stability

i think stability is very important to me...like i need for things to be a certain way..i need to know what to expect..what is going to happen..and when things are not like that then i start to spiral ....and i say that because even though right now things are still very difficult..and confusing..little things are beginning to become more stable...like i have a job..im taking my meds..im going to therapy...and my mind is losing some of its negativity...im not constantlly feeling like i am needing to die...i am still feeling the urge to hurt and all of that..and i thnk that right now im struggling with eating on a regular basis...ive begun using ice again as a meal replacement ... like during the week i am going at least 24 hours every other day i guess without eating..and then im starving and want to eat everything...not good..but in my mind it is the lesser of two evils...it makes me angry that i am feeling almost ok...or at least more manageable...and its just that i start thinking im ok and then i start messing up..and end up not being able to stay ok...self sabatage at its greatest..blah

but i guess i can try to make sense of what is going on..im working and am in the process of accepting the full time position..for a job that is very tiring and stressful...but a job i can almost like ... if i get the full time position then i will be able to have benefits...which i really do need...maybe ill be able to get my meds cheaper or something...

still living at the hotel and that is stressful by itsself..and my roommate is beginning to bring guys over and that makes me really uncomfortable..but am still in the hotel...trying to find housing and what not .. but the only place willing to even give me half a chance is going to charge me double the security deposit plus a months rent to move in...and im looking at that almost $1500 and it is making me crazy...and i really really wish i was able to live in a place where i felt safer ... but i guess that is not in the works for me...and that makes me sad and very very anxious...but i have to fill out the application ..since getting out of the hotel is important...i just dont know what to do...mommy mentioned seeing if she could help maybe but i dont want her to do that either...i dont know..i just hate not having a place to live..a real place with a real kitchen and privacy..and all of that....so i dont know...

on my being a mental case....i guess im beginning to calm down..still a lot of anxiety about things but the depression refuses to lift completely..and im just sad all the time...i dont know...

dejected

feeling very dejected today....get paid tomorrow and no money to do anything significant with...can do the hotel but that is getting to the point of not being a good option anymore...but not getting approved for an apartment...and so tired of looking and tired of not being able to do anything..and not enough money for a deposit plus rent ..and im thinking we will end up looking at renting a room again..until we can save up...i dont know what else to do...

in a pretty cranky mood

i dont know

i feel out of it today..i cant tell if im depressed or suicidal..my thoughts go back and forth and wont settle down...im tired and angry and hurt and very very sad..and i dont know what to do about it...i had trouble sleeping..all i could think about was ways to make myself hurt..because i do deserve it..because i have messed up..because there is nothing left for me...im sorry i really just cant be what/who everyone needs me to be..

when is it my time to be happy?

i am feeling incredibly sad right now..and have been for the past few hours...im hurt that once again my choices are being taken from me..one by one..and i feel like im just stuck watching it all happen around me...the issue of my relationship with sarah is the root of all of this...and information is being passed along and no one freaking knows the whole story..and no one will ask me..but everyone will tell me what they think i need to do or say or not do...why am i repeatedly being reminded that this is my first relationship?  that i am becoming to involved, to consumed with one person...how is this different than anyone elses first relationship?? why is it so wrong for me to feel that someone else is important to me and that i care for someone else who is not family .... is it that im slipping away from all of them a little bit ..that i am going to someone else to talk to and for help ?? what is it??  this may be my first relationship but i have seen a lot of relationships..i have watched the outcomes of good and bad relationships...and i was always so very afraid of being hurt in some way that i stayed away from relationships...i stayed away from everyone because fear ruled me...but when i started talking to sarah something was different..i was ok talking to her..i told her i was afraid..that i didnt know what i was doing, that i hadnt been in a relationship..that i didnt know what i was looking for...we talked about my past and being hurt ..and why it is that i struggle with a lot of different things...and eventually..and very slowly it became physical too....me..i was positive that i would be alone..i had mommy telling me again and again that i am going to be alone and then tells me that i need to get out more and meet new people...so i started talking to sarah and it was ok...i met her even though i was scared and was able to see that she was safe..and that she listened to me...she understands my hurts, the scars, the tears...she listens to me when im not feeling safe and checks on me when i am being completely unstable...she has stuck with me through all of this mess that i have going on right now...she has already seen me at my worst and she is still there...she makes me laugh, and i dont feel like i have to pretend im someone else when i am with her...i can be myself and that is enough...and that is something that i am not able to have with many people...the fact that i have let her into my personal space is a very big deal...i dont like anyone touching me..and yet i ask sarah to touch me...even when i am afraid and if i ask her to stop she will...sarah has become important to me..and she makes me happy..and with everything that is currently going on and with everyone trying to tell me what to do and i have to keep reminding myself that this is my happiness..sarah is my happiness and no one can take that away from me...i hate that the doubts and confusion has been put in my head..but now i am feeling very clingy and unsure of myself..and im afraid that the stress of having everyone in our business is going to make her go away..and im just afraid ..and i want to reassure myself and her but i dont think i am doing a good job..i dont know how to make it right ... i just want to be able to make my own choice and right now my choice is sarah...no one has asked me why i want to be with her...and how can i even put into words that sarah is the one person who has truly stuck with me..regardless of how i am acting or not acting..if im talking or shutting down..she can make me laugh and then be serious with me..we talk about the future, the past and the present..i feel safe with her, and i feel safe with her being near me...it is an actual relationship..i am not her caretaker and she is not my mother...we talk through the difficulties and the issues and are able to regain trust and safety...sarah accepts me, and tells me that im beautiful and she knows that i dont think that..or even believe it..but she tells me all the same..we like a lot of the same stuff..we get along...taji and bounce like her...sarah is smart, and beautiful and she wants more for herself and for me...she has dreams and ambitions and things that she wants to do with her life...we fit together in a completely different way than i am with anyone else...this is a completely different relationship where i am able to be on equal ground with someone without getting the relationship warped or messed up because of past issues..when im afraid of something ..i talk to sarah about it...she is the one i turn to for support for love...and im sorry if no one else can see just how much it is that i want to be loved...how much i want to be accepted as i am..i had a talk with tramaine tonight after i got off of the phone ...and i mean we are in a hotel so yeah i knew she was listening...and she told me that i wasnt a loser...that it doesnt matter what anyone else says as long as i am happy....and in that moment i was truly glad that tramaine was here..because i really wasnt feeling very safe tonight...

im trying to be ok..im trying to think and not react..im trying so very hard to be confident and know that i am making the choice for me...doing what makes me happy for once in my life...and i can sit and listen to everything mommy wants to say and everything that yvonne wants to say...but why cant i experience what ever it is that i am experiencing and everyone leave me alone about it...i cant tell the future but im supposed to be living in the present...i need to stay in the present and live with what my life is now...and i dont want mommy to mess that up..

i knew i was right ....

i knew i was right..i knew it..and i wasnt stupid..and it did happen just as i said it did..yvonne was upset and said something to nia and nia somehow said something to mommy... i really must be a sucky person...i really do just fail at life ..

processing...trying to process

i really am wishing i could remember things better...im already getting holes in my head from therapy today...its like i still try to protect myself from myself and that means forgetting...always forgetting...but yes i went to therapy today and i just wasnt feeling it at all..i didnt want to talk to her...or see her..and almost stopped waiting for her...but we talked about the appointment this morning with the gyno and i didnt go into a lot of details about it..but the basics..and then we talked about my phone call yesterday and how it made me feel and the outcome i guess..and it still amazes me that someone else is able to see just how much control mommy has over me..and i hate that...i told her that sarah is my girlfriend and kind of what we talked about last night and how my mind had worked things out...but she was on my side...that i could be upset and hurt..and that i didnt want mommy trying to control my relationship..and she asked me to write down my feelings about sarah..because i told her that i have my own thoughts and then mommy tells me something and its like what she says becomes my thoughts too and then i get lost and confused and unsure of what i want to do....she was right in that i am confident in my relationship with sarah..i am...im going to write it but i need another journal since i cant print right now....but it was actually ok...talking to the therapist...it got me thinking...but yeah it went ok yesterday

i left therapy and was in my car when mommy called and yeah i was immediately defensive...but she again brought up me and sarah and got around to asking if she had upset me with what she said....i told her twice during the conversation yesterday that she had hurt my feelings with what she said..and i told her that she was assuming all of this stuff...pretty much mommy thinks i need to date more and fiigure out what i want...and was ever so nice to remind me that i have never been in any other relationship...add in a few of course you can be with who ever you want, and i love you regardless...and i wanted to bang my head on the wall from frustration...i did tell her that i am not planning on getting married any time soon... i told her that i had already talked to sarah about the lack of my relationship experiences ... im not stupid...and even with a serious lack of experience i knew my fears before anything even started...but she apologized for hurting my feelings...and now im just hoping that the conversation will be done with...im not sure yet if i feel completely safe with all of it and dealing with her..but i will see... i guess i was slightly braver since this conversation happened right after therapy...im not sure i would have admitted anything otherwise..but mommy did say that nia didnt tell her anything..and that she wouldnt do that...so yeah...backing off a bit with everyone..until i feel safer again i guess...i dont want my personal life to become the topic of the month...but i am glad i didnt keep my concerns and fears to myself about it all...and im glad that i did end up asking for clarification i guess from mommy...even though i never would have done it at any other time...my feelings were really hurt though..and the assumptions that mommy has about me just doesnt make any sense...i really think she believes i dont know anything at all..and yes i have done my share of stupid stuff..like just plain bad decisions...but i guess that comes with the whole growing up and being an adult thing..but i just started out really late it seems...ill make all of my stupid mistakes now ..but i guess that is how it goes...i suppose at some point my 'bad years' that i didnt have as a teenager would come up..and i think that right now..i am completely in leave me alone and let me experience life phase...who knows...but at least i have a partner in crime !

and my appointment yesterday to see the gyno was disappointing ... well the ultrasound hurt..and i swear i was once again trying my hardest to move away from the source of the pain..which meant trying to go backwards up the table..because speaking and saying that i was being hurt wasnt an option..but trying to get away was..and of course the dang ultrasound lady keeps telling me to relax and im staring at the ceiling trying not to cry or move...it sucked...and then i found out from the doc that my mirena had fallen out of place...like the basics of it is ..the mirena is put in your uterus..at the opening ...mine had worked its way out of my uterus and was making a journey down my cervix...and that is like a big nono is mirena world...so the doc took it out..i dont think pushing it back up was a viable option and i probably would have had a melt down if she had suggested that...yuck..but my options now are to either go back on the pill or retry the mirena...and im not to keen on retrying the mirena..because it hurt a lot last time and well if my body managed to push it out once...im not sure trying a second time is the best idea....the doc did give me a med to look up info on and see if i want to try it...but mostly right now im afraid that my period will start and not stop and ill be back to dealing with the same issue...and i dont want that to happen...i really dont...i just want it to stop because i just dont like it...and the doc already told me that she wouldnt give me a hysterectomy...i asked her..i told her i didnt need anything that was down there...slightly different opinion now....but i could still do without the stupid period...but i have to figure out something because if my period restarts i am not going to be a happy person .... i prolly need to make another appointment at the clinic to see the gyno ppl and see what can be done...or maybe ill tell courtney that im gonna die if she doesnt get my birth control back for me...blah..

last night i will admit that i pretty much lost my mind...concerning a very interesting conversation that i had with sarah ...but the end result may in fact make the whole conversation worth it...i am completely embarrassed by what i inadvertently asked for..but well interestingly enough the half made result was accepted...which has had me ridiculously happy and unable to sleep...which is how ive managed to actually write all of this ...because i was done sleeping like almost 2 hours ago...maybe it is ok to ask for things...hmmm im gonna have to think about that a bit more..

i cant make sense of the world

i couldnt sleep...ive finally given up on sleeping and im feeling rather sick and anxious at the minute...not to mention i have like two hours to drink enough that i will need to go to the bathroom again...yesterday is weighing heavy on me and the ones i would have talked to about it..i am not feeling to trusting towards...i talked to sarah but i know she is feeling really sad about it too...im not sure what else i can think about ..i already was worried about today and now my mind is running rampant on so many different issues..the clonazapan isnt working so well this time around..and it just makes me want to take more so that it will numb me out...especially today...

i dont understand what the point was though...why talk about me so much when im not even there..and i realize that is such a stupid question because mommy talks about me whenever she feels like it...and yes i have screwed up recently with money and things..but why talk about the one thing that makes me happy? and right now there isnt a lot that makes me happy.  i fully understand my choices right now..and in the grand scheme of things.i would have liked to hope that mommy, nia and yvonne would have been able to see that sarah is the one good thing right now...when everything else has just fallen apart repeatedly its been sarah who hasnt gone anywhere, and who has been supportive and been everything ive needed..she lets me completely break down and doesnt laugh at me or tell me to stop or suck it up...and ive never had that...i dont want to have to let go of the one person who cares about me and how im feeling..who tells me im beautiful regardless of my own self hate...

if it gets to a point where i have to choose..i will pick sarah...no i dont want to lose noa in the process..but my family is just having to much control over me..and it needs to stop..because its not fair..and now it is hurting someone who i love and thats not ok...

just sad

i
right now
i am just very very hurt...and sad...the anger has begun to drain away..but it is still there also...to think that two of the people i trusted have inadvertenly used information against me..hurts a lot..it really does...i dont have a lot of friends..and i really dont let many people know what is going on with me...but yvonne did know..and nia knows a lot...and now i guess i became the topic of conversation when mommy went up to nias this weekend...i dont know why..but i was...and now i have mommy telling me i need to have my own life...that i shouldnt be taking care of anyone..
my heart hurts
my body hurts
the sad thoughts are overwhelming me...

im annoyed and frustrated

someone has been telling mommy something ..and i can guess who it was ..but i dont know why...and it is frustrating and confusing to me and makes me feel as if i just need to not say anything at all about anything i am doing or not doing...and once again i am being told what i should and shouldnt be doing..that i shouldnt be giving all of my time to sarah...and its like geez i see sarah twice a week..im not living with her..im not freaking taking care of her..who told her any of this ?? and the only real conclusion i can figure out that is at the root of this sudden issue .. is that yvonne said some thing to nia and nia said something to mommy..and what was it?  that she didnt sleep in the bed with me?  that i wanted to hang out with sarah? im always doing something for everyone else..always...and the one time i find someone that i like being around and who keeps me from being lonely..and now everyone wants to give me their opinion on what i need not to do...im angry and hurt...i really am...because there is one bright spot in my life right now and everyone seems to be trying their hardest to crush it..and i dont understand why...no one asks what she does for me? all anyone else can see is the wheelchair and the extra help needed and that is not fair...suddenly it is an issue...and it is everyone else that is making it an issue...sarah is very independent...i am not stepping in and doing every single thing for her...thats not the way this is..thats not the way the relationship is...now there is a problem because im not spending time with anyone else....who in the heck do i have to spend time with ?  curvon im not seeing a lot because i am living in a freaking hotel...not because im only paying attention to sarah....because im working and if im not working im sleep and my couple days of being with sarah shouldnt be an issue...no one in my family knows any freaking thing about me....ill go back into my own little hole and go back to being alone and then wait for everyone to once again tell me that i need to be doing more..getting out more...but i guess i cant win either way....maybe i will just be alone..and that is all there is for me because im ruining everything for everyone else it seems...

freaked

im looking at the day and i am worried for myself...im freaking out and its just getting worse...maybe i should go ahead and take the dang meds and maybe that will help quiet my thoughts....everything is centered around my doc appt tomorrow..and the urge to just act out is massive right now..and i say act out because that is what it is..words fail me..but if i do something phsical then that is glaringly obvious that something is wrong...and i dont know how to explain how afraid i am...i cant stop thinking about the last visit and how much it hurt..and that i couldnt do anything to make it stop...and im going back tomorrow..what in the hell is wrong with me?  i thought you are supposed to not do things that hurt you..

i think ill hide today.

needing to write...

today i think my fear is getting the best of me...im afraid of monday..im distracted and just want to sleep...i dont want to go to the doc and i have to..im afraid of getting bad news..im afraid that i cant handle anymore bad news..i know im freaking out and im trying not to but im just scared..and im starting to withdraw again..i just dont know what to say..i dont know how to say im scared..or why im scared..so many thoughts in my head and i dont know what to do with any of them...sadly i was biting the inside of my wrist earlier...i dont even know why..i think i was starting to feel floatly and needed to get myself grounded...i was afraid of going to sleep...bad dreams..and i was afraid that if i fell asleep that i would wake up alone..and so i keep fighting sleep..until i couldnt anymore..and now im fighting it again.except this time im fighting it alone..im not at sarahs anymore..im supposed to be able to deal with this and i still cant ... im still having major mood swings...and still angry a lot...and ive been good..ive been taking my meds..i went to therapy..and i go back on monday..which im thinking may not be the best idea...coming from the gyno and going to the therapist...im cursing that one as we speak..im just feeling frustrated and stuck tonight..and i just want to go back over to sarahs... 

i dont think im able to write all that is on my mind right now....maybe tomorrow will be better.

i dont know

im struggling a bit today..and im still feeling angry...and tired...im feeling angry...im trying to feel angry but already it is becoming muted...i got my 3 head meds filled today. and took them...and its like im trying to fight the meds..im trying hard to fight them and i cant..i dont know..ive switched computers...sadly...im back on my old one and tomorrow morning im going to meet the lady at the grocery store in order to sell it...i feel like im losing a body part..and its hard..im having trouble thinking..like my thoughts are buried underneath mud and i cant pull them up...im trying..i did go and see the therapist today..and im not sure what i think about her..she was late..im told her that i wouldnt talk to her until i left comfortable with her...and im slightly scared that my need to manipulate things in therapy is going to get in the way...im ashamed to say that i am doing/testing her...i have to...if she isnt able to figure out what i am saying or how to get around my thinking..it wont work...i have to know what her boundaries are..and i have to know if i can get through them .. and if she isnt then i dont know...does that make me a bad person ??  i dont mean to manipulate ... i really dont...but im trying to be honest here...i just dont know...

angry

im really angry right now...i woke up angry..and as the day begins im just feeling more and more angry and out of control...i want to be left alone today and im supposed to be going to see the thearpist and i cant even figure out if i want to get up and deal with it..im trying to remind myself that it is ok and that im just going to meet her..but i am feeling mean..and i want to lash out..and the more i feel like im not getting a response i guess..the more my thinking turns to lashing out against myself...some how in the past few minutes my thinking really did turn completely and i went from just being pissed off about everything..to being pissed up and wanting to cut...i want attention or something right now and im not getting it and i dont know how to ask for it and im just tired and cranky and i only got a few hours of sleep and tramaine once again left her key i guess..and so she bangs on the door at 7 in the morning...i didnt freaking go to sleep until almost 2 i guess...and now im awake..and angry that im awake... i feel like im being interrogated ... like tramaine asked where i was yesterday..and mommy asked where i was yesterday..and it makes me mad...where in the hell does everything think im at exactly?? what does everyone think i do??  if im not at work then im at the hotel and if im not there im at sarahs...three places...my world is very small these days...i dont do anything...now yesterday i was at work..i worked 16 hours...double my actual shift..because they were so incredibly short staffed yesterday...and i ended up staying...i regretted that decision almost instantly...i mean i couldnt be made to stay...and so i was asked and said i would...staff got hurt last night...quite a few in fact...im not really sure there will be any full time staff left soon...im really not...i wasnt hurt yesterday..i was just drained and threatened ... you know the usual... but im not scheduled again until wed..and so that is when they will be seeing me again...im not coming in any sooner than that...i dont want to.  i need a break...and im taking it. 

i really need to do laundry...ill prolly do that tomorrow...and kinda organize my stuff..im pretty upset ..well sad that i will be selling my laptop tomorrow...ill be cleaning it off today..after my appointment...but i need to get my meds..and other stuff...so yeah...ill manage...

having some stomach issues...lovely period started at work yesterday..i couldnt have been wearing lighter pants if i had tried..thankfully i had a pair of jeans in my car and was able to change...because yeah..embarrassed and not comfortable at all...

more stuff happened this weekend but im feeling tired ...maybe ill get up now so that i cant convince myself to miss my appointment.

really emotional....

i dont know why but for the past week or so ive been really just emotional...i thought that it was because of the incredibly bad sessions on tuesday..and i was just upset...but in the days since then..i am still feeling really on edge i guess...watching tv has me in tears and im really fighting the urge to have a breakdown right now...and yesterday at work i was feeling upset enough to ask for a hug from a coworker...and i have to fight to not react at work...because my need to be defensive is major ...and its like if im not being 'talked' to by the higher ups then i guess im doing alright with work..even though ive now been hit and restrained kids..protected kids..had my hair pulled..and yeah...no i havent been hurt..and i feel like a baby for even complaining when i know that other staff has been hit and worse..but i dont like being hit and having a hard time controlling my actions will get me in trouble ..im having more trouble remembering that its not about me....i really am having trouble with understanding that its not about me...that its important for me not to take it personally...am i stupid for having a job that is an active trigger for me ???  im just not real sure right now what is the driving force behind how i am feeling right now...i really dont ....

thinking in circles

im thinking myself to death...i really am...  i know i cant budget to save my life..i really cant..and im frustrated because i of course dont have enough money to do things with.  I will be able to send mommy what i am supposed to send her..and get groceries to cook with and yea i need tramaine to buy food because for the past couple weeks it has been me...and maybe im just annoyed at that because i am so worried about food.  i will make a couple things on saturday..and because of the fridge size it wont be as much as i was planning to make..but will see...im just sitting here thinking about money and bills and trying to make everything fit..and still trying so hard to hang on to my computer without having to sell it..and it makes me upset still..that this is what i am up against...im worrying about going to nias and the cruise because i just want to be able to get away and it feels like every other day i am just faced to accept that i cant do a single thing...and that makes me so upset...i dont know..im trying to be fair and stuff..but things are making me angry..and  i dont understand why..and maybe i need to go back to sleep...but im hungry..and yeah...sleep

just another puzzle piece

today i was responding to something on facebook and realized another piece of why the s/i is suddenly so important....i really dont know how i havent managed to figure this out before now...


normally i work very hard to be okay, to appear ok, to be in control, to be fine and happy and managing because that is how it is supposed to be...but i do this so much that when things really arent ok i have a hard time admitting it, a hard time asking for help, a hard time even being able to acknowledge that things are not ok and that things are getting really bad....it takes me forever to admit it and if i am having to admit it to someone that i dont trust then it may not happen..and then i get so upset because it feels as if no one cares and no one notices that i am not ok and that i am hurting or struggling..and the only way to show that i am having a hard time is to s/i ..the worse the self harm the more i am struggling..because that can be seen...that can be addressed..that can be fixed...if i say i am hurting myself then there is obviously something else going on..then someone is paying attention to me, talking to me, trying to help me with whatever is going on...and again im not doing it for attention..its never about attention...its about the fact that i dont know how else to get help..or to have someone believe me when i say that i am not ok...

trying to think...

i am trying to think and not panic...but i cant get the feelings of being panicked out of my head...every time i start to think about my current situation i start to panic and then i just feel out of control all over again..i dont know what to do right this minute and every day it is something else added to the list of things to deal with...impulsively i am just ready to stop trying and to give up...right now i want to be alone. i dont want to go to work..i dont want to do anything at all...the only reason i am going to work tonight is because i like the person i am working with..i dont want to be there though..i dont want to be anywhere...it would be nice to forget that i am even alive...but i dont have enough meds for thatt. so i am still stuck in my sad little life ... i told yvonne last night that my life is a burden..and i really meant itt...

im trying to think and plan for what i need to do..and fear and anziety get in the way each time...yvonne is coming tomorrow..and of course i have to work most of the time she will be here...she is leaving on saturday..and i need to remember to ask her about meeting sarah before she leaves on saturday...and money or no money i know that i need to get some food cooked on saturday..to have at the hotel...and part of me is slightly annoyed about it because yes if i cook and bring it back then ill have to share...and the issue is that tramaine just eats more than i do..and lately i am the one keeping food in the room..and maybe i am again just over reacting...i dont know..i just dont have the money to get having to buy food..and i know what i eat and how i eat ... but yeah..ill just do what i can i guess...and see what happens...

did some cleaning up today at the hotel...hopefully ill be able to finally get laundry done this weekend at some point ..and get my other stuff packed up and put in storage...maybe...or just packed up and moved out of the way...

ive talked to mommmy a lot this morning and my current issue with her is just a lot to deal with...and causing a lot of stress and what not....

and im just distracted a lot right now...im juts gonna go and read...

i wish i felt as if i was able to be safe

right now i am struggling.  a lot.  things have kind of fallen apart today and im scared and stressed out...and very suicidal..i had a plan and everything earlier...i had a couple plans..instead of doing anything i took the trazadone and went to sleep...and tried to cry quietly because i couldnt figure out anything else to do... i couldnt really stop the crying anyway...i wanted to be alone but tramaine is here and has been here all day..i wanted to be left alone and she wouldnt leave...i ended up falling asleep though and now im just feeling so out of it...im tired and not feeling good at all right now...im annoyed and irritated and just angry..at every thing....im mad at courtney and liz and im mad at myself and the fact that i got yelled at for an hour today..and the feelings of being a failure are taking over right now...more so than usual...the fact that i got food today from the clinic was so very embarrassing..and that was the first time i actually cried today...hmm maybe the second time because ithink i was crying a little bit once i figured out that courtney really wasnt there this morning...and i just felt stupid and forgotten...and then she came and i was mad and ended up not really talking to her about things..i filled her in a little bit...and i did agree to let her talk to the therapists there and see if anyone was available...i ended up getting a call and the appointment is for next monday...i saw liz and that was just hard because i was feeling really depressed and upset by the time i got to her..but then during the session she talked about making a plan for when she leaves and isnt there..and in my messed up mind i took it as she was leaving and so i really just stopped talking to her...and at the time i didnt realize i was shutting down..but she asked me to stop..told me that it was important for me to talk to her..but i was so so mad and hurt..i didnt want to talk to her anymore...i told her that i didnt like her anymore...and that i didnt want to talk to her...before i left i apologized because it really wasnt nice..and i felt bad...but all the same i told her i didnt like her..and i really couldnt explain how i was feeling at the time or why or anything else..i couldnt get past that she said she was leaving...i know she is leaving eventually but today hearing it and being asked what i thought was just to much to deal with on top of everything else...and i was shutting down...but i dont think ive ever had anyone tell me that i was shutting down...i dont remember...but liz asked me specfically to not shut down...and it was just weird having my behavior called out when i didnt realize exactly what i was doing..and verbally i wasnt saying anything but i guess nonverbally i was doing a lot...but got through that appt and then had to wait to see robert before leaving because he was the one in charge of the food bank stuff..and courtney had given him a message asking if i could get food..and i was embarrased and ashamed..and that made me feel even more like a failure...and when robert gave me a hug then i did start crying...i got home and was feeling really bad and was still feeling really tearful and upset and watching criminal minds made me cry even more..and then mommy called ..and pretty much yelled at me..for something that is entirely my fault but fixing the situtation makes looking at the next two weeks even harder and more stressful...i thought i would be able to manage..but i cant...and so tomorrow i will be relisting my computer...and this time i will have to push harder or something..and lower the price...but i wont be able to keep it...if i want to eat and have gas money..then ill need the cash...and i have no choice...and after i got off the phone with mommy then my plans for everything juts stopped...i cant do anything at all...no birthday for noa, no movies, shoot im wondering again if i will be able to even get my meds...i dont know..i really dont know...everything has been going through my mind..and when i started to think about cutting my wrist and taking all of the trazadone that i had...i didnt care..im trying to care..and i made myself go to sleep...i really dont know how i am going to get through the next few days...i dont even know right now how i am going to get through the night...im tired..and feeling very hopeless...and i cant seem to control the need to cry...i juswt keep thinking that i am done..that i give up...that there really just isnt a point to anything anymore..that i just mess up and screw up and trying to fix it makes everything so much worse..and its like im just crazy...that there is no hope for me..that trying to get by isnt working...i keep messing things up..maybe things will feel better tomorrow....i just dont know right now...i cant promise anything at all...i dont even know what to promise...i cant trust myself right now at all...

“You tried to change, didn’t you? Closed your mouth more, tried to be softer, prettier, less volatile, less awake…You can’t make homes out of human beings. Someone should have already told you that.”
— Warsan Shire

thinking...still worrying ...

im so worn out right now...worn out and worrying and stressing..and i feel so much shame right this minute...ive been walking around the hotel room in just a tshirt and underwear..so my legs are out..and well my legs are currently sporting some burn scars that have been peeling...and today she noticed them...i had actually forgotten them sort of ..but now ..there was a conversation and i am pissed to all sorts of hell that she actually said she would check me...that is not happening..and i told her it wasnt happening but i didnt say why..and then a call from mommy at the same time and so im feeling really stressed out right this minute...i mean yeah i could wear pants..but i dont like wearing pants when im feeling hot...the scars she knows about...the burns are new... -sigh- i am really very stupid...and i feel stupid .. and upset and corned .and i dont know...my thinking is going down really fast right this minute..and i suddenly just dont want to have to deal with anything at all right now..im tired and have a headache..and im angry...very angry..and i know and completely understand that sometimes its really hard for someone else to understand how hard it is to deal with mental illness and behaviors and all of that...and i know she is trying to be supportive..but like people who dont have the information or the experinece needed..some of her responses are hurtful...and its like i know that everyone has their own issues and stuff..and my issues are no more important than anyone elses...but i dont want to know that..or be reminded of that..because then it makes me feel as if what i am dealing with is not important..or that im over reacting or something...and maybe i am...but some comments just instantly take me back to things mommy has said to me and so it just hurts a lot and i cant react..because im trying so hard to prove that i am ok and that nothing is wrong and so me sitting and saying that something is wrong is a big deal..but i guess at the same time it is much harder to believe since i am always just trying to be positive and telling her to be positive..there just isnt any more for being negative ... not any room to show that i am being negative...but again it is my fault you know....just my fault...and i dont know what im doing anymore...ive picked my finger apart in the past like 10 mins...and i keep looking at it and know that its going to get infected...im trying to care..i am..but its hard right now..im thinking to much..i am still seeing courtney and liz tomorrow...maybe if i dont cancel...because right now i dont want to go at all..and im just freaking myself out..worrying about money and gas and all of that...i have to do laundry because my work clothes are just completely gross...so that leaves me 5 for gas..and i want to just scream in frustration..im tired of all of this...im tired of being asked what my plan is..right now i cant even make it through the day without feeling completely hopeless and upset ... i want to be done with everything and i cant...im trying not to give up...i really am...i need to get up tomorrow morning before my appt and do a load of laundry...

hotel life...

things are really hard still..and crap juts writing that has me feeling as if i want to cry... i havent cried in a while and i think the energy to not cry is slowly cracking apart...i dont know..i feel so down and depressed..and i know things will get better but the waiting and trying and staying positive just takes a toll by itsself...i mean im living in a hotel..my stuff is in storage..my car can be taken at any moment..and i really dont know how i am even managing..because once again im struggling to just get through the day...no money for anything and paying the hotel and pet fee today took all i had..and that is depressing all by itsself..i get a meal a day..when im working and today im just trying to figure out what i can even eat before i go to work...i dont mean to be so depressing..but my life right now is not something that i am able to see the light at the end of the tunnel with...im just feeling stressed out and worried about everything...

my body hurts a lot lately..physical pains or something..mostly my legs and back...and my feet...i need something for my shoes..they are making my feet hurt majorly..

i miss noa.  nia sent me pictures yesterday..and ive been looking at them and she is getting so big ... i wish i could just go and live there but i cant...time wise it just doesnt work.and the work commute would be awful!  but im just missing her..

and since ive now slept all morning and into the afternoon..i have to wake up for work..darn...guess ill write tomorrow

not thinking clearly

right now i dont feel as if i am thinking clearly...i keep trying to and i just end up more upset and frustrated and ready to juts scream and cry...i dont know how to get the words out for what is going on..and i feel like i am drowning in my own thoughts and my inability to speak and be understood..i want to throw things or have a tantrum and i feel like i need to sit on my hands to stop the feelings of having a tantrum...im really anxious today...i think ive been anxious since tuesday..and now im more anxious because i know that courtney is expecting an answer...she is expecting a legit answer and all i want to do is throw something at her head and tell her to leave me alone... because yes that is certainly how i can act my age :(  i dont know...i cant think or come to a decision on anything..i keep changing my mind..i keep getting angry and then i think that everyone is just telling me stuff and i think im feeling very paranoid ... i want to refuse help because i dont need it..because im fine..because i just want to be left alone...but if im left alone i will die...because all it takes is enough free time for me to convince myself that my thinking is right..that i deserve to die..that im not able to live this life..that im not cut out for this...on and on and on..it doesnt stop..ive screwed up..i keep screwing up...and there is no hope at all for me...not anymore...ive disappointed everyone there is to disappoint and now there is no point at all in doing anything..no point in trying...i want to say goodbye and be done with it..and i write this and even more stupidly ask myself when did i become suicidal?  when did it get this bad?  and still the most pushing thought is that i need to convince everyone else that i am fine...its important..i have to make them believe...and then i am mad when i cant express im having a hard time because i did so well convincing everyone that i am fine..im not fit for anything..i dont need to be an aunt..i dont need to be a girlfriend...i should be locked away like mommy told me...i should just be pushed into the hosptial and left to die or something...mommy was right...there really is something very wrong with me...im sorry im not good enough...and i think i need to just hide away or something for a while .  i cant deal with life and life cant deal with me....

once again..all i can do is wonder and cry...

once again i am left asking myself how things have gotten to this point...but i know how...i know what has happened..i know why it has happened..and still im at the mercy of my job because i dont have the money...and im feeling stuck...so very stuck...and a lot of other negative stuff..just things keep being hard and i keep messing up and this is where i am at..and i hate it..i really really hate it...im trying not to complain and so i keep most of it all to myself ... because there is no point...because i guess my only option at the moment is somehow hurting myself to the max before mommy has the chance to get to me...and she will..and she will be beyond pissed off and i dont know...im facing losing my car...and im frustrated and scared about all of it...i spend my days worrying about money..about where im going to live..how im going to take care of taji and bounce...just worrying about everything..there really isnt much room for anything else..

i want to cry...because i am going to lose my life lines...i listed my laptop last night on craigslist and this morning i have emails asking for more information...i almost hoped no one would want it...i really hoped that...but if i do get a legit buyer..i guess my computer and kindle will be moving on...and i dont know what in the hell i will do without them...

and this is depressing and i need to stop writing ...

-sigh-

i may end up having to see if i can sale both of my laptops....life is grand...it really is....ive been trying to hang on to them...but i guess it may not be possible..im disappointed....very disappointing

i saw the behavioral health lady today...and im expecting a phone call from my other doc at some point..once she is informed of my current state of mind and behaviors...i was expecting it so it isnt surprising..it just makes me sad... i feel bad that i was such as ass though this morning...i didnt have to be so  difficult..and i was..and at the time it was important for some reason..but i wasnt willing to be compliant or give in on anything..and so i refused everything she asked of me..and then refused to look at her ... and i told her i wasnt going to..and i even told her why a little bit...but i didnt look at her..no matter how much she asked me to...but i really was very difficult and i feel bad....i was angry when i left though..because she kept trying to get me to look at her and the more i refused the more she asked..and i wasnt going to give in..and i really truly didnt feel like i could look at her...



i am dead.  i am

just another day

im feeling bad...mentally anyway...physically im just hungry..and tired...the mood swings are hellish today already...and i want to scream or cry or something and i dont know why..why am i getting so angry? so hopeless?  punishment comes in many forms...and i stupidly somehow forgot that when i am truly feeling this bad..that the ways to covertly punish myself start happening more and more often...and eventually it will turn into cutting or burning...but for now it is the low key stuff that is the problem...right this minute i can see it for what it is...who knows how long it will last...in a few mintues i may have a complete thought overhaul and suddenly everything is ok and it doesnt matter how much it may hurt in the long run..because there is nothing wrong with doing it...again my thinking centers on the fact that i am not hurting anyone else..so its ok...as long as no one knows what i am going to do then its ok...because my planning and thinking and current habits are all counter productive...and im currently feeling very very pissed off with my body..and i just want to cry and cant or wont ..im not really sure..if i eat i plan to throw up..if i cry i will cut...the irony is not lost on me..i thought i had managed to contain my thinking like this and stop it ..but it is back...i guess it will always come back...maybe ill stop taking the meds...no i have one more valium...maybe ill take that...and go to my stupid appointment ...i need back that other valium ...ill even ask very nicely for it...  i need to hide and shut up before i say or do something stupid ...

reacting...-sigh-

i dont know what all has happened today...and maybe it is just the stress from the past few days catching up with me...but i am feeling very angry today...well since being off of work..i think i may have been angry at work..i dont know..but i got off and my mood just dropped..and it may have been i hadnt eaten today and was tired..and hungry..and maybe my sugar was low..ok so i need to stop skipping meals...but just a stressful day at work and feeling sick and tired and having to drive across town and worrying and stressing and feeling like a flat out failure...and just reacting badly right now to things...im feeling trapped..and i have to think of a way out and im just feeling the stress...and its piling up..and i cant get my meds and im just ready to fall apart and i just cant.  i have to work and i have to live and i have to stay positive for sarah and tramaine and nia and mommy ... there just is not any time for me anymore.  i have to be strong because there just is not any other option...and im trying to keep my struggles to myself...and outside of a very small handful of people..no one knows just how lousy things are right now..that i dont have a place to live..that ive been out of work ..and its an even smaller handful that knows i dont have my meds and im not in therapy..and that i prolly got hired at the most triggering of jobs and that im determined to stick it out...but that im being triggered..and it took until today to realize that i am in fact being triggered..and that i am not destressing...i cant relax..my body refuses to relax..and my back hurts and im tired and cranky and want to hit and yell or do something...im angry and i dont know what has caused it..i cant drive lately without getting pissed off..i cant be around anyone lately without getting pissed off and i can tell that i am beginning to become more reactive...and then i get alone and cant control my impulses...and i just stay stuck in whatever cycle it is that i am currently stuck in...i dont like i am currently feeling.  i dont like being angry.  i dont like being impulsive..i dont really like myself right now...im tired of struggling..im tired of everything..and maybe it is my mood talking...but i realize that each day im moving farther away from the small bit of mental stability that i had with the meds...and its beginning to happen more frequently..the anger..the impulsiveness..the not thinking things through...the negative thinking...its all much harder to deal with...but i am supposed to deal with it.

i will stop complaining now...