tired

feeling really floaty..alone..i dont know..maybe its just feeling spacey..but whatever it is i dont like it at all..had to wake up at 2 this morning to take mommy to the airport..a two and a half hour drive away..which she didnt trust me to do alone and so i had to have my older brother come with me..i didnt want him to come because well i could have done it by myself but also because she would make him drive at some point and im getting sick of him moving junk around in my car and changing the mirrors and stuff because then i can never get it back to the way i liked it..and gas is just to expensive now to keep having to go back and forth running errands for everyone and yet im still stuck doing it..so got back home around 6:30 in the morning and had to get up an hour later to take my sister to work and there went another hour and a half..i have big problems being woken up and not allowed to go back to sleep..and driving at 2 in the morning and being forced to stay awake wasnt cool and it was a huge just zone out time..like getting lost in my own little world and being jarred back out of it when mommy said something..i hate when it seems like i can go on autopilot and just do something but then someone outside of me messes it up and i have to go back to paying some sort of attention to whats going on...but im up and so tired but i dont even know if i can go back to sleep now..i thought i was going to zone out again when i had to take my sister to work but i think was to tired to do more than just stare at the road and hope i didnt hit anything..and today is going to be a late day because i get off work at 7 and have to go and babysit after that to around 11 i guess and then come home and then take myy brother to work in the morning and go clean the beach house on sunday for my other brother and go shopping for him and then go get mommy from the airport on sunday night around midnight and its like ok when am i supposed to be sleeping in there?! i dont do so hot with no sleep and its like everyone is expecting me to do a million things and no where in any of it is anyone taking into account that i might have something to do or something i want to do..i dont know just feeling lonely and dejected right now..maybe i should just go and lay down and see if i can fall asleep

hmmm

so i guess its prolly a bad thing that i dont remember even writing here lately...


sooo havent been feeling to good but riley had the flu over the weekend and i was with him and so i freaked about getting it and spent quite a bit of time trying to talk him even into taking his meds! but i was there all weekend and his parents were out of town so he elected to sleep with me and it was just if i dont have it by the time i leave im not getting it lol..but ive been feeling sick but i dont think i had the flu completely..maybe a low grade part flu part cold or something..but just headachy and cranky and major tired..but im feeling a bit better today..and ive been making myself go to work ! so i cant get stuck in the im sick i dont want to do anything phase..still a bit fuzzy headed and out of it but its not so bad today

gotta catch up on some back paperwork today..before going to work..im still up state the state cut my hours but oh well..i have a job and i just have to keep reminding myself of that..and once i start getting paid things will get a little bit easier..

annnnnnnnnnnnd

im going to cali!!!! i got my plane ticket yesterday and it took all the money i had and then some but im goiing !! i almost didnt think it would work out but in the end i got the ticket and so broke its not e ven funny but im still going to cali in a week or so! i really cant believe it worked out and that im getting to go..because the tickets just kept going up in price and then i had to wait until i had money and the airports we left from would have to be a huge factor cas her mom couldnt go to two different airports..and so it was a lot of talking on the phone and stuff to get it work out..but it did and so i get to go..and im worried about money but im hoping to babysit so that ill have a little extra money..and mommy did say she would give me some before i left..so now i have to work on packing and figuring out what im taking and all that fun stuff..and how we are getting to the airport..and if my car is going or not..so just some little stuff to still work outand when i get back all my money has to go into my car to get it worked on and bills of course..so im hoping it works out at least enough that nothing is late...and yvonne is the coolest for even asking me if i wanted to go..and she is going to help me pay for the parks and stuff! and even cooler we may be seeing jim while we are there.i have really missed him and really hadnt considered how much we were together until well hes across the country and i have no one to talk to and be silly with anymore! so it would really be cool to see him

and i can not believe cali doesnt have sweet tea !! are they in the dark ages or something ?! holy cow thats gonna be a hard 7 days to make it through with no sweet tea lol

annnnd im going to be nias maid of honor! and then i remembered why it was i said no the first time she asked..darn it i dont like being in pictures ..blah.. but i do want to be the maid of honor and its cool she asked me and i guess ill be suffering for a few hours for her benefit..and we are having an after party for her wedding lol..cant have alcohol at the wedding because of mommy and its like ok this is so not gonna work lol..so we are planning on going somewhere else and partying later that night :)

hmmm yesterday kinda sucked royally on some levels but i dont think i cared and i still dont...got really really mad and annoyed at mommy because she asked me to let wayne take my car and when shes asks to borrow my car for him i dont get a lecture on how he isnt insured and anything could happen and all this stuff and i had been ok with letting him borrow it a little bit not a lot or anything..and i was in trouble for doing it..but when she asks then its ok and its not a big deal anymore and he will be fine driving it and it was just like i dont know..and i was over at dees house looking up stuff for the ticket and checking my email and all this other stuff i wanted to do and shes hounding me about leaving and going home so they could take my car..and its like i didnt promise it to them but im rushed to go and give it to them...how is it that when she wants something i have to drop everything to give it to her but she tells me i want everything my way when i want something or need something..or that im being selfish..and nothing i said yesterday really mattered and it was like ok fine dont listen to me..i already know how to make you listen..and the entire 20 or so mins it took me to get home all i thought about was that no one ever listens to me..or it feels like no one ever listens to me or ppl talk over me or its like im not even there..and its like geez what do i have to do to get attention...so i cut the heck out of my ankle and didnt feel bad about it at all..it doesnt really hurt today but yesterday after destroying a sock it was like one second of holy hell im gonna be in trouble..and then it was the usual cover your tracks type thinking..but it was a bit messier than usual becuase it was a new razor and those are just sickeningly easy to use...wanted to do my wrist but no way to hide it really..gotta find my wrist bands again..but anyway..its not a big deal..they are all better

and guess thats all my usual news

riley and harris have email addresses again now and they email me like once a day to ask how i am and if im at work lol.

off day

dont know..feeling a bit sad today..anxious about everything and worrying about everything..lots of thoughts going around my head..wondering if thing will work out and what im supposed to be doing with my life..gotta love that question floating around in my head..because when im forced to relook at me life i dont really like what i see ..cant really base it on what i remember..but what i see its like i dont know..theres not enough fun..enough acceptance..just not enough of anything really..in passing i get glimpses of things i love..things i had fun doing, of hugs, and safety and just a bit of love..and then they are gone again..slipping through my fingers..always just out of my grasp and so i cant hold on to anything..sometimes i reread of of my happy times..like writing about key west the other day made me happy..i could feel all the laughter and smiles i had down there..all the nights my coworker told me he wouldnt leave me alone while we were out..all the times the guys we met told me oh much he talked about me and looked after me even if i didnt see him for a few hours..sure it was a bit weird being tucked in by a guy i didnt know but my coworker was still there to make sure i was ok (long story on that one)..and i can still remember our trip to cumberland is..i remember how much fun it was and how happy i was there..i remember the long long drive back and how we spent hours talking on the bus about movies and books..2 hours devoted to harry potter and breaking down the movies and the characters and then plots..we talked about romeo and juliet and venice beach and the remake of that movie..tv shows and camp and everything until i had to turn around and sit correctly in my seat because it was getting dark and i couldnt see the kids as well..but once i stop actively thinking about things like that they just go away..its like they never happened and if i look to hard ill never find them again.. i dont want to lose the little things i remember..then its like i have nothing to be happy for at all

im jealous i guess..im missing my old job a lot right now..and i dont even think its the job as much as missing the kids i worked with and the planning and fun of expecting to see them again over the summer when i did work there..and now on facebook i see the tali group again being active and im not apart of that world anymore..i wont be telling the funny stories or talking about ways to deal with the kids who are harder to work with..i wont be around the ppl i liked again or in the atmosphere i liked..but i also cant forget why it is i left in the first place and how i was treated..i dont want that again..and i know i wont ever be able to let that go enough to go back..but a part of me really really misses it..

tired`

not feeling to thrilled this morning..ok just really in a bad mood about everything..last night being at home with mommy being upstairs and yelling about everything just kinda threw me off..had gotten used to her just coming home and going to bed but last night she wanted to clean so she was around my room and telling me to do a better job and all this stuff..and this morning at 6 she was up cleaning again..made enough noise t o wake me up and didnt bother stopping for an hour..so now im up and so tired i just want to fall over and feeling so tired and upset and annoyed and freaking pissed off.. she could have cared less about how much noise she made and proceeded to drop every freaking thing she had i swear...i dont care about the cleaning but god she could have waited a couple hours..but me sleeping is not a big deal at all and that was her way of letting me know i needed to get up anyway ..
really wanted to cut last night..had a razor and everything..but i didnt

may not be going to ccali because the flights are to expensive..i was a bit wrong in my calculations and thinking the tickets would be under $300..too bad there not..so we will just keep an eye on the prices i guess..and if i can go i go but if not ill have to let her know sometime today that its not definite..blah..i hate not having money..but then just having an extra 500 thats not for anything else has never happened before..so not a huge deal i suppose..maybe another time.. knew it wouldnt be a good idea to get my hopes up

guess i better get off my butt and go get ready to babysit before everyone starts looking for me..

moving..traveling..something

maybe i should move to denmark so i can go to a beth hart concert..better yet i should get a passport so i can go whereever i want too.maybe ill pick somewhere overseas to live for a while? dont know..

another day

hmm major headache right now but also lots of excitement too ..kinda ..trying not to get to excited becuase it may not work out..buuuuut yvonne asked me today if i would go to cali with her for her spring break! which is like the coolest thing anyone has ever asked me to do ... ive only been to cali once and that was forever ago ..i have no idea where we went or what we did..but she also mentioned we would go to new mexico for a few days too..and its like being gone for a week or so..and shes begging her mom for extra money for when i get there..and im begging mommy for money so i can go lol..although i asked mommy about going and what yvonne asked and she said to look up tickets and if it wasnt to much she would help me pay for one..i know ill regret borrowing the money from her but i do want to go..and its like i have to save and save everything i get so i can make sure bills are covered before i go and everything and well i hope it works out..i really really do!

work is going good :)
it was a rreal confidence booster to work with my 14yr old yesterday and he just started smiling at me and being in a good mood and his dad came in and was like whatever you just did keep doing it lol:).. and its also really cool that the dad actually asked the supervisor if i would keep working with his son because the reg worker isnt coming back now ..and i would really like to stay with him because i do like him and his dad. but i wasnt expecting my supervisor to tell me today that the dad really liked me and wanted to know if i would keep working with his son if i could..dont really expect to hear stuff like that you know..and i saw my baby today and i have to do the paperwork for him lol.but i was also informed that next week i would be leading the session *insert nervous face here* lol..my supervisor told me not to worry but of course i will lol..i mean it is really like just playing with him and prompting him to speak and do the developmental stuff..but doing it and having her watching me is like holy cow! the babies only get one hour a week and my 14yr old is 5 days a week and the other guy they are looking at for me is 5 days a week also..but they are trying to work out my hours so i can have my babies and two clients also ..and still get close to 40 hours a week since i cant have more than that !

and the new beth hart cd rocks lol..just had to add that in ! will have to post the lyrics for my two new favoritest songs

dusti is getting into everything as usual and i swear some nights i have no idea where she is even hanging out at lol..one of her favorite spots is on the couch in the hallway but shes sitting underneath the chair thats upside down on the couch ..it looks like shes in jail but the pictures are funny..

nia is engaged..which is really cool and fun and im happy for her..the wedding is going to be in aug

been thinking some about cutting and stuff with everything that is going on..but trying not too..i think about it and plan it and then dont do it..hmm i want to but i dont at the same time..its just weird i guess

hmm

dont really know whats going on in my head..something is really bothering me though..i realized why it is i hate clocks and time though..

maybe im just overly tired and its making me cranky ..dont know

randomness

hmm a bit about nothing

got a new phone today....wonder what someone else would think opening my phone and seeing the uh colorful ballon filled picture but have finally upgraded to a camera phone lol..a big deal for me because im so not a phone person and could care less about all the extra features but figured it was time to upgrade a bit..still learning it though

didnt work tonight be cuase the family was sick and well now is just not the time for me to get sick you know..planning on taking cold meds just incase! but spent that time at the library catching up on work paperwork..still not finished but ive started now at least and i have a couple more days to fill in and then i have to go and drop it off tomorrow morning early so its not late..part of me just wants to turn it in so i can have it looked at and my mistakes pointed out ..so ill know what i need to work on and how to do it and everything..maybe the stress of doing them will lower then

got two new journals today..one is a fill in the questions one aan its like self discovery type stuff..can always use a bit more self discovery! and one is just a regular journal but its a big solid one and it makes me think of writing a book everytime i look at it because its just like a reg sized text book lol..ok a bit smaller but bigger than a reg sized journal lol..and i think ive just managed to confuse myself! but just wanted a new one for actually writing stuff down in..since i can no longer just pop online and write as much since my computer isnt hooked up anymore

hmm loving the double standard mommy has placed on my money yet again..i cant spend it but i can loan it to her..stupid me..once again i assume the this time it will be diffferent and after im lectured about not using it and not going out or anything (like i do anyhting like that anyway) she asks to borrow some to pay stuff..and its like ok you just tell me not to use it and then turn around and ask for some and then when it comes time to pay bills and i dont have enough then its my fault for not managing my money correctly..and then i fill stupid for doing something i want to do like buying new journals because i just want them..

omg

omg the bank stuff is worked out !! im so happy right now..gosh i didnt think it would get fixed so soon and it did and i was feeling guilty for filing the claim thing in the first place and now im so glad mommy made me do it ..ill regret saying that at another time but for right now im just excited that the bank fixed it for me and gave me the money back ... it doesn't feel like the world is going to end tomorrow and now i can pay mommy back and get that taken care of..and i had been so afraid of checking my account because i didnt want to find out that something else had bounced and i was being charged even more money..but its all been put back and the charges taken care of..and its like a huge load off! and i will be ok until i start getting paid regularly


wow wasnt expecting that !! umm was gonna write about other stuff and now im all side tracked and cant get past that .. ok i better get back to babysitting lol

food issues galore

sometimes im just left to wonder if she does some of these things on purpose you know? because she knows ill give an actual reaction to what is being said some times maybe she constantly tells me i suck or i should do thisor i need to keep looking for a job or lose weight because she wants me to be 'sick' in a way so that i will have to keep depending on her in some sort of way without it seeming like i am this morning we had another talk ..this time it was about how im not making enough and how i need to keep looking for a job with benefits and how i need to lose weight and should change my diet and she knows why i gained weight and all this stuff..i know now it was very stupid of me to mention last night that all she does is ask how much im making..because then she had all night to think about it and then this morning i got a talk about how shes only doing it because she wants to make sure im making what im supposed to make. first im making more now than i was at my other job..and i dont plan on working here more than a year and a half full time because of wanting to go back to school..if i suddenly die between now and then because i dont have health insurance then i guess thats just to bad..considering how much ive been thinking about dying id say health insurance is the least of my worries right now but anyway when it got onto the subject of that im not losing weight fast enough i wondered why it has to matter so much first off but then of course she had to throw in all the junk about how its unhealthy and how i was doing much better a couple years ago and how the docs have talked to me about it in the past and its like gee make me feel better why dont you..and then it went to you know your eating ot many carbs and need to stop and you need to exercise and i wonder if she would say anything if i asked if it was ok to start throwing up my food again or hiding it or just not eating period..what would she have to say on that? would i get more tips on how to not eat and what i should and shouldnt eat? would that make it any better? i hate how she can pull up the parts of me that just live to do what she asks and if she says dont eat then they wont..if she said go jump off a bridge im sure it would be taken into consideration..and so we talked about being vegetarian and what it meant giving up and now mommy is saying she is going to become a vegetarian and stop eating meat and stuff and so she can do it with me and diet and theres going to be a competition to see who can lose the most weight and all this stuff came up..and i mentioned i was thinking of becoming vegan and i just wanted to scream at myself to shut up because i didnt want her to know that just yet but now she does and i guess shes just thrilled about it because thats one more way for her to boast about me being healthier and losing weight..but what she fails to realize is that i dont eat vegetables and could care less about them..and it makes being a vegan a lot harder because its like well i dont like soy milk ( ive actually tried it and almond milk also before) i dont like soy cheese, i dont like tofu ..do we see a trend here?! god saying im vegan is like saying i might as well just not eat and save myself the trouble of stressing over what we can and cant have..but since thats not going to happen it seems i have a week to figure it all out yea part of me wondered if i could do it which is why we had been talking about it in the first place but i wasnt sure i was a ctually going to do it and now its like god someone said it and it cant be taken back now and so once again im roped into doing something im not sure i want to do..and she is going to 'mention' it to my younger sister to see if she wants to do it too..and i know my sister she will say no but mommy will push and push until she agrees and then she will just eat meat when mommy isnt around..which would make the whole thing pointless but thats just how mommy works..she will push until she wins and then its just a matter of how well you can hide i guess..i dont know its makes all the days and months of being ok and not purging seem like a waste..like i should have just stuck with it and not bothered to stop..whats the point of trying if in the end im going to be asked to possibly do it again and its not even about possibly being asked i guess..its more like being given the chance to do it again with little reprocussion in a way..like here you can have an eating disorder as long as you stick to these guidelines about it..

lots of thinking

which ive decided i really need to stop doing..lots of stuff in my head lately and im not even sure what i really want to write about..im getting tired of writing about mommy nad everything that goes on with her but i guess being at home makes her a big part of daily life..how utterly depressing it is to go out to dinner on vday with the one person i really dont like being around..most of my day was spent running around doing stuff for work and trying to fix nias comp and it seems to be working now so im hoping it will hold out until im done writing this at least..but the dinner out was my vday present from mommy and she asked this morning and of course in a way that made it almost impossible to say no without seeming like a flat out not so nice person..so i went and it was a lot of being asked questions i didnt want to answer and suddenly having a job with so many hipaa rules seems like a grand idea! but its like she could care less about my actually job..all she wants to know is how much im mamking and prooceeds to ask me that anytime i mention getting a new client or someone new to work with or even if im just shadowing someone..its just a pain..and when i told her all she asks about is how much im told shes doing it just to make sure i know what im being paid..well gee i would hope i knew or had some idea..but oh well..just kinda sucks to be talking about the weather and im trying to say that it was warmer when i left the house without a coat and wasnt expecting the temp to drop and she just keeps telling me how cold it was and what the temp was..and finally i got the picture and stopped trying to say it was warmer..pretty much stopped talking then..well i now remember why it is i dont talk alot..kinda stupid how really simple it all is..behaviors have to come ffrom somewhere right..

hmmm ive enjoyed working this week at least..my fillin job is actually a lot of fun minus the paperwork stuff..try hard to keep home stuff away from job stuff because i dont want the two to mix at all..so im enjoying it and today i had a meeting with the family i may be working with on a reg basis and im hoping to hear back from my supervisor tomorrow or next week to get started..i have more extra work for next week and can possibly keep filling in for a bit longer if im needed..and i got my first baby this week :) im still shadowing but i have a baby! he was really sweet even if i wasnt doing anything but watching last time..slowly my schedule is filling up and ill be happy when its set but for now i dont mind doing fillin work either..i swear ive doe more stuff with my 14yr old this week than i have in weeks..even if it is forr only little bits of time and i know im doing it for him..i thikn its good for me to get out too..because then im forced to do stuff and not hide in the house all day..im hoping this job will help me start talking more but if not i gu ess ill have to go to therapy...at some point..again..but anyway..im liking my job..its like i matter again just a little bit and my degree matters and its like im doing something good and not wasting away behind a desk..because for some reason i cant stand steady 9 to 5 at all

my head has been a millioin miles away this week..like everything just went away for a while and nothing was ever going to make anything better..and true i still feel really hopeless and upset about a lot of stuff and empty about all the rest..im still doing what i have to do i guess..and thats the important thing..at least for now anyway..i need to keep doing everything im supposed to be doing because then i stop thinking about everything else for a bit..im actually considering becoming a vegan just for the abusrdness of it..not for forever but only for a year or so to see if i can do it or not..and i say vegan because thats as strict as it can be and then i cant bend the rules and stuff..for now im just thinking about it but i think i will within the next week or so then ill be forrced to eat healthy and pay attention and quit binging..actually thought about purging this afternoon and couldnt but it wasnt fun even thinking about it

nia is in cali now and i hope she has a good time but still im jealous she got to go and im stuck here

been really forgetfull lately..as soon as i hear something i forget it when i move on to something else..more so with mommy when shes telling me stuff on the phone and that i have to do it and then i hang up and forget everything she said until hours later when suddenly its like darnit i forgot to do blahblahblah and instantly i think of being in trouble and getting yelled at and so i rush to cath up and do what im supposed to..

its getting chilly again..so i guess ill go because nias room is cold and i dont want to push my luck and the net starts acting up again..

stupid me

i was really dumb enough to think that paying bills was the most important thing..that saving what i could to make sure i was keeping up with bills even though i didnt have a real job was what i was supposed to do..but i guess i was wrong..and now with my bank account all messed up and my car insurance about to be sent back its like now mommy has to bring up how much she has helped me and loaned me money in the past and like when i was moving and how i hadnt paid any of it back and that ive been making money and obviously just blowing it on junk or something because i should have had more and i guess i just pretty much suck for not paying more attention and offering to help more and give her what i was making from babysitting..i thought i was doing good because i was managing bills and thing a little bit and wasnt having to ask her to borrow money..but then all the stuff that she was buying for me that i wasnt asking for she was adding up anyway..and so its like shes spending all her extra money to buy me a couple shirts that i didnt want or need but cant turn around and give back now ..but now it all gets thrown back at me..the one time i really dont have money and im waiting for account to get straightened out and now she wants to talk about what ive been doing with all my money..i want to ask how it is she can get info on my bills without me around and then tell me what i should be paying and that ive been laying about how much money i really had..and i just want to tell her its not any of her business what im making or not making or what im paying and trying to take care of..if its about me then why in the hell can she get ppl to pull up my info in the first place? and then i go and call and stuff to ask about my account or insurance or something and she turns around after telling me to call and she calls and then comes back and tells me all this stuff i already knew but now feel stupid about because somehow she always manages to do it better than me and has to tell me what to do..and so now my acount is messed up and its my fault and i cant fix it..and out of no where she just asks me to bring her something at work and as soon as she says that she wants to talk to me i know im in trouble..i feel stupider for not figuring it out before i managed to get here..i would have stayed at home but i guess it wouldnt have mattered because she would have had her say in the end anyway..and so it was like being in another meeting where all im left doing is defending myself and what ive done..god i bought a new webkinz..that was such a stupid idea on my part..i mean why would i even consider buying something i like and just want to have for once..stupid me for not offering to help out more at home..even though im always the one taking ut the trash or cleaning the bathrooms and the kitchen and its not like im looking for a thanks or anything but at least an acknowledgment would be nice..but thats too much to ask and so i tell myself it doesnt matter and i dont care..and its not like i can get away with not doing because god she sure noticed when i didnt clean upstairs..doesnt matter that the ppl were in there working on the electrical stuff most of the day and then i left o babysit ..but yea i got a call later telling me how much of a disappointment it was that i was at home and left without cleaning up and its not like im not asked to do a lot but i can do what little im asked to do..every stupid thing makes me a loser and im not trying hard enough to be good and do what im supposed to do..and so its like why try..why bother doing anything..its really hard explaining to someone else how it is that i have to do what im told or the world might as well just end and kill me in the process..it doesnt make sense to anyone else andmost of the time i just try not to think about it..but then i have a morning like this morning and everything just feels like its crashing down on my head and im trying to work and stay busy and do what i thought i was supposed to do just to have it all turned around and im not doing enough..im not helping enough..and its like i have to remind myself to stay in my place and not forget what it is im expected to be and what im expected to do..and none of it revolves around me at all..as i was told today also..the world doesnt revolve around me..its not like i ask for anything at all and i dont ask to go anywhere or do anything extra and if im not running errands for mommy then i can almost always be found at home..i dont even think ill be going back to greenville anymore because i really dont want to be around anyone right now but also because i just keep thinking i will bring it up and mommy will just pull out this bill of things i owe her and have to pay on before i can do anything else..already im trying to figure out when i can babysit and how ill have to break up the money i make..i cant think about the future because im afraid it will make me suicidal again..i dont even want to think about this afternoon anymore..i was happy about going to work and now its all i can do not to cry right now..because ive been stuck at dees all morning with money and im waiting for her to get back..and there where things i wanted to do at home and i wont have time to do anything..ill just be able to go home and change and then head back out to go to work..what i wanted to do wasnt important enough anyway..soo why bother..all i want to do right now is just hide or disappear or anything that will make me stop hurting ..if i could be invisible i would..all morning its like dont cry because you know if she sees me crying she will call me a baby and tell me to stop because i have nothing to cry for and shes trying to talk to me like an adult..well gee i never realized this was how adults talk so sorry for me once again being stupid and clueless about something..forcing back all the thoughts and feelings running through my head..ive almost mastered feeling numb again..might as well not talk until im spoken to and if i could get away with not breathing i wouldnt do that either..because some how i just manage to attract trouble and even when im not doing anything im blamed some how..how much trouble can one person get into ? i want to be left alone..i want everyone to pretend i dont exist..i want to go away..i just want to be there without really being there..and im trying to remember how i managed that before ..and first thing is cutting..and i know if im going for empty that works awfully well and i dont care enough right now to even talk myself out of that one..i really dont care at all..im just here to be walked on so not a huge deal what i do when no one bothers noticing anyway..just have to tell myself i cant really just die right now..go back to walking that fine line between living and dying..and i have to be happy and ok for work and then turn into a zombie when im at home because otherwise im just being mean or loud or something..i really am nothing and i guess it just makes me even stupider to keep forgetting that..go back to im fine mode..all i have to do is enough to make it through the day..i dont do more than that anyway

guilt and a whole bunch of other stuff

yesterday i was at home for part of the day and had started cleaning when mommy called for the millionth time and i told her i was in the middle of cleaning already when she went off on her rant about what needed to be done..she ended up telling me i was cutting her off but whatever because its perfectly ok for her to hang up on me when shes in a bad mood..but anyway later after i had gone to the health dept for my tb test stuff i got two calls from my job asking about clients and stuff and so ill be working next week and im really excited about that..i was hoping for one call next week and i get two this week! one is just a fill in for a week and im fine with that and one is a potential client and im just going to meet his family sometime next week and see if i would like to work with them and they also get to have a say in whether they want me to work with there son..so i have to remind myself to not get so worked up and upset over nothing..i have to respect the parents wishes..not a big deal but i know my feelings will be hurt if im told they parents do not want me to be there..and i guess they would feel hurt if i said no but if we dont get along or something it would suck for the client you know..so i just have to kinda keep all of that in mind when i meet them..not a huge deal i guess for some ppl but for me the small stuff throws me sometimes..so thats mostly whats going on next week..oh and i have baby training next week too and i am really excited about that because then i can start working with the babies soon too!

bank stuff is driving me insane..i agree i find it really weird that the company managed to get money out of my account without so much as a phone call to me about it and its ruined my account and so i had to file a claim this morning with my bank but i dont know how long it will take to be fixed..and i dont have the 700 plus dollars to put in my account to cover the overdrafts and stuff this has caused..i dont even have enough to cover insurance and it wouldnt have been so bad had my account not gone into negative and the money i had was left alone but now its like a battle to catch everything and cover what i can but its just stressing me out big time and i hate being told not to stress and worry about it..but i have to its my account and my bills are going haywire and i have to worry because i cant do anything else but call and wait and find out if things can be paid a little bit later..what little im getting back for my taxes is going to go into the bank and that wont even cover all the charges and i was really hoping i would have that money to pay bills with and i cant even do that now..when i signed up for direct deposit with my other job it was only for direct deposit and so the fact that they reversed and took back what was put into my account without so getting in touch with me is a huge pain in the butt..and then my actual job knew nothing about it which makes it all the more weirder..ugh and it all sucks because now everything is once again falling apart since i was planing on the money i had to cover bills and its all gone..the little bit i have in savings cant even begin to cover it all ... so im happy to be working next week so ill start actually getting a steady pay check in march ..and that seems forever away but its really only a couple weeks now..maybe 3 i think..but still immediately it sucks

and one of the things that came up yesterday while i was out and doing stuff for mommy...because i went out and came back and earlier mommy had told me that i would have to bring wayne to town and it was like ok whatever..i got home and suddenly i didnt have to take him but suddenly i just had to come now and get something for nia and take it to her job and then wait around for her to get off of work and take her back to town and go and get stuff for her trip..but when i went and got the stuff from mommy she was all mad at me because i was annoyed and the way i was answering her questions.and it was like why do i have to be happy to be running errands for her and stopping what i wanted to do because i just had to go and do something for her ..and i wonder why its not enough that i do it..why do i have to be happy to do something i dont want to do in the first place? why do i have to be made to feel guilty because im not being happy enough..what else can anyone want from me? its not fair that i cant be whatever it is i want to be or feel or something..and its like no one can handle if im upset or something..and so i have to keep it away and keep being happy even if im not..its not much fun at all..its a pain because everyone tells me im ok and im not but i cant be upset about anything because then they may have to ask why im not ok and no one really wants to know i guess..least of all mommy..

things kinda really bite right now...in the hole money wise and stressing out big time bout it..waiting on answers about it to find how how the company could just put money in my account and then turn around and days later just take it back out! what the heck are they trying to do and so everything is just screwed and im pretty much told to suck it up and not to cry about it..funny how that works..that whole validation thing that i keep seeming to miss...i really just hope im not stuck at home all weekend..

ugh

i hate being treated like im stupid..i hate being talked to like im stupid and i hate most of all not being able to keep how much money i have and what i do with my money to myself...its worse now that im at home but its not like im asking to borrow money or something from her..its the oppisite and i am managing to take care of my bills and get things paid that i need to and i know what im paying and when and still its like she has to be in charge and is yelling at me about how much money i have and dont have and what i should be paying and what i dont need to be buying..god i idont do that much stuffi in the first place and its not like im spending all my money on nothing and just blowing it because i have it..give me some credit here..she was with me when i went to do my taxes and just kept butting and saying stuff that had nothing to do with what i was doing and she just had to be in charge and in control and she stayed until she found out how much i was getting back and then she left...all the time shes asking how much i have..but im taking care of my own freaking bills and its like it counts for nothing at all and i dont know what im doing and all this stuff and its just a pain in the butt bug time..and if i lose my temper or even seem like im mad then im back to being selfish and mean .. it sucks..

and after i was so happyish and ok the past few days..even today because i was managing to get stuff done and actually being able to stay on task and run errands i needed to run..and relax at home and read or play video games when i wasnt doing anything..and its like she comes home and im in trouble for not cleaning up and im getting yelled at about money and its like all the good i was feeling a minute ago is just sucked away and i go back to feeling miserable again..it just sucks

update of sorts

well its been a busy few days..some ups and downs as usual but today is made me feel more optimistic than i have been in a while..training was today and i was really worried about it and stressing as i usually do and wasnt feeling to good yesterday or this morning from everything! but then i left this morning and actually ended up enjoying training as much as one can enjoy listenign to a bunch of rules and policies..everyone was really nice and i really do like the ppl in charge there..the paperwork part of things was overwhelming big time but that didnt even bother me as usual as it usually does..its like im just waiting to get started and i think just being out of the house and kknowing i was doing something productive really helped my outlook..being stuck at home and not doing anything was killing me..i know i was babysitting on the weekends but even that wasnt really enough you know..im used to working or being busy and just so much time was driving me insane..but im liking training so far..i have to go tomorrow but i dont have to go the last two days...because i already have my certs and im just going to do the recert classes instead of taking the whole day class thing..and that makes me feel better too...i talked some in training today but it was also a lot of listening and learning the rules and policies and stuff..it was really interesting getting to talk about all of the different mental illness's and the syptoms and things..i still find that so so interesting! but it was fun and i really liked that part best i think..and then came home and the ppl are here working on the lights and some electrical stuff and they had my room fixed again and that made me feel alot better..because i came home yesterday and had no lights in my room and that really rreally pissed me off after being gone all weekend to come home to no lights in my room and my room was the only one not working..but its fixed and the other lights that were working are fixed and its really nice the have them back on lol..

speent the weekend with riley and harris again and had our usual fun goofing off and chasing each other around the house and tickling and playing scrabble and cnoversating with my friend from israel lol..harris has learned the fine art of chatting online and i let him talk to a friend of mine and now he is positive he knows her and wants to talk to her again lol..and i know im staying with them this coming up weekend also cas there mom is out of town again..and even though there dad is there he kinda likes or me to hang around and its like im getting paid while im there regardless..its like i get paid to have fun and watch movies and hang out lol..who could ask for a better parrt time job :) and harris and riley are both becoming pros at cooking breakfast food! they can now both make pancakes and eggs with little prompting from me :) and they like doing it! this weekend is harris's birthday also and he is turning 9..gosh i feel so old lol considering i have been babysitting him for 9 years and riley for 10..and then harris is using all the age jokes he can and he called me ma'm the other day and i told him he was pushing it lol..i told them they could have me for a year before i left again...talk about attached ..but with those two i dont mind..saw the other 2 girls i used to watch on sunday when they came to visit my two and they both gave me hugs and there mom gave me a hug and its like with both of those families i belong there..im usefull..wonder why that doesnt happen at home?

and to make my night better..i got some extra money and it just made paying bills this month so much easier! im so excited and happy right now..like i can breathe a little bit easier knowing i will make it another month because i was worried since it waws explained today that it would be a little while before i actually started getting paid regularly with my new job..so that was a huge huge big deal..and i wouldnt have even know about it if i hadnt checked my bank account!! wow..now i want to go and trat myself to something nice but ill have to wait until later in the week to do something. funny sometimes how things just manage to work out isnt it..

i hate this feeling

....i think of all the normal and logical emotions i really really hate anger the most..i dont know how to express or get over it or deal with it or anything..its just there rolling around in my head and i dont know what to say to make it go away or become bearable again..i just hate when something sets me off like this and then im stuck because of those the first thing i do is start yelling at myself for being so stupid and after that comes all the wonderful thoughts of cutting just to make it all go away..and it doesnt really solve anything and if im trying not to cut then im just stuck with the back and forth feeling in my head and feeling like im going to explode because ..ugh i dont know..what exactly am i supposed to say or do to make it better?

thinking

i have been really reflective the past couple of days about everything and about nothing at the same time. Trying to decide what to do and how i want to do it. Nervous about the training that starts next week and wondering what will happen if i don't like it or cant handle it. Thinking about school and when to go or if i want to go at all and finally figured out I want to go because I want my Masters and not for anyone else. * There I actually said it, in a matter of speaking lol* But I cant do it this year, I want to wait until next fall since I cant start in the spring anyway. That is far enough away that it gives us something to look forward to but not so far that it seems impossible. I have been thinking about therapy and why it is I am so afraid to go. I mean I talk about it all the time, I think about it all the time, my college years where spent in therapy and once I got out and was on my own and didn't have to answer to anyone about my behaviors I ran with it. Nothing could stop me and I could and still can do whatever I want. But its like the novelty of that has worn off and it feels like Ive stopped trying to be ok. I do just enough to get by and the rest is like I don't care what happens because I'm still here. And Ive been wondering if that makes me a bad person because I have stopped trying. Because I see and hear so many ppl talk about therapy and how helpful it is and all the stuff they learned and also how hard it is. and I cant even get up the courage to call and set up and appt. I have a million and one excuses for why it wont work without trying at all. Do I even have the right to talk to someone else about anything when I am just refusing to deal with anything right now. I don't want to apply at my old school and have the topic of therapy come up, I don't want to seem like a failure because i haven't tried to get better or work on anything. i don't want it to become an ultimatum again where i have no choice in the matter at all and its just go to therapy or you cant stay in the program type thing. Having to sit through that once was more than enough and id rather I never ever had to do it again. I know being at home is making everything worse and going to therapy is just a good idea in the grand scheme of things but i cant get past the fear. i dont even know where the fear came from?! its just a huge deal to need help and i suck for needing it and cant even ask for it without fear of making trouble or being in trouble. funny how a bit of fear can get me to talk myself out of almost everything given enough time. Its just hard

tonight

so random thing for the night is that i found my cd that has been missing for like a year and i knew it was in my car..i just thought my car ate it!

hmm

who know i would be so happy to be using my own computer! i finally figured out how to get my computer to work again on nias connection..so i tried it this morning when i got bored and it took a while but it works :) and now during the day i think ill just set up my comp because i like nias comp and all but its not mine..

feeling a lot like hiding today..kinda a lot ashamed of myself for my scars and not accepting them as much as i could..so im just hanging out at home..ill have to go out tomorrow but for today im just staying here and not really doing anything to important..playing online and watching cartoons and the usual wasting the day type stuff..thought about therapy and why it is i wont call around and it all juts comes to a fear of being rejected or told i cant go..makes it harder not having insurance and i know i could prolly find somewhere but im just nervous about it and so i dont call..keep trying to tell myself its not a big deal and plenty of ppl go to therapy but its not working...being scared still wins out..oh well..

productive day

so ive been up since like 5:30 this morning because mommy asked me to get her up then because she had to go to work early..well gee i wake up and go to get her and of course she is already up..felt stupid for agreeing to do it but i was trying to be helpful..but anyway..went back to bed when she left and then got up a little bit later to take nia to work..and we went out to breakfast and that was cool..and then i ran errands for a bit and then took my car to get the oil changed and i was stuck there for 2 and a half hours!! walmart is only so interesting and then i was just bored and sleepy! but finally it was done and i went over to dees house to get a ps2 game and then i went to the beach to get the console and now i have the ps2 lol :)..and ive decided i want to get guitar hero or rock band after i save up some!! and i got a new webkinz :) and its a husky that ive been looking for forever! and i named her maya and now i have 11 of them lol..can we say obssessed?! but pretty much just wasting time online for now..asked yvonne about coming down some weekend and we could hang out at the beach house after i ask dee of course but i dont see why she wouldnt let me borrow the beach house..and ill just make sure to ask well in advance so she will know i cant babysit..but otherwise today has been a pretty ok day..still kinda down about everything but still trying to be ok and everything..

as i was wondering around walmart after about 2 hours and i was going insane i decided it would be a good idea to get a scrapbook and use it to keep my collages..that way i can have them in one place and not stick them all over the place..and then of course i couldnt find a scrapbook lol.so ill have to keep looking for one..and someone was telling me about this art thing called an altered board book..and its like making collages and other art type stuff but its done in book form..and its like you literally get a book and then paint over it and decorate it anyway you want to and you can do anything to it! i really really want to try it but i need to find a board book..and i saw some in walmart but those were the newer story ones and i dont want to pay 6 bucks to destory and redo a book...so im looking around for some..was talking about art therapy on a board and how it benefits and stuff and i remember i actually liked art therapy..and would go back if i could..and then that brought up going to school for art therapy lol..but it would be like going back and starting over because of all the art classes i would need..so lets work on one degree at a time here! and i have decided i want to go back to school and get my masters before moving big time...but im not shooting for this fall .im planning for next fall..it just to rushed right now and im not wanting to do it so it would be a waste to force myself now and just go and fail..and then in a year and a half in the program im done with school!! just gotta make it to then! gotta save and study for stupid entrance exams and all this stuff..wonder who ill ask for reccomendations?! but plenty of time for that ..but at least ive decided something..now i just have to figure out which schools i want to apply to and at some point ill have to start considering the essay reflection thing...but its ok..i have plenty of time to do it!! im not rushing it because i crack easier under that kinda pressure and would just refuse to do it..and i already know that so its easier to avoid it ...

things to never say...

i dont like being referred to as a drunk just because there are wine coolers in the fridge and have been there for almost a month and we havent drank any since new years. and even then it was only two. what ever happened to being tactful with someone elses feelings? when did that stop being so important? i guess because she is the mother and we are still the child it doesnt matter as much because she is in charge and we have to follow the rules and what she says is still the most important thing. it doesnt seem fair though, that she can keep passing judgement on me for a variety of reasons and i cant even begin to voice an opinion without being yelled at. but im also quick to lose my temper or get defensive because i never know what ill be accused of at any given time..

feel so guilty for not being able to consistently like mommy..i try and sometimes i just have to remind myself of what i have and what ive done.. she has been buying me clothes and things recently becuase a lot of stuff is on sale now and i take them and say thank you because im supposed too. but at the same time all the other stuff cant be forgotten. it doesnt just go away because she is in a giving mood and i have to accept it, whatever it may be at the time. liking her and striving for her love and attention are two completely different things. sometimes i dont care at all and some times i care so much i could just scream because i keep trying to do what is right and to be good and to be perfect and to be the good obediant child. the problem is im not a child anymore at least age wise. yet i cant fully drop the 'child' role here. its ingrained to much, im reminded to much that she is superior and she counts and i dont. i want to kill the vunerable streak that runs deep but is hidden well. the parts that still cry for a mother and comfort and safety that they are not getting. i hate how easy it can be pulled up around motherlike figures, the drive to be told things are going to be ok and that there arent monsters under the bed, or just to get a hug or a little back rub to let us know im noticed and important and okay. and i hate how it never comes from the person it is supposed to come from.

i dont like being called stupid and dumb. i have already graduated from college, ive already worked and lived alone and taken care of a pet and managed things okayish. i can cook and clean and pay bills and do little things to have fun but not to much because always in my head you are there to remind me of my place and not to overstep it. i dont like being at home and suddenly its as if i cant do a damn thing for myself and i have to ask permission to do anything and i have to be happy and smile because if i even look a little sad then something is wrong and i may try to cut myself again and then you will look bad and i will just have a one way ticket into some hospital so everyone can call you a caring and decent mother, with my best interest at heart.

i dont like being called a pig or fat and i dont like it even more when its done in a way to stop others from saying it first. contrary to popular belief most people do not go around calling people fat or pigs in there best interest. most people could care less about someone they did not know.


it doesnt matter, it does matter, and some how i never end up on the winning side. but when did things have to be brokendown into winners and losers?

and it ends again

today is the last day of my mini vacation ...it has been fun though and im glad i came..i needed to come because otherwise i would have just been stuck at home and stressing about everything..i mean yea im still stressing but its in the background now and not taking over everything..i think mommy is a little annoyed ive been gone all week but i didnt ask her for money or anything..and its not like i was doing anything at home anyway..but still i just get the feeling she isnt thrilled at all...mostly being at yvonnes i just hung around and wasted time when she had classes and when she was out of class we were messing around greenville..she got me 2 new care bears the first day i was here for my birthday and for christmas and that was really cool because they are the 25th anniversary ones and they are really soft..and one of them came with a dvd of the first care bears episode..i kinda remembered seeing it or something close to it forever ago but it was still cool getting it..and weve been out to dinner and i have a key to her apartment :) and she told me i can come back whenever i wanted too..i have been doing little things around her apartment to help out but cant do a lot because she is still unpacking and everything..

well

so i did my disappearing act and have been in greenville with yvonne for the past few days..and its been fun..not as anxious anymore surprisingly and i cant complain..funny how getting away for a little while makes everything just a little more bearable.

it has to start somewhere

im tired..sleep and at the same time i dont sleep..however that works..like i go to bed and obviously i sleep because the time changes on the clock when i wake up fifty million times a night..but still im always tired again..i wish i had taken a nap earlier today but i couldnt sleep..i was to antsy..i was bored..i wanted to DO something and there was nothing for me to do..i hate being stuck at home sometimes..its not a big deal during the week because mommy is at work but its the weekend and so mommy is at home and its just way more stress trying to stay out of the way and making sure im not doing anything to get myself into any more trouble..and then yesterday turned into go shopping with mommy day and that took all of my energy..because being in the car with mommy is not something i ever want to do anymore because its like we get in that stupid enclosed space and there is no escape and then she just wants to talk..and i dont want to answer and say as little as possible which just leads to even more questions..but it wasnt to bad i guess..after a while i just stopped getting out of car ..but i suffered and went to the mall and i hate the mall..but i ended up finding something for yvonne so im not complaining..

im waiting for jan to be over so i can start working..i hate not having any money..i hate not doing anything with my time..it sucks and its feels like im just going crazy being stuck here all the time..and just being home is just i dont know..i want to complain and yell and scream and say over and over its not fair..but i dont think that would get me anywhere and im not a big complainer anyway..i keep looking at my calendar and wishing for the year to be over with already..it hasnt gotten off to as good as start as i had hoped..im not doing anything and so i just spend all my time doing i dont know what..and everything i try not to think about comes up and i think about all of it..

as i was looking around myspace for the millionth time today..i was looking through the lists of 'how your feeling' ..like all the emotions for what you can be feeling on any given day and its so stupid..because well first i still have a hard hard time even picking out what im feeling at any given time if its not happy or sad or pissed off..but tonight i wanted shame and well surprise surpise thats not an emotion..so i guess that means im not really feeling ashamed of myself for purging..and at first i wasnt because i didnt care that i had managed to talk myself into the one thing i swore up and down i wouldnt do again..but then after things quieted down all i could think about was how stupid i was for letting myself b/p..its like a huge let down..and i could take the time to look back and count up all the months i had not done it but i dont do that...failing once is failing big and nothing else matters..its like having to start over from square one yet again and i dont want to have to do that again..all i want to think about is how bloody easy it is to purge when i want to and what i have to do next time to stop it from hurting and reminding myself not to panic and all the stuff i hate thinking about and planning just comes rushing back after one stupid little screw up..and im guessing a light bulb should be going off or something because i get all this stuff from b/p and can actually sit down and process and all the boring junk..but when it comes to cutting i turn into a locked box..i dont even want to acknowledge im back to doing it on a reg basis much less figure out why..i still dont know why i prefer one to the other and i dont know why i protect one more than the other..doesnt make sense at all

song

i dont wanna be me
amanda clemens

I'm not feeling so bold
Can't you see I don't wanna grow old?
And my photograph's an epitaph of parody
I don't wanna be me

I'm not feeling so sure
It would help if you offered a cure
If I wait, it's too late for the remedy
I don't wanna be me

You won't save me
'Cause I'm not the fortunate one
So, don't blame me
If I decide to go hide or instead to just run

I'm not feeling so well
Maybe we could just sit for a spell?
And make amends, it depends on my injury
I don't wanna be me, I don't wanna be me
I don't wanna be me

You won't save me
'Cause I'm not the fortunate one
So, don't blame me
If I decide to just run

You won't save me
'Cause I'm not the fortunate one
So, don't blame me
If I decide to go hide or instead to just run

If I decide to go hide or instead to just run...
If I decide to go hide or instead to just run

she does things that she knows makes us mad for no reason at all..why come all the way upstairs to just yell at him for his room not being clean..what is the point of doing that if he is still in bed? and im just pretty much ignored except to be asked why im up so early..ive already been up for over 2 hours! it just doesnt make sense sometimes the way she acts

hmm still really not ok with yesterday night at all..and before that it was spend the day with mommy and a lot of talking about nothing i really wanted to talk about anyway..i hate being stuck with her alone...but anyway got through it and mommy cant drive and yea not really fun being in the car with us and in the pouring rain..i could have thought of a million fther things i would have rather been doing..but we went to the mall and walked around a bit and i got yvonnes christmas/house warming gift since i hadnt gotten her anything yet..hope she like them!

im not getting how it is i cant remember anything and now hope mommy and wayne now i dont remember anything..dont know if it will come up again but i feel stupid for not being able to know my stupid life..last night wayne was talking about how we tried to run away as kids and we couldnt get the door unlocked..i would have been around 4 or 5 and he was 7 or 8..and well it didnt work but it was like it never happened at all and what 5 yr old tries to run away in the first place ?!..he was talking about it and i tried hard to remember and couldnt..i dont remember the houses we lived in in ny or the performances they said we did ever year at carnegie hall and here i am thinking ive never even been there! and i get told yea you performed there...i dont remember my school (minus the uniform bit), i dont remember being driven to school..i dont remember going to church on sunday or any of the stuff they were talking about..its sucks all of it..i have no idea what has really gone on with my dorky little life..but i had to have done it because i have two ppl telling me about it and asking me about it and i just feel stupid because they know and i dont

i dont remember :( :( went to dinner with mommy and wayne tonight and they were talking about all this stuff that we did when i was younger and i had no idea about any of it..couldnt remember names or places or dates or things i had done..and its like i wasnt even there..nothing rung a bell...they cant believe i dont remember..i cant believe i dont remember ..its miserable not knowing anything

random things about me..

well for nothing else to do ..i figured i would give this a little more thought...
and im trying to remember some stuff i have on myspace to make it go easier lol..random stuff about me some stuff im guessing not to many ppl know..

so
- i like vampires and werewolves..and blood and chocolate is a great book but a horrible movie!
-i had a twin sister
-i want a penguin and to live in alaska..i already have a pony :)
-i get seasick and have yet no idea how ill be making that trek to alaska!
-i want to travel overseas..new zealand and ireland are places i really want to go and see..maybe paris but im not sure
-i like painting and making collages although i suck at both
-i hate driving and find it really really mega boring!
-i like watching cartoons
-im a fast reader and love going to the library
- i have a grocery store obsession
-i tend to like cooking and not eating what i fix
-i love archery and again suck at it
-i hate talking and do everything to avoid it..i can do for a couple days without talking to anyone if im not careful
-i want to live in key west and party
-i hate drinking but do it anyway sometimes
-i listen to the same songs over and over
-purple is my favorite color
- i suck at making and keeping eye contact
-ive hiked for 4 days more than once and lived to tell about it lol
- picked up a jellyfish
- saw a wild dolphin
-saw wild horses once
-i like taking pictures
- i want to write a book
hmm thats all i can think of for now..nothing to thrilling

oh and i forgot to add..im a vegetarian who hates vegetables..thats always fun to explain

another day

writing is a funny funny thing..sometimes its like i can write for forever and not care because well its not like i have a million ppl reading this but at the same time i wonder who would want to read it..i used to play with the idea of giving my teachers the link so they would know while i was still in school and it only took a few mintues to realize that would be a bad idea..more so since they already knew some tuff and that stupid little promise to tell if i wasnt safe..well gee if i wanted to tell i wouldnt have been in all that trouble in the first place! duh .. but at the same time they know i write a lot because i dont talk and ive had to do school journals and stuff and just rambled on and on and on lol..but other than that i can think of a few ppl i would invite to read it but that would be a really really incredibly big step up from my usual im fine leave me alone game..dont know..maybe ill ask one of my teachers but i think i better wait until when everim sitting in her office again..might be a little bit easier that way and i could pull it up and take the address off so she cant really get back to it..but there are ways to get around doing that and i know a million ways to pull up my blog without even using the actual address but im hoping that she doesnt know to many of them lol...but still zoned out a bit and ended up looking back over some of my old posts..and now i remember why it is i dont do that..its like pick any month..any year..any freaking post and its all the same thing..my questioning a million and one ways to die ok maybe not flat out but geez if nothing else im incredibly consistent) hmm kinda depressing in its own way but whatever..i wont be doing that again anytime soon

hmm woke up feeling a bit sickish incredibly early..so im hoping ill crash after the library..and im nervous about going by myself because im still a little unsure of the way..but i hope it will be ok..and then cleaning and then maybe babysitting..dont know yet about the last one..but im sure either riley or harris will call looking for me after school today..random thought...wonder if the rubberband on the wrist really works..ugh ive forgotten all the stuff i was told over the years in wonderful therapy and i still hate i have to consider going back..ok geez my head is all over the place right now..like its really funny how many things a person can think about at once and still manage to have a half way decent convo or write or whatever..gosh im thinking a million different things and i think when i happens i dont write anything concrete..more like i start going back and forth between a bunch of different stuff and ramble about nothing..ok i think i may need to take that trip up to greenville next week or the week after or sometime in the next couple weeks..i really really do and if nothing else i can crash my teachers offices and go to there classes and all the stuff i never wanted to do when i was actually a student lol..and it doesnt matter because im not being graded :) ok ive offically lost my mind it seems..so yea getting out for a while is a good thing!

and so i thought about it..and its not really a thing of trust its more of a thing of can anyone else handle reading it..i dont even like reading it..

goal

goal for tomorrow is to go to the library...if i dont make it then theres a huge chance ill just talk myself out of going and waste the day at home again...did go to a couple grocery stores today and that was the highlight of my day..incredibly pathetic yes i know..so tomorrow i hope to go to the library..so i can get a bunch of books to keep me busy next week...where ever im at

funny how im the one without a job and yet im the one lending everyone money! yea id love to know how that works exactly..

hmm bought new razors just to have them..and most likely use them but for now i just stuck them in a drawer and maybe just maybe ill forget where they are..

havent come up with a decision yet for if im going to see yvonne or not..half expecting mommy to say i cant go or something..and i feel a little guilty for even thinking about going but i just dont think i can stay here either..so i just dont know..more pros than cons for this one but i just still feel so guilty over it..

and just feeling a bit crummy ..ok a lot crummy but i have to go and finish cooking and cleaning up the kitchen before mommy gets back

..

im surprised ive been online almost all morning..watching epis of degrassi and pretty much wasting time..i dont want to do anything and if i could have slept for longer i would have just stayed in bed all morning and still done nothing..i dont want to talk to anyone or be around anyone..not that it would be much difference in my day considering i rarely talk to anyway except mommy or wayne..and i dont want to talk to them either..actually all i pretty much want to do is cut..and i was thinking about the absurbness of the entire situation..my legs are where i cut now..more so my ankles and various other areas but im sticking to my legs for now..i was cutting my shoulder last week and its easier to get caught that way..but i dont like sleeping with socks on and so i was laying in bed almost asleep and realized that mommy is crazy enough to have incredibly light sheets on my bed..i refuse to let her do my laundry but still..very uncool having sheets that light when im back to having various open cuts all over the place again..i could keep something on them but i dont want too..my head has gone empty it seems..guess thats just to bad..on a different note...yvonne said i could come and stay with her and i am giving it some thought..im not doing anything worth mentioning next week and i would only stay until friday if i left here on sunday because of babysitting on the weekends..but i dont think i can handle another week at home doing nothing..ive cut three time in the past week..more than ive done in a long time and its just getting worse...not that im saying going to yvonnes is going to make it stop..but just maybe getting away will help calm me down a little bit..dont know and havent decided..and its easy getting lost on campus..

nevermind

it was a stupid idea
im looking for another job
all of it is just stupid
im stupid
and thats about all

hmm

after thinking about it a lot the past few days and hearing mommy ask me again and again if im looking for a new job and how many applications i put in i realized that one its annoying the heck out of me..and two that well its not really about her at all..but shes making it about her without really saying so...like i need to get a job and it has to be better than what she has and i have to have benfits and all this stuff..and no where in there ive i been asked if i like what i picked or if i want to do it or anything..and somewhere along the way all the excitement i felt and relief about getting a job just kinda went away...and got lost underneath everything im being told and its just not fair at all..so as i want looking through the newspaper yet again this morning because mommy so conviently left it on the table again and saw another ad for the place that hired me..and its like i havent even been through there training yet to see if i want to actually take the job...and it makes me feel guilty to keep putting in applications when ive already been signed up for the training and its like ok why cant i wait and see...i knew benefits werent included and i still agreed to do the training..this is what i want to do becuase its keeping me working one on one with ppl and kids and babies..and its not just a monday - friday job..and i was comfortable there and all this other stuff that i liked about it and its like its being taken away before i even get there! so no ive decided im not applying for anything else right now..i dont want to..im ok with what i picked even if mommy isnt..i want to do the training and learn more indepth what ill be doing and all of that..the problem comes along when its sticking to my choice and not being talked out of it..again..shes trying to make me like her and i dont want that..i cant really make plans based on the future when i cant even stay in the present completely..

ive got to find something to do to improve my mood..i really really do

funny

Which Goddess lurks in your soul?
Athena

You are a wise one, my dear! Athena is the Greek Goddess of wisdom, disciplined war, philosophy and knowledge. She is a selective Goddess, as she only inhabits those of your high intelligence and keenness to learn great things. You’re usually not seen without a book in your hand or your eyes glued to the internet (which is, after all, the great information highway!). This should not suggest that you don’t enjoy people, as your cleverness and sharp wit are usually in full force when in a social situation, to everyone’s delight.


- i was on myspace of course and ran into this quiz and took it just cas..and the whole thing is just funny..and i have no idea why! i mean given it does describe me pretty well but still..not what i was expecting and i know some of the greek mythology and find it pretty interesting ..but i wasnt looking to end up being like athena!

is it making excuses..

is it making excuses for not applying for grad school if i say i dont want to rush and try for fall semester...regardless of the reasons i have which i really did think were reeasonable and i have looked at the school website and the applications and all the stuff involved and decided i didnt want to do it now..but it is wrong for me not to try or put some effort into it? i dont know

...

you know what...if i get sick or something i hope i dont die because all anyone seems to worry about is that i have no insurance..i havent had insurance for like 3 years..whats the big deal now?! i dont get it..and now im being told to look for a better job and to apply for grad school and all this stuff and its like ok can i do training at this place and see if i even like it first before i have to go and plan the rest of my future?! i dont know what i want to do..i dont know where i want to go to school or anything..and i do want to go back to school i jut dont know when or how or anything and its just hard trying to juggle everything at the same time and figuring out what im supposed to be doing to make everyone else happy..because my being happy just isnt that important..

you ever get the feeling that you just arent wanted around.

sigh

feeling a lot of stuff right now..no idea what im supposed to be feeling..but mommy is not feeling well again and i feel guilty and selfish for not showing more concern..but i try and then she just start telling me all this stuff i need to do and i dont want to be near her anymore and i just have a hard time controlling my temper..what little one i have..and it sucks..and im just tired of getting so defensive when i know im supposed to be patient and give chances and all this stuff that just doesnt happen when im around mommy..and im feeling sad today..woke up yelling awfully in my head..kinda almost as bad as it was getting before..and it kinda threw me for a loop becuase i wasnt expecting it at all to be like that ... cut this morning..well a little while ago..considered burning ..considered all of it again and it just i dont know..it was calming..in ways i hate to admit and then its like if im caught ill be dead..ill be so far beyond dead i dont know what to do if mommy happens to find out and go threw with her threats of a hospital if i did it again..ill just forget that i never stopped in the first place..feeling off today..really really off and upset..

nothing to interesting

trying to waste time before going downstairs but im hungry and so guess ill have to go eventually..its been a buzy weekend and im tired..feeling really worn out..funny cas i spent the week being bored out of my mind and then the weekend hits and its back and forth for babysitting..not that i mind because i do love going over to there house and i have to admit i fixed a killer dinner for them last night lol..couldnt even eat part of it but the mac and cheese was really good..finally gave in and ate some..and then we went to the grocery store in the middle of the niight for candle and sprinkles and prtty much all things junk food and went back and made rice krispie goo :) which is what we ended up calling it lol..and it did look like spiderwebs as i let them play in and decorate them ..i told them the next time we made some i would dye it a different color and then they could decorate and play in it..i was going to let them play in the food coloring last night but there were no gloves and there hands would have been covered in food coloring we couldnt get off! i dont think there mom would have been to thrilled with that part of it but then she was quite pleased that we had made them..and it was a lot of fun..and then the oldest one ended up watching titanic with me ..well the last part of it and i told him im never ever watching a serious movie with him again lol..we get to the part where jack dies and there doing the cheesy ill never let go part..and of course she does let go and the first thing he says is .. 'she let go! she said she would never let go and she let go' im laughing at him and telling him thats not the point but it was really funny..i think my ugh reactions are off a bit lately..we were playing online on the howrse site and i was checking his and we sign in and his horse has died..now in any other circumstance i wouldnt have found it funny at all..but we laughed about it all night..and it was a semi serious thing..like his horse had died and even thinking back on it now its still really funny...ah we are a pair lol..and then i was laughing at him about his birthday gifts he is asking for..he wants an itouch..and i had never heard of those and so i asked him what it was and he tells me its an iphone without the phone..ok that just makes no sense to me at all and ive been laughing at him all weekend for that ..and he keeps bringing it up because he knows i find it funny ...its been weird..but still enjoyable ..actually well anytime not spent at home is enjoyable..and i feel bad for saying that

never good enough

i thought getting a job was what i was supposed to do? i thought it was good to you know send out resumes and get interviews and find a job..i thought that was the important thing...and i was so happy and pleased yesterday because i had managed to have and go to an interview and not drop dead because i was so nervous and i went and talked and felt ok and even comfortable there talking with the lady who was doing my interview..and i was ok when i left and so excited when i got home..and then mommy comes home and just asks a few questions and then how much im going to be making and its like ok fine i knew it was coming but still it just kinda sucked being asked anyway..because she doesnt care that i have a job all thats important is how much i make as usual..and then she starts asking if im going to be putting in more applicatins and still looking for another job! i thought the whole point of saying i found a job was so that i could stop looking..no i dont plan on staying there forever and no i dont really mind that there are no benefits included..and yes ill be working come feb..but no i hadnt freakin planned on putting in any more appliactions..see i have this loyalty part of myself that i kinda like to keep in my head and if i get a job im not going to just up and quit before i even start because something with benefits comes along..and i wanted this job because it wasnt in an office and i wasnt going to be stuck behind a desk and i still get to work with kids..and everything i want for now in a job! and then in my free time i can look into grad schools or moving or whatever it is i want to do after this because i cant stay here longer than a year..i dont want to and i have no intention of doing it..so by this time next year ill be doing something else and ill have saved up enough to get a new car and pick some random place to live if im not in school or something..but i dont really know ..but why ruin my good mood to question whether or not im going to keep looking..its my choice right ? even if its just for a few months a job is a job and bills dont happen to stop just because i dont have a job..and now i wonder if it was the right choice i guess..all it takes in one person to doubt it and then tell me about it and its like maybe i did the wrong thing..maybe i shouldnt have agreed to do the training..maybe maybe maybe ugh..its not fair! i wanted to be happy about it and i was and now its like i dont care..no acomplishment or anything..like i did everything for nothing..and it doesnt matter..
and to make it all better mommy called me a pig last night..i wasnt even doing anything..i just happened to be standing in the kitchen talking to her about something else and she just asked if i wnted dinner and i couldnt decide but was going to say no anyway and she just turns around and tells me not to be a pig..well gee that was score one ofr self confidence there..and suddenly my glaring lack of pain lately comes back full force..and i wonder when was the last time i really did anything at all that hurted big time..its like well you could care less about how i felt anyway so why not just go ahead and make sure i can do make it hurt more..and i can..its just a matter of whether i really want to do it..and i do..i was trying and i was putting effort into being at home and staying ok..but now i could really care less..im here and ill stay here because i have no where else to go but its like ill just go back to doing what i was to stay calm and well here in a matter of speaking..i want to say its not fair but it makes no difference either way does it? no it doesnt matter at all..so much for trying..im still nothing

just shoot me plz

i got a job!!!!

and im back..and i can say i got the job i dont start until feb but i got the job ..the next training starts at the beginning of feb and then ill be paired up with ppl to work wwith!!! and since its a homecare thing my hours arent set in stone lol..but the lady who interviewed me was really nice and once she started i stopped being nervous! and it helped that i was kidna doing the same thing at my old job...but im feeling much much calmer now



and now i just have to find some way to make extra money for the next three weeks lol

oh my gosh

'im not really me unless im pretending to be someone else'

well of all the places to go and visit on line this morning.i ended up at healthboards..its been two years since i was last there!!! god it seems like forever ago..and going back it still annoys me how they named the si board..not that its a big deal or anything..but still i ended up looking around a little bit and it makes me sad that all the old ppl have kinda drifted away..we all just kinda stopped going and now the board is overrun with new ppl..and i guess thats not entirely fair since i havent thought about the board in forever but i just liked it more before when i knew the ppl better and we were our own little group..i miss them..and only sometimes talk to one of the girls from my time on the board..i hate how we have all lost touch with each other .. but i posted anyway asking about the old ppl so maybe some are still hanging around..

interview

feeling really nervous and anxious but at the same time im not..i think i got so bored being stuck at home that a job interview is a huge step in the right direction..i think and i hope so anyway..finished the application finally this morning..i was stuck on listing the job duties from my other job and i feel like i left some out but i got the main ones..and i didnt realize how nerve wrecking that could be..when im just listing what i did .and as i couldnt sleep this morning i was thinking about strengths and weaknesses..because i just know they will ask and that question always stops me dead...i freeze up and cant think of anythiing at all to say..i think ive been told to always have at least 2 or 3 for each incase it comes up..well i dont think saying im a spazz counts as a weakness at all!! so im still thinking about those.easier coming up with strengths even if i may not completely believe them..but for now thats not the point..i want this job and so im going to do everything possible to get it and relax and be myself (whoever that may be lol) mommy im guessing will call later to wish me luck but i guess she forgot this morning..

its official

im am so far beyond broke right now i have no idea what to do about it ... feeling so nervous about the interview tomorrow..ive become stand in cook and maid at home..fun and i dont know why i was expecting otherwise...and if nothing comes of the interview tomorrow then its back to filling out applications all next week..i hate this i really do..i dont handle to much free time well at all..went out today just to get out of the house and run a few errands and mommy calls looking for me because no one picked up the phone at home..not my problem if wayne doesnt want to talk to her and yet she keeps questioning me about him like i care one way or another what he does..i dont not in the slightest..but i find it funy she implies im fully capable of finding a job with no help but my 26 yr old brother needs everyone looking for him..makes no sense to me..

hmm

kinda miserable how fast the depression thing can creep up on me..kinda annoying..but just been kinda down the past couple days and i dont really know why..kinda feeling left out and invisible at home..and spending my time alone in a house full of ppl..how does that work?! worried and stressing about finding a job because there are a million things to be paid and it all keeps piling up because well gee i cant pay anything ugh...just barely managed to make enough to cover my insurance with last weekends babysitting..and thats with spending almost nothing for anything else..and then all these other things just keep coming up and i want to scream from the stress of it all..if i could have anything in the world and not have to worry about giving it back then all i ask for is a couple thousand dollars to pay bills with..not even play with and ive had to really really restrain myself from buying new books..and lately thats all i want and all i do..i go away and read..what i think about 5 or so books since christmas!! that would be a ton of reading for anyone else but its just not enough..i cant figure out any other way to go away so reading it is..hmm went to the employment place and didnt like it at all...i just got the feeling that they didnt care a bit and they saw to many ppl and had to much stress...whatever the reason was i just didnt feel comfortable there..waited for almost an hour to be called back for about 10 mins and i was done! it was so annoying..ugh..i have no desire to go back there at all..id rather read every newspaper and look online to find a job...and actually i do have an interview on thursday that im a bit nervous about..im trying to keep my options open but this particular place doesnt start training again until feb! a whole month away almost and thats implying that i get the job..still holding out for the first one ..but i know ill have to start putting in more applications..so im checking the newspaper again today when mommy gets home just to see if there is anything else i could apply for..i dont know..im going crazy stuck at home and every day mommy is asking if i heard anything or if i have any money and all this stuff that i dont have answers for..its like a neverending supply of stress and worry and anxiety right now :(

speechless

im speechless right this minute...and i guess thats saying alot lol..but have you just ever gotten a comment that just floored you in its unexpectedness and honesty? and that it came from someone who knew and worked with me for a summer so its not as if it came out of the blue from some person i never met..but this is an honest to goodness real person who saw me so frustrated i didnt know what to do over the summer at the camps..and who i worked with in passing and greww to like a lot but from afar you know because im not big on making friends and everything..but she was just so carefree and my kids loved being in the art room with her ( this person was the art teacher for the summer camp) and i knew she had been in the psych hospital and had an ed..and it was just one of those if you only knew kinda things but anyway..this is the comment she left on my myspace page


You know... I always looked up to you in awe... I want to be where you are someday... in the way you act... interact with the kids... deal with life...
Just wanted to let you know!



i wrote her back and told her thanks but i keep going back and looking at the message because it surprises the heck out of me..its like that little vote of confidence ive been missing lately..i never exxpect anyone to look up to me or tell me ive done anything good or well you get the picture..and part of me is fighting hard to not take it for what it is and question why and everything but this is one of those random times when i want to nice feeling it leaves..i do..

therapy

i woke up thinking about therapy this morning..weird dream about having therapy over the phone when i hate talking on the phone and i was falling asleep on the phone and just felt guilty for not talking and yea it was really weird..why is it that i cant just say ok ill go..its not a big deal just talking right ?? and yet you would think i was a step away from signing my death sentence or something..it just scares me so much and its so humiliating having to need to go to therapy in the first place..i hate thinking i need help regardless of how much i do need help... its just ingrained to deep..hide everything and everything will be ok and now i get seem to get away from that..i dont know what to say or what to talk about and somethings its like ill die if i get to close to saying to much anyway..sometimes its like just standing in front of a wall and i cant get around it or through it or anything and im just stuck and no one can help me..i cant decide and i dont know what to do...also work up this morning really wanting to hurt and that turned into cutting but then i couldnt decide where to do it not if i wanted to do it..how screwed up is that?! if nothing else screamed go back to therapy well that did and still i want to fight it all the way..and even if i went eventually they would have to get my info from my other doc and that worries me too..i keep thinking she will write that the only way to get info out of me is to make me write it down..yea its true but i dont want anyone to actually say that about me..and i dont even know what she would say and im prolly just freaking about about nothing..

ok day

today is friday and that is pretty much cleaning day at home for as long as i can remember..so its just kinda i know that before i can actually leave the house without feeling guilty about it ...and im babysitting tonight anyway..so i actually put some effort into cleaning my room and got all of dustis stuff straightened up..and went through the clothes i plan on giving away and got them bagged up and everything..and did my hair and now i have to just clean the bathroom and the kitchen and play a game of scrabble and then ill get dressed to get out of here..well just to go to work but thats ok..not much to write about... feeling better today at least and im guessing some of not feeling good is just my body getting used once again to my changing eating habits..i really should just pick something and stick to it! but i guess in a couple weeks ill be fine and for now im not to worried..dusti was trying to get on mommys bed last night with mommy in it..but when mommy told me about it today she wasnt to mad but now i have to make sure dusti doesnt get out of my room at night..and the nia and everyone is all freaked dusti will go in there rooms at night..but oh well..ill just keep her in my room at night..but i hate that if im not here then they just try to lock her in my room all the time and wont let her out..its not like she does anything to anyone at all but nia is still scared of her..other than the usual stuff today has been alright..it helped that the house was quiet for part of the morning

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

power and control

for some reason ive been stuck on ages again lately...keep wondering where the blame is supposed to be placed when the ages are incredibly close together and one is being hurt..maybe both were hurt i dont know..and i asked my questions in a couple places and eventually the subject got around to who had power and control and who didnt...wasnt really based on age either..and i rarely give power or control much thought because im used to doing what im told regardless..but in a way thats me giving up what little control i may have over something..and now ive been thinking a lot about how that plays into things and its odd because it really has nothing to do with age or size or gender or any of the other obvious deciding factors..because when i think about it i go to the most obvious thing ..someone had to be older and so someone had to be able to say stop or something..but that may not a completely accurate assumption..because if one person is being forced i guess to do something they dont want to do then one of the two had to know to stop fighting..or somewhere along the line leading up to everything someone learned to not say no inorder to make things easier and look where it got them..none of it really makes sense though..and im not even sure what im looking for anymore

in some sense im not doing well at all..im worn out trying to keep with everything..and this morning mommy got back so im up before 8 because she was yelling at me about money and whether i was looking for a job or not..doesnt matter that she woke me up and i wasnt completely keeping up with all the questions..but its like oh i dont know just hard...feeling really dejected about things at home..

on the other hand i was asked to spend the night over the weekend because the kids parents are going out of town..and i told her i would..i need the money i do but i also like being over there as i told her last night..i took the boys to barnes and noble yesteerday and it was fun..like our third trip there in a couple weeks lol..i helped them pick out books..and the youngest one got where the sidewalk ends which is one of our favorite books and i was reading it to him last night for an hour..and the oldest got eragon even though when we talk about that book we have to talk about the night i took them to see it and he fell asleep in the first 20 mins of it :). i knew he would but the two other kids i was with wanted to see it and we had to go to a late one lol..so now the rule is no late movies because riley will fall asleep in it! i cant believe they are turning 11 and 9 this year..and still its jsut ive known them forever and im treated like im the greatest person ever when im with them..ill have to bring my camera so i can get some new pictures of them...we were watching videos on youtube yesterday and i showed them the funny one from the blue man group and they are going around singing the chorus part of it lol..and we watched school house rock and shel sliverstein poems and some music videos..and it was fun..

sometimes

sometimes it is as if i dont even fit in in my own house...even here my ability to do things is based on how much i can give someone else..

not feeling good..starting to worry about mommy coming home tomorrow night..

2008

its 2008...i stayed up all night in the end lol..that last hour was just painful !! but still managed to stay up and caught the ball dropping on tv..and then it was over and it was just another day.. just weird...came over to dees house early to straighten up a bit and feed the dog..dont plan on staying long though because they are coming home today and im not really feeling like babysitting but i will if i have to..and then i will prolly just be hanging out at home today..and waiting for the world to return to normal tomorrow!



but still im really hoping 2008 will be a good year..cant help it