never assume

'Fortunate are the merciful, who fight without hatred or hate without remorse..'
'speak the truth even if it leads to your death'
'here at the end of the world you are not who you were born but who you were meant to be'

today has been dull but fun and entertaining i eventually..wasted most of the day playing the sims 2 and did a little bit of cleaning and more video games because breaks make the day more interesting..specially if they last for hours at a time..yvonne got home from rehearsals early and we ended up walking to walgreens and the grocery store and out to dinner..and i watched her get frustrated at her sims family she made and didnt know yet how to control..and given for first time players sims is hard to get a handle on..it took me a couple days to get the hang of this one..so it was a bit funny..but i still helped her..and i got her a couple cards because her play opens this week and ill miss opening night so i have to wish her good luck and everything..there cute but i think she will like them..counting money is depressing but i know i wont be able to get narnia when it comes out on tuesday..no matter how much i want to count it i cant come up with extra money right and that royally sucks but once again not the end of the world..and yvonne got me a disney magazine covered in narnia pictures :) and a kitten calendar and a card..she really sees something in me i dont see well i dont believe and thats not the same thing i dont think...we are watching kingdom of heaven now because well the movie has its funny parts and the whole im so marrying orlando bloom and if i have to stalk him yvonne has promised to go to jail with me to keep me company..but the movie is good too of course but there is a benefit in completely drooling over the main actor..and yvonne has given me almost all of her orlando stuff with captions that i have all over my room...and minus the big cut out that scares the heck out of me if im not careful i love all of it..ok im so off subject now..umm i did have a point when i strted i think..oh we got on the subject of cutting tonight a little bit..but it wasnt about me and i really dont think she knows..she was looking through a reader digest and she said she wished she had last months because there was an article on cuttnig and she wanted to read it..she said valerie did it..and since she said she didnt know how to help im guessing she still does it..but i know valerie a little bit like general stuff i guess..she was just here for a week, same as last year and here for yvonnes birthday over the summer and i didnt guess it or assume it or anything because i had no reason too..but yvonne brought it up and i told her i had a boook on it but that it was stupid..i told her i kinda knew a little bit about it but i didnt explain anything...i guess its kinda the same..i dont think valerie would have brought it up if she did question the scars on my arm..but she blamed them on dusti as a lot of people do...i read somewhere that s/i could be dubbed as the cat did it disease and that would mean there were some mean cats running around..and letting dusti take the blame for osmething she didnt do does make me feel guilty..but i dont correct it either..i know where dusti scratching me at and i can tell the difference but ppl see scars and if they know i have cat then the first thing is has your cat been scratching you or the cat scratched you...yvonne saw them before i ever got a cat but i told her i was in a car accident..i told her it gave me a lot of scars..and she hasnt questioned it since..even when i walk around with my wrist band on or when i have razors just laying all over my room when she comes in..right now i have qauze and bandaids all over my floor maybe razors too but she doesnt ask and idont say anything..not many come right out and ask..i wonder why though..im almost certain i would lie about it anyway..until i got my other journal online yvonne wouldnt have even known half the stuff she found out and even that isnt much..just that i caan get a bit depressed at times and the one time i half wrote about it she was worried..serious worried and wrote me this whole list of stuff about why she needs me..i keep a copy of it in my bag..its one of those things i know ill have forever and reading it makes me smile...but i guess it goes the same way..no one would assume i cut myself and gave myself all the scars and burns the same way i dont assume anyone else does it..if nothing else we are incredibly good hiders with all of it...

time moves up

i knew the time was moving up once i started seeing stuff online about it yesterday otherwise i would have gotten up and seriously been wondering if all the clocks were just wrong...so then i had to remind everyone so i wouldnt forget lol..i miss my watch but ill have to wait about getting a new battery for it and im not really sure where to go to get a new one..i see the signs all over the place when i dont need it and once i do i cant remember anywhere ive seen them..

finally have the house to myself again since valerie went home yesterday.not that she was in the way or anything i just like being by myself and after doing it for almost a year im kinda used to having things my way..but now things are back to normal i guess..same old boring stuff..still slacking off in almost all of my work due next week..3 papers..it would have been two if i would finish correcting the other one..i have to clean up and everything since i left the kitchen a mess..interview is tomorrow and i have my senior summary thing tomorrow too..its going to be a busy week and then home for the week and home next weekend too..trying not to stress about anything because im finally back into an even normal feeling...reg stresses but not a lot of extra stuff..prolly had something to do with playing the sims 2 all weekend..great game though and really good at wasting time but now i have to get some stuff done and so ill play more tonight or something..i might have to put a time limit on it so i dont play it for hours and get anymore behind than i already am..yvonne mom came yesteray morning and brought us easter gifts..i have a singing duck now lol..a bunch of candy and a coloring book and a few other thigns..really fun and a really nice surprise. mommy will be out of town for easter so that will be ok too..hmm guess i dont have anything else to ramble about for now..after spending the better part of a week and a half stressed about everything theres just nothing left to stress about..and well stressing just doesnt help much..since i still havent done my work anyway

ugh

can this week get any weirder..i want milk, i dont like milk b ut i want it..and this started today in the middle of my class..i was just sitting there minding my own business and i just start thinking about how much i want milk..forgetting i dont like drinking it in the first place..so i went and got some after class and of couse it was strawberry becasue im not a fan of plain white milk..but i think ill h ave to give in and drink some..because what i had today didnt help much because right now all i want to think about is getting milk and we dont have real milk and i dont drink soy milk..so it looks like ill be investing in organic milk again for a little while until this is under control..so logically i can assume i must be really low on calcuim or ssmething..why must i crave food i dont like ugh..

long day..but i did my presentation and actually got all dressed up..and made it through the presentation without to much stumbling over what i had to say..suffered through bio and actually passed the quiz today with higher than a 70..skipped policy..and killed my feet walking in boots all day..but im getting used to them..it took a lot longer this time to wear my feet out and now they are seriouslt hurting but its not to bad..ill just be wearing sneakers for a good long while..i dont think arran has ever seen me dressed up..i might shock her to death if i showed up dressed up..not in jeans and a sweatshirt lol..could be fun, maybe one day when ill be able to sit there without pulling at my shirt...went out to dinner tonight and learned that caramel apple, and chocolate martinis are really good..i actually went out and had less than two drinks! the veggie burger was good though and now im ready to go to bed but im chatting a little bit and looking up meanings of the milk thing

weird

after everything i wrote this morning i still went and half threw up..it was just not working this morning and so i stopped but then i was feeling weird for a long while..first because sometimes purging makes me really sick and because i didnt need to walk outside and be in the sun feeling that bad..its like being outside just made me want to go throw up and since i had to do thing on campus i was walking back and forth and started getting dizzy..and for a second really had to stop moving because i was really close to crying..and it was one of those you have so done this to yourself kinda crys..and the general crummy feeling and i wanted to go home and couldnt because i actually had to do woork today..so i did the logical thing and randomly dropped by teachers offices to stay busy and just my luck prof dunn was in her office..and we talked about school stuff for a little while and im going back on friday so she can help me with some homework stuff im been putting off..and then i went to dr bass's office and of course she was in too..after ive been looking for her for forever shes in her office today and we talked about my placement and shes really happy i got it to..and of course she would be the one to flat out ask about the cutting and she couldnt ask a yes or no question..no she wanted to know how often..given i pretty much avg once or twice a week and i told her as much but im still glad we couldnt talk long..since i wasnt feeling much like talking anyway..and then we run into dr miller on the way out and he asked me about the fin aid stuff whicch i still havent bothered trying to do or even finished deciding to do..and he keeps telling me they will help me with it..but i just dont know about htat...thinking about its like yes i could so use the money..im starting to worry a lot again about everything.. and im not doing my work and its like ok im not doing it but what the heck am i doing instead..and its nothing..literally i spend my days doing nothing..and yeet im still stressed eventhough i have the time to do all my work..i dont get it..yea im a bit more depressed than usual and maybe that has something to do with it..so anyway then i went and actually finished the project thing for tomorrow with kitta and im hoping it will go ok..i just want it to be over and done with now..im sick of looking at it...but we got it done and thats something..then i ended up going to a late lunch with yvonne and valerie and we played phase 10 for like an hour sitting in the resturant..then we went to the founders day party thing and got cupcakes and ballon thingys..i got a teddy bear on a stick and yvonne got a princess hat...but hers popped a little in like 10 mins..we ran into kenny and then made it home finally..spent the rest of the night watching tv and pigging out on pizza and talking to valerie since yvonne is at rehersal..but i think im going to bed soon..im tired..really really tired

stupid sun

is it just me or does the sun manage to get brighter every morning...maybe because it was so gray yesterday today is just an after affect and its not really that bright or maybe it should stop shining directly at my window..this is turning into a really depressing week..ive been trying to catch dr bass in her office for reasons i dont know yet, just want to see her i guess..and i told prof dunn yesterday that im seriously behind in all my worok and i am..working on the prject for tomorrow today with kitta and i have to do a couple things on campus before we meet and i dont need to hang out in bed all day even if it is what i want to do...and so i guess its good my new game hasnt gotten here yet becasue then i really wouldnt be doing any work...and i suck..and im a bit annoyed what i ddid yesterday and the nightbefore that arent hurting anymore..didnt really hurt to begin with...ive screwed up royally with eating and so yea i ate but without purging and no way i want to think about it makes it ok since it was pizza..i miss having the house to myself all the time..im just complaining a lot today..i forgot what i was thinking about this morning..something about being hyponotised could be fun in an incredibly creepy no idea what i would say kinda way..i think i would be really easy to hyponotise though and thats just creepy too..oh rant yesterday aboout being sick of everyone assuming ill do something or agree to something with out asking me..almost always ill say yes anyway but at least give me benefit of the doubt and ask anyway..maybe i should hide out in my room for a few days until i figure out the secret to disappear..maybe ill be doomed to suffer for eternity..and maybe im juts completely making things a lot worse right now than they need to be...but i sitll think the sun is stupid

nothing

i think it would have been a week and a half that i messed up by cutting last night..and so its like starting over tomorrow since i cant recount today...im supposed to be not eating today but that wont be working out since im feeling really sick right now..so ill stop being a dork and go get something to eat..everything is rreally starting to get to me..lots of work due that i havent finished..i keep trying to forget ill be going home next weekend..but a promise is a promise..and i think i slept wrong or something last night because im sore in the oddest places..

i would give anything for new blades

thoughtful content

now would be as good a time as any to just figure out a way to go away..but since im still half asleep from meds i didnt really need to take anyway and i dont feel like getting up just yet, all thats left is to write...not that i really have much to say..sleep is seriously becoming an issue..i sleep i swear i sleep and i wake up most days between 7 and 8 regardless of when i go to bed because saturday night i was up until after 2 and still woke up before 8..the problem is i want to sleep like all day..ive counted and i avg about 6 hours a night without taking anything..taking something i got around 9 hours last night..but i dont know why i want to sleep so much..i cant be awake less than 4 hours without wanting to take a nap..and when that goes away if it does then i know it will only go away for a few hours before im tired again..by 8 at night im completely ready to go to bed and if i actually did im almost sure i would sleep all night..and ive done that before..12 hours of sleep isnt the best thing ive ever done..i dont remember if it helped though..and napping during the day makes me not sleep at night..at first i thought it was the whole low iron part and i started taking the vitamins again..and since i didnt take them for a really long time im pretty sure my iron dropped alot and i dont know how fast it will build up again off of vitamins but ive only been taking them for a couple months now maybe..but now i think it might be worse than it was before..i just dont know why..i swear i sleep as in im not awake i dont think but when i do wake up its like i never went to sleep at all..im pretty sure i sleep now im not so sure what i do..maybe i never manage to get to the deep sleep stage part or something but i dont know..i was thinking about it last night and if i went to sleep everytime i got sleepy i would sleep away most of the day..id be up for less than 6 hours a day and that just doesnt make sense..maybe im not doing enough with my day or something...so i took something last night, to much of course but it will still put me to sleep and that i wanted..given it made me feel sick at the same time wasnt good though..i dont know sleep is stupid anyway and i dont see why it has to be so important..true ive never been a night person and when i want to go to sleep thats it i dont want to be bothered anymore, but im fine in the morning for a while so i dont get it..

funny thing i learned yesterday..leaving what i was feeling alone doesnt make them stay..because i was really mad yesterday more like bothered and annoyed but i think that fits in the mad catergory..and at first i was trying to make it stop and then i wrote and then i just stopped trying and put my energy into something else..and it was much later but eventually i realized i wasnt mad anymore..sad but not a big deal sad and that has stayed but its not to bad right now either..more like just feeling dejected about something i think..i read something about forgivness this morning and osmething about unhealthy interpersonal boundaries and the forgivness one made sense but reading it just makes it seem really easy and that annoys me because its not..then i thought its useless trying to forgive something i dont believe happened anyway..so acceptance still has to first anyway..still fighting the whole acceptance thing because i dont know..to many little ideas on it and i cant get to the main reason for it...everytime i wrote about it last week somewhere and got respones it all made sense but it still makes it seem to easy..maybe because it means i would have to let my guards down or something..in the last year my whole little protected world just started to fall apart and as much as i hate that it happened i guess it was time for it happen...unexpected but not the end of the world because i seriously ythink i started making another one..great now ive figured out i keep making safe places to the extreme and that would be what i call going away from awareness..i do it alot though..more than i should but i do like them better than the real world..now its like ok have them but know whats true and whats not at the same time..hiding in them and having them are two different things i think, and sense i have them for the purpose of escaping almost everything then they hinder more than help..even if i do prefer them to anything else...i hate to think that ill be stuck putting all of this together for the rest of my life however short it may be..i want to stop, i never wanted to know anything, forget i asked..but i guess that owuldnt work either..my head would find a way to make me rememeber and if i dont stop all the s/i stuff then im not forgetting anyway..just stopping for a while..i wonder if i stopped trying to stop all the emotions and stuff would i stop the s/i..i dont know i think it would make it worse..but if i used it to stop things then maybe it wouldnt make it worse..but i didnt cut yesterday when i wanted too..and im writing here because i dont want to cut..and now that im thinking about it again i want too..so ill finish what im doing now and go do something else like eat since its been a while and im starting to feel sick again..

ive been looking at the control thing i found online alot lately and the more i look at it the less it makes me mad or sad or anything..its just disappointing and hurts moreso because almost all of it is true..maybe i was just overly shocked when i found it the first time..its like rereading the toxic parents books..after the first time it gets easier..reading it still hurts but its not blinding denial either...now it just makes me think about everything, it scares me though..like one of these days ill actually know who i am and that im not a bad person..i think i live for the purpose of trying to make everyone see im horrible but no one believes me, not that i try incredibly hard to make it so..i just refuse to believe what they tell me instead..well im not sure now because i still really really want to believe mommy but funny only mommy can make me cry..i just dont like it..i dont like how much control she has over me and in a way i keep giving it to her..maybe i dont know any better or maybe i never saw it for what it was..maybe i didnt want to see it for what it was..

i dont know

i dont see how parents can not choose there kids over anyone else..i dont see why they do either especially if its a matter of safety of kids..it bothers a lot me that it happens..i watched bastard out of carolina again and its one of those movies that is made really really good but its one of those hard to actually like because it deals with child abuse...and ive seen it more than once..ive seen it enough to know the whole movie and still i just end up thinking the same thing..parents can really suck sometimes..and how in the world could anyone do that to a kid..the bad part being that it happens a lot and that sucks even more..now the fact that im alone just doesnt seem like its such a great idea..i cant even figure out where my head went...i feel so pissed off but i cant be that..more like i dont want to be that..and then i have to think about everything ive been hearing about the acceptance thing and its like ok then i know why im bothered i just dont know why i dont want it..if i let it staay it will wear off and ill just really really sad and i dont want that either...id rather just not feel anything..but for what its worth i guess ill try and if it doesnt kill me ill know its not so bad..maybe kinda sorta

saturday

today has been surprising..i foubd out that valerie was coming today for her spring bbreak not that i mind or anything at all..not like ill be around much i guess if i dont want to and then it wont really matter its not like shes my company and all the same i guess she will spend most of her time with yvonne...still it will be a little different not having the house to myself most of the day..guess i might actually have to do homeworkr and what not...so back today ended up going to see chronicles of narnia again and that was so cool since i had been trying to come up with a plan to see it while it was on campus all week..and i wasnt expecting to go and we end up going tonight which makes my fourth time seeing it and it comes out on dvd in a couple weeks and i cant wait..it is now one of my all time favorite movies and since ive seen it enough to know most of the words in it i was just going along watching the movie and thinking about how great it would be if narnia was a real place..i dont remember if i really like the books and i havent tried reading the books again but i know i wasnt a fan of the older movie..but this one i love and its so good..i dont have many problems iwth it at all..majorly cool...but talk about a great place to go when things are not great..i would love to go there if it was at all possible..but i know its not so oh well on that account..but still im so glad we got to go see it again..i dont even care that ive seen it four times..and then we went bowling aand i actually got the highest scoore the first game..that was the best ive bowled in forever not that i go bowling that often at all but still it was fun..came in second the next game but it was close...and then we went and played pool and that is one game ive never managed to get the hang off and since i was pretty much the worst of the three of us yvonne ended up pairing we me and we won but so not from my work..i got maybe 2 balls in and then managed to hit the white one completely off the table lol..now that takes talent! and came up and im still up and we played cards and i learned a new game and watching another movie but im going to bed soon since its like already 2 in the morning..still not thrilled about sleeping but bed it is..laundry and homework most likely tomorrow..but i got a sleeping bag today that was nice..i forgot of much ebay came in handy sometimes! but all the same i guess i finally got in some non depressing news..hmm its been a while wince ive managed to actually get my mind off of things for so long without doing something unsafeish to get there..something to think about

weeks over..kinda

the weeks over for me and that is good enough! im tired of this week and for some reason im back to being really tired really early..maybe im not sleeping as well as i think i am..roughly 6 hours a night but i cant get much more than that without taking something before hand..maybe i should go have another blood test..the same one ive been putting off for a long time..dont know though maybe it will go away again..i know i havent purged in at least a couple weeks and today i wanted to but talked myself out of it..i get random nosebleeds..hmm well getting them again, twice this week and its been forever since ive had one..maybe the weather is bothering me or im catching a cold or something..but minus the runny nose theres nothing else really wrong..maybe a headache but thats it..maybe i should take some sinus meds just incase..which means a trip to the drugstore..ive been trying out new recipes this week since i have to cook if i want to eat..eating to many nuts and things and ill have to work on that but otherwise its been ok..i actually ate broccoli more than once without throwing it up..and if nothing else i take the dorky vitamins like clockwork..dont know if there working or not..but im pretty sure im still managing to leave out a lot of vitamins and things from like everyday food..so vitamins it is if i dont want mommy to start telling me im gonna go into shock from not eating..stupid thing being ive been not eating for the last 5 or so years and before that i was throwing up..so its not like i dont know what im doing..anyway i actually managed not to cut today even if it was a crummy day and i wanted to but i didnt..made myself go to class which got cancelled and ended about school stuff and iwas ok enough to make it home in one piece..and then it was my usual stuff, waste time online, cooked watched a movie..and now im once again to tired to want to do anything but go to bed..not sleep but go to bed

empty would be good

i wont let up on thinkingabout acceptance..and its bothering me..well that and the small issue with forgetting thta bringing up dreams makes me not want to sleep, and them i have to think about everything that i associate it with..and thinking about all of it without trying to judge it or control just doesnt work..likke now i wont stop blaming myself..i want to say i cant stop but i guess if i wanted to i could..but saying i could just makes it seem easy when its not..like if i think about it long enough i can figure out a way to take the blame for all of it if i want it or not..same old thing i guess but now i just dont know..now it kinda seems wrong to try to take blame for something i didnt do moreso couldnt control..but i work so hard at breaking things arent and trying to change what happened..given then explaining it doesnt make since..but leaving it alone and just accepting it has never been an option until now..i keep wanting to think that you know this is supposed to be easy but i just go back and forth between not caring and just wanting to go away..semi suicidal but more into just hurting enough to remember im not dead yet...i thought about why i dont like the whole reality thing..because helpful or not the s/i is considered bad or wrong most likely both and then its like knowing its not good but doing it anyway..i should know this ive heard enough about deviant behavior..i know all about social norms and i know that off subject for a sec..being scared makes me want to cry..lately everything makes me want to cry...which is better crying or cutting..i would say cuttnig, which wouldnt hurt..neither..hmm back to my other train of thought..i know that i would be considered sick or something by ppl who have no clue as to why i do it..i guess they would be right htough..reasons for doing it aside i dont know..i keep wanting to tell myself its bad nad i need to stop and i havent yet..not even though i can tell someone not to do it and ways to stay busy so you might not have to do it..and i can ignore all of it..i know all of it, and ive done it at one point or another..but its like the rules dont count for me..not anymore..its gone far enough that i dont know if it can be stopped anymore..but more now than ever i can look at my arms and hate all the scars..hate myself for doing them..and they may fade some but a lot of them wont ever go away..i study my legs looking for new places to cut already knowing i dont like it..but i rarely take care of them these days..for the longest time i never believed anyone who told me take care, like they were juts saying it to say..and then one day it was just like oh you actually mean it, like seriously it matters what i do to myself..its still weird having ppl care and for me to even acknowledge it..its harder to completely ignore it..because the more something is bothering me the more i try hard to pull away from everyone because its better to not say anything so no one will worry..but its like maybe i do need them to worry because i cant or wont..cant goes with should..one of those things that just turned into a habit..things are going not well right now

fighting sleep...again

im tired, i know im tired and i was ready to go to bed like 20 mins ago before i got home and now i just dont want to sleep ...if it was possible to sleep without really sleeping then things might work a bit better..i keep forgetting i actualyl have work due that i still havent bothered starting..not great but ill get it done i guess...went to see brokeback mountain tonight with yvonne and im not sure what i think about it..after all the awards and reviews it was kinda disappointing actually seeing the movie...that and the movie messed up and a huge part from the middle went missing and it was hard to hear...ill just have to watch it again to really get what is going on..i know the basics but i dont like watching a movie short of it being in a different language and not being able to hear..the guy just wasnt talking loud at all and it was annoying..i was watching the movie and it was sad, the ending was...not that it was a bad movie or anything i just think i missed the finer points of it..so ill see it again when it comes out on dvd...i got phase 10 cards from renee as a belated xmas present and that was rally cool since i loved playing the game when she was here last summer..

and now im more awake than when i started..and now im back to being slighty afraid to sleep, and incredibly close to crying..my mistake for bringing up my dream even if i did want to know what it meant..and now that i kinda know i dont like it any more..my head hates me, no idea how i manage to come up with some of the stuff i come up with..and all of it has some point that im still not getting..earlier i really wanted to cut but didnt and after a while that went away a little but now its back..i want new ones..there is something about the acceptance thing that im still not getting..but i dont want to think about it anymore

reality bites

that has the be the shortest rant ive ever written and once i can feel my fingers and finish not being mean to myself i guess ill write more.

long day

tuesdays should just be taken off the calendar or something to make my life easier...classes were alright i guess and i went to them even though i didnt really want to..ended up with another 70 on a bio quiz not that im worried to much about it..im still stuck with a b in the class for now..health was pretty fun though, another good speaker and we got out of class early so that worked out for the best...and then a late night trip to the grocery store because well yvonne had to go and i juts went along and found something in needed. cant help that i love going to the grocery store for no good reason..and i talked about it on njad some and its kinda weird but ive settled on its an ed thing..going to the grocery store has no reason to be that appealing but it is..and im tired and going back and forth and i dont htink this will make any sense so ill go on ..hmmm i was in class this morning and not paying attention and ended up writing in my notebook because im not good yet at noticing without writing it down kinda..so it only took me like 30 mins to figure out i was sad and i didnt know what caused it and normally i would have started getting annoyed with myself i guess but today i didnt..i just kept asking myself why until i got an answer that wasnt i dont know..and then of course i wondered why i wasnt getting mad about the whole thing and it was pretty simple..it really is way to much work staying mad at myself..because once i get it started i can make it last almost without thinking about it..besides im sick of being sad all the time, its driving me crazier..so i dont know i guess its good that i didnt attack myself and its just i think its the first time in forever that ive not done it..when did i get so good at being a complete jerk to myself..not counting you cant escape yourself..good grief i try though..like if i try hard enough i can make up for everything else..no idea what exactly im making up for but once i figure it out im sure it will be a good reason..im sure it wont make sense either...lately with what i write i try hard not to write should and now that im actually trying it just seems harder than it has to be..i had should onto a lot of stuff and just stopping it in the middle of a thought means im not exactly making things bad..not really what im thiniking but i dont know how to word it yet..i think it was a blame thing though because if i say i should be doing something..no it was a guilt thing not blame..weird little light bulb gets to go off because i figured something out..and now i get to push everything on the floor so i can go to sleep..tomorrow i so have to get my paper finished so i can turn it in..i hope it snows..i hope i sleep..ive actually gone two days without bread and im not dead..maybe the world wont come to an end..my fingers hurt from picking at them..i will have to look into finding a better lotion that doesnt dry out my hands and make it easy to start picking..sounds gross even thinking ive managed to pull skin off but its more like hangnails gone wild or something..

weird night

i asked yvonne if she put yogurt on her ice cream like 20 mins after she asked why i had cherry yogurt in the first place...so not my fault she asked while i was half doing something else and half watching her get ice cream and i didnt catch on to things until a little while later and just randomly asked if she put yogurt on her ice cream..and after the crazy look she gave me..of course she told me no...and then i got a picture of my nonexistent penguin in the bathtub having a bubble bath with a shower cap...and i chased dusti and cooked dinner and its been all in all a i dont know day..rainy weather though..and maybe im just really tired or something..i got these relaxation cds from yvonnes mom and the sleep one really makes me want to go to sleep..ive been listening to it for an hour and it only took about 10 mins before i was starting to fall asleep but then there was the penguin and i woke up again..and now im going to bed

home

the only thing i keep thinking about today is that someone told me home is where your happy..i just keep wanting to compare home here in the apartment to home with mommy..and the differences are really obvious but i dont know..theres just something about it i havent figured out yet..like it really is one of the most basic things have ever been told but ive never heard it until now..and its just one of those things i needed to hear a long time ago and didnt...like i went home but i wasnt at home and now i am.. im happy to be back, im happy to have all my stuff here like i left it..even if i did have to clean up everything i left down because i was in such a rush leaving..now im taking a break because my head is hurting a little bit and im just sick of cleaning up for right now and im not worried about getting in trouble for stopping..bubt now that im not with mommy anymore i dont want to think about anything that happened while i was there..you know im thinking i need to stop associating going home with going to see mommy..anyway the weekend was ok,went to the movies with riley and harris and one of rileys friends...then suddenly i was like the only girl in the house not counting there mom because tyler came over ..and good grief 4 boys at once can be nerve racking..i dont know how sissy manages her 3 boys! harris ended up sleeping in my bed last night though because there werent enough to go around in the room they shared and its been a while since he has been there all night and he still sleeps incredibly close...i told them i would come back for the festival weekend in a couple weeks and i will just because i always take them and its fun..in a very long day im never having kids kinda way..

this is going to be a long week..i wasnt even back yet and already i was stressing about everything that i have to get done this week...everything is due now and i have to figure out some way to get my volunteer hours in..i have to finish my paper and start on another one.. i have to get my interview done and ill have to check the date but im all most positive i have therapy this week..funny im not completely dreading it since i finally have something to say..i have to registar and go talk to dr miller and im expecting an email from prof dunn soon to and some other things im prolly forgetting but i know ill have to do anyway..but we have more silly string again....still finding silly string from the last war and her mom got us more of it lol, yep it will be fun..

hmm only cut once at home even though i thought about it alot..but i picked a lot at old ones...ate ok i guess and took my vitamins and in a couple months hopefully i wont have to remind myself that its actually a good thing to keep taking them..im working on the whole should thing..i put should on a lot of things that dont need it and it turns it into something that makes it easier for me to get annoyed at myself when it most likely had nothing to do directly with me..the noticing thing just blows big time but i guess it will get easier once im more used to it.

empty

theres nothing left..i havent felt anything since after i wrote yesterday but i didnt cut either..instead i wrote here some but i wrote more on my computer and just saved it..im not sure what ill do with it but i do know ii dont want to keeep what i wrote..but i dont think it would be good to just throw it away either..ill think of some middle ground for it and i was thinking about where to take it this morning and i do know where it would be safe at its just a matter of if ill do it or not..yesterday was a bit more than my regular writing..i write a lot here and i dont know yet if ill put any of what i have on my comp here..mainly because it will be way to long..all the same now i dont really know what im supposed to be doing..im not suicidal anymore but if im not feeling anything i cant be so sure..maybe something has changed now..maybe i finally get what everyone is trying to tell me..i dont know

wonderings

now that im actually thinking about writing everything in my head just stopped..like i have nothing to say but i know i do i just have to remember what it is...ive been watching talk shows today and talk about random since i havent watched them for a long while because they have all gotten stupid and ive never gotten into dr phil but i watched him today because it was about overprotective parents and i was half listening to what was being said but now i dont really know if overprotective is the same as to controlling...i didnt get anything for the kid and here mom and i thought her mom was psycho but between the older lady and her mom i could understand what she was talking about..considering i would fall right inbetween the two sets of ppl on the show and i didnt pay much attention to what happened at the end of the show and now im watching oprah and i didnt plan on watching it..but then i was saw the preview thing and its about the new show on the a&e channel and ive never seen it but its called intervention and ive heard about the show from some of the boards i go to because there was a girl who cut on it and ive seen the convos about it but never seen the show..so anyway now im watching oprah and i really dont see what the big deal is about talk shows but im guessing they help in some way and its a great way to pass the time...all the same i dont like when s/i is called slicing, that seriously bothers me because it just sounds wrong..i can handle it being called everything else and i have heard everything else i think and i just stick to what they are but i dont go by i guess the whole act..it makes me think its not fair..i really wonder what ppl actually think about it..and not in a ok i want to help kind of way but in a more general way..i could prolly guess though..s/i isnt the easiest to understand, i can go back and forth between understanding it and now i know that looking at someone elses scars makes me so nervous and scared but now i want to cut too..different watching it on tv than just occasionally running across a picture that i dont have to look at online..its like back and forth showing them and its like i have to watch so ill know but i dont really want to see any of it..random thought good grief i really really hope mommy isnt watching this because then she will come home and start watching me again..well more than usual..not counting all the random checking and everything...anyway i keep telling myself to find something else to do...ii can develop a nervous twitch in less than ten mins...i need to go clean the kitchen but thats like setting myself up to fail..i keep trying to remember where i have any razors stuck ..i found one yesterday but its like not exactly safe to use..i actually thought about using it but i didnt want to yesterday...completely not good how things that happen as a kid manage to screw up a person as an adult..this show cant go fast enough for me and its as simple as turning the tv off...they call it an addiction..control scks..thats the overall thing ive decided today..is all of it really about control? i dnt know if it is then control sucks more than usual..and drifting away can be a great thing..i wonder how i learned to step out of awareness..

camping

i found out today im going camping for the summer aka im working at a summer camp for 300 a week! now im excited and have something to look forward to and maybe it wont be a sucky summer after all..but ill be busy as heck for like 2 months but it will be fun too..ive always wanted to go camping and now ill have plenty of time to figure out if ill even like camping..and camping with a bunch of kids!

thought for the week

"You can be accommodating without becoming a hotel!"


the highpoint of my weekend..beating the videogame with riley and harris...second highpoint watching mulan and the lion king with harris..third making henry sit through eight below with me last night..and ive decided that if i ever ever get a dog im so getting a husky..once i have like a house and a real job and everything ill so look into it...and then i spent the rest of the night trying to get the pictres of the dogs off of henrys phone and it wouldnt work ugh that being the only thing that makes me not like my phone! still the only thing making this not seem like a really long week is that im making some extra money for bills and things next month..of course soon ill have to start thinking of everything ill need to go back home with and that could take a couple days..dusti is fine henry took care of her for me while i worked this weekend and of course i come home and shes crying from under my bed and i swore henry had accidental locked her in a different room lol..but no she was just under my bed..its to freaking hot here..so im in the progess of thinking about looking for my old fan..i opened the window last night so dusti good entertain herself although i keep thinking she is going to manage to fall out or something even with the screen in the window..weird..i miss my computer and im glad nias is up and running but still i just miss mine..its not the same using someone elses when i know mine is just collecting dust next to my dresser..but if i hooked mine up it would take forever to get nias back working with the network and it always gets on her nerves..so i said i wouldnt hook my computer up and ill look at it like ok so i wont end up with 50 million new viruses when i leave...so ill catch up on all the movies i missed on regular 500million channels cable and all that fun stuff..geez i actually want to do homework im so bored right now

home

nothing to interesting right now..babysitting but im so tired..im just hoping riley and harris fall asleep fast, i know they are both tired too so im sure they will but i still ahve to stay half awake until there parents get home...kinda sucks we didnt get to go to the movies tonight but oh well..now it just means ill be working tomorrow too..

happy

i got my placement today :):) im going to be in the hospital working in pediatric rehabilitation!!! im so so excited and half the class is jealous of me lol..ive been listening to everyone complain about there placements and a lot of people are asking for theres to be changed already and i was just worried i wouldnt get one period! and now i end up with one of the best placements :) :) everyone wants to go to the hospital or a school to work and now im not worried anymore and im not giving up my placement either. now i have to set up the interview after break and i really really hope it works out and ill be able to accept the placement completely. and that so made my day and now im in a really good mood

flawed logic

after i decided i would die of boredom if i did what dusti does all day..good grief after a couple hours i wouldnt know what to do with myself..today was hmm quiet..didnt do my quiz yet and now im waiting for taly to come and get me for the dinner for jeffs birthday dinner..wondering what im going to eat though but oh well ill figure it out.. skip a few hours and now its almost midnight and not staying at the party long turned into a two hour event but it was still fun and i have missed them alot..and i went the night without drinking yay me..but i didnt have the money anyway and it was not a night for free drinks so it worked out..ill have to start going out a bit more..ive missed it and didnt catch on to that until tonight..so after spring break i will of course..tomorrow is going to not be great..some how i have to finish my quiz for practice before 2 and i have no idea what we have been doing in that class and if i didnt have to turn it in i wouldnt bother showing up...hmm so back to the point of this that i left off like 4 hours ago..first i have way to many ppl concerned about me and that makes me worry a bit, not that i would do anything but they dont have my point of view on everything and im pretty sure my explaining doesnt make things better so yea ill have to work on that or either scrape up some caring from somewhere..today was doc day and that is becomming somewhere i actually talk even if it does take forever but anyway talked about emotions again and im getting a little better at noticing them at least..still ignore them most of the time but i can seperate some of them..i still cant figure out what most of them are..maybe i should stop trying to be so specfic and just leave it at the broad catergories..cant say i wont get practice next week..tomorrow and the weekend and next week and the weekend after that..thinking about it makes me want to cry as usual and the harder i make myself forget about it somehow it always comes back..same old argument of why i make myself suffer and agree to go home when i already know what will happen..its always the same thing and not that i need the help being a complete jerk to myself i would prefer i didnt know i was going to get it anyway..it sucks i can make a list of everything i will hear as soon as i get in the car and that 2 hour drive back will just be long, really really really long..i dont even know where to start with cramming everything in tomorrow..i dont know if ill even manage to finish everything in time..debating staying in bio tomorrow..debating getting out of bed tomorrow..i was thinking about how i get some of logic for lots of stuff today and as i just walked along i figured out i dont make the slightest bit of sense when it comes to making all the cutting ok..like i dont care much for myself and not that i go and tell everyone that but anyway i dont and its like if i dont care then that makes what i do perfectly ok because then i deserve it for just sucking in general..the problem being that if that was true i wouldnt not like cutting in the first place and i would feel bad for doing it and i care what happened with any of it..but i care and so that doesnt work..i dont even know how i believed it in the first place and i dont know where i got it from either..even if i came up with the most off the wall answer for why i did it, it still wouldnt make sense in a helpful way..make myself sound crazy yes but not make anyone believe what i was saying...before i did believe it, i came up with it so i had to believe it or else i wouldnt have managed to think it up..not even mommy helped with that one and for the record i seriously hate being referred to in third person if im sitting right there..anyway right now none of it makes any sense anymore..i know i dont care what happens to me but that doesnt make all the s/i stuff ok..even if i want to believe and trust that it does it doesnt..darn it my safe little world is starting to fall apart..its just not ok anymore and i keep wanting it to go back to being ok and i dont think that will happen either...i looked up control stuff a little bit today while i of course wasnt doing homework and that is going to take a lot of work but if nothing else ill know it all by the time im done..but i did find some stuff and it was like charts out of a book and it wasnt the signs that said mommy was controlling or the signs that she still controls me that hurt..it was reading about how they affect a person that made me cry..its not even a 5 out of 10 thing..reading the list was like putting a neon sign on my head that said im just controlled by mommy and it has screwed me over..i wasnt expecting that..i wasnt even really looking for that but i found it all the same and now i dont know..its like some huge betrayal that i willing go back to, like somehow i can change it..ive been trying to change it for as long as i can remember and it hasnt worked yet..so why do i still think magically one day it will and then everything will be ok and ill figure out that you know maybe everything that has happened wont keep happening and safety wont be such an issue and i wont have to find new ways to hurt because nothing else will work..but that wont happen will it? of course not its just something ive managed to convince myself will happen eventually if i believe enough that it will..and when that didnt work i balmed it on not being good enough or not trying hard enough or just not wanting it bad enough..the blame still manages to fall on me, even though thinking about it realisticly it isnt my blame to take..i got it bbut thats just because i heard it enough and made it real..with mommy i dont seperate truth from lies..maybe i never even wanted to until all of it was questioned and now i try hard to remember what exactly i have done that has been my fault..not counting most of what i dont remember...the things i do remember that i think about all the time, the things that make me afraid to be alone or in the dark, like i have somehow made it all real enough that its hiding somewhere just waiting for me to stop so it can catch up..ive turned them into monsters, just things i have to stay away from or else ill die or something...
it hurts, all of it hurts and knowing why doesnt make me feel better..if i knew i could get away i would leave..not that i know of where i would go or what i would do..this isnt going to be a break and its not fair..that whole picture of control thing sucks royally right now..i want to cry but i cant, i want to say im not gonna go home but i cant, i want to cut but i cant..the more i think about it the more i just want to go and just cry and im almost positive that if that happened the world would end..the more i want to cry the more i dont want to be touched but i dont want to be alone either and i dont know how ive connected those two..hmm ill have to settle for my bear and try to sleep..empty is better than confused..

i got dehydrated again..its been a while but this week ive noticed it again..and ive been drinking i think..i thought i was but obviously not..im so thirsty right now but ive been drinking all night and it didnt help, just made it worse..now ill go to bed

lack of sleep

ever wonder what a cat really thinks about?? seriously they spend half there life sleeping somewhere..and since i was just sitting here watching dusti go between attacking my hand and stretching out using my comp as a butt rest and completely comfortable with it..one of those random nights when she makes her self known and got in my way until i petted her..maybe shes planning world domination or something an idea i got from fairly odd parents..bugs taking over the world could be interesting..ok random moment over and ill so stop thinking of what dusti thinks about and now i really want to know ..

hmm health midterm was tonight and im really not sure how i did on it..true/false is so not my thing..and then i went and marcela got me a happy meal and for some reason they do make me happy, maybe it was the toy and then i watched sky high and decided i really want superpowers yet again..xmen 3 comes out over the summer!! annnnd got invited to a birthday party tomorrow night and i said i would go and i guess i will..im gonna miss antm!! good grief ive waited all week for the new season to start..looks like ill have to figure out a way to tape it..no drinking tomorrow night either..well no getting drunk two very different things..besides i have classes and a lot of stuff to do thursday, and spending the day hungover just wouldnt be good..so ill be responsible tomorrow and most likely since its the middle of the week it will just be dinner. still could be fun..i wonder what ill wear..now being the time i get so annoyed at not paying more attention to what ive been eating..essh..i have to wake up before the sum tomorrow so i can go print some stuff off..if im going out tomorrow night that kinda means i have to finish my quiz stuff tomorrow during the day before i have to go take my walk around the hospital..ive decided that that place is way to big..and taking the scenic route with all the construction is kinda weird because then i have to find shortcuts and really only i can get lost in the hospital with colored signs on all the doors! but its not so bad and now i know that there is a way through the hospital but i still hope the construction stuff is finished..weird moment of the week..i ran into erik on monday and he asked if i was going to go to the next nami meeting because they missed me at the last one..dorky me didnt realize i would actually be missed but i did have plans..yea going to the movies was plans since you know it helped my emotional wellbeing or something..if i think about it hard enouhg i can come up with something..but still it was important..normally i do go but its kinda weird, i go but they dont exactly know why..yea sure i support the group and i really have no intention of sharing but i guess one day i might get around to saying why i actually go..hmm why do i go? its a small enough group that its ok and i can spend an hour out of the month listening to other ppl talk about stuff..i wasnt really expecting to run into him though and of course it would have been the one time im running late for another meeting..ok bed time i write to much

i hate this week

i decided today that i wont have time to finish my paper due thursday so ill have to turn it in late..again..i dont even have time to study for all my tests that managed to conviently to end up being this week..ok so i could have studied and i didnt so im just to good at being a slacker..some how ill manage of course..ended up doing my advising thing today and i didnt even know about it..talk about surprised..registration is after break..and then the semester is pretty much over. stuck on campus for the rest of the day since i couldnt go home thanks to advising stuff..tomorrow ill have to work on getting that take home quiz done so it will be ready for thursday so i cant get an extinction on that..another test i have to do thursday online that i didnt even know about until yesterday but then i should have realized it was time for another one in that class..and then home and hmmm not really looking forward to that and i dont think i was..not in a really great mood today and the weather sucks..i want it to just stay cold or stay hot..id prefer cold though frozen fingers and everything..

busy day

this morning i had my phone interview and it actually went really good..it didnt last long and that helped but i talked and answered the questions and he pretty much said i had the job but i he has to call my refrences and so ill find out sometime later this week if i got the job or not. now that i know its an actual possibilty it is kinda exciting and its something to look forward to..ive never been camping but ive always wanting to go and im pretty sure ill be a walking advertisment for the off spray stuff but oh well i will scratch the heck out of myself if i get bit in the middle of the wilderness...so ill just have to be really prepared..im not sure yet though of how long ill be leaving or staying or anything and of course i might not even get the job..but anyhoo did that this morning and then went and talked to my teacher and she asked about the fin aid stuff and all the usual stuff and gave me info on shame and guilt and its actually pretty good info still i think im learning the difference between the two..maybe i was just trying to mkae them be the same thing for some reason..easier to explain if i do that..but doing that just makes it harder to see what is making me think what..so more info for me..and i was thinking today that one day in the far far far future maybe i will write a book..not sure what it will be about though..maybe the weather..once again i was so cold my fingers went blue and that was after i froze eating a cup of ice..the weather is just refusing to give me snow..if its going to rain and freeze all day at least snow for a little while..and i went to my meeting and it was actually ok and really short so that helped since i didnt really want to go anyway..still once again im behind in all my work..how everything manages to be due at once ill never know but it sucks all the same..guess i better get to work and stop playing sims all day. so ill get to it tomorrow

Often the test of courage is not to die,but to live.
- Orestes

i really need to find other movies to watch..rent is a depressing movie and now im just getting nervous ..i like the movie and i know ill watch it and once again i thouhgt about how glad i was that i didint get caught up in drugs..and right after that i told myself that i was doing the same thing..regardless of if i was using drugs or not..being completely realistic here for a minute, i really am doing the same thing..so i dont need hundreds on drugs or have needle marks going up and down my arm or whatever else but in a nutshell you destroy your body and life on drugs...ok fine now if i really think about all the stuff i do and even if i dont really want to admit it yea im working on destroying my body..im not really sure if im destroying my life but i guess if i have someone threatening to put me in the hospital then life cant be that great..why i thought of that tonight i really dont know and i dont want to know but now im thinking about it and it wont go away..im
well im just me i guess..not sure yet if thats a good thing but oh well...but now im watching the oscars and its funny and ill rethink all of it later..

weekends over

i learned today that i must have ice or something in my blood..my hands are freezing and yvonne warmed them up for me in the middle of the street no less but still my hands are like frozen and shes uber warm..i think my body temp is just stays low for some reason and eating ice all the time doesnt help im sure..but after that my hands were fine and i warmed up but its going away again now..i didnt do anything i had planned on doing this weekend though..wasnt feeling up for doing anything so i watched cartoons and movies and played the sims until i thought my brain was going to fall out..colored a little bit today but not much..im watching rent again now because i want to hear the songs again and playing games and all that fun stuff. yvonne is sad though i think ill make her cookies since she has been wanting me to make some for her for a while..maybe i will do that..but she was asking me about relationship stuff today and not that i had tons of advice i listened and made her laugh at odd moments..i hope i made her feel a little bit better..we are doing a mardi gras thing tomorrow and that should be fun and if nothing else another excuse to take bunches of pictures..she got a new mask and i have one that mommy gave me from someone else..i juts call it my bird mask and yvonnes is a peacock..and dusti wants her mask so much because of the feathers lol..i had to move it out of her reach before it became a play toy..tomorrow is my phone interview for the camp thing and nia said it wold be easy but im starting to get a bit nervous about it now..and my teacher asked me to come by her office tomorrow and im not sure what she wants either..a meeting and dinner thing with yvonne..classes tuesdays..random stuff wed..classes thursday and then home for i dont know how long..im guesssing ill be staying all week until that sunday before classes start again..and im trying hard not to really think about it.. hmm my good news for the day i havent cut or anything since the burns..and i spent two days alone without b/p but that didnt last today since i went and trew up lunch..so im just trying to not be mad at myself about it..yellign at myself really does nothing except make me feel worse. so im working on it ataleast..and i did some of the emotion stuff im working on when im not listening in class and it is hard trying to pull up what stuff feels like, but then i just notice all of them kinda work around the same things..ill have to work on that some more though..otherwise dull weekend

hmmm

i can do this..its just a couple of days hanging out by myself..i like the quietness of it but to much quietness has been known to drive ppl insane..ive read the yellow wallpaper to many times for that little theory..so being by myself isnt that hard..its like remembering to lock the doors and close the windows and all that good stuff..if nothing else i wull be able to write what it feels like to be scared and more than just scared of the dark here..just me and dusti and the dust under the couch..maybe ill clean out my closet tomorrow..ive lost a couple shirts i can look for..or i could even do homework..most likely ill play games online until its no fun anymore..i saw oceans twelve tonignt and it was a stupid movie..i liked the first one better but at least now ive seen both of them..i think ill get sky high next since ive really been wanting to see that and i can take it home with me..and now so isnt a good time to think about going home..hmm ive been thinking about doing the low carb thing..and thinking about it is really entertaining because i dont eat great now but if i did that im not sure i would eat at all..i havent been forgetting my vitamins either..dont know how to tell if they are helping or not but im taking them..boring dayss

so..

someone told me i needed to do something fun for myself after my not so great weekend, sooo im going to the movies tonight! very cool im getting to see harry potter again, not so cool i have to go alone but not the end of the world either...but it so helps that its on campus otherwise i wouldnt have even considered going. ive been thinking about it all day for random bursts of excitment..i cant wait for the next book and movie to come out..both sometime in 07 and that seems like light years away..classes were ok minus practice..for some reason i just dont like the class and i really conisder not going every week..i dont know if its the teacher or the class but i just dont like it..bia was well bio and i didnt do great on the quiz today.stupid mistakes again..now im just waiting until its time to trek across campus for the movie..inadvertantly i was looking at some of my old old writings, poems and things and yea i learned i can be incredibily morbid but some are good i guess and some are just weird and some i have no earthly idea how i came up with them..its like i will write them with a disclaimer just to remind myself none of it was from exprience..otherwise yea i might be convinced i should be in a hospital or something but anyway..i think ive lost my whole zest for poetry or something..im only working on one right now but looking at the dates ive been working on it for like 8 months! i guess writing is one of those things you cant rush or something..i finally printed out all that stuff yvonne wrote for my benefit and reading them just makes me smile..prolly easier for me to understand than some random person since most of them have so turned into you had to be there to understand..still i think ill keep them, embarassing or not..maybe ill take them with me next time i have to see arran, if nothing else they will keep me from freaking out..ive also been getting a lot of questions from catrina about cutting and it gives me stuff to think about and question but she like everyone else still has the ultimate goal of getting me to stop hence somehow i figure out that it really is dangerous..and its not that i dont know i just dont bother to care about it most of the time. but still i consider it most of the time...like today when it was killer hot and i had on long sleeves because my arm isnt in order yet to get away with short sleeves yet..i have to wait for scars to finish fading out enough to be ok with them again..stupid me for cutting that low anyway..anyhoo movie time and i dont want to be sad before i go to the movie so ill finish tomorrow

awareness

today was s/i awareness day and i actually remembered..not that i did anything..hmm well i posted a couple places but that was about all..mostly i just stayed at home..i did clean up some and i played sims and checked some class stuff but mostly i just watched tv and played online..and now im watching one tree hill for the first time in my life but its about a school shooting..so it got my attention..its actually pretty interesting at least..

long day

finally im starting to feel half way normal again...i might actually try to listen to what mommy said and not worry about it for now..sure it will only last for a few days but i need a break so ill take what i can get..today was well a heck of a long day..classes should just be banned and lets make the world a better place...still woke up feeling like i had been run over with something my back hurt so much..what ever i did i swear ill never ever ever do it again! but its getting better now so maybe its not so bad..policy was ok, practice bores me to tears..and i finally finally managed a 100 on my bio quiz and then of course i started swearing i put the wrong answer down and hmm maybe i failed but still i know i should have made a 100..rats now ill worry until thursday when i get my score back..anyhoo hlth was ok..depressing but not horribly so..i think it will take me the whole semester to get used to that class..and while im on the subject why havent i gone to get an hiv test? well besides the obvious i dont have a reason but still now i think it would make me feel better to be 100% sure. hmm got to finally catch an episode of supernatural and that was gret of course..my weekly scare and decent looking guys are always fun for an hour of my night..and thats pretty much how dull my day was..took my vitamin yay me..and im such a dork but still after almost 6 months of skipping them heck 2 weeks is an accomplishment.

randomly today i was thinking how much i want kids..like seriously..and once i realized where it was going i stopped the thoughts or tried to..but still its like weird everyone expects me to have kids first! do i look like a parent or something? is it written somewhere that i am destined to have kids?? and then i think of growing up and how i was so positive i wanted to have kids..twins actually..two little girls..one would be named nicole of course and the other i dont know yet but my first daughter just has to be nicole..other wise she really will be forgotten completely..i think she has been forgotten but i try to remember even if it is just what ive been told i still try eventhough it makes me so sad *deep breath*..hmm right now im really liking savannah or sierra as names for daughters..i think those are pretty names..i think of if ill see olivia over break or justin and julius..suddenly i miss all my kids i watched..the more i think about it though the more its like my drive for having kids really has nothing to do with the kid..yes babies are cute and soft and completely lovable without trying and for some reason smell so good all the time minus the diaper arena..but really its nothing to do with the actual kids..its for the relationship. having a baby is like having someone who needs you completely, they depend on you for safety, food, love, all of that stuff without attachments..so i realized that today..and then of course i got back around to my usual stuff as in heck no im not having kids..one im not doing what it takes to get kids and the actual having a baby part makes me hurt thanks to all the stupid hospital birth scenes on tv where the women scream bloody murder at everyone..funny yes but still painful and im not sure i could take a shot in the back..yet another ouch factor..and besides i would be a horrible parent..all that stuff about how you turn out to be just like your mom is something i just odnt happen to want and if it takes not having kids to make sure it doesnt then so be it..maybe henry or nia or wayne even will have kids before me and i can help them...henry and nia most likely..i told henry once that when he had kids i would just keep them for him to make sure they did things like eat ..henry will need all the help he can get when it comes to kids lol..hmm was it him or wayne who put the diaper on backwards?! not that i can speak heck i put shoes on the wrong foot..another good point my kids are so going barefoot until theres like 3 and then ill just put letters on the bottom of their shoes for them and save myself the trouble..hmm ok rant on kids over for now..its just creepy that sometimes i still want kids, huge responsibilty or not..but it wont be happening any time soon, any time in the near or far future either if i can help it...

hmm the weather is weird as anything..to hot but im cold, to cold but im hot..i swear rawl just induces hot flashes when you walk in the building that had the heat on so high..ugh..and as much as i hate being hot,,im possibly working at a camp..essh but that interview will be next week and i cant forget that..along with a bunch of other stuff i will have to get done..oh well ive rambled enough i guess and now im tired

sick

im sick of being sad

sunday

for some reason these days just never want to end. i have no idea what to do with myself..i did my hair at least it was starting to annoy me and thats about all..i havent even cleaned up the huge mess i left in the bathroom. i got a call about the camp thing and i have to do a phone interview next week for that. otherwise are the same i guess but i did talk myself into painting last night..weird pictures that i of course cant explain..started a new book and nothing is on tv so im watching dark angel..i really want to watch higer ground and im not sure how that will make me feel..sometimes its ok and sometimes its not. one of these days mommy is going to catch me lying about the church stuff..i really really hope that she doesnt but still it makes me feel guilty..i know i dont go and i have yvonne on call to lie for me if it even comes up and mommy asks her if i go to church or something...it really shouldnt be a big deal and it is..and hmm sometimes i wonder if i should go back and at least give it another try but church just isnt my thing..maybe its just religion in general or maybe its just i dont trust what i cant see..ok ill go for the last choice..i dont even trust what i can see..hmm im back to letting everything slack off again, i dont want to be bothered but yvonne is worried and paying a bit more attention to me when she can..she got into a play and now she will be uber busy and ill be by myself alot..not that im worried ill do anything because ill just bore myself to tears and sleep more than i should to keep myself from doing anything..i dont want to be bothered and i dont want to be alone really either..thats like the sad and mad thing..theres always something that has to be at odds with each other in my head..it cant just leave me alone...im trying to think of something i want to eat but ive munched all day on junk food and now i want to go b/p but i dont want to cook to have a reason to but its one of those things i just know ill do eventually and i should go ahead and do it to get it over with..so wants going on that has completely screwed my head up for my weekly crisis..i found out thursday that i wont be getting fin aid for next semester and its not like i have thousands of dollars just lying around for me to use..its my fault it happened though and if i hadnt screwed things up for almost two years then my grades wouldnt have sucked and i would have graduated on time and i wouldnt be stuck now..mommy says not to worry and i said ok but i will worry i am worried..i dont know what im supposed to be doing..i keep thinking that if i am suicidal then i have to tell someone..im stuck telling someone and so i keep talking myself out of it but it takes so much work doing that..finding something to stick around for..and now linda and jenny are asking me to make sure i dont go anywhere..talk about random conversations..it really sucks promising that though.feeling to much and nothing is dulling it out..still i promise to try and i think about what happened to susan and she said she would try and i havent heard from her in overa year, she promised to try and she didnt..no idea where she is or even if shes even alive anymore..and that sucks because i really really wanted her to be ok..we were supposed to do so much stuff, we talked about the oddest stuff and it was ok with her..but now i dont know..too much going on..my whole little be nicer to myself im so planning on starting that in a few weeks..after you know i stop sucking so much

long day

no better, a little worse. still wanting to go away but i dont know..yvonne is worried and that my fault to for writing what i did in my other journal..maybe i did want her to worry but not that soon..she in turn wrote this whole long thing about why im around and eventually got around to telling me she needs me and i dont get that often..i dont ask for it either but this morning when i read what she wrote for the first time it was a huge surprise..some of that stuff i had forgotten and she said she is going to add more stuff to the list and i told her not to and she said she will anyway..im hoping she will forget about it. maybe ill print it out so ill have it just to have. i still cant really put whats going on in my head into words yet..im so mad and sad at the same time..no idea how they work so well together but for now they are and i think it will all just end up with me at the health center getting my leg looked at..still its starting to not hurt anymore and all i want to do is add more to them..well not burn again but i dont know about that either really

hurt

everything in my head is just yelling at me to say im fine and i really really really want to but them i remember why i wont be able to sleep tonight and i know im not really fine..if i said i was fine all day long then maybe ill get around to believing it again. i think ill have to come up with something else to be besides fine. oh like maybe the whole truth..not that i lie i just dont like ppl worrying and fine is just fine..not good not bad just somewhere in the middle. at least i was calmer today..but ive learned calm is not exactly always a good thing..im still stuck in major blame and nothing is helping..i keep trying to make it go way and nothing is working..prolly not picking the safest things i could think of to try but im not really into dangerous zone either..yet..and everything hurts and im not complaining but i wouldnt mind sleeping off all of it for a long while..i want to forget what ive done but i cant do that either..now i just wonder what im doing and what ive done in less than 24 hrs and why it wont stop and why it has to hurt and why i just cant manage to make it all go away.

if today got any better i would be dead and even thats not good enough..this is my fault and nothing will change that

dont know

something is seriously bothering me i just dont know what yet...kinda funny i got completely lost in the hospital today..all the construction around the hospital had my usual way blocked off..so i learned a new way and maybe the hospital isnt as creepy as i like to think it is..i found the gift shop..but crossing the street is still really scary with the whole moving cars thing..hmm today i figured out that maybe im not a compelete lost cause..why i dont know but since i dont see it ill let to let other ppl see it for me..and i got that i dont really need mommy to make myself feel horrible..ive perfected the art of being mean to myself..the whole control thing will take some time as will a heck of a lot of other stuff..im trying incredibly hard to not start yelling at myself cas i really want to just to do it..still working on the emotion thing and so far ive learned that i spend most of my sad for some reason and the rest of the day i dont but i can pick out saddness..and if i take out love the info i got isnt that bad..i think before i pull out the book on parents even though i can think of 50 million reasons for why thats not a good idea but if im gonna do it i have to start before next week..the closer it gets to the 10th the more ill end up getting stuck in my own little world..or suicidal which ever works..but anyway what i thought up on the way home..im not seriously scared anymore and i dont know when it happened but the thought just kinda threw itsself at me today..still a bit scared of talking because i know eventually all my ok topics will be talked out and theere wont be anything left to talk about except everything else..but im not scared over the reactions anymore kinda or against my better judgement im learning how to trust..slowly but learning all the same. hmm my head hurts but i have to get going...

so

march 1 is s/i awareness day and besides the fact of forgetting it every year i really think i should at least remember it...i saw a post about somewhere online a couple weeks ago and thought about it and then forgot about it..so much for awareness if i dont even hear anything about it..i was thinking about it last night for some reason and not that i have anything to do about it..so i posted it a couple places just so other ppl would know.

tired but im really about to start getting ready before i manage to miss the bus

im pretty sure i waws thinking of something else when i started writing but now im forgetting it so ill finish later i think.

depressing class

the more interesting my health class gets the more depressing it gets too..and we had a speaker today a guy living with aids and he was a good speaker and he got his point across..good grief he got it across and yea i so know im not doing anything that would put myself at risk and yet im still scared i will get this virus or some other life threatening disease and then ill die..its like ok so im never touching anyone and im never doing anything and ugh i think im just overly paranoid..and every week in class just makes me more worried i will get something..i leave myself open to infections enough now i dont really need or want anyone else giving me anything..so im in class listening to this guy talk about his mistakes and it was hard listening to it because he didnt come right out and say you know by the way i have aids..no it was talk for a while, ask us to questions and then ask how it is he would now..by then i was wondering but i wasnt sure and not to be a complete spazz but he looked so normal and healthy and not what ever image i happen to have of someone with hiv or aids..it was surprising in a lot of ways because he went through a lot and hes dealing with what he has to and of course acceptance managed to come up and it was just a depressing talk even though things worked out for him..and so i came home and so told yvonne to be safe because well just because

i didnt skip any classes today..even when most of the class left early in bio.i stuck it out because getting the notes off line just wouldnt help me because i wouldnt even read them..i need to write them down and so ill be stuck in class every time not leaving early..practice bored me..policy turned out better than i was expecting it too..i got my paper back today and i was so convinced i had done horribly on it and i was ready to just you know cry in class or something equally weird and i ended up getting 9 out 10 points..so much better than i was hoping for because by the time i even turned it in i was just hoping to get higher than a 5..and we got out early in health depressing class or not..and then i went to the store with shameeka and that was fun and i got rent and now im watching it..although im pretty sure it wont make me feel much better..hello movie on aids here..talk about bad choice of movies but i like it all the same and i wouldnt have been able to buy it without watching it and now ill juts stay up..and i found out my phone got here today and its at the office so im going to try and get it tomorrow before i have to head over to hike around the hospital..i really want it because my phone now i just want to throw out the window..ive wanted to throw it at the wall a lot too just because i dont want it or like it and its just an argument magnent or something...so ill get that tomorrow and so how i managed to get all my work caught up that has been due lately and i havent done it..even did good on my grade replacement thing..talked to henry and as usual that was fun and dusti is well being dusti..and im going back and forth so i guess im done for the night

tuesdays should be banned

i dont want to go to class
im putting off getting out of bed and i think im gonna be late anyway
and i dont want to see what i managed to do yesterday.hmm but ill have to look at them at some point. maybe i should take care of them or maybe ill do it tomorrow.

random

woohoo actually been taking my vitamins for a whole week...so it took all day to come with one halfway good thing.

otherwise hmm same old same old..so i drowned out the night with sitcoms..and house is not a show for me..geez that doctor made me mad..i miss strong medicine and it sucks they ended the show..now i have to work on getting the dvds..guess thats all..im working on some new project not sure how it will turn out but ive decided i will just have to figure out some way to like and be nice to myself that kinda wont end up with me dying..and im pretty sure i would rather suffer a year of math classes but oh well..something about sacrifices comes to mind..nah a year of math would lead to suicide so i guess im taking the good part of the deal. how its gonna happen i dont know but i guess ill have to think of something eventually.

the journey

The Journey- Mary Oliver


One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

little steps

i go down stairs this morning and see all this stuff on the floor and for a second i seriously thought something had exploded..and then i remembered we had a silly string war last night..yvonne came back last night with her mom and i got vday presents from her mom and she gave us silly string again..and we proceeded to empty both cans in about 20 mins and now its all over the walls and carpet..and it was fun last night but cleaning it up is going to be a killer..dusti and ming cant decide what it is so they go back and forth between sniffing it and advoiding it..kinda funny because when we were spraying each other with it last night they were hiding and we did it with yvonnes mom sitting right there..not that she wwas yelling at us because she was giving tips on how to get each other lol..but yvonne did start it this time..i think i started the last one we had and i still lost it becuase someone i got trapped in my room covered in silly string..and then she took dusti for ransom and i had to get mind for ransom and still i lost but it was..and i got a really cute ducky washcloth and car ebear chocolate and umm hot toddy drink mix which im not sure i like because you put whiskey in it but ive never had it so i dont know..i might just give it to yvonne because i know she likes it and a few others things and it was really nice..

fun aside im in a really crummy mood and if i could feel any worse right now i have no idea what i would be doing..its just im getting so mad at what i did and the more i try not to think about it the more i notice it..and the more i just think about how bad i am and how much i suck and it keeps going back and forth between them..im trying hard to keep it from going any farther than that but its not working great and its making me want to cut..and as i was talking to myself this morning i keep telling myself to stop it and its funny because the sec i say stop i do for like 5 secs and then i start again..for some reason im refusing to let myself forget what i did and as annoying as it is its getting on my nerves..ive been at it all morning and the yelling at myself doesnt hurt but my side does and i really just want to stop and cry and i wont and i really want someone to tell me it will be ok and i wont go ask because that would kinda mean id have to come up with some reason for my side to be hurting in the first place and i wont do that either and the meds i ttook this morning made my headache go away but its like my side is hurting more the longer im awake..and the more it hurts the more upset i get..i should have known better..this is just a sucky day..stupid ongoing day and i would prefer to juts stay in bed and forget im alive but im not sleepy and just laying in bed would make things worse..not even thinking about rent coming put is lifting my mood..i want to throw something and i guess its a good thing i have nothing breakable handy i really just want to destroy something..theres only so much i can handle doing to myself..so thats out...or maybe not..that would be two weeks down the drain..i dont care i just want my head to leave me alone..accept the inevitable and forget about it...i just kinda know i wont make it through the day..and i know ill just feel worse about it but for now thinking about that i have to get out of bed at some point and go to campus and if i just go now i wont think clearly about anything and it would be a waste.. i have to calm down for one thing or else i wont even make it out the door..its like ok deep breath and some where in there concentrating will start but it wont be enough..nothing works

a little bit earlier i was randomly looking at my collection of books and i had forgotten i had one on acceptance..prolly because i havent finished it yet but i looked at it for a little while and lucky me and actually at the part on acceptance..read it for a min got annoyed and put it back...one of these days ill get around to finishing it..took me almost a year to read the one on parents and that was after swearing off ever finishing it but curiousity got the better of me and i finished it..and thinking about it now makes me remember why i didnt even like it..ugh stupid ook anyway and i didnt believe any of it.maybe i just didnt want to..right now everyhting really really bothers me but not what i wanted to write about anyway..why cant i accept anything? everything is stupid..nevermind

really bored

its only 8 and im already considering going to bed..its either go to bed or stay mad at myself..for some reason i didnt realize until i started hurting that i b/p 3 times in less than 24 hrs..i dont know what i was thinking but now it just hurts moving because my sides hurt alot right now..randomly noticed it while i was laying on the floor playings sims..so i ate ice and now i cant stop shaking either..right now everything sucks and hurts..i feel like im gonna fall apart for some reason..its like well i wanted to hurt and so i am but when i was thinking about it i didnt exactly want this..and now im done complaining..but i remembered the other part of what i was thinking about last night while i was reading..it was boundaries..i couldnt remember what it was this morning when i was writing..but it said that we make boundaries as kids and there in place by the time your 2 and they either stick or get screwed up..as a kid what do you need bounudaries for? i cant come up with any reason for having them that young and ive been thinking about it but then i had to consider what my definition for boundaries was..and i think its like your either blocking something or protecting something..i know everyone has boundaries but i dont know when or why i made them and i cant even think of any i happen to have..i pretty sure i have some but with the definition im thinking of i cant get any to come up..maybe i have the wrong definition of what they are...im being really stupid because ive taken enough classes that i should know the correct definition of the word anyway and i cant think of it..i cant think of how they are made either..its like the personality thing..my theory is that kids are just born with a certain personality and then it grows as they do and its pretty much set by the time they hit school age but changes can still be made as things happen in life..and that makes sense just because well it does.my personality is umm boring at best i manage to bore myself..but if i cant even figure out who i am i cant really say my personality is stuck..i think it changes like every week..so what makes a person who they are? why do ppl do the things they do..or more specific why do i do what i do..since it eventaully gets back to me somehow..life would be grand if i could figure out one little detail about anything but right now im not sure what im trying to figure out anymore..i half talked it over the someone is lying to me thing i wrote a few days ago and what i keep getting centers on self esteem and lack thereof and that for some reason mommy has managed to get me to believe all of this stuff that isnt true..and it sucks because i keep trying to come up with excuse i can think of to get the blame and its just not working..like when i try really hard to define why im a bad person and i cant think of anything..its like having someone sit there and tell me over and over i suck just because they can until i believe and then years later i find out that maybe im not really bad but then all the other stuff wont go away..and i dont like any of it but its like really what will be lefet once its all gone..i dont know how exactly but i know eventually i will get around to making it all go away..and for half a second suicide came up but the problem with that would be thats kinda forever and i dont think i want that..i would miss my movies to much to be shallow for a second..sometimes i feel guilty for promising that i wont do it when i guess if i was weighing the options seriosuly i wouldnt care much about what i promised..unless it didnt work and then i wouldcare because then i would have to go and tell them what i did..not that it would matter much since she lives half way around the world..besides if it didnt work i would be in so much trouble..ok changing subjects before i start thinking about all the reasons suicide isnt gonna work..umm all ive done is seriously confuse myself right now..im just to annoyed with myself to want to think about anything right now...i cant believe i let myselffor what ever reason b/p that much..i couldnt have been that bored..ok so i was but it was more than that..im trying hard not to cut so to know if i can do it or not and in the process ive gone back to b/p when it does the same thing just in a different way..before i would have given up the purging without a second thought and now i dont know..i still dont like it and i still dont want it but im still doing it..or maybe its just i was looking at my arm today while i was wearing a tshirt and i can see where i have cut and they are random spots on my arm and if the weather keeps being stupid and it gets to hot for long sleeves ill be in a lot of trouble if mommy sees my arms..ive been thinking hard for a new place to cut to stop the scars from showing as much as it always goes back to my wrist because if i leave them alone long enough they go away completely..my wrist is just starting to look normal again but still mostly i think about just going back to cutting there again..weird thing with having to see them..thats mostly why i dont like doing my legs..i cant see them like during the day..and its only been two weeks nothing great i guess but if im purging it doesnt count as stopping..technically speaking they all are done on purpose..no i dont have the flu and accidently had to throw up dinner..its stupid and doesnt make sense and i suck for doing any of it in the first place and now i dont know

finished my book

since im just laying here trying to get my head to stop hurting i figured i would write here to stay just a little bit busy..the puppy is laying on my legs and dusti is prolly wondering over the house because the puppy is laying on my legs and my door is open..but anyway nothing much to talk about..wasted most of yesterday doing god knows what and today i cleaned up a little bit and i cant decide if i want to tackle making lunch or not right now..maybe in a little while i guess but i finished my book last night..a million little pieces and lies or not it was a really good book, the ending was sad and someways and good in other ways but still the whole book just really made me think about life in general..like how addictions can really screw a person up..and how technically speaking they never really go away.. for some reason i always thought that if you went to treatment and stopped then you were considered 'cured' but it doesnt work like that..its just this ongoing battle between right and wrong in a way and it turns into how strong can you be to get through it..one one level it seems like such a waste to work so hard at trying to overcome something just to turn around and learn that it will just always being the background wanting for the chance to jump at you..but then its like you are constantly proving you can beat it and stay sober or whatever the addiction happens to be..maybe its better knowing and maybe its not...so what makes an addiction an addiction..is it a habit that got out of control or something thats not technically good for you that has turned into a need, something you cant live withoout and see no way of giving it up? or it could be as simple as wanting something regardless of the consequences..reading that made me so glad i never tried drugs ..ok that and the requeim for a dream movie that scared me away from drugs for my life..it was like watching people at there worse and then watching it go a step farther..its like being trapped in something you cant get out of..and if with help it doesnt go away things cant look that bright..maybe it will be a test of character and strength for the ppl who do manage to make it through..maybe they found what it takes it make it and keep making it because they know how bad it can get...or maybe in just being a spazz and thinking way to indepth about it..

early night

im going to bed soon because im bored and for some reason making plans for tomorrow..i slacked off and didnt really do any homework today but i will need to get it done while im not doing anything tomorrow..sidenote yay me i get to wear shorts for tonight anyway..kinda sad that still makes me happy..so umm didnt really make it through the day without b/p now all im hoping for is that i wont be sick tomorrow..that whole adverse affect thing kinda really sucks and ive been trying to find something to do but thanks to the sleepytime headache stuff im slowly turning loopy..and now its kinda fun listening to my head..i wonder if it will snow tonight, its cold enough for it if the rain would stop..rain is depressing so it can keep raining but then it will just turn into ice and thats not fun. i wanna go to the movies and if i could talk someone into going and seeing eight below that would make my week..not counting on it and i really hope it will still be out when i go home for break..i know riley and harris want to see it.

thinking

am i undervalued? ive been thinking about that sense yvonne mentioned it the other day..i cant decide on it

i want to do something i just dont know what it is going to be..i want a new movie im getting a new movie on wed and im trying to talk myself out of ordering out because i wont do anything but b/p..its just looking really appealing right now..maybe i need to go clean up the kitchen until i stop thinking about what i want to eat..i have every intention of cleaning the kitchen though because its starting to annoy me..i just want to hurt right now not a lot but enough to get things back on an ok level.

i finally got to upgrade my phone yesterday because my phone now is just way to small and half broken thanks to dusti..im surprised i managed to keep it working for as long as i have..but by friday by new phone should be here..i cleaned my room this morning and that kept me a little busy for a while and then i just took a really long break with dusti because it is funny watching her attack her new toy..mostly she just napped next to me while i was reading..rent comes out tues and i cant get it until wed..ill have to remember something to talk about on wed but its not like my weeks are that exciting..my life would bore everyone..maybe ill color or look up new books online..ive been trying to remember to work on the identifying emotions part of the mindfulness stuff and its kinda hard and im still not good at catching most of them..like right now i feel sad but 5 mins ago i felt alone and 30mins before that i was nervous and before that bored and before that i dont remember but i go through what ever emotions i do have really fast..most are gone before i have the chance to even think about why its there..oh well. im dog sitting for the night since yvonne went home with allen i dont mind..not like i had plans on doing anything any way

awake

after 12 hours of sleep i really should be really rested and i am kinda..more than i have been all week and im feeling better today at least..im just hanging out in bed because yvonne has company and im staying out of the way. not sure what im going to do today. i have to type up some stuff for class and clean my room since i have stuff all over the floor again..