today

feeling better about things today. still just kinda processing it all and overall things are back to where they usually are between us..and i think she is waiting for me to bring it back up but since im not sure yet just what to say about it i havent said anything...and i have been thinking about it a lot trying to figure out where i stand on it..because in truth i am hurt she told because that is something that i end up having to explain..because then all the questions start..but i also know they are valid questions if you can look at a picture of me and my siblings and wonder why none of us look alike.. but I cant decide..

but yes it is better today..

and that being said today was sooooooo very unexpected in what actually happened vs what i planned to do..cas what i planned like going to the movies just didnt happen lol...and i ll going home didnt happen either...still at yvonnes house go figure ;) but it was a big deal because today i was supposed to go home to do stuff before mommy got there but she got home early last night and i saw no point in going home and being stuck there for the rest of the day...so instead i agreed to go to the state fair..and it turned out to be a lot of fun. i didnt ride any of the rides but i did win a huge huge hello kitty! and had ice cream with sprinkles and a funnel cake cas those are like the only reason i go to any type of fair lol..and yvonne bought me a really pretty glass snowflake ( that has been named snowie..seriously) and its hanging up in my car :) and it is really pretty...and i got 2 wooden roses a purple one and a blue one..and really wanted to go back and get like a few more but i was starting to feel really freaked out from how crowded it was and all the ppl there..and i looked at the flowers and the gardens and all the booths..and played the games ..thats how i won the hello kitty..the first game i played and i won ! it was pretty awesome and exciting..and i was really worried about going and being ok because well its the state fair its huge and today was the last day so it was really crowded..and traffic was horrible! but it was helpful being there with yvonne and it really was fun...i walked in and saw all the booths and all the different foods and it was like i want everything! so settled on ice cream first lol..and ran around town for a bit when i left there..and it got to be to late for me to drive home tonight and talked to mommy to let her know and she did her usual thing and i guess shes mad ive been gone all i weekend.. i dont know..but im not sorry i stayed..im really not..and yea its going to bite horribly that ill have to drive home in the morning but it will be ok..better than falling asleep driving tonight! so now i am feeling more settled..still having really not ok thoughts about stuff that happened in the past and its hard to deal with..but its better today i think..

long long day

i wonder if picking at scabs counts as si...i notice sometimes we are doing that a bit more than usual..picking at the legs or fingers when feeling nervous..dont know..i dont think im going for the pain factor because its not huge..but well i dont know..just picking at stuff..nothing big or anything and i think im just talking in circles right now.. head is all over the place and i dont know its been one of those days where things just kinda happened..came to help out yvonne and take her to go and get her car..which i didnt really mind you know..i wasnt doing anything else and it would have been something to keep me busy..but that turned into sitting at the car dealership for almost 8 hours...and i think it was just the combination of everything that slowly kinda led to us just starting to freak out about everything..not feeling well and being stuck in one place all day..and couldnt leave because would have felt majorly guilty about it...she got a car that she isnt great at driving yet ( a manual) and i dont understand why she did it when she is having so much trouble with it and getting so frustrated with it..and its stalling in traffic and what not and she gets agitated and starts yelling which in turns puts me on edge..and i mean yea its a pain a huge pain learning to drive stick and that i understand but i guess being stuck doing it at the end of a long long long day just made it worse and im sure it will be better once she gets the hang of it..but then teaching me to drive her car is next on the list and thats not gonna go over so well because i tried it today a couple times and seriously freaked and just stalled the car completely..and i dont know..blah its been a hard day..keep drifting off and thinking about so much stuff..getting hard to distinguish whats past and whats present..and found out that r friend shared something with her roommate that she promised not to share..and it was really surprising and hurtful ..and she apoligzed because it was brought up by her roommate and my first reaction was just crap why did you do that...its upsetting and hurts because i keep thinking that if mommy ever found out i told then you know more trouble for me to deal with..but i can understand it was an accident and im not sure if im upset or just disappointed about it all..and she has been saying sorry about it all night and trying to let me know that she is really sorry and im not making it easy for her at all..im not trying to be mean but i havent managed to catch up in my head all thats going on..and what she told was about family stuff and its like thats what we were talking about in therapy this week and that makes it even harder to process and deal with...so i dont know what to do..i dont want to talk about it and havent said much to her about it but i know it will have to be resolved at some point..because otherwise it will just turn into this huge deal.. but i dont know..part of me just wants her to be upset and feel bad about it be cause she broke the promise..and that really does make me feel bad..and im doing a whole lot of feeling bad today..really big urge to just get away from it all..i dont want to be inside but its dark outside so i dont want to be outside but i do ... and she also mentioned how i deal with being frustrated and how i dont yell and curse and what not..and she was comparing herself to me and it was not ok at all that she did that because then i felt like a hyprocrite..because shes telling me how well i deal with being frustrated and i just sat there and listened and kept thinking crap its all just a big lie..and if she really knew what was behind all the scars she has seen she wouldnt say that at all about me..and i didnt say anything at all..

lost in my head

...a ramble...

talked about family a lot in therapy today..and talking about it makes me realize just how much i dont know about it..i grew up with all of these people and dont remember then...we counted today..at times there were up to 11 or 12 ppl living in the house at a time..and i dont remember..how can i not remember..i couldnt even describe the first house we lived in..i knew nothing about it..what color it was or how many floors there were, or bedrooms or anything..i didnt remember..i lived there for 8 years and couldnt recall anything about it..after i left her i remembered the basement and something that got me in a lot of trouble..but that was after i left..i didnt remember moving to nc..but we did .. i know they added on to the house because we needed more bedrooms..i remember ppl coming and going..stay out of mommys way when she was at home..and its just that it makes me feel nothing to think about it..i cant imagine being an only child..if you put a toy down there was always someone there to pick it up and take it..everything was shared..nothing was really truly your own in a way..there were a lot of us but for some reason it was never crowded..you had your space in some aspects...none of the doors locked..none of the doors lock now cept the ones that go out..the bedroom doors dont lock..the bathrooms ddont lock..nothing locks..always check for locks..always need to see the door...

nevermind

today

(from this morning)
not really been feeling good lately...think its just a cold..or the starting of one..took meds last night and felt a little better cas couldnt sleep..but headache is back again and its so cold in the house becasue mommy said its to early to turn the heat one..and no one keeps socks on..and yea just feeling kinda miserable right now..( and for the record..no running out to the car with no shoes on when its freezing outside is not a good idea!!)

debating going to work..actually the way things are moving right now i really am going to be late but just not feeling good..need to stop by the store and pick something up..the correct meds for what ever it is i have..

had a weird half dream last night because i swear i wasnt sleep..but i was seeing it anyway..and t asked if i would start writing them down..so guess i will.although just thinking about it, it seems so easy to kinda read into but im not sure im liking what i think about it...but anyway here it is

i was going to pick up this cup ( i think it was a cup..) a coffee cup kinda cas there was a design of some sort on it..and as i was getting it, it just broke apart..and i was upset but then it was like ok the pieces are really big it can be put back together..and i went to get the pieces and was picking them up and they all broke into even smaller pieces..and that was even more upsetting..because i didnt know why it kept breaking..but they were still fixable..so i go and pick them up again..only they break again..and so on until i cant pick them up anymore..its all dust and it cant be fixed anymore...


dont know if there was anything after that...

i already know what i think about it but if anyone else has any ideas/insights feel free to share.

dusti is being funny and wanting to sleep on my back at night..so now its rather fun to just move around and she how long it takes her to get off! cas she will stand up and kinda wait for me to stop moving around and then lay back down..or grab onto the blanket until i stop moving but not get off lol..i actually had to get up before she really moveed!

hmmm but guess i better get going.

(and later)
was thinking on the way to work..not good i know lol..but someone was reminding me of what happened the first time we worked away from home for the summer..and how much we were able to be ourselves in the middle of being so far out of our comfort zone..but in the program i was working at we had to make daily goals..and actually work on them throughout the day..and most days we made really meaningless goals..but some days we made good ones about learning a new skill and stuff and would actually go and work at it..and when we were on the staff hike..yes 4 long miserable ( ok maybe not so miserable ) days in the woods..and accomplished all this stuff we set out to no matter how small it was you know..and the supervisor and other staff would just kinda tell me how proud they were that i was able to set a goal and actually work towards completing it..not giving up...they told me they were proud of me and then i was like the person who always did what she said she was going to do..heck somewhere in my head i can still make a campfire..i dont like doing it and will prolly never need the skill again but i learned how to do it..if i had to i could do it and not burn anything down in the process lol..cant believe i had forgotten that..that was one of the best times ever...even with all the stress involved working with the kids..it was still a really big deal you know...maybe all i need is a push in the right direction..and someone telling me that i really am doing it even if i dont think i am..

just a ramble

(and now)
feeling a huge urge to write today. i dont know what about but its like something is just going back and forth in my head and i dont know how to put words to it. really am missing my paint and things that are in storage and we can not get too. writing helps but something more hands on would be helpful too..mommy is going out of town this weekend and i cant say that im not happy about it. i would be happier if the nephew was gone too but thats just a whole nother issue all by itsself..maybe feeling a little nervous about t tomorrow..hmm yea not a huge deal or anything but just a nervousness that always surrounding going to see her..

went and voted today...glad that is over and done with!..one less thing to worry about..leaving work in a little bit and maybe just going home is a better idea...maybe read or just chill out a bit...been a long long day!!!

update of sorts

i realize i havent been writing here all that much..last week sucked and i didnt really want to write a lot anywhere..didnt do much but show up to work last week and well therapy..this week is a bit better..head not feeling so fuzzy and so i guess thats improvement.. im a slacker and still majorly behind on my paperwork and turning it in..to the point of messing with my paychecks now..thats lovely...my fault for not doing it ..but im just not interested in it anymore and thats bad..very very bad because if i dont do it then i dont get paid and thats not even enough to motivate me anymore..crap..depression has some part in it too..not wanting to do anything and just wanting to stay in bed and not even go to work in the first place..being at home is just getting harder and harder to deal with..and im looking for a new job i am but right now its not going so fast because im sick of looking and its a pain and its just more stress..and i start to freak out about everything when i start looking...but i know ill have too..even if i means giving up the cls i work with now..even if they dont want me to leave..if i cant keep up with my bills then its not ok..and i cant lol..so its not really ok..and its hard this month but next month is going to suck even more money wise..at least gas prices are going down..thats helpful...

yesterday i freaked out before therapy and seriously went to hide in the bathroom..questioned how long i could stay in there before anyone came to look for me..stinks that the doors are locked in the first place..creepy too..but eventually i made myself get out of the bathroom..but later on in the day i realized that i freaked out but didnt think of cutting at all..tried to remember what happened and what i was thinking about and it was mostly just me telling myself to calm down and being annoyed that i picked right then to freak out..but i didnt consider cutting..i dont know why..i dont even know how i managed to not do it..but i did..its slightly disbelieving you know..ive gone through so many different ranges of cutting and now even though i do have an entire pack of new razors ..the best ones no less..i still havent used them..havent even looked them..cas if i do ill remember that i really do want them and not be able to talk myself out of it..and yea there are still lots of times when i want them so very much and would do almost anything to have it but then the stupid little nagging voice reminds me that i have to call linda ..and i hate talking on the phone and well admitting that something is wrong..because its never just oh i want to cut and thats it...no its a long and drawn out process that i try hard not to think about.. and i also keep telling myself that its a choice..i remind myself of that a lot throughout the day now..its a choice and i have to make it good or bad..i have to remind myself that i dont have to cut..i want to ..id give up breathing some days to have it..but still the underlying thought is that i dont have too..crap linda has told me that so many times im actually remembering it..major crap..

lovely

therapy is staying at twice a week for now

a lot has been going on

ok ill pay attention to this now and actually write something..

things have been really bad to put it nicely..last week went so far beyond sucking i have no idea what to call it..therapy was tuesday..by thursday i was completely suicidal and not ok and stressed and overwhlemed and ended up calling her just to talk a bit..because i wanted to really really cut...talked to her and then was ok a bit..she called me back later that night to check on me and we talked for a few minutes and i was ok again...and the next day i woke up suicidal..i didnt want to cut at all i just wanted to go away..and i was to the point of being ready to call her just to say goodbye and that i was sorry..somehow managed to call her and we talked for like 20 or so minutes..and i was better but no where near being ok ..but there wasnt much we could do about it becuase i was going out of town with everyone and couldnt get in to see her at all before we left..so that wasnt going to happen..and talking would just have to be enough...but its pretty much coming down to that its going to be hospital or meds..if i cant get mysellf back under control..im not going into the hospital unless ive already tried to kill myself and im not going to just let someone else try to make me go..thats one thing i will just not be ok with..which really only leaves meds or well just meds i guess..a mix of meds and therapy..yea i cant wait..i dont really want meds either and if i cant afford them then it wont be happening anyway..but ill consider them...

but last week just sucked becuase i was already on edge from therapy and then work issues popped up, and then all the added stress from going out of town and mommy..and then i found out i didnt get the job i interviewed for..so all of it just happened at once and i couldnt calm down..i couldnt even think a full thought anymore by the time thursday can around and i didnt want to deal with anyone at all..and it was just bad..and so not ok..i guess im better now..i think..some of the stress is off..the weekend is over and i managed to do it without cutting..still dont know how that happened..i really dont..because it was me, yvonne, mommy, nia and rob in atl for henrys game..they played good but lost..and mommy was up to her usual stuff and told yvonne that i was to mean and selfish to ever get married..thats a real nice comment and i was freaking sitting right there..who would say something like that?? and then expect it to be agreed with..and i think it pissed her off that yvonne didnt agree with her..mommy also told me that she wanted to make me mad because then she knew i wouldnt say anything to her..she said i ask to many questions and wont just do what im told..yep life is just going great at home..and im so very thrilled that i moved back...but i didnt want to go in the first place..but it was better asking and having yvonne there..except that i had so much on my mind that i just kinda was there but i wasnt.. i talked when i had to and when my head felt clear but for the most part i stayed quiet..let everyone talk around me..i just kinda disappeared into the background...i was the outsider..i wasnt really completely included..i was just the afterthought..sucky spot to be in..but in a way i was just so set on pushing everyone away..so set on being by myself and no one understanding at all..so i didnt talk..i couldnt..im still so stuck on making sure its all hidden..of just i dont know ..struggling with it all..but in the end i did tell yvonne a little bit of what was going on..what my options were becoming...its like 1 in the morning and well we had both been drinking..but talked all the same..she did more of the talking but i listened and responded occasionally with actual words..and the night before that..all four us us went drinking and then out to breakfast at like 3 in the morning..after we got to the hotel and mommy went to bed..and that really was fun and im glad we did it..i never want to drive like that again..but because i was such a good driver and used the speed limits as afterthoughts when passing cops we shortened that 8 hr drive into like6 and a half..with stops and everything too ! but no im sick of looking at the inside of my car now..no more trips out of town..for a while..not in my car with that many ppl..

i feel like a failure about the job..i want to give up looking but i also know that ill kill myself if im stuck at home for much longer and then i just dont know..because yvonne is moving to va after dec..thats farther away than just a couple hour drive..what will happen..i dont really care to move to richmond at all..but theres not much holding me here either..just therapy really..if i move ill stop again..and then how long will it take to get me to go back? will i go back to all my old stuff? i dont know..if i dont have another job by then maybe i will consider moving with her...dont know..

and after talking it over with my therapist..i decided not to make any big changes right now with my job...because it really was just adding to the stress of everything..and yes my cl lost hours and im now being paid less but its work..its a job and i will still get paid..and i didnt want to let him go yet..but cant decide..but now i know that when i do leave him it will be really really hard..because i freaked big time when i found out about his hours..aand then being given the option to keep him or not work with him anymore..that was just so hard..my concept of time is really screwed because i get started with something and then i let myself think it will stay that way..that it will just never chagne and i wont have anything to worry about ..that ill be ok and fine and safe with whatever it is..and then something happens and its like no it doesnt work like that..time keeps moving..things have to change and i just have a melt down becuase i cant wrap my head around why things have to change and cant stay the way i want them too..makes it much harder to deal with and get past..

so besides just feeling completely on edge and sad..and drained..im just back to walking a very thin line between being ok and not ok...like all it will take is just one more thing and ill be pushed back into suicidal zone..still really feeling the urge to just go away but i dont know exactly what type of going away i mean or want..

didnt turn in my paperwork either..for last week..so im falling behind more and more again..but last night i felt like crap and just wanted to sleep for a while..so i did..but at the cost of not completeing it..so i have a goal to have it all turned in by tomorrow..i hope..

very sad

t was today..how is it that on days when i have therapy it always feels like i need her more...it takes me most of my time to get comfortable being there and then by the time i am comfortable its time to leave again *sigh* ...thats why therapy takes so long..its only an hour when i feel like i need like 5 hours to get anything at all resolved..im not even sure what i want to talk about most of the time...i did avoid what i had written though and it helped that she hadnt finished reading it all yet..but i was so scared before i went..like almost not wanting to show up scared..but i left her feeling ok..i think..nothing majorly going on..just a lot of talking about cutting and reactions and things..the usual stuff that i try hard to manage..but now im feeling so so so sad..at work but want to cry so much..want to hide..or disappear or just run away and not deal with any of it...because i found out today that i may have to give up my cl..well one of them..that one ive had the longest..and its so hard and i dont know what to do..if i get a job i would have had to leave him anyway...but i dont have another job yet and i think a part of me just really wasnt thinking i would ever get another job and that i would be working with him for forever..but now im not so sure..i dont want to let him go..and i know his sister and his niece and nephew and all of them are going to take it really hard..but if im not making enough money then its not helping me either..:( i didnt think i would have to do this at all..not now..not ever..dont know how i would change jobs then :( but i keep losing hours...i keep losing money..and its just getting hard or going to get harder to keep up with bills right when im starting to catch up again...i dont want to be realistic or logical about it..i want to just sit somewhere and cry because its so hard and i know i have to make the choice because it would be helpful if i was there to help train a new person kinda..but i dont want someone else taking my job..its mine mine mine..now i claim ownership?!?! i dont know...feeling so confused right now..like a steady downhill spiral..and the more i think about it all the more it makes me sad and upset and then i think about cutting or something else and i dont want that either..but all that i can think of after that is calling t again and i dont want to do that because i swear i just saw her like a few hours ago..i cant break down in like 5 hours..good grief whats wrong with me

since ive thought of nothing else

it is all about choice...you chose to live or die. i chose what i do with my day, i dont have to go to work but i do. i don't have to eat to much junk food but i do. the problem is i normally do it because im not thinking about it. i don't want to really think about it so i don't and i just do things because they are expected of me, because its what im supposed to do. i dont want to do that anymore. all i keep thinking is that i have a choice. i can make my own choices, i need to make my own choices and im not doing it. soon i guess if i keep going this way then i wont be allowed to make any choices anymore. they will all be taken away from me because i cant decide. its my choice thats it.

making a choice

why is it so hard for me to decide to change, to be ok, to live..why does it produce so much fear and indecision .. i feel so stuck in it and t is trying so hard to just keep reminding me that its my choice but im so afraid ill make the wrong one ..everything in me knows it was wrong.the childhood years that no one can remember..but admitting it is something so different...yes i know it but someone else knowing makes it seem worse and real and not at all ok all at the same time

i dont know what im doing ..i didnt think making the choice to be ok would be this hard or so confusing

my 1000th post!!!!

so figured i make it pictures !!

so theres my lovely cake that i completely cut the middle out of!

me and yvonne at the beach..bright and early

annnnnnnnnnd sand drawings ..yvonne has a sword..i have uh money i do believe :)

when does it become okay..

It bothers me immensely when mommy uses the " i haven't been that bad a parent line" in a way to get something she wants from me. Who does that? If I am able to work and pay bills without having to borrow money then I do not find it important or any of her business at all for her to to expect me to tell her about my life, or who I talk to, or what I am doing if it is not directly related to her. why should she get mad at me for not wanting to tell her anything. She never wanted to know before? No I am not trying to keep secrets as she put it, but if I said I got a gift in the mail and left it at that, then why does she need to question what it was, or who it was from? It makes me think she is getting ready to ask why anyone would send me anything at all, why do I suddenly have a couple friends now and none before. No I don't invite anyone to come to our house, outside of our friend from school and i knew yvonne for almost 4 years before ever inviting her to actually come to our house anyway. I'm sorry that I do not feel comfortable asking anyone to come home because there is always the chance that she will start yelling about something while company is there because she doesn't care. shes done it before anyway, doesnt matter who is there at all. This morning she voiced her problems with the fact that yvonne came a couple weekends ago but didn't make the bed up in the room correctly. Why would I invite anyone to have to deal with that? yvonne came with the guidelines that she could stay for as long as she could deal with mommy. I don't see how anything is going to happen to us now, that hasn't already happened and I am not really sure what it is mommy thinks I'm going to be doing or have done. It is always the same thing, I say I have to go to the store, then she wants to know why, and what I am buying. If I say I am going out, then she wants to know where I am going and why I have to go. I really dont understand it.

when is ok to say she has crossed the line? when is it ok to know that i dont have to tell her anything that i dont want too..because once she starts questioning then i start making stuff up...like when she was asking about going to henrys game..and i told her i had plans..i couldnt say i didnt want to go because then she would want to know why..she would want to know if i was depressed or something..she would tell me i was being selfish for not going..and it would go on and on and on because i do not feel she is asking because she wants to know. she is asking because she wants to be nosy, because she expects me to tell her every little thing and when i dont then im the one keeping secrets and being mean...i dont know...maybe it is keeping secrets..but its not really because its more of that i just dont want to talk about my life..i dont want to have to explain every single little thing i do. i dont like being questioned and then pressured into answering..because i guess thats how it always happens..i wouldnt talk..so then it became a lot of questioning and demanding and yea that made me want to talk so much more..i dont know why i didnt..i dont know why i dont like talking now..with mommy the less i say the better because then she will just turn it all around or use it against me..until i question what it was i said to start off with..theres no point in saying anything at all..because she doesnt even want to know until its something thats none of her business..why is it so important for her to know how much money i have..or when im getting paid..or who is sending me mail? i dont do anything ..am i over reacting? questioning to much about it all?

i dont know

hmmm

my thoughts have been getting away from me a bit lately...thinking about so much stuff and hating that well therapy had to be moved to friday..how am i going to make it to friday!! but then i find it funny that i will have to go back on tuesday and its like well gee things dont really have time to get bad before i have to go back! but now that ive gotten past the fact that i need to go and actually show up..come the thoughts of whether or not i really need to go...because some days im ok and then i think i dont need to go because everything is fine ..and then there are some days when i can barely manage to care enough to keep myself alive and then its like ok fine ill go..makes no sense because you would think that i would be able to just know and stick with one thing..but no i have to go back and forth on it all..and it sucks even more because its become almost a daily thing..

and no i havent been cutting..the thoughts on it have gotten much easier to deal with..and now i think my anger and unrest about not doing it is just leading to some incredibly misplaced anger issues..because it makes no sense to be mad at t when i know shes not going to be mad at me or hit me for anything..but its just that i know i have the list of distractions..i know im supposed to use it for the most part..but what i didnt factor into the whole lovely equation of my life is that a lot of the time i juts flat out dont want to use it..like i dont car eat all and i dont want to look at the big picture or what will happen later..i want my escape and i cant have it and that is just really upsetting..but then i go and refuse to acknowledge..ok maybe not refuse to acknowledge it but just kinda ignore it i guess..and i can get away with all of it except the one little part that says call linda..what in the heck was i thinking when i agreed to that one?? because i didnt realize obviously that suddenly what she says would be important you know...and its really knowing that i have to call and dont want to call that stops me from cutting..for the most part..because if i really did want to give in i know in the end i would call..but until it gets that bad its just a way to put it off..maybe thats a good thing..maybe its not..i dont know..but right its juts a pain because its stopping me from having what i want..and so i dont know what to do with my anger over the whole thing and so i just kinda direct it at her...dont know why i dont direct it at myself though..i dont think it would make any sense to do that in this situation..im already mad at myself for not giving in..yea my funny little loyalty streak comes up just when i dont need it too...because i care enough about what linda thinks to not want to own up to the fact that ive cut..so i wont do it..because if i did and told her then that would mean talking about it and i dont want to talk about it or think about it or wonder why in the heck i want it so much..no that would be bad..so instead i just ignore it all and just stay mad about the whole thing..it doesnt make sense anymore..and it should.i want it to and it doesnt..and i hate that it doesnt because that means something is wrong and i dont want anything to be wrong..but it is and i know it but am making the choice to ignore it and that doesnt make it go away either..i hate not being ok..i hate not feeling ok..i hate not being able to control my moods..because if im ok one minute theres no reason at all to not be ok the next minute..i shouldnt be going from fine to suicidal in an hour of doing absolutely nothing..

so in my warped little mind..that im constantly trying to get out of and havent managed to accomplish just yet..which is another pain in the butt..because no i dont happen to enjoy what i think about most of the time..most of the time is just a million things to worry about..but once i start up the i hate yous..my head becomes a place that i really dont want to be in..ok so im going to take a vacation from my mind..ill be back next year..dont make me do anything stupid thanks! -sigh- things are just hard..because i want to be ok and its like its taking to long to get there..i have days..hours..when i really am ok..and then i have days and weeks where all i think about is ways to die or crashing my car..or cutting and burning..and where to hide it..long well thought out plans at times..where do i get some of the stuff thats in my head? where does it come from exactly? because ive managed to turn every single thing around and the rest of it i just cant remember..so its not exactly as if i trust my memory..and that bothers me the most as usual..i dont understand how i managed to forget so much..i dont know why..im not sure i really want to know why but i know that if i dont figure it out then ill be wondering about it for the rest of my life..and that makes me feel miserable and sad...how can i forget my life? i live it..i have lived it..ive done a million different things and its like nothing is there anymore..i understand that its normal to forget some things..that your not going to be able to recall you know the day you were born..but i guess its hard to wrap my head aaround the fact that so much is gone..its not like im 50 and have that many years to deal with remembering..i cant even seem to remember my meager 25..ok 24..its not fair..because yea i did pay just a bit of attention in classes in college..and even though i dont like to admit just how much i do know about some things doesnt mean im completely clueless either..but why trust what i think? because if i just went and said something bad happened then what will that give me? just a bunch more questions that i dont have answers for..things i dont want to think about because its like if i try i cant focus anymore..and it makes me so anxious and scared because yea well something happened but i dont know what it was exactly..and that just makes me feel crazier than usual..why cant it just be simple and easy and just everything just kinda becomes my fault..because i was bad..and that one has an even simpler answer.. because duh it wasnt your fault..no matter how many ways you try to explain it to yourself or anyone else ..you dont completely forget that it really wasnt your fault..your to quiet to be that bad..anyone who know you can tell you that..funny thing is..i wouldnt look at anyone as a kid either..because there was a video tape of all of us as kids..i guess i was 6 or 7 i dont know..but i was reading a book..upside down..but never once looked up..so i guess it makes me sense you know to stop trying to hard..to stop hiding..and i say that today because it just so tiring and confusing and depressing..and because i might as well write this down while im thinking about it and feeling slightly ok..

but im sick of thinking for the day

job interview and what not

feeling really tired and hazy lol..im down to describing myself as weather ..but had to get some paperwork done so made myself get up and fought the urge to just not care and not turn any of it in yet again..so managed to get most of it done..even the stupid ones i had to redo that i had been holding on to forever..so now im down to being late on just two sets that are due this week anyway..that i will have to finish tonight because im just sick of looking at it all..that was my motivation..im sick to death of writing them and rewriting them..and feeling overwhelmed for not writing them..cant seem to do them ahead of time because i need to know the deadline is coming in order to even put effort into dong them...it stinks cas its like as soon as i catch up its time to start on the next set..and looking at it all is just.. ugh ..i say i did a crappy job on them all..but i dont know..i dont want to have to do them over again you know..but im turning them in..at least thats something..

and starting to feel nervous about the interview..but it was made a bit worse because mommy decided i needed to have a suit..and i dont like suits at all..i was assuming nice pants and blouse or dressy shirt is good..but thats just not good enough..so mommy tells me that she is getting some new stuff for me to try on..well none of them fit comfortably..so had to go shopping at like 8 last night for something i never wanted in the first place..kinda sucks though because i realize that all my clothes from a couple years ago no longer fit.. yea i was hoping to never have to go back into the real world of work but now that its like in the process of happening its like crap..so now mommy is back to mentioning what i should and shouldnt eat..im questioning what i do and dont eat..and it is rather depressing ..cas yea i knew i had been gaining pretty steadily i guess..and just didnt care most of the time..until something happens and its like fine pay attention to what your eating..just feeling a bit down about it all i guess...will have to go through all the clothes now and take out what cant be worn anymore..


-later in the day -

well the interview is over...i swear that all the stress for like a 20 min interview baffles me...but oh well..its over and done with..and i think i did a good job..i have to admit i did better with this interview than the other one if i was going to compare them..but it was two people interviewing me..and i stayed focused for almost all of it...talked a lot more than usual but i really was trying to make sure i answered them the best i could..and got a really nervous about halfway through and had to pull myself together..but it wasnt so bad i dont think...said they would be making there decision later in the week..so im hoping really really big that i did a good enough job to get the job..



was invited to this dinner cruise thing with my job...all the ppl that work there and then us early intervention ppl are invited now smile.gif it was nice..a really nice offer..and if i didnt get horribly seasick i would consider it too..but being on a boat with coworkers and being expected to eat when all i want to do is get back on dry land is prolly not gonna be a good experience .. funny to think about now because im not actually on a boat..but good grief a ferry ride left me feeling so horribly im not looking forward to ever getting on a boat of any type again..and the seasickness meds stuff doesnt work for me..go figure!

anxious

feeling really anxious right now...of course im not at home and that makes it a bit harder to just kinda sit it out..you would think that not being at home would make it easier.but no.. tried deep breathing..telling myself to calm down and chill out..talked some about what is bothering me..but prolly not enough since its still bothering me! ugh..messed around with this..the layout and stuff..put the kids to bed and now im just listening to myself think and hoping that dee and them come back soon so i can leave..

....

Somewhere between the brilliant, white light of truth
and the bitter darkness of deceit,
is a place where many of us live our lives...
in the shadows.

things are changing..

i noticed today that it has been 47 days since the last time i cut and i saw that and wanted to cry..i dont know why my reaction was that way at all..its scary looking at it and knowing that i really havent done anything to myself in that long on purpose..but i also look at it and wonder when ill fail at it and cut and then have to start all over again ..and ruin it..i think the longest ive gone without doing it is 3 months or something..cant really remember but i know that i have gone for a while and then something happens and its like yes a reason to cut..and thats pretty much all its takes to remember how much i miss it..one simple little cut and everything is ok again..but then its like i just failed again at something else..which sucks because currently i feel ok..not happy..not even overly excited about anything at all..just ok i guess..not to stressed..more thoughtful than anything else i think..and its like its not enough..but i dont know why..

yea things are changing and its not sometimes i think im completely ok with...its like i guess ive just been stuck trying to wrap my head around choices and no choices and not wanting to make choices and things just sucking royally..and being ok and then not ok and wondering if crashing my car was a good idea or not..the usual stuff times about 50..but now i think my head is starting to calm down..and that worries me too..and it shouldnt but it does..ive gotten so used to my head constantly going on about something..always thinking..worrying..stressing..a million thoughts flying through my head and it never stopped..and now its slowing down..now i have to stop and think just a little bit more about things because of being back in therapy..guess in some ways it is really tiring to constantly have something on my mind and being unable to talk about it..hmm maybe that is what the change is..i know i can talk about it..doesnt mean i will..but the option is there...and its been a good long while since ive had that option..also bites to have to come to realize that getting out of therapy isnt something that is going to happen over night..ok realize and actually understand that i mean..everything is a choice right..living or dying..getting up in the morning or staying in bed..doing something or not doing something..etc and so forth...theres always a different way to do something i think..and of course i get hung up on all the stuff i cant change or control and then pissed off because things suck and its more over stuff that i cant do anything about for the most part...and then the things i can do stuff about i just kinda ignore and push out of my mind bcause i dont want to have to deal with it..i dont want to have to actually try, i dont want things to actually change because that is more scary than anything else..thats like taking everything and having to turn it around until it actually makes sense .. and thats something ive never really had to do before because well i wouldnt talk or say anything..and now i have and im still surprised that the world hasnt ended..i havent died..and linda hasnt yelled at me or anything about it..doesnt help that i have trouble piecing together thoughts and sentences when im with her..but i really did do the homework that she asked me to do and i will remember to print it out and give it to her..

hmm i have to go so i can get ready to leave though..i ended up coming to see yvonne because she was having a bad day and i really wasnt doing anything else with my time yesterday since i wasnt babysitting..so i came to greenville and hung out here and so ill have to go home at some point today..well soon cas i do have to babysit later on today..and i dont know when mommy will be home..

big step...?

threw out all the razors and what not last night..the ones that were easily findable at least..im not sure if there are anymore hidden around the room at home but the bulk of them have been trashed now

did it last night and then felt really not ok but painted a picture instead of doing anything else..and made it through the night..feeling a bit better about it today.

maybe it was a good thing to do finally..

possible job interview

i got a call yesterday about it and called back and left a message..they want me to go in on tuesday and interview..and i dont know..im happy but not at the same time..if i do interview and get the job ill have to leave my cls i work with now adn that makes me feel so guilty..but i also have to realize that im just not making enough to live on right now..im not making enough to keep gas in my car or to even save up to move out and its getting harder and harder and the bills just keep coming...my job isnt very stable at all..my cls lose hours and have been losing hours since before the summer started..im getting more hours now but im also being stretched pretty far and working with 5 different cls throughout the week..i make 4 different pay rates all within one check..and yes i feel guilty about it but i know if i get the job ill have to say goodbye to my job now..because ive been working with them for almost 9 months and i havent even hit the $10000 for gross to date..cas i checked my check last night..thats not enough at all to do anything with...so guess im doing the right thing..i think..i hope..ill just have to figure out how to say goodbye to my cls when the time comes

nothing ever really works out

i knew it would come up again..all the dress issues with trying it on and not wanting too..cept mommy brought it up in a way to let me know that the next time i have a job interview i need to make sure all scars are covered up...obviously my first impression is not a good one at all..and the lady who did my dress did call mommy and asked if she knew about the scars..if it was a secret before it wouldnt have been anymore.. mommy is just worried that she will go and tell someone else...which doesnt really bother me cas my first thought was fine i dont know to many ppl anyway..but after that came great now mommy has something else to yell at me about and if it gets back to her then things just wont be good.. do i need to wear a sign that says ive screwed up? would that make it better? just not feeling ok about things right now..

shut down mode

at work but zoning out a bit and well that makes it a little hard to work..but once again my cl is entertaining his self coloring and we are at the library so i have my computer and decided to get online for a little bit..

therapy was today..like clockwork..and i really didnt want to go.but i had decidded i was fine, that i didnt need to go..that things were magically better because i had a few good hours yesterday..but as usual it never lasts for long and now im starting to go off into my own little world again, where i dont really want to think about anything at all but thoughts keep getting through and i pretend not to notice them but well its kinda hard to ignore them..for some reason i got around to telling my doc that i and all of my siblings are adopted..but in saying that i always had to let her know that well thats pretty much all i know and im not supposed to know it..but bringing it up brings up other thoughts to and those are some that i dont want to think about..i dont know is an answer i give an awfully lot with her..sometimes i really dont know..and sometimes the truth is a lot more scarier and i dont want to tell her just yet..eventually i guess ill get around to letting her know but its hard..yes i have thoughts about being adopted..lots of them ..but im not sure im ready to go and actually tell what they are..piece by confused piece everything seems to just start falling apart..how come i just cant be bad..how come there has to be a reason behind it..im horrible..thats about it...but then i go and s ee her and she tells me that maybe looking at it differently will help..i dont want to..i want things to stay the same..i dont want things to change..and now that that little tantrum is out of my system.. i guess i know that things do have to change at some point..now or later..which ever..after i try to kill myself or before..well thats the way i see it anyway..i dont understand why it has to be my choice though..ok i do but i want someone to tell me anyway..geez linda has told me like 5 times..and each time i hear it and dont hear it..at some point i stop listening because i dont like what im hearing..i should work on that..

but anyway..this week i actually have homework..that i actually have to do..umm how the your not good enough stuff from mommy has affected me..and so on and so forth..forgot the rest of it..but i told her i would think about it and actually write what i thought about..guess that means ill have to pay attention to my thoughts..

Happy Birthday to me

Happy Birthday To Me



wow..im 25..and suddenly i dont know what ive done with my life..ok ive never known what ive done with my life..but its just harder to think about it and process it all today/tonight..

my birthday has been ok..nothing thrilling..for the most part just another day..yvonne came though friday night and stayed through to today..which iam really happy for..but i just wish i could have been happier about stuff more..mostly we just hung out..we went to the beach twice..i actually got a little wet this morning..surprise surprise..and we went to the movies and saw igor..and she got me a mini sock monkey that has been named micki..we went out to dinner..and wandered around wilmington for the day..today she helped me make a cake..she decorated it..and so i went and took the piece right out of the middle..the pictures are funny..it was just ok..im glad the day is over with though...

..

starting to feel really scared and anxious about my birthday tomorrow. mostly did stuff today with yvonne becasue she came yesterday night to visit. hung out and did some things today and we are going to the beach early tomorrow morning for a little bit..but i did ok most of the day without being to foggy/drifty..but now starting to zone out and feel too many things..really worried and sad..worried about making it through tomorrow..sad that im not happier about it..its my birthday..i should feel happy right? i dont know..im happy yvonne came but had a hard morning and didnt want to really do anything..but ended up having fun..stayed present..but now as things are dying down my head is drifting again...im feeling a little stressed about it all..trying to remind myself to stay calm..that its ok..and im ok..dont know if its helping or not..but i guess ill head to bed..its been a long day and if i stay up ill just stress more about it all..

today is better

calmer today at least. it has been a really really hard week. starting talking in therapy and i mean it really was the barest of anything i could have said and it just freaked me out big time. ended up going back..and surprisingly left her feeling calmer..left and my head was quiet so that was something..not really zeroing in on anything we talked about but i did want to find that thing on cutting to give her..but now of course i dont remember where ive seen it at..rats..

now just gotta make it through my birthday

silence

i dont want to be around anyone right now. i wish i had never said anything at all to my therapist about anything that happened. and most of all i wish i hadnt promised to not cut..because in doing the contract thats how i see it..the guideline is once everytwo weeks..but if i did it then i would feel like i just failed and wouldnt want to start again..still thinking about it..have been thinking about it since yesterday after therapy..and had almost convinced myself that it would be ok to cut..becasue it would jjust stop all the thoughts..didnt think about my distractions, didnt really think about anything and most certainly didnt think about calling linda..i dont want her to talk me out of what i want..but if i did cut an d didnt call theguilt would be horrible..during therapy yesterday after talking for awhile..she told me to call if i needed to, yesterday today whenever, she told me she had extra time on friday if ineeded to come back..yes im incredbily screwed up and suicidal..and will most likely have to figure out money to go back on friday because with my birthday being sunday im not exactly sure how ok ill be..im not even sure i can make it through today..much less the rest of the week. i dont want to be here .. i dont like being stuck in my head. i dont like thinking about everything that inever ewant to think about..i regret what i started yesterday but now im not even sure it can be taken back..ive already said it..and it wasnt eeven a lot..just a little bit about being hit and it feels like the world will end..that ill be in so so much trouble..and i want to take it back i really do. but i did tell her that i would give it a couple hours before i started to fall apart..and thats why she told me to call back..and it would have been nice if it had really been a couple hours..it was more like a few minutes after leaving her and my head just went all over the pplace and i wasnt ok anymore..i had been thinking i didnt want to say anything because she wouldnt be able to handle it..but now i know that wasnt true..all along the underlying thing was whether or not i would be able to handle it ..and i cant..i cant deal with it..i am bad..and talking about it only makes it worse

hadnt considered..

maybe im trying to hard with it all and its stopping me from getting to the bottom of any of it..and until a friend brought it up i really hadnt considered it much..but maybe i am trying to hard to just be like everyone else i guess..to expect that it will all happen overnight and it will all be ok and ill just start talking about everything cas thats how its supposed to be..and thats just not how it is..thats not how i work..so maybe i have been going about it all the wrong way and pushing to hard to get better in a way and have everything fixed and ok because thats how i want it to be..patience..tolerance..acceptance..all things i really do not currently apply to myself..i want to rush and thats not doing anything but making things harder in some aspects. i dont go to work and expect my kids to master something overnight. that wouldnt be fair to them. that would be asking a heck of a lot. but i do it with myself. i expect myself to do everything, to manage everything, and thats not fair at all.
guess i have been pushing a bit hard lately..will have to work on slowing down i think. stepping back a little bit. i think that will make things a little bit easier to manage if i would just chill out a bit im told

ok anyway..umm chatted a little last night about the s/i and eating issues..and how in giving up one, replacements are trying to come back. like the s/i and purging go back and forth. cant do them both at the same time, its either one or the other. and without cutting its like yes b/p is back. and that just is not good. cant replace it with something else that will be hard to give up. no havent really addressed it but id rather it didnt get any worse. so i was thinking about eating and there is a lot of worrying about how it is scary trying to eat and for it to be healthy without resorting to ed behaviors. its so hard finding the line between whats ok and whats not ok when it comes to eating and not going overboard with it. its another foreign area, do something because its good for you not because it will turn into another way to restrict or binge because i can..and because its easy to get away with. somehow things just have to be put into perspective and that would also have to involve ignoring a lot of what the mom says about me. because yes weight is an issue but i have to deal with it not her. so it cant be about her or what she thinks and wants. i have to cut down on the snacking and junk food though, and have decided to start actually cooking again. decided to just work on eating healthier/organic without being vegetarian. suddenly feeling more concern for the earth and what not and all the green stuff coming out is pretty cool you know.



so lots to think about..and maybe i do already have something to talk to therapist about tomorrow. maybe she will be able to help me come up with some ideas about how to have more patience and slow down some things..worth a try i think

so here it is..

my life is depressing..and im not saying that in a way to ask for pity or anything..because i dont know i dont want pity..i know my life has quite a few sucky points but it has fun times too..times full of laughing and silliness and fun and safety..when things really feel like they are ok..like the world wont end right this minute and im ok. but those times never last, they always go away and im just stuck..and alone in a lot of ways..my silence traps me..cant ask for help..i cant ask to be noticed or wanted..i dont want it and i do want it..

nevermind...cant figure out the words again..

thinking

how do you do it..just talk and talk and not really be so scared and worried. i cant get past that at all..and the more i think about it and wonder the more confusing it does seem. because it looking at it i guess its easy to say im not being very helpful with therapy..and im avoiding or in so much denial it makes no sense..but im not sure thats the entire picture..it cant be..yes i avoid but it just kinda gets all weird after that ..and then i just dont know..and this is all confusing..its just hard because im just scared of all of it and worried about things changing and really having to look at it all..i dont want to do that..

i want to give up..i really do..to just stop caring..stop thinking..stop living..stop questioning it all..

hmmm

wondering why the saddness doesnt go away.

im ok but im sad
im calm but im sad
im empty but still so sad

i dont know

another day

work was wonderfully busy today for the most part..it was gross having to clean my cls room..like some really gross moments but as of now her room is all nice and neat and organized...it took all day..but its done..and my supervisor came and well supervised lol..and she sat and watched and talked to my cl and its like finally you see what i say when its like seriously we do chores all day long! but it was ok..another tiring day at work...

it took some time to get up and moving this morning..i almost didnt want to go to work..almost showed up later as usual cas i didnt want to get out of bed again..

feeling kinda fuzzy again today ..so not much to talk about..

disappointed..struggling

feeling really disappointed..sad..angry..i dont know..its just so hard..maybe i cant be helped..maybe its not worth it to keep trying if i cant do it..i hate this..i go every single week..and its like its not enough to break through...everything is forgotten as soon as i sit down and start to get nervous cas i dont know what to say..i dont know what im doing..i want to give up..screw it..i dont want to try any more..


but then i wonder how long it will take before suicide starts looking better and better...maybe therapy is all that keeps me from going and actually doing it i dont know..like there is some line that has been drawn dealing with the T and i wont cross it..doesnt matter how bad it is..it just cant be crossed..big fear in doing that..because somewhere in all the thoughts today i kinda realized that there is an ultimate goal..and it comes up every so often and then goes away again..but its just for the longest time..dying..somehow it always goes to that i guess..underneath everything the want of escaping is to much...i dont know

fighting the urge to cut..trying still at least..

wow

feeling really tired today..want to go to bed but trying to stay awake because its still so early! have been up since like 5 or so because of having to finish stuff for work and then work was really tiring today..i was at my wits end with my cl today..and i was so agitated when i left her house..but yea guess its all catching up with me now...trying to get all the paper work done that ineed to turn in tomorrow and i will have caught up! finally !! i vow to work harder at keeping up with paperwork! gosh it bites getting behind in it..cas theres always so much to write about...but besides that..i have felt ok today..just coasting along...

tomorrow will make one month with no cutting..it is a little shocking!! but i think the proudness is starting to set in just a little bit. it is a big deal..i think..i hope..

and i also realized today that well .. i dont see therapy as the end of the world anymore..still get queasy when i have to go..but overall its not so bad...

just wow right now

hmm

well now that im actually considering writing ..i dont know what i want to say anymore..

having a hard day..pretty much..mommy is back home now and so things are back to usual i guess..was looking for more jobs so i can put out more applications..need to move..but not going to get into that..

finally decided that im going to take a trip to myrtle beach but im going to do it the weekend after my birthday..and i told mommy that i was going to go with yvonne because well if i just said i was going alone it would be a big big biiiiiiiiiiiiiig deal..so ill just have to remember to let yvonne know not to mention that she wasnt there..just a couple days to myself ...and i would go to ashevillle but thats a 6 hour drive and im not sure i can afford gas for that...so myrtle beach it is..hopefully i get to go..and can manage to get the money together for the hotel and everything..

maybe after i get a new job and everything i can plan a trip somewhere..maybe colorado! ha could be fun ..maybe oregon to see erika..dont know..but a really nice trip somewhere none the less.

feeling gross

today has been one of those eat everything in sight type days..every time i turn around i want something else to snack on ugh..i know its cause im bored and nothing is keeping my attention..

but the storm has passed and the weather is good and its such an annoyance..slept through most of it last night..did something not so good inorder to sleep through it last night..its not that i take the wrong meds often or anything..but the anxiety was killer last night so i borrowed meds..that well obviously i cant go and put back..but its over and done with and im alright..

hurricanes..and what not

im waiting for hanna to hit...have been waiting since yesterday and the more i wait the more stressed and anxious i feel..the waiting is driving me insane...making me feel all paranoid... it seems like its just taking forever thoughts are starting to go all over the place and now we are at home alone until tomorrow night sometime and its not that i feel unsafe..its just the anxiety is becoming overwhelming..the anxiety makes me want to cut..so just trying to keep it together..no need to make mommy think i cant even be trusted home alone..not cool..

think im going to go and try to sleep..dont feel like writing anymore

withdrawl and other things

i promise to never ever ever say anything at all about a person going through withdrawl from anything...it feels like im going through withdrawl..it feels like i want to just claw at my skin because i want release..and cant have it..wont let myself have it..thoughts of cutting just invade my head ..i want to yell or scream or cry..something..anything..i want the calmness..the escape..the relief..had therapy today ...wasnt pleased because i did call her in the end yesterday..didnt cut..freaked big time but didnt cut.and she got back to me last night while i was still up and we talked...and so she kinda knew i wasnt ok when i saw her today..we talked about lots of different things and i zoned out during some of it..but we talked a bit about cutting and how im getting frustrated with all of it because it makes me uncomfortable to have to deal with all of it without my usual means of escape..and i think that and want to just throw a tantrum..i hate that its true..i hate that i cant seem to escape myself anymore..i hate that i b/p the other day and now my chest hurts when i breathe to deeply..but thats something else entirely..its just hard..everything now..but she did congratulate me on making it through yesterday..and i told her i was more mad at myself than pleased that i had made it without cutting..but then we talked about other stuff and i asked her a question that she told me she didnt want to answer..have to admit that i felt rather pleased that i made her feel just a bit uncomfortable..i didnt mean to but once i knew she didnt like the question..it evened the playing field in a way..yea theres stuff i dont want to talk about and makes me uncomfortable..but its the same for her too..well not the same stuff or anything..but still..i wasnt sorry i asked.. i was disappoiinted in her answer for some odd reason though..but i did freak/shut down at the end when i asked the dumbest question in the history of questions and then never gave another straight answer..yes i know what the rules for confidentiality are..yes they have been the same for forever..and yet i asked her anyway if everything i said was confidential when duh yea it is..but she asked why i wanted to know and didnt have an answer..so i gave a really lame one..and believe me it was really lame! but she let it go and retold me all the info i already knew...and she asked if i was thinking of teling her something..and she also asked questions relating to abuse and yea my head just emptied of making complete sentences at that moment..and i really wouldnt look at her at all..like worse than my usual not looking at her..freaked when i left though..but just wrote and texted..and emailed until i left ok enough again..and then i went to work...

and now im getting ready to go and get mommy and im feeling nervous ...scared...anxious..i wish her trip had been longer..i wish i hadnt been so suicidal while she was gone and could have enjoyed it more..

not feeling very ok

i have to focus if im going to write but im not sure i even want to know what im thinking right now..i woke up wanting to die..which is a problem all by its self because its prolly not a good idea to wake up wanting to die..ok so my only thought before that was wondering where in the world dusti was hiding..but i wondered if i was dead..and then logic set in and its like well your still breathing so you arent dead..well to bad for me cas i wanted to be dead..just dont know why..just one of my lovely thoughts i try not to think about except now i cant freaking get away from them..the entire time mommy has been gone its been like seriously depressing and i dont know why..no i wasnt going to throw a party or anything but i thought it would be better..i thought i would ffeel better..and not feel so stupid or lost or confused..or angryy..thats a big one..theres no where for the anger to go..and i cant take it out of myself..and im really really regretting that i said i wanted to stop...or lessen or whatever when it comes to cutting..i really am..and the more i think about it the more angrier i get..and its like ok who gets to deal with it...and im obviously not because i dont know how and im still trying to avoid it...and then i think ok fine im mad at linda for making me agree to it..but its not even like she made me agree..my stupid idea..im really gonna have to stop thinking up ways to help myself..good grief it sucks big time..i hate it.. i really do..and then i have to wonder what in the heck it is im hating..because funny i havent cut..i figure my last and i do mean last effort is to call linda and i dont want to do that just yet..so i havent cut because i dont really want to talk about why i did it..but i want it so much...i need it..i miss it..i want it..thinking about it reall makes me want to cry.. and it shouldnt..it shouldnt be this hard..i shouldnt want it back and i do..i swear to stop again..i promise..i wonder if it would make a difference if i swear to be good...dont know when i was bad but ...

i dont know whats wrong with me today..or yesterday or the day before that either..everything suddenly got a lot harder..i want to cut but i dont want linda to be disappointed in me..i would be disappointed in me..not mad just disappointed..guess i need to know that they are different..

dont want to write anymore
nevermind all of it

weekend

havent really felt much like writing lately...not much to say i guess..my head is full of lots of stuff but i just cant find the words for all of it...i guess ive kinda come to terms about the whole cutting is an addiction thing..and it sucks but im trying to stop so i guess thats something..and right now its going ok i guess..the thoughts still come..and i try not to dwell on them to much..havent had a big big urge though so thats good..but also starting to worry some over my birthday..trying not to freak out about it..

im ok i guess..should be enjoying mommy being gone more..and im not stressed out as much but just kinda depressed in general...dont know ..but i am babysitting today so that will help some money wise..and it has kept me busy a bit

sigh

thinking about dying again...

thats all

motivation..thoughts

well my motivation is back..i want to find a job, another one, i want to move. and after that comes i need to move before i really go back to walking that fine line between ok and not ok. Its much harder now i think, holding my tongue, being good. Its to much wanting something i cant have. maybe it really is better to move and i say that and have to believe it. not just say it because it is a good idea. because its what everyone who matters tells me i need to do..no its different than that..if im not tied here them my options really do open a bit more..where do i want to go? how far would i be willing to move? do i want to go out of state and stay gone? maybe being here..being within driving distance is not good enough. i could go back to asheville and thats only 6 hours away from where i am now..is that far enough? will i still be expected to come home? to visit? to help? grad school comes up but i can go to grad school anywhere..and i think thats part of what keeps me here..i wanted to go back to ecu .. i wanted to go back to a place where i felt safe and heard in some ways..but maybe thats not a good idea..maybe looking at other states isnt such a bad idea..maybe a new place isnt a bad idea...but then id have to figure out where i wanted to go also lol..and then not freak and have a melt down when it came time to move! but i just dont know..so many wants and ideas and refusals all in the same thought..a little overwhelming...but the longer i stay home..the farther away i want to get..alaska not being a feasible option just yet..but cant hurt to look in some other states..grad school isnt for right now...that much i know..but a job and one i like it..just have to find it and get it..

mom leaves to go out of town tomorrow morning.

it would be lying to say i wasnt excited.

....

feeling quiet today.

dont want to do anything at all. would stay in bed if i could get away with it..but therapy, work and other stuff has to get done somehow..almost dont want to do to therapy...but then i never really do i guess..im disappointed that i didint get my paperwork turned in on time again this week ..i kept telling myself that i would do it over the weekend but the weekend came and went and i still hadnt done it..last night i did work on it some but i gave up when my mind started wandering and i couldnt concentrate.. i didnt want to concentrate..i didnt want to think much..worked on therapy stuff for a little bit but then started feeling sad and just stopped..went to bed but had bad dreams..and now its morning and i dont feel like doing anything at all..except well maybe crying but i wont do that either...im already ready for the weekend .. i need to turn in paperwork..i have to go to work..theres a lot i need to do..and dont want to..

hard to believe today is the two week mark..counted last night to make sure..checked for new scars to make sure i wasnt missing something..and no new ones..actually remembered the date from the last time because it was a really big issue ... wondering why i dont feel more excited about it..maybe its just the mood and it will get better after moving around more and leaving the house..but maybe im just to worried that something will happen..dont know

really?

has it really been just about two weeks without cutting? it will be two weeks on tuesday..hard to believe..

why now?

i was reading a couple days ago.one of the ellen hopkins books..and i managed the other 3 fine but for some reason reading glass just seriously messed with my head..the first part of it was so much harder to deal with..like watching someone fall back into an addiction..and some how i made the whole correlation into that cutting really is an addiction..it made me want to cry..scream..deny i have a problem..i cant be addicted to anything..i just cant be..drugs..alcohol..food..thats stuff you can be addicted too..not cutting..cutting wasn't supposed to last this long..i was supposed to stop forever ago..i was supposed to control it and some how through all the years i stopped trying to control it so much..i stopped questioning the right and wrong to it..and it just was for a while..it was just something to hide..something to help with the pretending..and now its not like that anymore..and it makes me frustrated..im disappointed..but really upset too..like some where something went really wrong and everything has changed..i dont like thinking im addicted..i want to say i can stop whenever i want to again but i know i cant..i know i think i need it..think being the key word there..i know i dont need it but i tell myself i do..i have to make it ok to need it, to want it..but that doesnt excuse it away either..i dont know

suddenly not ok

its so frustrating ...im ok and then im not ok ..and i cant deal with it..just feeling like i dont exist..i cant be dead be cause im still breathing and typing so duh im not dead..but it feels like i am..i dont know..hard to explain...i want to cut because i can ..because i will be remembered that im really truly alive..except i cant do that either..i hate that ive decided to seriously work on not doing it..its like i need it right now..and ill only do it once and thats it..but that wont work either..once is never enough..it never has been..why does this always happen...im guessing its just worse now because im thinking about it more in terms of not doing it..rather dejecting though..makes me wonder if ill manage ... and im supposed to be working on a contract of some sort..because i told her in not so many words that if left up to me i wouldnt make a decision one way or the other..and i would keep changing my mind..i do keep changing i mind..i want it and i dont want it..but i need it and well no i just need it..and that makes me think of whether or not i just want myself to believe i need it..and its annoying because slowly none of my usual excuses are working and it sucks..i want them to keep working and they arent not really anymore..because the more linda points out thats nothing really changes the more i have to think about it all and wonder if shes right..and i mean yea i know shes right to a point but i dont want to completely let go of my usual thoughts lies whatever either..safety becomes an issue then..because if cutting isnt going to work then what will ? and does it have to hurt? the whole you have to care about yourself is a foreign subject..i can care about other people..but i dont really care about myself..makes it easier to get away with doing stuff like cutting and what not..if i cared then i would have to know that i was hurting myself..and on purpose..and id have to find out what was behind it..and i dont want to..if i cared then i wouldnt think i deserved it or wanted it or needed it to keep myself alive..

but i was thinking yesterday before i was suddenly not ok last night..that it makes no sense anymore to wait and hope that mommy will like/love/accept me..the way i want to be accepted..and that it just sucks because with her im not good enough..never have been..but still i waited and hoped that i would figure out what i needed to do to make it better..to be happy and ok and it was all about her but not really about me..maybe ive been doing it wrong..maybe i really does have to be me..maybe i have to learn to like/accept/love myself first..and that will have to be enough..


but on another thing..i was thinking about my birthday next month..already starting to stress out about it...but i was wondering about what i wanted..and i want to do something by myself..without mommy freaking out about it...i want to go somewhere and spend the weekend alone and be ok with it..and have fun..and quiet..since ive been really really wanting to just get away again..but i dont know yet..i dont know where i would go or what i would do..or if ill even manage it..but its what i want

well gee

well that was the biggest freaking waste of my time..not rewriting any of it again


seriously downhill mood tonight..

dailup is a pain in the butt

so i finally got dailup working on the comp at home and my gosh it is the hugest pain in the butt! its so slow ugh..but its one of those free trails that ill have to cancel in a month..i mean yea im glad that its working but im so used to dsl and cable internet that having to go back to dailup is rather annoying. but yea its better than nothing

still feeling ok overall..the urge to cut is gone..its hard getting used to being ok again because it has been like month or so of not feeling ok or trusting myself to be safe and stay safe. its been hard, really hard and now its not and it leaves me feeling so confused..i dont know

but its been a slow day for me..no babysitting today and just been hanging out at home..rather boring really ..

suddenly ok

i dont know how or why but suddenly i feel ok again ..not that im really questioning it but its hard to be ok one minute and ready to die the next..i dont get it at all..


sad nia is moving tomorrow. i knew it was coming but to have mommy tell me that she really is moving makes me sad. i know shes married now and everything but i guess i never really considered she would really truly leave again..shes been waiting to leave almost as much as i have so it does make sense..but still it will take some getting used too..

work was fun today..in a big time boring kinda way..starting with a new cl and she is a talker and it is overwhellming..i almost miss the quiet monotony of my nonverbal cls! and not to mention i was told today that i may be getting someone else even because my notes are so good lol..i suck at my notes lol!! its funny..but at the same time its like ok..i can use as much work as i can get right now thats for sure..but im back up to 30 hours a week starting next week! geez its been so long lol. im not complaining but ill have to pay more attention to my notes and make sure im getting them done and turned in on time but still good about the hours. and it really was a lot of fun to go and switch out toys today!! dude it was so fun going through and looking for new books and puzzles and games and ideas for things to do..im so ready to see my kid next week just so we can use the new stuff!

but guess im off. babysitting soon!

hmm

better today
more settled after therapy yesterday.

not really ok

Sometimes I do wonder if somehow I am just so used to expecting nothing from anyone else when it comes to comfort and support. I really do wonder how it is possible to love some people but not others, or how its possible to give love to others when there seems to be none left for myself. Today has been a really bad day. My feelings got hurt and it seems so stupid because still it makes me cry and feel bad. Mommy pushed and pushed for me to get a car but she had to sign for it to and she couldnt do it yesterday, she said she would do it this morning before work. When it was time to leave this morning she wasnt ready, she was cleaning and doing other stuff. I asked her why she was doing that and not ready to go when she complained and yelled about how she was going to be late for work if she had to go and sign stuff for me. She told me I just wasnt important enough and that other things like cleaning and her job just had to come first. Guess I am not just really high on the list of important things or people who matter.

nevermind
it really doesnt matter


have to go to work. would help if could calm down a bit. maybe work will help. thoughts are all over the place right now and not many of them are to good. sucks big time that because of car stuff therapy had to be changed from today to tomorrow. cant figure out what im thinking about or what i want to/need to say..i dont want to say anything or even think for that matter..would help if the tears would stop..so much for trying not to cut. that was messed up before i even left home this morning. doesnt really matter you know. im tired of trying for no good reason

the wedding is over...the world still goes on

its funny how after something big like a wedding for a family member you realize afterwards that its not a big deal in the grand scheme of things..the world goes on..life goes on..its only important to the ones that were there... just an odd thing i was thinking this morning..im still feeling majorly worn out from the wedding and everything..and my feet hurt!!! gosh its a pain lol..being a girl is hard hard work..geez everyones feet were hurting last night ..it was funny..in a painful sorta way.

but the wedding was nice..its was pretty..i woke up really really nervous..but once i started getting dressed in the hotel with sissy and amber and ambers mom i was ok...a little edgy but nothing really bad...and then i was fine for the most part..didnt trip coming down the stairs ..didnt walk to fast..everything turned out ok for the most part..but there were a lot of little things that went on..like one of the groomsmen went home like an hour before the wedding..ppl were missing clothes and accessories..and nia needed different shoes and couldnt find her veil..and its was just lots of little things that stressed everyone out..but nia was really pretty in her dress and the colors turned out nice and it wasnt overly crowded but a lot of ppl showed up..i really cant wait to see the professional pictures...ive never had to take so many pictures ! my gosh..every time i turned around someone was snapping a camera..it was tiring though..even dee and riley and harris came..and our old dance teacher and it was cool seeing her :) and i tried hard to walk without looking at the floor..geez i think i stared right in front of me while i was walking..but my dress was nice and a lot of ppl told me i looked pretty and beautiful..and it was nice to feel pretty for a day..now im just back to being me and its like a let down you know..no i dont want to get that dressed up again anytime soon but its like im missing out on something..i dont know..but overall it was nice..once the actually wedding was going on (and it didnt last long at all!) you know i was ok and stayed calm...wanted to cut before the wedding but was ok with that too..and didnt do it..helped that i knew i could call linda if i had to or needed too..but i really was ok..didnt like all the attention or being looked at but i managed i guess..and now im glad i did do it...i wouldnt have wanted to miss it you know..



but this morning i did freak out because im missing money and i know i didnt use it but its not where i left it and no one bothered owning up to taking it..and i needed that money to pay for therapy..i was keeping it and refusing to use it because it was going to go towards therapy..and i go to get it this morning so i would have it and the money wasnt there and it really really pissed me off big time..now that money will have to come from something else and its like im short as it is for this month with everything else and ugh its so not cool..i know who i think did it but i cant just go and blame him without proof?! and where am i going to get that..i hate knowing someone has been going through my stuff you know...yea theres a chance i moved it and dont remember but i dont think i did...i wouldnt let myself spend it because i needed it because i know money would be tight this month..and now everything is just messed up..

wedding bells and such

My sisters wedding is finally here!! Well they are married but the ceremony and reception for everyone else is tomorrow. Im glad its almost done. The stress was really starting to get to me and I am not even getting married. Have decided though that if I did get married then I would do it and then come back and tell everyone. haha

Nervous about all the relatives and people hanging around. Called and chatted with the T about it yesterday because I was starting to freak out big time about a few different things. Talking to her helped and it calmed me down some. Trying hard not to cut and so calling and writing was all I had yesterday. Glad I called but it is hard admitting you know. If I call then I actually have to hold a conversation! But it helped and she was cool with it. and she called today to check on me. I wasnt expecting that at all. It was nice though.

Went to the party last night for the sister and ended up having a good time. drinking and fun and goofing off big time..stayed up half the night just to have to get up and not be able to nap today lol. We are all going out again tonight and going to a drag show. I had forgotten you know how it is fun to just go out and not worry. The drinking helped with the not worrying part! But it was safe and we all stayed at there house. Lost count of the drinks after a while but it was cool. and the pictures are so funny! listened to them singing karaoke and boy of boy we laughed so hard at them.

The biggest eye opener was...my brothers and sisters do consider mommy to be a little crazy at times. Its not just me. I dont admit it you know but I do think it. Like with the wedding and all the visitors coming to our house mommy has been cleaning everything for over a week. Pulling everything out and then expecting us to help her put it back when all she is going to do is yell at us for doing it wrong and redo it her way. and its just a waste to try you know. but its odd being agreed with on it you know. Confusing to because we all grew up in the same environment for the most part and we are all different and i guess its just a lot to do with how you take things in and process them. I dont know.

Had issues also with the dress that i had to have for the wedding. had to try it on without sleeves in it and that was a huge huge problem...still worried about it but i guess after talking it over with the T that I just have to wait and see if anyone else brings it up first hard waiting because my thoughts can get away from me and think the worse what ever it may be..but its just hard and stressful too..sigh

but things are going. hopefully i will be alright and manage ok.

little things

and sometimes the little things can make a day better ..


..the two year old that i work with..actually said hi to me when i got to his first. he has never said hi to me before!! it was so cool and then he hugged my leg because i was carrying a bunch of stuff and my leg was his height lol. but then he ran and sat right down to wait for me .. :) its nice to be wanted and noticed you know

mommy and love and whatnot

hoppefully this makes sense because my thoughts are still scattered all over the place..

in reference to the cutting we talked about love and mommy and other stuff..and i got around to mentioning that i didnt think mommy loved me at all..and how i have to be good and do everything im told so that she will..and then she talked about how some ppl just dont know how or cant express love..and it makes me mad..some ppl shouldnt be able to have kids if they are just going to be mean and hurt them and not love them..its not fair to the kid at all..and she was right in that if the kid just hears negative stuff thats all they know...it takes a lot of time to get me to say im not a bad person..thats always the first thing i think..thats what im used too..and ok fine its hard to convince someone of there worth when they dont want to believe it..

but then i was asked kinda what i wanted in a love type way from mommy..and i really dont know..whatever it is im still waiting for .. but i dont know what i want..or how to get it..makes me sad..


oh yea
im supposed to be making a list of ppl who are important to me...
aka reasons to stay alive

not to sure about that yet ..

talked about making a safety plan..next week..fun fun fun

trying really hard to process

i can feel myself starting to freak out and trying to get my scattered thoughts together and even figure out what it is that is bothering me..besides the urge to cut..i dont know..ok i do know but im not sure yet how to exactly word it..first im rather surprised at myself that i actually told linda that i was mad at her for what she told me about cutting..and thinking back on it..i really was upset about it..its was all my excuses just kinda got swept away at once..but obviously i got over it for the most part..now its just like a nagging thought in the back of my head..i mean yea i know it doesnt help not really..but that doesnt mean i havent made myself believe it does..but anyway..talked about that bit ... talked about why i cut..and emotions..and for the record emotions suck big time..and then we jumped topics a bit and talked about mommy and love and lack there of and talked about linda cas for some reason i wanted to know how old she was..and then because im a dork i let her know i was suicidal without actually saying i was..funny how that worked out..but then the more she talked about the more i didnt want to talk about it but its not like it could be dropped once the subject came up..blah..i had to repromise to call if i was not feeling ok..and that was after seriously thinking about it and wanting to say no and not promise anything at all because i dont like promising that..it makes me think there is something wrong with me and i cant fix it..i hate how much it is that i toy with the idea of wanting to die and wont say anything to anyone about it..and i know that this week will be hard because of the wedding and having a lot of people around..and i also didnt mention how hard last weekend was :( ..but i am so tired of trying for no reason..and that does scare me...a lot..i dont really want to die but even now it looks like its the greatest option..the only option..and i feel bad for thinking it..but she told me she cares and is concerned..i really dont leave her in an easy position and i know that because i dont fully talk about anything .. and i dont mean too..but i guess part of me is glad she knows...part of me is really worried she knows.. and the cutting does make it harder ..

and..maybe ill finish later

today

havent done much of anything today...came over the hang out at dees and do laundry. thrilling i know..it has helped being ovver here though. its quiet. no one making demands of me. i got to chat online and just do stuff online that i havent done in a while..played games..wasted time..the usual..but i feel a bit better today..still off though..hard to explain in some ways..but just still not really ok...worried about a lot of stuff..worried about therapy tomorrow and what i will be able to say..im not exactly sure how to tell linda that im suicidal..sigh...not good ..maybe ill make a list or something so i dont forget ..

nias wedding is this weekend..hard to believe its actually happening now..but the stress is setting in too..mommy is freaking out about the house and cleaning in her every waking moment and im not offering to help because theres no point..thats how most of the arguments got started over the weekend because i wouldnt help like she thought i would..and eventually it got around to her telling me my cleaning skills suck and my apartment was dirty and everything and it hurt my feelings because i did clean my apartment..maybe not every day but it was cleaned..but oh well it wasnt done good enough for her..so to bad i guess..but the more i think about the wedding and everything the more i wonder why they didnt wait..my sister although over 21 cant drive, and doesnt cook, or anything like that..i wonder how they will manage ..moving to a new town and everything ..and its not like she will be able to just call me or mommy and have one of us come and get her or something .. but i dont know .. maybe its not my concern..im guessing they have talked about it before..but still..

maybe im just overly worried about everything and its all just lumping together with everything else..i dont seem to know anything lately..not pleased that a bunch of ppl will be staying at our house..i cant handle crowded places to good..relatives or not..im worried about it..hate having to many ppl around me..makes me more paranoid than usual.


heard nothing on jobs..and the car the guy found is the wrong color so ill have to tell him to keep looking because i dont want a red car at all..blah...

not good enough

i guess im a bit slow in figuring out that im not good enough...or maybe ive just thought it so many times it doesnt get a reaction anymore...wrote a really long entry in my other journal and i wish there was a way to copy it because im not rewritting it..maybes its better that i wrote it in my other journal..kept me busy for over an hour at least..but it was just mostly about how ive never really been good enough..


yesterday was a really bad day..somewhere in the past few days ive become incredibly suicidal..i asked yvonne if she would keep dusti if anything happened to me..that was really bothering me because i cant die if theres not anyone to take care of dusti..but it was just really important to find that out..

i keep telling myself that linda is back and ill see her in a couple days and i just have to make it to tuesday and things will be ok again..im also thinking that i really really need to talk about suicide and what not and im not sure i can..i dont want her to be mad at me..i dont even know how to bring it up..i guess the easiest way would be to just hand over my journal and go from there but theres a lot of stuff in there recently about everything...because in trying hard not to cut my journal got more and more depressing..its funny cas i swear if anyone ever seriously figured out what was in my head i would be in the hospital because they would just think i was crazy..i feel crazy..worked really hard to not cut yesterday because i knew it would be really hard to control and if i started i didnt think i would stop..but i just felt worse and worse..did everything but cut..even managed to getting to taking my razor and staring at it for forever..stared at my arm too..and just couldnt do it i guess..so i just put it all away and tried to stay busy..except mommy just made things worse..

nevermind...im fine enough i suppose..therapy is on tuesday..guess that means ill have to keep myself alive until then