all day

'life is a breeze we live it for fun.no apologies to anyone' (the pippi longstocking song) has been going through my head..and at the oddest times! its a fun song but after about the 100th time ive mumbled the words to myself its like ok this has got to stop!

today has been weird..im so so tired and all of the running back and forth with spending all day and most of the night babysitting to go home and sleep and then come back to babysit again is tiresome...ive been with both riley and harris everyday for the better part of a week! yes ive made some extra money that i dont think ill be doing anything but paying bills with but oh well..i needed the extra and maybe ill be able to put some aside to do some fun stuff with..i dont know yet..and it depends on if i have to babysit tomorrow..overall it hasnt been bad or anything and ive loved hanging out with both of them but im just killer tired..today harris went with me to run a few errands and we went to the postoffice and the bank and to look for webkinz for my niece and it was supposed to be innocently looking and shopping for someone else..but no we had to find the one dalmation that was left and then gave it up for harris because he wanted it and then they brought out the new black cats..like just off the truck new and it was ok you keep the dalmation and ill get a black cat..who has been named salem :) great name too and it made my day..spending a lot of money on toys wasnt cool or expected but i wont complain..its not often i get to do things like that and its been forever since ive gotten harris anything so getting one for him wasnt a big deal..i wont mention it to mommy but it was fun..and if i come back tomorrow i know ill have to take riley to get one because its the fair and good thing to do and i would want him to have one from me anyway..but picking out webkinz for ppl who have a lot is hard and its better if he just comes with me and gets one hisself..so that was the splurge of the week and now its time to remember all the things i have to pay..uncool that its so much but ok i knew it was coming..or ive been putting it off..played with the crayola color explosion thing and that was really cool..its like special paper and markers and the colors and built into the paper and you can draw what ever you want on the paper and then the color just comes up in a way..kinda weird drawing an unhappy picture in bright and warm colors lol..but it gives it a funny effect..and it fits in a way..but its seriousl one of the coolest things ever..i got the fire and ice one but i think we will go back and get one of the darker ones too just to be fair..only one an a half more days left before its time to head back to work and i hate to admit im ready to go but i am..ome is just home and it sucks that its a place i would rather not be..home is where your happy ive been told..so maybe im still looking for the correct place to call home...anyway..other stuff in the world of me..the new saving jane cd rocks and i think i like everysong thats on it :) i go a new book about wolves..fiction but its really cool and im wondering who gave it to mommy and why she gave it to me..but its one i know ill really like and i cant wait to get home so i can read it some more...and its official ive had my license for a year and my insurance dropped aabout 80 bucks and that really made me happy last night when i saw it! i cant believe its been a year..i can still tell im not the best at driving and i still get freaked out really easy or hit the curb coming out of parking space or turning but im better at parking and going the speed limit..so maybe it is just a trade off...i wonder what ppl pay who have had there license for years? if im still almost at 300 and its only bee a year then those ppl must pay like 5 bucks lol..lucky...hmm what else..its less than a month until my birthday..and it will be really cool that yvonne is coming to visit..thats about all my looking forward too..it wont be a big deal and right around now i start telling everyone ive canceled my birthday anyway..maybe ill find something fun to do and it wont be a bad birthday..i dont know..im getting anxious to find out the work schedule for the next few months..im anxious to find out who ill be working with also..but i have to wait until monday i suppose..hopefully i will be on the road and heading back by 7am on sunday and i think ill go i40 way..i like it better than the way i come from sc..less highways to switch onto and i hate merging into traffic..plus i really want to know when the dc trip will be ..cant wait to go back to the zoo..i wonder if it snows in dc? i wonder if we will be camping in the snow? i wonder if its even possible to camp in the snow? i vote for sleeping in the van if its snowing!! if its the final trip then it wont be until nov late or early dec..so im just wondering ... but im alot calmer about things today..its like i know what it is i have to do or wat ive been coercerd into doing whatever..and now its just down to picking when it will all happen and how i want it to go..not thrilled but not a big deal..

life

the surgery went ok i guess..she is still in the hospital and will be for another few hours for monitoring and stuff ..but im still worried alot and wondering what will happen if the surgery didnt really work since they didnt even find what they were looking for..but whatever..doctors are doctors for a reason even if i do think they are stupid and a waste of money..hmm prolly why i havent been to a doctor in forever..but im healthy enough i suppose..i havent dropped dead of some random issue yet so i cant complain..

home is home and im counting the days until i can leave..there is nothing helping me there and its kinda like being trapped in a really small bubble that only has about 5 ppl in it..and everyone is seperated by these huge walls..soundproof of course...might as well be on an deserted island and leave it at that..i did the right thing and came home but i cant help wondering why it is everyone always asks why it is i come..i mean real reason why and not just i have to like i enjoy saying for lack of anyting else..but i dont know..and when i did i dont think it even made sense at all..but i still dont know..im being the good one and doing what im expected to do..and there are a lot of expectations in my small little meaningless world..everyone wants something different and im running out of ways to keep everyone happy it would seem..i was pretty much told to go on a diet today and its like you have no idea what it is you want me to do..there is no half way and its either go crazy or say whatever i dont care..with enough time and enough pushing i suppose she will win out as she usually does and prolly hold something ive done wrong over my head to make sure i remember what it is im supposed to be doing..smile and then choke to death i suppose on the bunch of lies i get to hear about how this is for my own good and im only being told you know im worthless now before someone else can tell me..too bad ive heard it all before and too bad it still has the same effect..the problem of course coming in when suddenly my thinking works its way back around to well ok she hates me but ive spent years perfecting just how much i can hate myself..and i can turn it off and on at will it seems..its like i took everything i heard and made it grow and multiply until it was want i wanted and needed it to be..i can hurt myself fine but i dont let anyone else know if they have hurt me...fun the things i picked up as a kid..oh well for me...like i said as long as i keep m stupid mouth shut things are peachy..

laura is here visiting and that was fun last night..talking to her and i had spent the day playing with parker and riley and harris..kids are easy and we drove over to the beach house singing as loud as possible to big girls don cry..they are waiting for me now to show up at the beach house but i will be late..i have no intention of being there right now and i think it was a lot more important for me to get online for a few minutes or an hour before i drove myself up a wall being upset..now its just more of a dead feelings..but anyway..we stayed up last night playing tennis games and watching americas got talent and generally being silly..but it was still fun..

have you ever felt so incredibly hopeless and that you were walking into something that feels an awful lot like a trap but it could all be avoided with the simplest of words and i cant do it...i would rather drive myself crazy worrying about all of it and none of it and not being able to fix anything..if i could cry i would..but that completely escapes me..and im just feeling to spacey to really think any more about any of it..im still off from napping earlier and its been a slightly miserable afternoon..

hmm this feels like a waste of time...im trying hard not to cut and it takes so much more to try not to and really try than to just say screw it and cut..i hate trying

not much

hmm calmer today..finally got around to hanging the curtains in my room so that it stays darker longer and i can sleep in ...at some point ill have to get the rod thing but for now it works although i fully expect dusti to have it pulled down by the time i come back..but its ok..ill just hang them correctly next time..kinda tired and blahish today..i just want to go back to bed..but it is funny watching dusti play with a mini ball of clay and chase it all over the palce since i actually uncovered it once again for her..and happened to find quite a few of her toys underneath the bed..i was really surprised when i looked under the bed and only found toys..considering how much junk i had all over the floor i thought i would find a million different things..but it was just toys..now im trying to figure out laundry and cleaning my car..the glass is cracked on the front windshield and im really worried about it but i cant do anything about it now until i get some extra money and im not really sure what to do about it then..ill have to ask mommy about it when i get home..i dont even know how it happened..its just that every so often i look at it and its gotten longer..it sucks big time and makes me paranoid..so hopefully ill be able to get it fixed..among other things i need to have done to my car..but ill work on that when i can...kinda all over the place right now..and i keep looking at what i need to get done and its a bit overwhelming and of couse im putting off packing well i kinda gotta get laundry done to get packing done..but i am really tired today..

i want to cut and thats about all..maybe ill fall asleep before i do anything

nothing important

today has been a busy day..i woke up early and took out the trash and got rid of all the annoying beer that was hanging around..geez i thought it was really fun emptying out beer bottles but then i didnt buy then and i had no intention of drinking any of them so down the drain they went..cleaned up really nice yesterday in the living room and kitchen and now its a mess again..darn why cant i let it stay clean..but then i get so bored and have to pull it all out again..i was supposed to be tackling my closet today but im not sure if i will ever get around to it..i went to walmart this morning and ended up leaving with cat food and a new cd i didnt need but wanted all the same..darn for impluse buys and i didnt even find the one i was really looking for..i need to find a bigger music store around..but i will look for it again when i go home ...got change for laundry so i can get that done tomorrow..got lunch..played with dusti and FINALLY went and got a library card!! that was exciting and the library was so big and nice and clean..for some reason i noticed it was clean..but anyway that was really cool and i found a bunch of books i wanted to read and i had to keep reminding myself i could come back whenever i wanted to and didnt have to get every book i wanted now :) ..and now im tired from waking up early and trying to decide which book it is i want to read..

Some time in the past hour or so i decided to just leave when i wake up on friday and not rush home..there is no point to it at all and i can just enjoy the day as boring as it will be..talked about nias birthday some but not about her going for surgery..kinda weird she didnt bring it up and i guess she prolly doesnt even know mommy told me..i also learned laura is coming and bringing her 2 kids!! that last time i talked to her was in dec i think and told her i graduated..its been forever and i enjoy her company so much and i havent seen her 2 kids in forever..so yea its pretty much set in stone that ill be babysitting the entire time im at home..and when i come back it will be time for training..so better enjoy this week big time..and i have enjoyed it.. i have been in a pretty good mood for the first time in a while and it stayed..not like i usally am and slightly bipolarish..nope pretty steady mood and getting to sleep as much as i want prolly helps..right now im just kinda like umm i want to know what my new work schedule will be so that ill know how to plan...on the 27th when i go back i guess ill give my request for days off..its only two and i hope it works out..that way i can start planning for my birthday and halloween..hmm just travel stuff though..and saving money and everything..ive also decided to figure out the whole savings acct thing and other random bank stuff so i can start sorting out money and saving up for trips and stuff we will be taking..i can not go back to dc and not leave without a zoo present..that wouldnt be cool and i really want a panda.

all of that stuff aside i also have to decide who it is that will be moving in with me..i dont want to let jim know he can because bec is still waiting to see if she got the job and i hate that the office is dragging their feet in letting her know..either way i have to figure out what is going to be happening..i dont mind having a roommate and for the next few months it will really help..but do i want to live with someone again? better yet if we work in the same group will i want to live with anyone lol..if we worked in seperate groups it would be like now except some one else would be coming in and out of the apartment..and it just seems a little weird but im not complaining..it will be ok and if it doesnt work out then i will have to let everyone know and i can have my apartment back..

im getting really tired though..naptime

bored

oh fun..mommy has taken out life insurance on me again..i know how much im worth..but then comes the tricky part of course ..she lied ..she lied on part of the application about me and now she calls and gets upset with me becase i cant be reached to validate i lie i had nothing to do with..and i had to do a stupid phone interview and it sucked..i mean just about all of it was the truth but good grief it was just long and stupid and made no sense..keep taking out life insurance on me and i may just have to up and die for the heck of it..im just annoyed i guess

hmm work is over with for the summer at least..and for that i am really really happy..it was really stressful and im just really tired ..so im glad of a week to do absolutely nothing at all..its fun and boring and so very dull..im thinking maybe ill go to the library tomorrow and get a library card and just walk around a little bit downtown...since ive put off going i might as well go now..im feeling a little better but my eyes still really hurt and i have a bit of a headache too..i hit my head in the pool the other night and didnt pass out or anything but it hurt and then i wasnt feeling good and so ive been sleeping a lot and just hoping it will go away..but its much better today ..so im just chilling and making a huge mess pulling things out and leaving them on the floor..its gonna be a pain in the butt to clean it all up though!!

ive made it a goal to clean up my room though..its not even cool how many clothes are pulled out all over the place and under everything...i guess the whole apartment could use a good once over..maybe i should go through and just get rid of all the stuff i dont wear..its bad enough my closet looks like a clown threw up in it i have so much stuff but mommy keeps buying me clothes and i dont need them! now i want to go shopping for new clothes just for the heck of it lol..i just got a ton of new clothes that im not sure im even going to wear really...mommy keeps buying me sleeveless shirts i cant wear and she knows it..but she buys them anyway and i look at them and it makes me sad that i cant wear them anywhere unless they are underneath another shirt...my fault but it doesnt lessen the saddness any...kinda sucks seeing everyone getting to wear tank tops and whatnot all the time this summer when it was killer hot and i stick to my tshirts like my life depended on it..i guess i didnt really think this far ahead when i started but now its like freaking heck what did i do..oh well..im not complaining..how stupid is it that i made a goal to go swimming in hooker falls..some day anyway with a bathing suit on..theres of course a lot more that would have to go into that planning but im working on it slowly..and like 5 years down the line im sure ill talk myself into actually doing it but for now its nice to think about..

hmm im just bored and worried about 50 million things right now..should prolly be starting to get stuff ready to go home..but to do that i have to start finding all my clothes again..

life soundtrack

Rules:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie.

MY LIFE'S SOUNDTRACK!
1. Opening Credits: La Vie Boheme - Jonathan Larson
2. Waking Up: Never Let Go - Bryan Adams
3. First Day At School: Home - Marc Broussard
4. Falling In Love Breakaway - Kelly Clarkson
5. Fight Song: 525 600 - rent
6. Breaking Up: October - evanescence
7. Prom: Cleanin out my closet - eminem
8. Life: Little Miss Mary Sunshine - saving jane
9. Mental Breakdown: The Lion Sleeps Tonight - The lion king soundtrack
10. Driving Far Away: Be Prepared - The lion king
11. Flashback: Dont Change - googoo dolls
12. Wedding: Gossip Folks - Missy Elliot
13. Birth of Child: God is a DJ - Pink
14. Final Battle: Across The Lines - Tracy Chapman
15. Death Scene: The Stampede- The Lion King
16. Funeral Song: Dear Friend - Stacie Orrico
17. End Credit: Superman - Eminem

one of those days

today started off ok i guess and i spent most of the morning hanging out at home with yvonne and then had to go to work and thats kinda when things just went downhill a bit..im done pretending that i want anything to do with my wonderful coworker and i want nothing to do with her..its like ok i did what i had to do and now its done and i dont have to worry about her anymore...i dont enjoy being treated like im five and being given demands to do things...im old enough to know what i have to do and i dont need to be told ...if i dont want to do it then to bad i guess ..i dont do well being given orders ..i dont work like that at all ..but anyway i have enjoyed watching her get stressed over nothing and its like of everytihng ive done and as much as i gave her what she needed she freaks out about cleaning the cabin? give me a break and today i just didnt care and did everything but help her as much as i could have..but whatever..no big deal..when they all leave i will still be here ..i will still have to reclean everything in a couple weeks..so i was a bad example and drank a little bit and slacked off..before leaving at 5..it was so hot..and for some reason it has been really really really killer hot lately and its so miserable..talked to jim about whether he would be coming back to the semesters and by right i wouldnt come back..i really wouldnt because they are treating him like crap and he wont take it..thats a good thing..i hope he stays but i can also understand it if he doesnt..im not even sure i want to stay anymore because i dont know the standards are just kinda off...but i dont know..but we had one of the closing ceremonies today and it was sad thinking of everyone leaving and true ppl are slowly making there way away from camp and it is sad having to say good bye to everyone..i want the quietness but still it will be different..but it was after that and i was just kinda hanging around not really doing anything just listening to some of the others joke around and whatnot and i just didnt really want anything to do with it ..i listened and laughed but its like it would have gone on whether i was there or not..i dont really matter in some situations and i dont know why it just kinda thought about it today..but its depressing i guess..knowing i can disappear and that it wouldnt really matter..i thought i wouldnt care about it..but that has changed a little bit too..it matters but not a lot..just a little bit..i just really wanted to go away and be by myself .. but i didnt get that either because yvonne came home with me and i was just getting more and more annoyed and more and more upset about everything..i was seriosuly thinking about cutting on the way home but for no other reason except to do it because i wanted too..it has been a while since ive attacked myself like that ..i was yelling about everything in my head..i wanted to hurt and i knew how to do it..i still know how to do it..it never went away it was just in hiding for a while i guess..maybe i was just to busy the past couple months to really sit down and think about anything..and now im starting to have more free time and its like great what am i supposed to do now? back to the same old thoughts and feeligns and its draining trying to sort all of it out..and now there is so much more to add on to it..i have to worry about mommy and nia and henry even..i have to worry about work and my apartment and dusti..i ahve to worry about going home and making sure im doing everything im supposed to do and its not fair..why is it that i have to have so much stuff in my head and it stays there ..all i do is think and think and think and worry and worry and worry..its like i never get a break..worrying about nia is making a lot of other stuff come up i guess..suddenly all my reasons for not liking hospitals and doctors are coming up..and i cant help but think of the iront of all of it..i remember when i first found out about nias heart condition and i was worried then and they fixed it enough with meds..but now there has to be surgery and i cant do anything but wait and wait until someone decides to tell me what is going on..i wonder how long mommy has known about the surgery and didnt tell me..i wonder how long nia has known and didnt tell me..its not fair that im left out of things until the end and then im expected to drop everything and go home and suddenly be available because im told to..no i dont think thats really fair at all..and who in the heck and im supposed to be talking about any of this too? i realize how easy it is to feel incredibly alone...i dont want to go and talk to aaron because it will be all over camp and i dont want that to happen..but at the same time its like i know if i talked to him he would listen at least..if nothing else he would listen and hear me..but that wont work for everything..i still remember what i was told the last few times i went to see arran .. i thought i was doing a good job keeping away from crisis's but this summer has been really hard and things just keep adding up..its one thing or another and im not sure what else can happen to make it get any worse..ive already done one funeral and i dont want to have to go to another

finally its over

camp is over!!! finally its all over and done with and i can say im really happy to be done with the crowdedness..it was starting to really get to me ..all the noise and tons of kids all running around and realizing that some ppl just dont work well with kids with special needs for whatever reason but its just as annoying having a counselor yelling at a kid than just having the kid freak out over something..but anyway its over and done with and i can say its been fun but also really hard and stressful too..i wouldnt want the office job to save my life or any of the program manager jobs either..all it is is never ending phone calls and talking to worried parents..but i have to say i did ok on the phone at the end talking to parents and being nice and respectful but still talking about how there kids were doing..out of all of it i would say i enjoyed almost all of the kids i worked with and even some i didnt get the chance to work with..its really funny having kids in different groups just saying hi and giving hugs everytime they see you and thats all..but kinda cool too..it was really cool seeing some of the returners and meeting all the new kids..i really hope some of them come back..but now that its over im back to wondering what it is im going tobe doing with myself for the next year..i have to decide if i want to cvome back again next summer and deal with all of this again..i have to decide where im going to move to and then if im going back to grad school yet...i have to decide if bec will live with me when she gets the job..and the more i think about it the more i really want her to come and even if she doesnt get the job just to have someone living with me again for a little while so i can see if i can deal with it again and not freak out so much...not to mention it will help with savings and stuff ..but of course some ppl in the office just dont stay on top of thingsand so she keeps asking me if she has a job and i ahve nothing new to tell her..its so annoying because i know we need the help and they are wasting time not hiring ppl..it sucks...but as for the job its like ok im here until dec if nothing else..and that much im sure about and after that i dont know..i want to ask for a raise but i dont know how to do it..i know i will do it but i just dont know how its done...and if the semester is run the same way it was done this past semester then im not sure ill be staying past december..but that brings up the question of whether ill be coming back for the summer..and i like the summer..i really do but im not sure ill be able to come back if im not actually working within the program already..its hard thinking about things that far in advance and it just really does make me really nervous and anixous and i want to curse aaran for not letting me get on anxiety meds..specially since she knew i was getting so worked up over everything that i was starting to have panic attacks..but then i left her before she got me more into that..but i guess i also know i wouldnt have agreed to it anyway since im completely against the whole meds thing..i can be crazy or not without the help of meds thanks..but anyway..but to get back on topic...hmm so nope i dont know what im going to do and it makes me wonder because i dont know and i should...its always been like that..or maybe not..maybe ive just always had someone else there to tell me what to do and that made it easier to pretend i had a clue as to what was going on and i guess its not really fair to let it stay like that ..but ive learned that its not really good to do that either because right now i have no one to answer to ..no one that is within reach of me anyway and i let myself get away with a lot of things i shouldnt...but its different learning where the balance is..because once again i was pulled out of the circle of ppl who had a say in what i did and didnt do..and held me responsible for everything i did..no didnt like it but i put up with it..and now its not there and its like sending a kid into the candy store and instructions to get ehatever it is they want too..there are no boundaries anymore..nothing else matters and i can do what i like..given yea i have limits but it takes a lot to get to them...so its just hard for now until i decide if ill go back...if bec comes then there will have to be more boundaries but ill wait before going anymore into that but all of that rambling aside because ive done it a million times before..today has been actually pretty good..i was annoyed earlier with some of the ppl i worked with because it was like ok kids are gone and i want to leave but i cant because the cabins were still a mess and we werent allowed to leave before cleaning and it was like i was the only one doing t hings..i was annoyed at how many ppl ended up as couples and that now they are all breaking off again and its gross and a waste of time and way to hot to even bother doing aything there..besides what ever happened to having morals at work? dont mix work and play or something along those lines..yes i have my fun but never at work..that is wrong..why would anyone be stupid enough to drink and smoke pot at work? with kids there..and why arent they all fired on the spot when it is discoovered? maybe some of it has to do with giving second chances and that everyone does deserve a second chance but sometimes its like they go to far because they know they can get away iwth it and its not fair at all..why upset the ppl who work there butts off to give second chances to the ppl who dont deserve it..its not fair at all..but who am i to complain? im not the ones making the decision..its not my choice at all..but after a while i didnt care anymore and i did what i had to do and got my stuff moved out of the cabin and packed up again..that majorly sucked by itsself..i hate packing and moving my stuff..but im not sure im going to be moving my stuff into the top cabin because it would be easier to leave it in my car and just come home at night..im tired of being at camp so muhc..i want to spend some time at my apartment and actually get some use out of it..hmm ive finally decided that i dont need to go home until the 17th..i found out i have paid time off and i can not go to work for a couple weeks and still make a little bit of money..not a lot but enough to keep getting by and if i go home i can babysit maybe and make some extra gas money to get back in time for training...ive decided im not going to the wedding because i dont want to..but then i also found out some really bad news too and im worried about nia..shes having heart surgery next week :(..i dont like hospitals or doctors or anything like that..prolly why i havent been in forever but anyway..im worried..so maybe going home for a few days is for the best just to be there incase anything happens..and riley and harris will be completely thrilled about my new webkinz...yvonne bought me a new one today .. a bunny that has been named jessica :) majorly cool ..and now im just hanging out at home trying to decide when to give up and just go to bed be cause im tired ...

thinking alot

as i watched clips from higher ground yet again..because i was bored and youtube is great but anyway..i was watching clips and theres this scene with a girl/student telling her teacher type person that she shouldnt expect to be trusted and learn someone elses secrets if she cant share her own..in a nutshell..interesting concept ive decided..its like what i heard a million times in all the social work classes i took..you have to know what your limits are in sharing things about your life to someone your working with..but its also pretty obvious that if you really know someone even in just a working relationship they will know when you are lying to them and it doesnt matter if its being done to protect them either..a lie is a lie..so i guess the next question is what counts as a lie? does it really go a bit farther than just saying its when you say something thats not true? do the rules change when you have to protect someone else? i dont know

nervous

i am slowly slipping back to where i was before with eating vs not eating..suddenly throwing up isnt a bad thing anymore ..suddenly i dont have to eat dinner and going to bed hungry makes me feel accomplished..im not even sorry its happening..im ready to give up meat again just because i know if i do it will stop me from just picking up more junk food on the way home..all the time i think of food and what i shouldnt be eating..i think of how much i will have to give up to reach my goal and i wonder if im strong enough to let it go that far?! i wonder if ill be strong enough to stop when it gets out of hand..and then i wonder who will stop in and stop me when i cant handle it anymore..how can i want to be saved from something i willing let get out of hand for no other reason than to lose weight again..i dont get it at all..:cute this is what i think about all day long..i watch the girls that i work with..who eat all day long and stay so skinny..and then i look at me and realize i eat less than they do but i also eat more junk food and unhealthy food..i didnt learn how to eat correctly as a kid and so now i refuse to eat what im not used to but what i am used to isnt really all that healthy..is it possible to live on the plainest salad possible? i dont like vegetables..i only like certain fruits but i love bread..i snack all day long and then dont eat meals like i should..i wonder about giving up soda completely..is it really bad for you? diet soda i mean..i should drink more water and stop walking around dehydrated and ready to pass out all the time..i have so many thoughts in my head about stuff i already know and i cant stpo them...i was thinking about my teeth today and that i havent been to the dentist in god knows how long and i wonder what all the throwing up has done to them? i wondered if i should make an effort to go and have them looked at but i dont want too..im afraid too..i know everything that will happen..what can i say ed's are an obession of sorts..i read about them..i watch movies about them..i go to websites about them..but i dont need ways to learn to do it..i learned that on my own..i just like finding out other ppls thoughts on the things i think and obsess about..i like knowing im not the other person so obsessed about the small stuff..and even hearing and seeing the horror stories does nothing to make me want to stop..how many ppl have i met online who i lost touch with and knew they had an ed and wonder if they are dead now? how many times have i been told to stop what im doing because it will kill me..and still i dont..i think it would be to far saying i dont care..but i dont know how else to explain it..im ready to watch myself die for reasons i cant explain..but im not ready to be helped completely because i dont want to have to talk about all the weird things that go on in my head..i dont want to voice my concerns to a doctor and be forced to go on meds..if i wanted meds i would take the good stuff from my brother but i wont..i try not to anyway..no need to get addicted to morphine..but good grief he had his wisdom teeth pulled and they gave him some good pain meds and i saw them and wanted them and even went so far as to take the bottle out and keep it for a while..but then i put them back..i dont want to lose my job..i dont want to have something else to battle when all of this is making it so hard as it is..and to make it worse..i cut on monday..i ruined almost a month of not doing it because i was so stressed about apartment stuff and money ..i was so scared and worried and crying and all i wanted was to cut and hurt and make it all go away for a while..i look at my arm and wonder why i did it again..i think of how much more i manage to ruin my body for no other purpose than because i can:( you know i actually missed cutting..i wanted to do it because i was bored a couple weeks ago..i wanted to do it because i was forgetting what it felt like to forget completely.i was forgetting what it was to be so focused nothing else could get through..and i wanted it..i really wanted it...and now its mine again..

and now it seems ive gotten to the bottom of whats been bothering me...how pathetic is that..because for the past few hours i couldnt figure out what it was that was making me feel so nervous..maybe i should be more worried about why it started now..

life

life continues regardless of whether i want it to or not.not that i want it to end or anything but everything is just blah right now.im tired really incredibly tired and drained..all the noise and crowdedness of the camp is starting to get at me..meals are the worst because there are so many different groups in there and it gets so loud! i try hard not to zone out but i watch my group without really watching them..all the time i count them over and over to make sure none are going somewhere and i dont see it..i swear at the end of the summer i will only be able to count to 8 and then ill be doing it like ever 5 minutes! its so funny that its really come to that again! im back to being unable to focus on anything at all for longer than 30 mins again.. still some of it is that ive been around kids who dont focus! but even that will lessen some in a month or so..but for now its just like ill be talking to someone and half way through the convo its oh look a bug or something shiny or im off on something else that matters in no real way..great fun

so my second to last group of kids went home today and it was good to see them go and knowing they all had a good time..but it was hard knowing one had already had to go because of behavior..i felt so guilty for not being able to help him more once again..but then i remember how many times i had rocks thrown at me or books thrown at me..i cant forget he destroyed my harry potter book the day after i got it! oh that one still makes me so so so upset because he did it only to get me upset..and i actually chased him (because of running away) for a while before erika caught me and i started crying about it..it really hurt that he only did it because he was mad at me about something else and my book was lying right there..and all the times he hurt others smaller than him and kids he didnt know..and that he wasnt sorry at all..and i know we did what we could..and that was that..but the others had a good time..i had fun with them..playing games and being silly and just having fun..and its really nice to have parents that bring junk food and cards and tips..the money not being important but its nice to be appreciated and thanked..its nice to have parents that do realize how much it takes to keep these particular kids safe for 2 weeks and still let them have a good time..and seriously one parent brought me and heather so much junk food that im set for a month with chips and cookies and drinks and thats after we split it all in half and got what we wanted..plus left some for the other base staff! and a toy lol..its like magnetic knex and they are really cool..and the cash and gift cards didnt hurt either..i got a new movie! 300 and im watching it now..decided against going to the movies because im just so darn tired and feeling lazy right now..so we have decided to try for the movies the next time im off from work..i want to see the transformers or bratz when it comes out..seriously my only escapes from life is books, music, and movies..i live through them in so many ways..but anyway...hmm on to other stuff..im excited about the youngest kids coming on sunday..we are getting 6yr olds :) i loved the 8 and 9 yr olds and they proceeded to tell me i was about 7 and liked a lot of kid stuff! no idea why they would think that lol

other random stuff

i got a unicorn webkinz :) completely still thrilled about that one...white water rafting rocked and it was so cool..we did a level four rapid and got stuck and then got went zooming down when we were unstuck and it was so scary but so fun! completely terrifying looking down a rapid and being stuck and just seeing rocks and rushing water under you! im learning to knit and thats just weird by its self because its like i picked it up really easily for the most part and it keeps me busy..and its slow enough that i can do it and still absently pay attnetion to my job :P im looking for a new apartment and planning on moving to asheville in dec i think..if i dont stay at talisman i think ill start looking into new leaf..if i sont go home..and im just not ready to go home yet..i want to start saving for a new computer but i cant do that without a roommate or a good raise..i wonder how you even ask for a raise? hmm dont know..but im waiting until the summer is over and we are starting stuff for the semester..but something to think about all the same..mommy wants me to come home in a couple weeks because she is going out of town and nia needs a ride to work..and ill be able to babysit..and guess thats all...

oh the no cutting thing is over for now..and thats all

annoyed

what did i ever do to anyone at all to make things so freaking miserable for me...its been decided im moving and this time i just dont really care..im to upset to cry this time and its more of just being like ok fine..where exactly do they think i have money hidden at so that i have to fix there stupid mistake and then pay more for it..i dont like it and i just dont like that they can screw up and im the one who has to pay to fix it..so ill let my lease run out but im looking for another apartment starting now..well starting the other day since i asked around the office for apartment book things since i was going to be moving..so now i have to borrow a lot of money from mommy that ill have to pay back in a few days..im off of work for now and i dont think ill be making it back before lunch..the way things are going now i dont think ill make it back after lunch either..im waiting for a phone call from mommy and then ill be able to figure out what i have to do..

i found out yesterday that the kid causing a lot of problems in our group is going to be going home today...right up until i found out he was actually going home i wanted him to leave..but as soon as i found out it had been done i felt really guilty for asking them to look into it..but then i think of all the things he has thrown at me and how he stomped on a 4yr old and i dont feel so guilty anymore..if he had gone of the rafting trip we are taking tomorrow and then done something to really hurt someone while we were in the middle of a river it would have been bad and that company wouldnt want us to come back...so for the best he is going home...
the session is almost over..camp is almost over..its been a really long and draining summer..nia was right the second year is harder than the first..a lot harder ..i was thinking last night about what i would say as my reasons for leaving if i had to get a new job..it was interesting because its like well i had kids who threw stuff at me, hit me, completely curse me out and tell me im mean and evil and hated them..etc etc and then i had kids who i saw again and got to work with saw how much they had grown up and matured and remembered what we had worked on last summer...its weird how the small stu ff can suddenly become the big stuff..but oh well..the semester programs are running into trouble because no one wants to work for the program manager..and they were stupid and fired jim and now theres no one to work..all the perspective ppl are saying no..not many of the summer ppl are planning on sticking around for various reasons..and its like ok theres a problem somewhere and linda needs to figure out what it is..im staying only because i said i would and after i talk to jon and things dont change ill let linda know im leaving too...but it will really suck if things dont change because i liked the semesters i just dont like being treated like i have no idea what im doing and picking up the slack of the manager and being blamed for everything that goes wrong..that isnt cool and im not doing it again for another 4 months...its not like i have to stay..i want to stay but i dont have to..i want to stay in aspen and i was talking to jim about the new life school and whether i would want to work there..i dont want to go to the boys school though..maybe ill even try my luck at one of the other programs and move out of state..i dont know..if at all possible i want to stay in aspen though..but i think ill start looking into some of theiir other programs and see which ones i like...but now i have to go

i just want to scream

hmm before i get started on my rant for the past couple days..i would like to mark down in history that today i was complimented by linda on my being calm in stressful situations..that aside i just dont even know where to begin ..i know ive learned all the restraints but its always with the assumption that i would just know it and never really have to use it..ive helped in restraints but never done a complete one on my own..but thats all changed now lucky me...im with the boys again and its the youngest group of boys they are so small and so cute..they are 8 and 9 and for most of them this is the first time they have been away from home..but overall they are just cute kids..but as in every group there is one kid who just makes things a lot harder than they need to be..the first day he freaks and starts breaking stuff..he threw rocks at us ..he destroyed my harry potter book..the one i just bought and he ripped pages out of it...im still upset about that and im not sure it will be going away any time soon..he had to give me the money to replace it but that book was all i wanted and had just bought when he decided to get back at me from telling him to stop something and messed it up..so anyway got through that...next day he freaks about something else and throws a waterbottle and hits another kid in the head..overturns a flowerpot and completely stomps on a 4yr old...i saw it happen and dont think ill ever forget him picking her up and throwing her on the ground and then stomping her in the back..so i did my job and pulled him to the ground..that i didnt like and i still dont..it makes me so mad thinking of him and knowing he didnt care..he hurt her because he was bigger and she was in the wrong place at teh wrong time...he has no remorse..i dont trust him i dont want to be around him..but he isnt going to be sent home at all...today he was restrained again by me because he tried to trip some kid on purpose and it was just because he was mad and wanted to hurt someone else..i couldnt believe he did it like just reached out and grabbed this kids ankle and laughed as he fell...he could have been in a lot more trouble..i grabbed him and moved him..but its like why do we have to be stuck with him..yea we got back and gave linda the whole list of things that he did and he was left to sit in front of the office to think it over..but seriously i dont get this kid at all..he is so smart and he does things like this?! y? i just dont know what we are supposed to do..i hate running to the office for help with a kid but seriously ive done everything im supposed to do to calm him down or talk to him or get him to do his consequences..and it doesnt woork...its killing my energy..right now all i want to do is have the summer end so we can move on and do something else..im tired of the summer stuff..its to crowded and way to overwhleming with all the noise and activity sometimes..i dont get how it can be so bothersome sometimes and i cant handle it but then sometimes i dont care at all..maybe im just to tired..ive been called mean and evil to many times to count..ive been told im hated and its like are you kidding me? ive had ppl i work with stand up for me and its like ok maybe im not mean..and i do try hard not to take what they say to heart but it gets hard...but hmm on to other stuff

kinda annoyed that ive been single staffed with 8 kids, one of whom is in need of a lot of extra help..and its like are you seriously telling me that you are pulling my costaff off of trail to do airport runs and leaving 2 staff to 15 kids? ugh its so annoying and tiring...in a million and one ways..im upset that i was left to work with the one person i really didnt want to be with and it stayed that way because no one else wanted to work with her and so i was left with her..its annoying..and it makes me wish harder for summer to be over and done with..i dont get her at all either and its like she spends so much energy trying to put on a good face for the office staff that its kinda sickening...i dont have enough energy to be that fake and its just ugh i want to tell her to give it a break..if you stay the entire summer that should say enough..but she tries to hard to seem like the perfect counselor..and she treats me like i have no say in some things..ive been here longer and i know how things go...its not a matter of whos better or not..its who can deal with everything thats thrown at them without cracking in front of the kids..and keeping their best interest at heart..i guess its hard seeing how much people can change depending on who they are around and who they are trying to impress..

all of the work stuff aside im thrilled to say i was a spazz and forgot about a couple bills i was supposed to be paying..and now they are late..still trying to figure out the loans stuff im supposed to be paying back and then all the fun reg bills..life is just a bunch of bills so ive decided once again..life is grand..but i was in walmart the other day and found crayons for 20cents and glue for 20 cents and got a new planner..maybe it will help me keep track of things better..i dont know if it will help or not..found out mommy is redoing the life insurance stuff on me..fun..i have to turn in the health insurance stuff..boo..and im losing track of everything right now so i guess im done

hate it

most of the time i dont really care about swimming at camp..id rather not be wet and have to be stuck blow drying my hair..but then some days i just really do want to go swimming and i cant anad it sucks..i have to plan for swimming because i have bathing suits but i dont let anyone else see them since i always swim fully dressedd..but its just a hassle and i hate all the stupid scars right now

sitcoms

wouldnt life be fun if it could be based off of sitcoms? any problem could be fixed in 30 mins...and hours if its really big..families somehow magically manage to be able to relate to each other no matter how big or stupid an issue may be..there is always some one there that magically has a answer to everything..when i was big into watching calliou all the time i thought about it then..that was like the perfect little cartoon family ..it still is but i dont have time to watch it as much anymore..but for all the shows i do watch that are sitcoms the old ones like boy meets world and step by step and family matters and a different world..everything has an answer..i wonder why things cant really be like that all the time ? and i guess if it was nothing would be as challenging or seem as important maybe..but maybe if it was like that then the world wouldnt be so screwed up..

im really really tired right now..like seriously all my energy has drained out of me..all the energy of being around the kdis are gone since they got to go home today..but this session was so much better than the last one..it was a good group and i was sorry to see them go in some ways..but glad in others..they were draining and i really didnt appreciate it being implied that since we had a good group then we didnt need the extra help when it was only 1 staff to 5 girls..and it happened a lot this session because of staffing issues and ppl quitting..so all the groups are understaffed and staff are pulled into different groups on a daily basis and it sucks because then there is someone how has a group of kids and they are the only one there...its not fair and without days off for days at a time its like we dont get a break...its easy to see why ppl in this field are so burnt out..there arent enough new ppl coming in and the old ones are used until there is nothing left...and yet i stay? why is it that i stay? and its funny when i say i live in my own little tali world but its partially true i guess..i dont do the things that would get me in ttrouble and i help where i can..i dont assume things will go as planned because thats just asking to be disappointed..yes i get stressed and tired and so very frustrated with the kids and with staff but its like..this is a job..what did i expect? this is a summer camp for now no less and its like ok umm have you ever seen an organized summer camp? when things go as planned then good but dont go in expecting everything to be perfect..your setting yourself up to be let down...i came back because i enjoy it..becasue it was listening to the kids say they have learned and grown in 3 weeks and want to come back..and it being told by parents that they appreiciate what we do and what we have to deal with..heck one set of parents asked if i would go home with them just to keep working with their daughter! i wasnt expecting that but its what i like..and then its the other staff ive grown used to and enjoy being around..i like that no one really cares i say its my birthday everyday and so they tell me happy birthday..no one cares if i wear the same clothes three days in a row because there is no time to change and no energy to bother..no one cares when its downtime and i pull out a coloring book or play with bubbles..only at camp can we have food/water/whipped cream fights and its an event for the day not something to get in trouble for..no one cares that i talked my group into washing my car and they volunteered for the job!!..only the ppl who work here can really understand the stories we talk about and the issues we have to deal with on a daily basis..no matter how small or stupid we have to deal with it...and then it was seeing some of my kids from last summer and seeing how much they have grown up..and become so much better at handling themselves..so i came back..and will again if i can..i like being here..i like the atmosphere and some how i manage to stay out of the politics of what goes on .. im not admin but im treated with the same status most of the time..and i know if i was offered a admin job i would have to say no..being in the office makes me crazy..the phones never stop ringing and i never volunteer to answer them..but i enjoy the kids regardless of being called some really bad things i still enjoy them in the end...

hmm all of that aside im glad for the couple days off..i need to recahrge..i need to be in the real world for a while..or pretend im in the real world at least..ive finally given in and agreed to go and see the new harry potter movie tomorrow morning..that will be the only treat for the time off..after that its laundry and more laundry and cleaning the apartment..ive slacked off big time with that and should be ashamed of myself for letting things get so messy..but its just i come and go with no real time to clean stuff up..i want to go and get a library card but im a little nervous about it..dont know why but i am...right now im just feeling really unfoucsed and trying to do to many things at once..

although ive finally gotten around to comprehending why it is i need to be held responsible for some thigns i do..with out someone there to check and make sure im doing it i wont do it..ill keep putting it off ..and putting it off..and agreeing to do it but still putting it off..its been 7 months and i have yet to do what i agreed to do before i left arran in dec!! before i graduated..and ive completely let it all slip on purpose yes but still...in school i was checked on heavily and now its just me and i dont really care it seems..i dont care enough

hmm

today is one of those overstimulating days and im getting a horrible headache and ive been single staffed for the better part of the last 4 days and i dont even get off again for another 4 days and im just ready to scream im so agitated and have absolutely no escape for now...im ready for the kids to go home.yes its been a great group overall but im ready for them to leave just so i can have a day off..an then its harder becasue a lot of the activities they are supposed to be doing gets cancelled and i cant do anything but try to keep them busy..and then they start bickering and arguing and having to call the dumbest issues ever on each other and so its just hard and tiring..i dont like it being implied that since i have the small group and they are good for the most part that it is perfectly ok to leave me with me group alone for days at a time beecause i can handle it..they seem to forget that being by myself means its just me and then and i cant get a break at all and i ahve to deal with all of there issues and everything..the other group we share the cabin with does help me out a lot because they have 3 ppl to our 2 ..so hopefully the next few days will pass without to many things going wrong and so that we can get them out of here safely...im just not feeling well and really overwhlemed right now...almost started crying this morning when one of the girls completely blew up over nothing and i told her i didnt want to talk to her anymore just to get away from her but then i had to deal with the rest of the group still..its just been a long long day i guess with no end in sight...hmm yesterday was the medieval fest and it was fun and all had somoe gross things thrown at me and got pulled out of the dining hall but i was completely pissed off that the sight group decided to start a food fight at the end of dinner and i was just standing in the doorway minding my own busniess and i get covered in mustard..that upst me and im guessing that outfit is completely ruined now..i cant even get time away to go and wash my clothes and it will stain horribly..im just getting a little tired of being ignored by the sight ppl..i prefer base and now i know why.its like we are on different planets now and if you didnt become friends during training then there is no time to even think about it now..we are kept to seperated and so the little rift that is always there between the two groups keeps growing..and now all the groups are horribly short staffed and ppl are just being pulled out of programs and put into other ones and then no one is happy and its harder to work with everyone..lots of work issues going on...so yea right now im just waiting for a break and thats about all..i just want some time to myself..

need to write

im starting to get really nervous about everything...a lot has to do with money and then it goes to work and then to life and then home and dusti and the list just seems to be busy right now...since the hike all ive done is pick at bug bites until i have most of them bleeding right now..its really hard because it did take until i was driving home tonight to even realize that ive traded posions once again..yea i havent been cutting but ive been picking bugbites all summer..im decorated in bandaids and i dont have any satisfaction at all until i make one bleed..and then of course everyone tells me not to scratch and its like ok..i tell the kids not to scratch and really mean it..it just really sucks becaause im not trying at all but i want them to try?! yea gotta love my logic at times...im tired and worried and just i dont know...money being my biggest worry right now..adn now i just kinda realize i shouldnt have done a lot of things and it sucks but everything is once again falling behind and its so stupid..and its my fault and i just cant figure out how to make any of it right no matter what..everything will bounce and then ill just have to spend even more money to fix it all..i think ill have to give in and move home in dec/jan..i just cant figure any other way out of things ..and it just really sucks..but i see no real way around it...home home home..just thinking about it makes me really want to cry or scream or run away..running away sounds good...run far far away and hide for forever..except then what would i do? cant run forever right? i dont want to be at home either but it looks like thats where im going..as much as i want to be by myself i just dont see it working out and being able to afford anything at the same time..where will i keep all of my stuff? what am i going to do with dusti? so many things are juts going back and forth in my head and i dont know how to deal with any of it..i keep seeing what little freedom ive gained going down the drain..and not coming back..ill be completely disconnected again..and the beck and call of everyone else once again..i have a killer headache and feeling really sick from binging as soon as i got home..i dont want to do what i really want to do...id really like to say i havent been cutting but scratching got a little of the same effect..i didnt stop i juts changed it again as i usally do..how much do i suck right this minute? its the same old thing and its like a lie i guess to even try and stop it..i dont have to asnwer to anyone right this minute so why dont i juts do exactly want i want to do without worrying about it? because im stupid and feel guilty over the smallest things..doesnt matter if it was my fault or not..if i was in on it and it is even remotely wrong then its supposed to be my fualt juts so i can come to terms with always being in trouble for reasons i dont think ill ever really understand..trouble is trouble is always attached to it...so why dont i just do what im expected to do and get it over with..but maybe

changing the subject

i dont think i have an entirely complete grip on the real world...how is it that suddenly i have ppl getting advice from me when i cant even remember most of what i do..why do things have to change..why cant i stay in my own little world and never come out..why is it that im so jealous over the most basic of human needs and hate myself so much for it..i dont need anyone at all ...but then i have yvonne who is a really great friend but i hurt her feelings because i wont talk to her..i think i hurt everyones feelings because i wont talk to them..but i dont know what to say and i hate talking about myself because im dull and boring and no one would want to hear anything i have to say..but then i have a lot of the ppl i wok with who take the time to say hi to me and ask how i am whether i give them a real answer or not..and i dont want that to go away either.. i try hard to be polite and nice but i think i fail miserably at it all the time ..and i think im just getting depressed again..

jumping subjects again

art was a lot of fun today..i colored a picture with a lepruchan in it and a pot of gold and it was full of colors..pretty ones..and i seriously talk to myself when im coloring..and then i made a wrinkled picture and got to paint overthe whole thing..and then i made a note box for the cabin and all the girls made their own and we can give them warm and fuzzies and it was a lot of fun..yvonne gave me a henna tattoo that really didnt show up well on my skin but it was still kinda cool having it on my hand for a while..and their is a kitten at camp..a little white fluffball named charlie and he is such a cute kitten and i really want him but i know i cant take him...dusti is still my favoritest pet ever and i would never just dump a kitten on her and leave for a week at a time..so no kitten for me

hmm why cant life just be simple and easy..guess it kinda just sucks for me that i cant remember when things were ever simple or easy

the hike is over

so im back from the hike and after a shower that took about 30 mins im starting to feel normal again!! woohoo for me...but overall this was the best hike we ahve ever done..we finished at 11:30 this morning and that was after making all the kids wake up at 5am and that was just painful in so many ways..i also no never to go without a sleeping bag again..its wasnt horrible but it would have been a little more comfortalbe...but im not one for sleeping outside and really being comforatable and its prolly good that i know that already..so it was so surprise when i woke up like 50times a night because i heard something or i was just freaking out and couldnt get to sleep..no bigi deal...but our girls rocked the hike big time..we did the whole 24 miles and on the 2st day even we did 5 miles in 3 and a half hours! talk about surprised! it was the coolest thing ever and oh so exhausting..each day we made it to our campsite by 5pm and that was even after having to stop for an hour in the lightening storm on the 3rd day...if we hadnt of stopped then we would have made it by 4 or before 4 but it was still really cool..that was the best we had done ever in the 5 times we have done the hike..maybe it really does get easier everytime...only saw one snake and a bunch of frogs and snails and slugs...the kids got to go swimming two nights in a row but i didnt since i didnt really pack a lot of extra clothes...we did have a campfire two nights though but had cold smores on the last night because of the rain and all the wet wood...but i had to hike in the fornt of the line the entire way and so maybe i dont really hold anyone up hiking at my pace..my pace got us done in plenty of time and i know i worked my butt off but its still just somewhere in my head that i could have worked harder..weird and stupid i know but oh well...right now im feeling ok..just tired and my feet really really hurt...there were no huge issues on our hike though..tons of bug bites and stuff but nothing major..some of the kids freaked during the lightening storm and i was scared to but its like ok do i calm them down or do i run for cover and worry about myself for a min..first one won out of course and so i calmed down the ones closet to me at the time in the front of the line and just talked to her and reassured her as much as i could that it was just a storm and it would have to stop at some time...i couldnt really say im afraid of sitting in the middle of a thunder and lightening storm too and i cant spare the energy to talk to someone else...but it was ok we all got through it in one piece but it really is major scary sitting outside with nothing but a raincoat on in pouring rain and really loud thunder and lightening with 7 kids and one other adult...funniest thing on the hike was the night me and the two CITS were trying to hang the bear bags..it was so funny and a lot of fun..like we were trying for a tree that was majorly to high and when we kept getting the wrong tree we tried for a different tree and then we started trying for a tree that was covered in branches and leaves that we couldnt get the water bottle to go through...and it was like projectile waterbottles flying through the air ! but we kept missing and it was still a lot of fun..like one of the CITs almost peed in her pants she was laughing so hard..and then the other counselor came and it was like ok the fun has to stop now...and its sucks a lot but that really is what it feels like..we were having plenty of fun just the three of us and then she comes and its not fun anymore..and she just kinda takes over...hmm i dont mind working with her at all but its like she changes when we are around the 'offical' ppl i guess and it sucks..because its like a control thing and suddenly im not really there anymore and she just tries to take over..so trying to figure it out...but there are only a couple weeks left in the session and then we are done and starting another session...lots has gone on in the work world and its like wow how much has i missed! ppl are quitting left and right and its like whats going on?

day off

as ive been laying here doing absolutely nothing and watching cartoons and law and order and then more cartoons and then watching pans labyrinth again and now im back to cartoons lol and inbetween all of that ive checked email fifty times and checked message boards and read and played on neopets and webkinz..yea its been a full day .. and im incredibly bored...i think ill try to take a nap before getting ready for work tonight and also i think im off again tonight because we are leaving for our hike tomorow and they try to give the staff the night off before the 4 day hikes..so hopefully i do..if not its not a huge deal but i hope so...i wouldnt mind getting one more night in a real bed..and i need to pack for the trip anyway..before going back to work i am going to look for a raincoat..im finally giving in and going to buy one if i can find one at walmart and its not expensive..if not then ill have to order one from sierra or campmor..i like those prices anyway ..im trying hard to plan for going to the movies when we are off next week..cas it will be after the new harry potter movie comes out and everyone really wants to see it! im trying to be patient!

i read the davinci code recently..finished it a few days ago and it was a really good book...it makes me really wonder about the ppl who spend their lives searching for things like that and how far ppl are willing to go to protect information and things..i havent seen the movie or anything yet but as usual the book of course will be much better then the movie...i was really disappointed in the blood and chocolate movie..i love the book and ive read it a bunch of times and i was so excited about hte movie and i saw it with henry while i was at home and it was just a huge disappointed..i cant even say it losely followed the book because it didnt! ugh but the way they changed was majorly cool..me and henry had our age old convo about whether vampires were better than werewolves and everything..he wants to be a werewolfish and i want to be a vampire minus the whole blood drinking thing..but anyhoo i really should like to buy that book..and i got a borders card so hopefully getting new books wont be such a huge deal..and ive learned that there is a build a bear in the mall thats alike around the corner..and i refused to go inside because i would have bought something and i cant...but it was really cool finding it and know i know its in the mall and ill have to be brave and take a trip to the mall by myself when i can to get one..

hmm nothing else interesting to talk about..i dont think

nothing to important

just nother day i guess..kinda feeling depressed kinda not..randomly dealing with wanting to cut or hide..feeling majorly tired and drained..im going to bed soon but im off and that is good at least..until tomorrow evening and then im back to work and on thursday we are actually leaving to go on our hike..not interested in going so soon but i have no real choice in the matter...i just want to get it over with more than anything..im ok working with the person im with now but i would have rather worked with anyone else..she is bossy and just rude to a lot of ppl she doesnt need to be rude to...normally when i go on my day off i worry about my costaff and this time i just dont care..and i dont know what it is about her that bothers me but i need to figure it out..yea ill be able to work it her and will but its not as much fun as it could be i guess..

so

im working with the girls for this session and im working with the one person i dont really feel like i know at all..yea ill work with her and be fair and everything but i would have preferred things turned out differently...i would have preferred staying with the boys..but oh well..just feeling tired and uninterested big time

upset

im completely mad at yvonne for right now and it really annoys me that she implies im mad and right after that asks if it is something she has done..for once can anyone just let me be mad without making me feel like i have to apoligize for it! its not fair that its allows the other way around and its never just about me for a little while..there always has to be some underlying reason that i am upset or bothered and it just cant be im having a bad day or something..does no one realize i have a life outside of camp and that im maybe not always compeltely happy..i may not show it at all but dont assume it ...and dont try to change it so that im suddenly worried that ive done something to upset you when its not about you in the slightest..i just dont like it at all..and yea i know yvonne has been having a hard time of things lately with her bf and stuff but dont start taking it out on me when ive done nothing but listen and be a friend and be helpful...im sorry if sometimes im not insterested in what is being said or im sidetracked and watching kids or doing other things i have to do and cant focus fully on anyone..im sorry ok..im sorry im dumb enough to actually think that what i feel or want is important and means something..because if im not helping someone else then i must not be doing my job right..but after the first few days does anyone bother to really ask how im doing anymore? all that matters is that im suddenly back and so the world must be right again..

ill stop whining now

once again..life continues

hmmm its been a long time..and yep a lot has happened and a lot of things have changed i guess...i made it through the funeral and i guess that is the most important thing..i missed a week or so of work and went home and it was really odd i guess seeing so many family members and just not being able to remember who they were..they remember me but i cant remember them..nia talked to me about something that happened and i just couldnt remember the person at all..nia remembered and i didnt ...it sucked...but all the random always crowded feeling sucked..there were always ppl around..always someone walking in and out of the house and i still cant do crowds..i stayed out of most of it thankfully but on the actual say of the funeral i had to be there..it was raining and sad and i wasnt worried about myself or anything i was fine..sad but fine...i was more worreid about mommy..i am still worried about mommy and that she is at home alone without anyone right now...mommy freaked at the funeral and wake..riley told me about the first time and i was there for the second one...ive never seen mommy like that and that worried me...i told henry to go be with her..all her sisters and brothers were there too but i think henry helping was good too..i couldnt do it..i didnt cry at all at the funeral and it was really weird seeing the dead body but now ive been to a funeral..and its not as scary as i thought it would be but id rather not have to ever go to another one..i dont know how it is that i am completely disillusioned about death..its like no one can die but i hear about it all the time on the news and in magazines and everything..but for some reason i just dont never apply it to me and my life..yes i knew granny was sick but i didnt think she would die..i thought she would be there for forever to argue with mommy and be annoying and demanding...but at the same time its like ok maybe i hsould have tried harder to get to know granny more...i saw her and did things for her but i didnt expect anything from her...i dont expect things from anyone..yes it was nice being at home for a little while but it was so hard..saw my godmother agin for the first time in over ten years..funny that she didnt recongize me nia or henry when we picked her up! she walked right past us lol...she told me everyday she loved me..it worried me that it is that easy to make the vulunerable part of me wake up and scream to be noticed..i hated that and i want to kill that part of myself for forever..but it made me think (after i got over the wanting to kill it and everything part of things) but how is it that i can halfway accept love of someone else or easily when i know them..am i really that starved for attention and love? im not a child i should be able to take care of myself..i cant but thats another story...dont know i guess

all of that aside im am back at work now and back at my apartment today...well our kids went home on thursday and im sorry to say im not sad at all..2 are coming back and i dont mind the two coming back but for most i wasnt sad to see them go...i came back and it was really nice having my kids running to say hi to me and tell me they missed me...it was nice having a lot of the staff saying hi and telling me i was missed and asking how everything was and how i was...and i am glad that i made it back before they left but that lasted all of maybe an hour before i was wishing i had stayed at home...once the two that caused trouble were mad at me again it was back to the usual i hate you..you hate me deal...they didnt listen and were just mad they couldnt get there way..and yea it still hurts and it sucks they are that clueless and stupid and full of themselves that they cant see what the point of being their is..it makes me feel like we did nothing the whole time we were together..but then during the closing ceremony all of us counselors got some good compliments from the kids..some were the usual your nice or funny and some were really well thoughtout and i was proud of my kids...but at the same time i found out that one of my kids wrote some really mean things about me...race wise really mean things about me..it was disappointing more than anything else..yea my feelings were hurt but im still trying to figure out what really happened and why and im not sure i will..it was like suddenly i had this kid apoligizing to me from something but he wouldnt tell me what...and i was like how can i accept your apoligy when i odnt know what happened..i asked clare and erica and they wouldnt tell me right then..but i found out anyway when i saw what it was and it hurt...its so stupid and i dont believe he was sorry at all..he was sorry he was caught that was all...i cant believe it...so our kids are gone and thats that...i hate to say i dont ever want to see some of them again but i dont..i dont want to be anywhere near them...

a few ppl came to my house last night and we got dinner and drank and partied and it was fun..but still i was glad when the louder ones decided to go home..and suddenly my fridge is full of alcohol ill never drink..and tons of junk food..but it was fun last night and im not sorry we did it at all...i spent the day with clare today and we hung out and went to the movies and shopping and the mall...ive lived here for over 6 months and today is the first time ive gone to the mall that is like 10 minutes from my house!i dont really like shopping by myself in the mall and ive never gone but there is a build a bear there so i learned!!!! i cant wait to tell yvonne that there is one here..i really want to make another one...and finally got to go and see pirates of the carribean 3 which rocked so much...and i had clare looking for webkinz with me :) and that was fun too...

it is back to work tomorrow afternoon and im ready to go back kinda but i hope this group works better as a group..not to mention i dont know who im working with or which cabin im going ot be in...so its just a bit weird right now i think...

hmmm on to other stuff...im not losing weight..ive gained a couple pounds..my fault really..i didnt care and went home and like completely had cake everyday..im being a pig and all the drinking alst night didnt help at all!! i want to start trying again..well more like pay attention to what im eating and exercising more ..my usual stuff i always swear to do but then stop doing after a couple days...but at some point ill find motivation i suppose and it will matter ..but for now im not sure i care...i stay in the same range give or take and its so stupid at times..but oh well...im actually thinking of joing a gym somewhere or moving my eliptical to the living room so i can use it and watch tv since thats what i do most of the at home anyway...just watch tv...and be online...

yep i still have a horribly incredibly life

freaking out

ive finally decided that im leaving at 5 tomorrow morning so that ill have plenty of time to make it home...but right now all i want to do is sit down and cry and not even really cry..more like sit down and cut but im half trying to keep a handle on that..not has hard as i could be but im trying..i gues it doesnt count if ive picked at all of my bug bites on my arms and legs to get them to bleed..same thing but a different way..so im just sitting here putting off everything i need to do and just getting more upset by the minute for not doing anything but still not doing anything..i dont know..i suddenly really dont want to go home at all..i found out i wont be babysitting at all because they are going out of town and im like are you serious that was my one way to get out of being at home..and i cant really afford to go but it has to be done and ill have to worry about bills and everything later..but still all of it is crowding in on me..i know ill go home and mommy will see all the new scars on my legs..i forgot about the new cut scars on my ankle.that stand out horribly..not to mention all the various bug bites covering my leg..or the fact that im going home and getting stuck and being around all these ppl i dont know or dont remember..i dont want to go to the funeral or do anything with it..i know ill get home and be expedcted to help out..nia is having health problems again and is in and out of the hospital for tests..henry is going back to school next week and i have to help him bring his stuff back..i dont know if im getting paid for my time off..i dont know ..i dont know how anything is going to work out and i hate that..sudddenly im back to just wanting to run away again..hide out and just disappear for a while..i dont want to have to deal with anything..i guess if i bothered to read back i could figure out the last time i was feeling so suicidal..and its the stupidest thing i guess..i hate how much money has to rule everything and no matter how hard i seem to try i cant do anything right it seems..i do everything im supposed to and its just not enough..nothing is ever enough..im such a baby who really cares whether or not im spending money to buy things i need or just using it all to pay bills and hope no one notices what im doing..gotta love how easy it is to completely rule out needing food..im horrible and thats about all..

empty

im feeling really empty right now...granny died last night and i was told about it today because i was stupid and didnt ahve my phone on me last night...its a good thing i was off today or else i would have left for my hike tomorrow and not known about it...i would have felt really guilty for not being at home when i was neeeded..no i dont want to go and when i finally talked to mommy about it she just told me what i needed to wear and that i better look decent..so ok fine whatever..i talked to arron and was given time off to be at home and i just have to come back when i can and its looking like ill miss the entire last part of this session at camp..im feeling guilty for missing the hike with my group when i know we have a hard group of kids..im worried about mommy and how she is not that she would even tell me..but ill worry i was worried this morning when i kept calling all her phones and she didnt pick up..henry told me..im just out of it right now..came back home after going and talking to aaron and just kinda shut down i guess and went to sleep...i hate just being here and waiting and doing nothing..i cant gohome until friday because i have to wait to get paid..and then i have to go and then i have to stay and help henry bring his stuff back...i refuse to ask mommy for money for the trip and im hoping that if im at home then maybe ill get to work a little bit for some extra money when im not needed by mommy to stay home...i already know ill be expected to clean and everything..i have to drive back to talisman tonight and get more stuff that i wasnt thinking about earlier and left..i dont want to see my kids at all right now..but i did let my coconselors know what was wrong and that i would be back..i dont know what to do with myself..im just waiting for now...

life update

...well i leave for the hike on wed and im really dreading it because of our kids..i worry if we will be able to do it in the four days with the kids we have...will they even be able to get along good enough TO hike for four days without crying or arguing..its just so annoying i guess...its hard being around then right now knowing how horrible they are are acting and it was bad enough yesterday that the manager and asst manager and director had to come to our group have have a talk about why it was inappropriate to talk about sex..it was really disappointing though and i cant believe that its a bunch of 9 and 10 year olds were talking about sex and the whole situation just really suckcs...we have the worst group on campus..and yep it just really bites...ive been called mean everyday since they got here..im the one that a couple just swears they hates me andi hate them..and its like fine call me what you like because i dont care but it still hurts..ended up crying a few days ago because it was beyond some of them just saying they hate me..they were positive they could get me in trouble with linda or aaron and i wanted to laugh at them it was so absurd but i couldnt believe them..and they are just positive im worried about getting in trouble and its like give me a break ive done nothing wrong at all..and its not my fault you dont like being told what to do and im not going anywhere...so i was crying and completely walked away from my group after telling clare i needed a break..and started crying and couldnt stop for a while..it was just build up of everything and it sucked..my feelings are hurt every day by some of the kids and then patched up by some of the kids..its so confusing i guess..quinn came and talked to me for a while and just kinda let me know my kids were brats and that im doing fine and etc etc..and then i left to take a break and she laid into my kids about how my feelings were hurt and that they shouldnt be saying those things..and im glad she did but it seems that no matter how much we talk ad talk and talk some of our kids just arent getting it..so yea the knowledge about how awful are group iis well kinda is common knowledge...one kids keeps running away and its somehow my fault so he says because im always picking on me..and he even got his say with aaron about me and i still wasnt in trouble...stupid kid..hmm maybe not stupid but just thoughtless...ive already told them i was here last summer and i was here inbetween to and i still have a job so i guess im doing something right...even mattt told me that you know linda and aaron would stick up for me in situations like this...im not worriedabout losing my job because ive done nothing wrong but its annoying thinkings i have to defend myself to a 9 year old...so work is just really a huge ball of stress right now and we really never get a break except on days off...and thats still only once a week...ugh but it hasnt gotten to the point of me questioning why im still here..but i talked it over yesterday with the same kids kinda nad its like why in the world do you think i would take a job were im around a bunch of kids that say they hate me when i can go home and be with the kids who really want me? its so simple but so incredibly hard to answer i guess..why is it that i stay here knowing i will get kids that say im horrible and they hate me when im not doing anything but my job? i know im not mean but i was told yesterday but one of the kids that im strict and thats a good thing..me strict ?! lol..fine i can handle being strict but im not mean to a bunch of kids who are only here for 3 freaking weeks..give me a break..and ive talked it over with the other two counselors i work with and they say im not mean and they do the same things i do but its me thats called out for being mean..so stupid...so rant aside what fun has been going on? we went rock climbing on sunday and i actually gave in and climbed again..and it was so hard but not as hard as the first time and i almost made it all the way to the top until i thought my legs would give out and i asked to be let back down lol..but i was a little bit proud of doing it of my own conviction i guess..and we went to the tower and i got to belay again which rocked...i cant wait for the rafting trip..bad kids or not that is still the best part of the whole summer and i get to go two more times! not to mention i get to work with the younger kids again next session..i asked for working with them specfically for one of the returning kids and ill have him...it will be hard but i cant wait! and after that i dont care which group i get..i dont hate my job or anything..whats a job without a challenge right? but im worrying about when i have to go home and if ill be able to stay here or if i should go ahead and go back to school now? i dont know..my rent is going up ...i have some bill issues i wasnt expecting and it just goes beyond sucking really...but mommy said she will have to start paying for the car payments and ill have to do the loan repayment and the other bills instead...i cant do all of it and i cant keep asking her to borrow so much money to pay my bills! i have a job and i still have to ask for money to pay bills ugh..its miserable and not much fun at all..but hopefully soon it will all even out and ill know what i need to do...so i cant decide what it is i have to do or should do..yes i want to go to grad school but i dont want to go home..i cant afford to live anywhere else...maybe i can talk to nia about getting a two bedroom apt..but i dont know about that either..yea it would work out if i had a car and we both had jobs ..and it would be half rent and stuff...and it would be easier and i would still have the freedom of being back but not at home home maybe? but i like my freedom too..i so no i still cant decide..but i guess ill have to figure out something soon..and for all of it i dont have to go back to school now anyway..im hoping for a raise in aug/sept...maybe if i dont stay with talisman for the semester i can stay in sc and just find a job here and make more money...i love talisman but i dont want to work for jon without some changes..just cant happen..i dont want to be stuck in a job where im not respected when i dont have to stay there..so maybe ill do that for a while and see what happens..but still ive given myself until dec and i will..and after that ill just have to see what i want to do..i may move apartments because of the rent going up with each renewal and that really bites!

so on to other non complaining stuff...no idea how long its been since ive cut or purged but ive been picking at my fingers and bug bites horribly..my arms and legs are a horrible mess of scars and bug bites that ive scratched and had to put bandaids on..sometimes i think i cant stop because i sit there and pick and pick and im not satisfied until they are bleeding ..and then i have the nerve to tell my kids to stop scratching or they will have to wear gloves..i tell them i had to wear gloves last summer and i did..still think a lot about purging though and i wanted to cut the night i was crying but talked instaed a little bit..but even all that aside im worried about yvonne alot..ive learned a lot about her in the past f ew weeks and its like for as much as im deathly quiet about my personal life she is the oppisite and is completely talkative about everything that is bothering her..a lot of ppl know about whats going on in her life maybe not all of it but enough to know whts bothering her..and i watch her and wonder why it is she has no problem sharing and i cant make myself say anything..but i know all of it already and im worried about how depressed and sad she is..she told me she wasnt suicidal but im still worried..for as unalike we are we are more alike than i would ever let on..and its more of we are alike in thoughts not behaviors i guess..because she talked to me about not wanting to be here anymore and feeling so sad and unwanted and its like shes saying what i think all the time..but thats the one big difference..shes saying it and im not..she will ask for help and i would rather die than let anyone know im having a hard time..and i dont know how to make it better because there is only so much i can do about her personal life..its not mine and i cant go in and make it better for her..or stop her from doing anything..so im just lost..i have to be ok to help her and thats that...so yea same old same old i guess

a bit overwhelmed

i dont know..im feeling a bit overwhelmed..really overwhelmed in some ways..im tired and have no energy right this minute and i just want to go to sleep really..but its not even 8 and we are rushing around trying to get things ready for the kids coming tomorrow..and im excited and nervous but really ready to get started..lots of cleaning and planning that had to get done...but ive been noticing that i dont do well when i have to mayn loud things going on at once near me..i knew i didnt really enjoy crwds but here when there are always like 5 different convos going on and games being played and laughing and everyhting going on at once and it makes me so nervous and agitated..and on edge..and some kids came today the teens did ..but after that its just i dont know everything feels really confused...i really want to throw up and it really annoyed me that i just figured out there is no privacy anywhere on this campus...kinda random i just figured that out today but its a pain in the butt..im used to being here with like max 10 other ppl not 70 and i got used to being able to go and get whatever i wanted whenever i wanted and know i have to ask and now im just to just counselor and i cant just walk into the office and grab keys to the nurses place and just go in..and it was surprising this morning when i was told i couldnt go into the nurses office without her being there..its like ok ive been here longer than a lot of you and whatever but fine ok im just a counselor and blah blah blah..not a big deal and i dont know why it bothered me so much but it did and it shouldnt have..i feel like im not pulling my weight and doing my fair share of stuff and it shouldnt be like that but it is ..i do tons..im all over the place and its like its not enough..like i have to prove i deserve to be here like everyone else...its stupid in a way and its not that i dont like being here i just dont know what im supposed to think..i get nervous easily and its not like i have tons of self confidence or self esteem or anything but being around so many ppl how just seem to pick things up really easy and i cant get the hang of stuff makes it hard...i can tell when my mood drops and i cant do anythingabout it..if someone asks whats wrong i say im fine..might be incredibly suicidal at that moment but it doesnt matter im fine..i dont know how to just give in and say i need a break or just to talk..i dont know how to just sit down and let someone know everything without worrying but its the worrying that stops me in the first place...its like always on the tip of my tongue to talk to someone but i dont know who i dont know how..for the little bit that yvonne pushes the more i refuse to tell her anything..i keep thinking one day ill tell her..one day ill finally let her figure it all out and leave it alone but i dont know if ill ever let that happen..maybe im not ment to be helped in whatever way it is that i need it..i dont know..i read the summary that was written on me after the hike since i was bad camper ..and its weird how easily im read sometimes...it was all completely appropriate and needed but i didnt know anyone noticed when i was withdrawing or being quiet and not talking or just needing to be noticed a bit more..i wasnt the loud one and i wasnt the most talkative but i was noticed just a bit...but still im feeling incredibvly misunderstood..i wonder how many ppl would keep making the purging comments if they knew i threw up after eating..given it was made as a joke and i didnt respond but it was enough to make me stop and think a bit..it had really been a good while since ive wanted to purge..mainly because the last time i did it i felt really really sick and gross and miserable for a night..and it just stopped again..maybe had something to do with being asked to stop but i stopped..and then the other night i went out for dinner and ice cream and first off the ice cream was to much sugar after the four day hike but really i just had a burger and fries and a huge ice cream cone and i felt so sick..really full and really sick and i said i was going to throw up and really ment it but i didnt..but i thought about it until after we got back to camp and was almost ready to cry because i couldnt figure out a release that wouldnt hurt..i didnt purge in the end..got sidetracked and talked to hollice for an hour and by then it was almost 1 in the morning and it was time to go to bed..but tonight i felt it again...for some reason today i was just really hungry and no matter what i ate it didnt help..there was dessert after dinner tonight and so i had dinner and whatnot and two pieces of chocolate cake and once again felt like throwing up..trying hard not to..still feel like throwing up and it sucks...i want to cut..i just want to do anything that hurts right this minute..so instead im trying hard to just be busy..i got my computer to hook into the wireless connection at camp and im writing here and half chatting..but its not really helping..i feel miserable..

hiking and other random stuff

so the staff hike is over now and ive completely another 23 mile hike and yes it was hard but not nearly as hard as last years..maybe becasue i knew more of what to expect and could still recognize parts of the trail and it wasnt all surprising and unexpected...but good grief i had forgotten how stressful and draining that hike is..physically and emotionally...almost cried once on the second day and then i was moved up to the front...yes im slow but then they all said i was able to set a great pace when i was in the front..and so i hiked the front most of yesterday and part of today and right now i just dont want to walk anywhere my legs are so so so sore and its a pain in the butt ...not mpving makes me feel so stiff and then i have to walk somewhere or get up and it hurts a lot ..so im hoping ill be feeling a bit less sore after a good nights sleep..for some reason i dont know why i cant sleep good outside but i really cant...i just get nervous or something and then i cant sleep and keep waking up...not for me at all i guess and maybe its just because i cant get comfortable..maybe i just need to wait until i have a better sleeping bag and everything but ill have to see..i got to play bad camper for like the whole hike at various times throughout each day and that was really fun but i was so still the fairly easy camper to get redirected..the others cursed up a storm and i did feel bad for the staff that had to deal with them and it did suck at times but they all handled it and got through it and we all finihsed the hike and i really was proud of everyone else but still wasnt proud of myself..everytime we had to do the proud, positive and learned thing i worked really hard to come up with group ones because it was easier and made more sense and i didnt see why it good at all to say i proud of myself when i wasnt..i hated that i still suck at hiking and its like yea i finished but i should have tried harder and worked more and its like ok you hiked 23 miles with everyone else and worked really hard and its still just not good enough at all and that really does suck in so many ways .. i can so be proud for someone else..anyone else and i cant be proud of myslf but i did the same thing as everyone else so what makes me so different? i should have done more..and i guess its not fair that im compeltely set in thinking that..no matter how much positive stuff i hear i will always have everything in my head to make sure i dont forget im a dork and stupid and all this other stuff...so yea it sucks...so besides having fun playing bad camper..it was the usual mindless hiking...on the second day i really wanted to just give up and quit and almost started crying for lack of anything else to do in the middle of the hike...the other days it just hurt horrible but i had to keep going..funny i was thinking today while hiking and listening to everyone checking on the ppl needing the extra encouragement and its like hmm slighty jealous..ok really jealous...and eventually i really did get around to thinking about why it was i was so jealous over something so simple..i really didnt have anything to do but think because i didnt want to talk ..i noticed i get really quiet when hiking and its because if i dont focus ill stop and yea i wouldnt to stop but i couldnt stop...but anyway hmm its like the ppl who got the extra encouragement just flat out asked for help..and no matter how much i hated hiking i didnt complain and i kept saying i was fine..i needed the extra encouragement and hated that i couldnt ask for it and everyone else just made it seem so easy..i suck..i really really do..i dont get how it is that some ppl can be so open about there lives and problems and just talk and talk and talk and get advice and feedback and everything and i cant...i want to sometimes but i cant..its miserable and no matter how many times i try to talk myself into asking for help i cant..like i was with tim while he was talking to yvonne about you know getting support and everythign and im sitting there listening but focused on something else and he got around to saying that you should be able to get support at talisman because you know your working there and you were hired because they wanted you..nothing to do with me but its just i wonder what it takes to be fired..i dont want to be fired but i cant get around thinking i would be..ive been told to many times that i will be fired for cutting..and you can look at my arms and legs and still see new scars..its cant really be lied away if i just sit there and say ive stopped when i know i havent..its not fair to them to do that...honesty works good for a lot of things and by not telling them im lying arent i? i guard my secrets as much as i can and when i have to share i really cant....so yea thats what i thought this morning during hiking..

other stuff doing the hike..given it was another 23 mile hike..even though i did it 3 times last summer its still a killer hike..but 23 miles is 23 miles and even with all that the whole thing in general was fairly fun..i watched some of the staff go skinny dipping and it was just holy cow look away..and i did..i worked really hard to look in the other direction! and of course one of the other staff not in the waterfall took there clothes and threw them on another rock and so they all had to get out of the water naked and i was standing by some of the clothes and tim asked me to hand him his and i wouldnt..just to be difficult :) and he said he would get down and give me a hug and i should have believed him and half did and i took off down the rock and he chased me until i had to stop and he gave me a hug and he was naked lol and they got a picture..and then they tried to go skinnydipping off the rope swing and there was like a church group with little kids camped right by the lake and itw as like umm nope no skinnydipping now..we stayed up late talking and friendly picking on each other..we played never have i ever one night in the middle of the parking lot near one of our campsites..and we looked at stars and had a belly drum circle...i saw another shooting star and that was cool..i slept with tim again lol..and stayed on my own blue thing this time! didnt see any bears but so almost walked over a snake! and heather almost dropped her pack on a copperhead..lots of snakes this trip! and i saw one in the water :) we stopped at various waterfalls and got to play in the water some with clothes on..and getting to soak my feet in freezing cold water when i didnt want to hike anymore really did help a lot...so it was cool..and i do like the two other girls i found out im working with..so im excited about the kids coming..im actually going to be with the younger boys and that i like a lot..im slightly worried because i do know some of the kids that are coming back but i know we will be fine..and i really do love working with arron and matt..they are so cool although i am sad im not working with yvonne..but there two more sessions and those havent been picked yet..so it will be fine and fun and another great summer and thats about all