miserable day... rant for once

yesterday sucked more than any other day ive had at work..we had three kids run away..they pretty much had a mutiny against staff and i guess thats putting it the nice way..they did everything possible to just drive us up the day and if nothing else they made sure and vented every feeling some of them had yesterday and it just turned into a them against us kinda thing..it wasnt fair at all and it was just tiring having almost all of them just throw everything we have done for them back at us and they dont care..they dont want to be here and they are just doing everything to make it miserable for everyone else and its not fair at all..three walked off yesterday before dinner..one came back within an hour on his own but the other two didnt turn up until almost 2 this morning..the cops were there..they were getting ready to do search parties to search in the woods behind the camp and then the kids were there and it was just im glad your ok but good god i just really want to yell at you both right now..so i spent the morning ignoring them completely..i had nothing at all to say to them because yes they knew better and they only did it to try and make a point as we were told a million times during theday yesterday..they are being completely ungrateful..we are gettaing ready to take them on a two week trip to fla..and they dont want to go, they dont care..they think we put to many restrictions on them when they cant even do the little stuff we ask on a daily basis!! and they say they have to many restrictions..what the heck..if they would listen and stop hearing just what they want to them maaybe it wouldnt be so bad but they tune us out and then when they cant do something its entirely our fault like we are out to get them or something..they say they dont have enough time to themselves when they dont use the time we give them! they choose to stay with the group, they dont ask to go on walk or to go off by themselves and its like dont bring it up now when you have never asked for it..dont try and us it against us when you know its a lie and isnt going to help you in anyway at all right now..it annoyed me so much that they just cant see what it is we are trying to do and they dont care, they dont want it and it does feel like we are wasting our time to make things better for them and all they can se is the negatives that care put in place more often than not because of there behaviors..its not on us atall but we are still the bad guys..i dont get it....i hate that jon can cancel school and dump the kids on us when these are the kids that need routine..the counselors cant take days off so why should they get days off..they have the weekends and they get to leave at 5 during the week but we are there 24 hours a day..there is no relief if anything happened and one of us had to leave because then someone from the other side would have to come and take over and its not fair to them...but school can get cancelled and the kids routine is screwed up and we have to deal with the aftermath ...all the major blowups have happened when they have had an unplanned day from school..and its not fair to us either when we need the time they are in school to get other things done..and then everyone is just on edge and fed up with being around the group all day without any real plans...how is it fair that its the counselors that have to deal with all the stupid little petty issues they can come up with, we have to deal with all the yelling and screaming and cursing and fights, we are called really bad things and still have to show up and deal with them because we dont get the option to just not do it..yes we only have to work 3 or 4 days at a time but it takes less than an hour of being with them to make us miserable and wornout when we havent done anything but maybe get them up in the morning..some of them cant get up without an argument or a fight and they dont listen and argue everything we ask them to do..and its us not the managers that are there dealing with them and so wehn things dont go well we keep being the bad ones because we are the ones telling them they cant do this or that..and it doesnt really matter if it was one of the management ppl that told us they couldnt do it in the first place..we are the ones actually telling them the bad news and so we just suck horribly..its so frustrating because we are really supported i guess by the ppl who should be helping out more..if the kids are supposed to be in school until 4:30 then make them sstay that long..dont let them out at 2:30 and say go up to the cabins..dont make promises to them without telling us first..and then dont makme promises that you have nothing to do with and then just assume we as staff are going to want to do it..how in the hell can you promise that they can have a campfire or go to the mall or movies without even taking the time to ask us first..then the kids us it against us and we cant do anything but either say ok or no and if it is a no then the world might as well just end now and we can forget doing anything at all productive..dont take kids aside and have one on ones without telling us what you have promised him..we cant go on his word but then no one but him knows what you told him..and then we cant get up with you and cant do anything but bring him along when he doessnt deserve to go anywhere...and dont blame us for what happens to graham when you know as well as we dothat he doesnt care..dont make it so that if he isnt happy then we are doing something wrong..that one i think hurts the most because it has suddenly become dont do anything to set graham off because the manager wants him to stay...he should have bene sent home already..we have asked that he be sent home or go to a different program and nothing has happened yet..he keeps getting in big trouble..three times the cops have been called for something he has done and he is still here..he makes the group miserable and still jon will not send him home..we are going to fla on monday and graham doesnt need to go..why when on every trip he has dont something unsafe on the bus..choking other students, farting on purpose and finding it funny, being rude and inappropriate and just stupid..freaking out when he cant get his way and we come back from the trips telling them what he does and they dont take it seriously enough..they give him chance aafter chance and its the counselors that are still stuck with him all day long..7 other kids but its graham that gets the most attention because nothing can happen if graham doesnt want it too..and i hate that it has come to that..i hate that its suddenly do everything to keep graham calm regardless of what the group needs..i sorry to see him have to go home because the kid does need help but we have done everything possible for him and he doesnt care..endless hours talking to him and watching him and having fun when he is in a good mood..but when he isnt in a good mood then no one can really let there gaurd down because anything can set him off..the group didnt want him back at one point and he was still put back in the group..he was supposed to go to stone mountain for a weekend and it didnt happen..he has already been to juvie and he brags about it..he doesnt know anything about the real world and if he keeps acting the way hes acting he will end up in jail and maybe he does need something like that for a wake up call but i would hate if anything happened to him...but we cant help him here and maybe at some point he will figure it out..but i dont know what will take for that to happen..when ive asked him about it he always says he wants to stay here because being here with us is better than him being at home..he can talk about how osme of his behaviors have changed and true some have but he is still the same old graham and he thinks the world was made to please him..his view is right and screw what anyone else thinks or wants..i dont want him to go home because he will just get in trouble but i dont really know where he will go after here..its sad thinking we are losing him and that we couldnt really get through to him..its like maybe we didnt try hard enough..maybe there was something else we could have tried..but i know we have tried everything possible with what we have..i will miss him..i know i will but i still hope he finds what he needs i guess..i worry about a lot of the kids in the program and i have no idea how they made it in there reg schools..i dont know how they handled it when i see how they act here and what they say and its like its no wonder you say you have no friends..its no wonder you are here..but they are only here for a little bit longer and then they will go home and some of them will go back to there reg schools..some of them are already being told they are coming back next session..and its weird i guess..for as much as they yell and scream and for one even say we are abusing him they want to come back..they will be back over the summer, they will be back next session..sometimes i dont get their thinking at all..

only with yvonne can we have a complete discussion on getting happy meal toys without the happy meals...i think the world would come to an end if people actually went and got the toys without the happy meal..theres no fun in that lol..so now im actually trying to halfway get ready for work tomorrow and im not thrilled at all to have to be up at like 3 in the morning to go to work..not thrilled we are going to hike up a mountain for an easter service either but oh well..get used to it i suppose...and yvonne is just waiting to see if shes been hired and then she will be spending the summer here in the world of talisman and all it's craziness..and someone else i know may be coming too...it does kinda suck nia wont be there but its ok too..will have to see how it happens..but im starting to really look forward to the summer..im over the semester for this session...its been long and tiring and im ready for the kids to go home..although ill miss some of them.some of them ill be more than happy to never see again...but still there is another two week trip..a full two weeks and im kinda looking forward to it ..kinda not..ive never been to the kkeys before sure id rather go without kids but oh well on that one.ive never been to the everglades either but i dont know which i would prefer to be off for..but back to cleaning up and stuff before i have to leave in the morning

ugh

im sick and feeling miserable right now

thinking..lots of stuff

sometimes i think that im perfectly fine, like there is nothing wrong with at all..when i can be at home without freaking out about some small thing..and when everything actually feels ok for the time being..and im left wondering if i really need help...i can go to work and go out and do this by and for myself..other people have bigger problems than i do and i freak out about all the stupid stuff...i need to get my act together...

still waiting for them to come and fix the sink..and i finally gave in and started cleaning up all the dishes and actually cooking dinner tonight...its taking forever cleaning things in the sinks but im managing ..just being really careful to catch all the water from the drains before it gets all over the floors and stuff..hoefully they come tomorrow before i have to go back to work..

i found out i can sign up for insurance and stuff and its just really confusing ..i dont knwo the first thing about insurance and mommy cant really help because she doesnt know what it means either and im just telling her stuff over the phone and cant really explain anything...i dont know how to do the retirement stuff either and i feel so stupid for not being able to do it and for not understanding any of it...im thinking of waiting until june to start them anyway or at least medical for now and i can add dental later on...i dont want to start the retirment stuff until sept hopefully after i get a raise or something...and i found out im going in a day late not that i mind since its been forever since ive had a saturday off..not that im doing anything but still its nice..

im not sure what to do about my car though and the fla trip...out of all of us my car is the best and i know it can make the trip and im not worried about anyone driving it because i do trust them..but i asked mommy what she thought about it and yes it was incredibly dumb on my part and i shouldnt have asked but she freaked out and started yelling at me and telling me how im the only one insured and blah blah blah..good grief all of them have had there licenses for years longer than i have and are prolly safer drivers than i am...but now im not so sure..my brakes are acting weird and i can here them when i stop and ill have to have everything checked and i do know all of that..but just mommy blowing up over it makes me nervous where as before i wasnt nervous..theres no point in having time off if we cant go anywhere without a car and we cant take the van from the kids when they are going places ..no point in going without another car and seriously mine is the best choice..but at thesame time i dont want to take it and have it messs up thanks to mommy now thats what im thinking about..ugh..so i dont know..i want to take my car i do..it will be better than being stuck..linda says aspen will pay for gas money to go and come but for just traveling in fla we have to pay for..i just hate being unable to decide..got paid today and it was more money than i was expecting..and i called and asked mommy if she put money in my account just to make sure i wasnt seeing things and she hadnt..so im not complaining but its just weird..ill have to ask linda about it the next time i see her...ive been thinking about what i want to do over the summer and im still having trouble picking which program i want to do but im getting awfully close to picking academics..i know it was the staff that made that one horrible last summer more than the kids did..and its just the schedule would be different for the academic kids and i would be in one cabin all summer since i hate moving back and forth and ill work with the same ppl all summer too..so it has its perks..but still hard too because the kids are there for a longer time frame and they do school during the day and they have abbreviated activities in the afternoons..so its just different but i think it would work out better for me to do that one if i dont do adults..talked to mommy this morning about when i was coming home and i told her i didnt knoww..nia wants me to come back and visit and if i had gas money i would but i cant handle that right now..i told her i would see ..and if i dont visit in may ill do it in august/sept..i know ill be home for a little while then because stephanies wedding is in sept..and i really do want to go to it..the date kinda sucks but ill manage..

as i sit here and rant and rave about americas next top model and a making fairly accurate guesses..its fun yelling at the tv even if i do spend most of my time bored out of my head while im off not really doing anything..sstarting to worry a lot about going to fla for two weeks very soon..still nervous about them coming to fix my sink..hopefully it will get done tomorrow and i have to go and ask again since i havent been here...dusti entertained herself by playing in the windows when i opened them today...when i got home this morning she was sitting in my bedroom window just looking at everything going on outside..and im bored with writing..weird

-

tired..and thats about all...all i want to do is go to sleep for the next week and not move ever again...me and jim are kinda in a bit of touble right now because the kids ganged up on one of the boys and shaved his head...he had no complaints about it but boy was linda and jon mad as heck today when they found out and they just didnt let up on us at all..even if we werent there when it happened we should have been and it should have been stpped..but as it happened we werent there at all for the most part and its just the two of us isnt enough for eight kids..we need a third person..we are behind in paperwork and everyhting because there is just no time at all..and jon doesnt understand that we have no extra time at all...its work and keep up with the kids all day long and when they go to bed we go to bed..simple as that..some how he just thinks we have tons of free time during the day and shouldnt fall behind on anything and its like give me a break..you come and deal with them for a day or two and see how much energy you have left at the end of the day!! so its just annoying that we are validated in some ways..i work my butt off dealing with them and i guess sometimes its just not enough...we are talking about summer and what program i want to be in and how things are going to be set up next semester..weird how uch some of the kids already talk about coming back and its like good grief i never want to see you again and you are coming back! oh well..will figure it out as it happens...and i got more info on insurannce and stuff today and its so confusing..suddenly i know what areas of real life im lacking in horribly and filling out paperwork is seriously one of them...but i got enough of it to realize i cant do therapy under this insurance..not long term anyway and 3 sessions wouldnt do anything at all for me..so for now im still not making any decisions about anything at all..it still worries me and everything but i cant decide and until i save up there is really no point in stressing i guess..also got info on a 401 thingy and geez it is a bit depressing thinking about retiring and everything now...no idea how to fill those out either! im such a dork

Proud or not...

we are back from the backpacking trip...it was really hard coming in on the middle of the trip and just kinda being thrown inot all that was going on...they had already been there for two days before me and jim got out there and then the kids were just like why are you here? once we got past the yea it was shift change and the trip had to be moved and yes itreally sucks because we had to give up half a day off blah blah blah we got on with our day...it was about a mile maybe aa little more to get to the campsite they were at and i left before jim and zack because i knew i would have a hard time and i didnt want to hold them up because that really does make me feel guilty but i managed that part fairly fine..its wasnt a hard hike getting up to the campsite..i was completely surprised when we ran into sam and just like walked for a couple minutes and there they all were! jim of course told me i had done a good job and so did zzack...we left to go climbing and i knew we would have to hike to get to the rock but i realy had no idea how freaking hard it would be...saying its going uphill just doesnt even describe it at all.it was climbing over rocks and roots and going up hill..jim started off behind me but i made him go in front of me when i started slowing down...because i would just worry endlessly if he stayed behind me and i kinda dont really like when ppl know im having a hard time..i went back and forth between yelling at myself and just reminding myself that i could finish and it wasnt a big deal how long it took..and seriously wanting to yell at jon for having to change the trip and meending up backpacking when i kinda suck at it..so anyway jim and zack kinda didnt mention that we had to climb up a rock halfway through the hike in order to get to the second part of the trail...like literally tie a rope to a tree at the top and climb up it..given im not usually afraid of heights at all but this was done without harnesses and it was just like ok hold on and go up..as soon as i saw it i said i didnt want to do it..zack was at the bottom with me and the last of the kids who had yet to go up and i ended up being last becasue i really was scared and proceeded to tell him so..but i couldnt stay where i was and it was either go up or go up..so i climbed up the rock and when i got to the top jim told me he was proud of me and i didnt say anything since i was too mad at him for making me do it in the first place..but sitting up there and looking out the view was really really pretty...tree tops and mountains and tons of sky..i wish i could have gotten a picture of it...but i dont think ill be forgetting it anytime soon...so we fnish the hke and the last aprt of it was really climbing over rocks and roots and trees and it was miserable and becasue i get so nervous i was going incredibly slow and freaking out about slipping and falling down the mountain..but i made it to the top and helped all the kids climb the actual rock ..and they all did a realy really good job and so i was just kinda hanging out trying to not feel sick and keeping them all motivated to keep trying..most of them made it all the way to the top and they could see the top of looking glass from where they were..even the ones who didnt climb the day before climbed with us and it was cool..i didnt climb this time because i wasnt feeling good and i was tired and the bugs were killing me...but mostly i was just worn out and didnt want to do it..not a big deal wor anything since most of the kids went two or three times and had a good time doing it...we stayed all day and started the long trek down at around 3:30 in the afternoon after being up there all day..going down was just as hard as coming up but it didnt take as long...having to climb down the rock on the rope was enough to s care me into swearing not to move off the top of the rock at all.jim was at the top with me when i was yelling at zack to let me stay where i was..jim kept threatening to push me off if i didnt go on my own..so i had to do it..wasnt thrilled about it or anything but i guess thats what it comes down too..i had to do it whether i wanted to or not...even if i was scared enough to want to cry and not move at all i had to do it..jim kept me talking as i went down the first half and of course i was dumb enough to keep looking down the big rock..and going down was just weird because you have to walk backwards and i couldnt see where i was going and it was like ok im just going to fall and it will suck..but as i got closer to the bottom zack started talking to me and telling me i was doing fine and doing a good job...but i got to the bottom and we left and i of course got scared again going well sliding down all of the big rocks after that..and jim kept me company for some of it but eventually i let him go on ahead...it was an incredibly exhausting day..i hadnt realy slept much the night before and that might have been becasue i had to much alcohol in my blood and i was jut a little tipsy and automatically went to bed and the alcohol didnt have time to do anything so i spent most of the night awake trying to force myself to sleep..and i was nervous about camping out for real..and then hiking about 4 miles to go and come back was just tiring by its self..we came back today and the hike out wasnt hard but it was raining for most of the day and it was miserable ...i stayed behind with the kids who needed to walk a bit slower and we did fine by ourselves...they kept up with me and i made sure they stopped when they needed breaks and what not..but we finished the whole hike in really less than three hours..we stopped a couple times and really nice waterfalls and i think it would be really pretty to take that hike down in the summer or at least on a sunny day...parts of the trail today were really calming and just nice to look at..i had adam with me for a good while and he just kept talking and talking and talking..and i was half listening but not really becasue i was thinking about a million other things...i had one kid who just refused to hike with us and didnt stay with us at all but even that didnt screw up the hike because he caught up at every stop and he was ok hiking by his self..its been forever since ive been hiking and i really just kinda wasnt thinking about how hard it would be..i still enjoyed the quietness of it..that i dont think will change because that is nice and its a nice time to think when its such a mindless activity..but no matter how many times told me he was proud of me i wouldnt let up on being upset that i couldnt keep up yesterday...today wasnt so bad since my pace was fine for the kids who needed to go slower but yesterday it was just no matter how hard i tried i couldnt keep up..and i wasnt proud of anythingi did at all and couldnt really understand why jim kept telling me he was when i wasnt doing anything to deserve it...its confusing i guess..now we are back at camp and everyone is pretty quiet/wornout tonight..watching a movie up in the cabiin that i prolly need to back to helping with..and everytime i sit down and stop moving for a while and then get up again my body reminds me of how sore it is..walking is a pain in the butt right now im so so sore..all i want to do is sleep but i cant really get comfortable either..kinda sucks..but anyway i better get going back into the miserable weather

hmm

i noticed today that im pulling my shoulders up again..im not relaxing at all or something is really really stressing me out..i know im stressed but good grief it has been a while since ive noticed im pulling in again...i dont remember when or why it stopped last time but it does become a pain after a while. i have to constantly remind myself that im ok and that i can relax but it doesnt last for long if i have to keep doing it..

trying to get laundry done or at least a little bit of it so that ill have something to wear until i get home again..im guessing we will be taking the kids to do laundry after we are back and ill just wait and do the rest of my laundry then..not a big deal and fairly easier then than waiting and doing it now...still really tired and kinda out of it but still gotta go to work in a few hours...im guessing ill leave a bit after 5 and head in the direction of camp...i told jim i would be there after 5 and i guess we will be heading from there to the campsite around 6ish. i dont know yet if ill actually be climbing tomorrow..im not feeling much like climbing at all, i dont want to hike either but a job is a job and its not really about what i want all the time..so i just hope im feeling better and thats about all..

ive been thinking a lot lately about what my story is...not that i have a real idea but i think it would be a good idea to kinda start writing what i do know down because if i remember so little now i might forget all of it and i dont want that..so maybe i will..im thinking about it now and i wouldnt do it on this blog anyway because this one is just a mix of everything and it would be hard to seperate regular daily stuff to past stuff..and i dont want to mix it up for now...maybe ill figure it out and learn how to do it..but i think it will be hard since i dont really have a timeline for anything..all of it is just kinda smooshed together and i dont know ages or anything..its all more like ideas of what happened and feelings that came after it..but not really concrete things ..so idont know

blah

soooo im going to work tonight ..joy..im feeling really quite miserable right now ..woke up early and then went back to sleep eventually for a few hours and now im up and feeling completely weird for some reason...went to the office and told them a bout the sink and if they dont come today then they said they will come on wed when im back...but everything is cleaned up not counting my room that keeps managing to attract a million and a half sets of clothes that just migrate out of the closet and onto the floor...we are hiking and rock climbing tomorrow and all the kids are there ..its not supposed to be a bad hike or way long or anything but im just not interested in much right now..

i i

i dont think there is a word in the dictonary that can really explain how stupid and ashamed of myself im feeling right now..i just cant stop calling myself stupuid ..something told me not to throw up in the kitchen..right before i started and i didnt listen to my head and what happens?! the sink breaks and sudddenly everything is all over the floor and under the sink...the whole disposal thing just kinda fall out and i cant fix it..i have to tell the office tomorrow and then im going back to work on saturday and if they cant fix it what then?! im going to be in so much trouble..i cant calm down i cant think..i just want it to be ok and its not ..its far far far from being ok and its all my fault..i used to think getting caught throwing up would be the worst thing that could happen and well i was wrong.. completely and utterly wrong and now look where its gotten me..completely stupid and useless and ugh..im not happy at all right this minute and really really close to crying..im afraid to use to water abut i have to so i can finish cleaning up..i shouldnt complain because its my fault..and the cleaning up part i dealt with in all its grossness but having to tell them the sink is broken im not looking forward too ..i dont know how to handle it..i just i just cant beelieve this happened..i really cant ...i cant seem to get the throw up smell off of me and its freaking me out..good grief if i was looking for a sign i seem to be getting all of them at the same time ! could i have a bigger sign above my head that just screams look at what i managaed to screw up..stupid stupid stupid..maybe if i yell at myself enough it will somehow become more bearable..but im not holding out much hope on that one

woke up early this morning and found the library as planned..and then just hung out at home since it was kinda miserable weather today and im still not really comfortable with driving in the rain but whatever.. nothing to interesting to talk about though..made some changes to my blog..i like it and think its a nice change..kinda different and stuff ..actually gave in and went to the grocery store to pick pu some food...spent forever wandering around trying to figure out what i could get..and what i actually got is so different from everything i wanted..i bought apple jelly for reasons i dont know and now im not even sure i want to eat it..i dont know why i talked myself into wanting it so much! but now im just wondering if ill let it sit in the fridge for forever or actually get around to talk to myself into eating it..prolly never but oh well maybe it wont be forever..but if nothing else jim will find it funny as heck! jon called me this morning at like 8..ppl really need to stop calling me at 8 in the morning..mommy called at 7:30 yesterday and didnt even ask why i was up that early..at least jon was a bit sorry about calling so early...but we just talked about whether i was coming in early tomorrow or not and if i had talked to jim about it yet..and we eventually got around to what in the world i was doing up so early and i told him i was watching cartoons..since i was..and he asked if i was hanging cereal and i asked him if he was crazy! who can watch cartoons without having cereal to go along with it duh ... but it was amusing if nothing else..i still suck on the phone but whatever

just a day

ive traded cutting for purging currently...im completely worried about going to therapy and then not making a decision on it...im worried that linda will figure out what it is i do to myself and fire me because im crazy..i cant tell jim because maybe he wont want to work with me anymore..and i cant not have a job..so i keep quiet and keep suffering in a bunch of ways...ive given in and decided i will go and look for the library tomorrow because i want to know where its at and i want some new books to read..might as well let myself escape the free way..but getting lost still worries me and i finally picked on going early just to find it and then going back later once i know the way..im tired and have a headache right now..still annoyed i didnt try harder to throw up lunch but i knew better than forcing it today at least..i think ill paint today..maybe it will help..maybe it wont but i need something to do for right now...i really want to go tothe movies and im trying hard not too..i spent over 5 hours in the movie theatre last week! because i didnt want to have to go back home...and yep there are a million movies i want to see but i cant just keep spending money to hang out at the movies..

finally im off again for a few days...im sorry i was upset earlier when sam asked if i would come in early again..i dont want to come in early and i hate being asked because i want to help but especially in the middle of a trip i dont like it..and we are backpacking and rockclimbing on this one..its not long but still..so i didnt give a definite answer but im sure if i was asked again it would turn into a yes ...drainned completly and so very tired right now but unable to sleep. constantly going over whats been going on at work with the kids and then just want is always going on in my wonderful head..there doesnt seem to be a break anywhere..i found out today that mommy is trying to talk nia into coming andvisiting me..and i dont mind but she would be suck here in the apartment for like three days while im working and unable to come home and she cant drive so its not even like she could borrow the car...dont know about that.. im trying to figure out money and work and scheduling so much and its just confusing..i had a kid flat out tell me he doesnt get along with me or jim and that its better with the other two counselors..im like well to bad for you we arent going anywhere! but its so stupid..they tried hard to put the two sets of us against each other but now they know we tell each other exactly what goes on each shift change! i guess its just going to happen that some may like one set over the other and we are really different too..so i have to work at not letting it bother me so much..still really on edge i guess about the restraint stuff again..i hate when the kid blows up and makes it a point to get as many of the others upset and on edge too..the kids are going to bed and the one kid just refuses to leave the cabin and starts yelling and screaming and trying to get them to get up and help him..he seems to not realize that the group as a whole doesnt trust him anymore..they didnt help..they got upset and half my attention was on the kid being restrained and the otoher half is being spilt up trying to keep the rest in bed and calmed down and letting them know it will be ok...and i couldnt even move since i was holding on to his feet to stop him from trying to kick me..and even with all of it going on i couldnt focus..it all felt really detached because this was the first time i was asked to help..normally i just watch and help by talking to the kid without really restraining him..and even though the other counselor had him restrained and put up with all the biting and scratching he told the kid to stop trying to kick me..even when things are all over the place im still the one thats is protected from as much of it as possible...i dont know how it works out like that..and yes we are the youngest there..but most of the time we can hold our own but still there is someone there to protect us and make sure we are ok..and it happens now?! not when we were growing up..i end up with protectors when im supposed to be old enough to take care of myself..i dont get it i guess..does it look like i need to be protected? does it really show that im so young? realistically i know its not really any o fthose because at first they all thought i was older..im still the mature and responsible one..i take what is handed to me without freaking at all..i deal with all the changes and issues and arguments and being called horrible names without yelling ot blowing up at the kids..and still i know that if it comes down to anything the rest of the staff would look out for me..and i dont know what ive done to get that kinda of support i guess..even though they know almost nothingabout me and i havent shared much they still put up with me and the way i am and act..they dont question the scars on my arms or tell me to grow up or take away the disney movies we have watched a million times with the kids..maybe thats what bothers me so much im so used to doing something before anything is given to me...i dont get how things just happen when ive done nothing special..nothing different..why like me or protect when ive done nothing to deserve it?

wishes

wishes
-to be happy
-to be loved
-to understand what love is
-to travel anywhere
-to live in alaska
-to have a baby penguin umm yea lol
-to have enough money so that there is nothing to worry about
-to not be afraid
-to go back to my old therapist
-to go back to my teachers
-to get my msw
-to learn to trust without fear
-to be perfect without killing myself
-to be thin without killing myself

hmm thats all i can think of right now...

decided it was better to get out of the house instead of staying home because i wasnt in a great mood...went to the movies and saw the last mimzy and reign over me..both good ..but now im back at home and still feeling horrible...found out im working with addy tomorrow and that is making me a bit nervous but it shouldnt be so bad...i hope..i hope im feeling better tomorrow..i dont know..how weird is it to actually miss therapy..oh well i guess..maybe ill feel better tomorrow

-

my head hurts..my arm hurts..another miserable day..borrowed more money from mommy because there was no way out of it..i cant stay inside today because i feel like ill ujst drive myself crazy..maybe ill just give in and go to the movies i dont know..im not happy..im not anything right now..just waiting for things to get better and its not..everything is just wrong

some adult im turning out to be..i cant do anything right ..i dont even have my watch anymore to hide my wrist..stupid me

zoo

tired

i think my lack of sleeping has finally caught up with me..im so tired and of course only i can fall asleep so late in the day and then wake up just to watch a show..i just want to sleep away the day tomorrow..im still so annoyed..and cant believe ive actually decided i can once again live without internet..everything just sucks

upset

i really cant believe mommy actually told me i need to manage my money better...all ive donr for the past two weeks is worry about money after she told me my insurance was going up by a lot ...im back to figuring out what i have to give up to make up extra money somewhere...its so annoying that im left with nothing and i have to plan out what i can pay before i even get my pay check! ive done nothing but pay bills with my last check..ill do nothing but pay bills with this check..and its not fair...so much for being able to take care of myself..i cant even pay bills..mine or not i cant pay then and its so annoying because i hate paying late and i try to pay as much as i can on some of them but its like it doesnt even matter...i asked mommy to put money in my account because well i cant buy food or gas since i have to pay bills and that money isnt even really going for food..just gas and more bills..after stressing for a while trying to figure out what to give up and what not to give up i dont like what ive decided..if i want to save anything something has to go and theres really no way around that..so its come to well food for one thing..but i have to cancel internet and cable...i cant afford to keep it and its like almost painful knowing im going to lose my two biggest distractions..it sucks so much and i know im being completely shallow worrying about not having internet when there are millions of ppl with a lot less than i have..but it still sucks all the same..after i pay the bill ill just go ahead and cancel it and thats that...no sense freaking out about it..grow up and get a brain and just deal with it right...finally after asking for months mommy has mentioned taking henry off of my phone bill and letting me go back to having it on my own..it wasnt a good idea when i mentioned it but when she comes up with it the stupid thing is all fine and dandy..this morning i get a letter saying i owe 100 dollars i dont have and i dont get why so i have to figure that out tomorrow...on top of everything else i have to worry about..i cant do this..its like i work just to turn around and pay bills and still have no money..i couldnt do anything even if i wanted to..i cant save when im still slacking on paying everything and if i have to start paying back loans soon what will i do then when i dont even have extra money right now?! life sucks and i hate it..im doing everything im supposed to do short of dying and still i cant do anything right..and i really hate asking mommy for money because then she starts hinting that ill have to loan her more when she needs it..i tell her i dont have any and its like well then you need to save and manage your money ...i wanted to scream when she told me that...i left my checkbook at home this morning before i realized i needed gas and couldnt get any money out of the bank..i still dont have my check card yet and i have to use checks to get cash..i was half way to talisman this morning when i had to turn around...my watch is dead and i need another one..freaked and cut my wrist this morning..calmed me down enough to let me make it to work and do what i had to do..nothing more..now im at home again doing everything possible to make myself sick without actually doing it..i just want to go to bed..sleep for the next two weeks...it sucks

ugh
completely lost my last post ..i just want to scream

finally home again..

so im home again for the most part...not really off of work right now but i was worried about dusti a lot and we were gone for such a long time..i wouldnt have been able to relax if i hadnt come and check on her and because of everything that happeneed on the trip i wasnt sure i would be able to just up and leave as soon as the other staff came on ...so here i am at home and not asleep..its going to be really hard having to get back up in like 4 hours so i can go back to work in time to wake the kids up and get them ready..im really glad jim was ok with letting me leave..prolly cas i let him take us to the orchid nursery place and was bored out of my mind but stayed anyway! it took about 12 hours to get back today from the outer banks...and when i saw the sign for hendersonville at like 9 tonight i really thought i was going to cry..11 days with no break is really way to long to be with them..and im just worried a lot right now because of everything that happened while we were away..while working it was easy to deal with it as much as possible with the kids and just forget about it..but without the excuse to work i know e verything i put off dealing with will start popping back up and ill have a few days to worry and stress and make a mess of things...and tomorrow will just be hard because it will be talking to linda and everyone about the whole cop fiassco..that freaked me out more than anything else and the fact that they followed us for the rest of the day...the kid it was about didnt care..he doesnt care it happened ..he doesnt care about all the trouble he caused and how much danger he had the group in trying to jump out of the van while it was moving..thankfully i locked the doors when he started acting out..it was horrible and im completely used to seeing him restrained at camp i guess and it worries me but theres its easier to deal with..this time he was on the side of the road being restrained in broad daylight after he wouldnt calm down and started biting ...didnt think that someone would see and call the cops..we were already on our way again when we were pulled over and first thought of course was speeding ..second thought was you have got to be kidding me and someone called the cops..geez we must have looked completely crazy sitting with and then restraining a kid on the side of the road..ugh..the cops talked to m and jim and the kid and they let us go..i of course freaked out more when i couldnt get anyone in the office to pick up the phone and i couldnt get anna or jon or anyone to let them know what happened until afterwards..and the whole thing just really sucked and its the second time in less than a month the cops have been involved with this kid..that issue being at the top of a million things that didnt go as planned on this trip..the good news we made it back with all of them in one piece and realativley okay..bad news..there were so many different things to deal with between them and then having horrible camp sites..we were under flood warnings and winter weather advisories and some of the kids didnt have the right clothes for the weather..one kid being in shorts and sandals for the better part of the trip becasue he didnt pack what he needed..it was so annoying getting them out there and then finding out half of them are missing clothes and jackets and that we dont have all the food we were suppsoed to have or we ahve run out of fuel and have to go and find some..or the tents and sleeping bags and clothes are all soaked completely have two days of freezing rain and all of them want to slee on the van...i could have hurt jon myself when we got to one of the camp sites and found out it was barely big enough for the three tents and ten ppl and covered in mud..and to make it better we were right next to train tracks! that trains actually used..oh i was so mad especially when we have the one kid completely obssessed with trains! and the older boys and there bright ideas decided it would be fun to go and explore the traintracks..oh fun with that one and then having to spend the next two days keeping the youngest away from them...our trip could be divided into what days we went to the grocery store and it really was almost every other day for a while ..we missed out on almost 2 days in dc because they werent listening to us at all and we refused to take them anywhere until all of them had come and talked to us about what was going on with them..they were antsy, i was antsy and when it was looking like we would be there for two full days i thought i was going to go crazy...jim made me leave for a couple hours and go and of course find a grocery store and just hang out for a while and i was more nervous about leaving and driving a 15 passenger van than anything else but i did it and made it to the store and back in one piece and did ok driving it ..went a bit slower than usual since i didnt know the area and had no idea where i was going and i had never driven anything that big before...there were issues with them wetting there sleeping days and then refusing to take showers daily when it became impossible to even be around them at all..i spent hours doing laundry and drying out wet sleeping bags and only got one thank you..i was called mean for not heling one girl stuff her sleeping bag or help her pack and for banning the other girl from helping her, i was called a jerk for demanding one kid take a shower becasue he smelled bad..i was called selfish and told i hated them more times than i can remember..its like they really ignore everything it is we do for them..basic needs aside..there were arguments over food and campfires and stupid things..and it was just stressful andtiring more than anything else..there was no escape at all and it was either laugh or cry and never stop..im so glad to be back..but bad stuff aside we did have good times..we hung out in raliegh and dc, jamestown, and the outer banks..we went to the zoo and saw the butterfly gardens and the tigers and lions and the baby meerkat and baby panda, we went to an atique shop and jamestown and hung out in downtown willamsburg in va, we went to the aquariaum in the outer banks and countless boring museums ..we were lost in dc and almost ran out of gas...the keys were locked in the van and me and jim spent countless nights sleeping in various places on the van after telling the kids that it was impossbile for them to sleep in the van...we rode through jamestown island and went to see the glassblower..and that was really cool..i have been upgraded to almost parent status with one of the kids after he sat with me in the imax movie we saw..i put my arm around him and he had his arm around me..and since then he was been rather intent on knowing what im doing and where im going...we played tag for hours a couple nights in a row..i burned a picnic table and jim talked them into taking pictures of it!! oh that sucked and i swear it wasnt me..i spent one night dropping baked potatoes into the campfire because i didnt know what i was doing trying to pick them up out of the fire with sticks..i was poked and pinched and tickled to death on st patricks day because i wasnt wearing green and jim made sure to point it out every chance he got and i was the one who reminded him st patricks day was coming anyway! me and the older boys had countless talks about food, movies, cartoons, and the art of batman and his inabilty to fly so he therefore sucks and is not a uspoer hero..we talked about houses and places to visit, we talked about my love of spaghetti o's and when we went to the grocery store i made a point of going and finding some and showing them although i didnt get any..i was endlessly picked on about the burnt picnic table and my cooking style when we grilled out...and i didnt mind and it was fun and it kept everyone relaxed as much as possbile so whatever..i pick on them back about silly things and its ok..but really the past couple days everything has just been on autopilot..i didnt care what i said or did..i just wanted to be away from them..my patience was gone and it was really hard not reacting to every little thing that went on. i just want tomorrow to be ok with linda and getting the rest of the trip stuff squared away so i can come home and just sleep for a good while..i cant relax just yet..im not sure i really will..im to worried about how i will react to everything once it all comes crashing down on me..without work to put it off there really is nothing holding it back and it really has me worried...dusti my main reason for coming home is alive and well..lonely but okay...plenty of food and water and nothing is broken so i say she managed herself fairly well while i was gone..and now i do feel a bit better about that...since ill be gone again for a while next month but at least everyone is going on that trip...we are splitting up the time there..a week on and a week off and already im worried a bit about it

i just hate everything right now..im so upset that i lost my check card..it sucks and i went to the bank this morning and the stupid computers werent working and i cant do anything about it..i have to wait and hope that they are fixed before the day is over..i cant get anything done that i needed to today..it sucks

just

im just really tired today..tired of everything..not feeling good and worrying a lot about the usual stuff..tomorrow im thinking of going to the movies but now i cant figure out what i want to see..cant see both and i cant pick one...found out from mommy that my insurance is going up..i almost wish i couldnt drive..its a huge waste of money and it just overall sucks...if i ever get another car i want a regular car..not an suv..ugh..dont know why ive been picking at all of my food today..maybe im just not feeling good..cant figure out what i want and dont want what i fix..systematically end up throwing it all away..paid mommies bills online today because she cant use a computer..went to the store and found the filter i was looking for..paid my rent..and tomorrow i have to do laundry so i can pack..and then back to work..and out of town for a good while..

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are passionate, romantic, and emotional. You put love first in your life, even though you have often been disappointed by it. You expect to be swept of your feet, and you never expect infatuation to die out. Underneath it all, you are scared that you aren't lovable. Your insecurity has ruined many relationships, as you are unable to see the love that's really there. You are secretly afraid of being alone. Confronting your insecurities is incredibly painful.

What's the Part of You That No One Sees?

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are innocent, sweet, and young at heart. You present a purity that many people find appealing. However, you are often tired of people treating you like a child. Underneath it all, you enjoy being babied and pampered. You have been known to feign inexperience to get out of sticky situations. You fear getting old and losing your childlike charms.

What's the Part of You That No One Sees?

its after 1 in the morning and im still awake...getting tired though so thats good at least...went to the store and got groceries..still a bit leary with eating but im trying becasue i can not purge at work again..not cool..so besides sleeping tons today ive done nothing with the day really..not disappointing but its weird coming from work and being able to waste days at a time before having to go back and actually be productive...no idea what ill do tomorrow but it prolly wont be interesting in the slightest since im trying not to go anywhere until i actually want to put gas in my car and im holding off until thursday maybe friday before i do that..trying to decide if i want to go to the movies or not..ill wait until i see what my pay check is and then decide...bills ahve to paid and everything and that has to come before i start playing with money..and the way things are looking all money will be going to bills..blah..maybe somewhere in there ill get extra and be able to start saving..nothing big but i just want to save..id rather not watch all my money get eaten up by bills..so ill see..i really did waste more of my first check last month than i needed too..so i had my fun and now its time to really get things in order..hmm its too late to be reflective im going to be

interesting concept

well im home now for a few days...just woke up after seriously wasting the day away sleeping..gotta love taking a five hour nap in the middle of a day..and now im just not feeling together at all..more like just spacey and in my own little world..its been so long since ive taken a nap during the day and i should have remembered not to sleep for so long...but anyway..prolly really needed the sleep and ill prolly sleep tons the next few days to make up for not sleeping while we are on our trip..although i am excited about going to dc and the outer banks..not really interested in jamestown or yorktown though but going all the same..ten days without a break..well eleven days without a break..thinking about it really is overwhelming and it makes me nervous..but we are leaving a day early and going white water rafting and that i am excited for!!and it will be on a new place that we didnt go to last summer...so cool..although i am a little worried about falling out.but i always worry aabout that..so will see how it works out...checked the bank today and thankfully my last bill didnt overdraft since i got back the money i used on the bus yesterday and got to take it to the bank ...that i was glad for because it was making me so so so nervous...my car insurance is completely screwed up right now and mommy is trying to fix it since im not there and cant do anything about it..i hate paying for insurance..mostly because its so high since i just got my license...its not fair i have to pay almost 200 dollars i think its a wate of money and if i would stop speeding it wouldnt even be a huge issue...but whatever..deal with it and forgot about it...hmm sucked royally and b/p at work..not really binged but purged all the same..couldnt sleep last night..weird dreams that i dont remember..i kept waking up and just waiting for it to be time to wake up so i could stop faking sleep...dusti has been taking being on her own fairly well...i am a bit worried about leaving her for almost 2 weeks though...i know she will be ok but it jst seems like it will be forever before i come back home again..and then ill be gone for almost two weeks in april when we are in fla...lots to think about..i have to figure out what i need so i can pack for the trip thats saturday and do tons of laundry i let slack off..

but anyway back to what i was thinking about yesteerday..as i was on the bus so tired i couldnt even think straight..no idea why i was even so tired yesterday...but we had guests yesterday from one of the other aspen programs and a couple parents who are considering the program for next semester for there kids..and we had lunch with them and it was like ok be on your best behaviors ..insert rolled eyes here because the kids where well the usual way they are guests or no guests..but for some reason i was watching jon talk with the parents and its like the program runs because of us not the program managers..the 4 of us deal with the kids 24hrs a day for days at a time and the managers only have them a few hours a day 5 days a week..and even then we are still there dealing with behaviors and helping with school work..we deal with all the big stuff and we are the ones that work on behaviors and go back and forth between making them incredibly mad at us and letting them have a good time doing whatever..the program could be run almost without the program managers because its not really about them..but it couldnt be run without the counselors...and hearing the parents bring there kids back and get so many thank yous and hearing how happy the parents are with the progress their kids have made was shocking..maybe since im just always there and get so annoyed with some of them and sometimes it does feel like we are getting no where with them and their parents come and say they can see the changes in their kid just from the two months they have been here...i asked jim about it yesterday and he agreed that we do more with the kids about than the program managers..weird i never really thought i would be an impact on anyone..and sometimes it does feel like im being incredibly mean to them but never unfair...sure i dont like talking to the parents about there kids and i think the world would be a better place as long as i never have to do it but i could if i had too...so just interesting all of it...one of the parenst asked if iwas staying over the summer and for next session and i said i was..im fine with where im at for now..ive decided i want to stay for a couple years before going back to school and maybe at some point in there ill go back to therapy so ill be able to handle grad school with out freaking..simply known becuase i freaked out last night while we were doing our annoying social skills group..which was something as easy as personal space and inappropriate touch..didnt think it would bother me at all but we started talking about eye contact and the kid who usually takes things personally started to blow up and i just walked out because he was onlny hearing what he wanted to hear ..and once again he wasnt listening completely or even seeing what the big picture was and it really bothered me..so i got up and left..paced outside for almost 20 minutes and only went back in because it wasnt fair to leave jim with all of them...so i went back and tried really hard to stay focused on what was being talked about and i missed almost all of it..but the end when we started doing activities did make me feel better ..funniest thing ever watching them try to get someone to do something without talking or using there hands..i didnt do that one just watched..and if something as easy as personal space can agitate the heck out of me how will i talk about anything else?!

what am i thinking?

so its parents weekend and it hasnt been a horrible weekend with just one kid at all but did it have to be my least favorite kid of all?! ugh but we did have fun yesterday we went to the movies and out to eat and shopping in a few stores..jim showed me some of the houses he is looking into for the adult program and they are really cool..we looked at one for 2.5 million dollars and it is seriously a house out of a fairy tale..it looked like it had just walked offof the pages of cinderella and just landed in the middle of hendersonville..gosh i wanted that house..i want to see inside of it and i want a picture just to have and stare at..just the outside of the house was beautiful. but the more realistic option is huge too..6 rooms, 6 bathrooms, playrooms, fireplaces, 3 car garage, gazebo..prolly more but thats all im remembering right now..and if we get that house then im moving there and dusti would go with me ...i think if we get a house then the semester program and be held there and not at camp...it would rock..there would be enough rooms for everyone..considering i would so have my own room but that would still leave four rooms free for the kids...but anyhoo that will really have to wait until after jim talks to linda and they decide what they are going to be doing about the house...we saw happily n'ever after yesterday and it was funny..a bit predictable but funny..we found the 2 dollar movie place so i cant complain.. and ive decided that ill be going there to see movies becuase they were showing 4 movies and out of the four i wanted to see 3 of them..i had already seen 2 of them..we went to a pet store and that was really cool..petted the bunnies and saw the ferrets and mice and birds and tons and tons of fish and turtles and snakes...they had a shark and a alligator there!!! the spiders and trantulas were incredibly creepy though..and still it was the coolest place ever..we are going to have to go to the exotic pet place one of these days and see what they have there! we went to asiana for dinner and its like this huge chinese buffet place..i had been once before and it was really good...it wasnt so bad going with jim and the kid we had but ..he was being a dork and brought up purging and he said it as a joke but that was really all it took for me to start thinking about it..i realy have only gotten sick in resturants maybe once or twice..less than five times becasue i try hard not to do it...but i did it yesterday and felt horrible for giving in..i didnt have to do it but i did anyway and i wasnt upset after aactually doing it ..i was upset that i did it while i was working..i always swore i would never pure while working because kids copy us a lot ..these kids especially and i dont want them picking up bad habiits from me when we are trying to make them understand how the world works..and its just not fair for them to not be ok just because im not ok...completely disappinted with myself for that one and im trying not to think about it but i woke up this morning feeling horrible and i knew some of it had to do with what i did yesterday and from cutting..i checked my arm this morning and its not bad at all like infection wise but that doesnt really mean one wont happen..and i couldnt explain away my arm even if i wanted too..for some reason saying i fell just wouldnt cut it and you would have to be the dumbest person alive to even begin to believe that i got them from falling..falling on what?! ugh stupid me..i really do know better and i hate that i couldnt control it..and that does sound completely lame i guess...wanted to do it this morning and didnt ..it would have taken less than a minute to let the two of them leave me in the dining hall alone long enough to go and throw up what i had for breakfast but i didnt..i left with them so i couldnt do it..good grief it really sucks when i all i think about is what to eat and what not to eat..not to mention my nose keeps bleeding because i dont know but its weird and it hurts...guess im done complaining...

hmm

its been a crummy few days ..and hopefully soon ill be sleeping since i have to wake up so early in the morning..i did take meds though so at least i know ill sleep..i cleaned up and stuff so now only my room is a mess as usual..talked to nia tonight and its surprising how alike we are i guess..well she thinks mommy is crazy too at least..not that i told her what i thought about mommy..maybe one day ill actually tell nia whats going on or some of it at least..we hang out and stuff now..yea it helps one of us can drive but we get along..we have always gotten along but normally we just lived together and did what we had to do..now its like ok lets go and hang out and do something..weird..but anyway considering my miserable day im feeling better..my arm will hurt a lot tomorrow..could have tried harder not to cut...could have tried harder not to purge also..but i didnt really care so ill suffer and get over it..nothing to interesting to tell i guess..still worried..still stressed but theres nothing to do about it until i get paid and then just pay what i can as it comes..no other way i guess but it still doesnt make me feel better..but meds are kicking in so i guess im off to bed

sometimes i wonder if i want to get better..whatever better might be..i wonder if ive become so comfortable being off and alone and weird and crazy that ill never be able to find a way out thats not suicide...why did i go to therapy for so long when the choice wasnt mine but as soon as the option is left to me i cant get over being scared about it and not able to go back..i dont want to go back and i dont want to be prssured into going back i can feel myself starting to fall apart again..i know its happening and i dont know how to stop it..maybe i dont want to stop it because im so used to it..its comfortable in a way, i know what to expect and its nothing new..its just me..is it so wrong that i have a job and that i can take care of myself half way decently..yes i take care of myself at the lowest possible margin there is for it to still count as taking care of myself but i do it..recluctanly or not i do it..i dont think i want to die but im not completely sure i still want to be here either..things get hard and just go back to the same old habits that never manage to go away..but i can still function on a daily basis..so why should it matter if i throw away food to stop myself from eating or if i cut myself if it helps and im not hurting anyone...it doesnt make sense at all and its really hard trying to make it seem ok when i know its not..i just cant accept that its not ok and that im doing something i shouldnt be doing..funny i think im the only person who feels guilty for thinking about suicide...its not even a big deal because im to much of a coward to do anything but i feel horrible for not being able to handle the small stuff...and still even working where im at now im a picture of control and nothing bothers me..nothing gets to me and thats all that matters right? as long as i can keep up whatever charade it is im playing then it doesnt matter? how long will it be before someone really catches on that im not as ok as i seem all the time...who would i tell..better yet who would believe me?

maybe i dont want help. and its really that simple

depressing day

its been pouring rain all day long...ive just stayed in the house not really doing anything worth mentioning...dejected from purging yesterday for again no real reason other than having the idea in my head..talk shows are stupid ..watched tv, played with dusti, read part of a book..my usual boring day stuff..actually took the time to make dinner and wash the dishes..now im just waiting for it to finish cooking and watching some weird movie...maybe ill paint later i dont know..not really interested in doing much..have to do laundry a bit tomorrow and then back to work for a few days ...really starting to stress about bills and stuff..not cool

blah

im in a horrible mood and i dont really know why..i think bed is a good idea

wondering...stupid

im watching the tyra banks show and its on eating disorders today...and completely ignoring that i was purging like a week ago i still fully stand by my convictions that i dont have an eating disorder..so now that im thinking about it and cursing the st..upid show iwthout saying a word ill just like list my weird food habits and see..not to mention im worried about yvonne because she told me that well one shes in therapy and they want to put her on meds..i went to ecu therapy for almost a year and they never mentioned putting me on meds..given i would have said no anyway..i didnt do meds until i started at the mental health place and that didnt last either..its been mentioned well highly reccommended that i take meds..and i cant have the ones i want so i see no point in getting any at all... i killed my impluse control over the weekend when i fond out dee had vicodin from her surgery and it took every ounce of self control i had to not take some...when i looked at the bottle it was just like ok she has codine..and i didnt think about it much..later she was talking about how she had vicodin and i was like no you dont..i reread the bottle and well it was vicodin..just called something else..there was a bottle of vicodin sitting there and i looked at it for three days and still didnt take any..yet i still keep wondering if she will still have it in may when im back again..in may she wouldnt miss them if i borrowd like 2 or 3..but since she like just had surgery i couldnt take her meds..that wouldnt have been nice..but anyway umm yvonne told me they said she had disordered eating but not a full eating disorder because she didnt starve enough...and yvonne eats a bigger variety than i do..so what exactly does that make me? so im worreid about yvonne for a lot of reasons...so hmm after like an hour break and some stupid things and americas next top model is on!!! new season of its so exciting and my one good obession is back for another season! sure i use it to look at all the skinny girls and get jealous as i do every season..hmm forgot what i was talking about anyway..oh yea weird eating ok umm...not gonna number then because that would make it seem like a really long list
-stopped eating meat to lose weight if i really want to give my first reason
-i dont eat things i cant identify
-im not into models or anything but i watch antm like its a drug
-i watch antm to just see the skinny girls...quite entertaining
-i dont like many vegetables, pasta, rice..corn is not a vegetable and that is still disappointing
-i know how long i can fast before i give in
-i randomly keep track of everything i eat for weeks at a time and then stop like its no big deal
-i cant watch a movie anymore without making comments on who is thin and who isnt
-i stare at ppls bodies and compare
-i eat and throw up..planned and unplanned - but i can stop
-i hate eating in front of someone im not comfortable with
-i throw food away when i dont want it anymore like unopened groceries
-i waste a lot of food for no other reason than not wanting it
-ive taken ephedra it doesnt work for me
-ive taken other diete pills
-ive been asked if i would ever consider surgery to lose weight ..and i would prolly do everything but surgery ugh
-i cook and dont eat it
-i hate being watched while eating
and because im not really paying attention anymore i guess ill finish this later maybe if i remember and ive completely forgotten why i started writing this like 3 hours ago

maybe

im not selfish..maybe i am selfish ..i dont know..how is it that since i dont want to really give henry money that i can go back to being the most selfish person alive and i didnt even really say no..i didnt really say anything..and i should have figured out that once she found out i was even going to see him that it would turn into how much money can i give him...its her fault anyway that i have a gazillion bills to pay on cards i never used..and now i have them back and cant use them even if i wanted too..funny how having a job isnt that great after you realize how much junk there is to pay off..and once i pay off the stupid credit cards and throwing them away because i dont shop at the stores anyway and i dont need them ..i have to pay for my car and insurance and rent and all this little stuff that i wasnt really thinking about ..and i do wonder how it will be done...maybe it wont be so bad since i know i will pay them on time but still it sucks a lot...i have a few more months before i have to start paying back loans b ut not many and there are a million things i want to do and cant even figure out how ill save when everything is due at the same time and i get to watch my pay checks go to a million different things..its just not fair i et stuck with all of it when i didnt do any of it..i cant make plans when i dont know what i have and what i dont have..i could complain but it wouldnt make a difference..i could say i wont pay anything but that would just ruin whats left of my credit and its not much anyway...so ill just figure out what can be paid when and go from there..maybe somewhere along the line ill get some extra money and can still go to canada in may..that being said i still need a passport that ive looked into getting a million times and still havent done yet..it will be a lot of money to get one and still i would have to figure out bills first ..i can just see calling mommy and saying i cant pay bills because i had to get a passport and now i dont have any money..that would go over real well im sure...so i dont know..ill just have to wait and see and hope i get lucky at some point..

spent 8 hours or more on the road yesterday...2 hours going in the wrong direction to take yvonne back to greenville nc before i had to turn around and go to greenville sc..mommy started calling and swearing i was going in the wrong direction when i hadnt made it home yet..and she called and called checking on me until i was almost positive i was going in the wrong direction..even though it was the same way we had gone before and she even called wayne to check my directions..i would like to think i would be able to read and get places by myself..thats what mapquest is for..but obvisuoly im not and need to be checked until i start to freak out..not to mention i was completely stupid and lost my check card..wasted an hour looking for it and couldnt find it..went to the bank to report it missing before i left and had to have a new one ordered..i have no idea where its at and i checked every place i could think of where i might have put it..i remembered the last time i used it and i know i put it back in my car and then couldnt find it when i needed it..and it all around sucked big time..and most places dont take an out of town check..although it is fun writing a check to myself to be cashed at the bank..felt incredibly stupid for losing it in the first place when im usually so good at making sure i put it away so i dont lose it...so now i have to wait until i get the new one and im not even sure if its coming to sc or nc becasue i changed my address..all thats left is waiting and hoping it comesw here so i dont have to wait for mommy to send it to me

all the issues aside it was a nice trip home for the most part..spent the weekend with riley and harris and harris still comepletely takes over the bed when he shares it with me..i think he was glued to my side the whole night and we went to the movies and to the book store..talked to riley about bunches of stuff..cant believe he just turned 10! ive really been watching them for forever..dee is still postivie ill be moving back at some point so i can keep babysitting but soon they iwll be to old for babysitters anyway...so cool i got to see them..it was fun seeing my teachers and they all asked about my job and how i was liking it and when i was going to be doing grad school and when i was coming back to visit again...wont be until may but still it was nice seeing them...yvonne may be working at talisman this summer for a little while if she can..we went to lunch and shopping and to raliegh hence the 2 hour drive in the wrong direction...but it was fun..spent the night at her boyfriends house..and then we came back the next morning..and i hung around campus for a little while and found out i couldnt find my check card, went to the bank and then headed home...long weekend but not horrible i guess..and i guess i better get ready if i want to make it over to see henry before its dark and i completely want to miss the rush hour traffic ..it was horrible yesterday!

stupid

thats about all there is to say on that one .. long drive..im tiredand annoyed and ill write about it tomorrow maybe..now im just going to bed

silence

silence...i dont really know why im thinking of it now of all times but i am..its like well what is it exactly and how is it that someone can be taught not to speak..either accidently or intentional it happened and i think ill be stuck trying to work around it for the rest of my life..no one has ever really asked why i dont talk and the ones who did ask didnt do it in the right way and so it was easy and made sense at the time for me to just say i have nothing to say and so i dont talk..and that would be all fine and dandy if i didnt write a million things down and if i wasnt always going over conversations and things in my head...i think it things had turned out differently i would never shut up..so why silence..i was on a message board just reading through some things and got on a topic about therapy and what not..well im not against therapy at all..i see my kids struggle so hard to manage day to day stuff and some of them are in therapy..some of them are starting therapy while they are with us and like arran said..theres a difference in having trouble dealing with stuff and getting help for it and having trouble and not doing anything about it...i see them well some of them work hard to stay ok and be willing to go and try so hard to work on stuff and i guess im ashamed of myself for not trying harder to figure things out and to go and start seeing someone again...jealous too i guess since they are able to have someone just sit down and ask are they ok with this and if they want to go...i almost wish that stupid contract was still in effect but since ive graduated its not anymore..im old enough to take care of myself and i dont need to have someone make me do things since i hate it so much anyway..and it being left up to me just makes it suck so much because i really do just get scared and refuse to do anything with it...and if it gets bad enough and i really stress about it ill go back to having little panic attacks and refusing to get out of bed because doing anything makes me forget to breathe properly..no idea how i can get stressed enopugh to forget to breathe but i can and its seems so very stupid even writing about it now..but i dont really know how to explain the silence that kinda reufses to go anywhere..sometimes i want to talk so much it really does hurt..its like having a battle against myself to see how long i can keep quiet before i have to say anything...im asked quetions that i really can answer but then i start to doubt what i have to say and fear being wrong and getting in trouble and opt for the easy way out..if i dont say anything i cant get in trouble for anything..theres nothing to be yelled at for if its like i dont pay attention or dont listen..and then there are times when i could talk for days about everything that bothers me and its like i cant...i start to say something and i have to stop before anything comes out because ebcause im afraid ill be in trouble or hated or because once i say it then i cant t ake it back or something and then ill just be in more trouble...and sometimes it kinda feels like there really is something stopping me from saying anything at all...all these words are trapped behind something and just refuses to give an inch ever and they will never come out..always stuck ..them being stopped gives me time to think about what i want to say vs what i can say...they are never the same thing..i can take out whats not right or safe or good or proper or whatever and make it so its ok to say it..and still sometimes its not good enough..and i still get stuck and cant figure anything out..so i dont know and i dont really think ive even figured out what i set out to figure out..just kinda rambled on and on about nothing..so i guess im going to bed...long day of driving tomorrow since im in raliegh now with yvonne and have to take her back to greenville nc tomorrow before heading back to sc...2 hours in the wrong direction tomorrow morning but oh well..it was a fun day

dream

hmmm dream this morning..been thinking about it off and on but cant really figure it out...brief synopsis...uh we are in an apartment i think because its too small to be a house..and its me and henry and nia and its the middle of the night...i wake up when someone starts banging on the front door..i go and look in the peephole thingy and theres like a guy outside and then theres a gun pointing at the door and i run into a different room..i dont open the door and im trying to get nia and henry and call the cops and of course the cops dont answer the phone and i cant get anyone...i can hear the person shooting at the door trying to get inside and im still trying to get them to move and go hide..i think i finally got them into this weird room or closet or something..and the front door caves and there are three guys i think coming into the house...something happens to me since im the dork not hding but i dont really know what..its was one of those something really bad is going to happen if you stay asleep moments...i woke up i was told if you get killed in a dream it doesnt mean you die in real life...im not sure i really believe that when it really seems like im an inch from death and nothing is going to save me and there is no help anywhere near me..so i dont know..no idea where the dream came from but id just rather it went away again.. and where in the heck is help when you need it?! ive decided dream cops are big losers

hmm other news..made it home in one piece..a rather long and boring drive too..but for the record it is nota good idea to play in traffic while speeding..and i really dont see how or why people try to argue out of getting a speeding ticket?! i know when im speeding and i know why im speeding and i ddont really bothering slowing down unless i have to but i only speed on the highway..but if i had been stopped i would have deserved that ticket 100% and there would have been no way out of it at all..maybe its just fun or something i dont know..

quiet day

it hasnt been an interesting d ay at all..chilled out and wasted most of the day doing nothing until boredom got the best of me and i ran to walmart to get some stuff..and filled up the car for tomorrow since not many gas stations are open 24 horus anymore ..and washed the car and i really need to find out how to get the front window cleaner because car washes just dont really do it...but its cleaner at least..and got lunch and all that fun stuff that wastes time...hmmm feeling better than yesterday at least..did the boring task of washing my hair and its still getting lighter and i dont know why..im not even really doing anything different and its still lightening..my hair looks incredibly red now..completely weird and unexplainable i guess...but the other night we went to the nature center with the kids to the wolves presentation and howling thingy..it was really quite cool and the wolves were up and about but wouldnt howl back at us ..the coyote did though! and the bobcats and the cougar was up and about when we went by and it was really cool...ive decided i want to wolf cubs along with all my other exotic animals i want and will never get...but it was a lot of fun..a pain i nthe butt getting there but we got there and mostly on time too..dusti is enjoying climbing all over everything in the apartment and it didnt take her long at all..i dont mind but i guess if someone else was here they may have a problem with dusti like hanging out on the table! so ill so work on that uh over the summer or something!

fall into nothingness

all of it goes back to the same question...hwo far am i willing to let thing go before stopping them? how out of hand does it have to get before i start to care again..what do i have to do to care again..and i know exactly what im doing but i dont really see how to stop any of it..and i dont really know when i crossed the line again and let it all start over..the last couple days have been miserable and i just didnt know how to handle what happened at all...i can even go as far as to say that it happened only because the kid hadnt been taking his medicine for a couple days..not our fault but he couldnt take them because we didnt have them...he blew up all day long and it just so happened that me taking his dreamcatcher from him was the last straw to all of it..jim stepped in after the yelling got started but still what was said cant b e taken back at all..there doesnt seem to be any point at all in bringing all of it up again because its almost like it didnt happen at all..and it just makes it worse because i cant let it go completely..i dont let any of it go completely and all the same im sick and tired of being called everything but my name...its getting old really fast..and its not like its just me or anything because its not..we all get treated like we dont matter at all by some of the kids..and maybe jim and sam and addy and jon know how to deal with it and let it go better than i can..i think about it all the time and cant figure out a way to do it or how to do it or even the point of doing it..its like if i hear it enough then its back to being true..and i dont really care how nice i am or that i dont yell or anything..im still a horrible person and that doesnt seem to be able to change at all...i know if it really came down to it i could tell jim what im thinking, i could tell jon or anna or even aaron buut it wouldnt help..and i wouldnt do that to them anyway..they all have neough to worry about without me adding on to there problems..so what do i do? easy enough i guess if i thought about it..sensible stuff aside what am i going to do? i really want to say i dont know but its fairer to say i just dont care..all day ive been thinking about what i want to do and all of it has something that will hurt in one way or another..i dont say anything and then cant deal with any of it and then just think about all the time until i couldnt make it go away even if i wanted too..systematically going through and throwing away all the food i have in the apartment because i dont want it..im back to thinking about how long i can get away with not eating before jim catches on and he will catch on first just because i work with him and we eat three times a day at work..i could just leave it at dieting and it wouldnt be a big deal at all...but i dont happen to know how to just diet..its either dont eat or eat and throw up..and not that it would be hard to purge i dont want to do it at work..because the kids dont know how to clean and the bathrooms are always gross no matter how much we make them clean them..i carry razors in my coat all the time..dont use them and havent for a couple weeks i think but i still carry them around..march 1st is si awareness day..have to remember that..not that it makes a difference in anything but i just want to remember...one of the kids questioned the scars on my arm the other day...cant say i wasnt expecting it because i was ubt i wasnt expecting him to just say well it looks like you used to cut yourself when i asked where he thought they came from..good for me i was looking directly at him while i was talking to him because he was just working hard at annoying me anyway..and i never got around to agreeing with any of the ideas he came up with about how i got them..i let him go until he changed topics..and its not like i had any good way to tell him to mind his business..i guess it all really gets around to being that i dont like myself much right now and thats about all ...and then i get to think about why i have to be so good at hiding it..jon said i was a brick wall and that whatever is said just bounces off of me...i thought about telling him how wrong he was but he wouldnt have believed me ..nothing bothers me..nothing ever bothers me and im fine and happy and fine

-

im a horrible person..i cant seem to excape that much...


im tired of being called mean and selfish by a bunch of kids that are a step away from being sent to juvie and cant see a good thing when it hits them..

today sucked horribly ..and im left ignoring one kid completely because if i dont ill do something i really regret..not to mention with them its like my not swearing is the oddest thing ever..and im still waiting for an apoligy for what i was called today that still has me incredibly upset and a lot quieter than i usually am..not happy at all right now and was close to crying earlier...jim jumped in and made him leave and stood up for me before i really got around to understanding what had been said...jon came and took over also so that i wouldnt be left dealing with it later..and its not over at all...of all the kids to not have meds why in the world did they have to lose his?! just to make my life miserable it seems..and i know that in this job i cant let there comments get to me so much but maybe im still too new at it or something and i just havent learned to let go of whats said without dwelling on it..the im so mean comments i dont care about because well if they think im mean then they havent experienced much in the world at all..but after today im just kina stuck questioning everything and things are not looking great right now at all...i hope im feeling better tomorrow..and if not at least i get to go home on wed..thats prety uch all i want right now..and talking myself out of cutting..back to thesame old stuff

i should write

since im just laying on the floor playing online and not doing anything i figured this would be the perfect time to catch up and figure out what in the world im doing...that being said im not really doing anything worth talking about..mostly just hanging out at home watching tv and playing on the computer now...did some shoping yesterday and took my car to have it looked at today and tomorrow im going to the movies and then well back to work on saturday..and then im off for 2 weeks starting wed..and going home for the weekend and thats about all...mostly just to see riley and harris and yvonne but im going visiting all the same...a bit quiet in the aapartment with just me here but im alright with it for the most part..increidbly upset that ive been purging again..not a lot but purging all the same ..hmm other than that things are peachy

beyond tired

i think ive found the step that comes after being so tired you cant think straight anymore...and things are just weird right now feelingwise...today things have been off with the kids since they got up this morning and i didnt help matters at all by waking up in a bad mood..and not that i took it out on them but i didnt let up this morning and if they didnt listen to me i called issues on them..kinda simple kinda not so simple..and things just went downhill from there...one thing after another with them...so many blowups and i was outside talking to one and two others were sent outside..ones inside are crying and freaking out from all the yelling and screaming and ive talked so much today i just never want to say another word again...maybe today counts as break through days for some of them but still for some its like talking to a brick wall and not being able to make leway at all.its always to same old stuff and i have no idea what i can say to get things into his head and make him listen to me or anyone else for that matter..but its nice to have a challenge i guess and after listening to the small group of ones who cant behave say they hate us and that the program and yada yada yada...what are they going to go home and tell there parents? what will they take away from the program and use later in life..because i had the you can graduate high school and go to college talk tonight and its so weird having those types of conversations when i just graduated and have no clue about life and real life stuff..im glad wed will be here and its just one more day and even with all the blow ups..one of the kids really said that the 2 hour group we had before lunch with all of the blow ups was one of the best he had been in...once all the kids causing problems were removed the rest of the group had the chance to talk and its really hard and not fair i guess hearing the ones who feel like they arent getting attention because staff is constantly one one of the other kids cases...and they are so right..we cant focus on them when i am always telling one of them to stop or calm down or to get away from the group and collect themselves...its not fair to them at all..but it things to work on...hmm im feeling a bit more confident though about things i guess..i have to kee preminding myself that just because they say they hate me it doesnt mean they really hate me..considering two hours later we are laughing and playing games and watching movies...they just dont know how to get out frustration at all...and its so good seeing who is really trying and so annoying seeing who isnt...i also had the your wasting your time and ours speech, you can control yourself speech, you dont deserve to be in the group speech and the i dont hate you speech...its been a long night..and oh some time soon i will be getting myself a very very big mixed drink and going off to sleep for a couple days...i told jim i was going to run away for the three days im off so i guess its too bad i have no where to go...im still waiting to go home till the end of the month and that will be a good break...geting away completely will be nice even if it is just for a few days..and im really missing riey and harris and my teachers and yvonne..and so yea ill see how it goes..funny how taking a shower in the sm can really change a persons perspective..not to mention so many of the kids are sick, im sick, jims sick, jon is sick..what ever it is is going around horribly and its rather miserable in a way..but i did get some new movies recently and finally got a copy of finding neverland! we are finishing up narnia tonight and that will be really cool since its my movie anyway..but im going to bed as soon as i can..for some reason being here really doesnt work for my sleeping patterns and i always get 8 or so hours of sleep and its feels like i get 4 or 5...ive decided the kids are little energy leeches and they suck me dry in less than a day..no matter how much rest i get while im off its like i never rested at all by dinner that day...it sucks in a lot of ways but it also makes me realize im going to have to do a better job of taking care of myself but im not really sure how...i take care of everyone else and now its becoming obvious i have to learn to take care of myself or ill crash and burn really quickly..and that makes me worry

thinking

im getting comfortable here...i like where i live and i like where i work..and of course i like getting paid...but if i get to comfortable when will i know its time to leave and go and do other stuff..when will i decide to go back to school and where will i go...will i get to travel before or after?..will i pick up and move states again? will i stay with aspen or go work somewhere else? will i be asked to go and work on starting up other programs? will i even be alive to figure it all out? i was comfortable in greenville nc and fought hard with being ok about moving when it became pretty obvious i would have to...and now ive moved and im starting to be ok and learn my way around and figure out where things are...i know i wont be moving anytime soon but everytime i think about it im sure ill just stay here and never move again...and thats being completely unrealistic any number of things could make it so that i would have to move..maybe i will even want to move i dont know....even staying with aspen gives me a lot of choices for where i want to go out side of talisman..there are programs in ny, oregon, and utah and more programs are made every year..the one in ny over the summer is just getting started like the semester program that im with..and the ways its going they are going to keep the semester program..it will get bigger and grow to different states too...even though i like it small i know its good if it can grow...where will i pick to go to school at for my masters? ecu is the logical choice but isnt it a good idea to go to a different school in a different state just for the experience?...but if prof dunn and dr bass and dr bunch and all my teachers i like are still at ecu why not go back there? ok thats an easy one because its not the same type of challenge going back to them...its not like starting over i guess ...but they believed in me when i didnt not that i do now but thats not the point...i dont want to go back to greenville nc...not to live..not for school...i liked it there because i knew my wway around...and im not going back to school anyway until ive figured my head out and that could take years at the rate im going...i thought about it a lot during my last semester...i cant deal with being in any masters program now or anytime soon...getting out of the undergrad program took all of my energy...i cant forget all the weekends i didnt do anything but stay in bed or stay in the apartment not doing anything because i was completely paranoid or completely depressed...i just kinda knew going to the masters program now would have been a huge mistake and a huge waste of money..not to mention im pretty sure i would have had to do another contract and that i never ever want to do again..so ill wait for now and just maybe see what happens...even after getting my masters i can still work with aspen...addy asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up...i havent finished growing up yet..maybe i never will but for now there really isnt anything to do but wait