blah

soooo im going to work tonight ..joy..im feeling really quite miserable right now ..woke up early and then went back to sleep eventually for a few hours and now im up and feeling completely weird for some reason...went to the office and told them a bout the sink and if they dont come today then they said they will come on wed when im back...but everything is cleaned up not counting my room that keeps managing to attract a million and a half sets of clothes that just migrate out of the closet and onto the floor...we are hiking and rock climbing tomorrow and all the kids are there ..its not supposed to be a bad hike or way long or anything but im just not interested in much right now..

i i

i dont think there is a word in the dictonary that can really explain how stupid and ashamed of myself im feeling right now..i just cant stop calling myself stupuid ..something told me not to throw up in the kitchen..right before i started and i didnt listen to my head and what happens?! the sink breaks and sudddenly everything is all over the floor and under the sink...the whole disposal thing just kinda fall out and i cant fix it..i have to tell the office tomorrow and then im going back to work on saturday and if they cant fix it what then?! im going to be in so much trouble..i cant calm down i cant think..i just want it to be ok and its not ..its far far far from being ok and its all my fault..i used to think getting caught throwing up would be the worst thing that could happen and well i was wrong.. completely and utterly wrong and now look where its gotten me..completely stupid and useless and ugh..im not happy at all right this minute and really really close to crying..im afraid to use to water abut i have to so i can finish cleaning up..i shouldnt complain because its my fault..and the cleaning up part i dealt with in all its grossness but having to tell them the sink is broken im not looking forward too ..i dont know how to handle it..i just i just cant beelieve this happened..i really cant ...i cant seem to get the throw up smell off of me and its freaking me out..good grief if i was looking for a sign i seem to be getting all of them at the same time ! could i have a bigger sign above my head that just screams look at what i managaed to screw up..stupid stupid stupid..maybe if i yell at myself enough it will somehow become more bearable..but im not holding out much hope on that one

woke up early this morning and found the library as planned..and then just hung out at home since it was kinda miserable weather today and im still not really comfortable with driving in the rain but whatever.. nothing to interesting to talk about though..made some changes to my blog..i like it and think its a nice change..kinda different and stuff ..actually gave in and went to the grocery store to pick pu some food...spent forever wandering around trying to figure out what i could get..and what i actually got is so different from everything i wanted..i bought apple jelly for reasons i dont know and now im not even sure i want to eat it..i dont know why i talked myself into wanting it so much! but now im just wondering if ill let it sit in the fridge for forever or actually get around to talk to myself into eating it..prolly never but oh well maybe it wont be forever..but if nothing else jim will find it funny as heck! jon called me this morning at like 8..ppl really need to stop calling me at 8 in the morning..mommy called at 7:30 yesterday and didnt even ask why i was up that early..at least jon was a bit sorry about calling so early...but we just talked about whether i was coming in early tomorrow or not and if i had talked to jim about it yet..and we eventually got around to what in the world i was doing up so early and i told him i was watching cartoons..since i was..and he asked if i was hanging cereal and i asked him if he was crazy! who can watch cartoons without having cereal to go along with it duh ... but it was amusing if nothing else..i still suck on the phone but whatever

just a day

ive traded cutting for purging currently...im completely worried about going to therapy and then not making a decision on it...im worried that linda will figure out what it is i do to myself and fire me because im crazy..i cant tell jim because maybe he wont want to work with me anymore..and i cant not have a job..so i keep quiet and keep suffering in a bunch of ways...ive given in and decided i will go and look for the library tomorrow because i want to know where its at and i want some new books to read..might as well let myself escape the free way..but getting lost still worries me and i finally picked on going early just to find it and then going back later once i know the way..im tired and have a headache right now..still annoyed i didnt try harder to throw up lunch but i knew better than forcing it today at least..i think ill paint today..maybe it will help..maybe it wont but i need something to do for right now...i really want to go tothe movies and im trying hard not too..i spent over 5 hours in the movie theatre last week! because i didnt want to have to go back home...and yep there are a million movies i want to see but i cant just keep spending money to hang out at the movies..

finally im off again for a few days...im sorry i was upset earlier when sam asked if i would come in early again..i dont want to come in early and i hate being asked because i want to help but especially in the middle of a trip i dont like it..and we are backpacking and rockclimbing on this one..its not long but still..so i didnt give a definite answer but im sure if i was asked again it would turn into a yes ...drainned completly and so very tired right now but unable to sleep. constantly going over whats been going on at work with the kids and then just want is always going on in my wonderful head..there doesnt seem to be a break anywhere..i found out today that mommy is trying to talk nia into coming andvisiting me..and i dont mind but she would be suck here in the apartment for like three days while im working and unable to come home and she cant drive so its not even like she could borrow the car...dont know about that.. im trying to figure out money and work and scheduling so much and its just confusing..i had a kid flat out tell me he doesnt get along with me or jim and that its better with the other two counselors..im like well to bad for you we arent going anywhere! but its so stupid..they tried hard to put the two sets of us against each other but now they know we tell each other exactly what goes on each shift change! i guess its just going to happen that some may like one set over the other and we are really different too..so i have to work at not letting it bother me so much..still really on edge i guess about the restraint stuff again..i hate when the kid blows up and makes it a point to get as many of the others upset and on edge too..the kids are going to bed and the one kid just refuses to leave the cabin and starts yelling and screaming and trying to get them to get up and help him..he seems to not realize that the group as a whole doesnt trust him anymore..they didnt help..they got upset and half my attention was on the kid being restrained and the otoher half is being spilt up trying to keep the rest in bed and calmed down and letting them know it will be ok...and i couldnt even move since i was holding on to his feet to stop him from trying to kick me..and even with all of it going on i couldnt focus..it all felt really detached because this was the first time i was asked to help..normally i just watch and help by talking to the kid without really restraining him..and even though the other counselor had him restrained and put up with all the biting and scratching he told the kid to stop trying to kick me..even when things are all over the place im still the one thats is protected from as much of it as possible...i dont know how it works out like that..and yes we are the youngest there..but most of the time we can hold our own but still there is someone there to protect us and make sure we are ok..and it happens now?! not when we were growing up..i end up with protectors when im supposed to be old enough to take care of myself..i dont get it i guess..does it look like i need to be protected? does it really show that im so young? realistically i know its not really any o fthose because at first they all thought i was older..im still the mature and responsible one..i take what is handed to me without freaking at all..i deal with all the changes and issues and arguments and being called horrible names without yelling ot blowing up at the kids..and still i know that if it comes down to anything the rest of the staff would look out for me..and i dont know what ive done to get that kinda of support i guess..even though they know almost nothingabout me and i havent shared much they still put up with me and the way i am and act..they dont question the scars on my arms or tell me to grow up or take away the disney movies we have watched a million times with the kids..maybe thats what bothers me so much im so used to doing something before anything is given to me...i dont get how things just happen when ive done nothing special..nothing different..why like me or protect when ive done nothing to deserve it?

wishes

wishes
-to be happy
-to be loved
-to understand what love is
-to travel anywhere
-to live in alaska
-to have a baby penguin umm yea lol
-to have enough money so that there is nothing to worry about
-to not be afraid
-to go back to my old therapist
-to go back to my teachers
-to get my msw
-to learn to trust without fear
-to be perfect without killing myself
-to be thin without killing myself

hmm thats all i can think of right now...

decided it was better to get out of the house instead of staying home because i wasnt in a great mood...went to the movies and saw the last mimzy and reign over me..both good ..but now im back at home and still feeling horrible...found out im working with addy tomorrow and that is making me a bit nervous but it shouldnt be so bad...i hope..i hope im feeling better tomorrow..i dont know..how weird is it to actually miss therapy..oh well i guess..maybe ill feel better tomorrow

-

my head hurts..my arm hurts..another miserable day..borrowed more money from mommy because there was no way out of it..i cant stay inside today because i feel like ill ujst drive myself crazy..maybe ill just give in and go to the movies i dont know..im not happy..im not anything right now..just waiting for things to get better and its not..everything is just wrong

some adult im turning out to be..i cant do anything right ..i dont even have my watch anymore to hide my wrist..stupid me

zoo

tired

i think my lack of sleeping has finally caught up with me..im so tired and of course only i can fall asleep so late in the day and then wake up just to watch a show..i just want to sleep away the day tomorrow..im still so annoyed..and cant believe ive actually decided i can once again live without internet..everything just sucks

upset

i really cant believe mommy actually told me i need to manage my money better...all ive donr for the past two weeks is worry about money after she told me my insurance was going up by a lot ...im back to figuring out what i have to give up to make up extra money somewhere...its so annoying that im left with nothing and i have to plan out what i can pay before i even get my pay check! ive done nothing but pay bills with my last check..ill do nothing but pay bills with this check..and its not fair...so much for being able to take care of myself..i cant even pay bills..mine or not i cant pay then and its so annoying because i hate paying late and i try to pay as much as i can on some of them but its like it doesnt even matter...i asked mommy to put money in my account because well i cant buy food or gas since i have to pay bills and that money isnt even really going for food..just gas and more bills..after stressing for a while trying to figure out what to give up and what not to give up i dont like what ive decided..if i want to save anything something has to go and theres really no way around that..so its come to well food for one thing..but i have to cancel internet and cable...i cant afford to keep it and its like almost painful knowing im going to lose my two biggest distractions..it sucks so much and i know im being completely shallow worrying about not having internet when there are millions of ppl with a lot less than i have..but it still sucks all the same..after i pay the bill ill just go ahead and cancel it and thats that...no sense freaking out about it..grow up and get a brain and just deal with it right...finally after asking for months mommy has mentioned taking henry off of my phone bill and letting me go back to having it on my own..it wasnt a good idea when i mentioned it but when she comes up with it the stupid thing is all fine and dandy..this morning i get a letter saying i owe 100 dollars i dont have and i dont get why so i have to figure that out tomorrow...on top of everything else i have to worry about..i cant do this..its like i work just to turn around and pay bills and still have no money..i couldnt do anything even if i wanted to..i cant save when im still slacking on paying everything and if i have to start paying back loans soon what will i do then when i dont even have extra money right now?! life sucks and i hate it..im doing everything im supposed to do short of dying and still i cant do anything right..and i really hate asking mommy for money because then she starts hinting that ill have to loan her more when she needs it..i tell her i dont have any and its like well then you need to save and manage your money ...i wanted to scream when she told me that...i left my checkbook at home this morning before i realized i needed gas and couldnt get any money out of the bank..i still dont have my check card yet and i have to use checks to get cash..i was half way to talisman this morning when i had to turn around...my watch is dead and i need another one..freaked and cut my wrist this morning..calmed me down enough to let me make it to work and do what i had to do..nothing more..now im at home again doing everything possible to make myself sick without actually doing it..i just want to go to bed..sleep for the next two weeks...it sucks

ugh
completely lost my last post ..i just want to scream

finally home again..

so im home again for the most part...not really off of work right now but i was worried about dusti a lot and we were gone for such a long time..i wouldnt have been able to relax if i hadnt come and check on her and because of everything that happeneed on the trip i wasnt sure i would be able to just up and leave as soon as the other staff came on ...so here i am at home and not asleep..its going to be really hard having to get back up in like 4 hours so i can go back to work in time to wake the kids up and get them ready..im really glad jim was ok with letting me leave..prolly cas i let him take us to the orchid nursery place and was bored out of my mind but stayed anyway! it took about 12 hours to get back today from the outer banks...and when i saw the sign for hendersonville at like 9 tonight i really thought i was going to cry..11 days with no break is really way to long to be with them..and im just worried a lot right now because of everything that happened while we were away..while working it was easy to deal with it as much as possible with the kids and just forget about it..but without the excuse to work i know e verything i put off dealing with will start popping back up and ill have a few days to worry and stress and make a mess of things...and tomorrow will just be hard because it will be talking to linda and everyone about the whole cop fiassco..that freaked me out more than anything else and the fact that they followed us for the rest of the day...the kid it was about didnt care..he doesnt care it happened ..he doesnt care about all the trouble he caused and how much danger he had the group in trying to jump out of the van while it was moving..thankfully i locked the doors when he started acting out..it was horrible and im completely used to seeing him restrained at camp i guess and it worries me but theres its easier to deal with..this time he was on the side of the road being restrained in broad daylight after he wouldnt calm down and started biting ...didnt think that someone would see and call the cops..we were already on our way again when we were pulled over and first thought of course was speeding ..second thought was you have got to be kidding me and someone called the cops..geez we must have looked completely crazy sitting with and then restraining a kid on the side of the road..ugh..the cops talked to m and jim and the kid and they let us go..i of course freaked out more when i couldnt get anyone in the office to pick up the phone and i couldnt get anna or jon or anyone to let them know what happened until afterwards..and the whole thing just really sucked and its the second time in less than a month the cops have been involved with this kid..that issue being at the top of a million things that didnt go as planned on this trip..the good news we made it back with all of them in one piece and realativley okay..bad news..there were so many different things to deal with between them and then having horrible camp sites..we were under flood warnings and winter weather advisories and some of the kids didnt have the right clothes for the weather..one kid being in shorts and sandals for the better part of the trip becasue he didnt pack what he needed..it was so annoying getting them out there and then finding out half of them are missing clothes and jackets and that we dont have all the food we were suppsoed to have or we ahve run out of fuel and have to go and find some..or the tents and sleeping bags and clothes are all soaked completely have two days of freezing rain and all of them want to slee on the van...i could have hurt jon myself when we got to one of the camp sites and found out it was barely big enough for the three tents and ten ppl and covered in mud..and to make it better we were right next to train tracks! that trains actually used..oh i was so mad especially when we have the one kid completely obssessed with trains! and the older boys and there bright ideas decided it would be fun to go and explore the traintracks..oh fun with that one and then having to spend the next two days keeping the youngest away from them...our trip could be divided into what days we went to the grocery store and it really was almost every other day for a while ..we missed out on almost 2 days in dc because they werent listening to us at all and we refused to take them anywhere until all of them had come and talked to us about what was going on with them..they were antsy, i was antsy and when it was looking like we would be there for two full days i thought i was going to go crazy...jim made me leave for a couple hours and go and of course find a grocery store and just hang out for a while and i was more nervous about leaving and driving a 15 passenger van than anything else but i did it and made it to the store and back in one piece and did ok driving it ..went a bit slower than usual since i didnt know the area and had no idea where i was going and i had never driven anything that big before...there were issues with them wetting there sleeping days and then refusing to take showers daily when it became impossible to even be around them at all..i spent hours doing laundry and drying out wet sleeping bags and only got one thank you..i was called mean for not heling one girl stuff her sleeping bag or help her pack and for banning the other girl from helping her, i was called a jerk for demanding one kid take a shower becasue he smelled bad..i was called selfish and told i hated them more times than i can remember..its like they really ignore everything it is we do for them..basic needs aside..there were arguments over food and campfires and stupid things..and it was just stressful andtiring more than anything else..there was no escape at all and it was either laugh or cry and never stop..im so glad to be back..but bad stuff aside we did have good times..we hung out in raliegh and dc, jamestown, and the outer banks..we went to the zoo and saw the butterfly gardens and the tigers and lions and the baby meerkat and baby panda, we went to an atique shop and jamestown and hung out in downtown willamsburg in va, we went to the aquariaum in the outer banks and countless boring museums ..we were lost in dc and almost ran out of gas...the keys were locked in the van and me and jim spent countless nights sleeping in various places on the van after telling the kids that it was impossbile for them to sleep in the van...we rode through jamestown island and went to see the glassblower..and that was really cool..i have been upgraded to almost parent status with one of the kids after he sat with me in the imax movie we saw..i put my arm around him and he had his arm around me..and since then he was been rather intent on knowing what im doing and where im going...we played tag for hours a couple nights in a row..i burned a picnic table and jim talked them into taking pictures of it!! oh that sucked and i swear it wasnt me..i spent one night dropping baked potatoes into the campfire because i didnt know what i was doing trying to pick them up out of the fire with sticks..i was poked and pinched and tickled to death on st patricks day because i wasnt wearing green and jim made sure to point it out every chance he got and i was the one who reminded him st patricks day was coming anyway! me and the older boys had countless talks about food, movies, cartoons, and the art of batman and his inabilty to fly so he therefore sucks and is not a uspoer hero..we talked about houses and places to visit, we talked about my love of spaghetti o's and when we went to the grocery store i made a point of going and finding some and showing them although i didnt get any..i was endlessly picked on about the burnt picnic table and my cooking style when we grilled out...and i didnt mind and it was fun and it kept everyone relaxed as much as possbile so whatever..i pick on them back about silly things and its ok..but really the past couple days everything has just been on autopilot..i didnt care what i said or did..i just wanted to be away from them..my patience was gone and it was really hard not reacting to every little thing that went on. i just want tomorrow to be ok with linda and getting the rest of the trip stuff squared away so i can come home and just sleep for a good while..i cant relax just yet..im not sure i really will..im to worried about how i will react to everything once it all comes crashing down on me..without work to put it off there really is nothing holding it back and it really has me worried...dusti my main reason for coming home is alive and well..lonely but okay...plenty of food and water and nothing is broken so i say she managed herself fairly well while i was gone..and now i do feel a bit better about that...since ill be gone again for a while next month but at least everyone is going on that trip...we are splitting up the time there..a week on and a week off and already im worried a bit about it

i just hate everything right now..im so upset that i lost my check card..it sucks and i went to the bank this morning and the stupid computers werent working and i cant do anything about it..i have to wait and hope that they are fixed before the day is over..i cant get anything done that i needed to today..it sucks

just

im just really tired today..tired of everything..not feeling good and worrying a lot about the usual stuff..tomorrow im thinking of going to the movies but now i cant figure out what i want to see..cant see both and i cant pick one...found out from mommy that my insurance is going up..i almost wish i couldnt drive..its a huge waste of money and it just overall sucks...if i ever get another car i want a regular car..not an suv..ugh..dont know why ive been picking at all of my food today..maybe im just not feeling good..cant figure out what i want and dont want what i fix..systematically end up throwing it all away..paid mommies bills online today because she cant use a computer..went to the store and found the filter i was looking for..paid my rent..and tomorrow i have to do laundry so i can pack..and then back to work..and out of town for a good while..

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are passionate, romantic, and emotional. You put love first in your life, even though you have often been disappointed by it. You expect to be swept of your feet, and you never expect infatuation to die out. Underneath it all, you are scared that you aren't lovable. Your insecurity has ruined many relationships, as you are unable to see the love that's really there. You are secretly afraid of being alone. Confronting your insecurities is incredibly painful.

What's the Part of You That No One Sees?

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are innocent, sweet, and young at heart. You present a purity that many people find appealing. However, you are often tired of people treating you like a child. Underneath it all, you enjoy being babied and pampered. You have been known to feign inexperience to get out of sticky situations. You fear getting old and losing your childlike charms.

What's the Part of You That No One Sees?

its after 1 in the morning and im still awake...getting tired though so thats good at least...went to the store and got groceries..still a bit leary with eating but im trying becasue i can not purge at work again..not cool..so besides sleeping tons today ive done nothing with the day really..not disappointing but its weird coming from work and being able to waste days at a time before having to go back and actually be productive...no idea what ill do tomorrow but it prolly wont be interesting in the slightest since im trying not to go anywhere until i actually want to put gas in my car and im holding off until thursday maybe friday before i do that..trying to decide if i want to go to the movies or not..ill wait until i see what my pay check is and then decide...bills ahve to paid and everything and that has to come before i start playing with money..and the way things are looking all money will be going to bills..blah..maybe somewhere in there ill get extra and be able to start saving..nothing big but i just want to save..id rather not watch all my money get eaten up by bills..so ill see..i really did waste more of my first check last month than i needed too..so i had my fun and now its time to really get things in order..hmm its too late to be reflective im going to be

interesting concept

well im home now for a few days...just woke up after seriously wasting the day away sleeping..gotta love taking a five hour nap in the middle of a day..and now im just not feeling together at all..more like just spacey and in my own little world..its been so long since ive taken a nap during the day and i should have remembered not to sleep for so long...but anyway..prolly really needed the sleep and ill prolly sleep tons the next few days to make up for not sleeping while we are on our trip..although i am excited about going to dc and the outer banks..not really interested in jamestown or yorktown though but going all the same..ten days without a break..well eleven days without a break..thinking about it really is overwhelming and it makes me nervous..but we are leaving a day early and going white water rafting and that i am excited for!!and it will be on a new place that we didnt go to last summer...so cool..although i am a little worried about falling out.but i always worry aabout that..so will see how it works out...checked the bank today and thankfully my last bill didnt overdraft since i got back the money i used on the bus yesterday and got to take it to the bank ...that i was glad for because it was making me so so so nervous...my car insurance is completely screwed up right now and mommy is trying to fix it since im not there and cant do anything about it..i hate paying for insurance..mostly because its so high since i just got my license...its not fair i have to pay almost 200 dollars i think its a wate of money and if i would stop speeding it wouldnt even be a huge issue...but whatever..deal with it and forgot about it...hmm sucked royally and b/p at work..not really binged but purged all the same..couldnt sleep last night..weird dreams that i dont remember..i kept waking up and just waiting for it to be time to wake up so i could stop faking sleep...dusti has been taking being on her own fairly well...i am a bit worried about leaving her for almost 2 weeks though...i know she will be ok but it jst seems like it will be forever before i come back home again..and then ill be gone for almost two weeks in april when we are in fla...lots to think about..i have to figure out what i need so i can pack for the trip thats saturday and do tons of laundry i let slack off..

but anyway back to what i was thinking about yesteerday..as i was on the bus so tired i couldnt even think straight..no idea why i was even so tired yesterday...but we had guests yesterday from one of the other aspen programs and a couple parents who are considering the program for next semester for there kids..and we had lunch with them and it was like ok be on your best behaviors ..insert rolled eyes here because the kids where well the usual way they are guests or no guests..but for some reason i was watching jon talk with the parents and its like the program runs because of us not the program managers..the 4 of us deal with the kids 24hrs a day for days at a time and the managers only have them a few hours a day 5 days a week..and even then we are still there dealing with behaviors and helping with school work..we deal with all the big stuff and we are the ones that work on behaviors and go back and forth between making them incredibly mad at us and letting them have a good time doing whatever..the program could be run almost without the program managers because its not really about them..but it couldnt be run without the counselors...and hearing the parents bring there kids back and get so many thank yous and hearing how happy the parents are with the progress their kids have made was shocking..maybe since im just always there and get so annoyed with some of them and sometimes it does feel like we are getting no where with them and their parents come and say they can see the changes in their kid just from the two months they have been here...i asked jim about it yesterday and he agreed that we do more with the kids about than the program managers..weird i never really thought i would be an impact on anyone..and sometimes it does feel like im being incredibly mean to them but never unfair...sure i dont like talking to the parents about there kids and i think the world would be a better place as long as i never have to do it but i could if i had too...so just interesting all of it...one of the parenst asked if iwas staying over the summer and for next session and i said i was..im fine with where im at for now..ive decided i want to stay for a couple years before going back to school and maybe at some point in there ill go back to therapy so ill be able to handle grad school with out freaking..simply known becuase i freaked out last night while we were doing our annoying social skills group..which was something as easy as personal space and inappropriate touch..didnt think it would bother me at all but we started talking about eye contact and the kid who usually takes things personally started to blow up and i just walked out because he was onlny hearing what he wanted to hear ..and once again he wasnt listening completely or even seeing what the big picture was and it really bothered me..so i got up and left..paced outside for almost 20 minutes and only went back in because it wasnt fair to leave jim with all of them...so i went back and tried really hard to stay focused on what was being talked about and i missed almost all of it..but the end when we started doing activities did make me feel better ..funniest thing ever watching them try to get someone to do something without talking or using there hands..i didnt do that one just watched..and if something as easy as personal space can agitate the heck out of me how will i talk about anything else?!

what am i thinking?

so its parents weekend and it hasnt been a horrible weekend with just one kid at all but did it have to be my least favorite kid of all?! ugh but we did have fun yesterday we went to the movies and out to eat and shopping in a few stores..jim showed me some of the houses he is looking into for the adult program and they are really cool..we looked at one for 2.5 million dollars and it is seriously a house out of a fairy tale..it looked like it had just walked offof the pages of cinderella and just landed in the middle of hendersonville..gosh i wanted that house..i want to see inside of it and i want a picture just to have and stare at..just the outside of the house was beautiful. but the more realistic option is huge too..6 rooms, 6 bathrooms, playrooms, fireplaces, 3 car garage, gazebo..prolly more but thats all im remembering right now..and if we get that house then im moving there and dusti would go with me ...i think if we get a house then the semester program and be held there and not at camp...it would rock..there would be enough rooms for everyone..considering i would so have my own room but that would still leave four rooms free for the kids...but anyhoo that will really have to wait until after jim talks to linda and they decide what they are going to be doing about the house...we saw happily n'ever after yesterday and it was funny..a bit predictable but funny..we found the 2 dollar movie place so i cant complain.. and ive decided that ill be going there to see movies becuase they were showing 4 movies and out of the four i wanted to see 3 of them..i had already seen 2 of them..we went to a pet store and that was really cool..petted the bunnies and saw the ferrets and mice and birds and tons and tons of fish and turtles and snakes...they had a shark and a alligator there!!! the spiders and trantulas were incredibly creepy though..and still it was the coolest place ever..we are going to have to go to the exotic pet place one of these days and see what they have there! we went to asiana for dinner and its like this huge chinese buffet place..i had been once before and it was really good...it wasnt so bad going with jim and the kid we had but ..he was being a dork and brought up purging and he said it as a joke but that was really all it took for me to start thinking about it..i realy have only gotten sick in resturants maybe once or twice..less than five times becasue i try hard not to do it...but i did it yesterday and felt horrible for giving in..i didnt have to do it but i did anyway and i wasnt upset after aactually doing it ..i was upset that i did it while i was working..i always swore i would never pure while working because kids copy us a lot ..these kids especially and i dont want them picking up bad habiits from me when we are trying to make them understand how the world works..and its just not fair for them to not be ok just because im not ok...completely disappinted with myself for that one and im trying not to think about it but i woke up this morning feeling horrible and i knew some of it had to do with what i did yesterday and from cutting..i checked my arm this morning and its not bad at all like infection wise but that doesnt really mean one wont happen..and i couldnt explain away my arm even if i wanted too..for some reason saying i fell just wouldnt cut it and you would have to be the dumbest person alive to even begin to believe that i got them from falling..falling on what?! ugh stupid me..i really do know better and i hate that i couldnt control it..and that does sound completely lame i guess...wanted to do it this morning and didnt ..it would have taken less than a minute to let the two of them leave me in the dining hall alone long enough to go and throw up what i had for breakfast but i didnt..i left with them so i couldnt do it..good grief it really sucks when i all i think about is what to eat and what not to eat..not to mention my nose keeps bleeding because i dont know but its weird and it hurts...guess im done complaining...

hmm

its been a crummy few days ..and hopefully soon ill be sleeping since i have to wake up so early in the morning..i did take meds though so at least i know ill sleep..i cleaned up and stuff so now only my room is a mess as usual..talked to nia tonight and its surprising how alike we are i guess..well she thinks mommy is crazy too at least..not that i told her what i thought about mommy..maybe one day ill actually tell nia whats going on or some of it at least..we hang out and stuff now..yea it helps one of us can drive but we get along..we have always gotten along but normally we just lived together and did what we had to do..now its like ok lets go and hang out and do something..weird..but anyway considering my miserable day im feeling better..my arm will hurt a lot tomorrow..could have tried harder not to cut...could have tried harder not to purge also..but i didnt really care so ill suffer and get over it..nothing to interesting to tell i guess..still worried..still stressed but theres nothing to do about it until i get paid and then just pay what i can as it comes..no other way i guess but it still doesnt make me feel better..but meds are kicking in so i guess im off to bed

sometimes i wonder if i want to get better..whatever better might be..i wonder if ive become so comfortable being off and alone and weird and crazy that ill never be able to find a way out thats not suicide...why did i go to therapy for so long when the choice wasnt mine but as soon as the option is left to me i cant get over being scared about it and not able to go back..i dont want to go back and i dont want to be prssured into going back i can feel myself starting to fall apart again..i know its happening and i dont know how to stop it..maybe i dont want to stop it because im so used to it..its comfortable in a way, i know what to expect and its nothing new..its just me..is it so wrong that i have a job and that i can take care of myself half way decently..yes i take care of myself at the lowest possible margin there is for it to still count as taking care of myself but i do it..recluctanly or not i do it..i dont think i want to die but im not completely sure i still want to be here either..things get hard and just go back to the same old habits that never manage to go away..but i can still function on a daily basis..so why should it matter if i throw away food to stop myself from eating or if i cut myself if it helps and im not hurting anyone...it doesnt make sense at all and its really hard trying to make it seem ok when i know its not..i just cant accept that its not ok and that im doing something i shouldnt be doing..funny i think im the only person who feels guilty for thinking about suicide...its not even a big deal because im to much of a coward to do anything but i feel horrible for not being able to handle the small stuff...and still even working where im at now im a picture of control and nothing bothers me..nothing gets to me and thats all that matters right? as long as i can keep up whatever charade it is im playing then it doesnt matter? how long will it be before someone really catches on that im not as ok as i seem all the time...who would i tell..better yet who would believe me?

maybe i dont want help. and its really that simple

depressing day

its been pouring rain all day long...ive just stayed in the house not really doing anything worth mentioning...dejected from purging yesterday for again no real reason other than having the idea in my head..talk shows are stupid ..watched tv, played with dusti, read part of a book..my usual boring day stuff..actually took the time to make dinner and wash the dishes..now im just waiting for it to finish cooking and watching some weird movie...maybe ill paint later i dont know..not really interested in doing much..have to do laundry a bit tomorrow and then back to work for a few days ...really starting to stress about bills and stuff..not cool

blah

im in a horrible mood and i dont really know why..i think bed is a good idea

wondering...stupid

im watching the tyra banks show and its on eating disorders today...and completely ignoring that i was purging like a week ago i still fully stand by my convictions that i dont have an eating disorder..so now that im thinking about it and cursing the st..upid show iwthout saying a word ill just like list my weird food habits and see..not to mention im worried about yvonne because she told me that well one shes in therapy and they want to put her on meds..i went to ecu therapy for almost a year and they never mentioned putting me on meds..given i would have said no anyway..i didnt do meds until i started at the mental health place and that didnt last either..its been mentioned well highly reccommended that i take meds..and i cant have the ones i want so i see no point in getting any at all... i killed my impluse control over the weekend when i fond out dee had vicodin from her surgery and it took every ounce of self control i had to not take some...when i looked at the bottle it was just like ok she has codine..and i didnt think about it much..later she was talking about how she had vicodin and i was like no you dont..i reread the bottle and well it was vicodin..just called something else..there was a bottle of vicodin sitting there and i looked at it for three days and still didnt take any..yet i still keep wondering if she will still have it in may when im back again..in may she wouldnt miss them if i borrowd like 2 or 3..but since she like just had surgery i couldnt take her meds..that wouldnt have been nice..but anyway umm yvonne told me they said she had disordered eating but not a full eating disorder because she didnt starve enough...and yvonne eats a bigger variety than i do..so what exactly does that make me? so im worreid about yvonne for a lot of reasons...so hmm after like an hour break and some stupid things and americas next top model is on!!! new season of its so exciting and my one good obession is back for another season! sure i use it to look at all the skinny girls and get jealous as i do every season..hmm forgot what i was talking about anyway..oh yea weird eating ok umm...not gonna number then because that would make it seem like a really long list
-stopped eating meat to lose weight if i really want to give my first reason
-i dont eat things i cant identify
-im not into models or anything but i watch antm like its a drug
-i watch antm to just see the skinny girls...quite entertaining
-i dont like many vegetables, pasta, rice..corn is not a vegetable and that is still disappointing
-i know how long i can fast before i give in
-i randomly keep track of everything i eat for weeks at a time and then stop like its no big deal
-i cant watch a movie anymore without making comments on who is thin and who isnt
-i stare at ppls bodies and compare
-i eat and throw up..planned and unplanned - but i can stop
-i hate eating in front of someone im not comfortable with
-i throw food away when i dont want it anymore like unopened groceries
-i waste a lot of food for no other reason than not wanting it
-ive taken ephedra it doesnt work for me
-ive taken other diete pills
-ive been asked if i would ever consider surgery to lose weight ..and i would prolly do everything but surgery ugh
-i cook and dont eat it
-i hate being watched while eating
and because im not really paying attention anymore i guess ill finish this later maybe if i remember and ive completely forgotten why i started writing this like 3 hours ago

maybe

im not selfish..maybe i am selfish ..i dont know..how is it that since i dont want to really give henry money that i can go back to being the most selfish person alive and i didnt even really say no..i didnt really say anything..and i should have figured out that once she found out i was even going to see him that it would turn into how much money can i give him...its her fault anyway that i have a gazillion bills to pay on cards i never used..and now i have them back and cant use them even if i wanted too..funny how having a job isnt that great after you realize how much junk there is to pay off..and once i pay off the stupid credit cards and throwing them away because i dont shop at the stores anyway and i dont need them ..i have to pay for my car and insurance and rent and all this little stuff that i wasnt really thinking about ..and i do wonder how it will be done...maybe it wont be so bad since i know i will pay them on time but still it sucks a lot...i have a few more months before i have to start paying back loans b ut not many and there are a million things i want to do and cant even figure out how ill save when everything is due at the same time and i get to watch my pay checks go to a million different things..its just not fair i et stuck with all of it when i didnt do any of it..i cant make plans when i dont know what i have and what i dont have..i could complain but it wouldnt make a difference..i could say i wont pay anything but that would just ruin whats left of my credit and its not much anyway...so ill just figure out what can be paid when and go from there..maybe somewhere along the line ill get some extra money and can still go to canada in may..that being said i still need a passport that ive looked into getting a million times and still havent done yet..it will be a lot of money to get one and still i would have to figure out bills first ..i can just see calling mommy and saying i cant pay bills because i had to get a passport and now i dont have any money..that would go over real well im sure...so i dont know..ill just have to wait and see and hope i get lucky at some point..

spent 8 hours or more on the road yesterday...2 hours going in the wrong direction to take yvonne back to greenville nc before i had to turn around and go to greenville sc..mommy started calling and swearing i was going in the wrong direction when i hadnt made it home yet..and she called and called checking on me until i was almost positive i was going in the wrong direction..even though it was the same way we had gone before and she even called wayne to check my directions..i would like to think i would be able to read and get places by myself..thats what mapquest is for..but obvisuoly im not and need to be checked until i start to freak out..not to mention i was completely stupid and lost my check card..wasted an hour looking for it and couldnt find it..went to the bank to report it missing before i left and had to have a new one ordered..i have no idea where its at and i checked every place i could think of where i might have put it..i remembered the last time i used it and i know i put it back in my car and then couldnt find it when i needed it..and it all around sucked big time..and most places dont take an out of town check..although it is fun writing a check to myself to be cashed at the bank..felt incredibly stupid for losing it in the first place when im usually so good at making sure i put it away so i dont lose it...so now i have to wait until i get the new one and im not even sure if its coming to sc or nc becasue i changed my address..all thats left is waiting and hoping it comesw here so i dont have to wait for mommy to send it to me

all the issues aside it was a nice trip home for the most part..spent the weekend with riley and harris and harris still comepletely takes over the bed when he shares it with me..i think he was glued to my side the whole night and we went to the movies and to the book store..talked to riley about bunches of stuff..cant believe he just turned 10! ive really been watching them for forever..dee is still postivie ill be moving back at some point so i can keep babysitting but soon they iwll be to old for babysitters anyway...so cool i got to see them..it was fun seeing my teachers and they all asked about my job and how i was liking it and when i was going to be doing grad school and when i was coming back to visit again...wont be until may but still it was nice seeing them...yvonne may be working at talisman this summer for a little while if she can..we went to lunch and shopping and to raliegh hence the 2 hour drive in the wrong direction...but it was fun..spent the night at her boyfriends house..and then we came back the next morning..and i hung around campus for a little while and found out i couldnt find my check card, went to the bank and then headed home...long weekend but not horrible i guess..and i guess i better get ready if i want to make it over to see henry before its dark and i completely want to miss the rush hour traffic ..it was horrible yesterday!

stupid

thats about all there is to say on that one .. long drive..im tiredand annoyed and ill write about it tomorrow maybe..now im just going to bed

silence

silence...i dont really know why im thinking of it now of all times but i am..its like well what is it exactly and how is it that someone can be taught not to speak..either accidently or intentional it happened and i think ill be stuck trying to work around it for the rest of my life..no one has ever really asked why i dont talk and the ones who did ask didnt do it in the right way and so it was easy and made sense at the time for me to just say i have nothing to say and so i dont talk..and that would be all fine and dandy if i didnt write a million things down and if i wasnt always going over conversations and things in my head...i think it things had turned out differently i would never shut up..so why silence..i was on a message board just reading through some things and got on a topic about therapy and what not..well im not against therapy at all..i see my kids struggle so hard to manage day to day stuff and some of them are in therapy..some of them are starting therapy while they are with us and like arran said..theres a difference in having trouble dealing with stuff and getting help for it and having trouble and not doing anything about it...i see them well some of them work hard to stay ok and be willing to go and try so hard to work on stuff and i guess im ashamed of myself for not trying harder to figure things out and to go and start seeing someone again...jealous too i guess since they are able to have someone just sit down and ask are they ok with this and if they want to go...i almost wish that stupid contract was still in effect but since ive graduated its not anymore..im old enough to take care of myself and i dont need to have someone make me do things since i hate it so much anyway..and it being left up to me just makes it suck so much because i really do just get scared and refuse to do anything with it...and if it gets bad enough and i really stress about it ill go back to having little panic attacks and refusing to get out of bed because doing anything makes me forget to breathe properly..no idea how i can get stressed enopugh to forget to breathe but i can and its seems so very stupid even writing about it now..but i dont really know how to explain the silence that kinda reufses to go anywhere..sometimes i want to talk so much it really does hurt..its like having a battle against myself to see how long i can keep quiet before i have to say anything...im asked quetions that i really can answer but then i start to doubt what i have to say and fear being wrong and getting in trouble and opt for the easy way out..if i dont say anything i cant get in trouble for anything..theres nothing to be yelled at for if its like i dont pay attention or dont listen..and then there are times when i could talk for days about everything that bothers me and its like i cant...i start to say something and i have to stop before anything comes out because ebcause im afraid ill be in trouble or hated or because once i say it then i cant t ake it back or something and then ill just be in more trouble...and sometimes it kinda feels like there really is something stopping me from saying anything at all...all these words are trapped behind something and just refuses to give an inch ever and they will never come out..always stuck ..them being stopped gives me time to think about what i want to say vs what i can say...they are never the same thing..i can take out whats not right or safe or good or proper or whatever and make it so its ok to say it..and still sometimes its not good enough..and i still get stuck and cant figure anything out..so i dont know and i dont really think ive even figured out what i set out to figure out..just kinda rambled on and on about nothing..so i guess im going to bed...long day of driving tomorrow since im in raliegh now with yvonne and have to take her back to greenville nc tomorrow before heading back to sc...2 hours in the wrong direction tomorrow morning but oh well..it was a fun day

dream

hmmm dream this morning..been thinking about it off and on but cant really figure it out...brief synopsis...uh we are in an apartment i think because its too small to be a house..and its me and henry and nia and its the middle of the night...i wake up when someone starts banging on the front door..i go and look in the peephole thingy and theres like a guy outside and then theres a gun pointing at the door and i run into a different room..i dont open the door and im trying to get nia and henry and call the cops and of course the cops dont answer the phone and i cant get anyone...i can hear the person shooting at the door trying to get inside and im still trying to get them to move and go hide..i think i finally got them into this weird room or closet or something..and the front door caves and there are three guys i think coming into the house...something happens to me since im the dork not hding but i dont really know what..its was one of those something really bad is going to happen if you stay asleep moments...i woke up i was told if you get killed in a dream it doesnt mean you die in real life...im not sure i really believe that when it really seems like im an inch from death and nothing is going to save me and there is no help anywhere near me..so i dont know..no idea where the dream came from but id just rather it went away again.. and where in the heck is help when you need it?! ive decided dream cops are big losers

hmm other news..made it home in one piece..a rather long and boring drive too..but for the record it is nota good idea to play in traffic while speeding..and i really dont see how or why people try to argue out of getting a speeding ticket?! i know when im speeding and i know why im speeding and i ddont really bothering slowing down unless i have to but i only speed on the highway..but if i had been stopped i would have deserved that ticket 100% and there would have been no way out of it at all..maybe its just fun or something i dont know..

quiet day

it hasnt been an interesting d ay at all..chilled out and wasted most of the day doing nothing until boredom got the best of me and i ran to walmart to get some stuff..and filled up the car for tomorrow since not many gas stations are open 24 horus anymore ..and washed the car and i really need to find out how to get the front window cleaner because car washes just dont really do it...but its cleaner at least..and got lunch and all that fun stuff that wastes time...hmmm feeling better than yesterday at least..did the boring task of washing my hair and its still getting lighter and i dont know why..im not even really doing anything different and its still lightening..my hair looks incredibly red now..completely weird and unexplainable i guess...but the other night we went to the nature center with the kids to the wolves presentation and howling thingy..it was really quite cool and the wolves were up and about but wouldnt howl back at us ..the coyote did though! and the bobcats and the cougar was up and about when we went by and it was really cool...ive decided i want to wolf cubs along with all my other exotic animals i want and will never get...but it was a lot of fun..a pain i nthe butt getting there but we got there and mostly on time too..dusti is enjoying climbing all over everything in the apartment and it didnt take her long at all..i dont mind but i guess if someone else was here they may have a problem with dusti like hanging out on the table! so ill so work on that uh over the summer or something!

fall into nothingness

all of it goes back to the same question...hwo far am i willing to let thing go before stopping them? how out of hand does it have to get before i start to care again..what do i have to do to care again..and i know exactly what im doing but i dont really see how to stop any of it..and i dont really know when i crossed the line again and let it all start over..the last couple days have been miserable and i just didnt know how to handle what happened at all...i can even go as far as to say that it happened only because the kid hadnt been taking his medicine for a couple days..not our fault but he couldnt take them because we didnt have them...he blew up all day long and it just so happened that me taking his dreamcatcher from him was the last straw to all of it..jim stepped in after the yelling got started but still what was said cant b e taken back at all..there doesnt seem to be any point at all in bringing all of it up again because its almost like it didnt happen at all..and it just makes it worse because i cant let it go completely..i dont let any of it go completely and all the same im sick and tired of being called everything but my name...its getting old really fast..and its not like its just me or anything because its not..we all get treated like we dont matter at all by some of the kids..and maybe jim and sam and addy and jon know how to deal with it and let it go better than i can..i think about it all the time and cant figure out a way to do it or how to do it or even the point of doing it..its like if i hear it enough then its back to being true..and i dont really care how nice i am or that i dont yell or anything..im still a horrible person and that doesnt seem to be able to change at all...i know if it really came down to it i could tell jim what im thinking, i could tell jon or anna or even aaron buut it wouldnt help..and i wouldnt do that to them anyway..they all have neough to worry about without me adding on to there problems..so what do i do? easy enough i guess if i thought about it..sensible stuff aside what am i going to do? i really want to say i dont know but its fairer to say i just dont care..all day ive been thinking about what i want to do and all of it has something that will hurt in one way or another..i dont say anything and then cant deal with any of it and then just think about all the time until i couldnt make it go away even if i wanted too..systematically going through and throwing away all the food i have in the apartment because i dont want it..im back to thinking about how long i can get away with not eating before jim catches on and he will catch on first just because i work with him and we eat three times a day at work..i could just leave it at dieting and it wouldnt be a big deal at all...but i dont happen to know how to just diet..its either dont eat or eat and throw up..and not that it would be hard to purge i dont want to do it at work..because the kids dont know how to clean and the bathrooms are always gross no matter how much we make them clean them..i carry razors in my coat all the time..dont use them and havent for a couple weeks i think but i still carry them around..march 1st is si awareness day..have to remember that..not that it makes a difference in anything but i just want to remember...one of the kids questioned the scars on my arm the other day...cant say i wasnt expecting it because i was ubt i wasnt expecting him to just say well it looks like you used to cut yourself when i asked where he thought they came from..good for me i was looking directly at him while i was talking to him because he was just working hard at annoying me anyway..and i never got around to agreeing with any of the ideas he came up with about how i got them..i let him go until he changed topics..and its not like i had any good way to tell him to mind his business..i guess it all really gets around to being that i dont like myself much right now and thats about all ...and then i get to think about why i have to be so good at hiding it..jon said i was a brick wall and that whatever is said just bounces off of me...i thought about telling him how wrong he was but he wouldnt have believed me ..nothing bothers me..nothing ever bothers me and im fine and happy and fine

-

im a horrible person..i cant seem to excape that much...


im tired of being called mean and selfish by a bunch of kids that are a step away from being sent to juvie and cant see a good thing when it hits them..

today sucked horribly ..and im left ignoring one kid completely because if i dont ill do something i really regret..not to mention with them its like my not swearing is the oddest thing ever..and im still waiting for an apoligy for what i was called today that still has me incredibly upset and a lot quieter than i usually am..not happy at all right now and was close to crying earlier...jim jumped in and made him leave and stood up for me before i really got around to understanding what had been said...jon came and took over also so that i wouldnt be left dealing with it later..and its not over at all...of all the kids to not have meds why in the world did they have to lose his?! just to make my life miserable it seems..and i know that in this job i cant let there comments get to me so much but maybe im still too new at it or something and i just havent learned to let go of whats said without dwelling on it..the im so mean comments i dont care about because well if they think im mean then they havent experienced much in the world at all..but after today im just kina stuck questioning everything and things are not looking great right now at all...i hope im feeling better tomorrow..and if not at least i get to go home on wed..thats prety uch all i want right now..and talking myself out of cutting..back to thesame old stuff

i should write

since im just laying on the floor playing online and not doing anything i figured this would be the perfect time to catch up and figure out what in the world im doing...that being said im not really doing anything worth talking about..mostly just hanging out at home watching tv and playing on the computer now...did some shoping yesterday and took my car to have it looked at today and tomorrow im going to the movies and then well back to work on saturday..and then im off for 2 weeks starting wed..and going home for the weekend and thats about all...mostly just to see riley and harris and yvonne but im going visiting all the same...a bit quiet in the aapartment with just me here but im alright with it for the most part..increidbly upset that ive been purging again..not a lot but purging all the same ..hmm other than that things are peachy

beyond tired

i think ive found the step that comes after being so tired you cant think straight anymore...and things are just weird right now feelingwise...today things have been off with the kids since they got up this morning and i didnt help matters at all by waking up in a bad mood..and not that i took it out on them but i didnt let up this morning and if they didnt listen to me i called issues on them..kinda simple kinda not so simple..and things just went downhill from there...one thing after another with them...so many blowups and i was outside talking to one and two others were sent outside..ones inside are crying and freaking out from all the yelling and screaming and ive talked so much today i just never want to say another word again...maybe today counts as break through days for some of them but still for some its like talking to a brick wall and not being able to make leway at all.its always to same old stuff and i have no idea what i can say to get things into his head and make him listen to me or anyone else for that matter..but its nice to have a challenge i guess and after listening to the small group of ones who cant behave say they hate us and that the program and yada yada yada...what are they going to go home and tell there parents? what will they take away from the program and use later in life..because i had the you can graduate high school and go to college talk tonight and its so weird having those types of conversations when i just graduated and have no clue about life and real life stuff..im glad wed will be here and its just one more day and even with all the blow ups..one of the kids really said that the 2 hour group we had before lunch with all of the blow ups was one of the best he had been in...once all the kids causing problems were removed the rest of the group had the chance to talk and its really hard and not fair i guess hearing the ones who feel like they arent getting attention because staff is constantly one one of the other kids cases...and they are so right..we cant focus on them when i am always telling one of them to stop or calm down or to get away from the group and collect themselves...its not fair to them at all..but it things to work on...hmm im feeling a bit more confident though about things i guess..i have to kee preminding myself that just because they say they hate me it doesnt mean they really hate me..considering two hours later we are laughing and playing games and watching movies...they just dont know how to get out frustration at all...and its so good seeing who is really trying and so annoying seeing who isnt...i also had the your wasting your time and ours speech, you can control yourself speech, you dont deserve to be in the group speech and the i dont hate you speech...its been a long night..and oh some time soon i will be getting myself a very very big mixed drink and going off to sleep for a couple days...i told jim i was going to run away for the three days im off so i guess its too bad i have no where to go...im still waiting to go home till the end of the month and that will be a good break...geting away completely will be nice even if it is just for a few days..and im really missing riey and harris and my teachers and yvonne..and so yea ill see how it goes..funny how taking a shower in the sm can really change a persons perspective..not to mention so many of the kids are sick, im sick, jims sick, jon is sick..what ever it is is going around horribly and its rather miserable in a way..but i did get some new movies recently and finally got a copy of finding neverland! we are finishing up narnia tonight and that will be really cool since its my movie anyway..but im going to bed as soon as i can..for some reason being here really doesnt work for my sleeping patterns and i always get 8 or so hours of sleep and its feels like i get 4 or 5...ive decided the kids are little energy leeches and they suck me dry in less than a day..no matter how much rest i get while im off its like i never rested at all by dinner that day...it sucks in a lot of ways but it also makes me realize im going to have to do a better job of taking care of myself but im not really sure how...i take care of everyone else and now its becoming obvious i have to learn to take care of myself or ill crash and burn really quickly..and that makes me worry

thinking

im getting comfortable here...i like where i live and i like where i work..and of course i like getting paid...but if i get to comfortable when will i know its time to leave and go and do other stuff..when will i decide to go back to school and where will i go...will i get to travel before or after?..will i pick up and move states again? will i stay with aspen or go work somewhere else? will i be asked to go and work on starting up other programs? will i even be alive to figure it all out? i was comfortable in greenville nc and fought hard with being ok about moving when it became pretty obvious i would have to...and now ive moved and im starting to be ok and learn my way around and figure out where things are...i know i wont be moving anytime soon but everytime i think about it im sure ill just stay here and never move again...and thats being completely unrealistic any number of things could make it so that i would have to move..maybe i will even want to move i dont know....even staying with aspen gives me a lot of choices for where i want to go out side of talisman..there are programs in ny, oregon, and utah and more programs are made every year..the one in ny over the summer is just getting started like the semester program that im with..and the ways its going they are going to keep the semester program..it will get bigger and grow to different states too...even though i like it small i know its good if it can grow...where will i pick to go to school at for my masters? ecu is the logical choice but isnt it a good idea to go to a different school in a different state just for the experience?...but if prof dunn and dr bass and dr bunch and all my teachers i like are still at ecu why not go back there? ok thats an easy one because its not the same type of challenge going back to them...its not like starting over i guess ...but they believed in me when i didnt not that i do now but thats not the point...i dont want to go back to greenville nc...not to live..not for school...i liked it there because i knew my wway around...and im not going back to school anyway until ive figured my head out and that could take years at the rate im going...i thought about it a lot during my last semester...i cant deal with being in any masters program now or anytime soon...getting out of the undergrad program took all of my energy...i cant forget all the weekends i didnt do anything but stay in bed or stay in the apartment not doing anything because i was completely paranoid or completely depressed...i just kinda knew going to the masters program now would have been a huge mistake and a huge waste of money..not to mention im pretty sure i would have had to do another contract and that i never ever want to do again..so ill wait for now and just maybe see what happens...even after getting my masters i can still work with aspen...addy asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up...i havent finished growing up yet..maybe i never will but for now there really isnt anything to do but wait

bored

1. When is the last time you held hands with someone?
uh your kinding right?

2. You wake up as the opposite gender, what's the one thing you would do?
wonder if my hair is still sticking up all over the plac e

3. Have you ever crawled through a window?
nah not my kinda thing

4. Where is your mom?
prolly picking up my sister from work

5. Morning or Night person?
morning

6. What was the last movie you watched?
Stomp The Yard!!

7. Favorite number?
21....my day of birth

8. Any cool scars?
lots of scars...none are cool though...well my one from skiing is alright since that one is actually accidental

9. Things about the opposite sex you notice first?
smell

10. What do you do when no one is watching?
talk to myself...great way to figure stuff out...or singing in the car when im by myself..maybe i drive other ppl crazy if they wonder why im talking to myself in my car

11. Ever been in love?
no

12. What's something your friends make fun of you for?
my small selection of food choices...ok fine that i dont like veggies

13. What is your curfew?
im never out horribly late ..dont need one..i go to bed when im tired

14. do you talk a lot?
no

15. You + alcohol =
hugs, hitting ppl, dancing, clubs

16. What's your worst personality flaw?
-how i see myself and how others see me are oppisite ends of the spectrum with no leway from me at all

17. Would you marry for money?
No it doesnt seem fair..but oh i would consider and then after reality set in i would know it wouldnt work...doesnt take much to make me feel guilty

18. Could you live without a computer?
i can but i dont want too

19. If you could live in any past time period, where would it be?
no idea

20. Do you drink enough water?
no im once again dehydrated..its a weekly thing

21. Do you wear shoes in the house or take 'em off?
take them off as soon as im in the door

22. What is your favorite fruit?
strawberries...mine mine mine

23. What is your favorite place to visit?
im dying to go to alaska.
but for places ive already been i dont know...st augustine

24. Are you photogenic?
no thats why i control the camera at work..no one can get pictures of me

25. Do you dream in colored or black and white?
color most of the time

26. Why do you take surveys?
just gives me something to do and makes me think about random stuff

28. What is the most beautiful language?
ive taken a few..cant decide

30. What do you like most; sunrise or sunset?
sunset...who knew the ending of something could be so beautiful

31. Do you want to live till 100 yrs?
no i never want to have anyone have to take care of me

33. When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights switched on or off?
depends on how focused i am on the movie...really focused then the lights are off..if im multitasking then they are prolly on

34. Do you believe in miracles?
i dont know

35. Do you like to watch cartoons?
yep all the time! i miss my cartoons but im getting cable next week !

36. How did you find out Santa wasn't real?
i dont remember but i know it was because i was once again being nosey when i shouldnt have been but i didnt ruin it for anyone else i dont think...but i cant remember so im not sure

37. Do you write poems?
yes...im gonna write a book eventually...i randomly come up with a name for it but i havent decided yet...no one would read it though..way to depressing prolly

38. Do you snort?
nope

39. You sleep more on your back, front, or sides?
im a side person...

40. Would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?
ive already had a rottweiler and poodles are not cute..im fine with dusti

41. for the most part are you a happy person?
depends on how deep your looking...one of my kids wants to learn how to be happy...i have no answers for him

42. Are you tired?
im always tired...stupid iron

43. Did you drink anything with caffeine today?
uh diet coke

44. How many landline/cellphones do you have in your home?
just my cell phone not that i get any calls

45. Do you get along with your parents?
define get along with

46. What is something that all your ex's have in common?
i dont have any ex's

47. What do you do when you're sad?
umm zone out,, write, paint, watch mindless tv, make it worse, make it better, ignore it, si still...i could go on

48. What do you need most now?
guidance ..but for some reason i dont think im gonna like the answers ill be getting

49. What song are you listening to now?
nothing well i had on goodbye my love a few minutes ago

50. What are you looking forward to right now?
going to the fla keys...before that getting cable ..canada and new orleans possibly

just a day

funny i actually did what i set out to do today...got laundry done and my car cleaned up, found two movie theatres and i was only going for finding one...canat help that i got lost and just happened to find one! went to the movies and got ice cream and now im at home...saw snow flurries on the way home but i dont think it will snow much or even stick for that matter but it was really cool all the same..went and saw stomp the yard and i liked it,i will have to take henery to see it at some point but im pretty sure ill buy it when it comes out on dvd...it sucked majorly that they took off blood and chocolate before i got to see it..i forgot that it was even coming out and ive read the book a few times and liked it but i think it would have been neat to see the movie..now ill have to wait for it to come out on dvd and that could take forever...i want to see ghost rider next weekend and bridge to something or other the weekend after that..and life is complete now that ive found the movie theatres...now all that is left to do is to clean up my aapartment and pack for going back to work tomorrow..have to take my car in for a check up next week when im off again since its making funny sounds...and good grief i was cleaning my car this morning and i could swear no one had ever seen a girl vaccumm a car before..it wasnt that big of a deal ive done it before and i kinda do happen to know how to clean out my car without help thanks...ppl are weird ive decided and well getting ice cream when its snowing outside doesnt really make me not weird either...but im in a much better mood so that is good..and the joy of getting paid is dying down completely and thats good too! and ill be able to get everything done that i need too...so it worked out ..only thing that is left to do is figure out what im going to do abouttherapy..so the world is almost right again but not completely

so

im on a quest to find the movie theatre closet to me...im getting more comfortable driving around and i found walmart yesterday finally...mostly just hanging around the apartment not really doing anything..went and got some movies today and some other stuff...found big lots on my search for the movie theatre and i also found another way to get to my apartment..much easier and less stressed than the way i was going so that was my cool thing for the day...not to mention i made more than i was expecting so today has been alright...now i just need to do laundry tomorrow and im going to the movies even if i have to drive to hendersonville...ugh but id rather find the one around here because it has the ones i want to see all three or so of them.

flawed logic

how easy it is to fall beack into being incredibly depressed in just a couple hours with nothing to keep me occupied...napped for most of the day when igot hom this morning anim having trouble falling asleep...feeling a little sick and i guess now that ive stopped moving its making itsself known..but maybe its just a rest thing and ill feel better in a couple days after being able to catch up on sleep...borrowed a movie from andy and it was sad but good..brought up a million questions about friends that i dont really want to think about right now ince im back to feeling incredibly alone...got caught up reading a book and now im just questioning a lot of stuff...but i finally understand why it is my teacher kept asking why it is you really have to deal with all your own stuff before you go to work depending on the field you are going into..it only took a month to figure it out and i almost wish i had paid more attention to her reasoning when she kept asking...because it really does suck in some ways..more so now that im off after a horrible weekend at work in some ways...i dont really know how im supposed to handle the after effects i guess...i killed all reactions when i had to even when i was incredibly close to believing one of them was going to hit me...i didnt react to any of it then and the whole time i was there and half paying attention to him and half trying to figure out a way out of the whole big deal over nothing i kept thinking how am i going to fix this whole situation with the least amt of hurt feelings...i spend a lot of time thinking up new ways to talk to him because its all becoming rather redundant and they are just not getting the big picture right now..i think ill yell if i have to give one more how to work in a group talk to the same kid...ive put a lot of hours into talking to him and being ignored in some ways since he is still doing the same thing and its just like ok fine ill figure out some way to get through to you but i will get through before he leaves in may..but how i dont know..how im going to last till may i dont know either...i feel worn out and completely get why we are on the schedule we have..its so easy to get stuck and just start lashing out with the kids when it seems like there are no other options...and even with all the stupid stuff that went on and all the arguements and spending kids away from the group we still had fun moments..played monopoly last night and i of course lost miserably but it was fun..we watched over the hedge too..finally caught up on paperwork and then got to leave this morning..and driving away and knowing i wouldnt have to come back for a few days made me so happy..and i just really really hope next week will be ok and it wont be as stressful..zoned out horribly yesterday after cutting and that wasnt good becuase i didnt want to do anything i was completely ashamed of myself for doing it while i was working...still want to cut kinda ...and the feeling has just been getting worse all night..but its late and im going to bed..

hmmm

sometimes being here and dealing with the kids is like being at home and having to deal with mommy..and here i have to make sure idont react to getting yelled at or cursed at or any of the stuff they throw at me and the other counselors..and this weekend they have been horrible..one broke into the office this morning after yelling at me and i really really really thought he was going to try and hit me...but he didnt and he knows he is in trouble and that he is not going to be getting what he wants at all..but just being there and having to get yelled at without yelling at him or tuning him out or doing anything is really hard and more so the past few days that ive been on and they are all just blowing up at the smallest things makes me nervous...maybe because all of it happens and then things are ok and there is no time to deal with anything on a personal level i guess...we are to busy chsing them around and telling them to not do stuff and to not kill each other..all i want to do at 10 is go to bed and we still have to wake up early in the morning and it all starts all over...today i want to cut a lot and i want to thin ill end up doing it..not sure yet if it bothers me or not but i want to do it..and after ive had the same talk like 6 times in the past 2 days about how you are in control of your behaviors and its like im going to ignore everything ive said completely just to feel better for a little while...short term it makes sense..long term its not cool and i know and im not really sure i care...i know well i think its been like 3 or so weeks since i cut the other time..pretty sure its been at least three and im going to ruin it and suck and feel horrible prolly..and it would prolly be easier to just go and talk to jim but i cant because its a lot more than just the kids are getting to me and im not sure i can explain all of it right now...not really sure what all of it is...hmm kind of becoming an obession right now..back to the usual cant stop thinking about it because i want to do it so much..maybe tmorrow when thigns are back on a set schedule and thtey are in school during the day it will be a little better..hmm all the weird stuff aside im not sure what to talk about right now..kinda zoning out a bit...oh its interesting working with jim because we are so different ...he is loud and im not and he doesnt mind and well he has gotten into the habit of calling me mom and i swear all the kids are going to be picking it up and its weird...out of the four of us counselor type ppl im the most like a parent..but we kind of balance each other out so its cool..ive decided that its really good having a guy and a girl for each set of counselors because two girls wouldnt work out for the best and there couldnt be two guys not with the girl campers..so really cool...jon brought up that if i stay ill be like senior staff next session and i hadnt really thought of it like that but its true...and still really weird because im not sure ill be eany different at all...funny how being here makes me work on eye contact so much more..and i still have to remind myself to keep it but with the kids i try hard to focus on them and stay focused while im talking to them and not letting my eyes wander all over the place..not my idea of fun but its getting some work at least..and im talking more than i usually do so maybe in like 5 years ill be able to talk like a normal person

something

something i noticed while we were in fla...my anixety is a lot worse than it normally is..i refused to sleep in the tents because they were to closed in and i ddint want to be in one..not to mention after like 4 days of camping we get tents but whatever...on the ride back i was getting nervous on the bus and didnt really know why..it took me picking my fingers apart to even notice i was feeling nervous in the first place...and normally being inside or on trips im fine and it doesnt bother me..no idea why its starting to change...a lot of stuff that never bothered me does now...dont know maybe it will get better..i hope it does considering im going camping 2 more times if not more...long bus rides and all of it..and if i cant handle being on the bus its going to be a miserable ride back to fla in april since i think thats next longest trip..no idea what im supposed to be doing to make it better though

today

How different the world would be if it was filled with magic that is in movies and books…the good side would always win..everyone would be happy and safe and there wouldn’t be anything to worry about…life would be so very different but I guess it would also depend on who believed in what or who wanted to believe in it…I watched elf this morning and then decided I wanted to watch narnia again but elf made me think of why I don’t believe in santa but I will tell riley and harris that he is real because they believe in him completely..and it doesn’t really bother me to tell them that and we have had the if santa is real talk quite a few times..and its incredibly cute hearing them say someone in there class actually said it was parents who puts the gifts under the tree and how much they don’t believe it..and if I didn’t have to be serious then I would laugh at how silly it seems to be arguing over whether or not there is a santa in like august…I believe in the stuff that really doesn’t matter I guess…I don’t believe in santa or the toothfairy or the easter bunny but I do believe in dragons and fairies and magic…what really makes them so different? Well duh I guess its not that hard after thinking about it for a little while…santa, the toothfairy and all the other are the ones that parents use to make kids behave..guess that would be the short explaination..ive used the santa line occasionaly to get riley or harris to stop being so bad but it only works around christmas…and all of them are just excuses to get gifts and candy and toy and money…it doesn’t seem fair in a way…but I love christmas movies ..i love the ideas they try hard to get across mostly about the meaning of christmas and not really all the gifts and stuff…so why prefer to say fairies are real but santa isnt…because I don’t know…I came across them by myself.no one made me believe in them..good grief mommy might swear I was possessed if I just one day said dragons are real and that I wanted one…ive told riley and harris I want a dragon and im gonna name her snowball after we went to see eragon…maybe that’s why cartoons are so easy to like..they are so simple and colorful and not boring…even dusti looks at the tv when fairly odd parents happens to be on because its so bright and colorful..or else dusti is just a weird little cat! Oh and it snowed here last night ..and for some reason I don’t enjoy it as much as I usally would..maybe cas mommy called me first thing this morning and told me that I didn’t need to drive and henry said it was snowing where he was and so it must have snowed where I was..and I was just like ok great thanks again for the wonderful vote of confidence..geez I cant do anything at all it seems..ill never get away I guess..how can I get comfortable driving when im constantly being told I suck at it and don’t know what im doing…snow or no snow I have to go to work tomorrow morning and I have to drive myself there..

Ive really been slacking off writing anything once again..i wrote only once while we were in fla and that was kinda accidental and I ended up having some time to myself for part of a day..and now we are back and ive never been so glad to be in one place for a while..overall the fla trip wasn’t bad..it could have been a lot worse and true the kids pushed us everyway they could and then couldn’t understand why they werent allowed to do stuff…they are the most selfish bunch of kids ever and its hard forever trying to teach them to work as a group when they are all so caught up in themselves..good grief if I was that selfish I would have killself myself years ago..i may be a lot of things but im not selfish and its just annoying I guess..they put demands on us like we have to do there bidding or else…I want to tell them to grow up and get a life..they think being at camp is the worst thing ever!! I told them that if they think this is bad they havent expreienced what life is yet..and no matter what we do it seems like they just don’t understand what it is they are here for…so a lot of the same things get repeated again and again..they pick and annoy and instigate each other so much its just tiring….and the one who started off being the most trouble isnt anymore..he is my favorite of all of them and its just because he sees things for what they are and just keeps all of it short and straight to the point..his directions have to be broken down to almost nothing but he will listen and do what we say…the other kids are starting to get used to him.more than once they have commented on how much he has improved and how he can act more mature then the group and all this good stuff and they still act like jerks when they want too…so back to the point..hmm oh the fla trip..well camping is state parks just become something I didn’t really enjoy in the long run..because here we are in tarps surrounded by ppl with rvs and electricity and all the stuff we couldn’t have or use..the bathrooms made things easier but harder too..because the kids just kinda assume they can go back and forth to the bathrooms as they please..i almost prefer the backpacking trips when we are in the middle of no where surrounded by nothing and there is really no where for them to go to get away from us…and for the record fla is cold as heck the weather stations are a bunch of liars and if they say a chance of rain what they mean is its going to pour and freeze and be miserable for a night..ugh it rained the first night and of course I slept on the bus because I wasn’t sleeping in the rain..slept on the bus for a couple nights before giving up and starting to hate the bus..and so I slept outside for the rest of the nights..and most of then werent bad nights at all but the one night in pouring rain, getting soaked and not able to really get up and get dry id rather not have happen again ever…it was just that I wasn’t under a tarp completely because one of the kids had to be moved into it and so he was completely protected in the middle but I was on one side and the program assistant manger person was on his other side and we got soaked and he wasn’t….finally I just gave up trying to sleep and waited for the sun to come up so I would have a reason to get out of my sleeping bag..i was shivering so bad I couldn’t get a grip an anything and it took forever walking to the bathroom..once again wet jeans suck horribly..oh and raccoons run rampant in state parks lol…they got into our food one night ..in a cooler no less and I woke up and walked by a couple times the next morning before I figured out I was looking at all the empty food wrappers on the ground…they got a whole pack of chocolate bars, 2 boxes of hot chocolate mix, cheese, cough drops and tried hard to get into the jelly container but they didn’t make it..we decided they were going to be some horribly sick raccoons for eating all of that at once..they were therefore named rj the raccoon from over the hedge and one of the kids kept watch for him the last couple days to scare him away for our sights..and on the last night jim and sam were on raccoon watch and walked around chasing them with sticks…the only way to get the youngest one to wash his bowls and cups and stuff was to tell him that rj would come and steal it if he left food in it..on our last night I told him he had to protect his socks from rj or else he would steal them and it kept him busy and in sight since he was intent on searching for the raccoons…I watched two raccoons fight in a tree on my first night sleeping outside and I was afraid to go to sleep and stayed up until anna came back..raccoons hiss which I learned and it is really creepy when there are just so many of them and they arent scared of us at all…oh but at both places we were so close to the beach..its been forever since ive been to the beach and it was so nice and peaceful and cold..i picked up jellyfish!!! I made jim save them and throw them back in the ocean after of course he chased me and tried to throw them at me..and there were tons of them all over the beaches…there were armadillos and we saw a deer…tons of pelicans and other birds...our bus broke down a bunch of times and we spent one day hanging out on the side of the road waiting for a mechanic..bus had to go to the shop another day and had to stay..we rented vans for the last couple days ..and it was so hectic worrying about bus issues on tops of all the kid issues…never taking that bus on another trip if I can help it..hated how unstable it was I guess..but we got there and made it back safely..we went to st augustine and it was so so so nice..i really want to go back again..we took a trolley tour and saw all the old buildings and the fountain of youth and the oldest tree and all this stuff…we camped on the beach there too…I burned a pinic table while cooking and we made smores before the night before we left…and we saw the lighthouse and a parking garage that I could live in!! and wanted to live in for that matter…in april when we are in fla again me and jim are so going back to st augustine! I really want to see the bridge of lions with the lions on it and that wont be any time soon so ill just have to go back again and again..but it was really cool…oh and swimming in the ocean in january…nnnnooooooooooo…the first time we went to the beach it turned into get in if you liked and I was only putting my feet in and well one started instigating and it turned into me trying to push him in and falling in with him..after like the third time it was just like ok im soaked so I might as well enjoy it..and then it was a free for all and I was soaked and like all the older guys were soaked..but i only pushed in two so it wwasn’tall me..and then I got to walk around for a couple days with my hair sticking up all over the pplace because I couldn’t do anything with it after its wet without a blow dryer..so after getting re soaked in the rain I just got it completely wet and combed it out and then it just puffed up and still stuck out all over the place! Quite entertaining so im told but couldn’t be helped and I refused to let jim get anywhere near me with a camera after that day! I had the camera anyway so it wasn’t that hard..so overall the trip had its fun moments and its not so fun moments..but I would do it again..and I really cant wait until we get to go to the fla keys in april since ive never been…trip stuff aside im glad to be back..i was glad to be able to go home last night and take a shower and see dusti and just sleep…and it will all start over again on Friday…but now I really do understand more of why I wanted to be here and work here…so its ok stress or no stress or not understanding what to do about my stress but oh well..maybe ill figure it out…decided im going home for a weekend at the end of feb…riley called me today and asked and after I told him I would come back I knew it was set…so ill go and see him and harris for a couple days and go home and all the fun stuff I cant wait to do….and go to ecu and see yvonne and get the stuff she still has of mine..and then come back..not rushed like last time..cant do it rushed again or ill drive myself up the wall…also decided that I have to go back to therapy..im pretty sure everyone assumed I would get around to accepting it and it only like took a little over a month but I finally got around to seriously looking into it at least..so I had to set up a time frame for myself or else ill never do it so but the end of feb ill see someone..figured it all out when I realized I wanted to cut and purge while in fla…and couldn’t feel ok about it because I was working and just didn’t need the stress added on…didn’t do it..didn’t mention wanting to do it…so I don’t know..maybe it will all go away tomorrow and I wont have to worry about it…and now im just hanging out watching movies and waiting to go to bed since im still so tired and wornout