just writing

therapy today and it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be..we talked more about the scars and what it meant for me to show her..and just some of the triggers and things..and i think one of these days ill be able to talk you know..may take a heck of a lot more work but i know every time i go i talk a little bit more..and i was really worried about her reaction and now i know she handled it ok..but the more i talk about it the more ill have to figure it all out..and eventually get around to telling her almost everything..its nice to have someone to listen again..

that aside..i have homework.. as if i dont think about stuff tons..but this one is umm write a letter to myself (and actually take it to her this time) about how if i was my own parent what would i say to myself about the cutting..and i guess im writing it here to so i dont forget..but this will be the first time i actually give her something ive written and im sure ill tell her to keep it too..but i guess she had to find out at some point that i dont have a problem at all writing..guess i would have mentioned it at some point..but better get going..might actually put some effort into them

random things

i really really hate when things just kinda come up and im not expecting them..more so when it has to do with a butt load of money that i dont really have..soooo i had kinda forgotten that i got a citation thingy..and im still not really sure what the difference is in a citation and a ticket..but oh well..and i suddenly realized today when i was looking at the calendar that i was running out of time to pay it before i was in a heck of a lot more trouble over something as stupid as a registration sticker..yea it really was my fault so i see no point in taking it to court or anything..so i have to pay it but i really wasnt thinking i would have to pay freaking over a $100 for it..when i actually got around to calling the court and asking i found out its $145 to be exact..now the problem with that is ..i dont have an extra couple hundred laying around collecting dust somewhere..yea it would be awfully nice if i did though...so one way or another ill have to pay it and in to process i get to watch my little tiny savings account go back down to nothing..but oh well..trying hard not to stress about it..because its one of those things that i have to do and cant put off at all..ok well not past next monday anyway..and im really considering just driving to greenville on monday and taking care of it instead of mailing it..but havent decided yet..have to wait and see what ill be getting paid this week..because i really have no idea what my paychecks are... i have an idea and thats about all..

and it sucks even more than this is my last week with one of my cls and possibly moving cls and losing the other one to new ones and its hard and it is a big mess..so i will have to figure it all out...im really sad that im losing my evening kid..ill miss him alot..

so yesterday was a pain..for the most parrt...i really have forgotten what it means to stay home from fri to sunday with no break or getting away..its been so long since ive had to do it that it really was more depressing than usual..i can not have mommy in my car and drive..it drives me insane..and she comments on my driving and reminds when to slow down or watch out or she grabs the dashboard when im slowing down or something like shes s cared..and it makes me want to scream..i havent even h ad my license for a full two years yet..it feels like ive had it forever but i actually counted it up some day last week and it will be two years in aug...and i would say i drive ok but mommy would swear im the worst driver ever..and then doesnt sy a word abobut her driving..and just being in the car while mommy is driving and talking on the phone at the same time is enough to make me want to walk for the rest of my life..she doesnt pay attention at all and i do wonder how she hasnt been in an accident yet..but just constantly telling me what to do or what to wear or something..we went to a dance recital yesterday and stayed all day and as soon as i came downstairs she had something to say about my shoes and advised me to go and change them..and i wouldnt because i wanted to wear sneakers not flip flops ..but it was a big deal to her..i get sick of being called mean and selfish..sometimes i find it hard to believe that i would be the meanest person ever.sometimes i dont .. its just upsetting i guess..but the recital was long and not that good at all..ive danced for a long time and what i saw yesterday was rather disappointing technique wise for the most part..but watching i did realize again that i missed it just a bit..it was cool seeing some of the ppl we had danced with at the old studio who had now grown up..but some of the dances were just a bit painful to watch!! but the little kids were cute as always..

and now its back to work and the usual work week most likely..training thingy tomorrow..and then just the usual stuff

so

so today i wake up and i feel ok..havent had that in a while..i want to go somewhere but i cant for the most part because gas is killing me yet again and i swear those stupid gas prices keep going up..ugh..so unfair..but im just glad i feel ok today..but im guessing if im hanging out at home maybe ill work on some more art stuff..i read all day yesterday..but i didnt feel good..but i tried to stay out of mommys way because she did her you arent good enough speech more than once yesterday and it just made me mad..didnt help that i just went and started thinking i suck and everything..it didnt last long but i still thought it...i got myself sidetracked doing other stuff after i wrote for a while..played video games and read..and that was my day...fairly boring and after a while i was really bored..but today will be better i think..

hmm have been thinking about the trip overseas a lot and i think ive settled on doing grad school first before deciding to go over seas..that makes the most sense to me and i know im not going to be able to get over $3000 in the next year..not with my pay checks lol..not gonna happen! but still when i can i will try to save a little bit just in case...but yea i think grad school first and then doing other stuff because i do want to be finished with school completely..so i will see..and even still i think it will be 3 or so years ...

alright im off to find something to do with myself today..

i guess i do remember...some

i just finished a book on ed's...when i checked it out i guess i thought it ws something else but boy was i in for a surprise once i actually took the time to read the insert thingy...it was a good book but it was depressing too..hence my mood has taken a bombdive into nothingness..



and nevermind..cant put that here...

i dont consider myself bulimic at all..it comes and goes..i can stop whenever i want..but lately..as in well this week..i cant seem to eat without wondering if im going to b/p...its prolly not a normal response to say great ill eat and throw up my sister just came to tell me that mommy brought home dinner..i asked what it was and just thought great thats easy to purge.. whats wrong with me

tgif

i have never been so happy to see a friday..im sick of work..im sick of everything right now..and maybe im just overly tired and wornout..maybe im just stressing over bills and money and lack there of.. i dont know..the first friday in forever that i actually came home after work..no babysitting no anything..and do you know what im told to do? make sure i clean the house..so i wont have to do it tomorrow..yes i dont have to work but i will seemingly spend my friday afternoon/evening cleaning..yes thats what i want to do..im so excited i can barely contain myself gee what was i thinking coming home and hoping to do something i wanted to do..


but yesterday had a semi texting chat with a friend and she mentioned that she wanted to go to india..i of course said sure i want to go ..and then she said she wanted to go and work for a while and i was like holy cow..live there?! i have considered living over seas but india was not my choice for places to go...now i think about it and wonder you know..if the option came up seriously would i take it? would i put everything on hold to travel and live and work over seas for a few months? i dont know..i want to say yes but the whole idea scares me..i look at my life and wonder what do i have to lose..maybe it will be an exprience ill never get again..and going with yvonne would be a heck of a lot of fun..for my degree it makes sense that i would consider it you know..go work in an orphange over seas..so help out in a third world country..give up the joys of driving and interenet and tv..but what would i learn there? would it be worth it? i just dont know..i cant decide at all right now and no its not happening like tomorrow..there is still all summer to look at it from every possible way...but i have to decide you know..i have to figure it out..because im torn between wanting to go and being able to go over being deathly afraid of going to country like india..not that its bad or anything but thats like jumping out of my comfort zone with no looking back and no way of returning...yet a part of me knows if i could go i would really like it..i would learn a lot..but maybe ill have to poke that part of me with a stick until it stops trying to influence me

not much to say

its just that i cant find the words to really say whats on my mind..to many thoughts are going all over the place ever sense therapy on tuesday..and hence ive been not really losing time but just having a time of remembering what im doing or what day it is..which jjust leads to more stress because then i think ive missed an appt or something and its like i can look right at the calendar and still not clue in on what it is im looking for or what day it is..its a pain in the butt...and then i havent been wanting to do anything at all.not sure if its just being sad or depressed still but its not getting any better..and my job is good for zoning out when i want it to be..

im still unable to figure out what i think of showing my scars to the T..im not even sure what i was thinking when i did it..it was just do it..i almost backed out..i almost let all the time run out for the session..and at the last possible minute i just asked..and then i had to show them because i asked..but because of the time she didnt really give much of a response and im not sure i could have handled a response anyway..she did let me know that we would be talking about it next week..and im gonna go out on a limb here and say that she wont be forgetting that little comment..im sure she wrote it down ..in the session talking about other stuff she does bring up things ive said and i swear it is so surprising that she remembers the little stuff i tell her when i cant even remember everything i tell her..

but on a side note (and nope i didnt have anything to say ) made it to the library this week..and got some new books...for some reason i have developed a habit of starting series and then not being able to find the second book lol..but started reading the ellen hopkins books and i swear i could not put the book down yesterday...i finished the entire 400 some pages in about gour and a half hours..while at work no less!!! but the book was called crank..and i had seen it in the bookstore a while ago and glance through it and thought the set up of the book was really stupid and so i didnt give it a second thought..went to the library a few weeks ago and got her other book called burned on a whim and again couldnt put it down once i had started it! so then of course i just had to read crank..and its about meth and how it worked its way into this girls life and what happened and everything and i really do hate to admit it made me slighty curious to know what a serious high feeling is..but then i remember the horror of watching requiem for a dream and was able to nix that thought in the bud before it got out of hand..but seriously it was a good very good book..both of them were! im glad it was in the library so i could get it lol..im considering buying both of those books because well yea they were good but they were written in a way that i could relate too..you know..questioning your life..your beliefs..going against what you were brought up to believe..the appeal of addictions and how hard they are to give up..because no im not into drugs and never have been but i do consider cutting and purging to be addictions none the less...the books made sense..the insight was really really good and made me think you know..i like books like that!

should i be?

should i be happy or sad or proud that i showed my doc one of my arms..well the worst one..and she asked about some of the other scars but i didnt show anymore..i waited until the last possible minute of the session before i got up enough nerve to even bring it back up again..and she looked and i almost thought she was going to try to touch them but she didnt..she told me we would talk about it more..and its one of those we will talk about it mores that i know she wont be forgetting about..and i was ok while she looked and was ok when she asked about the other ones..and even managed an ok when she said we would talk about it..but as soon as i left it was like i realized what i had done..and i dont regret it but im really really scared..anxious..like suddenly some line has been crossed and i may pretend but its not going away again..and im not sure what i think about it..i keep thinking some rule has been broken but i dont know what the rule was or even where it came from..but thats all i keep getting im my head..some part of me is really not pleased at all with what ive done..i dont know how to take it or deal with it...im anxious yes but i dont want to cut..go figure..just struggling to understand it..

stupid really stupid

really anxious right now..on edge..read something i wthought i would be ok and im not..was ok while reading it but then i wrote a response and it all came back and it is still really upsetting..i mean it was about suicide and friends and what not..and i thhought i had gotten over when a friend tried and i was supposed to be helping and she promised she was ok..and that she would call or get in touch if she needed me and she ends up in the hospital for trying and its really upsetting..because i did everything i was supposed to do and it wasnt enough..and it makes me feel horrible and then even worse becasuse im still so mad at her for doing it..she wasnt supposed to do it.she was supposed to be ok..and i failed and i should have tried harder or been more heelpful or listened better or something..god i should have known she would try anyway..it didnt work..but still..it sucks..and i suck and i just i dont know

more school issues

lately all my thoughts are on school and going back or not going back..and i know im using it for an escape but maybe i need one...because then i could look at it and say well that gives me another 2 years to work on stuff before going back into the real world ..or i could just keep struggling now and not do grad school and move or something...allow me to be a bit vain and say i really want the colorful color thingy though lol..that only grad students get when they graduate lol..i saw them for the few who graduated with my class and they really were rather cool to look at..prolly would never use them again but its enough to know i wanted it..when i talk about it you know its always like ok ive done school..things are supposed to get easier now..annnnnnnnnd well that didnt really happen as quickly as i would have liked..i wish i could decide or do something because im running out of time if i have to start applying and what not..or maybe i should apple and just see if i get in and then decide from there...anyone wnat to write my reflections essay ? i dont care for anymore reflection about anything! and now i remember why i took the job i have now lol..duh me for forgetting..be cause if i do end up in school then it is easier to leave the job i have now because of how it is set up..and i mention every so often that im considering grad school with them but its not defenite or anything. i mean i didnt get my degree for the money..i knew going into social work my pay checks wouldnt be stellar but i want to manage and be able to take care of myself and all that good stuff..the problem comes in with everything else..rent..bills..insurance..car payments ..ugh..suddenly my check isnt that impressive anymore you know..and my insurance is killer..because im still under the 3 year mark for having my license so im still having to pay just about 300 a month for that alone and then my loans for school are going to kick back in soon and its like good grief can i get a break somewhere..and i hate knowing that being at home has its benefits..but it does no matter how much i dont like it or want to be here..

but that aside...im not happy either..ok maybe being home has a big part to do with that but i dont think i was happy at my other job either..i liked my job..i liked the kids i worked with sometimes..i had fun and my coworker made sure i was ok and safe and heard..but it was still a job..i wasnt devoted to it.when i wasnt working i wasnt concerned with it at all...and my job now..i like my cls..i like some of the families i have..but when im not working i dont think about it..not that i want to bring my job home or anything and it really is fairly low stress..but its also not a challenge at all...i mean some days i spend 3 hours at work coloring or 3 hours watching tv because of the disablities my cls have and that they cant do a lot of things and well not talking plays in too..but its like i have it so easy..and it makes me feel useless some days....but then i wonder you know if i had taken a higher stress job would i like it anymore? or would i even be able to handle it..

...

my mom asked me last week or maybe the week before if i planned to move out of the state..and of course i told her yes because im not a fan of coastal living at all..its too hot and i have to many scars but whatever..ive never liked it here and plan on moving as soon as i can...she then asked where i would go and i have no idea..some random middle state where no one will find me..but i dont know..im not a big city person..i cant handle it and i know this already..and from recent trips i know i dont like cali so that one is out..but for the most part i really dont know where i would go...and then came the question about if i got a job offer ..a good one..benefits included..would i take it..even if i had to move to do it..and i looked at her like she was crazy..and of course i can up with a million and one excuses for why i couldnt just up and move...and ive spent so much time thinking about it ..and now im not sure...right now today would i take the job .no..and not just because i love therapy so much ..because she doesnt even know im in therapy..but its just i cant leave me job riight now..if i stay till the end of the year then i qualify as a qp..and i really think i could become a case manager if i stayed where i am now..and that would be a raise and other things..but also because i would feel so guilty about just leaving my cls and everything..and sometimes i really hate my loyalty streak..i hate how guilty little things can make me feel...like with my other job..yea i was being treated like crap but i would not leave in the middle of the semester and just leave my group or my coworker...i had to stay to see them through the program...i had to make sure they had everything they needed because the managers werent doing what they needed to do..and if i hadnt stayed then i would have missed one of the best trips i ever took and it was with my group and my coworker who i grew to regard as one of my really good friends..even though he was 15 year older than me..but thats a whole nother story..but i mean all of it just makes me wonder if i would find a better job looking out of state..picking an area and looking for a job there? and then i question going back to school..do i want to spend another couple years in grad school? do i want another degree? i dont know what i want...maybe i never did know..not really..its just always been this idea that im supposed to go to school..im supposed to graduate and have a good job and be a good person..and its like what if i dont want that? will the world end? will i be disgraced? will i be a dissapointment? im the first one in my family (immediate family) to graduate from college..my younger sister an brother are still in college but ive already graduated...i fufilled my obligation for higher education and it took a hell of a lot of work and pushing and therapy to even make it out of college..but i did and have a dipolma and all that good stuff..but there are plenty of ppl who didnt go to college who are making it just fine...i dont know what i want to be anymore..and part of me is still really really excited about the play therapy thing..becasue i know if nothing else i want to keep working with kids..but i think about what i wanted right out of college and im not doing that..because i wanted ..really wanted to work with hiv+ kids..that area intrigues me a lot and there really isnt enough ppl in that area..and i still want to do that..i wonder if that would mean traveling and living over seas for a while..and if i want to do that..or even moving to one of the bigger cities where there is more openness about hiv and aids and all of that...but i dont know..i really dont and i feel stupid for not being able to decide or know...im watching my sister get ready to be married in a couple months and i guess part of me is really jealous..she gets to move out..get her own place again..be back on her own..doing whatever..and im still stuck here for a bit longer..and its depressing..im happy for her and im glad she is getting out...but..i dont know..i look at her life and what she is doing or going to do and i cant compare it to mine..because we are so different..but i guess i kinda want some of the things she has .. maybe that makes me shallow or something..maybe it just makes me feel shallow..i cant decide...all of it really does just confuse me..and maybe a big huge part of it is that im so used to being told what i have to do and what i need to do..and so getting the option to choose is once again throwing me for a loop and im just feeling incredibly lost and alone..

blah

im still incredibly tired..guessing ive worn myself out but doing what i dont really know...its a rainy chily day here to be a holiday weekend and mommy is forcing family time on us...i want to laugh at the crazyness of it all..i mean really..we arent kids..we will last a few hours and then everyone will drift off to do there own thing..all the cops out and about are making me so very nervous..just in half an hour i saw like 5 cop cars..3 had pulled ppl over.it makes me nervous big time..and im being really careful with not speeding today!

...

i keep thinking about my journal and writing and getting things out of my head and i cant think of anything to write..

this week has been so long...on tuesday i thought it was wed..on wed i kept thinking it was friday and it was a bit depressing to realize i still had to last the entire rest of the week..this week has been soooooooooooooo long and tiring and i dont know..just weird...maybe sleepind less than 4 hours just threw me off for the entire week and not being able to catch up on sleep really just made it so much worse..i dont know..its just been one of those really forgetful weeks..

but today is friday and i cant get any excitment over it what so ever..im tired..im more than tired...im just here..i dont know

theres a lot going on with work and now in addition to one kid moving away im going to change around my other cls and its some long story and there are 6 cls and 3 workers and so we are getting switched around..and its just stressful because it will all happen at once..in a couple weeks and its making me nervous..i thought i would stay with the ones i have now but things change and if the ones in change want to move me then im guessing ill be moved and my cls changed and ill have to start over with new kids..i hate starting over..it took forever to get used to the ones i have now..but i guess more than anything i just dont want to change what im used too..it makes me nervous and on edge

geez i feel slow today..like im walking through cement trying to do anything..i dont want to do anything

upset ..i dont know

i finally caught up with one of my supervisiors and had a chat about one of my cls..and it really pisses me off when someone has a problem with something ive done or havent done and they dont freaking just tell me..hello the cl doesnt talk..i cant really ask him what he wants to do for the most part..and when i do ask his guardian sometimes she gives me a straight answer and sometimes she doesnt and she never really says what she really wants me to do..ugh i cant do what im not asked to do..i know what i was told when i started..and then things can change as you get to know the family and everything but if im not being told or asked what to do to help the cl then im under the impression that what im doing is right and ok..and its not that ive done anything wrong ..its just that the guardian wants things done differently and she could have just asked me..and its a pain and it does hurt my feelings in a way..because its not even a big deal to take him out more..its just i didnt know she wanted me too..but it does bother me that she said the services havent been consistent enough..i rarely take a day off without good reason...some for training..and some for the occasional vacation..even if im sick i go to work..becasue i dont get sick days..if i dont work then im not getting paid at all..unless its a training thing..but i would say ive been as consistent as i can be..and still it doesnt seem to be enough..i hate that..i do everything im asked to do and then some and its still not enough..sometimes i really have no idea what it is ppl want from me..

in therapy yesterday...we talked quite a bit about cutting and addictions (yes i actually started talking first..big shock i know)..and i asked why she hadnt asked to see the scars..because trust is a big deal and i often wonder if ppl look at me and consider me a liar about things you know..i dont look like i would do something like cutting and i always think ppl consider me too nice..too quiet to ever do such a thing as scar my body and on purpose..they wouldnt know how to take it..but anyway..she asked if i would have shown her if she had asked..and of course i said no...and that was the end of it for the most part..but then i thought about it a bit more later on in the middle of work no less and it was like suddenly i wanted her to see them.some of them anyway..i wanted her to make it real..make it so that i couldnt ignore them or pretend they werent there...i cant accept that i do it ..i cant expect anyone else to accept it..but with the T at least she can see and acknowledge them in ways i cant right now..at least there would be someone to hold me accountable in some way..because i cant seem to get that anywhere else in my life...

day by day

so im clamer once again..still really annoyed with everything..wondering about a lot of different things..a lot of them having to do with eating or not eating..im great with counting cals when i want too..and when i want to put forth the effort into it..given it does border a bit on being very questionable..but its like technically im not doing anything wrong and if im still eating its not a big deal..so ill just have to see what i do becuase i dont really know..and im not to sure im big on caring right now..pulled out my older food journal..and its a pretty interesting read if nothing else..so i dont know..not really making much sense i guess..

but back towork ...another busy day..another busy week..millions of things to do and get done..and as usual im behind in my paperwork..stupid and i do so know better and i just cant seem to get myself to do it before its due..but ok guess im done

excerpt from my other blog

"its like being asked to wake up the part of myself that i never wanted to see again..the part of myself that lives to please without question..to do and do and do until there is nothing left..to be exactly who is it im expected to be regardless of the consequences..she comes and goes every so often but never for long because i obviously kid myself into thinking that im ok and i dont need to starve or purge..stupid stupid me for believing that..because in this world no one gives a bloody care how you reach your goal as long as you get it..the world be damned if it kills you in the process..its like just watching a part of you die to please everyone else..and there is nothing else..only your goal..only getting there..and then..then i guess the world will see and you cant be ignored anymore.. what then?"

might as well give up now and save myself the trouble..

...

if i ever had to make a speech about something concerning mommy it would go kinda like this

thank you mommy because without you i might have actually thought i was worth something


life is grand
shoot me now



soo i finally got around to mentioning kinda maybe sorta that i was eating meat again to mommy..and she decided today that i needed to be reminded of what i could and couldnt have food wise..how does that work exactly? what other guilt ridden things will i come up with doing...

and dusti doing what she likes most

disneyworld..cute pics

hmm

started writing again...

Have You ?

Have You?

have you ever just suddenly wanted something so so badly that you would do anything and everything to have it?

have you ever just wanted to be like everyone else? to be seen as being like everyone else?

have you ever just wanted to not be there, to run so very far away that everyone forgets your existence?

have you ever wondered why it is you are unable to know who you are? what you want? what you need?

have you ever wondered what was the precise moment your voice was taken? the moment you became the spot on the wall? unnoticed? unheard?

have you ever just wondered why it is you had to turn out this way? why you have to be so different? so alone?

have you ever just wondered why?

not getting any better

i really do feel stupid for always seeming like i need help to cope with anything..i dont need help..i dont want it..but i write this anyway because i have nothing else to do that wouldnt hurt in some way..i dont know how to just let feelings be feelings..i cant handle having them or feeling them or dealing with them..i just want them to go away and they dont..they stay and bother me and pick at me until all i do is think about everything i dont want to think about..everything i would rather ignore and then i end up doing someething like cutting or something..and i want to be a good person and say i want to stop all that stuff ..but that would be just a flat out lie on so many levels..i hate admitting i like it to a certain point..it gives me what a iwant..instant relief from everything..anything..i can make things go away and i know when it has..is that weird..knowing the exact momment when you find the cut that is what you needed..its not the first one though..never is a few after that maybe..and it always makes me upset when i cant get the one i want..when the relief doesnt come..and yea guess i sound really crazy..and i didnt even want to really write about cutting anyway..because i was going to be a pain and ask my doc if scratching counted as counting and if i was supposed to be using my list of distractions to stop that..but that was kinda instant yesterday..hmm unexpected and had i been able to get ahold of something sharper i would have cut..but i couldnt so i scratched and it didnt really help but it calmed me enough for me to go to work and focus and not be all jittery..

ok but back to what i was going to write about...

i have finally decided that i am getting depressed again..the step beyond just being sad about everything..its more than that..i amuse myself with thinking of suicide..not doing it or ways or anything but just suicide in general..i dont want to be at home..i dont want to be at work..i dont want to be around anyone atall really..mommys car isnt working this week and i so hope tis fixed soon because having her home all the time is making me anxious..i never know when she will decide i need to be yelled at for something and the waiting is just as bad as the actual yelling..i dont like having to change my schedule to accomadate her and my sister to take them to work and places..its like it doesnt matter that i have to work or do other stuff..its only important that i do her stuff and her errands..thats all..and i cant say no..its one of those i know better than to refuse weeks..and constantly being quizzed on everything is putting me on edge..if i get a text when tell me please why i have to tell her who its from and what it s about? why does it matter..its not hers? but she asks and asks and asks until i tell her..if im online and she is in the room she wants to know what im doing or who im talking too..its not fair its stupid..im stupid..everything is stuck in my head and i cant get it out..i dont know what im doing..i feel like crying but i cant..and yesterday night i found out for sure that my cl i work with in the evenings will be moving..i have maybe 3 weeks left with him..and ive worked with him since feb..every week m - f for the most part..i dont want him to leave..i dont know how to say goodbye..ill never see him again or his family..im happy his dad found someone and they get to move to be with her and that she does well wworking with and handling my cl but its making me so so sad..its not like i can tell the dad that i dont want them to move.that they have to stay because i want them too..thats not fair at all and i would never ever say it but that doesnt stop me from thinking it.. i dont know what im supposed to do..yea ill most likely get someone new but i dont want anyone new .i want my same cls from now until whenever..i dont want them to leave or move or out grow the program for the younger kids..i dont like changes

blah week

having a really hard week..so much is on my mind and i cant get rid of any of it ..and the more i try to work it all out the more lost it seems i am..and then mommys car isnt working and so i get to add taking her places into my schedule..it helps that henry is home but he also gets to do what he likes and has other plans and his schedule cant be messed with like mine..and im freaking working! and he is playing around visiting friends...yea thats really really fair..and so im trying to keep my temper in check but i dont like having to wake up and take everyone where they need to go at 7 in the morning and then have to work until almost 9 at night .and being unable to go back home or do anything else because it would just waste gas and gas is to expensive and uh..nope really in a good mood this week..falling behind on everything because im so tired when i get home that all i want to do is go to bed just to wake up and have to do it all over again the next day..no not thrilled at all

..sigh

ive pretended so so much that everything is ok and nothing is wrong that i dont know whats true and whats not anymore..i dont know whats real..im so used to just pushing everything away and now im being asked all these questions and stuff and i dont know what i want to believe or what i should believe..i want to go back to where everything was just there and i could ignore it and make it all go away..and i cant now and its all scary and makes me want to question everything and its so hard..

so so confused

really off day...

therapy today..therapy that left me wondering about a heck of a lot of stuff..we talked about quite a few different things but i hit shutdown/distraction mode when she started talking and asking me about you know how my past has changed me or influenced me or if i thought it had..and everything in me just yelled aand screamed for me to say yes and get it over with..i thought yes..i wanted to tell her that i thought it had effected me and i just couldnt..i couldnt actually agree and say yes..there is something very very bad about doing that..i cant do that..its wrong its bad..on some level its placing blame somewhere..its admitting that something is wrong..something was wrong..things would just change if i said yes..doesnt matter if i think it or not..because saying it is different..saying it would make it all true and i dont want that..im sure she could guess that i would say yes but i dont think she can go anywhere with it until i actually voice that yes..and i dont know if i can..i dont know what will happen..i dont know what will change but i just think or know or completely believe that something will have to change if i said that..and that is a big time scary thing.i dont know if i can do that :(

and i went today and her office was changed around and it really unsettled me..i dont know what it was about how it looked today but i wasnt ok with it at all..something about it really truly bothered me and i told her so..and when i needed to buy time to think of answers for questions i brought up random issues with her office and what not lol..and she called me on some of it but still she answered my questions all the same..and then made me go back and answer the other questions anyway..but i dont know why it was so hard today in her office..i really really i dont know..it was weird

and we talked about eye contact and it was just one of those questions that i wasnt expecting at all..and until she mentioned it i really hadnt realized i didnt have a problem with eye contact when im with kids..but with adults and stuff it is a big big promblem and i dont know why..i dont know whats behind it..like yea it makes me uncomfortable and i dont like it which ive already told her anyway but its like theres a part of it that im missing and i cant figure it out..i dont know what im looking for but i dont know what it is..and its probably the most obvious thing ever and i just dont see it..its annoying the crap out of me and making me really anxious because i want to know and i should know and i dont..i cant figure it out at all..

might as well get this out now

made it home safely..was delayed for most of the morning because of really bad weather and the ride was still bumpy as heck coming out of fla..but the trip was awesome..it was like one of those rare tripes where i can do what i want and have fnu and not have to worry about you know someone being mad at me or telling me i cant do something or have something..i was ok for most of the trip..some down times mood wise but thsoe where mostly when i was by myself or something..and other times i was just to busy to really be able to focus on anything but walking ..gosh im so so sooooooooooooooooooo tired and out of energy right now still lol..have been up since like 6 this morning though and i swear my alarm when off and i almost wanted to cry i didnt want to get up..but i did and gott up and dressed and all that fun stuff..and the trip its self was cool..i think we rode just about every ride we wanted too..some more than once and a couple like 3 times lol..riley did awesome and didnt get sick on any of them..and i saw the fireworks and the parade of lights and the parade of dreams and had breakfast with mickey and friends and it was just so very cool...i had the youngest one telling me i was her substitute mom for when her mom wasnt around and all of the kids where either passing off on holding my hand while walking or waiting in line..or harris was notorious for sitting on my lap whenever i was sitting down and asking to be picked up but that was a definite no cas it was hot and i was dead tired when he was lol..i kept telling him it wasnt gonna happen..and it was like a vacation in a way..cas there moms were to tired at the end of the day to do anything but go be bed we stayed out so late! and did so much..and i made them go to the lion king show and it rocked! and i am really really so happy i got to go..im happy they let me go and paid for me to go..we had fun. and with the delay this morning we went shoping and stuff and riley got me some of the fuzzy posters im starting to do often and he surprised me with them and it really was so sweet

and then i came home and suddenly i wasnt to happy anymore..it was like i instantly strted dreading being home as soon as i realized the trip really was over and we were heading back to dees house..i wanted to cry..i was disappointed..i wanted to go back to fla..i almost meant it when i told them they could leave me in fla..but it was when i was actually back in wilmington that all the old worried set back in..i wasnt gone anymore..it was back to work..back to responsibilites..back to everything i dont want to think about anymore..couldnt ignore it anymore.and it came back with a venegence :( it makes me feel so so guilty becuase i should want to be at home..i should want to come back and now i can still be ok..and its not like that..and it sucks..geez i dont think ive ever really wanted to come home..not as a kid or a teenager or as an adult..it has always been something to be afraid of..something to seriously fear and hate and know that it cant be avoided for too long..and like every other time..i come back and its like defenses are back in place and there is no longer any peace or quiet ..

and now mommys car isnt working and already im just waiting to have more things thrown at me for what i need to do or help with..and im trying hard not to seem rude or anything but its so hard..like instantly things go back to the way they were and its like i have to do all this extra stuff and i cant get a break at all..and its hard when i dont want to do something and cant say that..because it is different when mommys car actually isnt working at all .. i hope i can handle it..all the extra stress

but guess thats about all for updates lol..think i covered everything possible

score

well first it rocks that there is a computer and internet in my hotel room!!!! that almost is as good as riding on a jet lol..so ill get to stay a little connected at least to my email and things and that does make me feel so much better..and this will be the only time ever this will prolly happen and im enjoying it so so much..its like holy cow it will take me forever to get money to come and stay at the disney contempary resort again..but to start from the beginning..we flew to fla in a jet..a private jet no less..no lines..no security..no anything..the jet was a bit on the small side but it holds 7 ppl and the pilot..the take off was awesome and i was facing the wrong way in the plane and it felt so very very weird not being able to see where i was going correctly...but read for a little bit ...played phase 10 a bit with like 4 kids lol..and it was only about an hour and 45 mins and we landed at a airport pla ce that was once again just private and everything and it was really nice and was like a big hotel room ..and so cool being suddenly i dont know slightly rich without doing anything at all..but anyway we are in the hotel that has the monorail going through it..we went to downtown disney tonight and had dinner and just walked around..went to the lego store and just wondered around a bit...and i have a room to myself! which kinda is ..hmm ok its the coolest thingever..ive never had a room entirely to myself..i can do whatever i want..not that i have anythign to do and im tired enouguh that i do only want to go to bed lol..but still its really really cool and now ill stop saying that

always a but

you look nice but
you did a good job but
you lost weight but

but but but but ..theres always a but..its never just good enough as it is..i suck

off to disney world

we leave tomorrow afternoon for disney world.. and i have to admit im getting a little excited..helps that im not paying for it but still excited all the same..packed tonight and will have to do cleaning and stuff in the morning..not up for it tonight..

maybe the trip will help me clear my head..i hope so..given it is a sort of a break..all ive been trying to do lately is find a way to get away..so maybe this will have to be the break i need/want..and then ill worry about next week when it gets here..or try too

oh well..not much to write about right now!

and now for the second part

this one i will have to work on a little at a time..my thoughts have slowed at least and now all the little pieces i missed in the last post are coming up in a way..

my life is a bit of a joke in some ways..i wake up, live in some sort of way, work, watch mindless tv, and go to bed to do it all over again the next day and the next day and the next..my life is ruled by whether or not i have the approval of mommy..that dictates my day..that dictates what i can or cant expect to happen..

i get afraid of changes..making changes..and then start to resist everything..good or bad..i dont know what to trust most of the time..i get so sad and dont know the reasons behind it..im unable to talk myself happy..i cant listen to myself..i can go away if i so choose when ever i want too..sometimes it feels like there so much inside of me that ill just explode if it doesnt come out some way..maybe thats why i cut and do all that stuff..

actually..hmm not feeling ok enough to finish this for now..will have to come back to it..
sorry

rant..

ok so therapy wakes up my head in the worst of ways..right up until its time for me to go aback and then i cant think of anything to say! god but as soon as im out of her office then its like jabber city in my head and im thinking of a million different things..and its such a pain in the butt..

but today well we talked about a lot of stuff but i realized after i left thats it not therapy in particular that i dont like..i dont like that im a social worker and can be trusted to go out and freaking help someone else and be supportive and caring and understanding and all that good stuff and its like when it comes to myself its like none of that matters any more..i cant analyze myself..i cant do anything for myself in that aspect and i hate that i have to go and have someone else help me when i should be able to do it by myself and not need someone else to point stuff out to me because i cant freaking see whats happening right in front of me..geez ive already done all this self reflection and self awareness..i suffered and hated having to do all of that but i did it and then never looked at it again ..but my teachers knew i had a hard time doing it and that it killed me to get it done and be as honest as possible and sane while writing it and trying so hard not to give any thing away..and its so frustrating..it shouldnt be like this..i should be able to do this by myself and i freaking cant..im a failure

geez how has my past effected me..i cant trust my own opinion..i always expect someone else to come along and do it better or tell me i did it wrong or yell at me about something..i cant stand to be asked what i want to do because i wonder why anyone would care what it is i think or want..i dont expect to be listened too..i dont expect to be noticed or wanted or cared for..i hate cleaning..i wait till the last minute to get things done..i feel guilty for wanting to do anything that doesnt involve anyone else..i dont like being called selfish or lazy..i don't consider myself to be good enough for anything...im not good enough..because im told im not good enough..i cant not go home ..even if i know ill be miserable and suicidal there.. i have to go because im expected to go..because thats what im supposed to do..i follow the rules to a fault and most of the time i dont even know what the rules are..i just know its something i have to do..or something im not supposed to do because it will cause trouble..or ill be in trouble..i cant speak up for myself because being noticed is just not a good thing..i cant have anyone walking behind me and not being able to see them..which made school a pain in the butt some days..i cant be touched by someone i don't know..even if its just on my arm or something..it took a couple of my teachers my entire time in the program before i would let them give me a hug when i went to see them..didn't really matter if i wanted one or not because i couldn't be touched and didn't like it at all..but somewhere in all of there asking i realized they were ok and wouldn't hurt me..took my old therapist all 5 years or so that i saw her.. i cant say whats on my mind..never the first thing anyway.. i have to think everything through from every possible angle..so i know what to expect..i have to watch more than talk because talking just leads to trouble..if im not noticed then thats still a good thing..my self worth/value depends on what others think of me and not the other way around..i have a hard time accepting compliments because i wonder who is lying to me and who isn't..i cant handle conflict..i cut, i burn, i starve, i b/p, geez i wonder if i would be blamed for killing myself if i 'accidentally' crashed my car into something..i cant kill myself because i wonder whether or not ill be able to go through with it and have it work..cas if it doesn't work and im saved then there will be hell to pay for trying..sometimes i want to run away from my life because i hate it so much...my thoughts race and i can give my a panic attack if i stress about some things way way to much, i hate being in a room thats completely dark sometimes..i don't remember anything..theres a part of me that refuses to grow and still seeks approval with a vengeance..i hate being told what to do..or what i should do from other ppl ( cause i do it all the time to myself) ..im ashamed of myself for my scars..im ashamed of who i am..i hate myself because i have too..because on some level thats what i think im told to do..if your told to always change then well theres something wrong with you that cant be fixed..so no im not good enough..i have to be everyone else..i have to keep everyone else happy..

blah..just lots of stuff..i dont know..so funny how i couldnt get my head together enough to tell her any of this..maybe ill just save myself the trouble and just take this next time..havent decided yet..kinda anxious about it all now..like that eventually someone will find out the whole story and (if anyone does then i would really like to be clued in on what has gone on with my life! PLEASE) then i just dont know..really dont

so what

god why do ppl always have to concern themselves with what i do or dont do..or what i eat ..or what i wear ..or how i look..what ever happened to me being old enough to do what i wanted to do without anyone else being able to say something about it? its not fair at all..my choice to call in sick today..my choice because its my job..my hours im not getting paid for..god i thought and worried about it all morning before finally deciding to call in the first place..because yvonne was here because tomorrow i have to be at riley and harris's house..becuase i have to do paperwork..because there were fraking things i needed to do and didnt have the time if i had to work today..ive gone to work sick ..i dont just miss days every week for the hell of it! god i have more sense than that..and i wouldnt just miss days because i dont want to go to work..that would be stupid.. that would end up with me losing my job .. so why would i do that? but why must everyone make comments about why im not at work? what concern is it of anyone else..im not asking for money to pay anything..ive worked my butt off these past couple months to make sure i would be able to pay bills and if i couldnt then i did when i had the extra money..geez i felt guilty wnough doing it in the first place..worrying about if they were going to be mad at me..or something..and i talked it over with yvonne and she didnt add pressure or anything at all..i told her i couldnt decide and she made me figure out what i had to do..and we spent the morning together..she came yesterday and spent the night since i couldnt go up there to see her..and we did dinner and watched movies at home and i got her a bday present of sorts..and we went out this morning and did some stuff and now im home again and she has headed back to school and im getting ready to do paperwork..no im not wasting the day in bed or anything..its so stupid..

and im probably over reacting in the first place..wasnt in the best of moods anyway from shopping for clothes this morning...everything is sleeveless or cut to low and i cant wear them..i could scream im so upset and annoyed over it..i mean its like a glaring sign pointed at me saying ive =been stupid and pretty much destroyed my body and it cant be fixed..and it is all my fault..and so i shouldnt be disappointed or hurt or anything but that doesnt stop it...went a few places and looked around and it was depressing on so many levels because i can only shop for certain things..and i have also been really really stupid and gained weight in the past year and that makes it harder to find clothes too..and it was all just to much today..and it just all turned into a big i hate you day..god if i could jump out of my skin i would just to get away from myself for a while..

a little worried

just because i was bored and didnt want to clean up i checked my blood pressure with riley and harris's dads thing..and it was highish..i really for the life of me cant remember the last time i went to the doctor and im not going now either..but i am worried a bit..my eating goes up and down so much ..not the healthiest either..i dont know i guess it would be stupid to say i dont want to be healthier..the question is i guess do i want to put the effort into it..i mean yea i want to do but i dont want to have to have a heart attack to do it. so i dont know..i dont want to have to take meds for it again..already done that once and stopped without a docs approval anyway..prolly not the brightest idea ive ever had either...hmm lots to think about though

life of late

kinda down right now..have been sense yesterday..( had to rethink about if it was saturday yet) but i mean i had planned on going to greenville this weekend to hang out with yvonne..before she left for the summer ..so we could do something for her birthday..and i had told mommy already..i told her i wanted to go and then i even ended up with a little extra money so i could go..only to be told yesterday that im needed to help riley with something.and i have to babysit him this weekend...mommy knew..i had told her ..and she didnt tell dee when she was talking about all this stuff..and them mommy tells me and its like oh well if it was me i would reschedule going out of town and stay here to babysit..yea well you would think that cas its always about money..not really about what i want..and so my plans get changed..and it st ill sucks..a full 24hrs later it sucks and im stuck at home and i really really needed to get away for the weekend...no i dont blame anyone i guess..i just wish i could have been able to say nope i have plans already cant babysit..but i felt to guilty..like i would have just left them all hanging or something..and then im just disappointed big time about it and all it cant be changed now..i just wanted to yell and scream yesterday when i found out about everything but i was at work..even considered cutting..but couldnt do that at work :( so just stayed dissapointed...but by this morning the disappointed had changed into no one likes you..no one cares..your not important..no idea how it changed..when the shift happened or even really why..but i thought about it this morning when i noticed it and couldnt really figure it out..i thought about it because im supposed to be trying to make a list to use to distract myself again from cutting..i did it twice week before last..wondering when my next meltdown will happen and ill do it again? im suppsoed to have the list incase..but then im still going back and forth between whether or not i even want the stupid thing..but i ended up making a deal with the doc about it.and she is going to keep tabs for me kinda..because i told her i couldnt do it by myself and be expected to stick to it or not stick to it .. so good or bad i still have to talk about it in some form or fashion..maybe it will help again..having someone else keep tabs for a while..dont know..but guess thats all

hmm looked for pictures for collages though..this morning when i was really scattered..it helped..so far i have 3 small ones..and in the process of another one..and i have one planned that i just havent had time to put together..so ill have to work on those..it gives me something to do when i run out of ideas..and its tedious enough that it does work as a distraction..guess ill be adding that one to my list..

blah

feeling mostly annoyed and anxious right now..completely annoyed that somenoe has been taking stuff out of my room while im not at home..all i have is a room and no one seems to respect that at all..hardish time over the weekend with feeling alone and being at work and just everything really..picking at my arm too..has been a long time since ive had scars to really pick at..and gave in last night as was picking at them for a while..tired and cranky..but once again because im stupid ill be up all night doing paperwork to turn in tomorrow..its going to be a long day and a stressful week ... oh and to make it even better.. its actually over $50 to fill up my gas tank...and if i get gas twice a week...yea..not to happy right now

im such a spazz

major alone feeling today..and as i wrote that i realized i could have worded it so much better..but basically just felt really alone today..not lonely either..but completely and utterly alone with everything..and its not a good feeling at all

but as i was writing an email a min ago..i realized something has been worrying me..and a lot of it has to do with trust..but i dont know how to really approach the topic either..i dont trust quickly at all.. i mean it takes me forever and ever to learn to trust someone..and its really hard..but with the new doc its like i keep going back and forth..im not sure yet how much i trust her..i want to i really do but something is really stopping me..i do try to talk and have brought up cutting..but then i zone out a lot when she is talking and its hard to focus on what im being told..but i go darn it..and that should be enough but its not...and it makes me feel stupid and really really childish to want to figure out what makes the doc tick...maybe im just looking to be flat out told to stop or that enough..-ok i really am a spazz- i need her to tell me what my boundaries are with her..without me having to ask..and if im being a pain in the butt..well as much of a pain as i can get away with then she would have to let me know when ive gone to far..she would have to tell me to stop and then explain it all to me..and i wont have to ask..does that seem stupid? i cant come right out and ask..i cant really let her know completely that i dont know anything when it comes to boundaries..but i want them..i need to have someone else put them in place though..and i think thats part of why i was so upset about having to cancel and then reschedule my appt..all ive been thinking about is talking to her and talking about cutting because i want to for some reason..but im not sure how far i can go with it and so im not sure whats ok and whats not to tell her...hmmm i dont know

i dont fit in anywhere...

mood kinda dropped a bit since this morning..was having one of my ok days..and im sure it prolly had something to do with that my arm is hurting so much i dont what to think about it..but its like i cant complain either..my pain...i did it..so suffer in silence..yet again .. and i really have no idea how it is ppl cant feel my scars through my shirt when they touch my upper arm? most of the time i end up jerking away anyway but when i dont..i wonder why no one asks..but anyway..was just thinking today ..well tonight that i dont fit in..and i keep looking for a place to belong and i cant seem to find it..i dont even know how to describe what im looking for..how will i know if i find it? how ill i know if i never find it? i just want a place to be myself..completely..regardless of everything..i want to be able to walk around in a tank top if i want too..or to wear shorts..and not have to worry about getting funny looks because of all the scars..i want to be able to say im having a crummy day and have someone tell me it will be ok..or to cry and not be laughed at..or to be able to talk without being afraid..safety..love..understanding..caring..i want all of it..and cant find it...im just alone ...

hmm

well incase i havent said it in a while..therapy is a pain in the butt

hmm other than that things are i dont know..could be better could be worse...i move my arm and the pain reminds me of what i did..i dont know really if im disappointed in myself or not you know..its just i freaked out big time monday night..and having to drive home in a hail storm did not make me feel the slightest bit better..and then i get home and need to concentrate on work stuff and just realize that my journal is missing..the newest one that i had been writing in..and with me and my memory issues i freaked out and looked everywhere i could think of and couldnt find it..freaked even more trying to remember what i had written about...cas mommy has read my journals before and i got in a lot of trouble and i stopped writing for the longest time...and i just kept thinking i would be dead if she read it..but im still worried ..i must have left it downstairs for a few days and didnt even realize it..didnt realize it was gone..and i had to calm down..cut my arm a lot..havent done the upper part of my arm in forever and it was like saying hi to an old friend..ok really bad way to describe that but thats really kinda like it was...i have really missed doing my arm..and to make it worse im now paranoid that mommy will find out..and pull up my sleeve and ill just be in even more trouble ..

but i talked about it some in therapy without of course mentioning i had done it the night before..and im a little shocked that i said it was worth it.. that i would take the hour of calmness that cutting brings..that it was worth it to cut so i could have that calmness..its like i staked my claim on being crazy on tuesday..thinking about it now i wonder why i didnt lie..or come up with something else..darn me for actually trying to talk and understand and be heard..funny i dont often consider lying when it comes to therapy and what not..i may not answer stuff but i rarely out right lie about stuff..takes more energy and time and dedication to not talk in the first place..but oh well..im sure ill have too figure it out at some point..

but on to other stuff...work is work..some days stressful..some days a lot of fun..im for sure going to disney world and have my own room in the resort! that rocks :) :) and im so excited about that..given im sure ill see more of riley and harris but ill still have my own room! and that rocks! and i get to ride on there private plane which rocks too...weather has been sucky..and guess thats about all

you know..

maybe coming home had its benefits..how ever slim and farfetching they may be..i have to wonder if things would have turned out different if i was still currently living on my own..well yea..id be able to do whatever i wanted without worrying about having to explain myself and what ive done..i wouldnt hate coming home..but on the other side i would also be still struggling more than i am now iwth money and getting things paid..yea its still a struggle but i know i have enough to pay my immediate bills and have a little left over..to do other stuff with..but being home also means i have to put up with everything from everyone else and in a way learn what it is that bothers me so much..and its either work on it now or leave it all alone until i really do crack under the pressure so to speak..and i did crack a bit the other week and things really truly sucked big time..but that also meant i had to think about it and all that came with it you know..maybe this is the place to learn about standing up for myself and doing what i have to inorder to take care of myself..its not gonna happen tomorrow..but it will one day..and i hope that in the time im at home..god i hope im gone by next summer..but i hope ill be able to figure things out..have to have some place to get my priorities in order.and if i had to choose i certainly wouldnt choose doing it at home..but i guess thats just how things work out...if i wasnt home and constantly on the verge of backing down i wouldnt have managed to talk myself into going back to therapy in the first place..and thats as good a starting place as any!!?!

really truly thinking

everyone run for cover..i think the world may end..im more postive than ive been in forever

the past few weeks have been really hard yea..im not going to go and complain about it all again now ..been there..done that..but yea it was hard ..and then the other night i was thinking about something that i cant seem to remember now but it was along the lines of being ok with myself..and then it went away again..and then today i was just randomly reading a fitness magazine..cas i do every so often just for the heck of it..and i started thinking again about how i should want to do stuff for me not for anyone else yes scary i know lol..i heard the quote umm "be the change you want to see in the world" a million times doing my last couple college years..i think it was the motto for the social work dept..but i heard it a lot and never really took it to heart or anything it had turned into something to say..but then i left and havent tthought about it in forever?! and then today all of a sudden its in my head again..and its like holy cow where did that come from..sometimes i think its more tiring being so sad all the time..and im sad most of the time about a million different things..shoot sometimes im just sad and i have no idea why...maybe it is time to start working harder and getting things done..maybe i should put more effort into making time to do stuff i like whatever that may be and i mean big stuff not the little stuff either..haha i should write a self help book

its funny in a way cas i guess its just so very easy to get caught up in everything i dont have or cant do or dont want to do..but i think im ready to be heard you know..which means ill have to give up some control and im not sure im rady for that..what would happen if i really truly talked? would the world really end? would i go to hell? would i drop dead on the spot for talking about something that happened years ago? how come the fear doesnt go away...some how it has been worked out inside and its like all the hard stuff is just surrounded by fear..that if i say anything then something really bad would happen..what i dont know..i dont think anyone really knows..but just that it would be bad and should be avoided at all costs..so everything stays inside..and just builds and builds..and things get hard at home and i fall apart just to be put quickly back together again so no one will know..i feel stupid saying i dont know how to talk but i dont..i can put words into a sentence..i can talkabout all the little stuff..but ask about the scars on my arm and i forget how to utter every single word i know..thoughts still run through my head but nothing is coming out..ask me about being a kid and i cant come up with anything..it doesnt make sense..what do i have to do ?!? sit at the wall that blocks everything out and start picking at it until i get something? anything to come back? i say i want to know but do i really? but if i dont start somewhere will i always be so up and down ? so unsettled in everything? afraid of everything? and whats to say i wont change my mind tomorrow and not want to know anything anymore? what if im ok being sad and upset and not knowing why..but on some level i know thats not true either..i hate not knowing the why behind stuff..i hate not being able to remember..but im just afraid to know the truth

just wanted to note

...tonight while i was talking to myself on the drive home..it was on the tip of my tongue to say that i didnt need anyone else to determine my self worth..i wanted to say it and it wasnt that i was afraid of saying ..more of i was afraid of what it implies..but maybe one of these days i will be ok with liking myself..yep one of these days i will



..shocking only because normally im so comfortable with hating myself and not really putting much effort into it at all..but tonight it was the oppisiite..i want to like myself i do..i want to figure out what makes me happy..that was my other talking to myself topic tonight lol..heck i can talk abuot a lot of stuff in 30 mins trying to stay awake enough to drive home!

thinking about a lot to say the least!

im ok

words hurt...a lot of the time i hate what im being told..doesnt matter who its coming from you know..it all depends on who is saying it and the meaning they want to come across..last weekend in a group im in i was asked to help with something and i did and the other person just got really upset and said a bunch of really hurtful things..didnt matter that i was reading it..and i was under the impression that i was being helpful and not messing everything up..but it wasnt like that ..and i ended up really hurt and upset and pissed off big time..because once again no one tells me what they are really thinking..and once again i just felt they were sorry because i say it and called them on it before they wanted me too..and it was just your not sorry you did it..your sorry your caught..just like everyone else ive ever had this happen with..im not stupid and im not a child..i may be quiet and let a lot of things get by me but sometimes i dont let that happen..and i listened to all the apoligizes and invites to tell me i was welcome to stay in the group..and i just wanted to tell her to leave me the hell alone..but i stuck to my choice to wait a week..and calm down and really think about what happened and why and what i thought about it..and its like i did it..i had my chance to vent and yell in a journal..i worried and stressed and wondered about it..and i still said the occasional hi to them in other places..and then today i started posting just a little bit ..and it wasnt the same..i realized i wasnt ok with being there anymore..no matter how much i wanted to stay..i just wasnt ok with being there and knowing about the staff board and knowing what was written about me and not being able to see it or have access to it..im paranoid enough..i dont need help..and not from a place that is supposed to offer support you know..im not setting myself up to always be left wondering if im doing something wrong..i have that at home i dont need it online too..maybe i was so desperate to be validated and accepted that i shared more than i should have and opened up to fast and so i ended up hurt because i trusted them..i trusted that it was safe to talk and ok to talk..and it turned out that it wasnt...and i had to realize that ..and not force myself to stay..and i sent them a message..letting them know rather politely why it was i couldnt stay..and im ok with it..im ok with how i did it..im not proud of myself or anything..but just ok..i stood up for myself..i said what i was thinking..and i cant control there reactions..i just have to remember that

oh yeah

topic of the day...resistance and priorities..i knew i was forgetting to do something lol

so i was advised to think on why i resist good stuff so much *insert rolled eyes here please* because i really just want to tell her that she hasnt even begun to touch on my real resistance..geez im not trying to brag but good grief if i had to be good at something then resistance it is .. i find it funny really because most ppl have no real idea in the first place..and the few who do stop questioning after a while i suppose..i find it comforting to know on some levels that there is no one really who can hold out against all of it..i don't expect anyone to hold out through all of it..maybe thats it..if i don't expect it then i cant be disappointed when they leave or give up ... heck i resist myself to a point! but anyway..why resist the good stuff..well the most basic and straightforward answer would be because i know i dont deserve it..because i haven't earned the right to be told im good at anything or told anything good about myself..why when im told every other day that i suck and im not good enough..who should i believe..mommy or everyone else?? because im so used to being told whats wrong with me that i cant trust that someone else is telling me the truth..like what have i done to earn anyones love or good comments?? why would anyone waste there time and energy on making me feel better about something? so yea i resist because i dont want to be lied too..i dont want to be laughed at..yes i would rather be told i suck than im nice or good or something..hmm guess thats depressing in a way..

now for priorities..for the life of me i cant figure mine out..i mean what am i doing with my life..all i do is work work work..when i can .. i do collages..or read or update my journal..or color..or something small that i can do and not be interrupted with..and thats mostly done at night when im by myself ..but besides all that what am i doing ..what do i want out of life im guessing..or even jut want do i want out of myself here..right now?? do i even have goals anymore ?? do i have anything to work towards at all ? still need to think about this one

keep looking at this and being unable to come up with anything at all to say..lots going on in my head but as soon as i think about writing it all goes away again..

im really tired..havent been sleeping to good the past couple nights..


had a puppy today for like 30 mins before it ran away ..ugh are yard is not closed in at home and so just tying the scared puppy to the pole and leaving was not a good idea but she couldnt go in the house either..im sad she ran away and i couldnt keep her..i hope she is safe because we live in the county kinda and cars speed down that road and a lot of animals end up getting hit..but still hoping a little she will find her way back..she let me pet her though..and she sat still for me and that was nice...

work was stressful today..and thats all im saying on that one ..

but yea..mostly just to tired for my own good

ive picked the heck out of my fingers..i dont know why i kept at it even after i made most of them bleeding..i still kept picking and then it was just like hooly crap..i shouldnt have done that..and i really shouldnt have but i cant magically make my fingers all better..ill be lucky if they dont get infected..i need to cut my fingernails and maybe that will help..

tired..another night of being so sidetracked and putting off paperwork..i suck

the internet

getting hurt online hurts just as bad as if i was standing in a room with someone..just because im a million miles away and wont see you tomrrow means absouletly nothing..im not a robot here..im not pretending..im not a child..but i will not pretend either that what was said wasnt true or hurtful or anything..what exactly would you expect someone to think??

i wake up and wonder why it is im not dead yet still..wonder why it is i still am thinking and dreaming and worrying..why cant i succeed at just one thing..but why must i want to be good at dying? what sense does that make at all?? oh i dont know..my head has been confusing lately..i dont know what i want anymore but then i do know what i want but i dont know how to get it..i hate everything right now..i dont want to really do anything at all..still a struggle to get by..i dont want to be around mommy but i have to.i dont want to be around anyone really..serious touch issues right now..feel so unheard..but how can i be heard if i dont speak? who listens to me? no one? anyone? no..no one listens to me..why should i speak..i have nothing to say..ill never have anything to say..

during the play therapy thing the other night the lady talked about how one of the her cls told her once that his anger went all the way up to god..seriously that is a lot of anger but i wonder then..how big is my anger and what do i do with it? it seems silly to even have to ask how big my anger is because i want to say i dont get mad..but i do get mad and then i push it all away until im not mad anymore..or i just get so mad i cant sit still or do anything and i have to cut to make it go away or purge to make it go away..but it never really goes anywhere does it? how do you let out anger and know its gone for good? ? my anger just grows..forever and ever it will just grow..until it runs out of space i suppose..

i suppose things are getting back into some sort of order..and going to the play therapy thing last night did help..but even with that and everything i know things are still really close to be pushed over again..or i guess it would be better to say im really close to being pushed over again..but trying hard to be ok enough to get by for now..not to pleased with my actions of late but i wont get into all of that because its not to bad or anything and the scars wont be noticed..so its just another day right..things cant really get any worse right now..and its just ive stopped bothering to do anything with my time..instead i just wait becuase ive learned more this past week that it really doesnt matter what i have planned..because if im needed to do something else then screw my schedule..because it doesnt matter anyway..i freak out because im trying to fit everything in but no one else really cares at all as long as i make time for them and to do stuff for them..so much for having time to take abreak this week..i really needed that break and instead i just got more and more stuff added on that i still needed to do..and because of it all ive been late for work and stuff..im told family comes first..but it seems im the only one in the family that doesnt really matter as much

still sad..still upset..but not suicidal anymore for now at least..struggling..and back to being really quiet..

but for other stuff

last night i went to play therapy overview kinda for my job..it was one of those continuing education things that some jobs 'heavly reccomend' that you do last night was the play therapy one and i was signed up because i well like working with kids..and the stuff we did was really cool..wished i had been in a better space to try more of them but watching was cool too..

but ive decided..im going back to school be a play therapist i could never come up with an answer when i was asked and it was just yea im planning to get my masters i just couldnt deicide what i wanted it to be in or where i wanted to go..so now ive decided lol..and still dont know where to go but its something

at least i got out of bed

my head is quieter today..but still all over the place..i still have a headache..still feel id ont know really dejected about everything and nothing..all the self critiscm just refuses to stop right now and gee i have a lot..hmm maybe it would be better to say im not really feeling anything at all..im doing enough to go to work and do my job but even then i can zone out just a bit there too...i have some class thing i have to take and i hope i make it to it..all ireally want to do right now is go back to bed and forget im still breathing..wondering when mommy is going to call to tell me what extra stuff to do today..and i have to keep reminding myself not to argue about it cas i always lose anyway..already thinking of what i can move around to give more time to her..all i do is plan and replan in my head lately..running commentary of everything i need to do, have to do, want to do, and even dont want to do..constantly changing and moving things to make time for someone else..my arm doesnt hurt anymore either..i want to cut..wanted to cut last night again but i didnt..cleaned instead..want to cut today and i probably will at some point..just to make things stop for a bit so i can focus enough to get ready to go to work..because already im gonna be late if i dont leave in like 20 mins..and i wont be ready in 20 min so its just another thing to had to my list of failures..you know it is suddenly so much easier to see every measly thing ive failed out when i have someone pointing them out to me so i know what to look for again..it was stupid of me to think things would be ok at home..really was..

its as if

it feels like my head has crack and every single thought i have is trying hard to come out and claim its spot..every silly or mean or annoying or bad thought ..not good stuff cas im not in a good mood right now but all the other stuff..just random comments and thoughts and i cant seem to get rid of them at all

i really need to calm down..but i cant..i feel to scattered to really do anything or be any good to anyone..i guess ill be ok tomorrow..more like i hope ill be ok but the way my head is right now im really not holding my breathe any..it feels like ive just broken into a million little pieces and im waiting for someone to glue me back together because i cant seem to do it..

cutting didnt really help this time..but i was in a rush when i did it..all im thinking about is cutting and eating and then not eating but still cutting and none of it freakin helps..i dont know what i want to do at all but it doesnt involve going home..but i can only brag my feet for so long over here..ill have to go home eventually and tomorrow it will all start over again..

why dont i just make it easier and keep of list of whts wrong with me so that no one will have to keep telling me..yes i know im stupid and mean ive been told that a million times..it makes no difference really what i think anyway..

how is it possible for me to offer my help and do everything im asked and still its just not enough..i dont know why i bothered getting a job anyway..it doesnt matter at all because it just cuts into the time i have to devote to everyone else..ohw stupid of me to go and try to work and keep my own bills paid and then offer to help with other stuff..how stupid of me to not put family first..because that is what is expected of me..that is what im told..how could i not devote my time to doing things for my brothers and sisters instead of getting to work on time or anything else? im sorry i dont do enough ok. im sorry i even bothered to think i was doing enough. im just sorry for being here

how

please tell me hos its possible that i was supposed to be getting time off this week to just catch up and do some stuff i wanted to do..and yet im busier this week than i was last week when i had my usual cl work..god i dont need anymore freakin free time..i cant seem to keep what i have..and it so annoying that i say im going to use the time to just do other stuff and as soon as mommy found out i wasnt working as much its turned into i need you to do this and this and this and im so stressed out right now i dont know what to do because all my free time is being used running errands all over the place and i cant do all of that and what im expected to do and i cant even say no to anything now..because i was trying ot be nice and telling mommy i would help becuase she is working extra this week and she hurt her ankle last week and i was trying to be helpful and not argue and so i said i would help some but now its like i have to do all this stuff and well to bad if i end up being late to work because i have to take nia to work..i have to be at work at 1 i have to go and pick up nia at 12 to drive her a half hour out of the way of everything and then turn back around and hope traffic isnt so bad and i can even get to work on time..and then all the extra paperwork im still catching up on and not being able to sleep without nightmares..got five hours off and on last night and stayed up doing paperwork until i fell asleep at my comp only to wake up this morning to finish it enough to turn it in and then ended up meeting with my supervisor this morning while i was there an they are coming out to my job and i had to take someone some place for mommy and so now i have enough time to put on clean clothes and run back out to take nia and go to work and after work i have to go to the library because i have books out and then i may or may not have to go help mommy at work and tomorrow im busy all day with work stuff but im sure somehow mommy will get some time out of me and then friday i alraedy know im babysitting and thats when they come back from there trip and i have to go over there and will prolly be there all weekend again..just like every other weekend of my miserable existence..so no i dont freaking need anymore free time i cant keep the time i have and everyone else is more freakin important than i am so im expected to just drop everything else to do what someone else wants..i want this week to be over right now

i feel like my head is going to crack..all ive been doing is constantly going over what i have to do and what time i have to be places and then having to go back and change stuff and try to add more stuff and wondering why in the hell there are only 24 hours in a day..whos bright idea was that because obviously i need at least 30 to even begin to handle everything i need to get done..

trying hard

so its monday..back to work..back to everything i put off all weekend. trying really hard to get some sort of schedule for work paperwork going..i actually moved all of my computer stuff downstairs cas working in my room just took to long cas the tvs right there and all my movies and i can never stay on task..at least in the den im in the back of the room and its just my comp right there and its easier to focus for longer periods of time..and i managed almost 2 hours before i let myself take a break...still have a bunch of work to do but ill work for a bit longer and then ill have to finish later on when im done at work and after running a few errands..and then it will be back to work on paperwork stuff..i mean i do have to admit that not doing it all in my bedroom does help..i always laugh when i read that youknow your supposed to keep your bed room for just sleeping and its like umm i think i do everything but sleeping in my room lol..gosh its just my room is the only place i really have at home and so i do everything in there and thats why there are always things to distract me..and it does help that i have a meeting this morning with my supervisor to yet again get help on one set of my notes..its a pain in the butt and i really could just slap myself for not saving the last ones because now i have to retape a weeks worth of two sets of notes to redo them..and that bites big time! but guess i better get going

just aggravated

anxious a bit ..but mostly just pissed off and now a bit sad..funny how after anger comes saddness..maybe i just skip the anger part and go straight to sad..i dont know..but its just they were fighting downstairs and mommy is freaking out and still in a seriously pissed off mood in that they actually fought in the house..but they knocked junk over and thankfully nothing was broken..but john john was nice enough to apoligize and help me clean the mess up..and montrell just keeps going on and on about it and yelling about all this stuff that doesnt matter..

and makes me mad that he is constantly looking to blame someone else for what he did..and then when he is confronted about it he lies and denies it and its like damn you i just watched you do this or no one else was home so who did it? and he still lies and swears his innocence..god how many times as a kid was i hit for something he did? how many times now did i ask mommy not to let him come back and stay..and still he is here..its like why do i bother trying at all about some stuff you know..

no i didnt have the perfect childhood..yea it owuld be nice if i could remember any of it..but no it wasnt perfect..yes i have a lot of issues now..but no i am not blaming someone else for the stuff i do..god im sure mommy would be pleased if i said someone else cut me instead of her having to deal with me doing it..but i dont ..some things theres just no point in lying about..and its like the things i do and the things i think dont have to define who i am..i dont go looking for pity or want someone to feel sorry for me..i dont talk for that reason and i can feel sorry enough for myself for everyone..but i guess when it comes down to it i dont have to be defined by what ive been dx'd with..i just happen to be me and all of my other stuff i just have to deal with and id say that i do ok most of the time..some days im so off the wall i dont know what to do with myself but then eventally it goes away for a bit..i hate that ppl use dx's as excuses or what happened to them as excuses..it makes it harder i guess for the ppl who really try to make something of there lives regardless of everything..

blah

no matter how much i sleep lately im always tired


again

tonight

i had to take a recert class for restraint training tonight..and i was stressing over it a lot..but im done with it already..and as much as i hate to say it ..the class was a little disappointing..maybe its because i have already had to use restraints..ive had to talk kids down from going all over the place..and i have watched an 8 yr old kid completely beat up a 4yr old because he wanted too and could..i dont like doing it but i guess i trust that i can if i had too...and the restraint classes i had to take at my old job were seriously hard core restraints..the lady running it could have u on the ground in a minute flat..didnt matter how big you were..and looks can be deceiving cas the lady was as big around as a pencil but she knew her restraints and she taught them well..we had to really fight to get out of her holds and even the holds we practied on each other..more so why i hated it..cas i couldnt get out of some of them without seriosuly trying..and tonights class was ok..it did the basics and i know it was a recert but i just dont know..its like it was sugar coated a little bit..i was really surprised that i was the only one ther not counting the instructor that had even used a restraint..a real one..oh well maybe its not a big deal..im not worried much about having to use them with the cl's i have now..maybe im just in a complaining mood...i dont know..but im glad its over and done with for another year!

more free time than usual today and a lot of back and forth to home and other places..have to do some rewrites for work and that is just annoying the crap out of me..im barely keeping up with what i have to do for the week and i hate having to add on more to redo..ugh...gonna have to actually set aside time to work on them..and have them explained to me yet again..stupid me cant seem to get the hang of them..

another day

im not sad..but im not happy either..reallyy tired though..funny how i get 4 hours of sleep monday night and im up all day and barely feel tired but last night i got 7 or so hours and i feel like im going to fall asleep at any minute.. tomorrow im working much later and i dont have to go in friday evening..so i am excited about that..im done with work on friday at 3 and that doeesnt happen to often at all! but that also menats im working until 8:30 tomorrow night which i dont mind at all..ill just have to keep myself busy though lol...and tonight im not working either becuase i have pri training to do..not looking forward to it at all..i hate doing the restraints..but i have to have the training ..blah..so im just hoping it really doesnt go all the way to 9!but otherwise ..things in the world of work are alright..sometimes stressful..most of the time a lot of fun though..i mean really thinking about my job is like getting to play for 6hours .. who else can have a job description that says they are getting paid to color or watch movies, or go to the library and the park?! i mean im not complaining i do like my job ..its just that i realized the other day that i like my job because its easy..its not challenging in the slightest..i know my job..i can do my job and im ok with that for now..but it just feels like anyone could do this you know..given im also working with the babies and i do need my degree for that but the other ones its like i dont know..but for my schedule i do like the hours and that i have the freedom to change them around..i can handle not having benefits..just gotta stop getting sick..towards the end of this month i should be figuring out what my actually steady paycheck will be and that will help with bills and getting things paid you know..managing a bit with therapy and setting aside money for that..once i know what my paychecks will be i guess ill have to put some real effort into making and sticking to a budget! gotta chill on the impluse buys lol..rats for really wanting a new movie or cd or something..so lots of different stuff to work on ..really want to start saving but gas is killing me and for now im still stuck borrowing from mommy to keep gas in my tank..seriously its like 80 bucks a week in gas..totals to over 300 a month for gas and its a pain in the butt! and there are other things i want to do too..like i figured out i have to celebrate yvonnes birthday with her before her actually birthday cas she isnt going to be here this summer..and i want to find her something good for her birthday and figure out what her schedule is like around the first of may..and im still waiting on the final word of if im going to disneyworld or not..and a bit worried cas coming back from cali seriously killed my mood..dont really know why..i just had a really hard time adjusting back..and it really sucked..this trip wouldnt be that long but still ..a bit worried..

i find it funny that i need outside regulators to stabilize my mood..i cant do it by myself..i feel like a failure because i cant do it by myself..yet i cant say therapy doesnt help at least a little..heck im sure if i went and just stared at the floor for an hour i would swear i felt better..but then i hate talking so i find staring at the floor to be very helpful lol..doesnt take much to please me..went yesterday and am thinking about a lot of stuff from that..but still processing all of that i think...got the suggestion to write down you know what it is i think about myself..kidna what i hear in my head and do a negative and positive list..and just cas im curious i do actually plan on doing that..dont know yet if im going to show it to the doc or not but ill do it..cas now i want to know..i thought about it a little yesterday and had like a bunch of things on the bad side and like 2 on the good side..not really balanced there you know..so going to give it a bit of thought but it still is really hard figuring out the good stuff through all the not so good stuff..and bad stuff wins out every single time...

hmmm went out to dinner last night with mommy and nia and montrell and actually ordered something new..had a veggie burger with pineapple slices and teriyaki sauce.. was pretty good ..not something i would usually order but decided i was a bit sick of the reg veggie burgers..it was killer messy though lol ..still having ttrouble deciding if im going to stick with being vegetarian or not..i keep saying yes..then changing it and saying no..or trying to make it easier for someone else and just going along with what ever is being offered at the moment..cas thats just how i am i suppose..but i really do need to make up my mind..makes no sense to keep going back and forth..trying to chill out on the fast food and eat more fruits but as usual after a couple days i just kinda stop caring and forget what i said i was going to do..same old same old...

just the usual stuff going around my head..

sudenly in a semi bad mood..incredibly tired and cranky..and its my fault..nothing new there