just aggravated

anxious a bit ..but mostly just pissed off and now a bit sad..funny how after anger comes saddness..maybe i just skip the anger part and go straight to sad..i dont know..but its just they were fighting downstairs and mommy is freaking out and still in a seriously pissed off mood in that they actually fought in the house..but they knocked junk over and thankfully nothing was broken..but john john was nice enough to apoligize and help me clean the mess up..and montrell just keeps going on and on about it and yelling about all this stuff that doesnt matter..

and makes me mad that he is constantly looking to blame someone else for what he did..and then when he is confronted about it he lies and denies it and its like damn you i just watched you do this or no one else was home so who did it? and he still lies and swears his innocence..god how many times as a kid was i hit for something he did? how many times now did i ask mommy not to let him come back and stay..and still he is here..its like why do i bother trying at all about some stuff you know..

no i didnt have the perfect childhood..yea it owuld be nice if i could remember any of it..but no it wasnt perfect..yes i have a lot of issues now..but no i am not blaming someone else for the stuff i do..god im sure mommy would be pleased if i said someone else cut me instead of her having to deal with me doing it..but i dont ..some things theres just no point in lying about..and its like the things i do and the things i think dont have to define who i am..i dont go looking for pity or want someone to feel sorry for me..i dont talk for that reason and i can feel sorry enough for myself for everyone..but i guess when it comes down to it i dont have to be defined by what ive been dx'd with..i just happen to be me and all of my other stuff i just have to deal with and id say that i do ok most of the time..some days im so off the wall i dont know what to do with myself but then eventally it goes away for a bit..i hate that ppl use dx's as excuses or what happened to them as excuses..it makes it harder i guess for the ppl who really try to make something of there lives regardless of everything..

blah

no matter how much i sleep lately im always tired


again

tonight

i had to take a recert class for restraint training tonight..and i was stressing over it a lot..but im done with it already..and as much as i hate to say it ..the class was a little disappointing..maybe its because i have already had to use restraints..ive had to talk kids down from going all over the place..and i have watched an 8 yr old kid completely beat up a 4yr old because he wanted too and could..i dont like doing it but i guess i trust that i can if i had too...and the restraint classes i had to take at my old job were seriously hard core restraints..the lady running it could have u on the ground in a minute flat..didnt matter how big you were..and looks can be deceiving cas the lady was as big around as a pencil but she knew her restraints and she taught them well..we had to really fight to get out of her holds and even the holds we practied on each other..more so why i hated it..cas i couldnt get out of some of them without seriosuly trying..and tonights class was ok..it did the basics and i know it was a recert but i just dont know..its like it was sugar coated a little bit..i was really surprised that i was the only one ther not counting the instructor that had even used a restraint..a real one..oh well maybe its not a big deal..im not worried much about having to use them with the cl's i have now..maybe im just in a complaining mood...i dont know..but im glad its over and done with for another year!

more free time than usual today and a lot of back and forth to home and other places..have to do some rewrites for work and that is just annoying the crap out of me..im barely keeping up with what i have to do for the week and i hate having to add on more to redo..ugh...gonna have to actually set aside time to work on them..and have them explained to me yet again..stupid me cant seem to get the hang of them..

another day

im not sad..but im not happy either..reallyy tired though..funny how i get 4 hours of sleep monday night and im up all day and barely feel tired but last night i got 7 or so hours and i feel like im going to fall asleep at any minute.. tomorrow im working much later and i dont have to go in friday evening..so i am excited about that..im done with work on friday at 3 and that doeesnt happen to often at all! but that also menats im working until 8:30 tomorrow night which i dont mind at all..ill just have to keep myself busy though lol...and tonight im not working either becuase i have pri training to do..not looking forward to it at all..i hate doing the restraints..but i have to have the training ..blah..so im just hoping it really doesnt go all the way to 9!but otherwise ..things in the world of work are alright..sometimes stressful..most of the time a lot of fun though..i mean really thinking about my job is like getting to play for 6hours .. who else can have a job description that says they are getting paid to color or watch movies, or go to the library and the park?! i mean im not complaining i do like my job ..its just that i realized the other day that i like my job because its easy..its not challenging in the slightest..i know my job..i can do my job and im ok with that for now..but it just feels like anyone could do this you know..given im also working with the babies and i do need my degree for that but the other ones its like i dont know..but for my schedule i do like the hours and that i have the freedom to change them around..i can handle not having benefits..just gotta stop getting sick..towards the end of this month i should be figuring out what my actually steady paycheck will be and that will help with bills and getting things paid you know..managing a bit with therapy and setting aside money for that..once i know what my paychecks will be i guess ill have to put some real effort into making and sticking to a budget! gotta chill on the impluse buys lol..rats for really wanting a new movie or cd or something..so lots of different stuff to work on ..really want to start saving but gas is killing me and for now im still stuck borrowing from mommy to keep gas in my tank..seriously its like 80 bucks a week in gas..totals to over 300 a month for gas and its a pain in the butt! and there are other things i want to do too..like i figured out i have to celebrate yvonnes birthday with her before her actually birthday cas she isnt going to be here this summer..and i want to find her something good for her birthday and figure out what her schedule is like around the first of may..and im still waiting on the final word of if im going to disneyworld or not..and a bit worried cas coming back from cali seriously killed my mood..dont really know why..i just had a really hard time adjusting back..and it really sucked..this trip wouldnt be that long but still ..a bit worried..

i find it funny that i need outside regulators to stabilize my mood..i cant do it by myself..i feel like a failure because i cant do it by myself..yet i cant say therapy doesnt help at least a little..heck im sure if i went and just stared at the floor for an hour i would swear i felt better..but then i hate talking so i find staring at the floor to be very helpful lol..doesnt take much to please me..went yesterday and am thinking about a lot of stuff from that..but still processing all of that i think...got the suggestion to write down you know what it is i think about myself..kidna what i hear in my head and do a negative and positive list..and just cas im curious i do actually plan on doing that..dont know yet if im going to show it to the doc or not but ill do it..cas now i want to know..i thought about it a little yesterday and had like a bunch of things on the bad side and like 2 on the good side..not really balanced there you know..so going to give it a bit of thought but it still is really hard figuring out the good stuff through all the not so good stuff..and bad stuff wins out every single time...

hmmm went out to dinner last night with mommy and nia and montrell and actually ordered something new..had a veggie burger with pineapple slices and teriyaki sauce.. was pretty good ..not something i would usually order but decided i was a bit sick of the reg veggie burgers..it was killer messy though lol ..still having ttrouble deciding if im going to stick with being vegetarian or not..i keep saying yes..then changing it and saying no..or trying to make it easier for someone else and just going along with what ever is being offered at the moment..cas thats just how i am i suppose..but i really do need to make up my mind..makes no sense to keep going back and forth..trying to chill out on the fast food and eat more fruits but as usual after a couple days i just kinda stop caring and forget what i said i was going to do..same old same old...

just the usual stuff going around my head..

sudenly in a semi bad mood..incredibly tired and cranky..and its my fault..nothing new there

not much..

back to feeling normal..back to having a clearish head and thinking without getting a headache. finally woke up this morning and didnt wish to go back to bed cas i didnt feel good..i think not babysitting this weekend and just ended up having a lot of time to myself helped..but it did also bore me to tears..ran errands today for a bit..and yesterday took mommy a few places cas she hurt her ankle at work and wont listen to the docs and stop triyng to walk on it but shes doing better..i was killer pissed off that she didnt fill her prescription for vicodin..bad bad me but temptations can be a pain and well having those lying around with no one taking them would have made my weekend..but nothing to worry about cas she didnt get it filled cas she doesnt like taking them..so no zoning out for me..but had a semi bad day yesterday..pretty much ended up feeling incredibly stupid and worthless after 5 mins in the car with mommy..wanted to cut but didnt..but now i remember why it is i dont like ppl being in my car! everyone seems to have a problem with my messy car..but its like seriously why does it matter so much to them?! i clean it when i can..and i know its a bit messy now but i live out of my car during the week and im sorry i dont have the time to go and vaccumm it whenever it needs to be done..

my car is still a mess..to busy..was to sick to bother with it..no time..never have enough time..doesnt help that i waste time a lot or forget what im doing a lot..so at some point i know it will get done i just dont know when..and i guess a better question would be why do i even have to clean my car becuasue someone else wants me too? blah i hate my incessant need to have someone elses approval..but it will always be the same thing i suppose..get yelled at for something..feel horrible..think about it for a while..and then spend the rest of me life making whatever wrong i did better..that takes an awful lot of time..story of my life...

did some cleaning yesterday when i got back home..cooked two seperate dinners.. cas im back in vegetarian phase it seems..and no one will eat my veggie food lol..so i had to cook two dinners last night..and both turned out good..it was just chili..so now i also have dinner premade for part of the week ...trying hard again to pay more attention to what i eat..really have been eating fast food way to much cas its so easy to stop and pick up on the way to somewhere else..and its soooo unhealthy eating it like 4 times a week..so trying harder to eat at home.not like i have money to keep stopping and spending a few bucks every day on junk food..so im hoping planning meals a bit more will help..as long as it doesnt go overboard yet again you know...

hmm nothing else to interesting going on..usual stuff..slacking on work stuff again so all my free time today will have to go to that so i can catch up on it to turn it in tomorrow..

sidenote

when i ws in therapy last week..and being asked all the usual pretherapy questions...she got around to asking me if i wass abused as a child and of course i was a smart ass and asked what her definition of abuse was..just cas i didnt want to say yes or no..but anyway she asked if i was sexually abused and i said no without a second thought..the funny part is i didnt give a definite no to any other question she gave me..i played around and used i dont know a heck of a lot..but with that particular question it was a flat out no..and i dont give many of those..wonder if it means i was just lying..or i didnt want her to know ..or i didnt want me to know..confusing to say the least

weird dream

last night i had a really really weird dream and i wanted to write about it but of course as soon as i woke up fully i couldnt remember much of it..and what i did remember just makes no sense what so ever..and its confusing cas i keep trying to remember what happened to make other things happen and i just cant figure it out..so what i do remember is..

im in this place that ill call a school for lack of anything else and really not knowing what the place was..but it had desks and a bunch of other ppl..and im there and there is a guy sitting next to me..dont know who the guy was but i just know it was a guy..and for some reason im so so so mad at him..again i dont have the slightest idea why i am..but he is like one of the ppl in charge.. ok seriosuly im about to say i dont know how i know that but i just do and im starting to wonder if this was even a real dream! blah it had to come from smoewhere..so he was one in charge and im mad at him and somehow i decide to get back at him and start cutting my hand..dont know what im using but whatever it is its good because there is blood all over the place..and he sees and asks what im doing and i of course say im not doing anything..and he is trying to take away what ever it is im using..and im trying to keep it and im swearing up and down that i wasnt doing anything and that nothing is wrong and its like im ignoring the fact that my hand is seriously bleeding. in all of this..im guessing eventually he gets it away from me..but thats all for that part..before all of that happened i think i tried to kill myself..and i dont know what the pretense for that was but i kept thinking why was i trying to kill myself..and what made me want to kill myself..and i think maybe that might have been why i was so mad at this guy..or i might have just been mad it didnt work..i dont know..but its just so confusing..because a couple other things happened but im not able to even piece any of it together because i dont remember...ugh

am really surprised that i feel more settled..but that is the way it worked before too..when i was forced into therapy. freak out before the appt and then calm down until it was time to go again..maybe this time around ill be able to stay calmer. really will have to work harder at talking though. i just hate the thought of spending the rest of my life in and out of therapy. hated it while i was in school, kinda hate it now..but its more of an indifference now..no i dont plan on mentioning to anyone that i am going again but ill go..hate that somehow i got around to thinking that therapy means ive failed in some big way becasue i need help..but at the same time i dont have a problem with anyone else being in therapy. go if you need it and i hope it helps..but darnit im not supposed to need help..im not supposed to crack under the pressure of everything..and i do all the time..its just done in such a way that no one even knows..or bothers to know and so it doesnt really matter..

isnt that all thats important though? what i come across as? if i look like a functioning adult in society then why would anyone really care about anything else? ive already graduated once from college, i have a job, i can kinda support myself..im doing what im expected to do..what im supposed to do..so as long as it is assumed that i have everything i want what is there to complain about? no guess theres not much to complain about from that stand point

but on to other stuff

still not feeling good..still have to do other stuff because mommy said so..inaddition to working today as usual..how is it that i never have time to myself unless its at night and then its so late i just want to go to bed..all i wanted today was the morning to myself to sleep in a little and get some stuff done for work and catch up on emails..but then im asked to take my nephew to look for a job..like i have nothing else to do with my time..like i dont have other things i need to get done..or even that i dont feel good and may not want to do anything until i have to go to work..no it doesnt work like that...and so my morning gets eaten up once again doing stuff for someone else and all my stuff i had to do just has to wait until later on..

did some art work lalst night..finally used my storage collage stuff ..so ill have to start looking again for pictures and things i want for later collages..

lately

decided to start this one here cas well if nothing else..i tend to ramble at times..

So been really out of sorts the past week or so..maybe i shouldnt do long trips again..dont know why coming back hadd such a big effect..dont know if coming back was the cause of the serious depression that it brung..no idea really but thinking about it yea coming back was just hard..

feeling sick and drained and just flat out tired right now..but also noticed that i hadnt done anything i have really liked or wanted to do for a couple weeks..disneyland doesnt count either lol..like no reading or doing art work..or really watching a movie just because i wanted to do it and not because i happened to be in the same room as someone watching tv..coloring doesnt count as much anymore cas i do that a lot at work..it keeps me busy and occupied but since i do it at work i dont want to do it at home as much..so maybe ill clean up my messed up room a bit and work on a collage or something..maybe it will help my mood some..

found out earlier this week..that well im going to disneyworld next month with the family i babysit for..a 4 day trip..and i am excited to go but at the same time im a little weary of going too..dont know why though cas this trip has been on and off for a couple years now..and there mom always said that when they went i was going too..and i am..and they are paying for me to go..and all i have to do is show up and spend 4 days playing pretty much..but in a way it is still a working trip you know..im being paid for my time with them for the most part..and heck im not complaining or anything but i dont know..maybe ill be feeling a bit more stable by the time we go..really hope i am!

went to therapy yesterday and it was ok..i was super super spazzing out and nervous and so inattentive without meaning to be..but i just couldnt really focus and my head was going a mile a mintue and i was distracted..and so she kept asking me questions and i had to keep asking her to repeat them cas i forgot what she asked..but willing to give her a try and see where it goes..she lowered her price a bit for me on the sliding scale and i do appreciate that but ill still have to start budgetting more carefully to make sure ill be able to afford it..so worried a bit about paying for next week but hoping it works out and ill be able to go to my appt..and then hopefully ill be a bit more stable in a couple months and ill know what to expect paycheck wise and it will be easier..so for now ill see how it goes..and until the doc pointed it out i really wasnt noticing how much i was/am working..theres not any time left for me to do anything really

its just not fair

i was having a good day..i really really was..once yvonne got here i was ok and calm and everything..and we watched a movie with everyone and then we played taboo becuase we had enough ppl..and i was still ok..bit on edge about mommmy coming home but oh well..and the drive to the resturant was fine..it was me, nia and yvonne in my car..and most of the way we talked about a lot of different stuff...but then we got to dinner..and i just started to fall apart in some way that i dont understand completely..its just there are 6 ppl at the table and its like i wasnt even there after a while..everyone talked and i tried to add stuff but its like i wasnt being heard..so i just kinda faded into the background..listened and was just there but without being there..its like i dont fit into my own family..im not loud enough..im not happy enough..i tried really really hard today to stay happy and it just didnt work..maybe i cant be happy..i dont know..just feel like crying because its like nothing is ever good enough..and no matter what i do im not able to keep up the image for long and in the end something always gives and im just left feeling lost..feel stupid for not being able to be present i guess and stay ok...it was really important to do that today and i failed


b/p this morning...cant remember the last time i did that..maybe a couple months..i dont know..seems to be a failing sort of day

song

Idina Menzel I Stand Lyrics


When you ask me, who I am…
What is my vision? And do I have a plan?
Where is my strength? Have I nothing to say?
I hear the words in my head, but I push them away.

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there’s a better place.
I don’t know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

And I don’t know
What tomorrow brings
The road less traveled
will it set us free?
Cause we are taking it slow,
these tiny legacies.
I don’t try and change the world;
But what will you make of me?

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,


I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there’s a better place.
I don’t know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

With the slightest of breezes
We fall just like leaves
As the rain washes us from the ground
We forget who we are
We can‘t see in the dark
And we quickly get lost in the crowd

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there’s a better place.
I don’t know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

hmm i think my allergies are acting up...didnt even really realize that it was spring and the pollen all over my car annoyed me and then yesterday i really didnt feel good and its like oh..spring..some years it doesnt bother me at all..and some years its a reall pain in the butt..so started taking some over the counter stuff and im hoping it will help..

still more in a bad mood than anything else...being sick doesnt help much..but i cant seem to keep my mood ok anymore..also i dont want to do anything at all..if i didnt have to work i think i would just stay in bed..if i could get out of work and didnt seriously need the money i would stay in bed..so i guess its a good thing i worry so much about money and working..back to being tired all the time now..i dont want to do my paperwork and im falling behind again with it..i have a lot to do and i cant seem to get myself in gear..i organize and set it all up but when it comes to writing it i just sit there and stare at the screen..hoping maybe that the words will magically fill the screen for me.. and even though i know i have to turn it in i hate doing it..and so i keep talking myself out of it..and just keep falling behind ..

i suck

@

i really havent been in a good mood lately...and i dont really know why..sometimes im ok but most of the time i just stay pissed off about just about everything..its a pain in the butt..because i dont like being so upset all the time..prolly why i was able to talk myself into calling about therapy..and that makes me mad too..i really hate that everything i want to do or have to do gets a back seat to what everyone else has to do..i have to take nia to school and work in the morning this week because mommy has to go to work early..and even before when i have to take her i let her know what time we are leaving the night before and she is never on time..doesnt matter if i had told her i really needed to leave because i had something to do for work or something..no shes always late coming out..but if she has somewhere to be at a certain time then she is up and ready to go and rushing me to hurry uup even if its before when i planned on leaving and then shes pissed off cas she was late or something..but if i get mad about being late ..no one really seems to care or it just doesnt matter..and my work schedule has to work around someone elses schedule and i dont think thats fair at all..that just really annoyed me this morning..not my fault she doesnt have her license..i got mine and i got it becuase i needed it..she needs hers and wont freaking go and get..i was scared about driving too..still am..but i do it..and a lot of it was i did hate having to always ask ppl to take me places..and she wants to keep saying she is just scared of driving and cant get her license..but god driving 30 miles away to take her to work or to pick her up in killer traffic..or driving her to school at 7 in the morning..isnt so cool after a while ..its just a pain

soooo

i really wouldnt mind if the world ended like right now...i really wouldnt..drove myself up the wall with making phone calls this morning about therapy and i feel the need to say im going to regret actually setting up an appt but i did it..even though i really thought the phone grew horns while i was sitting there looking at it..good grief i can come up with some off the wall stuff when i really really dont want to do anything...but eventually i just had to yell at myself to calm down and call and once i got started some of the fear went away but it still pretty much sucked..and i therapy is killer expensive ..i dont know how ppl do it without insurance but then i guess im about to find out..called a bunch of places and asked for prices and there were some places that sounded really nice but im sorry i can not do like over a 100 bucks a session..i would have to save up to go to therapy! that makes no sense at all and you would think ppl could make it just a little bit cheaper..but the place i have an appointment at has a sliding scale based on income and well it helps that my income really isnt that impressive...not with other bills and everything..so i guess ill just have to go and see..and im trying not to worry so much but i am worried of course..and really really scared..but i think worrying about whether or not ill kill myself is a tad bit more important..maybe kinda sorta..but i did it and im not sure what i think about it just yet

i keep thinking that my old T would tell me she was proud of me..and when i dont agree with her she would ask me why i dont think so..and i have no idea really..im just not proud of myself at all right now

just thinking

at some point i really do need to get to the bottom of why it is i hate therapy so much..and its not even therapy itsself its just that i have to go because i cant handle my stupid life alone..i dont think i handle anything as well as i like to think i do..yea im told im always so controlled but its all a big game sometimes..like how far can i go before i crack..or how far will i go before i do something really really stupid..and how long will it take for anyone to notice..i guess thats the big thing..no one notices..no one asks..im sure i wouldnt admit it anyway until it was freaking laid out in front of me and i had no other way out of saying ok theres something wrong..and even then im sure lying would cross my mind more than once..one just not saying anything would prolly work well too..cas i guess as long as im not just outright suicidal then its not such a big deal..so i guess in some ways my silence can protect me when i want it too..no one can make me talk..i cant even make me talk and its my thoughts im always fighting with in the first place..*sigh* sometimes it does seem so pointless you know..like why bother..because as some as it seems like everything is ok then darnit i better keep believing everything is ok..as i watch everything just keep falling apart..could be fun..could be stupid..i dont know really..i dont know how hard it is that i want to fight any of this because i did try..albeit half heartedly at most..occasionally i really worked on something only to not be able to talk about it..so i guess it doesnt count much..but i have worked on some things..and a lot of it i just ignore..i had a dream last night that i really did want to write about but woke up and couldnt remember it..but this was one dream where i wasnt the one being chased..i was doing something that involved someone getting hurt but it wasnt me..i think i was the good one ..oh i wish i could remember it..because it didnt scare me for once..but today once again i thought a bit more indepth about therapy and lack there of and its just my head is going so off the wall its not even cool anymore..if nothing else maybe therapy will help me stablize my moods a bit more...if i didnt know so wholeheartedly that i wasnt bipolar i would really question it..because its really not a good thing to be perfectly ok one minute and five minutes later im ready to just go to bed and stay..or i feel so alone and forgotten i dont know what to do with myself..or my incredibly poor impluse control.. i would like to say yea ive stopped cutting and purging but i hadnt even mastered that yet..i dont do it as often but its still there..i wonder if it makes me a bad person for not being in therapy when i know all this stuff and im not doing anything to make it better or more manageable? i dont want to be a zombie and i just dont want to go and be put on all this medication and hope it helps...i already know i cant handle doing meds..way too much of a temptation there...but i spent a lot of time in and out of therapy and i know what works when i care to admit it and know what doesnt work..but i guess it all comes down to whether im going to stick with it and spend the money to go and aactually do something..because it just feels like im slowly managing to drive myself crazy..and the constant up and down stuff is killing me..and then i just end up questioning everything and not able to really get any of it into words..or getting so mad at something and not being able to get it out..not counting cutting here..i dont know..maybe i just have way to much shame and guilt and fear to even bother with 'getting better'

im so jealous of the ppl who can talk and get things out without worrying about every little thing..or worrying if they will be in trouble of over something that happen 20 some odd years ago..not that i even remember..and thats the other part of things..i dont know how it is i have forgotten so much of my life but its like i wasnt there for most of it..try explaining that to someone..gee i dont remember doing all this stuff im told ive done and its like i just dont remember..any of it..i know a rough outline of my life and thats about it..some things i can clue in on and some things its like never happened..but it had to have happened because someone else is telling me about it..kinda sucks to forget your life

and then the whole acceptance part of things has to be considered too..i guess it would be easier if i didnt mind that i would be called a cutter or bulimic or whatever else someone could come up with..but i do mind..i mind a lot..and i cant even bare to call myself those..why would i be ok letting someone else call me them..and its so backwards because i chat with quite a few ppl who are one thing or another and it doesnt matter..geez ppl go to therapy all the time and it doesnt matter for them.but its a huge huge deal for me..it matters a lot what ppl think of me and i just get majorly paranoid about it..and tthat makes it even worse...because i already know i have scars..darn you would have to be blind to miss some of them..but i always question who looks at them and really really know how they got there and how just wonders but has no idea..because god who would ever think that I could cut myself? looks are everything right? and i guess i can come off as being rather normal when i want to be..ok almost all the time no one would give me a second glance..but its like if ppl really knew would they look harder? or question more? or just call me crazy..i know how acceptance works and i know im not doing it..because if i keep ignoring it and swearing up and down im ok then i will be and screw everythign else..but i guess it doesnt help that doing it that way also counts as just flat out lying to myself and everyone else? more so lying to myself is the big thing i guess..i cant really expect anyone else to accept if i cant even do it..and i already know i cant or wont do it.. dont know really what it will take to change that though..and that sucks..i was in the mall today and just happened to catch someone wearing one of the "to write love on her arms" tshirts..and that was a big deal because for anyone who has seen that site or anything relating to that then you know what its about..and so it was a bid deal but so so surprising becuase i never realized or considered that something like that would be such a big deal..and for ppl who dont know it deals with cutting..but i dont know..for as much as i want to promote awareness about various things i cant because i dont want any attention on me for why i would support somethings .. i dont want to have to explain myself or my views or anything..i want to be like everyone else and im not..i stand out without actually standing out in some ways..and in some ways its so easy for me to just disappear.and become invisible because i know how to do it..i know when to do it..


had an argument today with my sister and it left me wondering if i was controlling and stuff.. and it bothered me because i am so not controlling you know..i do everything im asked even if i dont want too..doesnt matter if i had other plans or not..and it was a back and forth thing because it was about how i never let them change the music in my car and how i always say its my car and so i can do that..it pissed me off because my car is one of the few things i have that i can call my own..i dont have a house, i dont have kids, all i have is dusti and my car..the two things i own in a sense..and maybe its rude of me to not let someone get in my car and start messing with the radio or taking my cds out but i hate when ppl do that..if i dont mind it then I will change the cd or put on the radio..but to have someone else get in my car and start complaining about MY music really gets on my nerves..im the one driving ..so shouldnt i be comfortable in my car? if i want to have junk all in my car isnt that my business and not the whole worlds?? why should it matter for the 20 or so mins u are in my car..i dont ask for much as all so why cant my car just be mine and not some one elses? why should i have to change what i like and am ok to make someone else comforable and happy when its something as stupid as music..and im sorry that i always mention having or not having gas but gas to too expensive and we live too far away from town to just be able to go back and forth to do stuff there..i cant afford to put $45 dollars in my tank twice a week as it is so lets not make it worse..im sorry if i have to put having gas so i can go to work above taking you to the store..its just not fair that i have to be put on the spot for stuff like this for absolutely no reason at all..i didnt think it was mean of me to like check money or gas before i say ill take someone somewhere..but maybe it is..maybe i really am just mean and selfish for not doing more than i already do for everyone..maybe im just so horrible it really doesnt matter one way or another what i want..

so i just dont know what im going to do..i dont know what i want to do and i really just wish there was someone to tell me exactly what i needed to do..so i wouldnt have to decide..but i guess this time around it just has to be my decision and no one elses right? it doesnt work if its forced..at least i can remember that..but it was just so much easier when i had no choice in the matter...

pictures

so my trip is over and other stuff

maybe ill add pictures and stuff eventually ..but this one is just the big overview i suppose and takes on everything and kinda the down part of the trip..

so went to yvonnes on friday night..left later than i had hoped because had to do paperwork and that was a pain in the butt but i finished it and got it turned in at least..not the best but not horrible either..when yvonne got home we unpacked me and repacked me because i learned that she wanted to do carry ons only because it was easier and i admit it was easier but i was miffed that i had to leave a bunch of stuff behind too..didnt wear much of what i did have but i just guess its a comfort thing and i would have liked to have had all of it..but we were also staying in an rv and there was barely space for what both of us did have..so i guess it worked out..and next time ill know ahead of time so i can overpack lightly lol..so we drove to ral that night and stayed at her moms house and i tried out yvonnes water bed and almost rolled out of it! and now i know ill never ever be getting a water bed..i dont like them to much..and we left for the airport at like 4 and i was going to die i was so tired ..but then we get to the airport and check in and everything and the security line is just ridiculous..ppl are stuck in line at 5:55 you know and they are trying to get 6am flights and its like im sorry but we are all stuck down here you know..but eventually we made it up to our gate and made our flights with not to many problems..all the flight attendants on both flights going commented on that we were just sitting there coloring! didnt think it would be a big deal and it wasnt really but it was just oh your coloring really?! but the flights werent bad at all..the connecting flight i enjoyed more because of the blizzard in ohio a lot of ppl werent on the flight and so i had like a whole row of seats to myself and it rocked..and then we played cards for a while but the flight was only like a bit over 4 hours and it felt like it was 8...made it to san diego and it was killer hot..after a week there i know i will never live on the west coast..cant do it..its nice to visit and all and but i need trees ..real ones not the rinky dink palm trees.. and rivers and waterfalls and nature that im used too..i dont think i could be any farther away than like Ohio or Michigan maybe..but its more layout that im looking for i guess..and i never thought i would dislike cali so much for a long term thing but its not for me out there..and who ever says a dry heat is better can bite me..heat is heat and if its hot its hot...and it was hot while we were there and im not a shorts and tank top person so it was harder for me to adjust to that part..and i dont really know if it was the heat or the dryness but i just kept getting nosebleeds..towards the end not tos much but the first few days every time i blew my nose it was like freaking heck..so no idea why it was really happening but it was a pain..but the rv was nice although crowded it was nice...

hmm we went to disneyland and mexico and hollywood..it was kinda cool being asked if i was an american citizen..and it was kinda cool having to go by the border patrol like twice a day because yvonnes mom lived so close to the border..

her moms fiance was ok..but i dont know..its not that i didnt like him or anything because i dont know him..but he just annoyed me a bit..i dont like having someone try to tell me they know how to do something a better way and then proceed to showing how to do it the same way i was doing it before..im not stupid..i know how to work a computer..but that just annoyed me a lot and i was nice and listened to him and didnt say anything but its like give me a break ok..by the end her mom was getting tired of having to pay for my food and i didnt take advantage of it or anything..i didnt ask for anything special and always looked at prices..and yvonne told me later that her and her mom had a talk about how her mom said she would cover food for me as long as i got my own plane ticket and everything..so i mean i know it was a bit expensive sometimes..but i wouldnt have come if i wasnt welcome and her mom said it was perfectly ok for me to come you know..so her moms mood went up and down a bit while we were there and yvonne kept apologizing but its like really its ok..im used to it..she told me i was better at handling her moms mood than she was..and its like her mom is a much lesser degree of my mom...i know when to stay out of her way..i know when to leave her alone and i know most of all when to not draw attention to myself ..her mom is no problem at all..my mom is a lot of problems that just never end...feeling better now and its good to be back home but then being back home has its own set of problems

but while in cali we were at the bottom part..near the border of mexico..and we went to mexico and disneyland and hollywood! all very cool places..mexico was a little disappointing..but im not sure exactly why that is just yet..it just wasnt what i was expecting at all ..i dont know..but it was still cool to cross the border and all that fun stuff..disneyland was a lot of fun..we were there like all day long and we got there right after the park opened and stayed to see the fireworks..tower of terror was the best ride ever..and i had been on it before but i just wasnt expecting that first drop and it scared the crap out of me..got soaked riding the rapids ride..rode the dumbo ride and the roger rabbit ride was nice but toontown was just the neatest place ever..and a bunch of others..was a bit sad about not getting to do the nemo ride..took a picture with minnie mouse and the fairy godmother..rode the pirates of the carribean ride twice and even had dinner that the bayou resturant place and it really looks like your outside there! but by then i was so cold i was almost shivering enough that you could hear my teeth clicking..but we rode the rapids ride late in the day and then i got to walk around soaking wet for a couple hours cas the sun was going down and didnt have anything dry..but ended up buying a tshirt and a towel..well yvonne got the towel for me but its the greatest towel ever lol..and i actually ordered something i never had before and ended up liking it..but as usual what i would and wouldnt eat was the topic most days ..because it was harder for her mom to find something i would eat and i really wasnt trying to be difficult i just dont like a lot of stuff and her mom just kinda stopped trying after a while to specifically get something i would eat and so i just made do..not a huge deal since we ate out so much but it still came up..and it sucked but i guess i should be used to eat..since my eating habits are rather weird sometimes..hollywood was an adventure because well first it took forever to get back to la and then even longer to get to the other side of it..but we made it eventually and walked around a bit and saw the stars and the impersonators and the hand/foot prints..and then we went in search of a spot to take pictures of the hollywood sign and well we got lost lol..and had to keep turning around and finally ended up on a street that was like a great shot for getting it and so it worked out :) but i think the fireworks show was the best thing ever and so made the trip and going with yvonne and getting to ride all the 'kid' rides was a lot of fun too..because even didnt mind that i wanted to go and see the princesses or go to toontown (that place is awesome!!) or do the nemo ride that we didnt get to do..and we wore tiaras for that entire day and so the ppl that worked there kept saying we were princesses

not to mention i got a ticket last night..cas of my stupid inspection sticker being out of date..and i cant say its not my fault cas and i knew it was out of date and i just kept putting off getting it changed..it was the cop who gave it to me that just pissed me off big time..because it was the middle of the night and last night of all nights i had to run into the dui checkpoint..for the love of god i wanted to slap myself for that bit of luck..and it was just the guy could have been nicer about it and explained more without treating me like i had dome some huge thing wrong..and i had no idea about the registration card being unsigned ..and he pulled the i could throw u in jail for not signing it bit..and i was just stressing and on overload from all the lights and noise and worried about what was going to happen and just trying to get home...so it just kinda sucked for a bit last night..and cops are stupid..and now i have one more thing to try and take care of..and i told mommy enough about it this morning to let her know i got a citation thing and she told me how to get it taken care of..because i dont live in the county that i got the stupid thing in and im not driving back two hours just for a sticker..but i dont want to pay the 120 either..so i have to call the court and find out what to do about it...and i got home at like 2 this morning and had to get up around 7 ish to come and babysit..but mommy comes and says nothing to me except are you up yet before she leaves..didnt ask anything about my trip at all..

lots going on

hmm there is a lot going on..going out of town tomorrow night and trying to get all that stuff done and then all the stuff i need to have done for work..and just going to work and gas is killing me!

nia has the flu..go figure..and now is like freaking heck why did you have to get sick now..and now im like not feeling good yet again...but i took one of her flu pills last night so maybe that will help..

had a weird dream last night about my car...something along the lines of my brakes giving out and i was in the middle of traffic of course..and so i try to stop hitting one car and almost hit another one..so i end up stopping in the middle of traffic and tell nia to get out of the car..and i leave my car running in the middle of traffic..and all of a sudden i realize its running and moving and i cant get to it..and so theres this huge crash and fall off of something and my car is gone..and im more worried about mommy yelling at me than the fact that my car just blew up..it was weird

some stupid person almost hit me last night in a parking lot..because they didnt stop at the big stop sign that anyone can see and started to turn really fast and i was going out..and yea it was scary..he stopped eventually and backed up..but i thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest..

yesterday i had to drop everything i was doing to take nia to the doctor..after telling mommy i had plans that day and really needed to go to the office and get stuff turned in..and wed is my busy long day..but she didnt care one bit and i had to stop what i was doing to spend almost an hour and a half getting nia back and forth to the doc and all i got was a sorry too bad..what i was supposed to do just doesnt matter at all ..

i need to get out of here..mommy is just driving me crazy..and keeps calling me a bum because i prefer jeans and tshirts to anything else..and constantly telling me my clothes dont fit and i need to lose weight and everything is just making me upset..but guess i better stop complianing

just a little rant

so feeling better today..just a bit headachy off and on..but almost back to my reg old self..thankfully..have been lazing around today..playing videogames and playing online and looking at my room and planning to clean it up and start packing ! planning being the key word in that little part lol..but i do want to at least start packing because i have to leave straight from work friday night and coming home just isnt a good idea because then ill just be even later getting to gville and then we have to leave at 2 ish in the morning to go to the airport and im not gonna be in a ppleasant mood at all! but its just one less thing to stress about that ill stress about anyway!

but thats not whats bothering me so much...mommy after everything she said about not letting my nephew stay with us he is here and its just like why in the hell is he here and why hasnt he left yet...have you ever just had someone that instantly got on and stayed on your bad side no matter what ? obviously it takes an asful lot to get on my bad side but my nephew is just i dont know..i hate to say i dont like him but i really dont..because everyone has tried to help him and he just throws it back in their faces..he has gotten into trouble for everything and then its like he goes through every one and gets what he wants and then comes back like nothing happened and he can start over..for all of mommies fault she does help everyone if she can..you may not hear the end of it but she will help..and i hate that she is going to get stuck with him agian and its just not gonna work out..and its not like he hasnt lived here before..he grew up here..and lived with us for what 18 or so years and as a kid he was fine but then i dont know he just changed i suppose and got into drugs and everything..and its like geez we arent perfect at all but all of us either finished school and yet to college or got a job or lived away from home or something to just show we can take care of ourselves and do what we are supposed to do..and yea he grew up with us but its like he just expects everyone to do things for him and bail him out of trouble..and it gets on my nerves..i look at him and just dont see anything at all..and its just a pain having him in the house again..because i dont want my stuff to walk away when he leaves.and hes taken clothes and meds and junk out of my room before and its like ok dont leave anything down..and i told mommy i didnt want him here..but he got kicked out of some program in mi and came back here and called mommy cas he had no where else to go cas none of the other relatives here will take him in again..and so mommy caved and he is here and im waiting for him to leave..and i guess that makes me a bad person..cas i have no intention of giving him anything..i barely talk to him and sometimes it is like he isnt even in the house..but then he loses his temper and you just here stuff being thrown around downstairs and its like great hes gonna break something and then all hell will break lose..so i stay out of his way..he stays out of mine but just knowing he is here is enough to keep me on edge i guess..and even just being back for a few days he has hooked up with his old friends and its like hes just gonna get his self in trouble again

tired

feeling really floaty..alone..i dont know..maybe its just feeling spacey..but whatever it is i dont like it at all..had to wake up at 2 this morning to take mommy to the airport..a two and a half hour drive away..which she didnt trust me to do alone and so i had to have my older brother come with me..i didnt want him to come because well i could have done it by myself but also because she would make him drive at some point and im getting sick of him moving junk around in my car and changing the mirrors and stuff because then i can never get it back to the way i liked it..and gas is just to expensive now to keep having to go back and forth running errands for everyone and yet im still stuck doing it..so got back home around 6:30 in the morning and had to get up an hour later to take my sister to work and there went another hour and a half..i have big problems being woken up and not allowed to go back to sleep..and driving at 2 in the morning and being forced to stay awake wasnt cool and it was a huge just zone out time..like getting lost in my own little world and being jarred back out of it when mommy said something..i hate when it seems like i can go on autopilot and just do something but then someone outside of me messes it up and i have to go back to paying some sort of attention to whats going on...but im up and so tired but i dont even know if i can go back to sleep now..i thought i was going to zone out again when i had to take my sister to work but i think was to tired to do more than just stare at the road and hope i didnt hit anything..and today is going to be a late day because i get off work at 7 and have to go and babysit after that to around 11 i guess and then come home and then take myy brother to work in the morning and go clean the beach house on sunday for my other brother and go shopping for him and then go get mommy from the airport on sunday night around midnight and its like ok when am i supposed to be sleeping in there?! i dont do so hot with no sleep and its like everyone is expecting me to do a million things and no where in any of it is anyone taking into account that i might have something to do or something i want to do..i dont know just feeling lonely and dejected right now..maybe i should just go and lay down and see if i can fall asleep

hmmm

so i guess its prolly a bad thing that i dont remember even writing here lately...


sooo havent been feeling to good but riley had the flu over the weekend and i was with him and so i freaked about getting it and spent quite a bit of time trying to talk him even into taking his meds! but i was there all weekend and his parents were out of town so he elected to sleep with me and it was just if i dont have it by the time i leave im not getting it lol..but ive been feeling sick but i dont think i had the flu completely..maybe a low grade part flu part cold or something..but just headachy and cranky and major tired..but im feeling a bit better today..and ive been making myself go to work ! so i cant get stuck in the im sick i dont want to do anything phase..still a bit fuzzy headed and out of it but its not so bad today

gotta catch up on some back paperwork today..before going to work..im still up state the state cut my hours but oh well..i have a job and i just have to keep reminding myself of that..and once i start getting paid things will get a little bit easier..

annnnnnnnnnnnd

im going to cali!!!! i got my plane ticket yesterday and it took all the money i had and then some but im goiing !! i almost didnt think it would work out but in the end i got the ticket and so broke its not e ven funny but im still going to cali in a week or so! i really cant believe it worked out and that im getting to go..because the tickets just kept going up in price and then i had to wait until i had money and the airports we left from would have to be a huge factor cas her mom couldnt go to two different airports..and so it was a lot of talking on the phone and stuff to get it work out..but it did and so i get to go..and im worried about money but im hoping to babysit so that ill have a little extra money..and mommy did say she would give me some before i left..so now i have to work on packing and figuring out what im taking and all that fun stuff..and how we are getting to the airport..and if my car is going or not..so just some little stuff to still work outand when i get back all my money has to go into my car to get it worked on and bills of course..so im hoping it works out at least enough that nothing is late...and yvonne is the coolest for even asking me if i wanted to go..and she is going to help me pay for the parks and stuff! and even cooler we may be seeing jim while we are there.i have really missed him and really hadnt considered how much we were together until well hes across the country and i have no one to talk to and be silly with anymore! so it would really be cool to see him

and i can not believe cali doesnt have sweet tea !! are they in the dark ages or something ?! holy cow thats gonna be a hard 7 days to make it through with no sweet tea lol

annnnd im going to be nias maid of honor! and then i remembered why it was i said no the first time she asked..darn it i dont like being in pictures ..blah.. but i do want to be the maid of honor and its cool she asked me and i guess ill be suffering for a few hours for her benefit..and we are having an after party for her wedding lol..cant have alcohol at the wedding because of mommy and its like ok this is so not gonna work lol..so we are planning on going somewhere else and partying later that night :)

hmmm yesterday kinda sucked royally on some levels but i dont think i cared and i still dont...got really really mad and annoyed at mommy because she asked me to let wayne take my car and when shes asks to borrow my car for him i dont get a lecture on how he isnt insured and anything could happen and all this stuff and i had been ok with letting him borrow it a little bit not a lot or anything..and i was in trouble for doing it..but when she asks then its ok and its not a big deal anymore and he will be fine driving it and it was just like i dont know..and i was over at dees house looking up stuff for the ticket and checking my email and all this other stuff i wanted to do and shes hounding me about leaving and going home so they could take my car..and its like i didnt promise it to them but im rushed to go and give it to them...how is it that when she wants something i have to drop everything to give it to her but she tells me i want everything my way when i want something or need something..or that im being selfish..and nothing i said yesterday really mattered and it was like ok fine dont listen to me..i already know how to make you listen..and the entire 20 or so mins it took me to get home all i thought about was that no one ever listens to me..or it feels like no one ever listens to me or ppl talk over me or its like im not even there..and its like geez what do i have to do to get attention...so i cut the heck out of my ankle and didnt feel bad about it at all..it doesnt really hurt today but yesterday after destroying a sock it was like one second of holy hell im gonna be in trouble..and then it was the usual cover your tracks type thinking..but it was a bit messier than usual becuase it was a new razor and those are just sickeningly easy to use...wanted to do my wrist but no way to hide it really..gotta find my wrist bands again..but anyway..its not a big deal..they are all better

and guess thats all my usual news

riley and harris have email addresses again now and they email me like once a day to ask how i am and if im at work lol.

off day

dont know..feeling a bit sad today..anxious about everything and worrying about everything..lots of thoughts going around my head..wondering if thing will work out and what im supposed to be doing with my life..gotta love that question floating around in my head..because when im forced to relook at me life i dont really like what i see ..cant really base it on what i remember..but what i see its like i dont know..theres not enough fun..enough acceptance..just not enough of anything really..in passing i get glimpses of things i love..things i had fun doing, of hugs, and safety and just a bit of love..and then they are gone again..slipping through my fingers..always just out of my grasp and so i cant hold on to anything..sometimes i reread of of my happy times..like writing about key west the other day made me happy..i could feel all the laughter and smiles i had down there..all the nights my coworker told me he wouldnt leave me alone while we were out..all the times the guys we met told me oh much he talked about me and looked after me even if i didnt see him for a few hours..sure it was a bit weird being tucked in by a guy i didnt know but my coworker was still there to make sure i was ok (long story on that one)..and i can still remember our trip to cumberland is..i remember how much fun it was and how happy i was there..i remember the long long drive back and how we spent hours talking on the bus about movies and books..2 hours devoted to harry potter and breaking down the movies and the characters and then plots..we talked about romeo and juliet and venice beach and the remake of that movie..tv shows and camp and everything until i had to turn around and sit correctly in my seat because it was getting dark and i couldnt see the kids as well..but once i stop actively thinking about things like that they just go away..its like they never happened and if i look to hard ill never find them again.. i dont want to lose the little things i remember..then its like i have nothing to be happy for at all

im jealous i guess..im missing my old job a lot right now..and i dont even think its the job as much as missing the kids i worked with and the planning and fun of expecting to see them again over the summer when i did work there..and now on facebook i see the tali group again being active and im not apart of that world anymore..i wont be telling the funny stories or talking about ways to deal with the kids who are harder to work with..i wont be around the ppl i liked again or in the atmosphere i liked..but i also cant forget why it is i left in the first place and how i was treated..i dont want that again..and i know i wont ever be able to let that go enough to go back..but a part of me really really misses it..

tired`

not feeling to thrilled this morning..ok just really in a bad mood about everything..last night being at home with mommy being upstairs and yelling about everything just kinda threw me off..had gotten used to her just coming home and going to bed but last night she wanted to clean so she was around my room and telling me to do a better job and all this stuff..and this morning at 6 she was up cleaning again..made enough noise t o wake me up and didnt bother stopping for an hour..so now im up and so tired i just want to fall over and feeling so tired and upset and annoyed and freaking pissed off.. she could have cared less about how much noise she made and proceeded to drop every freaking thing she had i swear...i dont care about the cleaning but god she could have waited a couple hours..but me sleeping is not a big deal at all and that was her way of letting me know i needed to get up anyway ..
really wanted to cut last night..had a razor and everything..but i didnt

may not be going to ccali because the flights are to expensive..i was a bit wrong in my calculations and thinking the tickets would be under $300..too bad there not..so we will just keep an eye on the prices i guess..and if i can go i go but if not ill have to let her know sometime today that its not definite..blah..i hate not having money..but then just having an extra 500 thats not for anything else has never happened before..so not a huge deal i suppose..maybe another time.. knew it wouldnt be a good idea to get my hopes up

guess i better get off my butt and go get ready to babysit before everyone starts looking for me..

moving..traveling..something

maybe i should move to denmark so i can go to a beth hart concert..better yet i should get a passport so i can go whereever i want too.maybe ill pick somewhere overseas to live for a while? dont know..

another day

hmm major headache right now but also lots of excitement too ..kinda ..trying not to get to excited becuase it may not work out..buuuuut yvonne asked me today if i would go to cali with her for her spring break! which is like the coolest thing anyone has ever asked me to do ... ive only been to cali once and that was forever ago ..i have no idea where we went or what we did..but she also mentioned we would go to new mexico for a few days too..and its like being gone for a week or so..and shes begging her mom for extra money for when i get there..and im begging mommy for money so i can go lol..although i asked mommy about going and what yvonne asked and she said to look up tickets and if it wasnt to much she would help me pay for one..i know ill regret borrowing the money from her but i do want to go..and its like i have to save and save everything i get so i can make sure bills are covered before i go and everything and well i hope it works out..i really really do!

work is going good :)
it was a rreal confidence booster to work with my 14yr old yesterday and he just started smiling at me and being in a good mood and his dad came in and was like whatever you just did keep doing it lol:).. and its also really cool that the dad actually asked the supervisor if i would keep working with his son because the reg worker isnt coming back now ..and i would really like to stay with him because i do like him and his dad. but i wasnt expecting my supervisor to tell me today that the dad really liked me and wanted to know if i would keep working with his son if i could..dont really expect to hear stuff like that you know..and i saw my baby today and i have to do the paperwork for him lol.but i was also informed that next week i would be leading the session *insert nervous face here* lol..my supervisor told me not to worry but of course i will lol..i mean it is really like just playing with him and prompting him to speak and do the developmental stuff..but doing it and having her watching me is like holy cow! the babies only get one hour a week and my 14yr old is 5 days a week and the other guy they are looking at for me is 5 days a week also..but they are trying to work out my hours so i can have my babies and two clients also ..and still get close to 40 hours a week since i cant have more than that !

and the new beth hart cd rocks lol..just had to add that in ! will have to post the lyrics for my two new favoritest songs

dusti is getting into everything as usual and i swear some nights i have no idea where she is even hanging out at lol..one of her favorite spots is on the couch in the hallway but shes sitting underneath the chair thats upside down on the couch ..it looks like shes in jail but the pictures are funny..

nia is engaged..which is really cool and fun and im happy for her..the wedding is going to be in aug

been thinking some about cutting and stuff with everything that is going on..but trying not too..i think about it and plan it and then dont do it..hmm i want to but i dont at the same time..its just weird i guess

hmm

dont really know whats going on in my head..something is really bothering me though..i realized why it is i hate clocks and time though..

maybe im just overly tired and its making me cranky ..dont know

randomness

hmm a bit about nothing

got a new phone today....wonder what someone else would think opening my phone and seeing the uh colorful ballon filled picture but have finally upgraded to a camera phone lol..a big deal for me because im so not a phone person and could care less about all the extra features but figured it was time to upgrade a bit..still learning it though

didnt work tonight be cuase the family was sick and well now is just not the time for me to get sick you know..planning on taking cold meds just incase! but spent that time at the library catching up on work paperwork..still not finished but ive started now at least and i have a couple more days to fill in and then i have to go and drop it off tomorrow morning early so its not late..part of me just wants to turn it in so i can have it looked at and my mistakes pointed out ..so ill know what i need to work on and how to do it and everything..maybe the stress of doing them will lower then

got two new journals today..one is a fill in the questions one aan its like self discovery type stuff..can always use a bit more self discovery! and one is just a regular journal but its a big solid one and it makes me think of writing a book everytime i look at it because its just like a reg sized text book lol..ok a bit smaller but bigger than a reg sized journal lol..and i think ive just managed to confuse myself! but just wanted a new one for actually writing stuff down in..since i can no longer just pop online and write as much since my computer isnt hooked up anymore

hmm loving the double standard mommy has placed on my money yet again..i cant spend it but i can loan it to her..stupid me..once again i assume the this time it will be diffferent and after im lectured about not using it and not going out or anything (like i do anyhting like that anyway) she asks to borrow some to pay stuff..and its like ok you just tell me not to use it and then turn around and ask for some and then when it comes time to pay bills and i dont have enough then its my fault for not managing my money correctly..and then i fill stupid for doing something i want to do like buying new journals because i just want them..

omg

omg the bank stuff is worked out !! im so happy right now..gosh i didnt think it would get fixed so soon and it did and i was feeling guilty for filing the claim thing in the first place and now im so glad mommy made me do it ..ill regret saying that at another time but for right now im just excited that the bank fixed it for me and gave me the money back ... it doesn't feel like the world is going to end tomorrow and now i can pay mommy back and get that taken care of..and i had been so afraid of checking my account because i didnt want to find out that something else had bounced and i was being charged even more money..but its all been put back and the charges taken care of..and its like a huge load off! and i will be ok until i start getting paid regularly


wow wasnt expecting that !! umm was gonna write about other stuff and now im all side tracked and cant get past that .. ok i better get back to babysitting lol

food issues galore

sometimes im just left to wonder if she does some of these things on purpose you know? because she knows ill give an actual reaction to what is being said some times maybe she constantly tells me i suck or i should do thisor i need to keep looking for a job or lose weight because she wants me to be 'sick' in a way so that i will have to keep depending on her in some sort of way without it seeming like i am this morning we had another talk ..this time it was about how im not making enough and how i need to keep looking for a job with benefits and how i need to lose weight and should change my diet and she knows why i gained weight and all this stuff..i know now it was very stupid of me to mention last night that all she does is ask how much im making..because then she had all night to think about it and then this morning i got a talk about how shes only doing it because she wants to make sure im making what im supposed to make. first im making more now than i was at my other job..and i dont plan on working here more than a year and a half full time because of wanting to go back to school..if i suddenly die between now and then because i dont have health insurance then i guess thats just to bad..considering how much ive been thinking about dying id say health insurance is the least of my worries right now but anyway when it got onto the subject of that im not losing weight fast enough i wondered why it has to matter so much first off but then of course she had to throw in all the junk about how its unhealthy and how i was doing much better a couple years ago and how the docs have talked to me about it in the past and its like gee make me feel better why dont you..and then it went to you know your eating ot many carbs and need to stop and you need to exercise and i wonder if she would say anything if i asked if it was ok to start throwing up my food again or hiding it or just not eating period..what would she have to say on that? would i get more tips on how to not eat and what i should and shouldnt eat? would that make it any better? i hate how she can pull up the parts of me that just live to do what she asks and if she says dont eat then they wont..if she said go jump off a bridge im sure it would be taken into consideration..and so we talked about being vegetarian and what it meant giving up and now mommy is saying she is going to become a vegetarian and stop eating meat and stuff and so she can do it with me and diet and theres going to be a competition to see who can lose the most weight and all this stuff came up..and i mentioned i was thinking of becoming vegan and i just wanted to scream at myself to shut up because i didnt want her to know that just yet but now she does and i guess shes just thrilled about it because thats one more way for her to boast about me being healthier and losing weight..but what she fails to realize is that i dont eat vegetables and could care less about them..and it makes being a vegan a lot harder because its like well i dont like soy milk ( ive actually tried it and almond milk also before) i dont like soy cheese, i dont like tofu ..do we see a trend here?! god saying im vegan is like saying i might as well just not eat and save myself the trouble of stressing over what we can and cant have..but since thats not going to happen it seems i have a week to figure it all out yea part of me wondered if i could do it which is why we had been talking about it in the first place but i wasnt sure i was a ctually going to do it and now its like god someone said it and it cant be taken back now and so once again im roped into doing something im not sure i want to do..and she is going to 'mention' it to my younger sister to see if she wants to do it too..and i know my sister she will say no but mommy will push and push until she agrees and then she will just eat meat when mommy isnt around..which would make the whole thing pointless but thats just how mommy works..she will push until she wins and then its just a matter of how well you can hide i guess..i dont know its makes all the days and months of being ok and not purging seem like a waste..like i should have just stuck with it and not bothered to stop..whats the point of trying if in the end im going to be asked to possibly do it again and its not even about possibly being asked i guess..its more like being given the chance to do it again with little reprocussion in a way..like here you can have an eating disorder as long as you stick to these guidelines about it..

lots of thinking

which ive decided i really need to stop doing..lots of stuff in my head lately and im not even sure what i really want to write about..im getting tired of writing about mommy nad everything that goes on with her but i guess being at home makes her a big part of daily life..how utterly depressing it is to go out to dinner on vday with the one person i really dont like being around..most of my day was spent running around doing stuff for work and trying to fix nias comp and it seems to be working now so im hoping it will hold out until im done writing this at least..but the dinner out was my vday present from mommy and she asked this morning and of course in a way that made it almost impossible to say no without seeming like a flat out not so nice person..so i went and it was a lot of being asked questions i didnt want to answer and suddenly having a job with so many hipaa rules seems like a grand idea! but its like she could care less about my actually job..all she wants to know is how much im mamking and prooceeds to ask me that anytime i mention getting a new client or someone new to work with or even if im just shadowing someone..its just a pain..and when i told her all she asks about is how much im told shes doing it just to make sure i know what im being paid..well gee i would hope i knew or had some idea..but oh well..just kinda sucks to be talking about the weather and im trying to say that it was warmer when i left the house without a coat and wasnt expecting the temp to drop and she just keeps telling me how cold it was and what the temp was..and finally i got the picture and stopped trying to say it was warmer..pretty much stopped talking then..well i now remember why it is i dont talk alot..kinda stupid how really simple it all is..behaviors have to come ffrom somewhere right..

hmmm ive enjoyed working this week at least..my fillin job is actually a lot of fun minus the paperwork stuff..try hard to keep home stuff away from job stuff because i dont want the two to mix at all..so im enjoying it and today i had a meeting with the family i may be working with on a reg basis and im hoping to hear back from my supervisor tomorrow or next week to get started..i have more extra work for next week and can possibly keep filling in for a bit longer if im needed..and i got my first baby this week :) im still shadowing but i have a baby! he was really sweet even if i wasnt doing anything but watching last time..slowly my schedule is filling up and ill be happy when its set but for now i dont mind doing fillin work either..i swear ive doe more stuff with my 14yr old this week than i have in weeks..even if it is forr only little bits of time and i know im doing it for him..i thikn its good for me to get out too..because then im forced to do stuff and not hide in the house all day..im hoping this job will help me start talking more but if not i gu ess ill have to go to therapy...at some point..again..but anyway..im liking my job..its like i matter again just a little bit and my degree matters and its like im doing something good and not wasting away behind a desk..because for some reason i cant stand steady 9 to 5 at all

my head has been a millioin miles away this week..like everything just went away for a while and nothing was ever going to make anything better..and true i still feel really hopeless and upset about a lot of stuff and empty about all the rest..im still doing what i have to do i guess..and thats the important thing..at least for now anyway..i need to keep doing everything im supposed to be doing because then i stop thinking about everything else for a bit..im actually considering becoming a vegan just for the abusrdness of it..not for forever but only for a year or so to see if i can do it or not..and i say vegan because thats as strict as it can be and then i cant bend the rules and stuff..for now im just thinking about it but i think i will within the next week or so then ill be forrced to eat healthy and pay attention and quit binging..actually thought about purging this afternoon and couldnt but it wasnt fun even thinking about it

nia is in cali now and i hope she has a good time but still im jealous she got to go and im stuck here

been really forgetfull lately..as soon as i hear something i forget it when i move on to something else..more so with mommy when shes telling me stuff on the phone and that i have to do it and then i hang up and forget everything she said until hours later when suddenly its like darnit i forgot to do blahblahblah and instantly i think of being in trouble and getting yelled at and so i rush to cath up and do what im supposed to..

its getting chilly again..so i guess ill go because nias room is cold and i dont want to push my luck and the net starts acting up again..

stupid me

i was really dumb enough to think that paying bills was the most important thing..that saving what i could to make sure i was keeping up with bills even though i didnt have a real job was what i was supposed to do..but i guess i was wrong..and now with my bank account all messed up and my car insurance about to be sent back its like now mommy has to bring up how much she has helped me and loaned me money in the past and like when i was moving and how i hadnt paid any of it back and that ive been making money and obviously just blowing it on junk or something because i should have had more and i guess i just pretty much suck for not paying more attention and offering to help more and give her what i was making from babysitting..i thought i was doing good because i was managing bills and thing a little bit and wasnt having to ask her to borrow money..but then all the stuff that she was buying for me that i wasnt asking for she was adding up anyway..and so its like shes spending all her extra money to buy me a couple shirts that i didnt want or need but cant turn around and give back now ..but now it all gets thrown back at me..the one time i really dont have money and im waiting for account to get straightened out and now she wants to talk about what ive been doing with all my money..i want to ask how it is she can get info on my bills without me around and then tell me what i should be paying and that ive been laying about how much money i really had..and i just want to tell her its not any of her business what im making or not making or what im paying and trying to take care of..if its about me then why in the hell can she get ppl to pull up my info in the first place? and then i go and call and stuff to ask about my account or insurance or something and she turns around after telling me to call and she calls and then comes back and tells me all this stuff i already knew but now feel stupid about because somehow she always manages to do it better than me and has to tell me what to do..and so now my acount is messed up and its my fault and i cant fix it..and out of no where she just asks me to bring her something at work and as soon as she says that she wants to talk to me i know im in trouble..i feel stupider for not figuring it out before i managed to get here..i would have stayed at home but i guess it wouldnt have mattered because she would have had her say in the end anyway..and so it was like being in another meeting where all im left doing is defending myself and what ive done..god i bought a new webkinz..that was such a stupid idea on my part..i mean why would i even consider buying something i like and just want to have for once..stupid me for not offering to help out more at home..even though im always the one taking ut the trash or cleaning the bathrooms and the kitchen and its not like im looking for a thanks or anything but at least an acknowledgment would be nice..but thats too much to ask and so i tell myself it doesnt matter and i dont care..and its not like i can get away with not doing because god she sure noticed when i didnt clean upstairs..doesnt matter that the ppl were in there working on the electrical stuff most of the day and then i left o babysit ..but yea i got a call later telling me how much of a disappointment it was that i was at home and left without cleaning up and its not like im not asked to do a lot but i can do what little im asked to do..every stupid thing makes me a loser and im not trying hard enough to be good and do what im supposed to do..and so its like why try..why bother doing anything..its really hard explaining to someone else how it is that i have to do what im told or the world might as well just end and kill me in the process..it doesnt make sense to anyone else andmost of the time i just try not to think about it..but then i have a morning like this morning and everything just feels like its crashing down on my head and im trying to work and stay busy and do what i thought i was supposed to do just to have it all turned around and im not doing enough..im not helping enough..and its like i have to remind myself to stay in my place and not forget what it is im expected to be and what im expected to do..and none of it revolves around me at all..as i was told today also..the world doesnt revolve around me..its not like i ask for anything at all and i dont ask to go anywhere or do anything extra and if im not running errands for mommy then i can almost always be found at home..i dont even think ill be going back to greenville anymore because i really dont want to be around anyone right now but also because i just keep thinking i will bring it up and mommy will just pull out this bill of things i owe her and have to pay on before i can do anything else..already im trying to figure out when i can babysit and how ill have to break up the money i make..i cant think about the future because im afraid it will make me suicidal again..i dont even want to think about this afternoon anymore..i was happy about going to work and now its all i can do not to cry right now..because ive been stuck at dees all morning with money and im waiting for her to get back..and there where things i wanted to do at home and i wont have time to do anything..ill just be able to go home and change and then head back out to go to work..what i wanted to do wasnt important enough anyway..soo why bother..all i want to do right now is just hide or disappear or anything that will make me stop hurting ..if i could be invisible i would..all morning its like dont cry because you know if she sees me crying she will call me a baby and tell me to stop because i have nothing to cry for and shes trying to talk to me like an adult..well gee i never realized this was how adults talk so sorry for me once again being stupid and clueless about something..forcing back all the thoughts and feelings running through my head..ive almost mastered feeling numb again..might as well not talk until im spoken to and if i could get away with not breathing i wouldnt do that either..because some how i just manage to attract trouble and even when im not doing anything im blamed some how..how much trouble can one person get into ? i want to be left alone..i want everyone to pretend i dont exist..i want to go away..i just want to be there without really being there..and im trying to remember how i managed that before ..and first thing is cutting..and i know if im going for empty that works awfully well and i dont care enough right now to even talk myself out of that one..i really dont care at all..im just here to be walked on so not a huge deal what i do when no one bothers noticing anyway..just have to tell myself i cant really just die right now..go back to walking that fine line between living and dying..and i have to be happy and ok for work and then turn into a zombie when im at home because otherwise im just being mean or loud or something..i really am nothing and i guess it just makes me even stupider to keep forgetting that..go back to im fine mode..all i have to do is enough to make it through the day..i dont do more than that anyway

guilt and a whole bunch of other stuff

yesterday i was at home for part of the day and had started cleaning when mommy called for the millionth time and i told her i was in the middle of cleaning already when she went off on her rant about what needed to be done..she ended up telling me i was cutting her off but whatever because its perfectly ok for her to hang up on me when shes in a bad mood..but anyway later after i had gone to the health dept for my tb test stuff i got two calls from my job asking about clients and stuff and so ill be working next week and im really excited about that..i was hoping for one call next week and i get two this week! one is just a fill in for a week and im fine with that and one is a potential client and im just going to meet his family sometime next week and see if i would like to work with them and they also get to have a say in whether they want me to work with there son..so i have to remind myself to not get so worked up and upset over nothing..i have to respect the parents wishes..not a big deal but i know my feelings will be hurt if im told they parents do not want me to be there..and i guess they would feel hurt if i said no but if we dont get along or something it would suck for the client you know..so i just have to kinda keep all of that in mind when i meet them..not a huge deal i guess for some ppl but for me the small stuff throws me sometimes..so thats mostly whats going on next week..oh and i have baby training next week too and i am really excited about that because then i can start working with the babies soon too!

bank stuff is driving me insane..i agree i find it really weird that the company managed to get money out of my account without so much as a phone call to me about it and its ruined my account and so i had to file a claim this morning with my bank but i dont know how long it will take to be fixed..and i dont have the 700 plus dollars to put in my account to cover the overdrafts and stuff this has caused..i dont even have enough to cover insurance and it wouldnt have been so bad had my account not gone into negative and the money i had was left alone but now its like a battle to catch everything and cover what i can but its just stressing me out big time and i hate being told not to stress and worry about it..but i have to its my account and my bills are going haywire and i have to worry because i cant do anything else but call and wait and find out if things can be paid a little bit later..what little im getting back for my taxes is going to go into the bank and that wont even cover all the charges and i was really hoping i would have that money to pay bills with and i cant even do that now..when i signed up for direct deposit with my other job it was only for direct deposit and so the fact that they reversed and took back what was put into my account without so getting in touch with me is a huge pain in the butt..and then my actual job knew nothing about it which makes it all the more weirder..ugh and it all sucks because now everything is once again falling apart since i was planing on the money i had to cover bills and its all gone..the little bit i have in savings cant even begin to cover it all ... so im happy to be working next week so ill start actually getting a steady pay check in march ..and that seems forever away but its really only a couple weeks now..maybe 3 i think..but still immediately it sucks

and one of the things that came up yesterday while i was out and doing stuff for mommy...because i went out and came back and earlier mommy had told me that i would have to bring wayne to town and it was like ok whatever..i got home and suddenly i didnt have to take him but suddenly i just had to come now and get something for nia and take it to her job and then wait around for her to get off of work and take her back to town and go and get stuff for her trip..but when i went and got the stuff from mommy she was all mad at me because i was annoyed and the way i was answering her questions.and it was like why do i have to be happy to be running errands for her and stopping what i wanted to do because i just had to go and do something for her ..and i wonder why its not enough that i do it..why do i have to be happy to do something i dont want to do in the first place? why do i have to be made to feel guilty because im not being happy enough..what else can anyone want from me? its not fair that i cant be whatever it is i want to be or feel or something..and its like no one can handle if im upset or something..and so i have to keep it away and keep being happy even if im not..its not much fun at all..its a pain because everyone tells me im ok and im not but i cant be upset about anything because then they may have to ask why im not ok and no one really wants to know i guess..least of all mommy..

things kinda really bite right now...in the hole money wise and stressing out big time bout it..waiting on answers about it to find how how the company could just put money in my account and then turn around and days later just take it back out! what the heck are they trying to do and so everything is just screwed and im pretty much told to suck it up and not to cry about it..funny how that works..that whole validation thing that i keep seeming to miss...i really just hope im not stuck at home all weekend..

ugh

i hate being treated like im stupid..i hate being talked to like im stupid and i hate most of all not being able to keep how much money i have and what i do with my money to myself...its worse now that im at home but its not like im asking to borrow money or something from her..its the oppisite and i am managing to take care of my bills and get things paid that i need to and i know what im paying and when and still its like she has to be in charge and is yelling at me about how much money i have and dont have and what i should be paying and what i dont need to be buying..god i idont do that much stuffi in the first place and its not like im spending all my money on nothing and just blowing it because i have it..give me some credit here..she was with me when i went to do my taxes and just kept butting and saying stuff that had nothing to do with what i was doing and she just had to be in charge and in control and she stayed until she found out how much i was getting back and then she left...all the time shes asking how much i have..but im taking care of my own freaking bills and its like it counts for nothing at all and i dont know what im doing and all this stuff and its just a pain in the butt bug time..and if i lose my temper or even seem like im mad then im back to being selfish and mean .. it sucks..

and after i was so happyish and ok the past few days..even today because i was managing to get stuff done and actually being able to stay on task and run errands i needed to run..and relax at home and read or play video games when i wasnt doing anything..and its like she comes home and im in trouble for not cleaning up and im getting yelled at about money and its like all the good i was feeling a minute ago is just sucked away and i go back to feeling miserable again..it just sucks

update of sorts

well its been a busy few days..some ups and downs as usual but today is made me feel more optimistic than i have been in a while..training was today and i was really worried about it and stressing as i usually do and wasnt feeling to good yesterday or this morning from everything! but then i left this morning and actually ended up enjoying training as much as one can enjoy listenign to a bunch of rules and policies..everyone was really nice and i really do like the ppl in charge there..the paperwork part of things was overwhelming big time but that didnt even bother me as usual as it usually does..its like im just waiting to get started and i think just being out of the house and kknowing i was doing something productive really helped my outlook..being stuck at home and not doing anything was killing me..i know i was babysitting on the weekends but even that wasnt really enough you know..im used to working or being busy and just so much time was driving me insane..but im liking training so far..i have to go tomorrow but i dont have to go the last two days...because i already have my certs and im just going to do the recert classes instead of taking the whole day class thing..and that makes me feel better too...i talked some in training today but it was also a lot of listening and learning the rules and policies and stuff..it was really interesting getting to talk about all of the different mental illness's and the syptoms and things..i still find that so so interesting! but it was fun and i really liked that part best i think..and then came home and the ppl are here working on the lights and some electrical stuff and they had my room fixed again and that made me feel alot better..because i came home yesterday and had no lights in my room and that really rreally pissed me off after being gone all weekend to come home to no lights in my room and my room was the only one not working..but its fixed and the other lights that were working are fixed and its really nice the have them back on lol..

speent the weekend with riley and harris again and had our usual fun goofing off and chasing each other around the house and tickling and playing scrabble and cnoversating with my friend from israel lol..harris has learned the fine art of chatting online and i let him talk to a friend of mine and now he is positive he knows her and wants to talk to her again lol..and i know im staying with them this coming up weekend also cas there mom is out of town again..and even though there dad is there he kinda likes or me to hang around and its like im getting paid while im there regardless..its like i get paid to have fun and watch movies and hang out lol..who could ask for a better parrt time job :) and harris and riley are both becoming pros at cooking breakfast food! they can now both make pancakes and eggs with little prompting from me :) and they like doing it! this weekend is harris's birthday also and he is turning 9..gosh i feel so old lol considering i have been babysitting him for 9 years and riley for 10..and then harris is using all the age jokes he can and he called me ma'm the other day and i told him he was pushing it lol..i told them they could have me for a year before i left again...talk about attached ..but with those two i dont mind..saw the other 2 girls i used to watch on sunday when they came to visit my two and they both gave me hugs and there mom gave me a hug and its like with both of those families i belong there..im usefull..wonder why that doesnt happen at home?

and to make my night better..i got some extra money and it just made paying bills this month so much easier! im so excited and happy right now..like i can breathe a little bit easier knowing i will make it another month because i was worried since it waws explained today that it would be a little while before i actually started getting paid regularly with my new job..so that was a huge huge big deal..and i wouldnt have even know about it if i hadnt checked my bank account!! wow..now i want to go and trat myself to something nice but ill have to wait until later in the week to do something. funny sometimes how things just manage to work out isnt it..

i hate this feeling

....i think of all the normal and logical emotions i really really hate anger the most..i dont know how to express or get over it or deal with it or anything..its just there rolling around in my head and i dont know what to say to make it go away or become bearable again..i just hate when something sets me off like this and then im stuck because of those the first thing i do is start yelling at myself for being so stupid and after that comes all the wonderful thoughts of cutting just to make it all go away..and it doesnt really solve anything and if im trying not to cut then im just stuck with the back and forth feeling in my head and feeling like im going to explode because ..ugh i dont know..what exactly am i supposed to say or do to make it better?