..a 7 hour drive from where i live and the fees and everything to go camping would be under $50 at the most...and so all i would need to do was worry about gas money and all the stuff i needed to take with me..and go from there..and its still just all in the planning stages but i think i really want to do it..i miss camping and cumberland was the most peaceful place ive ever been..i dont know yet if im going alone but i think it would be ok to go alone..not like many ppl can just take off for a week like i can cas my job is incredibly flexible..and if i want to go somewhere i can..but that would mean missing a week of work again! because i want to camp during the week when theres a lesser chance of being around a whole lot of ppl..but then i have to figure out everything i would possibly need to camp for a week..and then how much for gas and maybe a hotel for a night cas cold showers are ok for a few days but then its a pain lol..but ive never taken a trip completely alone..to spend time alone..its different..but i really do want to do it..

its fun because its the last thing anyone would ever expect me to do..just get tired of being told what i should and shouldnt do..if im an adult then i can do whatever i want too..and i guess its about time i started doing stuff i like to do..

today kinda sucked

ust very very very upset right now..having a hard time today with anger in general..so hard to control the feelings .. its just been one thing after another and if waking up at 3:30 to take mommy to work wasnt enough she volunteers me to stay the night tonight and now everyone is all worried that i wont have the kids ready for school tomorrow and that is just stupid..and work was a hassle and the girl was just having a day with things..and it was frustrating and then her mom is making plans for stuff for us to do which just means ill be running her errands with her my cl just gets to go along for the ride and i hate that..but ok..and then mommy calls me in the middle of work to let me know that i need to come and get her and no matter how many times i say i will be done with work at 3 no its not good enough and she just keep telling me i need to come and get her and she can run errands with us but i dont want that either and it was all stupid so what do i do??? go against everything i wanted to do and what made sense to do and go and pick up mommy in the middle of my job and take her around with my cl and her mom which could in a sense get me fired because im not supposed to do that but it doesnt matter at all because as long as mommy has her way then things are just peachy and what i have to say just isnt important at all and all the running around ive been doing to accommodate everyone just isnt enough and im sick of driving and taking ppl places and i hate having to plan around what mommys schedule is because this is the second time she has demanded that i come and get in the middle of me work day like i can just drop everything to come and get her..its not my fault her car isnt working and its not my job to make sure she can go places..because she wants to do everything for everyone and then complain about not having mommy and then starts wanting to know where my money is going and im not telling her and that just makes her even more mad and i dont care..and its all pointless..she tells me to do something and then goes and does it anyway..then tells me not to be mad..how stupid does she assume i am that i cant even use a vaccumm correctly and that i need to be checked behind on it..how many ways can you say you dont trust me when you go behind me and check what i said about something ..yea that makes me feel just freakin great

hmmm

im tired tonight but thats ok. have to take mommy to work tomorrow morning but thats ok you know...had a long conversation today with well myself about picking my battles..and it came up after mommy started hounding me about my taxes again..and how she was going to go with me and when i needed to do them and it is frustrating..it was frustrating and ii told her what i had planned to do and she didnt listen of course..and i just stopped trying to explain myself and let her have her say..kept telling myself that it was ok and that it wasnt something that i needed to be upset over because its the same argument every week..money is one of those things that there is just no point in even trying to argue with mommy about..because i wont cave and tell her where my money is going and she keeps telling me what i need to be doing with my money..but i think i did ok you know..but i noticed that if i slack off even a little bit on reminding myself what is ok and what isnt ok with mommy then the old thoughts start creeping back in and takes over and then i just kinda give up..the old thoughts are so automatic that it is just disappointing at how easy it is to get stuck in them...all i have to do is just lose focus and its like i was never even trying you know..its so hard to keep focused on something like that..was in the car at the time and when i started to drift off i made myself refocus on the music playing until i got my head back under control..and then it just started all over again..

Growth

I was cleaning out my bag tonight and pulled out the razors that i have been holding onto for months..i had them and could have done any number of things with them but in all the months i carried them around in my bag i only used them once, after christmas. Then tonight when I was looking through my bag and cleaning it out I found the razors again and just started thinking about if i needed them or not. I dont htink i need them anymore, I dont want them anymore. So I threw them away, and it took a while to do it, second guessed myself a million times and wasnt sure if i was really wanting to go through with it or not. In the end i threw them away, all of them and manage to walk away from them. Writing this now makes me wonder if I will be ok, if ill be able to keep telling myself that I no longer need them. and im not sure. but maybe thats the whole point, if i was sure about it then it would have been a lot easier to throw them away months ago. if it wasnt a struggle then there would be no point in doing any of it. This time I do feel proud of myself, because the choice was mine, i didnt need anyone to tell me what the right or wrong thing to do was. i am okay with what i did.

I realized tonight that growing up really doesnt have anything at all to do with age, well in a literal sense it does. Its all the stuff that you do that doesnt get noticed I think, that makes it more important. Doing the things you know will make you happy, taking care of yourself. I know I am fully capable of living on my own, of being safe. I know there is more to life than what I have settled for and I know i have settled into a comfort zone that I am afraid to step out of. Change is always so very scary for me, but Im tired of all of it now. Not in a suicidal way mind you, but just thinking maybe change is good right now. Im tired of all the arguing and being upset, of being so easily manipulated into feeling completely horrible for no concrete reason and i let it happen. ive let it happen for so long without noticing what was going on. and now im learning that it doesnt have to be that way. That its ok to take care of myself. talking about stuff is still really iffy and way at the bottom of the list of things im going to be doing. but at least its on the list! its just that i always think to myself that i would never allow anyone to hit me ever again but then i let mommy yell at me like im not even there and its in a way doing the same thing, getting the same result i guess. both hurt in a some way, both leave me feeling horrible. why stop one and not the other? Why is one ok and one not?

just thinking

today

today has been ok...hung out at home, chilled out for the most part, tried to keep my cool you know..went to babysit for a while and back home and so tired right now..but a friend of the kids mom was visiting and i know her kinda you know..just in passing and well only see her a couple times a year because she lives in a different state...but i know her kids, ive watched her kids and she has been coming for years you know ..but every time she comes she asks me to come over and just see her, she talks to me about stuff but nothing serious but just funny stuff..how is it that i can see her twice a year and she tells me that she is proud of me, that i do a good job, that she loves me..i see mommy every single day, every single stupid day i see her and cant remember the last nice thing she said to me. linda asked me yesterday if mommy told me anything good or nice..and i had to think about it..it makes me feel stupid and sad to have to think about it and then not be able to come up with anything .. what is so wrong with me? what have i done that just makes me so horrible..

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.

- Delicious Ambiguity.

so frustrated and upset right now. back to the same place i was tuesday. cant finish a complete thought. to upset to figure out what im even thinking about

just stuff

in a very very removed place right now..neither good or bad i dont think..just not completely there. you know kinda that standing behind the screen door feeling..you know its there but you can see through it perfectly..just kinda cant really do anything i guess. i dont know its kinda hard to explain now..was thinking about it this morning when i realized that i was having issues with time again..thinking though it is a response to what happened yesterday with mommy and the nephew..all the stress of dealing with them fighting an then the cops coming. im glad he left and cant come back..but that didnt just make all the stress go away. it really sucks that the cops arent allowed to do anything until someone gets hurt. then they can do something but any sooner and they cant..and then when someone dies its a big big issue because the cops could have stopped it from happening i guess..and as much as i dont really like the way mommy is i cant just stand around and let someone else hit her or stuff..thats just not ok ..and i dont like the nephew anyway. but it was just hard yesterday and took a really really long time to calm down enough to even think clearly..i was already working on processing stuff from therapy and so i was thinking really fast any way about a lot of things already..and then mommy came home and her and him just wouldnt stop and leave each other alone.and it just got worse really fast and then i just couldnt deal with anything else being in my head and i couldnt get my thoughts under control enough to even feel a little bit settled and together..and it sucked becasue then i couldnt seem to get myself to calm down and finish a complete thought..hate when i stop thinking in complete sentences..because then it means that im getting all the younger fears to and that just gets overwhelming really fast

and therapy yesterday was ok i guess..asked her to wait until next month before having me come up with something to talk about for the session and she agreed to it..and i didnt even think i was serious about that until she agreed and it was like score.. but now i only have one more session of not having to think of what to talk about and thats ok..maybe i just need to get used to the idea a bit more..i dont know..she told me she will make sure not to forget either..and thats like crap shes gonna tell in again to think of something to talk about..but later on i latched on to the fact that she actually listened to me and did what i asked..gave me what i asked for..

.talked about control and stuff again..but started thinking about a lot of different stuff after leaving therapy and its just all about stuff we did as a kid..how more often than not we did what mommy wanted and just knew better than to object..tried to refuse for a while but she always won in the end...by the time i got into high school the desire to talk was gone completely..my last year of high school one of my teachers told me that my walls were to high..that i was trying really hard to protect myself..and i guess she was right..i think i managed to get through most days of school without being noticed at all..i went because it meant i wasnt at home or around mommy. but i didnt really do much more than turn in the work i had too..didnt join clubs or do anything like that..mommy took me to school and picked me up when i stopped riding the bus because of changing schools..i always called it more of being sheltered but maybe it was a lot more than that..no it was a lot more than that..because it was like being her in a way..i didnt get into trouble.. i did what i was expected to do..i was with her all the time or she knew where i was..i didnt do anything or ask to go anywhere..maybe it was just being scared..maybe it was just knowing the answer would be no and i didnt want to risk asking and then be told something mean for why i couldnt go anywhere..weekends were the worse i guess because that meant being stuck at home for two days without anywhere to go..that meant there was absolutely no way of escaping anywhere..not even being quiet could save you on the weekend..to many empty hours..
hmm i dont know..

on edge

there really are no words to describe everything that happened today. feeling really upset and hurt still about everything. to make a long story short i have changed my mind, i will start looking for a job now. i cant stay here. i really really cant and it hurts alot even honestly acknowledging that.

mommy found out how much money i made this weekend babysitting and it was a bit more than i told her, so she tells me that shes hurt i lied, that i shouldnt have to lie about how much money i make. and i wanted to laugh and agree with her because its like no i shouldnt have to lie that she was right about..but i learned a long time ago to never tell how much i really made because she always managed to get some of whatever the babysitting money was. never even had a real job until i was half way through college. but even now she knows when i get paid, how much i make, and then tells me what i need to do with my money, what i need to pay, what i should or shouldnt be doing..but she says i can do what i want to do and then turns right around and tells me what im going to do. but its not her money, and she cant really have a say in what im doing with my money, because i know im using my extra money for therapy..but she doesnt know that and its not like im asking her to borrow money for anything at all..but shes all mad and pissed off at me now for lying and its like well when did i learn to do it? that whole telling mommy the complete truth is something that i know better than to do..specially when it comes to money..i dont think its wrong at all to expect her to give me gas money when im running back and forth to take her to work on top of all my other driving for my job..it was her bright idea to tell me to go and pick up my sister..again something i had no interest in doing but i did it..so why cant i ask for gas money? why does it make me bad to ask for gas money? when im doing something for someone else? if i had volunteered to do it then yea im not expecting someone to give me money..but mommy goes and volunteers gas money and my time and then gets mad when she finds out that i have more money than i tell her about..she told me i needed to quit my job and work somewhere else to make more money..that i needed to quit today .. she just went on and on and i almost considered you know telling her where all my extra money was going and decided against it..because thats just one more thing for her to hold over me..tell me im not capable to live alone or something for being in therapy..tell me i cant leave..but then later one i started thinking about it and thinking that maybe it would be best to stop going to therapy to just stop the money questions..but then started thinking about how long it would take to end up in the hospital if stopped going to t..was already set to go see her tomorrow and tell her i wouldnt be coming back..that i just cant be helped..that i was sorry for wasting her time..but ive calmed down since then..and i know it wouldnt be a good idea to stop going completely..but now im not real sure i can let go of the idea entirely either. theres still a huge part of me that despises having to own up to behaviors, to stop them..stopping therapy sounds like a good idea a little bit..but being completely logical its like fine stop and see how long it takes to try suicide..i wouldnt last a month.and thats pretty pathetic

started freaking out on the drive home..well on the drive to pick up mommy and then go home..paranoia set in pretty quickly..kept thinking she would hit me..and kept thinking that if she did i was leaving..was really scared and couldnt focus and drive cas kept thinking about everything that might happen..but none of it happened and i can calm down completely or lower my guard because as soon as i do she will bring it all back up again..and not expecting it will be worse in some way..harder to control answers when im surprised..and now with having to take her back and forth to work again..i know it will come up..it will it will it will.. its making me feel crazy..i know something will happen but i dont know when and so the waiting will drive me crazy..i cant calm down expecting something to happen and not knowing what it is..just cant

confusion as usual

just tired of all of it. dont want to deal with any of it. and to a point when around mommy for to long something just has to shut down, stop reacting to her, stop making trouble in a way i guess. stop listening, stop thinking, just agree with everything and let it go. but of course its the letting it go part that never completely works. i hate being treated like im stupid or completely incapable of doing anything at all. i dont need step by step directions to go mail a letter, i dont need to be told what way to drive to avoid traffic because im a bad driver. and i dont think im that bad of a driver anyway but its been over two years with my license and im still treated like i dont know what im doing and its worse when she is actually in the car with me. and then nights like last night happen where she is just mean and pushy with everyone. we stopped to pick up food to take home and she was just so rude about her food because it wasnt what she wanted, she stood at the check out line and made comments about everything they were doing for 20 mins. i told her it was mean, nia told her it was mean but she didnt care at all. it was pretty bad. told l her you cant go and treat ppl like that. not that it mattered. it doesnt make sense to me at all. all that stuff going on and it just makes me think about why im even bothering to stay. because i listen to her on the phone with other ppl telling them what they need to do, and that its important to do what they want and be happy and all this stuff and its like holy cow how is it that you can go and tell someone else that and just ignore what i want to do? shes never told me that i could do what i wanted to do. never once said anything like that to me. shes told me plenty of times what i need to do or what i should be doing. i dont know what ive done to make her not like me so much .. but then just started thinking about moving and all of that again and what i want to do because obviously mommy really just wants me to stay here and that is not going to happen either. every time sticking it out gets shorter and shorter. wanting to stay and try is just kinda slipping away because it is to hard to stay and constantly be yelled at. ok so maybe t is starting to get through to me. choice is mine, just have to make it and im not i will make the right choice. worried about what will happen after moving, where will we go, what will i be doing? stuff that shouldnt matter as much right now and it does..ive skipped the entire actually get a new job part or how long it will take or any of that. and im not counting in how long it will take to find a new job ... i forget about all of those parts. i just want to go..i almost dont care if i have a job or not..but thats a not ok plan..not having a job wont make things any easier at all..i should be happy i have a job even..but im back to part time and no real way to add in another person and that makes it hard to add on more hours..so no guess once again i dont know what to do really. hmm ok i know what to do but im not sure ill be able to do it. but being trapped here isnt the best idea either.

didnt sleep very good last night..dont know why just kept waking up. finally gave up a bit again and just got up. im so tired though, i want to sleep because if im still sleep then im not having to think of anything.

...

i dont understand the purpose behind upsetting someone on purpose..upsetting them just to get the expected reaction..

its all confusing and not fair
:(

from yesterday

today really was a pretty ok day in general. therapy was hard because couldnt seem to talk when i was asked what i wanted to talk about. i dont know why that happens. i did manage to tell her about my teacher though. and then we just talked about power and control and stuff with mommy. not sure yet what i think about it all though. thinking about a lot of different things, a lot of old stuff that went on and i think it counts as you know taking power i think :-/ maybe a control issue i dont know yet. but anyhoo it was hard but not horrible. ive done worse thats for sure.

ok since couldnt finish this last night thanks to harris playing around with wanting to get on the comp..guess ill finish it now while they are still in bed.

mm yesterday. well my hours are being messed with again :( something but authorization and whatnot so i cant go certain days and its so stressful because i hate hate surprise schedule changes..but ok fine..sometime next week im gonna have to go and let them know i need more hours..not sure yet how ill be fitting them in..but yea more hours would be good. and the girl i was working with yesterday actually had a productive day. i was so excited..she was up and already doing stuff when i got there..i didnt have to talk to her again about finishing her chores on time to do something fun..and so yesterday we got to go to the library, the arbortreum, and the mall to get free trees. the mall thing was pretty cool and they were giving away seedlings and so we got 10 trees for her aunt cas well i wasnt to interested in it. but still a good thing you know. would have liked one but with mommy and being home, not real sure about just planting a tree in the yard..but it was still fun..and thats the most we have done in ages!! so it was nice. and then i had to babysit and i spent the night and pretty much started falling asleep at 9 go figure lol..but both riley and harris kept waking me up cas we were watching the incredibles ...again..and they kept waking me up for the parts i like..and then i had to tuck them in and told them good night a bazillion times and promised to make pancakes and bacon for breakfast lol..and then they went to sleep..

but not home you know..thats good. been even longer since i havent been home all weekend. dont think im spending the night tonight and will have to go home but still its been a nice break..

sad

I got an email today from one of my college professors that I still stay in contact with. She let me know that one of my teachers, my favoritest teacher out of all of my years of college died over the weekend. I dont know what im supposed to do, how to deal with it, handle it. The funeral is to far away and I cant go. Im not even sure what to write back to the teacher that emailed me.


My teacher stuck with me the entire time I was in the school of social work, she stuck up for me, believed in me and my abilities completely. She knew to call on me if she wanted an answer because I didnt talk in class. She knew about the cutting and therapy and let me know she cared. I spent hours in her office just hanging out, helping her with her classes. She listened to me when I talked to her, she let me sit in on one of her grad school classes and didnt laugh at me when I told her the students in the class sucked because I knew it and they didnt and I was just the lowly undergrad. She was such a big help and now shes not there anymore :(

it really doesnt matter what i do or say..im wrong very very wrong. shes right and im wrong and bad and mean and horrible and i dont know. doesnt matter. tired of crying about it. headache wont go away after earlier today when it was all laid out for me from mommy..about how i only care about me, how much im mean and rude..how i have to many secrets..it went on and on and on..at some point i stopped listening..just kinda went away..couldnt deal with it all anymore..cept it doesnt matter cas the effect is still the same..the thoughts are all over the place and today turned into every other day this past week..stupid me for trying to be ok ..stupid me for thinking i mattered at all and was an adult..ive forgotten what its supposed to be like at home and have been talking to much..saying all the wrong things..would be easier if i would just shut up and do what i was told to do and not argue..go back to being quiet and good and whatever it is im supposed to be..kept thinking why dont u just hit me and get it out of your system..would go faster..would be easier..cant figure out what im thinking about..cas its all not good anyway..i dont want to talk anymore..i dont want to go to therapy..i dont want to do anything at all

....

not really ok tonight

score

i gget my journal back today. i made it the entire 3 or so days without it..didnt really write without it but i made it without to many upsetting thoughts going on..all i have to do is wait till this evening to see her and get it back

am sorry

i want my journal back, its making me feel really nervous to not have it, to know that linda has it and is reading it and i dont have it..and im just upset i left it with her to read..only a day and a half left of waiting to get it back..:(

jobs

It is so easy and clear at times, to figure out what you have to do in order to make things change. The steps are so simple to look at and understand. When it comes time to implement the steps that is when suddenly it is not as easy. Filling out and mailing applications never get finished, there are so many reasons for not doing it. Changing things becomes scary and uncertain, and it is not that choosing to stay unhappy is what is important but changing things, moving on is something that is never expected. Settle for less because that is all you are good for is what the thoughts are at times. Settling is not living though, settling is only getting by. Getting by just is not good enough anymore. :2c I wonder if I was offered a job, a better one, a stable one would I take it? Would it be considered selling out on the job I have now? Should I base so much on a job that is not very stable?

I dont know
hmm all that being said, i have been looking around online again tonight, just seeing what is open and descriptions and stuff. Found one I would really like to apply for and hopefully interview for..that would make 3 i plan on sending in applications for. the last one being close enough to live home until we could save enough to move and not feel so stressed and rushed with it all. but at least i wrote down information for all of them and what i need and dates it has to be in by so i dont forget. i look at the applications and just feel overwhelmed completely..and immediately dont want to do it..but having hours cut again is not cool..i dont want to start with someone new..again..i dont want to add anymore driving onto what i already do..i dont want to get to know another family..i feel guilty for taking the new baby and then going and looking for another job..but also it could be a couple months before i get a job..and its not as if i can stop working completely :snoopy i just dont know..mommy keeps asking why i want to move far away..why i want to live alone..i dont know what else to tell her about that..maybe im just scared..and worried im doing something that i once again shouldnt do..but my options are pretty simple..move or dont move..work or dont work..be happy or not happy..but all connected in the easiest of ways cas at the bottom of all of it is mommy..and that just isnt working out so hot..even putting it off completely i have till monday to get the applications out and let them get there on time..id rather it was sooner though..maybe it is just time to move on..but im just not ok with the loss of hours yet again..

is it ?

is it really so bad to give up ? quit trying to know absolutely nothing at all? all this fighting and struggling to gain nothing at all. no peace of mind, no balance. Things are more screwed up now than they were a year ago. Its not that it just got worse, no its becoming freaking unbearable. i don't want to do it anymore, I don't want it to be like this forever. I don't.

-sigh-..i guess i can do a bit better than that..

when did things get to feeling so incredibly messed up? no i guess the better question is when did i become so aware of how messed up it all is..i want things to go back to the way they were when i kept myself in a complete bubble of nothingness..that would be good..that would be nice..but i cant get there anymore and its frustrating because all the thinking is i dont know..im tired of thinking and not figuring any of it out..and then i dont even tell linda any of it and i didnt realize i had gone completely quiet with her..somehow i missed that ..but shes right..im not telling her anything anymore..im not doing it on purpose..but its like my defenses are working overtime to make sure i dont say anything that im not supposed to say..which is almost all of it ...dont know where i learned it was better not to tell..had never really considered how much it is that mommy tells me what to say about stuff..until i mentioned it today..and how much i dont like being told what to say..but its like with her im just stupid and so for my own good mommy is there to make sure i say the right thing..but i dont get the chance to say anything..i dont get the chance to do anything..and so messing up is just a million times worse..or being expected to talk for myself is like crap i dont know what im supposed to say..and being in trouble is a really big deal but i dont know why because in my head i know that if mommy doesnt know im there then i cant be in trouble..but its just paranoia maybe because i stopped today without telling why it was so hard not being at home..makes me sound crazy to say that i was almost positive mommy would just randomly turn up at my school to check on me..to make sure i was being good..any car that looked like hers freaked me out..and if i was doing anything that could be possibly conceived as being wrong or fun or anything would get me in trouble..and it really was pretty bad then..but ive been gone long enough and gone back and forth enough to know that its not like that..still get the thoughts and it still freaks me out..because it makes me think im being followed or something..and its bad enough that she watches me all the time..and i hate being watched or looked at..all parts of being noticed..all ways to just be picked apart..i dont need any other ways to be picked apart..because mommy does it all the time and then i make it a point to wear stuff she doesnt like because its the only way to get back at her i guess.not that it matters..ill always just be wrong in some way..and i never ever want her to touch me..i moved away from her when she was doing something or getting ready to touch me and she asked why i did it..not like im gonna tell her that im afraid of being hit still..doesnt even matter that i havent been actually hit in almost 7 years i guess..i still think she will just turn around and hit me if i make her mad enough..and i wonder if that will be when i say im leaving and not coming back..im not ok with being hit but ill stay and be yelled at..no that doesnt make sense either..she said shes never done anything to hurt me and that shes been a good parent..and it makes me feel like a liar because no i dont remember everything but i know i was hit an awful lot..am i wrong? am i making it all up? but why would i make it up? its to tiring to make up! if i was making up my life i would have made it a whole lot nicer..id actually remember it too..yea that would prolly be an important part of things..but mommy goes and says something like that and i doubt it all..maybe im remembering it wrong..maybe im doing it all for attention..but i dont want attention..i cant want attention and want to be ignored at the same time..maybe i just dont want to know what happened but thats just stupid to..actually all of it is just stupid..and now that ive gotten that out guess ill move on..im tired and want to go home..but not home with mommy..i dont know where i want to go really and nights like this make me nervous because i dont know where to go to ease the anxiety and calm down..and i cant wander around all night..but theres no where to hide either..cant feel unsafe and not know why can you..like one of these days mommy will figure it all out and ill be in so much trouble..thats always the response to things..im going to be so dead if mommy find out..great way to live you know..constant fear..
nevermind

yay me

i have a newish computer and internet at home again. life is good

have had a headache all day...just want to lay down and sleep but have to get work stuff done cas have to take mommy to work in the morning so i really do have to be ready to leave at 6:30 and i guess ill just be staying out until see t tomoorrow at the usual time before work..but yea think just all the stress and what not makes it harder on my head..but have to stay focused at least for another couple hours and then ill have to go and do something else i guess..

but went to work..was over an hour late again this morning :( stayed to play with waynes puppy cas it made me happy and i didnt even know he had her..her names mya and she is cute..shes small and white with brown spots and she jumped all over me and followed me around the room and up the stairs. told him that mya liked me better than him :) and she was so excited and jumpy! but then dusti came and they both looked at each other for lots of tiime but then mya started to bark and dusti started to hiss soooooo i just held mya till it was time for her to leave again..didnt want them to fight or anything and its been acouple years since dusti has been around any other animals..but id rather they didnt fight or anything..but dusti is fine maybe a lil jealous though!

have been thinking a lot about choices and what we want to do..and moving is way at the top of the list..but then we are at home and theres a night like tonight where things are almost civil and no arguing..most likely because she knows im her ride to work tomorrow so no need to upset me tonight..pretty pathetic i guess..but i really do think thats what it is..and then in a couple days things will be the same as usual and it is hard to know when it will be a good day and when it wont be a good day..

everything is messed up

things have been really hard ..well today is better but the weekend was really hard..had therapy on friday..and yea real soon im gonna have to stop going twice a week but she brought a few things to my attention and im really upset that she told me know..or that she didnt agree with the way i was thinking about things and told me its ok to look at it all differently and her diferent is not the same as mine but now im just mad that shes gone and managed to ruin plans ive had for years and didnt know i even really had them..it is overwhleming to realize that the plan all along is to die eventually..and t trying to work with me to think about it all differently is just not going so well..its hard to think of any of this and so of course its all that im thinking about..because it all just means knowing and believing that mommy wont change..and its not my responsibility to try...but keep thinking it is..keep thinking that i dont know what will happen if i dont keep trying..but then its just been something ive worked so hard on for so long..if i try hard enough it will be better..that if i come home and hope things will be better then they will be..but all i do is set myself up to be let down horribly..and its the same every time..its never good enough..theres always something that can be done better..faster..neater..its always something that i have to fix..and i had forgotten that somehow i worked it out in my head that once i was good enough for mommy it wouldnt even matter because then i would be dead andit would all be ok..the only problem in the plan is that now linda knows part of it and disagrees completely with it..and i didnt realize it would bother me so much to be told that it doesnt make sense..that i work so hard to change and be better when i cant be responsible for someone else..mainly mommy..but still..and then i was a bigger dork and mentioned i wasnt even sure mommy liked me..which dug up a whole lot of thoughts and feelings i didnt want..and couldnt seem to stop thinking about either..

ended up going out yesterday night but it was to do stuff for other ppl...mommys car is really messing up so i got to run errands with her for the weekend..and take her to work this morning which i didnt care about at all..but its just that she waits until 10 mins before she needs to leave and then 'asks' if i can take her..when she knew last night she had no way to get to work and didnt ask me then..no she waits and then can yell at me for being selfish for not wanting to do it..my schedule just isnt as important to her..doesnt matter at all what i was supposed to be doing or anything..

trying so hard to stay calm but just cant seem to let go of the anger of all thats going on..trying to figure out what it is that i want to do..a friend of mine sent me a message again last night letting me know that the place where she works is hiriing again...they were hiring months ago too and she told me and i said i would consider it and then forgot all about it..but now im wondering why i didnt do it the first time..cas of course she told me i could go and stay with her until i got set up and everything there...the only real draw back is that she is in oregon...like a three day drive from me..and that is a huge huge distance..talk about a huge huge change! but just something to consider i guess..because now i am going to look for another job..cant let go of the whole yea not a good place to be stuff now that its been brought to my attention..cant ignore it the same anymore..and it just hurts more..maybe moving and starting over somewhere will be a good thing..living alone again..or even staying with a friend is better than being at home currently..or maybe ill just randomly pick a state and go there and start over...ok so thats not the best plan lol..but just need to do something...and cant put everyone elses thoughts into it..because then ill just get stuck on mommy telling me what i need to do, or the kids i babysit mom telling me i should stay here..or everyone just adding in there thoughts on what i should be doing and then ill just end up stuck again..no its obviously not going to happen all tomorrow but at least im thinking about it again..

not having a very good couple days.

did call linda and tell her about cutting..and wanting to cut. really glad i see her today because it feels like my head is going to explode soon

for the record

and for the record. according to mommy this morning we are all bastards and worthless


i really dont know why i bother trying

back home

we are back..got home late last night...no more 20 hour trips for a while..im done! i dont even want to look at the inside of a car right now..but it was nice being able to drive my own car again and having all r own stuff in the car..and just i guess the comfort of knowing it was my space..not shared or crammed full of stuff..well its my car so yea it is crammed full of stuff lol..but still its my stuff..

the trip was ok..the drive was hard to deal with..and saturday ended up not really being ok..and some how managed to tell yvonne that i just needed to stay distracted..and that was hours after cutting but she picked up on the silence a bit more after being together for a week..we had a rather interesting conversation one night at her grandparents and she just kinda told me she figured i was cutting way back when we met/lived together.. among other things and it surprised the heck out of me because i was incredibly careful you know..it was never an issue..and i didnt deny it or come right out and agree that i was..but i guess not saying anything at all was as good as saying yea i was cutting..and she called me on my lovely fake excuse for how the scars got on my arm...funny excuse but obviously not true if you thought about it for a while..but eventually i got around to telilng her that i had an agreement with my doc to call if i really wasnt safe and everything and told her not to worry but well no one seems to listen to me when i say that..but trying not to think to much about it..cas i think it was just more shocking than anything else..overall the trip was fine...a lot overwhelming with all the ppl i didnt know and going place..i think it makes it harder for me because yea everyone i met was really nice and welcoming and here i am just sitting in almost absolute silence..afraid to say anything or be noticed or even looked at for that matter..and so many ppl wanted hugs and i did a bit better than just standing there and leaving my arms down but it was just a bit to much at times..i was better when it was just her grandparents that i was around but anyone else and i just didnt say much..at all..ever .. but while we were there we toasted breakfast in the fireplace..my idea! i walked in and saw the fireplace that was in the kitchen and it was like great i want to make breakfast..and we did one morning and it was cool...and majorly hot!

but now its back to everything at home..schedules and work and therapy and im glad to be back i am..and its prolly helping alot that mommy is stilll out of town until tomorrow sometime..less stress being at home at least for another day..

still really sad about saturday though and how nothing swayed the thoughts from cutting..realized how much it was missed and wanted and its like all i really wanted was an excuse to stop trying so hard..mess up once..no need to keep trying type stuff..a lot harder now though because my arm is still sore..and the whole day is still fairly clear in my head..and i dont know..trying to keep reminding myself i dont have to cut.but now i want too..and i could just scream for having razors with me in the first place..the ones we got months ago and never used just keeps managing to switch bags and so had them... no real idea how to tell linda what happened..didnt call her..and still havent because im ok..surprisingly..really sad at times about cutting and everything but not suicidal...currently..and that may be from cutting..

20 hour drive and other randomness

we are now in louisiana and it took us 20 hours to drive down here..i slept almost the entire trip which is really odd all by its self because normally i dont sleep like that on long trips..normally im the one sitting awake bored out of my mind.but it had been areally busy week before we left..i was sick..and tired and just completely out of it..so maybe thats why i slept so much on the drive..but i really was rather useless in the whole thing..because i would be talking and then id be sleep and then id have to fight to wake myself up again...really weird..but we made it safely and it is nice being here...completely not what i expected..its just different is all..yvonnes grandparents are really nice though..forever asking if i need or want anything..they tell me good morning and good night and its like i almost dont know how to deal with it because it doesnt happen any where else..i dont get it from anyone else...and i dont know how to respond to it really..its hard and today im feeling a little sad and quiet but i dont know...im alright..hard getting used to having no pressure at all..i dont have to do anything..i dont have to talk..im not expected to or told to do anything at all..its a nice feeling..doesnt happen often and i know ill be a basketcase when it comes time to leave and go home..mostly though my days are just going around with yvonne and her grandparents to run errands and visit ppl...and i mostly just sit and watch..because well new ppl..and me talking just so dont really go together at all..but i am ok..i think

....just stuff

made it through the night without cutting ...127 days without cutting..lil over 4 months..hard to believe..really really hard to believe..well the suicidal feelings rent a good trade off for not cutting but still...feeling really sad today though..just kinda dejected about everything .. struggling to stay focused on what i need to do and get done by friday and mommy isnt making it any easier on me..so i think tonight ill be focusing on moving rooms and getting that all done and taken care of..tomorrow will be packing since i actually did laundry last night and that makes it easier to pack..and then making sure dusti is taken care of and christmas shopping tomorrow too..and then therapy again on friday after work..and last minute stuff friday night to stay awake until time to leave..and then endless hours on the road..not looking forward to sitting still for that long and im sure after the first few hours ill be wanting to get out of the car and never drive anywhere ever again..but bringing all my usual distraction stuff to kinda help with the restlessness and then the anixety about being somewhere new...cas even though i know her grandparents wouldnt hurt me or do anything to me im still scared of being there..and not really knowing the area or what to expect..i think the not knowing is bothering me most of all right now..

still thinking lots about therapy yesterday and im afraid because im actually starting to talk to her..and yea she still has to ask a lot of questions and nope i dont make it easy on her at all but all that aside i actually told her i was worried about leaving and not seeing her next week..and even went and asked her if she wanted to come along with yvonne and i..couldnt believe i actually asked that..couldnt believe i had even told her some of what was really bothering me..and then of course i told her about the suicide stuff not working and how i was still trying to think of another plan of sorts..and its like i wasnt supposed to do that..talking about how much i want to die just isnt supposed to happen because thats the last bit of control i have in a way..if no one knows then obviously i cant be stopped..and i guess i dont want to be stopped but then i went and told her because im not even sure i want to die..and none of it makes sense and im worried about all of it..shes worried because im so hopeless and think that im just not going to be fixed..and if she cant help then i dont know what my options become because at that point..if it gets to that point im sure i wont like or want those options...in some ways im still controlling the thoughts..ive promised to call her if i had to and i will..i have..but still the fear of doing something without getting intouch with her or not being ablee to wait..or even just thinking i need to do it scares me enough to tell her and tell all of it..
but im ok i guess..no worse than usual after making it through yesterday

really upset

was earlier and i guess that kind of explains it all in a nut shell. :(

but it took what 5 or so hours before the big feelings hit i guess...im afraid.im scared..i want to cry..i want to cut..i really want to cut.. i want to comforted..i want a hug to be touched ..loved..wanted..but my aversion to being touched gets in the way..i just want to know that im ok..that things will be ok..i want someone to rub my back..acknowledge me existence..calm my fears..i dont even know where the fears are coming from..im afraid of everything today..im scared to leave even though i want to go out of town..im afraid to tell my therapist how bad the thoughts are getting how constant..i tried today and hated admitting that i was even still suicidal..that one plan didnt work..cant work now and so im ready to think up another plan..that should worry me and it doesnt..i was more worried about telling t and having her worry about me..everything is bothering me right now..but being scared and wanting to cut to calm the need to cry is taking over my head...ive written..ive watched cartoons..ive wasted time..and still all i want to to just lay down and cry forever..and i dont know why

mommy came home in a bad bad mood...lots of yelling and stuff...made feelings of wanting to cut much stronger..want to cut so very much

thinking

i keep thinking that there has to be more to life .. that there is something that i am missing..and i think that because of talking about boundaries lately with linda i know what it is...im still trying so hard to protect myself to live and not live at the same time..i dont allow any one to know me..i dont talk to anyone..i live at home and some days its like i dont know they people i live with..i dont see the world completely i guess..its all overshadowed in a way..covered by something but im not sure what it is..my comfort zone is so solid and unforgiving..nothing can come in or out without me knowing about it indepth before i ever agree to do it..or allow it in..and then i miss out on all the little things..i miss out on remembering all the little things..and that makes me so sad..and feel hopeless

but there are ppl who havent given up on me..i have to remember that
its just hard sometimes
to keep going
to not give up

im ashamed of myself..for looking for the pills..for wanting them..for being willing to just steal them and have them..and keep them...but what good would it do because once i have them then it would be oh so easy to take them all..but i dont have them..they are all gone..they are not there anymore..and that upsets me..i wanted them..i needed them..i looked for them..if i found them i would have taken them..and now that plan wont work anymore..and im at a loss for what i want to do now...i didnt realize it would disappoint me this much..i didnt realize how much i needed them to move on with the so called plan..even though i told linda i would call her if what i was thinking got anymore detailed..she trusts me to call her if my plan becomes something more than just a plan and im upset that i actually considered not doing it..the thoughts are still there and that bothers me..but now also im worried because its like plan 1 didnt work so now i just need to stay calm and focused and come up with something else..like nothing is going to take my attention away from what i want which is dying and im not even sure i really want that..i just think i do..i just think it will be the way to fix all of this..to make it all go away..to make it all better..when thats not true..i know its not..but i cant seem to not think it..ive spent the past couple days waiting it out..trying hard not to react to thoughts that run through my head..serious problems with calming myself down when i realized how bad at times my thoughts were..but i havent acted on them..only considered strongly for a bit friday..but somehow made it through that too..but the sadness is ever present..and im afraid its only going to get worse..4 months with no cutting and now all i think about is suicide..not really a good trade off :(

weekend stuff

went to yvonnes graduation yesterday..sad that she graduated..proud that she graduated..but now she is moving in a couple weeks once we are back from her grandparents..and thats making me really sad...among other things..jealous too..because her family came for her graduation and all watched her walk across the stage..and when i graduated no one was there to see me walk across the stage..mommy and r sister came to the real big school wide graduation..and that should count i guess..but just sad remembering that no one was there to see the big moment..to busy to take off the weekend to do all my graduation stuff...but am sure when henry graduates she will be there for it all.. and then ended up staying last night cas it got late and i freaked because i couldnt find my bank card..and then found it but ended up just staying cas coming home last night was causing a lot of unrest and anxiety...but home now..

need to go and get some cold meds..coughing and generally not feeling so great the past couple days and cough is getting worse..and trying hard not to show that around mommy..cas that would be an i told you so conversation that im just not up for at all..and i dont want to hear again how i dont have insurance..

got a really nice phone call today..i think because it was completely unexpected that it came today makes it better..but it was from the dad of my client that moved over the summer..he called to let me know how everyone was doing and told me that my client missed me and remembered me..said he would email me pictures and told me he wanted to stay in touch a bit more.. :rb i still miss that particular client and his family and i am so glad that his dad called and let me know what was going on and how he has been doing and that he wants to stay in touch. he thanked me again for how well i worked with his son..and i havent seen them in months! and he thanked me! it was nice you know..it came at a time where i really needed it too..and for that i am incredibly thankful that i even picked up the phone..

talked...

dont really like my doc knowing that im suicidal again..or that a plan is forming..yea not good..

also dont like being told that things will most likely get worse before they get better...yea not cool..and im not sure things can get any worse ..without me dying and well she is trying not to let that happen..

....

no things will not be like this forever..it just cant be..i dont want it to be..have actually been using a couple of message boards to kinda talk and get feedback on different things, different issues...because i have such a problem calling any of it abuse..still kinda tip toeing around that whole thing..but linda calls it what it is and i think that makes me feel really nervous..and scared..but the message boards have been really helpful lately..and im glad im actually starting to write and use them for support..and listening..and in general goofing off some days..

today sadness won out..and right now im feeling incredibly sad but i dont know why..im just sad, disappointed..scared..i dont know..not even at home right this minute..yvonne came and we went out for a bit..and now im at her place cas she asked me if i would go to a party thing with her tomorrow..for her graduation stuff..cas she graduates on friday! and i am proud of her..and im happy she asked and no i dont do great with parties and stuff but its an ease on the anxiety knowing im going with her at least..and then ill be coming back on thursday night so ill be here for her graduation..and then home..and then the week after that it will be packing to go out of town and that is scary all by its self..

lots of thinking

yesterday for the first time in therapy i actually talked and stayed present enough to talk about what we were well talking about. i worked very hard at it..and kept talking with a lot of prompting and her asking questions..but managed to maybe even fill up like 20 mins all by myself..wow ! picked a hell of a topic to want to talk about but got through it sorta..

talked about lots of different things dealing with mommy and that maybe things werent my fault...and boundaries and eye contact..all of which im still thinking about a lot..my doc asked me to draw what my boundaries look like talked about boundaries a little bit in t today and she asked that i draw what my boundaries are. In terms of you and the rest of the world. What does it look like. She asked this and i immediately thought well duh brick wall, nothing gets in and nothing gets out. But thinking about it now thats not really how it is. I think its more of like the windows in the police station when you cant see out but someone can see inside, except im the one looking out and no one can see inside. That way im closed off but can still allow a relationship to form with someone else, no it wont be an incredibly close one but it can still be formed and i can still protect myself very heavily. she just asked the question in a really interesting way..because once she asked me to draw it my lovely imagaination just went into overdrive and it makes it a little easier to look at something but its not flat..or just words..because obviously my head doesnt work like that..and in a way i can see it once i start describing it and thinking about it..

i have a lot of trouble with eye contact, its more noticeable around adults but just in general i am really bad about making and keeping eye contact. its hard for me. i get nervous and scared and just cant seem to look at the other person. i guess its a lot worse with the t because its just me and her in the room and lal of her attention is on me and i dont like that and because of what we talk about i get even more nervous and scared...and ashamed..and just cant bring myself to look at her...but we were talking about it yesterday some or she was and i was listening and she mentiioned that she thought it was because i was afraid of people..that being afraid could be a part of why i have such a hard time looking at someone else..and i wanted to deny it and i think i did a little bit but now ive been thinking abuot it more and it does make sense. but i hate that it does becuase i spend a lot of time around people you know, i work one on one with people and their families, im around people but yet im completely alone at the same time. working one on one with clients stops me from having to interact as much, especially with my nonverbal clients. i go home where 3 other people live and still manage to exisist only in my world where im safe and alone and its quiet. i have such a hard time talking and interacting with other people, and not beingable to keep eye contact does make it worse. group things makes me panic, talking to someone i dont know just doesnt happen. i have no idea how ive managed to keep the few friends i do have because i cant seem to hold a complete conversation a lot of the time. I had never called it being afraid though but maybe thats what it is..

she did a lot of reassuring to yesterday..because i swear i start shutting down after a while and getting really scared about talking to her..and just talking about stuff..

its just weird that now im struggling to talk about it all almost as much as i struggle to not talk about it..theres still a huge sense of wrongness to it all..so many questions and no answers..lots of fear..

lots of thoughts in my head...

quote

"Life can only be understood backwards
It must be lived facing forward "