a lot has been going on

ok ill pay attention to this now and actually write something..

things have been really bad to put it nicely..last week went so far beyond sucking i have no idea what to call it..therapy was tuesday..by thursday i was completely suicidal and not ok and stressed and overwhlemed and ended up calling her just to talk a bit..because i wanted to really really cut...talked to her and then was ok a bit..she called me back later that night to check on me and we talked for a few minutes and i was ok again...and the next day i woke up suicidal..i didnt want to cut at all i just wanted to go away..and i was to the point of being ready to call her just to say goodbye and that i was sorry..somehow managed to call her and we talked for like 20 or so minutes..and i was better but no where near being ok ..but there wasnt much we could do about it becuase i was going out of town with everyone and couldnt get in to see her at all before we left..so that wasnt going to happen..and talking would just have to be enough...but its pretty much coming down to that its going to be hospital or meds..if i cant get mysellf back under control..im not going into the hospital unless ive already tried to kill myself and im not going to just let someone else try to make me go..thats one thing i will just not be ok with..which really only leaves meds or well just meds i guess..a mix of meds and therapy..yea i cant wait..i dont really want meds either and if i cant afford them then it wont be happening anyway..but ill consider them...

but last week just sucked becuase i was already on edge from therapy and then work issues popped up, and then all the added stress from going out of town and mommy..and then i found out i didnt get the job i interviewed for..so all of it just happened at once and i couldnt calm down..i couldnt even think a full thought anymore by the time thursday can around and i didnt want to deal with anyone at all..and it was just bad..and so not ok..i guess im better now..i think..some of the stress is off..the weekend is over and i managed to do it without cutting..still dont know how that happened..i really dont..because it was me, yvonne, mommy, nia and rob in atl for henrys game..they played good but lost..and mommy was up to her usual stuff and told yvonne that i was to mean and selfish to ever get married..thats a real nice comment and i was freaking sitting right there..who would say something like that?? and then expect it to be agreed with..and i think it pissed her off that yvonne didnt agree with her..mommy also told me that she wanted to make me mad because then she knew i wouldnt say anything to her..she said i ask to many questions and wont just do what im told..yep life is just going great at home..and im so very thrilled that i moved back...but i didnt want to go in the first place..but it was better asking and having yvonne there..except that i had so much on my mind that i just kinda was there but i wasnt.. i talked when i had to and when my head felt clear but for the most part i stayed quiet..let everyone talk around me..i just kinda disappeared into the background...i was the outsider..i wasnt really completely included..i was just the afterthought..sucky spot to be in..but in a way i was just so set on pushing everyone away..so set on being by myself and no one understanding at all..so i didnt talk..i couldnt..im still so stuck on making sure its all hidden..of just i dont know ..struggling with it all..but in the end i did tell yvonne a little bit of what was going on..what my options were becoming...its like 1 in the morning and well we had both been drinking..but talked all the same..she did more of the talking but i listened and responded occasionally with actual words..and the night before that..all four us us went drinking and then out to breakfast at like 3 in the morning..after we got to the hotel and mommy went to bed..and that really was fun and im glad we did it..i never want to drive like that again..but because i was such a good driver and used the speed limits as afterthoughts when passing cops we shortened that 8 hr drive into like6 and a half..with stops and everything too ! but no im sick of looking at the inside of my car now..no more trips out of town..for a while..not in my car with that many ppl..

i feel like a failure about the job..i want to give up looking but i also know that ill kill myself if im stuck at home for much longer and then i just dont know..because yvonne is moving to va after dec..thats farther away than just a couple hour drive..what will happen..i dont really care to move to richmond at all..but theres not much holding me here either..just therapy really..if i move ill stop again..and then how long will it take to get me to go back? will i go back to all my old stuff? i dont know..if i dont have another job by then maybe i will consider moving with her...dont know..

and after talking it over with my therapist..i decided not to make any big changes right now with my job...because it really was just adding to the stress of everything..and yes my cl lost hours and im now being paid less but its work..its a job and i will still get paid..and i didnt want to let him go yet..but cant decide..but now i know that when i do leave him it will be really really hard..because i freaked big time when i found out about his hours..aand then being given the option to keep him or not work with him anymore..that was just so hard..my concept of time is really screwed because i get started with something and then i let myself think it will stay that way..that it will just never chagne and i wont have anything to worry about ..that ill be ok and fine and safe with whatever it is..and then something happens and its like no it doesnt work like that..time keeps moving..things have to change and i just have a melt down becuase i cant wrap my head around why things have to change and cant stay the way i want them too..makes it much harder to deal with and get past..

so besides just feeling completely on edge and sad..and drained..im just back to walking a very thin line between being ok and not ok...like all it will take is just one more thing and ill be pushed back into suicidal zone..still really feeling the urge to just go away but i dont know exactly what type of going away i mean or want..

didnt turn in my paperwork either..for last week..so im falling behind more and more again..but last night i felt like crap and just wanted to sleep for a while..so i did..but at the cost of not completeing it..so i have a goal to have it all turned in by tomorrow..i hope..

very sad

t was today..how is it that on days when i have therapy it always feels like i need her more...it takes me most of my time to get comfortable being there and then by the time i am comfortable its time to leave again *sigh* ...thats why therapy takes so long..its only an hour when i feel like i need like 5 hours to get anything at all resolved..im not even sure what i want to talk about most of the time...i did avoid what i had written though and it helped that she hadnt finished reading it all yet..but i was so scared before i went..like almost not wanting to show up scared..but i left her feeling ok..i think..nothing majorly going on..just a lot of talking about cutting and reactions and things..the usual stuff that i try hard to manage..but now im feeling so so so sad..at work but want to cry so much..want to hide..or disappear or just run away and not deal with any of it...because i found out today that i may have to give up my cl..well one of them..that one ive had the longest..and its so hard and i dont know what to do..if i get a job i would have had to leave him anyway...but i dont have another job yet and i think a part of me just really wasnt thinking i would ever get another job and that i would be working with him for forever..but now im not so sure..i dont want to let him go..and i know his sister and his niece and nephew and all of them are going to take it really hard..but if im not making enough money then its not helping me either..:( i didnt think i would have to do this at all..not now..not ever..dont know how i would change jobs then :( but i keep losing hours...i keep losing money..and its just getting hard or going to get harder to keep up with bills right when im starting to catch up again...i dont want to be realistic or logical about it..i want to just sit somewhere and cry because its so hard and i know i have to make the choice because it would be helpful if i was there to help train a new person kinda..but i dont want someone else taking my job..its mine mine mine..now i claim ownership?!?! i dont know...feeling so confused right now..like a steady downhill spiral..and the more i think about it all the more it makes me sad and upset and then i think about cutting or something else and i dont want that either..but all that i can think of after that is calling t again and i dont want to do that because i swear i just saw her like a few hours ago..i cant break down in like 5 hours..good grief whats wrong with me

since ive thought of nothing else

it is all about choice...you chose to live or die. i chose what i do with my day, i dont have to go to work but i do. i don't have to eat to much junk food but i do. the problem is i normally do it because im not thinking about it. i don't want to really think about it so i don't and i just do things because they are expected of me, because its what im supposed to do. i dont want to do that anymore. all i keep thinking is that i have a choice. i can make my own choices, i need to make my own choices and im not doing it. soon i guess if i keep going this way then i wont be allowed to make any choices anymore. they will all be taken away from me because i cant decide. its my choice thats it.

making a choice

why is it so hard for me to decide to change, to be ok, to live..why does it produce so much fear and indecision .. i feel so stuck in it and t is trying so hard to just keep reminding me that its my choice but im so afraid ill make the wrong one ..everything in me knows it was wrong.the childhood years that no one can remember..but admitting it is something so different...yes i know it but someone else knowing makes it seem worse and real and not at all ok all at the same time

i dont know what im doing ..i didnt think making the choice to be ok would be this hard or so confusing

my 1000th post!!!!

so figured i make it pictures !!

so theres my lovely cake that i completely cut the middle out of!

me and yvonne at the beach..bright and early

annnnnnnnnnd sand drawings ..yvonne has a sword..i have uh money i do believe :)

when does it become okay..

It bothers me immensely when mommy uses the " i haven't been that bad a parent line" in a way to get something she wants from me. Who does that? If I am able to work and pay bills without having to borrow money then I do not find it important or any of her business at all for her to to expect me to tell her about my life, or who I talk to, or what I am doing if it is not directly related to her. why should she get mad at me for not wanting to tell her anything. She never wanted to know before? No I am not trying to keep secrets as she put it, but if I said I got a gift in the mail and left it at that, then why does she need to question what it was, or who it was from? It makes me think she is getting ready to ask why anyone would send me anything at all, why do I suddenly have a couple friends now and none before. No I don't invite anyone to come to our house, outside of our friend from school and i knew yvonne for almost 4 years before ever inviting her to actually come to our house anyway. I'm sorry that I do not feel comfortable asking anyone to come home because there is always the chance that she will start yelling about something while company is there because she doesn't care. shes done it before anyway, doesnt matter who is there at all. This morning she voiced her problems with the fact that yvonne came a couple weekends ago but didn't make the bed up in the room correctly. Why would I invite anyone to have to deal with that? yvonne came with the guidelines that she could stay for as long as she could deal with mommy. I don't see how anything is going to happen to us now, that hasn't already happened and I am not really sure what it is mommy thinks I'm going to be doing or have done. It is always the same thing, I say I have to go to the store, then she wants to know why, and what I am buying. If I say I am going out, then she wants to know where I am going and why I have to go. I really dont understand it.

when is ok to say she has crossed the line? when is it ok to know that i dont have to tell her anything that i dont want too..because once she starts questioning then i start making stuff up...like when she was asking about going to henrys game..and i told her i had plans..i couldnt say i didnt want to go because then she would want to know why..she would want to know if i was depressed or something..she would tell me i was being selfish for not going..and it would go on and on and on because i do not feel she is asking because she wants to know. she is asking because she wants to be nosy, because she expects me to tell her every little thing and when i dont then im the one keeping secrets and being mean...i dont know...maybe it is keeping secrets..but its not really because its more of that i just dont want to talk about my life..i dont want to have to explain every single little thing i do. i dont like being questioned and then pressured into answering..because i guess thats how it always happens..i wouldnt talk..so then it became a lot of questioning and demanding and yea that made me want to talk so much more..i dont know why i didnt..i dont know why i dont like talking now..with mommy the less i say the better because then she will just turn it all around or use it against me..until i question what it was i said to start off with..theres no point in saying anything at all..because she doesnt even want to know until its something thats none of her business..why is it so important for her to know how much money i have..or when im getting paid..or who is sending me mail? i dont do anything ..am i over reacting? questioning to much about it all?

i dont know

hmmm

my thoughts have been getting away from me a bit lately...thinking about so much stuff and hating that well therapy had to be moved to friday..how am i going to make it to friday!! but then i find it funny that i will have to go back on tuesday and its like well gee things dont really have time to get bad before i have to go back! but now that ive gotten past the fact that i need to go and actually show up..come the thoughts of whether or not i really need to go...because some days im ok and then i think i dont need to go because everything is fine ..and then there are some days when i can barely manage to care enough to keep myself alive and then its like ok fine ill go..makes no sense because you would think that i would be able to just know and stick with one thing..but no i have to go back and forth on it all..and it sucks even more because its become almost a daily thing..

and no i havent been cutting..the thoughts on it have gotten much easier to deal with..and now i think my anger and unrest about not doing it is just leading to some incredibly misplaced anger issues..because it makes no sense to be mad at t when i know shes not going to be mad at me or hit me for anything..but its just that i know i have the list of distractions..i know im supposed to use it for the most part..but what i didnt factor into the whole lovely equation of my life is that a lot of the time i juts flat out dont want to use it..like i dont car eat all and i dont want to look at the big picture or what will happen later..i want my escape and i cant have it and that is just really upsetting..but then i go and refuse to acknowledge..ok maybe not refuse to acknowledge it but just kinda ignore it i guess..and i can get away with all of it except the one little part that says call linda..what in the heck was i thinking when i agreed to that one?? because i didnt realize obviously that suddenly what she says would be important you know...and its really knowing that i have to call and dont want to call that stops me from cutting..for the most part..because if i really did want to give in i know in the end i would call..but until it gets that bad its just a way to put it off..maybe thats a good thing..maybe its not..i dont know..but right its juts a pain because its stopping me from having what i want..and so i dont know what to do with my anger over the whole thing and so i just kinda direct it at her...dont know why i dont direct it at myself though..i dont think it would make any sense to do that in this situation..im already mad at myself for not giving in..yea my funny little loyalty streak comes up just when i dont need it too...because i care enough about what linda thinks to not want to own up to the fact that ive cut..so i wont do it..because if i did and told her then that would mean talking about it and i dont want to talk about it or think about it or wonder why in the heck i want it so much..no that would be bad..so instead i just ignore it all and just stay mad about the whole thing..it doesnt make sense anymore..and it should.i want it to and it doesnt..and i hate that it doesnt because that means something is wrong and i dont want anything to be wrong..but it is and i know it but am making the choice to ignore it and that doesnt make it go away either..i hate not being ok..i hate not feeling ok..i hate not being able to control my moods..because if im ok one minute theres no reason at all to not be ok the next minute..i shouldnt be going from fine to suicidal in an hour of doing absolutely nothing..

so in my warped little mind..that im constantly trying to get out of and havent managed to accomplish just yet..which is another pain in the butt..because no i dont happen to enjoy what i think about most of the time..most of the time is just a million things to worry about..but once i start up the i hate yous..my head becomes a place that i really dont want to be in..ok so im going to take a vacation from my mind..ill be back next year..dont make me do anything stupid thanks! -sigh- things are just hard..because i want to be ok and its like its taking to long to get there..i have days..hours..when i really am ok..and then i have days and weeks where all i think about is ways to die or crashing my car..or cutting and burning..and where to hide it..long well thought out plans at times..where do i get some of the stuff thats in my head? where does it come from exactly? because ive managed to turn every single thing around and the rest of it i just cant remember..so its not exactly as if i trust my memory..and that bothers me the most as usual..i dont understand how i managed to forget so much..i dont know why..im not sure i really want to know why but i know that if i dont figure it out then ill be wondering about it for the rest of my life..and that makes me feel miserable and sad...how can i forget my life? i live it..i have lived it..ive done a million different things and its like nothing is there anymore..i understand that its normal to forget some things..that your not going to be able to recall you know the day you were born..but i guess its hard to wrap my head aaround the fact that so much is gone..its not like im 50 and have that many years to deal with remembering..i cant even seem to remember my meager 25..ok 24..its not fair..because yea i did pay just a bit of attention in classes in college..and even though i dont like to admit just how much i do know about some things doesnt mean im completely clueless either..but why trust what i think? because if i just went and said something bad happened then what will that give me? just a bunch more questions that i dont have answers for..things i dont want to think about because its like if i try i cant focus anymore..and it makes me so anxious and scared because yea well something happened but i dont know what it was exactly..and that just makes me feel crazier than usual..why cant it just be simple and easy and just everything just kinda becomes my fault..because i was bad..and that one has an even simpler answer.. because duh it wasnt your fault..no matter how many ways you try to explain it to yourself or anyone else ..you dont completely forget that it really wasnt your fault..your to quiet to be that bad..anyone who know you can tell you that..funny thing is..i wouldnt look at anyone as a kid either..because there was a video tape of all of us as kids..i guess i was 6 or 7 i dont know..but i was reading a book..upside down..but never once looked up..so i guess it makes me sense you know to stop trying to hard..to stop hiding..and i say that today because it just so tiring and confusing and depressing..and because i might as well write this down while im thinking about it and feeling slightly ok..

but im sick of thinking for the day

job interview and what not

feeling really tired and hazy lol..im down to describing myself as weather ..but had to get some paperwork done so made myself get up and fought the urge to just not care and not turn any of it in yet again..so managed to get most of it done..even the stupid ones i had to redo that i had been holding on to forever..so now im down to being late on just two sets that are due this week anyway..that i will have to finish tonight because im just sick of looking at it all..that was my motivation..im sick to death of writing them and rewriting them..and feeling overwhelmed for not writing them..cant seem to do them ahead of time because i need to know the deadline is coming in order to even put effort into dong them...it stinks cas its like as soon as i catch up its time to start on the next set..and looking at it all is just.. ugh ..i say i did a crappy job on them all..but i dont know..i dont want to have to do them over again you know..but im turning them in..at least thats something..

and starting to feel nervous about the interview..but it was made a bit worse because mommy decided i needed to have a suit..and i dont like suits at all..i was assuming nice pants and blouse or dressy shirt is good..but thats just not good enough..so mommy tells me that she is getting some new stuff for me to try on..well none of them fit comfortably..so had to go shopping at like 8 last night for something i never wanted in the first place..kinda sucks though because i realize that all my clothes from a couple years ago no longer fit.. yea i was hoping to never have to go back into the real world of work but now that its like in the process of happening its like crap..so now mommy is back to mentioning what i should and shouldnt eat..im questioning what i do and dont eat..and it is rather depressing ..cas yea i knew i had been gaining pretty steadily i guess..and just didnt care most of the time..until something happens and its like fine pay attention to what your eating..just feeling a bit down about it all i guess...will have to go through all the clothes now and take out what cant be worn anymore..


-later in the day -

well the interview is over...i swear that all the stress for like a 20 min interview baffles me...but oh well..its over and done with..and i think i did a good job..i have to admit i did better with this interview than the other one if i was going to compare them..but it was two people interviewing me..and i stayed focused for almost all of it...talked a lot more than usual but i really was trying to make sure i answered them the best i could..and got a really nervous about halfway through and had to pull myself together..but it wasnt so bad i dont think...said they would be making there decision later in the week..so im hoping really really big that i did a good enough job to get the job..



was invited to this dinner cruise thing with my job...all the ppl that work there and then us early intervention ppl are invited now smile.gif it was nice..a really nice offer..and if i didnt get horribly seasick i would consider it too..but being on a boat with coworkers and being expected to eat when all i want to do is get back on dry land is prolly not gonna be a good experience .. funny to think about now because im not actually on a boat..but good grief a ferry ride left me feeling so horribly im not looking forward to ever getting on a boat of any type again..and the seasickness meds stuff doesnt work for me..go figure!

anxious

feeling really anxious right now...of course im not at home and that makes it a bit harder to just kinda sit it out..you would think that not being at home would make it easier.but no.. tried deep breathing..telling myself to calm down and chill out..talked some about what is bothering me..but prolly not enough since its still bothering me! ugh..messed around with this..the layout and stuff..put the kids to bed and now im just listening to myself think and hoping that dee and them come back soon so i can leave..

....

Somewhere between the brilliant, white light of truth
and the bitter darkness of deceit,
is a place where many of us live our lives...
in the shadows.

things are changing..

i noticed today that it has been 47 days since the last time i cut and i saw that and wanted to cry..i dont know why my reaction was that way at all..its scary looking at it and knowing that i really havent done anything to myself in that long on purpose..but i also look at it and wonder when ill fail at it and cut and then have to start all over again ..and ruin it..i think the longest ive gone without doing it is 3 months or something..cant really remember but i know that i have gone for a while and then something happens and its like yes a reason to cut..and thats pretty much all its takes to remember how much i miss it..one simple little cut and everything is ok again..but then its like i just failed again at something else..which sucks because currently i feel ok..not happy..not even overly excited about anything at all..just ok i guess..not to stressed..more thoughtful than anything else i think..and its like its not enough..but i dont know why..

yea things are changing and its not sometimes i think im completely ok with...its like i guess ive just been stuck trying to wrap my head around choices and no choices and not wanting to make choices and things just sucking royally..and being ok and then not ok and wondering if crashing my car was a good idea or not..the usual stuff times about 50..but now i think my head is starting to calm down..and that worries me too..and it shouldnt but it does..ive gotten so used to my head constantly going on about something..always thinking..worrying..stressing..a million thoughts flying through my head and it never stopped..and now its slowing down..now i have to stop and think just a little bit more about things because of being back in therapy..guess in some ways it is really tiring to constantly have something on my mind and being unable to talk about it..hmm maybe that is what the change is..i know i can talk about it..doesnt mean i will..but the option is there...and its been a good long while since ive had that option..also bites to have to come to realize that getting out of therapy isnt something that is going to happen over night..ok realize and actually understand that i mean..everything is a choice right..living or dying..getting up in the morning or staying in bed..doing something or not doing something..etc and so forth...theres always a different way to do something i think..and of course i get hung up on all the stuff i cant change or control and then pissed off because things suck and its more over stuff that i cant do anything about for the most part...and then the things i can do stuff about i just kinda ignore and push out of my mind bcause i dont want to have to deal with it..i dont want to have to actually try, i dont want things to actually change because that is more scary than anything else..thats like taking everything and having to turn it around until it actually makes sense .. and thats something ive never really had to do before because well i wouldnt talk or say anything..and now i have and im still surprised that the world hasnt ended..i havent died..and linda hasnt yelled at me or anything about it..doesnt help that i have trouble piecing together thoughts and sentences when im with her..but i really did do the homework that she asked me to do and i will remember to print it out and give it to her..

hmm i have to go so i can get ready to leave though..i ended up coming to see yvonne because she was having a bad day and i really wasnt doing anything else with my time yesterday since i wasnt babysitting..so i came to greenville and hung out here and so ill have to go home at some point today..well soon cas i do have to babysit later on today..and i dont know when mommy will be home..

big step...?

threw out all the razors and what not last night..the ones that were easily findable at least..im not sure if there are anymore hidden around the room at home but the bulk of them have been trashed now

did it last night and then felt really not ok but painted a picture instead of doing anything else..and made it through the night..feeling a bit better about it today.

maybe it was a good thing to do finally..

possible job interview

i got a call yesterday about it and called back and left a message..they want me to go in on tuesday and interview..and i dont know..im happy but not at the same time..if i do interview and get the job ill have to leave my cls i work with now adn that makes me feel so guilty..but i also have to realize that im just not making enough to live on right now..im not making enough to keep gas in my car or to even save up to move out and its getting harder and harder and the bills just keep coming...my job isnt very stable at all..my cls lose hours and have been losing hours since before the summer started..im getting more hours now but im also being stretched pretty far and working with 5 different cls throughout the week..i make 4 different pay rates all within one check..and yes i feel guilty about it but i know if i get the job ill have to say goodbye to my job now..because ive been working with them for almost 9 months and i havent even hit the $10000 for gross to date..cas i checked my check last night..thats not enough at all to do anything with...so guess im doing the right thing..i think..i hope..ill just have to figure out how to say goodbye to my cls when the time comes

nothing ever really works out

i knew it would come up again..all the dress issues with trying it on and not wanting too..cept mommy brought it up in a way to let me know that the next time i have a job interview i need to make sure all scars are covered up...obviously my first impression is not a good one at all..and the lady who did my dress did call mommy and asked if she knew about the scars..if it was a secret before it wouldnt have been anymore.. mommy is just worried that she will go and tell someone else...which doesnt really bother me cas my first thought was fine i dont know to many ppl anyway..but after that came great now mommy has something else to yell at me about and if it gets back to her then things just wont be good.. do i need to wear a sign that says ive screwed up? would that make it better? just not feeling ok about things right now..

shut down mode

at work but zoning out a bit and well that makes it a little hard to work..but once again my cl is entertaining his self coloring and we are at the library so i have my computer and decided to get online for a little bit..

therapy was today..like clockwork..and i really didnt want to go.but i had decidded i was fine, that i didnt need to go..that things were magically better because i had a few good hours yesterday..but as usual it never lasts for long and now im starting to go off into my own little world again, where i dont really want to think about anything at all but thoughts keep getting through and i pretend not to notice them but well its kinda hard to ignore them..for some reason i got around to telling my doc that i and all of my siblings are adopted..but in saying that i always had to let her know that well thats pretty much all i know and im not supposed to know it..but bringing it up brings up other thoughts to and those are some that i dont want to think about..i dont know is an answer i give an awfully lot with her..sometimes i really dont know..and sometimes the truth is a lot more scarier and i dont want to tell her just yet..eventually i guess ill get around to letting her know but its hard..yes i have thoughts about being adopted..lots of them ..but im not sure im ready to go and actually tell what they are..piece by confused piece everything seems to just start falling apart..how come i just cant be bad..how come there has to be a reason behind it..im horrible..thats about it...but then i go and s ee her and she tells me that maybe looking at it differently will help..i dont want to..i want things to stay the same..i dont want things to change..and now that that little tantrum is out of my system.. i guess i know that things do have to change at some point..now or later..which ever..after i try to kill myself or before..well thats the way i see it anyway..i dont understand why it has to be my choice though..ok i do but i want someone to tell me anyway..geez linda has told me like 5 times..and each time i hear it and dont hear it..at some point i stop listening because i dont like what im hearing..i should work on that..

but anyway..this week i actually have homework..that i actually have to do..umm how the your not good enough stuff from mommy has affected me..and so on and so forth..forgot the rest of it..but i told her i would think about it and actually write what i thought about..guess that means ill have to pay attention to my thoughts..

Happy Birthday to me

Happy Birthday To Me



wow..im 25..and suddenly i dont know what ive done with my life..ok ive never known what ive done with my life..but its just harder to think about it and process it all today/tonight..

my birthday has been ok..nothing thrilling..for the most part just another day..yvonne came though friday night and stayed through to today..which iam really happy for..but i just wish i could have been happier about stuff more..mostly we just hung out..we went to the beach twice..i actually got a little wet this morning..surprise surprise..and we went to the movies and saw igor..and she got me a mini sock monkey that has been named micki..we went out to dinner..and wandered around wilmington for the day..today she helped me make a cake..she decorated it..and so i went and took the piece right out of the middle..the pictures are funny..it was just ok..im glad the day is over with though...

..

starting to feel really scared and anxious about my birthday tomorrow. mostly did stuff today with yvonne becasue she came yesterday night to visit. hung out and did some things today and we are going to the beach early tomorrow morning for a little bit..but i did ok most of the day without being to foggy/drifty..but now starting to zone out and feel too many things..really worried and sad..worried about making it through tomorrow..sad that im not happier about it..its my birthday..i should feel happy right? i dont know..im happy yvonne came but had a hard morning and didnt want to really do anything..but ended up having fun..stayed present..but now as things are dying down my head is drifting again...im feeling a little stressed about it all..trying to remind myself to stay calm..that its ok..and im ok..dont know if its helping or not..but i guess ill head to bed..its been a long day and if i stay up ill just stress more about it all..

today is better

calmer today at least. it has been a really really hard week. starting talking in therapy and i mean it really was the barest of anything i could have said and it just freaked me out big time. ended up going back..and surprisingly left her feeling calmer..left and my head was quiet so that was something..not really zeroing in on anything we talked about but i did want to find that thing on cutting to give her..but now of course i dont remember where ive seen it at..rats..

now just gotta make it through my birthday

silence

i dont want to be around anyone right now. i wish i had never said anything at all to my therapist about anything that happened. and most of all i wish i hadnt promised to not cut..because in doing the contract thats how i see it..the guideline is once everytwo weeks..but if i did it then i would feel like i just failed and wouldnt want to start again..still thinking about it..have been thinking about it since yesterday after therapy..and had almost convinced myself that it would be ok to cut..becasue it would jjust stop all the thoughts..didnt think about my distractions, didnt really think about anything and most certainly didnt think about calling linda..i dont want her to talk me out of what i want..but if i did cut an d didnt call theguilt would be horrible..during therapy yesterday after talking for awhile..she told me to call if i needed to, yesterday today whenever, she told me she had extra time on friday if ineeded to come back..yes im incredbily screwed up and suicidal..and will most likely have to figure out money to go back on friday because with my birthday being sunday im not exactly sure how ok ill be..im not even sure i can make it through today..much less the rest of the week. i dont want to be here .. i dont like being stuck in my head. i dont like thinking about everything that inever ewant to think about..i regret what i started yesterday but now im not even sure it can be taken back..ive already said it..and it wasnt eeven a lot..just a little bit about being hit and it feels like the world will end..that ill be in so so much trouble..and i want to take it back i really do. but i did tell her that i would give it a couple hours before i started to fall apart..and thats why she told me to call back..and it would have been nice if it had really been a couple hours..it was more like a few minutes after leaving her and my head just went all over the pplace and i wasnt ok anymore..i had been thinking i didnt want to say anything because she wouldnt be able to handle it..but now i know that wasnt true..all along the underlying thing was whether or not i would be able to handle it ..and i cant..i cant deal with it..i am bad..and talking about it only makes it worse

hadnt considered..

maybe im trying to hard with it all and its stopping me from getting to the bottom of any of it..and until a friend brought it up i really hadnt considered it much..but maybe i am trying to hard to just be like everyone else i guess..to expect that it will all happen overnight and it will all be ok and ill just start talking about everything cas thats how its supposed to be..and thats just not how it is..thats not how i work..so maybe i have been going about it all the wrong way and pushing to hard to get better in a way and have everything fixed and ok because thats how i want it to be..patience..tolerance..acceptance..all things i really do not currently apply to myself..i want to rush and thats not doing anything but making things harder in some aspects. i dont go to work and expect my kids to master something overnight. that wouldnt be fair to them. that would be asking a heck of a lot. but i do it with myself. i expect myself to do everything, to manage everything, and thats not fair at all.
guess i have been pushing a bit hard lately..will have to work on slowing down i think. stepping back a little bit. i think that will make things a little bit easier to manage if i would just chill out a bit im told

ok anyway..umm chatted a little last night about the s/i and eating issues..and how in giving up one, replacements are trying to come back. like the s/i and purging go back and forth. cant do them both at the same time, its either one or the other. and without cutting its like yes b/p is back. and that just is not good. cant replace it with something else that will be hard to give up. no havent really addressed it but id rather it didnt get any worse. so i was thinking about eating and there is a lot of worrying about how it is scary trying to eat and for it to be healthy without resorting to ed behaviors. its so hard finding the line between whats ok and whats not ok when it comes to eating and not going overboard with it. its another foreign area, do something because its good for you not because it will turn into another way to restrict or binge because i can..and because its easy to get away with. somehow things just have to be put into perspective and that would also have to involve ignoring a lot of what the mom says about me. because yes weight is an issue but i have to deal with it not her. so it cant be about her or what she thinks and wants. i have to cut down on the snacking and junk food though, and have decided to start actually cooking again. decided to just work on eating healthier/organic without being vegetarian. suddenly feeling more concern for the earth and what not and all the green stuff coming out is pretty cool you know.



so lots to think about..and maybe i do already have something to talk to therapist about tomorrow. maybe she will be able to help me come up with some ideas about how to have more patience and slow down some things..worth a try i think

so here it is..

my life is depressing..and im not saying that in a way to ask for pity or anything..because i dont know i dont want pity..i know my life has quite a few sucky points but it has fun times too..times full of laughing and silliness and fun and safety..when things really feel like they are ok..like the world wont end right this minute and im ok. but those times never last, they always go away and im just stuck..and alone in a lot of ways..my silence traps me..cant ask for help..i cant ask to be noticed or wanted..i dont want it and i do want it..

nevermind...cant figure out the words again..

thinking

how do you do it..just talk and talk and not really be so scared and worried. i cant get past that at all..and the more i think about it and wonder the more confusing it does seem. because it looking at it i guess its easy to say im not being very helpful with therapy..and im avoiding or in so much denial it makes no sense..but im not sure thats the entire picture..it cant be..yes i avoid but it just kinda gets all weird after that ..and then i just dont know..and this is all confusing..its just hard because im just scared of all of it and worried about things changing and really having to look at it all..i dont want to do that..

i want to give up..i really do..to just stop caring..stop thinking..stop living..stop questioning it all..

hmmm

wondering why the saddness doesnt go away.

im ok but im sad
im calm but im sad
im empty but still so sad

i dont know

another day

work was wonderfully busy today for the most part..it was gross having to clean my cls room..like some really gross moments but as of now her room is all nice and neat and organized...it took all day..but its done..and my supervisor came and well supervised lol..and she sat and watched and talked to my cl and its like finally you see what i say when its like seriously we do chores all day long! but it was ok..another tiring day at work...

it took some time to get up and moving this morning..i almost didnt want to go to work..almost showed up later as usual cas i didnt want to get out of bed again..

feeling kinda fuzzy again today ..so not much to talk about..

disappointed..struggling

feeling really disappointed..sad..angry..i dont know..its just so hard..maybe i cant be helped..maybe its not worth it to keep trying if i cant do it..i hate this..i go every single week..and its like its not enough to break through...everything is forgotten as soon as i sit down and start to get nervous cas i dont know what to say..i dont know what im doing..i want to give up..screw it..i dont want to try any more..


but then i wonder how long it will take before suicide starts looking better and better...maybe therapy is all that keeps me from going and actually doing it i dont know..like there is some line that has been drawn dealing with the T and i wont cross it..doesnt matter how bad it is..it just cant be crossed..big fear in doing that..because somewhere in all the thoughts today i kinda realized that there is an ultimate goal..and it comes up every so often and then goes away again..but its just for the longest time..dying..somehow it always goes to that i guess..underneath everything the want of escaping is to much...i dont know

fighting the urge to cut..trying still at least..

wow

feeling really tired today..want to go to bed but trying to stay awake because its still so early! have been up since like 5 or so because of having to finish stuff for work and then work was really tiring today..i was at my wits end with my cl today..and i was so agitated when i left her house..but yea guess its all catching up with me now...trying to get all the paper work done that ineed to turn in tomorrow and i will have caught up! finally !! i vow to work harder at keeping up with paperwork! gosh it bites getting behind in it..cas theres always so much to write about...but besides that..i have felt ok today..just coasting along...

tomorrow will make one month with no cutting..it is a little shocking!! but i think the proudness is starting to set in just a little bit. it is a big deal..i think..i hope..

and i also realized today that well .. i dont see therapy as the end of the world anymore..still get queasy when i have to go..but overall its not so bad...

just wow right now

hmm

well now that im actually considering writing ..i dont know what i want to say anymore..

having a hard day..pretty much..mommy is back home now and so things are back to usual i guess..was looking for more jobs so i can put out more applications..need to move..but not going to get into that..

finally decided that im going to take a trip to myrtle beach but im going to do it the weekend after my birthday..and i told mommy that i was going to go with yvonne because well if i just said i was going alone it would be a big big biiiiiiiiiiiiiig deal..so ill just have to remember to let yvonne know not to mention that she wasnt there..just a couple days to myself ...and i would go to ashevillle but thats a 6 hour drive and im not sure i can afford gas for that...so myrtle beach it is..hopefully i get to go..and can manage to get the money together for the hotel and everything..

maybe after i get a new job and everything i can plan a trip somewhere..maybe colorado! ha could be fun ..maybe oregon to see erika..dont know..but a really nice trip somewhere none the less.

feeling gross

today has been one of those eat everything in sight type days..every time i turn around i want something else to snack on ugh..i know its cause im bored and nothing is keeping my attention..

but the storm has passed and the weather is good and its such an annoyance..slept through most of it last night..did something not so good inorder to sleep through it last night..its not that i take the wrong meds often or anything..but the anxiety was killer last night so i borrowed meds..that well obviously i cant go and put back..but its over and done with and im alright..

hurricanes..and what not

im waiting for hanna to hit...have been waiting since yesterday and the more i wait the more stressed and anxious i feel..the waiting is driving me insane...making me feel all paranoid... it seems like its just taking forever thoughts are starting to go all over the place and now we are at home alone until tomorrow night sometime and its not that i feel unsafe..its just the anxiety is becoming overwhelming..the anxiety makes me want to cut..so just trying to keep it together..no need to make mommy think i cant even be trusted home alone..not cool..

think im going to go and try to sleep..dont feel like writing anymore

withdrawl and other things

i promise to never ever ever say anything at all about a person going through withdrawl from anything...it feels like im going through withdrawl..it feels like i want to just claw at my skin because i want release..and cant have it..wont let myself have it..thoughts of cutting just invade my head ..i want to yell or scream or cry..something..anything..i want the calmness..the escape..the relief..had therapy today ...wasnt pleased because i did call her in the end yesterday..didnt cut..freaked big time but didnt cut.and she got back to me last night while i was still up and we talked...and so she kinda knew i wasnt ok when i saw her today..we talked about lots of different things and i zoned out during some of it..but we talked a bit about cutting and how im getting frustrated with all of it because it makes me uncomfortable to have to deal with all of it without my usual means of escape..and i think that and want to just throw a tantrum..i hate that its true..i hate that i cant seem to escape myself anymore..i hate that i b/p the other day and now my chest hurts when i breathe to deeply..but thats something else entirely..its just hard..everything now..but she did congratulate me on making it through yesterday..and i told her i was more mad at myself than pleased that i had made it without cutting..but then we talked about other stuff and i asked her a question that she told me she didnt want to answer..have to admit that i felt rather pleased that i made her feel just a bit uncomfortable..i didnt mean to but once i knew she didnt like the question..it evened the playing field in a way..yea theres stuff i dont want to talk about and makes me uncomfortable..but its the same for her too..well not the same stuff or anything..but still..i wasnt sorry i asked.. i was disappoiinted in her answer for some odd reason though..but i did freak/shut down at the end when i asked the dumbest question in the history of questions and then never gave another straight answer..yes i know what the rules for confidentiality are..yes they have been the same for forever..and yet i asked her anyway if everything i said was confidential when duh yea it is..but she asked why i wanted to know and didnt have an answer..so i gave a really lame one..and believe me it was really lame! but she let it go and retold me all the info i already knew...and she asked if i was thinking of teling her something..and she also asked questions relating to abuse and yea my head just emptied of making complete sentences at that moment..and i really wouldnt look at her at all..like worse than my usual not looking at her..freaked when i left though..but just wrote and texted..and emailed until i left ok enough again..and then i went to work...

and now im getting ready to go and get mommy and im feeling nervous ...scared...anxious..i wish her trip had been longer..i wish i hadnt been so suicidal while she was gone and could have enjoyed it more..

not feeling very ok

i have to focus if im going to write but im not sure i even want to know what im thinking right now..i woke up wanting to die..which is a problem all by its self because its prolly not a good idea to wake up wanting to die..ok so my only thought before that was wondering where in the world dusti was hiding..but i wondered if i was dead..and then logic set in and its like well your still breathing so you arent dead..well to bad for me cas i wanted to be dead..just dont know why..just one of my lovely thoughts i try not to think about except now i cant freaking get away from them..the entire time mommy has been gone its been like seriously depressing and i dont know why..no i wasnt going to throw a party or anything but i thought it would be better..i thought i would ffeel better..and not feel so stupid or lost or confused..or angryy..thats a big one..theres no where for the anger to go..and i cant take it out of myself..and im really really regretting that i said i wanted to stop...or lessen or whatever when it comes to cutting..i really am..and the more i think about it the more angrier i get..and its like ok who gets to deal with it...and im obviously not because i dont know how and im still trying to avoid it...and then i think ok fine im mad at linda for making me agree to it..but its not even like she made me agree..my stupid idea..im really gonna have to stop thinking up ways to help myself..good grief it sucks big time..i hate it.. i really do..and then i have to wonder what in the heck it is im hating..because funny i havent cut..i figure my last and i do mean last effort is to call linda and i dont want to do that just yet..so i havent cut because i dont really want to talk about why i did it..but i want it so much...i need it..i miss it..i want it..thinking about it reall makes me want to cry.. and it shouldnt..it shouldnt be this hard..i shouldnt want it back and i do..i swear to stop again..i promise..i wonder if it would make a difference if i swear to be good...dont know when i was bad but ...

i dont know whats wrong with me today..or yesterday or the day before that either..everything suddenly got a lot harder..i want to cut but i dont want linda to be disappointed in me..i would be disappointed in me..not mad just disappointed..guess i need to know that they are different..

dont want to write anymore
nevermind all of it

weekend

havent really felt much like writing lately...not much to say i guess..my head is full of lots of stuff but i just cant find the words for all of it...i guess ive kinda come to terms about the whole cutting is an addiction thing..and it sucks but im trying to stop so i guess thats something..and right now its going ok i guess..the thoughts still come..and i try not to dwell on them to much..havent had a big big urge though so thats good..but also starting to worry some over my birthday..trying not to freak out about it..

im ok i guess..should be enjoying mommy being gone more..and im not stressed out as much but just kinda depressed in general...dont know ..but i am babysitting today so that will help some money wise..and it has kept me busy a bit

sigh

thinking about dying again...

thats all

motivation..thoughts

well my motivation is back..i want to find a job, another one, i want to move. and after that comes i need to move before i really go back to walking that fine line between ok and not ok. Its much harder now i think, holding my tongue, being good. Its to much wanting something i cant have. maybe it really is better to move and i say that and have to believe it. not just say it because it is a good idea. because its what everyone who matters tells me i need to do..no its different than that..if im not tied here them my options really do open a bit more..where do i want to go? how far would i be willing to move? do i want to go out of state and stay gone? maybe being here..being within driving distance is not good enough. i could go back to asheville and thats only 6 hours away from where i am now..is that far enough? will i still be expected to come home? to visit? to help? grad school comes up but i can go to grad school anywhere..and i think thats part of what keeps me here..i wanted to go back to ecu .. i wanted to go back to a place where i felt safe and heard in some ways..but maybe thats not a good idea..maybe looking at other states isnt such a bad idea..maybe a new place isnt a bad idea...but then id have to figure out where i wanted to go also lol..and then not freak and have a melt down when it came time to move! but i just dont know..so many wants and ideas and refusals all in the same thought..a little overwhelming...but the longer i stay home..the farther away i want to get..alaska not being a feasible option just yet..but cant hurt to look in some other states..grad school isnt for right now...that much i know..but a job and one i like it..just have to find it and get it..

mom leaves to go out of town tomorrow morning.

it would be lying to say i wasnt excited.

....

feeling quiet today.

dont want to do anything at all. would stay in bed if i could get away with it..but therapy, work and other stuff has to get done somehow..almost dont want to do to therapy...but then i never really do i guess..im disappointed that i didint get my paperwork turned in on time again this week ..i kept telling myself that i would do it over the weekend but the weekend came and went and i still hadnt done it..last night i did work on it some but i gave up when my mind started wandering and i couldnt concentrate.. i didnt want to concentrate..i didnt want to think much..worked on therapy stuff for a little bit but then started feeling sad and just stopped..went to bed but had bad dreams..and now its morning and i dont feel like doing anything at all..except well maybe crying but i wont do that either...im already ready for the weekend .. i need to turn in paperwork..i have to go to work..theres a lot i need to do..and dont want to..

hard to believe today is the two week mark..counted last night to make sure..checked for new scars to make sure i wasnt missing something..and no new ones..actually remembered the date from the last time because it was a really big issue ... wondering why i dont feel more excited about it..maybe its just the mood and it will get better after moving around more and leaving the house..but maybe im just to worried that something will happen..dont know

really?

has it really been just about two weeks without cutting? it will be two weeks on tuesday..hard to believe..

why now?

i was reading a couple days ago.one of the ellen hopkins books..and i managed the other 3 fine but for some reason reading glass just seriously messed with my head..the first part of it was so much harder to deal with..like watching someone fall back into an addiction..and some how i made the whole correlation into that cutting really is an addiction..it made me want to cry..scream..deny i have a problem..i cant be addicted to anything..i just cant be..drugs..alcohol..food..thats stuff you can be addicted too..not cutting..cutting wasn't supposed to last this long..i was supposed to stop forever ago..i was supposed to control it and some how through all the years i stopped trying to control it so much..i stopped questioning the right and wrong to it..and it just was for a while..it was just something to hide..something to help with the pretending..and now its not like that anymore..and it makes me frustrated..im disappointed..but really upset too..like some where something went really wrong and everything has changed..i dont like thinking im addicted..i want to say i can stop whenever i want to again but i know i cant..i know i think i need it..think being the key word there..i know i dont need it but i tell myself i do..i have to make it ok to need it, to want it..but that doesnt excuse it away either..i dont know

suddenly not ok

its so frustrating ...im ok and then im not ok ..and i cant deal with it..just feeling like i dont exist..i cant be dead be cause im still breathing and typing so duh im not dead..but it feels like i am..i dont know..hard to explain...i want to cut because i can ..because i will be remembered that im really truly alive..except i cant do that either..i hate that ive decided to seriously work on not doing it..its like i need it right now..and ill only do it once and thats it..but that wont work either..once is never enough..it never has been..why does this always happen...im guessing its just worse now because im thinking about it more in terms of not doing it..rather dejecting though..makes me wonder if ill manage ... and im supposed to be working on a contract of some sort..because i told her in not so many words that if left up to me i wouldnt make a decision one way or the other..and i would keep changing my mind..i do keep changing i mind..i want it and i dont want it..but i need it and well no i just need it..and that makes me think of whether or not i just want myself to believe i need it..and its annoying because slowly none of my usual excuses are working and it sucks..i want them to keep working and they arent not really anymore..because the more linda points out thats nothing really changes the more i have to think about it all and wonder if shes right..and i mean yea i know shes right to a point but i dont want to completely let go of my usual thoughts lies whatever either..safety becomes an issue then..because if cutting isnt going to work then what will ? and does it have to hurt? the whole you have to care about yourself is a foreign subject..i can care about other people..but i dont really care about myself..makes it easier to get away with doing stuff like cutting and what not..if i cared then i would have to know that i was hurting myself..and on purpose..and id have to find out what was behind it..and i dont want to..if i cared then i wouldnt think i deserved it or wanted it or needed it to keep myself alive..

but i was thinking yesterday before i was suddenly not ok last night..that it makes no sense anymore to wait and hope that mommy will like/love/accept me..the way i want to be accepted..and that it just sucks because with her im not good enough..never have been..but still i waited and hoped that i would figure out what i needed to do to make it better..to be happy and ok and it was all about her but not really about me..maybe ive been doing it wrong..maybe i really does have to be me..maybe i have to learn to like/accept/love myself first..and that will have to be enough..


but on another thing..i was thinking about my birthday next month..already starting to stress out about it...but i was wondering about what i wanted..and i want to do something by myself..without mommy freaking out about it...i want to go somewhere and spend the weekend alone and be ok with it..and have fun..and quiet..since ive been really really wanting to just get away again..but i dont know yet..i dont know where i would go or what i would do..or if ill even manage it..but its what i want

well gee

well that was the biggest freaking waste of my time..not rewriting any of it again


seriously downhill mood tonight..

dailup is a pain in the butt

so i finally got dailup working on the comp at home and my gosh it is the hugest pain in the butt! its so slow ugh..but its one of those free trails that ill have to cancel in a month..i mean yea im glad that its working but im so used to dsl and cable internet that having to go back to dailup is rather annoying. but yea its better than nothing

still feeling ok overall..the urge to cut is gone..its hard getting used to being ok again because it has been like month or so of not feeling ok or trusting myself to be safe and stay safe. its been hard, really hard and now its not and it leaves me feeling so confused..i dont know

but its been a slow day for me..no babysitting today and just been hanging out at home..rather boring really ..

suddenly ok

i dont know how or why but suddenly i feel ok again ..not that im really questioning it but its hard to be ok one minute and ready to die the next..i dont get it at all..


sad nia is moving tomorrow. i knew it was coming but to have mommy tell me that she really is moving makes me sad. i know shes married now and everything but i guess i never really considered she would really truly leave again..shes been waiting to leave almost as much as i have so it does make sense..but still it will take some getting used too..

work was fun today..in a big time boring kinda way..starting with a new cl and she is a talker and it is overwhellming..i almost miss the quiet monotony of my nonverbal cls! and not to mention i was told today that i may be getting someone else even because my notes are so good lol..i suck at my notes lol!! its funny..but at the same time its like ok..i can use as much work as i can get right now thats for sure..but im back up to 30 hours a week starting next week! geez its been so long lol. im not complaining but ill have to pay more attention to my notes and make sure im getting them done and turned in on time but still good about the hours. and it really was a lot of fun to go and switch out toys today!! dude it was so fun going through and looking for new books and puzzles and games and ideas for things to do..im so ready to see my kid next week just so we can use the new stuff!

but guess im off. babysitting soon!

hmm

better today
more settled after therapy yesterday.

not really ok

Sometimes I do wonder if somehow I am just so used to expecting nothing from anyone else when it comes to comfort and support. I really do wonder how it is possible to love some people but not others, or how its possible to give love to others when there seems to be none left for myself. Today has been a really bad day. My feelings got hurt and it seems so stupid because still it makes me cry and feel bad. Mommy pushed and pushed for me to get a car but she had to sign for it to and she couldnt do it yesterday, she said she would do it this morning before work. When it was time to leave this morning she wasnt ready, she was cleaning and doing other stuff. I asked her why she was doing that and not ready to go when she complained and yelled about how she was going to be late for work if she had to go and sign stuff for me. She told me I just wasnt important enough and that other things like cleaning and her job just had to come first. Guess I am not just really high on the list of important things or people who matter.

nevermind
it really doesnt matter


have to go to work. would help if could calm down a bit. maybe work will help. thoughts are all over the place right now and not many of them are to good. sucks big time that because of car stuff therapy had to be changed from today to tomorrow. cant figure out what im thinking about or what i want to/need to say..i dont want to say anything or even think for that matter..would help if the tears would stop..so much for trying not to cut. that was messed up before i even left home this morning. doesnt really matter you know. im tired of trying for no good reason

the wedding is over...the world still goes on

its funny how after something big like a wedding for a family member you realize afterwards that its not a big deal in the grand scheme of things..the world goes on..life goes on..its only important to the ones that were there... just an odd thing i was thinking this morning..im still feeling majorly worn out from the wedding and everything..and my feet hurt!!! gosh its a pain lol..being a girl is hard hard work..geez everyones feet were hurting last night ..it was funny..in a painful sorta way.

but the wedding was nice..its was pretty..i woke up really really nervous..but once i started getting dressed in the hotel with sissy and amber and ambers mom i was ok...a little edgy but nothing really bad...and then i was fine for the most part..didnt trip coming down the stairs ..didnt walk to fast..everything turned out ok for the most part..but there were a lot of little things that went on..like one of the groomsmen went home like an hour before the wedding..ppl were missing clothes and accessories..and nia needed different shoes and couldnt find her veil..and its was just lots of little things that stressed everyone out..but nia was really pretty in her dress and the colors turned out nice and it wasnt overly crowded but a lot of ppl showed up..i really cant wait to see the professional pictures...ive never had to take so many pictures ! my gosh..every time i turned around someone was snapping a camera..it was tiring though..even dee and riley and harris came..and our old dance teacher and it was cool seeing her :) and i tried hard to walk without looking at the floor..geez i think i stared right in front of me while i was walking..but my dress was nice and a lot of ppl told me i looked pretty and beautiful..and it was nice to feel pretty for a day..now im just back to being me and its like a let down you know..no i dont want to get that dressed up again anytime soon but its like im missing out on something..i dont know..but overall it was nice..once the actually wedding was going on (and it didnt last long at all!) you know i was ok and stayed calm...wanted to cut before the wedding but was ok with that too..and didnt do it..helped that i knew i could call linda if i had to or needed too..but i really was ok..didnt like all the attention or being looked at but i managed i guess..and now im glad i did do it...i wouldnt have wanted to miss it you know..



but this morning i did freak out because im missing money and i know i didnt use it but its not where i left it and no one bothered owning up to taking it..and i needed that money to pay for therapy..i was keeping it and refusing to use it because it was going to go towards therapy..and i go to get it this morning so i would have it and the money wasnt there and it really really pissed me off big time..now that money will have to come from something else and its like im short as it is for this month with everything else and ugh its so not cool..i know who i think did it but i cant just go and blame him without proof?! and where am i going to get that..i hate knowing someone has been going through my stuff you know...yea theres a chance i moved it and dont remember but i dont think i did...i wouldnt let myself spend it because i needed it because i know money would be tight this month..and now everything is just messed up..

wedding bells and such

My sisters wedding is finally here!! Well they are married but the ceremony and reception for everyone else is tomorrow. Im glad its almost done. The stress was really starting to get to me and I am not even getting married. Have decided though that if I did get married then I would do it and then come back and tell everyone. haha

Nervous about all the relatives and people hanging around. Called and chatted with the T about it yesterday because I was starting to freak out big time about a few different things. Talking to her helped and it calmed me down some. Trying hard not to cut and so calling and writing was all I had yesterday. Glad I called but it is hard admitting you know. If I call then I actually have to hold a conversation! But it helped and she was cool with it. and she called today to check on me. I wasnt expecting that at all. It was nice though.

Went to the party last night for the sister and ended up having a good time. drinking and fun and goofing off big time..stayed up half the night just to have to get up and not be able to nap today lol. We are all going out again tonight and going to a drag show. I had forgotten you know how it is fun to just go out and not worry. The drinking helped with the not worrying part! But it was safe and we all stayed at there house. Lost count of the drinks after a while but it was cool. and the pictures are so funny! listened to them singing karaoke and boy of boy we laughed so hard at them.

The biggest eye opener was...my brothers and sisters do consider mommy to be a little crazy at times. Its not just me. I dont admit it you know but I do think it. Like with the wedding and all the visitors coming to our house mommy has been cleaning everything for over a week. Pulling everything out and then expecting us to help her put it back when all she is going to do is yell at us for doing it wrong and redo it her way. and its just a waste to try you know. but its odd being agreed with on it you know. Confusing to because we all grew up in the same environment for the most part and we are all different and i guess its just a lot to do with how you take things in and process them. I dont know.

Had issues also with the dress that i had to have for the wedding. had to try it on without sleeves in it and that was a huge huge problem...still worried about it but i guess after talking it over with the T that I just have to wait and see if anyone else brings it up first hard waiting because my thoughts can get away from me and think the worse what ever it may be..but its just hard and stressful too..sigh

but things are going. hopefully i will be alright and manage ok.

little things

and sometimes the little things can make a day better ..


..the two year old that i work with..actually said hi to me when i got to his first. he has never said hi to me before!! it was so cool and then he hugged my leg because i was carrying a bunch of stuff and my leg was his height lol. but then he ran and sat right down to wait for me .. :) its nice to be wanted and noticed you know

mommy and love and whatnot

hoppefully this makes sense because my thoughts are still scattered all over the place..

in reference to the cutting we talked about love and mommy and other stuff..and i got around to mentioning that i didnt think mommy loved me at all..and how i have to be good and do everything im told so that she will..and then she talked about how some ppl just dont know how or cant express love..and it makes me mad..some ppl shouldnt be able to have kids if they are just going to be mean and hurt them and not love them..its not fair to the kid at all..and she was right in that if the kid just hears negative stuff thats all they know...it takes a lot of time to get me to say im not a bad person..thats always the first thing i think..thats what im used too..and ok fine its hard to convince someone of there worth when they dont want to believe it..

but then i was asked kinda what i wanted in a love type way from mommy..and i really dont know..whatever it is im still waiting for .. but i dont know what i want..or how to get it..makes me sad..


oh yea
im supposed to be making a list of ppl who are important to me...
aka reasons to stay alive

not to sure about that yet ..

talked about making a safety plan..next week..fun fun fun

trying really hard to process

i can feel myself starting to freak out and trying to get my scattered thoughts together and even figure out what it is that is bothering me..besides the urge to cut..i dont know..ok i do know but im not sure yet how to exactly word it..first im rather surprised at myself that i actually told linda that i was mad at her for what she told me about cutting..and thinking back on it..i really was upset about it..its was all my excuses just kinda got swept away at once..but obviously i got over it for the most part..now its just like a nagging thought in the back of my head..i mean yea i know it doesnt help not really..but that doesnt mean i havent made myself believe it does..but anyway..talked about that bit ... talked about why i cut..and emotions..and for the record emotions suck big time..and then we jumped topics a bit and talked about mommy and love and lack there of and talked about linda cas for some reason i wanted to know how old she was..and then because im a dork i let her know i was suicidal without actually saying i was..funny how that worked out..but then the more she talked about the more i didnt want to talk about it but its not like it could be dropped once the subject came up..blah..i had to repromise to call if i was not feeling ok..and that was after seriously thinking about it and wanting to say no and not promise anything at all because i dont like promising that..it makes me think there is something wrong with me and i cant fix it..i hate how much it is that i toy with the idea of wanting to die and wont say anything to anyone about it..and i know that this week will be hard because of the wedding and having a lot of people around..and i also didnt mention how hard last weekend was :( ..but i am so tired of trying for no reason..and that does scare me...a lot..i dont really want to die but even now it looks like its the greatest option..the only option..and i feel bad for thinking it..but she told me she cares and is concerned..i really dont leave her in an easy position and i know that because i dont fully talk about anything .. and i dont mean too..but i guess part of me is glad she knows...part of me is really worried she knows.. and the cutting does make it harder ..

and..maybe ill finish later

today

havent done much of anything today...came over the hang out at dees and do laundry. thrilling i know..it has helped being ovver here though. its quiet. no one making demands of me. i got to chat online and just do stuff online that i havent done in a while..played games..wasted time..the usual..but i feel a bit better today..still off though..hard to explain in some ways..but just still not really ok...worried about a lot of stuff..worried about therapy tomorrow and what i will be able to say..im not exactly sure how to tell linda that im suicidal..sigh...not good ..maybe ill make a list or something so i dont forget ..

nias wedding is this weekend..hard to believe its actually happening now..but the stress is setting in too..mommy is freaking out about the house and cleaning in her every waking moment and im not offering to help because theres no point..thats how most of the arguments got started over the weekend because i wouldnt help like she thought i would..and eventually it got around to her telling me my cleaning skills suck and my apartment was dirty and everything and it hurt my feelings because i did clean my apartment..maybe not every day but it was cleaned..but oh well it wasnt done good enough for her..so to bad i guess..but the more i think about the wedding and everything the more i wonder why they didnt wait..my sister although over 21 cant drive, and doesnt cook, or anything like that..i wonder how they will manage ..moving to a new town and everything ..and its not like she will be able to just call me or mommy and have one of us come and get her or something .. but i dont know .. maybe its not my concern..im guessing they have talked about it before..but still..

maybe im just overly worried about everything and its all just lumping together with everything else..i dont seem to know anything lately..not pleased that a bunch of ppl will be staying at our house..i cant handle crowded places to good..relatives or not..im worried about it..hate having to many ppl around me..makes me more paranoid than usual.


heard nothing on jobs..and the car the guy found is the wrong color so ill have to tell him to keep looking because i dont want a red car at all..blah...

not good enough

i guess im a bit slow in figuring out that im not good enough...or maybe ive just thought it so many times it doesnt get a reaction anymore...wrote a really long entry in my other journal and i wish there was a way to copy it because im not rewritting it..maybes its better that i wrote it in my other journal..kept me busy for over an hour at least..but it was just mostly about how ive never really been good enough..


yesterday was a really bad day..somewhere in the past few days ive become incredibly suicidal..i asked yvonne if she would keep dusti if anything happened to me..that was really bothering me because i cant die if theres not anyone to take care of dusti..but it was just really important to find that out..

i keep telling myself that linda is back and ill see her in a couple days and i just have to make it to tuesday and things will be ok again..im also thinking that i really really need to talk about suicide and what not and im not sure i can..i dont want her to be mad at me..i dont even know how to bring it up..i guess the easiest way would be to just hand over my journal and go from there but theres a lot of stuff in there recently about everything...because in trying hard not to cut my journal got more and more depressing..its funny cas i swear if anyone ever seriously figured out what was in my head i would be in the hospital because they would just think i was crazy..i feel crazy..worked really hard to not cut yesterday because i knew it would be really hard to control and if i started i didnt think i would stop..but i just felt worse and worse..did everything but cut..even managed to getting to taking my razor and staring at it for forever..stared at my arm too..and just couldnt do it i guess..so i just put it all away and tried to stay busy..except mommy just made things worse..

nevermind...im fine enough i suppose..therapy is on tuesday..guess that means ill have to keep myself alive until then

just a ramble ...

things are majorly stressful right now..everything seems to be happening at once..everything always seems to happen at once i guess..but its just my sisters wedding is next week and i still dont have a dress..yea i stopped caring when i was told i couldnt have the one i wanted..and now i still dont have one because my aunt who was going to make it decided she couldnt and so my mom had to ask someone else to make it and now its like its to late and it will be really rushed and its all one big hassle and im sick of being measured for the stupid dress..i dont even really want to be in the wedding anymore..i want it to go nice and be fun and a happy time for my sister but i just wish i wasnt going to be in the actual wedding..and then i feel guilty because i should want to be in the wedding ...im just ready for it to be over and done with.. still nothing coming through on the job stuff and i feel like a failure..mommy tells me im not trying hard enough and that i need to be more aggressive...but duh im not aggressive obviously and i wanted to ask her who taught me how to be quiet and keep my mouth shut..but that would have been making trouble and id rather not even go there with her..i wanted to take a break though because its just stressing me out and making me really anxious all of it..and i know if i keep it up ill just feel worse and worse..and i tried to tell her i was just going to stop looking for a couple weeks and she just decided i was giving up or something sad.gif i dont know..

just not feeling good over all..everything is getting to me and its all overwhelming..

..

i have nothing to say

its odd

i havent cut in a week or so i think..i suck at recalling time frames! but still its been at least a week if not longer...and i dont know..still not thrilled at what i was told by linda and i keep thinking about it and its still upsetting..the urges come at the oddest times..and i try hard to work around them or ignore them or do something else to stay busy and keep my hands busy or my head on something else...but still i feel so empty and lost with out..i knew what to expect when i cut..i knew what i was going after..and now i dont have that..or im not getting it from anything else .. i want release and theres nothing there anymore without cutting..i write but it doesnt really help much..it doesnt do the same thing..i think i miss it..i miss what it makes me feel..geez its only been a freaking week and i miss it?! how is that possible..a month down the line yea i can understand missing it but a week? missing it makes me feel crazy..like ive completely gone off the deep end...and that no one can possibly understand what it is that i want and cant have...i guess maybe it really is like a drug in some ways..i need it..ive made myself need it and now i cant have it and it makes me want to die in some ways..i want to escape my head but i cant do that..i dont even want to be in my head most days..but i cant get out of it..i cant make things go away..nothing ever really goes away i guess..no matter how many ways i try to make myself believe that it does...im just stuck

things are just stressing me out all around at home..i hate being there i really do and i guess its about time i stopped trying to make myself believe thing will be different..i write it out online and stuff and talk about how things dont change..and everyone seems to agree that moving is the best option lol..funny how that works out..and i am trying to find another job so that i can move out..but until then im stuck..and at the mercy of being at home until i can go..and dealing with everything at home..but dealing with it all is driving me crazy..what a lovely way to go..meds or a razor..hmm anyway no im not suicidal .. depressed yes but im always depressed so thats nothing new..just have to deal with it..some how..i have to be ok..i have to stay ok..i have to make everyone believe im ok..except i dont really care anymore..i dont talk at home..i hide..im not noticed..im not even there..well literally speaking..

the car thing has become a major annoyance..and its like mommy is of course controlling it all and just letting me end up paying. and she says its my choice but all her side comments are just getting to me..if its my choice then why cant i make it?! so im trying hard to keep my temper because she has been working hard to get something worked out and i feel guilty for getting so upset over stuff but i cant seem to help it. and the job stuff is really stressing me out...so much to do you know..i need more money and im trying hard to stay motivated to keep filling out applications...and i have to keep reminding myself that the state jobs take forever and its better to send out the applications and hope i hear something..but im forgetting where im sending them lol..i think im going to get the info on some of the newer state jobs and then just call the employment place for referrals since they are all over the state! but i am losing motivation to keep looking fast..i want to give up because its like i havent heard anything..i dont want to keep looking..but my options are getting smaller and smaller and all are centered around staying at home or leaving..we cant stay home for much longer before.hmm i just dont know how much more i can handle you know..its wearing on me big time lately...and now i dont really care if i have to move across the state but i will miss my t if i have to move far away. thats the big down fall to all my plans:( finally realizing i trust her to help..prolly why i managed to call her and leave a message for her to call me back without freaking to badly about it...but still have time on having to make that decision...

cutting..

talked to my doc yesterday and i have to admit talking to her did help calm my nerves...she told me that it was ok if i needed to call back after i had talked to her and had gone home..because i was freaked about going home and everything..and she reassured me that it was perfectly ok to take time out and be my myself..and i reassured her that i wasnt suicidal and i hadnt planned on leaving to kill myself..and we talked a little about cutting and she told me that it wouldnt matter if i cut or not because the problems would still be there tomorrow..and i dont know why its bothering me so much..i mean yea i guess somewhere in my head i know that cutting doesnt make anything go away no matter how much i want it too..but its like she just went and took away all my excuses and laid it all out..and im guessing she prolly didnt plan on me reacting to it the way i am..but i dont know..its like suddenly none of it makes sense anymore..why do i do it if it doesnt really help the underlying problems? somehow ive got myself thinking that cutting is the answer to keep me from really knowing what the real problem is..and now its not working anymore..suddenly its like holy heck what exactly does cutting really do for me? i dont know..i know what i want it to do..and i can prolly make myself believe that its helping..and i mean yes it helps but darnit now i have to acknowledge that it has absolutely no long term effect at all..crap..i never wanted to think that.. i was quite comfortable thinking that it was great and wonderful and would make everytyhing better and easier to deal with...but it hasnt..the scars arent going anywhere..the scars cant even be explained away with a reasonable lie..im the one getting hurt by it..and part of me is dead set on believing i deserve it..and thats all fine and good for now but once that changes to then what will be left? i still think ill die without cutting..but if i have to change how i think about it in general then i dont think that will still hold true..crap..it all pisses me off.. and it shouldnt..ugh

...

maybe the whole problem is that it makes me mad that she says she cares now..and wants to help and wants me to tell her stuff and why should i? why should i tell her anything when i know she will turn around and get pissed off at me and start using what i say against me..she didnt care before..what makes now so different? i dont want it now..its to late.. a few days of saying you care doesnt just change the way things were growing up..i was positive she went out of her way to hurt me..to make me cry or make me scared..she knew what she was doing..iit isnt like it just happened once..or twice..or ten times..no..how many mornings did i leave for school in tears because id been yelled at so much..how many nights did i wish i had the courage to kill myself because that was the ultimate way out..and i knew that would be the only way to be left alone..how many times did i have to swear at myself to make sure i didnt cry when my feelings got hurt..i was positive that she got up in the morning and thought of ways to make me cry just because she could..its to late now..i dont want her concern ..i dont believe it..

things ...

overall i have enjoyed being away from home. i wasted my time as i pleased. i did what i wanted to do which wasnt all that much. i got to play online and spend time lost in stories.. i got to wear shorts and a sleeveless shirt and there is no one to stare at me.. or question me..or look at me funny..thats all i wanted..a chance to be ok and not be scared or stressed out..i chance not to hide. a little time to just be myself you know...and it was ok but still it was overshadowed by other stuff dealing with mommy..i battled with the urge to cut..ive been picking at bug bites a lot..but i havent cut since the deep one i made a few days ago..im worried ill go home and mommy will check me for scars..im worried she will find out and call me crazy or try to put me in the hospital..im worried i think i will run out of options and try to kill myself..i dont want to go home..and that makes me sad..i cant seem to outrun my depression..its always there..underneath everything else..it doesnt go away..its depressing not wanting to go home..how can i not want to go home? i should want to and i dont..i want to just throw a tantrum and refuse to leave yvonnes place..i want to stay here and not go home..i want to scream and cry and demand to be heard..but i cant..i cant do anything ..and it makes me feel trapped..and stuck..and very very alone :(...i dont know what to do..and its like this all has to happen now??? the one time i cant go to therapy and it feels like im going to fall apart the most..i dont even like therapy and its like i need it..i have to make it the two weeks..i just have too..

but did go and see prof dunn and talked a bit about lots of stuff...cutting and mommy included..dont know how we got to that..but we did somehow..and she gave me hugs without me having to ask for them..and then i went to a movie and saw the new batman one and it was awesome! so much better than the first one! and it wasnt until after the movie that i figured i have to get ready to go back home :( i dont want to go..i really dont..

confusion

how come nothing at all gets to be about me? nothing..i just want one little thing..one moment where no one else's concerns matter. i thought getting away for just a couple days would be a break..that it would be a good thing..and now its not..now its like there is something wrong and mommy says she is freaking out..her..not me..her..she actually thinks i left and planned on killing myself..geez i dont need to leave home to plan that..i wasnt planning that..i just wanted some space to think thats all..just a little time to be alone where it was quiet and no one was bothering me or asking me to do a million different things..but now mommy tells me i need to talk to her..that if something is wrong i need to be able to ask for help..well damn if something was wrong id hate for it to become an issue now..when arent things wrong? and when does she give a damn at all? the one time i actually take the time to get away and im only a couple hours away from home even..its not like i traveled across the country to get away..but no its a problem because im alone..whats so worng with being alone? why is it such a big deal when i want to leave or something..no one else gets questioned..no one else needs to call home a million times a day for no good reason..no one else has to pretend and wonder and be s cared..but still its all about her and what she is worried about..suddenly im being asked if im cutting again..i told her no of course i wouldnt do that again..yea well considering i never stopped in the first place i wonder if it still counts as lying..i wonder if since im not at home she will go and search my room..and i wonder how much trouble ill be in if she finds all the razors that are in my room..what did i ever do that was so bad? why does something have to be wrong all the time? i dont know..i thought this was going to be a nice relaxing couple of days but now im just anxious and upset..why should i have to tell her anything at all? why does she have to assume that there is even something wrong in the first place..why why whyy..i wonder if when i get home she will check me for new scars..suddenly i need to be told to take care of myself..when it doesnt really matter at all..might as well just turn around and go back homee...thers no point in leaving when it just comes to this..

life sucks

there is no life without cutting


and i suck for even thinking that



.....
thats all

not great

today has been hard..i dont know why..but it has been..everything is pressing in on me..and i dont know how to describe it or give it words..right now im in the library because therapy was cancelled and changed to tomorrow and i just didnt want to stay at home..and then i found out that i wouldnt be working until much later and that doesnt really help the money situation at all..but whatever..

im putting off sending out more applications..suddenly there is a lot of fear about moving away..i cant do it..i dont want to do it..i want to do it but i cant..yea that just made a whole lot of sense :( i was ok with it when i was just looking aroudn and wondering but now its becoming more important and i cant do it..its too scary..im not that brave..im a wimp..nothing at all brave or strong about me..sigh and i know at the same time that i would give anything to move..but actually moving makes me so anxious and afraid..ill be going from one loneliness to another..in a place where we know no one ..but away from all the constant issues at home..i cant decide which is more important..ok maybe its just i cant decide which im ok with and not freak out about it..

but the small issues of escaping keeps coming up..and its not the first time ive heard it and it prolly wont be the last and that doesnt make me feel any better at all..i want to escape though..i want to be able to move and have things juts get better..i want things to be better now but i dont want to have to deal with the past to make it that way..i dont want to have to face anything..it scares me because i dont know what it is i have to face..i wonder and wonder what i have forgotten and it scares me because its like my life is passing me by and i cant keep up with it..heck it feels like im not even living it..i just wake up and go through the day and then forget what i did ...i cant seem to hold on to anything except feelings a deep unrest and isolation..i dont know what im doing and having someone question me and ask me makes me even more anxious..i want to refuse to go back to therapy but i need her..i dont want to have to leave my T now..i dont know how to manage with out her right now..given i dont go and really say anything either..or i try to explain and the words dont come..yet she remembers what i have said and can recall it better than i can..i like hearing her talk..and then im afraid to leave her office..i want to stay in her office to do nothing but just be there..i shouldnt depend on her like that because i know at some point i will have to leave her and move or something and thinking about it hurts..i dont want to get attached..but i guess i have in some ways..i dont want her digging up my past i really dont..but it sucks at the same time because i know at some point ill have to know it anyway..and cant escape it..i left home already thinking things would be better..and they werent..i came back thinking things would be better and they arent..at some point i will have to stop trying to just make it all go away without dealing with it..but i dont know how to do it either..keep walking into walls trying..or keep getting so scared and upset about it all...yea i guess it would be better trying to deal with it when not living at home but for now thats not even an option..

blah..things are just pretty suckish right now

busy minds...are just always busy

if there was a way to get my head to slow down i would loved to know what it was. although now i remember some of how aaron talked to me about mindfullness and paying attention to what was going on around me and staying there even..and i never really tried hard at it you know..but now its like my head runs away from me way to quickly and i just get stuck thinking about a million things and wanting to get away but being unable too...it makes me question is meditation really does work..maybe i should try it again..right now im almost ready to try anything..you know one of the appealing things about going back to asheville is that its quiet there..its a town like anywhere else but at the same time its not..its quiet and i dont know how i know that but i know it..maybe its just the closer to nature aspect of asheville but for some reason thats what it is...i have been wanting to go back..and i even asked yvonne about going back for my birthday. so its not new i guess..but it was just a little surprising when i actually considered working in asheville again..i wonder why i hadnt thought of it before actually...mommy of course is all for it as long as i find a job that pays better and has benefits..and then she doesnt care because that just means i will have to help out more at home you know..but i dont want to do that either...right now i juts want to leave..thats my most pressing thought..i need to leave and go and thats just it..there is no other option..the same way i didnt have any other options when i moved home in the first place..now my only option is moving again but being able to take care of myself in the process. i miss living alone. i miss being by myself..im craving solitude that i cant have at home..yea it gets lonely alone but im lonely at home too..so it doesnt really matter i guess..i can be lonely anywhere..but that really is my motivation right now. moving out..to move out i need a better job..so im looking for a job..and when i find one im gone..it would be nice to find one that would help with moving costs but if not thats ok too..unless im going clear across the state again..and then we will have to talk about moving expenses..but one good thing would be that if i moved back up near asheville at least i would have a place to stay for the interviews if i got one because henry lives up there..and i know i can go and stay with him overnight or something if i had too..but still that would be a couple tanks of gas...at least a $150 dollar trip..so it would take some planning i know..but getting the applications in would be the first step..but also i need to figure out what areas i want to consider..because i was looking for jobs but at the same time i was confused about the different counties..suddenly i really do hate that nc has 100 counties..my gosh ..but at the other end of the job front...im really worrying big time about the job that im waiting to hear about..im trying to stay positive but my mind still gets the best of me and i wonder whats wrong with me..maybe im just really not good enough..maybe i dont know what im getting myself into..so many maybes and questions that i cant answer..but i check my phone a million times hoping for a call and then getting depressed because i havent gotten one..i mean in some ways i am trying to have a better outlook and i know i can keep applying for different jobs and that each interview will be better than the last one..but still i wonder how many it will take to get a job..how many times will i end up getting dejected before i finally find another job and can move on into something else...mommy keeps pushing and pushing for everything and im not even sure what i want anymore...first its the job and finding a better one and then its school and im sure after that it will be something else that she thinks i need and am not working hard enough to get..theres always something..and i just cant seem to keep my mouth closed and end up staying in trouble..i asked her today why she always had to know where im going? and she got mad at me and told me that she wouldnt ask anymore..and i know its a lie..and i know she was pissed off when she said it but i really dont see why she has to know..if im out im out..if im not at home them im not at home..its not big deal..it shouldnt be a big deal but mommy makes it one..and it sucks ...and im still the selfish one because when i try to stand up for mytself or to set maybe a little tiny boundary it gets shot down and im still in trouble .. its not fair..and to make my life even better something is really wrong with my car and its just leaking something underneath the drivers seat because the carpet on that side is now soaked in something but i dont know what..and one of the tires is losing air and things just need to be checked on it but i cant afford to get it fixed but if it breaks ill be even more worse off and i dont know what to do..if i give up my next two pay checks it will be trouble for other bills..but i know it wont be cheap at all and i just dont know what to do about it..and its to expensive right now to rent a car and just give my car a break but if i still have to get it fixed then i would still end up paying for it...i want another car..but no one would take the one i have now as a trade in..and riley and harris have left for camp so thats no extra money for a month...im just going to keep falling behind with things if i have to get my car fixed..geez..life is grand isnt it.