might as well get this out now

made it home safely..was delayed for most of the morning because of really bad weather and the ride was still bumpy as heck coming out of fla..but the trip was awesome..it was like one of those rare tripes where i can do what i want and have fnu and not have to worry about you know someone being mad at me or telling me i cant do something or have something..i was ok for most of the trip..some down times mood wise but thsoe where mostly when i was by myself or something..and other times i was just to busy to really be able to focus on anything but walking ..gosh im so so sooooooooooooooooooo tired and out of energy right now still lol..have been up since like 6 this morning though and i swear my alarm when off and i almost wanted to cry i didnt want to get up..but i did and gott up and dressed and all that fun stuff..and the trip its self was cool..i think we rode just about every ride we wanted too..some more than once and a couple like 3 times lol..riley did awesome and didnt get sick on any of them..and i saw the fireworks and the parade of lights and the parade of dreams and had breakfast with mickey and friends and it was just so very cool...i had the youngest one telling me i was her substitute mom for when her mom wasnt around and all of the kids where either passing off on holding my hand while walking or waiting in line..or harris was notorious for sitting on my lap whenever i was sitting down and asking to be picked up but that was a definite no cas it was hot and i was dead tired when he was lol..i kept telling him it wasnt gonna happen..and it was like a vacation in a way..cas there moms were to tired at the end of the day to do anything but go be bed we stayed out so late! and did so much..and i made them go to the lion king show and it rocked! and i am really really so happy i got to go..im happy they let me go and paid for me to go..we had fun. and with the delay this morning we went shoping and stuff and riley got me some of the fuzzy posters im starting to do often and he surprised me with them and it really was so sweet

and then i came home and suddenly i wasnt to happy anymore..it was like i instantly strted dreading being home as soon as i realized the trip really was over and we were heading back to dees house..i wanted to cry..i was disappointed..i wanted to go back to fla..i almost meant it when i told them they could leave me in fla..but it was when i was actually back in wilmington that all the old worried set back in..i wasnt gone anymore..it was back to work..back to responsibilites..back to everything i dont want to think about anymore..couldnt ignore it anymore.and it came back with a venegence :( it makes me feel so so guilty becuase i should want to be at home..i should want to come back and now i can still be ok..and its not like that..and it sucks..geez i dont think ive ever really wanted to come home..not as a kid or a teenager or as an adult..it has always been something to be afraid of..something to seriously fear and hate and know that it cant be avoided for too long..and like every other time..i come back and its like defenses are back in place and there is no longer any peace or quiet ..

and now mommys car isnt working and already im just waiting to have more things thrown at me for what i need to do or help with..and im trying hard not to seem rude or anything but its so hard..like instantly things go back to the way they were and its like i have to do all this extra stuff and i cant get a break at all..and its hard when i dont want to do something and cant say that..because it is different when mommys car actually isnt working at all .. i hope i can handle it..all the extra stress

but guess thats about all for updates lol..think i covered everything possible

score

well first it rocks that there is a computer and internet in my hotel room!!!! that almost is as good as riding on a jet lol..so ill get to stay a little connected at least to my email and things and that does make me feel so much better..and this will be the only time ever this will prolly happen and im enjoying it so so much..its like holy cow it will take me forever to get money to come and stay at the disney contempary resort again..but to start from the beginning..we flew to fla in a jet..a private jet no less..no lines..no security..no anything..the jet was a bit on the small side but it holds 7 ppl and the pilot..the take off was awesome and i was facing the wrong way in the plane and it felt so very very weird not being able to see where i was going correctly...but read for a little bit ...played phase 10 a bit with like 4 kids lol..and it was only about an hour and 45 mins and we landed at a airport pla ce that was once again just private and everything and it was really nice and was like a big hotel room ..and so cool being suddenly i dont know slightly rich without doing anything at all..but anyway we are in the hotel that has the monorail going through it..we went to downtown disney tonight and had dinner and just walked around..went to the lego store and just wondered around a bit...and i have a room to myself! which kinda is ..hmm ok its the coolest thingever..ive never had a room entirely to myself..i can do whatever i want..not that i have anythign to do and im tired enouguh that i do only want to go to bed lol..but still its really really cool and now ill stop saying that

always a but

you look nice but
you did a good job but
you lost weight but

but but but but ..theres always a but..its never just good enough as it is..i suck

off to disney world

we leave tomorrow afternoon for disney world.. and i have to admit im getting a little excited..helps that im not paying for it but still excited all the same..packed tonight and will have to do cleaning and stuff in the morning..not up for it tonight..

maybe the trip will help me clear my head..i hope so..given it is a sort of a break..all ive been trying to do lately is find a way to get away..so maybe this will have to be the break i need/want..and then ill worry about next week when it gets here..or try too

oh well..not much to write about right now!

and now for the second part

this one i will have to work on a little at a time..my thoughts have slowed at least and now all the little pieces i missed in the last post are coming up in a way..

my life is a bit of a joke in some ways..i wake up, live in some sort of way, work, watch mindless tv, and go to bed to do it all over again the next day and the next day and the next..my life is ruled by whether or not i have the approval of mommy..that dictates my day..that dictates what i can or cant expect to happen..

i get afraid of changes..making changes..and then start to resist everything..good or bad..i dont know what to trust most of the time..i get so sad and dont know the reasons behind it..im unable to talk myself happy..i cant listen to myself..i can go away if i so choose when ever i want too..sometimes it feels like there so much inside of me that ill just explode if it doesnt come out some way..maybe thats why i cut and do all that stuff..

actually..hmm not feeling ok enough to finish this for now..will have to come back to it..
sorry

rant..

ok so therapy wakes up my head in the worst of ways..right up until its time for me to go aback and then i cant think of anything to say! god but as soon as im out of her office then its like jabber city in my head and im thinking of a million different things..and its such a pain in the butt..

but today well we talked about a lot of stuff but i realized after i left thats it not therapy in particular that i dont like..i dont like that im a social worker and can be trusted to go out and freaking help someone else and be supportive and caring and understanding and all that good stuff and its like when it comes to myself its like none of that matters any more..i cant analyze myself..i cant do anything for myself in that aspect and i hate that i have to go and have someone else help me when i should be able to do it by myself and not need someone else to point stuff out to me because i cant freaking see whats happening right in front of me..geez ive already done all this self reflection and self awareness..i suffered and hated having to do all of that but i did it and then never looked at it again ..but my teachers knew i had a hard time doing it and that it killed me to get it done and be as honest as possible and sane while writing it and trying so hard not to give any thing away..and its so frustrating..it shouldnt be like this..i should be able to do this by myself and i freaking cant..im a failure

geez how has my past effected me..i cant trust my own opinion..i always expect someone else to come along and do it better or tell me i did it wrong or yell at me about something..i cant stand to be asked what i want to do because i wonder why anyone would care what it is i think or want..i dont expect to be listened too..i dont expect to be noticed or wanted or cared for..i hate cleaning..i wait till the last minute to get things done..i feel guilty for wanting to do anything that doesnt involve anyone else..i dont like being called selfish or lazy..i don't consider myself to be good enough for anything...im not good enough..because im told im not good enough..i cant not go home ..even if i know ill be miserable and suicidal there.. i have to go because im expected to go..because thats what im supposed to do..i follow the rules to a fault and most of the time i dont even know what the rules are..i just know its something i have to do..or something im not supposed to do because it will cause trouble..or ill be in trouble..i cant speak up for myself because being noticed is just not a good thing..i cant have anyone walking behind me and not being able to see them..which made school a pain in the butt some days..i cant be touched by someone i don't know..even if its just on my arm or something..it took a couple of my teachers my entire time in the program before i would let them give me a hug when i went to see them..didn't really matter if i wanted one or not because i couldn't be touched and didn't like it at all..but somewhere in all of there asking i realized they were ok and wouldn't hurt me..took my old therapist all 5 years or so that i saw her.. i cant say whats on my mind..never the first thing anyway.. i have to think everything through from every possible angle..so i know what to expect..i have to watch more than talk because talking just leads to trouble..if im not noticed then thats still a good thing..my self worth/value depends on what others think of me and not the other way around..i have a hard time accepting compliments because i wonder who is lying to me and who isn't..i cant handle conflict..i cut, i burn, i starve, i b/p, geez i wonder if i would be blamed for killing myself if i 'accidentally' crashed my car into something..i cant kill myself because i wonder whether or not ill be able to go through with it and have it work..cas if it doesn't work and im saved then there will be hell to pay for trying..sometimes i want to run away from my life because i hate it so much...my thoughts race and i can give my a panic attack if i stress about some things way way to much, i hate being in a room thats completely dark sometimes..i don't remember anything..theres a part of me that refuses to grow and still seeks approval with a vengeance..i hate being told what to do..or what i should do from other ppl ( cause i do it all the time to myself) ..im ashamed of myself for my scars..im ashamed of who i am..i hate myself because i have too..because on some level thats what i think im told to do..if your told to always change then well theres something wrong with you that cant be fixed..so no im not good enough..i have to be everyone else..i have to keep everyone else happy..

blah..just lots of stuff..i dont know..so funny how i couldnt get my head together enough to tell her any of this..maybe ill just save myself the trouble and just take this next time..havent decided yet..kinda anxious about it all now..like that eventually someone will find out the whole story and (if anyone does then i would really like to be clued in on what has gone on with my life! PLEASE) then i just dont know..really dont

so what

god why do ppl always have to concern themselves with what i do or dont do..or what i eat ..or what i wear ..or how i look..what ever happened to me being old enough to do what i wanted to do without anyone else being able to say something about it? its not fair at all..my choice to call in sick today..my choice because its my job..my hours im not getting paid for..god i thought and worried about it all morning before finally deciding to call in the first place..because yvonne was here because tomorrow i have to be at riley and harris's house..becuase i have to do paperwork..because there were fraking things i needed to do and didnt have the time if i had to work today..ive gone to work sick ..i dont just miss days every week for the hell of it! god i have more sense than that..and i wouldnt just miss days because i dont want to go to work..that would be stupid.. that would end up with me losing my job .. so why would i do that? but why must everyone make comments about why im not at work? what concern is it of anyone else..im not asking for money to pay anything..ive worked my butt off these past couple months to make sure i would be able to pay bills and if i couldnt then i did when i had the extra money..geez i felt guilty wnough doing it in the first place..worrying about if they were going to be mad at me..or something..and i talked it over with yvonne and she didnt add pressure or anything at all..i told her i couldnt decide and she made me figure out what i had to do..and we spent the morning together..she came yesterday and spent the night since i couldnt go up there to see her..and we did dinner and watched movies at home and i got her a bday present of sorts..and we went out this morning and did some stuff and now im home again and she has headed back to school and im getting ready to do paperwork..no im not wasting the day in bed or anything..its so stupid..

and im probably over reacting in the first place..wasnt in the best of moods anyway from shopping for clothes this morning...everything is sleeveless or cut to low and i cant wear them..i could scream im so upset and annoyed over it..i mean its like a glaring sign pointed at me saying ive =been stupid and pretty much destroyed my body and it cant be fixed..and it is all my fault..and so i shouldnt be disappointed or hurt or anything but that doesnt stop it...went a few places and looked around and it was depressing on so many levels because i can only shop for certain things..and i have also been really really stupid and gained weight in the past year and that makes it harder to find clothes too..and it was all just to much today..and it just all turned into a big i hate you day..god if i could jump out of my skin i would just to get away from myself for a while..

a little worried

just because i was bored and didnt want to clean up i checked my blood pressure with riley and harris's dads thing..and it was highish..i really for the life of me cant remember the last time i went to the doctor and im not going now either..but i am worried a bit..my eating goes up and down so much ..not the healthiest either..i dont know i guess it would be stupid to say i dont want to be healthier..the question is i guess do i want to put the effort into it..i mean yea i want to do but i dont want to have to have a heart attack to do it. so i dont know..i dont want to have to take meds for it again..already done that once and stopped without a docs approval anyway..prolly not the brightest idea ive ever had either...hmm lots to think about though

life of late

kinda down right now..have been sense yesterday..( had to rethink about if it was saturday yet) but i mean i had planned on going to greenville this weekend to hang out with yvonne..before she left for the summer ..so we could do something for her birthday..and i had told mommy already..i told her i wanted to go and then i even ended up with a little extra money so i could go..only to be told yesterday that im needed to help riley with something.and i have to babysit him this weekend...mommy knew..i had told her ..and she didnt tell dee when she was talking about all this stuff..and them mommy tells me and its like oh well if it was me i would reschedule going out of town and stay here to babysit..yea well you would think that cas its always about money..not really about what i want..and so my plans get changed..and it st ill sucks..a full 24hrs later it sucks and im stuck at home and i really really needed to get away for the weekend...no i dont blame anyone i guess..i just wish i could have been able to say nope i have plans already cant babysit..but i felt to guilty..like i would have just left them all hanging or something..and then im just disappointed big time about it and all it cant be changed now..i just wanted to yell and scream yesterday when i found out about everything but i was at work..even considered cutting..but couldnt do that at work :( so just stayed dissapointed...but by this morning the disappointed had changed into no one likes you..no one cares..your not important..no idea how it changed..when the shift happened or even really why..but i thought about it this morning when i noticed it and couldnt really figure it out..i thought about it because im supposed to be trying to make a list to use to distract myself again from cutting..i did it twice week before last..wondering when my next meltdown will happen and ill do it again? im suppsoed to have the list incase..but then im still going back and forth between whether or not i even want the stupid thing..but i ended up making a deal with the doc about it.and she is going to keep tabs for me kinda..because i told her i couldnt do it by myself and be expected to stick to it or not stick to it .. so good or bad i still have to talk about it in some form or fashion..maybe it will help again..having someone else keep tabs for a while..dont know..but guess thats all

hmm looked for pictures for collages though..this morning when i was really scattered..it helped..so far i have 3 small ones..and in the process of another one..and i have one planned that i just havent had time to put together..so ill have to work on those..it gives me something to do when i run out of ideas..and its tedious enough that it does work as a distraction..guess ill be adding that one to my list..

blah

feeling mostly annoyed and anxious right now..completely annoyed that somenoe has been taking stuff out of my room while im not at home..all i have is a room and no one seems to respect that at all..hardish time over the weekend with feeling alone and being at work and just everything really..picking at my arm too..has been a long time since ive had scars to really pick at..and gave in last night as was picking at them for a while..tired and cranky..but once again because im stupid ill be up all night doing paperwork to turn in tomorrow..its going to be a long day and a stressful week ... oh and to make it even better.. its actually over $50 to fill up my gas tank...and if i get gas twice a week...yea..not to happy right now

im such a spazz

major alone feeling today..and as i wrote that i realized i could have worded it so much better..but basically just felt really alone today..not lonely either..but completely and utterly alone with everything..and its not a good feeling at all

but as i was writing an email a min ago..i realized something has been worrying me..and a lot of it has to do with trust..but i dont know how to really approach the topic either..i dont trust quickly at all.. i mean it takes me forever and ever to learn to trust someone..and its really hard..but with the new doc its like i keep going back and forth..im not sure yet how much i trust her..i want to i really do but something is really stopping me..i do try to talk and have brought up cutting..but then i zone out a lot when she is talking and its hard to focus on what im being told..but i go darn it..and that should be enough but its not...and it makes me feel stupid and really really childish to want to figure out what makes the doc tick...maybe im just looking to be flat out told to stop or that enough..-ok i really am a spazz- i need her to tell me what my boundaries are with her..without me having to ask..and if im being a pain in the butt..well as much of a pain as i can get away with then she would have to let me know when ive gone to far..she would have to tell me to stop and then explain it all to me..and i wont have to ask..does that seem stupid? i cant come right out and ask..i cant really let her know completely that i dont know anything when it comes to boundaries..but i want them..i need to have someone else put them in place though..and i think thats part of why i was so upset about having to cancel and then reschedule my appt..all ive been thinking about is talking to her and talking about cutting because i want to for some reason..but im not sure how far i can go with it and so im not sure whats ok and whats not to tell her...hmmm i dont know

i dont fit in anywhere...

mood kinda dropped a bit since this morning..was having one of my ok days..and im sure it prolly had something to do with that my arm is hurting so much i dont what to think about it..but its like i cant complain either..my pain...i did it..so suffer in silence..yet again .. and i really have no idea how it is ppl cant feel my scars through my shirt when they touch my upper arm? most of the time i end up jerking away anyway but when i dont..i wonder why no one asks..but anyway..was just thinking today ..well tonight that i dont fit in..and i keep looking for a place to belong and i cant seem to find it..i dont even know how to describe what im looking for..how will i know if i find it? how ill i know if i never find it? i just want a place to be myself..completely..regardless of everything..i want to be able to walk around in a tank top if i want too..or to wear shorts..and not have to worry about getting funny looks because of all the scars..i want to be able to say im having a crummy day and have someone tell me it will be ok..or to cry and not be laughed at..or to be able to talk without being afraid..safety..love..understanding..caring..i want all of it..and cant find it...im just alone ...

hmm

well incase i havent said it in a while..therapy is a pain in the butt

hmm other than that things are i dont know..could be better could be worse...i move my arm and the pain reminds me of what i did..i dont know really if im disappointed in myself or not you know..its just i freaked out big time monday night..and having to drive home in a hail storm did not make me feel the slightest bit better..and then i get home and need to concentrate on work stuff and just realize that my journal is missing..the newest one that i had been writing in..and with me and my memory issues i freaked out and looked everywhere i could think of and couldnt find it..freaked even more trying to remember what i had written about...cas mommy has read my journals before and i got in a lot of trouble and i stopped writing for the longest time...and i just kept thinking i would be dead if she read it..but im still worried ..i must have left it downstairs for a few days and didnt even realize it..didnt realize it was gone..and i had to calm down..cut my arm a lot..havent done the upper part of my arm in forever and it was like saying hi to an old friend..ok really bad way to describe that but thats really kinda like it was...i have really missed doing my arm..and to make it worse im now paranoid that mommy will find out..and pull up my sleeve and ill just be in even more trouble ..

but i talked about it some in therapy without of course mentioning i had done it the night before..and im a little shocked that i said it was worth it.. that i would take the hour of calmness that cutting brings..that it was worth it to cut so i could have that calmness..its like i staked my claim on being crazy on tuesday..thinking about it now i wonder why i didnt lie..or come up with something else..darn me for actually trying to talk and understand and be heard..funny i dont often consider lying when it comes to therapy and what not..i may not answer stuff but i rarely out right lie about stuff..takes more energy and time and dedication to not talk in the first place..but oh well..im sure ill have too figure it out at some point..

but on to other stuff...work is work..some days stressful..some days a lot of fun..im for sure going to disney world and have my own room in the resort! that rocks :) :) and im so excited about that..given im sure ill see more of riley and harris but ill still have my own room! and that rocks! and i get to ride on there private plane which rocks too...weather has been sucky..and guess thats about all

you know..

maybe coming home had its benefits..how ever slim and farfetching they may be..i have to wonder if things would have turned out different if i was still currently living on my own..well yea..id be able to do whatever i wanted without worrying about having to explain myself and what ive done..i wouldnt hate coming home..but on the other side i would also be still struggling more than i am now iwth money and getting things paid..yea its still a struggle but i know i have enough to pay my immediate bills and have a little left over..to do other stuff with..but being home also means i have to put up with everything from everyone else and in a way learn what it is that bothers me so much..and its either work on it now or leave it all alone until i really do crack under the pressure so to speak..and i did crack a bit the other week and things really truly sucked big time..but that also meant i had to think about it and all that came with it you know..maybe this is the place to learn about standing up for myself and doing what i have to inorder to take care of myself..its not gonna happen tomorrow..but it will one day..and i hope that in the time im at home..god i hope im gone by next summer..but i hope ill be able to figure things out..have to have some place to get my priorities in order.and if i had to choose i certainly wouldnt choose doing it at home..but i guess thats just how things work out...if i wasnt home and constantly on the verge of backing down i wouldnt have managed to talk myself into going back to therapy in the first place..and thats as good a starting place as any!!?!

really truly thinking

everyone run for cover..i think the world may end..im more postive than ive been in forever

the past few weeks have been really hard yea..im not going to go and complain about it all again now ..been there..done that..but yea it was hard ..and then the other night i was thinking about something that i cant seem to remember now but it was along the lines of being ok with myself..and then it went away again..and then today i was just randomly reading a fitness magazine..cas i do every so often just for the heck of it..and i started thinking again about how i should want to do stuff for me not for anyone else yes scary i know lol..i heard the quote umm "be the change you want to see in the world" a million times doing my last couple college years..i think it was the motto for the social work dept..but i heard it a lot and never really took it to heart or anything it had turned into something to say..but then i left and havent tthought about it in forever?! and then today all of a sudden its in my head again..and its like holy cow where did that come from..sometimes i think its more tiring being so sad all the time..and im sad most of the time about a million different things..shoot sometimes im just sad and i have no idea why...maybe it is time to start working harder and getting things done..maybe i should put more effort into making time to do stuff i like whatever that may be and i mean big stuff not the little stuff either..haha i should write a self help book

its funny in a way cas i guess its just so very easy to get caught up in everything i dont have or cant do or dont want to do..but i think im ready to be heard you know..which means ill have to give up some control and im not sure im rady for that..what would happen if i really truly talked? would the world really end? would i go to hell? would i drop dead on the spot for talking about something that happened years ago? how come the fear doesnt go away...some how it has been worked out inside and its like all the hard stuff is just surrounded by fear..that if i say anything then something really bad would happen..what i dont know..i dont think anyone really knows..but just that it would be bad and should be avoided at all costs..so everything stays inside..and just builds and builds..and things get hard at home and i fall apart just to be put quickly back together again so no one will know..i feel stupid saying i dont know how to talk but i dont..i can put words into a sentence..i can talkabout all the little stuff..but ask about the scars on my arm and i forget how to utter every single word i know..thoughts still run through my head but nothing is coming out..ask me about being a kid and i cant come up with anything..it doesnt make sense..what do i have to do ?!? sit at the wall that blocks everything out and start picking at it until i get something? anything to come back? i say i want to know but do i really? but if i dont start somewhere will i always be so up and down ? so unsettled in everything? afraid of everything? and whats to say i wont change my mind tomorrow and not want to know anything anymore? what if im ok being sad and upset and not knowing why..but on some level i know thats not true either..i hate not knowing the why behind stuff..i hate not being able to remember..but im just afraid to know the truth

just wanted to note

...tonight while i was talking to myself on the drive home..it was on the tip of my tongue to say that i didnt need anyone else to determine my self worth..i wanted to say it and it wasnt that i was afraid of saying ..more of i was afraid of what it implies..but maybe one of these days i will be ok with liking myself..yep one of these days i will



..shocking only because normally im so comfortable with hating myself and not really putting much effort into it at all..but tonight it was the oppisiite..i want to like myself i do..i want to figure out what makes me happy..that was my other talking to myself topic tonight lol..heck i can talk abuot a lot of stuff in 30 mins trying to stay awake enough to drive home!

thinking about a lot to say the least!

im ok

words hurt...a lot of the time i hate what im being told..doesnt matter who its coming from you know..it all depends on who is saying it and the meaning they want to come across..last weekend in a group im in i was asked to help with something and i did and the other person just got really upset and said a bunch of really hurtful things..didnt matter that i was reading it..and i was under the impression that i was being helpful and not messing everything up..but it wasnt like that ..and i ended up really hurt and upset and pissed off big time..because once again no one tells me what they are really thinking..and once again i just felt they were sorry because i say it and called them on it before they wanted me too..and it was just your not sorry you did it..your sorry your caught..just like everyone else ive ever had this happen with..im not stupid and im not a child..i may be quiet and let a lot of things get by me but sometimes i dont let that happen..and i listened to all the apoligizes and invites to tell me i was welcome to stay in the group..and i just wanted to tell her to leave me the hell alone..but i stuck to my choice to wait a week..and calm down and really think about what happened and why and what i thought about it..and its like i did it..i had my chance to vent and yell in a journal..i worried and stressed and wondered about it..and i still said the occasional hi to them in other places..and then today i started posting just a little bit ..and it wasnt the same..i realized i wasnt ok with being there anymore..no matter how much i wanted to stay..i just wasnt ok with being there and knowing about the staff board and knowing what was written about me and not being able to see it or have access to it..im paranoid enough..i dont need help..and not from a place that is supposed to offer support you know..im not setting myself up to always be left wondering if im doing something wrong..i have that at home i dont need it online too..maybe i was so desperate to be validated and accepted that i shared more than i should have and opened up to fast and so i ended up hurt because i trusted them..i trusted that it was safe to talk and ok to talk..and it turned out that it wasnt...and i had to realize that ..and not force myself to stay..and i sent them a message..letting them know rather politely why it was i couldnt stay..and im ok with it..im ok with how i did it..im not proud of myself or anything..but just ok..i stood up for myself..i said what i was thinking..and i cant control there reactions..i just have to remember that

oh yeah

topic of the day...resistance and priorities..i knew i was forgetting to do something lol

so i was advised to think on why i resist good stuff so much *insert rolled eyes here please* because i really just want to tell her that she hasnt even begun to touch on my real resistance..geez im not trying to brag but good grief if i had to be good at something then resistance it is .. i find it funny really because most ppl have no real idea in the first place..and the few who do stop questioning after a while i suppose..i find it comforting to know on some levels that there is no one really who can hold out against all of it..i don't expect anyone to hold out through all of it..maybe thats it..if i don't expect it then i cant be disappointed when they leave or give up ... heck i resist myself to a point! but anyway..why resist the good stuff..well the most basic and straightforward answer would be because i know i dont deserve it..because i haven't earned the right to be told im good at anything or told anything good about myself..why when im told every other day that i suck and im not good enough..who should i believe..mommy or everyone else?? because im so used to being told whats wrong with me that i cant trust that someone else is telling me the truth..like what have i done to earn anyones love or good comments?? why would anyone waste there time and energy on making me feel better about something? so yea i resist because i dont want to be lied too..i dont want to be laughed at..yes i would rather be told i suck than im nice or good or something..hmm guess thats depressing in a way..

now for priorities..for the life of me i cant figure mine out..i mean what am i doing with my life..all i do is work work work..when i can .. i do collages..or read or update my journal..or color..or something small that i can do and not be interrupted with..and thats mostly done at night when im by myself ..but besides all that what am i doing ..what do i want out of life im guessing..or even jut want do i want out of myself here..right now?? do i even have goals anymore ?? do i have anything to work towards at all ? still need to think about this one

keep looking at this and being unable to come up with anything at all to say..lots going on in my head but as soon as i think about writing it all goes away again..

im really tired..havent been sleeping to good the past couple nights..


had a puppy today for like 30 mins before it ran away ..ugh are yard is not closed in at home and so just tying the scared puppy to the pole and leaving was not a good idea but she couldnt go in the house either..im sad she ran away and i couldnt keep her..i hope she is safe because we live in the county kinda and cars speed down that road and a lot of animals end up getting hit..but still hoping a little she will find her way back..she let me pet her though..and she sat still for me and that was nice...

work was stressful today..and thats all im saying on that one ..

but yea..mostly just to tired for my own good

ive picked the heck out of my fingers..i dont know why i kept at it even after i made most of them bleeding..i still kept picking and then it was just like hooly crap..i shouldnt have done that..and i really shouldnt have but i cant magically make my fingers all better..ill be lucky if they dont get infected..i need to cut my fingernails and maybe that will help..

tired..another night of being so sidetracked and putting off paperwork..i suck

the internet

getting hurt online hurts just as bad as if i was standing in a room with someone..just because im a million miles away and wont see you tomrrow means absouletly nothing..im not a robot here..im not pretending..im not a child..but i will not pretend either that what was said wasnt true or hurtful or anything..what exactly would you expect someone to think??

i wake up and wonder why it is im not dead yet still..wonder why it is i still am thinking and dreaming and worrying..why cant i succeed at just one thing..but why must i want to be good at dying? what sense does that make at all?? oh i dont know..my head has been confusing lately..i dont know what i want anymore but then i do know what i want but i dont know how to get it..i hate everything right now..i dont want to really do anything at all..still a struggle to get by..i dont want to be around mommy but i have to.i dont want to be around anyone really..serious touch issues right now..feel so unheard..but how can i be heard if i dont speak? who listens to me? no one? anyone? no..no one listens to me..why should i speak..i have nothing to say..ill never have anything to say..

during the play therapy thing the other night the lady talked about how one of the her cls told her once that his anger went all the way up to god..seriously that is a lot of anger but i wonder then..how big is my anger and what do i do with it? it seems silly to even have to ask how big my anger is because i want to say i dont get mad..but i do get mad and then i push it all away until im not mad anymore..or i just get so mad i cant sit still or do anything and i have to cut to make it go away or purge to make it go away..but it never really goes anywhere does it? how do you let out anger and know its gone for good? ? my anger just grows..forever and ever it will just grow..until it runs out of space i suppose..

i suppose things are getting back into some sort of order..and going to the play therapy thing last night did help..but even with that and everything i know things are still really close to be pushed over again..or i guess it would be better to say im really close to being pushed over again..but trying hard to be ok enough to get by for now..not to pleased with my actions of late but i wont get into all of that because its not to bad or anything and the scars wont be noticed..so its just another day right..things cant really get any worse right now..and its just ive stopped bothering to do anything with my time..instead i just wait becuase ive learned more this past week that it really doesnt matter what i have planned..because if im needed to do something else then screw my schedule..because it doesnt matter anyway..i freak out because im trying to fit everything in but no one else really cares at all as long as i make time for them and to do stuff for them..so much for having time to take abreak this week..i really needed that break and instead i just got more and more stuff added on that i still needed to do..and because of it all ive been late for work and stuff..im told family comes first..but it seems im the only one in the family that doesnt really matter as much

still sad..still upset..but not suicidal anymore for now at least..struggling..and back to being really quiet..

but for other stuff

last night i went to play therapy overview kinda for my job..it was one of those continuing education things that some jobs 'heavly reccomend' that you do last night was the play therapy one and i was signed up because i well like working with kids..and the stuff we did was really cool..wished i had been in a better space to try more of them but watching was cool too..

but ive decided..im going back to school be a play therapist i could never come up with an answer when i was asked and it was just yea im planning to get my masters i just couldnt deicide what i wanted it to be in or where i wanted to go..so now ive decided lol..and still dont know where to go but its something

at least i got out of bed

my head is quieter today..but still all over the place..i still have a headache..still feel id ont know really dejected about everything and nothing..all the self critiscm just refuses to stop right now and gee i have a lot..hmm maybe it would be better to say im not really feeling anything at all..im doing enough to go to work and do my job but even then i can zone out just a bit there too...i have some class thing i have to take and i hope i make it to it..all ireally want to do right now is go back to bed and forget im still breathing..wondering when mommy is going to call to tell me what extra stuff to do today..and i have to keep reminding myself not to argue about it cas i always lose anyway..already thinking of what i can move around to give more time to her..all i do is plan and replan in my head lately..running commentary of everything i need to do, have to do, want to do, and even dont want to do..constantly changing and moving things to make time for someone else..my arm doesnt hurt anymore either..i want to cut..wanted to cut last night again but i didnt..cleaned instead..want to cut today and i probably will at some point..just to make things stop for a bit so i can focus enough to get ready to go to work..because already im gonna be late if i dont leave in like 20 mins..and i wont be ready in 20 min so its just another thing to had to my list of failures..you know it is suddenly so much easier to see every measly thing ive failed out when i have someone pointing them out to me so i know what to look for again..it was stupid of me to think things would be ok at home..really was..

its as if

it feels like my head has crack and every single thought i have is trying hard to come out and claim its spot..every silly or mean or annoying or bad thought ..not good stuff cas im not in a good mood right now but all the other stuff..just random comments and thoughts and i cant seem to get rid of them at all

i really need to calm down..but i cant..i feel to scattered to really do anything or be any good to anyone..i guess ill be ok tomorrow..more like i hope ill be ok but the way my head is right now im really not holding my breathe any..it feels like ive just broken into a million little pieces and im waiting for someone to glue me back together because i cant seem to do it..

cutting didnt really help this time..but i was in a rush when i did it..all im thinking about is cutting and eating and then not eating but still cutting and none of it freakin helps..i dont know what i want to do at all but it doesnt involve going home..but i can only brag my feet for so long over here..ill have to go home eventually and tomorrow it will all start over again..

why dont i just make it easier and keep of list of whts wrong with me so that no one will have to keep telling me..yes i know im stupid and mean ive been told that a million times..it makes no difference really what i think anyway..

how is it possible for me to offer my help and do everything im asked and still its just not enough..i dont know why i bothered getting a job anyway..it doesnt matter at all because it just cuts into the time i have to devote to everyone else..ohw stupid of me to go and try to work and keep my own bills paid and then offer to help with other stuff..how stupid of me to not put family first..because that is what is expected of me..that is what im told..how could i not devote my time to doing things for my brothers and sisters instead of getting to work on time or anything else? im sorry i dont do enough ok. im sorry i even bothered to think i was doing enough. im just sorry for being here

how

please tell me hos its possible that i was supposed to be getting time off this week to just catch up and do some stuff i wanted to do..and yet im busier this week than i was last week when i had my usual cl work..god i dont need anymore freakin free time..i cant seem to keep what i have..and it so annoying that i say im going to use the time to just do other stuff and as soon as mommy found out i wasnt working as much its turned into i need you to do this and this and this and im so stressed out right now i dont know what to do because all my free time is being used running errands all over the place and i cant do all of that and what im expected to do and i cant even say no to anything now..because i was trying ot be nice and telling mommy i would help becuase she is working extra this week and she hurt her ankle last week and i was trying to be helpful and not argue and so i said i would help some but now its like i have to do all this stuff and well to bad if i end up being late to work because i have to take nia to work..i have to be at work at 1 i have to go and pick up nia at 12 to drive her a half hour out of the way of everything and then turn back around and hope traffic isnt so bad and i can even get to work on time..and then all the extra paperwork im still catching up on and not being able to sleep without nightmares..got five hours off and on last night and stayed up doing paperwork until i fell asleep at my comp only to wake up this morning to finish it enough to turn it in and then ended up meeting with my supervisor this morning while i was there an they are coming out to my job and i had to take someone some place for mommy and so now i have enough time to put on clean clothes and run back out to take nia and go to work and after work i have to go to the library because i have books out and then i may or may not have to go help mommy at work and tomorrow im busy all day with work stuff but im sure somehow mommy will get some time out of me and then friday i alraedy know im babysitting and thats when they come back from there trip and i have to go over there and will prolly be there all weekend again..just like every other weekend of my miserable existence..so no i dont freaking need anymore free time i cant keep the time i have and everyone else is more freakin important than i am so im expected to just drop everything else to do what someone else wants..i want this week to be over right now

i feel like my head is going to crack..all ive been doing is constantly going over what i have to do and what time i have to be places and then having to go back and change stuff and try to add more stuff and wondering why in the hell there are only 24 hours in a day..whos bright idea was that because obviously i need at least 30 to even begin to handle everything i need to get done..

trying hard

so its monday..back to work..back to everything i put off all weekend. trying really hard to get some sort of schedule for work paperwork going..i actually moved all of my computer stuff downstairs cas working in my room just took to long cas the tvs right there and all my movies and i can never stay on task..at least in the den im in the back of the room and its just my comp right there and its easier to focus for longer periods of time..and i managed almost 2 hours before i let myself take a break...still have a bunch of work to do but ill work for a bit longer and then ill have to finish later on when im done at work and after running a few errands..and then it will be back to work on paperwork stuff..i mean i do have to admit that not doing it all in my bedroom does help..i always laugh when i read that youknow your supposed to keep your bed room for just sleeping and its like umm i think i do everything but sleeping in my room lol..gosh its just my room is the only place i really have at home and so i do everything in there and thats why there are always things to distract me..and it does help that i have a meeting this morning with my supervisor to yet again get help on one set of my notes..its a pain in the butt and i really could just slap myself for not saving the last ones because now i have to retape a weeks worth of two sets of notes to redo them..and that bites big time! but guess i better get going

just aggravated

anxious a bit ..but mostly just pissed off and now a bit sad..funny how after anger comes saddness..maybe i just skip the anger part and go straight to sad..i dont know..but its just they were fighting downstairs and mommy is freaking out and still in a seriously pissed off mood in that they actually fought in the house..but they knocked junk over and thankfully nothing was broken..but john john was nice enough to apoligize and help me clean the mess up..and montrell just keeps going on and on about it and yelling about all this stuff that doesnt matter..

and makes me mad that he is constantly looking to blame someone else for what he did..and then when he is confronted about it he lies and denies it and its like damn you i just watched you do this or no one else was home so who did it? and he still lies and swears his innocence..god how many times as a kid was i hit for something he did? how many times now did i ask mommy not to let him come back and stay..and still he is here..its like why do i bother trying at all about some stuff you know..

no i didnt have the perfect childhood..yea it owuld be nice if i could remember any of it..but no it wasnt perfect..yes i have a lot of issues now..but no i am not blaming someone else for the stuff i do..god im sure mommy would be pleased if i said someone else cut me instead of her having to deal with me doing it..but i dont ..some things theres just no point in lying about..and its like the things i do and the things i think dont have to define who i am..i dont go looking for pity or want someone to feel sorry for me..i dont talk for that reason and i can feel sorry enough for myself for everyone..but i guess when it comes down to it i dont have to be defined by what ive been dx'd with..i just happen to be me and all of my other stuff i just have to deal with and id say that i do ok most of the time..some days im so off the wall i dont know what to do with myself but then eventally it goes away for a bit..i hate that ppl use dx's as excuses or what happened to them as excuses..it makes it harder i guess for the ppl who really try to make something of there lives regardless of everything..

blah

no matter how much i sleep lately im always tired


again

tonight

i had to take a recert class for restraint training tonight..and i was stressing over it a lot..but im done with it already..and as much as i hate to say it ..the class was a little disappointing..maybe its because i have already had to use restraints..ive had to talk kids down from going all over the place..and i have watched an 8 yr old kid completely beat up a 4yr old because he wanted too and could..i dont like doing it but i guess i trust that i can if i had too...and the restraint classes i had to take at my old job were seriously hard core restraints..the lady running it could have u on the ground in a minute flat..didnt matter how big you were..and looks can be deceiving cas the lady was as big around as a pencil but she knew her restraints and she taught them well..we had to really fight to get out of her holds and even the holds we practied on each other..more so why i hated it..cas i couldnt get out of some of them without seriosuly trying..and tonights class was ok..it did the basics and i know it was a recert but i just dont know..its like it was sugar coated a little bit..i was really surprised that i was the only one ther not counting the instructor that had even used a restraint..a real one..oh well maybe its not a big deal..im not worried much about having to use them with the cl's i have now..maybe im just in a complaining mood...i dont know..but im glad its over and done with for another year!

more free time than usual today and a lot of back and forth to home and other places..have to do some rewrites for work and that is just annoying the crap out of me..im barely keeping up with what i have to do for the week and i hate having to add on more to redo..ugh...gonna have to actually set aside time to work on them..and have them explained to me yet again..stupid me cant seem to get the hang of them..

another day

im not sad..but im not happy either..reallyy tired though..funny how i get 4 hours of sleep monday night and im up all day and barely feel tired but last night i got 7 or so hours and i feel like im going to fall asleep at any minute.. tomorrow im working much later and i dont have to go in friday evening..so i am excited about that..im done with work on friday at 3 and that doeesnt happen to often at all! but that also menats im working until 8:30 tomorrow night which i dont mind at all..ill just have to keep myself busy though lol...and tonight im not working either becuase i have pri training to do..not looking forward to it at all..i hate doing the restraints..but i have to have the training ..blah..so im just hoping it really doesnt go all the way to 9!but otherwise ..things in the world of work are alright..sometimes stressful..most of the time a lot of fun though..i mean really thinking about my job is like getting to play for 6hours .. who else can have a job description that says they are getting paid to color or watch movies, or go to the library and the park?! i mean im not complaining i do like my job ..its just that i realized the other day that i like my job because its easy..its not challenging in the slightest..i know my job..i can do my job and im ok with that for now..but it just feels like anyone could do this you know..given im also working with the babies and i do need my degree for that but the other ones its like i dont know..but for my schedule i do like the hours and that i have the freedom to change them around..i can handle not having benefits..just gotta stop getting sick..towards the end of this month i should be figuring out what my actually steady paycheck will be and that will help with bills and getting things paid you know..managing a bit with therapy and setting aside money for that..once i know what my paychecks will be i guess ill have to put some real effort into making and sticking to a budget! gotta chill on the impluse buys lol..rats for really wanting a new movie or cd or something..so lots of different stuff to work on ..really want to start saving but gas is killing me and for now im still stuck borrowing from mommy to keep gas in my tank..seriously its like 80 bucks a week in gas..totals to over 300 a month for gas and its a pain in the butt! and there are other things i want to do too..like i figured out i have to celebrate yvonnes birthday with her before her actually birthday cas she isnt going to be here this summer..and i want to find her something good for her birthday and figure out what her schedule is like around the first of may..and im still waiting on the final word of if im going to disneyworld or not..and a bit worried cas coming back from cali seriously killed my mood..dont really know why..i just had a really hard time adjusting back..and it really sucked..this trip wouldnt be that long but still ..a bit worried..

i find it funny that i need outside regulators to stabilize my mood..i cant do it by myself..i feel like a failure because i cant do it by myself..yet i cant say therapy doesnt help at least a little..heck im sure if i went and just stared at the floor for an hour i would swear i felt better..but then i hate talking so i find staring at the floor to be very helpful lol..doesnt take much to please me..went yesterday and am thinking about a lot of stuff from that..but still processing all of that i think...got the suggestion to write down you know what it is i think about myself..kidna what i hear in my head and do a negative and positive list..and just cas im curious i do actually plan on doing that..dont know yet if im going to show it to the doc or not but ill do it..cas now i want to know..i thought about it a little yesterday and had like a bunch of things on the bad side and like 2 on the good side..not really balanced there you know..so going to give it a bit of thought but it still is really hard figuring out the good stuff through all the not so good stuff..and bad stuff wins out every single time...

hmmm went out to dinner last night with mommy and nia and montrell and actually ordered something new..had a veggie burger with pineapple slices and teriyaki sauce.. was pretty good ..not something i would usually order but decided i was a bit sick of the reg veggie burgers..it was killer messy though lol ..still having ttrouble deciding if im going to stick with being vegetarian or not..i keep saying yes..then changing it and saying no..or trying to make it easier for someone else and just going along with what ever is being offered at the moment..cas thats just how i am i suppose..but i really do need to make up my mind..makes no sense to keep going back and forth..trying to chill out on the fast food and eat more fruits but as usual after a couple days i just kinda stop caring and forget what i said i was going to do..same old same old...

just the usual stuff going around my head..

sudenly in a semi bad mood..incredibly tired and cranky..and its my fault..nothing new there

not much..

back to feeling normal..back to having a clearish head and thinking without getting a headache. finally woke up this morning and didnt wish to go back to bed cas i didnt feel good..i think not babysitting this weekend and just ended up having a lot of time to myself helped..but it did also bore me to tears..ran errands today for a bit..and yesterday took mommy a few places cas she hurt her ankle at work and wont listen to the docs and stop triyng to walk on it but shes doing better..i was killer pissed off that she didnt fill her prescription for vicodin..bad bad me but temptations can be a pain and well having those lying around with no one taking them would have made my weekend..but nothing to worry about cas she didnt get it filled cas she doesnt like taking them..so no zoning out for me..but had a semi bad day yesterday..pretty much ended up feeling incredibly stupid and worthless after 5 mins in the car with mommy..wanted to cut but didnt..but now i remember why it is i dont like ppl being in my car! everyone seems to have a problem with my messy car..but its like seriously why does it matter so much to them?! i clean it when i can..and i know its a bit messy now but i live out of my car during the week and im sorry i dont have the time to go and vaccumm it whenever it needs to be done..

my car is still a mess..to busy..was to sick to bother with it..no time..never have enough time..doesnt help that i waste time a lot or forget what im doing a lot..so at some point i know it will get done i just dont know when..and i guess a better question would be why do i even have to clean my car becuasue someone else wants me too? blah i hate my incessant need to have someone elses approval..but it will always be the same thing i suppose..get yelled at for something..feel horrible..think about it for a while..and then spend the rest of me life making whatever wrong i did better..that takes an awful lot of time..story of my life...

did some cleaning yesterday when i got back home..cooked two seperate dinners.. cas im back in vegetarian phase it seems..and no one will eat my veggie food lol..so i had to cook two dinners last night..and both turned out good..it was just chili..so now i also have dinner premade for part of the week ...trying hard again to pay more attention to what i eat..really have been eating fast food way to much cas its so easy to stop and pick up on the way to somewhere else..and its soooo unhealthy eating it like 4 times a week..so trying harder to eat at home.not like i have money to keep stopping and spending a few bucks every day on junk food..so im hoping planning meals a bit more will help..as long as it doesnt go overboard yet again you know...

hmm nothing else to interesting going on..usual stuff..slacking on work stuff again so all my free time today will have to go to that so i can catch up on it to turn it in tomorrow..

sidenote

when i ws in therapy last week..and being asked all the usual pretherapy questions...she got around to asking me if i wass abused as a child and of course i was a smart ass and asked what her definition of abuse was..just cas i didnt want to say yes or no..but anyway she asked if i was sexually abused and i said no without a second thought..the funny part is i didnt give a definite no to any other question she gave me..i played around and used i dont know a heck of a lot..but with that particular question it was a flat out no..and i dont give many of those..wonder if it means i was just lying..or i didnt want her to know ..or i didnt want me to know..confusing to say the least

weird dream

last night i had a really really weird dream and i wanted to write about it but of course as soon as i woke up fully i couldnt remember much of it..and what i did remember just makes no sense what so ever..and its confusing cas i keep trying to remember what happened to make other things happen and i just cant figure it out..so what i do remember is..

im in this place that ill call a school for lack of anything else and really not knowing what the place was..but it had desks and a bunch of other ppl..and im there and there is a guy sitting next to me..dont know who the guy was but i just know it was a guy..and for some reason im so so so mad at him..again i dont have the slightest idea why i am..but he is like one of the ppl in charge.. ok seriosuly im about to say i dont know how i know that but i just do and im starting to wonder if this was even a real dream! blah it had to come from smoewhere..so he was one in charge and im mad at him and somehow i decide to get back at him and start cutting my hand..dont know what im using but whatever it is its good because there is blood all over the place..and he sees and asks what im doing and i of course say im not doing anything..and he is trying to take away what ever it is im using..and im trying to keep it and im swearing up and down that i wasnt doing anything and that nothing is wrong and its like im ignoring the fact that my hand is seriously bleeding. in all of this..im guessing eventually he gets it away from me..but thats all for that part..before all of that happened i think i tried to kill myself..and i dont know what the pretense for that was but i kept thinking why was i trying to kill myself..and what made me want to kill myself..and i think maybe that might have been why i was so mad at this guy..or i might have just been mad it didnt work..i dont know..but its just so confusing..because a couple other things happened but im not able to even piece any of it together because i dont remember...ugh

am really surprised that i feel more settled..but that is the way it worked before too..when i was forced into therapy. freak out before the appt and then calm down until it was time to go again..maybe this time around ill be able to stay calmer. really will have to work harder at talking though. i just hate the thought of spending the rest of my life in and out of therapy. hated it while i was in school, kinda hate it now..but its more of an indifference now..no i dont plan on mentioning to anyone that i am going again but ill go..hate that somehow i got around to thinking that therapy means ive failed in some big way becasue i need help..but at the same time i dont have a problem with anyone else being in therapy. go if you need it and i hope it helps..but darnit im not supposed to need help..im not supposed to crack under the pressure of everything..and i do all the time..its just done in such a way that no one even knows..or bothers to know and so it doesnt really matter..

isnt that all thats important though? what i come across as? if i look like a functioning adult in society then why would anyone really care about anything else? ive already graduated once from college, i have a job, i can kinda support myself..im doing what im expected to do..what im supposed to do..so as long as it is assumed that i have everything i want what is there to complain about? no guess theres not much to complain about from that stand point

but on to other stuff

still not feeling good..still have to do other stuff because mommy said so..inaddition to working today as usual..how is it that i never have time to myself unless its at night and then its so late i just want to go to bed..all i wanted today was the morning to myself to sleep in a little and get some stuff done for work and catch up on emails..but then im asked to take my nephew to look for a job..like i have nothing else to do with my time..like i dont have other things i need to get done..or even that i dont feel good and may not want to do anything until i have to go to work..no it doesnt work like that...and so my morning gets eaten up once again doing stuff for someone else and all my stuff i had to do just has to wait until later on..

did some art work lalst night..finally used my storage collage stuff ..so ill have to start looking again for pictures and things i want for later collages..

lately

decided to start this one here cas well if nothing else..i tend to ramble at times..

So been really out of sorts the past week or so..maybe i shouldnt do long trips again..dont know why coming back hadd such a big effect..dont know if coming back was the cause of the serious depression that it brung..no idea really but thinking about it yea coming back was just hard..

feeling sick and drained and just flat out tired right now..but also noticed that i hadnt done anything i have really liked or wanted to do for a couple weeks..disneyland doesnt count either lol..like no reading or doing art work..or really watching a movie just because i wanted to do it and not because i happened to be in the same room as someone watching tv..coloring doesnt count as much anymore cas i do that a lot at work..it keeps me busy and occupied but since i do it at work i dont want to do it at home as much..so maybe ill clean up my messed up room a bit and work on a collage or something..maybe it will help my mood some..

found out earlier this week..that well im going to disneyworld next month with the family i babysit for..a 4 day trip..and i am excited to go but at the same time im a little weary of going too..dont know why though cas this trip has been on and off for a couple years now..and there mom always said that when they went i was going too..and i am..and they are paying for me to go..and all i have to do is show up and spend 4 days playing pretty much..but in a way it is still a working trip you know..im being paid for my time with them for the most part..and heck im not complaining or anything but i dont know..maybe ill be feeling a bit more stable by the time we go..really hope i am!

went to therapy yesterday and it was ok..i was super super spazzing out and nervous and so inattentive without meaning to be..but i just couldnt really focus and my head was going a mile a mintue and i was distracted..and so she kept asking me questions and i had to keep asking her to repeat them cas i forgot what she asked..but willing to give her a try and see where it goes..she lowered her price a bit for me on the sliding scale and i do appreciate that but ill still have to start budgetting more carefully to make sure ill be able to afford it..so worried a bit about paying for next week but hoping it works out and ill be able to go to my appt..and then hopefully ill be a bit more stable in a couple months and ill know what to expect paycheck wise and it will be easier..so for now ill see how it goes..and until the doc pointed it out i really wasnt noticing how much i was/am working..theres not any time left for me to do anything really

its just not fair

i was having a good day..i really really was..once yvonne got here i was ok and calm and everything..and we watched a movie with everyone and then we played taboo becuase we had enough ppl..and i was still ok..bit on edge about mommmy coming home but oh well..and the drive to the resturant was fine..it was me, nia and yvonne in my car..and most of the way we talked about a lot of different stuff...but then we got to dinner..and i just started to fall apart in some way that i dont understand completely..its just there are 6 ppl at the table and its like i wasnt even there after a while..everyone talked and i tried to add stuff but its like i wasnt being heard..so i just kinda faded into the background..listened and was just there but without being there..its like i dont fit into my own family..im not loud enough..im not happy enough..i tried really really hard today to stay happy and it just didnt work..maybe i cant be happy..i dont know..just feel like crying because its like nothing is ever good enough..and no matter what i do im not able to keep up the image for long and in the end something always gives and im just left feeling lost..feel stupid for not being able to be present i guess and stay ok...it was really important to do that today and i failed


b/p this morning...cant remember the last time i did that..maybe a couple months..i dont know..seems to be a failing sort of day

song

Idina Menzel I Stand Lyrics


When you ask me, who I am…
What is my vision? And do I have a plan?
Where is my strength? Have I nothing to say?
I hear the words in my head, but I push them away.

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there’s a better place.
I don’t know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

And I don’t know
What tomorrow brings
The road less traveled
will it set us free?
Cause we are taking it slow,
these tiny legacies.
I don’t try and change the world;
But what will you make of me?

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,


I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there’s a better place.
I don’t know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

With the slightest of breezes
We fall just like leaves
As the rain washes us from the ground
We forget who we are
We can‘t see in the dark
And we quickly get lost in the crowd

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there’s a better place.
I don’t know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

hmm i think my allergies are acting up...didnt even really realize that it was spring and the pollen all over my car annoyed me and then yesterday i really didnt feel good and its like oh..spring..some years it doesnt bother me at all..and some years its a reall pain in the butt..so started taking some over the counter stuff and im hoping it will help..

still more in a bad mood than anything else...being sick doesnt help much..but i cant seem to keep my mood ok anymore..also i dont want to do anything at all..if i didnt have to work i think i would just stay in bed..if i could get out of work and didnt seriously need the money i would stay in bed..so i guess its a good thing i worry so much about money and working..back to being tired all the time now..i dont want to do my paperwork and im falling behind again with it..i have a lot to do and i cant seem to get myself in gear..i organize and set it all up but when it comes to writing it i just sit there and stare at the screen..hoping maybe that the words will magically fill the screen for me.. and even though i know i have to turn it in i hate doing it..and so i keep talking myself out of it..and just keep falling behind ..

i suck

@

i really havent been in a good mood lately...and i dont really know why..sometimes im ok but most of the time i just stay pissed off about just about everything..its a pain in the butt..because i dont like being so upset all the time..prolly why i was able to talk myself into calling about therapy..and that makes me mad too..i really hate that everything i want to do or have to do gets a back seat to what everyone else has to do..i have to take nia to school and work in the morning this week because mommy has to go to work early..and even before when i have to take her i let her know what time we are leaving the night before and she is never on time..doesnt matter if i had told her i really needed to leave because i had something to do for work or something..no shes always late coming out..but if she has somewhere to be at a certain time then she is up and ready to go and rushing me to hurry uup even if its before when i planned on leaving and then shes pissed off cas she was late or something..but if i get mad about being late ..no one really seems to care or it just doesnt matter..and my work schedule has to work around someone elses schedule and i dont think thats fair at all..that just really annoyed me this morning..not my fault she doesnt have her license..i got mine and i got it becuase i needed it..she needs hers and wont freaking go and get..i was scared about driving too..still am..but i do it..and a lot of it was i did hate having to always ask ppl to take me places..and she wants to keep saying she is just scared of driving and cant get her license..but god driving 30 miles away to take her to work or to pick her up in killer traffic..or driving her to school at 7 in the morning..isnt so cool after a while ..its just a pain

soooo

i really wouldnt mind if the world ended like right now...i really wouldnt..drove myself up the wall with making phone calls this morning about therapy and i feel the need to say im going to regret actually setting up an appt but i did it..even though i really thought the phone grew horns while i was sitting there looking at it..good grief i can come up with some off the wall stuff when i really really dont want to do anything...but eventually i just had to yell at myself to calm down and call and once i got started some of the fear went away but it still pretty much sucked..and i therapy is killer expensive ..i dont know how ppl do it without insurance but then i guess im about to find out..called a bunch of places and asked for prices and there were some places that sounded really nice but im sorry i can not do like over a 100 bucks a session..i would have to save up to go to therapy! that makes no sense at all and you would think ppl could make it just a little bit cheaper..but the place i have an appointment at has a sliding scale based on income and well it helps that my income really isnt that impressive...not with other bills and everything..so i guess ill just have to go and see..and im trying not to worry so much but i am worried of course..and really really scared..but i think worrying about whether or not ill kill myself is a tad bit more important..maybe kinda sorta..but i did it and im not sure what i think about it just yet

i keep thinking that my old T would tell me she was proud of me..and when i dont agree with her she would ask me why i dont think so..and i have no idea really..im just not proud of myself at all right now

just thinking

at some point i really do need to get to the bottom of why it is i hate therapy so much..and its not even therapy itsself its just that i have to go because i cant handle my stupid life alone..i dont think i handle anything as well as i like to think i do..yea im told im always so controlled but its all a big game sometimes..like how far can i go before i crack..or how far will i go before i do something really really stupid..and how long will it take for anyone to notice..i guess thats the big thing..no one notices..no one asks..im sure i wouldnt admit it anyway until it was freaking laid out in front of me and i had no other way out of saying ok theres something wrong..and even then im sure lying would cross my mind more than once..one just not saying anything would prolly work well too..cas i guess as long as im not just outright suicidal then its not such a big deal..so i guess in some ways my silence can protect me when i want it too..no one can make me talk..i cant even make me talk and its my thoughts im always fighting with in the first place..*sigh* sometimes it does seem so pointless you know..like why bother..because as some as it seems like everything is ok then darnit i better keep believing everything is ok..as i watch everything just keep falling apart..could be fun..could be stupid..i dont know really..i dont know how hard it is that i want to fight any of this because i did try..albeit half heartedly at most..occasionally i really worked on something only to not be able to talk about it..so i guess it doesnt count much..but i have worked on some things..and a lot of it i just ignore..i had a dream last night that i really did want to write about but woke up and couldnt remember it..but this was one dream where i wasnt the one being chased..i was doing something that involved someone getting hurt but it wasnt me..i think i was the good one ..oh i wish i could remember it..because it didnt scare me for once..but today once again i thought a bit more indepth about therapy and lack there of and its just my head is going so off the wall its not even cool anymore..if nothing else maybe therapy will help me stablize my moods a bit more...if i didnt know so wholeheartedly that i wasnt bipolar i would really question it..because its really not a good thing to be perfectly ok one minute and five minutes later im ready to just go to bed and stay..or i feel so alone and forgotten i dont know what to do with myself..or my incredibly poor impluse control.. i would like to say yea ive stopped cutting and purging but i hadnt even mastered that yet..i dont do it as often but its still there..i wonder if it makes me a bad person for not being in therapy when i know all this stuff and im not doing anything to make it better or more manageable? i dont want to be a zombie and i just dont want to go and be put on all this medication and hope it helps...i already know i cant handle doing meds..way too much of a temptation there...but i spent a lot of time in and out of therapy and i know what works when i care to admit it and know what doesnt work..but i guess it all comes down to whether im going to stick with it and spend the money to go and aactually do something..because it just feels like im slowly managing to drive myself crazy..and the constant up and down stuff is killing me..and then i just end up questioning everything and not able to really get any of it into words..or getting so mad at something and not being able to get it out..not counting cutting here..i dont know..maybe i just have way to much shame and guilt and fear to even bother with 'getting better'

im so jealous of the ppl who can talk and get things out without worrying about every little thing..or worrying if they will be in trouble of over something that happen 20 some odd years ago..not that i even remember..and thats the other part of things..i dont know how it is i have forgotten so much of my life but its like i wasnt there for most of it..try explaining that to someone..gee i dont remember doing all this stuff im told ive done and its like i just dont remember..any of it..i know a rough outline of my life and thats about it..some things i can clue in on and some things its like never happened..but it had to have happened because someone else is telling me about it..kinda sucks to forget your life

and then the whole acceptance part of things has to be considered too..i guess it would be easier if i didnt mind that i would be called a cutter or bulimic or whatever else someone could come up with..but i do mind..i mind a lot..and i cant even bare to call myself those..why would i be ok letting someone else call me them..and its so backwards because i chat with quite a few ppl who are one thing or another and it doesnt matter..geez ppl go to therapy all the time and it doesnt matter for them.but its a huge huge deal for me..it matters a lot what ppl think of me and i just get majorly paranoid about it..and tthat makes it even worse...because i already know i have scars..darn you would have to be blind to miss some of them..but i always question who looks at them and really really know how they got there and how just wonders but has no idea..because god who would ever think that I could cut myself? looks are everything right? and i guess i can come off as being rather normal when i want to be..ok almost all the time no one would give me a second glance..but its like if ppl really knew would they look harder? or question more? or just call me crazy..i know how acceptance works and i know im not doing it..because if i keep ignoring it and swearing up and down im ok then i will be and screw everythign else..but i guess it doesnt help that doing it that way also counts as just flat out lying to myself and everyone else? more so lying to myself is the big thing i guess..i cant really expect anyone else to accept if i cant even do it..and i already know i cant or wont do it.. dont know really what it will take to change that though..and that sucks..i was in the mall today and just happened to catch someone wearing one of the "to write love on her arms" tshirts..and that was a big deal because for anyone who has seen that site or anything relating to that then you know what its about..and so it was a bid deal but so so surprising becuase i never realized or considered that something like that would be such a big deal..and for ppl who dont know it deals with cutting..but i dont know..for as much as i want to promote awareness about various things i cant because i dont want any attention on me for why i would support somethings .. i dont want to have to explain myself or my views or anything..i want to be like everyone else and im not..i stand out without actually standing out in some ways..and in some ways its so easy for me to just disappear.and become invisible because i know how to do it..i know when to do it..


had an argument today with my sister and it left me wondering if i was controlling and stuff.. and it bothered me because i am so not controlling you know..i do everything im asked even if i dont want too..doesnt matter if i had other plans or not..and it was a back and forth thing because it was about how i never let them change the music in my car and how i always say its my car and so i can do that..it pissed me off because my car is one of the few things i have that i can call my own..i dont have a house, i dont have kids, all i have is dusti and my car..the two things i own in a sense..and maybe its rude of me to not let someone get in my car and start messing with the radio or taking my cds out but i hate when ppl do that..if i dont mind it then I will change the cd or put on the radio..but to have someone else get in my car and start complaining about MY music really gets on my nerves..im the one driving ..so shouldnt i be comfortable in my car? if i want to have junk all in my car isnt that my business and not the whole worlds?? why should it matter for the 20 or so mins u are in my car..i dont ask for much as all so why cant my car just be mine and not some one elses? why should i have to change what i like and am ok to make someone else comforable and happy when its something as stupid as music..and im sorry that i always mention having or not having gas but gas to too expensive and we live too far away from town to just be able to go back and forth to do stuff there..i cant afford to put $45 dollars in my tank twice a week as it is so lets not make it worse..im sorry if i have to put having gas so i can go to work above taking you to the store..its just not fair that i have to be put on the spot for stuff like this for absolutely no reason at all..i didnt think it was mean of me to like check money or gas before i say ill take someone somewhere..but maybe it is..maybe i really am just mean and selfish for not doing more than i already do for everyone..maybe im just so horrible it really doesnt matter one way or another what i want..

so i just dont know what im going to do..i dont know what i want to do and i really just wish there was someone to tell me exactly what i needed to do..so i wouldnt have to decide..but i guess this time around it just has to be my decision and no one elses right? it doesnt work if its forced..at least i can remember that..but it was just so much easier when i had no choice in the matter...

pictures

so my trip is over and other stuff

maybe ill add pictures and stuff eventually ..but this one is just the big overview i suppose and takes on everything and kinda the down part of the trip..

so went to yvonnes on friday night..left later than i had hoped because had to do paperwork and that was a pain in the butt but i finished it and got it turned in at least..not the best but not horrible either..when yvonne got home we unpacked me and repacked me because i learned that she wanted to do carry ons only because it was easier and i admit it was easier but i was miffed that i had to leave a bunch of stuff behind too..didnt wear much of what i did have but i just guess its a comfort thing and i would have liked to have had all of it..but we were also staying in an rv and there was barely space for what both of us did have..so i guess it worked out..and next time ill know ahead of time so i can overpack lightly lol..so we drove to ral that night and stayed at her moms house and i tried out yvonnes water bed and almost rolled out of it! and now i know ill never ever be getting a water bed..i dont like them to much..and we left for the airport at like 4 and i was going to die i was so tired ..but then we get to the airport and check in and everything and the security line is just ridiculous..ppl are stuck in line at 5:55 you know and they are trying to get 6am flights and its like im sorry but we are all stuck down here you know..but eventually we made it up to our gate and made our flights with not to many problems..all the flight attendants on both flights going commented on that we were just sitting there coloring! didnt think it would be a big deal and it wasnt really but it was just oh your coloring really?! but the flights werent bad at all..the connecting flight i enjoyed more because of the blizzard in ohio a lot of ppl werent on the flight and so i had like a whole row of seats to myself and it rocked..and then we played cards for a while but the flight was only like a bit over 4 hours and it felt like it was 8...made it to san diego and it was killer hot..after a week there i know i will never live on the west coast..cant do it..its nice to visit and all and but i need trees ..real ones not the rinky dink palm trees.. and rivers and waterfalls and nature that im used too..i dont think i could be any farther away than like Ohio or Michigan maybe..but its more layout that im looking for i guess..and i never thought i would dislike cali so much for a long term thing but its not for me out there..and who ever says a dry heat is better can bite me..heat is heat and if its hot its hot...and it was hot while we were there and im not a shorts and tank top person so it was harder for me to adjust to that part..and i dont really know if it was the heat or the dryness but i just kept getting nosebleeds..towards the end not tos much but the first few days every time i blew my nose it was like freaking heck..so no idea why it was really happening but it was a pain..but the rv was nice although crowded it was nice...

hmm we went to disneyland and mexico and hollywood..it was kinda cool being asked if i was an american citizen..and it was kinda cool having to go by the border patrol like twice a day because yvonnes mom lived so close to the border..

her moms fiance was ok..but i dont know..its not that i didnt like him or anything because i dont know him..but he just annoyed me a bit..i dont like having someone try to tell me they know how to do something a better way and then proceed to showing how to do it the same way i was doing it before..im not stupid..i know how to work a computer..but that just annoyed me a lot and i was nice and listened to him and didnt say anything but its like give me a break ok..by the end her mom was getting tired of having to pay for my food and i didnt take advantage of it or anything..i didnt ask for anything special and always looked at prices..and yvonne told me later that her and her mom had a talk about how her mom said she would cover food for me as long as i got my own plane ticket and everything..so i mean i know it was a bit expensive sometimes..but i wouldnt have come if i wasnt welcome and her mom said it was perfectly ok for me to come you know..so her moms mood went up and down a bit while we were there and yvonne kept apologizing but its like really its ok..im used to it..she told me i was better at handling her moms mood than she was..and its like her mom is a much lesser degree of my mom...i know when to stay out of her way..i know when to leave her alone and i know most of all when to not draw attention to myself ..her mom is no problem at all..my mom is a lot of problems that just never end...feeling better now and its good to be back home but then being back home has its own set of problems

but while in cali we were at the bottom part..near the border of mexico..and we went to mexico and disneyland and hollywood! all very cool places..mexico was a little disappointing..but im not sure exactly why that is just yet..it just wasnt what i was expecting at all ..i dont know..but it was still cool to cross the border and all that fun stuff..disneyland was a lot of fun..we were there like all day long and we got there right after the park opened and stayed to see the fireworks..tower of terror was the best ride ever..and i had been on it before but i just wasnt expecting that first drop and it scared the crap out of me..got soaked riding the rapids ride..rode the dumbo ride and the roger rabbit ride was nice but toontown was just the neatest place ever..and a bunch of others..was a bit sad about not getting to do the nemo ride..took a picture with minnie mouse and the fairy godmother..rode the pirates of the carribean ride twice and even had dinner that the bayou resturant place and it really looks like your outside there! but by then i was so cold i was almost shivering enough that you could hear my teeth clicking..but we rode the rapids ride late in the day and then i got to walk around soaking wet for a couple hours cas the sun was going down and didnt have anything dry..but ended up buying a tshirt and a towel..well yvonne got the towel for me but its the greatest towel ever lol..and i actually ordered something i never had before and ended up liking it..but as usual what i would and wouldnt eat was the topic most days ..because it was harder for her mom to find something i would eat and i really wasnt trying to be difficult i just dont like a lot of stuff and her mom just kinda stopped trying after a while to specifically get something i would eat and so i just made do..not a huge deal since we ate out so much but it still came up..and it sucked but i guess i should be used to eat..since my eating habits are rather weird sometimes..hollywood was an adventure because well first it took forever to get back to la and then even longer to get to the other side of it..but we made it eventually and walked around a bit and saw the stars and the impersonators and the hand/foot prints..and then we went in search of a spot to take pictures of the hollywood sign and well we got lost lol..and had to keep turning around and finally ended up on a street that was like a great shot for getting it and so it worked out :) but i think the fireworks show was the best thing ever and so made the trip and going with yvonne and getting to ride all the 'kid' rides was a lot of fun too..because even didnt mind that i wanted to go and see the princesses or go to toontown (that place is awesome!!) or do the nemo ride that we didnt get to do..and we wore tiaras for that entire day and so the ppl that worked there kept saying we were princesses

not to mention i got a ticket last night..cas of my stupid inspection sticker being out of date..and i cant say its not my fault cas and i knew it was out of date and i just kept putting off getting it changed..it was the cop who gave it to me that just pissed me off big time..because it was the middle of the night and last night of all nights i had to run into the dui checkpoint..for the love of god i wanted to slap myself for that bit of luck..and it was just the guy could have been nicer about it and explained more without treating me like i had dome some huge thing wrong..and i had no idea about the registration card being unsigned ..and he pulled the i could throw u in jail for not signing it bit..and i was just stressing and on overload from all the lights and noise and worried about what was going to happen and just trying to get home...so it just kinda sucked for a bit last night..and cops are stupid..and now i have one more thing to try and take care of..and i told mommy enough about it this morning to let her know i got a citation thing and she told me how to get it taken care of..because i dont live in the county that i got the stupid thing in and im not driving back two hours just for a sticker..but i dont want to pay the 120 either..so i have to call the court and find out what to do about it...and i got home at like 2 this morning and had to get up around 7 ish to come and babysit..but mommy comes and says nothing to me except are you up yet before she leaves..didnt ask anything about my trip at all..

lots going on

hmm there is a lot going on..going out of town tomorrow night and trying to get all that stuff done and then all the stuff i need to have done for work..and just going to work and gas is killing me!

nia has the flu..go figure..and now is like freaking heck why did you have to get sick now..and now im like not feeling good yet again...but i took one of her flu pills last night so maybe that will help..

had a weird dream last night about my car...something along the lines of my brakes giving out and i was in the middle of traffic of course..and so i try to stop hitting one car and almost hit another one..so i end up stopping in the middle of traffic and tell nia to get out of the car..and i leave my car running in the middle of traffic..and all of a sudden i realize its running and moving and i cant get to it..and so theres this huge crash and fall off of something and my car is gone..and im more worried about mommy yelling at me than the fact that my car just blew up..it was weird

some stupid person almost hit me last night in a parking lot..because they didnt stop at the big stop sign that anyone can see and started to turn really fast and i was going out..and yea it was scary..he stopped eventually and backed up..but i thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest..

yesterday i had to drop everything i was doing to take nia to the doctor..after telling mommy i had plans that day and really needed to go to the office and get stuff turned in..and wed is my busy long day..but she didnt care one bit and i had to stop what i was doing to spend almost an hour and a half getting nia back and forth to the doc and all i got was a sorry too bad..what i was supposed to do just doesnt matter at all ..

i need to get out of here..mommy is just driving me crazy..and keeps calling me a bum because i prefer jeans and tshirts to anything else..and constantly telling me my clothes dont fit and i need to lose weight and everything is just making me upset..but guess i better stop complianing

just a little rant

so feeling better today..just a bit headachy off and on..but almost back to my reg old self..thankfully..have been lazing around today..playing videogames and playing online and looking at my room and planning to clean it up and start packing ! planning being the key word in that little part lol..but i do want to at least start packing because i have to leave straight from work friday night and coming home just isnt a good idea because then ill just be even later getting to gville and then we have to leave at 2 ish in the morning to go to the airport and im not gonna be in a ppleasant mood at all! but its just one less thing to stress about that ill stress about anyway!

but thats not whats bothering me so much...mommy after everything she said about not letting my nephew stay with us he is here and its just like why in the hell is he here and why hasnt he left yet...have you ever just had someone that instantly got on and stayed on your bad side no matter what ? obviously it takes an asful lot to get on my bad side but my nephew is just i dont know..i hate to say i dont like him but i really dont..because everyone has tried to help him and he just throws it back in their faces..he has gotten into trouble for everything and then its like he goes through every one and gets what he wants and then comes back like nothing happened and he can start over..for all of mommies fault she does help everyone if she can..you may not hear the end of it but she will help..and i hate that she is going to get stuck with him agian and its just not gonna work out..and its not like he hasnt lived here before..he grew up here..and lived with us for what 18 or so years and as a kid he was fine but then i dont know he just changed i suppose and got into drugs and everything..and its like geez we arent perfect at all but all of us either finished school and yet to college or got a job or lived away from home or something to just show we can take care of ourselves and do what we are supposed to do..and yea he grew up with us but its like he just expects everyone to do things for him and bail him out of trouble..and it gets on my nerves..i look at him and just dont see anything at all..and its just a pain having him in the house again..because i dont want my stuff to walk away when he leaves.and hes taken clothes and meds and junk out of my room before and its like ok dont leave anything down..and i told mommy i didnt want him here..but he got kicked out of some program in mi and came back here and called mommy cas he had no where else to go cas none of the other relatives here will take him in again..and so mommy caved and he is here and im waiting for him to leave..and i guess that makes me a bad person..cas i have no intention of giving him anything..i barely talk to him and sometimes it is like he isnt even in the house..but then he loses his temper and you just here stuff being thrown around downstairs and its like great hes gonna break something and then all hell will break lose..so i stay out of his way..he stays out of mine but just knowing he is here is enough to keep me on edge i guess..and even just being back for a few days he has hooked up with his old friends and its like hes just gonna get his self in trouble again