hmmm

whether i want to or not we are going hiking tomorrow for the staff 4 day hike..im kinda looking forward to it kinda not..hiking is hiking and i suck at it..but then i still finish it suffer or not and after its all said and done how will i feel then? will it change anything at all except that i can say i finished another 24 mile hike .. will it give me anymore confidence in myself or who i am? i was talking yesterday about why i even came back to talisman when it wasnt the population i wanted to work with..and its because of the staff..becuase of the admin ...i had a talk with my program managers today and they said that they want to see me in more of a leadership role..and that they were really glad i had come back and that i was going to work in base again..they told me that they had seen a lot in my last summe rand that they hoped this summer i would keep growing and work on moving up in my strengths..it was interesting to say the least..i never see this stuff and i never believe it..but still i have ppl telling me every single day that they love me and they appreciate my help and all this positive stuff..and maybe one day it really will get through..dont know..highlight of my day today ..i got to play bad camper again!!! i packed my backpack wrong and they had to check and make sure i had everything i needed..well everything i needed was a fire extingusher, a roll of toliet paper, jenga blocks, a bible, bunches of stuffed animals, markers, candy, shoes that werent mine, pillow and a tennis racket..and i fit it all in and swore up and down i was ready to go hiking..and the counselors working with me actually did a good job getting me to realize that i needed to repack and couldnt take all of that because it wasnt a good idea..it was great..i talked about it all day and then when i got a backpack and walked into the office and just said i needed stuff to pack that was wrong ..and everyone just started handing me the most off the wall stuff possible.but it was a lot of fun..and during the hike ill be on meds and have to take them at teh weirdest times i could possibly think of..me and matt are on meds and the 3 of us are bad campers for the trip..so lots to look forward to but the hiking still worries me..i know i dont eat enough a lot of the time but when im hiking i really really dont eat..and i dont like a lot of the trail food and some things i just refuse to eat ..like summer sausage..its beyond gross..but i know ill have trouble if i dont eat but i cant bring myself to eat mcuh either...i already know im dehydrated and i know it will just get worse over the next four days while hiking..i think ill bring three water bottles on the hike because i know ill dehydrate and be miserable and thirsty all the time...its like yea i know what im going into but i dont know how to make it ok and deal with it...so i just go and keep telling myself im fine and that it iwll be ok...and i know ill get to the end but it will be long and hard...maybe ill be ok at the end..sore and tired and cranky but ok ! i found out i lost like 7 pounds in a week...dont know how or why but i did..i know it could be water and what not from not drinking enough water and whatnot but still im losing weight..and eating without throwing up..go me i guess...but now that im conciously thinking about it i know im not doing so well..but i also know that hiking for 5 days and not eating means ill drop weight really kinda fast...so ill see how it goes..im trying hard not to weigh myself now but i will in the morning...and then again when we get back from the hike...just to see..and even then ill be going on two more hikes after this..you know i learned today that you can burn up to 900cals from hiking for a couple hours..not like a walk in the woods but real hiking like we are doing..i never knew that?! i never bothered to learn or care really how many you used up hiking but its good to know i guess..and now ill obsess heavily about it but its good to know...

yesterday was yesterday was really hard...i knew when i saw it on the schedule that i should skip that talk on suicide and eating disorders ..i knew and everytime i looked at it the more i wanted to go and hear it..and i did and i couldnt make myself walk out in the middle of and i really wanted too..i really needed to get up and walk ouot and i didnt..i stayed and suffered and got so anxious and antsy and felt miserable...here i am sitting there and listening to all the signs of suicide and he touched on cutting a little bit but it was mostly catching suicide ideations before it gets into planning stages..so im just zoning out horribly thinking about a million different things..and no matter how sad i was suddenly feeling and no matter how many ppl i watched get up and walk out only to be followed by staff so they could talk if they needed too and i wouldnt move..i listened but didnt listen at the same time..and i hated it the whole time i was there because yea i can recount in detail what it is to be suicidal but then they would all know..and what then?? i would lose my job..and then what.. i would be lost and hurt and i dont know...and i hate not knowing..so i keep my secerts and keep my sufferings to myself..and it sucks all the more..because lately all i want to do is talk and i cant...i havent been really writing in my other journal to much but im going to have to ..ill take it on the hike with me...

tired

thats about all..trying hard to wake up and join the world of the living but still im sooo tired..came home and cleaned a little, watched tv, read, etc ..and then just went to sleep for a couple hours ..and now im up and not sure what to do lol...i want a milkshake and thats like all im focused on right now..i get to start playing the bad camper with the new staff starting tomorrow and i cant wait for that...its so much more fun when i already know what to expect and get to push them to the limits of patience and they still wont really belive us..but oh well.they will figure it out when the kids get here..

nothing

ive been really stupid lately...really having a hard time of everythign and i stay fairly busy but its not enough i guess..given office work is boring as heck and i try to go in and out of the office when i can..but linda has caught on to when im fishing for a way to be let out of paperwork duties and wont agree to what im asking to do...but its ok since i know she is glad im willing to do it and i do a good job with it..and its fun being in the office with everyone im comfortable with..but i am getting more comfortable talking with the new ppl..still in my own little world but im getting better...its so weird being there and not fitting completely into either group..like im not new but im not admin but i have admin privledges..i know how the camp works, i know where stuff is and how to get it or find it, i know some of the returning campers and i have tons of stories..not that anyone would believe them lol.its true that you cant understand talisman stories if you dont work there or have worked there...so anyway back to what i started off with ... hmmm really just out of it the past couple days..sad but not really .. yesterday was a crying day but i held that off and ended up cutting instead .. and one thing led to another and i have no promised to work harder at not cutting...no idea why i even gave in and agreed to it but i did and so ill try ..if nothing else i will try everything i can think of to stop .. .

and so the summer starts

i have been stuck in the office for the past week doing staff and kids paperwork..and given ive gotten good at it i really dont like doing it..its sooooooooo boring and time consuming and linda just wont let me even talk her into letting me out of the office..but at the same time i have them all telling me thanks like a million times a day and telling me how wonderful i am and how much they appreciate what im doing and they know it sucks big time but im sitcking it out..and to make it much better i have made it so i can stay in the office for a couple days next week...its not that im being antisocial and refusing to socialize with all the new ppl..i just dont like being around all the new ppl because i get to antsy and then i dont talk anyway and im not even trying at all to really meet anyone because im way to scared and worried about how everyone sees me ..and its not like im new and dont know what im doing but i dont count as admin either..im just somewhere in the middle and i do all the admin stuff without being admin lol...i know how to get into everything and its weird being trusted so much and still only being a counselor..but i wouldnt want to be admin either because i hate being stuck in the office all day answering phones and talking to upset parents..i dont answer the phones now and id rather that didnt change..so anyway..tons of new ppl around and good grief we have a young group this year..i feel out of place kinda but at the same time its like i know what im geting into and i feel really bad for the ppl who dont know why they are here ... being told we are working with kids who just try your patience was putting it really quite nicely ... and its like oh no they dont ..they will push every button you never even knew you had...but then its like ok the stories i have to tell them they wouldnt believe at all..no one would really think kids would go as far as they can really go..but anyway the summer is really getting started now and its going to be busy..we have more sessions and more kids and just lots of constant activity! ... and im a spazz and being way quieter than usual .. but on a good note yvonne is here now and i think it is going to be fun this summer too...its cool that she is here and everyone likes her..and we have talked a lot about what to expect and she heard all of my summer stories when i got back last summer..and saw all the pictures and she still came ..so i guess it will work out...shes dealing with a lot of stuff though..so hopefully it will be a good summer for her too...dusti is fine and of course controlling the apartment..completely weird that i left snikkers at home and was completely upset about it when i figured it out last night..because i had packed her and then took her out to show yvonne and forgot to put her back and it wasnt cool that i forgot her...and ok this is going to stop making much sense right about now...i forgot all of my books and my notebook and my coloring books and the usual stuff i need to keep busy when im nervous..so stupid of me and i cant believe i forgot everything..well i can because i was throwing stuff into a bag at 8 in the morning after driving all night the night before and it was really hard trying to make sure i had what i needed and still forgot most of it..not really supposed to be home tonight but am ..and spending the night even..but leaving early enough to be back in plenty of time tomorrow..trying really hard to just eat and be ok for now..not binge eat either but reg eating and not stress..and of course that means no throwing up..and no cutting and no anything..just be ok and let it go..kinda sucks being back to wearing my wrist band to hide the new scars on my wrist ..sucks to be me..im nervous about my arms a lot now..all my scars and i try really hard to not let it show but its there...no one asks but i wonder who notices...the night before i went to get yvonne i was a mess to put it nicely..freaking out about everything and nothing at the same time..felt way to much alone, invisible, mad, sad, everything that i was thinking and couldnt make go away killed me...and then i felt so guilty for being a dork and freaking without really understanding why..and no way of figuring out how to help myself...finally gave in and chatted with someone for a while until i was to tired to think of anything else..and that took most of the night and i was up past 1 in the morning again..sleep eludes me these days...i cant figure anything out at all..but im still me and as much as i hate admitting it i cant seem to change much at all..i am pulling stuff out for camp that i need to take and i found the stuff jenny sent me and her letter and her cd..i found my pictures and the cards from my teacher..i found all of it and it made me want to cry because i dont know how to be ok with who i am but there are other ppl who can see what i cant and it sucks ..jenny told me i need to be nicer to myself or else.. i ahve someone constantly telling me that they will help but i have to let them know when i need it..i dont know how to ask for help..and when i finally gave in the other night i was beyond suicidal ...i was beyond anything i guess and its hard pulling myself back from all of that..going to work is a distraction but still there is free time to stop and think and wonder what in the world im doing and why..and still cant figure out a way to make it better..i was fine or i thought i was and it sucks that it still really takes almost nothing to push me back into no mans land of nothingness...pathetic i guess...why do i have to be so mixed up...lately im back to feeling like a horrible person because i cant bring myself to tell anyone the truth about anything..i dont know what linda would do but im almost positive i wouldnt lose my job..she would give me choices though..i wonder what all of the office ppl would do ..would it matter or would things change ? would they all ask me constantly if im ok or would i even tell all of them..i really think its only fair linda knows because anything can happen and i know that..i try hard not to cut or purge while working but i have done it..and i wouldnt want anything to happen and have someone else be blamed for something ive done and didnt bother cluing anyone else in on...im worried horrribly about it and im not sure ill ever even go through with it but i think its only fair...i feel horrible because it seems like i dont trust yvonne and i do but i dont know..i cant explain why or even how its all supposed to work out but i want to tell her...i want to and i cant..i always stop myself..i always find a way to get out of talking about it..i showed yvonne one of my paintings tonight and asked what she thought of it and good grief it read into it well..too well and then i refused to explain the picture at all .i didnt think it would be read so easily when i cant even explain it..but not being able to ecxplain it isnt the same thing as not knowing what its about..i dont know how it came to be like that or why but i have it and i cant do anything with it because it scares me..who knew i would be able to actually paint how it really is and that asomeone else could read it so easily..its sucks and i feel really stupid for doing that..im horrible..but no one seems to be able to see it but me...as much as i want to tell yvonne everything im not sure i can..i dont know if ill ever be able to do it...i hate that it seems like i dont trust her but when i was talking about it earlier today that all it comes down too..trust is a very touchy subject and its like ok she trusts me to tell me all this stuff and i cant tell her anything..yep im horrible

back to work

i cant believe jon...i really really cant...how he can let jim take the blame for somehting that was my fault and just say that he isnt going to be working there next semester..it sucks and its not fair and i just cant believe he would be that low..as in all of this could have been brought up before i left town and they didnt do it..i was in the office that morning before i left wasting time and no one said anything to me about any of it..and then once im gone i get a call from jim telling me what happened and its like you have got to be kidding me..i was there and no one said anything at all and once im gone suddenly jim is in trouble for everything...its not fair how politics can rule people and how money is really all that matters in the end..they would let the one kid come back because its more money and i refuse to work with him now...more so im more resolved than ever for next semester to be my last one...i love the program but im not thrilled with its management..maybe next semester will be different and things will run smoothly..i dont know but ill see...maybe ill get a nice enough raise to stick it out for longer i dont know..i feel kinda bad though leaving a job after only a year and its not because i was fired or anything...maybe ill even come back after i finish grad school because i can go to a different state and still work within aspen if i wanted...i could come back to the same program but i dont think i would do that with a masters...i dont really know what i want to do but ill have to figure it out by dec...because then ill have to start making choices about what if im moving and where ill be going...it sucks knowing i wont be working with jim though..it sucks knowing they could let him go so easily and he was by far the strongest..he loves this and hes good at it and jon is going to be childish and say he cant work with him ..after what jon did to us im not thrilled about working for him either..but still i said i would be there for the fall and i will..after that its all up in the air..hmm all the major work stuff aside..im going to get yvonne on wed im almost positive...and i told jim we are going back to key west in dec and he was perfectly ok about it!! which rocks..he said he is considering going down there after the summer and i told him to go ahead and do that so if i came to visit i would have a place to stay..and i completely meant that..even if he doesnt im considering the park we were at that i liked so much..camping out is a lot cheaper than a hotel and we dont need anything but a tent lol..im not picky..so ill have to start working on that right after the summer is over..figuring out dates and everything..and who is going..i asked yvonne and she said she would think about it ..who else would i want to go to keywest with to party for a week before christmas...i would so love to be there for new years but thats would be major crowded and im still antsy around to many ppl at once...hmm so lots to do..i know have a couple things im saving up for...1) trip to key west 2) money to buy my butterfly thingy from key west....the second one will take much longer to save up for since it was like 400 bucks and i have like 0 but ill get it eventually...i dont think ive ever wanted something so much before..but i stood in that store and stared at it for as long as i could get away with and was completely heartbroken when i found out how much it was but good grief i want it all the same...and im once again wanting to go to bed but im not tired...i cant go to sleep at 4 in the morning again..i dont know whats making me so nervous but im getting anxious again..i can feel it in my shlouders all the time today...i dont get how it just comes and goes but its painful ..i was good today..no purging..but i do really need to start getting stuff together for camp and packing up clothes and my sleeping bag and all that good stuff...i finally emailed a couple of my teachers with questions about grad school and unfourtunately ill have to take the GRE or the MAT ugh..which means ill have to study and hope i dont fail it!! which ever i decide to try for...which also means ill be doing the most stupidest thing of my life and going home in dec...i really cant see no way around it and i dont know how ill manage at all..i dont even want to think about it..4 days made me more suicidal than ive been in a long time and its just been downhill ever since..the more i think about it the more worried i am..the more i think about just dropping everything and applying now for grad school the more i know i cant do it..hello logic to my head going back to school now would just be asking to fail every thing..not because i couldnt do the work but because i couldnt handle doing the work...it took all of my energy to get through my bsw in one piece and that was with therapy..im not entirely sure my teachers would be thrilled to find out ive stopped therapy once again..and i know its a stupid excuse saying no one made me go but that was a huge part of it for a while...i do enjoy not having to answer to anyone about what ive been doing to myself but i just know if the people who already know really knew then they would be incredibly disappointed and upset because im not doing what i should be to keep myself safer...and that does stop me sometimes but not all the time..and im a prol at talking myself into something if i want it enough! but i have to talk myself out of going back to key west right this minute..funny jim told me tonight that he was pretty sure i wouldnt be forgotten with the ppl i meant in key west..and i hope hes right in the worst way but at the same time i wonder how it is i loved being there and the attention ..even being pushed on stage ..ok forcibly helped on stage with jim standing right behind me so i wouldnt back out to put money down someones dress...drunk or not i enjoyed it oh i was beyond drunk most nights but whatever and then i get back here and its like ok back to my usual behaviors..weird...hmm beth hart is my newest favorite singer ..she is right up there with tori amos and tracy chapman now..its really random that i find a cd i can listen to completely and like every song there is on it..but with the leave the light on cd i love all the songs..i can relate to all of them a bit more than i like and maybe thats why i like them so much..i try hard not to push my music on other ppl but for now that cd is staying in my car and to bad if you dont like it...im missing one of her cds from like 96 that i really want to get and i really want to Sia cd...Breathe Me is another of my current favorite songs because it makes sense to me..yvonne told me im one of the few ppl who still actually listens to the words in songs ... and i do ...ok i guess im off to figure out to force myself into going to sleep..its going to be a miserable day tomorrow if i cant sleep tonight..i only got 5 hours last night.. and ill need more than that if i expect to be in the office all day tomorrow...hmm yep back to the real world

hmm

yep i think ive lost my mind...i cant sleep and im up and so im cleaning ... yea ive completely lost my mind

i cant sleep...i have way to many things in my head ..constantly jumping from one thing to another and im just up and thinking about how much i want to go to keywest again..im planning on going back and i cant go back without jim! i just dont think i can completely get off the keyswest thing until i go back and see if its as much fun the second time around..its one of the few things ive decided i just have to do! no way around it...i just dont understand why i have gotten so attached to a place ive only been once and i was working half the time i was there! i cant explain it at all i just know i have to go back

-nothing

i dont feel like i have any energy at all riight now..i just want to sleep for forever and never have to worry about anything else ..today has been miserable in some ways and utterly boring in others...i have the idea back in my head about how stupid and worthless i am and to make it go away i went back to throwing up..its beyond hurting right now..maybe with time it will all stop hurting..its the only thing that makes my head be quiet for a little while..dusti completely kept sleeping in my bed last night..and i move all over the place and she kept moving out of my range and then coming back..but i took something last night to help me sleep and stay sleep..finished my harry potter book for like the 5th time..started the other new one i have..but it prolly wont take long to get through that one and then ill have to find some other way to entertain myself during the day..yvonne asked if i would drive to raliegh and pick her up since her car messed up and she cant bring it ..i told her i could if she gave me gas money...i dont mind doing it but im not thrilled to be in the car for yet another million hours on the road...ill ahave to look up directions and everyhting but it will be fun driving back with company even though im horrible with small talk and everything..but yvonne already knows that too..but then i cant blast my incredibly depressing music either..that sucks ..i do try somethings to change my music if someone else is in the car with me..but right now i dont car and its like ok its my car and i can listen to whatever i want too..but then i feel mean for doing that..but sometimes i just kinda really need my cds to keep me sidetracked and if anyone bothered to really listen to the words in half of my songs they would wonder about my sanity anyway...i have an interesting taste in music i suppose and it really doesnt bother me but i htink sometimes it can get to other ppl...same way my movie selection is off the wall and i think i really have some of everything.. i watched gia the other day and its waynes movie but i have it now and it was shocking..i had been wanting to see it only because angelina was in it but good grief drugs, sex and the ugly world of modeling..im so naive at times its sickening..

home again

and im back home once again..well just my apartment but still if it has all of my junk then its home..hmm not counting dusti since she keeps an eye on everything while im not here and im hardly ever here! but anyhoo im back for a few days before work starts for the summer and then ill be back and forth again for the rest of the summer..getting away for a while was nice and i think ill have to visit charleston again at some point..they have an imax there and its been a while since ive ben to see an imax movie not really counting the one i saw with the kids..that was more of keeping track of all of them and making sure they were behaving and what not..but this time it was really cool and we saw spiderman 3..i think the 3rd movie is my favorite! now im waiting for the new movies and back to worrying about bills and everything..somehow they are always here waiting when i get back..bills are stupid..im feeling rather childish right this minute..hmm oh i have two new webkinz that i searched for with janet for like a week before we found any..so i have ended up with a polar bear i finally named snowball and a dog i named lilbit..there so cute and ive adopted them and its fun playing on the site with them..keeps me busy at least..and i got some new books and went to a million different stores and walked around downtown charleston and saw tons of shops and it rocked that there was a coldstone there!...the bridge was pretty cool too i liked the design but i think i prefer tunnels to bridges..so ive figured out lol..they are both kinda weird though..hmm i think ill go and fix a late breakfast or something..i want pancakes for some reason..

webkinz and stuff

i now have a webkinz..a monkey named snikkers thanks to riley spelling it wrong! when i came over yesterday harris and riley both showed me all of the webkinz that they have and they are really cute little stuffed animals..they each have 5 i think or riley has 5 and harris has 4..but there mom came back yesterday from being out of town and she brought them little monkey ones yesterday and i saw them a little before i ran out to the grocery store..but when i got back riley and harris came running out and gave me one of the monkey ones..it completely rocked and they were so excited and thrilled that i had one and insisted on setting up all the online stuff for me which riley would not rest about until i gave him all the information to sign me up for it...and he did hence why snikkers is spelled the way it is ..but its a really cute site and the webkinz really are hard to find and its like 10 or more dollars a toy and you can only get into the website if you have one of the toys because they each come with codes..you get the adoption papers and everything online after you sign up and you have to take care of your new pet and everything..its rather fun and ive been needing a new place to play online anyway..so now snikkers has the front seat in the car like my other bear did when i got him...im not sure yet if im going to keep her in my car but for now she is just going everywhere im going ...but shes cute

right now im supposed to be finishing summaries for work and getting them in..i hate doing them and there such a pain to get done but it has to be finished and emailed intoday and so i have to get it done and then i dont care...ill be done and ill get paid and that will be the end of it..and good grief something really did tell me not to mention to mommy that i needed sneakers or that i was even going out of town.now she keeps buying me new clothes that i dont need or ok i just dont need them and i have new sneakers and new flip flops and still she keeps buying stuff..i say i dont need it and she says i do..i could make a whole new wardrobe on the new stuff i have and i wont have anywhere to put it when i get back..my closet is already stuffed full of clothes and i keep getting more! i ahve clothes all over the place and i keep getting more! funny how veryone is quite ok with me moving back here for a while..i told riley and harris well kinda asked if they wanted me to come back and they were both thrilled at the idea ..but then i had harris and riley begging me to spend the night and i didnt and harris was once again close to crying to get me to stay and so i promised to stay until they went to bed and i did ..i told them i would come back today and i will later if they call..dee asked me not to come back until after they finished there homework because well they wont do it if im here and i know that so its fine..besides i hate helping them with there homework..so if they call ill come back..if not its no big deal and ill see them tomorrow ..although im sure riley will call tonight since i promised to let him show me all around the webkinz site..kinda weird being here and back with them and there feelings for me havent changed at all..i would bet money that if i had spent the night harris would have ended up in my bed before morning as usual..he was watching tv in my lap and riley had me for video games ..when they first got home harris wouldnt rest until i promised he would have my undivided attention for half an hour after he told me it wasnt fair riley had me for longer than him..when riley had only been home for like 10mins before harris came in..but from the semester to this is like a complete turn around..i was getting used to being told i was horrible and mean and a jerk for doing my job ..ive eeven gotten better at not taking it personally but it still kinda sucked alot ..and now im here and these two would rather i never left again! no idea how this happened...ok so maybe being here almost everyday for a good 5 or so years had something to do with it..hmm ok i have to finish my work and then im going home..

-

breathe me - sia ...ive decided i want this cd

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere else to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

yea im pretty sure ive lost my mind

im at home currently and the weather is miserable of course and like clockwork the great topics of discussion is my arms and my scars and gaining weight..its so funny and stupid and depressing all at the same time..yell at me if you like but can i please get some variety...its always the same old stuff and i know all the great conversations and i would to be dumb enough to ever sit down and make some poor innocent kid listen to a bunch of bs for an hour..so whatever..same argument same result..yea i still suck blah blah blah...but anyway im stuck here until saturday or sunday but thats no big deal i guess...but back to the thing that made me wonder if im crazy or not ... for some reason ive been really worried about going to grad school soon..well not like next semester but within the next year or year and a half...and with that thought of course came well i need to save if i do that because i already have a butt load of loans i have to pay back rather soon and im just sick of watching paychecks become nothing faster than i can get paid and i dont even do anything for the most part! it sucks ..so i want my masters and even though i know im not ready for grad school at all i wonder how much therapy it would take before i am..but then i thought about moving home for a few months and working in wilmington..i have refused whole hearted to ever move to wilmington and live..i refused to ever go back home and live long term because it just sucks to much and it would just be one argument after another...but then being as logical and sensible as i can moving home is the only way ill be able to s ave money and work without having to pay rent or bills minus car stuff..and i hate that..i hate that im even considering it..but i am..if i want to go back to ecu i will need a new apartment and that will mean extra money to get everything turned on and ugh more bills but then there are also loans and student aid that will kick back in with that...and i still hate that it makes so much sense...and i even mentioned getting another cat and that both of them would be in the house if i moved back and mommy was just like ok..im used to dusti and as long as the litter box is cleaned then ok..she also mentioned me and nia getting an apartment together if we went back to college at the same time because her school is less than an hour away from ecu...crud i hate being so smart sometimes...the whole thing really worries me right now and i know it will be a miserable few months just because i cant seem to be around mommy and keep my temper and im sorry but im sick of being told i have to go to work and help her do her job..i depise cleaning someone elses house...i dont even like cleaning at home but i can do it..darn me for ever picking up that one..hmm not that there was much of a choice in that part of things but whatever..i hate being told since im here then i have to go and taek nia to work and pick her up and run errands and then get yelled at about gas money and needing so much of it and ugh..so given i finish losing my mind and agree to move home it would be around christmas/new year that it would happen...

blah

so many different things going through my head..how can there be so many things to worry about in one day..there should be a law that says you arent allowed to worry about more than one thing at a time in any given hour sad.gif im driving myself up the wall worrying about so many different things..worrying endlessly about things i just dont know how to fix or why i should fix..i dont get anything and after you know the thrid conversation about money and lack there of i dont know what im supposed to be doing..given i should have realized im only getting one check this month because well we only worked for a week and then ill be starting again in a couple weeks but i wasnt thinking and i just let myself belive what i wanted to and didnt worry more when i should of and then i have mommy yelling at me and telling me not to spend anything extra nad not to go out or do any of the 'fun' stuff i usally waste money on ..well bloddy heck if i did anything but buy gas or food then i would stop but i havent done anything but watch billls eat upp my checks until the last trip and then we had our fun out of town and that was it.. and now im stuck going home and spending my time off working my butt off babysitting to make extra money to once again pay for bills...i had just gotten around to being comfortable with the idea of going back to therapy and it only took 4 or 5 months and i had been planning on figuring out all of that in the time i had off but i cant because im going home..and then going somewhere else and then going back to work and theres no time with the summer schedule...being off once a week just doesnt cut it for doing anything in the real world and now im stuck again and stuck waiting until there is more time to go back and i dont want to go but its becoming a pain in the butt having my head just fill up with so many thoughts and dreams and everything and not having anyone to talk to about it..writing helps but it only goes so far and im still to scared about telling anyone i work with about the cutting/purging/depression whatever..i show up to work happy or sad..hurting or not so it shouldnt matter what it takes to get me there..so whatever..ive waited this long whats the point of rushing now...ill wait and maybe ill finish signing up for health insurance and see what is covered under that therapy wise..maybe ill actually be able to save up enough to afford therapy...blah.. stupid stuff as usual

hmm im tired..im ready to go to bed and ive only finished one of my summaries and i have one and a half to go since i told jim i would start on one of his if he did all the dailies..so i have to do that but im worn out completely right now..havent even done anything and i feel like ive been moving for forever..and i havent done much of anything but binge the heck out of my days...hmm not writing here anymore tonight..majorly sidetracked and thinking of a million other things...

society sucks and youtube is not the coolest place anymore..ugh there are videos about everything and of course im dumb enough to watch all the ones that just end up making me nervous ..blah

im not in a good mood at all right now..and havent been for a while today..havent been feeling good at all today and i cant seem to get rid of the headache ive had since earlier..i wanted to take a nap and couldnt because mommy had me doing stuff..im annoyed that the pay dates and changing and it sucks that i cant do anything about it and i was counting on the money i was getting and yea im still getting it i guess but its all weird now..so yesterday i just magically have a check for like a week of work that i wasnt expecting but now i have to wait a whole two weeks before im even paid again..mommy is telling me i need to come home next week to bring some of henrys stuff..but i told her ill be out of town on the 13th i think and so i cant stay and she is juts dead set on me going there to do what she wants me to do but still trying ot make sure im back in time to leave to go somewhere else..i asked about babysitting and she said no because it would be to much traveling...im covered in bug bites im scratched into submission and so yea my legs and arms are looking a bit worse for wear right now and i know mommy will be so so mad at me..its to hot for long sleeve shirts and im trying to be ok with all of it and im not...really hating myself right now i guess..watched talk shows and its like how stupid is it to teach kids to hate and be racist and all this stuff..it was shocking and it was weird watching the parents who swear up and down they dont know where there kids are picking up these ideas and thoughts from..some were just general sterotypes that ive heard all over the place..some were just holy cow did that just come from a 9 yr old?! i dont get it..the world sucks...everything sucks..im disappointed jim isnt coming over the watch tv with me...stupid i guess...no need to look forward to things right...i give up im just going to bed

keywest...trip...and lots of other stuff..lots!

Wow there is really so much to talk about and I have no idea where in the world to start anymore… we are back from the last trip of the semester and it rocked so much..i had so much fun and kinda became introduced into a whole nother world I really didn’t take much notice of…but I also want to write because I don’t want to forget anything that happened…im so worried ill just wake up one day and wont be able to remember any of it…so I guess ill start off with the basics of the trip..the trip was actually pretty good overall..there were blowups as usual and one of the boys was caught trying to sneak into the girls bathroom and he is just in a lot of trouble lately because of his obsession…he isnt taking the help we are offering him and instead he is just falling farther into heading to jail because of it and its hard watching him because I know how hard it is to be forced into agreeing to give up something and in a way that is what we are doing with him..we are offering help but the message is still the same..you need to stop, you need to ask for help..i had a talk with him one night about how the decision has to be his and he cant just say what we want to hear and that being forced does nothing to help the real problem…he blew me off as usual but I told him..so anyway we started off in the everglades and it was really cool driving through the first time..its like a huge swamp and holy cow it is hot in fla right now..in the 80s everyday and sunny without a cloud in the sky…we camped out as usual and went hiking to look for flamingos..it was a long and drawn out hike in a way but it was really only about 5 miles and we got to hike through like 6 inches of water for a good part of the trail..when we first started it was just like ok stay in the grass and don’t walk in the water but then we got to a part where you had no choice but to walk right down the middle of the trail and that meant walking through the water and oh my gosh it was so gross lol..me still being the person who tries hard to not get completely dirty had some issues with hiking through water that high and of course im freaked because we are in the everglades and I had no idea what might be in the water sleeping/living/hiding…but I did it and after a while it wasn’t so bad anymore ..it was more fun than not because I was stomping through the water and it actually felt fairly good because the water was cool and it was so hot..then we run into the mud that’s not really mud and its so slippery ..i slipped and slide down the trail for a couple miles but it felt like forever..my shoes just did not that part at all and I was going so very slow because I was afraid of falling down and I ended up in the back with andy and we were going slow and falling behind more a lot and when we got to the end of the trail it was like we walked right into the sucking mud and andy doesn’t even weigh 90 pds shes so small but not eating disorder small shes just small..and she just walked right into the middle of it and I was following her but a bit slower and she just went down and couldn’t get back out..i was closer to the edge and was getting stuck but not as bad as she was..she fell and then I fell and almost lost my shoe to trying to pull my legs out of the muck and of course we are both screaming for jim to come back and help..i fished andys shoe out of the mud and when jim and the others came they of course laughed and took pictures of andys little problem! Given it was incredibly funny and we were all so dirty by then! But of course we saw no flamingos  and I really wanted to see one close up! But we did see a baby rattlesnake..almost walked on it..we saw tons of different types of birds and lizards, and we saw a turtle on the trail…and it was rather cool…we stayed in the everglades for a couple days and then left to go to the keys..oh my gosh I want to go back to the keys so so so much..i keep thinking about everything that happened and I know without being and working here I never would have even considered going to the keys for a vacation at all..it was so pretty out there..water and water and beaches and bridges…its like seeing different shades of blue in every direction because of the water…at my favorite campsite we camped on the beach literally we were on the beach..it was walk around the gate behind the campsite and there is the water!! It was the prettiest place I have ever been in my life..waking up and just stepping out of the tent and seeing the sun rising over the water is breathtaking..the water sparkles and it was so pretty and relaxing…I missed that place once we left to go to a different campsite…being away from the beach made me feel incredibly claustraphobic for the end of the trip..i just kept wanting to see water and I couldn’t anymore..jon completely spoiled us with the beach site..i could have stayed there for the full two weeks with no complaints at all and we couldn’t…but at the beach campsite I was first introduced to key west..talk about naïve on my part! Holy cow my age really came through and it was funny kinda be cause yes im old enough to drink and really that is what you do in key west but we went barhopping all afternoon the first day we were there…happy hour is until like 8 at night and its always happy hour somewhere..the people we met were so nice and always asked where we were from and why we were in key west.. and it was always funny watching the expressions when we are like oh this is a work trip but we are off today lol! So the first afternoon in key west jim took me to the gay community center ..we found it accidentally but they had internet so I couldn’t complain and I was on my best behavior :P I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary for me and paid attention to what jim was asking since we were asking for a good place to have lunch..and when we left jim told me I had done a good job controlling myself while they were talking about the food..and I was trying hard not to make faces at the menus we were shown…suddenly on this trip my food issues become more known than ever before…jim told me I could have worked his program over the summer if I didn’t have so many food problems..and for him my problems is just I wont eat a lot of stuff and nothing about not eating or throwing up..but suddenly I was just pushed into im sorry I don’t know why im so afraid of trying things Im positive I don’t like ..but I wouldn’t be a good role model at all when we will get kids who are like me and wont eat a lot of stuff..i don’t need to be in that program doing that when we are trying to teach the kids to try new things…and it hurts knowing that once again my food problems is getting the way and as much as I hate admitting it I have too…but anyway …we found happy hour and just drank and drank and drank..and like 5 margaritas later im drunk and we have found anna and she starts drinking too and so the three of us are just sitting in the bar talking and laughing and drinking..the bill is huge but it was cool..we left there and walked around a little but and ended up in another bar and drank some more…that day I did lose count of what I had but I wasn’t sick..anna got sick and passed out in my car…but me and jim went back to the bars and I was seriously holding on to keep from falling over! While anna was still functioning we counted steps to get to dunkin donuts like seriously walking down the street counting steps out loud! We ended up in an outside garden type bar and drank and met some people ..gay guys since we were in the gay bar…I met my first drag queen that night ..she was getting dressed and I was walking by her and just barely got that she was a drag queen but I said hi and walked on ..later that night I went to one drag show and then we walked around and I went to another one and saw the same drag queen again..by now im like beyond drunk and it was like hey I know you I saw you earlier and she said hi to me and that she recongized me…and we went home at some point after the show was over….the next day off we went back to key west again and ended up in the same bars again except this time I was actually looking for the same drag queen I met yesterday and it was early in the afternoon and of course we started drinking again..stupid happy hours! But we ended up back in the same bars again and just talking and wandering around ..we saw some of the same people and talked with them at the bar for a while..and we even had the same bartender again at the poolside bar and he of course remembered us..seriously sometimes it does look like jim and me are a couple or something and good grief we can get some looks when we are out together! But anyway the bartender remembered us and started feeding me ice like every chance he got! Thanks to jim forever asking for cups of ice for me the day before because I refused to drink water I would only eat the ice …and I have no idea the names of many drinks and so I kept asking him to just make me something blue which he did without to many problems…jim was getting hit on big time by some guy and I was there but not there at the same time because I was the girl in the gay bar and not that it mattered much but I wasn’t even bothered by it that much because I didn’t assume I would be hit on at all…and given I did kiss a couple guys they were gay..ive never been called cute so many times in my life! The drag queens got into the habit of calling me honey and grabbing my boobs but that comes later, even some of the gay men I met called me honey in the bar and asking if I was ok because one night I swear I was going to fall asleep in the chair….so anyway im drunk again and the bartender completely pours ice down my shirt twice and I poured ice down his pants…jim jumped into the pool completely naked and then him and another guy pushed me into the pool completely dressed and I walked around the bar dripping wet for the rest of the night…and before we left that night we ran into the drag queens from the other night and jim of course mentioned I wanted pictures with them and I did but I would have never asked! Instead I begged him to find them for me  so they took pictures with me and ivana (the coolest name ever lol) who was quickly becoming my favorite completely grabbed my boobs before I even realized she had and of course jim got a picture…after that we left and they were all saying that the drag queen had so gotten to second base with me and I was shocked but it was still fun…ok next two times off in key west it was just me and jim …drinking and hanging out in bars and shopping and walking around looking at things…but we eventually ended up in the same bars with the same crowds…everyday I think I was drunk before 5 and then the rest of the night just flew by…the drag queens were started to recognize me…I went to the drag shows and the guy hitting on jim showed up a couple new bars and kept telling me jim was hot and cute and it was like ewww gross …but I kept going to the drag shows and I was completely captivated to put it simply..i couldn’t figure it out and then of course jealously set in for how unfair it was that guys could dress up as girls and be so freaking hot and have great bodies….but whatever I kept going to just watch and listen to the songs…jim kept an eye on me but still went off and did his own thing too when he wanted too..he said stay put and I stayed put lol..im so childish drunk and seriously work on simple commands like stop or no…I did it big time with yvonne the few times I was drunk at home with her…so I found out through jim that there was a part of the gay bars that girls were not allowed in and he said he was on the bar naked serving drinks and stuff…I would never have guessed and being there would have embarrased me horribly but jim really did work hard to protect me from the big deal stuff…he wouldn’t leave me without knowing I was ok..the night he stayed in town with someone he met he introduced me to him and we talked and had drinks and jim asked a million times if I was ok and that he wouldn’t leave me to go home if I wasn’t…I wasn’t great and still a bit drunk but I told him I was ok and that he could stay and I meant that at least because I would have felt so so guilty if jim had come back to the campsite with me when he was offered a place to stay with the guy he had met…so I made it home and it was such a long drive and oh so boring! But before I left I was just sitting in the bar and watching the bartender and they kept asking if I was ok and some of the bartenders asked if he knew me and I couldn’t place his face at all..come to find out it was the drag queen I was so in love with..am in love with…but he gave me a free drink and of course by then I was ordering long island ice teas after I remembered they were almost completely alcohol! By then I was sick to death of margaritas and learning some new drinks…I actually tried a yager bomb..it’s a shot..vodka and redbull…kinda sweet but drinkable…and that night jim made it a point to start pushing me on stage to give tips to the drag queens and with giving tips you have to go on stage and stick it in there clothes..i didn’t resist much but I did some and it was just like holy cow im putting money in a drag queens bra!! And I did it at least 5 times before the night was over..inbetween shows jim told one of the drag queens me name and that it was my first time here and that I was a virgin and I freaked and ran around the bar and the drag queen chased me around the bar until I gave in and went up on stage to take pictures ..after that night more than the other nights the other drag queens started talking to me out of drag…I learned what all of them looked like and they all knew me..and I was sitting in the bar after the second show just waiting for jim I sucked up the courage to ask my fav drag queen to wear her wig and she let me! It was long and curly and brown and I was so proud of myself for asking and completely loved the wig and hung out in the bar for a while waiting for jim…downstairs in the other part of the bar I was drinking water trying hard to sober up before going home and one of the other drag queens asked about the wig and we traded wigs for a while .. and gosh the one she wore was incredibly heavy! But it was still cool..welp after that a while later jim showed up and he was with another guy and we ended up going back to the guys house…I slept on the couch and loved getting to watch tv..he had a cat and I just fell asleep..i was tucked in by jims date and he told me I was cute and that jim was a really good friend because he said jim had told him again and again that he couldn’t leave me..so they came back and got me even though jim was drunk out of his mind he remembered me..he remembered to come and get me …the house was really nice and the guy was really nice also..he was sweet and completely undemanding towards me…the next day we were still in key west and I was feeling completely sick from drinking so much the night before..jim made me eat food and once again I ordered a meal I couldn’t finish..jim ate most of my food again..he has been doing that a lot lately …so we hung out in key west for the last night of our trip…drinking once again and shopping…lots of drinking…that night I had every intention of getting drunk as quick as possible and I was..i was almost sick drunk…but I handled it for a while..eventually I got around to making myself throw up alcohol and stopped drinking but I was so drunk by 10 it was kinda useless..throwing up helped but it was really gross…so I went to another drag show and before it started we took pictures downstairs and jim got more pictures of drag queens grabbing my boobs…and kissing my cheeks and forehead…it still shocked me but it was more than that too because the drag queen I liked would come off the stage during the shows and somehow she zeroed in on me and grabbed my boobs more often than I could count! And I was starting to like it..maybe be cause I wasn’t so scared anymore maybe I was just to drunk to care but either way I didn’t want it to stop..of course after that I was confused because it was a drag queen that was touching me but she was still a guy underneath..gay but still a guy and I was worried because maybe I was liking it more than I should have..i still think about all of and miss it so so much..but anyway back to the other stuff…hmm I knocked over tables that night..i wasn’t even drinking anymore..still drunk but not horribly anymore and I completely fell it was so embarrasing and the bartender and one of the drag queens that knew me came over and helped me..i said sorry so many times and the bartender knew I wasn’t drinking! It was such a weird minute when I fell..they told me later that night that the carpet is really easy to trip over and its just weird because I have no idea how it happened..but I was fine and not hurt or anything at all..so after that I stayed put in a chair until the end of the show and I was ok…after the show I asked ivana for another one of her wigs and she said she would see me downstairs…I left to go and get something to eat because I really was drinking on an practically empty stomach…so I went and ate leftovers and somehow missed jim coming to look for me..so I went back to the bar and just kinda watched people coming and going and its after midnight and I just kinda find ivana again and practically stare at her without saying anything..after I had been there for a good while I started playing the computer games with some of the drag queens and a couple other random people and it was fun and kept me busy because I was still waiting for jim and didn’t know he had already come looking for me…and by now I had mardi gras type beads ..tons of them and everyone kept asking what I had done to get so many..and I know that for the beads you have to like flash people and whatnot to get them..but I didn’t and one of the drag queens had just given them all to me! but and then I was just hanging around trying to get sober and actually half drinking water and minding my own business and this lady asks about my beads and we start talking..i find out that she just got married like 4 days ago and she was from Colorado and I met her husband too and I told them about why we were there and holy cow they were like embarrassing but in a good way because they kept saying what I good and nice person I am for working with the kids and how I was beautiful and had good karma and that they were so happy to meet me and they just kept going on and on and on and I tried really hard to just say thanks and everything without adding anything to it. And then I was talking to her husband about being in the gay bars and it being my first time and meeting the drag queens and we actually had a pretty good convo..he asked how I was handling it and why it didn’t bother me..and I just told him I would hate to be judged for things I did so it would be pretty stupid to turn around and judge someone else for something they like doing …besides they are comfortable why should I be bothered?! So we talked for a bit and they met a couple of the drag queens before they left and its like oh 3 in the morning or so and jim reappears and he told me he had fallen asleep in a different bar because he had been looking for me and couldn’t find me…and we were just sitting in the bar talking and I asked if he was ready to go and he said whenever I was and I was just sitting there completely staring at ivana once again and wanting her wig or one of them..and I thought about it f or a good while and I went and hugged her and told her we were leaving the next day and wouldn’t be back for a few months…and I little while after that I just turned back around and asked if I could have one of her wigs…seriously I was thinking she would just say no and leave it at that but she thought about it and then got up and told me to come with her..she took me into the bathroom and just pulled off both of her wigs and started fixing one of them and im standing there awestruck out of my mind watching her…and she just comes over and starts putting one on me and shes telling me that she does appreciate that ive been there like almost everynight and was nice and that she knew it was my first time ..and I was just thrilled and completely happy ..and not even bothered that she has me in the bathroom in a bar and is just fixing my hair…she tells me to stay put and goes and gets porsche to come and fix my bangs …and they both tell me it looks really nice on me and im hanging out of the door telling jim to come here and see..of course now jim loves telling everyone I was in the bathroom with two drag queens! ..and when they are done im walking around the bar and ivana is showing me how to handle the hair and im constantly looking in the mirror..and I make three bucks which she put down my shirt dancing and whatnot around the bar…when I can finally control myself again she asks when we are coming back and I say she wont even remember me if I did and she tells me that she will if I wear the wig..she gave me her email and myspace stuff and told me to keep in touch and that she wanted a postcard from me..and thinking about all of it now makes me really sad…hmm we didn’t get home until like 6 ish and we were heading home that day..i just took a shower and tried not to stop moving because I would fall asleep…on the drive that day I was so hungover but still a bit drunk too because I wasn’t able to sleep it off considering I was up all night..it was still in my system and then me being the bright one I am wasn’t eating because I didn’t feel good and that made it worse..and the whole day when I wasn’t trying to sleep or trying to not throw up I missed key west…it hurt missing them all so much..all I wanted to do was go back and keep hanging out and maybe not drink so much…it was like a weeks worth of partying while we were there…and I wanted it back so much..i wanted to stay but I couldn’t live there..the hurricanes would scare me to much..all the water and no really safe place to go would drive me up the wall and I wouldn’t be able to handle it at all..but I considered it..i wanted to stay and it was miserable missing them so much…I kept thinking how weird it was that someone I barely knew could get stuck in my head and refuse to get out..even now almost 5 days later I still miss her..i miss all of them..i miss being able to spend my day doing nothing but drinking and talking…people I don’t know who just liked me and let me do things ive never ever done before…and then theres jim who still takes care of me even when he is drunk out of his head…once again how do I end up having people who will take c are of me now and not as a kid…how come it has to be now when I have such a hard time accepting it and swearing up and down I don’t deserve it…my favorite quote I saw while in keywest –if your drinking to forget, please pay in advance- I thought it was fitting in a huge way and I really thought I was the only one who would drink to forget…but if I saw that in a bar then im not the only one…but I did..i drank until I stopped thinking about everything that made me worry..i drank until I stopped caring what I did or what would happen..and one day I really really wanted to get drunk and couldn’t get past the just happy feeling for a while and it upset me..i was ready to cry because I couldn’t get the completely gone feeling I wanted and I just kept drinking and drinking and I knew what I was doing and I knew what I was trying to get and I don’t understand why it made me so mad when I couldn’t have it…given I have made up for months of not drinking, not partying and not going out in 5 days….and im not upset about it at all because it was too much fun and I remember all of it for now…I don’t forget or pass out when I drink but it also doesn’t take much to get me drunk…4ish margaritas and im done..if we had stopped after that many I prolly would have just stayed tipsy but like 7 or 8 drinks later I can barely walk down the street and even then I was holding on to jim or anna to keep from falling over the first day…id say long island ice teas are my favorite drink considering they are just flat out alcohol and I keep forgetting that…oh and I called yvonne and nia bunches of times while drunk..but I always call yvonne when im drunk for some reason..and I just called nia to talk about nothing and I called taly who I havent talked to in forever…no idea why I like making calls drunk…it did suck that we didn’t get to see sheena or tim or rachel while we were near miami and we didn’t get to go because plans just kept having to change…so next time we will have to plan it in advance so we really can go….jumping subjects a bit…I worked the day we took the kids on the glass bottom boat tour and I was so excited..i looked forward to it for the whole trip..i really wanted to see the fish and coral and we went out to the ocean and stopped above a coral reef and I thought I would be fine..i didn’t think or even consider that I would get seasick…but once the boat started moving I started to feel sick..when we sped up I felt worse…and when he were stopping and the boat just kept going up and down and up and down I thought I was going to throw up…I stayed outside for almost the entire trip and missed the whole thing because I was standing outside holding on to the railing for my life because I was afraid of falling off or being sick in the middle of the ocean…ive never been so miserable and all I wanted was for the trip to be over and done with and it took forever…I never ever ever want to do that again..i don’t want to be on a boat at all I don’t want to look at boats..i didn’t know that once your seasick you will always get seasick ..its been a couple years since we took the last cruise and I was sick..and now I don’t think I can be on a moving boat without getting/feeling sick  but overall I think the kids had a really good time..they went on a canoe trip and snorkeling and fishing and swimming bunches of times in the ocean..they even went to keywest a couple times and they saw jim, anna, and me once when we were completely drunk but we behaved when we were around then although everything was a lot funnier than normal…I think we were very good about keeping the time in key west separate from work minus the hungover days lol..i showed up when I was supposed to and so did jim except once and that was a huge mix up..but we showed up…hmm the other thing ive somehow decided in the past few days while we were gone is that its time for me to go back to therapy..if nothing else its because im confused about everything lately…being with all the drag queens and liking them so much threw me and now im more confused because if it counts that they were girls then im a lesbian and if it doesn’t then I don’t know because the guys were gay and therefore not interested in me…prolly why I was so comfortable with them….the night I played with the bartender and kept stealing his ice because I was standing right where he was making all the drink orders and he would make cups of ice and leave to do something else and so I kept taking the cups and hiding them..he would come back and look at me like ok where did they go…but he went with it and let me play and keep the cups…I was the notorious ice eater they all knew it and I hated that jim knew enough to make sure that even if I kept drinking I would get around to eating the cups of ice he kept asking for…it was so annoying though when he tried to stop me from drinking and told the bartenders I only wanted ice..given I really did want the ice but I didn’t want it to be a huge deal or anything…ok back to the other thing though…I did take my journal one of them anyway on the trip and I think I did a fairly decent job writing in it and keeping track of our adventures…but that doesn’t really help anymore…if I don’t talk I think my head will explode…writing gives me a break but im not figuring out anything ..and on the trip I had my razors but didn’t use them even though I wanted to..i wanted to throw up food on more than one occasion but didn’t…I wasn’t eating and then drinking on an empty stomach…I did make myself throw up alcohol but that was because I was really close to being sick anyway and I just helped it a bit…but it was on purpose all the same…and I have a million bug bites that I have scratched and scratched until my arms and legs are covered in new scars…im going home next week and im covered in scars..mommy is going to be pissed..mommy wont leave me alone about it and ill just turn around and keep scratching…my arms look horrible..more horrible than usual and im worried ill be in trouble…so much for being an adult right…I told jim mommy was going to kill me for my arms and now when he sees me scratching he tells me to stop and that im going home…more often that not I have at least 4 or more bleeding at anytime during the day…nervous picking again…I scratch now because I know most of them are scars and scratching makes them bleed…but im not cutting…it wouldn’t take a genius to figure out that I have a goal with scratching…im not scared anymore about therapy..i almost want to go but im not I want to talk about cutting at all or purging for that matter..oh and one of the days we were in key west I wore a shirt..i love the shirt and I love how its made but the cut is all wrong for my scars…it pulls up on the arms and its not like the sleeves are long anyway but given enough time they go up enough so that my scars are visible…I was with jim that day and I was constantly pulling at my sleeves but he never said anything about them..he didn’t ask I would almost believe he didn’t except that would be stupid because I know he did..he was just nice enough to not ask how I got them…no one has asked how I got the ones on my longer arm..my wrist is still a bit scarred and its been seen but still no one asks..its like I can believe they aren’t there…im safe but that’s stupid to think that because I know they are noticed but no one asks..no one ever asks  so anyway it was a great trip..and I cant wait until we go back! Things are really back to usual at camp..the kids are back to the same old usual behviors and being brats ..we had a cake/whipped cream fight one night and it was so much fun..they got me good and it was all jims fault but I really don’t mind being dirty at the oddest times…im a good sport and its not a big deal lol..even adam had fun and kept stealing the whipped cream off of me and putting it back on me in a new spot..i got him a couple times with handprints of whipped cream on his face..i will miss him..i will miss some of them when they go home..i will miss all of them…it was really hard yesterday missing graham so much…I was looking at old pictures of him and even with all of his faults graham was a lot of fun…when he was ok he was fun..ill never forget the day it was just me, hiim and jim and we went to dinner and to the store..and how we played video games at the laundrymat and went to the pet store and played with the animals…it was such a fun day..and I hope that he is doing well in his other program I really do..i want him to come back but not until he can handle it..i cant handle him like he was again..its to stressful and tiring..still I do miss him..the group is a lot different without him..all the random fun is gone..all the loudness and annoying stuff has lessened but now they are almost I don’t know just different. Oh well I think ive rambled enough!

tired

im not really a law and order person at all but i watched an episode tonigth and its was disturbing ...yep i know children are bought and sold everyday, they are kidnapped and forced to come to the great and wonderful us of a for a better life that they are promised and doesnt come true..i dont know for whatever promises of a better life people get caught up in way to many fall through the cracks and end up getting really hurt..i think it is really stupid that the gov says they are working so hard to make things better overseas but then they forget that there are still a million things that need to be worked on and made better here..makes them seem like hypocrites..nope i dont get it..

hmm finally got packing done for the most part..taking my car makes it so much easier to take way to much stuff...we are going camping and i have enough clothes for like 3 people and i still dont think i have enough for everything..i have way to much stuff but oh well most of it will prolly just stay in the car and at least i know nothing will get soaked if it rains..not to mention im walking around with one foot with blue toenails and one with purple..i was bored today and decided to paint my nails..cleaned up some..mostly just played the sims though..i need a new game for my gamecube..hmm ive decided im going to save for a ps2 it will only take forever and a day but oh well ..tired and kinda nervous about the trip..hoping it goes well

iinteresting

Your Life Path Number is 6

Your purpose in life is to help others You are very compassionate, and you offer comfort to those around you. It pains you to see other people hurting, and you do all in your power to help them. You take on responsibility, and don't mind personal sacrifice. You are the ultimate giver. In love, you offer warmth and protection to your partner. You often give too much of yourself, and you rarely put your own needs first. Emotions tend to rule your decisions too much, especially when it comes to love. And while taking care of people is great, make sure to give them room to grow on their own.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

feeling better

im feeling better about things today..more so in the past few hours..i didnt sleep well last night and just kept tossing and turning all night and dusti wasnt helping anything at all by wanting to play most of the night...this morning was just weird and i was awake and up but not really focusing on anything at all..finally went back to sleep and didnt get back up again until almost 4 in the afternoon..and then i felt better..its been kind of a gray day..it was raining this morning and now its storming a bit and making me nervous so i decided to just write and watch tv until i was a little more tired...watched tv and played the sims a little bit this evening..packed some for fla and even cleaned up my room which i havent done since i was unpacking and clothes were seriously all over the place..i can see the floor in the closet again and my bed is actually completely made..and neatly too! i almost thought i had forgotten how to make up my bed lol..i had been putting it off for forever it seems and since i have to pack and i didnt want to watch the movie i was watching i guessed it would be a great time to get it done..dusti kept me company ..nothing really planned for tomorrow except laundry and more packing and possibly running to the store but nothing to thrilling..and then its off to work for almost 3 full weeks before ill see dusti again..ill say two and a half though since i might be able to come back on sunday but maybe not so ill have to make sure she is fine before i leave on friday..and im worried but i know she will be ok..

it only took most of the day to kinda figure out what it is about all of what has gone on that bothers me the most..its just i feel like a failure for not being able to help him at all..no matter how many times i talked to him and told him exactly what was going on..we put up with everything he managed to pull and still let him back in the group and gave him more rules and guidelines and none of it worked.and now his only option is to go home where he cant be handled either and wont last long at all because he is always more than ready to blame something on his parents..he has said that his parents dont listen to him and he would rather be with us but he doesnt listen to us either..and i just dont know what else we could have done but there had to have been something..and even typing that bothers me because i alrady know he was given every chance possible and then some..it sucks..and i cant seem to stop feeling miserable..

miserable day... rant for once

yesterday sucked more than any other day ive had at work..we had three kids run away..they pretty much had a mutiny against staff and i guess thats putting it the nice way..they did everything possible to just drive us up the day and if nothing else they made sure and vented every feeling some of them had yesterday and it just turned into a them against us kinda thing..it wasnt fair at all and it was just tiring having almost all of them just throw everything we have done for them back at us and they dont care..they dont want to be here and they are just doing everything to make it miserable for everyone else and its not fair at all..three walked off yesterday before dinner..one came back within an hour on his own but the other two didnt turn up until almost 2 this morning..the cops were there..they were getting ready to do search parties to search in the woods behind the camp and then the kids were there and it was just im glad your ok but good god i just really want to yell at you both right now..so i spent the morning ignoring them completely..i had nothing at all to say to them because yes they knew better and they only did it to try and make a point as we were told a million times during theday yesterday..they are being completely ungrateful..we are gettaing ready to take them on a two week trip to fla..and they dont want to go, they dont care..they think we put to many restrictions on them when they cant even do the little stuff we ask on a daily basis!! and they say they have to many restrictions..what the heck..if they would listen and stop hearing just what they want to them maaybe it wouldnt be so bad but they tune us out and then when they cant do something its entirely our fault like we are out to get them or something..they say they dont have enough time to themselves when they dont use the time we give them! they choose to stay with the group, they dont ask to go on walk or to go off by themselves and its like dont bring it up now when you have never asked for it..dont try and us it against us when you know its a lie and isnt going to help you in anyway at all right now..it annoyed me so much that they just cant see what it is we are trying to do and they dont care, they dont want it and it does feel like we are wasting our time to make things better for them and all they can se is the negatives that care put in place more often than not because of there behaviors..its not on us atall but we are still the bad guys..i dont get it....i hate that jon can cancel school and dump the kids on us when these are the kids that need routine..the counselors cant take days off so why should they get days off..they have the weekends and they get to leave at 5 during the week but we are there 24 hours a day..there is no relief if anything happened and one of us had to leave because then someone from the other side would have to come and take over and its not fair to them...but school can get cancelled and the kids routine is screwed up and we have to deal with the aftermath ...all the major blowups have happened when they have had an unplanned day from school..and its not fair to us either when we need the time they are in school to get other things done..and then everyone is just on edge and fed up with being around the group all day without any real plans...how is it fair that its the counselors that have to deal with all the stupid little petty issues they can come up with, we have to deal with all the yelling and screaming and cursing and fights, we are called really bad things and still have to show up and deal with them because we dont get the option to just not do it..yes we only have to work 3 or 4 days at a time but it takes less than an hour of being with them to make us miserable and wornout when we havent done anything but maybe get them up in the morning..some of them cant get up without an argument or a fight and they dont listen and argue everything we ask them to do..and its us not the managers that are there dealing with them and so wehn things dont go well we keep being the bad ones because we are the ones telling them they cant do this or that..and it doesnt really matter if it was one of the management ppl that told us they couldnt do it in the first place..we are the ones actually telling them the bad news and so we just suck horribly..its so frustrating because we are really supported i guess by the ppl who should be helping out more..if the kids are supposed to be in school until 4:30 then make them sstay that long..dont let them out at 2:30 and say go up to the cabins..dont make promises to them without telling us first..and then dont makme promises that you have nothing to do with and then just assume we as staff are going to want to do it..how in the hell can you promise that they can have a campfire or go to the mall or movies without even taking the time to ask us first..then the kids us it against us and we cant do anything but either say ok or no and if it is a no then the world might as well just end now and we can forget doing anything at all productive..dont take kids aside and have one on ones without telling us what you have promised him..we cant go on his word but then no one but him knows what you told him..and then we cant get up with you and cant do anything but bring him along when he doessnt deserve to go anywhere...and dont blame us for what happens to graham when you know as well as we dothat he doesnt care..dont make it so that if he isnt happy then we are doing something wrong..that one i think hurts the most because it has suddenly become dont do anything to set graham off because the manager wants him to stay...he should have bene sent home already..we have asked that he be sent home or go to a different program and nothing has happened yet..he keeps getting in big trouble..three times the cops have been called for something he has done and he is still here..he makes the group miserable and still jon will not send him home..we are going to fla on monday and graham doesnt need to go..why when on every trip he has dont something unsafe on the bus..choking other students, farting on purpose and finding it funny, being rude and inappropriate and just stupid..freaking out when he cant get his way and we come back from the trips telling them what he does and they dont take it seriously enough..they give him chance aafter chance and its the counselors that are still stuck with him all day long..7 other kids but its graham that gets the most attention because nothing can happen if graham doesnt want it too..and i hate that it has come to that..i hate that its suddenly do everything to keep graham calm regardless of what the group needs..i sorry to see him have to go home because the kid does need help but we have done everything possible for him and he doesnt care..endless hours talking to him and watching him and having fun when he is in a good mood..but when he isnt in a good mood then no one can really let there gaurd down because anything can set him off..the group didnt want him back at one point and he was still put back in the group..he was supposed to go to stone mountain for a weekend and it didnt happen..he has already been to juvie and he brags about it..he doesnt know anything about the real world and if he keeps acting the way hes acting he will end up in jail and maybe he does need something like that for a wake up call but i would hate if anything happened to him...but we cant help him here and maybe at some point he will figure it out..but i dont know what will take for that to happen..when ive asked him about it he always says he wants to stay here because being here with us is better than him being at home..he can talk about how osme of his behaviors have changed and true some have but he is still the same old graham and he thinks the world was made to please him..his view is right and screw what anyone else thinks or wants..i dont want him to go home because he will just get in trouble but i dont really know where he will go after here..its sad thinking we are losing him and that we couldnt really get through to him..its like maybe we didnt try hard enough..maybe there was something else we could have tried..but i know we have tried everything possible with what we have..i will miss him..i know i will but i still hope he finds what he needs i guess..i worry about a lot of the kids in the program and i have no idea how they made it in there reg schools..i dont know how they handled it when i see how they act here and what they say and its like its no wonder you say you have no friends..its no wonder you are here..but they are only here for a little bit longer and then they will go home and some of them will go back to there reg schools..some of them are already being told they are coming back next session..and its weird i guess..for as much as they yell and scream and for one even say we are abusing him they want to come back..they will be back over the summer, they will be back next session..sometimes i dont get their thinking at all..

only with yvonne can we have a complete discussion on getting happy meal toys without the happy meals...i think the world would come to an end if people actually went and got the toys without the happy meal..theres no fun in that lol..so now im actually trying to halfway get ready for work tomorrow and im not thrilled at all to have to be up at like 3 in the morning to go to work..not thrilled we are going to hike up a mountain for an easter service either but oh well..get used to it i suppose...and yvonne is just waiting to see if shes been hired and then she will be spending the summer here in the world of talisman and all it's craziness..and someone else i know may be coming too...it does kinda suck nia wont be there but its ok too..will have to see how it happens..but im starting to really look forward to the summer..im over the semester for this session...its been long and tiring and im ready for the kids to go home..although ill miss some of them.some of them ill be more than happy to never see again...but still there is another two week trip..a full two weeks and im kinda looking forward to it ..kinda not..ive never been to the kkeys before sure id rather go without kids but oh well on that one.ive never been to the everglades either but i dont know which i would prefer to be off for..but back to cleaning up and stuff before i have to leave in the morning

ugh

im sick and feeling miserable right now

thinking..lots of stuff

sometimes i think that im perfectly fine, like there is nothing wrong with at all..when i can be at home without freaking out about some small thing..and when everything actually feels ok for the time being..and im left wondering if i really need help...i can go to work and go out and do this by and for myself..other people have bigger problems than i do and i freak out about all the stupid stuff...i need to get my act together...

still waiting for them to come and fix the sink..and i finally gave in and started cleaning up all the dishes and actually cooking dinner tonight...its taking forever cleaning things in the sinks but im managing ..just being really careful to catch all the water from the drains before it gets all over the floors and stuff..hoefully they come tomorrow before i have to go back to work..

i found out i can sign up for insurance and stuff and its just really confusing ..i dont knwo the first thing about insurance and mommy cant really help because she doesnt know what it means either and im just telling her stuff over the phone and cant really explain anything...i dont know how to do the retirement stuff either and i feel so stupid for not being able to do it and for not understanding any of it...im thinking of waiting until june to start them anyway or at least medical for now and i can add dental later on...i dont want to start the retirment stuff until sept hopefully after i get a raise or something...and i found out im going in a day late not that i mind since its been forever since ive had a saturday off..not that im doing anything but still its nice..

im not sure what to do about my car though and the fla trip...out of all of us my car is the best and i know it can make the trip and im not worried about anyone driving it because i do trust them..but i asked mommy what she thought about it and yes it was incredibly dumb on my part and i shouldnt have asked but she freaked out and started yelling at me and telling me how im the only one insured and blah blah blah..good grief all of them have had there licenses for years longer than i have and are prolly safer drivers than i am...but now im not so sure..my brakes are acting weird and i can here them when i stop and ill have to have everything checked and i do know all of that..but just mommy blowing up over it makes me nervous where as before i wasnt nervous..theres no point in having time off if we cant go anywhere without a car and we cant take the van from the kids when they are going places ..no point in going without another car and seriously mine is the best choice..but at thesame time i dont want to take it and have it messs up thanks to mommy now thats what im thinking about..ugh..so i dont know..i want to take my car i do..it will be better than being stuck..linda says aspen will pay for gas money to go and come but for just traveling in fla we have to pay for..i just hate being unable to decide..got paid today and it was more money than i was expecting..and i called and asked mommy if she put money in my account just to make sure i wasnt seeing things and she hadnt..so im not complaining but its just weird..ill have to ask linda about it the next time i see her...ive been thinking about what i want to do over the summer and im still having trouble picking which program i want to do but im getting awfully close to picking academics..i know it was the staff that made that one horrible last summer more than the kids did..and its just the schedule would be different for the academic kids and i would be in one cabin all summer since i hate moving back and forth and ill work with the same ppl all summer too..so it has its perks..but still hard too because the kids are there for a longer time frame and they do school during the day and they have abbreviated activities in the afternoons..so its just different but i think it would work out better for me to do that one if i dont do adults..talked to mommy this morning about when i was coming home and i told her i didnt knoww..nia wants me to come back and visit and if i had gas money i would but i cant handle that right now..i told her i would see ..and if i dont visit in may ill do it in august/sept..i know ill be home for a little while then because stephanies wedding is in sept..and i really do want to go to it..the date kinda sucks but ill manage..

as i sit here and rant and rave about americas next top model and a making fairly accurate guesses..its fun yelling at the tv even if i do spend most of my time bored out of my head while im off not really doing anything..sstarting to worry a lot about going to fla for two weeks very soon..still nervous about them coming to fix my sink..hopefully it will get done tomorrow and i have to go and ask again since i havent been here...dusti entertained herself by playing in the windows when i opened them today...when i got home this morning she was sitting in my bedroom window just looking at everything going on outside..and im bored with writing..weird

-

tired..and thats about all...all i want to do is go to sleep for the next week and not move ever again...me and jim are kinda in a bit of touble right now because the kids ganged up on one of the boys and shaved his head...he had no complaints about it but boy was linda and jon mad as heck today when they found out and they just didnt let up on us at all..even if we werent there when it happened we should have been and it should have been stpped..but as it happened we werent there at all for the most part and its just the two of us isnt enough for eight kids..we need a third person..we are behind in paperwork and everyhting because there is just no time at all..and jon doesnt understand that we have no extra time at all...its work and keep up with the kids all day long and when they go to bed we go to bed..simple as that..some how he just thinks we have tons of free time during the day and shouldnt fall behind on anything and its like give me a break..you come and deal with them for a day or two and see how much energy you have left at the end of the day!! so its just annoying that we are validated in some ways..i work my butt off dealing with them and i guess sometimes its just not enough...we are talking about summer and what program i want to be in and how things are going to be set up next semester..weird how uch some of the kids already talk about coming back and its like good grief i never want to see you again and you are coming back! oh well..will figure it out as it happens...and i got more info on insurannce and stuff today and its so confusing..suddenly i know what areas of real life im lacking in horribly and filling out paperwork is seriously one of them...but i got enough of it to realize i cant do therapy under this insurance..not long term anyway and 3 sessions wouldnt do anything at all for me..so for now im still not making any decisions about anything at all..it still worries me and everything but i cant decide and until i save up there is really no point in stressing i guess..also got info on a 401 thingy and geez it is a bit depressing thinking about retiring and everything now...no idea how to fill those out either! im such a dork

Proud or not...

we are back from the backpacking trip...it was really hard coming in on the middle of the trip and just kinda being thrown inot all that was going on...they had already been there for two days before me and jim got out there and then the kids were just like why are you here? once we got past the yea it was shift change and the trip had to be moved and yes itreally sucks because we had to give up half a day off blah blah blah we got on with our day...it was about a mile maybe aa little more to get to the campsite they were at and i left before jim and zack because i knew i would have a hard time and i didnt want to hold them up because that really does make me feel guilty but i managed that part fairly fine..its wasnt a hard hike getting up to the campsite..i was completely surprised when we ran into sam and just like walked for a couple minutes and there they all were! jim of course told me i had done a good job and so did zzack...we left to go climbing and i knew we would have to hike to get to the rock but i realy had no idea how freaking hard it would be...saying its going uphill just doesnt even describe it at all.it was climbing over rocks and roots and going up hill..jim started off behind me but i made him go in front of me when i started slowing down...because i would just worry endlessly if he stayed behind me and i kinda dont really like when ppl know im having a hard time..i went back and forth between yelling at myself and just reminding myself that i could finish and it wasnt a big deal how long it took..and seriously wanting to yell at jon for having to change the trip and meending up backpacking when i kinda suck at it..so anyway jim and zack kinda didnt mention that we had to climb up a rock halfway through the hike in order to get to the second part of the trail...like literally tie a rope to a tree at the top and climb up it..given im not usually afraid of heights at all but this was done without harnesses and it was just like ok hold on and go up..as soon as i saw it i said i didnt want to do it..zack was at the bottom with me and the last of the kids who had yet to go up and i ended up being last becasue i really was scared and proceeded to tell him so..but i couldnt stay where i was and it was either go up or go up..so i climbed up the rock and when i got to the top jim told me he was proud of me and i didnt say anything since i was too mad at him for making me do it in the first place..but sitting up there and looking out the view was really really pretty...tree tops and mountains and tons of sky..i wish i could have gotten a picture of it...but i dont think ill be forgetting it anytime soon...so we fnish the hke and the last aprt of it was really climbing over rocks and roots and trees and it was miserable and becasue i get so nervous i was going incredibly slow and freaking out about slipping and falling down the mountain..but i made it to the top and helped all the kids climb the actual rock ..and they all did a realy really good job and so i was just kinda hanging out trying to not feel sick and keeping them all motivated to keep trying..most of them made it all the way to the top and they could see the top of looking glass from where they were..even the ones who didnt climb the day before climbed with us and it was cool..i didnt climb this time because i wasnt feeling good and i was tired and the bugs were killing me...but mostly i was just worn out and didnt want to do it..not a big deal wor anything since most of the kids went two or three times and had a good time doing it...we stayed all day and started the long trek down at around 3:30 in the afternoon after being up there all day..going down was just as hard as coming up but it didnt take as long...having to climb down the rock on the rope was enough to s care me into swearing not to move off the top of the rock at all.jim was at the top with me when i was yelling at zack to let me stay where i was..jim kept threatening to push me off if i didnt go on my own..so i had to do it..wasnt thrilled about it or anything but i guess thats what it comes down too..i had to do it whether i wanted to or not...even if i was scared enough to want to cry and not move at all i had to do it..jim kept me talking as i went down the first half and of course i was dumb enough to keep looking down the big rock..and going down was just weird because you have to walk backwards and i couldnt see where i was going and it was like ok im just going to fall and it will suck..but as i got closer to the bottom zack started talking to me and telling me i was doing fine and doing a good job...but i got to the bottom and we left and i of course got scared again going well sliding down all of the big rocks after that..and jim kept me company for some of it but eventually i let him go on ahead...it was an incredibly exhausting day..i hadnt realy slept much the night before and that might have been becasue i had to much alcohol in my blood and i was jut a little tipsy and automatically went to bed and the alcohol didnt have time to do anything so i spent most of the night awake trying to force myself to sleep..and i was nervous about camping out for real..and then hiking about 4 miles to go and come back was just tiring by its self..we came back today and the hike out wasnt hard but it was raining for most of the day and it was miserable ...i stayed behind with the kids who needed to walk a bit slower and we did fine by ourselves...they kept up with me and i made sure they stopped when they needed breaks and what not..but we finished the whole hike in really less than three hours..we stopped a couple times and really nice waterfalls and i think it would be really pretty to take that hike down in the summer or at least on a sunny day...parts of the trail today were really calming and just nice to look at..i had adam with me for a good while and he just kept talking and talking and talking..and i was half listening but not really becasue i was thinking about a million other things...i had one kid who just refused to hike with us and didnt stay with us at all but even that didnt screw up the hike because he caught up at every stop and he was ok hiking by his self..its been forever since ive been hiking and i really just kinda wasnt thinking about how hard it would be..i still enjoyed the quietness of it..that i dont think will change because that is nice and its a nice time to think when its such a mindless activity..but no matter how many times told me he was proud of me i wouldnt let up on being upset that i couldnt keep up yesterday...today wasnt so bad since my pace was fine for the kids who needed to go slower but yesterday it was just no matter how hard i tried i couldnt keep up..and i wasnt proud of anythingi did at all and couldnt really understand why jim kept telling me he was when i wasnt doing anything to deserve it...its confusing i guess..now we are back at camp and everyone is pretty quiet/wornout tonight..watching a movie up in the cabiin that i prolly need to back to helping with..and everytime i sit down and stop moving for a while and then get up again my body reminds me of how sore it is..walking is a pain in the butt right now im so so sore..all i want to do is sleep but i cant really get comfortable either..kinda sucks..but anyway i better get going back into the miserable weather