not feeling very brave....

im really just feeling very tired...and sad.... i put on a brave face to every one ..but right this minute im just feeling like a reject...im looking at my stuff and knowing that it will be once again bagged up and packed away..and ill be in a hotel again..for a possibly undetermined amount of time and that just makes me sad...im scared and worried and anxious and i dont want to be in the hotel..i really dont...but again i guess no one needs to know that..so ill manage...i always manage...but again my need to be impulsive is picking up today...i want to cut..and im afraid i will...oh well.  i stink at being an adult..i really do..

needing care and reassurance ...

between work last night ..and writing an email today..i am thinking about how i relate to others that i work with and am around a lot of the time... i try hard to be adult and do what i need to do..and i think that sometimes i just kind of draw people to me who somehow pick up on my need for love and care and attention...and i may not outwardly be asking for it..but some how it is picked up on...yesterday i saw a handful of other counselors that i have already worked with in the past week...and one hugged me and asked how i was...and one checked in with me as i was leaving and again asked me how i was...two people that i do not know well at all..but they are both older women...and somehow without me asking for it..they have picked up on something..and im never really sure what it is...a lot of the time when i am working with coworkers on a regular basis and what not..i always end up..well most of the time i end up with people who feel the need to protect me..or look out for me...im thinking in particular of jim becasue we spent so much time together and working together and what not at talisman...he looked out for me..stood up for me..and maybe it is because im quiet...and until im comfortable i am a bit more hesitant to speak out and stuff...but i am getting used to this job..and yes in two weeks i have already pinpointed that the kids think they can get over on me...but what they dont know is that i am watching every single thing they are doing ... even if i am not looking directly at them i can see when they are passing notes..i hear their comments, and cursing and plotting...i see all of it...and even if i dont say anything..im not keeping the information from other staff..but they will learn...and i will stand up for myself ... but i really dont want to strangle one in particular...ugh...patience is a good thing..but this girl is wearing my patience thin...ugh

Today I am very sad.

I am feeling very sad today.   Dr. Maya Angelou died today and it feels as if a family member has died.  I keep seeing the posts/news stories/quotes/etc..and it is hard.  I feel like crying and I dont understand why.  I read her books, I have read her poems, I followed her story, she was inspiring just because of who she was.  She lived her life, and her past was her stepping stones to something better.  She made it, she inspired others, she lived and loved and cared ..and now she is gone and it hurts.  It really hurts.  This is a women that I have never met, in the world of billions of people, who am i to her?? Yet hearing that she has died stopped me completely.  I didnt want to believe it, but it is true.  I have to believe it.  I cant make her come back just for my benefit.  How is it possible to really miss someone who I have physically never met, never been around, never talked too?  No I do not understand it at all. The sadness is overwhelming.  The need to think and process is overwhelming.  I never think that the people I am drawn to will ever die or go away and so when it happens, it is just that much harder to deal with.  How can I possibly explain that someone I do not know has died and the ripple effect has me completely thrown off balance.

confusion....

the parent child relationship ...is a mind blowing concept to me..and i think it always has been..the ability for a parent to love and care for their child more than anything else in the world..maybe because i never that...maybe that is what makes it so overwhelming to me...and then to be in the field i am and to see parents who do not want their children..and who dont care for their children..and its hard to see..hard to watch...the parents who curse at their children ..toddlers like they are grown adults..it is heartbreaking....

my relationship with mommy is screwed like 50 ways past crazy..its is some crazy dependent type relationship..control and lack of control and just not being able to see myself as an adult with her....but for all of the relationship flaws i know she will help me if she can...i may not want to ask or accept the help because it comes with a price ..but she will help....  now i have limits ..that i most likely developed myself as to what i will and wont ask for from her..and sometimes it can be that i have nothing and just refuse to ask her because its just so time consuming and worrisome and difficult to deal with...and so sometimes she or nia has to pull things out of me to get me to admit i need help...that being said i am also an adult...again an issue that i have difficulty with accepting..but i know that i have to take care of myself..that i dont want to be this old and living at home or depending on mommy to take care of myself ...no in my mind.working is freedom and my ticket to not go back home..because my life is no longer at home..because i will kill myself if i have to live at home... and this year...well since last September..and i lost my job...things have juts kinda gone downhill...and i havent been able to find any stability in this time frame...not real concrete stability...and so it has been a struggle...and i have had to think of plans and ideas and just ways to keep going .... mommy helps ..but i dont depend on her...i borrow when i cant help it..and always with the stipulation that i will be paying her back....so i guess it just all comes down to saying that i know what the limit is ...

my brother is the real reason for this particular post though..and i just want to strangle him...ok my older brother who has a freaking girlfriend and she has three kids...he claims the kids you know..they are in a relationship and the kids just are a part of the deal...my brother has been bailed out of issues more times than i can count...and he is currently in another one..and is using mommy pretty much to get what he wants..and mommy to her credit is trying to help..but she is going to get the short end of the stick if she gets them an apartment in her name...which she cant afford at all...but my brother is not doing what he needs to do inorder to plan for them being evicted..it is a situation that they have had hanging over them for the past month or so ?!  and still they dont have a plan...technically both him and his girlfriend can work..and they wont ...there are 3 children that need to be taken care of and they are all looking at being homeless..and that really bothers me... yes i have been homeless in the past few months and i am about to be homeless again..but i have a plan...i dont have children depending on me...i am working and if i wasnt working i was looking for a job...i wasnt sitting aroudn and waiting to be saved..i cant do that ... i have to depend on myself you know...for things like this anyway...and so he is doing his damnest to get mommy to once again bail him out..and mommy may complain and threaten and yell and scream..but in the end...she will bail him out..and he is not grateful..he is expecting it..and i know he knows as well as i do what mommy is currently up against money wise..and i know he knows she doesnt have it..and that she doesnt need to have an apartment in her name...not with the house almost being foreclosed on..come on...no i am not in a situation to help anyone right now..but i know that when i start getting paid that i will have to be expected to give mommy money until i can pay her back....but that is what i got into when i knew i would be asking her for money...and my brother is just refusing to see the bigger picture in all of this and  i really want to just hit him..the situation makes me really upset..he knows better...mommy has worked for everything she has...growing up all she did was work..but she still did all the parent stuff...and he knows this...but he is using her and that makes me mad ...

yeah we all may sit and talk about things in the past..but not in a hurtful way..some things are funny..and the unfunny things arent really brought up..but again we are all different and i guess we all remember things differently too... but mommy is mommy and you just dont advantage of her...

and i guess it just confuses me that this makes me so upset ..when most of the time i just want her to leave me alone and to stop treating me like im stupid...but then something like this goes on and its like ..no its not ok..and you need to not do this....i dont know...i talked to nia and mommy today for a long time about it all..and told her not to do the apartment for them...i told her not to let them move back home when she is possibly looking at having to move out herself...we have had that house for 23 years or so..and before that it was grannies house....so to be on the verge of losing the house is sad all by itsself but i can understand that the 3 boys will destroy the house..they did the last time they stayed there..not to be bad but because they are children and they touch stuff and move stuffa nd want to play..and mommys house isnt really a playing house anymore... no my brother needs to grow up and figure out what he is doing...because this is just not ok...

needing to write

its only 10 am and i feel as if i have been awake all day already..im wired and i do know why..but well..not smart ideas are at the head of my mind lately...i know what im doing is not smart at all ... but oh well...this particular med keeps me awake and so im feeling wired and amped and tired all at the same time...plus it kills my appetite ... win win situation really since i need to stay awake..i wont have the meds for forever anyway...prolly only like 3 weeks or so...but oh well...  yeah like im currently planning to like go wash and clean my car...i never want to clean my car lol..im prolly drugged...i would fail a random drug test. hah...its prolly not that funny .. but oh well ..

ok focus...im super focused and not focused..and thinking about a million things..

i want to write but i cant figure out what it is that i want to write about ...

its a new week and im alive..pissed off about yesterday but ill manage....today is a new day right ?!  those kids dont know i can hold a grudge like a champ..ha..but whatever..the little shits will learn that im not clueless..but i can be a fun time killer ... its great fun actually. 

so i prolly need to pack my stuff up ..or start or something ...since ill most likely be in a hotel by the end of the week...i keep forgetting that today is monday...that i really only have a few days...that my life will once again be packed up into boxes and stored awaay...ive failed ...im trying to focus on that i will have a bed again ...that i will be able to stop sleeping on the floor..

my stomach is hurting ..and i cant think right now...

so much on my mind...

i want to write but i dont have the time....heard my alarm today..so im up...need to go and shower and all of that..maybe that will wake me up completely...but yeah...let me go...ill write later on

trying to be realistic ...

i really am trying to be realistic right now..because if im honest..i know that my staying at a hotel will probably last about a month...i really dont want it to be longer than that..i know that in order to save and not be completely broke all month..i need to be able to work and save and live...its been two months without an income and im tired of having to depend on others to just make it through the week...right now i cant do anything..right now i dont even know how i will get money for gas to go to work next week...i really dont...im ssupposed to get paid on friday and well i work on friday and will be moving on friday it looks like and it just makes me a little bit ..ok a lot concerned and afraid ... i think about the whole situation and i just want to cry... how have i ended up here again??? how am i still not stable and dont have a home ??? yes i am feeling like a failure..and just want to sit and cry but i cant...i cant because everyone else is looking at me like i know what im doing ...and i cant cry or say im scared...im not able to...and then i have tramaine coming with me..and i almost feel like i need to watch over her..no she isnt a child..but she is younger than me..and its like ok ..i just feel the need to make sure she is safe and ok..i dont know...i just keep trying to protect everyone else..and so im not able to break down...im just not..and so i have to deal and manage somehow..and it just makes me tired and i go back to hiding how upset i am..i have to be strong ..i cant show weakness...i just cant ...

i am feeling really anxious right now...my thoughts are going to fast and i have been thinking and worrying and freaking out and stressed and scared and all of it within the past like 10 mins...im trying to make the right choice ..and still manage and im not sure what the right choice is..and i know that i am thinking and freaking out just because it is a new idea and im scared and i dont really care to much about being in the hotel ..but right now ..i dont have the choice...if i want to leave here and i dont and im freaking myself out..and the more i try not to think about it the more i am so worried and scared....

ugh i cant thinkk. i cant . i feel like im going crazy. my head has been off today...but i dont know how to say how it has been off ...i dont know

i really want to just sleep...im not sleeping so great at night ...i really want to sleep

well..made it through the day...

i made it through my first day...and well im going back tomorrow.. haha... but im not sure what i think about today...i mean it wasnt super stressful..just a lot of getting information and getting to know the group i was with..and being reminded that i suck at remembering names..essh...and i know it is going to take time and things to get used to them...but just not knowing all the rules and guidelines makes me feel really not confident...and i dont like that...and again i know with time it will get a bit better.but right now it is a little bit nerve wrecking...because there are so many kids and they break all the rules and so its like having to find the line between real breaking the rule and what is normal behavior for them..and im using 'normal' very very lightly here...but anyhoo...


its so interesting to once again see how the kids divide themselves up though..and how they are all dating the boys..major ridiculousness ... but trying not to say to much about it...but just another day of working with teenagers .... and its really funny to see just how stupid they think i am with being new and stuff...really funny...but i have done this before...i may not be saying much..but im not stupid either...and so yes..my group today was a bunch of manipulating little minions..but i can see it..and it is really funny how many of them are like .. i feel aggressive and homicidal and what not...you can tell they have been in therapy and in residential for a  good while...

i had the correct clothes at least...although i felt really uncomfortable because mommy bought them and so they actually fit..and i prefer my clothes slightly big...and so having them actually fit annoys me...but until i can buy something else im stuck with them..better yet ..im gonna have to figure out a way to do a load of laundry..since i only have the one outfit..and im trying my hardest to keep them clean and neat...but after friday..ill need to wash them..ok well after sunday..

my leg was really bothering me today...itching and hurting and right now its just throbbing a lot and hurting...my entire leg hurts...and it could be because ive just been up and moving all day...but also i think wearing jeans against the burns are just aggravating them even more...and there is nothing i can do about that right now...so ill have to deal ... but am just hurting a lot tonight..physically ..

gotta slow down...

once again im having to remind myself that things right now cant be done...like if im stressing myself out about a place to live knowing i dont have the money right now to do anything..isnt going to help me in the long run...so after freaking out..im trying to get myself to slow down and to think...thats one of my current problems ... im not thinking things through...i can barely keep my head on one topic...ugh...so i need to slow myself down..which means for now i need to focus on going to work..getting to work...gas and food money..and taking care of the cats...that is my focus...next week when i have money..i will be able to go look for a place to live...ive been emailing around and what not and i realize that my mistake is depending or trying to depend on other people to help me with getting the money..and unfortunately that is not going to work..its to stressful and i dont like being in debt to anyone else right now...mommy is enough...i have stopped myself numerous times from asking nia to let me borrow money...she knows my situation..but she has noa and a family and all of that to support...right now im just hoping i can make it to next week...i will be getting a little bit of money tomorrow..and that will be used for gas money and cat food....the being hungry...well im juts gonna have to get used to that...until things are better...that is just how it has to be for now...i can eat at work..so that will have to do..im trying not to drive much so that i will be able to keep gas in my car for as long as i can....im trying my hardest to manage on nothing right now..without asking for help..because no one can help me...so that leaves me depending on me..and doing what i can...so no im not complaining...just stating the obvious i guess...


ive been thinking off and on about what mommy said to me the other day...and i was upset and angry and depressed about it...and slowly i have been able to come up with a different plan i guess..one that works for me....no i am not going to miss noa's birthday party...no i am not going to miss out on my cruise..and no i am not going to be stuck in richmond doing nothing at all just because mommy is so sure that i will be giving her all of my money i guess..i dont know..but im not going to do what she wants...im not going to go into some hole all alone and die just because she tells me too...that isnt going to work...i dont do a lot of stuff you know..i dont really take initiative with trips and what not very often..and so for her to come along and try to take away my small moments of happiness is just not ok..its not ok at all...yes i am technically back to working..and so yes i will be getting paid again..and yyes there are bills i need to catch up on..yes i need to take care of the cats..and live..and move.and work..but i am not putting my life on hold...not anymore...its not fair for her to ask/tell me what she did...but she did tell me..and i worried about it..and thought about it..and talked to sarah about it...and it wasnt until i was looking up information today on the lion king..that i realized that just because i want to do things and go places ..that doesnt make me a bad person...yes i can work on saving and paying her back and everything else i have to deal with ..because that is just the way life goes...she will not keep control of me....its not going to work...so yeah ive been doing a crap load of thinking today..about everything going on....

ive been thinking about my current behaviors and i realize they are not ok...well i admit they are not ok....it needs to stop..and it will...how i dont know yet...but it will have to stop..i wont be any good to anyone if i am actively hurting myself..and yesterday when i was talking to sarah i realized that no i dont want noa to model after me in the behavior section...i will do anything in my power to protect her and keep her safe..and if i cant even be safe with myself..what does that say to her?? for me..im not able to hide all of my scars...and no the scars wont fade away..and so at some point noa will ask..she will want to know...im sure at some point juts like curvon and his sister did..noa will want to know what happened...and i wont lie to her..but i want to be able to tell her that i am better...that i am okay.  i want to be able to let her know that i can understand and love her and will be there for her..that im not going to disappear or die or anything like that...right now things suck..and if i have to tape that damn list of coping skills on the freakin wall ..then i will..i will not keep hurting myself..and yes it is so much easier to say it than to do it..but no..i will get better...i dont want the shame and guilt to stick around and smother me...if it means the meds fine..if it means going back to therapy..then fine...i know i need to WANT to stay alive for myself..but until i believe that then i will use everything i can to fill in that empty space with wanting to be alive for others..noa and sarah and yvonne and curvon...my life is not empty..not the way i tend to get myself to believe it is... i do have friends and people who care about me... i need to work on getting myself together..and getting stable..and being able to live however in the world i want to live... pretty much..its time for me to own up to my adult self...to be an adult...to live in the present and not the past or get so caught up with the future... little steps ...one thing at a time..one day at a time...crap 30 mins at a time if that is what it is going to take..for me to get my act together...because yes the cruise is still on for september..and i need to of course remember that i need to go ahead and work on getting the rest of the money in for that throughout june so that it doesnt get overwhelming...but just talking about the cruise means bathing suits...something that i have only recently started to get accustomed to..and i am still so very ashamed to wear a bathing suit knowing that i am covered in scars...but i dont want to miss out... i dont want to hide and not have fun...i love being in the pool..and while i may never be ok wearing my bathing suit without a shirt over it..i will wear my bathing suit...the scars arent going anywhere...so that means dealing with the fact they are there...and if i am ashamed then i am just setting up for other people to be ashamed for me..be ashamed of me...and its not about them and its really not about shame either...its a behavior..its not something that makes me good or bad...it is a behavior...and that means i can learn to manage without it... but again..that means a whole heck of a lot of effort on my part...

tomorrow is my 'first' official day of work...im nervous about it..very nervous...and since i will have to be up at like 5am ! i know i need to go to bed early tonight...and i know i need to figure out something to eat in the morning...but no ..i cant stress out about it...i wont stress out about it...

but im feeling really tired right now...maybe that nap i have been putting off all day can happen now?!

trying to think

i have three things coming up that i need to plan for.... both money wise and time wise..and what not...well one i have to just plan sorta...and the other two are more involved planning wise...and im trying not to freak out about it all ..

i didnt sleep very well last night...my neck  hurts..and im tired..and im just complaining .. and i shouldnt ...  not going to my appointment today..ill reschedule it....i dont feel good right now...

never mind..i dont feel like writing anymore..

im not complaining

my thinking really is going back and forth a lot right now..and once again it is another night of sitting up half the night awake because i cant sleep...how did i go from being able to sleep at just about any time..to not being able to sleep at all...if i take the trazadone yes ill go to sleep..but i dont like that i just 'go' to sleep...one minute im awake and the next im dead to the world...i would kill for a darn clonazapan ... i just would like the tension is my back to ease up just a little bit...the ability to relax is becoming a foreign topic... because im just stupid i am helping my old coworker with her notes for a little bit of money...i cant afford to say no...and i truly hate that im even in a position that i have to say yes...because i really hate having to write notes..but anyway...told her i would help her..so i will..and that will be gas money for the week at least..if nothing else...maybe cat food or something...i have to figure out what i need and what i can put off...its so embarrasing that i really have to figure out whether or not i can afford stupid girl stuff because my body has lost its damn mind and im pretty positive ill bleed to death any day now.. but im sick of looking for places to live..im tired of worrying myself to death about how to pay back mommy...now i dont know exactly what to do about noas birthday party trip...because it is really important to me that i go...and sarah too...but then there is the issue of meds, and moving, and bills, and my car having issues ...and all of it just makes me want to scream...im seeing the little wormies on taji again and i just want to scream in frustration..so that is a trip to the vet...which needs to happen...and they need a check up anyway..and everything is running together..and im losing it..literally feels like im losing it..today i ended up at sarahs and i was fine for the most part..able to sorta get outside of my own worries for a little while..but at the same time ..its like im laying there just thinking and going back and forth and planning and not planning and it was as if i could literrally feel my control slipping away from me..it had become a tangible thing..i could feel it..and i could feel it getting farther away from me..and the farther it got..the more my thinking became irrational and mixed up...and even though i felt incredibly stupid..i told sarah that i could feel it slipping away...it makes me feel crazy...and ive been thinking all day about the bhb appointment tomorrow..and ive told myself im going and not going a million times..and still i cant decide...part of me wants to go..a big part of me wants to avoid it...im not ready to talk just yet ... and i think i should prolly call courtney first anyway..since she can actually help me..although i prolly dont want her help either right now..and im not making very much sense..i dont think im making sense right now..im just writing and im tired and cant sleep and i want to do a million things but im tired..and again..cant sleep and i only want to sleep...im never up this late...but this is like the third day in a row im up after midnight..doing absolitely nothing ..i cant spell when im sleepy...i keep forgetting what it is that i was going to write about.. oh the burning...yeah it needs to stop..i need to stop..and right now it feels like i cant ..like i have no choice..and for a little while earlier today i felt awful..so very awful about what ive been doing...what ive done...and im ashamed of myself...very ashamed..that i am back to this point..where burning is ok..its better than cutting..its easier..and so on ...i think about it and want it and dont want it all at the same time...today i cried i was so overwhelmed and upset..but i didnt burn myself...is that even a good thing?? i know i have to go day by day right now..but no one has the time to deal with me falling apart multiple times a day....im aggravating my leg majorly..and i feel even more stupid by the fact that i burned my leg..and i forgot that im wearing a dress this weekendd...and they wont be able to be covered up....stupid me...somehow i completely forgot.and it wasnt until i was ccoming home tonight that i even realized it...two more weeks..and maybe it will ease up...maybe longer because getting back on them will be hell .. damnit
sleep may be a good idea .... cramps will be the death of me

you know whats not fair ?

the fact that i got a call today from an old coworker asking for help with her notes because she is three weeks behind...when i was three weeks behind i was fired... i dont understand.

im trying to decide if i will keep my appointment tomorrow...to see the bh lady...i dont think i will..i would prefer to just hide and sleep and pretend  that i dont exist..that nothing exists..that life is over and done with...i have to get myself together between now and wed...and it will most likely be wed morning when im heading in to work that i will be getting myself today...because right now i just dont know what it will take..and i dont want to think about what it will take...because of how i am thinking...my decisions right now are probably not the best thing to be trusting..i dont know..right now i just have a miserable headache and im trying to think of things to do to distract myself..because if i stop and think then things juts go downhill much faster...because i was in the kitchen thinking about ice..because im in my room thinking about breaking apart a shaver thing..because im already trying to figure out what i can wear to hide whatever it is that i plan to do that i just dont know about yet...my head has skipped ahead so far that im thinking way off into the future about things that i want to happen now...i do want to give up...and i am having to really stop myself from trying to puush everyone away from me... i really do have to talk myself out of what i want to say..and more so stop myself from posting anything that will show honestly how i am feeling...sitting on that edge again..between safe and unsafe..and the edge is getting smaller and smaller and there really isnt much of a safe side left...but there is plenty of space in the unsafe side...i dont want to have to talk about how im feeling or anything related to how im feeling or whats going on or anything of the sort..i dont have anything to say..and im feeling to tired to convincingly lie about it...i dont want to end up being forced back into therapy..or forced to see courtney or anything else..if i dont show up then i dont have to talk and can just stay in bed and pretend the world is no longer a place that i am involved in..i no longer have anything at all to say and i have no interest in trying to figure out what i have to say..

back to laying down..im tired of writing and thinking

so so stupid

i really am very stupid ....

all this time i was holding on to the fact that i would be getting a check...a small one but a check....after waiting and being given the run around for almost three weeks..and not being able to get up with the office person...i finally get her today..only to find out that i am not actually getting a check..that it was just a stub for the last check that i got last month.... i just want to cry right now..i am crying ..because i really truly have to be the stupidest person alive to really think that it would work out after all this time...stupid me for forgetting and being so hopeful for absolutely nothing ..i think it will be safer to just sleep today...i cant do anything productive and since my thinking has hit an all time low..sleep may be the best option is guess...because desperation leads to very not so good things...not that i really care right this minute...

i know whats wrong...

since im having a small moment of clarity..im going to try to write this before i manage to lose my mind again...

this past week has been very triggering..just the information..the restraints..the role playing scenarios...the talking and more talking about cutting and trauma and how it effects kids and adults..how it can so easily be triggered...etc...just being so tired and not able to think things through as much...my thinking has gone back to being incredibly impulsive..which is how i managed to burn myself repeatedly the other day and not really care to much about it...im actually sadder that it didnt scar...and because it didint my thinking about doing it has just been nonstop...one method doesnt give me the relief i am looking for and so i have to do something else..something that will give me what i want..and i know what i want to do..it really just is a matter of when i do it..but anyway...whats wrong...

in the past week...yes i have had a lot of information thrown at me and a lot of thinking and remembering ...and the part of all of it that i wasnt acknowledging was just how jealous i was about the fact that yes these kids are in treatment..but these kids are being cared for. supported. lsitened too...they are safe...and even though it is a treatment place...at teh end of the day its not about the behaviors..the fighting.the aggression..its that these are kids that are in a place where their behaviors are just screaming that something else is going on...there is something they need help with...they are visibly, either verbal or nonverbally saying that something is wrong...and then there are people...a lot of people..who respond ..who help..who listen..who help get the kid to calm down...and as much as i may not want to admit it..i am so so jealous.. because i didnt get that...because i did so well at hiding and lying and all of it..that i grew up and had to stay where i was..and there was no escape or help or anything..and i dealt with it..by myself..because there was no one else there..because there was no one to ask for help..there was no one for me to go to for help..and so i grew up in some ways..but not others..and now im still having to pay for my past...i know i shouldnt complain...but its just not fair .. i had to stay...and now im all screwed up in so many ways..and have to work so hard to deal with life and the world and live when i really dont feel as if i fit in anywhere at all...

during the training..the lady who did most of it was a very hands on person...and so on the first day filling out the medical forms..i was honest...even though i didnt want to be and put down what im being treated for..medical and mental..i wasnt fired on the spot..so i guess thats something..but throughout the week..more so on the last couple days...because of it being more hands on or whatever..she would come over and just randomly touch my shoulder or back..given each time it was for a reason...but in my mind it was comforting..because i was feeling some sort of not ok or slightly out of it..and she would most likely be explaining something i didnt want to hear anyway..but yeah..it was comforting.. touching my back is completely different than touching me anywhere else...it doesnt get a fearful response..vs touching my arm or face or chest or whereever...at the time of course i dont think i was able to identify it as comforting...but yesterday when i was able to let sarah know that i liked when she touched/rubbed my back...it was comforting...and safe..given when im with her im not afraid ..but i guess with having so much trouble


one phone call fro mommy and my whole day is going downhill...i was very nicely told that i need to work on paying mommy back ..and not think about going to noa's birthday in july ..because i have to pay mommy back..and of course i need to eat more vegetables and less meat and what not....what not  to do ... etc ... i just am going to lay down ...

getting triggered

its been a while since ive managed to trigger myself on purpose.... because of the reaction..because of the need to feel something ..anything...because i want to stay out of my head for a little bit. because i dont know..it works ... when did giving myself burns become so ok again...i remind myself that i dont have razors and so not cutting is ok..but burning really isnt better ..i know this..why do i keep forgetting this ? nothing else matters...the stress of everything is just i dont know..i have a headache..it is very systemmatic..getting triggered on purpose...i know what will do it..and its either books or movies that will do it..and today i guess my choice is movies...youtube is great for having cliips of the most triggering parts of movies...and then i just make it better and watch them over and over and over...

bad mood...not feeling good.just go away

im trying to keep to myself right now..im in a horribly bad mood and im just trying to deal with it and not act on anything im thinking ... im not feeling good at all today..and i dont know why...im frustrated that i am literally bleeding all over the place and im afraid to sit on any freaking thing ..and im tired and have a headache and im hungry and dont want to deal with being around anyone and i managed to sleep all morning ... and now im up again and just feeling crummy...i want to do something but i cant..crap right now i just want something to eat that is not a sandwich ... thats all i eat lately...thats kind of all i have money for when i have money...and tomorrow will most likely be a small trip to the store for more sandwich stuff...i hope..things just suck right now....id rather go to work because then i can at least get a meal ...how sad is that...i can tell that im just going to complain..so im going to stop writing .  maybe ill juts go bang my head on the wall or something...again just feeling like a total useless loser ...

sigh

half an hour to gather the motivation to brush my teeth...i think that is a bit excessive..but whatever...

im not very ok today

i had weird dreams...i thought i was watching a movie...but waking up i think i realized that it wasnt a movie...sorta of had a fairy tale theme...one princess type person which was me i guess...gigantic house...snow...flying or something or else like it...being locked up and having to find a way out...that sort of dream i guess ...it was stuck on repeat...i kept going through it ....same thing..maybe little timy changes each time..maybe i was better at escaping...im not really sure....

i think i woke up on the wrong side of the bed today...im hurting both physcally and mentally and i just want to hide...i dont want to deal today..i dont want to be around anyone at all..i dont feel very good and i just want to sleep...the urges to go and burn myself area really strong..i dont want to talk or be near anyone at all..the need to protect myself is strong...but i will fail at that today..because i have to be touched and held and restrained ..and just thinking about it almost makes me cry ...i dont want to do it..and it makes me feel like a child throwing a tantrum...i really dont have a choice..i have to do it...i have to do something to get myself together and i dont know what it is ... i cant think it through this morning...maybe i should just come back home today..im really on edge..and i want and dont want comfort all at the same time...given i cant get it...my goal today is to just get through the training without crying i guess...i think i should make my lunch today...my head is mush and my thinking is going so very slow right now...i better get up though...i dont think im feeling to on top of things today...

just tired

tonight i am tired...my brain hurts..my body hurts...for a couple reasons..and im slightly dreading the restraint training tomorrow...handle with care..but yes..either way it will involve restraints...and that just makes my head hurt...today was cpr and first aid..and in my illogical mind..we got to the part on first aid..and which part did i perk up on ???  burns...if i cursed now would be the oppurtune moment for it ..because as i sat there thinking about burning and how it can be done quite easily...and how that would be better than cutting...i went through the entire thought process..i had the entire plan worked out...and it took less than 30 mins to get it planned out...i thought of how and where and why and with what...very quickly..no i havent done it...but the thoughts are there... i had actually completely forgotten about burning ... i had..its been so long..but looking at the material today on how to treat burns and i was right back to where i was almost 8 years ago..willingly giving myself 2nd and 3rd degree burns for the hell of it.because it hurt..because it wasnt cutting ... because burns are easier to hide..and dont require the same amount of attention....because i cant seem to control myself and let the thoughts go..

again things are just overwhelming and disappointing... was denied the apartment ... and i want to scream in frustration...because its getting to where i will be out of time and need to move like now..and its like...sorry...no place to go...and im worrying that i will end up going to an area where i dont want to be..or have to look outside of richmond ... and im just running out of time and no real idea of where else to look..its tiring ..and stressful...and disheartening ...

talked to mommy a few times today and my brother is making some really bad choices right now..and now i cant really manage money all that great...but i dont have 3 children..and i want to just shake the two of them and make them get a clue about what they are doing ...sigh...but again they are both adults ..and they are responsible for those boys ... and even though i hate it completely..im not in a situation at all to help them..right now i cant even help myself ..

and so i guess im just feeling frustrated...and worn out..and trying to figure out how im going to make it ... i really am....i havent been feeling to good today though....not much fun ...

another day of to much thinking

today was the 3rd day of training and i completely over slept this morning....like woke up at 8 and was supposed to be at work at 8:30..and had a 30min drive in front of me....ugh..so this morning didnt get off to a great start..i hate being late and feeling rushed...i really do...and so i just felt kind of behind for most of the morning.... the training was on sexually acting out youth...not to be confused with adult sexual offenders...because in virginia children can not be classed as sexual offenders at all...at 18 that rule changes...but until 18 these kids are not called sexual offenders even though they may have victims and what not...so i did learn that this morning...but it was the details that got me..half of the time i couldnt even read the darn power point...my eyes kept going all fuzzy...and its like geez its been a while since i have had to actively not be able to deal with something and go out of my way to just not take in the information...because it was bringing up to much of my own stuff..and it was all getting mixed up in my head...and so yes i was dazed out for most of the morning...barely spoke at all during this training ... after lunch was a little bit easier ..but the morning training effectively had me thinking all over the place....got out a little bit early today though..and was able to come home without getting stuck in traffic...

mommy found out about her account and well yes i got the lecture i was expecting..but she did wire me some gas money...and i was able to get a few things from the store...but the whole situation makes me feel like such a loser .... like once again i cant manage anything at all and that i am just struggle to make it through each day..and all i can think about is how to survive another day..and to figure out where ill be going or how im gonna get money for gas or food and when ill be getting paid again and what not...now as the month is passing the half way mark im worrying about where im going to live..what is going to happen next month...so on and so forth... as much as i try i cant escape the anixety and depressing thoughts...im tired of going to training and having to listen to stories about the kids and what behaviors they are showing ...i dont want to hear about the kids who are cutting, or the trauma...after 3 days of it..im just to triggered on a personal level to be any good to anyone else ...im to tired in the evenings to do anything but just lay down and try to calm down...

i guess im managing on without the meds...i can tell the difference though...and of course im now thinking of if i even want to start them again...because im managing ... right ... no i dont want them..i cant afford them...lucky me cas everything is just sucking right now..maybe i should give courtney a call and see if she can help...i know kind of not to completely trust my thinking right now...but my ideas that i come up with are completely doable in my head..im fine and dont need anything at all...i can ignore that i dont have money for anything..and that i literally an using change to just get a drink during the day because that is all i have..but whatever...it could be worse...i try not to focus on just how much worse it good be..i dont want to give the universe any ideas for throwing something else at me to deal with right now...i got a small thing of cat food today too...i cant let them starve...but as time goes on...the more its like ok..i cant come first right now..i dont need anything....the cats need things more because i have to take care of them...that makes sense doesnt it? i am thinking clearly arent i? yeah either way i look at it though i am still a loser .. and im just trying not to let anyone know that...well not let anyone know that i am thinking that..because it will get me no where...with anything..so ill keep my thoughts to myself ... i have to keep everything to my self so that no one will  figure out that im cracking apart...that as each day passes i just become a little bit quieter...a little bit more withdrawn...i force myself to get up..and just pretend im ok during the day and then hide all night ... i can tell how tense i have gotten in the past couple days...my back hurts..my neck hurts...i cant relax pretty much..i feel more aware of anyone being in my space...and a lot of things are juts getting to me...i dont know why..i just feel bad and its affecting everything again...im tired..and i dont really think im suicidal ... but i guess im closer than i have been...or maybe im just back to where i was..i really dont know...the thoughts are coming a bit ..but havent reached the overwhelming point yet...how sad is it that i just get so upset that i cant even afford to go and get razors...yeah i can use other stuff if i had to...and it really isnt that hard to break open a shaver and take out the blades...but that is an act of desperation..and i am not there yet...im afraid i will begin to seriously relapse and it will just be bad...very very bad....

i dont know what i need right now...maybe ill go ahead and take the dang trazadone and go to sleep...at least then im not actively thinking about anything...

just triggered and floaty

i dont really think that my head is working correctly right now....i dont know...the training material today was hard for me to deal with...just because it was about trauma, how kids deal..how it affects them..how it affects other people...how the past and all of that can cause all sorts of issues if not handled currently from a staff standpoint.... i am the staff...i am supposed to have these kids best interest at heart..and that is not the part that worries me...what worries me is being able to deal with there stuff and my stuff..because i know i will be asked about the scars on my arms..i know i will be questioned to death by the kids..and it is just plain and simply put that my issues mirror some of their issues so closely that i am afraid i will lose focus and do something stupid..and i dont know how to explain my concerns to anyone at work because im afraid that i will lose my job...because i cant deal...and i dont want that.. i understand completely what my issues are for the most part ...and that is the problem..i sat there today..and just couldnt stay focused on what she was talking about..or retain any of the information...i kept getting weird ringing in my ears...i was probably dissociating really badly and of course that was a topic too...-sigh-  i dont know what to do...i know i can do the job..ive done it in the past..and each time i am a little bit more stable with it...but this is diffferent...this feels like it is my last chance to prove that i can do my job...that im worth something...but again ..i really dont know..because i know i will shut down...that i cant take all of my concerns to work with me because i am supposed to be the professional..the one who can deal..the one who can relate and still stay separate from it....but again it is the past that haunts me...and listening to it..listening to the effects, to mirroring..the issues that come along with children who have been traumatzed and abused and it makes me so very sad...because i wasnt able to get help as a kid and i grew up and still dont understand the way the world works..my past still affects me on a daily basis...ive done thearpy..i understand the congnitive distortions, i know i have boundary issues, and trouble with the whole black and white thinking....all things i know about my self...all things these kids are dealing with...and it just makes me afraid that i will fail...which is learned helplessness in all its fine glory...another topic that we spent quite a bit of time on today...and all the information is stuck in my head with no where to go...im trying to contain my thinking and how im feeling and im not so sure that i am doing a very good job with it...

and i figured out today that i am trying to attach myself ...to the lady doing most of the training...what fun ..not only am i completely crazy..im already trying my hardest to find ways around boundaries already...to have my own needs met...and not getting them met juts leads to other behaviors that i really dont want to focus on right now....because none of them are healthy in any way at all..and none of them are beneficial in any way...and it is my need is all of its mixedupness..and continue to try and get and cant have and so it just messes with my head and keeps messing with my head...

i think ill go and lay down for a bit...

need to write...

my anxiety is all the way up right now..like im feeling completely jittery and nervous right now..im laying down but it still feels as if my body is moving..like im not still at all..and my thoughts are going back and forth..and i think it scares me a little bit..to feel so unsteady i guess...but im trying to deal with that..and trying hard not to go ahead and knock myself out sleepwise for the night...i want to just sleep so bad right now because i am thinking so much and feeling so nervous...i have all of one of the klonpin left..and i want to scream and cry about that by itsself...i already felt that my attention in the training today was awful..i kept looking out the window, i kept fidgeting, i couldnt sit still..i wanted to turn around in my chair and i couldnt get comfortable..and i felt like i was a mess..but at the same time i was asking and answering questions...at times...but i wanted to be there..its been a while since i have actually wanted to be at work...or even out of bed for that matter...but i wanted to be there..i had truly forgotten just how much i like the residental setting ... i like the stability of the instability ...

im sleepy...ill finish tomorrow

feeling miserable

i keep telling myself to get off of fb for today..that all the posts about good mothers and loving mothers and all of that is doing nothing but making me feel more upset and miserable..and ive spent most of the morning i guess just trying not to cry...i called mommy this morning and did what i was supposed to do ..but i cant escape the numerous posts popping up all over facebook..and i hate it..and i wish i had a mother that did love me or want me..and didnt just beat the hell out of me and then swear that she doesnt remember anything..oh well for me...jealously, anger, all of it...is in my head today..and im just feeling tired and cant seem to get to sleep

sigh

i think i need to stay off of facebook for today...it is more upsetting than anything else...

calmness

so i want to write but i truly cant figure out what it is that i want to write about...i had a long conversation with sarah tonight..and it was good to just lay down and talk...we talked about lots of different things..and i think it was the closeness that meant super alot...but i am calm and back at home and just tired ... a bit thoughtful but mostly tired...i think ill save everything else for tomorrow...for tonight..ill take the calmness..

a father figure or lack there of..

I think I have lived my life with really making a big deal out of not having a father that I know or grew up around ...I have uncle's who I see every so often..but really growing up all I remember is mommy..there was no one else..but I guess at some points there were other men in the house..friends of hers..again nothing that should have am affect on me..but tonight the thoughts are making me sad..the lack of a father figure..a safe person..I have so many mom issues that I don't think there is time for any daddy issues.. so I really don't know why it's bothering me so much tonight...I really don't

inconsiderate assholes

bounce is hiding and taji is just missing  

the dog is downstairs now and i just want to yell at him to shut up

im really angry  and i think i nee dto calm down but i cant

just thinking....

i havent been doing to much today...have a scheduled walk for this evening after im done with training though....my head hurts a lot right this minute and im not even sure why...i took a nap earlier i think..and then i was woken up by alan building something across the hall or whatever...and then i got a call about the residental job..and of course that training starts next week..and is a full week long training...and i find out today what clients im starting with..and suddenly im like ..omg plz only give me one client or so  until i get through next week....because now i am watching as my free time slips away from me ...and im figuring that the building of things for the room across the hall is for the new couple moving in...with a dog...goodness...my head is turning into scrambled mush...maybe ill be more clear headed later on

whirlwind

so much is on my mind right now...im worried and nervous and overwhelmed..and there are so many different things going on that i dont even know where to begin...

im worried about myself, and being safe...im worried about sarah and her being safe too..im worried about taji and bounce, im worried about working and money and my current living situation..and it feels like all i do lately is worry...and earlier today i was thinking that the depression is winning..that i juts am feeling so hopeless and so concerned that i dont know what to do with myself..and i would have continued to feel sorry for myself had tramaine not come and made me get up and go walking with her...i had to explain to her tonight what depression was..not for my benefit but for hers so that she would be better able to support her boyfriend...i wanted to open up more...i wanted to truly explain why it is that asking mommy for money is such a big deal..or why it is that i get so upset with her..or not being able to talk to her...i couldnt explain why and i ended up coming across sounding like a spoiled child..the fear of telling mommy that the bank acct is overdrawn is alive and well and i cant explain that to anyone...i dont want to see courtney because im afraid that she will tell me that she cant help me..i dont want to get dependent on the meds but i dont think they are helping...and in a week or so i will have to come off of them any way until i have the money to get them filled again..and that will be a lovely happy time, im sure...im dreading it..i know i will be sick and then suicidal and then do stupid things and well i guess life will go on...and i will once again juts be a failure...im trying so hard to be positive and i just dont feel it...i wake up in the morning and im almost sad that im still alive...there is no joy unless im with or talking to sarah...i can pretend enough with tramaine..and pretending with nia and mommy...but mommmy of course took the info i gave her and ran with her..and now im sorry i ever said anything to her about the living situation..because now she is pushing and being repetitive and demanding..and i am getting upset and more stressed out about it all...because she is really making me feel as if i dont care about taji and bounce at all...i would die if anything happened to my cats...i love them more than i love myself...crap right now i dont even like myself...ugh...

i saw the bh lady today and ended up talking a bit about my mommy issues...and that is a topic that if brought up..i have a very hard time letting go of..because with the conversation comes the thoughts and yearning and wants for a mother..to feel safe and cared for and loved...and the rejection that comes with that is very hard for me to deal with...i can i explain just how hard it is to be my age and still feel like such a child at times..needing so much guidance and attention and well yes my jealous spikes horribly in these situations..and i prefer to not think about it..because bringing it up makes me feel so very alone..so very lost...but it did come up..and on the heels of that i was informed that my labwork is continuing to be not good and my mood just fell and refused to be picked up today..like i said..i can fake it ..but i feel that i am lost in my thoughts..and there is no way out...im afraid to acknowledge just how much i need someone to talk too...but again the results of the last therapist have broken me to the point of where i am truly afraid ... that i cant be helped..that im just broken and useless and a waste of space..

and yes im in a very negative mood right now..im sad and struggling and i dont know where else i can go...because again i am noticing that when i get this overwhelmed..i want to sleep..i want to sleep to avoid...i want to sleep because my waking hours are plagued with thoughts of cutting or how to die or why i want to die..and how easy it would be...i would rather sleep and ignore the thoughts..i dont want them..because it is so easy to fall into their trap..and get sucked in and not be able to get myself back out...silence protects me from myself..but the more that piles up against me..the more i can juts feel myself crumbling under the pressure...and then i have to work hard to remember that noa and curvon need me alive...i cant let myself forget that...sarah, yvonne, and nia need me..taji and bounce need me...i cant die..no matter how i might try to convince myself otherwise....i cant...

maybe i do need to talk to courtney... -sigh-   im tired is hiding what im really feeling which is im suicidal ... crap

i am done with today...

i really am done with today....i am...enough has gone on today that i am juts not in the mood right now for anything else....

i am an adult..i dont need a damn consequence for something that i did not do...shit i wasnt even here on friday night..i got back yesterday late afternoon..and didnt even surface until the middle of today...i didnt mess with anything or take anything..but everyone is supposedly getting a consequence because money is missing....when my money was missing..nothing was done about it...i can understand being pissed off and upset and all of that..i can...but i have no need to be in their bedroom...i hide out in my room most of the time im here anyway....i just want to scream and hit something..i really do...

proud

today my younger sister graduated from college..with her undergrad in education :)   it took her a while but she finished..and i am proud of her for not giving up and sticking with it.

it took me a while to graduate too...that 4 year thing is seriously just a guideline..essh

and maybe i got ahead of myself ...-sigh-

today has been one of those days where things just keep messing up....i want to cry...but im too hot right this minute and my head hurts and im again trying not to panic...my tire was flat today...put air in it...my tire blew completely on the way to the store..thankfully i wasnt by myself and between me and my roommate we got it changed by ourselves..because even though i stopped in a parking lot of a shopping center..NO ONE offered any help at all...i was practically in front of a dang autoparts store for crying out loud...but whatever....my car jack thing ended up getting broken in the process though...i dont have money for gas right now..i really dont have the money to have my tire replaced...and then the air stopped working in my car..which is a major major issue for me because i dont do well when im getting to hot.i really dont...and missing my meds yesterday has me feeling like crap today..and there is ANOTHER couple moving into the house..taking the other basement room..and they have a dog! the main ppl in the hosue had already told me that they where planning on moving by the first of june...so why rent out the other basement room..that is being used for storage by everyone for a month?? i dont understand...i really really dont..that will bring the amount of ppl in the hosue to a grand total of 8...and that is to many for me...i already know that..and yes im looking for an apartment and all of that..but im still here for the month you know...im already feeling crowded and they havent even moved in yet..the last person who was in the other room stole $300 from me..but there was no evidence you know...i dont like this set up at all anymore..at least now with the other single girl we are looking for an apartment together..so that will help a lot financially....but just am feeling so overwhelmed right now..and the stuff i need to get done for the job will cost money too..and im juts frustrated i guess...sorry for complaining..

maybe...maybe things will be ok

its been a few days i think...since ive written and quite a few things have happened....i have accepted a job...doing the same thing but i think it will be for short term...and for short term i will manage...for kathy i will manage..i will not disappoint her or dissappoint sarah or nia you know...not again...kathy vouched for me with this particular job and i dont want her word to not be true...i want them to be proud of me...i want to be proud of me..i want someone to be proud of me..i want to just prove that i know what i am doing..that things are going to work out.. that i can do my job and do what is expected of me...i can and i will...because as much as it hurts to admit..yes i had a hand to play in losing my past jobs...whatever the reason..bad timing..personal issues..bad choices on my part...whatever it may have been..it was not that i was in no way involved...no  i am smart enough to realize this and acknowledge it...im not perfect..and i guess i need to start living with that knowledge..im not better any anyone else and would never think i was..but in the job world i can get easily distracted and downplay what it is that i do..and end up sabatoging myself and my job and then i end up being fired and getting stressed out and depressed and suicidal..and its a never ending circle..and i just need it to stop...i want stability so i need to make and keep things stable...in all parts of life...which brings me full circle and the issue of therapy comes back up again...i am willing to look for another therapist..im afraid and scared though..i dont want to be hurt again or told that i cant be helped..i dont want to feel so helpless and lost and just not worthy of being helped...so...again it is about me...how i am seeing the world..how i am viewing myself in the world...what i feel i deserve or dont deserve..and it is so very hard to break the cycle of thoughts...as much as i can say its not going to happen ..that im going to be able to stay present and do what i need to do..im afraid that ill still get caught up in my head and there will once again be a repeat  of the past job...yes there are still things going on..there are a lot of things going on..alot to deal with and think about and just trying to maintain...and im scared that  i wont be able to manage..that it really will be a repeat..that i will once again fail and be just a nobody...a worthless nobody...

i guess it all comes down to figuring out what it is that i want..and what it is that i am willing to work for ...i want a job, i want a place to live, i want to be caught up on bills and not stressed about money...i want to be healthy and not think about dying, etc..and i want to be able to be with sarah...and it seems like it is a lot ..but so much of it is all just connected to each other...to do anything i need a job...with the job comes the money..but the other piece is therapy/meds..something...that is the piece that i am still so very unsure about ...i no longer hide the scars as much as i have done in the past..because the scars arent going anywhere..but i do want to be honest when i say i am not cutting..which means coming clean to courtney..and at least letting her know that things were getting kinda bad for a while there...

and right now...today..i am feeling more hopeful about things..im afraid yes, stressed to the max about money ..yep...used all the money i had for my car insurance..yep..but somehow it will work out ..it just has to...and so i will be careful...and if nothing else i will sell my other laptop if i can...because i have a feeling that this month is going to hurt majorly in the financial part of things...but i have a place to stay at least....and a bit of gas...and i guess sometimes i really just have to wonder at what more do i need..truly...

i know that there are a couple bills i majorly need to get paid off and out of the way...and work done on my car..but right now i have nothing to put towards anything and so i am stuck waiting...right now i have to get my priorities set..so that i have an idea of what i am working towards...of what i am working for...and right now there are 4 things....1. to find a place to live, 2. to have the money and stuff needed for both sarahs and noas birthdays in july, 3. to have everything paid off for the cruise by the due date and save money for getting to fla...4. getting my health in order...  that is what i am working for..that is what i want and that is going to take some planning and hard work and all of that...but i have to get my head in order...my head is my downfall..my thinking..my distorted thinking...all of it...it is my head and how i view things and how i view the world that gets my stuck...and i feel like i have to go back to the basics..silly things like making sure i get up and shower every day...make sure im taking my meds..that sort of thing...so simple it seems but it is so hard for me to do at times..and i hate that...i feel so gross...and i cant get out of my head long enough to even bother convincing myself to do something as simple as going and taking a shower...yeah at times i do feel incredibly pathetic...and so very unsure of myself...

but last night...even though i was up and down and fidgeting which may just have been partially because i was without my meds...but i spent the night with sarah...and well firstly i would just like to point out..that two people can infact sleep on a twin bed...the problem comes in when some people dont want to share lol...but anyway..no i just get antsy and feel trapped if i am unable to get enough space..and its like i fight myself to stay close to her and then fight myself to back away some...i guess im feeling a bit confused on things again..because my want to be with her all the time isnt possible right now of course..and i dont want to crowd her when i am with her..but then i lose control of my thinking so very easily around her..and i know im an adult..and that she is an adult ..but the fact that i cant seem to stay in control of myself scares me...because if i am not in control then who is? i try not to let my whiny 'i need 100% of your attention at all times' get out..but the thoughts are there..and i dont think that is fair..to be wanting all of her time and not wanting anyone else to have her time...which lets me know on one hand the attachment to her is only getting stronger....but on the other i am still fighting to not become lost in her...i guess its juts that me and attachments happen quickly sometimes and this time the attachment is completely different ..because sarah is not older than me..and she isnt someone that i am looking at as a mother figure...she is instead someone who i see as being equal to me...and i have to remind myself that there are still boundaries...i cant throw the pieces of myself at her and ask her to put me back together so that i dont have to hurt anymore...ask her to stay with me when im not feeling good or ssad i can do..being around her and not being afraid i can do...but again i think that it is just i dont know how to be in a relationship..and so im questioning myself and my wants to death..and being afraid of what i may or may not like or want or any of that...giving voice to desires is still something that terrifies me..like i can like something but i cant ask for something type thinking...which makes no sense because i do ask her for things but maybe im wrong and only think i ask for things and instead im juts thinking questions and not saying them outloud...and well there is still the small issue of juts forgetting everything at certain times..and then trying not to get lost in feelings that makes me never want to be away from her...those moments of empty headedness takes everything away for a while..which is prolly why i forever want to do things or think about doing things or just darn thinking in general that leads my head into a very dirty place...it is still a surprise at just how much of a dirty mind i have...and i could even go into a long explanation of why..and how it happened and why im so ashamed of it...and maybe i will one of these days ..because of course i have to analyze myself to death...but its like taking years of not being able to have something..or being forced to have something involuntarily and making it possible to ask for it...yeah..you may as well just ask me to go and become president or something..that might in fact be easier than facing the things i happen to think about pertaining to adult relationships...i may be naive but again my knowledge comes from books, movies, blah...and some of that stuff is just highly embarrassing all on its own!  so them my easily impressionable mind gets ahold of these things and its like...frick..frick..frick..double frick..kill me now type thinking/feeling...i really wonder how i come up with some of the things that i come up with...and i still cant explain how i manage to lose clothing so very easily around her...and i dont think i meant to ramble on so much about this...but i guess again..that at the bottom of it all is the fear that i will not be able to let go of the thought/want of being hurt and allowing things to happen with sarah to happen that dont cause that kind of pain..yeah warped thinking yet again...i cant escape it....

but my head is starting to hurt..i think i will lay down for a little while...

but we did watch nanny mcphee this morning..and that made me happy..and sleeping and being help maybe me happy too..getting up and getting dressed cas of darn aides coming did not make me happy...oh and i got to watch spongebob this morning too...

that little paragraph alone makes me really question if i will ever be ok and adult at the same time...-sigh-   yeah..going to lay down and give my head a break ... lack of meds does have me feeling a bit off right now...