suddenly ok

i dont know how or why but suddenly i feel ok again ..not that im really questioning it but its hard to be ok one minute and ready to die the next..i dont get it at all..


sad nia is moving tomorrow. i knew it was coming but to have mommy tell me that she really is moving makes me sad. i know shes married now and everything but i guess i never really considered she would really truly leave again..shes been waiting to leave almost as much as i have so it does make sense..but still it will take some getting used too..

work was fun today..in a big time boring kinda way..starting with a new cl and she is a talker and it is overwhellming..i almost miss the quiet monotony of my nonverbal cls! and not to mention i was told today that i may be getting someone else even because my notes are so good lol..i suck at my notes lol!! its funny..but at the same time its like ok..i can use as much work as i can get right now thats for sure..but im back up to 30 hours a week starting next week! geez its been so long lol. im not complaining but ill have to pay more attention to my notes and make sure im getting them done and turned in on time but still good about the hours. and it really was a lot of fun to go and switch out toys today!! dude it was so fun going through and looking for new books and puzzles and games and ideas for things to do..im so ready to see my kid next week just so we can use the new stuff!

but guess im off. babysitting soon!

hmm

better today
more settled after therapy yesterday.

not really ok

Sometimes I do wonder if somehow I am just so used to expecting nothing from anyone else when it comes to comfort and support. I really do wonder how it is possible to love some people but not others, or how its possible to give love to others when there seems to be none left for myself. Today has been a really bad day. My feelings got hurt and it seems so stupid because still it makes me cry and feel bad. Mommy pushed and pushed for me to get a car but she had to sign for it to and she couldnt do it yesterday, she said she would do it this morning before work. When it was time to leave this morning she wasnt ready, she was cleaning and doing other stuff. I asked her why she was doing that and not ready to go when she complained and yelled about how she was going to be late for work if she had to go and sign stuff for me. She told me I just wasnt important enough and that other things like cleaning and her job just had to come first. Guess I am not just really high on the list of important things or people who matter.

nevermind
it really doesnt matter


have to go to work. would help if could calm down a bit. maybe work will help. thoughts are all over the place right now and not many of them are to good. sucks big time that because of car stuff therapy had to be changed from today to tomorrow. cant figure out what im thinking about or what i want to/need to say..i dont want to say anything or even think for that matter..would help if the tears would stop..so much for trying not to cut. that was messed up before i even left home this morning. doesnt really matter you know. im tired of trying for no good reason

the wedding is over...the world still goes on

its funny how after something big like a wedding for a family member you realize afterwards that its not a big deal in the grand scheme of things..the world goes on..life goes on..its only important to the ones that were there... just an odd thing i was thinking this morning..im still feeling majorly worn out from the wedding and everything..and my feet hurt!!! gosh its a pain lol..being a girl is hard hard work..geez everyones feet were hurting last night ..it was funny..in a painful sorta way.

but the wedding was nice..its was pretty..i woke up really really nervous..but once i started getting dressed in the hotel with sissy and amber and ambers mom i was ok...a little edgy but nothing really bad...and then i was fine for the most part..didnt trip coming down the stairs ..didnt walk to fast..everything turned out ok for the most part..but there were a lot of little things that went on..like one of the groomsmen went home like an hour before the wedding..ppl were missing clothes and accessories..and nia needed different shoes and couldnt find her veil..and its was just lots of little things that stressed everyone out..but nia was really pretty in her dress and the colors turned out nice and it wasnt overly crowded but a lot of ppl showed up..i really cant wait to see the professional pictures...ive never had to take so many pictures ! my gosh..every time i turned around someone was snapping a camera..it was tiring though..even dee and riley and harris came..and our old dance teacher and it was cool seeing her :) and i tried hard to walk without looking at the floor..geez i think i stared right in front of me while i was walking..but my dress was nice and a lot of ppl told me i looked pretty and beautiful..and it was nice to feel pretty for a day..now im just back to being me and its like a let down you know..no i dont want to get that dressed up again anytime soon but its like im missing out on something..i dont know..but overall it was nice..once the actually wedding was going on (and it didnt last long at all!) you know i was ok and stayed calm...wanted to cut before the wedding but was ok with that too..and didnt do it..helped that i knew i could call linda if i had to or needed too..but i really was ok..didnt like all the attention or being looked at but i managed i guess..and now im glad i did do it...i wouldnt have wanted to miss it you know..



but this morning i did freak out because im missing money and i know i didnt use it but its not where i left it and no one bothered owning up to taking it..and i needed that money to pay for therapy..i was keeping it and refusing to use it because it was going to go towards therapy..and i go to get it this morning so i would have it and the money wasnt there and it really really pissed me off big time..now that money will have to come from something else and its like im short as it is for this month with everything else and ugh its so not cool..i know who i think did it but i cant just go and blame him without proof?! and where am i going to get that..i hate knowing someone has been going through my stuff you know...yea theres a chance i moved it and dont remember but i dont think i did...i wouldnt let myself spend it because i needed it because i know money would be tight this month..and now everything is just messed up..

wedding bells and such

My sisters wedding is finally here!! Well they are married but the ceremony and reception for everyone else is tomorrow. Im glad its almost done. The stress was really starting to get to me and I am not even getting married. Have decided though that if I did get married then I would do it and then come back and tell everyone. haha

Nervous about all the relatives and people hanging around. Called and chatted with the T about it yesterday because I was starting to freak out big time about a few different things. Talking to her helped and it calmed me down some. Trying hard not to cut and so calling and writing was all I had yesterday. Glad I called but it is hard admitting you know. If I call then I actually have to hold a conversation! But it helped and she was cool with it. and she called today to check on me. I wasnt expecting that at all. It was nice though.

Went to the party last night for the sister and ended up having a good time. drinking and fun and goofing off big time..stayed up half the night just to have to get up and not be able to nap today lol. We are all going out again tonight and going to a drag show. I had forgotten you know how it is fun to just go out and not worry. The drinking helped with the not worrying part! But it was safe and we all stayed at there house. Lost count of the drinks after a while but it was cool. and the pictures are so funny! listened to them singing karaoke and boy of boy we laughed so hard at them.

The biggest eye opener was...my brothers and sisters do consider mommy to be a little crazy at times. Its not just me. I dont admit it you know but I do think it. Like with the wedding and all the visitors coming to our house mommy has been cleaning everything for over a week. Pulling everything out and then expecting us to help her put it back when all she is going to do is yell at us for doing it wrong and redo it her way. and its just a waste to try you know. but its odd being agreed with on it you know. Confusing to because we all grew up in the same environment for the most part and we are all different and i guess its just a lot to do with how you take things in and process them. I dont know.

Had issues also with the dress that i had to have for the wedding. had to try it on without sleeves in it and that was a huge huge problem...still worried about it but i guess after talking it over with the T that I just have to wait and see if anyone else brings it up first hard waiting because my thoughts can get away from me and think the worse what ever it may be..but its just hard and stressful too..sigh

but things are going. hopefully i will be alright and manage ok.

little things

and sometimes the little things can make a day better ..


..the two year old that i work with..actually said hi to me when i got to his first. he has never said hi to me before!! it was so cool and then he hugged my leg because i was carrying a bunch of stuff and my leg was his height lol. but then he ran and sat right down to wait for me .. :) its nice to be wanted and noticed you know

mommy and love and whatnot

hoppefully this makes sense because my thoughts are still scattered all over the place..

in reference to the cutting we talked about love and mommy and other stuff..and i got around to mentioning that i didnt think mommy loved me at all..and how i have to be good and do everything im told so that she will..and then she talked about how some ppl just dont know how or cant express love..and it makes me mad..some ppl shouldnt be able to have kids if they are just going to be mean and hurt them and not love them..its not fair to the kid at all..and she was right in that if the kid just hears negative stuff thats all they know...it takes a lot of time to get me to say im not a bad person..thats always the first thing i think..thats what im used too..and ok fine its hard to convince someone of there worth when they dont want to believe it..

but then i was asked kinda what i wanted in a love type way from mommy..and i really dont know..whatever it is im still waiting for .. but i dont know what i want..or how to get it..makes me sad..


oh yea
im supposed to be making a list of ppl who are important to me...
aka reasons to stay alive

not to sure about that yet ..

talked about making a safety plan..next week..fun fun fun

trying really hard to process

i can feel myself starting to freak out and trying to get my scattered thoughts together and even figure out what it is that is bothering me..besides the urge to cut..i dont know..ok i do know but im not sure yet how to exactly word it..first im rather surprised at myself that i actually told linda that i was mad at her for what she told me about cutting..and thinking back on it..i really was upset about it..its was all my excuses just kinda got swept away at once..but obviously i got over it for the most part..now its just like a nagging thought in the back of my head..i mean yea i know it doesnt help not really..but that doesnt mean i havent made myself believe it does..but anyway..talked about that bit ... talked about why i cut..and emotions..and for the record emotions suck big time..and then we jumped topics a bit and talked about mommy and love and lack there of and talked about linda cas for some reason i wanted to know how old she was..and then because im a dork i let her know i was suicidal without actually saying i was..funny how that worked out..but then the more she talked about the more i didnt want to talk about it but its not like it could be dropped once the subject came up..blah..i had to repromise to call if i was not feeling ok..and that was after seriously thinking about it and wanting to say no and not promise anything at all because i dont like promising that..it makes me think there is something wrong with me and i cant fix it..i hate how much it is that i toy with the idea of wanting to die and wont say anything to anyone about it..and i know that this week will be hard because of the wedding and having a lot of people around..and i also didnt mention how hard last weekend was :( ..but i am so tired of trying for no reason..and that does scare me...a lot..i dont really want to die but even now it looks like its the greatest option..the only option..and i feel bad for thinking it..but she told me she cares and is concerned..i really dont leave her in an easy position and i know that because i dont fully talk about anything .. and i dont mean too..but i guess part of me is glad she knows...part of me is really worried she knows.. and the cutting does make it harder ..

and..maybe ill finish later

today

havent done much of anything today...came over the hang out at dees and do laundry. thrilling i know..it has helped being ovver here though. its quiet. no one making demands of me. i got to chat online and just do stuff online that i havent done in a while..played games..wasted time..the usual..but i feel a bit better today..still off though..hard to explain in some ways..but just still not really ok...worried about a lot of stuff..worried about therapy tomorrow and what i will be able to say..im not exactly sure how to tell linda that im suicidal..sigh...not good ..maybe ill make a list or something so i dont forget ..

nias wedding is this weekend..hard to believe its actually happening now..but the stress is setting in too..mommy is freaking out about the house and cleaning in her every waking moment and im not offering to help because theres no point..thats how most of the arguments got started over the weekend because i wouldnt help like she thought i would..and eventually it got around to her telling me my cleaning skills suck and my apartment was dirty and everything and it hurt my feelings because i did clean my apartment..maybe not every day but it was cleaned..but oh well it wasnt done good enough for her..so to bad i guess..but the more i think about the wedding and everything the more i wonder why they didnt wait..my sister although over 21 cant drive, and doesnt cook, or anything like that..i wonder how they will manage ..moving to a new town and everything ..and its not like she will be able to just call me or mommy and have one of us come and get her or something .. but i dont know .. maybe its not my concern..im guessing they have talked about it before..but still..

maybe im just overly worried about everything and its all just lumping together with everything else..i dont seem to know anything lately..not pleased that a bunch of ppl will be staying at our house..i cant handle crowded places to good..relatives or not..im worried about it..hate having to many ppl around me..makes me more paranoid than usual.


heard nothing on jobs..and the car the guy found is the wrong color so ill have to tell him to keep looking because i dont want a red car at all..blah...

not good enough

i guess im a bit slow in figuring out that im not good enough...or maybe ive just thought it so many times it doesnt get a reaction anymore...wrote a really long entry in my other journal and i wish there was a way to copy it because im not rewritting it..maybes its better that i wrote it in my other journal..kept me busy for over an hour at least..but it was just mostly about how ive never really been good enough..


yesterday was a really bad day..somewhere in the past few days ive become incredibly suicidal..i asked yvonne if she would keep dusti if anything happened to me..that was really bothering me because i cant die if theres not anyone to take care of dusti..but it was just really important to find that out..

i keep telling myself that linda is back and ill see her in a couple days and i just have to make it to tuesday and things will be ok again..im also thinking that i really really need to talk about suicide and what not and im not sure i can..i dont want her to be mad at me..i dont even know how to bring it up..i guess the easiest way would be to just hand over my journal and go from there but theres a lot of stuff in there recently about everything...because in trying hard not to cut my journal got more and more depressing..its funny cas i swear if anyone ever seriously figured out what was in my head i would be in the hospital because they would just think i was crazy..i feel crazy..worked really hard to not cut yesterday because i knew it would be really hard to control and if i started i didnt think i would stop..but i just felt worse and worse..did everything but cut..even managed to getting to taking my razor and staring at it for forever..stared at my arm too..and just couldnt do it i guess..so i just put it all away and tried to stay busy..except mommy just made things worse..

nevermind...im fine enough i suppose..therapy is on tuesday..guess that means ill have to keep myself alive until then

just a ramble ...

things are majorly stressful right now..everything seems to be happening at once..everything always seems to happen at once i guess..but its just my sisters wedding is next week and i still dont have a dress..yea i stopped caring when i was told i couldnt have the one i wanted..and now i still dont have one because my aunt who was going to make it decided she couldnt and so my mom had to ask someone else to make it and now its like its to late and it will be really rushed and its all one big hassle and im sick of being measured for the stupid dress..i dont even really want to be in the wedding anymore..i want it to go nice and be fun and a happy time for my sister but i just wish i wasnt going to be in the actual wedding..and then i feel guilty because i should want to be in the wedding ...im just ready for it to be over and done with.. still nothing coming through on the job stuff and i feel like a failure..mommy tells me im not trying hard enough and that i need to be more aggressive...but duh im not aggressive obviously and i wanted to ask her who taught me how to be quiet and keep my mouth shut..but that would have been making trouble and id rather not even go there with her..i wanted to take a break though because its just stressing me out and making me really anxious all of it..and i know if i keep it up ill just feel worse and worse..and i tried to tell her i was just going to stop looking for a couple weeks and she just decided i was giving up or something sad.gif i dont know..

just not feeling good over all..everything is getting to me and its all overwhelming..

..

i have nothing to say

its odd

i havent cut in a week or so i think..i suck at recalling time frames! but still its been at least a week if not longer...and i dont know..still not thrilled at what i was told by linda and i keep thinking about it and its still upsetting..the urges come at the oddest times..and i try hard to work around them or ignore them or do something else to stay busy and keep my hands busy or my head on something else...but still i feel so empty and lost with out..i knew what to expect when i cut..i knew what i was going after..and now i dont have that..or im not getting it from anything else .. i want release and theres nothing there anymore without cutting..i write but it doesnt really help much..it doesnt do the same thing..i think i miss it..i miss what it makes me feel..geez its only been a freaking week and i miss it?! how is that possible..a month down the line yea i can understand missing it but a week? missing it makes me feel crazy..like ive completely gone off the deep end...and that no one can possibly understand what it is that i want and cant have...i guess maybe it really is like a drug in some ways..i need it..ive made myself need it and now i cant have it and it makes me want to die in some ways..i want to escape my head but i cant do that..i dont even want to be in my head most days..but i cant get out of it..i cant make things go away..nothing ever really goes away i guess..no matter how many ways i try to make myself believe that it does...im just stuck

things are just stressing me out all around at home..i hate being there i really do and i guess its about time i stopped trying to make myself believe thing will be different..i write it out online and stuff and talk about how things dont change..and everyone seems to agree that moving is the best option lol..funny how that works out..and i am trying to find another job so that i can move out..but until then im stuck..and at the mercy of being at home until i can go..and dealing with everything at home..but dealing with it all is driving me crazy..what a lovely way to go..meds or a razor..hmm anyway no im not suicidal .. depressed yes but im always depressed so thats nothing new..just have to deal with it..some how..i have to be ok..i have to stay ok..i have to make everyone believe im ok..except i dont really care anymore..i dont talk at home..i hide..im not noticed..im not even there..well literally speaking..

the car thing has become a major annoyance..and its like mommy is of course controlling it all and just letting me end up paying. and she says its my choice but all her side comments are just getting to me..if its my choice then why cant i make it?! so im trying hard to keep my temper because she has been working hard to get something worked out and i feel guilty for getting so upset over stuff but i cant seem to help it. and the job stuff is really stressing me out...so much to do you know..i need more money and im trying hard to stay motivated to keep filling out applications...and i have to keep reminding myself that the state jobs take forever and its better to send out the applications and hope i hear something..but im forgetting where im sending them lol..i think im going to get the info on some of the newer state jobs and then just call the employment place for referrals since they are all over the state! but i am losing motivation to keep looking fast..i want to give up because its like i havent heard anything..i dont want to keep looking..but my options are getting smaller and smaller and all are centered around staying at home or leaving..we cant stay home for much longer before.hmm i just dont know how much more i can handle you know..its wearing on me big time lately...and now i dont really care if i have to move across the state but i will miss my t if i have to move far away. thats the big down fall to all my plans:( finally realizing i trust her to help..prolly why i managed to call her and leave a message for her to call me back without freaking to badly about it...but still have time on having to make that decision...

cutting..

talked to my doc yesterday and i have to admit talking to her did help calm my nerves...she told me that it was ok if i needed to call back after i had talked to her and had gone home..because i was freaked about going home and everything..and she reassured me that it was perfectly ok to take time out and be my myself..and i reassured her that i wasnt suicidal and i hadnt planned on leaving to kill myself..and we talked a little about cutting and she told me that it wouldnt matter if i cut or not because the problems would still be there tomorrow..and i dont know why its bothering me so much..i mean yea i guess somewhere in my head i know that cutting doesnt make anything go away no matter how much i want it too..but its like she just went and took away all my excuses and laid it all out..and im guessing she prolly didnt plan on me reacting to it the way i am..but i dont know..its like suddenly none of it makes sense anymore..why do i do it if it doesnt really help the underlying problems? somehow ive got myself thinking that cutting is the answer to keep me from really knowing what the real problem is..and now its not working anymore..suddenly its like holy heck what exactly does cutting really do for me? i dont know..i know what i want it to do..and i can prolly make myself believe that its helping..and i mean yes it helps but darnit now i have to acknowledge that it has absolutely no long term effect at all..crap..i never wanted to think that.. i was quite comfortable thinking that it was great and wonderful and would make everytyhing better and easier to deal with...but it hasnt..the scars arent going anywhere..the scars cant even be explained away with a reasonable lie..im the one getting hurt by it..and part of me is dead set on believing i deserve it..and thats all fine and good for now but once that changes to then what will be left? i still think ill die without cutting..but if i have to change how i think about it in general then i dont think that will still hold true..crap..it all pisses me off.. and it shouldnt..ugh

...

maybe the whole problem is that it makes me mad that she says she cares now..and wants to help and wants me to tell her stuff and why should i? why should i tell her anything when i know she will turn around and get pissed off at me and start using what i say against me..she didnt care before..what makes now so different? i dont want it now..its to late.. a few days of saying you care doesnt just change the way things were growing up..i was positive she went out of her way to hurt me..to make me cry or make me scared..she knew what she was doing..iit isnt like it just happened once..or twice..or ten times..no..how many mornings did i leave for school in tears because id been yelled at so much..how many nights did i wish i had the courage to kill myself because that was the ultimate way out..and i knew that would be the only way to be left alone..how many times did i have to swear at myself to make sure i didnt cry when my feelings got hurt..i was positive that she got up in the morning and thought of ways to make me cry just because she could..its to late now..i dont want her concern ..i dont believe it..

things ...

overall i have enjoyed being away from home. i wasted my time as i pleased. i did what i wanted to do which wasnt all that much. i got to play online and spend time lost in stories.. i got to wear shorts and a sleeveless shirt and there is no one to stare at me.. or question me..or look at me funny..thats all i wanted..a chance to be ok and not be scared or stressed out..i chance not to hide. a little time to just be myself you know...and it was ok but still it was overshadowed by other stuff dealing with mommy..i battled with the urge to cut..ive been picking at bug bites a lot..but i havent cut since the deep one i made a few days ago..im worried ill go home and mommy will check me for scars..im worried she will find out and call me crazy or try to put me in the hospital..im worried i think i will run out of options and try to kill myself..i dont want to go home..and that makes me sad..i cant seem to outrun my depression..its always there..underneath everything else..it doesnt go away..its depressing not wanting to go home..how can i not want to go home? i should want to and i dont..i want to just throw a tantrum and refuse to leave yvonnes place..i want to stay here and not go home..i want to scream and cry and demand to be heard..but i cant..i cant do anything ..and it makes me feel trapped..and stuck..and very very alone :(...i dont know what to do..and its like this all has to happen now??? the one time i cant go to therapy and it feels like im going to fall apart the most..i dont even like therapy and its like i need it..i have to make it the two weeks..i just have too..

but did go and see prof dunn and talked a bit about lots of stuff...cutting and mommy included..dont know how we got to that..but we did somehow..and she gave me hugs without me having to ask for them..and then i went to a movie and saw the new batman one and it was awesome! so much better than the first one! and it wasnt until after the movie that i figured i have to get ready to go back home :( i dont want to go..i really dont..

confusion

how come nothing at all gets to be about me? nothing..i just want one little thing..one moment where no one else's concerns matter. i thought getting away for just a couple days would be a break..that it would be a good thing..and now its not..now its like there is something wrong and mommy says she is freaking out..her..not me..her..she actually thinks i left and planned on killing myself..geez i dont need to leave home to plan that..i wasnt planning that..i just wanted some space to think thats all..just a little time to be alone where it was quiet and no one was bothering me or asking me to do a million different things..but now mommy tells me i need to talk to her..that if something is wrong i need to be able to ask for help..well damn if something was wrong id hate for it to become an issue now..when arent things wrong? and when does she give a damn at all? the one time i actually take the time to get away and im only a couple hours away from home even..its not like i traveled across the country to get away..but no its a problem because im alone..whats so worng with being alone? why is it such a big deal when i want to leave or something..no one else gets questioned..no one else needs to call home a million times a day for no good reason..no one else has to pretend and wonder and be s cared..but still its all about her and what she is worried about..suddenly im being asked if im cutting again..i told her no of course i wouldnt do that again..yea well considering i never stopped in the first place i wonder if it still counts as lying..i wonder if since im not at home she will go and search my room..and i wonder how much trouble ill be in if she finds all the razors that are in my room..what did i ever do that was so bad? why does something have to be wrong all the time? i dont know..i thought this was going to be a nice relaxing couple of days but now im just anxious and upset..why should i have to tell her anything at all? why does she have to assume that there is even something wrong in the first place..why why whyy..i wonder if when i get home she will check me for new scars..suddenly i need to be told to take care of myself..when it doesnt really matter at all..might as well just turn around and go back homee...thers no point in leaving when it just comes to this..

life sucks

there is no life without cutting


and i suck for even thinking that



.....
thats all

not great

today has been hard..i dont know why..but it has been..everything is pressing in on me..and i dont know how to describe it or give it words..right now im in the library because therapy was cancelled and changed to tomorrow and i just didnt want to stay at home..and then i found out that i wouldnt be working until much later and that doesnt really help the money situation at all..but whatever..

im putting off sending out more applications..suddenly there is a lot of fear about moving away..i cant do it..i dont want to do it..i want to do it but i cant..yea that just made a whole lot of sense :( i was ok with it when i was just looking aroudn and wondering but now its becoming more important and i cant do it..its too scary..im not that brave..im a wimp..nothing at all brave or strong about me..sigh and i know at the same time that i would give anything to move..but actually moving makes me so anxious and afraid..ill be going from one loneliness to another..in a place where we know no one ..but away from all the constant issues at home..i cant decide which is more important..ok maybe its just i cant decide which im ok with and not freak out about it..

but the small issues of escaping keeps coming up..and its not the first time ive heard it and it prolly wont be the last and that doesnt make me feel any better at all..i want to escape though..i want to be able to move and have things juts get better..i want things to be better now but i dont want to have to deal with the past to make it that way..i dont want to have to face anything..it scares me because i dont know what it is i have to face..i wonder and wonder what i have forgotten and it scares me because its like my life is passing me by and i cant keep up with it..heck it feels like im not even living it..i just wake up and go through the day and then forget what i did ...i cant seem to hold on to anything except feelings a deep unrest and isolation..i dont know what im doing and having someone question me and ask me makes me even more anxious..i want to refuse to go back to therapy but i need her..i dont want to have to leave my T now..i dont know how to manage with out her right now..given i dont go and really say anything either..or i try to explain and the words dont come..yet she remembers what i have said and can recall it better than i can..i like hearing her talk..and then im afraid to leave her office..i want to stay in her office to do nothing but just be there..i shouldnt depend on her like that because i know at some point i will have to leave her and move or something and thinking about it hurts..i dont want to get attached..but i guess i have in some ways..i dont want her digging up my past i really dont..but it sucks at the same time because i know at some point ill have to know it anyway..and cant escape it..i left home already thinking things would be better..and they werent..i came back thinking things would be better and they arent..at some point i will have to stop trying to just make it all go away without dealing with it..but i dont know how to do it either..keep walking into walls trying..or keep getting so scared and upset about it all...yea i guess it would be better trying to deal with it when not living at home but for now thats not even an option..

blah..things are just pretty suckish right now

busy minds...are just always busy

if there was a way to get my head to slow down i would loved to know what it was. although now i remember some of how aaron talked to me about mindfullness and paying attention to what was going on around me and staying there even..and i never really tried hard at it you know..but now its like my head runs away from me way to quickly and i just get stuck thinking about a million things and wanting to get away but being unable too...it makes me question is meditation really does work..maybe i should try it again..right now im almost ready to try anything..you know one of the appealing things about going back to asheville is that its quiet there..its a town like anywhere else but at the same time its not..its quiet and i dont know how i know that but i know it..maybe its just the closer to nature aspect of asheville but for some reason thats what it is...i have been wanting to go back..and i even asked yvonne about going back for my birthday. so its not new i guess..but it was just a little surprising when i actually considered working in asheville again..i wonder why i hadnt thought of it before actually...mommy of course is all for it as long as i find a job that pays better and has benefits..and then she doesnt care because that just means i will have to help out more at home you know..but i dont want to do that either...right now i juts want to leave..thats my most pressing thought..i need to leave and go and thats just it..there is no other option..the same way i didnt have any other options when i moved home in the first place..now my only option is moving again but being able to take care of myself in the process. i miss living alone. i miss being by myself..im craving solitude that i cant have at home..yea it gets lonely alone but im lonely at home too..so it doesnt really matter i guess..i can be lonely anywhere..but that really is my motivation right now. moving out..to move out i need a better job..so im looking for a job..and when i find one im gone..it would be nice to find one that would help with moving costs but if not thats ok too..unless im going clear across the state again..and then we will have to talk about moving expenses..but one good thing would be that if i moved back up near asheville at least i would have a place to stay for the interviews if i got one because henry lives up there..and i know i can go and stay with him overnight or something if i had too..but still that would be a couple tanks of gas...at least a $150 dollar trip..so it would take some planning i know..but getting the applications in would be the first step..but also i need to figure out what areas i want to consider..because i was looking for jobs but at the same time i was confused about the different counties..suddenly i really do hate that nc has 100 counties..my gosh ..but at the other end of the job front...im really worrying big time about the job that im waiting to hear about..im trying to stay positive but my mind still gets the best of me and i wonder whats wrong with me..maybe im just really not good enough..maybe i dont know what im getting myself into..so many maybes and questions that i cant answer..but i check my phone a million times hoping for a call and then getting depressed because i havent gotten one..i mean in some ways i am trying to have a better outlook and i know i can keep applying for different jobs and that each interview will be better than the last one..but still i wonder how many it will take to get a job..how many times will i end up getting dejected before i finally find another job and can move on into something else...mommy keeps pushing and pushing for everything and im not even sure what i want anymore...first its the job and finding a better one and then its school and im sure after that it will be something else that she thinks i need and am not working hard enough to get..theres always something..and i just cant seem to keep my mouth closed and end up staying in trouble..i asked her today why she always had to know where im going? and she got mad at me and told me that she wouldnt ask anymore..and i know its a lie..and i know she was pissed off when she said it but i really dont see why she has to know..if im out im out..if im not at home them im not at home..its not big deal..it shouldnt be a big deal but mommy makes it one..and it sucks ...and im still the selfish one because when i try to stand up for mytself or to set maybe a little tiny boundary it gets shot down and im still in trouble .. its not fair..and to make my life even better something is really wrong with my car and its just leaking something underneath the drivers seat because the carpet on that side is now soaked in something but i dont know what..and one of the tires is losing air and things just need to be checked on it but i cant afford to get it fixed but if it breaks ill be even more worse off and i dont know what to do..if i give up my next two pay checks it will be trouble for other bills..but i know it wont be cheap at all and i just dont know what to do about it..and its to expensive right now to rent a car and just give my car a break but if i still have to get it fixed then i would still end up paying for it...i want another car..but no one would take the one i have now as a trade in..and riley and harris have left for camp so thats no extra money for a month...im just going to keep falling behind with things if i have to get my car fixed..geez..life is grand isnt it.

tired ramblings

im struggling to stay awake right now because im not at my house and i was planning on leaving and going home but its already almost midnight and i got like 4 hours of sleep last night but im not completely comfortable staying here either..ok and that was just confusing and long! but im sleepy and just really worried and stressed right now...like wondering what in the heck im doing with everything..i have another week about the job i interviewed for..im really hoping i get it...i really am trying to be positive about it..but the more i think about it the more i start telling myself that im not going to get it..that i should start putting out applications again and that i dont need to give up on finding another job..that way if i dont get it then it wont hurt as much...but if i do get it then things can start to get so much better. but then i have to consider where to apply ..theres not much around where i live now and if im willing to move farther away. the funny thing is there are jobs up near asheville where i worked before..not with the same company mind you but just in the area...i loved that area..i would love to go back if i could afford it..but that would mean well a big move because thats about 6 or so hours..all the way across the state..that would mean stopping therapy again just when im starting to get back into it..but i would be moving..i would be on my own..and away..but i know now that even being away doesnt just make things all better..no matter how much i might wish it...if i moved i would have to stay in therapy..better yet i would prolly have to have the appt set up before hand because otherwise i might not keep up..and may be ive grown up enough in the past year and a half to know that and know what it is i need to do..i want to think i have..but im not sure..no im not the same as i was a year ago..or even a year and a half ago when i first started out in the real world..but i look at it all now and know that i have to keep looking..i have to keep trying and not just give up and settle..its more important this time..i have to prove i can do it..and that i really can stand on my own..and actually make something of myself..i feel like im just wasting away at home..ill die at home..but i will have to come to some idea about the traveling and moving though..i applied for the job i did because it was close enough that i could get away with moving .. i wouldnt have to change therapists...but if i dont get that job and get one farther away..then i dont know..that would be giving up everything again..but what is holding me here? thats the problem..i look at being at home and it depresses me so very much..i go out of town and come back and just the thought of having to go home makes me so very sad and tired..there is nothing for me here..im nothing here..and i just think that if i dont do something to get away..then i will run out of time..and i dont want to die..not really..sometimes yea but overall not really. but at the same time all of this really is scary..and makes me worry about what im getting myself into...i wonder if im ready..i wonder if i can leave again and just stay gone...

mad

feeling awfully scrambled right now...just not ok at all but trying to be ok because theres no other choice..im so so upset and everything that can go wrong with my car is going wrong and it makes me mad because its like my car is falling apart and its only been mine for a year and a half now..my drove it for almost 4 years before i got it back..and its a long long story for how that actually worked out..but now its like all this stuff is going wrong with it and i cant afford to get it fixed and my mom is constantly asking about my stupid irs money again because i got the stupid letter in the mail finally and now that she knows im getting it..she has to bring up everything shes done and tell me all this stuff i need to help pay for that i never wanted in the first place and she wants to know how much she can have..and this is after she said she didn't want any of it..she told me that she only asked because she knew i needed the extra money..and now i just feel stupid for even believing her ...i should have known better and that as soon as things changed she would change it all and start telling me that i had to help..and that what i was planning on using the extra money for is just not going to work out...which is don't think is fair at all.but it seems that what i think doesn't matter in the slightest..and i really don't know why i bother at all..because somehow no matter what i say makes me the wrong one..and no matter what it is i want to do i cant..im the one spending to much money and that i should have made enough to pay my bills..and its like nothing i do is right and she makes it sound like i just go and blow all the money i have on absolutely nothing..like im that stupid..or i have no idea how to manage my money better than that! give me a break..it makes me so so mad..well im mad all the time lately it seems...and this morning i was just pissed off because one my tire was flat ..but i went and had it looked at and was told it looked ok..so i just put air in it and then was on my way..but i figure it will have to be changed soon if its starting to lose air..but also for the money issues and then nia demands i take her to work..she was the one sick..and if she is sick and not feeling good then stay home from work..and dont demand and get a freaking attitude when she has to depend on someone else to even take her in late..just because im at home doesnt mean a thing to anyone else..me being at home is an invitation it seems for everyone to ask me to do stuff or to let someone borrow my car to do something they want to do..and if i say no then everyone is all pissed off at me..if its my car and im the one paying for it shouldnt i be able to say what i want to do with it? and right now no i dont have the money to waste gas to drive an hour to take her to work and then go back home..i wasnt going to do it without gas money and she she pissed me off anyway..i took my time with getting ready to leave...because one she never asked..and i dont like it being demanded that i just do something because im right there and no one seems to think i have anything else to do..what gives her the right to get pissed off at me when im doing her a favor?? if i didnt take her then she wouldnt have gotten to work at all..and i dont feel bad at all making her give me gas money to take her because she didnt give me enough to even make it worth taking her..not when gas is back up to $4 dollars..and not when i wasnt expecting to be driving anywhere else today..no im not sorry in the least...and the whole thing still makes me feel so mad..i couldnt finish anthing i needed to do at home because of running her to work and once i left i wasnt going to be coming back because that would be a waste of gas if i just had to turn around and go babysit tonight..its all so stupid

i hate my life..

i dont know what im supposed to do...

im not liking therapy to much right now..and its all my fault..i keep trying to talk without actually revealing anything..i keep trying to talk around the issues..i dont want to talk about the real stuff..id rather just pretend that there is nothing wrong ..that im perfectly fine..you know..if i say it enough then ill believe it and things will go back to being ok enough to manage..but i guess things really arent ok..they never were..something has always been wrong and i ignored it..i made it go away..forced myself to make excuses..pretend nothing was wrong..that i deserved it..that it was my fault..whatever it took..i made sure i knew that it was my fault..i reminded myself..i had to make myself believe..so i told myself again and again until i did..until no one could tell me any different..and then i left home and had to start learning that the world doesnt really work like i thought it did..not everyone was going to hit me or yell at me...i dont understand why it is my therapist doesnt get mad at me or annoyed..i know she wouldnt hit me but i cant say i havent thought it..im completely ok with knowing someone is mad at me..but im not ok with someone being ok with me..i have to question it..i have to make sure i dont start thinking that somehow they are right and im just wrong about it all..and now i just dont know..i know what im expected to do..what i should do..but i dont know what i want to do..i think about it all the time now..i think about if i want to talk..what i want to say..what i can say without getting in trouble..i want to talk but i cant..i dont know what to say..i dont know how to get around everything in my head..and now the lovely topic of abuse came up today and i was talking about my lack of memory skills..and the topic came up and she questioned me a little bit on it but not much..but enough to make me really wonder what it is i want to do..i dont want my almost perfectly illusioned world to fall apart..i dont want to have to know the truth but i hate not knowing..i hate questioning what i remember against what i dont..i hate being so sad and anxious and not knowing why..i dont want to be like this forever..if i dont do it now then it will just keep coming up or else i will find a way to kill myself..something that doesnt bother me as much as it should..but i guess thats just what it comes too..but then i have to wonder if ill try to kill myself now if i start remembering all the stuff i forgot..maybe i forgot it for a darn good reason..im scared that she will figure it out..im just scared about everything right now..im tired of fighting it all..but i dont know how to not fight it..i have to ignore it..i have to make it go away and i keep getting asked why i think about it like that..and i dont have an answer..i just cant deal with it..talked about cutting today too..and i got around to mentioning that i was scared to stop it because then there would be nothing for me to replace it with..i have to replace it ..i just cant stop and theres nothing there..and she asked why..and i didnt realize it then but later on that i just cant see myself with out..i cant see myself not doing something that hurts on purpose..its always been something..it started with picking and i was in trouble for it..moved to purging for other reasons..but not many know about that.. and then it moved to cutting and i got in trouble for that but have yet to stop..and then it went to burning..and that was the ultimate hurt but i couldnt control it and stopped for the most part..it all hurts..they all have there purposes..but without them i dont know who i am...i dont know how not to hurt myself..and when those dont work i can attack myself in my head any time i want..i cant get out of my head..i cant escape myself..and i know how make myself hurt, i know what it takes..hell mommy doesnt even have to do it cas i got better than her at it even..i already know my weak points and how to exploit them to the extreme.. i do it without thinking about it..i can make things really bad for myself really fast and i dont know how to stop it..do i even want to stop? i want to say yes..geez my head screams yes..but i have to stop and question it..it cant just be yes..it isnt that simple..why cant it be that simple? why does it have to scare me so much? i dont know..

....

sometimes i think it makes me jealous that i cant be the center of attention all the time..i want to be left alone and not noticed but i still want to be noticed a little bit..but then i dont like it...in a big dont touch me mood..have been since the other night when i was cutting..feeling mega lonely and killer depressed..geez if i could get out of my head i would..i cant even stand myself right now and its like a never ending rain of thoughts about how alone i am..its utterly pathetic in an incredilbly depressing way..geez i want to cut just to shut my head up..but then i made a mess the other night..not cool..think im nervous about therapy tomorrow..dont know what to say..talked about the burning but after i left i figured out i had done it only cas i wanted to make her mad at me..i guess i figure if i get her mad enough then she will tell me to leave and that i cant be helped and that will be the end of it..and then ill once again not have to answer to anyone about anything at all..i thought things were supposed to get better not worse...and it just feels like things are getting worse and worse..well sometimes thats what it feels like..and i know its not always like that but right now its like just overwhelming i guess...maybe i need to just go and lay down for a while..stare at the wall or something..since ive been doing that alot lately..maybe i expect the wall to keep me company or something..

not good

im on a serious quest to find a job...well currently waiting to hear hopefully back from the ppl i interviewed with last week.but if not then will have to look around some more for another job..just cant handle being at home anymore told the mom a couple days ago or something that i would move out so i could get another cat..she laughed it off and told me to do what i had to do...i was talking to my sister yesterday about how if i got another job that i would move out..and my mom asked me about it later on..and i told her yea..but i said i would do it because i wanted to save on gas which is true..i dont think i could deal with telling her that i was moving out because being at home made me feel stupid and suicidal..for some reason i dont think that would go over to well...but its just each week it gets a little harder to be here..my head is not ok..cut last night and i feel more guilty that im not sorry about it..not that i did it..

lots of thoughts

you know its kinda funny..that today i can look back on the interview..what i can remember about it anyway..and pick out the parts where i could have added more details and things..the more nitpicky end of things..and overall i still think i did pretty good for this to have been my first interview at a dss..and they asked the awful where do you see yourself in five years question! ...it was the first time i havve done an interview with three people asking me questions..and when i answered some it was like i could see them nodding when i gave a good answer pretty much and it was funny ..because it was like i said what they wanted to hear on some things..the more school related stuff and stuff about my job..darnit forgot where i was going with this...hmm oh..now that all the anixety is gone from worrying about being questioned..i dont think i would feel as horrible as i thought if i didnt get the job..if i lived through one interview i can do another one..yea it would suck..but wont be the end of the world..and they told me it would be a couple weeks at least before i heard anything..and that if i didnt hear anything by the middle of july that i wasnt going to be offered a job..but ill keep looking..just in case..because right now im not working enough to keep up with bills at all..and its pretty much sucking on that end of things..i asked for more hours yesterday though and kinda told one of my supervisors that i was just keeping an eye out for a new job..soo guess thats all..not sure if that made any sense at all ..but i guess overall it is a sense of accomplishment..i now know the world will not end if i mess up a little in an interview or forget to say something..maynot get the job but doesnt mean i cant apply for another one..and i want to go on record as actually writing that.incase in a week i go and say it all sucks or something..

but with everything else..i dont know..feel kind of out of it today..this week work wise has been pretty sad..ive worked what 2 and a half days..and i only say half because the baby that i work with is only for an hour...but my other person has seriously had his hours cut..and it sucks..so its like every week im losing hours..ugh..so it really doesnt feel like im working much at all..and now riley and harris are getting ready to go out of town for camp for like 3 weeks or something and i wont be getting that extra money eitherr...so yea..cutting it close for the next month or so i guess..until i find another job..

and i cant say im struggling with the cutting or not cutting or whatever...i did try the distracting thing..tried not to stop it all..and i woke up this morning..and now of it mattered..because somewhere in the last 12 or so hours i decided i wanted to and nothing was going to stop me..it was just a matter of how long i wanted to wait it out...and im not even doing it because im upset or anything..sad yea but when am i not sad these days? so its not really about it either..it because right this minute i feel dead..and i dont like that feeling..i dont like when my head feels all foggy and slow..i keep zoning out ..getting distracted by little stuff and then forgetting what im doing..funny how that happens and all iwas doing was looking at graphics..there was a little smiley face graphic that kept turning into a knot..and i watched it for a while before i realized i was supposed to be doing something else..that shouldnt distract me and it did..and prolly would have for a lot longer if i hadnt been writing something..mmm dont know..

not thrilled....

the interview was fine..actually madde it through without doing anything stupid..and worked hard to keep eye conttact and not get to fidgety ..think i managed ok..answered all of there questions at least..now i just have to wait..they said they are still doing interviews..and it could be a couple weeks before they pick anyone..
hoping i was good enough and made a good impression but said like and umm a million times but that was more nerves than anything else..

and then had to go and try on dresses and s tuff with mommy cas even though i already said i found the one i wanted i cant have it..so mommy went and picked some out and she is dead set on having it her way..and she keeps going for the wrong fucking color..im sorry but browwn is not kahki in any way shape or form..but whatever..well lucky me they didnt fit anyway..so embrassed about it..and the lady said they were made small but that doesnt make me feel any better to know that the dress would have to be two sizes bigger than what i usually wear..and i dont know ..im not small and it was already a hassle finding a dress..and now it just got a million times harder ..feeling stupid..and a whole lot of other not good stuff.. wanna go hide in a corner or something

one more time...

got triggered last night and started thinking about cutting..except i remembered from therapy that i had to work on controlling the impluse more..cas sometimes its like theres not room for anything else in my head..i have to do something that hurts and then i can think about everything else..but it started me thinking you know that if i just do it once more it will be ok and that will be it and ill be able to stop next time and it wont hurt..like i had to talk myself back into it being ok to do..that if i made it ok then it wasnt a bad thing and i wouldnt feel guilty..if i make it ok to need it then its just for now and not later..but then i realized im making it just every other addiction ive seen..anyone watch the show intervention? cool shoe but huge huge triggers..but its a good show about the real effects of addictions..but its like how many times has someone died from that 'one more time' thinking..now im not doing to die from cutting my arm but thats not really the point..if i make this my one last time then what about the next time or the next impluse..its like im setting it up in a way so that every time is the last time ill do it but it will never end..it can be the last time a million times..and what then? im still looking at the scars from the last time i promised to stop..and then time after that..and then the time after that too..


just thinking...

..

and therapy was hard..but i think i talked more today than i have in any other session so far..and given the topic..i was just yelling for me to be quiet..but whats new..but we talked about moving and stuff and my t was nice enough to remind me that just moving away isnt going to magically make things better..and i let her know that moving an hour away was pretty much doing nothing..but still away is away..if it becomes a possibilty..and there is something really bothering me about therapy today..because we talked about cutting and consequently burning and i let her know how i did it and everything..and i was telling her all this stuff and i was trying to guage her reaction at the same time..and she wasnt mad at me...disappointed..yea..sad or even worried..yea..but she wasnt mad..and it wasnt until after i left that i figured out that somehow i really expected her to be mad..really really mad you know..and it makes no sense at all..because i know..ive already asked her..and she let me know that its not about her being mad..but still that was one of the underlying reasons for telling her..i wanted to shock her..i wanted her to be upset and mad at me for being stupid..or for doing bad stuff.. and it completely throws me that it didnt happen the way i expected it too..idont know..its so confusing though..because its like i keep going against what i already know..i have to question it..i have to somehow make it not ok ..and im also guessing this is one of those things i would prolly have to let her know

jobs

i got two calls today about job interviews..one i turned down because im not really into getting back into the 4 days or 4 days off routine and working weekends..no..and then the other i set up an appointment for next week! and im going to be intereviewed for two jobs at the same time.

i am happy i am but im also really surprised because i had just talked to the employment place where i had to send the applications and the guy was telling me it could take up to two months! so i wasnt really expecting to hear and anything at all and then out of the blue ( its been about two weeks since i sent in the applications) i get a call asking for an interview..

ok so i have all week to freak out about it because its next wed..

lack of motivation

some times i realy do wonder how it is ppl can stay so motivated to do things.. to just stay on top of work and home life and fun and friends and family and everything..and fit it in and not break down...i can barely manage two things at once..much less all of that and expect to get anything done..right now work is suffereing because i cant focus..i dont want to do the paperwork..i know i have to turn it in if i want to get paid but i just cant bring myself to sit down and do it..im depressed with everything else thats going on and so work stuff outside of actually seeing my cls is whats taking the beating i guess...right now im two weeks behind on one set of paperwork and a week behind on another..im worried because i cant really explain why i havent done it..and its just hurting me in the long run because my paychecks will be screwed up..and i know that..i understand all of that..and i still cant bring myself to do it im sorry but saying i just dont want to do it wont help me..saying i sit down to write it and spend more time watching the hours tick by on the clock isnt going to help me..i keep saying im going to do it and then other stuff gets my attention..theres other stuff i just have to do and cant put off..i should be better at managing my time and getting things turned in and im not..i dont know how to do it..i dont set deadlines for myself because i know i wont keep them..and now i know i can turn them in late and its not that big of a deal so even the set deadline im playing with..and its going to get me into trouble soon..once its figured out that ive been not turning them in..sigh..it all sucks because its like im just digging myself this bigger hole and not gonna be able to get myself out of it if i dont stop now..because the paperwork doesnt stop if i dont turn it in..more is just added on and then it is even more overwhelming and im more behind..i need to get a grip or something...i just dont know...i dont want to do anything..i want to sleep..i want to stay in bed..i dont care about anything at all right now...i muster enough energy to go to work and thats all i can manage...

and had therapy yesterday..and first..i got around to agreeing that i would call if i was really suicidal didnt like it..but i guess it was one of those things i just had to do..whether i really wanted to our not..

and this came up yesterday so im still working out what i think about it all..

i think i just group cant and wont together..or maybe it has always just been i cant do something and not really i wont do something.

i was asked yesterday if i would say i was upset with my mom..and i thought about it and got distracted and stopped listening to her..and when i finally pulled myself back into her office so to speak..i told her that i cant do that..and she disagreed and told me i was fully capable of saying it i just wouldnt..and given i dont think ive ever really connected the two at all..and now it is confusing me..because on one hand the t is right in that i am fully capable of speaking the words and saying them..and on the other hand its like no cant do it..i dont know why or cant explain why..but its like i cant ...not even if i might semi want too...but now its like well maybe it is a wont type thing and a lot of the things i say i cant do are things i just wont do or im not ok doing..does that make sense?

worried

im worried...really really worried..

had a bad dream that mommy figured out i had new scars on my arm and wouldnt let me do anything..i dont remember much of it but i couldnt lie my way out of it..it was a miserable dream

worried about talking to my supervisor today..worried about what she will tell me..worried about the jobs i applied for..heck just worried about everything right now..

blah

back at home..had a fun weekend with riley and now its over..kinda sad that it is ..becuase it took until i was on the way home to actually realize i didnt want to go home..things are just depressing..and im tired enough that maybe ill just take a nap but im not sure..not thrilled about anything right now..and certainly not the upcoming week..i really am hoping i here back from on of the jobs i applied for..i would like to know what im possibly getting myself into, if anything at all..and now that i am looking at changing jobs..im starting to wonder about therapy and if ill be able to stay in it because of actually having real hours at work..or if i would be able to do something else to keep a couple hours free some day during the week..i dont know..i never really considered you know after hours or weekends..not sure those are even offered but it hasnt come up before..so i really dont know..i would rather keep it at the same day/time as i have it now..but if not will have to think of something..

more collages

collages

weekend..and stuff

ive been thinking a whole heck of a lot this week..havent really wanted to but i guess ive been really stressed out about everything with therapy and then with work and then with home stuff..everything really is hard..but i think it is passing too..i mean just be to sad to try dealing with it anymore..but i think some of it is passing..

with work..i called my supervisor and told her that im not comfortable working with the kid and his mom and that i needed to talk to her asap. she was out so i just left a message. i feel better doing it..i feel better knowing i have indeed put my foot down and know that i am not ok having a kid tell lies like that about me when i never touched him..when i wasnt alone with him in a public library. i understand how serious it is..but the kid doesnt and that bothers me..because this time he was just mad i made him read and wouldnt let him have his way. what will happen next time he is mad at me? what would be go and tell his mom then? i cant get over that his mom isnt willing to deal with it more..isnt willing to even tell me what he said herself. why ask the other worker who wasnt there? why question it if i already told her myself what happened. she should know her kid..she should know when he is flat out lying..and she just lets me get away with it..this is my job..so no..i do happen to know im not ok with it and will not pretend to be ok with it at all..so ill have to wait and see..and it really does surprise me that im willing to put my foot down and stand up for myself with this..

on to a different subject..
ive been thinking a lot about suicide..not doing it but just suicide in general..and what it really means ...what does telling actually mean..because in my head its like giving up control completely..and now that ive exhausted every possible way of thinking about it im not sure anymore..i mean in my time online..because of the places i hang out..it is hard hearing ppl are in the hospital or someone has died..given this is online and it may be true it may not be true..but hearing it is enough to question you know..why didnt they tell..why didnt they ask for help..it makes me feel like a hypocrite because im completely willing to tell someone else to ask for help or to go to the hospital if they need to inorder to stay alive and here i am locking my jaw on the entire ordeal..i dont get it at all..again its like give and give and support someone else but then theres not enough left to support myself..i keep telling myself that i wouldnt do it..that i may think about it sometimes but i would never seriously try to do it..that i would screw it up..and if i did try and woke up in the hospital i would be in a whole lot of trouble..i have to be the only person in the world who would associate a failed suicide attempt with being in trouble..it really doesnt make any sense at all sometimes.the way i think about things..and sometimes i can make the best sense ever about the most off the wall stuff..but its just hard..i know i want to be ok with myself.i know i dont want to be unhappy and depressed for forever..but am i really willing to try to make it better..am i willing to really let someone help me do that. am i going to trust that she does care and will listen and make sure i stay alive..do i want her too..what do i want for my future? i say i cant see myself without the cutting and i really truly cant..i cant see anything in my future at all..i meant it when i told her i was lucky if i could see myself to the end of the week..every so often something comes up that i want to do and its like yea i have plenty of time..and sometimes it feels like i dont have time at all..that i have to cram everything in now because i dont know what will happen to me even a year from now...but then when i was really suicidal i didnt do anything..im still alive..hell ill be 25 this year..i never expected to make it past 18 or 21 or any other stupid birthday of mine..so maybe i should work on being ok with being alive..maybe there is a part of me that really does rebel at the thought of killing myself..maybe i do know what it really means..its prolly not a good thing that when i like about my ultimate goal in life all i can come up with is that i will kill myself in the end..some how thats what i want without wanting it..somehow its this great plan that ive put no thought into at all..its just there..underneath everything..eventually im sure i will have to give it more attention to figure out why i have thought it up..but for now its just something that i know is in my head but i can ignore for the most part..

sometimes i really hate my head.i hate how ive managed to work everything into this ball of being ok when its pretty obvious that its not..and so now having to look at it and i mean really look at it and wonder how i have it set up is really hard..its also really hard concentrating while in therapy..but thats something else..

and something else that has come up is that i am incredibly negative..which is something ive never really considered before..and i think it really is all just how im being looked at with it..because i would have said that i was just neutral ..you know..neither incredibly happy my views on the world or incredibly sad/upset with the world..and its like ok dont look at it like that..just on a personal level..not what other ppl see either..what are you more of..positive or negative? and i really hadnt thought about it like that at all..i want to say yea im positive but i know thats not true..it makes me unhappy to realize how negative i am towards myself..occasionally i think that im being mean to myself or rude..and i find it funny to threaten myself at times..but it all comes down to being negative as heck and it really doesnt matter if no one sees it..i can drive myself crazy in my head without putting much effort into it at all..i can make myself cry in my head and no one would know..because what i tell myself is more than just i hate you..given i can repeat it a million times a day but then no one would expect that from me..maybe thats how ive worked that one out..if no one knows then im not actually doing it..then its not as serious because its not like im just going to go an tell someone that i yell at myself in my head..that im highly critical because then they would ask why i do it..and that im not entirely sure about..why do i do it when i know i dont like it..its a habit doesnt seem to really cover it all..i want to say its just that im used to it..that its easier to do it before anyone else can..but still the big question is well then how taught you how to do it? and that i really cant answer..

there is this serious urge to just get away from everything..ill be happy with just a day or something..i really just want to pack a bag and go without telling anyone where ive gone..pick a random hotel somewhere and just chill out for a couple days..come up with some lie to answer mommies questions..that i know she will ask..but for now i know i cant do that..im currently spending the weekend with riley while his parents are out of town ..we went to the movies last night and saw get smart..it was funny..laughed through the entire movie..we came back and ended up having breakfast for dinner that riley cooked mostly by his self! i was proud of him..and then we watched the new disney movie and had a tickling war..it was fun..i dont mind staying with him at all..he is a little restless though lol..the weather isnt great today so i have no idea what we are going to do today..but he is still asleep for now..but im not at home and thats is enough for now..and wont be home until tomorrow afternoon some time most likely..and i dont even want to go then..i hate going home..

labels..wrote this last week i think

lately ive been thinking a lot about labels and how much they really do have an impact on things..i mean if i consider myself to be something good or bad and then have someone else come along and agree then it becomes something that is real..something that is noticable by others...doesnt have to be a flaw or some brillant thing..but its just noticable..and then i could have something i know about and only i know about but no one else does..and its like ok then no one else can see it..no one else knows..so maybe imm making it up..maybe its not real..its not true..i dont know

then society thought up the ever so brillant dsm and its like thats the bible of psychology..if its not in the book then it cant possibly be true..if it doesnt have a name then i cant help you..if you dont fall into a set catergory or a set diagnosis then im sorry for you..geez does anyone ever wonder how many ppl fall through the cracks because they dont 'fit' into a catergory or cant be dx'd with anything because they only have 2 of 7 symptons? wheres the justice and fairness then?

but anyway..besides all the problems i have with the world of getting into ppls heads..the topic of labels just has to come up..and its not that i havent thought about it all before because i have..and normally i want to be the good person and say i dont care about labels at all you know..that i would never look at someone and like or not like them because of some dx..and for the most part and ok with other ppls labels whatever they may be..doesnt matter because its not who they are you know..you cant base someone or someones life on what a bunch of docs say about then..or what society has given them to put them into some nice neat little catergory..thats incredibly unfair and semijudgemental..because its like you are getting a warning about a person before you meet them but its done in a perfectly acceptable way..isnt that an oxymoron..im going to get a dx of being Schizophrenic and then be unable to live in the world because all anyone cares about is whether or not ive taken my meds or having an episode..because thats all most ppl know about it..thats the important stuff right?

(yes i really had a point to this)

its just unfair i guess..its one of those things that on one hand is really good and on another its really bad..i would like to be able to say labels are a bunch of bs and no one should care about them at all..but then without them ppl wouldnt know what was wrong with them..there would be mo relief..but theres also no way to get over the labels..to move past them into something else..once your an alcoholic your always going to be labeled an alcoholic..maybe at some point it will turn into being a recovered alcoholic but notice the alcoholic part never goes away...you will always be recovering..working on it..but never really beating it in the eyes of society and what is normal and good..

i do hate that ive been labeled..i hate that ive labeled myself..because somehow i found what it is thats possibly wrong with me..and to some degree i can ignore them all..you know ..they are just words that someone wrote down and attached to my name..but on a deeper level i hate it more than anything else because maybe someone else is able to see past it all but i cant..i know ill always be a cutter..or the recovering cutter or recovering whatever..thats all it will ever be..recovering or survivor ..and i dont want that..i dont want to be known as the one who was crazy or had to spend a million years in therapy just inorder to function without being suicidal..it all seems so trival just writing about it.llike i could be spending my time tackling world hunger or something but instead im choosing to attack society and all its stupid norms and regulations and ideas..until my doc mentioned it last week i really had never considered anything outside of being known as just what ive been labeled..there was nothing else..because if i kept hiding it then no one would know..no one would bother asking..and i can manage and function and do my job and do whats expected of me..and live..but in my head..all i could see was the scars..the hurt..the pain..it didnt matter what anyone else had to say because i had already condemned myself without any help..out of protection most likely..if i can barely believe it how could anyone else believe it?

lately i have been reminding myself to stop saying im crazy..to stop making a million excuses to make things ok when they arent..and i could almost almost wish that i had never bothered trying to change anything..

sorry for the rant

everything..

it just feels like everything is just trapped in my head..to many things are going through my head and im trying to remember that im supposed to be trying you know..cutting is bad bad bad and ive done it once today already..but i just cant get past the thoughts..i want to hurt..i want to hurt something..anything..i dont care..i cant seem to calm myself down..i want to cry..my feelings are hurt..im worried about what ill say when i talk to my supervisor tomorrow..i know i have to talk to her because because if i dont ill just keep freaking out..this week has been just miserable..and its like ok what else can happen that hasnt already.. what else am i going to be expected to have to deal with..i dont want to deal with anything..i dont even what to have to deal with whats going on now..i think and think of ways to get out of it all and i come up with nothing..i cant see myself in the future..i can see myself stopping anything..i dont want too..and i know im just upset now and my thoughts will most likely change a million times in the next few days but for today i dont care..im sick of all of this..being at home is really getting to me in the worst way..but i know i cant afford to leave..i cant afford to do anything..i dont know what i want to do..im so agitated right now..i keep thinking..i want to sleep..i dont want to do anything else but sleep thats all..i cant sleep.i cant do anything..im writing and ill prolly right again and again and again and it wont change anything..i cant get my head to shut up and leave me alone..i cant think and all i do is think..i cant not think..i have to plan for what i dont know..but i have too..i have to do to many things.. i have to be everything im supposed to be and its a pain..its to much..i want to be left alone and everything seems to happen faster when i dont want to be bothered..i dont know what im doing at all.im sick of feelings..im sick of wanthing to cry..all week it hasnt gotten any better..its like everything happened at once..as soon as i got to the point of really questioning everything..


maybe..maybe i need to see about changing my appt for therapy to earlier than tues :( maybe noot though..cant really afford it as it is..lets not add on any more charges..
and maybe ill just do what i want to do and worry about everything else later..geez now im just managing to confuse myself..

beyond upset..

i found out today from another worker that the new kid im working with (we are switching out..she is moving and im taking the cl she has been working with..so we are both working with this kid and switching off days)..well the kid told his mom a whole bunch of lies about me and how i treated him when i was wworking with him yesterday..she freaking believed him enough to ask the other worker what she thought about it...i had already told his mom what happeend and what was said..but then the kid turns around and says all this stuff about how i was mean and was pulling on him and walked into the bathroom while he was in there undressed geez i have no idea what to say to him right now..i dont want to be anywhere near him right now..and its more disappointing that his mom didnt want me to even know about it ..the other worker called and told me..and told me his mom thought that the kid telling the truth in the end was enough to fix this..and its not..the kid called and apologized..the other worker told me that he would be doing things to make up for his lying all day while shes with him because his mom wont do a freaking thing about..and its like im expected to show up monday and pretend things are fine?! how?? it was to late today to call my supervisor about it all so ill have to talk to her tomorrow or monday when i see her..and the other worker is putting it all in her notes to turn in anyway..but it really pisses me off..that the kid would do all this because he was mad that i just wouldnt let him have his way..because i wouldnt let him do anything else before he read a couple books and freaking easy books at that...i couldnt even think while i was talking to the other worker..im glad she told me..i told her i was glad she told me..and i know that when she says shes not letting the issue drop with him that she means it..but in the end its still about me..my name attached to all this shit..and its like geez i would never do it..i dont even say shut up because i find it rude and this kid is just going on and on about all this stuff i supposedly did to him and it bothers me..bothers me more that his mom is fully ok with just letting it drop..

i have calmed down if nothing else..did a lot of writing yesterday...i think ive run out of words to say..seriously depressed though..it all sucks..i want to be let alone but mommy is home now and things are back to normal..i can do nothing right it seems..

....falling

things are just hard and really stressful right now..was talking about suicide with the t today..didnt mean for it to go there but thats where it ended up..theres so much yelling and arguing inside cas i dont know what to do..i dont know whats behind it all..not like actual suicide stuff but more of how to handle it with the t cas it makes me nervous having her worried about me. she told me shes worried..and i prolly didnt do much to ease her fears..i told her i wasnt currently suicidal and im not..but whats to say that wont change..whats to say i even want to be stopped if it made it that far? i dont like it being brought up to consider other ppls feelings when it comes to suicide..i dont even care enough about mine..yes im a horrible person..i wrote and wrote and wrote..i argued with myself all day today..almost made it to crying but stopped that..cant cry..to many other things in my head to deal with crying..i feel so many things..guess fear would be the huge underlying part but theres something else too..i hate not being able to figure it out ..and i know im completely worked up and freaking out about it and so its not helping at all and i cant figure it out because i cant get myself to calm down enough to think anymore..i need to calm down..i dont need to cut..right..maybe ill get around to beliving that if i keep reminding myself..

she told me today that she cared..


and here i am just freaking out big time over it all..because i hate that it all comes down to me and i dont know what i want at all..i want someone to tell me what to do..i want some miracle to happen and magically things will be ok and they wont be confusing and scary anymore..there is something very very wrong with owning up to the suicidal feelings and i dont know what it is..i dont want to know..all through the session today my head was noisy..i said no to everything..screamed no..refused to hear the doc. i forgot most of what was talked about..i dont even know how it got to talking about suicide..somehow it came up and she finally got around to asking if i would let her know if i was feeling that way..i told her no..i always say no because i hate anyone knowing i hate feeling like that..she told me shes not comfortable with that..and its my fault.. i could have said yes..i could have just said ok ill tell you..but i didnt..i couldnt..because then it would have been worse if i ever do try and dont tell her..then ive broken my word..and that wouldnt be good ..i dont know why i have to say no but i do...its beyond just being scared and stuff..i dont know..all day since i left her its been argument after argument in my head..and ones ive lost no less..how is it possible to lose and argument with myself?!..have a killer headache..want to not have to see her anymore..dont want to go back.bbut that would be running away..i dont want to run..or maybe i do.. i dont feel like i can handle anything at all right now..like im just breaking apart..more so than usual..i dont know what to do.. i swear if i wasnt actually in my body and couldnt go anywhere i think i would be floating off right about now..

think im just going to go lay down..mommy is back now and things are just not ok enough to try and deal with her and everything else..maybe laying down before she comes back home will help a little ..i dont know

hmmm

feeling nervous today..really really stressing about money and gas and ugh just everything...with mommy out of town i have to take nia to work..taking her to work and picking her up is just killing my gas big time..mommy gave me enough to almost fill my tank before she left..and since then ive already added another 25 and will have to add more today..and i dont have any more..ugh..i dont want to drive anywhere at all because im freaking out so bad over gas prices..im up to needed 60 to fill my tank completely..i dont have that kind of money at all..its just a pain all of it..im thinking about changing myhours around at work so im not driving back and forth to work..like doing more hours each day i do work and not have to go every day..if the cls guardian doesnt like it then i guess ill just have to be replaced or something..but ill have to ask about that today..

mailed in the applications the other day and now all i can do is wait to hear something back about it all..im nervous..i hate waiting..it sucks ..

annnd this has been a good week overall..not a lot of stress ..no yelling..and its because mommy is not here...

hmm things are just interesting lately..

lots lots and just lots of stuff going on

might as well start with the not so good stuff..

cut last night..two seperate times..arm and wrist..wasnt as disappointed as i thought i should be..but oh well..over and done with..

i am going to finish the applicatins for the other jobs and send them in..i may get an interview i may not..but sending in the applications is something..i dont want to look back and know i didnt try at all..but i am struggling yet again with the strengths part of the application and description of my jobs..thats alwaays so hard for me! but still going to try really hard and hopefully will be able to get them mailed off by thursday at the latest..

i was horrible last night..and didnt finish my paperwork:( i just couldnt do it last night..i couldnt handle it..and mommy was really puting me on edge.i was feeling so many things and just couldnt handle the paperwork..and i feel horrible for not doing it but i will finish it tonight and take it in tomorrow morning..i let the office person know i was bringing them tomorrow.

i found out today that im only a few hours from getting my early intervention certification! and that really was pretty awesome.

and had therapy today..left feeling so quiet and confused..but now i feel more settled than i have been in a while..just finally had someone tell me truthfully looking right at me what she thought when she saw my scars..again i was surprised i asked..but i wanted to know..i let her see my journal..and we talked a lot about how i am fully capable of nuturing myself it just takes a lot to get to that part of myself..i have more homework to do in that i ahve to answer the letter i wrote to myself..have been thinking aobut it but dont know yet what im going to write..i realized a few things today about cutting and how i just assume everyone raction to the scars will be bad and thats not always the case..i asked her if she was mad at me nad if she still liked me..it was hard asking but i had too..i needed to know..and her responses threw me for a loop big time...its hard looking at it all from another perspective..and ive done it before but i guess i just forget about it ..i know it would be scary and overwhleming to see the scars and know someone is a cutter..and we talked about that the cutting doesnt define who i am..thats not the only thing there is about me..

i told yvonne i was in therapy today..i told her i wasnt ok at home and that i made myself so back to therapy..it was scary waiting for her response because we were texting while i was at work..and she told me i could call her anytime if i needed anything..i told her i didnt want to talk about it now but that i would tell her more eventually..and i will at some point but im not ready right now..

i also realized that i have a few ppl i really need to thank for knowing about the cutting and still treating me like me and not making me feel bad for cutting and stuff..i forgot that a few ppl do know and still like me regardless and im rude at times and ignore there advice..and thats not nice at all.

cant decide

so...things are ..i dont know ..freaked for some odd reason yesterday night..and really wanted to cut but wrote instead..i wasnt pleased but by the end i was so distracted and worn out that the energy and drive to cut was gone..hmm well not completely gone but it wasnt the most pressing thought anymore...so that was good maybe..

hmm applying for a few new jobs..3 to be exact because i callthe the employment place and they said i could apply for as many as i wanted as long as i did a seperate application for each one..im only aply for 3 though..of the social work jobs..and i feel so guilty i dont know what to do with myself..i have a job and its like im doing something wrong by applying for another one i dont get my head at times..i do want something more challenging..we need to get out of living at home because i wonder how long ill last some days..and more money would help that..heck just doing something that makes me use my head would be good..i feel like im wasting my degree some days..because i go to work and you know just hang out, or color or go bowling..and yes im helping my cl..im his friend in a lot of ways..but theres still that this is work line..this isnt really just going and hanging out..but thats what it feels like..i dont know if ill get any of the jobs..but i would feel stupider for not at least trying because i am qualified..its funny reading the requirements and its like holy cow i really can apply for something because i have a degree..was a little proud of myself for calling the employment place in the first place. the guy i talked to was really nice and answered what few questions i had and told me what i needed to do for the application and things. ive been working on the applications and hence have come to realize again why it is i hate filling them out..i get so confused when it comes to writing out the job descriptions..i know what i do but i dont know how to write it..or make it sound like im actually doing something..i hate that..it annoys the crap out of me because it all comes down to talking about your strengths and i just want to argue that i dont have any why do jobs have to care so much about strengths (ok dont answer that i already know lol) but i do plan on talking to the T about it tomorrow..because i think ill just stress and stress about it if i dont ..and maybe she will be able to ease my fears...hence ill have to end up messing around with bills to even pay for therapy..blah..but if i got this job i would get benefits and hopefully will get to stop paying out of pocket for therapy..

struggling...

i dont know what to do about anything right now...im worried about my job..im worried about everything actually...money..therapy..being at home..cutting..purging..both of which ive been doing lately...completely stressed out and everything is back to being way to much to deal with..i hate everything..i cant handle anything..blah..things just bite a lot right now..i have no escape over the weekend these days..im stuck with mommy..and yesterday i had to help her with the beach house..she told me 4 hours..she told me after that i could leave..but guess what..im the stupid one because i actually thought she would keep her word and well i was stupid for believing it..every time i tried to leave i was talked out of it..because since i was there longer then i could help more..i could give up my time and be more helpful..when i didnt want to be there in the first place..and i tried and tried to keep my calm and not freak but it didnt work and i was just so mad ..so upset yesterday..it wasnt fair..but that aside it has just been so hard and my job is not going as well as i would have hoped..i love my job and my kids..but gas is to expensive..its killing me and sucking up my paychecks..i cant handle it..and once again everything is falling behind..and i hate that..i hate struggling to make ends meet and not being able to do it..and being at home is just getting harder and harder..and its like something has to change before i manage to kill myself..and i was talking to nia about it and its like i could apply for the jobs in a different county..and if it works out it does..if it doesnt then it wont be the end of the world either..but if i make it the trail period if i get the job then i would move there..it would be about an hour drive there and back..there are a lot of social work jobs in brunswick and i can apply for all of them..its so weird you know..i could move up and its like the scariest thing ever..i dont know what to do..i dont know what i should do..its so confusing..i hate change..i dont want to have another job..and even if i do i wonder if i would be able to stay with the early intervention part..i want to get that certification..but i feel guilty planning on leaving my job now..oh i just dont know..a lot is just stuck in my head right now..and i dont think ill be able to go to therapy this week either..i want to go but i cant afford to go..it sucks ..all of it..