There is so much to say and just no time to write it all out.

things are changing

i have been approved for an apartment...we are moving tomorrow..literally...it is taking everything i have but we will be out of the hotel...everything else will just have to work out somehow...but i will actually have an address and my own place again...

its been 7 months of back and forth and looking and trying and all sorts of things...but i go full time at my job next week..and we will have an apartment again...

hopefully we will be able to get all of my stuff out of storage by the end of the month..and i will be in a safe place..my own place again..with a roommate but well if we can stay in a single hotel room together..i think that living together will be ok..

its just that so much is changing all at the same time and im afraid that with the overwhelming feelings that i will start to go backwards again...looking for comfort in something..i am nervous about all the changes and afraid at the same time that i am losing the support that i am just beginning to accept...no more seeing liz...anita will possibly  go to every other week..and im not sure how helpful that will really be...i dont know..im just afraid that all of it will be pulled out  from under me...that so many things are happening..that something will happen...im just afraid i guess..

to much in my head

im feeling really frustrated and annoyed and trapped right now..and i have been feeling like this since yesterday and im feeling angry...because tramaine isnt listening to me and im trying to understand her side of things and where she is coming from..but at the same time im trying to get her to see that i cant make money appear out of thin air...and that what i do with my money really isnt her concern either...but all the same ..i went and applied for the apartment yesterday...and the same stress of not having the money to move in is still there...it hasnt changed..but she isnt hearing me on that...she is pushing for the apartment and its like...ok fine ill go apply but im not getting my hopes up until i know for sure..and even knowing for sure isnt going to be much help if i dont have the money to pay for it...and so the stress of the situation is just getting to me and im angry because i tried my hardest to explain that my check isnt going to be a lot..and that i have some things that i need to get paid out of this check...and she just keeps pushing past what i am saying...because she doesnt want to split up...and im just left feeling very trapped and upset...you know if things work out..great...but i cant stop worrying when i dont know if ill have the money...what am i going to do if i do end up with the money and then we have an apartment that has no food and we cant get stuff out of storage or even have a definite plan for getting the lights and what not turned on...and so yes i am scared...very very freaking scared and she is not understanding that...i want to be positive and optimist but right now it just feels like things are going to fall apart all over again...

i saw courtney yesterday and she upped my anixety med a little...ill have to see how that goes..she asked me to try it for a week and let her know...so ill do it today..but talked to her for a bit and then went to therapy and talked about the housing issue of course beacuse that is my main concern right now...and i did what i said i would do and i just feel so ignored..but then i explained my work schedule and im angry because i dont fit into her schedule anymore..i wont fit into liz's schedule either anymore..and ill be just left all alone again...and without the extra support...again im trying to wait and see if jane calls me with an appointment...but im scared nothing will be available for me..nothing at all..

my thoughts are being consumed again with wanting to cut..or burn or whatever..something...anything..everything is getting to me and im losing the ability to say what is wrong ...and that the little bit of support that i was starting to get again will go away...and im afraid of what will happen...or what i will do...

not eating...

sadly...last night and today i am feeling incredibly hungry...the problem with that is i dont want to eat because i dont have the food ... sad life i live...i feel like im starving and right now i would give anything to be able to get something to eat without being consumed by guilt ..because i need to keep money for other things..and food shouldnt be high on the list...like i need cat food...and ive been thinking and trying my hardest to figure out how i can make 10 dollars stretch to get cat food/litter and maybe something to eat..but every time i try to work it out..im out of money before there is any way for me to get anything...and i guess that is making me feel really down today...i will most likely go over to the lobby and at least make some toast or something and get some juice..and then i have to get up and get ready for my appointments...or i can just lay down until i have to go to my appointment and not go and eat anything...i dont know..this really isnt something that i feel like i need to argue with myself so much on..but i am...i do and it is frustrating..and sad...you know over the weekend when i was at sarahs and actually got to eat..like real food..i was feeling so darn guilty...because i was hungry and i shouldnt be going to someone elses house and eating their food..and i tried not to be a pig and constantly eat..or whatever..and that makes me ashamed of myself...i guess  a lot lately is making me feel ashamed of myself...so no i most likely wont eat anything..and ill go to the store and maybe be able to find something to eat that isnt expensive.. even at work i try hard to make myself refuse food because i dont want anyone to think i eat to much or something..even though not eating makes me tired..and this is depressing enough that now i truly am trying hard not to cry..

the other thing that is a slight issue is that some how i am getting sick in the mornings ..i dont have anything to throw up..but literally brushing my teeth is what triggers it..and it scares me because it has been leaving me feeling sick and inadvertently throwing up for like 10 mins or something..and then i panic and that makes it worse..because being sick and having nothing to throw up.hurts like crazy...i dont know why its started happening again...

yeah..depressing life 101..i should write a book

sleepy

uh im tired...  back to work today though..did i mention im tired ..essh

nothing

i dont know how im feeling right now...up and down..anxious..tired..my head wears me out...i cant figure out what it is that is getting at me...i dont know...im upset and i dont know why.. maybe im not upset..maybe im just feeling sad and out of sorts because i dont know how to deal with what i am feeling...im gonna go and lay down...

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thinking
thinking
thinking
thinking
thinking


thats all

something is making me sad...

there is something that is making me sad currently and im not sure that i know how to describe it or even put it into words...its like emotionally im no where near being the adult person that i am supposed to be...and by not being able to be an adult emotionally..then i cant handle a lot of situations..or maybe it is that i dont understand some situations and so then i dont know how to deal with them...and i think that is why with some older women..my boundaries are lacking severely and i attach to them and i want them to want me..and i promise to be good and not be a bother or get into trouble...for my actual age..i know that acting/believing that is not correct...but i dont know how to stop it...i have been noticing it a little bit the past few days ...nothing like major..but just little needs for approval..the constant need for comfort ..feeling incredibly clingy and willing to do whatever is needed to have my needs met...and my needs may be totally innocent in nature..but because of my past..i know that there is just more to it than that...once i am in good girl phase i know something else is going on...im overwhelmed i guess...im trying to be good..but i still need that validation..i need something...and im not getting it..and im not really sure how to get it...maybe it really is just a control issue..which will be getting explored a little bit over the weekend..and that scares me and confuses me and excites me all at the same time...why do i feel such a need to not have control but at the same time fight so hard to keep control??

today i am struggling ...

i just woke up feeling stressed today...and the longer i have been awake the more stressed i am feeling..i dont know what to do but the stress is starting to wear me down a lot and im beginning to feeling incredibly hopeless and upset and stuck with things..and maybe that is why i am feeling so trapped and upset all of the time..its because that no matter i do i am still stuck here and there is nothing that seems to be willing to truly work out and it frustrates me..im sick of looking for apartments and houses..i cant afford to be in the hotel but i cant afford to be any where else either..and that is what is frustrating me...i dont want to agree to go over and live in whitcomb when i kow that is an area that i am not comfortable with..the areas i am comfortable in wont accept my applications ..well wont approve my applications and i am getting worn out from all of this..i spend all of my time worrying and stressing and this week im not even really working and so im already worried about my next check and what i will be able to do or not do with it..there is at least $500 that i need for something ..well for two things and im very worried that i wont have the money i need for the hotel..and ive been thinking about having to move back to a hotel over by the airport because they are cheaper..and the whole situation just makes me want to cry..and i dont want to cry which means that what i want is to hurt myself in some way....and food isnt the way to do it because that is already an issue...it will be something else..and then i will just feel even stupider for not being able to keep myself safe enough now...i keep thinking that i will just go and take all of my meds...i wanted to take extra klonipin last night because i just couldnt sleep but i didnt ...but waking up today and just having to think and plan and try to figure things out has me feeling hopeless and tired of trying...and i dont know what to do anymore..i dont know how to be strong anymore for myself or anyone else...and im truly trying my hardest not to cry right now..because well im supposed to be the strong one for tramaine even..and im supposed to be the one with a plan and the one who knows what to do..and i dont..im just some lost person with no idea what is going on and i dont like that at all...i realize now that the one thing i havent talked about with the new therapist is what exactly my plan is supposed to be when i feel like killing myself ... i dont think i trust her enough to be willing to call her..but right now im not really sure who i can call or talk to or anything of that matter..all i want to do is cut really...some great example im setting..when i cant even keep myself safe ...and its not even trying to keep myself safe from anyone else..its me having to keep myself safe from me..and that is a fight that i lose on a pretty regular basis...and i had been trying ...i was trying hard..i was doing everything that i was supposed to do and still im stuck in this situation with no clear way out and now its like fine..someone has to be punished ..someone has to be hurt..because talking is not an option anymore...talking doesnt do anything..it doesnt help...and im just angry..very very angry and i dont know what to do with it ...and so it all just comes back to me being worthless and a screw up and wondering how in the world things have again gotten to this point and i dont know what to do about it...im done trying..i just want to give up..how is it possible to work and be homeless at the same time..how is it that i can go to work and never mention just how much i am struggling outside of work...no one wants to hear that...no one cares..i show up...i do my job and that is all that matters...and then i am left alone with my thoughts..and there is no escape from them..there is nothing left to try for when every single thing has just not worked out...how many times do i have to fail before i can give up??