tired ramblings

im struggling to stay awake right now because im not at my house and i was planning on leaving and going home but its already almost midnight and i got like 4 hours of sleep last night but im not completely comfortable staying here either..ok and that was just confusing and long! but im sleepy and just really worried and stressed right now...like wondering what in the heck im doing with everything..i have another week about the job i interviewed for..im really hoping i get it...i really am trying to be positive about it..but the more i think about it the more i start telling myself that im not going to get it..that i should start putting out applications again and that i dont need to give up on finding another job..that way if i dont get it then it wont hurt as much...but if i do get it then things can start to get so much better. but then i have to consider where to apply ..theres not much around where i live now and if im willing to move farther away. the funny thing is there are jobs up near asheville where i worked before..not with the same company mind you but just in the area...i loved that area..i would love to go back if i could afford it..but that would mean well a big move because thats about 6 or so hours..all the way across the state..that would mean stopping therapy again just when im starting to get back into it..but i would be moving..i would be on my own..and away..but i know now that even being away doesnt just make things all better..no matter how much i might wish it...if i moved i would have to stay in therapy..better yet i would prolly have to have the appt set up before hand because otherwise i might not keep up..and may be ive grown up enough in the past year and a half to know that and know what it is i need to do..i want to think i have..but im not sure..no im not the same as i was a year ago..or even a year and a half ago when i first started out in the real world..but i look at it all now and know that i have to keep looking..i have to keep trying and not just give up and settle..its more important this time..i have to prove i can do it..and that i really can stand on my own..and actually make something of myself..i feel like im just wasting away at home..ill die at home..but i will have to come to some idea about the traveling and moving though..i applied for the job i did because it was close enough that i could get away with moving .. i wouldnt have to change therapists...but if i dont get that job and get one farther away..then i dont know..that would be giving up everything again..but what is holding me here? thats the problem..i look at being at home and it depresses me so very much..i go out of town and come back and just the thought of having to go home makes me so very sad and tired..there is nothing for me here..im nothing here..and i just think that if i dont do something to get away..then i will run out of time..and i dont want to die..not really..sometimes yea but overall not really. but at the same time all of this really is scary..and makes me worry about what im getting myself into...i wonder if im ready..i wonder if i can leave again and just stay gone...

mad

feeling awfully scrambled right now...just not ok at all but trying to be ok because theres no other choice..im so so upset and everything that can go wrong with my car is going wrong and it makes me mad because its like my car is falling apart and its only been mine for a year and a half now..my drove it for almost 4 years before i got it back..and its a long long story for how that actually worked out..but now its like all this stuff is going wrong with it and i cant afford to get it fixed and my mom is constantly asking about my stupid irs money again because i got the stupid letter in the mail finally and now that she knows im getting it..she has to bring up everything shes done and tell me all this stuff i need to help pay for that i never wanted in the first place and she wants to know how much she can have..and this is after she said she didn't want any of it..she told me that she only asked because she knew i needed the extra money..and now i just feel stupid for even believing her ...i should have known better and that as soon as things changed she would change it all and start telling me that i had to help..and that what i was planning on using the extra money for is just not going to work out...which is don't think is fair at all.but it seems that what i think doesn't matter in the slightest..and i really don't know why i bother at all..because somehow no matter what i say makes me the wrong one..and no matter what it is i want to do i cant..im the one spending to much money and that i should have made enough to pay my bills..and its like nothing i do is right and she makes it sound like i just go and blow all the money i have on absolutely nothing..like im that stupid..or i have no idea how to manage my money better than that! give me a break..it makes me so so mad..well im mad all the time lately it seems...and this morning i was just pissed off because one my tire was flat ..but i went and had it looked at and was told it looked ok..so i just put air in it and then was on my way..but i figure it will have to be changed soon if its starting to lose air..but also for the money issues and then nia demands i take her to work..she was the one sick..and if she is sick and not feeling good then stay home from work..and dont demand and get a freaking attitude when she has to depend on someone else to even take her in late..just because im at home doesnt mean a thing to anyone else..me being at home is an invitation it seems for everyone to ask me to do stuff or to let someone borrow my car to do something they want to do..and if i say no then everyone is all pissed off at me..if its my car and im the one paying for it shouldnt i be able to say what i want to do with it? and right now no i dont have the money to waste gas to drive an hour to take her to work and then go back home..i wasnt going to do it without gas money and she she pissed me off anyway..i took my time with getting ready to leave...because one she never asked..and i dont like it being demanded that i just do something because im right there and no one seems to think i have anything else to do..what gives her the right to get pissed off at me when im doing her a favor?? if i didnt take her then she wouldnt have gotten to work at all..and i dont feel bad at all making her give me gas money to take her because she didnt give me enough to even make it worth taking her..not when gas is back up to $4 dollars..and not when i wasnt expecting to be driving anywhere else today..no im not sorry in the least...and the whole thing still makes me feel so mad..i couldnt finish anthing i needed to do at home because of running her to work and once i left i wasnt going to be coming back because that would be a waste of gas if i just had to turn around and go babysit tonight..its all so stupid

i hate my life..

i dont know what im supposed to do...

im not liking therapy to much right now..and its all my fault..i keep trying to talk without actually revealing anything..i keep trying to talk around the issues..i dont want to talk about the real stuff..id rather just pretend that there is nothing wrong ..that im perfectly fine..you know..if i say it enough then ill believe it and things will go back to being ok enough to manage..but i guess things really arent ok..they never were..something has always been wrong and i ignored it..i made it go away..forced myself to make excuses..pretend nothing was wrong..that i deserved it..that it was my fault..whatever it took..i made sure i knew that it was my fault..i reminded myself..i had to make myself believe..so i told myself again and again until i did..until no one could tell me any different..and then i left home and had to start learning that the world doesnt really work like i thought it did..not everyone was going to hit me or yell at me...i dont understand why it is my therapist doesnt get mad at me or annoyed..i know she wouldnt hit me but i cant say i havent thought it..im completely ok with knowing someone is mad at me..but im not ok with someone being ok with me..i have to question it..i have to make sure i dont start thinking that somehow they are right and im just wrong about it all..and now i just dont know..i know what im expected to do..what i should do..but i dont know what i want to do..i think about it all the time now..i think about if i want to talk..what i want to say..what i can say without getting in trouble..i want to talk but i cant..i dont know what to say..i dont know how to get around everything in my head..and now the lovely topic of abuse came up today and i was talking about my lack of memory skills..and the topic came up and she questioned me a little bit on it but not much..but enough to make me really wonder what it is i want to do..i dont want my almost perfectly illusioned world to fall apart..i dont want to have to know the truth but i hate not knowing..i hate questioning what i remember against what i dont..i hate being so sad and anxious and not knowing why..i dont want to be like this forever..if i dont do it now then it will just keep coming up or else i will find a way to kill myself..something that doesnt bother me as much as it should..but i guess thats just what it comes too..but then i have to wonder if ill try to kill myself now if i start remembering all the stuff i forgot..maybe i forgot it for a darn good reason..im scared that she will figure it out..im just scared about everything right now..im tired of fighting it all..but i dont know how to not fight it..i have to ignore it..i have to make it go away and i keep getting asked why i think about it like that..and i dont have an answer..i just cant deal with it..talked about cutting today too..and i got around to mentioning that i was scared to stop it because then there would be nothing for me to replace it with..i have to replace it ..i just cant stop and theres nothing there..and she asked why..and i didnt realize it then but later on that i just cant see myself with out..i cant see myself not doing something that hurts on purpose..its always been something..it started with picking and i was in trouble for it..moved to purging for other reasons..but not many know about that.. and then it moved to cutting and i got in trouble for that but have yet to stop..and then it went to burning..and that was the ultimate hurt but i couldnt control it and stopped for the most part..it all hurts..they all have there purposes..but without them i dont know who i am...i dont know how not to hurt myself..and when those dont work i can attack myself in my head any time i want..i cant get out of my head..i cant escape myself..and i know how make myself hurt, i know what it takes..hell mommy doesnt even have to do it cas i got better than her at it even..i already know my weak points and how to exploit them to the extreme.. i do it without thinking about it..i can make things really bad for myself really fast and i dont know how to stop it..do i even want to stop? i want to say yes..geez my head screams yes..but i have to stop and question it..it cant just be yes..it isnt that simple..why cant it be that simple? why does it have to scare me so much? i dont know..

....

sometimes i think it makes me jealous that i cant be the center of attention all the time..i want to be left alone and not noticed but i still want to be noticed a little bit..but then i dont like it...in a big dont touch me mood..have been since the other night when i was cutting..feeling mega lonely and killer depressed..geez if i could get out of my head i would..i cant even stand myself right now and its like a never ending rain of thoughts about how alone i am..its utterly pathetic in an incredilbly depressing way..geez i want to cut just to shut my head up..but then i made a mess the other night..not cool..think im nervous about therapy tomorrow..dont know what to say..talked about the burning but after i left i figured out i had done it only cas i wanted to make her mad at me..i guess i figure if i get her mad enough then she will tell me to leave and that i cant be helped and that will be the end of it..and then ill once again not have to answer to anyone about anything at all..i thought things were supposed to get better not worse...and it just feels like things are getting worse and worse..well sometimes thats what it feels like..and i know its not always like that but right now its like just overwhelming i guess...maybe i need to just go and lay down for a while..stare at the wall or something..since ive been doing that alot lately..maybe i expect the wall to keep me company or something..

not good

im on a serious quest to find a job...well currently waiting to hear hopefully back from the ppl i interviewed with last week.but if not then will have to look around some more for another job..just cant handle being at home anymore told the mom a couple days ago or something that i would move out so i could get another cat..she laughed it off and told me to do what i had to do...i was talking to my sister yesterday about how if i got another job that i would move out..and my mom asked me about it later on..and i told her yea..but i said i would do it because i wanted to save on gas which is true..i dont think i could deal with telling her that i was moving out because being at home made me feel stupid and suicidal..for some reason i dont think that would go over to well...but its just each week it gets a little harder to be here..my head is not ok..cut last night and i feel more guilty that im not sorry about it..not that i did it..

lots of thoughts

you know its kinda funny..that today i can look back on the interview..what i can remember about it anyway..and pick out the parts where i could have added more details and things..the more nitpicky end of things..and overall i still think i did pretty good for this to have been my first interview at a dss..and they asked the awful where do you see yourself in five years question! ...it was the first time i havve done an interview with three people asking me questions..and when i answered some it was like i could see them nodding when i gave a good answer pretty much and it was funny ..because it was like i said what they wanted to hear on some things..the more school related stuff and stuff about my job..darnit forgot where i was going with this...hmm oh..now that all the anixety is gone from worrying about being questioned..i dont think i would feel as horrible as i thought if i didnt get the job..if i lived through one interview i can do another one..yea it would suck..but wont be the end of the world..and they told me it would be a couple weeks at least before i heard anything..and that if i didnt hear anything by the middle of july that i wasnt going to be offered a job..but ill keep looking..just in case..because right now im not working enough to keep up with bills at all..and its pretty much sucking on that end of things..i asked for more hours yesterday though and kinda told one of my supervisors that i was just keeping an eye out for a new job..soo guess thats all..not sure if that made any sense at all ..but i guess overall it is a sense of accomplishment..i now know the world will not end if i mess up a little in an interview or forget to say something..maynot get the job but doesnt mean i cant apply for another one..and i want to go on record as actually writing that.incase in a week i go and say it all sucks or something..

but with everything else..i dont know..feel kind of out of it today..this week work wise has been pretty sad..ive worked what 2 and a half days..and i only say half because the baby that i work with is only for an hour...but my other person has seriously had his hours cut..and it sucks..so its like every week im losing hours..ugh..so it really doesnt feel like im working much at all..and now riley and harris are getting ready to go out of town for camp for like 3 weeks or something and i wont be getting that extra money eitherr...so yea..cutting it close for the next month or so i guess..until i find another job..

and i cant say im struggling with the cutting or not cutting or whatever...i did try the distracting thing..tried not to stop it all..and i woke up this morning..and now of it mattered..because somewhere in the last 12 or so hours i decided i wanted to and nothing was going to stop me..it was just a matter of how long i wanted to wait it out...and im not even doing it because im upset or anything..sad yea but when am i not sad these days? so its not really about it either..it because right this minute i feel dead..and i dont like that feeling..i dont like when my head feels all foggy and slow..i keep zoning out ..getting distracted by little stuff and then forgetting what im doing..funny how that happens and all iwas doing was looking at graphics..there was a little smiley face graphic that kept turning into a knot..and i watched it for a while before i realized i was supposed to be doing something else..that shouldnt distract me and it did..and prolly would have for a lot longer if i hadnt been writing something..mmm dont know..

not thrilled....

the interview was fine..actually madde it through without doing anything stupid..and worked hard to keep eye conttact and not get to fidgety ..think i managed ok..answered all of there questions at least..now i just have to wait..they said they are still doing interviews..and it could be a couple weeks before they pick anyone..
hoping i was good enough and made a good impression but said like and umm a million times but that was more nerves than anything else..

and then had to go and try on dresses and s tuff with mommy cas even though i already said i found the one i wanted i cant have it..so mommy went and picked some out and she is dead set on having it her way..and she keeps going for the wrong fucking color..im sorry but browwn is not kahki in any way shape or form..but whatever..well lucky me they didnt fit anyway..so embrassed about it..and the lady said they were made small but that doesnt make me feel any better to know that the dress would have to be two sizes bigger than what i usually wear..and i dont know ..im not small and it was already a hassle finding a dress..and now it just got a million times harder ..feeling stupid..and a whole lot of other not good stuff.. wanna go hide in a corner or something

one more time...

got triggered last night and started thinking about cutting..except i remembered from therapy that i had to work on controlling the impluse more..cas sometimes its like theres not room for anything else in my head..i have to do something that hurts and then i can think about everything else..but it started me thinking you know that if i just do it once more it will be ok and that will be it and ill be able to stop next time and it wont hurt..like i had to talk myself back into it being ok to do..that if i made it ok then it wasnt a bad thing and i wouldnt feel guilty..if i make it ok to need it then its just for now and not later..but then i realized im making it just every other addiction ive seen..anyone watch the show intervention? cool shoe but huge huge triggers..but its a good show about the real effects of addictions..but its like how many times has someone died from that 'one more time' thinking..now im not doing to die from cutting my arm but thats not really the point..if i make this my one last time then what about the next time or the next impluse..its like im setting it up in a way so that every time is the last time ill do it but it will never end..it can be the last time a million times..and what then? im still looking at the scars from the last time i promised to stop..and then time after that..and then the time after that too..


just thinking...

..

and therapy was hard..but i think i talked more today than i have in any other session so far..and given the topic..i was just yelling for me to be quiet..but whats new..but we talked about moving and stuff and my t was nice enough to remind me that just moving away isnt going to magically make things better..and i let her know that moving an hour away was pretty much doing nothing..but still away is away..if it becomes a possibilty..and there is something really bothering me about therapy today..because we talked about cutting and consequently burning and i let her know how i did it and everything..and i was telling her all this stuff and i was trying to guage her reaction at the same time..and she wasnt mad at me...disappointed..yea..sad or even worried..yea..but she wasnt mad..and it wasnt until after i left that i figured out that somehow i really expected her to be mad..really really mad you know..and it makes no sense at all..because i know..ive already asked her..and she let me know that its not about her being mad..but still that was one of the underlying reasons for telling her..i wanted to shock her..i wanted her to be upset and mad at me for being stupid..or for doing bad stuff.. and it completely throws me that it didnt happen the way i expected it too..idont know..its so confusing though..because its like i keep going against what i already know..i have to question it..i have to somehow make it not ok ..and im also guessing this is one of those things i would prolly have to let her know

jobs

i got two calls today about job interviews..one i turned down because im not really into getting back into the 4 days or 4 days off routine and working weekends..no..and then the other i set up an appointment for next week! and im going to be intereviewed for two jobs at the same time.

i am happy i am but im also really surprised because i had just talked to the employment place where i had to send the applications and the guy was telling me it could take up to two months! so i wasnt really expecting to hear and anything at all and then out of the blue ( its been about two weeks since i sent in the applications) i get a call asking for an interview..

ok so i have all week to freak out about it because its next wed..

lack of motivation

some times i realy do wonder how it is ppl can stay so motivated to do things.. to just stay on top of work and home life and fun and friends and family and everything..and fit it in and not break down...i can barely manage two things at once..much less all of that and expect to get anything done..right now work is suffereing because i cant focus..i dont want to do the paperwork..i know i have to turn it in if i want to get paid but i just cant bring myself to sit down and do it..im depressed with everything else thats going on and so work stuff outside of actually seeing my cls is whats taking the beating i guess...right now im two weeks behind on one set of paperwork and a week behind on another..im worried because i cant really explain why i havent done it..and its just hurting me in the long run because my paychecks will be screwed up..and i know that..i understand all of that..and i still cant bring myself to do it im sorry but saying i just dont want to do it wont help me..saying i sit down to write it and spend more time watching the hours tick by on the clock isnt going to help me..i keep saying im going to do it and then other stuff gets my attention..theres other stuff i just have to do and cant put off..i should be better at managing my time and getting things turned in and im not..i dont know how to do it..i dont set deadlines for myself because i know i wont keep them..and now i know i can turn them in late and its not that big of a deal so even the set deadline im playing with..and its going to get me into trouble soon..once its figured out that ive been not turning them in..sigh..it all sucks because its like im just digging myself this bigger hole and not gonna be able to get myself out of it if i dont stop now..because the paperwork doesnt stop if i dont turn it in..more is just added on and then it is even more overwhelming and im more behind..i need to get a grip or something...i just dont know...i dont want to do anything..i want to sleep..i want to stay in bed..i dont care about anything at all right now...i muster enough energy to go to work and thats all i can manage...

and had therapy yesterday..and first..i got around to agreeing that i would call if i was really suicidal didnt like it..but i guess it was one of those things i just had to do..whether i really wanted to our not..

and this came up yesterday so im still working out what i think about it all..

i think i just group cant and wont together..or maybe it has always just been i cant do something and not really i wont do something.

i was asked yesterday if i would say i was upset with my mom..and i thought about it and got distracted and stopped listening to her..and when i finally pulled myself back into her office so to speak..i told her that i cant do that..and she disagreed and told me i was fully capable of saying it i just wouldnt..and given i dont think ive ever really connected the two at all..and now it is confusing me..because on one hand the t is right in that i am fully capable of speaking the words and saying them..and on the other hand its like no cant do it..i dont know why or cant explain why..but its like i cant ...not even if i might semi want too...but now its like well maybe it is a wont type thing and a lot of the things i say i cant do are things i just wont do or im not ok doing..does that make sense?

worried

im worried...really really worried..

had a bad dream that mommy figured out i had new scars on my arm and wouldnt let me do anything..i dont remember much of it but i couldnt lie my way out of it..it was a miserable dream

worried about talking to my supervisor today..worried about what she will tell me..worried about the jobs i applied for..heck just worried about everything right now..

blah

back at home..had a fun weekend with riley and now its over..kinda sad that it is ..becuase it took until i was on the way home to actually realize i didnt want to go home..things are just depressing..and im tired enough that maybe ill just take a nap but im not sure..not thrilled about anything right now..and certainly not the upcoming week..i really am hoping i here back from on of the jobs i applied for..i would like to know what im possibly getting myself into, if anything at all..and now that i am looking at changing jobs..im starting to wonder about therapy and if ill be able to stay in it because of actually having real hours at work..or if i would be able to do something else to keep a couple hours free some day during the week..i dont know..i never really considered you know after hours or weekends..not sure those are even offered but it hasnt come up before..so i really dont know..i would rather keep it at the same day/time as i have it now..but if not will have to think of something..

more collages

collages

weekend..and stuff

ive been thinking a whole heck of a lot this week..havent really wanted to but i guess ive been really stressed out about everything with therapy and then with work and then with home stuff..everything really is hard..but i think it is passing too..i mean just be to sad to try dealing with it anymore..but i think some of it is passing..

with work..i called my supervisor and told her that im not comfortable working with the kid and his mom and that i needed to talk to her asap. she was out so i just left a message. i feel better doing it..i feel better knowing i have indeed put my foot down and know that i am not ok having a kid tell lies like that about me when i never touched him..when i wasnt alone with him in a public library. i understand how serious it is..but the kid doesnt and that bothers me..because this time he was just mad i made him read and wouldnt let him have his way. what will happen next time he is mad at me? what would be go and tell his mom then? i cant get over that his mom isnt willing to deal with it more..isnt willing to even tell me what he said herself. why ask the other worker who wasnt there? why question it if i already told her myself what happened. she should know her kid..she should know when he is flat out lying..and she just lets me get away with it..this is my job..so no..i do happen to know im not ok with it and will not pretend to be ok with it at all..so ill have to wait and see..and it really does surprise me that im willing to put my foot down and stand up for myself with this..

on to a different subject..
ive been thinking a lot about suicide..not doing it but just suicide in general..and what it really means ...what does telling actually mean..because in my head its like giving up control completely..and now that ive exhausted every possible way of thinking about it im not sure anymore..i mean in my time online..because of the places i hang out..it is hard hearing ppl are in the hospital or someone has died..given this is online and it may be true it may not be true..but hearing it is enough to question you know..why didnt they tell..why didnt they ask for help..it makes me feel like a hypocrite because im completely willing to tell someone else to ask for help or to go to the hospital if they need to inorder to stay alive and here i am locking my jaw on the entire ordeal..i dont get it at all..again its like give and give and support someone else but then theres not enough left to support myself..i keep telling myself that i wouldnt do it..that i may think about it sometimes but i would never seriously try to do it..that i would screw it up..and if i did try and woke up in the hospital i would be in a whole lot of trouble..i have to be the only person in the world who would associate a failed suicide attempt with being in trouble..it really doesnt make any sense at all sometimes.the way i think about things..and sometimes i can make the best sense ever about the most off the wall stuff..but its just hard..i know i want to be ok with myself.i know i dont want to be unhappy and depressed for forever..but am i really willing to try to make it better..am i willing to really let someone help me do that. am i going to trust that she does care and will listen and make sure i stay alive..do i want her too..what do i want for my future? i say i cant see myself without the cutting and i really truly cant..i cant see anything in my future at all..i meant it when i told her i was lucky if i could see myself to the end of the week..every so often something comes up that i want to do and its like yea i have plenty of time..and sometimes it feels like i dont have time at all..that i have to cram everything in now because i dont know what will happen to me even a year from now...but then when i was really suicidal i didnt do anything..im still alive..hell ill be 25 this year..i never expected to make it past 18 or 21 or any other stupid birthday of mine..so maybe i should work on being ok with being alive..maybe there is a part of me that really does rebel at the thought of killing myself..maybe i do know what it really means..its prolly not a good thing that when i like about my ultimate goal in life all i can come up with is that i will kill myself in the end..some how thats what i want without wanting it..somehow its this great plan that ive put no thought into at all..its just there..underneath everything..eventually im sure i will have to give it more attention to figure out why i have thought it up..but for now its just something that i know is in my head but i can ignore for the most part..

sometimes i really hate my head.i hate how ive managed to work everything into this ball of being ok when its pretty obvious that its not..and so now having to look at it and i mean really look at it and wonder how i have it set up is really hard..its also really hard concentrating while in therapy..but thats something else..

and something else that has come up is that i am incredibly negative..which is something ive never really considered before..and i think it really is all just how im being looked at with it..because i would have said that i was just neutral ..you know..neither incredibly happy my views on the world or incredibly sad/upset with the world..and its like ok dont look at it like that..just on a personal level..not what other ppl see either..what are you more of..positive or negative? and i really hadnt thought about it like that at all..i want to say yea im positive but i know thats not true..it makes me unhappy to realize how negative i am towards myself..occasionally i think that im being mean to myself or rude..and i find it funny to threaten myself at times..but it all comes down to being negative as heck and it really doesnt matter if no one sees it..i can drive myself crazy in my head without putting much effort into it at all..i can make myself cry in my head and no one would know..because what i tell myself is more than just i hate you..given i can repeat it a million times a day but then no one would expect that from me..maybe thats how ive worked that one out..if no one knows then im not actually doing it..then its not as serious because its not like im just going to go an tell someone that i yell at myself in my head..that im highly critical because then they would ask why i do it..and that im not entirely sure about..why do i do it when i know i dont like it..its a habit doesnt seem to really cover it all..i want to say its just that im used to it..that its easier to do it before anyone else can..but still the big question is well then how taught you how to do it? and that i really cant answer..

there is this serious urge to just get away from everything..ill be happy with just a day or something..i really just want to pack a bag and go without telling anyone where ive gone..pick a random hotel somewhere and just chill out for a couple days..come up with some lie to answer mommies questions..that i know she will ask..but for now i know i cant do that..im currently spending the weekend with riley while his parents are out of town ..we went to the movies last night and saw get smart..it was funny..laughed through the entire movie..we came back and ended up having breakfast for dinner that riley cooked mostly by his self! i was proud of him..and then we watched the new disney movie and had a tickling war..it was fun..i dont mind staying with him at all..he is a little restless though lol..the weather isnt great today so i have no idea what we are going to do today..but he is still asleep for now..but im not at home and thats is enough for now..and wont be home until tomorrow afternoon some time most likely..and i dont even want to go then..i hate going home..

labels..wrote this last week i think

lately ive been thinking a lot about labels and how much they really do have an impact on things..i mean if i consider myself to be something good or bad and then have someone else come along and agree then it becomes something that is real..something that is noticable by others...doesnt have to be a flaw or some brillant thing..but its just noticable..and then i could have something i know about and only i know about but no one else does..and its like ok then no one else can see it..no one else knows..so maybe imm making it up..maybe its not real..its not true..i dont know

then society thought up the ever so brillant dsm and its like thats the bible of psychology..if its not in the book then it cant possibly be true..if it doesnt have a name then i cant help you..if you dont fall into a set catergory or a set diagnosis then im sorry for you..geez does anyone ever wonder how many ppl fall through the cracks because they dont 'fit' into a catergory or cant be dx'd with anything because they only have 2 of 7 symptons? wheres the justice and fairness then?

but anyway..besides all the problems i have with the world of getting into ppls heads..the topic of labels just has to come up..and its not that i havent thought about it all before because i have..and normally i want to be the good person and say i dont care about labels at all you know..that i would never look at someone and like or not like them because of some dx..and for the most part and ok with other ppls labels whatever they may be..doesnt matter because its not who they are you know..you cant base someone or someones life on what a bunch of docs say about then..or what society has given them to put them into some nice neat little catergory..thats incredibly unfair and semijudgemental..because its like you are getting a warning about a person before you meet them but its done in a perfectly acceptable way..isnt that an oxymoron..im going to get a dx of being Schizophrenic and then be unable to live in the world because all anyone cares about is whether or not ive taken my meds or having an episode..because thats all most ppl know about it..thats the important stuff right?

(yes i really had a point to this)

its just unfair i guess..its one of those things that on one hand is really good and on another its really bad..i would like to be able to say labels are a bunch of bs and no one should care about them at all..but then without them ppl wouldnt know what was wrong with them..there would be mo relief..but theres also no way to get over the labels..to move past them into something else..once your an alcoholic your always going to be labeled an alcoholic..maybe at some point it will turn into being a recovered alcoholic but notice the alcoholic part never goes away...you will always be recovering..working on it..but never really beating it in the eyes of society and what is normal and good..

i do hate that ive been labeled..i hate that ive labeled myself..because somehow i found what it is thats possibly wrong with me..and to some degree i can ignore them all..you know ..they are just words that someone wrote down and attached to my name..but on a deeper level i hate it more than anything else because maybe someone else is able to see past it all but i cant..i know ill always be a cutter..or the recovering cutter or recovering whatever..thats all it will ever be..recovering or survivor ..and i dont want that..i dont want to be known as the one who was crazy or had to spend a million years in therapy just inorder to function without being suicidal..it all seems so trival just writing about it.llike i could be spending my time tackling world hunger or something but instead im choosing to attack society and all its stupid norms and regulations and ideas..until my doc mentioned it last week i really had never considered anything outside of being known as just what ive been labeled..there was nothing else..because if i kept hiding it then no one would know..no one would bother asking..and i can manage and function and do my job and do whats expected of me..and live..but in my head..all i could see was the scars..the hurt..the pain..it didnt matter what anyone else had to say because i had already condemned myself without any help..out of protection most likely..if i can barely believe it how could anyone else believe it?

lately i have been reminding myself to stop saying im crazy..to stop making a million excuses to make things ok when they arent..and i could almost almost wish that i had never bothered trying to change anything..

sorry for the rant

everything..

it just feels like everything is just trapped in my head..to many things are going through my head and im trying to remember that im supposed to be trying you know..cutting is bad bad bad and ive done it once today already..but i just cant get past the thoughts..i want to hurt..i want to hurt something..anything..i dont care..i cant seem to calm myself down..i want to cry..my feelings are hurt..im worried about what ill say when i talk to my supervisor tomorrow..i know i have to talk to her because because if i dont ill just keep freaking out..this week has been just miserable..and its like ok what else can happen that hasnt already.. what else am i going to be expected to have to deal with..i dont want to deal with anything..i dont even what to have to deal with whats going on now..i think and think of ways to get out of it all and i come up with nothing..i cant see myself in the future..i can see myself stopping anything..i dont want too..and i know im just upset now and my thoughts will most likely change a million times in the next few days but for today i dont care..im sick of all of this..being at home is really getting to me in the worst way..but i know i cant afford to leave..i cant afford to do anything..i dont know what i want to do..im so agitated right now..i keep thinking..i want to sleep..i dont want to do anything else but sleep thats all..i cant sleep.i cant do anything..im writing and ill prolly right again and again and again and it wont change anything..i cant get my head to shut up and leave me alone..i cant think and all i do is think..i cant not think..i have to plan for what i dont know..but i have too..i have to do to many things.. i have to be everything im supposed to be and its a pain..its to much..i want to be left alone and everything seems to happen faster when i dont want to be bothered..i dont know what im doing at all.im sick of feelings..im sick of wanthing to cry..all week it hasnt gotten any better..its like everything happened at once..as soon as i got to the point of really questioning everything..


maybe..maybe i need to see about changing my appt for therapy to earlier than tues :( maybe noot though..cant really afford it as it is..lets not add on any more charges..
and maybe ill just do what i want to do and worry about everything else later..geez now im just managing to confuse myself..

beyond upset..

i found out today from another worker that the new kid im working with (we are switching out..she is moving and im taking the cl she has been working with..so we are both working with this kid and switching off days)..well the kid told his mom a whole bunch of lies about me and how i treated him when i was wworking with him yesterday..she freaking believed him enough to ask the other worker what she thought about it...i had already told his mom what happeend and what was said..but then the kid turns around and says all this stuff about how i was mean and was pulling on him and walked into the bathroom while he was in there undressed geez i have no idea what to say to him right now..i dont want to be anywhere near him right now..and its more disappointing that his mom didnt want me to even know about it ..the other worker called and told me..and told me his mom thought that the kid telling the truth in the end was enough to fix this..and its not..the kid called and apologized..the other worker told me that he would be doing things to make up for his lying all day while shes with him because his mom wont do a freaking thing about..and its like im expected to show up monday and pretend things are fine?! how?? it was to late today to call my supervisor about it all so ill have to talk to her tomorrow or monday when i see her..and the other worker is putting it all in her notes to turn in anyway..but it really pisses me off..that the kid would do all this because he was mad that i just wouldnt let him have his way..because i wouldnt let him do anything else before he read a couple books and freaking easy books at that...i couldnt even think while i was talking to the other worker..im glad she told me..i told her i was glad she told me..and i know that when she says shes not letting the issue drop with him that she means it..but in the end its still about me..my name attached to all this shit..and its like geez i would never do it..i dont even say shut up because i find it rude and this kid is just going on and on about all this stuff i supposedly did to him and it bothers me..bothers me more that his mom is fully ok with just letting it drop..

i have calmed down if nothing else..did a lot of writing yesterday...i think ive run out of words to say..seriously depressed though..it all sucks..i want to be let alone but mommy is home now and things are back to normal..i can do nothing right it seems..

....falling

things are just hard and really stressful right now..was talking about suicide with the t today..didnt mean for it to go there but thats where it ended up..theres so much yelling and arguing inside cas i dont know what to do..i dont know whats behind it all..not like actual suicide stuff but more of how to handle it with the t cas it makes me nervous having her worried about me. she told me shes worried..and i prolly didnt do much to ease her fears..i told her i wasnt currently suicidal and im not..but whats to say that wont change..whats to say i even want to be stopped if it made it that far? i dont like it being brought up to consider other ppls feelings when it comes to suicide..i dont even care enough about mine..yes im a horrible person..i wrote and wrote and wrote..i argued with myself all day today..almost made it to crying but stopped that..cant cry..to many other things in my head to deal with crying..i feel so many things..guess fear would be the huge underlying part but theres something else too..i hate not being able to figure it out ..and i know im completely worked up and freaking out about it and so its not helping at all and i cant figure it out because i cant get myself to calm down enough to think anymore..i need to calm down..i dont need to cut..right..maybe ill get around to beliving that if i keep reminding myself..

she told me today that she cared..


and here i am just freaking out big time over it all..because i hate that it all comes down to me and i dont know what i want at all..i want someone to tell me what to do..i want some miracle to happen and magically things will be ok and they wont be confusing and scary anymore..there is something very very wrong with owning up to the suicidal feelings and i dont know what it is..i dont want to know..all through the session today my head was noisy..i said no to everything..screamed no..refused to hear the doc. i forgot most of what was talked about..i dont even know how it got to talking about suicide..somehow it came up and she finally got around to asking if i would let her know if i was feeling that way..i told her no..i always say no because i hate anyone knowing i hate feeling like that..she told me shes not comfortable with that..and its my fault.. i could have said yes..i could have just said ok ill tell you..but i didnt..i couldnt..because then it would have been worse if i ever do try and dont tell her..then ive broken my word..and that wouldnt be good ..i dont know why i have to say no but i do...its beyond just being scared and stuff..i dont know..all day since i left her its been argument after argument in my head..and ones ive lost no less..how is it possible to lose and argument with myself?!..have a killer headache..want to not have to see her anymore..dont want to go back.bbut that would be running away..i dont want to run..or maybe i do.. i dont feel like i can handle anything at all right now..like im just breaking apart..more so than usual..i dont know what to do.. i swear if i wasnt actually in my body and couldnt go anywhere i think i would be floating off right about now..

think im just going to go lay down..mommy is back now and things are just not ok enough to try and deal with her and everything else..maybe laying down before she comes back home will help a little ..i dont know

hmmm

feeling nervous today..really really stressing about money and gas and ugh just everything...with mommy out of town i have to take nia to work..taking her to work and picking her up is just killing my gas big time..mommy gave me enough to almost fill my tank before she left..and since then ive already added another 25 and will have to add more today..and i dont have any more..ugh..i dont want to drive anywhere at all because im freaking out so bad over gas prices..im up to needed 60 to fill my tank completely..i dont have that kind of money at all..its just a pain all of it..im thinking about changing myhours around at work so im not driving back and forth to work..like doing more hours each day i do work and not have to go every day..if the cls guardian doesnt like it then i guess ill just have to be replaced or something..but ill have to ask about that today..

mailed in the applications the other day and now all i can do is wait to hear something back about it all..im nervous..i hate waiting..it sucks ..

annnd this has been a good week overall..not a lot of stress ..no yelling..and its because mommy is not here...

hmm things are just interesting lately..

lots lots and just lots of stuff going on

might as well start with the not so good stuff..

cut last night..two seperate times..arm and wrist..wasnt as disappointed as i thought i should be..but oh well..over and done with..

i am going to finish the applicatins for the other jobs and send them in..i may get an interview i may not..but sending in the applications is something..i dont want to look back and know i didnt try at all..but i am struggling yet again with the strengths part of the application and description of my jobs..thats alwaays so hard for me! but still going to try really hard and hopefully will be able to get them mailed off by thursday at the latest..

i was horrible last night..and didnt finish my paperwork:( i just couldnt do it last night..i couldnt handle it..and mommy was really puting me on edge.i was feeling so many things and just couldnt handle the paperwork..and i feel horrible for not doing it but i will finish it tonight and take it in tomorrow morning..i let the office person know i was bringing them tomorrow.

i found out today that im only a few hours from getting my early intervention certification! and that really was pretty awesome.

and had therapy today..left feeling so quiet and confused..but now i feel more settled than i have been in a while..just finally had someone tell me truthfully looking right at me what she thought when she saw my scars..again i was surprised i asked..but i wanted to know..i let her see my journal..and we talked a lot about how i am fully capable of nuturing myself it just takes a lot to get to that part of myself..i have more homework to do in that i ahve to answer the letter i wrote to myself..have been thinking aobut it but dont know yet what im going to write..i realized a few things today about cutting and how i just assume everyone raction to the scars will be bad and thats not always the case..i asked her if she was mad at me nad if she still liked me..it was hard asking but i had too..i needed to know..and her responses threw me for a loop big time...its hard looking at it all from another perspective..and ive done it before but i guess i just forget about it ..i know it would be scary and overwhleming to see the scars and know someone is a cutter..and we talked about that the cutting doesnt define who i am..thats not the only thing there is about me..

i told yvonne i was in therapy today..i told her i wasnt ok at home and that i made myself so back to therapy..it was scary waiting for her response because we were texting while i was at work..and she told me i could call her anytime if i needed anything..i told her i didnt want to talk about it now but that i would tell her more eventually..and i will at some point but im not ready right now..

i also realized that i have a few ppl i really need to thank for knowing about the cutting and still treating me like me and not making me feel bad for cutting and stuff..i forgot that a few ppl do know and still like me regardless and im rude at times and ignore there advice..and thats not nice at all.

cant decide

so...things are ..i dont know ..freaked for some odd reason yesterday night..and really wanted to cut but wrote instead..i wasnt pleased but by the end i was so distracted and worn out that the energy and drive to cut was gone..hmm well not completely gone but it wasnt the most pressing thought anymore...so that was good maybe..

hmm applying for a few new jobs..3 to be exact because i callthe the employment place and they said i could apply for as many as i wanted as long as i did a seperate application for each one..im only aply for 3 though..of the social work jobs..and i feel so guilty i dont know what to do with myself..i have a job and its like im doing something wrong by applying for another one i dont get my head at times..i do want something more challenging..we need to get out of living at home because i wonder how long ill last some days..and more money would help that..heck just doing something that makes me use my head would be good..i feel like im wasting my degree some days..because i go to work and you know just hang out, or color or go bowling..and yes im helping my cl..im his friend in a lot of ways..but theres still that this is work line..this isnt really just going and hanging out..but thats what it feels like..i dont know if ill get any of the jobs..but i would feel stupider for not at least trying because i am qualified..its funny reading the requirements and its like holy cow i really can apply for something because i have a degree..was a little proud of myself for calling the employment place in the first place. the guy i talked to was really nice and answered what few questions i had and told me what i needed to do for the application and things. ive been working on the applications and hence have come to realize again why it is i hate filling them out..i get so confused when it comes to writing out the job descriptions..i know what i do but i dont know how to write it..or make it sound like im actually doing something..i hate that..it annoys the crap out of me because it all comes down to talking about your strengths and i just want to argue that i dont have any why do jobs have to care so much about strengths (ok dont answer that i already know lol) but i do plan on talking to the T about it tomorrow..because i think ill just stress and stress about it if i dont ..and maybe she will be able to ease my fears...hence ill have to end up messing around with bills to even pay for therapy..blah..but if i got this job i would get benefits and hopefully will get to stop paying out of pocket for therapy..

struggling...

i dont know what to do about anything right now...im worried about my job..im worried about everything actually...money..therapy..being at home..cutting..purging..both of which ive been doing lately...completely stressed out and everything is back to being way to much to deal with..i hate everything..i cant handle anything..blah..things just bite a lot right now..i have no escape over the weekend these days..im stuck with mommy..and yesterday i had to help her with the beach house..she told me 4 hours..she told me after that i could leave..but guess what..im the stupid one because i actually thought she would keep her word and well i was stupid for believing it..every time i tried to leave i was talked out of it..because since i was there longer then i could help more..i could give up my time and be more helpful..when i didnt want to be there in the first place..and i tried and tried to keep my calm and not freak but it didnt work and i was just so mad ..so upset yesterday..it wasnt fair..but that aside it has just been so hard and my job is not going as well as i would have hoped..i love my job and my kids..but gas is to expensive..its killing me and sucking up my paychecks..i cant handle it..and once again everything is falling behind..and i hate that..i hate struggling to make ends meet and not being able to do it..and being at home is just getting harder and harder..and its like something has to change before i manage to kill myself..and i was talking to nia about it and its like i could apply for the jobs in a different county..and if it works out it does..if it doesnt then it wont be the end of the world either..but if i make it the trail period if i get the job then i would move there..it would be about an hour drive there and back..there are a lot of social work jobs in brunswick and i can apply for all of them..its so weird you know..i could move up and its like the scariest thing ever..i dont know what to do..i dont know what i should do..its so confusing..i hate change..i dont want to have another job..and even if i do i wonder if i would be able to stay with the early intervention part..i want to get that certification..but i feel guilty planning on leaving my job now..oh i just dont know..a lot is just stuck in my head right now..and i dont think ill be able to go to therapy this week either..i want to go but i cant afford to go..it sucks ..all of it..

just writing

therapy today and it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be..we talked more about the scars and what it meant for me to show her..and just some of the triggers and things..and i think one of these days ill be able to talk you know..may take a heck of a lot more work but i know every time i go i talk a little bit more..and i was really worried about her reaction and now i know she handled it ok..but the more i talk about it the more ill have to figure it all out..and eventually get around to telling her almost everything..its nice to have someone to listen again..

that aside..i have homework.. as if i dont think about stuff tons..but this one is umm write a letter to myself (and actually take it to her this time) about how if i was my own parent what would i say to myself about the cutting..and i guess im writing it here to so i dont forget..but this will be the first time i actually give her something ive written and im sure ill tell her to keep it too..but i guess she had to find out at some point that i dont have a problem at all writing..guess i would have mentioned it at some point..but better get going..might actually put some effort into them

random things

i really really hate when things just kinda come up and im not expecting them..more so when it has to do with a butt load of money that i dont really have..soooo i had kinda forgotten that i got a citation thingy..and im still not really sure what the difference is in a citation and a ticket..but oh well..and i suddenly realized today when i was looking at the calendar that i was running out of time to pay it before i was in a heck of a lot more trouble over something as stupid as a registration sticker..yea it really was my fault so i see no point in taking it to court or anything..so i have to pay it but i really wasnt thinking i would have to pay freaking over a $100 for it..when i actually got around to calling the court and asking i found out its $145 to be exact..now the problem with that is ..i dont have an extra couple hundred laying around collecting dust somewhere..yea it would be awfully nice if i did though...so one way or another ill have to pay it and in to process i get to watch my little tiny savings account go back down to nothing..but oh well..trying hard not to stress about it..because its one of those things that i have to do and cant put off at all..ok well not past next monday anyway..and im really considering just driving to greenville on monday and taking care of it instead of mailing it..but havent decided yet..have to wait and see what ill be getting paid this week..because i really have no idea what my paychecks are... i have an idea and thats about all..

and it sucks even more than this is my last week with one of my cls and possibly moving cls and losing the other one to new ones and its hard and it is a big mess..so i will have to figure it all out...im really sad that im losing my evening kid..ill miss him alot..

so yesterday was a pain..for the most parrt...i really have forgotten what it means to stay home from fri to sunday with no break or getting away..its been so long since ive had to do it that it really was more depressing than usual..i can not have mommy in my car and drive..it drives me insane..and she comments on my driving and reminds when to slow down or watch out or she grabs the dashboard when im slowing down or something like shes s cared..and it makes me want to scream..i havent even h ad my license for a full two years yet..it feels like ive had it forever but i actually counted it up some day last week and it will be two years in aug...and i would say i drive ok but mommy would swear im the worst driver ever..and then doesnt sy a word abobut her driving..and just being in the car while mommy is driving and talking on the phone at the same time is enough to make me want to walk for the rest of my life..she doesnt pay attention at all and i do wonder how she hasnt been in an accident yet..but just constantly telling me what to do or what to wear or something..we went to a dance recital yesterday and stayed all day and as soon as i came downstairs she had something to say about my shoes and advised me to go and change them..and i wouldnt because i wanted to wear sneakers not flip flops ..but it was a big deal to her..i get sick of being called mean and selfish..sometimes i find it hard to believe that i would be the meanest person ever.sometimes i dont .. its just upsetting i guess..but the recital was long and not that good at all..ive danced for a long time and what i saw yesterday was rather disappointing technique wise for the most part..but watching i did realize again that i missed it just a bit..it was cool seeing some of the ppl we had danced with at the old studio who had now grown up..but some of the dances were just a bit painful to watch!! but the little kids were cute as always..

and now its back to work and the usual work week most likely..training thingy tomorrow..and then just the usual stuff

so

so today i wake up and i feel ok..havent had that in a while..i want to go somewhere but i cant for the most part because gas is killing me yet again and i swear those stupid gas prices keep going up..ugh..so unfair..but im just glad i feel ok today..but im guessing if im hanging out at home maybe ill work on some more art stuff..i read all day yesterday..but i didnt feel good..but i tried to stay out of mommys way because she did her you arent good enough speech more than once yesterday and it just made me mad..didnt help that i just went and started thinking i suck and everything..it didnt last long but i still thought it...i got myself sidetracked doing other stuff after i wrote for a while..played video games and read..and that was my day...fairly boring and after a while i was really bored..but today will be better i think..

hmm have been thinking about the trip overseas a lot and i think ive settled on doing grad school first before deciding to go over seas..that makes the most sense to me and i know im not going to be able to get over $3000 in the next year..not with my pay checks lol..not gonna happen! but still when i can i will try to save a little bit just in case...but yea i think grad school first and then doing other stuff because i do want to be finished with school completely..so i will see..and even still i think it will be 3 or so years ...

alright im off to find something to do with myself today..

i guess i do remember...some

i just finished a book on ed's...when i checked it out i guess i thought it ws something else but boy was i in for a surprise once i actually took the time to read the insert thingy...it was a good book but it was depressing too..hence my mood has taken a bombdive into nothingness..



and nevermind..cant put that here...

i dont consider myself bulimic at all..it comes and goes..i can stop whenever i want..but lately..as in well this week..i cant seem to eat without wondering if im going to b/p...its prolly not a normal response to say great ill eat and throw up my sister just came to tell me that mommy brought home dinner..i asked what it was and just thought great thats easy to purge.. whats wrong with me

tgif

i have never been so happy to see a friday..im sick of work..im sick of everything right now..and maybe im just overly tired and wornout..maybe im just stressing over bills and money and lack there of.. i dont know..the first friday in forever that i actually came home after work..no babysitting no anything..and do you know what im told to do? make sure i clean the house..so i wont have to do it tomorrow..yes i dont have to work but i will seemingly spend my friday afternoon/evening cleaning..yes thats what i want to do..im so excited i can barely contain myself gee what was i thinking coming home and hoping to do something i wanted to do..


but yesterday had a semi texting chat with a friend and she mentioned that she wanted to go to india..i of course said sure i want to go ..and then she said she wanted to go and work for a while and i was like holy cow..live there?! i have considered living over seas but india was not my choice for places to go...now i think about it and wonder you know..if the option came up seriously would i take it? would i put everything on hold to travel and live and work over seas for a few months? i dont know..i want to say yes but the whole idea scares me..i look at my life and wonder what do i have to lose..maybe it will be an exprience ill never get again..and going with yvonne would be a heck of a lot of fun..for my degree it makes sense that i would consider it you know..go work in an orphange over seas..so help out in a third world country..give up the joys of driving and interenet and tv..but what would i learn there? would it be worth it? i just dont know..i cant decide at all right now and no its not happening like tomorrow..there is still all summer to look at it from every possible way...but i have to decide you know..i have to figure it out..because im torn between wanting to go and being able to go over being deathly afraid of going to country like india..not that its bad or anything but thats like jumping out of my comfort zone with no looking back and no way of returning...yet a part of me knows if i could go i would really like it..i would learn a lot..but maybe ill have to poke that part of me with a stick until it stops trying to influence me

not much to say

its just that i cant find the words to really say whats on my mind..to many thoughts are going all over the place ever sense therapy on tuesday..and hence ive been not really losing time but just having a time of remembering what im doing or what day it is..which jjust leads to more stress because then i think ive missed an appt or something and its like i can look right at the calendar and still not clue in on what it is im looking for or what day it is..its a pain in the butt...and then i havent been wanting to do anything at all.not sure if its just being sad or depressed still but its not getting any better..and my job is good for zoning out when i want it to be..

im still unable to figure out what i think of showing my scars to the T..im not even sure what i was thinking when i did it..it was just do it..i almost backed out..i almost let all the time run out for the session..and at the last possible minute i just asked..and then i had to show them because i asked..but because of the time she didnt really give much of a response and im not sure i could have handled a response anyway..she did let me know that we would be talking about it next week..and im gonna go out on a limb here and say that she wont be forgetting that little comment..im sure she wrote it down ..in the session talking about other stuff she does bring up things ive said and i swear it is so surprising that she remembers the little stuff i tell her when i cant even remember everything i tell her..

but on a side note (and nope i didnt have anything to say ) made it to the library this week..and got some new books...for some reason i have developed a habit of starting series and then not being able to find the second book lol..but started reading the ellen hopkins books and i swear i could not put the book down yesterday...i finished the entire 400 some pages in about gour and a half hours..while at work no less!!! but the book was called crank..and i had seen it in the bookstore a while ago and glance through it and thought the set up of the book was really stupid and so i didnt give it a second thought..went to the library a few weeks ago and got her other book called burned on a whim and again couldnt put it down once i had started it! so then of course i just had to read crank..and its about meth and how it worked its way into this girls life and what happened and everything and i really do hate to admit it made me slighty curious to know what a serious high feeling is..but then i remember the horror of watching requiem for a dream and was able to nix that thought in the bud before it got out of hand..but seriously it was a good very good book..both of them were! im glad it was in the library so i could get it lol..im considering buying both of those books because well yea they were good but they were written in a way that i could relate too..you know..questioning your life..your beliefs..going against what you were brought up to believe..the appeal of addictions and how hard they are to give up..because no im not into drugs and never have been but i do consider cutting and purging to be addictions none the less...the books made sense..the insight was really really good and made me think you know..i like books like that!

should i be?

should i be happy or sad or proud that i showed my doc one of my arms..well the worst one..and she asked about some of the other scars but i didnt show anymore..i waited until the last possible minute of the session before i got up enough nerve to even bring it back up again..and she looked and i almost thought she was going to try to touch them but she didnt..she told me we would talk about it more..and its one of those we will talk about it mores that i know she wont be forgetting about..and i was ok while she looked and was ok when she asked about the other ones..and even managed an ok when she said we would talk about it..but as soon as i left it was like i realized what i had done..and i dont regret it but im really really scared..anxious..like suddenly some line has been crossed and i may pretend but its not going away again..and im not sure what i think about it..i keep thinking some rule has been broken but i dont know what the rule was or even where it came from..but thats all i keep getting im my head..some part of me is really not pleased at all with what ive done..i dont know how to take it or deal with it...im anxious yes but i dont want to cut..go figure..just struggling to understand it..

stupid really stupid

really anxious right now..on edge..read something i wthought i would be ok and im not..was ok while reading it but then i wrote a response and it all came back and it is still really upsetting..i mean it was about suicide and friends and what not..and i thhought i had gotten over when a friend tried and i was supposed to be helping and she promised she was ok..and that she would call or get in touch if she needed me and she ends up in the hospital for trying and its really upsetting..because i did everything i was supposed to do and it wasnt enough..and it makes me feel horrible and then even worse becasuse im still so mad at her for doing it..she wasnt supposed to do it.she was supposed to be ok..and i failed and i should have tried harder or been more heelpful or listened better or something..god i should have known she would try anyway..it didnt work..but still..it sucks..and i suck and i just i dont know

more school issues

lately all my thoughts are on school and going back or not going back..and i know im using it for an escape but maybe i need one...because then i could look at it and say well that gives me another 2 years to work on stuff before going back into the real world ..or i could just keep struggling now and not do grad school and move or something...allow me to be a bit vain and say i really want the colorful color thingy though lol..that only grad students get when they graduate lol..i saw them for the few who graduated with my class and they really were rather cool to look at..prolly would never use them again but its enough to know i wanted it..when i talk about it you know its always like ok ive done school..things are supposed to get easier now..annnnnnnnnd well that didnt really happen as quickly as i would have liked..i wish i could decide or do something because im running out of time if i have to start applying and what not..or maybe i should apple and just see if i get in and then decide from there...anyone wnat to write my reflections essay ? i dont care for anymore reflection about anything! and now i remember why i took the job i have now lol..duh me for forgetting..be cause if i do end up in school then it is easier to leave the job i have now because of how it is set up..and i mention every so often that im considering grad school with them but its not defenite or anything. i mean i didnt get my degree for the money..i knew going into social work my pay checks wouldnt be stellar but i want to manage and be able to take care of myself and all that good stuff..the problem comes in with everything else..rent..bills..insurance..car payments ..ugh..suddenly my check isnt that impressive anymore you know..and my insurance is killer..because im still under the 3 year mark for having my license so im still having to pay just about 300 a month for that alone and then my loans for school are going to kick back in soon and its like good grief can i get a break somewhere..and i hate knowing that being at home has its benefits..but it does no matter how much i dont like it or want to be here..

but that aside...im not happy either..ok maybe being home has a big part to do with that but i dont think i was happy at my other job either..i liked my job..i liked the kids i worked with sometimes..i had fun and my coworker made sure i was ok and safe and heard..but it was still a job..i wasnt devoted to it.when i wasnt working i wasnt concerned with it at all...and my job now..i like my cls..i like some of the families i have..but when im not working i dont think about it..not that i want to bring my job home or anything and it really is fairly low stress..but its also not a challenge at all...i mean some days i spend 3 hours at work coloring or 3 hours watching tv because of the disablities my cls have and that they cant do a lot of things and well not talking plays in too..but its like i have it so easy..and it makes me feel useless some days....but then i wonder you know if i had taken a higher stress job would i like it anymore? or would i even be able to handle it..

...

my mom asked me last week or maybe the week before if i planned to move out of the state..and of course i told her yes because im not a fan of coastal living at all..its too hot and i have to many scars but whatever..ive never liked it here and plan on moving as soon as i can...she then asked where i would go and i have no idea..some random middle state where no one will find me..but i dont know..im not a big city person..i cant handle it and i know this already..and from recent trips i know i dont like cali so that one is out..but for the most part i really dont know where i would go...and then came the question about if i got a job offer ..a good one..benefits included..would i take it..even if i had to move to do it..and i looked at her like she was crazy..and of course i can up with a million and one excuses for why i couldnt just up and move...and ive spent so much time thinking about it ..and now im not sure...right now today would i take the job .no..and not just because i love therapy so much ..because she doesnt even know im in therapy..but its just i cant leave me job riight now..if i stay till the end of the year then i qualify as a qp..and i really think i could become a case manager if i stayed where i am now..and that would be a raise and other things..but also because i would feel so guilty about just leaving my cls and everything..and sometimes i really hate my loyalty streak..i hate how guilty little things can make me feel...like with my other job..yea i was being treated like crap but i would not leave in the middle of the semester and just leave my group or my coworker...i had to stay to see them through the program...i had to make sure they had everything they needed because the managers werent doing what they needed to do..and if i hadnt stayed then i would have missed one of the best trips i ever took and it was with my group and my coworker who i grew to regard as one of my really good friends..even though he was 15 year older than me..but thats a whole nother story..but i mean all of it just makes me wonder if i would find a better job looking out of state..picking an area and looking for a job there? and then i question going back to school..do i want to spend another couple years in grad school? do i want another degree? i dont know what i want...maybe i never did know..not really..its just always been this idea that im supposed to go to school..im supposed to graduate and have a good job and be a good person..and its like what if i dont want that? will the world end? will i be disgraced? will i be a dissapointment? im the first one in my family (immediate family) to graduate from college..my younger sister an brother are still in college but ive already graduated...i fufilled my obligation for higher education and it took a hell of a lot of work and pushing and therapy to even make it out of college..but i did and have a dipolma and all that good stuff..but there are plenty of ppl who didnt go to college who are making it just fine...i dont know what i want to be anymore..and part of me is still really really excited about the play therapy thing..becasue i know if nothing else i want to keep working with kids..but i think about what i wanted right out of college and im not doing that..because i wanted ..really wanted to work with hiv+ kids..that area intrigues me a lot and there really isnt enough ppl in that area..and i still want to do that..i wonder if that would mean traveling and living over seas for a while..and if i want to do that..or even moving to one of the bigger cities where there is more openness about hiv and aids and all of that...but i dont know..i really dont and i feel stupid for not being able to decide or know...im watching my sister get ready to be married in a couple months and i guess part of me is really jealous..she gets to move out..get her own place again..be back on her own..doing whatever..and im still stuck here for a bit longer..and its depressing..im happy for her and im glad she is getting out...but..i dont know..i look at her life and what she is doing or going to do and i cant compare it to mine..because we are so different..but i guess i kinda want some of the things she has .. maybe that makes me shallow or something..maybe it just makes me feel shallow..i cant decide...all of it really does just confuse me..and maybe a big huge part of it is that im so used to being told what i have to do and what i need to do..and so getting the option to choose is once again throwing me for a loop and im just feeling incredibly lost and alone..

blah

im still incredibly tired..guessing ive worn myself out but doing what i dont really know...its a rainy chily day here to be a holiday weekend and mommy is forcing family time on us...i want to laugh at the crazyness of it all..i mean really..we arent kids..we will last a few hours and then everyone will drift off to do there own thing..all the cops out and about are making me so very nervous..just in half an hour i saw like 5 cop cars..3 had pulled ppl over.it makes me nervous big time..and im being really careful with not speeding today!

...

i keep thinking about my journal and writing and getting things out of my head and i cant think of anything to write..

this week has been so long...on tuesday i thought it was wed..on wed i kept thinking it was friday and it was a bit depressing to realize i still had to last the entire rest of the week..this week has been soooooooooooooo long and tiring and i dont know..just weird...maybe sleepind less than 4 hours just threw me off for the entire week and not being able to catch up on sleep really just made it so much worse..i dont know..its just been one of those really forgetful weeks..

but today is friday and i cant get any excitment over it what so ever..im tired..im more than tired...im just here..i dont know

theres a lot going on with work and now in addition to one kid moving away im going to change around my other cls and its some long story and there are 6 cls and 3 workers and so we are getting switched around..and its just stressful because it will all happen at once..in a couple weeks and its making me nervous..i thought i would stay with the ones i have now but things change and if the ones in change want to move me then im guessing ill be moved and my cls changed and ill have to start over with new kids..i hate starting over..it took forever to get used to the ones i have now..but i guess more than anything i just dont want to change what im used too..it makes me nervous and on edge

geez i feel slow today..like im walking through cement trying to do anything..i dont want to do anything

upset ..i dont know

i finally caught up with one of my supervisiors and had a chat about one of my cls..and it really pisses me off when someone has a problem with something ive done or havent done and they dont freaking just tell me..hello the cl doesnt talk..i cant really ask him what he wants to do for the most part..and when i do ask his guardian sometimes she gives me a straight answer and sometimes she doesnt and she never really says what she really wants me to do..ugh i cant do what im not asked to do..i know what i was told when i started..and then things can change as you get to know the family and everything but if im not being told or asked what to do to help the cl then im under the impression that what im doing is right and ok..and its not that ive done anything wrong ..its just that the guardian wants things done differently and she could have just asked me..and its a pain and it does hurt my feelings in a way..because its not even a big deal to take him out more..its just i didnt know she wanted me too..but it does bother me that she said the services havent been consistent enough..i rarely take a day off without good reason...some for training..and some for the occasional vacation..even if im sick i go to work..becasue i dont get sick days..if i dont work then im not getting paid at all..unless its a training thing..but i would say ive been as consistent as i can be..and still it doesnt seem to be enough..i hate that..i do everything im asked to do and then some and its still not enough..sometimes i really have no idea what it is ppl want from me..

in therapy yesterday...we talked quite a bit about cutting and addictions (yes i actually started talking first..big shock i know)..and i asked why she hadnt asked to see the scars..because trust is a big deal and i often wonder if ppl look at me and consider me a liar about things you know..i dont look like i would do something like cutting and i always think ppl consider me too nice..too quiet to ever do such a thing as scar my body and on purpose..they wouldnt know how to take it..but anyway..she asked if i would have shown her if she had asked..and of course i said no...and that was the end of it for the most part..but then i thought about it a bit more later on in the middle of work no less and it was like suddenly i wanted her to see them.some of them anyway..i wanted her to make it real..make it so that i couldnt ignore them or pretend they werent there...i cant accept that i do it ..i cant expect anyone else to accept it..but with the T at least she can see and acknowledge them in ways i cant right now..at least there would be someone to hold me accountable in some way..because i cant seem to get that anywhere else in my life...

day by day

so im clamer once again..still really annoyed with everything..wondering about a lot of different things..a lot of them having to do with eating or not eating..im great with counting cals when i want too..and when i want to put forth the effort into it..given it does border a bit on being very questionable..but its like technically im not doing anything wrong and if im still eating its not a big deal..so ill just have to see what i do becuase i dont really know..and im not to sure im big on caring right now..pulled out my older food journal..and its a pretty interesting read if nothing else..so i dont know..not really making much sense i guess..

but back towork ...another busy day..another busy week..millions of things to do and get done..and as usual im behind in my paperwork..stupid and i do so know better and i just cant seem to get myself to do it before its due..but ok guess im done

excerpt from my other blog

"its like being asked to wake up the part of myself that i never wanted to see again..the part of myself that lives to please without question..to do and do and do until there is nothing left..to be exactly who is it im expected to be regardless of the consequences..she comes and goes every so often but never for long because i obviously kid myself into thinking that im ok and i dont need to starve or purge..stupid stupid me for believing that..because in this world no one gives a bloody care how you reach your goal as long as you get it..the world be damned if it kills you in the process..its like just watching a part of you die to please everyone else..and there is nothing else..only your goal..only getting there..and then..then i guess the world will see and you cant be ignored anymore.. what then?"

might as well give up now and save myself the trouble..

...

if i ever had to make a speech about something concerning mommy it would go kinda like this

thank you mommy because without you i might have actually thought i was worth something


life is grand
shoot me now



soo i finally got around to mentioning kinda maybe sorta that i was eating meat again to mommy..and she decided today that i needed to be reminded of what i could and couldnt have food wise..how does that work exactly? what other guilt ridden things will i come up with doing...

and dusti doing what she likes most

disneyworld..cute pics

hmm

started writing again...

Have You ?

Have You?

have you ever just suddenly wanted something so so badly that you would do anything and everything to have it?

have you ever just wanted to be like everyone else? to be seen as being like everyone else?

have you ever just wanted to not be there, to run so very far away that everyone forgets your existence?

have you ever wondered why it is you are unable to know who you are? what you want? what you need?

have you ever wondered what was the precise moment your voice was taken? the moment you became the spot on the wall? unnoticed? unheard?

have you ever just wondered why it is you had to turn out this way? why you have to be so different? so alone?

have you ever just wondered why?

not getting any better

i really do feel stupid for always seeming like i need help to cope with anything..i dont need help..i dont want it..but i write this anyway because i have nothing else to do that wouldnt hurt in some way..i dont know how to just let feelings be feelings..i cant handle having them or feeling them or dealing with them..i just want them to go away and they dont..they stay and bother me and pick at me until all i do is think about everything i dont want to think about..everything i would rather ignore and then i end up doing someething like cutting or something..and i want to be a good person and say i want to stop all that stuff ..but that would be just a flat out lie on so many levels..i hate admitting i like it to a certain point..it gives me what a iwant..instant relief from everything..anything..i can make things go away and i know when it has..is that weird..knowing the exact momment when you find the cut that is what you needed..its not the first one though..never is a few after that maybe..and it always makes me upset when i cant get the one i want..when the relief doesnt come..and yea guess i sound really crazy..and i didnt even want to really write about cutting anyway..because i was going to be a pain and ask my doc if scratching counted as counting and if i was supposed to be using my list of distractions to stop that..but that was kinda instant yesterday..hmm unexpected and had i been able to get ahold of something sharper i would have cut..but i couldnt so i scratched and it didnt really help but it calmed me enough for me to go to work and focus and not be all jittery..

ok but back to what i was going to write about...

i have finally decided that i am getting depressed again..the step beyond just being sad about everything..its more than that..i amuse myself with thinking of suicide..not doing it or ways or anything but just suicide in general..i dont want to be at home..i dont want to be at work..i dont want to be around anyone atall really..mommys car isnt working this week and i so hope tis fixed soon because having her home all the time is making me anxious..i never know when she will decide i need to be yelled at for something and the waiting is just as bad as the actual yelling..i dont like having to change my schedule to accomadate her and my sister to take them to work and places..its like it doesnt matter that i have to work or do other stuff..its only important that i do her stuff and her errands..thats all..and i cant say no..its one of those i know better than to refuse weeks..and constantly being quizzed on everything is putting me on edge..if i get a text when tell me please why i have to tell her who its from and what it s about? why does it matter..its not hers? but she asks and asks and asks until i tell her..if im online and she is in the room she wants to know what im doing or who im talking too..its not fair its stupid..im stupid..everything is stuck in my head and i cant get it out..i dont know what im doing..i feel like crying but i cant..and yesterday night i found out for sure that my cl i work with in the evenings will be moving..i have maybe 3 weeks left with him..and ive worked with him since feb..every week m - f for the most part..i dont want him to leave..i dont know how to say goodbye..ill never see him again or his family..im happy his dad found someone and they get to move to be with her and that she does well wworking with and handling my cl but its making me so so sad..its not like i can tell the dad that i dont want them to move.that they have to stay because i want them too..thats not fair at all and i would never ever say it but that doesnt stop me from thinking it.. i dont know what im supposed to do..yea ill most likely get someone new but i dont want anyone new .i want my same cls from now until whenever..i dont want them to leave or move or out grow the program for the younger kids..i dont like changes

blah week

having a really hard week..so much is on my mind and i cant get rid of any of it ..and the more i try to work it all out the more lost it seems i am..and then mommys car isnt working and so i get to add taking her places into my schedule..it helps that henry is home but he also gets to do what he likes and has other plans and his schedule cant be messed with like mine..and im freaking working! and he is playing around visiting friends...yea thats really really fair..and so im trying to keep my temper in check but i dont like having to wake up and take everyone where they need to go at 7 in the morning and then have to work until almost 9 at night .and being unable to go back home or do anything else because it would just waste gas and gas is to expensive and uh..nope really in a good mood this week..falling behind on everything because im so tired when i get home that all i want to do is go to bed just to wake up and have to do it all over again the next day..no not thrilled at all

..sigh

ive pretended so so much that everything is ok and nothing is wrong that i dont know whats true and whats not anymore..i dont know whats real..im so used to just pushing everything away and now im being asked all these questions and stuff and i dont know what i want to believe or what i should believe..i want to go back to where everything was just there and i could ignore it and make it all go away..and i cant now and its all scary and makes me want to question everything and its so hard..

so so confused

really off day...

therapy today..therapy that left me wondering about a heck of a lot of stuff..we talked about quite a few different things but i hit shutdown/distraction mode when she started talking and asking me about you know how my past has changed me or influenced me or if i thought it had..and everything in me just yelled aand screamed for me to say yes and get it over with..i thought yes..i wanted to tell her that i thought it had effected me and i just couldnt..i couldnt actually agree and say yes..there is something very very bad about doing that..i cant do that..its wrong its bad..on some level its placing blame somewhere..its admitting that something is wrong..something was wrong..things would just change if i said yes..doesnt matter if i think it or not..because saying it is different..saying it would make it all true and i dont want that..im sure she could guess that i would say yes but i dont think she can go anywhere with it until i actually voice that yes..and i dont know if i can..i dont know what will happen..i dont know what will change but i just think or know or completely believe that something will have to change if i said that..and that is a big time scary thing.i dont know if i can do that :(

and i went today and her office was changed around and it really unsettled me..i dont know what it was about how it looked today but i wasnt ok with it at all..something about it really truly bothered me and i told her so..and when i needed to buy time to think of answers for questions i brought up random issues with her office and what not lol..and she called me on some of it but still she answered my questions all the same..and then made me go back and answer the other questions anyway..but i dont know why it was so hard today in her office..i really really i dont know..it was weird

and we talked about eye contact and it was just one of those questions that i wasnt expecting at all..and until she mentioned it i really hadnt realized i didnt have a problem with eye contact when im with kids..but with adults and stuff it is a big big promblem and i dont know why..i dont know whats behind it..like yea it makes me uncomfortable and i dont like it which ive already told her anyway but its like theres a part of it that im missing and i cant figure it out..i dont know what im looking for but i dont know what it is..and its probably the most obvious thing ever and i just dont see it..its annoying the crap out of me and making me really anxious because i want to know and i should know and i dont..i cant figure it out at all..