thinking.. i need a hobby

lots of thinking lately..and thats saying a heck of a lot because im always thinking about something..its like my day isnt complete if i dont completely tear apart some issue and figure out nothing..stupid i guess but hmm yea i spend a lot of time thinking about e verything possible..lately its all about stuff i half talk about with my doc...it is funny that well i cant get away with much with her..not that im really trying to its just a habit..but i learned a long time ago she has no problem just sitting there if i dont want to say anything...i dont like having to start talking but im getting a little better at it, very very slowly and i jump topics really fast...my mind just wonders all over the place when im there some of it relevant and some of it not but focusing becomes a huge hassle when im way off in left field thinking about something that doesnt even make sense...but anyway i thnk i do it when im writing too lol..so ive been thinking about acceptance well still thinking about it because i havent figured it all out yet...i wont stop until i figure it out..and i just dont think i like want im thinking of..first off i dont even know how i know if im accepting emotions since that seesm to be the starting place...like yesterday i was incredibly sad and feeling alone and i know that and i dont think i did anything to ignore them but i dont know if i accepted them either? but after i somehow learn to do all of that then what comes next? the more ithink about it the more i am positive i havent even started accepting any of the things i do..im still get to much guilt/shame from doing them in the first place and i dont want to accept them...accepting them would mean i know why i do it and some days i do nknow but thats like i dont want to know why i do it..and that would be a great example of not accepting stuff but its hard..i know that at somepoint i would make a complete circle and have to go back to the beginning but i didnt think it would be now...somewhere in my head im telling myself its time to finish growing up..its just hard trying to explain how i stopped in the first place..its just something i know i did, not exactly sure how or why but it just happened..like the other night i got the innocence chat from alexis and it was because i had talked to riley on the phone and he was asking about alexis becasue she was here but he didnt know her and i was talking to him but you could her and yvonne in the background and riley wanted to know who was the youongest and sometimes i do forget alexis actually is the youngest out of all three of us just like it would be hard to believe im the oldest...by yvonnes standards i am the youngest in the house..literally speaking and not age wise but i really am..but we got on who corrupted who and it got around to the fact that i still have this innocence about me..some call it innocence i just call it being extremly naive...there really is a huge part of me that is stuck in kid mode and it just comes out in little ways like i dont talk about sex at all..yvonne has me cover my ears if im in the room when she is talking about it...and it would just be as simple as m esaying no but i seriosuly dont want to hear what she is talking about...my dating status has come up only once in the whole year i have lived with yvonne and that was a few weeks ago and even then it lasted like 5 mins ..i said i didnt like anyone and that was the end of it..but if i am 22 and have never been on a real date what does that say about me? overall i dont care because guys one on one just makes me nervous but im not gonna go out and start dating either..although it does hurt my feelings when i go home and everyone swears i have this secret boyfriend somewhere..i would swear mommy still thinks i will turn up pregnant one day..considering she pretty much called me a slut when i didnt even know exactly what sex was..interestingly enough when i told my doc about the nun thing she didnt laugh and for somereason im thinking that is really important i just dont know why yet..i dont even know what i was expecting but i know that i wouldnt ever really become a nun because right now i would be considered one anyway in the whole not sleeping with one part..im not religious enough to last as a nun..i dont plan on having kids or anything so im not worried about it much but its like kinda hard to explain to anyone else...for somereason with me it never comes up if i have ever slept with anyone at all...and what happened a long time ago im not even sure happened...so anyway i prefer to stay away from everyone and i dont happen to like myself enough to deal with sosmeone else liking me...it makes it to confusing when i am forever trying to tell someone they shouldnt like me when i cant understand why they like me in the first place....anyway yea i am lacking in certain areas i guess..but at the same time having that whole non grown up part of me makes me be able to deal with kids a lot better...i like being with riley and harris even when they are completely getting on my nerves in the end i really do like them...its when we are just sitting there watching a movie and one of them sits in my lap or when harris wakes me up at 5 in the morning to get in the bed with me or when i let them help me cook or play games with them on the computer or board games or knowing that they like the movies i like..but if i suddenly grow up what would happen? come on some nights i have to have a nigghtlight because im afraid to sleep in the dark...not that i sleep much now since i left my bear at home..

wandering off..guess ill finish later on

pieces in the puzzle..

i knew that eventually i would figure it out and just like i have always tried to ignore it i knew what it was...i like to say i live in my own little sheltered world where i cant get hurt and ill be safe from everything..i just never realized how big that world suddenly got and how much of what i see no one else sees at all..my supposedly safe place is just a bunch of lies that have gotten to the point that i cant really seperate them anymore..well without help but thats a while nother story...my reality is a way to protect myself, was a way to protect myself and now i dont know anymore, my reality doesnt make thigns go away it just ignores half of them and makes the other half okay, bad or not its all ok...the point behind all of this? ive been thinking about the whole acceptance thing and i was having trouble figuring out why it was that i wasnt getting it and just refusing to see all of it...i knew if i thought about it long enough i would figure out a but to the whole thing and i did but not in the way i wanted it to be....accepting the emotions would be a start but it will get to the point that i will have to accept all of it..every stupid measly horrible part of my life and who i am..it means i will start growing up, it means i will see everything for what it is, i will begin to realize that a lot of how i am doing things really is hurtful to me not someone else...

wondering

this is one of those times my head is off in its own little world and im just trying to not get way to sad about things...hmm maybe trying not to get anymore sadder than i am...my good thing for the night though i talked to holly and shes out of the hospital! she has to quit school for a while though but im glad she is doing better and im glad shes out now since i was worried...i talked to jenny earlier today to and that always makes me feel better and i was doing ok and then i dont know..now im not..ive been thinking alot about what i talked about today and now i have 50million questions about all of it....im back to worrying about my field placemnt..im worried they will say no and then i dont know what ill do i really dont...cant get my thoughts together..ill write tomorrow

not guilty

im not guilty...im feeling way to calm to even consider being guilty...but i am really ashamed of what i did...and that by its self is enough to make me want to cry but i tried not to..e.verything just turned into one big trigger and i should have stopped watching what i was watching but i didnt and it was like watching mommy on tv..same situation, same thoughts and words..same everything and because im the way i am i managed to turn it all around and scare myself into thinking mommy is just randomly going to turn up one of these days and find out im still cutting and stick me in the hospital...i cant finish my homeowrk, i cant finish anything right now and i dont want to go to class tomorrow either because i dont know what to write about..i dont want to have to sit in class and be out of it...i just i dont know...now i want to talk but i cant...i just cant

fear..

fear is a really sucky thing...

things i should do

ive been lounging around all morning and i really should move it and get ready and go to campus and do anything productive...but i dont want to i would rather juts stay in bed and waste time and do nothing and think myself into having another majorly painful headache...so ill prolly do the between one and get up in a little while since i have to go to campus for a meeting anyway...im just not feeling good..just a crummy low grade i would rather stay in bed than do anything else feeling..maybe it will go away, im hoping it will but if not then i dont know..maybe ill make tea and that will wake me up enough to start doing stuff instead of playing online wasting money..i bought two new books today...bad me but i really want to read them..considering im behind in all my class reading i shouldnt have ordered them but i still wanted them and i would have gotten them eventually so now or then who cares...the cookies and cream and oatmeal raisin luna bars are really really good i think i have new favorites! weird enough yesterday i wasnt hungry and that worried me because i wasnt doing it on purpose..but im ok today i think and i ate breakfast and had to fight getting sick but thats ok to since i just went and layed down until the sick feeling passed enough for me to get up again...there is going to be pizza at the meeting this afternoon...ill be careful though

im tired
i want to go to sleep but im not sleepy enough for that
i have things to do
im such a slackers
essh

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."

values?

what are my values? i always think this is one of those questions i should be able to answer without having to think about it for 3 days. now i have to write a paper on it and i cant even figure it out. i have to write about my most important value, the one that rules every other value i have and how it affects me. it bothers me that i dont know...

im such a dork

mulan is on

i love watching mulan

well that and i know the words to the whole movie songs included lol

gotta love disney :)

---

after a few hours

yvonne got me a happy meal :) and chocolate chips so i made cookies..well i was supposed to make cookies but anyway...trying not to think about how much i ate because it was fun

funny how the little things make a day brighter...ok so i need more to do with my time but thats so beside the point here!

jumpy

i had to turn in my application today and its making me really nervous..i dont even hve it anymore and im still worried about it..i might have done something wrong or left something out even though i checked it and rechecked it and everything was there...why i was close to crying this morning i dont know but it was weird..to much stress...just incredibly on edge right now

another day

today has been uneventful..did some cleaning, watched some tv, worked out, ate like i have a bit of sense left...overall not bad..a bit dull but hmm i like ive depressed myself enough to just dull everything out...hence ive been thinking about it im not majorly depressed because that comes and goes and doesnt stay long since i rarely spend my days hiding in bed, i prefer to hide in the house but not in bed it gets boring after a while and i coould so spend my time watching cartoons..so anyway not major but just a low grade kinda thing, its always there but it doesnt get in the way of to many things i do...randomly i was trying to figure out today the last time i cut and i really dont remember..i know i did when i got back becuase that weekend classes started was horrible but then its just like hmm ok im pretty sure ive done it but i have no new scars anywhere..weird i guess but im avg'ing its been a couple weeks at least..possibly when i started finding out b/p had its high points..but anyway not really what i wanted to write about tonight...hmm what did i want to write about any way? i dont know just my usual i have nothing else to do might as well bore myself until i can get my head to quiet down...so...the weather is getting gross again, cold and rainy and just the general stay in the house and waste all day weather..i have to finish stuff for my application tomorrow..i might work on my resume a bit tonight while i watch strong medicine..ill catch up on the readings and things ive put off tomorrow too and hmmm i guess i should have been a bit more productive this weekend but not having to watch the puppy doesnt happen often and i liked the peace and quiet of it...i finished the book i was reading last night and it took three days but darnit i shouldnt have raed it so fast..the last book in the series is still kindof expensive and i dont want to buy it yet...and now im just about dying to know what will happen next..ugh..i wonder if its in our library on campus...worth looking into lol..i have to start figuring out an outfit for my interview stuff..i need some new black pants...actually i think i might need a whole new outfit..i feel like shopping anyway...but after i spent way to m uch money last week im laying low on buying anything else for now..ill wait and see what i can pull up..essh i dont want to even consider having to wear a skirt..major no..and i hate dressing up..but guess ill be practicing my walking in boots again...and now im off to waste more time and im going to wash my hair..adios

Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.-- Shari R. Barr

not understanding...

me and my quest for answers is just gonna get me in trouble...ive wasted today more than i have any other day this week..ive dont nothing remotly productive except hang up all the clothes i had lying around my room..and then i just wasted time..wanting to do something but not knowing what..i made bread..i cant believe i was bored enough to make bread but pounding on bread dough has its appealing points to it..kinda fun to but it turned out a lot better this time than it did the first time..i mixed white and wheat flour and left out some of the salt..so yea much better..maybe im not such a screw up..i talked to jenny earlier to and she does always make me feel better...hence she has bunches of pictures that she sends me to make me smile...so that lifted my depression for a while but now its back...when i woke up this morning feeling so sore i promised i wouldnt pujrge..i did everything rigght and i didnt for most of the day..and then i made dinner because i considered i prolly needed to get like a normal person and so i cooked something and cal wise it wasnt bad at all but as i was just standing there looking for something to drink i knew i was going to go throw up...i did but thats not what bothers me because its like ive thought about it enough between then and now and its like an acceptance on my part in a weird way...maybe i need to accept it to let go of some of the guilt and shame of doing it..or maybe its just a way to convince myself that what im doing is ok...either way there is something wrong with all of it...still thats not even what i was thinkingabout when i started writing...ramdonly looking through my older posts on here i realize that im horrible at going back and editting this thing and i have tons of mistakes and misspelled words all over the place...im a slacker and should be killed but anyway..to bad since i dont really care about my spelling..i know what im talking about and i guess that will have to be enough for now..ive gotten better at typing without looking at the keys..a hard won feat at that good grief..and im so off topic ..uummmm *deep breath* i was talking it over with someone today kind of and i said that when yvonne isnt here for a weekend i can wear shorts and that i dont wear shorts anymore because of the scars on my legs...and she asked if it was because i had a problem with them or if i was worried about the reaction..and ive thought about it before but having someone ask me is like being slapped in the face with the obvious..but still i had to stop and think..im still thinking..am i ashamed of my scars? well yea if i make it a point to wear pants and my jacket as much as humanly possible but im afraid of how other people would see me also..i mean its not like they are easy to explain away..and i could say the cat did it like mommy did over new years when i was asked about them but i love dusti and i know she didnt do it and i know that if someone believed she did they would question why i even keep her if she is hurting me right...so i wouldnt do that and they are to straight and to neat to make anyone belive any other excuse i could come up with...but then its harder to imagine them believing the truth..mommy doesnt even believe the truth..talk about being validated..i might do some stupid things but i would be hard pressed to just sit there and let someone cut me more than once....who would believe that i did it? really..me the person who can be so quiet at any given time that i could essentially disappear..the person who never has anything bad or mean to say about anyone...heck yvonne knows exactly what to say to make me so embarrased i dont know what to do with myself and its funny but in a horribly sad way...not that im saying i want to go out and sleep with someone no..but just that ive lived with yvonne for a year now and only once has my dating status come up and that was a couple weeks ago...i never talk about it because its no big deal and no one asks me about it i guess because i dont bring it up but that is so not anything i want to talk about anyway because i dont know but thats for another night or something...anyway yea somehow i have pulled this completely innocent image from somewhere and i dont even know how i got it...given i am seriously lacking in social skills for my age and i know that but good grief you would think i was 10 at times..hmmm so how could i do that to myself? more importantly how could i explain doing that to myself? im pretty sure no one would understand the huge need to punish myself for things i dont even remember doing but i must have done something to feel that need..or that i just dont happen to like myself and i have to be reminded all the time about how much i suck...so much for self image there...there are just so many parts to it..some im aware of and some im not but i guess that doesnt make sense either...so to make a long story short, i like wearing shorts and knowing the reasons why i cant does make me sad and makes me feel incredibly alone but at the same time i know my scars have become a part of me...a comfort of sorts..true sometimes i dont like them and can harldy believe i did all of them but at the same time i know what it took to do all of them in vauge far off details...im being cryptic tonight....now for the other part i guess the question came up today about the choices that come with ed's since i loathe to say it...*choke hack blah blah blah* being bulimic has a lot of down points..leading to health problems etc etc...most of which i know and fully understand but when it comes right down to it..what would my choice be? when i read the question i had every intention of telling her that it would be ok because i wanted to make her feel better...but thinking about it i know that it cant be ok..not when we are playing with serious stuff here...not like this..as much as i want to say ill take the health problems and keep the ed but i know somewhere in myself that i dont really want that..i cant want that ..can i? that would be so so wrong to me but then i guard my ed like its sacred...like somehow i can find a way to make it ok as long as im careful and as long as i keep very strict control over it...as long as no one finds out about it then its ok..because if no one knows then i dont have to admit any of it..i can still eat normally and be ok...its just lately i think that control is starting to slip..its becoming a really big obession in a way ive never had to ddeal with and im not sure i know what made it change..suddenly i have to do it, suddenly there is no choice its do it or suffer and die..some how i made myself realize its not a game anymore..but then i have to wonder if im ready to die? and when i think of that i have to think of everything i want to do..but i cant look for the future when i hate the present so much..i dont know what will happen and as much as i want to know i cant figure it out...right now i want to graduate but after that who knows..maybe by then things will change and ill have something to look forward to but for now its the day to day thing...as long as i wake up in the morning wthout wishing for death ill be ok enough to make it through the day..not that it matters much since i spend most of my days alone..just htinking about everything, looking for answers that i cant find anywhere...asking questions that no one can answer..its not enough..it shouldnt have to be like this but it is..so what am i to do now? want until its serious enough to get me in a heck of a lot of trouble or stop...stop all of it and go from there...but thinking about seriously stopping makes me sad..its makes me want to just run from all of it and forget everything...that would could as not being in reality anymore and where would that get me? more lost than i am now and way more confused..i cant stop...i cant stop without knowing what will happen and no one can tell me..and i dont like that..thats like putting myself in a situation im not sure i can get out of and who knows maybe then i would find the strength to somehow make it all go away but that wouldnt be good...yea sure me yvonne and alexis joke about going to hell all the time and its funny but sometimes i could swear i will end up going to hell for something or other but that is where i will be..the confusing part being im not a really religious person..im not sure i believe in god at all but i believe in heaven and hell..i have to for my sisters sake so that i have just a little bit of peace knowing that she isnt lost somewhere and hurting..but anyway im jumping topics now ..

i spelt last night...yes it was a nice drug induced sleep but nonetheless i spelt all night...no dreams, no thinking just a dead empty sleep until morning...i know i cant do it often because me and addictive things dont need to get to friendly but until i get my bear back im not surei have much of a choice...weird i guess ...

not good i dont think....not good at all

you would really really seriously think i would learn my lesson...i swear my body hates me these days and does things just because it knows i hate the sick/queasy feeling..i wonder if i could be kicked out of my body..where would i go? what would happen to me? ok so back to the land of sucky reality...every time now every time i go and b/p its like my stomach just kicks me in the butt and makes me sicker than i was to begin with...to the point of just sitting still and not moving because i dont want to throw up again..just a huge general i dont feel good i want to go stay in bed for the rest of my life kinda sick...and it will last until tomorrow some time...hopefully not that long since it came on me so fast this time :( close to crying just because im hurting so much physically and it sucks and i told yvonne today that i had a stomach bug or something just incase i do something stupid like barf on the floor without warning...but anyway..im a wimp for complaining..ill just deal with it and get over it and swear once again to never do it again...hopefully...i dont like the sick feeling and i dont know how to even explina why it happens except my body is starting to not like what im doing to it...its getting back at me like that makes any sense at all..so my day..hmm i saw my advisor today because he had to sign my application and i told him about the whole chancellors list thing and i was so embarrased he just heaped on the compliments and i was like good grief what am i supposed to say and he is going to tell prof dunn and dr bass..i said it was ok since i would have gotten around to telling them soon enough but oh well they will know now...i guess its a bigger deal than i thought it was...i dont know i dont care and i just hate that ive made it so it will be expected of me now...ive made the standards so much higher now..i know better than to even think of failing now...now i have to get a step away from being this super person ...that would be my fault..funny how so many things are my fault..i dont even know why i do half the things i do..i want my bear back..i cant sleep without her so ive learned..shes all alone with mommy..its a stupid bear and you would think i had lost a kid..all the same shes my bear and she is a really special one and i want her back..i cant sleep without the help of meds these days...gotta love the meds with sleeping junk in them..anyway im drifting big time now..maybe seriously drifting isnt such a bad idea..it might get my mind off of things...except lately my thoughts just go to the same place...bad bad bad

stupid

i dont know whats wrong with me..

another week

for it to just be tuesday im ready for the week to be over with...i would rather just sleep for the rest of the week and not worry about anything..i woke up early this morning with the intention of getting up but that didnt happen and i just stayed in bed and thought about everything enough to make my headache worse...i wonder how much a person really can sleep? bet it wouldnt be for 4 days thats for sure and its not even like i have anything great to do this weekend either because im the dullest person alive but any way...im working on being really late for class and its gonna be a long long day

painful

today is just one of those days i would rather disappeared from my memory, maybe that is why so much of my head is mixing with things from long ago, i just wished it hard enough and they all went away..probably not possible and all but a nice thought..if it was that easy hmm i dont know i guess if it was that easy to make them go away it would be just as easy to make them come back and thats all the trouble, making them come back...that little spill wasnt even the main thing that was on my mind anyway...society has its views and i should know better than to get trapped in them, good grief i should..im gonna be a social worker for hecks sake and im just a hypocrite..given enough time i can make every last thing i do ok and if i have to rationalize it in the first place i shouldnt do it at all...maybe thats my problem i keep trying to make everything ok because im supposed to because i know on some level it is wrong and a bit dangerous but i havent gotten to believing it yet...so i sit here trying to collect my thoughts while at the same time trying to get my stomcah to not be so mad at me anymore..once again after spending yesterday sleeping because i was feeling so sick i couldnt do anything else to make it go away you would think i would realize that purging in itself isnt great but i ignore that and forget once it stops hurting and i can sit up with feeling like im going to just throw up all over everything...im purging to much again and i know that and im slightly worried i dont care enough right now to bother stopping...eventually i will again but until that happens what then? will i keep it up until it hurts to breathe again or until im worried that throwing up will become automatic and it wont matter if i eat or not because it would just come back up...one for the other i guess..always one for the other..

anyway before all that happened again and i had to start thinking about it again ..i found out another friend is possibly heading for the hospital...one of two reasons for her trip to the er and i know both of them and that does not make me feel better...in a way she had warned me it might be happening and i was scared for her..even more than what i was dealing with i was scared for her..but i know that maybe that is what she needs to start working on things...i tell her to go if it will help but she doesnt have much choice in the matter ... and i was thinking about it today and i wonder when it will be me telling someone i have to go to the hospital? when am i going to let things go so far that i will have to be in the hospital to begin working things out...thats why i asked my doc about it..and she wont put me in the hospital as a reason to get me to stop cutting and i know that if i wanted to i would find a way regardless but still..i asked for my friend because i didnt think it was fair what her doctors were doing but who am i? im losing people to hospitals left and right and that does scare me seriously it scares me almost more than anything thing i do...the places i go to online and the people i meet and every so often i get to know someone who ends up in the hospital or someone dies or someone just disappears...and when that happens i swear i hope they get better and find happiness but when someone dies from an ed or tries suicide and it works or even doesnt work its like why...but i know why and that makes it hurt more because when someone is feeling like that or even when i am the last thing i want to think about is what will happen afterwards, what will happen and what the people i leave behind will go through because at the moment i dont care...i dont want to care because that might make me stop and not do it...if im writing this obviously i havent done it but still point made i guess...but with the ed and si boards i know that every day there is a chance i will find out someone ahs died and what happens then? why isnt that enough to make me stop or at least realize i should work hard to stop and to be healthy and as complete as i can get...but it doesnt happen, its like we all know that we are staring death in the face and yet for some rason it doesnt come after us...we can get by long enough that it doesnt matter..in a way we are all dying, one way or another we are but taking ourselves into making it ok is just another lie..the other day i was told that living outside of reality is just another lie we tell ourselves to get by...gosh i would hope that no one i ever met either in person or on line wouold ever just go away for one reason or another but it has happened..one to many times and ive lost people that i wont ever hear from again, remembering all they helped me deal with isnt enough becuase when they really needed me i wasnt anywhere to be found....for that alone i shouldnt pledge my life to help anyone else when i suck so horribly at it...the times i tried dont really matter do they? when i find out someone is in the hospital..the someone i talked to possibly the night before and who i told over and over to go to the hospital if they needed toom or the person who has talked me into calling my doc more than once when i couldnt decide if i wanted to make the call because i was so scared and lost somewhere in my head...and somehow against everything i wanted to do i managed and they didnt and now im left with no real idea what happened to her...no i havent forgotten her and i still miss her but i also know i will prolly never see her again...and now it will happen again..what will i do

tell me

after started writing earlier and then stopped because i couldnt find the words to say what i was thinking about and now i sstill dont know them but i have the huge urge to just write and leave it alone...if i yelled at myself for the rest of myself i dont think i would ever be completely comfortable having and dealing with my emotions...i dont like them i dont want them i dont want to feel them at all and i try hard ignore all of them... but that all has to change if i like it or not that has to change...good grief im 22 and i couldnt even begin to explain how i feel anything and that is not good...it cant be...but does that count stopping as my little conveyor belt of emotions...i heard that today and it is funny but not in a bad way since it makes sense...but anyway im not sure i know anyway..i dont know what im blocking out anymore...i hate thinking, because i just think about the same stuipd stuff without getting anywhere, and that makes me wonder why i cant figure myself out...there was a speaker at the nami meeting on thursday and he said that if you dont know who you are then you have a lot of work to do...i dont know who i am? i cant even begin to know how i am and im not really sure i even want to know who i am anymore..why do i have to know? why cant everyone just let me be who i can pretend to be...i dont know why everyone is so dead set on helping me..do i want help or do i just want to do what im supposed to do?before i couldnt even answer that at all but i do know i want to deal with stuff im just not sure i want to stop all of it..good and bad of it works if i ignore the bad long enough but really soon it will stop working and then wehere will i be? more lost than i am now and more alone to prolly...does it make me horrible to know i dont really want to stop? but that changes every other day, bad and good, stop vs not stopping...why do i have to figure all of this out? but thinking of that would just lead me right back to my ever so wonderful doc and as weird as it is...i can figure out things at the oddest times that have no relevenance what so ever to what we are talking about and suddenly its like oh wow i do know what that means..she makes me think about stuff i try to ignore and some of it happens like days later after ive thought it into another time period...and i know what it will take to figure out why i want to stop and i havent gotten there yet, right now i still have the comfort of knowing i would never ever seriously kill myself..but once that changes i know i know that it will be choose or die..and as good and nice and convient as that idea seems at times..it cant happen...if nothing else dusti needs me...im the only one who will take care of her...dusti is the only one to share my bed affter harris...weird i guess but im not big on sharing beds...anyway im rambling and losing my train of thought completely...oh now i remember...i asked about shame and guilt today and i still havent gotten an answer i like...i dont know why and i dont even know what answer im looking for but i just know i havent heard it yet...but oh well guess ill keep looking and now im done for now anyway

“Much as we may wish to make a new beginning, some part of us resists doing so as though we were making the first step toward disaster.”

ive besided that change is not the greatest thing ive ever had to consider doing....so much to think about and decide on...

sleepy

i just woke up and im ready to go back to bed, i just want to sleep all i want to do lately is sleep...in a little bit i will actually get out of bed so i can get some things done like the laundry thats been siting on my floor since saturday..i have to go to campus later and i have to call the career place so i can get some help on my resume etc etc...will be a busy day kinda i think. maybe ill go to a movie tonight depending on the time since im not going to campus until later on when its not so crowded and then i can use the computer lab for a while :). classes are ok i guess policy is just going to be hard and i think i should be ok in bio as long as i do the work and keep up with the reading and never miss class! already im thinking of how much i dont want to take bio and im trying to get that out of my head because then ill start skipping class and i cant fail the class...sooo im keeping bio and the health class and ill just have to make sure i have a ride on tuesday nights or else ill have to walk back to campus i dont know yet. i wish the class wasnt way over at minges. but other than that the class was great and for it to be so late i actually paid attention and took notes and everything. i think now i have some ideas for my child in the communities project. but ill have to think on it somemore. i like having an internet class but im goin to have to be really careful about making sure i dont miss any of the due dates for things. i check blackboard almost every day but i might still miss something. hmmm oh yea goal for the week is drinking more water...i dont know who came up with the 8 glasses a day but good grief that is a heck of a lot of water to drink in one day..i dont drink 8 glasses of anything in one day! so im working on it...very very very slowly

fun but thats after the fact

backtracking....friday was a horrible day, fin aid came in and things didnt go as expected so mommy is pissed to hell with me in a sense and spent an hour yelling at me on the phone and trying to tell me what to do to make sure she got what i promised to give her..that was the main thing..and nothing else matered but it didnt work out like that and so now tomorrow i have to go pull more money out and go to the bank and put it in and i swear if my acct gets over drawn because she cant wait one stupid day ill just scream or something...its stupid i was telling yvonne how i had to give my fin aid to mommy and she and alexis were just like 'why?' and of course i couldnt really answer because i dont know..because its just expected of me and she makes it impossible for me to say no and not feel like walking into traffic..so she gets it regardless...some of it she swears to pay back but most of it is just gone and i hate that because im worried it will go back to like it was last semester and if i have to listen to her complain and make it all one sided about how she has given me so much money...when its her fault she had to give it to me..she borrows and borrows and makes promises she doesnt keep and then im stuck without a way to get anything paid and then seh wants to complain and make me feel bad because she doesnt have money..well its not my fault regardless of what i do with my money it isnt and right now i can understand that but whos to say an hour from now i wont be thinking about it and blaming that whole freaking argument on something i did or something i could have done and just made the whole thing a lot worse than it was..but that was a really bad argument and for a while i was feeling really bad and not caring and hmmm oh well..jenny tried hard to make me see how it wasnt my fault and ill thank her for that but maybe im just to good at blaming myself...i dont know ...so anyway didnt mean to write all that...but back to it then..i really wanted to cut yesterday, why i dont know or remember now b ut i did and i purged instead and didnt cut but hmm just to many arguments lately with me ending up wrong and stupid...

so

today has been fun and i had forgotten how much i liked hanging out with yvonne. although i am still feeling jealous over the boyfriend thing but im trying not to be...this morning i had a weird cleaning streak and i was nervous and feeling weird but i dont know why you would have thought mommy waas coming up today and i knew she wasnt. so i cleaned this morning and i didnt even start laundry like i planned to but ill get that done sometime this week. yvonnes mom and grandmother came up today though and when her mom comes it is always fun. her grandmother is like my mom though kinda and she does put a dmaper on things but oh well i got through it. we went shopping and out to dinner and i got to pick the resturant and so we went to ruby tuesdays because they have really good veggie burgers and of course yvonne and i got dessert first :) that is really so much fun and that is why my dinner is sitting in the fridge right now lol. but getting dessert first really makes going out to dinner so much fun and it was this huge cake and ice cream and mousse and cookie deal and it was chocolate and it was so so so good..it was the first time i had one of those and sharing it with yvonne worked out so i didnt like eat this huge death by chocolate thing by myself. and we went to the toe store and yvonne made me stop breathing doing parts of movies i like and i made her stop breathing when we played marry, date, or dump when we got home :) it is fun still managing to surprise her and at the oddest times but i won the game by one point. yay me. purged yesterday though and then turned around and ate way to much. we made a heart shaped brownie yesterday and i got yvonne hooked on a new song that i liked first and its a country song but the guy who sings it is from louisiana and yvonne has family there and she recongized a lot more than i did in the video and so now ive heard the song a million times but its ok..my extremly weird and wide tastes in music do pay off at times. but i did order my books last night and im trying not to start slacking off so early with classes lol..i prolly wont have any books until the end of this week but that will be ok im hoping. since im going to campus tomorrow with yvonne i have to get to bed but just wanted to write some since my head has a tendency to fill up rather easily!

thinking

as usual after my wonderful doc days i have fifty million thoughts in my head...some make sense but most of them are just random things like reminding myself i have to do laundry and things like that...right now the thing that is bothering me most is that i dont want to give up cutting completely and im pretty sure promising to stop every other self destructive thing wouldnt matter...i hate that this is one of those things that i have to decide on by myself and no one can help with..once i decide then there is help but until then there isnt much anyone can do for me. i can safely say i dont like that at all why do i get stuck with all the hard decisions all the same i wait until after i leave to come up with goals but that is ok ill tell her the next time i go back...the good part of today is that i tried really really hard to talk and i did even if i think i sound like such a dork talking period..and i even managed to explain a dream that i thought was weird but wasnt really in some interesting higher i have to look at it from a completely different point of view to understand it way lol..given after it was explained and everything i did understand it alot better but i cant believe one little dream has that much meaning! but then when things come to me i shouldnt be surprised anymore thats for sure...now i understand at least that i wont be able to fix anything if i dont start dealing with all the old stuff, all the stupid little things i have forgotten that i need to remember and admit. no matter how hard i try to forget it will always be there demanding to be noticed. its like i have to resign myself to it in order to even being to face any of it. maybe once i do all of that i will be able to stop the s/i but for now ill work on the little things like remembering to take care of myself on a daily basis...eat on reg basis, stop taking meds for the heck of taking them and tthen not taking them when i should so on and so forth. if i thought about all the little things i dont do it would add up to equal one big thing i guess...but still with all of that comes talking and that just scares me way to much to even try to dwell on right now.. i dont know the dream thing is just so interesting and right now im so annoyed at my head for even thinking up the other two ...the one i talked about today was common ground but talking about it seriously made me want to know what the other two ment..i dont want to talk about the other two because they still scare me and i dont understand them and that worries me...maybe ill write it down and let her read it but ill have to think something up by next week.

now that im done with the depressing stuff for the day ill move on

im going out iwth alexis and yvonne again today and we are going to the movies to see narnia and that i cant wait for. i love that movie so so so much hence ive seen it 3 times...i ate lunch but i really want popcorn lol..i think omvie theatre popcorn is one of my fav foods. seriously.. classes start tomorrow for the school but i dont have anything to do until tuesday and then ill be so busy i wont know what to do with myself..until today i didnt realize i havent done anything for myself about my grades and maybe i should..maybe ill buy myself a new movie or something today when we go out..but anyway just errrands to run tomorrow i think and checking on things for my internet class and cleaning up my junk laying all over the place..nothing to thrilling to tell

odd...

ive always heard the you can laugh so much you start crying line and i never really thought it was possible until tonight. just randomly in ihop i passed the point of laughing and was beginning to cry and how i got theere im not sure i know because we were just talking about the music selection...i had been laughing a lot but that is to be expected when im with yvonne and alexis for long periods of time and we had been quite a few places before ending up in ihop at 2 in the morning..but i dont know i had no reason to cry i just couldnt stop it in a way and me being me got up and went to the bathroom before i seriously started crying because i wouldnt be able to explin why in the first place...its just making me feel weird..we were at the hospital earlier tonight because alexis wasnt feeling right off heartbeats and we went just to make susre she was ok and im glad we went but hospitals just really creep me out and the little while i was actually sitting by myself i was so nervous and scared and its not like anything could have happened but all the same i was worried something would happen, i was close to believing someone was going to just jump out and grab me i was so nervous...and the fact that there are now cops and things and my bag was checked and i have a razor in my bag that i didnt really want found..its on my keychain and its like a letter opener but it works all the same for what i use it for and its not for opening letters...so anyway the whole night has just been interesting i guess..sad i ended up cutting but it was either cut or not be able to sit still all night..cutting won out and it just sucks at how well it works at calming my nerves :(

update

i can safely say i will never ever ever ever in a million years take a drive that long anywhere! good grief my butt is like one huge bruise and now just sitting in the car makes me hurt :miss no thanks! gosh over 24 hours sitting down on the way back and nothing to look at and nothing to do just drove me crazy so many complaints from my mom and uncle and with my brothe rand sister sleeping so much iwas just left to stare out the window and try to sstay comfortable but with the three of us i nthe back seat there wasnt much room anywhere!

being home just got worse after the last time i wrote and i ended up cutting more than once and i seriously considering calling my doc because i couldnt go see her conisdering i was at home and thats a 2 hour drive away and i dont drive...so now im trying hard to get back on track with everything..im back at school and trying to get back in the swing of things and being back on a s chedule...its the new year and its so hard to believe it is 2006..i mean yea im glad its not 2005 anymore but i just hope 2006 leaves me with a better outlook on life..right now things arent looking to bright at all and i dont know..just being home and around my mom just kills what little self confidence i manage to scrape up..and it just makes me feel wrong and stupid and everything...after listening to how selfish and mean i am for so long i forget everything else, i cant believe what anyone else says about me in a good way when its my mom who is constantly on me about how screwed up i am! its just not fair and i dont know what to do to change it..i mean my doc is always asking me if i want independence from my mom and its just so hard explaining why i have to go home and why i cant just not go home...i cant figure it out, i want to be left alone but in a weird way i need her approval and acceptance but i dont know if ill love long enough to get it you know...guess im just being a bit depressive tonight lol..im really in an ok mood though, been watching movies and pigging ouy with my roommate today and right now i dont care...once we get my elliptical up and in order ill figure out some diet to go on and stick to i guess :eek so much to once again work my way through

christmas eve

today is christmas eve and i dont think i care...i cant scrape up enough of anything right now to be happy about and all i want to do is get tomorrow and next week over with so i can leave again...i got a new bag yesterday and my boots came in and they are actually to big for my lower leeg and i cant walk in them either...im guessing by now i should have had more practice with walking in heels but i dont and so i look like im so wobbly on them...kinda funny if i really want to think about it but i guess once im used to them it iwll be ok...have to help cook tonight and tomorrow and my and nia finished all our shopping yesterday and i used a heck of a lot of money but its ok i guess i still have a little for chicago just to take with me..and well i wont give away my g ifts yet but i know most of them already...i got dusti a gift to but i opened it and set it up for her last night ..i dont think she really gets how to play with it but i hope she will considering its almost the same type of toy as me sticking a feather in the fan for her to play with..now that was entertaining..oh me and nia bought a family fued game for the house and played it last night with henry at well 1 in the morning..3 rounds and henry was playing by hisself and me and nia still lost two rounds! but it was a lot of fun and i think we will play again tonight when they get back...

lots of thoughts

thinking about it today i really cant believe christmas is this weekend..it feels nothing like christmas and ive been in a horrible mood and just not really looking forward to it at all...i found out today that in addition to going to chicago we are going to michigan and its bad enough having to be stuck in the car for that long just to go to chicago but going from one place to another in the car in the span of like 4 days is just a lot of sitting still...it gets annoying after a while and we are just taking the reg car and i just know ill end up sitting next to mommy and already im nervous and scareda bout it...never know what will happen in close spaces with mommy and its not like my wrist is up to being noticed much...im just glad it will be horribly cold there...which reminds me i need to find my boots and get them out...

today really hasnt been one of my better days and its all i can do not to go and cut and ive thought about it enough to explain away why i did it and the more i think about it the more i know ill do it before i wake up tomorrow..i just want to hurt in a way..no clear reason why just a random need to know ive done something im not supposed to do i think..still feeling horrible for thinking about it though..i dont know..beisdes being a major pig lately and thats stopping to if i have to convince myself of something stupid to do it...still i have been eating way to much and going home does suck in the aspect that i cant eat the way i normally do and its hard being home with all the junk food around when i dont even allow myself to buy it at school...sucks but ill get it under control again and without b/p..cant do that at home..actually just to big of a chance of getting caught at home and so i cant do it...which in itself is a big deal for me but to the avg person i guess it isnt..oh well iguess..i think im just throwing myself a pity party..and a one person pity party is just blah but good grief i can be really depressing when i want to be

ssdd

i hate my life

long day

today has been the longest day ever and i havent even done anything worth talking about...im watching the grinch again the old one and ive seen it like 4 times already this month and for some reason it doesnt get old...guess this is one of those cartoons that really doesnt get old and i watch it every year and ill prolly watch it ever single year just for the heck of it...but anyway annoyed yet again becasue the boots i want keep selling out before i can get them and that sucks royally because now im stuck with a pair that will be ok but im not sure will fit my leg and its so annoying but all the same since i need some for the trip ill be getting them tomorrow and will just see how it will work out..

Because of You - Kelly Clarkson

"Because Of You"

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

hmmm

i could have finished my other post but thats ok..ill hmm no i wont finish it anytime soon...but anyway i found out yesterday that dee wants me to go with them to the bahamas and i cant go because i dont have a passport and wont be able to get one intime unless i learn something different when i go home but im not holding my breathe on it..yes it would be fun abd yes i would get paid but its not the end of the world either and i will be getting a passport now incase something else like this comes up good grief...

this semester is finally over completely...no more finals and my grades are all in and i can start christmas break...the normal person would be a bit happier about it than i am but i have nothing to look forward too..i found out i got all A's this semester and for 10 minutes i was really really happy about it..but now im just like ok why did i have to go and make all A's now of all times...it cant get any better than that and i guess ppl are just gonna expect i can get really good grades and ill never get a bad grade again..guess its just a lot to live up too :( just mixed feelings about the whole thing

freezing yet again

its majorly cold here today and for some reason my room just stays cold..no idea why and yvonne room stays warm..go figure...as much as i like being cold i would rather my room didnt have subzero weather in it..i told yvonne yesterday that if my room got any colder i could make it snow in here...prolly could too..hmm my own winter wonderland not a bad idea...hmmm not feeling good right now but i guess that would pass to if i would go eat and stop throwing up dinner...i was cleaning up downstairs for yvonne because allen is coming over and spending the night and well she is having company and i voluntered to help out and so i was cleaning and i got downstairs finished but now i have a really bad headache and i just want to go to bed for a while...walking around half dressed prolly isnt helping anything either and i should know better than to walk outside in a tshirt bad me...and eating ice isnt helping either..the colder it gets the more i want ice..odd combination considering im pretty sure being cold and eating ice at the same time doesnt do much to raise my body temp and then i just stay cold for longer periods of time...but now im expecting it to snow and soon! it so looks like snow weather and i really want it to snow before i leave and knowing my luck it wont snow at all infact it will prolly go back up in the 70s just to spite me..oh well and if i could predict the weather i would so make it snow for the heck of it and since it annoys me to no end that ppl swear justcas its nc we wont get snow..maybe ill put it on my christmas list...the last time i was at home with riley and harris and cameron and william we ended up talking about santa claus and i know that i dont believe in it and havent ****something came up..will finish later***

ugh....rant

ok so i got back my group grade and it pushes my final grade up to an 89..of all freaking things to get i have to be that darn close to getting an A and not getting one at the same time! i have no idea if Dr Bunch will give me an A or not and that sucks big time...i mean im really hoping she does but if not its not like i can hold it against her but good grief the whole thing just sucks majorly right now...i have one A so far and thats for a different class but two finals to go and then im done and then i dont know..home and christmas and a vacation all in three weeks...i dont really want to go home at all but not like i can get out of it either...but anyway it seems im back in therapy...i went today and it turned out ok i guess..i talked she listened and i like the other place better but they werent asking me for my thoughts on the matter anyway...something i realized well besides me being a dork and everything but the teachers and what not just assumed i would go back..for some reason i didnt doubt that they would trust me to tell the truth and when i got asked about it today i dont know why i didnt lie about all of it and just not go back if i didnt want too...weird i guess..maybe ill ask my advisor about it but it is kinda interesting to think about...considering i lie to mommy every other day but i wont lie to my teachers..and im not even really sure why not...i mean yea lying to my teachers would take a heck of a lot of work but i think if they ever found out i had lied that would lessen there view of me or something and i dont want that...so they get the truth and some of them are extradinarily patient in waiting for it because i can look at the wall for a good while before answering questions but yea now i want to know why they trust me..but anyway i learned today to that i can take the bus and go to my appts fine but its one heck of a walk through the hospital parking lots..good grief i thought i was walking for days and i had to go all the way around the hospital but crossing the street didnt kill me and depending on where i cross at i should be ok and manage to handle it...although thinking about it last night just completely stressed me out and i was worried but i had to do it and maybe that helped some..but i guess im going back..and at least i did tell her i wasnt sure i wanted to come back and that has its weird points but i guess she was ok with me telling her that...and of course now i have to make another treatment plan and i suck horribly at making them but geez i got homework so i guess ill just have more thinking to do.

tired

writing a lot lately b ut if i dont then my head will just explode or something...im tired but i know i was sleeping last night and at the same time it feels like i stayed up all night not sleeping...i guess i was just stuck somewhere between really sleeping and being half awake...all the same im up now and ready to go back to bed...ive been eating a heck of a lot of ice lately and im starting to think i need to go back and have my iron checked...lucky guess tells me its lower than it was the last time they checked and i havent really helped it much since i stopped taking the vitamins i was supposed to take months ago...ill go after christmas i guess and let them tell me the bad news but im not sure i want to go do that either because i dont want to have to take iron pills when i can barely remember to take anything else on time...blah one more thing ill have to worry about or i could just keep doing what im doing and sleep away most of the day...so anyway last night i was up not sleep talking to myself and trying to figure out what my head is trying to tell me...talk about cryptic messages good grief i could drive myself crazy trying to figure my head out...a lot of what i was thinking about anyway had to do with going back to therapy and realizing that i dont really what to go back...outside of just missing my doc i was never good at the talking thing and having to talk just makes me not want to bother with it...the other part knows ive reached my limit of figuring things out myself and i just kinda need someone elses thoughts on things to get any farther or at least get some sort of validation i guess...i thought about my notebooks to the latest one i have and i have a lot of different things in there and i know i have a lot of things in this one but im not sure i can just hand over my notebook right now...and since i know im horrible at getting things started i might just relent and let her have the link to this journal and try hard not to stress about it..within reason though and im pretty sure i wouldnt let her read the comments and what not but i havent decided yet if im gonna give her the link to it...when i told her i had an online she said i could give her the link but at the time i said no because it made me nervous but now i dont know..yea it still makes me nervous and feel really vulnerable which i dont like either but im sure somewhere in my head i know im gonna have to start making huge sacrifices one way or another before i manage to kill myself to put it bluntly...i guess i can be extremly good at getting thigns out in writing..and if she reads it then in someways that makes things a little easier for me but ill still have to explain a lot of it..maybe i just tire myself out constantly thinking up questions that dont have answers and trying to make things better without knowing what im doingg...except for some far off goal to die i dont really know what im doing..and i say that alot lately because its true but then i have to think about who i can go to that has the answers i want and i cant think of anyone...from my human behavior classes ive learned a theory that says ppl in therapy really do have all the answers they need to get 'better' they just need a little help finding them and understanding them and in some ways i completely agree with that but more in a general sort of way..having to apply it to myself makes me want to call the whole thing a bunch of bull and leave it alone but that wont work either because i actually like the theory...its just hard for me to believe i have the answers to fix myself and i havent done it yet..there are a lot of subjects that just thinking about them makes me want to shut down and forget i have to say anything...i swear its like having locked doors in my head that im not allowed to open..maybe i dont want to know everything but then having huge blanks doesnt make me feel better either...either way i dont come out winning...i think i would just end up hurting more and well yea ignoring things doesnt make them go away but that doesnt stop me from trying...admitting things just sucks royally really they do...once i admit anything it all becomes true and no one has bothered asking if i want to know the truth...i guess its assumed i want to since im in therapy and supposedly working and dealing iwth all of this stuff and i could swear up and down i havent worked on anything but i guess that counts as a lie too...there are things i dont realize until i have them explained to me more than once by arran..i would think she would get tired explaining the same things over and over because it would seem like i wasnt listening but i do listen i just get a little stuck hearing some things and forget or not believe it and it takes me forever to think about somethings and find a conclusion i can work with...some things i cant figure out at all no matter how many times shes tells me and i cant explain my reasoning for not being able to without seeming like i just dont want too...it makes me seem like a whinning kid and as much as i do yell at myself to grow up and deal with it i cant..it doesnt work..age is such a stupid thing ..i want to say leave me alone and let me be a kid but im not a kid...im supposed to be an adult and do adult things but i dont know how to be an adult at least not really...i can do all the regular stuff like paying bills and having a job if i bothered looking and all of that but there has to be more to being an adult than that? maybe i just dont want to be an adult, i would say i want to be five again but i cant really remember being five...its kinda hard not being able to recall being a kid at all...i know i had to have been one but its like one morning i just woke up and i wasnt a kid anymore...no matter how hard i think about it or try to make myself remember it seems like the farther away it gets from me...maybe soon ill forget completely and not be able to bring any of it back..who knows...i was thinking about depression last night and well it came up because i took this assesment online the other day from someplace and it said i had major depressive tendencies and that might be fine and dandy but i dont think thats really true...i might be depressed and everything but my level of functioning doesnt change that much..i still get out of bed and go to class becasue i have to..i might spend more time sleeping or just laying in bed when i dont have nothing to do but i dont spend days in bed doing nothing...and ive seem my dx and not that i would outright disagree with it..and i always forget which type of depression i have is called i think that one is right...as if that just made any sense at all..but its just more of an on going thing...it doesnt go away and sure i hide it extremely well but all the same i have a heck of a hard time remembering a time when i was really happy for longer than a few hours at a time....that just sucks too..i mean i had to have been happy at some point right? when i wasnt wishing for a million ways to die or something there had to be something that made me happy and stuck with me..and i cant think of anything that was longer than a day at a time..and thats pushing it because im not even sure it was a full day...my stupid happiness comes at the weirdest times and never ever stays long...maybe i am bipolar..but that wouldnt work either because i dont get manic..that could be fun but its not me...borderline ok fine but thats juts mostly for the cutting thing...i mean yea i fit the guidelines for it and if i thought about it anymore i would swear i could have written the definition but i dont know...maybe knowing im borderline gives me an excuse to do what i do..not that i use it like that because only a few ppl even know and its not like i blame it on that or anything...its just i know and thats enough...so now im just thinking i need to stop talking to myself before i go to sleep...but anyway i thought about cutting last night too not actually cutting because i had done that earlier but it was more of why wont i stop kinda thing....not even looking at the scars makes me really want to stop anymore and that worrys me...ive gotten way more dependent on it lately and its a step away from being a need, like eating or sleeping...and that would be bad, very very very bad...and me knowing that doesnt make me feel any better because given enough time i could find a way to explain it off and make it as ok as it could get...without letting myself end up in the hospital...its like walking that very very fine line between life and death without crossing over to either side..yes im alive and living but not because i want to be i dont think..its becausae i have to be..ive had a couple talks about suicide with arran and im pretty sure they werent directly related to me because if they had been i prolly would have been in and out of the hospital a dozen times but anyway...i never come right out and say it and all the times i could convince myself it would work i end up being very alone at the time...and as bad as that is and as bad as it can get i know i wont do it either...i was trying to think of reasons why last night and i got my usual one of not wanting harris to find out and know that i had done it but the past couple days when i think about it im coming up with a new answer...i dont want to die without knowing what real love feels like and i know why im thinking of it and it just sucks because i dont think ill ever find that out and im not talking the love i have for riley and harris or for my family thati actually like but for like someone my age who would know enough about me to know what i do and not tell me to go to hell..i really want to be upset with yvonne for getting a boyfriend and leaving me out because she is doing something that i know nothing about and i dont want to know anything about because i wouldnt be able to handle it but i want it all the same...i want what she has but i cant get that because i can barely tolerate myself on a good day much less have to tolerate someone else in a love kinda way...prolly a good thing i know that but that doesnt make me feel any better about things at all...and then that of course brings up the issue of me not even being able to decide which i like better...for all teh safety reasons i can think up i would rather everyone left me alone from a relationship stand point..but when i want to really think about it i know im not completely comfortable around guys...i just associate guys with being hurt and i really dont know where that comes from...just something i know i guess and leave it to me to get into a bad relationship and not be able to get out of it...just what i dont need someone else getting at me for who i am when i can do that prefectly fine by myself....i dont really care if im yelling at myself or something but it makes it different if someone else is doing it...guess thats one of those things i cant explain to anyone in a good way...i have so many background conversations in my head all the time..things i should say, things i shouldnt say, things that im not sure about saying and i have to go back and forth trying to decide what i can and cant say to keep myself out of trouble and its like most of the time its not like i would get in trouble anyway...its just gotten to the point of me looking for and then trying to avoid getting into trouble by talking and end up not saying anything no matter how much i want to...yes i can have a whole argument with myself without saying a word and lose..how in the heck can i lose an arguement with myself? its like im squaring off against myself and even then the odds arent good if i cant even win...sometimes it feels like ive broken up and the sides are just going at each other...saying i hate you really has no affect anymore its in my head so much...sometimes i dont know where the accusations i can come up with come from....like far off there is something going on that i either dont know about or ive forgotten about completely and i cant explain it...prolly wouldnt be the best time to bring up having voices in my head lol...but thats just kinda what it feels like at times..watching people argue with one side having way more ammo and way more ways to hurt the other side to get them to back down...doesnt make any sense i guess...but good grief its a huge battle being with arran and having her ask me things that i know the answers to but im just completely afraid to say anything...you know its not even her im worried about, its me and when i start thinking talking is off limits my levels of revenge i can come up with when i want to for doing something i dont want to do can get creative...making idle threats are my favortie though because i can just scare myself without having to do anything about it....i dont think i believe that anyone can protect me and i have to do it but protecting myself isnt working out so hot considering what it takes for to keep things undercontrol...im like a walking lie..yvonne could swear up and down that i dont have a problem in the world...everyone is surprised when i say im stressed and so i dont say it...i will be fine until i end up in the hospital and then everyone will know how so wrong they were about me...after the thing with my teachers and having to go to the meeting and talk to them and the contract i talked about breakdowns and crying with someone...because it had been on my mind and everything and even with all of that stuff happening i didnt cry once..at points there were times i just wanted to sitdown and cry and let someone else make things better but i didnt because it just seems wrong to cry or ask for help when the reason its all happening is my fault...its the same with cutting or burning or purging and its gotten to the point of really hurting and i just want to cry and go tell someone what ive done but i cant because its not like im sick or someone else hurt me...i did it and i knew what i was doing when i did it and that makes it my fault and im not allowed to cry about it...its against the rules, i just dont know whose rules they are...i know when i was younger and mommy told me once not to cry without having something to cry about and to stop being a baby crying all the time...i dont cry anymore without a very good reason...ive cried twice in the past 4 months..serious crying that gives me a headache afterwards and i completely hated it but cried all the same...the last time being when things didnt work out and i missed my stupid appt...if i cry then things have gotten beyond my control completely and im at a lost as to what im supposed to do...so yea crying isnt on my list of things i like doing at all...but to get back on track when we talked about breakdowns i dont know...yea i told him i dont want to be there when i do manage to breakdown bbecause i dont know what will happen..thats like a complete lose of control in everything and expecting someone else to fix things and make it better..really if i ever get to that point it would be a waste of time trying to bother fixing me...if it got to that point im pretty sure i could make suicide work...all the same i dont plan on breaking down..i can control my emotions pretty well so it would seem when i have too...but controlling them that much makes me almost forget i have them...and having to work on acknowledging them and all of that makes it hard to keep them away from me...the harder im pushed to notice them the harder i fight to forget them and its not like i arent there i just dont know what they are...i know the basic happy, sad, mad...but when im looking at a list of emotions and there are so many of them i dont know how to catergize them i dont know what most of them feel like anyway...i cant label them if i dont know what they are..

im tired of writing now..considering ive been at it for over an hour and a half..didnt mean on writing this much...didnt even mean to write half of this..just kinda happened..oh well for whoever gets stuck bothering to read it!

interesting day

i have a headache right now again and its really making me cranky but im trying to ignore it while i half watch another movie...i went out with catrina today and it has been a long time since ive seen her and it was fun...i got lunch and a movie for a christmas present from her and she didnt really like rent but thats ok...she just saw things differently than i did and i guess she looked at it in more of a religious view than i did but i still like it...i want to see brokeback mountain too and a bunch of others...wwe went to ruby tuesdays for lunch and they have a really good veggie burger...i was surprised i ate it..me the queen of not liking anything at that but it really was good if not a bit expensive...im glad i went out with her though..it was a good break from everything and i did miss her not that i told her that...but anyhoo it was a ok day...as much as i like watching rent the movie is downright depressing and once again i got really depressed because i dont know what love is and because i cant decide what i want out of love or even if i deserve love from anyone...its just weird and i suck and everything ..blah

realistic or not

this is mostly a post about food so ill spare anyone the trouble of having to read it and suffer through my rambles

so its been decided finally and accepted halfway that i have an ed if i want to admit or not...the fact that i b/p on purpose is evidence enough and even if i dont do it everyday does not make that go away...no matter how much i might want it to and talking to jenny helps me realize that...but well things are just getting weird i guess..i mean i eat and lately i have ppl questioning just what it is i am eating and its not like im starving most of the time...there are times like now when i dont eat for a reason and it might not be a good reason but it works all the same...so anyway after completely binging today and talking myself out of purging ive gone back to thinking seriously about not eating bread and cheese any more...and its not like i couldnt do it and stick to it given enough time its just thinking about that brings back into focus just how much i dont eat and how if i take out bread and cheese ill be eating next to nothing...and i dont have problem with that its just that i am trying to be halfway reasonable and it just doesnt make sense for me to do that and yet i really really want to jjust to see what will happen....i would say it would just leave really healthy stuff for me to eat but then i know vegetables arent high on my list of foods to eat and that pretty much leaves me to eating fruit and salad for the most part...sometimes other things but not much...and its not even a matter of hiding it since most of the time i eat alone...it sjust im trying not to fall into something i cant get out of....and now that im done being completely logical and thoughtful on it i know that ill do it anyway...i mean ill just do it enough that i dont have everyone swamping me with concern until i want it at least and i can say i know exactly what im doing..because ill just go home and get the speech about giving up bread anyway...but then ill just have to listen to mommy swear im starving and not getting the right vitamins and its like i just cant make anyone happy these days.... no matter what i do :( kinda sucks but i can fall back on old habits i guess...i can handle it better than people might think and its not that it bothers me i just i dont know..its not really about control and since i am trying hard lately not to start purging again ill go back to not really eating and see what happens...although i do like the feeling i get after purging...but thats is slightly dangerous and so ill try hard not to do it but not eating is a whole nother area i guess and its one or the other but i cant have both...if i had i choice i would pick a over m but im just better at the whole b/p thing...sometimes i swear dusti watches me and just gives me looks that tell me to stop what im doing and i cant...oh well

wow

this semester is over...completely...i only have two finals next week and then im going home again and christmas and new years...as much as i wanted the semester to be over and done with im still kinda sad about it...im gonna be seeing the same people next semester but still ill miss all of them..classes have been fun for the most part this time around because i did talk more...took almost till the end of the semester to get a little more comfortable at it but im a little better...trying to deal with everything else now and trying to find a ride to the doc next week somehow...ill figure that out eventually too i guess...but i guess ill get back to cleaning..well ill get back to starting to clean my room is a huge mess!

sigh

so i figure out today in the middle of a meeting with teacher that im completely jealous of everything that is going on with nia and that makes me feel horrible :( i shouldnt be jealous..i should be a million other things but not jealous...i dont get it...or maybe i do and i just dont want to own up to it i dont know but its weird and making me feel worse than i already feel...

not feeling good

im not feeling good at all right now....major headache and i took some meds to let me sleep and there went the afternoon...dont think it really helped any...im still so sleepy im ready to just fall over but i woke up to i dont know just be awake and since i woke up still feeling sick i took a shower to see if it would help any and it did for a few minutes but now that im sitting here again im back to feeling sick and headachy :( i was feeling guilty this morning for i dont know what and cleaned most of the house today..but them my headache got the better of me and i went to take a nap for a while...and now i feel bad that i didnt finish...i swear im getting crazy i mean cleaning today was like i was just waiting for my mom to walk in and completely go at it for me letting the house just get so unclean...and i know she cant just really drop in with me knowing it since its a 2 hour drive here anyway but i was just so positive i was going to get in trouble i just cleaned anyway 8o weird i guess

things have just been so off for me since the whole i suck and missed my appt bit...im not sure i want to call and make a new one...im not sure about anything right now except the huge desire to completely hurt and not care....i havent cut since yesterday and im trying hard not to but who knows...i just blame myself for all of it and there is so much going on and i dont know what to do...i was at one of my end of the year social things and a girl i knew was just standing there and starting rubbing my back and it felt so comforting and nice and i didnt want it to stop and that just made me want to cry:\...im feeling this need to be comforted and its not getting filled and ignoring it is making me feel worse outside of the general i think im coming down with a cold feeling...i hmm i just dont know..its not like its a i want a guy to comfort me feeling either cas just thinking about that makes me want to gag and move :p but just a more general i want my mommy feeling...the problem with that is i wont be getting that and it makes me just want to yell at myself for being such a baby and not able to handle things at all....things just suck right now...i cant decide if i want to go see one of my teachers on monday and then im not sure ill make it to monday and be completely safe...im not sure if i want to call the crisis hotline or just sleep away the weekend and hope i feel better next week...next week classes end for the semester too and i was supposed to be doing work for that this weekend and im not and i dont need any more stress to add on to things right now :|

i just need to get a grip

everything sucks

yvonne stayed home today and that was probably a good thing..... i missed my appt yesterday because my ride didnt show up...as much as i didnt want to go i did want to go and then i didnt and it was just way to much and so i cried for a little while and then cut a lot..i had cut earlier than that but yea..i wasnt nice to my wrist at all yesterday and now it hurts alot and im trying not to movie it much but having to cook didnt help that any....im supposed to call today and make a new appt and im not sure if i will...i dont think they will keep letting me make appts if i keep missing them :(...and i dont know ...im just really annoyed and upset and sad and not feeling to hopeful about anything anymore

anixety sucks

i think i forgot how to breathe when i woke up this morning....literally...im so nervous and on edge right now and i have just an hour to suffer through before my appt and im really thinking the worst and have been for most of the day and i know it wont be that bad but thats not helping me right now! i cant decided if i want to cry or cut and well i dont cry so its not like i have many options...i just need to calm down a little bit before i jump out of my skin! i was really glad prof dunn emailed me today..it really did make my day even if it was a short message and she was just saying hi it was still nice and i had been wanting to email her but i couldnt think of a reason to email so i just didnt and today she did and i got to email her back without seeming like i was in the way or something...i think ill bring my notebook with me just to have incase i do decide to hand it over...maybe ill give her the link to this i dont know yet...i cant think anymore right now im juts driving myself crazy

all over

this semester really does end next week...ive been waiting for it for so long and now its here and im not really ready for it. i did my group presentation yesterday and it turned out really well in fact and everyone had fun at our activity. i just have to turn in the journal part today and i will be done with almost everything except tests and finals strting next week. im really tired today and i dont know why..i didnt go to bed as early as i could have but i slept ok i guess...i should really go back and have my iron checked again because im not sure its doing to good...or else i could actually care enough to start taking the vitamins again...but its majorly hot here and that annoys me and i still want it to snow and it doesnt look like that will be happening at all...i am so moving somewhere that gets snow once i graduate. dusti is sleeping in my bed again and climbing all over the furniture downstairs and pushing things off...im gonna work on getting her a really big or at least semi big scratching thingy after christmas so she will have something to play on...shes not big on toys seeing as to how she prefers playing with my notebooks and bags...i want to go to the movies again to see rent...it was a really good movie! and now i cant wait for it to come out on dvd...there are still a few movies im waiting to buy but ill get those over christmas i hope...i have to go send in the money today for yvonnes present and im hoping i will get it there in time to get it before she goes home...im hoping so if not..i dont know....and if not ill figure something else out...somehow i ended up agreeing to go to three parties friday...i still have no idea how ill be going to all of them and i think i might be skipping one but still sending what im supposed to be bringing with someone else..i hate being so busy!

temper temper

i was mad...really mad like 10 mins ago...now im not really mad anymore and of course in the span of about 20 minutes i cut and messed my wrist up again after watching it take almost a month to look normal again...theres just no point to any of it anymore really...what is the point in yelling at me like i could someohw change pictures that have already been seem...like i would really waste my time messing up pictures im not paying for...but i still get yelled and called stupid for not knowing how to work my on stupid camera and for somehow just messing up the pictures on purpose...alright fine..im just a stupid horrible person and i deserve to die and all that fun stuff...why is it that one person can completely make me feel worthless and horrible in less than 10 mins...and im even dumber for making myself believe it

not good enough

ever get the feeling you arent good enough...with all the nice comments there are more bad ones to follow and that what ever you manage to do correctly still isnt enough to get rid of all the things you havent managed to do...nothing really matters i guess...at least not anything i do or want to do

everything

i just got finished cleaning my room so now its all put together and clean and orderly..i even made my bed and its kinda sad i dont remember the last time i actually made my bed completely at one time...bad me i know..but i ummm done packing and now i just have to clean up the kitchen because its like against every rule i know to not leave the house clean for the holidays when you go out of town or anywhere...and im really glad yvonne cleaned up most of the downstairs before i got here and that helped some..but i know she mostly did it because her bf was coming to pick her up....but still it got done and i shouldnt complain...mommy wont be here for another couple hours and that gives me time to shower and get redressed again...and of course get all of dustis stuff together to go...still kinda sad and im not sure why...maybe becaues i dont really want to go home...not looking forward to cooking either anymore...i think i did ok on the policy test though..glad there wont be classes for a few days but i still have work to catch up on and a paper to write...the group that presented today did really good! and it was very informative on gangs...now i dont know i think ill finish getting stuff together to go home...lucky me

surprised

i ofund out yesterday that im going home this weekend...not thrilled about it but its not like i cant use the money yet again with the holidays and trips and things coming up...i have to take my homework home with me because i have to study for my test on tuesday...and then go home again for thanksgiving...i have to cook for thanksgiving and mommy might be going out of town again...last year was easier cooking through because i was actually eating meat then but now im not and i have no idea whati ll end up fixing for myself...but oh well ill figure it out..i think i did ok on my practice test but ill find that out next week and i hope i did good..still im pretty sure i should study more or at least on a reg basis...my classes next semester will be stressful because i once again got stuck with all tuesday/thursday classes and one i really dont want to take but i cant screw up and fail this bio either...so its not like ill skip class or anyhting its just that by the time i have to go to that class ill be tired and what not...ill have to figure out a way to eat or something through the day...eating is eating and i eat for the most part but then ive been b/p lately and getting completely obessed with weighing myself just to look at the numbers...and that could really start to become a problem well a bigger problem than it already is...i have to go see my advisor today and that should be fine but i dont plan on telling him yet that i have an appt to see my doc in a couple weeks...im just trying hard not to cancel it again..

undecided

why is it that when everything in me is screaming for me to lie i have to be the good one and just tell the truth...give or take the dates

done for now

i have such a headache right now..i think my eyes are going cross literally i made it through the meeting and have a whole group of teachers tell me again and again how concerned they are and all the questions and i really should have figured that i wouldnt get out of the meeting without talking at all...they made a point to include me even if i barely looked at any of them...you would have thought i was walking to my death thats how stressed i was about all of this...and i have to meet with my advisor again on thursday to get a copy of the contract and all of that good stuff and i will be completely glad to never be in the same room with any of them again but that wont be happening either...and im still having so much trouble processing all of this and i really hate that i had to agree to a semi safety plan and know that its there in writing its like im entitled and expected to follow it and i dont like letting it be known that im suicidal and now i have to bring it to my 'teachers' attention which sucks...i barely even let my doc know and they weaseled it out of me and i knew it was coming but still wasnt expecting it and i said no at first and then got the whole long talk about why it was important for them to know what i would do if i had an emergency...and one of them just had to ask if i had been suicidal before and when...getting sucked into the floor wouldnt have made me feel any better about anything that happened today...i just want to go to bed

rant

i just need to write before my head explodes or i start crying in the computer...i mean im not doing anything but playing games online and im still tearing up about nothing...ok so i know what im tearing up about but i havent cried about it yet and i really dont plan on starting now i left this morning with yvonne because i just didnt trust myself to stay home and leave on time...at least if im wasting time on campus ill actually go to the meeting i guess...i should have eaten this morning and im feeling sick but majorly hungry at the same time...ive learned that is the downside to purging...if i purge and do it 'good' im so hungry later on and it makes purging a waste if i start eating again later on..last night i had to go to bed just so i wouldnt go looking for something to eat...if i hadnt purged i prolly wouldnt be feeling like im starving right now but i am and i dont have money or anything on me to get anything to eat with anyway so it will have to wait until after the meeting and thats just if i decide to go home or not and i dont know how long the meeting will be or anything and its not like i can really plan anything right now... i just noticed my fingers are going numb sitting in here for so long and i still have like 2 hours to hang out before its time for me to go and looking at the clock makes me feel like im gonna be sick...ok everything makes me feel like im gonna be sick right now...i really hate not knowing what im going to be asked...i would just much prefer to go back to bed and pretend none of this is happening and that this is just another monday to waste doing nothing...i havent even begun to study for the test i have tomorrow and i just printed out the info for the paper i have due on wed. i dont know what im waiting for but i cant concentrate on anything until i know for sure what is going to happen and what i will ahve to do....i spent most of the weekend thinking about how all of this got started and how it would have just been better if i had lied about all of it and i know that even if i had done that someone would have caught me in the dept eventually and that just makes me feel more horrible

ok guess ive complained enough

not a good day

i dont know what to do anymore...right now i just want to cry or throw something...things are being taken out of my control and then given back with guidelines and i dont want it anymore..well not this way...i have such a headache right now..i just want to go to sleep and forget today happened but im not tired even a little bit...i skipped my class tonight because my head cant handle anything else and i still have to finish the work im supposed to be turning in...im bordering on not caring but i know i need to finish the work...i just want to hide in bed until monday comes and goes and i dont have to think about any of this anymore...i never ment for any of this to happen and the more my teachers try to help the more i want them to go away..i dont want there concern or support anymore...i want to be left alone and thats not gonna happen either...everything sucks right now

ok weekend i guess

things are ok i guess..or as ok as they can be lol..i went home and that was ok considering i was actually home for like 15 mins and the rest of the time i was over at rileys and harris's house...but it was ok..i got to work and make some money that i really needed and bills are taken care of at least and i have the basic food again lol..spaghetti o's should be a main food group...after completely pigging out on halloween candy with riley and harris i dont want to look at candy again..but i have some extra just for the random chocolate fix i guess..and i went to the store and got a few more groceries and things and surprise surprise i actually have no junk food...weird i go home and live on junk food for like two days and then its back to the usual junk and it all works out ok i guess...hmm dusti was fine too since she spent the weekend by herself for the most part but im glad to be back all the same...not really looking forward to this week because i have a lot of stuff due that i havent really finished yet but for tonight im just taking a break and watching a movie or soemthing before i actually spend tomorrow stressing out..got new clothes and things but nothing to thrilling i guess...went to the movies to see chicken little and i liked it...i cant wait for the new harry potter to come out! still working on a way to make sure i can go see it lol..but ill figure it out next weekend once its closer to coming out :)

this year still sucks royally

*sigh*

i just dont know how things got so bad and off center so easily..all the weird stuff with my rommate and her boyfriend just threw me for a loop and suddenly im the third wheel and im not included and i dont want to be alone but now its like..wow i dont have friends like i sometimes think i do :( im just alone and by myself and no one can really know what im dealing with...and i guess thats not fair and im over reacting maybe..but maybe i was just selfish thinking i would always have her to talk to and ahve fun with..and now her attention is taken by someone i dont know and it makes me mad kinda but more jealous..and i hate that shes going somewhere and i cant follow her :( shes growing up (regardless of ages here) and im just getting left behind again :\ now my thoughts are just being taken over by thoughts and wondering why exactly it is that i cant have what she has when it makes me so happy? what makes me so unlovable and different?? given i know very well i cant handle a relationship like that now and i dont know when ill be able to but i still want it..and it hurts because im just barely getting to the point of being touched without pulling away from ppl i know..i would freak out if someone i didnt know started touching me..

my mom is having surgery again and that worries me..classes worry me...getting my work done without freaking out worries me...everything worries me lately..the fact that i have no money for anything worries me beyond the normal range of worrying and for now i cant even do anything about it...i would just really rather not eat than to mention i dont have money for food anymore...lucky lucky me since i should be dieting anyway...everything is just crowding in on me and i cant see a way out of any of it...its been a sucky weekend and ive been cutting a lot and im trying to figure it all out and its like my head as reached the end of what it can safely figure out and it refuses to go anywhere else...i cant think about anything else my head is so full and i cant find an answer to any of my problems and i keep trying and it just frustrates me so much...i spent last night compeltely wired for no real reason and paced back and forth trying to figure out why i cant stop cutting :( i mean i can look at my arms and hate what ive done..i tell ppl they should stop while they can so they dont get addicted to it..i can tell all the reasons why its not the greatest coping skill and still i do it..regardless of all of it..and thats what bothers me so much..i know exactly what im doing and i still cant stop..i hate what im doing and it still draws me back no matter how long i fight it and put it off and swear to never pick up another blade again...maybe im just a wimp...maybe it is a drug and i cant stop without serious intervention..i dont know...and ive figured out i cant do it alone but how do you go about asking for help? thats not my strong point at all and without my doc i dont know what im doing either...living day to day is so hard and tiring sometimes..and i just want to give up and take a break from everything and i cant do that either :( and im just stressing myself out...i emailed my teacher today and asked if the way to get over a problem is to admit you have one :\ i mean i know i cut and purge and randomly starve but have i admitted them to myself?? i dont know...and if i dont know im pretty sure i havent then but admitting it makes it all true and i cant hide it anymore..and that scares the heck out of me...i cant do that can i?

to many thoughts floating around my head right now...just needed to write some ..not that it helps anyway

not good..

things arent really going great..i feel like im driving myself crazy ...being alone is starting to make me really nervous...i even called the counseling place on campus today but there werent any open ones for the doc i saw anyway..im going home for the weekend and right now all i can think about it how much burning will hurt...thats all i want..dont even know why..i cant get my head to leave me alone anymore and im trying not to start skipping c lasses and things because the semester is almost over and now would be a bad tme to start screwing up again..dusti is going home with me snice i just found yvonne is going home for the weekend too..i dont know where shes going actually i just know she wont be here...things have changed and i dont like it at all