Parallel thinking

Struggling right now with what I want to do.. And or not do... On one hand the suicidal thoughts take over... And on the other I know that I need to look for a job I need to have a plan in place ...I won't be able to depend on someone to bail me out once again.. Sara has told me she will be there and help as much as you can but I already know that she struggles to... And because of my issue last time I was trying very hard not to have to ask her for money... Still working on a regaining trust in that department ...but still means I need to have a plan... Problem is I can't seem to separate out my need to give up or my need to keep going... I don't want to go through the same struggle that I just went through... I don't want to have to explain to mommy how once again I have managed to screw up every single thing up... I feel like a failure.. I am a failure... I'm supposed to be going on vacation I can't even afford that anymore... No idea what I'm supposed to do... Its things go the way I think they're going to then I will most likely be off of my medicine again ..I may not have a place to live don't still we looking for a job... The stress of that alone makes me suicidal.. The waiting is the part that's killing me... I just want to know one way or another so I can figure out how the hell I'm going to be able to move on... Right now my goal is paying the rent and the electric bill for September... Maybe I'll have a place to live for one more month... My thoughts and once again going full circle.. Instead of wanting to think of a plan I just want to end  everything and just give up and not care ..go away just finally get to the end of whatever road it is on... I think I told Sarah some of this yesterday while I was over there she told me that she didn't want me to go away ...I don't wanna go away... I just don't know how to fix any of this.... I'm tired... I come home and all the sudden all I can do is worry about everything... I can't get my anxiety under control.. And then my thinking end up falling into a space that is very sad and negative and unsafe ...afraid to be by myself... Afraid to be with Sarah... Because I started getting scared that she's going to go away... Constantly fighting my head.. To think clearly to be rational and logical.. Still my most pressing I thought it said I need to say goodbye ..that I need to prepare for something and I just don't know what it is

Trying not to give up

I'm afraid for myself I'm afraid of what I'm thinking and what I want to do... I'm afraid that I will keep thinking that dying is the only way to manage... Its All I can think about right now ..I don't want to have to worry about being homeless again I don't want to worry about money or medication or what's going to happen to Taji and bounce ...it was too much then and it's way too much now... I was asked today to really think about whether this job was the right thing for me... I'm trying so hard to hang onto a job that I know is that you're going to bed I know stresses me out in that I know probably is not a good fit... But what am I going to do without it how am I going to live if I don't have a job.?.. What am I supposed to do I don't have the energy or the motivation right now.. I know I'm living with depression.. I'm trying to fight it but instead all I can do is lay down and sleep I'm trying to keep myself safe ..I want to cut I want to hurt myself I want to purge I want to burn... I  want to do all that just to get my mind off of what is going on...I thought I was doing a good job I thought I was able to manage  ...and maybe I can't... And I feel like... I feel like my therapist is getting the idea that I want to kill myself just because of my job and that's not true... No I don't want to kill myself and no I don't want to lose my job... But the stress of being homeless and without medication and worrying about money and food and my cats and everything else is just too much to deal with .I just had to deal with this 4 almost 8 months I don't want to have to do it all over again ...I don't want to have to go back to ask mommy for money I don't want to go back to having to ask anyone for money... I just want to be able to be stable and stay stable and I can't.... And that is what frustrates me and makes me feel so suicidal u cuz I keep thinking that I am a failure and that I can't do anything ...that I keep trying and trying and I keep messing up and its just too hard... Can I admit defeat can I give up I just.. I can't figure any of this out right now... And so I spent my day sleeping or going over to Sarah's house because I'm safe there with her..  I don't mean to worry her and I feel so bad for having to rely so much on her  right now ..and feel like I just keep talking in circles and I don't make any sense... I know I can go to her for comfort and that she will listen to me and then I can cry and its okay ...I just get a friend and then I'm going to tire her out or something... That  I'm too much to deal with ...I'm scared of being alone ..of being without her... I've never felt like I needed someone so very much in my entire life... It feels like I'm just losing my grip on reality.. I don't know how to get back on a stable ground... Maybe I really am just not cut out for this life... I don't know... I just don't know

Today

Today I'm left questioning my safety.. My ability to be safe... I'm trying to care but I can't.. I'm afraid. I'm anxious and my head hurts. I want to sleep and I cant

At home

Today has been really tiring... I spent the morning going grocery shopping with Tramaine and her cousin ... When I got home I crashed completely... My body was hurting and I have no idea why but I guess I was super tired... I'm just been laying down all afternoon and sleeping off and on... I have a headache but I did just finished eating dinner at least...  I'm not trying to be unsocial but I just don't feel like being around anyone... So this morning was really pushing it with the whole having to be social and up and awake...  I tried...

I'm really nervous about going to therapy tomorrow... I never did manage to write about how triggering therapy was last week.. Now this week I'm so depressed and have cut and so much is going on ... Just dunno what to talk about..but worrying is eating me alive right this minute .. I'm trying to keep myself safe...

Just

I'm just tired today.. My bones are tired.. My head is tired... My body is tired...

I'm not sure I want to try anymore

The longer I sit here and the more I think the more depressed and suicidal I ffeel... I'm worried and scared... And keep thinking and wishing that I would have done things differently yesterday... I just don't understand why its so hard... Last night I was thinking that I didn't want anyone to say bad things about me to noa  .. What I wanted her to tell her that I loved her so very much... Cuz I'm not sure how I'm going to come out of this one... I'm just so angry at myself.. In having the wait is driving me crazy.. I'm afraid to leave the house because I know I'll go in search of razors... I'm afraid to be in the  house because I know that I can burn ... I don't know who to talk to... I don't want Sarah to worry... I don't think I want to see my therapist or my supervisor this week... I don't think I can handle it... I can't even make myself get out of bed right this minute because I'm afraid of what I'll do ..only just sit and cry and think and feel anxious and I'm trying very hard not to take anymore medicine.. I can't believe I messed up Just when  things were starting to get better ..I am so very stupid

Things are very bad

Today has been an exceptionally bad day... Except for the few hours I spent with Sarah everything about today... I'm stressing out I'm worried I'm anxious... I don't Even know if I have a job anymore right this minute...I'm scared that I have completely screwed up things once again... Right now my thinking is so negative  - I'm not sure what to do  ..I don't wanna have to deal with losing my job again.. I don't want to have to worry about money and where I'm going to live and what I'm going to eat... You can't do it again I really don't think I can... Which then leads me to the scariest thought of all... That I am seriously thinking about suicide at the moment ...cuz I don't know what to do... I'm scared that I will get bad news and I just want know how to handle it... I'm afraid that I don't want to handle it again... I'm trying hard to remember what my coping skills are  and to use them.. But more and more I think about cutting or burning... I'm planning and I just don't seem to be able to realize it completely ...I feel so stupid for what I did... I wasn't thinking I just reacted... I was just tired of being hit and it really was triggering me... And cried so much today and I just don't know what to do... All I can do is wait and see what happens... But the fear and worry and anxiety don't leave me... I'm really truly not sure I can keep myself safe.. I'm really not even sure that I want to... Plan a is to actually use my coping skills and that's what I'm doing... Plan B leads to more negative things... And plan c is leading to death ... I can think about that calmly ..and thats what scares me... There's something very final about not being afraid of suicide... I'm trying my hardest to make it to wednesday and seeing anita. Because I really can't think any further than that... I don't want to worry anyone but I just don't know how to say that I'm so anxious and upset and worried... Thinking that I'm a failure in that I've messed up again.. Maybe I'm just not cut out for life... I don't know

Crap

I saw a picture of an infant and immediately thought... Gee a little alien...

I think I'm going to hell for that

I do believe that I am a very useless person... So easy to get stuck in the negative cycle

Angry

I just want my stuff and I can't get it... I didn't get paid today so I am stuck literally on what I can do... And I can't even really be mad because technically tomorrow is payday... But my check normally shows up on Thursday and I was stupidly expecting it today so I could get things done... And no check so I have no money to get my stuff or gas or anything.. And I am just getting more depressed about things.. I'm angry that Tramaine is using information that I have told her against me. My issues are causing problems I guess and I feel stupid for that happening.. For not being able to handle the normal stuff... Something is so very wrong with me and I am sorry that I can't fix it

You don't understand

I have major issues with other people being in my space.. I don't like nor am I comfortable around people I don't know.. So to be asked and then told that a cousin of my roommate is staying tonight and possibly for a week or two does not make me happy... Using the fact that Yvonne visited and spent a night in the hotel as leverage to get me to agree is not okay either.. My stuff isn't even out of storage yet. So I have no privacy right now. And it is getting to me majorly. But I am pissed off right now... And am once again feeling so very mean and selfish

I'm beginning to struggle

Just fuck everything right now

Just thinking

I'm feeling so scared.. I just keep thinking about therapy and the course of action I am going to take... I'm afraid ..and so very sad

the wall

Imagine....a small child ...sitting in an empty room...holding tightly to a box that contains memories..good..bad..sad ones...Just that each memory is placed inside this box..every day...eventually the child realizes that the box is dangerous..the box has become powerful in some way...so for protection..the box is taken away...placed behind a wall that cannot be penetrated by anything...the child continues to grow up and gradually forgets about the box that is behind the wall. The wall is very visible...the wall is protected...the wall fights against being broken down...the wall is there and there is no way around it..there is no way to get above or under it...And you can't go through it..the child has learned to fear the wall because it holds secrets and pain..as the child grew into adulthood she still fears the wall...the wall has become so full of secrets that it has grown into something that is almost life like..the wall can absorb feels and thoughts ..the wall is the only way to access the box that the child had forgotten about..Now the child has grown and become an adult ..suddenly realizing that something is wrong..something is missing...what happened to her as a child?? Why is life so hard to deal with now..she sees the wall and refuses to go near it..because fear has become a living thing..the girl is reminded that the wall is protecting her...but the girl tries to understand that the protection comes with a cost..And scenarios fighting against the walls power..the wall has become everything and nothing..blocking out the good and the bad..absorbing emotions and thoughts..filtering out words and thoughts..years continue to pass and the strength of the wall ebbs and flows..sometimes cracks appear but the girl becomes afraid and fixes the wall...sometimes locks appear and still the girl is afraid but tries to remove the locks and gives up in frustration...the wall continues to win..reinforced by people outside of her who continue to use and hurt her..the wall doesn't care where or who causes the secrets..it just protects them all...without all of her memories the girl is distrustful, afraid, quiet..the girl doesn't remember the before and can not handle the present..the wall has grown so much that sometimes it looks as if the wall will come tumbling down..breaking apart and releasing all of the hidden things..but in fear the girl continues to try to stop that from happening..And everything the cracks begin to appear  the girl tries hard to fix them...but over Time..things have slipped out of the wall..little thoughts..little bits of memory..words and stories and a life the girl doesn't remember..Now years later the girl is again standing at the wall...studying it..watching it..afraid of it...but this time there is a small difference..the girl is looking for a way in...a way through to the other side..it is not easy to study the wall..to know and understand what allowing the wall to break will mean...because suddenly the girl is a child again ..looking at this wall and wanting to run and hide away from it...the fear takes control and the girl busts cries in despair...she sits and thinks..facing away from the wall..trying to think  of a way to be safe while allowing the wall to come down. The child is concerned about what will happen if the wall falls..she wonders if she will break apart..if she will be able to live through the aftermath of the tide of whatever has grown behind the wall..the girl is sad and scared...afraid that she is sitting alone in front of a wall that is threatening to break down...the girl wonders if she will be able to live long enough to make it through what is to come...there are whispers and threats..promises of pain and punishment..if the rules are broken..if the wall comes down...there are obstacles to get past .. an understanding of what may happen...the doubt begins to win..And the girl is afraid to face what has been hidden for such a long time...but now the girl goes back and forth between child and adult..the girl lives with the fear and the adult carries the sadness of a life that has been lost for such a long time..the adult May understand why the wall must come down..but there are no instructions..the child wants the wall to stay in place..but the thoughts of death and pain comes while the wall is in place..what will come when it no longer there? When there is nothing to stop anything at all and there is no longer any protection..there are no clear answers or a safe way to manage any of it. The girl will die .that is how the story is supposed to end..the story was supposed to end years ago  And it hasn't yet..why hasn't  it ended?? There is no more fight left..the girl is waiting to lose when the wall comes down..because that is the planned outcome from years ago...
.

Whining about health issues I guess

I don't feel good and I don't really know why... And yes I have a headache and I'm hungry and I'm tired I just want to lay down and go to sleep and not have to think about anything... I keep thinking that I need to take better care of myself and then at the same time its like I don't care enough to take better care of myself... I'm annoyed that I don't have all of the medicine I need and then I'm not eating the right food tonight I'm not taking my medicine like I'm supposed to and all this other stuff and its just stressing me out... I check my blood pressure at work today and yesterday and it's been super high and I'm not sure if I trust the cost that I was using but it has me concerned all the same because I'm not taking my blood pressure medicine... Cuz I don't have it... I forgot about taking the metformin because it was for both the diabetes and the Pcos ...I completely forgot that the metformin was needed for more than one thing and I hadn't been taking it... I feel really stupid that I did not realize that the Pcos causes cysts.  Somehow I didn't put two and two together and just had forgotten... I know I should be taking better care of myself but again these moods and I don't want to or I can't... There's always something that has to come first is always something else that I need to take care of someone else that I need to take care of... But I'm never first on the list and now for whatever reason I'm feeling more concerned about my health... Because I had been losing weight and now I'm well worried that with the medicine.. Well with the birth control change that I'm not feeling good and its making me hungry... And I guess I'm just getting mad at myself because I'm not eating and then I'm overheating and its just... There is no balance right now... I'm just feeling really unsettled and out of sorts and I just can't figure out why... Something is bothering me again I really can't identify what it is

Completely frustrated

Yet another conversation with mommy that has left me feeling more frustrated and stressed out than anything else... We were talking about the trip then what I will need and if I was driving and money and gas and paying for parking and all of that it's just way too stressful... I'm just frustrated and can't think anymore I'm tired

pulling up the past....

Yesterday was really hard...I went to therapy and left feeling just hurt and sad...talking about  the past just bring  up so many questions and there are no answers for them...I don't understand what I did to make her dislike me so much..to have her hurt me over and over and over...I deserved it I guess for being born..for killing my sister..for hurt in  others..for not being able to stand up for myself...for not saying no..And just for not knowing better...Anita asked me yesterday if we would have been taken had the first investigation found anything...And I told her no...I had no broken bones..the  bruises healed..there was nothing to see...but I  You watched long enough and listened would anyone have picked up on how I was always cleaning, always being yelled at..it didn't matter who was there because there was no protection anyway..I was just there and not there at the same time..My silence was all I had and no one could break through it..I couldn't let that happen..And so I was the bad one..the useless one..th  one threatened with being felt behind because I couldn't keep up...I had nothing because she managed to destroy it all..on whim..whenever she felt like it.. I thought I was good enough maybe at some point..but that is a thought that I haven't believed in year..why believe something I know  to be  untrue? Mommy has already told me that I'm to selfish for anyone to love me.. that im stupid..I don't know anything..every day..And no one could seem to understand why I never wanted to go home..why go home when that is a place I don't feel safe at..where I'm hurt on a regular basis..either with words or physically..I wasn't treated same..I was different in some way...somehow I was the target..Maybe because I couldn't fight back..Maybe it's because I knew better than to fight back...she won so long ago that I don't even remember when things really changed..I don't remember much of anything..And that just confuses me..half of my life is missing and I can't recall it..but now my life is ruled by fear..am I in trouble..am I hated..am I going to be hurt in some way...I know logically that Anita won't hurts birthday doesn't stop me from thinking it...I'm constantly looking for reassurance from Sarah that I  safe and that nothing will hurt me...m

Yesterday I left therapy upset and anxious...I was thinking to much
.questioning to many things..wondering what was wrong with me that now o am completely screwed up..And o was crying and sad and I messaged Sarah because I wanted to go home and be alone..but she got me.to come over to her place instead..And so I spent the evening with her..she was able to comfort me and calm my thinking and. Anxiety down..it tool a while and it ended up involving some physical stuff but it worked..she distracted me enough that I could think and focus. I was really confused about how I was feeling and I told her so..I mean I'm sitting there crying and upset and wanting to be comforted but my thinking and feelings gradually changed to wanting more from her physically ..I wanted to feel close to her ..connected to her in some way because I realize now that I wasn't feeling grounded at all..like my body or mind could not contain anything else and I was breaking apart...but she sat with me..let me cry..let me figure out what I needed from her at the time..And yeah in the process of her helping me get grounded I sort of lost various pieces of clothing.but surprisingly it did work...it did calm me down..And I was able to stop crying and talk to her.

Less than an hour later I had an issue with mommy that had me shaking I was so upset..it took longer to come back to reality with this issue..And I was trying hard to pick at my fingers because I wanted to cut..I inadvertently asked Sarah to let me cut..And she wouldn't..I'm sad that I was so upset and out of it that I asked that of her...it took longer to calm myself down this time and again it involved help from Sarah..help that she willingly have me..because I really think the first time I was going on pure instinct and needing something that I didn't understand fully...the second time was slightly different but had the same out come..it took longer for me to allow Sarah to comfort me the second time ... I was tense and shaking and agitated..
She was right though when she pointed out that I was upset with mommy and not her
.I think I was starting to turn my anger inward but somehow she got me to stop...before oleft her I told her I wouldn't cut and I didn't...I think my mood is still pretty low but it's not as bad as it was yesterday

Worn the heck out

I am so very tired right this minute... I'm also incredibly full and I'm trying not to move otherwise I really think that I will end up going in throwing up.. This morning kind of sucks because I got sick while I was driving again... And throwing up and driving and trying not to make a mess of things is very hard to do when you're in the middle of traffic... So for most of the day I was just not really feeling good and didn't really want to be at work but can't really leave work either... And work was its own stress ...but now I have to go back until Saturday and then I'll be there all day on Saturday...

Tomorrow I see  Anita and I think that I have a lot to talk to her about..thank you you're just making me more anxious and I don't know why... And now I'm worrying a lot about everything and I know that there a lot of things I can't do anything about... But I'm still worried and anxious... I actually think I want to go see Courtney...

Did I happen to mention that I feel like I ate way too much... But I put on Facebook today that I'm in a relationship... Me and I know I'm in a relationship and Sarah of course I know that she's in a relationship but I guess putting it on Facebook makes it official in some weird way... Sarah put that she was in a relationship months ago ...and I was fine with that... But for some reason with certain things going on right now I'm suddenly feeling very possessive.. And wanting to cling  to the one person who hasn't left me .. Maybe it's that knowing things were serious.. I mean I still don't understand why it's so important and why everyone needs to know so much information.. But now it's out there and that's it... I don't plan on adding anything else to what I put up today I'm not sure I'm going to answer the comments either... I mean it's not like it's been anything negative but I also didn't put any details at all besides the fact that I'm in a relationship... So I guess people can come to their own conclusion... I love Sarah and I want her to know that I love her what should I tell her every single day... And whether or not I had put anything on Facebook isn't important at all ...because it's still not about anyone else it's about us

But I'm feeling sleepy maybe I'll lay down for a little bit

Bad dreams

I'm not really sure what to say. My thoughts are going back and forth and I'm sitting on the couch curled up under a blanket because I'm afraid to go back to sleep.. I really really really hate bad dreams... In this one mommy died and I was so much fighting and arguing ...I don't know it seems kind of stupid now and I'm awake but it still really scared me and I don't know why... Scared that I'm alone right this minute and I'm not sure what to do...

Feeling sad and judged

I don't understand why it is that everyone that Sara and I are close to you suddenly wants to know so very much about our relationship.. Who gives anyone the right to question anything that we are or are not doing we are both adults and we have talked about this relationship thing more than once... Its not fair that our relationship is being questioned and criticized and judged so very much... It just makes me sad because it feels like everyone is trying to tell me and her once again what to do... I'm wondering if people just think we're harboring secrets to like rob the bank and take over the world or something ...I'm just tired of not being given the chance to have my relationship without everyone needing to have a say in what it is and how it goes and what happens.. I can anyone to see that she makes me happy and that's enough.. I don't freak out anymore about her being in my space and that's a major thing but no one but me and her understand this.. And that makes me very sad..

Very frustrated

I admit it's been a while since I have had to live with a roommate... Maybe I'm just used to living by myself in being able to have things the way I want them... But this morning having to go back and do the dishes and clean up the apartment and everything when my roommate has been here during the week... Is really frustrating me... And the simple fact that I bought food last week and when I go to use it there is nothing left and so now I have to go back to the grocery store because I didn't know everything has been opened up and used... And ran my errands this morning and thought I had everything I needed so that I would be able to stay inside but now I have to go back out and that pisses me off.... I don't understand why she couldn't have just said that she had to use whatever it is to use and left it at that ...but I'm just thinking that because I haven't been using it its still in the fridge and its not like that because everything is gone... I'm trying not to be frustrated but when she gets back into town we are really going to have to have a chat about cleaning up and buying groceries and what it is that needs to be done to keep the apartment together.... Its not fair that I'm the one left to clean up the entire mess that she left while packing and whatnot so she could go out of town for 2 weeks ...ugh

Today

Today was actually a very good day I finally got to relax and just hung out with Sarah played watch TV and made nachos and had ice cream. So overall a very good day I wasn't feeling anxious. I did get a little bit scared thinking about the new worker that's going to be coming in for Sarah. But I did talk to Sarah about a little bit. Tomorrow I have to go pick up the money that Mommy sent me and probably run some errands. Nothing majorly stressful and then I'll come home and do laundry probably and some cleaning up .and I think I'll make nachos for dinner. I am a little annoyed that Tramaine  left all of her stuff all over the place ..and then she pretty much ate most of the food and left. But I'm going to have to just let that go and deal with now... I can handle two weeks of quiet .. But now it's time for meds and heading to bed

Writing

Gosh I have so much to say and it's really weird talking to my phone and having it right what I'm saying. I went over to visit Sarah tonight and completely fell asleep on her. I like being able to just lay with her. Last weekend we actually got to spend by ourselves together and it was very amazing. Sometimes I forget that privacy is such a big deal. We got to explore a lot and we talked a lot. And I'm pretty sure I slept a lot.

So much has been going on things are changing really really quickly. I'm hoping that I'll be able to stay on my meds from now on and remain stable enough to not keep wanting to think about suicide. I'm trying to actually utilize therapy and let her help me .I'm just tired of struggling so much and constantly wanting to hurt myself.

And some really big changes that have happened really really quickly. I went from living in a hotel to getting an apartment with my roommate in a week. I am now working full time at a job that is really stressful but I'm still determined to make it work out. I even got to apply for benefits this week from my job. Its hard because they're still the struggle of trying to catch up with all the bills that I hat fallin behind on. Mommy is now pushing hard for me to send her money with each time I get paid and that gets in the way of me doing what I need to do. I want to get my stuff out of storage so bad and I'm stressing myself out trying to figure out how to make it work money wise. But tomorrow I will have the apartment to myself for 2 weeks. Not that I will be doing anything important but it's just nice being able to come home and know that you know all my stuff is where its at and not be so irritated so easily.

The cruise is actually now I'm paid for and and now we just need to work out gas money and getting down to Florida and packing and all that kind of stuff... I really AM ready to get out of here for a little while and I have to ask my doctor for some sea sickness medicine just to be on the safe side... But I'm nervous too because this is a real vacation and  the second one I've been on without liking of family involved . It is scary doing stuff on my own as an adult without worrying about what Mommy wants to say or want to do or whatever .

But now I'm getting sleepy so I guess that's enough talking for tonight. Now that I can get internet on my phone I should be able to write a little bit more often. I've missed being able to write and get my thoughts out of my head.