quote

Have you doubted your progress, regretted your choices, put yourself down? Remember that you are doing just fine. Remind yourself right now that no matter what it looks like, you are doing the best you can. And getting better. Encourage yourself, support yourself, and celebrate every little thing about yourself.
—Iyanla Vanzant

we are here ,,,, really liking this song

i am back

this is probably the silliest post ever but i have internet again and that makes me very very happy !!!

some of my.favorite picz from vacation

I fear...

I fear that without my car or a reason to leave the apartment that I will start isolating... Well that my isolation will just become worse... I see no reason to leave my apartment I guess.. Fear is a big part of it... And a lot of depression too... I can't escape but I can hide...

Just want my escape back

I'm not really wanting to write right now but I know my thinking is going downhill really fast.. And I don't know how to stop it.. I'm thinking to much.. I'm upset and feel stupid and ashamed and scared and worried and guilty and just sad and lonely.. I know my thinking is irrational.. But the old thoughts refuse to die... How many times was someone else deemed more important than me?  More worthy of attention and love and I got nothing.. There was none left for me.. And I just convinced myself that I didn't need it.. That I don't need it.. Yet I'm ready to cry I'm so upset that I already feel like I am being pushed away.. The expectation that I am dependable and willing to help and so that is enough I guess.. Knowing that I am feeling like this does have me feeling a little concerned.. I'm upset I don't have the codine anymore because I want it... I'm thinking about what it will take to get attention that I so desperately want.. Need.. I don't know.. I'm fighting to stay awake.. I want to sleep But the thinking is taking over and I'm reminded of just how awful I am...  

Lonely

The loneliness is overwhelming and makes me sad... Very very sad... Trying to remind myself that I'm not alone.. That ppl do care.. But my head tells me different...

am i really so oblivious??!

So Tramaine let me know she has been feeling concerning me..And once again I am left feeling like I am the meanest person ever..  I didn't realize that I was not offering to help her I guess in the same way she helped me when I lost my other job...I'm sorry I'm not more comfortable offering help I guess..And I didn't know that I wasn't being as forth coming I guess with help or support or whatever...I don't realize that stuff..somehow I just miss it and don't realize that I'm not doing something..or that I'm acting a certain way...it's not that I don't care or won't do something...it's just that I get stuck in my mood and can't separate how I am acting versus how I am actually feeling...My shutting down I guess seems or presents as me not caring maybe? I don't know...I kept my silence and let her speak..Maybe I'll tell her what I am upset with her about...who knows

thinking

I woke up feeling sick..I took 3 at the same time yesterday and as predicted I ended up feeling sick and out of it and sleepy..I spent most of my birthday asleep...sadly...I just was upset about my car and just wanted to go to sleep because the day was over for me..once again I acted impulsively and ended up messing up my birthday even more..

Nia talked to me yesterday about my impulsive behaviors and I learned that I'm not hiding things so well..she told me she is worried....I asked Sarah and she said she worries too...somehow I completely disregard how my behavior and words and actions do make people worry..And where I say it and it doesn't have that effect on me..I am affecting others.And I feel awful about that...I thought being honest about how I'm feeling was supposed to be a good thing and all it does is make people worry..something is wrong and I really don't know what it is..I'm making stupid choices..doing stupid things and then I'm surprised to find out that I am making people worry...tramaine flushed the rest of the meds I had...which makes me mad..but oh well...logically I know I don't need then and just want them..I don't know how to deal with the stress or life..And I am getting easily overwhelmed and upset and start looking for a way out..And that's not dealing with anything...like I know my car is an issue right now but all I want to do is go home and go to sleep...the meds haven't worn off completely and so I am still tired...but yeah..Just don't want to deal and I have to because I need my car...having to depend on someone else is going to make me struggle more because then I just feel trapped...

I really wish that I could have written about the trip and how fun it was to be away...anxiety was still super high but just getting away was good...seeing nia and noa and even rob was good...I got to spend the entire week with Sarah and it was fun..a little stressful at times but still I wouldn't change the trip for anything...I know Sarah worries to about her wheelchair and it being to much and things like that..but I think I told her that it is ok..I know I've told her she isn't a burden .. and I guess she maybe had worries about being gone and it just being me..to help her and stuff..but it was ok..I like being with her and am able to be calmer when I'm with her...the wheelchair is just a fun accessory..but I will get some time this week and write more about the vacation...

I have a lot on my mind right now..And writing this doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of all that I am storing in my head..I'm just really tired and I don't think I'm suicidal but I am feeling really depressed and just sad...

Karma I guess

I'm just not managing today... Took meds to numb out and we'll I am numb... Thinking of stupid things to do to myself.. Wondering what I did to cause things to mess up again.. What in the hell am I going to do without my car... I can't do anything.. I don't know the bus schedule.. I don't have the money to fix my car and I just keep crying and thinking and hurting... Worried about the week already... How will I get anything done????  I'm tired and feeling so very alone.. And sad.. And just shutting down

Birthday

Even now I struggle to fight the sadness that surrounds me.. I'm afraid and sad but I don't have the words to say why. I want to sleep.. Shut down.. I just am not sure about how I'm feeling. I don't remember if I  told Sarah that I am feeling bad. I don't want her to worry about me though.. I think I will go back to trying to sleep  .

Now the excitement

Holy cow holy cow... Now I'm starting to feel excited.. I'm nervous and trying to cram everything in that still needs to be done!!  But I can't believe that we are really going on television trip.. Suddenly all I want to do is get away.. From all of it and just hang out with Sarah and take pictures and have a good time.. And even knowing I'm gonna be with her for  a whole week makes me want to be with her even more right now... And I know I can't because there are other things to get done bit yeah.. I just want to be with her and when I come back.. Then I will deal with the real world again... But now.. Now I just want to go!!!!!

Also found out today that Wayne and Courtney are pregnant.. That makes me so very very happy... I can't wait to go see her and hang out... Babies just make me excited.. I'm happy for them.. I really am...

I'm feeling a little bit anxious about the job stuff.. Especially with the dang investigation... I want to get all of that stuff turned in now.. So it can be run or whatever... I don't know anymore what may pop up on my background check... Ugh... But I'm stressing and trying not to be...

But yeah a lot going on... Seriously... But I'll take vacation like right now!!!  But it is still two more days before the trip starts...

well...it is what it is...

sometimes i just hate how anita and courtney and sarah and nia are right .. in that i will eventually make it to the other side of the dark thoughts...and im getting there...and i know my anxiety is still way high but im no longer plotting my death...i cant..i dont want too...its just hard remembering that sometimes ...yes right now things are rather suckish...and im easily annoyed with things...and i dont have a job or money...but oh well i guess....i dont know really....im just so so tired...which is more of the depression and things but no im not going to die ... or go away... some how my thinking is beginning to turn itself around..i dont know why..or how..or why..but it is...

im ready for vacation...im just really ready to get away...im worried about a lot of different things..and worrying hard about how things will be working out...but it just has to work out i guess...i do need to stop over medicating though...i still feel sick and tired...but did come to the library today and did fill out for unemployment...and applied for a couple jobs...and now my attention is wavering and im gonna be going to therapy soon...so technically i have accomplished my goals for today ..if nothing else...


have i mentioned that i am ready for vacation ???

Suicide

I think it has been a slow but steady move back and forth into suicidal thoughts and feelings.. Having a plan and the desire to go through with it... Every thing was in place but the flaw in my plan was that Sarah got to me and wouldn't let me spend much time alone.. She talked to me.. Listened to me.. Let me  cry all over her.. Anita and Courtney somehow refuse to be pushed away anxiety the verbal agreements to show up to sessions.. And then noa and nia who I love and even though I was thinking that I needed to say goodbye.. I never made the phone call... And that is how the past couple weeks have been.. A back and forth battle to stay alive.. To care..

Today I got the news I had been waiting for... An answer you could say... And the verdict is that I am once again job less... I did break down today.. I cried and cried and made plans for how to hurt myself.. How to kill myself.. I planned to burn.. I wanted to stop for razors.. I had a plan.. And I didn't care... I went home and instead took two pills.. That had me drowsy and now Numb...I'm just wanting to go to sleep... So I took the codine...two of them.. And then ended up driving to the hospital because Sarah needed me.. For safety I spent the night with her.. But now I am home again and the thoughts are getting bad.. I took meds this morning and feel sick.. Doesn't help that my period is starting and now I'm incredibly moody.. And just want to yell so I'm keeping to myself.. Because my patience with the living situation is become very low and I'm pissed off about it... I'm also feeling kinda like I'm being replaced or whatever..
Crap I'm falling asleep again..

Feeling unnerved

I'm forgetting again... A lot... It scares me.. Not being able to remember just the little things... I barely keep up with the days.. I know I have an appointment today but for the life of me I don't trust that I have the right time.. I made the appointment last week.. I set up the time... I was called on Friday and reminded of the time.. And still I'm sitting here worried and trying my hardest to remember what time my appointment is... Ugh I hate my head..

Calmer

Right now I'm feeling tired and slightly nauseous... Something that I ate  really is not agreeing with me at all ...I had pancakes and a little bit of bacon and a little bit of potatoes for breakfast... And then nothing until a little bit ago when I just made a sandwich and had some pickles in a few chips..  My stomach is just not feeling right I don't know ...my day has been pretty frustrating ...I'm getting much more annoyed at Tramaine and her cousin being here ..I'm annoyed that she pretty much told me I needed to get my stuff out of the living room so she could clean up... And then she left to go out with someone and stuff is still all over the floor in the living room.. But I went and moved all my stuff into my room.. Put on some music and started going through my stuff... I think I made a fair amount progress with my clothing at least ..and I got my books out and my shelf  things set up ..I'm not finished but I'm done for today... I'm feeling really lonely.. I'm not angry anymore I'm just really sad... I wish my mood would even itself out.. I do see Courtney on Monday ...maybe she'll be able to help me figure something out.. My thinking is  still going to cutting and suicide when I get into these moods..its hard trying to keep fighting.. Right now I'm just watching Spongebob and laying down because I'm still not feeling really good... I wish I was at Sarahs and not by myself 

Feeling

Invisible
Alone
Sad
Angry
Unheard
Scared
Sick

My illness isn't visible.. So I guess it doesn't matter how I'm feeling

im trying ...damn it

the more mommy calls me today the more stressed out i am feeling..and anxious..i dont know what to tell her..i dont know what to tell her and im just getting more and more agitated...im feeling upset about a lot of things and feeling completely unheard and ignored i guess...which just amplifies my feelings of needing to cut...i dont know what to do or what to say or how to really make any of this better...im just tired of fighting and struggling and not able to do anything..with getting paid today ..i feel more like a failure than ever...what the heck am i supposed to do..how am i supposed to fix this...my check is short 300 give or take....i dont have the money for anything and it upsets me...yes i paid rent for september but already i am worried about october and what that will mean..what will happen...how will i come up with the money...i am just feeling like a failure..stupid..selfish..i deserve to suffer i guess...since that seems to be the way im feeling right now..i dont have any answers ..and im frustrated...and a lot of different things are just getting to me...

i have no control

I have been avoiding talking to mommy as much as I could this week..because I don't want to tel her that I've screwed up again..because I can't tel her that I may not have money to send to her tomorrow..because I'm just scared and anxious about tomorrow..And what may or may not happen...I'm trying hard to prepare myself for a not good end of the month..I know that I'll  once again end up off of my meds..And that I'm have less than two weeks to figure out rent money..or I will be homeless again..And so yes I am trying not to cry..I'm trying to keep my thoughts from going all over the place..I'm not feeling confident at all about tomorrow or what will happen or what I will end up telling mommy..most likely I guess I will send her what I don't have because that is just how it will have to work...keep her off my back..but what is it going to  take to calm my anxiety...I don't want to end up doing what I'm thinking about but I just don't have any other ideas..I can't think..I don't want to think  anymore

Hit a wall

OMG extreme stomach issues tonight... Ugh.. I know I'm nervous but good grief. I don't want to be best friends with the bathroom again.. I really just want to go to sleep but I keep waking up and my stomach keeps hurting...

Skip to today

Woke up this morning anxious and sick.. Distracted myself by watching orphan black a bit... Tramaine and her cousin did my makeup and everything and it was uncomfortable having makeup put on me.. I mean it did look nice but I was just embarrassed.. I went to my meeting to see the social worker this morning and I guess it went okay... Still a bit of waiting and I feel like I am just dying of boredom... I am stuck with whether or not I need to get another job.. And time frames and worried about money and traveling and just a lot on my mind.. So I'm looking at possibly another two weeks... I don't know if I can manage.. I'm just scared..

I saw Anita today and it went okay...  we actually didn't talk about suicide.. I think I may have needed that today because I really was upset before my appointment and I was feeling like I wasn't being heard and wasn't getting my needs met and I was feeling like cutting.. But I got side tracked.. And we talked about other stuff.. Like Sarah and how we met and job stuff and my sister.. So a calmer session today..

My brain is still on overload.. So much thinking and talking and just worrying... I'm tired but frustrated.. Angry but sad... Just a jumbled up mix of emotions and no idea how to let them out safely.. I still want to numb out.. Not think...  Just escape for  while... OK so maybe I want to go to Sarah and be um helped into a state of calmness.. But that just makes me bad... Really really bad.. -sigh- I can't escape the thoughts from mommy.. I can't get her words out of my head.. I don't want to be a whore.. I don't want to be a slut..and even now I don't understand completely

stupid reasons

I thought I fully understood the consequences of the cutting and burning and scratching and picking...all of it led to the same outcome..scars..a lot of scars and I try hard to hide and sometimes I just don't care about them..but today I am so very ashamed of them and I hate that I have them because now that I am older..the real consequences become much more apparent...I helped Sarah try on part of her bathing suit today..And the jealousy and shame was instantly overwhelming... I can't wear my bathing suit because I have destroyed my Bosnians keep destroying it..How can I walk around or go to the pool or do anything fun on vacation when I get so caught up in thinking that I am being looked at or watched...mommy has drilled it in so hard
..the scars can't show..they are bad..I am bad ..whatever the reason is..I won't be able to do it...I have no confidence at all. And on a cruise surrounded by so many people I'm already anxious...bit I guess that is my issue to deal with or hide..before it wasn't a big del..I didn't care..No one was ever going to see me undressed.
Now that has changed..Now I could almost any things to be different and they can't..the scars aren't goin  away..I can't hide them..I don't want anyone to see me and think something is wrong with me...But something is wrong with me ..How do you explain how so many scars are just in different places..a lot of scars...And no I'm not a child but with this I don't really think my thinking is that of an adult..My first thought is still to hide..to pretend .to be normal..And my body is just makin  it glaringly obvious that there is something wrong...that I am just wrong and messed up..the I have this trip coming and instead of being completely happy about it..I'm worried and scared..this isn't just me ...this is Sarah's trip too and I want her to have a good time..Maybe me having a good time isn't a part of things..there is to much to worry about...And I've just messed so much up...still I'm messing everything up...is it possible to become perfect in 14 days? To somehow have things work out?? No I'm not feeling very positive about anything at all right now...My life is just to hard right now..I'm trying to hang on and it is just so hard...